found my instax printer aauauuahsuqjs

got so excited i didn’t even wait for the picture to fully develop

me when pictures i took become physical and i can carry them around with me 🤩

ASK GAME! ♡

what your moots would be like as kpop idols! (an idol and what they’d be like as an idol!)

SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY !! but here u go :)) !!! i did a random picker wheel for this, so if you don’t get mentioned here, blame it on the wheel 💔

sona ; @flwoie — hyunjae from the boyz

I HAVE A REASON 4 THIS. he’s just a perfect combination of chaos and calmness… sona is just that. like she would know when to be chaotic and when to be calm (okay professional). would def forget she has an IMAGE to protect n would talk abt her crushes in the industry … would def be those idols that have a secret acc to talk random bs abt others 😭 and no offense..would totally have a secret fan acc .. since she would be so chaotic, she would get into PLENTY of scandals — good n bad .

rei ; @soov — chanhee from the boyz + keeho from p1harmony

bye rei is gonna be the idol who will keep her delulu ass fans in check 😭😭 there would be plenty of tiktoks + youtube vids of moments of her … like the only reason she would go on vlive is prob question all the people commenting during the live … ALSO DEF THE MEMBER THAT TEASES THEIR MEMBERS !! do something and rei will NEVER let it go. she WILL make sure you remember your embarrassing moments. (does it out of love, she confirms.) BUT BESIDES THAT rei would def be such a kind idol :( she would care for her members + fans — like she would do anything 4 them . talk bad abt someone they care abt ? expect a long ass post of her putting u back into ur place . i think she would accidentally slip up and post smth on the official group acc 😭😭 BUT def will have so much fans 🙏🙏🙏 (im one of them, gonna have a rei fanpage)

sia ; @wonieleles — juyeon from the boyz

BYE sia would be those clueless + clumsy idols. she would be in her little own world — once she’s in, she can’t go out type of thing. like she could go viral for smth and she would be clueless abt it until someone told her irl. (idk, i just think so.) i can also imagine her slipping up abt someone she likes without her knowing until a week later … she knows the right moments of when to be serious n when she could be a little bit more chaotic … but when things get chaotic , it will get out of control 😭 like she could be trying to say smth but be4 she could get a word out, she would start laughing to herself. I FEEL LIKE HER FANS WOULD TROLL HER OUT OF LOVE 😭 like she would get edited to the most funniest shit ever n those would trend 😝 . AND ALSO . SECLA DROUGHT IS REAL WHEN IT COMES TO SIA . she would post once a month n dip . you would never see her again until a group vid is out. her fans would be struggling 💔💔 but whenever she does post, chaos erupts . anyways pretty wholesome idol even though she may not know what’s going on half of the time <3

miyu ; @ixomiyu — danielle from newjeans

MY LOVELY MIYU <3333 no cause she would def be those comfort idols that everyone loves :(( she just radiates sm positive energy that everyone would fall in love w her. she would be so kind to everyone n would def cherish all the letters + gifts fans give to her :( i can imagine her storing them away in such a safe place </3 adding onto that, she would do anything she could for her fans — whether it be making them stuff or giving them pcs . would def motivate others n take care of others before herself </3 stan miyu !!!!

esther ; @urszn — wonyoung from ive

i can’t really explain this one — esther IS wonyoung. she would be so iconic as an idol, EVERYONE would love her n i mean it 🙏 i expect lots of fans biasing her. like she could breathe and everyone would be on their knees. would prob make her fans CRAVE for her selcas cause she would post such good ones EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. everyone would go WILD every time she posts smth bc she wouldn’t disappoint 🙏 if she were able to create a personal ig acc, she would def be those aesthetic accs or post aesthetic pics (take idk yunjin for example). she would just know every single trend on this planet . anyways def would go viral for many things 🫶

xin ; @weoris — ningning from aespa

i don’t think i can explain this one either..xin just gives off ningning vibes. like aesthetic n fancy IDKKK. but also a hint of goofy 😭. she would be an idol many people have as a bias. or even a bias wrecker. BUT fans would love her sm, anything she posts, people would praise her automatically. like anything she does, people are head over heels (like me). would also get into a few dating scandals … not too serious though. would prob be a quiet idol around people she doesn’t know. but once she’s with people she likes, she starts being loud and starts being more comfortable. would def be everywhere — magazines, billboards .. JUST anything visible to the public eye. yes, that’s how iconic xin will be.

that is all the picker wheel chose 🫶

Um hiya! I really like your work and I think you are pretty cool! I was wondering how one would become mutuals with you? Im really kinda socially awkward and more of a lurker, but I’m trying to branch out and be more social! Im only mutuals with one other person (I’m very shy) and we started chatting because of our cats and they generally bring happiness and good vibes so meet my cat Loki! He’s partially blind and has film over his eyes, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to steal everyone’s food.

I’m really into BSD right now and would love someone to chat about it with since I don’t know many people who are fans irl. I’ve even started writing for it recently and realized how much Dazai is a pain in the ass to write!!! It’s really hard making this silly goofy man both baby girl and mysterious man™️ at the same damn time. 😓 I think I may have girlbossed too close to the sun with this one since im only on my first chapter and I have 14 already planned out…. And that’s barely halfway through…. Sigh. Quite a way to start writing for a series, huh.

Anyway! I would love to chat with you!

