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super-lemon-sama · 5 years

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I’ve made a very personal realization recently.

I normally don’t post personal stuff that isn't just like a funny story or something silly, but I really wanted to share this.

It’s pretty long and kind of a jumbled mess so I’ll leave it under read more.

Okay this is gonna sound weird but- I just realized that I’m like really actually gay.

I mean the past two years I’ve been pretty open about liking girls so we been known, you know, but not like known known?

That probably doesn't make sense.

What I mean is I didn't totally understand it.

(if you wanna skip to the chase you can scroll down to the bottom and read under the horizontal line)

You see my family is pretty conservative, and I love them and all but I have to be honest, they aren’t very open minded. On top of that It wasn't until VERY recently that I’ve had any openly gay friends or piers.

So for the past seven years I’ve really struggled with who I am and how I feel. It’s hard to talk about it and accept my feeling because for years and years I really convinced myself that I was just fucked in the head and couldn't love anyone. I thought the only correct option for me was to like guys and that if I didn't like guys there was something wrong with me.

It wasn't even on my radar that a girl could actually like a girl. It was so cemented in my brain that guys were the only option, and never had anyone around me who could show or tell me otherwise. Like it wasn't that my family or community forced those crazy “you cant be gay!” or “gay is a sin, and if you’re gay you’re going to hell!” “values” upon me. It’s that no one ever spoke about the gays or being gay. Gay just didn't exist in my world.

I was so completely... uninformed I guess.

The first time I discovered anything gay was around 8th grade; I was on the internet by then and hung out with the weebs at school so I had heard of Yuri and Yaoi. (I rarely saw yuri though) These two girls in particular who I was the closest to in the weeb group, were in fact lesbians. But like my brain just couldn't recognize it. I didn't realized they were ACTUAL lesbians for the longest time, one because I just thought they were acting like these two anime characters they shipped together and two because I still didn't know what a lesbian was, I just knew that a girl kissing a girl was yuri.

there’s so much that I didn't know or understand. I wish that someone who could have just told me so I wouldn't have had to suffer so much just to learn what I know now.

it was also around 8th grade that I found out Asexuality was a thing and was like:

“Oh yeah that’s super me!”

because back then (and even now) I hated the thought of being physically intimate with a guy. It super freaked me out and made me uncomfortable.

Additionally America is fucked and likes to make people scared of sex instead of actually educating anyone about it; so for most of my life intimacy of any kind has always been labeled as “A bad bad terrible thing you should never do or you’re a shameful and disgusting person”. It was so bad that I thought that it was wrong to even think about holding someones hand. (I’m still struggling with that tbh. partly because of my anxiety and slight germaphobia. But i’m getting better about it and it almost not even a problem around people I’ve known for a long time)

I dont really remember when or what led me to realize I liked girls. I just remember it was around maybe 11th or 12th grade, when I befriended this guy and thought that since I liked him more than other guys that I had met that it meant I “like liked” him, so we started dating. Around this time I still considered myself asexual, but started joking about anime girls and shit like that, because it was the hip meme at the time.

But the more I joked about liking girls the more I realized that it wasn't really a joke. I started thinking about how pretty and nice girls are; and about how I like being around them. How I never really felt any strong or even really positive feelings towards any guys. So I started thinking if I had ever liked anyone more than my boyfriend at the time, and it hit me like a brick.

I dont want to talk about it to much but there’s a certain person I used to talk to that I was really really close to. I always thought about how I wanted to live in a house with her and see her everyday and joked about getting best friend married to her. They were jokes but I did mean them. I really did want to live with her, I wanted to see her everyday, and I remember really wishing there was such a thing as “best friend marriage”.

If I had even one openly gay friend back then I think I would have figured it out so much sooner.

Actually Thinking back on it now all my friends probably thought I was gay, wish one of them would have told me, lmao.

(I also realized that a majority of my ocs were very very gay)

But I was fucked up about it for a long time, because she was my best friend, and I had been saying I was straight or asexual for so long, I was so scared people were going to think I was a crazy liar and hate me. Plus she was straight and had a boyfriend by the time I moved away.

Which I wasn't sad or mad about actually. He's a really cool dude and he made her really happy which always made me really happy. Like he would make her laugh and I would almost want to just thank the dude for making her so happy.

We drifted apart, which is kind of my fault. I missed her so much but I felt like it was wrong for me to miss her, and I was scared that I would confess my feelings to her compulsively and it would make everything awful and weird, and that she wouldn't want to talk to me ever again. To me our friendship going unruined was the most important thing, because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or unhappy, so and my dumb ass brain decided that If I basically stop being friends with her by ghosting her that I couldn't ruin our friendship.

It’s not like our friendship ever “ended” or anything. If I wanted to talk to her I’m sure I could. But it’s been so long that I just want to leave that door closed. But I’m at peace with that and have actually been able to move on.

There’s some stuff I want to briefly mention just because they’ve all happened pretty recently so I don’t entirely have my thoughts on them settled yet.

How about two years ago in my collage art class I made friends with some lgbt people who Invited me to their club, and started going to meeting with a couple different lgbt students. I learned a lot there. I wish I would have asked more questions back then but it was all so new at the time I dont think I could have reaaaally understood any explanations I got anyway.

I dated someone who was non-binary trans for a while, and I have to be honest I didn't really get it back then; transgender was a new concept for me at the time so I kept getting confused. You see I thought trans only applied to mtf and ftm and that non-binary was a category all it’s own. I mean it is but you know what I mean.

I wanted to understand but felt like asking them questions about it would have been mean so I didn't. hhhhhhhhhhhh im so fukin dumbbbb.

I’m not proud of it but I broke up with them because I felt so bad for not understanding them, I felt like I wasn't giving them the understanding and validation they deserved. I really liked hanging out with them and talking to them, but they really liked me and I just felt like I wasn't a good enough. I was so scared of hurting their feelings that I... hurt their feelings.

Flawless logic, I know.

and here’s the part were I finally realize that I’m a big gay

It’s stupid because It’s literally the most basic and obvious thing you would realize when you’re gay and yet it somehow took me this long to figure it out.

I realized that the thought of kissing a guy is gross, but the thought of kissing a girl is nice.

I would be comfortable and happy being in a relationship with a girl.

I would like to live with and marry a girl one day.

I’m mad that it took me so long to freaking realize this shit, but I’m glad that I have.

I dont think I’m a lesbian technically since I do like non-binary people too (Though with a fem lean. if that’s how you say that???)

But there’s a lot I still dont know, like what I would even call myself, but I would really like to learn; So if any of you have read this far and want to share some of your knowledge please do!

Thank you all so much for your time and support, I love you and hope you have a great day!

#marie talks #personal #lgbt #i still have a LOT ahead of me #like the fact that im not technically out of the closet #and im nervous but i feel good about it #i hope i didnt say anything weird or fucked up #but if i did please let me know!

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