#some things I find out are more global than I thought
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I graduated with a meteorology degree recently and I’m curious: have you ever thought about how wizards would respond to climate change?
The short answer: very carefully.
The longer answer:
As would befit a wizard setting out to solve a problem, one has to first fully tease out the various associated difficulties attached around the fringes of the problem... so that you don't (a) make the main problem worse when you start to intervene, and (b) make the ancillary problems worse too. (As one of those unwritten rules of wizardry is There is never just one problem.)
The first thing that becomes obvious is that "climate change" is way too big a thing, with too many causes, to just sit down and construct a wizardry to make the whole thing go away. (Or back to some arbitrary "reset" point.) You have to pick a spot—in the problem-solving sense of the term—to start an intervention that's within your power, or the ability of the group of wizards you're working with, to successfully complete. You also need to check that the wizardry you're planning won't interact badly with one that might already be running in the area, or (later) with a different one that's still in the planning stages. You're going to need to find a way to make it self-sustaining, or to channel sustenance into it from some other aspect of the ecosystem that's already working, with no danger of that other aspect's own persistence being threatened. And if your wizardry affects a large enough region, biome, or number of lives, you're absolutely going to have to clear it with Earth's Planetary wizard.
This isn't just a matter of keeping spell logistics from colliding, either. There are always ethical constraints to consider. And one of the main ones, since we're working in a planetary culture that's mostly sevarfrith, is that whatever intervention you're planning must not be liable to attract attention to itself. When running and producing its desired effects, it must appear (at least on the surface) to flow correctly from the presently understood science surrounding climate change.
For example: if it was possible to construct a wizardry powerful enough to immediately reduce the global average temperature by, oh, half a degree Centigrade—leaving aside the godawful storms and other climatic results that would more or less immediately ensue—such an intervention would play straight into the hands of climate change deniers. These people would (with reason, which you gave them!) promptly start bleating triumphantly, "See, we told you it was a blip!" And in the aftermath of this, sure enough, everybody goes back to their naughty carbon-spewing ways, and you've blown a lot of energy on a wizardry that's come to nothing in the long term... and your Planetary is very out of sorts with you.
What would be seen as far better practice would be to find ways to enhance already-working efforts at specific, targeted reductions or repairs. A wizardly intervention that boosts something of this sort into working a little better, a little faster, than it might have otherwise, will potentially attract far less attention than bolder or more speedily effective moves... and will also in the long run prove far less culturally destabilizing.
(There's a throwaway mention of something thematically similar to this approach in A Wizard of Mars. In this brief bit of background, it's revealed that wizards with puffer brushes and carefully-protected cans of "canned air" make a habit of popping up to the Red Planet in the wake of known dust storms, and blowing clean(er) the solar panels of Mars probes that need a little help of this kind to keep running. The dust storms provide perfectly plausible deniability for the improved operational status: the scientists back on Earth are pleased enough that their probes are able to keep running that no one bothers to question the circumstances too closely: and the wizards get to reassure the probes, en passant, that their ongoing efforts are appreciated. It's a win-win situation all round.)
On the other hand: in situations where current science is as yet unable to detect changes occurring, there's still some room for maneuver. For example, again in Wizard of Mars, there's some discussion of the great 19th-century wizardry now referred to as the Gibraltar Passthrough Intervention. At the time the famous hydromage and Planetary wizard Angelina Pellegrino enacted this work, no Earthly science was capable of detecting except in extremely gross detail exactly what had been going wrong with seawater exchange between the Atlantic and the Mediterranean. And no science then extant was capable of detecting what was going on down by the Camarinal Sill to put the problem right... or at least keep it from getting any worse.
Nowadays, of course, the Passthrough (which I gather from the Errantry Concordance entry is still operational in YWverse-canon) has been running for so long that it's routinely mistaken by oceanic specialists for a natural phenomenon: some kind of historical shift in the thermohalic flows between the Atlantic and the Med, kicked off secondary to (insert handwave here) European subsurface tectonics, or previous ill-understood and undocumented solar mechanics, or some other damn thing. ...Sunspots! That's the ticket; let's blame sunspots. At least the flow between the two bodies isn't getting any worse, and that's what counts, isn't it? :)))))
So the whole point, from the wizardly point of view, would be to enact beneficial change to our planet's current nasty situation in some manner that can't be spotted happening... but also won't upend or cast into disrepute what we already know about climate science. Because seriously, there's a lot to do, and as this emergency unfolds, the planet needs all the help it can get. And sometimes the work of nonwizards of good will is the best, and least entropic, intervention available.
Hope this has shed some light!
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landoscar ao3 stats — 2023 overview
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retrieved ~sometime in march 2024
methodology: scraped metadata for every fic in the landoscar tag and...... that's it. however one important constraint is that all temporal data is date updated (not posted), so the above timeline isn't exactly a true representation of fic growth but rather how many fics were last-updated at that time. of course this is still its own reflection of fandom health in a way since dead fandoms don't update old fic but well... it's just not quite the same!
this is just info about general trends, fic content, tags etc... so nothing about kudos/comments or any authors specifically
i decided to focus solely on fics last-updated in 2023 (unless otherwise mentioned) because i wanted a tidy set that i can maybe compare & contrast in a year's time, because i expect a lot of details to look different then (tho as stated above this set isn't exactly static... 🤷♀️)
ngl i had to re-scrape a bunch of times because i forgot about it for like 3 weeks and then there were 100 new fics 😭 so if there are some minor discrepancies across the post it's because of that halfskh.
also i wanted to include more global comparisons (aka how 814 stack up against the f1 rpf tag in general), but this is also considerably difficult in some contexts since i can't exactly scrape 31,000+ fics can i... or i didn't even want to entertain the thought of trying to do so!!!
why did i do this? who knows.
anyway here's some viz T__T
ship growth
as evidenced in the opening graph, landoscar have been a very fast-growing ship over the past year — although interestingly enough they didn't really start growing substantially until july / the ~better half~ of the 2023 season. here are two views showing their "growth" (by date updated) alongside two other ships on the fringes of the f1 rpf top 10 (sebchal & galex):
landoscar are very much on-track to surpass them and officially enter the top 10 soon, likely before mid-april ❗️ :o
ship characteristics
onto the ship content — another thing i was mildly curious about was how landoscar differs in certain areas from other f1 ships, or the f1 rpf "global" average you could say. for example, here's a breakdown of rating popularity in their ao3 tag:
seeing as explicit is their most common rating, and that i don't necessarily expect this to be true for all ships/fandoms, i compared these percentages with the general f1 rpf tag to see whether some ratings are more commonly represented in 814 fic than average, which produced interesting results:
do lando ships simply skew more HornyTM in general? is it oscar? a secret third thing??? who knows... actually i think it would be fun to do more analysis in this direction but that can wait for another time!!!
similarly i also wanted to see which ships are the most "public" on ao3, as in have the highest share of fic that isn't user-locked... i will refrain from peppering in my feelings about the 4th wall too heavy-handedly but i was curious to see whether some sort of perhaps... er, generational gap (?) of sorts between ships that are more public vs. not could be identified. however i don't pretend to have any takeaways from this LOL i conclude absolutely nothing. (for ref landoscar is currently 72% public, vs. a global avg of 63%)
note that this graph is current stats, not filtered for 2023
looking at relationship tags, i also wanted to know whether landoscar suffer noticeably from Second-Ship Syndrome, so i tallied the first-tagged ship of every fic to find out. i know this doesn't necessarily mean that it's always the "main" ship but it's a good enough approximation. the results were quite positive!
filtered to top ships with count of >1 only
i then also calculated the number of ships tagged for each fic to discern the profile of multi-shipping in 814 ficdom; i did have to do a little bit of string standardization (all instances of implied / background / hinted collapsed to hinted for simplicity's sake + removal of other redundancies), but otherwise i left everything mostly untouched.
as you can see, landoscar also have a fairly promising amount of OTP: TRUE fic:
by the time you get to the fics with 10+ ships tagged, landoscar are less likely to be the primary ship, which makes sense just on a basic statistical level... this is also a very small sample size though
i also lazily tallied the 10 most common ships that weren't NOR/PIA or NOR & PIA to diff their shares of the 814 tag vs. of the general f1 rpf tag, to see which other pairings are more represented in the 814 tag than on average (because lestappen are the most popular by pure count but this is also true of fandom in general, so it would be a misrepresentation to say that their popularity is out of the ordinary):
maxiel's gap isn't really that surprising since i think that, generationally, in terms of when both pairings were teammates there is quite a gap; with carlando—actually let me tally this again but including all instances of "implied" and "past" as being part of the same ship, since that's how ao3 tag-wrangles as well:
Aha ! obviously as a direct ship there is competition between 814 and other lando or oscar ships, but this difference is somewhat less pronounced once we include all formats. tbh none of this really means anything but i thought i'd add it anyway... (it's also very possible that there are several errors in this, in which case my b 😔)
before we move on to additional tags, there are a few more basic characteristics of 814 fic we can calculate. i realize i never offered an overview of Super Basic Stats, so here are a few:
plus, looking at word counts, here is a distribution of those in 2023-updated fic, which shows that a majority of 814 fics were under the 5k mark:
85% of landoscar fics were under 10k & nearly 97% under 25k
i don't really have any reason to believe that landoscar's wc stats differ significantly from average ? so this is kind of just Data To Have Data, and it most likely reflects normal ao3 trends in general... but i thought i'd include it anyway because i already made it lol. similarly, here are word count distributions but stratified by rating:
& same info but heat map view:
i feel like this is also probably something you'd find across fandom in general — that gen fic is likely to have a higher share of under 1k works, since Building Up to sexual content often takes... Literal & Metaphorical Foreplay ! and the longer a fic is the more opportunities an author has to include a sex scene or other explicit content (ofc, not necessarily just porn but also graphic violence & so on). but i thought this was fun to visualize haha
additional tags & aus?
back in my old f1 rpf stats post, i made a table comparing fluff/angst "ratios" (not exactly a direct ratio because of how tag wrangling works, but an approximation) of the most popular f1 ships, and now that landoscar are somewhat popular i thought i'd first do an update:
also current data, not 2023 to make things easier
just like before, simi are one of the most fluffy ships and brocedes are by far the most angsty, but it's interesting to see 814 also extremely high up on the charts, with far and away the lowest % of angst. will be exciting 2 see how that holds or changes as the seasons progress !
finally, i also wanted to do a bit of au/additional tag analysis because you can kind of see this when you use additional filters on ao3 but the previews are limited and get bogged down by the prevalence of *checks notes* Fluff, Angst, PWP, Anal Sex and what have you. which are nice stats to have and all but what of the rest !
disclaimer that the set for these tables is a biiiit outdated because by the time i'd wrangled everything i was like I Am Not Changing It Again. unfortunately i clean my data with shoddy queries and regex functions in googsheetz...
there were 48 tags with at least 10 instances from 2023 fics, shown below, with ones that are (some ~vaguely) nsfw in red just to kind of get a rough sense of which tags get commonly used in M/E fic:
getting a bit too much into small sample size / specific fic territory so if you're an author i sincerely apologize for that... do not mean 2 put u on blast... TT__TT but i also tried to tally the most popular aus people write for 814, which is a bit dubious because people tag in really different ways and i had to accommodate for a lot of string formats but ... it's close enough ! (?)
i feel like this is very little interesting info but idk what else to add so i will stop here for now... well!!! if you made it to the end i hope u learned something or even vaguely enjoyed reading T__T and most of all thank you :')
#*m#landoscar#in a sense 😔#tfw don't have a tableau license so i live life on the edge across multiple unsaved desktop public files......#if ur interested in anything specific pls lmk before my computer inevitably Dies and deletes everything...!#this is so useless nsdflshdfh. Anyway
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I can't take the state of the world anymore, every day things constantly get worse and there's literally nothing we can do. Every time things get better they're immediately undone by forces more powerful than us. I just want things to go back to the way they were before when it felt like there was hope, now it feels like humanity is doomed and will never, ever get better. I just want to die so I can finally know peace from this evil.
Hey. I'm really, really sorry you're having such a hard time. That sounds like an incredibly painful headspace to be in.
Please find someone you can talk to and who can help you - whether that's a peer counselor or a good friend or a trained mental health professional. Especially a trained mental health professional, if you can. You can find a really thorough list of crisis hotlines listed by country here.
Also, I realllllly recommend getting off any websites or social media that are contributing to you feeling like this, or at least block all the people/tags posting things that are making you feel like this. Negativity bias is real - the news/internet doesn't accurately reflect the world and neither does the way your brain perceives it
In the meantime, a few quick words/facts of comfort. I hope they can give you at least some reassurance or solace.
We literally have more reason to hope we can solve climate change than ever before x
Starting about six months ago, major international energy reports have come out for the first time showing that we have a visible, concrete path to staying under 1.5 degrees celsius x
Twenty, even ten years ago, scientists talked about whether we could possibly manage to limit global warming to 4 or 5 degrees Celsius. Now, those numbers aren't even on the map - we're talking 1.5 or 2 degrees Celsius. We've cut expected warming in half in under a decade x
Renewable energy is growing so exponentially it's now "unstoppable" x
Two hundred years ago, in 1800, there wasn't a single "liberal democracy" - a democracy that gives all citizens the right to vote - on the planet. Just over one hundred years ago, in 1900, there were five of them. Today, roughly half the countries (aka roughly 100) on the planet fall into this category. International politics is so often two steps forward, one step back, but this is actually an astonishing pace of progress in the grand scheme of things x
For all of human history, until just over 200 years ago, roughly half of all children died. Across times, across cultures. Half of all children died by the age of 15. Half of them. Today, globally, that same child mortality rate is only 4%. We did that. We changed what was previously an eternal, inescapable, and horrific condition of human existence, and we are going to keep making that rate go down x
Two steps forward, one step back, is still moving forward. There are so, so, so many reasons that we are not already doomed. There are so many reasons to think the future is going to be bright
To anyone struggling with thoughts like this: please, please give yourself the chance to see it
#Anonymous#ask#me#I am so so not a trained mental health professional or qualified to help people with this stuff#please talk to people who are qualified to help with stuff like this instead!#climate change#climate anxiety#climate hope#child mortality#humanity#good news#hope#cw sui ideation#cw sui mention#depression#climate grief#climate crisis#climate news#hope posting
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Love in Vinyl (Jeon Wonwoo x Reader)
If you were to create an extended play about your relationship with Wonwoo, this would be it. Your title track? To You - a perfect symphony about how a love yours feels like. You and Wonwoo found your safe place to land - each other. And like music in vinyl, every ridge and groove of your relationship makes up the perfect music.
Note: Wonwoo x producer!reader, smut, fluff, slow-burn, multiple scenarios, friends to lovers, AU, unedited
Disclaimer: Dear reader, please bear in mind that this is an AU, hence there might be some scenes that may not be as cohesive as real-life, but I did try my best to match the timelines. This is a longer one-shot containing various parts inspired by different songs. Then, it would be followed with more chapters of shorter music-inspired one-shots from within your timelines. 💜
Word count: 23,229
SECOND FIC IS HERE, DARLINGS! Read Love me Lights Out here.
I love Wonwoo so much and I need an outlet for my delulu self, that I am now willing to share with you, world. :) this is the first ever fic I am posting here in Tumblr so pleease forgive all the mushy stuff. I really hope you'd like it, though.
Enjoy, darlings. 💗💙
I pour my blood, sweat, tears, and delulu dusts to write this. Please help me protect my work while reaching more delulu darlings who may find escape here, too. 💜
Cross-posted in AO3 (theloveofthunder17)
You, I always need you
I step still further away
Only the rough wind lingers around me
So, I always need you
You're the only one for my breathless self
Oh, even if we're facing each other, I still miss you
Hey, even without saying anything
You're the only one that who understands me
Today I'll go to your arms too (Hey, hey, hey, hey)
I'm grateful to you, who greets me whenever I open the door
In a swirling day
You've given me a piece of happiness
You've placed all of the smiles in the world in my hands
So even if I run out of breath on a steep road
Even when I lose my path during a cold day
We're still holding hands with warmth
Nothing is easier than I thought
Thinking about what should I do everyday
When I think I've arrived, I'm back to the start
Even when the dark is ahead of me, oh-ooh-oh
Ooh, during the swirling days
I can run without any fears
Because of our faith that we still kept
Because I'm so grateful, I'm in tears
How can I repay all of this?
To you, to you
The story I want to express
To you, to you
I want to say more things like this
Oh-oh, in a swirling wind
If there's an eternal love
Then you're that person
You weren't really prepared for your life to change when you first worked for Big Hit, a relatively small, start-up company that somehow put faith in your skills and your eagerness. You were penniless, basically living off minimum wage you earn as you pursued your course in university alongside working with BTS since their debut. You started as an intern, a researcher for such a small company you took as a steppingstone to your career. You were working with only handful of producers then, hence gaining the exposure while putting double work developed you massively. It was baptism by fire, they always told you. With of your determination and grit, you soon became a segment producer and made your way as one of the regular producers of their contents. You were present during concerts and shows, filming and drafting ideas so your skills expanded tenfold while you were growing your network, too. You were part of the massive shift in BTS' career and the agency's success. You were there as the team behind the camera grew from a few people to hundreds as years passed by.
You were one of the most trusted, most tenured producers, growing and learning with the boys and the company. You proved your innate talent as you became one of the brains behind their hit 'healing' contents such Bon Voyage and Run BTS, documentaries, and many other social networking releases that helped them reach a global scale. Those years were a whirlwind – pure chaos but utterly amazing in its own way.
BigHit continued growing as BTS continued to triumph internationally, bridging borders across the globe. The company's growth meant a lot of acquisitions and partnerships with relatively similar labels the head of the agency fostered good working relationships with, and that was when Pledis entered your world. As an independent company such as BigHit before, both companies somehow built close ties from the higher ups, knowing both were relatively smaller companies compared to the giants. It was a perfect partnership, truly. Gradually, even the respective production teams had built connection and network, driven mainly by the encouragement of the senior management.
By early 2018, you started being more involved with both companies as part of continuous partnership initiatives. The producers often welcomed your expertise because you always offered fresh perspectives, from an angle of someone so pivotal to the successful contents and program releases of BTS for the past five years and from someone around the same age of the artists and the fanbases. You struck the perfect balance every time.
You have met some of Pledis' artists before through working with BTS, seeing them during shows, networking with Pledis producers, or casually interacting with them around the industry. With the changing dynamics however, you were eager to know more about the group on a more professional and personal manner. You spent time researching about them and getting to know them through their managers and producers, and of course the contents they had already released before. Their beginnings were much like your beloved BTS – they started from the bottom and slowly continued making their name known in the scene – SEVENTEEN. They were just nearly a 3-year-old group then, still fresh, and still discovering the many things they could bring to the table. With immense innate talent they possess, you were certain they'd be one of the most successful groups, and you were right.
"Everyone, this Y/N. She's going to be one of the producers for some of our contents and she came time to meet you all."
You found yourself in a middle of the room surrounded by the members after their debrief session for one of their Going Seventeen Spin-off shooting day. You were present during the whole shoot, watching and observing how these individuals work and just how comfortable and easy to work with they are. Your friend and mentor who happened to work with BigHit before requested your presence there, given that he's one of the long-time producers of the show.
"You all behave," the producer teased the team, leaving you all in the room for some time to get to know each other.
"Hello everyone."
"Hello, PD-nim." The members greeted you, with Seungcheol politely asking you to sit and feel comfortable, and you did.
They looked excited with the introduction of a new staff member and you immediately felt the positive energy everyone radiated. You immediately thought this was going to be easier than what you had initially expected.
"Hope you still have energy? I'll try and make it as quick as possible." Your whole persona exuded a different type of energy that the team found refreshing, as if your wavelength would also match theirs and instead of senior staff members they were used to working with, your youthful take on things was something they were all looking forward to.
"We're okay, PD-nim." The leader piped in and everyone agreed. "It's still early!"
The room was filled with hums and excited murmurs so you wanted to sustain that energy. Instead of your usual laptop, you took out pens and sticky notes from your bag to distribute it to the team for a quick activity.
"I am quite unconventional so I would like to get to know you guys personally through this game and would also allow you to ask me questions so you can get to know me." You explained looking around the room as the men started to show curiosity despite it being the first time you actually got to meet them. You reckoned it was because it was something new to them.
"Y/N-noona, you know us all already?" Mingyu asked, his bright smile lighting up the mood and surprising everyone with how casual he was with you. He had been smiling at you since he saw you that day but you already warned him beforehand to not let the team know just yet. You met him several times already through Jungkook and learned just how how much of a golden retriever he is, so refreshing for a man standing 6'2".
"Hey! I've met you guys before! It's just that I was always nagging BTS behind camera."
"Ah you're the scary PD-nim!" Minghao exclaimed, earning laughter from the team.
"I suppose I am, yeah. But again, I know you guys."
"Shall we test it, PD-nim? Whether you really know us?" DK, the group's sunshine, suggested and the team all agreed. The whole thing did not feel intimidating for them at all even though you'd be working as their producer.
"It's Y/N. You can just call me Y/N. But challenge accepted! I watch a lot of your contents, you know." A soft smile crept into your lips as you recited their full-names and stage names as you pointed at them in order they are seated, even included the nicknames the fans use to refer to them or their iconic lines. A collective 'woahs' filled the room at how accurate you were. You could see their walls breaking gradually which was the goal of the meeting - to establish the familiarity and ease before even working with them.