AYO I SEEN YOU IN THE NOTIFS OMGGGGGGG hiiii (〃∀〃)ゞ

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS ASK FR!! and of course i'll be moots with you ^-^ dw i'm socially awkward as fuck too. i just pretend not to be because when im on the internet i really just pull a thanos and think 'reality can be whatever i want'. thank you for initiating though i appreciate it and im very proud of you!

LOKI IS SO FUCKIN CUTE IMMA STEAL HIM jokes i wont steal him. theft is a crime i reserve for the 1%. but i love him okay know this. he adorable as FUCK please cuddle that cat on my behalf. and oh nooooooo it would be so bad if you sent me more pictures of loki aaaaaaa im scared noooooooooooooo

man i'm super into bsd as well. i've been hyperfixated on this shit for six months now and i honestly don't see it stopping any time soon. like i've been obsessed with stuff in the past but like...i got a feeling about this one. this one is THE thing ya feel me? also i honestly don't mind writing for dazai the dude i have an issue with is KUNIKIDA he's so hard for me for some reason. what if we...did some type of kunidazai collab piece sometime...😳👉👈

also 14 chapters already? deadass impressive (to me anyway, since i literally make shit up as i go lmao) but back in the day...oh boy. you shoulda seen me in my kpop phase. i was planning literal serialised novels dude. dark times...*shudder*

feel free to pop into my dms and i'll be there to chat!

in the meantime have one of my favourite memes

I don't even believe the winter thing but u defended rosie when she posted anti black asks/racist asks so what am i even supposed to believe 🤣 all of those accusations and ure mad over being called a shady bitch..... ure probably more than that by defending an immature racist. just bc u revise ur age doesn't mean u revised the immaturity! I also didn't see u speaking up when the other side got even more hate than rosie 🤣 terrible being. I feel bad that rosie is such a huge blog just bc of the void and gorgeouslypink just has to deal that 5 other popular blogs defend her bc she's "sweet"

if u post this or not, idc. just wanted to let yk how terrible of a person who trusts blindly is when all the proof is on maya and bkuegrapes account

I didn't know Rosie when that whole thing happened firstly so idek what ur talking about

Id never defend racist anti black asks oh my god my friends irl would go crazy if they heard that. I have spent my whole life being an activist for minorities in my country. I have spent my hard earned money and my time volunteering for refugees from Syria, Ethiopia, Nigeria etc. I have been ostracised for speaking publicly about black, refugee, lgbt rights but didn't care because my purpose is to assist minorities to have an equal standard of living. Im not saying this to flex you wouldn't have ever known about this, im only saying this at the outrageous accusation.

The only thing I had said about the maya situation was that black people might not flourish like Koreans do in kpop because of the racism present in Korea. But with the law I learned anything is possible so I retract that statement and apologise for stating a limiting belief and if I said anything that may have offended anyone, I still apologise.

For the pink situation, BRO I AM NOT INVOLVED IN EITHER SIDE WTF R U GUYS TALKING ABOUT TRYING TO INVOLVE ME

Pink also said she doesn't wanna talk about it further in her post so idk why ur tryna drag her into this again

I was terrible for trusting winter bcos my god, she has caused so much drama in my life in an otherwise drama free life. She just keeps popping up out of nowhere on god.

I did not revise my age btw where did that come from? I'm not mad over the shady bitch its just funny because winter is the only person who would call me that 😂 my friends would jump from shock if they heard someone call me a shady bitch. But if im a shady bitch to winter thats alright, she has the right to her own opinion and I wish her the best. I just want her to stop trying to start shit. There's a lot I could have said about winter but I didn't because I respect her journey and she may be dealing with some stuff we don't know but I don't like all of this. And winter told us she was valentina just saying. But if she wants to go back on it, thats her choice and I have no say in it.

OKAY WELL SINCE YOU RESPONDED TO EVERY ASK, I GUESS I DIDN'T ANSWER YOURS BACK IN NOV 9??? I AM SO SORRY I LITERALLY THOUGHT I DID

woozi as ur senior thesis would be SO funny because like...imagine being a professor and seeing an essay/project all about a genius kpop man 😭😭😭

IM A RAVENCLAW ACTUALLY?????? how did you KNOW....are you stalking me... ALSO WHATS UR HOUSE??

he may be the mc's tree but you can always climb him in your dreams...

O2O?? ILL CHECK IT OUT...if it has a happy ending NO CDRAMA RECS BUT I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE BLOODHOUNDS SO DO GIVE IT A CHANCE

ur anime con pics are SOSOSOSOSOSO CUTE!! I LOVE SEEING PEOPLE NERD OUT AND BE PASSIONATE ABOUT THE THINGS THEY LIKE

idk if he's a sub but me personally i like guys (like seungcheol) who have a lot of like passive(?) dominance if that makes sense?? like they exude this dominant energy irl (and in the bedroom but whatever HAHAHAH)

plot twist! i dont like him anymore!! i feel like he's just bread crumbing me and i'd honestly rather be friends with him atp

OKAY IF YOU ACT SELF-CENTERED AND YOU PULL, THAT MEANS YOU'RE PULLING SUB MEN....IF THATS UR HOPE THEN YOU'RE DOING GREAT BRIE THATS EXACTLY HOW YOU PULL SUBBY MEN

omg wait why are you dropping out? are you okay (like not in a condescending way, just checking in cuz you are important!!)

