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404gendernotfound · 4 years

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My Little Squirrel Part 1 (Hybrid!Jisung x Reader)

Summary: Your best friend works at a hybrid shelter and needs your help after her favourite hybrid Jisung had been returned for the 6th time this month. She needed someone to help the poor sad boy after all this month’s heartbreak.

Contains: angst, fluff

Warnings: none

Wordcount: 3,5 K

Enjoy!

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I was sitting on my bed after taking a shower. It was a normal boring lazy day for me. I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram when I received a call from my best friend. I picked up the phone confused about her early call since she was supposed to be at work since 8 am.

“Hey. What’s up?”, I asked.

“I am so fucking angry right now. You won’t believe this”, she almost screamed at the phone making me move it away from my ear to not go deaf.

“Slowly girl. I am listening. Don’t scream at your phone. Take a deep breath and then talk”, I tried to calm her a bit since I knew how she was when something made her angry.

“You know that cute squirrel boy here at the shelter, Jisung?”

“Sure, since you can’t stop talking about him whenever you get the chance”, I giggled thinking about all the times she talked about him showing me pictures of the cute boy.

“What about him?”

“You remember how I told you that he was going to be adopted some time ago? I prepared everything, printed the documents and we usually test out if a hybrid can stay with their owner before we let them adopt. And they returned him after 2 days. And this is the fucking 6th time this month someone decided to take him in and then return him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM? YOU CAN’T JUST MAKE HIM GET HIS HOPES UP AND THEN GIVE HIM BACK! HE IS NOT A TOY YOU CAN RETURN WHEN YOU DON’T LIKE IT”

She was screaming at the phone and I was sure that all the hybrids at the shelter where now alarmed after hearing her scream. I felt anger build in my stomach. I totally understood why she was angry. I would be too. Knowing how hard it was for a hybrid to get an owner when they were living at a shelter only made this situation worse. People where still just seeing them as accessories which was disgusting. I knew some of the hybrids at the shelter since I sometimes visited her at her work but I never got the chance to meet Jisung in person. But I knew just from her telling me about him and showing me pictures of the cutie that he was pretty sensitive and that he wished for nothing more than just a safe home with people that love him just as much as he loves them.

“What do you mean by this is the 6th time? People have been bringing him back all month? How is he? He must feel terrible”, I said concern covering my voice.

That boy must feel horrible. He must be so sad right now. I heard her sigh on the other line before she started to talk.

“I had to take him to a separate room because he had been crying since he was brought back. All the bunnies in the common room where trying to cheer him up but he just hid in a corner. He is normally so happy and totally hyper but he has turned so quiet and sad for a squirrel hybrid. He had been eating less lately and I think he is slowly losing weight. I’m really worried. And this is where you step in”, she said and I already knew what her plan was.

“And now you want me to try and cheer him up.”

“PLEASE I BEG YOU”

She pleaded on the other line. Well I would love to try to make that boy cheer up but I actually had no idea how I was supposed to do that.

“Ok ok. I’ll do it. Is there something you can tell me about him that might help me?”

“Well he loves to wrap himself in really fluffy blankets and he is obsessed with everything that includes rice. He is very sensitive so you should be careful with what you say to him especially in his state right now.”, she explained and I took some notes in my head.

“When would you like me to come over there?”

“As soon as possible. I’m really concerned and he’s not letting me get close to him. I’m just hoping you with your talent for talking to strangers might help me out in this situation.”

“Alright. I’ll be on my way now. See you in a bit”

“See you then”

We ended the call and I rushed to my closet to choose an outfit. I just chose something comfortable which was a hoodie and my favorite leggings. I then put my hair into a messy bun and grabbed a bag. I knew that I still had a fluffy blanket somewhere. I searched all the cabinets in my bedroom and living room finally finding what I was searching for. It was a blue blanket with yellow stars on it and it was really warm and fluffy. I packed it in my bag and then got ready to go out. I put on my shoes and grabbed my wallet and keys before I left the house. I stopped by a groceries store to buy some rice cakes and then headed to the shelter. It wasn’t far from where I live so it didn’t take long to get there. I arrived there just 10 minutes after leaving the store. Warm air greeted me as I went inside. As soon as I stepped in bf/n was already walking towards me. I could see concert written all over her face. She hugged me before she started to talk.

“Thank you for stopping by. I really don’t know what to do with this boy. Just try to talk to him a bit, ok? That might already help”, she said before she started to walk towards the common room.

“I’ll try my best.”

We walked to the common room where I was greeted by 5 bunny hybrids tackling me to the ground.

“Guys I need to breath”, I screeched from under them trying to get them to not kill me with all their weigh on top of me.

“Sorry”, one of them apologized and smiled as I pet his head.

“It’s ok”, I smiled at him and watched his eyes sparkle.

These hybrids were just too cute. Bf/n watched me from the distance and smiled. She knew how much I loved hybrids and that I would do anything for them to see them smile. I was the perfect person for her to take care of Jisung in his state right now or she thought that at least. We walked through the backdoor and arrived in the corridor with all the different rooms. Every hybrid had their own room even though most of them had shared their rooms or even beds with each other since they were that close. We walked to a room with a glass door. You could see the frame of a sad squirrel hiding in the corner of the room on his bed through the glass and it was already making me sad to see him like that. Bf/n looked at me and gave me a thumbs up before she left me alone. I knocked on the door and stepped inside the room after waiting for a bit. Jisung didn’t even turn his head as he heard the door shut behind me.

“Hey. My name is y/n. I’m a friend of bf/n. I heard you had a pretty rough month.”, I started to talk hoping he might answer or at least say something in return but there was only silence.

The only noises were our breaths right now. I walked closer to the bed and dropped my bag on it. I pulled out the blanket that I had brought with me and cautiously wrapped it around the saddened boy. Jisung looked at what I had wrapped around him and then grabbed it and snuggled into it. It was cute to watch him get comfort from just having gotten a fluffy blanket. I sat down next to him and looked at him. He cautiously turned his head towards me. His eyes were swollen and red. He probably had still been crying some time ago. His dark brown hair was a bit disheveled and his tail was laying lazily behind him on the bed.

“Are you hungry? I brought you some rice cakes”, I said quietly since I didn’t want to startle him with my voice.

His eyes opened wide as he heard that I brought food. I pulled them out of my bag and gave them to him. He looked at them a big suspicious until he pulled one out of the package and began to munch on it. He looked a bit happier as he was eating. I watched him eat until he had finished about half the package. He looked at me and took another rice cake and handed it to me.

“Here”, he said in a quiet voice.

“Thank you, Jisung”, I answered and took the rice cake from his hand.

He looked satisfied as I started eating it. We just sat there in silence for some time. I put the left-over rice cakes onto the nightstand and turned towards him again.

“Do you like the blanket?” I asked and he nodded.

“I’m glad. I thought you might like it. It’s really fluffy isn’t it?”

He nodded again and then looked at my lap. I was confused for some time until I slowly understood.

