#spiralling forever over this
Text
#bangel#bangeledit#btvs#ats#btvsedit#atsedit#buffy summers#angel#buffysource#dailybtvs#dailyats#UGLY SOBBING BC THEY DIDN'T GET TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE LIKE IT THE FOLLOWING DAY#spiralling forever over this#but well angel got his shanshu and they got many other mornings together#that's what happened thank you
203 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen ning#wei wuxian#wen qing#jiang cheng#Truly Massive disclaimer here: I am a Jiang Cheng enjoyer. I like his character. I enjoy that he is very flawed and volatile.#This episode of the audio drama has a lot of great breakdown scenes featuring JC - and they all deserve a feature.#But underlying this comic is a small meta comment of 'ah man I have too many comics of JC just wailing sadly'#My goal is to draw 6-8 comics per episode - I sometimes have to truncate and cut good scenes out.#Especially when a large majority is just different flavours of trauma and toxic relationships to your self-worth.#I would also like to make a note here that just because you lose the ability to do something that is very tied to your core identity-#-does not mean your life is over. It will feel like the end of the world. It will send you into a spiral of grief. It will hurt so badly.#Sometimes we do not realize how tied up our identities can be in certain things until we are cut loose.#You don't lose yourself. I promise the pain will fade in time. I promise you will find other things to tether you. I promise you will be ok#Life moves forwards. Time moves forwards. You move forwards.#Ego death just means an opportunity for ego rebirth. You are never committed to being the same person forever.#To wrap this around to JC: Yeah I love the twist with the core transfer but man I would have loved to see JC accept the loss.#Obviously it happens for a reason (story) but I can have my AUs. I can have these 'what-ifs'.#described in alt text#I'm trying it out! *please* give me feedback - I want to eventually Add image ID to all of these comics one day
858 notes
·
View notes
Text
Wizard 101: Hey kid, you just got pulled into Wizard School, and it looks like you're ready to start. Go down that path and someone will teach you to fight. Oh shit, that's Malistare, uhhhh, *one minor battle later* Good job kid. Go and do some little quests and beat up some fairies, you're doing great! :)
Pirate 101: You're in jail. Pirates are breaking you out of jail! They're... asking about your trauma. You're a pirate, an orphan, the son of a whore and a scotsman, you were raised by another group of people, now you're pulling a jail break and helping other prisoners escape! A uhhh, a guy threatens to murder you. He's the one who locked you up. The pirate guy almost dies and you have to drive his ship??? *one stressful sail later* Hey kid, go beat up this guy who stole from me. I'm gonna cheat and scam you, btw, just so you know. :)
#light's spot#W101#P101#pirate101#wizard101#I'm biased because I'm a Wizard thru and thru#but I played Pirate yesterday and am losing my mind over the shift of tone#in w101 it's like sure I'm the hero of the spiral but it's a story of training and growth and friendship#in p101 it's like I'm a wanted criminal yet I don't have a ship or a name for myself nor a crew and this Armada guy really wants to murder#me specifically???#anyways#Silent Ryan Ironside is my mute pirate and Subodai will forever be my first mate because we're bound by mutual imprisonment and escape#<- She's a Swashbuckler and was raised in Grizzleheim btw. her parents were killed in a mutiny#pretty sure she became a mute after her parents were killed and the Grizzleheim bears gave her the name “Silent” and she took the lastname#of “Ironside” while she was in their care because she'd shoulder her way into battle#fun shift of pace from Natalie BlueFlower who was just like#huh I'm an ice wizard now- HOLY SHIT I'M GETTING MAGICKED AT-#and then never stopped being magicked at lmao
265 notes
·
View notes
Text
I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck
#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i#in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where#i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever#i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at#and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like#everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd .#just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up#not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until#i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg#the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was#i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different#well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl#i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
who: @cinnamonfm
where: g's rave
charlie could say she wasn't particularly competitive, but who was she kidding? she liked to win, and she liked even more to gloat. "didn't think this would quite be your scene," she sauntered over to heni with a knowing grin. "although you have been surprising me lately." what was wrong with a little teasing?
