#sometimes these visits are a lot and I'm really trying to prioritize myself this time around | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

callioope · 11 months

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fencing update. this post is a bit rambling.

Something that is very different about the new place I fence, compared to the original place I fenced 15+ years ago: people feel incredibly comfortable giving unsolicited advice.

While I perceive this is coming from a good place and they are trying to be helpful, it's a bit disconcerting to me. Fencing already involves so much complex coordination, and there's so much to think about while doing it, and now every week it seems, someone is telling me that I need to work on XYZ. It's very overwhelming.

Like I sometimes feel a bit self-conscious about just how often I say "well it's been fifteen years" (like shut up Liz you've said this already), but then I say it because I sometimes feel like people expect me to know or remember certain things and I basically get defensive like, cut me some slack please!

I said this once when someone was offering advice, and they were like, "Well but you fenced before, right?"

And it's like: listen. I fenced consistently for about five years. Then I went to college and came back only every couple of months, and had a brief semester of participating in the fencing club someone was trying to start on campus (not a great experience). It's probably been at least 15 years since that last 'visiting for the holidays' fencing session. It's probably been 17 years since I was taking regular lessons. That means that at best, the amount of time I haven't been fencing is double the amount of time I was fencing. It could by some calculations be triple it, depending on what you count as my official last day.

That is a long time! Like I fenced a person today who was probably born after the last time I fenced (before I started back up again this year).

I just don't feel like people appreciate just how rusty I really am. Sure, I've been back for four or five months now, but that does not make up a 15-17 year gap.

All this to say, trying to remember information I haven't used for 15 years is overwhelming enough. Things like how to time attacks properly, etc. Then there's the fact that I'm not in the same shape as I used to be -- in my peak I was fencing 3x per week -- and my body is also just older. I don't have the reaction time I used to. Recovering from lunge position back to en garde probably takes longer.

Then pile on top of this, getting different advice from multiple people about what I should work on -- it's just A Lot. It's a lot to keep track of!

And I'm supposed to be doing this for fun. I'm mainly trying to work on accepting losing and remembering that getting a work out by brandishing a sword is freaking fun. It is! But it's more challenging to do that when people are commenting on my technique.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I don't remember this happening at my old fencing school. Perhaps the difference is that we were all younger, and the couch was a more obvious and distinct authority -- we left it to the coach mainly to, well, coach! Now there were some people who gave unsolicited advice, but as I recall they were the, ah, rather more arrogant types and they were not nice about it. Now, it's a class primarily of adults, more than half of which are 40+.

Oh, and the other part is that: in a model where the coach is primarily the person instructing a student on what to work on, they can approach their growth and learning in a more structured way. Work on this technique first for foundation, then go to this, then this, etc. But if every person is offering their own advice -- well, how do I filter that? How do I prioritize?

The answer I've come to is that I'm going to try to start keeping a journal. Here are highlights of what felt good today. Here was what I decided to work on myself, and how successful that was. Here is what the coach's lesson's focused on, and how successful that was. Here is what random person suggested. And then just collate that and make a list of what's important to me.

But finally, I don't have any intentions right now of competing in official tournaments. So, maybe I also need to work on just letting things roll off my back. Thanks for the advice, file it away, and just don't think about it. That's hard for me, but maybe something worth attempting.

#the latest with liz #liz rants #liz fences

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crowleaf · 4 months

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Also my mother finally acknowledged that my aunt (her sister-in-law) is probably emotionally abusing my uncle.

(tw cw: emotional abuse, spousal abuse, toxic relationship, controlling behavior)

I've been saying this for at least ten years. I've taken note of how he's gradually changed from being this weird nerd, who I always looked forward to seeing on holidays to talk about whatever new shows or movies he'd pirated and to exchange recommendations and to show him whatever recent Zelda game had come out (because the graphics of each new game since Ocarina would blow his mind), to being withdrawn and indifferent to things.

He wasn't watching anything new because his wife said he spent too much time in the basement (where the computer is, where he would pirate things). He lost all his friends (and only had her friends to socialize with) that he used to hang out with, who were all into classic cars, after she said he spent too much time going to car shows with them, and made him sell his Firebird (or Thunderbird. Can't remember which he had because I hadn't seen it since I was like, 12). He wasn't even 'allowed' to show an interest in video games because he was in his late 50-early 60's (at the time) and his wife thought it was childish and a waste of time.

Now he doesn't come to family gatherings anymore, because his wife prioritizes her family, always, and we've caught them (her) lying to get out of plans made with our family so that they could go to hers on holidays. Like, why lie? Just say you have other plans. (I should also note that his wife has no kids, not with him or anyone else; the family they visit are random extended relatives of hers)

The other day is what really got my mom to understand what I've been trying to say for years.

She called him, and he was in the Walmart parking lot in the car alone, and before my mom could even say much, he hurriedly said "(wife) just got out of the store, I gotta go." I didn't hear this call obviously but my mom said it was really weird, like he was anxious.

And before that, on a different call (that had been on speaker phone on his end...it always is, his wife always has to hear and be involved in the conversation) my mom asked if he was retiring because he'd just quit his job.

He said he wanted to, and his wife, from somewhere in the background, screams "He is NOT RETIRING!" to which my uncle replies "We'll talk about it later." During the short Walmart call, he told my mom he is not going back to work. He's 65, and he's had back problems since I was a kid. If he has the means to retire, then he should absolutely do so. So why the fuck is his wife so anti-retirement?