“Do you wanna lay down on my lap?”

His cheeks slightly turned pink as he nodded and then looked at me again.

“Go ahead. Lay down”, I said and he did.

He laid his head on my lap and snuggled into the blanket. He looked cute completely wrapped into a fluffy blanket with only his head peeking out. I cautiously placed one hand on his shoulder and the other on his head. He flinched as I touched him.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again”, I apologized and retreated my hands.

“It’s ok. I was just surprised”, he whispered.

I placed my hands back where they had been just a moment ago and started to slowly pet his head and stroke his shoulder trying to comfort him. I watched him close his eyes and slowly drift into sleep. After some time my phone vibrated and I tried to get it out of my bag without waking Jisung. I grabbed it and looked at the display.

Bf/n: How’s it going? Is he ok?

I took a quick picture of the sleeping beauty on my lap and send it to her.

You: He is sleeping peacefully. He ate a few rice cakes I bought and then laid down.

Bf/n: That’s good. I’ll text you when it’s time for lunch. If you could get him to come eat with the others that would be great. But don’t force it if it’s not possible. I don’t want him to feel like he needs to attend. I want him to feel as good as possible. Even if that includes being isolated from the others for some time.

You: I’ll try my best. I keep you updated

I put my phone away again and watched Jisung. He looked really pretty sleeping. His eyes weren’t as swollen as before and he looked like a burrito wrapped in the blanket. I kept watching him some more until he began to move. He slowly opened his eyes and quickly sat up looking around panicking.

“It’s ok. It’s just me. No need to panic.”, I tried to calm him by placing my hand on his shoulder and slowly stroking it.

Jisung looked at me, sighed and closed his eyes before he fell into my arms and hugged me as if there was no tomorrow. I felt his body tremble as he clinged to me. I cautiously stroked his back trying to calm him down. I wanted to say something to make sure that he knew he was ok with me but I didn’t know what to say. The longer I kept stroking his back the more I noticed his heartbeat calm down. We probably hugged for about 10 minutes before I noticed his grip around me loosening and he moved so that he was sitting next to me with his head resting on my shoulder.

“Are you ok?”, I asked looking at the slightly exhausted squirrel next to me.

“I don’t know”, he mumbled and tightened the grip on his blanket.

“Do you wanna talk? About what’s wrong?”

He shrugged before he grabbed my hand and took it with both of his hands. I looked at him to see that he looked as sad as he did when I first walked in here. I didn’t want to see him like this. It hurt my heart to see a frown on his beautiful face. I squeezed his hand and placed my head on top of his, that was still resting on my shoulder.

“You don’t need to talk. We can just stay like this if you’re ok with that. Take your time. I’ll stay here as long as you want”

“Thank you.”, he mumbled quietly.

We sat there for some time in complete silence. My phone vibrated after some time and Jisung flinched at the sound of it. I grabbed it and looked at the display.

Bf/n: Lunch is ready. It would be nice if the both of you could join us

I looked at Jisung next to me who had read the message looking over my shoulder.

“Are you hungry?”, I asked looking at him.

He shook his head and then looked at me with big puppy eyes.

“Can I stay here, please?”, he asked back.

“Sure, you can. I’ll just quickly go grab a bite and then I’ll be back. You should rest some more”

I reached out to pet his head before I stood up and left the room. I walked to the common room to see that the other hybrids and some of the staff including bf/n were already sitting at the large table in the middle of the room eating. As she saw me she pat the empty chair next to her and smiled as I sat down.

“I knew that he would want to stay in his room”, she said as she handed me a plate filled with mashed potatoes, some vegetables and some meat that looked absolutely delicious.

“I can understand him. He seems to be so broken and I’m glad he didn’t start to cry or I would have cried with him. I was surprised that he was ok with me staying with him.”

“You’re someone who isn’t involved in this mess and maybe that’s the reason why he feels that he can trust you. That you won’t hurt him in the way others have hurt him the past month.”, she explained and continued to eat.

“I still don’t understand why people would just bring him back. Like he is such a sweetheart. How could you not instantly love him?”

Bf/n smiled at me and swallowed her food before she started to talk again.

“I don’t understand it either. Some said he was too clingy, others were complaining he was too loud or wouldn’t obey orders.”

I could vomit when I hear the words “obey orders”. Hybrids are not slaves that you can order around. They are like pets and humans. They need love and affection and give just as much as they receive. One of the staff members that had been watching us joined our conversation.

“They probably wanted an unusual hybrid and thought it was easy to take care of him but then realized that a squirrel hybrid is very lively and needs a lot of attention”, he said and bf/n nodded agreeing to what he just mentioned.

We continued to eat in silence before one of the bunnies started to talk.

“Hannie looked so sad this morning. I wanted to cheer him up but he pushed me away. You need to make Hannie smile again.”, he mumbled quietly.

“Hannie?”, I asked confused about this nickname.

“His full name is Han Jisung. We usually call him Jisung but the other hybrids started calling him Hannie some time ago”, bf/n explained.

I looked at the bunny hybrid again and I could see that he was concerned about Jisung. I walked over to him and softly pet his head as he looked at me.

“I’ll try my best”, I said and watched him smile at me.

Bf/n, the staff and the other hybrids watched us with a smile.

“I should go and see how he is doing. I’ll see you later”

I walked back into the corridor and opened the door to Jisungs room. I looked into the room to find him fast asleep laying on his bed. I cautiously closed the door behind me and walked over to the bed. He looked adorable sleeping with the blanket I brought covering him and only his head peaking out. I sat down on the edge of the mattress making sure I didn’t wake him. I had to take a quick picture to save this cute moment before I kept watching him for some time. He began to move a shortly after that and opened his eyes. Jisung rubbed his eyes still sleepy and looked at me.

“Hi”, he mumbled and closed his eyes again as I reached out to pet his head.

“Hey. How are you feeling? Better?”, I asked as I slowly started to stroke his head.

Jisung opened his eyes and looked up to the ceiling. He took a deep breath before he started to speak in a quiet voice.

“Do you think I’m annoying?”

I was confused about his question. Why would he suddenly ask that out of nowhere?

“No. Why should I think that?”

He turned his head towards the wall next to him and continued to speak.

“Am I really that bad? Why does nobody want to keep me? It’s all my fault”

The longer he talked the quieter his voice turned. I scooted closer to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. I felt his body tremble and just now I noticed the quiet sobs coming from the boy.

“Are you crying?”, I asked and leaned closer so I could see his face.

A single tear rolled down his cheeks until it hit the corner of his mouth and vanished.

“Hey. Come here”, I said in a quiet voice.

He turned his head towards me and looked at me with tear-filled eyes. It broke my heart right then and there. Seeing him this sad hurt me somewhere deep in my heart. He didn’t deserve all this pain. I cautiously laid down next to him and opened my arms. Before I could even ask him if he wanted to cuddle Jisung had already snuggled against me burying his face in my neck. I cautiously wrapped my arms around him and placed one of my hands on his head to slowly stroke it.