WAIIIIIIT (omg dino reference) WHAT CHRISTMAS MOVIES DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH EVERY YEAR PLS SHARE

NO. INSTANT MASHED POTATOES??? WHEN YOU HAVE ACCESS TO REAL POTATOES AND GARLIC????? she should be JAILED...but im sure she has a good reason mwahahah your mother must be a very nice person

SCALLOPED CORNNNNNNN OH MY GOD?? INVITE ME TO UR THANKSGIVING BRIE ID WANT TO EAT ALLLL THAT STUFF

WELL IM SURE SOME GUYS AT WORK HAVE GOTTA BE INTO YOU............

don't ever apologize for late responses!!! i enjoy every message i get from you too (ditto. lol. nwjns. i have brainrot) SO ITS OK!!!

-someone who missed you and hopes that you're OKAY (🫨 anon)

NOVEMBER OH MY GOD ITS LITERALLY OKAY THOUGH THAT WAS BASICALLY THE LAST TIME I RESPONDED ANYWAYS

I fear that is a senior thesis we deserve but will never behold…

I JUST KNOW YOU… WE’RE BONDED… YOU CANT TELL MY HOGWARTS HOUSE??? 😨😨😨

Oh 🫨 anon, I do not partake in stories with unhappy endings (… willingly) SO DW AND I WILL GIVE BLOODHOUNDS A CHANCE IF I REMEMBER AND I WILL TRY TO REMEMBER

I love anime cons… surrounded by mutual losers… ACTUALLY KINDA FUNNY STORY. When i was at the con they were playing this episodes of animes airing right now and we watched this one cause it had a funny title: I’m Giving the Disgraced Noble Lady I Rescued a Crash Course in Naughtiness, and we’re watching it and it’s pretty funny and there was this one scene where something happened to the male lead and you know how in anime they have like tiny like unrealistic things happen but we all know it’s just expressing the characters embarrassment or shock and no one can actually see it? Well he got shocked and completely turned into stone and then turned into dust and we’re all sitting there like 🙂 AND THEN ONE OF THE CHARACTERS CHIDED HIM FOR TURNING INTO DUST TO TRY AND GET OUT OF THE SITUATION AND EVERYONE LAUGHED SO HARD and i had an out of body experience where i was like this anime and joke are for such a niche audience, and oh my god we are a bunch of losers 😂

NO I TOTALLY GET WHAT YOU MEAN BY PASSIVE DOMINANCE.. like cheol… 🤭 GOOD FOR YOU DROPPING HIS ASS. YOU DESERVE A WHOLE LOAF OF BREAD NOT JUST THE CRUMBS. FUCK HIM!!! LOSER!! HE SUCKS!!

OH FUCK BUT 🫨 I DO NOT WANT TO PULL SUB MEN. I WANT TO DOMINATED. PLEASE. I WANT TO BE PUT IN MY PLACE. HELP ME 😭😭 TAME ME LIKE A BRAT IDK-

Hmm, i just wasn’t going to class cause i have really serious sleep problems. Like, i can’t sleep at night and i’m already on trazadone which is supposed to help me sleep but doesn’t work right. So james prescribes me ambien too. I tell him my anxiety is going even crazier than usual he prescribes me clonazepam. So now I’m taking ambien, trazadone, and clonazapem for sleep. I’ve always been really overly fatigued during the day but now i just can’t wake up, at all. I am sleeping till five (ball-park) no matter how many alarms i set or when i go to sleep. So i’m sleeping through class and being late for work. So he takes away my clonnie and my PRECIOUS ambien, and now i’m on Laraxpem? lonazepam? And i’m actually not tired all day again! But i am not falling asleep at night 🙃 and also, i am still way too fatigued way too early in the day (i woke up at 1:00 and i was dead tired by 7:00). ANYWAYS. I might do a sleep study soon so. We’ll see how it goes.

Uhm, uh, the princess switch movies, 12 dates of christmas, A christmas kiss, Dash & Lilly (not a movie), A cinderella story (the christmas one), Christmas Cupid…. There’s more uhm but i can’t think of them rn.

No… don’t make excuses for her laziness…. If she is willing to ignore her crying, child pleading for real potatoes then she should be JAILED.

WELL NOT RIGHT NOW I DONT THINK. I HOPE. I CANT HANDLE GUYS AT WORK LIKING ME. I LITERALLY SUCK WHY. AND IM NOT??? THAT??? PRETTY??? LEAVE ME ALONE.

DITTO BY NEW JEANS IS MY FAVORITE BY NEW JEANS I LOVE DITTO

random vent ignore this

just me or is it really weird talking about ur feelings to ur irls like i know they just dont get what i feel. like no one tries to understand my feelings when i try talking to them about things but when its literally anyone who tries talking to me about things i feel like i have to understand their feelings and help them feel better just because i care about them and their happiness but literally no one would do that for me.

everytime something exciting happens for me i gotta keep it to myself and just be happy for myself in silence because i know no one would be excited about it like i would be for them. i think its just me who loves people too hard and then gets upset when its not reciprocated. its really hard out here for me i guess.

that's literally one of the biggest reasons im so attached to nct and ive been so attached to them because after my most recent friendship breakup, the hardest one of my life, where i was being controlled in by my own best friend and forced out of things i enjoyed, nct being one of them, i realized that i was never truly happy during that time like at all. but as soon as i found my way back to them ive been the happiest ive been in the past year even through all my ups and downs (which there were ALOT of) and everytime i even see her now i realize how much happier i am now even if i dont have that many friends now, i find comfort in having the neos as my little safe haven but again, i can never talk to anyone about it because no one gets it. everyone would think im one of those kpop obsessed freaks when im literally just a girl coping with life through them.