"And last but not the least... 울고 싶지 않아 (Ulgo sipji ana/I don't want to cry)". Your sweet voice resonated around the room followed by the cheers and howls from the members, while your turned your gaze towards quietest man in the room, meeting those kind eyes behind his thick glasses. Knowing how to read the room and adjust your approach, you reckoned it would need a little more effort to make Jeon Wonwoo more comfortable and participative, especially that you were a new face. Wonwoo emitted such a kind aura with a hint of mischief, and you were certain you'd enjoy seeing him break out of his shell through the programmes you'd produce. Your attempt at building rapport was quickly rewarded, earning a nod and a warm yet shy smile from him. It made your stomach flutter and Seokjin was the only person who managed to affect you like that before.
"Alright, in that piece of paper I gave, I want you to write the simplest thing that excites you the most when working on contents such as Going Seventeen outside being musicians and idols, and from there, I'll guess who it might belong to. If you have questions for me, put it there, too."
You watched them intently as they endlessly bickered, teased, and gathered ideas from one another. You loved the chemistry and relationship they have almost immediately. Clapping your hands to get their attention, you gathered the papers and opened it one after the other. You read interesting and simple things they wrote such as 'fun activities', 'prize', 'food', 'mafia', 'travel', 'games and money' and the likes. The hour was filled with laughter as you answered those who asked a question and tried guessing based on this.
"What he likes - gaming and would like to try travelling. His question for me - 'Who are you?' Wow such a straightforward one." You snorted as you read one of the papers, rolling your eyes playfully as they hollered, shouting it was Wonwoo for sure. "Is it yours?" You turned to the man whose ears were turning red as you clutched your chest feigning heartache which made the team tease him more as he admitted he wrote it.
"Alright then, who am I? Wonwoo, I am BTS' favourite producer, and I have a feeling that I will be Seventeen's most favourite producer soon enough, too."
The members cheered, clapping their hands as Mingyu led them to chant your name, "Y/N-noona! Y/N-noona!"
"Don't tell the other PDs I said that. It's a secret."
One particular paper made you laugh, it was Hoshi's, saying that he mostly enjoys being a tiger and being a star but then followed by a question about their seniors, "How different is BTS? What can we learn from them?"
You paused and considered the question, looking at the team in the eyes, "They are not much different. Like you, they started from the bottom - working day in and day out, breaking barriers and crushing bigotry and racism. They are so much like you than you'd imagine, that's why I think you all get along well every time you work together."
The team nodded and hummed, as if pondering what you just said. Mingyu also agreed, given that he already heard many stories about the band from Jungkook.
"What can you learn from them? Be human because you are humans. You cry, you get angry, you get tired, you fall, you stand, you laugh, you fight, you rejoice, too. You eat, you shower, hopefully, you take care of yourself, but most importantly, you love. You love what you do, you love yourself, you love each other. It will make a difference in this wild industry you are in. You love."
There was moment shared between you and the members, a quiet one with only knowing smiles and glances around the room. It was evident that it was going to be the start of a harmonious work-life with them.
Since early 2018, you were able to foster good working relationship and friendship with the members, as part of the producers for Going Seventeen Spin-off. From 2019 onwards, you became a regular around their studio, especially with more talks around agency mergers becoming more and more apparent from the management to senior staff levels. With your brilliant mind, you become more involved in conceptualizing contents and special episodes for Going Seventeen, earning you a title as of one of their most loved and most hated producers at all times. You later became one of the brains behind TTT, Don't Lie, Ego, and Bad Clue series which were all loved not only by the fans but also the members themselves.
Being just at the same age as Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Joshua, it was naturally easy for them to trust and build connection with you, much like how you were with BTS. Everyone became comfortable around you quickly, with your presence offering some sort of normality among individuals who are always under the spotlight. "You're not just a producer but a great friend and 'noona'. I am really thankful." Dino, ever so precious, reminded you after a tedious working day for everyone. There were no pressure working with you even when you were running things in the background no matter how scary and serious you can become sometimes — just some of many reasons why they love you.
Since you started working with them, there were members who had grown closest to you such as the 95z, Hoshi, Dino, and Minghao but surprisingly, there was another one who grew to love your presence – Wonwoo.
Admittedly, Wonwoo was not the easiest one to get to know — he had always been reserved and observant, laughing on the side lines and supporting his team, but somehow, he felt comfortable with you. With how wild and loud the other team members can get, you understood that Wonwoo would not fight for that limelight, and while not intentional, being quiet also meant he sometimes felt as though no one was listening to him. Of course, Jeonghan and Mingyu are always there for him, but with your arrival however, he felt more understood and seen. It was rare for him to foster such close relationship with anyone that easily, but with you, it was a breeze. "As easy as breathing," he once told you.
Wonwoo would often receive teasing gaze and smirks from the team whenever you were in the studio working or even getting their ideas from them, even when you were still just doing small projects before. He always found himself beside you during breaks, talking about everything under the sun - from the games he discovered, or the latest restaurant he tried, or more interesting and controversial topics. The two of you could easily get lost in hours after hours of random conversations and even arguments which challenged both of your perceptions - his practical and rational mindset and your more creative and idealist mindset. You became comfortable enough to share stories of your childhood, hardships, or even concerns without fear of judgment despite differences. You became close enough to even know each other's families. You were always in your own little bubble, enjoying each other's company as if you had been best friends forever. You thought that was the beauty of it - the build up of your friendship was organic.
Wonwoo was never the one to fall quickly — always sure-footed and rational even in that regard. However, he was always a little too excited whenever you were around, and you were always in his mind whenever you were not around — something he would not necessarily admit. He felt it, though, and allowed himself to bask in that new feeling.
You on the other hand was always focused on your career - the schedule was hectic alone to even pay attention to being in a relationship. In reality, you had carefully built your walls since you started working in the industry, but somehow, someway, Wonwoo managed to slowly break your guards down.
You were not certain when it started – the silly banters, the teasing, the sweet gestures, and more moments spent alone you both always looked forward to - but it happened.
In such chaos around you, you and Wonwoo found a safe place to land – each other.
Around July of 2019, you produced SVT Travel episodes for GoSe. New York, a perfect location for the boys to film such content. The city had everything to offer, and it was right on time as they were set to perform as one of the artists for KCon that year. They were the most anticipated artist there and you knew how enthusiastic they were about it too. Prior to the event, they were given a chance to roam around New York on their own and explore the city by group, Bon Voyage style. Every one made the most out of their travel, enjoying everything in the city from food, parks, and even the shops.
They were quite bummed you were not there for their travel vlog though it was you who made it possible to squeeze in that content and allow them to enjoy. There was a conflict in schedule, but you told them you'd try. They knew you would be preoccupied with project commitments and would not be around for a while because you were busy preparing for BTS' New Zealand trip that September for the fourth season of Bon Voyage. Everything was manic with BTS going on an extended break before their trip, and still being one of the head producers for BV, you were naturally occupied, too.
However, your heart yearned to be in New York for more reasons than you cared to admit. So while it seemed impossible, you tried finishing all the work and preparations so you can squeeze in the time to fly to NYC.
And of course, you did.
While you were not there for KCon, you found yourself walking in the streets of the concrete jungle the night before a special occasion - Wonwoo's birthday.
Nobody knew you were coming except from some staff members, Seungcheol, and by extension Jeonghan. They told you they planned something for him so you can surprise the birthday boy who had been sulking for the past few days. Birthday blues, they assumed, so they wanted it to be special for the man who would not normally demand anything.
They said they would have late dinner so they can still be up drinking until midnight, which was not uncommon at all. You already experienced their random drinking sessions before and was impressed with how they can hold their liquor, except Hoshi and Seungkwan, of course.
It was right on time with your arrival at NYC at 10:00 PM. That gave you ample time to settle down in your hotel nearby the place they were staying in. At around 11:30 PM, Jeonghan gave you a head's up that they were all together, drinking and eating, and asked you to come before midnight. You arrived by the door of their accommodation few minutes before 12:00 AM of 17 July, just enough time for the surprise.
Your loud knock broke through their laughter and Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and the others who kept up with the secret asked Wonwoo to open it, reasoning that he was the closest to the door.
"Yah! It's my birthday and you're ordering me around!"
He complained but being an angel that he naturally is, obliged. It was the most perfect timing -- the clock struck midnight as Wonwoo turned the knob and opened the door to you holding a cake with a cute little candle lit up. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened as if he could not believe you were there, wishing him a happy birthday along with the members.
"Make a wish." You gave him your gentle smile and lifted the cake towards him. Speechless, Wonwoo closed his eyes, put his hands together for a wish, and blew the candle. Everyone cheered, clapped, and hugged him - all pleased with how the man responded to the small surprise. It was loud but Wonwoo felt as though you were the only person around that moment. His eyes remained glued to you, as if trying to convince himself he was not dreaming.
In a blink, he engulfed you in his embrace, his head buried against your neck. "You're here," he breathed out as he tightened his arms around you.
You swore you could feel his shy smile against your skin.
"Happy birthday, Wonwoo." You mumbled, rubbing his back soothingly as you wrapped your arms around him with equal affection and care.
Unbeknown to the both of you, the members were already giggling and whispering how dense you both were about each other's feelings.
-
New York was even more beautiful than you imagined. You had been there before, but somehow, that summer bloomed differently - it was brighter, more colourful, and more alive. You tried convincing yourself it really was like that but you second-guessed whether it was because you were already smitten with the man you were spending the day with. Either way, you had no complaints.
With how famous he was, you knew it would be impossible to spend the day with just the two of you alone given that they also headlined a huge concert just few days back. Wonwoo was adamant to spend the day with just the two of you, but you managed to convince him to bring the guys. They all deserved that break after all, so it was just perfect.
You all decided to spend the day at Six Flags, getting lost and enjoying the wide variety of activities offered in the amusement park. The members and some managers were around, but they gave you space per Wonwoo's request without your knowledge.
You spent the day sightseeing together, getting on various rides, enjoying meals and several desserts, and just being silly kids - with playful matching headbands, even. For someone you constantly tease as part of the iron deficiency line, Wonwoo seemed to have all the energy in the world that day.
You spent few hours together until the members called to let you know that the firework show was about to start. Hurriedly, you and Wonwoo went to the centre-ground just before the bright, colourful explosions glimmered under the dark velvet sky, capping the celebration with a perfect view.
Everyone was in awe of the grand display, as expected.
You, on the other hand, found the man beside you more fascinating than the show glittering the sky. You watched the reflection against his glasses and his almond eyes, admiring how the colours lit up his perfect face while his lips curled in his signature small smile as he expertly took photos of the show. He looked even more breathtaking. This man was crafted so carefully you were sure the universe spent more time perfecting him.
The thud in your chest was relentless, and when you thought things couldn't get better, it did. You felt Wonwoo's hands twining with yours as he turned towards you and smiled, "Thank you for making this the best birthday ever."
You could not speak, but he knew what you wanted to say. The way your hand tightened around his and the way your eyes shone as you met his gaze were enough answers for him.
I’m ready to love
Tell me, can we stay together? Can we stay together?
I’m a fool of love for you
My heart by your side forever, by your side forever
My feelings grew after I met you
Just friends that’s not enough for me
First time feeling my heart race
Never thought it’d beat so fast
All I wanna do is run away
Cause you are my escape
Love has no limit, I want an answer
Already know, yeah
That expression lost in thought
My secret recipe to make you feel better
The moment my eyes saw you
Everything’s clear
No need to say a word
First time feeling my heart race
Never thought it’d beat so fast
All I wanna do is run away
Cause you are my escape
Just need you to be ready
With each passing day
My emotions keep growing
I don’t wanna waste any more
I want to run for you
Run away to the other side of the world
Take my hand
Still I run away
Trust me now
To fill my heart to the top
Like you're short of breath (let me)
You give me purpose
The trip in NYC was nothing short of magical. It was beautiful to have been able to spend time with them, but most especially Wonwoo. You weren't sure about what was going on with the two of you just yet, and somehow it started to scare you how much deeper you were falling for him. It was an oath you swore to yourself before - to not fall in love with the people you were working with, especially the artists. It was impossible not to, you finally realised, especially with how things naturally played out with you and Wonwoo.
Instead of focusing on that however, you occupied yourself with preparations for the fourth season of Bon Voyage and had not visited the studio for nearly two months. Aside from how busy you were, you also went to New Zealand to film with BTS hence you were also not around for the first shows they had for Ode to You tour.
Your jampacked schedule did not mean that your mind was completely rid of Wonwoo. He was able to infiltrate your thoughts and emotions throughout - sending you food and coffee in your office, calling during odd hours of day to ask how you were, or even sending random selcas with the members. You missed being with him for sure, and those silly things made you yearn for him.
One thing that stuck to you however, was when you received a call late in September, few days before your scheduled return. They were filming the 2019 Camping TTT that time and you weren't sure why your phone rang at nearly midnight. Seeing his name on the screen however, you perked up.
"Hello?"
"M-miss you so much." He slurred, followed by a hiccup. Your breath hitched.
"Hey, Won. You okay?"
"N-no."
"Why? What happened?"
"You forgot about me already."��Despite the static on the line, you could hear the slight pout with the way he whined.
"I would never." You chuckled, "wait, are you drunk?"
"Lovedrunk. Yes. With you."
"Wonwoo —"
You could not even finish your question when the line dropped.
You were dumbfounded. Would he even remember what be said once he woke up the following day? Those thoughts keep you awake that night.
-
As scheduled, you came back after nearly two months of being MIA in the Caratland to produce the SVT Playground episode of Going Seventeen which was one of the goofiest episodes they enjoyed filming - simple and innocent, a trip down memory lane. It was a chance for them to be young again and forget the heavy weight of their stardom despite the cameras around.
For you and Wonwoo, however, it was the game changer.
While you grew closer than ever even before, something shifted with the way Wonwoo treated you since New York and that phone call the previous week. He became a little more gentle, softer, and more thoughtful with you. On the other hand, the sweet gestures became bolder and more noticeable. The way he stared at you lingered without him trying to hide it and there was a new spark in his eyes whenever he did so. The tone of his voice when talking to you turned sweeter, flirtier, even.
That day, he became more intentional with his display of affection either by tucking your hair behind your ears or wrapping an arm around your shoulders or waist for no reasons at all. Those gestures, while not not new, developed gradually over the past months that you did not even notice them becoming more apparent. Not until New York. Not until that playground day when you felt it so deep.
Adding to your dilemma about your feelings, Jeonghan and Seungcheol were also actively watching the turn of events. They had always known about it, so as the other members who were close to the two of you, while you and Wonwoo try to mask or avoid your feelings.
"What's with you and Wonu?" The leader asked teasingly during the filming break, flashing his gummy smile and wiggling his brows. "He finally confessed?"
"Huh?" You cocked your head in confusion.
Seungcheol and Jeonghan burst out laughing, shaking their heads and looking at each other as if sharing an inside joke, and you reckoned they might be aware of that drunk call Wonwoo made.
"Eeeeeyy, you both need to come to your senses. It's been more than a year of you trying to deny how whipped you both are for each other." Jeonghan casually remarked before they went back filming when the director called their attention. You scolded yourself. Were you really that obvious?
As you watched the during the filming, you could not help but be drawn towards Wonwoo – his laugh, his whiny pouts, his voice, and even the way he ran to you whenever he had the chance to, pretending to get candies or drink water or seek assistance in putting on eye-drops - all these just so he can get close you.
You couldn't help but think about how since you met over a year ago, he has always been present and always ensured you felt it. Your natural chemistry was obvious to everyone around you, but somehow, you both refused to acknowledge it.
That day changed it, though. The butterflies and racing heartbeat were abiding throughout the day.
Remembering how he held your hand in New York only sealed the obvious truth you were trying to avoid for months.
It finally dawned to you that you had plummeted. Your walls completely crumbled down and you were left defenceless, all for and because of Wonwoo.
-
Majority of the team members and staff went home once you arrived in the building after the shoot, but you stayed inside your dark office, working on some of your ideas for the next content and pulling another all-nighter. You wanted to finish it, as you were going to be busy with some filming preparations in line with upcoming documentary for SVT you would be co-producing.
While you were preoccupied with your work, Wonwoo noticed your office door ajar with lights still open and he knew there could only be one reason. He bid goodbye to Joshua who was walking with him saying he'd follow in the carpark and the man nonchalantly agreed, leaving Wonwoo alone.
Wonwoo entered the studio discreetly, seeing you ever busy typing your notes, talking to yourself with eyes laser focused on the screen. He always loved watching you in your element, so fascinating how your mind works he would often say. He even bought you a wireless mechanical keyboard to help you when typing away your ideas so that it would be easier and more comfortable. That was just another excuse of course, he bought it because it matches his gaming keyboard and you once told him you love the click-clacks of it. He hoped that somehow, he'd cross your mind even when you are working. He reached his goal - you carry that keyboard and think about him everywhere you work.
He leaned against the door frame for quite some time just admiring your unwavering strength and passion before sneaking behind you like a cat that he is. Placing a hand on your shoulder, he spoke softly, "Aren't you leaving yet?"
You jumped in surprise as you felt his warm hands against you, "You scared me!" You shrieked, playfully punching him as you clenched your chest with your other hand.
"Ah! Sorry, sorry." He snickered, pulling the other chair to sit beside you and you locked your laptop hide the script you were working on for the next special episode.
"Why are you still here? Have the others left?"
"Mhm, they did. How long are you staying?" He inquired, already reaching for his phone from his pocket with his eyes never leaving yours. "I'll wait for you. I can text Shua-hyung to go ahead, he is waiting for me."
You tilted your head, puzzled, "Why? You should go, it was a long day. You have early shoot tomorrow, too."
Wonwoo just shook his head. There was that unspoken connection and understanding built between you since you met. Both of you are intuitive individuals, and you both see through things than what meets the eye, perhaps that's why you mesh well. His warm eyes searched yours as if conveying things he could not muster just yet. "I'll stay and wait. No matter how long it takes."
There was a pregnant pause, the air thinning as your heart pounded against your chest. You wanted to assume it was just about waiting for you and nothing else, but his deep voice and the sincerity behind it was too serious. "How sweet of you, Won, but Joshua's waiting and you need to rest, too." Your voice was gentle, but there was a little quiver as you tried steadying it despite how he was making you feel.
"Eh, but I want to be here with you." His perfect lips puckered into an adorable pout as he whined, eyes twinkling under the warm dimmed light of the office as they remained glued to you. "You can't convince me otherwise."
You beamed. Like a complete idiot.
Your inner lady laughed hysterically at just how insane Wonwoo drives you no matter what he does.
"Wonwoo, you need to go home. Your managers will kill me if they found out you stayed here." You insisted, pressing a hand on his forearm as if to comfort him, and he felt your warmth through the sweatshirt he was wearing. "I'll be fine, I promise."
He sighed, finally surrendering to your request. "One condition then..." he paused and turned your swivel chair so you could face him completely. You saw that glint in his eyes - a hint of teasing mischief that eventually shifted into something warm, like fuel coaxing embers to burst into flames.
"Fine. What is it?"
The tension was palpable and your voice barely came out as you tried grounding yourself when he dragged your chair closer. He did not answer you just yet, instead with an intense gaze, he started leaning towards you, nose brushing against yours as you froze in your seat.
"This."
He hushed, and before he chickened out, pressed his soft lips against yours.
Your breathing ceased.
The world paused.
There was nothing but silence and the pounding of both your hearts.
The fireworks show in NYC was no match against the fireworks going off in your head that moment.
It was all surreal until you felt his trembling hand ever so gently cupping your face. The surge of emotions was brimming as you withdrew slowly, eyes wide at what just transpired. You blinked rapidly, trying to wake yourself up from the beautiful dream or delusion that it was.
But it wasn't a dream. Nor was it a delusion.
It was all real.
He was there, lips curled up in his signature grin while caressing your face with yearning. His raised cheeks were turning red and the ashen colour of his hair only emphasized the glow that painted his features. He was enchanting yet so real at the same time and you could never fathom how it was even possible.
"H-hi." He stuttered followed a breathy laugh and you could not help but meet him halfway the next time he dipped his head and captured your lips in a conversation without words.
He kissed you with such tenderness and longing - the soft petals of his lips slotted between yours so delicately that it caused shivers to run throughout your whole being. He brought you closer by the back of your head, deepening the kiss, enough to allow you to taste each other.
The kiss was sweet, in all senses of that word. He tasted of sugar and mixed berries from all the candies he consumed during the filming, and you tasted exactly like the cherry-cola popsicle you had upon arrival at the office. The exchange was loving yet so fearless and innocent, like one's very first kiss, only 100x better.
"You had too many candies today," You whispered against his lips, eyes still closed as you both chuckled. You heart was burning inside and you were certain he could feel it, with how steady he seemed to be.
"I can say the same." His lips curled into smirk then chased yours for a few more pecks before finally pulling away reluctantly, looking in your eyes as you both burst out giggling like teenagers.
"Now go." You ordered, face still flushed from the exchange and Wonwoo nodded, his lips pressed together tightly to suppress the smile he couldn't wipe off his face. No matter how much he tried, however, the corners of his lips and his cheekbones did not cooperate.
When he finally found his strength, he stood towering over you and leaned in, stealing one last kiss then running towards the door giddily.
"I'll go. Good night."
"Good night." You called back, suppressing the intense emotions that threatened to spill.
