Ben is the type of person that would take out his earing aids during an argument after his final point so to not hear anything else from you tbh.

He does it the most with Kenji probably.

Lol, no it's fine, I really did think it was my browser, bcos tbf, it usually is. XD Mentioned series were mainly for vibes. And those headcanons were wonderful and just what I needed to brighten the end of another long shift! Thank you so much! (Is Boba Uncle Fester? Is Lurch a cousin of Chewie's? How often do the kids prank Ben? Will prob be hearing "Why, Luke, that's Mando'a" in my head for the foreseeable. Also totally not thinking of "other" uses for an extra hand) I <3 all of this so much!

- I 100% see Boba in a Fester role at least insamuch as the way he plays with the kids. He survived the Sarlacc, he can survive whatever electrocution/guillotine/poison gas combo Rey's cooked up. He probably gives her tips on it. But he doesn't live with them, he's still off doing his own thing.

- Chewie, Han, and Leia are all the "normies" so I don't see them directly connected to this series of headcanons at all. If this were in a modern town instead of the canonverse Ben would go to school with Rey and Grogu and then they'd be forced to interact for sure. Then I'm torn on whether they'd bully him mercilessly or if they slowly corrupt him to be a little ooky spooky himself (much to his parents' chagrin).

- Maybe Lurch's role is filled by a huge-ass droid. Not Threepio, but instead a nearly personality-less one that Vader forced on them at some point. The Empire is around and Vader is a big creepy overprotective jerk so you know he wouldn't be willing to let his son go off without protection. The droid isn't actually needed for that, Luke and Din could handle any actual threat, so they mostly let it answer the door and menace solicitors. Otherwise it just looms around.

- R2 comes and goes. He craves adventure and is an active supporter of the Rebellion. Luke and Din aren't pro-Empire so much as they are pro-being-left-alone-with-their-wacky family so they don't stop him. He always comes back with fantastical stories the children love. No one outside the family can understand his particular dialect of Binary (he's Cousin Itt).

- The Armorer lives in the basement, where she has a forge-slash-altar set up. In this au she's also a Night Sister because we're going all in. Grogu is very interested in learning all about the strange potions and often sneaks them when she's not looking, to hilariously disastrous results (she's Grandmama).

There are so many side characters to Addams Family that you could really shoe-horn in anyone. I'm tempted to make Fennec Debbie except without her actually being an antagonist. Best buds in crime with Ba'vodu Boba still? Absolutely. Maybe still trying to murder him for money? Yes but in a funny way and he's into it. Not necessarily romantic, I like them as friends better.

Whatever shenanigans are going on, if Din and Luke aren't immediately involved they are in the background like:

And when Din comes back to himself like:

Here’s my sprites for my listener OCs for the freelancer(Ben), Angel(Angelo), babe(Lycus), and sweetheart(Saro)!

Considering these are all recycled OCs, so I’ll tell you things about the canon characters and what they were like before just because. mostly about their og stories because I think they’re cooler(the freedom their world has gives me a hell of a lot of room for variety I’m sorry )

Tbh this is me info dumping about the backgrounds of these characters which I’ll do whole posts about because of course I have to plague you all with my wonderful brain stuff/j

Ok here’s the stuff:

Ben-

-half Greek and half Swedish, wants to revolutionize different magic categories

- in his og story he was a scientist/researcher for also finding new forms of magic which he calls experimental magic, which let him find a safer way of fast teleportation rather than tearing holes in reality and haphazardly stapling them together

- also with this safe teleportation became proficient in needle magic, which basically makes summoning things and objects incredibly easy and only needing a core “needle” to close the holes

-back to canon redactedverse real quick, has actually dealt with magical people a lot more but was thinking it was bad vibes. Which tbf it was

Angelo-

-ok so the funny thing about their character was that they were a polar bear were from Canada, so making them have a were bf and them being not a bear is funny to me ig.

-In their og story they lost their leg from frostbite but I changed it to a car accident, also changing them from a warrior thing/mercenary to a history professor

-I kept the white hair from their og, and I’ve been thinking the black dye would look good as salt and pepper on a polar bear

Lycus-

-a botanist, i made them dress like it’s the 1800s because it would be cute to see a huge contrast between Asher who I always thought was crunchy

-canon they were a plant like fey, and a relative to Saro

-also, very much not nice in og as most of my fey aligned characters are! Actually made them a leading antagonist because of a whole other thing that I don’t have time to explain but it’s basically crazy juice making people go insane.