i wish i could go back to 2020 when i was literally having the best year of my life. i was in the healthiest relationship of my life, i found nct, my baby was born, everything was just right for me. but of course good things like that never last because everything is falling apart lol...

even now, the guy im like very interested in right now, no one understands it, everyone tells me that hes ugly and i should find someone better but i find comfort in liking him. i like him cuz he actually makes me feel wanted after a whole fucking year of being single and going through countless situationships but ofc i cant say that to anyone cuz im just delusional right? no one gets it no one EVER gets it. everyone just thinks im delusional but its just how i cope with like everything in my life. stress, anxiety, literally anything, its my coping mechanism but whatever.

i cant even start to talk about my family BRUH. i can't complain about shit to my irls cuz everyone knows my family and i dont want it to be awkward but i guess its only sided cuz family does not give a FUCK about who knows me and who doesnt and is straight up just tearing me apart lmao.

on the bright side, im taking the time out for self to improve my mental health and be in a better state! ive started doing daily motivations and journaling on this app and its been helping alot. ive also started protecting my peace way harder so i literally dont talk to anyone other than like close friends lol.

ok bye i wrote like a novel here LMAO goodbye if u read this ignore it this is not who i am

beloved yza 🤍 how do you like the cb?

AL OMG???????? HIIIII THIS IS SUCH A NICE SURPRISE 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

this might be long and rambly as shit but since u asked 😋 i really am SAURRRRR excited!!! i really have forgotten what svt cbs were like bc i got so incredibly busy but im SOOO so glad i'm here for it again <33 i haven't participated in anything else like i used to before (i.e: watching all the interviews, keeping up w/ all the appearances n shit 😭), so i haven't seen anything else aside from the mv & medley/did anything aside from listening to the whole EP. HOWEVER!! i can definitely say it well exceeded my expectations! for me svt comebacks just kept getting bigger and better since attacca, and honestly the pre-cb hype and General Good Vibes we were getting from that era just kept getting carried over their more recent releases! i'm glad there's that kind of energy (on my end at least) with their cbs!! and honestly, i'm so so happy to see them getting the recognition their unceasing hard work deserves. they're not a loud group, if that makes sense (like, when u ask ppl outside of korea abt kpop groups they most likely would not mention svt off the bat), but they really are so stable and they're only consistently getting bigger not only because of all the work, but also because of how well they just treat carats as well. it really does feel like we're a team to a certain extent 🥹

honestly my only gripe this time is abt the faded mono life concept bc idk... i feel like the company concept has been used and reused to death (and we've already seen so many similar concepts from the boys), but i also acknowledge that they're trying to fit it all into the fml overarching theme (and the title alone is v smart!!), but i really wish we had a ver with the traditional fits 😔 ALSO ICB I'VE MANIFESTED THIS i literally have been mentioning how i wanted crazy concept photos like the a.c.e hanbok ones to my irl carat friends and seeing it come to fruition makes me feel successful LMFAOO

there r so many things i'm glad abt w this comeback, esp chorus center dino <33 so deserved if i might say so heheheh. (im just going to ignore woozi btw) but i also fear i have cemented my dolly traits 😭 the mv for super was also such a nice surprise to me (but i also feel slightly bamboozled bc, again, this was so diff from the concept photo teasers just like attacca era as well lmfao). AND SPEAKING OF THE MV AND THE SONG ITSELF, I REALLY LIKE HOW SVT SUPER IS??? ik people say svt isn't sticking to their distinct sound anymore, but from the concept (that really speaks a lot about woozi, and which is also giving me a sense of shared childhood bc i also grew up watching dbz lmfao), THE LYRICS, and just the performance aspect of it all... it's so svt to me <333 i fr luv my team and luv my crew. ALSO LOVE THE REFERENCES THEYVE PLANTED IN THERE, everything's really well thought of. the composition of the song itself too is so fresh to me, i love how they structured the song and the way there r sm variations!! the double title track was also a smart choice it JUST makes so much sense

tracklist wise, i'm generally pleased with all of them tbh <33 also liking FML (the title track) a lot more than i expected!!! i was expecting to like it the least ngl, but not bc she's a shite track but the Sound we got from the medley just wasn't what i usually gravitate to. i expected it to be 'FML 👹' and not 'fml 😔' based on what theyve been saying tbh NDNJDJD i also fucking LOOOVE fire so much, as a noise enjoyer she's my top song rn <33 i really appreciate how they gave us a more varied sound this time around (while still being cohesive), and i really think they were able to highlight each unit's strengths so well. ALSO OBSESSED W THE PERF U SONG <333 they really never fucking miss!!! that being said though i hope we get more crazy subunits in the future (i.e: a diff mix of members) <33

i feel like i still have sm to say but i've forgotten them all bc i'm so excited LMFAOO BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME WHAT ABOUT UUU <33 HOW HAVE U BEEN WHAT R UR THOUGHTS ON THE CB HOW R WE FEELING ABT SHORT HAIRED WONU AND HOCHI EYELINER 👁️

idky you care SO MUCH about anons. if you wrote for yourself like you say you do, then you wouldnt care what other ppl have to say and fr its not like its that bad. if someone doesnt like your fic, then they dont like it. i rlly dont understand y you take it so personally.

well ... I don’t have any writer mutuals in the tumblr community; the network i’m in isn’t really all that welcoming on discord; and … I don’t understand why I have to keep doing everything … alone … idk. I’m not friendless irl; I have friends who I see pretty regularly and who I don’t work with (because im really not the “let’s hang out outside of work” kind of person; I don’t like to befriend my coworkers), but idk ,, it would be nice to just have a small community to talk about stuff like nct, my writing (I try to befriend other writers but it’s not … it doesn’t go well), or whatever … I mean, like, it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, I know; I just wanted to, like, be part of a community or whatever. I don’t really get to talk about this stuff with my friends; we have different interests or we just talk about psychology and politics and the occasional western media that we’re consuming, like, when you think of boring adult parties (talking about art and politics at dinner with glasses of wine), that’s literally my friend group - we pretty much exchange therapy advice for brunch and then talk about politics at the beach or art museum — which isn’t bad; it just feels like I can’t be … 23 and stupid about something like kpop, which I really didn’t get into until I was almost 19 for personal reasons.