Because it means he'll have alone time, without her. Because she still works, and the job he just quit? They worked in the same school together. Where she could presumably 'keep an eye on him'. Why does she want to keep an eye on him? Fuck if I know! He's never cheated. He's never done anything to deserve her suspicious behavior.

It's fucked. I really wish he could get help. My other uncle has already given up on him because he doesn't understand that his brother is being abused, because they're all boomers (young boomers, but still) and their generation cannot fathom that a woman can abuse a man (my mom gets it, she just didn't realize it was happening to her own brother until all of this).

So I really hope when he retires and gets some fucking alone time while his wife is at work and not constantly listening in on his phone calls, that maybe my mom can call and ask if he like, needs help. Wants help. Wants out. But the men in my family, (myself included, I'm a man sometimes), are prideful idiots who have a hard time reaching out for or accepting help. So I don't know if he would even accept help if offered, or if he would just try to grit his teeth and suffer through this shit marriage until one of them dies.

It just kills me knowing the last 20 years or so of his life have been spent living under such controlling, abusive conditions. It breaks my heart to see how much he's changed. I miss my uncle, and I'm worried for him. I would help if I could, but I don't have the means to do anything.

It's getting worse though. It's the little things that make it obvious. For example, every year, even if they didn't come to holiday gatherings, I would get a Christmas card in the mail from him (signed by them both) full of scratch-offs. I actually won like $40 from them last year. I didn't get a card this year.

#family drama #abuse tw #i usually dont post this kind of thing here but i just needed to vent about it

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earlgreymaple · 4 months

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Post to end the year:

Top memories for 2023:

Having a baby! We had to try for half a year before we finally managed to do it. Was a bit of trial and error since we didn't test if I was ovulating and we just relied on the app for when we should try every month. It was a pretty long wait I feel cos you only get to try in that one week every month, then you got to wait another few weeks to see if you're successful or not. And going through 6 cycles of that wasn't exactly fun. It was a lot of waiting, anticipating, getting disappointed but not letting it get to you much, and trying again. But we're really glad we managed to (:

Scotland trip! We went to the Storr twice and on the second time we were the last to come down at 10+pm! But got to see it clearly at least I would say it's worth it. We also got to see puffins! And we stayed in a camper van for the first time too! And we took our first business class flight together for the London to SG leg (: (hehe I took once before on our SG to Amsterdam leg courtesy of ex company but TH was in economy heh)

Bali trip. Got so badly sunburnt it was probably the worst in my life. Also went snorkeling while pregnant and ended up with very painful boobs cos of the cold water and possibly the tightness of the life jacket too. Was our first time going to Bali!

What are we most proud of this year?

That we didn't quarrel because of/during our holidays this year. Lol. I can get a bit miffed sometimes because of lack of planning/initiative esp if we miss out on a good deal and end up having to pay lots more (e.g. when booking accoms) and it was actually preventable (meaning we have searched but not acted in time, rather than searching and acting late and therefore not having had that choice tangibly). Or when there's something I really wanna do but there's little/no support on that (I guess when it requires a collaborative effort I.e. I can't execute it by myself) 😂

Th is proud that he stumbled upon Dr Adrian which makes our gynae visits super convenient and efficient.

What is one thing you did this year that you want to do again next year?

Th says have a baby. I'm shocked. If we want a two year age gap, then we need to conceive by end Nov/Dec 2025. So no need to do next year la huh. HAHAHHAHAHAHAH.

Go on a chill and relatively cheap holiday. Lol. Just to rest. Somewhere with a nice beach. We have never really taken chill holidays before till this year where there is almost no activity planning.

How do you think you have grown this year?

To let go. Lol. And prioritise rest. And asking TH to do the same.

On a more jokish side, I've grown about 7-8kg since the start of pregnancy which is not a lot so slightly concerned but baby's estimated weight seems ok.

TH says managing his work better in terms of taking the lead on things and prioritizing things.

What is one place you want to go next year?

I have many places I wanna go but next year seems hard. E.g. Spain, Portugal, Iceland, Canada, South America, South Africa at some point. Baby friendly places would be more Korea, Japan, Australia, all of which I haven't been but maybe when bb is bigger? Not sure.

Visit my friends at Ola and Affinity LOL.

Th says he wants to bring his parents to China to see snow.

What are your hopes for next year?

To be able to manage parenthood relatively smoothly and be a good parent to baby!

TH says to spend a lot of time with baby

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bluejayblueskies · 3 years

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Please say more abt how Martin fits the closed off trait I'm begging 👁👁

Okay, so I got a bit carried away with this and it got quite lengthy....

I've put a TLDR above the cut and the details, transcripts, and general discussion below the cut!

TLDR: Martin is at his core a closed-off character who keeps his vulnerable feelings hidden and close to his chest. He instead focuses on caring for others and considering their feelings above his own, particularly in the case of Jon, who he cares for (sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice) throughout the podcast. His arc with the Lonely in season four and his interactions with Jon in season five demonstrate this lack of emotional vulnerability, and it's really only during the moments he spends by himself that we get significant insight into Martin's emotional state and inner thoughts.

Martin, to me, is a character who is very used to hiding how he feels. He tends to care for others at the expense of himself, has low self-esteem, and has a predilection towards the Lonely, all of which go hand-in-hand with somebody who is very used to hiding their emotions--particularly the negative ones--because they either think they're not important or that they're inconvenient and inappropriate for the situation. On a textual level, that's probably due to growing up with a sick (and likely unsupportive) mother who he had to take care of, where there was 'no time' for his emotions to get in the way or for him to prioritize himself in any way, shape, or form.