-back to canon, they are around 6’3. A lanky non-binary is a reoccurring theme for my redacted OCs..

Saro-

-the leading villain in my og story, full blown fey and in my realms of creation or whatever that usually means they are cruel and trick people into deals

-basically they worked as a waitress at this big shot party palace (idk a place where parties are regularly booked) and administered the crazy juice

- kinda like shades canonically, fed off the magic released at the uproar and works to cause more chaos. Also. Really creepy which they still act like in canon.

-canon-wise they’re from Germany and moved for work, specifically more closely to where a lot of magic activity was happening

and the rewatch continues

So rewatching most of season 5 and dipping into season 6, after coming from season 4, I found some things very interesting, things I actually had forgotten about and some that just hit differently now that the show has ended:

Season 4:

Brothers - different iterations: Had that finale happened after this season, it might have made better sense (though I STILL say the manner of Dean’s death is laughable)

Destiel & Cas: While Cas and Dean have some uncomfortable staring contests and there’s chemistry, I didn’t get the whole Destiel vibe (this is just my personal take), yes there’s a bond there, a growing partnership so to speak but I feel like Cas is not around enough for it to be in the forefront of the story or even to demand Dean’s attention in a way. Like Cas made his big entrance in 4x01 and we saw how things took off from there for the story and for this connection/bond between he and Dean but Dean is early season Dean and Cas is early season Cas. Though I found Cas’ interest in everything Dean Winchester to be intriguing (and he put Dean back together with his own hands, I just...this really does become the greatest love story ever told, I swear), I personally didn’t get the whole UST vibes that has been talked about. I actually found myself wanting to go deeper into Cas’ story (a la 6x20 style) aside from Dean’s and Sam’s. 

Anna: That whole night with Anna was purely that: a night. There wasn’t a whole lot of chemistry between Jensen and Julie and it’s very clear that this whole sex-on-last-night-on-earth thing is for comfort, for both characters. I kind of get why they switched up gears there for Dean’s angel role, even if they didn’t intend for Destiel to read as romantic at all initially. 4x09 & especially 4x10 were so obviously trying to ying and yang the brothers and the sides that had chosen them/complemented them: Anna | Ruby, Heaven | Hell -> eventually Michael | Lucifer. But back to Anna, while I enjoyed her character and would have loved to delve deeper with her, I am glad Cas was the one who got to stay. Anna and Dean had no chemistry, outside of a couple of glances before the big hookup/last night on Earth deal, there wasn’t really anything there. Tbf, they didn’t have a lot of private time before that, except maybe one convo. To me, in this scenario, Anna was a source of comfort (after she tells Dean he needs to forgive himself for what happened in Hell which I very much appreciated, someone had to tell him that) and attraction, letting her have her last night on Earth, a hookup, etc. But there was nothing deeper there. And for this bond with an angel to happen, there needed to be something deeper there. Perhaps had Anna been around longer and didn’t go the way she did in season 5, it might have but I honestly tend to doubt it. We all know Cas and Dean’s (Misha’s and Jensen’s) natural chemistry is off the charts. I’m not sure Anna (Julie) could have competed with that had both Cas and Anna stuck around together. I know I’m completely biased here, but I almost felt like Anna and Cas had more chemistry together, it might have been because they got more face time, I’m not sure. But I thoroughly enjoyed watching it all go down again.

Adam: Omg I forgot about how Adam wasn’t Adam when Dean and Sam first met him. That was heartbreaking on so many levels, but mostly for Adam and his mom dying the way they did and of course, for Dean and Sam. Namely Dean because he was the most affected by finding out about Adam’s existence. And I swear I fell in love with Dean more in that episode as a character because despite his pain, his anger, his hurt, he still tries to do the right thing by Adam, to honor his dad’s wishes. And John...that mf’er doesn’t deserve any of those boys as his sons. What an asshole through and through. 