I mean, I’m probably just reading too deep into everything, but it mostly just feels like I have to be alone because everything, including anons, is literally pushing me out of tumblr. like … idk … I don’t know what to do … I’m trying to write for myself and to just not rely on other people for anything like feedback or beta reading or reblogs; it just kinda sucks … but I know that my mindset is the problem and I’m trying to change it

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

hi!! for the match up thing i’m indian-american, 5’6”-5’8” naturally rapunzel-length, wavy hair (brownish), glasses, brown eyes, corner dimples, aquarius, i’m an ambivert, i love video games, editing, reading, writing, sleeping lol, and i’m not good at drawing but i like doodles and coloring. i love k-pop (casual listener) and some non-kpop songs & i love watching a lot of anime & reading BL 🕴🏻 & manga. i get closed off in groups because i get anxious and i get negative thoughts and how i’m probably not even wanted there bc of bad experiences. in public i can get suuuper anxious because i’m rlly sheltered bc of my parents and i get all shaky. same like in public w/o my parents like i get shaky and an anxiety / panic attack and want to cry. ive never experienced things bc of my family like ‘normal’ stuff like the beach, traveling, ice skating, movie theaters and stuff. i hate it and i dont have the best relationship with my family they can be really toxic sometimes and the whole anxiety thing and that makes me feel really depressive and su*cidal sometimes for a while. i love physical affection and being shown that or told words affirmation. but irl i get awkward and shy w physical affection bc ive never experienced it and idk how to do it. im good thru text, irl i can keep a convo going. thru calls i get shy and nervous, especially if it’s the opposite gender. my face gets red easily like i blush a lot and it’s not hard to make me flustered lol. when i get like that or don’t know how to respond i just giggle bc idk what to do or say. if im sad and going thru it i make jokes to cover it up and laugh it off, one time someone just asked ‘are you ok’ after i did and my voice cracked ‘no not really’ and i started crying 😃 i keep stuff to myself (unless i trust that person to tell them stuff nd open up to them) i do have trust issues and i’ve never rlly had friends irl my parents are strict and never let me go out. online i dont rly have much friends either. im rlly observant, and like descriptive / detailed as u can tell 😭 kinda sucks thoo because a lot of people don’t read what i say bc they said they cant b bothered n it’s too long but i just get rlly engrossed into things & dont half-ass stuff and just wanna explain everything properly 😭 i can be sassy and give attitude, and i can be mean. BUT i never do that to someone unless they did me dirty. i dont like arguing. that side of me can be shown thru arguments but only again like if the other person is doing the same and is being mean and disrespectful to me first. i do have a lot of patience and endure things until it’s become like a problem? i make sure to communicate. i never ignore people, i’m not petty unless i have a good reason if they did something to me. i’m really funny i swear 😭 and i can be emotional / sensitive depending on what it is but i know when someone is joking but i know when things are taken too far and i have boundaries. i take caution when meeting people bc trust issues so i’m not that clingy unless i 100% like can count on them and comfortable with them trust them etc. i like teasing friends but just for fun and won’t take it far and make them upset or anything. if i ever hurt someone which i make sure not to i feel super bad and apologize a lot and make sure to never do it again. i try to keep my cool to refrain keeping myself from getting mad but the times i have gotten mad are reasonable and it has to be something super upsetting for me, i dont get mad w/o reason though and i start to angry-cry and yell but i try not to say anything that ill regret and make sure to think of what im saying. i love memes, idk how to describe my humor tho 😭, i’m diligent and considerate! i try to show i care thru actions and words of affirmation and quality time etc. i make sure to remember important stuff someone tells me abt themselves. i have a really good memory i don’t forget things that easily. i care for others a lot and im trying to take care of myself more now too but it can be hard. i’m not a liar i can be really blunt and honest. SORRY ITS LONG 😭

I match you with..

Lemillion!

I’m a firm believer that understanding opposites can bring out the best in each other. Mirio helps you come out of your shell. He loves to stroke your hair, and sometimes playfully pulls it. He is your partner and your best friend, so doing thinks like Pictionary or playing games today are a common occurrence. Joking and cuddling turns into a must for the two of you and you discover how much you love your head pet. His dependable personality provides a safe place for you, and you get the chance to trust in someone fully.

He appreciates how you are careful to watch how you act when you are upset, but loves how full of emotion you are. Seeing you cry breaks him on the inside and he just wants to scoop you up into hugs. Knowing that you have that big goof there helps you with your social anxiety. If someone is talking too much to you and he sees you getting overwhelmed, he will skillfully direct conversation away from you. Mirio gets very protective of you around your family. He constantly holds your hand and you two have established a safe word in case you want to leave. Mirio is more than happy to scoop you into his arms and run away with you. He is so emotionally intelligent and sensitive with you that you feel so safe and secure. If you could use one word to describe him it would be ‘home’. For the first time in a long time you begin to realize what family is, it’s mirio.