“It’s not your fault. Believe me. There are so many people out there, probably in the same situation as you are. Lonely and just searching for love and affection. Don’t give up. You’re wonderful. You’re cute, adorable, fluffy, very cuddly, pretty and with a beautiful personality. There is someone out there who will appreciate you exactly the way you are. Who will love all the flaws you see in yourself and who will give you the love and affection you seek.”

I tried to sooth his worries with my honest words. He was still crying against my neck but his body had stopped to tremble. I continued to softly pet his head just to show him that I was still there for him and that I would stay until he didn’t need me anymore. It took a few minutes of whispering sweet nothings and some more pets on the head for him to calm down again and stop crying. Jisung was still sniffling as he turned his head to face me but at least there were no more tears running over his cheeks. He stretched his neck so he could boop his nose with mine and then slightly smiled with closed eyes.

“Thank you”, he whispered before he snuggled his head back against my neck.

“You’re welcome, Hannie”

I felt his smile against my neck as he heard me call him by his nickname which made me smile too. We laid there for some time in comfortable silence until Jisung began to talk again.

“Will you come visit me from now on?”, he asked and looked at me with his big brown puppy eyes.

“Yes. As often as you want”

Next Part

#stray kids #han jisung #jisung stray kids #hannie #squirrel han #hybrid jisung #hybrid au #squirrel hybrid jisung #hybrid jisung x reader #han x reader #jisung x reader #j.one #3racha han #3racha

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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51. Knock Me Down

Hey,

so after almost two weeks there is finally a new chapter! I was very busy in the last week but now I’m on vacation so I had time to write (thanks to the bad weather).

I really hope you like the chapter. It’s long again but I didn’t want to part it.

Thanks for reading and also thanks for reading my words about Chester. I’m still very sad because of his loss.... :( _________

March

I was sitting on my bed, an almost empty pizza box next to me. While I was holding a glass of wine in my hands I was scrolling through Instagram stalking Laura and her friends. They were at the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert in LA today. It was the third show. All I knew about the shows – for example the fact that Josh played “Living Without You” again – I only knew because I watched all these Instagram stories Laura and her friends were posting. Although there was nothing that showed Josh it was a weird feeling to stalk your ex’s new girl who was studying at the university where I was working. Isn’t it weird? Oh it totally is!

I could’ve been there. But I didn’t want to. Although Josh didn’t really ask me I knew he wouldn’t say no if I would’ve asked him if I could get a ticket. I knew he would’ve given me a VIP Special Guest pass and would’ve welcomed me in the backstage area. He was like that. He was still the nicest guy I’ve ever met. But in the end it didn’t work out. It was almost four months ago that I ended our relationship.

Now I was sitting here in my small apartment watching a boring thriller – honestly “The Invitation” is one of the most boring films I’ve ever seen! – and I was scrolling through Social Media. I must’ve looked like the modern Bridget Jones. Honestly, if the story about Bridget Jones would’ve been written after 2010 we would’ve definitely seen her stalking Mr. Darcy on Facebook or Instagram. And she would post a lot of single selfies. A lot. Just like me. In the last weeks I had a lot of fun going out with friends or new co workers. I had a lot of drinks and a lot of pizza and burger and I just enjoyed my life as a single. But every time I came home from work or after going out I felt kind of lonely. I knew that it was the right decision to break up with Josh but it still hurt.

When I told one of my co workers about my ex – I just mentioned it in a side note but she knew who he was – she asked me if I was crazy. Quoting her: “Why did you break up with a rock star like him? He has so much money! You could live a great and wealthy life!”

Well yeah, maybe I could. What if I didn’t want to? This wealthy lifestyle wasn’t what I wanted. I preferred to be happy over having much money and not being happy. Plus, the lifestyle of a rock star doesn’t really match with my life style as a teacher at university. I tested it two years.

So, although it was weird to know that your ex is playing three sold out shows in your city while you’re sitting at your bed in your tiny little apartment accompanied by pizza and wine, I felt good.

The following days and weeks went by and I tried not to think about Laura and almost avoid it passing her by in the university buildings. But it wasn’t easy.

So one day I wanted to go to my car – yes I decided that I have to drive again. After using the bus for almost a year I was so sick of it. So I asked my brother to give me my car back. The first time I was driving again after the accident I wasn’t alone. My brother was with me and it was good to know that I wasn’t alone in the car. But the next day I had to do it on my own. I had to face my fear. So I did it and now – after two weeks – it already felt like it felt before the accident. I loved driving my car. I tried not to think about the fact that it was still a gift by Josh. So I was walking to my car when I saw Laura standing in front of the building, waiting for someone at the streets. Without asking her I knew for whom she was waiting for. I greeted her and then went over to my car. When I came back five minutes later – I realized I forgot something in my office – she was still there. She looked a bit stressed and obviously tried to call someone on the phone. Again, I knew who she called. “Is there something wrong?” I asked her when she looked at me with a worried face. “Yes, yes” she first said. “Well, actually no” she then told me. “Um….what’s wrong?” “I have an appointment for my new side job and my boyfriends….well okay this guy I’m seeing promised me to pick me up here and drive me. But he didn’t show up yet. And he’s late. I have to be in Downtown in 40 minutes and he doesn’t pick up his phone!” she told me. Oh well, I was looking at her. I already felt sorry for her. Because I knew who promised her to pick her up and now didn’t show up. And I knew that he wouldn’t show up in the next hour. Every time Josh promised me to pick me up and was late he didn’t show up at all. It didn’t happen often, only a few times and I knew he was very busy at that time but still…it was so bad!

“Okay….and what about taking the bus?” I asked Laura. “Well…it would take me an hour or so but I have to be there in 40 minutes. I told my boyfriend to pick me up at 1pm, so one and a half hours before my appointment starts” I noticed that it was very important for her and she was almost freaking out. “You don’t have a car?” “No….” she sighed. “I don’t know what to do now” “Well, maybe a friend can drive you?” “But they don’t live here in the near area….it would take too long” “Hm….” I responded. I had an idea but I didn’t know if I should tell her. But when I looked at her again and I saw this worried face I couldn’t just leave her alone.

So I finally asked her. “Should I drive you?” Laura looked at me with a surprised but pleased face. “Well…if you would do that?” “I would” I said. I didn’t have any other plans for this afternoon so why don’t driving the new girl of my ex to an important appointment? I must’ve been crazy.

Five minuets later Laura and I sat in my car while I was finding our way through the LA jungle on the streets to Downtown. We only talked about some swallow stuff and Laura told me about her new side job at a museum office. She only had to show up at the office today to organize some stuff for her job. It wouldn’t take long she told me so I told her to wait in my car and then drive back to Echo Park with her. I had some essays with me I could read while she was at her appointment. Well, I must’ve been very crazy, right? I wasn’t only driving the new girl of my ex to an appointment – because my ex forgot to do it – no, I even waited for her to take her back home. What a crazy story to tell.