Season 5:

Destiel & Cas: And now we see Cas becoming a bit more forefront and the vibe has changed...slightly. Now it’s a partnership turning into a friendship. Dean and Cas get a bit more face time and it shows. 5x03 was awesome and of course the wholly unnecessary line of “One, Bert and Ernie are gay” -- like where did that come from? I still loved it. It was tough to see Dean and Sam go their separate ways in the beginning but we still got some gold out of it with 5x03 and 5x04. And thankfully, we get more into not only more of the angel and apocalypse lore this season, but we also get to see how Cas’ relationship with the Winchesters is changing and more of what makes Cas tick as a character in his own right. And of course, bamf!Cas was very present. 

Brothers: Once again, had that finale happened after this season, it might have made more sense (sans the junk death) - because it’s very obvious that the co-dependency is alive and well here and it would have made more sense for their characters - while they have others outside of the two of them they are caring about (Bobby, Ellen, Jo just to name a few), it’s still the exclusive Winchester-only club. I truly enjoyed watching these two working together and moving towards the season finale. Dean’s memory of Sam and the fireworks, Dean talking about how Sam’s best memories weren’t the same as his (shocker, John Winchester is a d-bag, I’ll keep saying it), Dean struggling to make the decision to say yes to Michael, having to agree with the plan for Sam to say yes to Lucifer to try to trap the latter, Dean showing up to the cemetery -- all of it was incredible and the two of them were the beating heart of the show at that point. 5x22 will always be one of my favorite season finales for that show. It was pure awesomeness, truly epic and perfect.

Dean: holy hell, they really, really threw a lot into Dean this season - not that they hadn’t before, but damn. Each season just amps up the Dean game, just like I remember, and I am happily here for it again. No offense to Sam at all, but Dean is just so complex, so complicated yet straightforward, and there’s so many layers to him that they just keep peeling back and they feed us well each season. I swear, if you turned the sound off and just watched that scene where Dean tells Zachariah to call Michael, where Dean and Sam go their separate ways, you would know exactly everything Dean is feeling and thinking thanks to the incredible talent of one Mr. Jensen Ackles. Just really incredible. How this man never got nominated for an Emmy at any point for this show just astounds me. Yes, I know that show wasn’t considered a contender for that type of award run, but dammmnnnn. He deserves it and more. Watching this season and season 4 really brought back the original reasons I fell in love with Dean as a character in the first place. One of the best characters ever, I’m telling you. And may I just say, I hated that they brought back John’s leather jacket for him in the season finale but I get it, it was Kripke’s swan song (did I just do that? I believe I did) so we of course went back to core Winchester things, not just in story but every element. I’m ngl, I was so glad to see Dean shed it though when he is sitting down to dinner with Lisa and Ben.

Apocalypse: I thoroughly enjoyed this whole plot line - this really was high stakes, more than ever before, and though angels were dicks, there was Lucifer of course and a mysterious though mostly absent God behind the curtain - you just never knew what was going to be thrown at you next, just like the boys were going through.

Heaven/Mary: even though this definitely has to do with Dean more so, I did enjoy them seeing Ash and Pam, Ash’s setup, and of course Mary being there, seeing how such a good memory could be manipulated by the dick angels and the horrible things Mary said to Dean. Of course, I felt for Dean but it was interesting to see that whole scene play out. Plus we got even more confirmation of what we’ve known all along: John is a bonafide asshole and Dean really did experience facets of spousification, even before Mary died (which just makes me so sad for him, I swear if they don’t put a Cas vs John scene in the reboot... because you know Cas will win that thumb war)

Meg: ngl, I wasn’t really crazy about this iteration of Meg - I don’t mean Rachel Miner’s version, just this particular performance, which I chalk up to whoever decided they wanted her to go this route in her performance - I couldn’t believe it was the same character, the same actress - I am so glad the show/Rachel developed the character we all love to hate and secretly really love to how she was in later seasons