Martin is self-destructive, dislikes moments of emotional vulnerability, and (I would argue) genuinely struggles when he doesn't have somebody else to prioritize over himself. (His mother at first, but as the series goes on, Jon settles comfortably into this role for him.) Additionally, the biggest way that we, the audience, know anything about Martin's emotional state is when he's alone and self-reflecting (such as in MAG 170 and 186 or when talking to the tapes) or when he's forced to talk about something vulnerable (such as when Jon confronted him about his CV).

We don't get much insight into Martin's character between seasons one and three (at least not as much as we get in four and five), but I find myself drawn to this bit in MAG 118, when Martin is talking to Elias:

MARTIN

So what? I don’t get to be angry? I don’t get to burn things? Just, just run around, making tea, while everyone else gets to actually have feelings?

I think two things are important to note here. The first is that Elias is surprised (or least intrigued) that Martin is acting in this way--specifically, acting on his emotions in such a dramatic way. (And given that Martin is doing this as a distraction, rather than actually acting out because of his own emotions, maybe he's right to be surprised.) The second is that this line very much implies that Martin doesn't talk about how he's feeling, not like 'everyone else' does. He doesn't talk about it, doesn't act on it--just 'runs around, making tea.' And when Melanie comes back in after Elias is done, Martin immediately focuses on the plan and whether it succeeded, ignoring Melanie when she asks if he's okay or not. He closes himself off, and as far as we know, doesn't talk about it at all after that.

And then Jon goes into his coma, and we reach season four.

Martin is incredibly closed-off during season four. He's self-isolating, self-sacrificial, and approaching a state of genuine emotional numbness by the time he's cast into the Lonely. There's a lot to unpack there, but I'm going to focus on a few main things, many of which can be drawn from this bit in MAG 158:

MARTIN

It’s not him! It’s not anybody. It’s just me. Always has been. I…

When I first came to you, I thought I had lost everything. Jon was dead, my mother was dead, the job I had put everything into trapped me into spreading evil and I… I really didn’t care what happened to me. I told myself I was trying to protect the others, but… honestly we didn’t even like each other. Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed.

And then… Jon came back, and… and suddenly I had a reason I had to keep your attention on me. Make you feel in control so you didn’t take it out on him. And if that meant drifting further away, so what? I’d already grieved for him. And if it meant now saving him, it was worth it.

When you started talking about the Extinction, though… you had me actually, then, for a while. But then – (laughs sardonically) then, you tried to make me the hero. Tried to sell me on the idea that I was the only one who could stop it. And that I’ve never sat right with me. I mean, I mean, look – look at me, I’m not exactly a – a chosen one. But by then I was in too deep. So I played along. Waited to see what your end game was, and here we are.

Funny. Looks like I was right the first time. It’s probably still a good way to get killed?

This monologue is a big insight into Martin's thought process during this season, and I'm mostly going to focus on two parts: the self-sacrifice and the prioritization of Jon.

Self-sacrifice

There's quite a bit of discussion about Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies, but less so about Martin's, both in this season and in season five. In my opinion, Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies originate from (among other things) survivor's guilt from his traumatic childhood experience with Mr. Spider, his increasing belief that he's less than human, and the fact that he prioritizes the lives of others over his own. Martin's self-sacrificial tendencies, while very similar, come from the fact that he thinks he only has worth if he can help and care for someone else and the fact that he doesn't think he's important enough to live. (For example, he says in MAG 158 that he's 'not exactly a chosen one' and says in MAG 198 that he's 'not important enough to kill.')

It's a subtle difference between these two things, and I would argue that while Jon's tendencies are more rooted in the 'help' (ie, 'I want to help other people and I will sacrifice myself to do it'), Martin's tendencies are more rooted in the 'hurt' (ie, 'I will sacrifice myself and other people will be helped in the process'). There is, of course, overlap, and it's not a black-and-white distinction between the two, but ultimately, I think Martin is so used to prioritizing others' emotions and needs above his own that when he's left mostly alone as he is at the end of season three, with the only person left to hold onto being in a coma (possibly forever), he falls back into the same patterns of self-destruction and closed-offness, only without the 'help' to go along with the 'hurt' because there is nobody left to help (especially after his mother dies). Ultimately, he joins up with Peter because he thinks it 'would be a good way to get killed.'

Prioritization of Jon

But then Jon wakes up from his coma, and now Martin has justification for his self-sacrifice again, because he can protect Jon by continuing to work with Peter!

... Maybe.

Jon isn't harmed by Peter during season four, sure, but he does climb into the coffin and visits Ny-Ålesund and is tracked down by Julia and Trevor and struggles emotionally and morally with his own humanity and is hurt, in a way, by the distance Martin puts between them. And I hesitate to place blame for the apocalypse on anybody but Jonah, but if we're going to argue in-canon that Jon was responsible for the apocalypse (he wasn't, but that's not the point of this post), then Martin contributed to that blame and responsibility because it was his actions and decisions that ultimately drew Jon into the Lonely and resulted in him getting the 14th and final mark. (Again, I don't think Jon or Martin are at fault for the apocalypse, but if we were to blame Jon, we could blame Martin as well.) It was only after getting that mark that Jonah was able to use Jon to end the world, something that was hugely hurtful for Jon. So did Martin really protect Jon at all by staying away from him and continuing to work with Peter? Or was that just a convenient excuse to keep self-destructing?