Thirty minutes later Laura came back. “Wow, you really did wait?” she wondered. “I told you” she said. When she was back in the car she looked at me and started laughing. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. “You know, isn’t it a bit crazy that your teacher drives you to your job?” “Well…I’m not really your teacher. I’m also a student at the university. I’m a PhD student. I’m only working for Mr. B” all the students called my boss ‘Mr. B.’ “Okay…well then we’re both students?” “Yes” I answered. And you’re fucking my ex, I thought. The problem with Laura was that she was too nice. Surely sometimes she could be a bit annoying but most of the time she was a nice and smart girl with a lovely appearance. She was always well dressed and had perfectly make-up. I was still wondering how she did it. “So did your boyfriend call you back?” I asked her while driving back to Echo Park. “No….I don’t care, to be honest. He didn’t show up and it wasn’t the first time. I’m very mad at him right now” Wow, Josh must be careful tonight, I thought. Well, if they would only see each other tonight. “So. Who’s this guy hm?” I wanted to know and felt bad at the same time. I mean, I knew who he was but I couldn’t tell her. “He’s this guy I met at New Years Eve and….he’s very cute and handsome and I really thought it could be something serious. You know, I’m already 25, I’m not a teenage girl anymore. I’m sick of casual dating” Oh I felt her! “Maybe it all happened too quickly and then he was so busy and always out of town…” finally Laura started to talk to me about him. I was surprised. “Why was he out of town?” I asked her. “Because of his job” “What’s his job? Is he a truck driver?” Oh I felt so bad for lying to her! “No” Laura laughed. “But sometimes I wished he would be” “Why?” Laura looked at me but she didn’t respond. It took her some minutes until she finally gave me an answer. A long answer. I had the feeling she needed someone to talk to and I was the one who was there right now. “He’s a musician. Actually he’s not really unknown….at least his band isn’t” “So….um, do I know him?” “Maybe….he’s the guitarist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers” She said. I realized how I froze when she finally said these words although I already knew it. But I wanted to hear them. So I had to respond. “Oh I know this band” I faked a smile. “That’s what everyone said whom I told about it” “So you’re not kidding?” I asked her again just to be sure. “No….I’m not….he’s real. He’s the guy I met at New Years Eve at this concert” “Okay….” I said and looked at the streets. I had to concentrate again. Otherwise I would hit a car.

Laura kept talking. “So I told him about this appointment today and he was happy that I had a new side job and when I told him the time I had to be there he told me to pick me up from uni just to drive me to Downtown. I mean, he’s busy recording some songs in his tour break but he would take this time he said. He promised. But now he didn’t show up and it wasn’t the first time. Actually, it was the third time. I don’t know if I can trust him. I’m wondering what we are doing. Are we dating? Are we just hanging around, having fun? Are we just fuck buddies?” When she said the last two words I got goosebumps. But this negative goosbumps you only get when you’re shocked. And I was shocked. Although I liked Laura I didn’t want to know what she did with Josh. I knew he was single and I was the one who told him that we’re both free to have fun with other people now but imagining him with Laura just made me angry and I wanted to scream – which was more difficult when the girl who was the reason for your will to scream was sitting next to you in the car.

“I think he just wanna have fun” I finally said when she ended her monologue. “Really?” Laura asked me surprised. “I mean….he’s always so nice to me…we’re not only having sex….you know, we’re also having dinner, going to museums or the cinema, I stay for breakfast and I even was at his concerts and we left the venue together and drove to his house afterwards”

Oh I remembered these times when I did the same. When Josh had a concert in LA he preferred to drive to the venue with his own car – I mean, the band could also get a personal driver but mostly they didn’t want to – so afterwards we went to the parking lot and left the already empty arena with his car. Well okay, the car I destroyed. But still, I had the very same memory in the back of my mind when Laura told me this story. We always drove to Josh’s house, had a Cola-Rum and finally went to bed. Every fucking time he had a concert in LA. The same procedure as last time. The same procedure with every new girl.

“You know….he was always so great to me and I kind of starting liking him. Not because he’s in this band….because he is who he is. The real Josh” Okay when she said these words I couldn’t lie to her anymore. I stopped the car. Laura looked at me wondering why I did it. “What’s wrong? Do I bother you? Sorry, sometimes I talk too much….” ”No, it’s just….it’s” “What?” “I know him” I said. “Who?” Laura laughed. “Josh” “Oh yeah probably” she was still laughing. “No….I mean, I really do know him. As a person” “Are you friends with him?” “No” I said and looked at the streets while telling her the following words. “He’s my ex”.

Laura and I sat in my car totally in silent for the next ten minutes. No one said word. “No fucking way” she finally started talking again. “From all of the teachers at this university you must be the ex? The ex this guy is talking about so often?” “Well….he does?” “Yes, at least he did at the beginning of our dating or whatever it is for him” “What did he tell you?” “Only ‘Oh my ex did this, my ex did that’. He even told me that his ex also studied history and that he only started reading some history books because of her….you….” Wow, Josh really did this? He never told me. “I mean….how creepy is that? Maaaan, I really like this guy. Not only the sex, you know….although it would be a good reason to like him” “Um yeah, please, no more details” I let her know. “Okay, sorry….well, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’re his ex. And believe me, if I would’ve known it, I wouldn’t tell you all of this right before you told me….maaaaan, how crazy is that? From all of the teachers at the uni you are his ex….” ”Well, I could say the same. From all the college students in this city he chose one of my class” “Hm…I guess we can’t change it anymore” Laura sighed. “So how long were you two dating?” she asked instead. And I kept telling her a bit about Josh and me.

“Wow, honestly….this is so strange. One hour ago you were only a teacher at my uni and now you’re the ex of the guy I’m sleeping with?” I hated how she called it “The guy I’m sleeping with”. But it was probably the truth. I mean, she already told me that she asked herself how Josh saw their relationship. “You know….this is all too crazy! What about having a few drinks? I have to feeling I need to get drunk right now” Laura said laughing.

And so we did. After two more hours of talking about Josh and how weird this whole situation was we started talking about other things of our lives. Laura told me that she left her home in the Californian landscape to come to LA for studying history. She always wanted to do it. She lived for it. She wanted to do a PhD and become a professor. I raised my hat. She was very focused about her life and I could understand that she hated Josh for behaving like shit. She didn’t deserve it. I didn’t want to tell her but I knew that it wasn’t something serious for Josh. He just wanted to have fun, that’s all. And I can imagine that Laura wasn’t only very attractive but also very good in bed. I didn’t know why I thought it but I did. Sometimes I have this opinion about people although I didn’t really know them.

But Laura was so nice and cool and very likeable. I couldn’t hate her and I think she felt the same. She asked me some questions about Josh and my relationship and I told her little bit of our time in Berlin and when I broke up with him. She said she always had the feeling he wasn’t ready for a new relationship. He was still not over his ex.