Jo: omg Jo. I have to admit, in season 2, in the first episode she showed up in, I despised her. She was like that bratty teenage kid who’s a real pain in the ass and whines and doesn’t get it. But after that episode, I grew to love her with each one she was in. She became a bamf in her own right and I loved seeing that come through this season especially. Her death was horrific (what is it with this show killing off bamf female hunters in such a gruesome way? it brought back horrible Eileen flashbacks for me personally, and for them to turn Meg and Ketch into somewhat redeemable characters after that... you know, I swear...) but heroic and I had never been more proud of my girl. Except the scene with Dean in the kitchen. As much as I love my chaotic hunter son, I was glad to see Jo flip him off in the way she did. So proud. And then her goodbye with Dean, I had forgotten exactly what he did so I was going “omg, she just saved you, Dean, this girl has feelings for you, she deserves at least a kiss, kiss her. right. the fuck. now!” and sure enough, he did, on the forehead, which I was like okay, well I get it, he doesn’t return those feelings but he does care about her but dammit, she deserved for him to plant one on her. and then he did and I was just gone, I was a complete bawling mess. And her goodbye scene with Ellen, and then her death along with Ellen’s sacrificing herself to stay by Jo’s side and give the boys a chance to get out of there...yeah, I didn’t stop crying for about five minutes. I cannot tell you how much I miss those characters and I would have sold someone else’s right arm to make their return in the series finale happen. Besides the obvious characters that should have been present, Ellen, Jo, and Ash deserved to be there (just not Samantha and Chad, if we can get a “Cas helped” for the third major character/lead, we can also get a “Ellen and Jo went to assist in setting up the honeymoon suite above the roadhouse - I said what I said).

John: usually, I cannot abide giving any time to this jerk, never mind talking about him, but I have to say I enjoyed seeing pre-loss John in 5x13. That conversation he has with Sam I think is so glaringly important. I know it was for Sam to forgive John and heal, but the fact that John himself is saying “how could he do that to you? he was supposed to protect you” -- yep, that was pure poetic cinema in my eyes. Because pre-loss John is right, how dare post-loss John do that to his boys? There’s no excuse anyone or this show can give him. As much as I love JDM, post-loss John Winchester will never be okay in my book.

Adam: omg Adam. First of all, I loved his dynamic with Sam and Dean. I really, really wish we could have had him around longer just for that alone. What an awesome character we could have had giving Dean and Sam a run for their money. “Well, we’re working on the power of love.” “How’s that going?” “Not so great.” -- give me an episode of the three brothers on a milk run hunt (sans generic mask-wearing vampmimes) with all of the fixings and I swear we would get done!Sam, consistently being roasted between Dean and Adam, and then Dean thinking he’s got a mutual now, a BFF, and Adam turning right around to roast him as well. It would be epic, I tell you, epic. I wish Adam had gotten a better end, this season and at the end of the series. He certainly deserved better. And this may be a random observation but why did Michael take Adam at all? I know the countdown had begun and he was desperate to grab a vessel so he could fight Lucifer at the appointed time and Dean was not giving in (that he knew of), but what chance of victory did he think he had without using his true vessel? Using that logic, I guess Michael’s end in the series makes more sense now...? Who knows.

Chuck: Swan Song (5x22) and the lines, “Endings are hard. Any chapped ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There’s always gonna be holes. And since it’s the ending, it’s all supposed to add up to something. I’m telling you, they’re a raging pain in the ass“ -- did anyone else feel like that was Kripke speaking or is it just me?

Season 6:

the whole Lisa thing: while it was nice to see Dean go domestic, I have to say I was more invested in Dean and Ben’s relationship development than I was with Dean and Lisa’s. The chemistry just wasn’t there, I have to be honest (he and Anna actually had more chemistry for a few minutes than he did with Lisa this whole season). I don’t doubt they loved each other, it was real, and Lisa was good for him at the time but it just didn’t have that spark. I loved Lisa as a character in her own right, but I was happy to see her and Dean eventually go their separate ways. Though my heart broke for Ben on that one. He and Dean really had a whole father-son bond happening there. I appreciated that when Ben called him, even that one time that nothing was really wrong, Dean dropped everything and headed right over. They had a bond of their own happening outside of Dean and Lisa’s. I think Dean ultimately made the right choice in the end to keep Lisa and Ben safe (though they should have been able to choose if they wanted this), but God did that cost him and we see it in that scene outside of the hospital with Sam. How much that hurt for him, and for us to see how it killed him to do it. I’m still grateful that he got to see what the domestic life was like and that he got a reprieve from hunting for a bit. It made complete sense as to why Cas didn’t want to pull him back in to ask for help with Raphael.