Knowing that you haven’t tried many things, you two make an effort to try new experiences together. He often flirts with you, despite the fact you two are together. He brings out the more sexual side of you. You compliment him and flatter him. He loves how much you appreciate him. You two take care of each other and your time is full of laughs.

wow im literally the opposite. "i will continue loving the exact kind of things that i got bullied for in high school out of pure spite because if i let it get to me that it's not ""socially acceptable"" then they win and i Never Lose" kinda shit. i will stay here chanting MULGAMNORI MULGAMNORI MULGAMNORI like a lunatic and if anyone tries to judge me for it they best be running before i take over their sleep paralysis demon's job again. after kingdom im literally planning to stan all the groups on that show. they're all so talented and idc if them being so young yet so successful makes me feel shit abt my life! i will vicariously live thru their success and keep enjoying the absolute Bangers they keep dropping. but hey that's just me u do u bestie if anyone tries to come at you for liking kpop im here and im ready w them Facts they dont wanna confront (like the internalized racism and infantilization of asians that causes them to look down on kpop like it ain't just music in another language when they got way too turnt to despacito.) -felix bi anon

I mean realistically speaking—and we gonna shoutout to my therapist here—when it comes to how the world perceives me, I'm very much fixated on the control element of it. I like to think I'm very evolved and very dgaf (and in a lot of ways I am!) but the reality is more of the not really variety 😂 I can really only handle other people's perception of me if I feel like I can either guide it (through people pleasing) to be beneficial to me (by becoming what they want/need me to be) or by weaponizing it (for a number of years most of my outward identity was defined by going "oh you think I'm weird? Well, I don't know why you think that, and I don't know how to stop it, so if you think I'm weird I'll be the weirdest motherfucker you've ever seen, because FUCK YOU!").

If I can control the narrative, I'm fine with people thinking I'm weird—but subconsciously I can only handle it if they see me as the kind of weird I want to be seen as, you know what I mean? If I think I look fab and someone thinks I look like shit, that feels yucky, but if I intentionally look a way that I know will upset them, I'm still getting my desired outcome even if their reaction is negative, you know? So if I feel like I can't control the narrative I just try not to allow anyone to react to me at all—and since I can only feel confident in an interest of mine as I accumulate time + an absurd degree of knowledge, things that I'm new to feel generally unsafe for me to enjoy. Not to whip out the psychoanalysis but I'm physically unable to stop myself from hyper-analyzing all my own thoughts and behaviors 😂 And also when I'm hyperfixated on something, it's very lonely to have no one to share it with irl? Or even online? Like when I got into the arcana, it didn't matter if people I knew irl played or not, because the fandom was thriving and the people were all so easy to connect to and I made a lot of friends easily, it was a welcoming space filled with people I had a lot in common with (it's kind of...... different now. But that's a WHOLE other thesis paper 😂), but I like... cannot engage w kpop fan spaces. I don't see a lot of people I could connect with, so it's lonely to have all these fun feelings and excitement that I can't share with pretty much anyone. There are a few exceptions, like your lovely self, obviously 😉 but it's kind of like. A very niche thing to be obsessed w, for my little patch of earth. Kinda similarly to how whenever someone I know irl would find out I absolutely am obsessed with the art of drag, and immediately make assumptions about what they says about me as a person, and about whether I'm "allowed" to like it. The few irl friends I have aren't judgemental, they just like, really don't get kpop and aren't interested 😂 which is fine. But it's depressing to not be able to vibe out w people when you're having fun, so I'm sort of wishing this phase would pass so I can stop obsessively infodumping to people about a topic they could not give two shits about 😂

I think about the weirdness of how infantalized these idols are a lot—like you're so right, the way a lot of people view kpop is fueled by such a weird and specific flavor of racism. Like, it's pop music, but on crack, it's all the hallmarks of eye catching fashion and incredibly catchy, fun music and super lovable starlets, but turned up to 11. But it gets this weird side-eye. I think esp for the area of the world that I'm in, where it's very much machismo and theres a heavy catholic influence in the way everyone thinks about life but esp in regards to things like gender, it's very "men should be men and that looks like THIS" and its just this hypermasculine, angry, dominating ideal, so being open to or enjoying the androgyny and boundary pushing fashions in kpop is seen as like "why do you like men that all look like girls, you're weird, that's gross." And I honestly used to feel that way too, but OOP surprise it was actually just me being uncomfy confronting the fact that I wish I could look like them and be pretty in a very androgynous way and be the thin, angular, editorial fashion ideal that literally ANY garment will look gorgeous on and achieve their aesthetic but I literally never will, mixed with eurocentric beauty standard brain rot and internalized misogyny 😂 we still dealing with it all but a bitch is slowly learning lmfao. I still very much cannot fw any of the girl groups though—that shit will IMMEDIATELY trigger an intense wave of self hatred that I frankly do not have the energy to deal with at this point in my life, and I don't need more visuals that reawaken my ED 😔