Jon and Martin, in my opinion, had very similar arcs in season four. Martin was sinking further into the Lonely and Jon was sinking further into the Eye. We hear a lot more about Jon's emotional struggle with this given that he's the POV character, sure, but Jon also talks about this with other people. He talks about it to Helen (MAG 152):

JON

…

When does it stop?

HELEN

(impatient) What?

JON

The guilt. The misery. All the others I’ve met, they’ve been – cold, cruel. They’ve enjoyed what they do. When does the Eye (inhale) make me monstrous?

And to Daisy (MAG 136):

JON

My – (large sigh) My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice; I made a choice to become… something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I – I don’t know if I made the right decision; I’m stronger now, tougher, I can – (he cuts himself off) If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever? I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe – stop that happening, and the only danger is to me, I – I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster.

But all we really get from Martin are the things he tells the tapes when he's alone and the monologue he gives in MAG 158. It makes sense that he wouldn't be as open, yes, given the nature of the Lonely, but I can't help but think of (MAG 154):

JON

The Lonely’s really got you, hasn’t it?

MARTIN

(no hesitation) You know, I think it always did.

Jon was always curious and hungry for knowledge; the Eye amplified it. Martin was always closed-off and isolated; the Lonely amplified that as well.

But then Jon pulls Martin out of the Lonely, they flee to the safehouse, and three weeks later, the apocalypse begins. Martin isn't as consumed by the Lonely as he was in season four, he's with Jon--the person he loves--for extended periods of time, and they're in an extremely stressful situation that's sure to be incredibly emotionally charged. There's a lot to be said about Jon's emotional vulnerability during season five and how Martin both pressures him for it and rejects it in different ways, but for the purposes of this post, I won't go too far into detail about the motivations behind how Jon is feeling and acting.

I will say, however, that in season five, Martin still continues to place a lot of focus on asking Jon how he's feeling, encouraging (or pressuring) him to share, and getting frustrated when Jon can't or doesn't (MAG 167):

MARTIN

Okay, so how exactly would you describe your current emotional state regarding all of this?

JON

I –

MARTIN

(overlapping) Go on, I’m all ears.

JON

I feel…

MARTIN

(go on) Mhm.

JON

(sigh) I feel… sad.

[Brief pause.] MARTIN

(flat) Sad.

JON

Very sad.

MARTIN

(*very* flat) Very sad.

[He sighs slightly as he says it. Their bags jangle.]

A few moments prior to this, Martin expresses displeasure that Jon is Knowing things about him, specifically pointing out his emotions (MAG 167):

MARTIN

It’s just – it’s weird knowing that you can know literally everything I think and feel. E-Especially since you’re not exactly the most open of people – emotionally, I mean.

I think Martin is making an effort to open up more to Jon. But I still think it's difficult for him to talk about how he feels so openly, and while he is completely in the right for not wanting Jon to Know things about him without his permission, I think it's interesting that the focus is on his feelings and that he brings up how Jon isn't emotionally open immediately after. It scares Martin to think that Jon could know, at any given moment, how he's feeling, and I think it's partially because he's not used to that level of vulnerability. He turns the focus on Jon, away from himself, and doesn't really make an effort to talk about how he's feeling about all of this, instead prioritizing Jon's feelings and mental state like he's grown comfortable with.

And when Martin bottles up his emotions--of which there are a lot, in such a stressful environment, they can explode out in hurtful ways:

MARTIN

(overlapping) I know! I know, okay, I just – (bracing exhale) Look, I j,just – don’t want to get burned, all right? It’s, it’s like my least favorite pain ever.

JON

Is that – a joke?

MARTIN

(a bit faster, a bit shaky) No, no, okay? I, I legitimately hate burns, alright? They’re, they’re awful, and they scar horribly, and they just – it – it just makes me sick; I, I hate it. Hate it!

I don't think Martin really thought about what he was saying when he told Jon, who has a large burn scar on his hand, that burn scars make him sick, and I don't think he meant it maliciously. But he'd spent the greater portion of the conversation talking around the fact that he didn't like burns and that was why he didn't want to go into the building, and so when it finally ended up coming out, it did so in an explosion of emotion rather than a conscious decision to share. Martin doesn't have a good handle on his emotions, and he doesn't have a good handle on sharing them.

(Is it too much for me to say that Martin was more emotionally vulnerable with himself in MAG 170 than he was with Jon when Jon finally found him?)

Throughout season five, Martin asks Jon questions, he expresses frustrations with Jon, he shows discomfort or fear at times, but for as much as Martin feels frustrated that Jon isn't talking about how he feels about their situation, Martin really isn't doing so either. The most he talks about his feelings is in MAG 170 and MAG 186, when he's by himself, and I remember MAG 186 in particular because before that, we really didn't know what Martin was thinking about for the majority of the season! And in this episode, we find out a lot of very important things about Martin's character. Like (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Look, I know what you know. Maybe I’m just a bit more… open about it.

Also-Martin acknowledges that Martin often doesn't say what he means and hides what he really feels, telling him that it's 'hard to be vulnerable,' and Martin is initially very resistant to the idea. And then, when Also-Martin suggests that Martin wants to stay so that he can be 'quietly sad,' we get (MAG 186):

MARTIN

We could talk to Jon about it.

ALSO MARTIN

We could. But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting to actually help. But hey, we know all about that, am I right?

MARTIN

There’s nothing wrong with comforting people.