Wonwoo got to the car grinning ear to ear. Joshua, ever so observant, noticed the younger man's reaction but when he asked, Wonwoo just shrugged and said it was nothing and pretended to scroll through his phone.
It was something. Definitely something huge, enough to make his heart pound against his ribcage as if he had just run a marathon.
You on the other hand, were left in the studio, still in daze and doubting your sanity. You were only able to process it once you reached home, squealing like a lovesick 15y/o in the plush kitten he gave you not long ago.
The next time you saw Wonwoo was only few days later from that night, during a particularly busy day in October two days before their scheduled Japan trip for Ode to You in which you will be present, as you were the producer of their docu-series content.
That special filming was for the first ever Don't Lie episode. They were all ecstatic and surprised throughout the entire day of filming, cameras rolling around as they tried to find the treasure and the mafia. You headed the whole production, monitoring the cameras and watching how they were losing their minds over the whole concept.
Wonwoo should be focused on the game but could not take his eyes off you. You were the main producer that day, busy giving instructions to members seeking clarity about the rules or checking the flow of the game and filming with the directors. The way your eyes glistened as you sipped your favourite strawberries and cream frappe while running around one place to another captured his attention. He thought of how your lips would taste and how cold it would be against his, wondering whether it would be like that first time few nights ago. That was when he felt it again, the tug in his chest that seemed to always happen whenever you were together, which only intensified from that perfect kiss you shared. It was so powerful that day that he felt he could no longer waste time – he was finally ready to verbalize it, hoping that you felt the same way.
"Wonu couldn't take his eyes off you. How can he find the treasure then?" Jeonghan chuckled as you both watched Wonwoo searching every nook and cranny of the area after Jeonghan was voted out by the team.
"Shut up, you mafia. His eyesight is poor, he could not see me from here."
You took a long sip, trying to ignore the teasing from your friend but who were you kidding? His teasing was impossible to ignore, especially when you and Wonwoo still had not talked about the kiss and just casually greeted each other when the filming started. Your mind floated back to earlier that day, when Wonwoo found yet another way to make your heart flutter like he always does.
The weather was already changing - the air was colder that day as the season transitioned, and it was common knowledge that Wonwoo could not stand the cold. Like a proper excuse, Wonwoo found himself next to you while you were walking towards the main shooting area, lacing your hands together sneakily yet so casually. You gasped and turned your head towards him, raising your brows to question what he was doing but he just gave you a sly smirk, "Why? You know my hands easily get cold and yours are the perfect heat packs."
What a silly but perfect excuse, you thought. You shook your head in disbelief, hiding the fluttering of your heart and the stupid grin that painted your face. He noticed everything, though, and he loved it, too much that he pulled you even closer to him.
"Trust me, his eyesight is 20/20 when it comes to you. See?" Jeonghan added and proving his point, the gorgeous 6ft tall man sauntered towards you. He was so on theme that day, donning an all-black outfit from his shirt and ripped jeans matched with a leather jacket and a pair of combat boots. He looked dangerous to begin with and even more so when he nonchalantly leaned to take a sip from your drink as his almond eyes met yours in a gentle, but teasing stare-down.
"You found the treasure?" You taunted but he just smirked and shook his head, making you reach out and fix the hair from his forehead.
"Ugh, get a room you two." Jeonghan grimaced, leaving the two of you in the corner lost in you own bubble once more.
"Not yet, the mafias are good and I've searched the whole place already! Give me a hint, babe. I'll split the cash and treat you dinner." Wonwoo casually offered, with pleading eyes. He looked so handsome you could melt but more than that, you did not miss the way he said 'babe' as if it was the most natural thing to call you.
"Not a chance," you shook your head before stealing your drink away from him and sipping, pushing him to go back to his hunt as the remaining time was announced.
The shoot ended with loud laughs and betrayals from the team, the mafias won the prize but it was Wonwoo who seemed a little too happy even when he lost, grinning ear to ear when you agreed to have dinner with him.
It was not the first time you went out alone, you were mainly in the studio or the normal bar you also frequented with Bangtan whenever you guys were out for a drink, one that guaranteed privacy. This time however, Wonwoo wanted something different. He took you out for a drive towards Namsan Mountain, both of you holding Styrofoam cups of piping hot stew and some grilled pork belly you ordered, and even some soju to enjoy at the back of his crossover van. You created a makeshift camping space with picnic cloth and some pillows you borrowed from the studio as you shared your meal while looking over the amazing view from above through the open door of the van.
"You are amazing, you know that? How did you even come up with that idea?" He mumbled, looking at you in the eyes as if utterly mesmerized by you.
You let out a soft snicker as you recalled the ruckus from the day and as he laughed at the things that transpired. It was like that until you both finished your meals and the ice cream you bought from the booth nearby. You just casually talked about everything... except for the one thing you both should be talking about. "I am a producer for a reason. And I enjoy watching you all lose your minds."
The cityscape glimmered before your eyes as cold winds brushed against your skin. The both of you leaned back against the pillows with his head resting against your shoulder. It was peaceful and quiet, and there was such comfortable silence between you as you watched the flickering of the city lights while his favourite ballads played in the background through the car's stereo.
"You were right you, know." Wonwoo's deep voice broke through the soft melody in the background and you could feel it through you.
"About what?"
"You've become my favourite."
"Producer?" You smirked.
"No. Person." Wonwoo declared with certainty, his trembling hands reaching for yours, fiddling with your hand before slotting his fingers between the spaces of yours. "You're my favourite person."
"Won -" What he uttered and they way he held your hand truly caught you off guard and rendered you speechless.
"I have fallen for you since the moment you noticed I measure my meat and rice ratio at every bite." He paused, thumb brushing at the back of your hand as he craned his head and met your eyes. "I am not good with words, but this, I am certain of. And that kiss, I felt it, you know..."
"Felt what?"
"That I may have a chance. We may have a chance."
You were wonderstruck at his confession. Your heart was bursting at the seams as you looked at the man who held your trembling frame one summer night when you were at your breaking point, the man who always asked whether you've eaten and went above and beyond to order you food or coffee, the man who paid attention to every little shifts in your mood, the man who stayed up late with you in the studio after long days of practice so you'd have company, and the man who since you met, has been a steady presence, grounding you and being your safety net.
"I want to try, Y/N. I feel like we've been holding back for so long." He added, shifting to face you as you did the same, hand twined in his as you both searched each other's eyes. "Let's allow ourselves to be happy, unless of course I read things wrong."
Wonwoo had never felt such way with anyone else before. While of course he had been attracted to other people, it was different with you – deeper and more serious than whatever silly crush he had prior. He felt safe and secure with you. He felt seen, valued, and listened to even though he normally prefers to be in the background. He finally had someone he was excited to share his stories with outside of the members and his family. He finally had someone to be silly with and someone to tell him that it's okay if he's not the best cook. He finally found the person he'd want to learn how to cook for. He found someone who taught him how to better communicate and supported him as he continues to discover himself and find his footing. He found rest in you. He found his person, so unexpectedly. He found you and he could not let you go, never without trying, especially not now.
Your eyes glimmered with pure astonishment, "You're my favourite person, too. Ever since you asked me who was I the first time we formally met." You chuckled at the memory, watching his smile grow and seeing wheels turning in his head. Then there was silence, a meeting of eyes before his gaze trailed towards your lips and then back to your eyes. There was that unspoken understanding floating mid-air, hidden beneath your soft smiles and withheld breaths.
"But —"
The moment you broke the quiet, he cut off your words as he swiftly drew you in, lips moulding with yours in a fearless, loving kiss.
"No more buts." He muttered ever so steadily, grazing his teeth against your lower lip.
You finally let your guards down and wrapped your arms around him, seizing such perfect moment and tucking that core memory inside the corners your mind for safekeeping.
He was right, no more buts were needed.
All your fears and apprehensions vanished as you allowed yourself to savour the moment. You'd deal with worries some other time. That moment, all that mattered was the two of you.
The two of you.
Finally.
It was perfect.
You made this song who I am
And here you come
Three, two, one
Want to give everything
If I can just have you
Won't let them break your heart, oh, no
Without you, I'm nothing
No words are enough for you
Want to write it lyrical
So let me read and write my emotions through you
I just want to love you
Alone I don't want to leave you
I just want you, I need you
The night is short, can't take you for granted
I tell you, this time I wanna rock with you
Moonlight tonight, shine on you
Tonight, I wanna ride with you
Wherever we go
Baby, hold on, baby, hold on (Wherever we are)
Baby, hold on, baby, hold on (No matter whеre we are)
Evеn if the world is ending, I wanna ride with you
I'm running for you
Do anything for you
Just you 'til my last breath
No words are enough for you
Want to keep it melodical
So let me listen to all your emotions
Fall into your eyes
Every moment is pointing to you
All I ever need is you
Take nothing for granted, you're all I got
Won't let them break your heart, oh, no
Anywhere
Baby, hold on, baby, hold on (Wherever we are)
Baby, hold on, baby, hold on (No matter where we are)
Even if the world is ending
I wanna rock with you
I wanna stay with you
ODE TO YOU 2019 - JAPAN LEG
Japan has got to be one of Wonwoo's favourite places ever. He can always be free there, despite their stardom and fame in the country. Their Japanese fanbase is one of their best fanbases - respectful and always mindful of boundaries.
The band has always been eager in ensuring they are able to provide the best show for their fans, and the first nights proved just how loved the boys were – the shows were a massive success, and despite how tight and busy their schedules were, they all genuinely enjoyed it.
During that month, you were involved behind the camera, producing parts of their documentary Hit the Road and capturing behind the scene footages for the DVD release of the said tour. Whenever they did not have shows, they had guestings, photoshoots, and other press conferences. It was only when November came that they got time off for themselves to breathe and relax after the last show in Yokohama and before the shows in Chiba commenced.
It was a restless month for them, so naturally, you became not only a producer, but also a friend they ran to with whenever they were restless and needed to vent. Your hotel room became haven to the members, either as a place to rest and bond over alcohol, or wailing wall. You always understood. Your presence made a huge difference to the members, but most especially to Wonwoo.
--
Wonwoo had planned his days off for a long time already, even prior his confession. He ensured you would be free from work during his time-off too. Like a practical man that he has always been, Wonwoo planned out your official date like how you would a production schedule - detailed and precise. He asked you to pack for a 3-day trip, a surprise he said, and that you would be leaving by midnight to catch your flight to Osaka. Even the the flight schedule was well thought off, ensuring your privacy was a priority. He was eager to enjoy this trip with you. It had been a month since you officially started dating but you weren't able to properly go out as a couple yet. Both of you were thrilled to have such chance and were looking forward to having an amazing time together, away from the teasing of the members.
With eager feet and sleepy eyes, you travelled to the airport, arriving right on time to catch the hour and a half flight to Osaka. You landed and settled in your hotel at around 3:00AM, with just enough time to sleep and rest before you itinerary. It was your first time to spend the night together away from your friends, but due to just how tired you both were, it was not something you immediately realised. After washing up, you went to bed and succumbed to sleep as you held each other for warmth, recharging both of your energies for your activities later that day.
The blaring alarm and the sun peeking through the curtain woke you up that morning, still buried under the duvet and hugging a pillow tight while you tried wake yourself up. As you stirred, you reached out towards your beau, missing the warmth he emitted, only to find nothing. You pried your eyes open to see the empty bed and that was when you heard the door closed and his footsteps slowly approaching. Your stomach growled in hunger as the smell of Japanese pancakes, egg rolls, and coffee permeated the air and invaded your senses.
"Good morniiiing." He mumbled in his cute little sing-song voice and accent before he placed the tray by the bed and joined you, "Breakfast in bed."
You thought you might have been dreaming. How can someone like him be your boyfriend? You might have done something good in your past life to deserve him. You were dreamy as you looked at him, inviting him your arms for warm hug to thank him. "You're the best."
"I know," Wonwoo smirked and peppered your face with kisses as he rubbed your back. "Let's eat, we need to leave soon."
Your brow raised in curiosity, "Where are we off to?"
"It's my secret."
The man winked at you. Winked! No matter how long it has been since you first met, his gestures like that could still make you lose your shit.
-
Wonwoo took it upon himself to drive the rented car to your destination, looking ever so flawless with a hand on the steering wheel and the other on yours. You had been bugging him to tell you where you were headed but he just smirked at you, insisting it was a surprise until you saw it. Universal Studios. Wizarding World. A place you've always wanted to visit. You were gobsmacked.
Your heart fluttered at the soft smile and gaze he gave you, "This is our first official date and I want you to remember it. You ready?" He asked ever so confidently, and you could only squeal and lean in to kiss him, and he was quick to return it.
"Let's go!" He exclaimed, both of you hopping off the car to start your adventure. You suddenly felt nervous, however, realizing he was not wearing a mask, and anyone might recognize him with that blue hair and face card on display. You were about to speak when he shook his head as if he already assumed what you were about to say, "I am not hiding. There is no need to. Let us enjoy this day, yeah?"
Encouraged by his boldness, you nodded, holding out your hand towards him, "I am sure we will."
The autumn air was crisp and cool against your skin while you soaked up the atmosphere of the park. Everything was indeed magical but it was made even better with your Wonwoo by your side.
He kept smiling at you, revelling in your squeals of excitement at everything you were seeing. He had always known just how much of a fan of the franchise you are, and seeing you enjoying this made his heart full. His efforts in making it possible were immediately rewarded by your enthusiasm.
You took photos by the entrance of the park and the Hogwarts Express, and both your competitive edge in photography were on full display. It was habit you both have whenever you were out in new places, exploring your creative sides through the lenses while being each other's supporter-slash-critic.
After the stroll by the entrance, you visited one of the shops to buy robes and scarves of your Hogwarts houses, and the wand that you can use within the the theme park. That was a must in the park, and you definitely would not miss that to complete the experience.
The shop welcomed you with warmth and the lovely smell of parchment and fabric. You busied yourself find your robes and scarves, and assisted Wonwoo in wearing his. With the height difference, you stood on your tiptoes to wrap the blue and bronze scarf around his neck as a final touch. Sneakily, his arms encircled your waist and he pecked your lips making you blush furiously, squealing on the inside.
"Oh look it matches your hair, love." You marvelled, pushing him towards the mirror so he can look at himself. "Oh, my handsome Ravenclaw." You sighed dreamily, watching him fix his glasses and wave his wand, pretending to cast a spell.
"Wingardium Leviosa!"
"It's LeviOOOsa, not LeviosAAA."
You mimicked the famous scene and both of you burst out in fits of giggles as he in turn helped you with your house scarf. He put the soft fabric around your neck, fixed your hair afterwards, and then used the scarf to playfully haul you close so he can steal another bold kiss which surprised you.
"Someone might see us!" You gasped, looking around the store to check whether there was anyone around who could see or potentially be filming you despite the both of you being in a secluded part of the store. Thankfully, it was a weekday, not a peak season, and not many people were around.
Wonwoo just chuckled, "Relax! No one's here." He leaned in once more for another sweet, lingering peck that made the lady inside you somersault.
Wonwoo did not need any spell, he alone can leave you enchanted.
You spent the day walking around the park, taking photos and videos of the sights, and trying out the rides. Wonwoo was ever so professional whenever you took his photos and in hindsight it looked as though he was just filming another content. You thought somehow that should any rumour come out, it would be best for people to assume that it was just for content, you got enough footage and photos to release something if it comes to that anyway.
However, the way Wonwoo held you close or laced your fingers or even pressed soft kisses on your forehead were giveaway that it was a personal trip. And that you weren't just a producer. You were never big on PDA, you like to hold hands or share drinks but never too comfortable to show affection whenever you were around other people, but somehow, the magical place and how surprisingly quiet the theme park was made you braver in expressing sweeter gestures. You both allowed yourself to revel in that bliss of being together in such a magical place.
You were on an all time high, heart fluttering ceaselessly as Wonwoo made your dream not only possible but also memorable. You were unsure how he made all these arrangements despite how busy you both were the past months. He just winked when you asked him saying, "I am Wonwoo, love."
Before the end of your tour, you spent time around Diagon Alley shopping for souvenirs for your friends while drinking your 3rd glass of butterbeer that day. The fizzy drink was sugary sweet that it reminded you of your first kiss. You internally laughed, remembering that moment and how shy the both of you turned after the sudden moment.
"Why?" Wonwoo asked you, as if sensing how you were feeling or thinking.
"Nothing." You shook your head and finished your beverage, your boyfriend laughing as he wiped the foam off the corners of your lips.
"Did I do well, love?"
"Hm, very well indeed."
Little did you know, Wonwoo was also thinking the same as he gazed over your every feature. His mind wandered to that first kiss inside the secrecy of your studio and how things transformed since. While you were still the same hardworking, caring producer looking after them, you became a pillar of strength for him, a home he always yearns for and goes back to. Seeing you happy and surrounded by the things you love seemed to have further developed his understanding of how utterly in love with you he is. The moment when you gushed about the famous quote, "After all this time? Always.", he made it a personal mission to make you feel his love and how grateful he is of you, always.
The streets were already dark and the show by the castle was already starting by the time you completed your shopping. All the other guests were busy running towards the show while the two of you took your time. Really letting go of his fears, Wonwoo seized the opportunity and grabbed you by your waist when you reached a darker alley in the park. Laughing, you both sneaked in towards a slightly hidden side of it until Wonwoo pinned your back against the brick wall and swiftly dipped you into an ardent kiss. You were taken aback by the suddenness of his action but kissed him back with reckless abandon, tasting the butterscotch flavour from his lips as he deepened the kiss. Soft whimpers left your lips as you clutched onto his scarf, lost in delight as his arms snaked tighter around your waist to prevent you from escaping.
You did not know how much time passed when you parted and he stared at you. He looked so sinful like that - lips red and plump from the kiss curled up in a smirk. Breathing heavily, he mumbled with his gruff voice, "Let's go back to the hotel."
Your knees buckled.
-
Surprisingly, the both of you managed to still have dinner at the hotel restaurant despite how tension filled the car ride back was. The meal helped ease both of your nerves after that sneaky make-out session you had in the park under the moonlight, but it still did not completely take away the unspoken truth - you both wanted each other.
The moment you entered your room, the air shifted. Wonwoo shoved the door close and caged you against it, lips covering yours in heaps of kisses. Before it led any further however, you paused and panted for air, "We need to wash up." A small chuckle escaped as he groaned and nodded, taking all the energy to pull away and rush towards the bathroom, leaving you breathless, in daze, and wanting.
Your head was spinning as you took a shower after he did, subconsciously spending time to ensure you were spotless and even using the best shower gel you have. You were still overwhelmed with your desire but you were also nervous - this would be your first time and there was no denying that it would finally come to that after long months of pining and waiting.
Wonwoo was no different. He was excited, nervous, and needy all at once but he wanted you for so long and could not wait any longer. Trying to calm himself down, he put on Avengers on the television while waiting for you. He needed his distractions and he hoped the superhero movie would do the trick.
About half an hour later, you finally emerged from the bathroom wearing your matching pyjamas and approached him in the couch where he was watching. You wondered how someone could look that great with bare face and glasses. So domestic. You sat beside him and he wrapped his arm around your body, holding you close to cuddle against his side. He breathed you in, your scent lulling him and waking up his desires that was sitting at bay. When you both mustered the courage to look at each other after a short while of tension filled silence, he tilted your head by your chin so he can continue what you both started earlier.
Wonwoo's kisses were searing and full of desire, his arms engulfing you closer until you found yourself straddling him as need simmered inside you. He traced open kisses against your jawline and the sweet spots of your neck, until his warm breath grazed your ear as he nibbled your earlobe.
"I want you..." He whispered seductively. His eyes were dark, pupils dilated as he stared intently at you, "...need you."
The dulcet tone of his voice had you reeling. There wasn't a need to convince you. You were already a beautiful mess, ready for his loving.
"I am all yours."
"Let's take this to bed, I am not about to have on a couch for our first time." He chuckled softly as you both stood, his lips still glued to yours as you stumbled towards the bedroom.
He sat by the edge of the bed and yanked you by your arm to have you on top of him. He drew you in for endless kisses, his teeth tugged on your lower lip as his hands roamed around your body, snaking inside your shirt to feel your skin. His touch was electric, making you shiver and imagine just how good he would feel touching you where you needed him to. He bruised your lips with his, drinking you up as if you were water and he was parched.
You fumbled with the buttons of his pyjama shirt, pushing it off his broad shoulders as your hand splayed along every perfect contour of his body, memorizing him. Your eyes trailed from his perfect face, down to his broad shoulders, and his narrow waist. You were completely mesmerized by how perfectly sculpted he was, akin to a statue of Greek god, and you thanked all the universe for allowing you to experience such man. Wonwoo admired your patience and how pleased you look gazing at him, but enough was enough for him. He could not wait any longer. So while you were ever gentle and patient with your actions, the man effortlessly ripped your pyjama shirt open, buttons popping out as your bareness was revealed to him, finally.
His mouth fell agape at the sight of your body for the first time ever. He imagined it for so long but to be in that moment was surreal for him. Your insides were turning into molten lava with the way he was looking at you with intentional seduction and awe while he caressed every inch of your body and brought you closer so your skin pressed firmly against his.
"You're so beautiful." He whispered, and despite the lust-filled look in his eyes, he was genuine. He caressed your supple skin as he kissed you, tongue parting your lips as if seeking entrance which you granted as you fought for dominance. He traced kisses towards the sensitive areas of your neck, down to the valley of your breasts as his hand cupped and toyed with your buds. He took one in his mouth, sucking and licking and turning his attention to the other, eliciting a rather loud groan from you.