When I got back home I couldn’t believe how boring this day begun but how crazy it ended. I had three cocktails with the girl Josh was sleeping with right now. And I liked her.

Two days later Molly and I were decorating in her house. I planned a little goodbye-party for my family and friends. I’ve never done this before although I’ve left LA two times before. But this time I thought it would be a good opportunity to share one of my last nights in LA with friends and family at the same time. I only invited my closest friends. Luckily Molly and Eric offered me their house to celebrate the party.

So I came here one day earlier to prepare everything. But Molly didn’t seem in a good mood. She was almost ignoring me and I had the feeling every little step I took was wrong. “How many people will come?” she asked me. “I don’t know….I think 20. Not so many.” “Well, it will be a bit too crowded on our balcony but I guess it will work anyhow” “Um….okay why are you talking like you’re hating me right now for throwing this party?” I asked her directly. When there is one thing I’ve learned in the last months then that you should talk about problems when they still exist and not when time passed by. “I’m not hating you” “But?” “No but….it’s just….I don’t get why you’re leaving LA again. I thought you’re happy here? LA is your home?” “It is….” “Then why are you leaving? I have the feeling you always fleeing from your problems here in LA” “What? Why do you think so? I’m not fleeing. I’m not leaving to get away from my problems….it’s a job opportunity” “It is? I thought your new job is here in LA” “Yes but I have this opportunity to do research in Berlin together with my boss….” “I just don’t get it.” Molly said in an angry voice. “And then you’re leaving Josh who is on his knees right now….he’s so weak. You’re leaving him here alone” “Molly, Josh and I broke up” “No, YOU broke up! He never wanted to leave you!” “What? Why do you defend him?” “Because he’s my friend. He always was. I met my husband because of him. He’s a very important person in my life. And I don’t want him to be hurt. But you did. You hurt him so much that he started drinking and messing around with young girls…he totally lost control and it’s only your fault!”

Wow. I’ve never heard such words out of Molly’s mouth. I never saw her so angry and I think she never was so mad at me before. I knew that she was always good friends with Josh, years before I met him, but that doesn’t mean she had the right to blame me for his heartache. We both did mistakes in our relationship. I was just the one who decided to end it.

“Josh is a grown up man….I think he will get over it” “He won’t” Molly let me knew. I looked at her. She faced me with her blue eyes. They never looked so cold. “What’s your problem?” “I don’t have any problem….I just don’t get why one of my best friends leaves for Berlin again. You already lived there for two years, you met the love of your life there and you both came back to LA….you were happy. So why are you leaving again? I guess you could’ve stayed here while your boss is working in Berlin” “No I can’t. He asked me to come with him to Berlin to work with him. Should I say no? I don’t think this would be a good start for a future relationship to my boss” “You’re leaving all your friends and family behind” “Molly, I’m not leaving forever. It’s just for six months. I’m coming back” “And what if not?” “Why?” “Because….I don’t know….because you’re meeting someone there.” “You mean a man?” “Maybe” “I don’t wanna meet a guy in the next months. All I wanna do is working, living and enjoying my life there. I’m happy to move in together with my best friend again. I missed our Berlin days and now we have six months to live together again” “I just don’t get it….you should stayed here but that’s just my opinion. You’re talking about living and enjoying your life. Eileen, you’re not 25 anymore. You should focus on what’s really important in your life” “Yes and that’s my job right now” “Wow, you really became such a business slut” “Molly” I sighed. “I will come back. But it’s my choice, right? And if I’m honest it feels good to start over again in a new city” “Yeah, that’s what I said. You’re starting all over again on another continent. Just like you did before when you broke up with Steve. You flew from all your responsibility here in LA. Now you’re doing the same. But you don’t think about your friends and family here. Plus, you don’t spend any thought of your ex who’s having one of the hardest times in his life” “What? Molly, you’re overreacting” “No I’m not!” she suddenly screamed at me. “Josh is fucking lost without you. But you don’t care. All you’re gonna do is leaving him behind. If he’s fucked up again then it’s your fault” I looked at her with a total shocked face. Why did she say all these words to me? “Molly” I said. “NO!” she stopped me. “Eileen, you’re doing a mistake here. You’ll see. If you’re finding yourself somewhere totally on your own in Berlin then maybe you’ll realize that you did a mistake here. You two could fight for your love, don’t you think?”

I thought about Molly’s words the whole night and they didn’t let me sleep. Was she right? Maybe Josh and I didn’t fight enough for our love? But I think we did. I did. And I couldn’t do that anymore.

It confused me a lot and I wondered if maybe my decision to move to Berlin for the next six months was wrong. Maybe it was a mistake? But it felt good. I felt good with knowing that I would catch my flight in two days.

The next day was the day of the party. I showed up in Molly’s and Eric’s house again. While my friend was kind of ignoring me, her husband tried to apologize for his wife’s words. “I know what she told you” Eric said when we were in their kitchen. Only my parents and my brother with his family were there yet. “She said I’m doing a mistake by leaving all of you here but….it’s not that I’m moving away forever. It’s just for six months. I don’t understand, why is she so angry and mad?” “She’s having a hard time right now…” Eric let me know. “Why?” “You know, we’re trying to get pregnant….oh well now I’m already sounding like her. ‘We’re’ trying to get pregnant…well it didn’t work yet as you might know” “Hm….she never really told me” “Well…we’re trying it for a year now but it didn’t happen yet” “I didn’t know that” “We didn’t tell you last year because we thought you’re still struggling with your loss…” ”Hm…okay” “Whatever….we try but she doesn’t get pregnant. We did some check ups. Everything’s fine….it’s just that….I think she’s so stressed out and is putting herself under so much pressure that it doesn’t work. I mean, let the nature do its thing, right?” I nodded. I didn’t know that Molly and Eric were trying to ‘get pregnant’ for a year now. She never told me. But now her stressed out mood made sense. “So….you can imagine how negative our feelings and moods were in the last months….every time she gets her ovulation she forces me to have sex….I mean, I think sex should be something special, beautiful, fun….whatever. But nothing you have to do on a regular basis every day at 8am, right?” “Not really” “So….you can imagine how less we communicate in the last weeks. She’s exhausted, I’m exhausted….so I guess your decision to leave didn’t make it any easier” “Well, maybe you’re right. I’m sorry it didn’t happen yet but I guess when you two are becoming parents you’re both will be great parents!” I let him know and left the kitchen to greet my family. I just hoped Molly wasn’t jealous of me because I got pregnant last year although I didn’t plan it.

Later that night some co workers and old childhood friends showed up and we talked a bit, had a few drinks and I said goodbye to everyone. My mother was already very sad that I was about to leave in two days. She always felt like this when her daughter was leaving. I guess she never knew how to handle this situation. I think she always hated my will to leave my home for a certain time. But I came back to LA every time. So I guess she could be relieved that I never really emigrated.

Just when I did some cool polaroids with my friends and family someone knocked on the door. Eric opened it and a few minutes later there was someone standing in the Gardner’s living room I’ve never ever expected to come. Josh.