Destiel: Welp, now there’s definitely an emotional relationship happening. Meaning the bond has become even more forefront and not only is Dean affected, but we also see that Cas is, too. Dean’s reaction to finding out Cas was working with Crowley the whole time, Cas’ reaction to Dean choosing to save the two boys instead of focusing on finding Eve, Cas’ reaction to Dean’s stance on the Crowley situation, Dean’s finding out Crowley kidnapped Lisa and Ben, Cas asking Dean to trust him, Dean seeing Cas becoming the new God and needing to summon Death, etc. It was fantastic. While it hurt during some moments, I enjoyed seeing the dynamics and reactions to these situations play out. This is definitely a friendship now, a family relationship formed (and still forming) like Dean says in 6x20. Imho, Jensen and Misha knocked it out of the park this season when it came to that relationship. I loved it.

Cas: holy hell, 6x20 has become one of my all-time favorite episodes of SPN. I loved seeing Cas’ POV. Cas was already a fave character of mine but this episode made me fall in love with him all over again. This was incredible and I’m so thankful they fed us so well with this one. I really enjoyed seeing Cas as a character stepping into the forefront, right there with Dean and Sam. Yes, he was a part of TFW before this, but you have to admit that in this season, it becomes a whole new ball game. Really amazing stuff and of course, Misha slayed it all.

Meg & Megstiel: I was so happy to see the iteration of Meg return that we know from later seasons. Maybe I’m just too used to that version but to me this felt more effortless for the character and for Rachel, that really let both shine. Personally, I’m not a Megstiel shipper. While I love their dynamic, it just isn’t there for me, but I really did enjoy their scenes together. Cas felt as if he needed a little shaking up so to speak so I think she was perfect for that. Plus, I have a hard time forgiving those in the show that sic Hellhounds on my bamf female hunters so that might be partially the reason for my bias, just saying. (I never really forgave Ketch either)

Samuel...& Co: I just...why? Don’t get me wrong, I liked Mitch but this felt a bit...I don’t know...off? Other than some place for Soulless!Sam to go while Dean was playing house and for nabbing Alphas for Crowley, I don’t get what the point of this story line was? Was it to show us that Mary’s dad was a d-bag? Check. Was it to show us how people sometimes make the worst decisions when it comes to their family? Double check. Like, we kind of already got that and it was just unnecessary confirmation if that makes sense. And the thing that kills me is that Samuel was in Hell (or goes to Hell, I kind of did other things in the background during that arc) but he loved his daughter enough to betray her sons and do the wrong thing but John gets to go to Heaven? This still confounds me. Though I enjoyed Gwen and it was a shame she couldn’t be a family contact in another state for the boys later on to pop up every now and then.

Soulless!Sam: I enjoyed this part of Sam’s arc but I won’t lie, I was relieved like everyone else when he finally got his soul back though waited with bated breath for the other shoe to drop. But it was interesting to see this side of Sam.

Dad!Dean: I know I mentioned Dean and Ben above, but that one episode with the shifter!baby, that was priceless and God, did I love it.

I just loved going back to this for both boys

Coffee At The Movies: The Lion King

Nants ingonyama, y’all! It’s been a minute since I last snuck coffee and booze into a movie but the call of photorealistic animals singing the songs of my youth was too much to resist. Sprudge may have slightly ruined a few filmgoers’ Saturday afternoons by sending T. Ben Fischer and me to get caffeinated and a little sloppy at a matinee of the reanimated The Lion King, but like an even gayer Statler and Waldorf, we ventured into the Cobble Hill Cinemas in Brooklyn, NY armed with Stumptown cold brew stubbies and rosé and ready to work out all of our emotions while we watched with different expectations. I’m a hardcore modern Disney skeptic while T. Ben’s favorite movie is Frozen and his Disney shareholder certificate hangs proudly in our apartment. What follows is a conversation we had after we sobered up:

ERIC J. GRIMM: Well, T. Ben, I told you you couldn’t possibly get me to see this flick and now you’ve gotten your wish. Are you happy?

T. BEN FISCHER: NO! It was horrrrrible! I’m so angry we watched it!

EJG: But my Disney princess, it had all of your favorite songs! Mind you, with the exception of Beyoncé’s, they were all sung terribly…

TBF: Ter-rib-ly. I wanted to throw my coffee at the screen during “Be Prepared.” Who was Scar? He was the worst.