ALSO MARTIN

A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster. At worst… a muzzle.

This is very interesting to me, because for all that Martin tries to help other people, he also believes that comfort doesn't always help and that you can't be your loved one's 'therapist.' I think this gives a lot of insight into why Martin doesn't share his emotions with the people he cares about, especially Jon; he doesn't want to put Jon in the position where he'll become his 'therapist,' and he doesn't necessarily think Jon can help. So instead, Martin just chooses not to be vulnerable at all, because he doesn't want to burden the people he cares about. But, when it's just him (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Don’t lie. You don’t need to. Not here. It’s just us.

He doesn't feel like he needs to pull his emotional punches. He can't accidentally hurt somebody or put them in an awkward position; it's just himself. But what's said to himself remains with himself, and (at least on tape), he doesn't discuss any of this with Jon. Not even the bit about, if it came down to it, Martin would have rather had Jon smite him than continue to rule over a domain. He goes right back to being closed-off around Jon, but now we, the audience, know what lies underneath, and how little of it reaches the surface.

In fact, the thing Martin's probably most vocal about is how Jon's feelings about himself bother him (MAG 199):

MARTIN

I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? I try, but I can’t actually imagine ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you.

And it… It hurts to know you can.

And I think he has a tendency to use anger and frustration to cover up hurt, shying away from the admission that something Jon's done has hurt him (an incredibly vulnerable thing) and instead relying on the less-vulnerable and more external anger to cover it. This is more speculation than true analysis, but I think that's a lot of what's happening in MAG 200, when he discovers that Jon has already assumed the position of the pupil and has, in Martin's eyes, broken his promise.

#tma #the magnus archives #martin blackwood #tma meta #jonathan sims #(because i do talk about jon a bit in this too)#i actually think martin isn't good with emotions at all #both his own and others'#i think he doesn't quite know what to do with them so he puts on a mask and defaults to things he knows will work #*thinks about the low empathy autistic martin high empathy autistic jon post with love in my heart*

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brazilianism · 3 years

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Momento r/trueoffmychest but sometimes I feel like there's no future in Brazil. I want to be a writer but there's like 2 Brazilian writers who are even slightly famous outside and I've heard that here we only get 10% of the book's profit, which is frankly absurd. I love this country and I love my city and I don't think I could ever call anywhere else home and I really want to go to college for free because I think I can and USP has been my dream university since I was in 6th grade but I have absolutely no perspective of future here. My family even has Portuguese citizenship in case thinks go south and we have to leave. And then I look at what the future looks like outside and I know I'll have to deal with sexism that'll be even worse because they see Brazilian women as whores and possibly xenophobia which is totally insane for me because I'm white but the moment I say something all everyone will hear is a heavy Latino accent that I actually don't want to lose and on top of that there will be the usual homophobia since I'm a lesbian and it'll be really tiring. To top that, the only places where I can be a successful writer seem to be USA and England and even though I absolutely hate USA it is still in America and I kinda dislike England even more (many cases of racism against Brazilians, heard it's hard for a Latino to get a job). And if I go to USA, I'll have to deal with low minimum wage and rent that is impossible to pay and the fear of guns and I'll probably will end up in New York as a writer and it may be a place I really wanna visit but it does seem like an awful place to live unless you're loaded and I also kinda don't want to ever be homeless but it seems like an obligatory experience if you live in USA. So I have to ask. How do you do it? How can a Brazilian who wants more find a place in the world? I'm white and my parents went to college and have enough money to send me to a private high school and this was supposed to make all the doors open for me but really? I can only see the closed ones. And I know I shouldn't complain because it would be 100000% harder if I was black and poor but honestly right now I'm kinda hopeless. If I could choose what country to be born in, I would always choose Brazil, but I feel like being a Brazilian keeps me from being someone.

Shit girl, I get you. It was one of my earliest dreams to be a writer, too. And this might not be super motivational, but I haven't made it, lol but like i'm 24 so no big deal about it either. I mean, I still write my stories every now and then, but being a writer does take a LOT of effort and energy and especially at the times when I hit depressive episodes it was hard to put in all that effort. Luckly for myself I've been granted a head that is happy doing lot's of different stuff, so I've changed paths without it taking a big toll on me and decided to go into the movie/tv bussiness. First I was about to try scriptwriting but I learned scriptwriting takes a fuckton of techinique to learn and I'm not good at it (yet). So i'm more into production and other media areas (and it might be a bitch but there's always social media work around even if it sucks). And I mean, the movie/tv bussiness is also shitty and has huge amounts of competition AND is better in countries I dislike too, but in my head it felt "safer" cause it offers "secondary" jobs that will always be there. But like, that was what I thought at 17. Now I know that every profession has these jobs, you know, not the "dream" jobs, but the decent jobs around the area. So first thing I'd do if I were you would be to do some research in related areas. Like, I don't know, working on magazines as an editor, or journalism, or text review, or even social media work in the writing area (plenty of blogs and SEO to adjust out there), or publicity writing (someone is always hired just to write slogans and texts for billbords, you know), or even scriptwriting as I tried. It's not that you HAVE to follow any of these, but knowing that you could fall back upon any of these professions or work them part time while trying to write your books might give you some peace of mind to give it a try. Second thing I would do is to do more research on brazilian writers, because there are plenty. Yeah, not all of them are Paulo Coelho, but you don't have to be to be able to make a reasonable living or even to keep writing as a part time profession. Find those authors, follow them on social media, ask questions!! Most love to answer when they have time. But what I won't tell you to do is to stop writing, cause if there's one thing I know is that the only way to get better at writing (and ergo have more chances of succeeding) is to keep writing. And look, i'm not telling you this is by any means an easy field, or a regular job, and it's 100% okay to give up if you prioritize these things in life (i'm serious, mental health and peace of mind come first and there's NOTHING wrong with picking a profession that allows for these if that's the case), but what I know about most people that have an undeniable passion for doing something creative and pick something else without being really sure about it is that they always regret it. Most keep getting sucked back to it or end up miserable because they really wanted to be doing something else. So if it's your only dream, you passion for life, girl, you're super young. Your parents can give you a small headstart for a few years (aka you don't have to worry about getting any job in any field just to get by for now). So give it a try. Search the field. Try to put something together. Worst case scenario, you still learned something. It'll land you somewhere. Might even be a good place :)