“What is HE doing here?” my mother asked. Since our break up my mother didn’t hide her opinion towards Josh. “I just wanna say goodbye to Eileen” he said. I looked at him. I knew he wasn’t feeling comfortable while being in the spotlight of everyone at this party. So I told him to follow me. We went into the garden and finally found a place were we could have a talk without being disrupted by anyone.

“Wow….you really came” I said surprised. “I didn’t think you would do that” “I know” he sighed. “And I thought about it for a long time….for days to be honest” he told me. “I’m glad you came. I mean, I told you we can be friends….maybe not so soon but some day” “We definitely can” he said and I saw a smile on his face. Josh was standing there, his hands in his pockets and looked to the floor. “Are you okay?” I asked him after a few minutes of silence. “Yes….why are you asking?” “Because…..” I sighed. “Molly told me you’re not feeling good” “Well….I wasn’t. But it’s okay….I got over it. I changed some things in my life and I hope it will help me. Touring helps me, making music helps me….” ”And what about this girl you met?” “This college girl?” “Yes…” ”She broke up with me….well we were never really dating but….yeah, she ended things with me” “Oh, she did the right thing” I said. “Indeed…” ”She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this….” ”Hm….no she didn’t” “I’m glad you’re realize it now…” “I do….I know I did made some bad decisions in the past months after our break up but….I had to” “Well, you never have to” “But it was me….it was who I am….I just needed someone to spent my time with, to have fun with, who accompanies me….Josh Klinghoffer did all these mistakes but now he learned from doing it” “Good” “I stopped drinking” “Really?” “Yes….for two weeks now….I hope I can stay sober. I don’t wanna drink anymore. I mean, I wasn’t addicted I guess…but it got heavier and I got wasted….so I decided to stop it. I decided to stop doing all these things that weren’t good for me” “Great….sounds like you’re feeling better with every new day” “I try to” he said. “In the last days I recorded some stuff with the Erics”

‘The Erics’ or also known as Eric Gardner and Eric Avery. Josh did some new musical stuff with them. They already planned it last year but didn’t have time to record it but now they obviously did. I hoped it helped him to find his place back in his life.

“So….are you excited to go to Berlin again?” Josh wanted to now. I nodded. “I am…but also a bit worried” “Why?” “Because it’s so far away again. I won’t see my family for such a long time and….well it sounds great but I know I will miss each one of you” “I know….it’s not easy being away from home for so long….I know this feeling” Josh said. “But you’ll have a great time. You’ll do your best for your job. You’re boss will be glad to chose you as his assistant so….everything’s fine” he smiled. I smiled back. I think it was the first time in months that we both shared a smile. “I will miss you” he suddenly said. I didn’t say a word because I didn’t know how to respond. So I just smiled. “But I know you’ll having a great time over there….last time you moved to Berlin you met this skinny guy” “Oh yeah, I remember” I laughed. “I think I’ve never felt happier about a decision I made in my life than moving to Berlin” Josh said. Honestly, while he was saying these words all my memories about our first dates in Berlin and the start of our relationship came to my mind and it almost made me cry. But I didn’t want to show him.

I had the feeling Josh felt my emotions. So he just hugged me. We hugged for a while before he was leaving the garden, got into his car and drove away.

I knew it would be hard to leave LA. Although it wasn’t the first time I decided to leave I’ve never was so emotional before leaving. Even a few years ago before I took my flight to Berlin after my break up with Steve I wasn’t feeling this way. I guess at that time I already was numb. I didn’t feel anything. But right now there were so many emotions inside of me that I couldn’t control them.

My last morning in LA was strange. I had a coffee in my apartment, packed my bag and then my brother picked me up to drive me to the airport. Everything felt like I would do this every day. But I didn’t. I was so nervous and anxious because I always asked myself if it really was the right decision. I didn’t think that my boss would’ve fired me when I wouldn’t have chosen to move to Berlin for six months. He even told me that he can totally understand when I decide not to move to Berlin. It wouldn’t have meant the end of my new job. He would’ve done his research on his own in Berlin. But somehow I never really asked myself if I really wanna go to Berlin. A ‘No’ was out of the question. I did choose Berlin and now I had to follow through on with it.

May

I already settled in here in Berlin. I just love this city. It was very strange to come back because the last time I was here, Josh and I were still together. But I tried not to think about it.

Lara welcomed me with her arms open wide and I moved back into her flat. After fours years we were united again. And I liked living with her. We shared so many interests and thoughts and spent so much time together. Sometimes we just sat on our balcony with a beer in our hands, sometimes we cooked together, sometimes one of us brought some Thai food back home and sometimes everyone wanted to be on her one.

My new job here was exciting too. I was teaching a seminar once a week at university. That’s just how doing your PhD works here in Germany. In the USA you don’t have to teach, you just have to do research for yourself. My boss was very down to earth and he let me do my job. But because here in Germany you have a very long break from July to October when the semester is over I was looking for another job during summer. And I found one. I will work for an online magazine and reporting about festivals in Germany. I was excited. But right now it was the middle of the semester and I was already stressed out. But every time I came home Lara was there and so I always had someone to talk to – except of these days when she was on a date with Felix. They were both so cute together and I’m still so happy that kind of brought them back together.

I skyped with my family – especially with my brother – very often but I didn’t hear anything from Molly in the past two months. I guess she was still pissed at me for leaving LA again. But I think she didn’t understand my decision. I wasn’t fleeing, I was just taking a great job opportunity. That’s all!

Even Josh and I shared some text messages. He sometimes sent me some photos from the city he was touring right now. And I sent him pictures from places in Berlin he might know. But in the last two weeks we didn’t text much. I had the feeling that I had to distract me from him. I was over it, yes. But it still wasn’t easy to forget him and us. I mean, I didn’t want to forget him but still….

One day I received a message from him that shocked me.

“Chris Cornell died.

Man, I just can’t believe it. Flea just told me. I think some part of my youth just died. I’m thinking about doing a tribute to him tonight but…I don’t know if the people will like it.

J”

“Really sad news….but J, do it! I bet your tribute will be great. People will love it!”

So he did. He even send me a video Sammy did of him singing “Seasons”. It was so emotional, I almost cried while sitting in my bedroom, watching this video in the dark. He also told me that he wished I could’ve seen it live.

Josh always offered me to come to one of their shows in Europe in summer but….I guess it was too early. I didn’t want to. Not to mention that I would have to travel to Krakow or Paris or wherever they would play in summer. It was really kind of him but I didn’t want it. It was still not easy just being friends with him and sending him friendly text messages.