#i am so sorry this took forever#rip me#ft: heni#♦‘ﾟ‣ {.chats } — ❝ i’m spiraling all over the place ❞
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
the underuse of literally everyone meaningful to dick during the ric arc never fails to make me 😃🔪
#LIKE WHY WERE THERE FOUR RANDOS RUNNING AROUND IN NWING SUITS!!!!!!#forever mourning the info that tim was supposed to take over blud for dick 😫😫😫#but like the titan.s especially they have never in their collective lives taken an order from bruce with grace#ESPECIALLY when it comes to dick be sooooo serious rn (same with dick faking his death like how did the titan.s not kick his ass)#and for tim it wouldve signified them going back to what they used to be like always at having each others backs when worse goes to worst#they couldve made it such an arc!!! we couldve gotten brothers again!!!! we couldve gotten SOMETHING meaningful anything!!!!#bea was the only good part#final closing argument like it just lacked such depth and one of dicks greatest weapons will always be the connections he makes!!!#gnawing at the bars of my enclosure (bad writing)#ok i promise ill actually do replies ive been on a spiral looking for panels for this one post#and getting lost re-reading 😔#* i'd love to write but it's just not realistic / ooc.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
learning a lot abt myself today. nothing good but that's business as usual
#not that i didn't know it's bad and painful but it's nice to get some validation. ofc I'm saying that tho. i have bpd.#i googled smth then started clicking all these google questions and went down a rabbit hole and now I'm spiraling 👍 oh well#bpd is literally like ''damn shit's fucked'' disorder except once the shit gets fucked you can never unfuck it#you can spray some air freshener if you're lucky. but the shit will forever remain fucked#. not the best analogy but you get me here i think. also i made myself laugh which helped my current panicking over being an awful person
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Honestly thank god for my job because I was driving in hating everyone and everything and desiring to become a hermit and now that I’m at work I’m vibing and don’t have near as much malice in my heart
#my thoughts#I love my job#❤️ the library#my favorite tree right up against our house was cut down and it sent me spiraling#I will miss it forever my house is so ugly now#I will miss the shade it provided#it’s beautiful flowers in the spring#the branches that drooped over the kitchen window#it’s been there longer than me. it didn’t deserve this#it was a weeping cherry#I saved two cuttings off it so it will maybe live on but it’s not the same#I didn’t even get to say goodbye#uh oh I am making myself sad again#can’t cry at work#and I hate that no one else feels this way#that other people think I’m stupid for crying over a tree#and that’s why I hate everyone
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
tw rape (not cnc), venting, negative
its been four months, and its all i can think about.
i can feel the duct tape on my wrists.
i can feel the pressure on my neck and chest.
i can taste the fabric of his boxers in my mouth.
i can still feel the dull sting on my ass from the canes.
i can feel the hair being ripped out from the tape he used to make me keep it in.
i can smell the non latex condoms he used, because he was allergic to latex.
i sob and cry and panic whenever a pillow ends up on my face.
even when it was an accident, or it happened in my sleep...
i wake up in terror, thinking that it's happening all over again.
and there's five new scratches on my face to prove it.
i get aroused thinking about it, sometimes.
and yet, im ashamed of it and ashamed of myself for letting it happen.
i have taken at least a hundred showers since that day, may seventeenth, twenty twenty-three.
multiple times a day, some days, and the filth he has buried in my skin has not washed off and i doubt it ever will.
i was and am a stupid whore, and im ashamed of myself for letting it happen to me.
i remember he only stopped because he couldn't get it up and cum any more.
it was four months ago and it was all my fault.
#cw rape#rape cw#rape tw#tw rape#vent post#vent#trauma dump#trauma#im obsessing over this incident again like a psycho bitxg#i probably had it coming#hes probably living his life#happy comfortable not a thought or concern#but im over here. ruined. traumatized. destroyed. spiralling further than ever before#hes part of my body and my soul forever andi just want to claw him out#or get myself a new body and soul. these ones are tainted#these ones are tainted and its all my fault#how can i call myself a victim when i let it happen
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Being insecure over my art sucks ass because what else am I supposed to do?
The only good thing about my art is the rendering and everything else is subpar. Nobody really cares about my art and it doesn’t stand out in any way.