#long post #advice #and my inbox is always open if you wanna talk about this more!!#writing #careers #personal

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toomanyfandoms02 · 4 years

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Tap Tap Tap // Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary ~ Three little taps becomes something much more when his best friend is in the clutches of an unsub.

Spencer Reid × Reader

Word Count ~ 2.4K

SPENCER

Y/n had discussed with me many times that she knew what she was getting into with this kind of job. She had been used as a human shield by unsubs, along as a sedutive measure for many male unsubs (and one female). But she had yet to go through something unmatchable to the rest, more traumatic.

But I guess it had to happen sometime, huh?

Y/n was an amazing profiler and agent. She always wanted the best for people. This also meant she was often getting in trouble for trying to take things into her own hands.

We had a few suspects for this particular case, but it was clear y/n wasn't convinced that any of them were the right ones. She was very smart and stubborn, and she definitely wasn't going to stand for convicting an innocent. Since this was all going on in Vorginia, she had told me that she felt responsible to keep everyone here safe, she didn't want any more people in our home state being murdered or injured because "She couldn't figure out a seemingly simple case."

Wednesday morning was pretty normal. I had come in early and was sitting at the round table, reading 'War and Peace.' For the twelfth time. The rest of the team began piling in. I looked up from my book, peering around the table. I wasn't being teased for reading War and Peace, where was y/n?

"Has anyone spoken to y/n this morning?" Hotch asked, leaning further onto the table. Everyone shook their heads. My heart dropped into my stomach, where is she? I immediately scrambled to my feet, exiting the room and calling her.

It went straight to voicemail.

I ran my hand through my hair, trying to pull myself together, calmly walking back to the room.

"I'm going to her house to check on her. Is anyone coming with me?" JJ grabbed my jacket, throwing it to me. Hotch nodded at me as we began to leave.

I was always a careful driver, speeding actually killed around 10,000 people last year. But this was important, I had to know she was okay. I could tell JJ was on edge by the way she was gripping the seat and looking out the window.

Once we arrived I knocked softly on her door. JJ was going to all the windows to see if she could see inside, any sign of struggle. Once she came back around the house, I fished the spare key that I have from my pocket, I carried it with me everywhere.

"Do you, have a key to her house?" She smiled, clearly trying to lighten the situation.

"She gave it to me a few months ago, she said I could come over any time."

"If you wanted to come over any time, you could just knock."

"She was also worried something like this would happen, and she wanted me be the one to quote on quote 'save her' if the situation had risen. She trusts me." She smiled and shrugged, pushing me into the house.

It didn't take much searching before we found a file on a man named 'Carl Desmond'.

"Here. It says that he had 3 siblings. All three have restraining orders against him, but it's not listed why. That's probably why she was so suspicious of him. He could be taking these kids and reliving a childhood life with them. Three kids at a time. I'm not seeing anything on his address." I quickly dialed Garcia. "Garcia can you look for an address on Carl Desmond and send someone there? JJ and I are going to keep looking around the house."

"Yes of course." Cue the sound of vigorous typing. "It looks like he currently resides on 162 Bradbury Lane. I'll let Morgan know."

"Thank you Garcia." As soon as I set my phone down it began to ring again. "Reid."

"It's Morgan. I really think you guys should come back, you need to see something." I grabbed the file and left the house.

I let JJ drive back this time, I was a little out of focus and I didn't want to put us both in danger.

Once we arrived I rushed into the conference room, where I saw everyone but Hotch sitting patiently.

"We sent Hotch to Carl's address." Morgan began fiddling with the projector. "This was sent to Penelopes computer a bit ago. She's really trying to figure out where it came from but it's proving to be pretty difficult." He clicked a button and a distraught, and tied up y/n was presented on the screen. There was a deep voice that came from behind the camera.

"You have five minutes. Say your goodbyes."

"He has sympathy." I said, tapping my foot.

"Hi guys. I'm alright." She was shaking, and clearly not alright. I stepped closer to the screen. "I just wanted tell you guys some things. Garcia, please never stop being a ball of sunshine, I don't know what I would do if you changed. You make everyones day better. And tell Kevin that if he breaks your heart, I'll haunt him." My I could feel the air caught in my throat, I knew she meant that as a funny morbid joke, typical of her. But I didn't even want to open my mind to the possiblity of her death. She doesn't believe she is getting out of this.

Penelope began to cry, "Of course baby."

"Morgan, I admire you so much. You have so much drive and motivation, it's inspiring. Whoever replaces me, make sure you inspire them just as much as you do me." Morgan sat down slowly, nodding.