"Oh gosh..." You were already tingling with pleasure and he hadn't done much yet. You keened in anticipation and need but Wonwoo took his sweet, sweet time with you, marking you in places only he can see. You could feel his breathing becoming heavier as you moved to ever slowly grind against his growing member to alleviate the ache in your core and allow him to feel your warm centre.
Wonwoo was lost in the moment, utterly drawn towards the scent of your skin and how you feel against his body. Your every sound and reaction was enough to drive him crazy, sending adrenaline to course through him as you both found each other in a battle of lips, teeth, and tongue. At one point his glasses became skewed, making the two of you laugh in between the flurry of hungry kisses shared.
"Take your glasses off." You mumbled, tugging on his lower lip and reaching to remove it, but he swiftly grabbed your wrist to prevent you from doing so.
"No." He said simply and quickly maneuvered the two of you so your back hit the bed as he slowly shifted downwards, his eyes fixed on yours behind those thick lenses. "I want to be able to see you clearly."
The laughter quickly dissipated as he once again pressed his lips against your skin, paying attention to every inch of you until he reached your waistband.
"May I?" He asked and you nodded, biting your lower lip and preparing yourself for his next move.
"I want to hear you say it," He mumbled against your skin like a predator playing with his victim before prowling and devouring it. You rolled your eyes playfully trying to mask your crumbling exterior but it was so impossible when he was so close to your core.
"Please touch me..." You let out and, in a blink, Wonwoo peeled off the remaining fabric covering you. His gaze darkened at the sight of your whole body on display for him under the dimmed lights of the room. Blood rushed to your cheeks and you suddenly got conscious causing you to press your thighs together instinctively but he shook his head disapprovingly before prying your thighs apart, gently.
"Love, you're incredible. Don't you ever hide from me." He held such gentle dominance as he looked into your eyes. He placed searing kisses from your knees towards your inner thighs, until he reached your core slick with arousal which made him curse under his breath. You throbbed with need as his warm breath brushed over your sensitive areas, touching you everywhere except where you need him.
"Tell me what you want, darling." Wonwoo commanded, drifting away your core and hovering over you.
"You... please..."
"You have to be specific, baby..." He teased you relentlessly, fingers snaking from your chests to tease and tweak your pebbled buds before he moved towards your aching core.
"Touch me." Your brows furrowed as you looked at him with pleading eyes, body squirming beneath him as his long fingers started circling your sensitive, swollen nub down to your slit.
"Like this?"
"Fuck!" You breathed out, hips lifting to meet his deft fingers. A devilish smirk tugged on his lips, watching every nuance of your expression that was enough to make him even harder.
"You're dripping... I want you to feel good, babe." His competitiveness was on display as he plunged his digits inside you, feeling your velvety walls as you trembled in pleasure. "You like that?" He whispered, shifting to kiss you deeply as he drew his fingers in and out of your wet cave while his thumb worked on your clit. The pleasure you were feeling was incomprehensible that moment, completely lost at the feeling of his skillful fingers driving you to the edge of release.
"Oh Wonwoo... babe..."
"I want you to come for me baby."
Wonwoo dipped his head towards your breast, taking your bud into his warm mouth and cajoled. You gasped heavily, drunk in lust as his fingers curled while he licked, sucked, and nibbled your taut nipples, completely sending you wailing as you climaxed around his fingers. He watched your orgasm for the first time ever -- lips parted, brows knitted, breath ragged -- you were hypnotizing. If your walls felt that amazing around his fingers what more his cock and the thought alone made him twitch.
He was throbbing with need to be buried inside you but he was far from over. While you were still catching the remnants of your orgasm, Wonwoo was already shifting downwards until you felt his mouth and tongue devouring your sweet release. With loud moans, you reached towards him, fingers gripping on his blue locks as he forced your hips down and continued his relentless ministrations.
"Holy shit, Wonwoo..." You whimpered, quivering as you felt another orgasm ripping through you as his wicked tongue drew circles around your clit and sucked, while his fingers entered you once more, massaging that sweet spot inside your walls until you quaked from his stimulation.
"Fucking h-hell..."
"Was it good, baby? You okay?" He asked, brow rising in full curiosity as if he was taking notes mentally.
"Are you kidding me?!"
You both giggled, drunk in each other as you pulled him towards you and wiped his glistening lips and chin, not without apologising how messy it was. Heaps of your clothing were discarded on the floor and you were left with no barriers separating you. The feeling of your warm skin against each other caused sheer delight and comfort and lust all at the same time. You admired all of him, such a work of art from head to toe, hand snaking down and tracing all his perfect ridges. You palmed his sizable length as you looked him in the eye, feeling him grow further and harder.
"Do you want me to." You asked, already trying to manoeuvre downwards before he shook his head.
"I'd fucking love to, but I can't baby, I won't last long." He admitted, a soft chuckle breaking between you as he pinned you back to the bed. "I need you bad... can I have you now...please?"
"Yes... please..."
Ever so prepared, he had a condom ready on top of the bedside cabinet which he reached out for and ripped the packet using his teeth. You were dying in anticipation as you watched him kneeling between your thighs, his trembling, eager hands trying to roll the rubber around his long, hard shaft but it kept on slipping. "Aish!" He grumbled and you both burst out laughing at his struggle. You took it from him and helped him with it, his teeth buried in his lower lip as he groaned at the feel of your warm hands stroking his aching cock after you wrapped him successfully. Your mind was completely in daze as your handsome man braced himself on the either side of your head and leaned to kiss you, aligning his length against your core before he glided through your wet folds, feeling your warm, slick pleasure coat him through the condom as he teased and prepped you for his length.
Wonwoo smiled gently at you as if he was not just teasing you. His honeyed gaze met yours, taking everything in that moment before whispering, "I love you so much."
"I love you, too."
You encircled your arms around his broad shoulders and he kissed you fervently, tongue diving deep as he lined his cock towards your opening. He pulled away just enough to look into your eyes while he, with one swift thrust, impaled you completely. Fully.
"Fuck baby!"
"Oh Won — babe!"
Both of you groaned in unison at that first delicious stretch. Wonwoo paused to ensure you were okay, only to be rewarded by your nodding and legs wrapping around him. Wonwoo fit you perfectly, like lock and key, made for each other. He smirked, and then he drew out and drove forward, again and again, building up the rhythm and intensity of his thrusts. Your warm walls gave him an in-drawing sensation everytime he pulled out and your loud mewl signalled that he was hitting that special part inside you.
"There?" He asked, memorizing the way you respond at every angle as his huge cock breached your walls repeatedly.
"Yes baby... fuck... keep going!" You breathed out, fingers tugging his hair so you could kiss him as he plowed into your depths.
"You feel so fucking good around me me, baby."
Your loud moans matched each other as he felt the tight pleasure of your core, feeling you pulse and clamp around his length. His deep voice resonated in your head, so erotic as he buried his face in the crook of your neck while his cock throbbed inside you. He bucked his hips upwards with varying yet precise intensity as if trying to mark and claim you as his. The harmonies of your moans and grunts, along with the creaking of the bed and skin slapping filled the room. It was nearly impossible fathom the pleasure you both were feeling after longing for that intimate moment for so long.
As if you weren't on the verge already, Wonwoo dove down and wrapped his talented mouth around your nipple hungrily, making you shudder in delight. You clawed at the broad planes of his back as you gyrated your hips to meet his every thrust, contracting around his length as he bucked deeper and harder each time.
"I am so close - fuck baby." He grunted as he moved with vigor and eagerness, chasing his high and encouraging yours.
"Holy shit - me too -"
Every cell of your body was on fire as he snaked his hand down, rubbing your sensitive clit. His lips found yours and with few more thrusts, sent you closer and closer to your white bliss.
"With me, baby. Cum with me..." He whispered, slamming into you hard and you both spiralled into your glorious, mind-numbing orgasm, cursing and wailing each other's name. You felt his length twitch inside you as he came while your walls clenched around him, milking every last drop of his sweet ecstacy. He was unsure how such insurmountable pleasure was possible. It was nowhere near his imagination as he watched you quaking underneath him as you both reached your climax.
"Oh baby..." You chased his lips with sweet, open-mouthed kisses as he rested his forehead against yours while he tried to steady himself. You continued the gentle movements as you rode out your climax, feeling every perfect sensation and every remnant of the mind-blowing explosion.
He panted heavily, nuzzling against your skin before finding the will to finally pull out of you as he kissed you gently few minutes later. He rolled your body on top of him and engulfed you in his arms as you slowly drifted back to earth. He cupped your face, wiped the streak of pleasure-filled tear that cascaded your cheek, and kissed you ever so gently in contrast of how he did earlier.
You traced soft circles against his skin as you both fully regained your senses and breathing, and suddenly found yourself chortling in drunken pleasure - like you did when you had your first kiss.
"You're amazing. I love you, Y/N."
Your heart fluttered, as if it was the first time you heard him say that. It was always magical whenever he did so. He was a man who preferred actions than words, so hearing him say it always tugged your heartstrings.
"You are otherworldly, Jeon Wonwoo." You murmured and he kissed you once more, smiling against your still plump lips.
"And I love you, too. So much."
-
ODE TO YOU, 7 NOVEMBER, CHIBA
Those three days spent with Wonwoo were indeed filled with memories. You were busy with activities to rest and relax during the day while you spent the night tangled in each other intimately, making the most out of your time and somehow releasing all the pent-up desire you had for each other. By the time you had gone back to the team, Wonwoo had about 3 more days to fully rest before the start of their last 3-day show in Chiba.
The team was excited to make things memorable, given that they would be closing the Japan leg of the tour with a total of 9 shows in the country. They were all ready to roll and make the best out of their performance despite the week of rest not being enough to fully rest and recover.
All was going well until Dino had to be rushed to the hospital mid-day of their first show in Chiba due to a bad case of enteritis, causing him to not be able to participate in their show. This caused not only a massive pressure to the team having to adjust their performance and cover for Dino's absence, but also a deep-seated worry for their youngest's condition.
You entered the assembly room where the directors were briefing them as they prepared and that was when you noticed it -- they were exhausted and in pain. You knew the telltale signs, you had seen it with BTS for years and you had seen it with the team having been working with them for two years.
Most of them were being taped up and assisted by the physical therapists to avoid injuries and further strains. Seungcheol was stretching and wincing from body pains. Some were just sitting and enduring as much as they can. The endless schedule had already taken a toll on them.
Wonwoo sat quietly by the assembly room listening intently but as you monitored the footages from the camera directors, you felt something was off with him, too. Cold sweat beaded his forehead and the tremors in his hands were more noticeable than ever. He had been blotting sweat from his face more than he normally does and even the stylists had to blowdry his hair and shirt repeatedly.
It was something you could not ignore as worry started to kick your gut. You approached the stylists' table and requested a box of facial tissue from them and told them you'd take over in helping Wonwoo, given that there were a lot they still had to look after because of the delays that happened that day. They were all grateful for your help and it was not the first time you needed to step in. You did that a lot for BTS before, too.
When you approached Wonwoo, his shoulders sank and he gave you that soft, pleading gaze - those were huge warning signals that he was not at his best. At times like that even before you started officially dating, Wonwoo would lie in the couch and rest his head against a pillow on your lap, and you normally would just brush his hair with your fingers or massage his scalp. This time, though, it was not something you both could do just yet given that the show was just about to start.
"You okay? You're sweating buckets."
"I am okay, just nervous, I guess."
You smiled softly at him, folding a piece of facial tissue and pressing it into his forehead to blot off his sweat. He reached to hold one of your hands, a silent appreciation for being by his side that moment. His hand was cold and clammy and he was not always like that despite the usual tremors in his hand. He held your hand a little tighter, a little more desperate, and tugged you closer to him as if wanting to feel the warmth you emit to ease whatever storm was inside him.
"You need to take it easy today, love. All of you." You maintained a calm, soothing tone in your voice as your styled his hair to dry off some areas drenched with sweat. He closed his eyes, immediately relaxing when he felt your fingers massaging his temples and scalp as he sighed in delight.
"But Dino's not around, we need to do good."
"You are all naturally great, so try and breathe and not worry too much. Just enjoy it, yeah?"
Wonwoo nodded and smiled at you, hands remained glued to you, whether your hands or waist or anything he could reach as if drawing strength from that contact.
About 30 minutes before showtime, the director instructed them to huddle in the backstage for photos and other instructions The air was still tense, but you felt Wonwoo relax a little, until he laced your fingers together, and with a pleading look on his face, whispered, "Stay by my side."
"I am here, always." You laced your fingers tighter as your other hand gently squeezed his biceps until you reached backstage. He reluctantly pulled away, fingers lingering slightly until he already needed to join the members. "Thank you, I'll work hard."
Your bright smile and encouragement were more than enough to boost his confidence, "You got this. Fighting!"
As they got to the stage, you put your producer hat back on, monitoring the footages for the documentary and instructing the head camera director on the types of footages you want. As expected, they were all doing well, fans were enjoying, and it was just the first set. You, however, could not help but notice Wonwoo's unsual tensed, heavy breathing and that made your stomach turn. You tried busying yourself knowing that worrying would not help at all, but as always, your guts were right.
It was just as they left the stage that your heard someone calling you, your assistant producer panting for air. "PD-nim, come quick! It's Wonwoo!"
"What happened?!"
You had never sprinted that quick before in your life. Blood drained your face as you saw your boyfriend lying down on the stretcher in the brink of unconsciousness, surrounded by medics and many other people.
"Filming is not a priority now, make space." You heard one of the medics instruct as he loosened Wonwoo's shirt and lifted his head.
You squeezed into the area and despite being worried, maintained a collected and professional demeanor as to not aggravate how Wonwoo was feeling. He always hated making people worry, hated making you worry.
"You heard the doctors, please make space. Filming is not a priority, please go now."
You requested, keeping your cool but you were slowly losing patience when some staff members filming still pressed on shooting footages of Wonwoo and what was happening, blocking the way of incoming first aid supplies from the medics.
"Didn't you hear? FILMING. IS. NOT. A. PRIORITY. NOW!"
There was that controlled yet heavy emphasis on your words, gazing sharply at the camera men. Some of them finally realized it was you, one of the head producers of the documentary they were shooting the footages, and all backed away as their head camera director reached the area, requesting for them to leave and he would cover.
"Y/N -" Wonwoo croaked, and you immediately rushed towards him, taking his trembling, clammy hand and massaging him to increase the flow of blood. Your heart broke at the sight of him struggling to catch his breath - his face pale, body tensed, and hands cold as ice.
"I'm here, Won, I got you baby..."
You whispered with determined calm, taking the can of portable oxygen the medic handed you and placed it by his nose and mouth. "Take a deep breath, love, slowly... come on."
Wonwoo obliged, brows furrowed as he struggled to steady his breathing and take in as much oxygen. Few moments later, the stage director called out to update that the next set was about to start. You were opposed to letting him back on stage, but you did not speak, it was not up to you. It was Wonwoo's decision. Wonwoo, still so weak started slowly getting up, assisted by the medics. The stylists quickly fetched his change of clothes for the next so he can change. You knelt in front of where he was seated to remove his shoes and switch pants and then assisted him in wearing the shoes again. He was still so weak and it was eating you alive seeing him like that, but he wanted to endure. Standing, he leaned against your body, wrapping his arm around your shoulders as you and his manager helped him towards the stage. You can sense the intensity of his breathing and the pounding of his chest paired with the disappointed look on his face.
"It's okay, Wonwoo." You looked into his in the eyes, trying to hopefully convince him to sit it out and reassure him it's okay if he can't, but his eyes flashed determination to see it through.
"I am okay. I am ready." He said to you and the manager as you handed him to the stage director and the members who were on his side in a blink.
He got back to the stage where he belongs, shining and performing so beautifully, as if nothing happened backstage. You became even more in awe of the man that he is.
Releasing the breath you had been holding, you got back to working. Wonwoo endured and you must, too.
-
"Cancel all the scheduled interviews and shoot we have with the boys tonight and tomorrow."
"What?" Your co-producers released an incredulous gasp at your request.
"They are tired. They are getting sick and they need to rest." There was authority in your voice and even the managers agreed with you.
"But - "
"But what?"
"We have schedules to follow."
You scoffed unamused.
The tension was heavy in the assembly room where you were holding the end of show huddle. Little did you know it all can be heard in the other room where the boys were resting and changing, all ears on the conversations happening and even talking amongst themselves.
"Really? You'd choose the schedule over the safety of the members? You want to see all of them crawling and dragging themselves in the backstage because of how exhausted they all are?"
You stood from you seat and scratched your temple, "I have been telling you this since before we got here. Their schedules are packed, they do not get enough rest. We are not the ones performing on stage and practicing 20 hours a day, they are."
Your voice resounded and the thin, wooden wall separating the rooms did nothing to mask. The members heard you fighting for them, brazenly.
"Look, I am not trying to start a fight, but I sure as hell am willing to spend extra days and hours filming them myself if that means they'd get the chance to rest in between their shows. Allow them to rest and live and survive. That's all I am asking. How about you? How much are you willing to risk their wellbeing?"
Everyone was speechless. Your intention was evident that day - you were not solely focused on Wonwoo, you were also checking on the other members and ensuring your team wasn't bugging them like they did with Wonwoo. You were right and they knew not to question you, because despite worrying over Wonwoo and being in a relationship him, it had always been clear how fair and professional you are in terms of your work.
The meeting adjourned right after that, with the agreement that you'd take over reviewing the filming schedule and carry out the interviews yourself. As always, you were the last to leave the room with all of them dispersing. Packing your items, you left to check on the members in the other room, shocked at how they all rushed towards you, tackling you with their hugs and gushing at how cool you were for what you did. Wonwoo, on the other hand, just smiled and watched you with adoring eyes - his heart swelled in gratitude towards you and your presence.
"Yah! Enough of that! I am the one who's sick!" Your boyfriend playfully shouted, approaching you with a small pout as you all broke into fits laughter.
"Oh, my poor Wonu." You cooed and spread your arms for him, and he immediately threw his body onto yours, his arms looping tight around you and burying his face against your neck. The team acted as though they were gagging seeing you like that, but more than the teasing, you all understood the feeling of relief knowing Wonwoo was already much better.
When you reached the hotel, you went to your room to wash the day away with a warm hot shower. You were prepred to work and adjust the schedule of your docu filming when a sudden knock surprised you. You opened the door and there was Wonwoo, carrying his bag and some of his stuff.
"I'll sleep here." He said nonchalantly, entering your room as you took some of his stuff to help him. His eyes were baggy, forehead tensed, and gaits heavy. He did not need to say anything, the deep connection you have was enough for you to know that he was still carrying what happened.
You nodded and beamed at him, "Okay, I'll prep the shower for you, then."
"Thank you, love." He leaned in and you met him in a tender kiss, letting him fix his stuff as you went to the shower to start running it so the water would be at the perfect temperature for him. You pulled out the extra robe from the cabinet and hung it by the door, and even had the hair blower plugged in for later.
He looked so refreshed and relieved once he stepped out of the shower in the robe, his blue hair still dripping.
"Come here." You muttered; another towel ready at your lap. You pat the spot next to you by the bedside and you shifted your body to face him once he was seated. You wrapped the towel around his head, ever so gently squeezing the water out until it was just damp enough. You took the hair dryer plugged into the socket by the bedside table and stood in between his legs, fingers combing through his locks as you blow-dried his hair. Wonwoo released a relieved sigh as your fingers massaged his scalp, his arms automatically wrapping around you to pull you closer so he can rest his head against your chest.
"Love, you did amazing earlier. Seeing you endure like that for the show was incomprehensible."
"Love -"
You adjusted slightly so you can tilt his head and look him in the eyes. You caressed his cheek softly and he closed his eyes while nuzzling against your touch. He saw that sincerity in your eyes and he knew you weren't just buttering him up to make him feel better. You were never that person, you allow him to feel and be human.
"I know you aren't as satisfied, but everyone loved your performance, especially your carats. And I am so proud of you even though I was dying with worry. You did your absolute best for them, literally risking your life and that says everything."
Wonwoo's heart felt lighter at your words, the frown in his face visibly relaxing as a soft grin tugged the corner of his lips. His hand snaked from your waist towards your nape as he pulled you down to kiss you lovingly.
"It's okay that you are sad now, love. But don't let it eat you up. You still have two shows left, and I am certain you'd also do amazing, and convey your emotions better."
Wonwoo pulled you to the bed and rolled the both of you into the bed and under the duvet, his head resting against your chest, ready to bid the day farewell so he can recharge and greet a new day better and with renewed strength.
"In case I haven't told you recently, I love you, Y/N." He mumbled sleepily but you can hear the smile in his voice.
"In case you it's not obvious, I love you, too, Jeon Wonwoo." You kissed his forehead and continued running your fingers through his locks and massaging his scalp until the two of you drifted off to dreamland.
You'll both be okay, so long as you're together.
Fighting round in circles where is the way out
'Cause I know that our love was hotter than the sun
Yeah, the taste of this tequila I'm drinking now
Isn't bitter than my heart
I want to know our problem, blood type or DNA?