But my life here in Berlin let me distract from all these problems. Lara and I spent some nights partying in clubs, having some beer at a “Späti” or having some cocktails at a rooftop bar. We both enjoyed life and didn’t think about our age. Yes, we were already 31 and 32 but who cares? Here in Berlin no one does! You can still going out having the best night of your life while partying until 7am and afterwards having delicious breakfast in a café. That’s just how it works here in Berlin. No one really cares about your age….at least not so much. No one asks you why you aren’t married or having children yet. At least no one asked me. Maybe because I’m not a native? Maybe people who were born and raised here and whose families live here as well are tired of this question. But I didn’t care. Sure, I thought about the exact time last year when Josh and I were going through hell after my accident. But I guess I already came to terms with it. I accepted that I lost the baby. It’s just life.

While being back in Berlin I sometimes felt like the woman from “Eat, Pray, Love”. Although I already knew the city and I spoke the language I sometimes felt like a stranger. Sometimes I just acted like an American who doesn’t understand any German. That’s so funny if you totally pretend to be a tourist. So I sometimes found myself thinking about travelling. Seeing the world. I wanted to see the world! Yes, I already joined Josh on his tour for a while but it wasn’t the same. I only joined him in Europe but I wanted to see more! I wanted to travel to Asia some day, maybe to Australia and South America. But when would I have time for it? That was the huge problem here.

One night Lara and I were sitting at the Maybach riverside, a bottle of wine with us. “So are you enjoying your life back in Berlin?” she asked me. “Oh yes!” I grinned. “It’s so great. I love my job, I love this city. I guess it was the best decision I could make these days” “Great….I already saw it in your face. The pure joy!” “I’m just having a really good time here” “Without thinking about J and your home?” “I don’t really think much about him….I mean, it’s over. This time I decided it so I’m doing great with my decision. I think if he would’ve ended our relationship again I would’ve been heartbroken and totally down on my knees again. But I’m not! I’m looking forward” “Oh yeah, I saw it” she giggled. “What?” “This guy last week….you hooked up with him, right? I heard it” “Oh noooo, really?” I reacted embarrassed. Lara and I were having a few drinks in a bar and we met two guys there. I took one of them home with me. I’ve never done this before – taking a guy home with me. Only a few years ago in New Orleans. It was the worst night of my life. But this time I had fun and the guy left the next morning. Everything was okay. “So….you’re enjoying your life right now. That’s great!” Lara grinned. “Sorry…I didn’t want to bother you. Did you really hear it?” “Not really. I just heard it because I woke up and was thirsty. That’s why” “Oh okay….well yes I’m having fun and it’s okay. For the first time in my life I’m feeling totally okay with myself. When I think about last year….wow, what a huge step forward” “And do you think J does the same? I mean….a huge step forward?” “I hope so! All I know is that he’s single, he’s staying away from girls, he’s staying away from alcohol and just trying to have a good time on tour. I know it’s not easy for him. He had some struggles back in the days when he was touring with Gnarls Barkley and I guess now they came back but….he sounded quiet happy and okay with himself” “I hope he is” “Probably….I mean, I don’t wanna be the reason why he is hurt again or why he starts drinking again….” ”And making out with young girls” Lara added laughing. “Well yeah, that’s his problem” “I can’t understand why guys behave like this. I mean, he is in this luxury position that every girl who is backstage wanna bang him….I mean, not everyone wanna bang Anthony….maybe some of the girls wanna have a younger man….” “Although even Josh is still at least 15 years older” I laughed. “Yeah but older guys know how to do it” Lara grinned. “So….you know what you’re talking about?” I raised an eyebrow. “Kind of” she giggled. “Did you hook up with an older guy?” “Yeah….after my break up last year I had this affair with a 49 year old guy. He was a lawyer from Munich and he often came to Berlin for work. I met him in a bar and he was totally on his own….so we started talking and he was such a gentleman. He definitely knew how to impress a woman….it was quiet good. He was so passionate and he really knew what he had to do….which buttons he had to push. So I can imagine these girls like a guy like Josh who isn’t too old yet but definitely old enough to be “an older guy” for them” “Oh well….yeah thank you….I don’t wanna have these pictures in my head” I told her. “Sorry….” Lara said. “Hey um, what about going to a festival next months?” she changed the topic. “Okay, for sure….when? Where?” “There is a small festival near Berlin where Felix and his band are playing….I’m definitely there….so, are you gonna join me?” “Sure, why not!”

Felix and his band were kind of getting famous in Germany. They just released their first album and played a lot of festivals in the summer. So I was excited to go there and having a good time. Plus, I could write an article for the online magazine I’m working for.

________________

June

Two month passed since Eileen moved away to Berlin. It was still a strange feeling for me to know that the woman I still loved was so far away from me. Although we weren’t in a relationship anymore it hurt so much to know that she decided to leave not only me but also her home town. I knew she only did it for her career and I was very proud of her that she took this opportunity but still….I missed her a lot.

Touring kind of helped me to forget about it and distracted me from thinking about her all the time. But to be honest, I still thought about her all the time.

There was this college girl, Laura, who I met on New Years Eve. She was so cute and pretty hot and yes I fell for her that night because I felt so alone. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. All my friends were there to celebrate New Years Eve with their loved ones but I was totally there with only myself. I was my own date. Sometimes it can be great but this night….no. I felt totally alone so when I met this girl and she gave me a smile it cheered me up – at least for a few seconds. When I saw my friends just talking and giggling with their significant others I decided to go over to her. I watched her for a few minutes and I knew she was there with a friend but this friend left her alone for a while. So I went over to her and said “Hi”. I only said this word. She smiled again. I didn’t know if she knew who I was and if maybe she only pretended that she didn’t recognize me but….I didn’t care. She was nice, she was cute and very hot. So after having a few drinks we went over to my place and had a pyjama party for adults as I like to call it.

I was already awake when she woke up. I couldn’t sleep. I wished Eileen would lay next to me in my bed like she used to. But she didn’t. Instead it was this brown haired college girl. When she woke up she noticed my huge house. She took a look around and saw all my guitars and all this stuff. When she asked me if I played the guitar and if I was doing it for a living I knew that she really had no clue who I was. And I liked it. It felt good to date a girl who didn’t only date me because I was the guitarist of this famous band.

So Laura and I started dating or whatever it was. She spent a lot of time at my place, we watched movies, cooked or had dinner at a restaurant. We did all these things a couple does but we barely talked. I only knew that she was studying history just like Eileen did. And I liked it. But no one ever explained history facts to me like Eileen did. No one.

Laura was a really smart girl and I was glad that she wasn’t that young anymore. I had the feeling she knew what she wanted in life and I liked that but….that’s all. I liked that she always knew what she wanted because I didn’t know what I wanted at that time. So at least one of us knew. Every time she started kissing me and we went further she was the one who decided what to do next. I liked that.

So I liked this girl but I wasn’t in love with her. When I didn’t see her, I didn’t miss her at all. She was just there to have fun, for not being alone all the time. When I was on tour I barely thought of her. Sometimes she called me but I didn’t want to talk to her on the phone. I only wanted to talk to Eileen but that didn’t happen. When we played the three sold out concerts in Madison Square Garden I invited Laura to New York. I liked the idea of having someone around me when we would stay in the big apple. So Laura flew to New York City and she slept in my hotel room. We walked through Manhattan, sometimes had dinner or watched some squirrels in the park. She always told me some funny jokes….she’s a very funny and humorous person!