#honestly I was happier when I wasn’t posting any art and keeping it to myself#why bother to share my art with others when they don’t care about it at all#at least if I don’t post it I won’t notice how people don’t fucking care about it#I’m going to be spiraling soooooo much lol#I’m at least not to the point where I want to disappear forever so let me just whine and bitch#thought about deleting my art blogs but maxie beat some sense into me at least#everybody else is a better artist than me and can do what I do better. why bother posting at this point when it’ll just get looked over#maybe I should just stop posting. nobody really cares anyways
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me when I want to be wanted more than anything else
#I think I’d be more normal if I had more friends but every friend I lose makes me isolate more and more and now it’s like I can only trust#people I’ve interacted with for years already#and then every time I try to make friends I either don’t respond (anxiety. not feeling a vibe. whatever) or they stop responding when I#actually like them (someone who talked to me for like four days in an row and then randomly blocked me no explanation)#I think if I made more friends or even talked to more people I’d understand how to do it successfully but I don’t have enough experience and#no one wants to be friends with me (and it’s scary when they do!!!) wahhhhhhhhhh#I need to move somewhere new and talk to strangers I’m good at that#I made more friends a a concert age 14 than I have from me the ages of 16-19 and i think that’s ridiculous#how do I explain to everyone ever that nothing bad happened to me I’m just mentally ill bc my hormones are fucked and it’s let me to spiral#and ruin my own life and then slowly painfully build my life back up and then crush it all again over and over again for years and years#to the point where I’m afraid I’ll never amount to anything so the idea of ever truly having people who find any value for me in their lives#feels like it’s fake and then when I do finally trust people I end up loving too hard and fucking it up and then I isolate for even longer#it’s takes me twice as long to find a new friend and trust them again and then it happens all over again#it feels like I’m destined to be alone bc I can’t tell the difference between platonic shit and flirting so I have a wall between me and#everyone else bc I’m afraid to like someone too much and confuse my brain bc I don’t ever want to like someone who doesn’t like me even if#it’s as friends bc I’ve put more effort in than other ppl always but it’s bc I put too much effort in and expect too much and no one else#is as weirdly obsessive and clingy and dedicated as I am bc I’m not normal and that’s why no one likes me bc I try too hard or not at all#and it makes everyone in my life family friends crushes whatever hate me bc I’m all or nothing forever I can’t just be normal#I think a lifetime of living with my mother has permanently damaged the way I see myself#who are all these normal ideal people in my brain why did my mother put them there and why will I always be worse than a hypothetical person#designed to shame me for struggling which gets louder the more I struggle#spirals cycles etc etc etc#ugh. I want my brain to turn off I’m gonna go take a dab and maybe delete this later
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Okay, I've had some time to eat something, and I think I've calmed down a bit
...I think
#ooc: nicole's talkin'#had a really bad anxiety spiral thinking about the dilemma from yesterday#Because I found myself in the situation of:#“do I try to make a credits page and stress out over trying to find art from literal years ago”#or#“do I try to draw my own icons and risk tanking my artistic credibility forever”#soooo yeah; not fun
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
The hate that Chuck Better Call Saul gets isn't undeserved because he is such an asshole to Jimmy and like. His absence of faith in him was The maneuvering cog into him becoming Saul Goodman (also setting off the domino effect to his own death along the way) but. I have such a soft spot for him if not only for the fact that we have similar grounding techniques
#I thought I was going to cry watching the grocery store cold open I was like yeah man me too#also I LIKE michael mckean. and he happens to play mentally ill stuffed-shirt really well#also also. chuck was at the core of so much of what jimmy did but that doesn't mean jimmy didn't also fuck him over#and it's one of those scenarios where it's difficult to say if he deserved getting back at because. did the ends justify the means?#in his last moments he probably knew he fucked himself over in all this. but... he was mentally ill man.... he was spiraling.....#it's tough and it's sensitive and I'm going to think about it forever. ugh#rozzie rambles
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
“you’re a good friend,” my brother says once, in goodbye.
i tell him again, “i love you,” and i can hear the static in my voice. he doesn’t hear me at all—probably expects i’ve already hung up the phone—he’s singing so loudly. “enjoy your movie,” i say a bit louder. he shouts, “okay,” and i press the red button.
over a hundred miles away, in a hollow apartment, the quiet of loneliness is rustled by a mouseclick when i close a results page.