Friends see my feed and worry, do you babe? Yeah
Been waiting for your call every night
But I can't wait no more
Dialing you
Sorry, darling you
You know, without you, I'm so lonely
When you're not here, 911 calling
Into your heat again, I'm diving
Darling you, darling you, baby
You know, without you I'm so lonely
If you won't be here 911 calling
Falling to you I'm always diving
Darling you, darling you, baby
Darlin', with me under the sun
I know that you're my one
I don't wanna let you go
I can't think of being alone
What am I supposed to do?
And I gotta let you know
You got my heart like it's yours
Don't wanna say goodbye
I see you, you see me
I care for you, you care for me
We can be all we need
Promise, I won't take you for granted never
I'mma treat you better
I'mma see you better
So honey, now come into my arms yeah
Kiss me baby
Kiss me baby
-
In 2020, the merger was officially announced, you as one of the regular producers for Hybe became even more active in supporting the bands, mainly BTS and Seventeen.
Your relationship with Wonwoo became more open - to your friends and to colleagues, who did not seem to worry about it. You were grateful that they were understanding of it, knowing it was inevitable. You remained private and away from public scrutiny, given his prestige. You remained professional and it proved to have no impact on deliverables, the relationship even proved to be helpful, with Wonwoo having more energy when working or the team having someone to talk to about their concerns or share their ideas with. The bond grew stronger, both professionally and personally.
The pandemic proved to be rather difficult and took a toll on both groups who have been working non-stop for years. It meant more efforts were put in ensuring that they would all be safe while being able to still produce quality contents for the fans who need them the most.
That was when you gave birth to and pitched your idea -- In the Soop. A show intended to give them time to heal and recover, while allowing fans to still have quality programme and feel some semblance of normality.
ITS was your brainchild specifically designed for BTS and eventually Seventeen, and because of this, you were assigned as an Executive Producer of the show for the first time ever. It was a hit for BTS and then the preparation for Seventeen ITS officially started -- double in size, double the work, double the chaos.
-
You were in the filming set 3 days prior the members, an advanced party to ensure everything was ready - from the location to product placements, and even the activities they had planned out. You were not in your best mood, if you were being honest, as the last night you spent with Wonwoo before you left ended in a bitter note.
The day before your scheduled departure, you had your pre-flight checks with the members and the staff to talk through all the preparations made, ensuring everyone was all set for the filming. Caffeine ran in your blood trying to keep you awake since the previous weeks had been hectic with all the last-minute product sponsorship and placement offers. During the meeting and the dinner after, you had spent most of the time with Joshua, talking about the activities and even suggesting some more stuff that can be added where possible. Normally, Wonwoo did not mind things like this especially when you were at work, but you were confused to see his sour expression throughout the whole meeting and until you drove home to your apartment where he also sometimes stays. The whole drive was quiet, and it was not the usual comfortable silence you usually shared after busy days.
"You alright, babe?" You asked, pouring him a glass of water and handing it over to him. It was a normal routine whenever you got home, a glass of water for the two of you before your usual rituals as he liked to call it. That night, he just nodded at your question and went towards the bedroom, dismissing the water you offered. You immediately knew something was off. It was a very Wonwoo thing to do to just stay quiet whenever he was feeling or dealing with something uncomfortable.
On normal occasions, you would let it pass and give him time to breathe, knowing he always would crawl back to bed and talk about it. You on the other hand, would normally do something special in order to apologise or make amends.
That night was different.
Your body was aching in exhaustion from the past month of juggling work and other matters. Truly, you wanted to spend the night relaxing with him as planned, but he suddenly had the cold shoulder. Your temples throbbed in pain at the thought of something like this occurring before such a busy and special week for the both of you.
Entering the room after about an hour of contemplating, you saw him already washed up and busy with his phone as he lied in the bed.
“Aren't you going to tell me what's wrong?” You asked, tone a little off – brought about many factors and your emotions overwhelming you.
"Nothing's wrong." He pressed, looking at you with the same sour expression he had during dinner, jaw tensed and eyes blank.
"There's obviously something wrong."
Another silence. Another exasperated sigh from him.
"I am fine."
You approached him in the bed, sitting by the edge as you reached out for him to hopefully soothe him. "I don't believe that... let's talk about it..."
"Then don't! There's nothing to talk about."
That was when you snapped. The harsh answer he gave and the way he blatantly avoided you were enough triggers for you to lose it.
You already fought over silly things or concerns couples would normally fight about but nothing lasted more than a day. You always ensured to make up before the day ended, and you did not sleep on any issues you had. This time he was flat out cold and mean, and you were angry and exhausted enough to deal with his attitude.
"I have no energy for this, please." Your gaze was gentle in contrast with his stone-cold expression as his jaw clenched and avoided eye contact. “I am so tired, let’s just –”
"Is it my fault you're tired?!" He cut you off sarcastically, fuelling the your fire until you combusted.
"Did I say it was because of you? You're impossible! You were the one who's been giving me this attitude since this afternoon when all I want is to be with you tonight! If you are tired of this relationship, just fucking tell me and I'll leave instead of you acting like that!" You blurted, breathless, voice laced with both pain and fury, then walked away and slammed the door shut to spend the night in the living room so you both can have some space to cool down.
Your heart felt so heavy you cried yourself to sleep.
You were sleepless that night, tossing and turning in bed, eyes puffy from crying, wondering what went wrong and how things transpired. That morning before leaving, you shook him awake to let him know, and he just groaned, still fast asleep and unable to even pry his eyes open.
While you were busy with preparations, you still wanted to ensure he was alright, but unfortunately, you ended receiving with 1-word updates and responses from him, 'studio', 'home', 'okay'. Aside from that, he completely ignored your calls, either intentionally or when he was busy playing games or packing his stuff for the trip with the members. It was driving you crazy the entire time, but you had massive responsibilities in your plate, and you did not want to bother any other person.
Your heart wasn't cooperating, though. It felt as though a huge brick was sitting atop of your chest while you were working. You thought that maybe you were right, that maybe he wanted out and the thought alone was killing you inside. How could it be? Was it a long time coming? If it was, you were not sure when it started. You were perfectly fine the last few months and everything seemed normal so you could not understand what had gone wrong. These thoughts plagued your mind whenever you weren't distracted by work. You turned your full attention to work, ensuring there was no idle time for you, in the hope to alleviate your fears even just by a fraction.
The last day before their arrival, you were caught up with so much last-minute work, pulling an all-nighter in your cabin to sort some final requests. The staff knew just how huge your role was and just how much effort you poured into this. They wanted to at least ensure you would be able to get some rest because you were doing all the heavy-lifting before it all even started, hence allocating you the small cabin near the upper house.
Your personal phone was left forgotten by the bed since the morning of the last day of preparation. You did not have reason to bring it with you, he had been ignoring you anyway and the quiet of your phone the last two days caused more pain and frustration. Besides, you also considered the crucial bits that had to be done that day required your undivided attention.
Buried in piles of work with your staff and directors until dawn, you missed his numerous calls and messages you never even realised you received.
Your strength waned and your body gave up and succumbed to sleep around 7:00 AM, the day of their scheduled arrival.
You finally caught a bug after draining yourself – falling sick at the first day of shoot.
Great.
Not.
--
Wonwoo was losing his mind.
He had been calling you since the day before their departure – wanting to speak, apologize, or even just hear your voice to bring even a dose of sanity back into his system. He sent you multiple messages asking how you were, whether you were busy, or what you were doing. Even that morning when he left the dorm, he tried calling to tell you he was on his way but was only routed to your voicemail without hearing anything back. He almost reached out to other producers, but it was one thing you both agreed not to do – never involve other staff. The members naturally would be involved or rather involve themselves due to the level of deep relationships you have, but never the other staff members.
Dino noticed the hard expression on his face, eyes tired as he took the reigns in driving to the location. He was tired but it was a way for him to clear his mind and become distracted.
"You alright, hyung? Did you sleep last night?" The youngest inquired, both curious and worried that his older brother might be a little too tired to drive.
"Ah, yes. I am okay. Just stayed up playing games so I only slept couple of hours." He faked a laugh and focused on the road. “Don’t worry.”
"Aish! Oh well, we can sleep as long as we can for a week."
Wonwoo hummed in agreement.
Although, he was not sure on whether he can sleep at all with what's happening between the two of you. He had not been sleeping well since the night of the fight.
-
They arrived at the venue a little past lunchtime, just as you finished preparing for the day. You were in so much pain and craving rest, but it was the most crucial part of the shoot – to welcome them In the Soop.
The cars pulled over the driveway one by one, filling the area with the usual energy the thirteen members always have. The way they bickered and giggled and marvelled at the surroundings echoed around the quiet forest and that strengthened and excited you to leave the room to officially welcome them. It was something they had looked forward to for a long time, knowing just how much they also enjoyed their seniors’ content. You were looking forward to that moment, too, after nearly a year of planning for this to finally happen. All of them greeted you from afar when you left the cabin, bright smiles warming your heart.
The moment you saw Wonwoo leaving the car, it hit you once more just how deeply you love him. Despite what happened, there was a sense of comfort his presence gave. You've been together for two years already and while the initial start of your relationship was all intense outpour of pent-up emotion and affection, it transitioned to a 'calm' type of love when your relationship grew. The love you have is a type of love that one would yearn for – like a hug after a long day, a warm cup of hot chocolate during winter, or a home to go back to after being away – your love has always been a soft place to land. No arguments or misunderstandings could take away the fact that your home would always be each other.
He felt the same - the way he softly looked at you conveyed the things he could not say then.
You never wanted the members to suspect something was happening with the two of you, so you took it upon yourself to get the awkward hello out of the way. You approached Wonwoo and pressed a soft kiss against his cheek and he held you by your waist tightly, no matter how brief it was.
It would suffice for now, you both thought.
Of course, the members noticed something seemed off. It had been three days and normally you would be a bit more affectionate. They expected Wonwoo to run towards you as he always did, hold your hand, or wrap you in his arms. There was none of that and there was an unexplained tension between you.
Beneath your smiles and the excitement as you showed them around the area, you were just trying to power through the pounding headache and nausea, paired with your emotional turmoil. Joshua noticed it first, as always, and then Jeonghan. You had a tired look on your face, sunken eyes, and trembling hands as you instructed them. They immediately knew something was happening, they know you. No one was brave enough to voice it out, though you sensed their worries.
When everyone finally settled down, you retreated to your room to answer emails and send updates to you bosses and to the team, delegating the first parts of the interview snippets that must be completed that day. You were sneezing endlessly and your temperature continued to rise as you pressed on working. Thankfully, the test kit was negative, so you knew it was just a regular bug.
Your time alone did not last too long as Jeonghan barged into your room, asking you about what happened. You denied and told him you were just sick, but Jeonghan did not buy it, so he held you hostage in your room until you finally shared that apart from being sick, the fight with Wonwoo was a huge factor on why you were not at your 100%. He knew the woes of being in a relationship and how it can impact one person, and for that you truly appreciated him.
"I'll ask Shua to bring you food."
"No, I'll be fine."
"Eeehh, I don’t care. Shut up and rest." He insisted, already leaving your cabin to go to the kitchen you assumed.
You caved in and you were only woken up when Joshua's soft voice echoed around the room and the smell of stew wafted through the air. You were leaning down the table napping when he saw you gently stirring awake. You had already lost track of time.
"You okay, Y/N?"
Joshua’s kind eyes widened as he saw you, worry evident in his voice as he placed the pot down, and gently assisted you to a better position. He dashed to get a pillow, placed it on the back of the chair to make it comfortable, and served you the stew he prepared for you.
"Since when are you sick?" He gently asked, handing you a spoon, and placing a hand against your forehead to feel your warm skin.
"This morning, I guess. It's just a bug, I'll be fine with some more sleep."
Joshua had always been caring towards you, like he would with other members. There was something about the way he paid attention to you that you appreciate a lot, but you never gave it another meaning. He has always been a gentle friend and he genuinely cares about everyone.
"Do you want me to call Wonwoo?"
"No, I am okay. Thank you so much, you should get back there. I need you guys in the camera." You managed to laugh before coughing, and he swiftly gave you a glass of water. He smiled gently at you, watching you savour the stew, staying just a little longer and ensuring you’d eat before leaving requested.
“Feel better, Y/N.”
-
Wonwoo saw Jeonghan and Joshua leave your cabin, and that did not help how he was feeling. He saw them preparing meals, and while he did not ask, he assumed it was for you since it was your favourite kimchi stew. Your name also popped up in the conversation as they prepared your meal, talking about you quietly as if hiding something. Instead of asking, Wonwoo chose to be quiet – thinking that your personal issues don't have a place there, you were there to work, after all.
He spent the night with the members, laughing, playing games, and just relaxing until it was time to sleep. You did not hear anything from him that night, but you saw him once you start checking footages when you woke up by the middle of the night. It was a relief to see him like that, resting and enjoying without any pressure despite technically still being at work.
The next day, the team had more free time to laze around or do as they pleased. Wonwoo and Joshua spent more time in the playroom after their brunch, working on their crafts or building blocks. The older member seized the opportunity to speak with your boyfriend, perhaps to gain more understanding of what was happening and why Wonwoo seemed to be in the dark about your situation.
"How's Y/N? Is she feeling better?" Joshua asked, testing the waters and checking whether Wonwoo even knew you were sick. Joshua did not see Wonwoo visit you that morning and not even when you were basically dragging yourself towards the production team to give instructions while you were covered in thick jackets and double masks.
Wonwoo's expression did not lie – there was flinch in his expression coupled with a surprised and worried look no matter how much he tried to hide it, "Yeah. She's okay... just busy." Wonwoo's jaw tensed.
Joshua nodded, fully taking in that it was right you got into a fight and that Wonwoo was unaware you were sick. "That's good to hear. You should spend time together once she's fully recovered. We've the week here, you know. And away from prying eyes, too, except ours of course." Joshua gave Wonwoo a knowing smile, trying to lighten the mood.
Wonwoo smiled and nodded before walking outside the house just in time for Jeonghan to invite him for a walk. He felt weak, knees wobbling at the thought of you sick and upset, and then him unable to explain why he acted such way few nights ago.
Jeonghan and Wonwoo strolled through the woods, appreciating the nature and the privacy of the place despite cameras here and there. The sun peeked through the thick trees and the branches, casting a nice shadow around the trail they were walking on. Every one thought the place was amazing, carefully chosen for them in such a perfect time of the year. Wonwoo wanted to enjoy, but what's happening between you was eating him up for the past few days already.
Wonwoo understood it was only natural for Jeonghan to step in during such situation. He has always and been the team's mom-slash-counsellor, and the reason why he asked him to walk with him was clear – you. Jeonghan has always been such an observant but more than that, he cares a lot about you and Wonwoo separately and together.
"Do you know she's sick?" Jeonghan asked plainly, looking up at his younger brother who just shook his head.
"Yah!" He scolded Wonwoo with a disapproving look on his face and hit his arms. "I had to coerce her to tell me since when she was sick and learned she had not been sleeping well since the fight, too. She needs you now. I don't care what happened, but you need to fix it, you're obviously not okay too, and the show might be impacted because of this."
"I don't know how to start, hyung." Wonwoo mumbled, brows furrowed at he looked at his older brother as if seeking guidance. "She's still angry, I think."
"Aaah, you THINK? How many of her texts and calls did you ignore like she is a nuisance?"
"I tried calling yesterday... just —"
"She's already sick and working her ass off. Her heart was probably heavy, too, not knowing why you suddenly got angry at her." Jeonghan shared, just trying to make Wonwoo realize how much you need his support that moment especially.
"I am not angry."
"Then why did you act that way?"
Wonwoo could not speak. It was too complicated and embarrassing to admit.
They continued walking in silence as Wonwoo pondered on things. Seungcheol saw them and caught-up, and Wonwoo felt even more pressured as though his parents would be telling him off any minute then.
"Y/N looks like a zombie earlier. I got scared I saw her walking to get water in the fridge outside. I did not know she was sick!" Seungcheol chuckled as if amused but Jeonghan gave him the look that made him purse his lips.
"Ah, you fought?" Seungcheol asked Wonwoo.
"Yeah. My fault. I got jealous and was an ass towards her." Wonwoo finally admitted, scratching the back of his neck as Jeonghan and Seungcheol snorted and shook their heads. The couple casually laced their hands together, no fears at all as they savoured the secrecy of the place. Wonwoo’s heart ached, he wanted that, too. He wanted to hold your hands, watch the sunset and the stars with you, and bask in nature with you by his side.
"Do you doubt her? Your relationship?"
"No! Never!" Wonwoo was quick to respond. There was nothing like that. He trusts you wholeheartedly, but he just got insecure somehow, especially with the affection others showed you.
"Then why don't you tell her what's wrong? You know whatever it is, you are both adults, you just need to talk about it. That's what Hannie and I do every time. Just talk, communication is always the key, even though you hate that sometimes."
Seungcheol's advice were always practical and straightforward - an ace of a true leader. He has always been sensitive and considerate, but real blunt when needed.
"Besides," Jeonghan said, his voice softer this time as if trying to coax Wonwoo out of his bubble, "she misses you, but she is waiting and giving you time to come into your senses. Did you know she personally bought the telescope you requested because she wanted it to be special and based on what you really want?"
Wonwoo's eyes widened in surprise, then turned his head down as he answered a meek, "No."
"In the Soop is her baby and she is excited for this turn great, not for herself but for us members. And for you. She has been looking forward to it for months." Seungcheol added. "She'll listen to you whatever it is, Wonwoo, she loves you. You just have to trust yourself and trust her, too."
Guilt was eating Wonwoo inside. It hurt so much to hear that you were sick, and he wasn't even there to ask how you are and look after you. It hurt to hear that your friends know just how much you love him, yet he still acted that way that night. Jeonghan and Seungcheol were right, whatever it was, he needed to fix it. Wallowing in jealousy, fear and pride would not help.
Wonwoo nodded at them and released a deep breath, mumbling a soft thank you to the two.
"Now go, we need time alone." Seungcheol requested with a soft snicker, pointing towards the direction of your cabin. "Good luck."
-
Wonwoo's heart was pounding. He was too scared and anxious on how the conversation will end. There were endless scenarios in his head but most of all, he was frightened that you would really choose to leave. The gloomy weather that followed did not help either. He found himself by the tarp having tea with Minghao, trying to still compose himself before going. And, he did not go to you right away. If he was being honest, he just showered again to buy himself some more time.
Your cabin was secluded just a few steps from the main house, even then, he took slow and careful steps towards it. It was dark inside apart from the warm light coming from the open curtains of your cabin. He knew you were there as the producers forced you to rest the whole day.
He silently approached your door which was slightly ajar and watched you. You were wrapped in blanket with your back facing the door as you browsed your phone and read conversations and missed messages, before locking it and curling up. His heart felt heavy seeing you like that, alone in the dark, sick, and worried. It was another punch in his gut that he could no longer bear.
The room smelt of berries and mint, the way it normally would whenever you just got out of shower. He always loved that smell, it reminds him of home every time, reminds him of you. He even got his own one he used whenever he was on tour and you weren’t with them just so he would not miss you too much. The smell is always a reminder of good times and that no matter how long the road takes him away, you would always be waiting for him. It stirred something inside him – he cannot lose you.
Finally taking a deep breath, he entered the room. You would know those footsteps from anywhere no matter how quiet it was, but even then, you weren't quick enough because in just a blink, the bed dipped as he crawled under the duvet, his arm wrapping around your middle to pull you plush against his body. Your heart clenched and despite everything that happened, his embrace was all you needed. A sudden wash of calm and relief flooded your entire being as if a heavy load was lifted off your chest. Eyes remaining closed, you allowed him to lace your fingers together and pulled him closer, too. No amount of sleep and rest can ever beat his warmth.
"I am sorry, Y/N." He whispered, pressing soft kisses against your shoulders and towards your neck and cheek, feeling him gently sniffling. "I am so sorry." His voice was merely a whisper, as if he was just thinking out loud.
Your heart ached, feeling a drop of his tear that made you turn your body to face him. You met his eyes brimming with tears as his lips quivered. The sight broke your heart. There was something behind those tears, a deeper reason why things turned out the way they did. Just how hurt he looked that moment made you pray to all the gods for them to take those pain away.
"Wonwoo, I am sorry, too." You whispered, wiping the lone tear that cascaded against his beautiful face. Before leaning in closer as he pulled you in to eliminate all the distance between you. He pressed his forehead against yours, closing his eyes as he tried to compose himself.
"I am so scared you'd leave me. I am scared that you would realize others can take better care of you, cook food when you're sick, say all the right things... I am scared you'd realize you deserve someone better." Wonwoo whispered softly, eyes searching yours. He was hurt, jealous, and frustrated, but most of all, anxious. Anxious that you would leave him after what happened and after how he acted. Anxious that he ruined his home.
"Hey, where is this coming from?" You asked soothingly, gently brushing your fingers through his scalp as you tried to get to the root of whatever was causing it.
He hesitated at first, pressing his lips together, unable to form words to explain how he felt.
"It's all okay, you can tell me, my love." You encouraged, massaging the back of his head to soothe him.
"Shua-hyung noticed you were sick. I did not even see it because I was so selfish and jealous. I got so jealous of him that night even though I should not have, I know it was just work. Then yesterday when he cooked for you –” He paused, brows scrunched up in frustration as his voice quivered, "I could not even cook for you, the best I could do is ramyeon, and I was not even here to take care of you when you were really sick!"