The one thing I do wish I'd noticed sooner is the sphere of kpop fashion. Because growing up I wanted to be a fashion designer, as a teenager I would spend days doing nothing but obsessing over editorial layouts and seasonal runways and insane, avante garde pieces, and when the world of high fashion started to be controlled more by influencers looking to promote products, and less by artists trying to make a statement, I became sooo fucking disillusioned. I still think it's so fucking sad that we went from the opulence of years like Dior under Galliano's vision, the insane visual storytelling and artistry of fashion that was meant to SPEAK, to... every major fashion label cought in a chokehold by the likes of the Kardashians (derogatory). Controversial, but like. I miss when actual models used to walk the runway and command it, not socialites who bought their spot and can't even walk in heels. Like, when Paris Hilton did it, it was a cheeky wink at the brainless hyper-consumption of pop culture media, it was a clever little dig at the rise of digital age celebrity culture—it wasn't meant to be taken seriously, it wasn't meant to be the height of artistic expression like it is now. When actual artists commanded street style, not the Hadids 🤮 Socialites were socialites, and fashionistas were fashionistas, they may intertwine but were not interchangeable. If you can't tell, I hate Instagram fashion lmfao. Now what's in editorials is athleisure and Dr Miami ruined the world lmfao. Obvi popular fashion and media representation is a nuanced topic, but my core beef w modern western fashion is that it's elevated bike shorts to the likes of McQueen (may he rest in peace 😔). But the era of fashion I loved died with the rise of Instagram—except on kpop stages. Its just my opinion, but I see the opulence and intricacy that I miss in so much of what dominates that fashion sphere. There's less of the "I secretly got a BBL, which I will deny, and my parents have money, so anything I wear is Fashion™" and more of the risk taking, subversive, artistic expression that's fallen out of favor with the western fashion world. In my humble onion, anyways. No tea no shade no pink lemonade u kno 😌 But that's the nostalgia in me.

Idk I vibe really heavily w the sound and the energy of these kpop artists, there's a level of precision and dedication that western artists just don't have and don't aspire to emulate, either. It's a fascinating formula for success. I do not envy them because my impression is that it's grueling enough to arguably be inhumane, but the end result is pretty fuckin consistently flawless and I am LIVING 😂

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

hi bae. this might be a depressing thing to answer so feel free to ignore. (1/2) ive been into kpop for years now. i comforted myself with idols and their songs. sometimes, because of the overwhelming loneliness in my life, i had dreamed about them. I know I'm just a fan and I'm fine with that. but just to comfort myself, I thought them as my friends and sometimes people I flirt with... but the more I rely on them the more I realized how pathetic I am.

(2/2) irl nobody would love me. I'm ugly, fat, good for nothing ; a loser. I don't even deserve to enjoy their music yet alone being friends with them - even if it's imaginary - I hate myself. "why im like this" this question hunts me everyday. I was seeing a therapist and it was helping but I guess since I spend more time in my head these thoughts came back. I feel so worthless. I wish someone would love me. But why would they? im no special,im nothing. im sorry if i made you uncomfortable.

——-

Apologies for being slow to respond! I’m not uncomfortable, just was in the middle of an upload when this came in.

So I’ve struggled with mild depression on/off most of my adult life. I’ve never been suicidal and I’ve never been medicated but there is a sea of sadness and self-loathing beneath me that is always ready to drag me down when I am at my weakest. So I recognize what I call “depression brain” in this ask.

I’m not a therapist, but for me, depression brain is a toxic combination of telling myself there is something wrong with me, then trying to use my sad depression brain to figure out what is wrong with me, failing to figure to out what is wrong and blaming myself again and the cycle repeats. Depression brain wants to think its way out of depression, but it cant, because depression is not logical, it’s physical.

Here are things that have helped me climb my way back out: therapy, exercise, sunshine, journaling, creative writing, making art, music, talking with friends about stuff I love, healthy food, hydration, sex/masturbation, massage, leaving the house, having a regular sleep schedule, helping other people

Things that make me feel worse: social media, television, junk food, staying inside all day, waiting to feel better, waiting for motivation, waiting for someone else to save me/love me/fix me, not sleeping enough / sleeping at weird times, trying to think through my problems without talking to someone else, telling myself that I am unique in my suffering and no one else has ever felt this way

Notice how all of things that make me feel better are things that make me physically feel better? None of them are magic thoughts that I can think and feel better. But all of the negative things are mental traps that the depression brain lays for me.

How does kpop fit into this for me? My blog is titled BTS saved my life because four years ago I hit a bad stretch of depression and BTS helped me in wide variety of ways. Their music made me happy and kept me company on walks, while exercising, and while doing other productive things that I didn’t feel like doing, like cleaning. Fangirling over them reconnected me with old friends and helped me make new friends with a shared interest, something I had been unable to do as an adult up until then. Writing about them gave me a creative outlet that was both fun and productive and helped me feel like I was bringing joy to other people. Seeing their struggles with a lot of the same issues I was going through and how they expressed those struggles in their music helped me feel like I wasn’t walking this path alone.

But kpop can just as easily be path into the sea of depression. If you are constantly comparing yourself to idols and finding yourself lacking. Or if you get tied up in angry fanwars / drama that make us all feel ineffectual. Or if you try to get the internet to validate you / give you attention because it will never be enough. Or if you’re spending all your time sitting still in front of a screen to absorb their content. So you need to have a critical eye on the ways you use kpop in your life and prioritize those ways that make you feel better and ditch the ways that make you feel worse, even if they seem enjoyable in the moment.

One last note:

People will love you. I’m sure people already do love you and your depression brain is preventing you from seeing it. I have many wonderful people who love me very much in my life, but when I am underwater with my depression, I tell myself that they dont care about me or that I am bothering them and I can’t see how much they love me. Having people who love you is not enough though, you have to love and take care of yourself.