When I went back to LA I almost forgot that she was there too. She came to our LA shows but I didn’t care. I only wished that Eileen would send me a message to ask me if she can come to one of our shows. Surely she could come. There wasn’t any other person I’d love to see at our shows every day. She didn’t come but I still decided to play “Living Without You” again. I knew somehow she would find out.

I knew that I didn’t treat Laura well. I promised her to pick her up from uni just to drive her to an important appointment she had Downtown. But I forgot it because I was lost in the music. Making music with the Erics was good for me. It felt like coming home again.

When Laura ended our “thing” one day later I didn’t care. I agreed with her and I accepted it. She was right when she told me that she doesn’t deserve someone who treats her so badly like I did. She was damn right.

So I went to Eileen’s Goodbye-Party. I was so scared she would scream at me and maybe kick me out – I didn’t know why I imagined she would do that. But I’m glad that she didn’t. I liked our talk and I think I even saw some tears in her eyes when we hugged goodbye.

That was almost two months ago.

Now I was in Hamilton waiting for our concert to begin. I looked at my guitar and changed some tunes. Sometimes they are out of tune so fast. We were about to hit the stage for our last concert here in Canada on this tour leg. I was excited to play because some Canadian friends of mine would be here for the show and I was happy to see them again after a long time.

When I left the stage I saw Anthony leaving with his son to the backstage area. I followed him and went to my backstage room. After showering and changing my clothes I went to the family & friends area and greeted my friends. They wanted to have some drinks but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to drink alcohol these days. I was already sober for two months. I wasn’t really addicted but I noticed that drinking alcohol not only helped me during my dark days, it also changed my personality. I became angry, pissed off and was in a bad mood very quickly. When Eileen told me to stop drinking I stopped drinking. She was the one who had to tell me to stop it. Otherwise I wouldn’t have stopped it. I think I was just at a stone’s throw of getting really sick and addicted. I knew it wouldn’t be good for the band and the tour and I knew that my band mates would notice it some day so I decided to stop it and I was glad that I was strong enough to do it. Even when Chad offered me a beer the other day I declined it with thanks.

But now we were at this party in this bar in Hamilton. My friends asked me to join them so I did. I liked the bar but I didn’t like being in the center of attention. Surely people recognized me. Some asked me if I would take a photo with them. I didn’t want to but I wanted to be polite so I did take a picture with all of them together. Then my friends and I proceeded to the bar. First I ordered some non alcoholic beer and later a coke.

“Wow, I didn’t know that Eileen is in Berlin right now” Joe, a friend of mine, said to me. He only met her once and I didn’t really tell him about her life so I was wondering why he knew about her move to Berlin. “I see pictures on her Instagram” he told me. I wanted to see it. I knew she had an Instagram account but I didn’t look at it since she broke up. I wasn’t really a social media stalker like her. She was one of the best social media stalkers out there I knew and I was totally sure the FBI could hire her. “Isn’t her account private?” I asked my friend but he shook his head. “Not anymore. I just found out by accident” he said. “She seems to have fun” “Show me” I told him and Joe turned his phone.

I saw all these pictures Eileen posted in the last weeks. She was definitely having fun and seemed to live a good life in Berlin. On one picture she was enjoying a night at the Spree together with Lara. On another picture she was dancing at a concert. Another picture showed he in the summer rain. Another showed a group of people. I only knew Lara and Felix so I wondered who the other guys were? Maybe some of Lara’s friends? I hated that I wanted to know so badly who the guys in this picture were….did Eileen know them? Maybe she even hook up with one of them….

Thinking about this bullshit made me mad. I looked at my friend and wanted to give him his phone back but then I saw that Eileen also posted a story. I didn’t know much about this technical features of Instagram. I only knew how to post a picture and how to do some hashtags. But….what’s a story? Eric once told me and my sister also liked to post Instagram Stories. So I clicked on Eileen’s profile picture and me and my friend watched it together.

She was obviously at a party. Or was it a festival? Yes it was a festival because she posted some pics of a stage. She also posted a short video of a concert….it took me some time until I realized that it must’ve been Felix’ band who played there. So she was at a concert of Felix’ band? Okay….it’s okay because Felix was Lara’s boyfriend now. No danger….oh well Klinghoffer, you’re an idiot. Why do you think this way? On the next photos she showed her followers the location where the festival took place. It looked beautiful. It was obviously at a lake and people were even swimming in the lake although the sun wasn’t shining anymore. “Wait….the Editors play there?” Joe asked when Eileen posted a picture of the Line-up of the festival. The Editors were the headliners. “Looks like a great festival, man. Such a beautiful place for a festival….” My friend said. I nodded but proceed to watch Eileen’s story. When did she become such a social media addict? But I had to be honest….I was glad that she posted so much because now I could see how she was doing. Although it was hurting me to see that she obviously had fun while I was still frustrated – although I should have fun too. The next photos were posted later that night…..suddenly she was at a party. She must’ve like the music. It was totally her style. 90s and 2000s Indie rock, pop and even punk and metal but also some party music. A good mix to dance, she would say. I knew her. She definitely had fun. Then she posted a selfie of her and Lara with drinks in their hands. In the background I could notice Felix. Two hours later she posted a pic that showed the lake. It looked so beautiful. I wish I would’ve been there as well. With her. But suddenly there was a picture and even a short video that shocked me for a while. It showed her and a guy together. They laughed into the camera and clinked their glasses. Later she was filming him while they were walking around the camping site. Okay, who was this guy?

“Wow, your ex seems to have fun and so should you boy!” my friend told me. I nodded but didn’t respond anything. “J, are you okay?” “No….I’m not okay. I just watched how my ex is probably having fun with another guy….how should I be okay?” “Well, come on. She was at a festival. Surely she had fun and surely she meets guys there” “But she was backstage….didn’t you see the signs? There was written “Backstage” and “Friends” on the walls. So she was definitely backstage….you don’t just get backstage easily” “Well…I did” my friend laughed. “Yeah because you’re friends with me” “You told me she’s friends with this guy Felix….and he played there with his band. So maybe he invited her and his girlfriend backstage?” “Yeah, maybe….” I said. “But who was this other guy in her stories?” “J….seriously, stop thinking about it. She left you and now lives far, far away from you on another continent. You should have fun here, you’re a big fucking rockstar. You can meet all these skinny girls Mushegain brings backstage all the time….so you’re living in paradise!” “No…I’m not living paradise” I told him. I almost felt like living in hell right now. I wanted to know who this guy was Eileen was having fun with at the festival. Maybe he was only a friend but maybe he was more?

“Come, let’s have some good old whiskey!” Joe said. “Okay” I said. I knew I shouldn’t say yes but I felt so numb, I needed a drink right now.

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