Memories of that day came flashing before your eyes. You did not notice that during the meeting Joshua was making you laugh and complimenting you every so often, but Wonwoo saw that. The way Joshua gave you a lingering hug and reminded you take it easy made Wonwoo evaluate whether he was able to give such comfort or whether he had become complacent and too comfortable with the relationship. He thought of all the times he was busy playing games for hours when you might have needed him. He thought of those times when he was not able to pay attention to you because he knew you were just there, and he knew you wouldn't leave. It scared him that he might’ve taken your presence for granted. He always felt the Joshua has feelings for you and he thought about how easy it would be to love such person.
You, on the other hand, never paid attention to such things because all you ever wanted was Wonwoo. That night all you were looking forward to was him alone. He always told you he'd like to be better at things, but you love him as he is. The simple mundane things you do together are more than enough – the way he complains whenever he is losing, the way he silently tangles himself with your body after long days at work, the way you gossip about stuff until the wee hours of the night, the way he brings you home little trinkets from tours whenever you were unable to come with them, and the way he holds you with nothing but soft reminders of just how much he loves you. You could not ask for more than what you both have.
He cupped your face and pressed his lips together, swallowing a lump of tear, "I’ll treat you better, see you better. I’ll be better. I can't lose you and I am terrified the last few days that maybe I just did."
"Wonwoo love, listen to me. I am sorry I made you feel that way. I am sorry that you got scared because of whatever I said or how I acted. To be honest, that night, I just really wanted you. I was looking forward to spending time with you and I was hurt and tired and overwhelmed with emotions. I did not mean to hurt you, baby. I never meant for that to scare you." You poured your heart out as if willing all the pain away as your tears finally escaped. "And I don't care if you can't cook, so long as you promise to wash the dishes and clean up whenever I do." You chuckled softly to lighten the mood which also made him let out a chuckle and nod.
“I am the best dishwashing fairy you can ask for,” He mumbled and pressed a kiss on your forehead.
"You are more than enough for me, Jeon Wonwoo. You take care of me the way I need to be taken care of. Your presence alone is enough. You are my safe place and my best friend. The other things are just… bonus. You are my favourite person since day 1, remember? I chose you, I choose you, and I will keep on choosing you."
Wonwoo's eyes glistened as he soaked up your words that vanished all his worries away. You left him speechless that all he can do was pour all his emotions in a passionate kiss, whispering ceaselessly, "I love you. I love you. I love you so much."
"I love you, too, Jeon Wonwoo."
-
You stayed like that for a few more minutes, tangled against each other as he pressed soft kisses on the top of your head. You breathed him in as if gaining strength from the way he embraced you and every pain the last few days seemed to have healed.
"You're still feverish, love." His deep voice rang in your ears, his hand pressing against and feeling your skin.
"Yeah, you really shouldn't have kissed me. You might get sick." You mumbled, looking up at him to see a softer gaze, calmer expression compared to how he looked earlier. You stayed like that, admiring every feature of his face, from his eyebrows, the perfect slope of his nose, his defined cupid's bow and lips, and those dazzling eyes. You could not help but smile in admiration. He's your home. He always will be.
"Why?" He asked, soft smile tugging against the corners of his lips as he saw you watching him intently.
"You okay now? We okay?" You gazed at those warm dazzling eyes and allowed yourself to get lost in them. His eyes always saw through you and that moment, you hoped he'd also see the sincerity behind everything you told him.
Wonwoo nodded and sighed in relief, pressing a sudden kiss on your lips, "More. than. okay." He mumbled in between pecks which made you chuckle softly, trying to mask the fact that the butterflies on your stomach were fluttering crazily.
"They're going to kill me if you get sick." You mumbled only to be silenced by more kisses and cuddles from him.
"It's a happy virus."
All was well.
Baby, I will be your happiness
You're always on my mind, all the time
Please don't forget this moment
Oh, I can't hide it
Geez, I want to give you all of my heart
Oh my love, warmly call out for me when I'm by your side
I'll only fill you with love
Above that endless sky
This night of stars pouring down
Is looking at you sleeping next to me
Dreaming the same dream and feeling the same way
You see we are spending the same night together
Even if I give you everything in the world
I will never change
Promise me eternity
If you feel the same way as I do
No matter what happens
Don't worry, I'm by your side
Oh, I want to know more about your day with me
Oh my love, you are deeply positioned in my heart
You are the brightest light
In the many grains of sand
I can only find you
I want to protect you who's sleeping next to me in this night
Every moment without you is meaningless, no ooh-oh
Even the reason why I breathe
Is because my heart wants to have you in it
--
BONUS:
“Wonwoo-hyung?” Mingyu’s voice boomed around your cabin, dragging you back to earth from the dreamland after being asleep for a few hours. You stayed up with the members and some managers drinking and chatting until sunrise as it was the only time they got to spend with you. “You here? We need to go by noon!”
Mingyu entered your room upon hearing you grumbling, which caused him to giggle and plop into your bed nonchalantly. “You okay, noona?”
“You’re so loud!” You groaned and pulled a pillow to yourself when Mingyu hogged the cover as if he was about to sleep as well. “Wonwoo, your husband is here!” You yelled sleepily, hoping your boyfriend who was busy in the shower could hear you so you can enjoy the quiet once more.
“Hyung, make it quick! We’ll leave soon.” Mingyu hopped off the bed, walking around the room towards the mirror to fix his clothes. “Wanna tag along, noona?” He asked only to burst out laughing when he saw you glowering at him just as the door opened to your boyfriend who was already dressed and ready for their fishing trip. Wonwoo tried holding back his chuckle at how you looked, lips pressed firmly as she struggled.
“Leave quick, I want to sleep more please.” You groused once more, throwing a pillow at them making Mingyu run towards the door and bid you a teasing goodbye.
Your brows furrowed in the pounding headache, and you swore you were never drinking again. You felt your skull being split into two from the hang-over and you did not even drink that much. You thought maybe that it was because you were sick few days back, but historically, alcohol had always helped you.
“You okay?” Wonwoo asked, worried as he watched you. He had memorized your quirks already – he knows your HO cure like how you know his – but still he could not help but worry.
“Yeah, just headache… need grease…”
“Ack babe, you can no longer hold your liquor.” He teased playfully, already fetching pain killers and a bottle of electrolyte drink for you. “Quick, take this before sleeping again.” He sat by the bed and helped you sit, popping the pill into your mouth, helping you drink, and wiping your lips. “Good girl. Hang-on, I’ll elevate your pillows.” Wonwoo mumbled, adjusting your pillows and tucking you back in a comfortable position so you can sleep more.
“Thank you, love.” You mumbled, eyes closed as you blindly held on to his arm to thank him.
“I’ll buy you grease on our way back.” He smiled and left gentle pecks on your lips and then pulled away to shut the curtains close before making his way out.
You slept for another hour until you needed to get up and work.
And as promised, Wonwoo came back with your HO cure – a nice, meaty beef burger which melted your hang-over immediately.
-
The night went deeper in the forest, but you hadn’t seen Wonwoo for most of the time since he brought your burger. Everyone seemed to be busy with their own stuff with some ruckus from afar. Shaking your head, you turned your attention towards the computer screen, writing reports around footages taken that day for editing reference and arranging the metadata for the snippets.
Like how it has always been with the members, your solitude was broken with a loud banging on your door.
“Noona!” Hoshi greeted ever cheerfully, walking towards you. “Can you help me with something please?”
“Depends.” You chuckled, “What is it?”
Hoshi just smiled mischievously, his eyes completely vanishing as he did so. “Let’s go, I’ll show it to you.”
Surrendering, you nodded and followed him outside your room towards the darker way deeper into the forest.
“What is it, Hoshi?”
“We’re near.” He muttered as you reached the pathway towards the gazebo lit by lanterns.
You were at a loss for words at what you saw next.
“Yaaah, what’s this?” Your heart fluttered against your chest as you tried taking in what was happening.
The members were there, all lined up, each holding a sunflower they handed over to you one by one before walking sideways in a perfect relay. Your cheeks hurt from beaming throughout until you reached Mingyu who was the last one to give you the flower.
“Hope you’re no hung-over anymore, noona.” He winked and gave you the sunflower, then stepped aside to reveal your boyfriend.
Wonwoo stood there holding three sunflowers, a huge, loving smile painted on his face as you took slow steps towards each other.
“What’s this?” You were stunned as you asked the question, hear racing against your ribcage as you met his gaze.
“Y/N, would you go on a date with me? Now?” Wonwoo inquired ever so smoothly, earning loud whooping cheers from the members.
“Of course, I would.” You flushed, taking the flowers he handed over to you, eyes never leaving his chocolate ones.
You looked back at the team to thank them. They waved goodbye, proud of their perfect execution, asking you and Wonwoo to enjoy your time together.
With hands intertwined, Wonwoo led you towards the gazebo now all decked up with lanterns and the telescope you bought for him. A picnic cloth laid in the middle of the gazebo, with two bottles of non-alcoholic sparkling wine and a huge charcuterie board filled with your favourite types cheeses and cold-cuts sitting by.
You were utterly amazed by everything, unable to comprehend how Wonwoo pulled off such surprise once more, and in the middle of the forest to add to that.
Your heart was full, as always, because of him.
“Love…” A dreamy sigh left your lips as you faced him. “How? Why?”
Wonwoo turned bashful but held you closer by your waist, “I’ve always wanted to remake our first ever ‘date’ in the back of my car, and somehow elevate it. This time we can really watch the stars and not just the city lights.”
“Oh Jeon Wonwoo, the man that you are.” Filled with astonishment, you wrapped your arms around his broad shoulders and closed the distance between you, pouring all your emotions in that passionate exchange.
Under the endless velvet sky and glimmering stars, you once again reminded each other that you are feeling the same way and dreaming the same dream, and that if eternity is true, you both can rest in certainty that no matter what happens, you are always each other’s haven and your hearts would always want each other.
---
Thank you for reading, darling. 💗💙
Coming Soon: MAMA 2019 and some real fluffy and steamy Yuletide stuff. 💗💙
#wonwoo smut#wonwoo#wonwoo x reader#wonwoo imagines#seventeen smut#svt x reader#wonwoo fluff#jeon wonwoo#jeon wonwoo x reader#jeon wonwoo smut#seventeen imagines#seventeen#seventeen fanfic#jeongcheol#mingyu#svt smut#jeonwonwoo#idol x reader#wonwoo x reader smut#svt x you#seventeen x reader#seventeen fluff#seventeen fic#svt
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what did you mean by reblogging that post about the uyghur genocide in china? can you elaborate?
Means I agree with what op said
If you want some elaboration with points to jump off, you can read the direct follow up to their post. Check out the notes as well. I think this post (yes, it's a reddit post. There are links within) also has a good summary of some things. I don't really keep a bookmark of better sources but again, you can use the discussions for jumping off points if you like—there's a number of links from both "sides". I highly encourage you to do your own research as there is much back and forth on the issue, but I think you will find that there is a certain... spottiness... a sort of general Lack of substance but a lot Spin when it comes to the mainstream reports/sources you will generally find on the topic.
I think as you read, it can all very shocking to read the reports by the Guardian or the BBC or whoever, and that points to something that I agree with in the post that I reblogged initially: "Of course, any decent person would rather believe a claim of genocide than deny it out of basic morals, and that's part of what makes it so sickening."
I think with what's happening in Palestine, there has been some renewed discussion about various genocides happening globally. I have seen more than one well-meaning post on this site that has included Uyghur genocide on the list of genocides to stand up against. Now I'm not a particularly politically vocal person—have not really ever said much about anything on this blog until more recently—and I've never really posted on "Uyghur genocide", not even when I started this blog during COVID lockdowns and was getting anons harassing me/demanding I answer for such things (something that has died down a lot, either as I have never responded or I blocked all the anons who were doing that), but the charge of "Uyghur genocide" has always weighed very heavily on my mind; first, a couple years ago when I first learned about it, due to the sheer horror at the idea; then as I started to periodically look into it, due to a sense of guilt over the possibility that my increasing suspicion of its falsity was a sign that I was falling complicit to covering something up. But frankly I don't think that's the case. But, it really is fucked up and vile and I thought OP of the post in question summed up exactly the root of that particular emotional facet.
My own two cents (what little that it's worth) is that in the harshest light possible, you could say that there's a likelihood that human rights abuses have been committed in some cases in the broader deradicalisation effort the government has implemented. I do think that that there is likely a level of prejudice or at least an othering of especially those who live in rural Xinjiang or in bordertowns far removed from the cities (regular rural alienation in other words). Obviously none of this is "good" and should be ignored or deemed necessarily acceptable, but none of it is genocide, either. And by overshadowing any police mistreatment or such with a charge as serious as genocide, it also does a real disservice in terms of rectifying anything short of it (including the claim of "cultural genocide").
That's all I have to say about it really.
Edit: fixed typos
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Beatles Reading List (Introductory)
Hi guys. So I saw a post floating around asking about "where to start" with the Beatles and how to find out more about them. Moeexyz's recommendation on it was to read fanfiction and this alarmed me a bit. Fanfiction just isn't a good source to get information about the band for one simple reason: fanfic authors change stuff for dramatic purposes all the time. It's just not a great way to get more information about them because fanfiction by necessity shifts things around for the sake of storytelling.
That Beatles iceberg is nice but the only way you're going to get a good picture of the Beatles is by doing a lot of reading of published sources. That's right. You're in for a lot of homework.
In an effort to combat misinformation, I asked the McLennon discord server to help me put together a rough list of introductory level books for Beatle fans that want to learn more about the band. These books are either a) read by me or b) read by someone I trust and I have included her quotes about the books she liked. I'll have color commentary talking about what they are and why they should be read.
I do not consider this post finished! My server is constantly reading and discussing (we're looking at podcasts right now because they're the ones doing interviews with Liverpool citizens who were peers of the Beatles!) and they're being very gracious by contributing to this list. That means that this post may be updated in the future as I read more! If you want to keep up with updates then give my blog a follow, I'll post every time I update this list.
Some of these books are available on Archive.org but others can be gotten through your local library or through piracy. If you buy something, buy it used. Never pay more than $20 for a Beatle book.
The Whole Story
Anthology
This is the documentary made by the band after John Lennon's death in 1980. It is both a documentary as well as a book (essentially a script of the documentary) which makes it very accessible. This is the version of the story that the band wanted to put out and includes interviews with Paul, George, and Ringo. They cover their beginning to their end.
Anthology can be found on archive.org if you want to read it: https://archive.org/details/beatlesanthology0000unse_y2k8
The episodes are also available on Archive.org. If you search for "Beatles Anthology" and select "movies" option to search for videos then you will find it there. It's worth the watch and is all around the best introduction to the Beatles.
The Beatles - Hunter Davies
This is the only sanctioned biography of the band. It's written in older language since it is contemporary to the 1960s but it's still very readable and a good intro. It is part of the media image that the band wanted to present at the time so you should make sure to think about what you are reading, who is saying what, and contemplate why he is saying it. It it still a great resource.
150 Glimpses of the Beatles - Craig Brown
This is a short book that describes 150 anecdotes about the Beatles and what it was like to experience them. I recommend this because it demonstrates what a unique and personal experience the Beatles are while also demonstrating their global reach and how they became the most famous rock band in the world. It's a short read but a good one and there are many charming and thought provoking anecdotes in it. The story of the Beatles is just as much about their fans as it is about the band and you cannot understand one without looking at the other.
Books About Each Beatle
This particular section is a bit of a minefield. Many books written about the Beatles are of questionable veracity or just out and out wrong. (I can think of two that were written as blatant cash grabs and filled with libel that someone should have been sued over.) My recommendations on this may change so please check back from time to time!
John Lennon
The John Lennon Letters - John Lennon, edited by Hunter Davies
Primary source documents of the various letters and missives John wrote through his life. This may be the most important book on the list because it shows us who John really is: just another ordinary guy like us, trying to get through life. Also gives insight into his mindset as the decades pressed on.
The Making of John Lennon - Francis Kenny
This is a very vital and heartbreaking read for people who want more insight into John. John Lennon is the most famous Beatle but he is also the one who's image is the most obscured and distorted. Francis Kenny is a Liverpool native who puts John in his proper context. To quote my server friend who read this one:
Kenny, himself a Liverpudlian, takes into account how life in Liverpool in the first half of the 20th century shaped not only John but everyone he knew and his entire family. Mimi and Julia get a good critical view, and Uncle George gets his moment in the sun. He also lays out how class divides affected the Stanleys and then how Mimi took it out on John and Julia. He quotes a 1880s travel guide of London that said Liverpool was called "the New York of Europe," because of its economy and place on the ocean, and like in the Gilded Age New York that was happening concurrently across the ocean, Liverpool had pockets of wealth and splendor surrounded by poverty and rough living.
Definitely a pro-read and a great insight into the culture and time John lived in. It does not fall into the pitfalls of hero worshipping John but Francis Kenny still treats John with sympathy and respect, hard qualities to come by when it comes to the cashgrabs written about John and his family.
John - Cynthia Lennon
John's first wife, Cynthia, wrote two autobiographies about herself and John. This is one of them. It's a tough read in many places but a good one. Hers is a voice that doesn't shy away from John's flaws and actions but she also takes care to tell us why she and so many other people love him and remain loyal to him.
Paul McCartney
Many Years From Now - Barry Miles
This is Paul's only sanctioned biography. It is formatted as a quasi-interview with Paul where there are interruptions of regular prose in each chapter. There are eyebrow raising moments where you can tell Paul is not quite telling the truth but it's important to read and identify these moments since Paul's habit of embroidering the truth is important to know and understand. Nonetheless it is still a lot more honest than I was expecting when I read it.
Paul McCartney: A Life - Peter Ames Carlin
Probably the best Paul McCartney biography on the market. Peter Ames Carlin also did a similarly great bio of Paul Simon for people who are into that. To quote my friend Betty who read it:
Paul gets to be a whole person here: the preternaturally talented boy wonder, the guy casting around for meaning, the less than attractive moments and qualities described without getting preachy or turning to [Paul Derangement Syndrome]. Carlin treats him with dignity instead of something to be gawked at and gossiped about. His (many) sources are cited at the end of the book. What I really appreciated was the ideas he put forth that I've only seen on Tumblr and not in Serious Official Biographies, which says to me he's writing as a fan and scholar and not a journalist trying to fill column inches.
George Harrison
I Me Mine - George Harrison
Make sure to get the extended edition! George Harrison in his own words. There's a lot to say about this biography but it won't make much sense without context so I just encourage you to read it. George Harrison was, in my opinion, the best Beatle.
George Harrison: Behind the Locked Door - Graeme Thomson
A good no bullshit biography about George Harrison. This covers his life as the material musician and the man seeking the divine. Graeme worked very hard to be respectful of George and his life, did extensive interviews with George's wife Olivia. Such a pro-read and definitely the best George biography written to date.
Ringo Starr
Photograph - Ringo Starr
Ringo has stated that this book is his autobiography. In a few bumpers on the Beatles Sirius XM channel Ringo says that he doesn't want to write a biography like the others did but he was happy with putting this photobook together and essentially writing a bio through the captions. This is the closest that we will get for a biography for him as of right now. In time that may change but this is your best option. Piracy is the way to go when it comes to getting a copy of this, iirc it was a limited run and getting a physical copy might be very expensive these days.
Brian Epstein
A Cellarful of Noise - Brian Epstein/Derek Taylor
This autobiography was ghostwritten by Brian's assistant Derek Taylor. It's not a tell-all but Brian talks about his youth and how he met the Beatles, including giving his own personal (and accurate) insights into each band member.
Conclusion
There are many, many books about the Beatles. Almost all of them offer something but most are about very niche periods in the Beatles history. When it comes to understanding the band I tried to put together a list where you can get an overview of the band and then read materials that either come straight from the Beatle in question or are not as biased as the competition. I am a McLennon shipper but for a post like this I did my best to recommend books that don't have that kind of bias in them so this is a list you can send to non-shipper friends haha.
In another post I will put together a history book list in the order of their timeline as a band, starting from the Quarrymen and on to the present. There is a LOT of ground to cover in a historical arrangement and it will take a while to compile. Please check back here regularly or give me a follow: whenever I update this post or make a new list, I'll make sure to post about it.
My plan is to make a website with all of this information that anyone can reference but it will take a long long time to make such a thing so put a pin in that one.
#the beatles#john lennon#paul mccartney#george harrison#ringo starr#richard starkey#brian epstein#beatles merch#beatles books#book recommendations#book recs
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NANA — huh yunjin
WARNING — fluff, swearing
★☆
huh yunjin was conflicted.
she’s never liked someone so much, like she feels like it’s actually concerning how much she likes you.
you’re the leader of new jeans just two years younger, she never thought that she would actually like someone younger than her and despite you being younger than her you actually intimidate the hell out of her.
she just thinks that the way you got so popular so quickly is a little scary I mean global vivienne westwood ambassador only five months after debut ?!
that’s crazy.
should she also mention that you’re her best friend jimin’s little sister ?
“oh my god.” yunjin looks up as he best friend dramatically flops at the end of her bed. “yn is driving me crazy.”
yunjin stomach turns just at your name. “how ?” she asks.
jimin sits up and looks at her. “I’ve seen my little sister’s face my whole life, and I love yn but when I become an idol it was a little nice to have a break from her, but now I see her face EVERYWHERE I mean billboards, poster, on my social media.”
as jimin continues to rant about you, yunjin gets lost in her thoughts I mean jimin wasn’t wrong your face was everywhere not that yunjin was complaining she loves seeing your face, well sorta, how is she supposed to try to get over her best friends little sister if she sees her everywhere ?