#not sure what to say of this except i love my little brother to fucking death#he is so sweet and lovely and he just melts my heart#one of my best fucking friends truly#he called for a quick emotional support pep talk because my family’s kittens are going to their forever home#he quickly spiraled mentioned he couldn’t remember the title of a movie and rambled out bits and baubles#i blinked and was opening google before i’d properly realized i had no idea what movie he was talking about and would Need to google#i am on the other side of the state spelling g as in grandma n as in nerd#i want to sob because i am. all the way over here and he is. all the way over there. and i can still be there for him????#i am loved??????#i have love to give?????#i am my little brother’s emotional support buddy and he is one of the most important people to me and i’m just really Feelingsed about it rn#i’ve just been in a really fuckin tough place recently and this seven minute phone call filled me with so much hope and happy#shut up im holding the trashtalking breadstick
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
*person posts art in an art focused channel on an art focused server*
me: oh fuck you how dare you post your art here, are you trying to show me up (I haven't posted anything in the last 3 years) how about you stop showing off you're just posting here for attention I literally hate you for this, if you have nice art you should just keep it to yourself instead of making everyone else feel bad why don't you just die and let someone else (me) have the spotlight. I'm killing and biting you right now how dare you
#YouTube is really out here recommending a video to me that was like#'oh if you're struggling with your art just go with the flow feel free to make something bad *drawing something gorgeous and perfect*'#like shut up do you WANT me to be in a bad mood#fuck you how about I just draw NOTHING and QUIT FOREVER IF I CAN'T DRAW PERFECTLY#if I can't do something perfectly than what's the goddamn point in doing it#I'm not crappy enough to be pitied for it#and I'm not good enough to be adored#damn I really thought 'oh I have free time today I could draw something since I've been too busy to lately'#but I guess those plans are going out the fucking window#... and just a moment ago#I remembered that it's supposedly very very easy to get attention on TikTok with little effort#and (horrifyingly) I spent a good few minutes hovering over the download button. prepared to start my TikTok art career#but I'd probably quit in a fit of rage when I don't know how to play to the algorithm and nobody cares about my stupid cutthroat fanart#.........#wow is it apparently very easy for me to just spiral the second someone doesn't love me correctly#like the Parents Didn't Fully Approve Of Something I Liked#to I Should Just Quit Drawing Forever Because Nobody Could Ever Love Me Without Pretending#is a very weird pipeline and I have no idea how these things correlate but somehow they do#.. I should go do something else before I get too deep into this#rave ramblees#vent
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
me, afraid to develop a benzo addiction so doesn’t take any of my prescribed clonazepam for >1yr : eek!!😨😰no thx!!😓😓
me, 1 year of worsening escapist behavior + 6.5mg klonopin later: now THIS is the shit im talkin bout😎😎🤤🤤
#IM NOT CONDONING DRUG ABUSE PLSSS TAKE UR PRESCRIPTIONS AS PRESCRIBED!!#benzodiazepines are only rlly addictive if the person starts abusing them. not if ur taking them as prescribed#also i can’t just keep doing this on the regular degular ok this was a blip in the simulation#i just had an awful spiraling start to my day at 6am and just wanted to sleep away the pain of realizing i’ll never have my mom again#everything i wanted someone to feel abt me everything i wanted them to say that they love me that they’re proud that they’re going to miss#i was so desperate to be comforted i even left my room and went up to my dad before he left for work and he didn’t even notice the tears#then the waterworks started and my dad finally hugged me against his chest#i felt so small like a child 22 year old me jsut wanted to be comforted by her dad like#like a child all over again#but ik i had to get it together i couldn’t be a child forever so i let go#i went back to my room n i couldn’t qualm the sobbing abandoned child within i couldn’t give her her mom back#all i could do to make this anxiety this pain this desire to see her again right now now now.#all i could do was take my anxiolytic and hope it put me to sleep. just for a little while#i only wanted to sleep for just a little while until the storm passed and i woke up n forgot what it feels like to miss my momma#she wrote her last letter to me and i spiraled at her words#‘i’m really going to miss YOU’ as i tell myself over and over i don’t rlly miss her i’m numb to her absence#‘ our coffee dates. car rides. shopping’ i don’t remember any of those things not clearly at least#’sitting in the couch together holding your hand while running my fingers through all that hair of yours’#that’s all i want . someone to run their fingers through my hair. but she’s not here anymore no one wants to love me like she did#‘you know your self worth like i taught you when you were just an itty bitty little baby’#how would she feel now if she knew my self worth was 0 it’s nothing i’m worthless i’m alive to be used n abused i’m not worth anythin#not worth anything good#i always thought she was my best friend. in her letter she said i was her best friend .i always thought my feelings were one sided. but no#she said she’d look at me and it was like looking into a mirror#now when i look into a mirror i don’t recognize the reflection they’re a stranger to me#was she my mirror too??? and now that she’s gone i don’t know who i am anymore????#if she’s gone i might as well be gone too#these awful thoughts needed to stop i needed to sleep so i took 12x the amt im supposed to#it’s not gonna happen again. but i won’t lie it was nice while it lasted#ramblings
8 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
gepigom2883
Prisionera politica virtual
viviart
VIVI.@rt
jerryshapins
sketch&place
targaryenlibrarian
end times & pick-up lines