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#so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort
hobisexually
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11 months
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#i! feel! so! disconnected! from everything and everyone
#and it’s so god damn annoying
#I either feel nothing at all or everything at once and I can’t balance it
#but if I take the time to sit with the things I’m scared of I’ll just keel over I don’t have time for it
#Im just on autopilot moving ahead
#because I have to! if I don’t my fear will win from me and that will Not be pretty
#and that’s what I’m so upset about like I didn’t get something I really wanted
#and it’s fully because of anxiety but the alternative is WORSE
#and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t
#afford them to. I can’t let that happen and I think this is the first time I’m realising how much it holds me back even after uni
#and I’m so angry over it dndndnd so so so angry and if they KNEW how much I had gone through no one would ever doubt my ability to —
#bounce back and take charge of a situation ever again. they’d know I can do that. But it’s too private to share so now it’s up to me to
#BELIEVE it and just show them but it takes so much out of me every time
#and if it weren’t for the pandemic I would’ve been much further along and if it weren’t for my fucking burnout I’d have been further along
#and it weren’t for my Fucking dad I’d be further along. I’m just so mad
#so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort
#also I have not seen or spoken to my dad since December and I have a wedding he’s attending and I can’t get out of it
#and I constantly pingpong between ‘its for the best I broke off contact I needed the space to heal’ and ‘I am a horrible person for taking
#his only daughter away from him instead of talking’
#but I’ve TRIED the talking and he just never LISTENS????? and made me feel so unsafe in this world at all times
#I’m constantly trying to undo all that and it’s exhausting and no one gets how much effort that takes and I can’t tell them either
#like. not gonna unload my trauma on people but if they KNEW they’d get why I don’t always react optimally to things the way they do
#aaarffggHhhhHHHhHhhh
#also I’m not even enjoying festa I’m not tuned in at ALL and that’s also deeply upsetting but there’s no other way atm
#Also. did a thing in PFPT today that. I feel complicated things and I’m just upset about the way my life’s been until now
#its making me feel worse than I was expecting
#oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together
#felt so connected with each other and it was familiar and safe and lovely they said
#meanwhile I cried at 3am in the bathroom because I had never felt more alienated from them ever
#I know who /I/ am and what I want and don’t want but the dissonance with the rest of the world….. what the fuck man. What is my place even
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