“BUSES I MEAN BUSES YUN.” yunjin snaps out of her thoughts as jimin finally stops her ranting.
“but that’s besides the point, I was talking to her this morning and why didn’t you tell me you guys were doing a duet on kbs ?” we are ? “she told me her manager told her this morning.”
“uhhh…” yunjin trails off trying to find an answer did her manager tell her and she just wasn’t paying attention ? probably
“that doesn’t matter.” jimin cut her off. “ I came here to tell you no funny business.”
“what do you mean ?”
jimin let’s out a deep sigh “I MEAN no funny business, no flirting, no touching no nothing, just singing, I know how you are yunjin.”
“I cannot have my best friend dating my little sister, first you’re the only thing I have that she doesn’t and also if something happens I’d be put in the middle.”
she then wraps her arms around yunjin. “ so no funny business right ?”
“yeah.”
“so what songs do you have in mind ?”
yunjin heart flutters as you smile at her.
she’s so pretty
I wonder how it would be if we were dating
“um hello ?” you wave your hand in her face.
“um sorry.” yunjin stutters as she scrambles to get her notebook, her cheek heating up in embarrassment.
“it’s okay.” you laugh, you look down at her notebook. “so, have any ideas?”
“um so I wrote down some songs like, kingston by faye, lover by taylor we could also do gorgeous by Taylor.”
“so love songs ?” you ask cutting off her rambling.
“um no..” yunjin trails off looking at her notebook. “there’s… uhh… yeah love songs.”
“sorry.”
“no it’s okay I was just teasing you.”
“you could tease me anytime you want.”
“what ?”
“huh, what ? nothing, i didn’t say anything.”
“um okay.” you laugh. “how about we do the last one on your list.”
yunjin looks at the last song and her face heats up “sofia ? are you sure.”
“I’m sure.” you say “I’ve listen to it sometimes it’s a good song to cover.”
“yea okay, sure let’s do it.”
you and her spent the rest of the next couple weeks splitting up lines and practicing and yunjin felt herself falling for you even more.
today was the day you guys actually film the duet.
“I’m nervous.” she whispers to you.
“don’t be.” you wrap your arms around her’s “we will do amazing especially you.”
wow are you trying to kill her.
“really.”
“I wouldn’t be saying it if I didn’t believe what I was saying.”
“actually.” you turn away from her and and pick up a little box. “I have something for you.” you give the box to her.
yunjin brushes her fingers over the lettering on the box Vivienne Westwood.
she opens the box to see two necklaces, obviously it was the icon westwood planets but hanging on one was a little strawberry and the other had a black star.
I’m in love could she get any better ?
“they’re for both me and you.” you say as you pick up the one with the strawberry hanging on it. “help me put it on.”
yunjin gently puts the necklace on you turning herself around implying she wants you to put hers on as well.
after you finish putting hers on, you turn her around and wrap your arms around her.
yunjin freezes.
“no touching” it’s not like I’m the one touching her so it shouldn’t matter right ?
“are you ready?” you ask her, letting her go.
“yep.”
“good.” you grab one of her hands and pull to to the set. “let’s do this.”
yeah let’s do this
the cover was a hit, fans were going crazy over not only the song choice but the necklaces ? thats what confused yunjin weren’t they just cute necklaces with charms ?
NEW JEANS YN AND LESSERAFIMS YUNJIN GO VIRAL OVER COUPLE NECKLACES.
the duo was seen in their hit cover wearing vivienne Westwood’s new exclusive couple NANA necklaces.
fans were already spiralling about the song choice but the necklaces are just the icing on the cake.
which leaves us wondering are is the yn of newjeans dating lesserafims yunjin ?
I guess they weren’t.
yn you sneaky little shit.
“YOU’RE DATING YN UNNIE.” eunchae barges into yunjin room.
“NO.”
“then why are you guys wearing exclusive couple necklaces ?” eunchae asks her facial expression says I just caught you in a lie.
ding (yunjin’s phone.)
“I’ll explain later.” yunjin pushes eunchae out her room and locks the door ignoring eunchae protests.
yunjin picks up at the phone and her heart drops.
jimin bae 😜
sofia by clairo ? couple necklaces?
oh shit
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As someone who’s done bereavement care for almost 20 years, I’ve observed again and again and again that it is not staying with grief that cuts us off from other people, it’s suffocating grief and suppressing grief. It’s impossible to repress grief without also repressing all sorts of other things like joy and memory. Actually, expressing grief naturally connects us empathetically to other people. It is not an accident that right now when there is such a profound suppression of global grief, we’re also finding ourselves in a moment of such isolation.
Rabbi Elliot Kukla, in them magazine
I sought out this piece because Rabbi Kukla was quoted in today's sermon in reference to the ongoing genocide in Gaza ("It is lifesaving to mourn our humanity in inhumane times").
But this paragraph about grief hit me so hard I wanted to single it out to share. It is relevant to corporate grief of the sort we might experience when a state is doing harm in our name (police brutality, displacement, execution). It is also relevant to individual griefs.
In the bereavement calls I do for hospice, I have noticed, this is precisely what gets people stuck in grief: the feeling that there is no safe space and time to express grief. Companies tend to give very little accommodation for bereavement, if they give any at all. Culturally we're expected to get over losses in a matter of days. But grief rewires us, and some losses-- particularly losses like war, displacement, and police brutality where a state or institution does the same kind of harm repeatedly-- are complex and ongoing.
Grief impacts sleeping, eating, executive function. (I don't ask people in bereavement calls, "How are you doing?" I ask, "How are you sleeping?" "How's your appetite?" Maybe "Are there moments from your caregiving, or from your [loved one's] dying, that keep coming up for you?" Because of course you're not fine! You just lost someone essential to you. What I want to know is, is your body getting a chance to repair itself as your mind and heart process what you've experienced?)
People have talked to me after a loss about feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by daily life. It's not unlike recovering from a major injury and having a sizable portion of your bandwidth given over at all times to the tasks of bone, muscle, and nerve repair that are not under your conscious control. When tasks you're used to thinking of as having one part suddenly make it clear how complex they are? Cooking a meal takes more out of you. Doing a load of laundry takes more out of you. If you're already an introvert, the cost of social engagement goes up, at a time when social engagement might actually be very helpful.
Doing some of our grief work with other trusted people shares the load. It recovers some bandwidth. But many folks learn early in the grieving process that they have fewer trusted people than they thought. Or that it feels like the wrong time to deepen an acquaintanceship they'd hoped might become a friendship. Or that they aren't as comfortable asking loved ones for help as they thought they would be.
And the bereavement model I'm trained in assumes that a grieving person has experienced one recent loss. We know that a recent loss might poke us in the tender spots left by earlier losses. But that's still different from the experience of a tragedy that affects a whole community at once (as in an entire region's population losing multiple loved ones in a very short time and being forced to flee).
I don't really have a conclusion here, but I'm finding the activism that feels most healing and hope-filled to me has lament built into it: a chance to name the people who've died in our county's jail, while advocating for better communication with families of people inside. A chance to call out the names of people lost to covid while advocating for policies that will mitigate risk to vulnerable people.
Maybe it takes days to name all the people impacted by ongoing genocides in Congo, Palestine, Yemen, while urging our government to end its role in those genocides. Maybe our systems and structures, which aren't even good at honoring our grief for members of the nuclear family we're taught is our primary world, are disinclined to give us that time. Maybe we ought to take it anyway.
#this is not about my favorite silly little pirate show#except insofar as ofmd touches on grief / and actions to preserve the show acknowledge the grief we feel losing something meaningful#grief is the shape our love takes when we lose someone or something we love#and we should be able to name that person or thing#i'm never going to stop being mad at managers / well-meaning acquaintances who tell my clients 'it's been a while; you should move on'#seriously fuck all the way off with that; whoever hurt you / don't pass that hurt on#a person who is grieving is a person who has the capacity for love and care / and that capacity ought to be nurtured#because it's the basis of mutual aid / support / positive action / and a whole host of other things we need more of#anyway: strive to be a person who is safe to grieve around#and strive to be a person who is not too cool to care about anyone or anything#and if you wind up in any kind of position of influence or authority someday? make your environment more supportive to people in grief#grief care#community trauma
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Sorry to bring back up the Titan submersible, but I find it fascinating in a very morbid way. Mostly in terms of the news. This will be the media student in me talking but to me, it’s a perfect example of so many of Galtung and Ruge’s news values. I’ll also be looking at the migrant boat that sunk off the coast of Greece for similar comparison and why an American centric website would probably see more news relating to the submersible.
Put simply, one of Galtung and Ruge’s news values is proximity, aka how close to home it was and how meaningful it is to the people there. Since the submersible launched from Newfoundland, Canada would’ve gotten more news stories about the submersible. Meanwhile, the boat with the immigrants was found off the coast of Greece, with more stories about it there. Since the USA is closer to Canada than Greece, they got more stories about the sub than the boat.
Another value is currency. This is why me, a Brit, got more news coverage on the boat for the first few days. The UK has a known immigration problem and some really dodgy laws about it (basically in most circumstances you can only apply for a permit once you’re in the country but entering the country without a permit is illegal, so it’s a catch 22), so something about immigration would always be more relevant. However, the antithesis recency would affect how in the last few hours of the sub being missing when the air was thought to be running out (so morning and afternoon of 22nd June) there were more stories on the sub.
A fourth value is uniqueness. Sadly, a migrant ship sinking with people dying and going missing is not an uncommon thing nowadays. A maritime disaster involving billionaires touring the Titanic? Never happened before, I hope it will never happen again (and it most likely will not). Of course the news will focus on something that hasn’t happened before - when will they get the chance to do it?
There’s also the values of Elite People. These people were billionaires. The people on the migrant ship were most likely just normal unnoteworthy people. And also recency - the Messenia boat occurred in the 14th June, and by the time the debris of the boat had been discovered it has already been a week.
I think it is important we take these news values into consideration and also how we as a community on Tumblr can see how we played right into these. An American website with a large American usership would naturally gravitate towards an American story, no matter how global it claims to be. In addition, it’s unusual enough with such strange circumstances that jokes and criticisms were bound to occur. The continuity (another news value) of the story with the search was also intriguing, as we saw it play out first hand with the initial disappearance, the potential signals, the discovery of the wreckage. Add in a level of expectedness (another news value - these people would either be found or not, and let’s be honest they were more likely to be dead than alive) and we have a perfectly newsworthy story to top the trending page for a few days.
It’s something I find fascinating, how despite people saying we should focus on the Messenia migrant boat disaster, we were still echoing the news perfectly on the site. One thing I’ve noted is that I didn’t really see anybody mentioning it before the Titan set out, but once the searching started it started becoming more relevant and trending a little below it. This isn’t a call to do better, this is just something I’ve noticed.
If there’s any saving light, out of the estimated 750 (maximum) of migrants, 104 have been confirmed alive and rescued. And I’m so happy for that.
#con(versation)#greece#migrants#titanic#titan submersible#news values#galtung and ruge#seriously though tumblr look into news values if you want to know what we consume in the news#anyway it’s all old news now there’s a coup in russia
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Does bill have "a type"? Since you said he only dates every millennium, what kinds of stuff would catch this lunatic's eye? What would motivate him?
You're getting a read more because I listed every single blessed thing I could think of. The tl;dr:
artists (who depict him)
hot eyeballs (subjective)
no head
bright natural coloration
emotional doormats
party animals
nerds, provided they're also attractive other ways
worshipers
things that can injure him
getting gifts
someone who expresses interest first but lets him take the lead
really tacky expensive displays of wasting wealth
someone he thinks is similar enough to "understand" him
This is the first point because it's the answer he'd give: if you ASK him, he'll say he's "a complete sucker for those deep, brooding artist types." He'll say this like it's his biggest weakness. He says it like it's a charming little character flaw. This is the narrative he tells himself. What he ACTUALLY means is if you hit on him, and if you have created art of him (visual art, sculpture, music, poetry), the odds that he'll return the interest go up by 1000%. He is incredibly vain, he loves art of himself, and "willing to give Bill art of himself" is an insanely attractive trait.
Some species have sexy eyeballs. Other species don't. It just so happens that Earth, as a whole, has evolved an array of eyeballs that are by and large pretty sexy when compared to the multiversal baseline. Those little, like, thready filament things in the irises? Mesmerizing. Visible veins?? Drive him crazy. Bloodshot eyes? Gonna be haunting his fantasies for weeks. Top tier is those frog eyes with multiple colors or crazy crackly-looking patterns.
He's not a fan of heads. Like, when a species puts a face on a little bobbly looking thing separated from the rest of the body, rather than right on the torso where it belongs? Looks weird. It's not a dealbreaker but he's definitely more attracted to species that put their faces where they belong. Similarly, a mouth without an eye in it looks weird.
Big fan of bright colors. You know what's attractive? Looking like Lisa Frank colored you. Wearing bright colors isn't as good as being bright colors, but he still finds wearing bright colors to be an attractive trait.
If you combine the last three points, I think that I accidentally made Bill's ideal lover a poison dart frog.
Usually at some point pretty early in the dating process he's gonna say something like "Just so you know—really, I'm not as bad as all the rumors and gossip and ancient legends and globally-broadcasted warning PSAs make me sound. But: I am totally crazy. You wanna stick with me, you've gotta be cool with crazy." What he's looking for is someone who says "oh I am SO cool with crazy, I am the MOST cool with crazy, crazy is GREAT." When he says this, he's not saying "I'm actually mentally ill and need someone who's supportive and understanding." He's also not saying "I'm a wild crazy fun party guy and I want a partner who can keep up with that lifestyle." What he's saying is "I am an inconsistent and inconsiderate asshole who will show no regard for you, and in a year when you're complaining about the selfish harmful things I'm doing, I'll get to roll my eye and go 'I THOUGHT you SAID you were COOL with crazy. Are you NOT cool with crazy??' And then I'll complain about you to my friends." So: he'll focus on naive emotional doormats he can push around. He'll probably draw back from someone who stands up to him, unless he got seriously interested in them before they grew a spine.
But that said, he is also more likely to show interest in people who can keep up with his lifestyle. He parties with apocalypse machines. If he sees an alien at a party where three absolutely wasted demigods started mixing sink chemicals and accidentally set off a big bang that took out half the neighborhood, and the next weekend he sees that alien at another party? That means they party hard, they don't scare easy, they don't die easy, and they avoided the cops. That's somebody he wants to spend time with. If they're not lover material, they might be Henchmaniac material. Similar opinions on substance use and mass destruction a plus.
He's kinda into nerds. Not in and of themselves, but if they already hit other traits he likes, that's a plus. If he has a choice between two identical people and one's dumb as a rock, he prefers the one who knows lots of things and likes to share facts and trivia. Bill goes for long, long stretches without feeling curiosity, and those stretches typically coincide with when he feels most depressed; someone who can drive him to think a little bit is a godsend.
If someone literally worships him, like as a god, he's into that. It's not partner material but he'll put a star next to their name in his booty call list.
Any novel Extreme Sensations, he likes. Particularly pain. Not a lot of stuff can hurt him in his true form. If someone can make him feel pain, that's interesting to him. Not even necessarily in a BDSM way. If holding someone's hand feels like being electrocuted, or they give off a gas that makes everything too loud and makes him see weird colors? That's someone he wants to touch.
I think I've just added another trait to the "poison dart frog" column.
His love language is gifts & favors, both giving and receiving. If somebody gives him a gift, he'll remember them positively. Even if it's a kinda lame gift. It makes him feel liked. Roses & chocolates would work on him.
He's not liable to be the first to express interest, because he finds being rejected utterly devastating. On the other hand, he prefers to take the lead/call the shots in a relationship. So if somebody lets it be known that they're interested in him, but then hangs back to allow him to make the first move? Appealing.
He's a sucker for gold and tacky displays of wealth. Like he's sort of disgusted by wealthy people, but he's very into wealth. If you're rich have fun with it. If you're not ordering a $900 sundae coated with gold leaf just because you can then what's the POINT. Also, Bill is tacky. If some multidimensional billionaire decides to show an interest in him by gifting him an extremely ugly diamond-covered top hat, he'd probably let them do things to him that he wouldn't even confess to his doctor. (He doesn't have a doctor but.) I think what this boils down to is that he's only into rich people who are living like they want to go broke as soon as possible.
He goes through most of his existence feeling like Nobody Understands Him. Part of this is because he's bad at communicating his sincere feelings & emotional needs and even worse at relating to or caring about other people; but part of it is just because there's not a whole lot of people who can directly relate to "my ambition drove me to destroy my entire universe and ever since then I've been grappling with the paralyzing guilt while struggling to find a new universe." So when he DOES meet somebody who he believes can really, truly understand him the way most people can't? He emotionally latches onto them HARD. Not necessarily romantically, but it easily could be. This is last on the list but probably the most important point to getting a genuine emotional connection rather than fleeting physical attraction from him.
Example that hits multiple of the above points: one of his longest & most emotionally meaningful relationships was with a sentient black hole who—quite literally—destroys anyone who gets too close to her, and is constantly wracked with chronic pain due to being a fucking black hole. She did poetry at open mic nights. She'd go up to a mic and say something like "this poem is called The Taste Of Unwillingly Consuming The Solar System You Called Your Home" and then scream into the microphone for five minutes without pause. Bill was like "she's the only one in the multiverse who Gets It." He is a sucker for brooding artists. She let him get away with unspeakable things because he's one of the only entities powerful enough to get physically close to her and survive. Which was incredibly painful, but hey, he was into that too.
Maybe they'd still be together if she looked like a frog.
#(and it's more like once every million years. but that's ON AVERAGE not a schedule)#(like he might have three partners in a millennium but then a billion year dry spell)#anonymous#ask#about my writing#bill goldilocks cipher
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Good boy by 28sunflowers | E | 2768
Harry is startled out of his thoughts by the needle going over one of his ribs. Thankfully, he catches himself and manages to stay still, but accidentally lets out a whimper at the unexpected stronger burn. He exhales slowly when Louis takes the gun off his skin, trying to remain calm.
“Good boy,” Louis tells him automatically, giving him a pat to the hip.
Soft Wings by kingsofeverything | G | 4375
Harry is a Dolly Parton fan who wants to get a tattoo in tribute to her. Louis is the tattoo artist.
take your whole life then you put a line through it by sunflower_lwt | M | 5332
an AU with trans harry, an all-knowing cousin, and tattoo artist louis.
lemongrass and sleep by moonshinelouis | E | 5370
Louis is a tattoo artist and Harry wants a rose tattoo.
I See Your Colours and I'm Dying of Thirst by taking_sweet_time | nr | 6244
Harry asks Louis for a tattoo, but forgets to mention that he's got a little bit of a... problem when it comes getting inked. Shenanigans ensue.
Or, a very dumb fic about Harry's fucking whale (maybe) tattoo.
Makes Me Feel Alive by hazzahtomlinson | E | 8372
Louis hated when people came in to get tattooed and couldn’t sit still— bunch of fucking squares is what they were. If only that had been the issue for his newest client.
A Simple Twisted Fate by Cyantific | E | 18125
Global rock star Harry Styles has some time to kill between tour dates and stumbles into a Doncaster tattoo shop with a desire for some new ink. He has a few other desires as well, but those he must keep to himself.
Louis Tomlinson, owner of Twisted Fate Tattoos, has seen enough of the tabloids and thinks he knows everything there is to know about this world-famous rock star, and he’s not impressed.
Harry may be one of the world's biggest stars known for a lavish lifestyle, crazy parties and entourages of women wherever he goes, but he’s more than just what his image and wild reputation suggests.
Things take an interesting turn when Louis finds out he’s been helping satisfy Harry’s voracious pain kink. Bet he'd love to know that not only is Louis a gifted tattoo artist, but an experienced Dom as well. Perhaps they both have something to learn from each other, if only Louis would give Harry a chance. Maybe their paths crossing was more than just a twist of fate, but the universe’s plan all along.
Necessity is the mother of invention by words_of_my_own | E | 87502
Louis is the owner of a couple of tattoo studios that are not for tattooing purposes only.
Harry works as a policeofficer and infiltrator, currently on a case that really only should be straight forward.
What happens when things aren't what they seem, morals come into play, and when you fall in love with the one person you just shouldn't?
no hand on the reign by tempolarriefics | E | 137051
Then, he sees it. His eyes lock on the tattoo and he sucks in a sharp breath, unable to look away. His brain screeches to a halt, and not just because of the sight that is a half-naked Harry.
There, on Harry’s outer arm, is an intricate tattoo of a large ship. A large ship which perfectly complements the compass tattoo hidden on Louis’ own forearm.
“It’s that one.” Louis breathes, reaching out a shaky finger to point to the ship on Harry’s left outer arm.
“You’re sure?” Harry asks.
Louis nods. He’s never been more sure of anything in his life.
He has found his soulmate.
Or, a twist on a soulmate au where louis is a newly independent tattoo artist and harry just wants his soulmate tattoo removed. Of course, they're soulmates.