"Hotch. I couldn't have asked for a better leader. I knew I could come to you with anything and you will help me with it. Thank you for everything." He tried to remain unphased, but I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Emily, I'm sorry that I had to leave right as you got back. I never got to tell you how much I missed you, because I missed you so much. Can you take care of bink bink? Her and Sergio can have kittens together." Emily was now laughing through her tears.

"Rossi you have been an amazing mentor. I have learned so much from you, and I wish I could cram my brain with more cases you were willing to tell me about." Even Rossi looked emotional.

"JJ, please make sure Spence is ok when I'm gone." JJ close dher eyes, squeezing her fists shut. "Don't let him do something stupid. I can't watch him struggle again."

"And Spence. God, I don't even know what to say. You are my best friend, I never wanted this to happen. I wish that yesterday when I stopped you mid-fact telling, because I was looking over a case, I wish I would have let you tell me about the wonders of mountain goats for the rest of the 7 hour flight. You never fail to amaze me. I know, and everyone knows, that you're a genius. But it still baffles me how much you can fit in that head of yours. Never stop rambling about what makes you happy. It's your best trait." I felt a tear slip from my eye, I was now sitting. Listening closely to every word she said.

"I love you all so so much. You are the best family I could have ever asked for. Thank you for everything." I looked down at her hand, she tapped three times on the arm of the chair. That sent me into a fit of sobs.

*"Ok, so how do you feel about I love you's?"*

*"The three-word phrase is laden with all sorts of meaning; saying it signals that we're officially committed, we prioritize one relationship over the rest."*

*"Of course you would know so much about the phrase." She playfully rolled her eyes, shifting into her other foot. "Listen I say I love you, or love you, a lot. And a lot of times it is to my friends. Now, the whole team already thinks that we are dating or something." My cheeks flushed at the statement. "But I do love you Spence, and I thought we could make up a silent code thing for me to say it!" She smiled giddily. "So, if I tap you three times like this." She tapped my shoulder rhythmically, "It means. I. Love. You."*

*"I actually think that's very creative. Ancient scripts and languages have been understood using decoding and deciphering techniques, most famously the Rosetta Stone of Ancient Egypt. In fact, codes and ciphers have determined the outcome of politics and wars throughout history. There are thousands of types of hidden messages." I rambled a little, having just read about some kinds of codes last week.*

*"Well look at us, making history." She smiled, tapping my hand three times playfully*

After that, y/n would tap me three times before going into any dangerous situation. Or whenever we would hug. She even made me a little keychain that read *tap,tap,tap*.

"I'm sorry." Was the last thing she said before the video ended.

"The guy who has y/n is the unsub. She was onto him, and he took her. She probably went to find him and he took her." I was trying to pull myself out of the state I was in. I knew they wouldn't let me help.

"We sent SWAT to Carl's house and no one is there. They are investigating further now." Hotch relayed his information to us. I slid the file from y/n's house over to him.

"This is what she had on him."

"Garcia, search for relatives of Mr. Desmond. They may know any alternate locations he visits."

We had gathered many family members numbers, the last one we were calling was his aunt.

"Hello?"

"Hi is this Miss Melanie Desmond? My name is Spencer Reid, I'm with the FBI."

"What's this about?"

"I'm calling to speak to you about your nephew Carl. We believe he may be involved in a string of kidnappings. We cannot locate him at his home. Does he stay at any other place?" I had just a hint of hope in my voice.

"He sometimes tidys things up at his parents farm. My sister died 2 months ago, so he's been taking care of it. I can give you the address." That must have been the stressor.

"Yes please."

Once jotting the address down. I texted it to the team and began on my route to the farm.

It was only about 25 minutes away. 15 minutes in, Morgan and JJ were caught up with me, driving right behind me.

Once we hit the driveway, my nerves were through the roof. I didn't want to walk in on my best friend dead. I just wanted to hug her ~and kiss her~ and tell her everything was going to be ok.

I nearly stumbled out of the car, heading into the house with Morgan while JJ and Emily started off to the barn.

Morgan kicked the door down, announcing that the FBI was here. I immediately noticed blood on the white tile floor of the house. My stomach churned at the sight.

"Carl Desmond?" I called into the house. I heard light footsteps coming from a room over. Once I turned the corner I could see y/n laying sideways on the floor, still tied to her chair. Morgan motioned me in there as he continued to search the house.

"I'm going to need a medic in the house, but don't send anyone yet, I'm not sure if it's safe." I spoke into my mic. I shook her shoulder a bit.

Nothing.

I put my finger against her neck, feeling for a pulse. It was there, and stronger than I had expected. I began cutting the ropes around her wrists and ankles. I scooped my arms under her weak frame and pulled her into my lap.

"Y/n? Please be okay." I shook her shoulder a little, trying to lightly wake her and not scare her.

"Spence?" She looked up at me with squinting eyes. She sat up quickly, wincing and holding her head.

"Woah woah slow down, you probably have a concussion, don't move too fast." I held my hand behind her head. She pushed forward, throwing her arms around me.

"I knew you would find me, I just wasn't sure I would be here for it." I could feel her tears on my shirt. She tapped my back three times.

"I love you too." She pulled back, looking at me with a crooked smile. "I don't care who hears it anymore. Everyone can know I love you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You always want to her me talk about random facts, even if you have no idea what I'm talking about. When I'm sick of people asking me if I 'can actually read that fast' you tell them everything about me, proudly. I love you, so much." She leaned her forehead on mine.