EJG: Chiwetel Ejiofor. He was nominated for an Oscar.

TBF: For this?!?

EJG: No, you can’t be nominated for an Oscar until the year is over. He was nominated in 2014.

TBF: Can he be un-nominated and never nominated for anything else ever?

EJG: I’ll make some calls. He definitely took Scar to the most boring depths imaginable. Jeremy Irons was so deliciously evil and campy!

TBF: I don’t know who Jeremy is but the old Scar is fabulous. All of the old characters are fabulous. Why were the new ones all so boring?

EJG: That definitely bugged me the whole time. It was as if they were mostly directed to tone it down so it wouldn’t sound the same as the original even though the script is almost identical. John Oliver (Zazu), Billy Eichner (Timon), and Seth Rogen (Pumbaa) all sounded like they had someone whispering into their ear while they were recording, “Don’t have fun. Pleeeeeease don’t have fun with this.”

TBF: They should’ve just reused the voices from the old movie. They would have saved so much money!

EJG: It definitely would’ve accomplished the same goal. But then you wouldn’t have Beyoncé as Nala or Donald Glover as Simba!

TBF: That new Beyoncé song was the only good part. Can we talk about how ugly the movie looked?

EJG: Wha– sure. So ugly. The original is so pretty and the musical numbers all have cute gags and some dancing. This one just has animals kind of running around while they badly sing our faves.

TBF: Badly? Try, ter-rib-ly.

EJG: Pretty much the same thing, but go on.

TBF: “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” was an abomination. Young Simba [JD McCrary] was totally off-key. I sound better in kara’oke.

EJG: Well, you’re probably both equally… alternative in your understanding of musicality. That number definitely stuck out as a low point. Nothing like dead-eyed animals to take the joy out of the most exciting musical number in the movie. A lot of people think the movie looks technically amazing.

TBF: IT LOOKS TECHNICALLY TERRIBLE. Why would I want to see real animals just do the same movie when I could watch the old one? It just looks like they put the Snapchat puppy filter on all the animals!

EJG: The real animal concept doesn’t even make sense. Real lions don’t conspire to overthrow their kings with hyenas or befriend warthogs and meerkats and abandon their carnivore instincts.

TBF: They just did all the same things from the first one. The only thing I can think that they changed was that the women lions got to be hunters and fighters.

EJG: Which is cool, I guess, except when you realize that the plot of the movie hinges on a pride of all female lions who need their stoner estranged prince to save them from the sloppiest and most easily overthrown dictator.

TBF: They should have had Beyoncé just murder Scar and all of the hyenas. Why couldn’t we just get a Beyoncé Lion King?

EJG: Well, we kinda did! She recorded a whole Lion King inspired album. It’s pretty tight!

TBF: She did?!? Did she record all the songs?!?!

EJG: No, she made a bunch of new ones. It’s basically Lionade!

TBF: Okay, I’m done talking about the stupid movie. Let’s listen to Beyoncé.

EJG: You got it.

TBF: Oh, and you’re taking me to see Frozen 2 at least five times to make up for this.

EJG: Yes, dear.

Eric J. Grimm (@ericjgrimm) writes about pop culture and coffee for Sprudge Media Network, and lives in Manhattan. Read more Eric J. Grimm on Sprudge.

T. Ben Fischer is a coffee professional, US Barista Championship Finalists, and creator of Glitter Cat Barista Bootcamp. This is T. Ben Fischer’s first feature for Sprudge.

The post Coffee At The Movies: The Lion King appeared first on Sprudge.

Coffee At The Movies: The Lion King published first on https://medium.com/@LinLinCoffee

Coffee At The Movies: The Lion King

Nants ingonyama, y’all! It’s been a minute since I last snuck coffee and booze into a movie but the call of photorealistic animals singing the songs of my youth was too much to resist. Sprudge may have slightly ruined a few filmgoers’ Saturday afternoons by sending T. Ben Fischer and me to get caffeinated and a little sloppy at a matinee of the reanimated The Lion King, but like an even gayer Statler and Waldorf, we ventured into the Cobble Hill Cinemas in Brooklyn, NY armed with Stumptown cold brew stubbies and rosé and ready to work out all of our emotions while we watched with different expectations. I’m a hardcore modern Disney skeptic while T. Ben’s favorite movie is Frozen and his Disney shareholder certificate hangs proudly in our apartment. What follows is a conversation we had after we sobered up:

ERIC J. GRIMM: Well, T. Ben, I told you you couldn’t possibly get me to see this flick and now you’ve gotten your wish. Are you happy?