#tattoos#tempolarriefics#words_of_my_own#cyantific#hazzahtomlinson#taking_sweet_time#sunflower_lwt#kingsofeverything#28sunflowers#good boy#Soft Wings#take your whole life then you put a line through it#lemongrass and sleep#I See Your Colours and I'm Dying of Thirst#Makes Me Feel Alive#A Simple Twisted Fate#Necessity is the mother of invention#no hand on the reign#moonshinelouis
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one of the biggest suckiest things abt being A Jew during these trying times is finding out just how deeply antisemitic the ppl u care about can be, often without their even realizing it.
like, i (perhaps naively) truly believe that people are not Like This out of a conscious hatred for us. a lot of the folks i associate w are young, many of whom are fresh out of their teens (much like me, i've only been in my 20s for 3 shitty, shitty years in which i had little ability to meaningfully interact with the Adult World hello lockdown) or freshly minted adults, and a LOT likely haven't had much contact with jews outside of... well... me. and while u can certainly talk the talk of being pro-jew, walking the walk requires confronting some real nasty realities abt oneself and the world one lives in and the inherent biases it instills and idk if many young folks are entirely willing to do that confronting outside of surface-level stuff.
like, rather than actively work to avoid using and/or spreading extremely common antisemitic tropes (shit like rootless cosmopolitan, khazar theory, Lizard People Ruling the World, dual loyalty, etc) their activism is often limited to "happy hanukkah!" and "gee the holocaust was bad wasn't it? glad that's over" when it comes to fighting antisemitism. So i end up seeing ppl i thought i could trust 2 care abt my safety as a diaspora jew literally spreading deeply harmful antisemitic rhetoric and refusing to confront it. and i'm terrified of saying to them directly "hey this is antisemitic" because i have SEEN what happens to jews who do that with goyische activists and it's never pretty (for the jews, that is.). and while part of me feels like i should just leave these circles i'm also afraid of the backlash that could incite purely bc of how viciously scrutinized jews are by goyim and i'm ALSO afraid of totally isolating myself.
anyways this post is to say that if i end up snapping sometime soon maybe take it a little personally and start considering that you might be more antisemitic than you'd like to believe, because antisemitism is unfortunately a beloved global pasttime going back over 2000 years and you have almost certainly been steeped in it since childhood. you are not immune to antisemitism.
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it’s not that you think marx should be read primarily as an economist. it’s that your project of contextualizing marx in terms of the economic thought that both predates and follows him is valuable, but it runs up against hard limits in terms of both explanatory power and ability to generate practice that you can only solve by situating marx in the context of the actual political movements that both produced and drew from him and the concrete actions that resulted (cont.)
you wont find the key to a systemic analysis of capitalism purely in the realm of ideas, whether they be economic, philosophical, or political, you need to connect your analysis to some sort of concrete political reality for it to have any teeth. sure, no movement has succeeded at ‘achieving communism’ but they have made undeniable gains in the anti-colonial struggle and general social welfare (cont.)
the latter thing, despite what you say frustratingly often, is not simply reducible to social democracy, and it shows how little understanding you have of the actual material history (as opposed to ideological), that you think western social democracy is comparable to the social welfare achievements of socialist countries, and that’s without even taking to account that the former is directly predicated on imperialism and neo-colonial exploitation of the global south
im finally getting around to this 3-message wall of text which i should realistically ignore because its not really productive and its clear by the end that youre just typing your frustrations at me, but it gives me a chance to say a bit more about a particular angle of what im doing with marx.
you say:
"your project of contextualizing marx in terms of the economic thought that both predates and follows him [...] runs up against hard limits in terms of both explanatory power and ability to generate practice that you can only solve by situating marx in the context of the actual political movements that both produced and drew from him and the concrete actions that resulted"
what limits? and what explanatory power is lost here? you dont say, although your immediate pivot toward the need to "generate practice" implies that youre suggesting some sort of practice-oriented information. frankly, i dont really understand why this enters here. if marx is totally wrong (which is further than i would go!) and nothing can be salvaged from him whatsoever, you would be upset because this critique of him wouldnt generate immediate practice? on what grounds could that desire for practice even be justified? marxist ones? some new, un-marxist one which can only come out of this (assumed to be, for sake of argument) successful critique of marx which still, for some reason, is immediately interested in the development of practice (sounding an awful lot like marxism btw)? or is your problem simply that it fails to account for actual marxisms after marx? if its the last option, then thats a non-criticism if part of my point is that i am trying to say something new about marx. the fact that he might've been received otherwise would only work as a refutation of my criticism if it weren't a necessary part of the criticism itself (ie, id be wrong for agreeing with myself).
whichever one of these it is, it misses the point. however it works as a segue to what i imagine you really want to talk about, which is concrete struggles. your initial way of getting there is to try and make me reckon with a proper contextualization of marx in his political environment as well as those he influenced. the latter, as ive just said, isn't necessarily damning (because it is part of my point), but the former is definitely worth lingering on.
so you say in your second message
"you wont find the key to a systemic analysis of capitalism purely in the realm of ideas, whether they be economic, philosophical, or political, you need to connect your analysis to some sort of concrete political reality for it to have any teeth"
you seem to think i fail to do this. ironically, i see my chief criticism of marx to be that *he* fails to do this. he tries to identify the development of political economy out of patterns of class struggle, but he constantly gets the facts wrong on both counts. yet even if we could take him at his word and assume he got all of these things right (which is definitely necessary for coming to terms with the nature of marx's project as he saw it), then i would argue that he actually saw his political environment as being shaped, in large part, by the reception of political economy in the workers' movement. this is already clear from the radical/popular economic literature which, in his eyes, arose and declined alongside (and, to some extent, within) the ricardian school, which is why he deals with it at length in theories of surplus value (in a deliberately historical mode, for the record). the socialist appropriation of economic categories to explain the ills of capitalism is something which animates much of his work beginning in the 40s. for example, in the poverty of philosophy, he announces at the outset that he aims to "protest" the "double error" of seeing proudhon as a "good German philosopher" or "one of the ablest French economists" on the basis of marx's being both german and an economist. this goes to show the economic terrain of marx's approach to his socialist rivals and how significant the economic angle was to him and to the movement around him more broadly. the critique of his rivals (especially proudhon) as economic thinkers appears again in capital, as william clare roberts has demonstrated in his work.
but also, at a different level, he very deliberately intervenes in engels' anti-dühring by contributing a single chapter which is *specifically* designed to take dühring to task for his critical history of political economy, in large part (as reading the text makes obvious) because marx alleges that dühring gets the history wrong. this was because, among other things, dühring's work was having a large influence on the german socialist movement and several of marx and engels' peers. this wasn't some apolitical intervention, it had meaningful stakes for marx's practical work. clearly, the critique of political economy and the ability to properly account for the history of economic thought was politically significant for both marx and the socialist movement around him. if i am being accused of over-estimating this angle, then that would only serve as another criticism of marx himself.
however, you continue (or, really, you pivot entirely, but you continue talking)
"sure, no movement has succeeded at ‘achieving communism’ but they have made undeniable gains in the anti-colonial struggle and general social welfare[.] the latter thing, despite what you say frustratingly often, is not simply reducible to social democracy, and it shows how little understanding you have of the actual material history (as opposed to ideological), that you think western social democracy is comparable to the social welfare achievements of socialist countries, and that’s without even taking to account that the former is directly predicated on imperialism and neo-colonial exploitation of the global south
this has absolutely nothing to do with what im dealing with here, and its bizarre of you to include it in the first place, not least because you seem to think that by me criticizing communists around me for not having a political horizon capable of overcoming social democracy, that i am overly critical of socialist experiments in the 20th century for feeding themselves. if anything, i think the point of political theory should be to achieve the greatest possible "good" (whatever that might be taken to mean) for the greatest majority of people. despite their obvious flaws, i count the 20th century socialist experiments as among the greatest examples of social organization ever achieved and if communism were proven to be impossible tomorrow, i would be a dogmatic social democrat (ive actually said this for years).
im not the cartoonish ultra leftist that some of you think i am, as if i care more about establishing some magical bar for communism than i do about the people who are supposed to reach it and live in it. i dont say any of those things "frustratingly often", and youre unable to correctly attribute my own views to me, which i think is pretty telling. if anything, the things i try to talk about here dont stem from an allergy to anything less than whatever perfect ideal i might hold in my head, its out of a frustration with communists who dont even recognize that they might as well be social democrats. thats not necessarily an insult (ive worked with a lot of good social democrats in my life and will continue to do it as long as it produces worthwhile results), its just supposed to clarify the stakes and what i see as the limits to their analysis of the system (which ought to matter to them, even if i dont get much out of it!).
my focus on the history of economic thought as it relates to marx's critique of political economy, is admittedly pretty far removed from some of this stuff, but i dont take that distance between the two as a problem of my ability to reckon with the global south or the success-rate of communist movements around the world, i take it as an issue which only results from the overexertion of your stretched criticism to try and get me to talk about something else. next time you want my opinion on something other than what im posting about, you can just ask!
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The stigma
I do not have time to elaborate, but I think all the people in this fandom should have a real look at this. Me included:
It is a thing of wonder to constantly stigmatize a whole group of people using this umbrella term: the loons.
The person who does this several times a day, in print, personally knew some of the people she is talking about in these terms: that is no state secret, she tells us herself. People who laughed with her, shared personal details with her, supported her when she was feeling down, encouraged her. People she probably also met IRL.
In a nutshell: former friends.
Anyone can fall out of a friendship. I will not discuss her reasons, because I am in nobody's head and it is none of my business to give lessons to anyone.
I can only talk about me. I lost some friends here and there. Sometimes because I moved to another country and the relationship diluted to oblivion. Sometimes over a silly miscommunication - great friendships are always lost for idiotic reasons, in my opinion. Sometimes because I grew up and out of a particular context and it happened organically. And sometimes yes, because I was betrayed and felt disappointed with the breech of trust.
When it happens, you have exactly two choices, after you move on: a) get bitter and nasty about it and spew your venom to whoever happens to pass by or b) understand people share your path for a reason and for that same reason they might stick around for a very long time or call it quits at the next relay.
If you go with point b, you'll remember all the good things and carry on with great memories and at peace.
There is a wonderful Zen story. You can find it here, but I will quote it for the people who use Google Translate (https://isha.sadhguru.org/global/en/wisdom/article/helping-lady-across-river-zen-story):
" One day while Zen monk Tanzan and a young monk were traveling, they came to a river with a strong current. As they were preparing to cross the river, they saw a young lady in distress also attempting to cross.
Tanzan offered, “Here, let me carry you across,” and placed her down gently on the other side.
The lady said, “Thank you very much. Goodbye.” The two continued on their journey for more than half a day.
Finally, the younger monk could not contain himself any longer, and blurted out, “I thought we monks were supposed to avoid women. Why did you just do that?"
“Oh, you mean the woman way back there? I put her down long ago. Are you still carrying her?”
So why are you still carrying your former friends on your back, woman? And why are you calling loons people you have no idea about and who did nothing to you, spare answering when provoked by you?
For the newbies? Oh, give me a break. This is ridiculous and I hope you know it. People will ultimately believe whatever they want, despite your best efforts. Luring them with pronunciamientos is not exactly the way to achieve success.
I also might have prompted you to take your pills. I am very sorry for that burst of anger. It is none of my business if you need to do that. But if you do, really do it. It is about self-care.
I am also done with you, too. Write whatever you want. Spit how far and wide you want. Send how many anons you want. Call me Puffy if it suits you until the end of time. I do not care anymore and I promise your Anons will all go straight to the bin. What you need is a secondary stage and it is not going to happen in here.
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Hello there, weary traveler. 🎃
My name is Alice Hart (she/they, millennial) and you've come across my little pumpkin patch of a blog where I mostly autumn!post, reblog things I like, and share my 3 am thoughts. It's also become my bpd (& associated) vent cemetery. Look hard enough and you'll probably find where I buried the bodies. If you like my collection of aesthetics and weird shit, don't be afraid to follow me. Or send me an ask!
❌ DNI: Transphobes, racists, MAP & MAP sympathizers, sexists, ableists, radfems, homophobes, conservatives, slutshamers, Trump-supporters, fat-shamers, blank blogs, super boring porn blogs with thin conventionally pretty women that look like they could be porn stock photos, !!!ana/binge/ED/weight shaming blogs!!! Or anyone who spews hate against spirituality, witchcraft, and astrology. This includes anti-shifters!
Some random facts about me:
🕯️Am neurodivergent ADHD insomniac with intense hyperfixations that switch around every other week and BPD traits that make life insufferable at best. I'm more of a creature in the shape of a person. I'm just tired. I want to be a pumpkin and dance under moon instead of whatever this crap is.
🍁 I collect tea cups, tea pots, and tea accessories. I also have a massive collection of tea from all around the world.
🕸️ I practice witchcraft and have done oracle readings & birthchart interpretations for people since I was sixteen. I really feel intune with the stars and the moon.
🍬 I'm a system.
😈 Interests include: mythology, philosophy, psychology, travel, reading, video games, art, cooking & baking, sewing, sharing headcanons & lore with friends, and having conversations with the stars.
System Information:
[Wheels Within Wheels/The Burning Eyes System]
Body Age: 35
Collective Pronouns: It/Its
System Type/Origin: Traumagenic, formed because of a near-death experience at the age of 16.
Host & Personal Lore: Tired artist & neurospicy girl with way too many projects who gets super excited about many things. Invested in tarot cards, astrology, lucid dreaming, and spiritual exploration. Loves celebrating holidays (personal, global, and completely made-up!). Hates intense heat, eggs, poor communication styles, & season 5, 6, and 7 of Once Upon a Time. Avid traveler. Will one day be famous.
[Members of System & Information]
✨ Aestriel Iao Sabaoth ✨
Oldest & 1st member of the system. Holds the role of Protector, Gatekeeper, and Helper. Was formed as a direct response to childhood trauma. Presents as a being made of burning eyes, infinite wheels, and prismatic rainbow flame. Mostly dry, direct, emotionless. Gives amazing advice despite how much that advice hurts. Doesn't understand the messy condition of humanity. Sees the big picture. Claims to be a cosmological figure and not mortal in origin. Is very personally annoying to me, the host, who just wants to be a people. Will come out if host/my safety is threatened in some way. Or to give advice to others…although who the advice is given to and when is completely unpredictable.
🔪 The Author's Pen 🔪
Arguably as old as Aestriel; although stood in the background for quite some time until more recently. 2nd member of the system. Holds the role of Persecutor and Memory-Holder. Was formed as a direct response to hardship sustained while being homeless and emotional abuse. Presents as a being made of black ink, gnashing teeth, blood, and the sharp edge of a quill or sword. Antagonistic, manipulative, acutely socially aware, and willing to put itself before anything else. Interesting conversationalist but proceed with caution. Would rather delve into hedonism than uphold the moral stand that Aestriel or Host does. Just wants to see a reaction. Comes out more frequently than Aestriel and even upon request, although insists that upon some kind of compensation in return. Also gives advice, mostly bad. Less unpredictable, though. Claims to love humanity, is some kind of abomination formed when the first word of the first language was uttered.
Other important details: Would highly recommend that you do not talk to Pen. If it ever decides to pop out, that is. I try to keep it away from anyone else but myself.
About this blog:
🍯 Originally, this was a fandom blog for my newest obsession: The Vampire Diaries & The Originals. Somehow, it became a Halloween & Autumn!posting blog for times when I'm procrastinating on writing or bored. I use the tag #its always october in my brain.
⛈️ I'm currently working on a project called Dawn Misplaced. It's an Originals fanfiction featuring a Darling!Reader who's a vampire slayer. I post my chapters on here underneath the tag #dawn misplaced or #accidental writes. My A03 is here. If you have an interesting TVD or Originals imagine, I might consider writing it. Shoot me your idea into my asks! Yandere content, consider before engaging.
⚠️ UPDATE: This project and yandere content has been put on indefinite pause until I can find the inspiration to write about it/find a streaming service that has The Originals. 💀 Netflix axed it so I can't watch it anymore. I am very sad.
⚠️ UPDATE [11/23/2023]: This blog has begun to stray away from yandere fanfiction and onto being just my main blog where I shitpost at 3 am, share autumncore aesthetics, and hope to begin sharing my personal art. Also I expect there to be venting mixed in too. I should probably make a tag for that, shouldn't I?? I've also made a new blog for shifting, astral projection, and dream interpretation.
⚠️ UPDATE [12/31/2023]: I've decided that I'm going to put my shifting/astral projection blog on here. I've already started working on my Masterpost but have yet to think of an appropriate tag for it. It'll probably come next year. I'm so excited for 2024!!
🪦 Sometimes, I share my personal thoughts here. I'm sure I'm going to get more obnoxious about that the longer I have this blog running.
💀 If you like or reblog any of my posts, there's a chance that I'll look at your profile and follow you randomly. Feel free to block & softblock me if I'm not your vibe, I won't mind. Also, if you're a porn blog or one of those blogs without a title/literally nothing posted on it, I'm going to block you outright. Unless you have really artful porn on your blog.
My taglist:
#🔪 slayer says 🔪
My normal unhinged chatter about anything and everything that goes through my brain. Some might be a little vent-y and include tw warnings.
# 🎃 accidental asks 🎃
My responses to any questions & asks thrown at me.
#🩸 accidental art 🩸
My personal art dump where all my doodles go.
#its always october in my brain
Where all my Autumnposting and Halloween stuff goes.
#so relatable it's causing me 5+ psychic damage for every moment I stare at it
Things that are painfully relevant to me.
#about accidentalslayer#its always october in my brain#introduction#intro post#blog intro#pinned intro#pinned post#hello tumblr#personal#about myself#about my blog#autumncore#halloweencore#octobercore#fallcore#fogcore#warmcore#liminalcore#vampirecore#red aesthetic#aesthetic blog#actually adhd#actually mentally ill#actually bpd
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In the mass protest decade, street explosions created revolutionary situations, often on accident. But a protest is very poorly equipped to take advantage of a revolutionary situation, and that particular kind of protest is especially bad at it. If you believe that you can forge a better society, if you are willing to run the risk of trying, then you should enter the vacuum yourself. But a diffuse group of individuals who come out to the streets for very different reasons cannot simply take power themselves, at least not as an entire diffuse group of individuals. Once someone goes in there and takes power in the name of the masses, you are talking about a type of vanguard—a particular ideological project, and a minority of people who dare to try to represent the rest of the population. In some of the more utopian strains of anti-authoritarian thought, the riot is supposed to become the new society, but this has not worked out so far.11 Perhaps it might, someday, but it would probably not work very well in the actually existing Global South, which is surrounded by so many foreign actors that might be sucked very quickly into an apparent power vacuum by the possibility of easy profit and plunder.
If some new group boldly steps into the vacuum, manages to stay there, and transforms society, then that’s a revolution. But if you find your political system broadly acceptable, or you don’t think you can replace it with something better, then the thing to do is to negotiate. That is called reform. You can use your power on the streets to extract concessions, if you play it right. But once more, this necessarily entails representation.
It was not just Mayara and Haddad who overlapped in their answers to my question. I heard it very often—it came in different forms, but I heard it more than any other response. I think Hossam Bahgat put it best, or at least, the most directly.
“Organize. Create an organized movement. And don’t be afraid of representation,” he said without hesitation, in his office in Giza, as his world fell apart around him. “We thought representation was elitism, but actually it is the essence of democracy.” I heard answers like this over and over, confirming research compiled by scholars. As early as 1975, William Gamson found that movements succeed more often when they deploy hierarchical forms of organization. In a wide-ranging 2022 study, Mark Beissinger found that loose uprisings of the Maidan type tend to increase inequality and ethnic tensions, while they do not consolidate democracy or end corruption.
“After Maidan, I decided I do not believe in self-organization,” said Artem Tidva, the young leftist who brought a red European Union flag to the square, as we grabbed a bite to eat in central Kyiv in the summer of 2021. “I used to be more anarchist. Back then everyone wanted to do an assembly; whenever there was a protest, always an assembly. But I think any revolution with no organized labor party will just give more power to economic elites, who are already very well-organized.” Unlike some of his former comrades, Artem never gave up on the Ukrainian uprising and stayed active in the post-Maidan political scene, working to push for center-left, anti-racist alternatives in the context of the new political order. But in Ukraine, it seemed clear that the uprising had benefited the groups that had already formed coherent, disciplined organizations before the uprising began, and we had seen more evidence of that earlier in the day.
“I definitely don’t have the same views on these things as I did before 2013,” said Lucas “Vegetable” Monteiro. He still believes that a better society must be born out of this one, not just created after some revolution seizes state power. But he now thinks that the Movimento Passe Livre turned the principles of horizontalism, autonomy, and prefiguration “into a dogma, into a kind of religion, and we could not turn them into real political practice. Instead, they became a kind of identity. And we ended up quickly crashing into barriers that we ourselves had created.” The MPL still exists, but no one who was in the group in 2013 is still a member. Looking back on 2019 in Hong Kong, Theo told me, “[It] was very fun to see the China building defaced, I had a lot of fun on the streets, but the decentralized nature of the movement meant that there was no room for discussion about how it should work, or how a coherent strategy could be developed.”
Not everyone I met came out of the decade adopting positions in favor of formal structures, in support of “verticalism” and hierarchy, insisting that representation matters. Mayara, for example, remains mostly true to the ideals she adopted as a young punk. But everyone moved in the same direction. I spent years doing interviews, and not one person told me that they had become more horizontalist, or more anarchist, or more in favor of spontaneity and structurelessness. Some people stayed in the same place. But everyone that changed their views on the question of organization moved closer to classically “Leninist” ones.
Bevins, Vincent. If We Burn: The Mass Protest Decade and the Missing Revolution
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