"Thank god." She leaned forward a bit and connected our lips. I could taste the tears that she had shed for hours and even in the past few minutes. Some tears were even sliding down my cheeks. Even though I didn't have much to cry about now. My everything was back in my arms.

"I knew it! Pretty boy and y/n! Get it man! Hey y/n remember that dream you told me about?" Morgan winked, coming around the corner with a cuffed Carl Desmond. Trailing along with the three missing children. I almost jumped away but y/n kept a tight hold on me.

"Shut up Derek." She growled, furrowing her eyebrows at him.

"What dream?"

"Nope, we aren't talking about this right now. Can you carry me to the medics?" She flashed me a cheesy smile.

I shook my head at her with a smile. I leaned down and kissed her one more time. "You really are lucky I love you." I picked her up bridal style, taking her to the ambulance where there was a medic waiting to help her. I noticed multiple smirks from the team. I set down, wrapping a blanket around her.

"So, a dream, huh?"

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds fic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid fanfiction #mgg

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maistudyblr · 6 years

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Hello! I really liked your studyblr (is that what its called? idk I'm kinda new to everything here hahahaha). I'm a fellow shs too hahaha, I'm not that really smart just average but wow you kind of inspired me to study and be productive. Its kind of embarrassing to say but I've been following your studyblr for a while. Can I ask ? How did you maintain being productive? studying? Do you have any tips? I really want to try it as well but I haven't had the proper mind in starting it hahaha. `C

Hello fellow shs! I’m deeply sorry for not responding to this message. I had a problem receiving asks in my tumblr account. I know this is a very late reply but I hope this will still be of help to you.

Yes, a studyblr. As much as possible, I list down things I want to do for the day such as studying, watching, reading, or even cleaning. For studying, I have this daily reminder to myself “If you can do it now, start now”. That is because I tend to procrastinate when I know have a lot of time available. I believe we all have our own ways to be productive but I guess I should tell you my ways:

1. Printables are your bestfriends. See @emmastudies . They’re great!

2. Give time for planning. List down the things you need and want to do on separate columns then prioritize. There’s a difference between need” and “want”. Delay gratification.

3. Reward yourself every time you finish one task. This is the time you might want to do what’s on the things you want to do list, one by one. The reward does not need to be a grand one. Sometimes my reward for myself is a half an hour rest :) or visit Instagram and stalk a celebrity crush.

I hope this still helps. xx

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aplaceforthesoul · 3 years

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Sorry if it's long. I'm 25 years old. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff. A couple months ago my family rented a dumpster to get rid of a lot of furniture, lots of knick knacks, and things in between. My family has a hard time just getting rid of stuff. We all have the attitude of maybe we can fix it or sell it. But we never make the time to do so.

Growing up we didnt have money for anything. We got a lot of hand me downs from family or friends. Things like furniture, clothes or toys etc. Times are still tough but we do the best we can. We don't buy anything expensive. We don't even spend $15 on a shirt because we see it as pricey and we don't even have new furniture it's still the hand me downs from 10+ years ago. My parents always told us to use something until it's broken and can't be fixed no more then you can buy it new. But once we buy new we'd still save the broken item " just in case".

At my job, it's a small gift shop. Whenever we are damaging out an item usually my boss lets me keep it. I just have a room in my house full of random things I've gotten from work. But it's to the point of I don't even know what I have. Things are just in bins and boxes. I've used some items I've gotten from work for use at home or if I needed to gift something to someone. So I do use the items I get sometimes. But nothing is organized and it's just a big mess.

I just have a very tough time just throwing away stuff or donating it. I donate a lot of my clothes, shoes, purses to the community places in town. I just have a hard time telling myself no we don't need that. Because usually I attach items with emotions. And I start telling myself that the item will be upset if I don't buy it or if I just throw it away.

I was wondering if you maybe have any advice or if you knew any links that I can visit for people like me. Or even any suggestions on how to organize and de-clutter.

Sometimes I feel like it's linked to my past trauma or mental health because I can't let items go. I tend to hold onto everything to try to revisit the memory. I don't have great memory of my childhood or teenage years. Sometimes seeing an item takes me back to those memories. I've even thought about taking pictures of the items before I throw them away or donate them. I just don't want to have a collection of a million photos lol.

I hope it's okay that I asked this question here. And I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Thank you so much. You always have the most helpful advice and you are always all so kind and non judgemental.

Throwing stuff out is really hard. I used to be a bit of a hoarder myself, I used to keep stuff that was really sentimental to me. It took a lot of work to stop being that way, so I completely understand where you're coming from here. You obviously want to change your mind set and declutter though, so I would say just start small. Get rid of one thing a day. Even if you only donated one item a day, you'd still be 365 items less at the end of the year. You could also just do 10 minutes of decluttering a day - time yourself and tell yourself you have to do 10 minutes today.

Then you will prioritize things a little better. Both those things work for me. You could take digital pictures of particular items you think are precious to you and then eventually, overtime you might feel better about parting with the pictures? You could also ask a friend to help or a family member, they're more likely to be more ruthless than you and they could help you make some decisions.

At the end of the day, if you want to make a change, you just have to start somewhere. Changing things is super hard but just donate a little time each day to it and you will change your behaviours over time. Learn to say no, learn to let things go. Donate things and that way, you know that they'll end up being loved by someone else. Here's a link to a good article with some more tips that might help you. Best of luck!

- Bonnie

#advice #clutter #mental health #bonnie

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