T. BEN FISCHER: NO! It was horrrrrible! I’m so angry we watched it!

EJG: But my Disney princess, it had all of your favorite songs! Mind you, with the exception of Beyoncé’s, they were all sung terribly…

TBF: Ter-rib-ly. I wanted to throw my coffee at the screen during “Be Prepared.” Who was Scar? He was the worst.

EJG: Chiwetel Ejiofor. He was nominated for an Oscar.

TBF: For this?!?

EJG: No, you can’t be nominated for an Oscar until the year is over. He was nominated in 2014.

TBF: Can he be un-nominated and never nominated for anything else ever?

EJG: I’ll make some calls. He definitely took Scar to the most boring depths imaginable. Jeremy Irons was so deliciously evil and campy!

TBF: I don’t know who Jeremy is but the old Scar is fabulous. All of the old characters are fabulous. Why were the new ones all so boring?

EJG: That definitely bugged me the whole time. It was as if they were mostly directed to tone it down so it wouldn’t sound the same as the original even though the script is almost identical. John Oliver (Zazu), Billy Eichner (Timon), and Seth Rogen (Pumbaa) all sounded like they had someone whispering into their ear while they were recording, “Don’t have fun. Pleeeeeease don’t have fun with this.”

TBF: They should’ve just reused the voices from the old movie. They would have saved so much money!

EJG: It definitely would’ve accomplished the same goal. But then you wouldn’t have Beyoncé as Nala or Donald Glover as Simba!

TBF: That new Beyoncé song was the only good part. Can we talk about how ugly the movie looked?

EJG: Wha– sure. So ugly. The original is so pretty and the musical numbers all have cute gags and some dancing. This one just has animals kind of running around while they badly sing our faves.

TBF: Badly? Try, ter-rib-ly.

EJG: Pretty much the same thing, but go on.

TBF: “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” was an abomination. Young Simba [JD McCrary] was totally off-key. I sound better in kara’oke.

EJG: Well, you’re probably both equally… alternative in your understanding of musicality. That number definitely stuck out as a low point. Nothing like dead-eyed animals to take the joy out of the most exciting musical number in the movie. A lot of people think the movie looks technically amazing.

TBF: IT LOOKS TECHNICALLY TERRIBLE. Why would I want to see real animals just do the same movie when I could watch the old one? It just looks like they put the Snapchat puppy filter on all the animals!

EJG: The real animal concept doesn’t even make sense. Real lions don’t conspire to overthrow their kings with hyenas or befriend warthogs and meerkats and abandon their carnivore instincts.

TBF: They just did all the same things from the first one. The only thing I can think that they changed was that the women lions got to be hunters and fighters.

EJG: Which is cool, I guess, except when you realize that the plot of the movie hinges on a pride of all female lions who need their stoner estranged prince to save them from the sloppiest and most easily overthrown dictator.

TBF: They should have had Beyoncé just murder Scar and all of the hyenas. Why couldn’t we just get a Beyoncé Lion King?

EJG: Well, we kinda did! She recorded a whole Lion King inspired album. It’s pretty tight!

TBF: She did?!? Did she record all the songs?!?!

EJG: No, she made a bunch of new ones. It’s basically Lionade!

TBF: Okay, I’m done talking about the stupid movie. Let’s listen to Beyoncé.

EJG: You got it.

TBF: Oh, and you’re taking me to see Frozen 2 at least five times to make up for this.

EJG: Yes, dear.

Eric J. Grimm (@ericjgrimm) writes about pop culture and coffee for Sprudge Media Network, and lives in Manhattan. Read more Eric J. Grimm on Sprudge.

T. Ben Fischer is a coffee professional, US Barista Championship Finalists, and creator of Glitter Cat Barista Bootcamp. This is T. Ben Fischer’s first feature for Sprudge.

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