PS. This video on Youtube is one of the best explanations of depression that I have ever found (its only six minutes, go watch it). Also provides a good explanation for why quarantine is making everyone depressed.

Now listen to some BTS and go for a walk. It won’t fix everything. But it may help a little.

listing the different escapism strategies

thought i’d list out the different escapism strategies because whew, who doesn’t need some of those these days?? most of these are those that i have personal experience with but i’m sure there are more. 

1. books!!! fiction books in particular. this is a classic. this is what everyone that was lonely did in middle school (me) and is a really good one. might not be that good for people that can’t see images in their head. for me when i read a really good book and i get really into it, at one point it doesn’t even feel like i’m reading anymore, it’s just a movie playing out in my head. i think a lot of us have lost this habit and have found other ways to escape the reality of our situation, but i’ve also seen a lot of people reverting back to their middle school habits during the pandemic. 

2. tv-shows!! obsessing over a tv-show and bigning it is a common strategy for a lot of people. in like march/april of this year when i had school online (we’re back irl now but our cases are rising again which is worrying) i binged all of criminal minds, all 15 seasons, in about a month and a half. and i know my friends did the same thing. so binging shows is also a classic one. easier for people who can’t have images in their heads because their images are on the screen, but might also feel a bit more distant than reading a book. 

3. movies. i feel like movies are harder to really escape to, unless it is a comfort movie, because you watch like two hours and then it’s over. if it’s a long series you might get up to 24 hours or more in total viewing time (lotr, harry potter, star wars, etc.) but then again they are often based on books and in my opinion it is easier to find an escape in books. 

4. fanfiction. this is a good one if you have a book/show/movie/etc. that you really like and you want to explore more within that universe. there are so many different AUs to read, so many ships. there are a lot of really good sites. wattpad is often the start for many, but because of all the ads they have it isn’t enjoyable to read on there anymore. tumblr is good, often has good smut if that is something you’re looking for. fanfiction.net has stuff if you want to find a bit more obscure fics or if you’re looking for classics. ao3 is of course the queen amongst peasants. with a superior tagging system, a great warning system for triggers, as well as a huge user base, you can find ANYTHING you want here. (im talking anything, one time i found teletubbies smut, it was an experience) (i didn’t read it but it was there). ao3 is also good because you can often find a lot of y/n fics, and those are quite good if you just wanna feel like you’re dating your favorite celebrity or character. 

5. music. music is always good if you’re in your feelings. there’s something for everyone and i think that no matter what genre you listen to you can find something that suits your current mood. you can also, if it is a somewhat popular artist or group, always take a deep dive into the fandom and watch all the content from when they started until now. that is what i did back in 2015/2016 when i started to listen to 5 seconds of summer. i watched all of their old videos and lives and EVERYTHING. i made sure i knew everything about them, like if i would have been a fan from the start. the thing about having music as an escapism is that personally i wouldn’t really call it that. for me, music (or the focus on the artist) is more of a temporary “obsession”. i put obsession in quotation marks because it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. i got into kpop in like february/march of this year and yeah sure i have no clue what i was like before kpop, but at least they make me laugh. kpop is also a really good way for someone to escape through music/artists. there is so many different groups or solo artists to listen to. you don’t even have to listen to kpop, there’s k-rnb,k-hiphop, k-rock. there’s c-pop and j-pop. (literally, like go onto kprofiles.com and you’ll see how much there is to see). no group sounds the same so you won’t get that issue either. the only thing you might have an issue with is if you want to be able to understand what they’re saying which you won’t unless you know korean (there’s always subtitles but from what i understand some people hate subtitles which i don’t understand at all). and you’ll always be able to find english translations of the songs, either on youtube or on lyrics sites. 

6. social media. social media is a tricky one because on one hand you can definitely find content that offers an escape but on the other hand social media is full of the reality of our lives and therefore it might be hard. tiktok is good if you wanna feel like you’ve been on the app for five minutes when in reality it’s been 3 hours. for me tiktok is kinda bad, because when i get to the point that i spend hours on it every day my attention span turns into crap and i get really obsessed with it. always be careful with social media because there’s often a lot of toxic behaviour there too. i’ve seen a lot of people talk about how tiktok is turning into tumblr 2.0 (in a bad way) with (trigger warning!! thinspo, eating disorders, don’t read the next four lines) a lot of ed content as well as a lot of mental illness in general. i’ve seen comments like “time to not eat” on people’s tiktoks when the person has a “good” body (i.e. often skinny, and conventionally attractive). there’s also so much hate and insults there. as soon as anyone who is not necessarily attractive according to society’s standards, and they try to dance or they try to be funny, everyone in the comments are super mean to them. even comments like “as soon as i saw this i ran to the comments” are not nice. so if you’re gonna use social media as an escape please be careful.

those are all of the escapism strategies i can think of right now. if you have any others please reblog with them or add them in the tags!! and if you want tips on my personal favorite book series/tv shows/music groups let me know!! 

tw: there is a very brief mention of sexual assault, not sure if its enough for a warning but i wanna be careful

i honestly barely ever come on tumblr anymore but i just really would like to rant and this is the place that only one person i know irl will see it so... sorry to anyone following me/anyone who sees this who isnt really into mcyt and streamers but thats my current like fixation ig (also might get a bit long im making sections)

bit of background on what brought this up

a couple of days ago the run of dreams that had been under investigation for a few weeks was discounted (im a little tired so the right words might not be quite making it here) and essentially hes being accused of cheating.  if you follow him/are into mc speedrunning, etc you probably know this.  this post is kinda about that kinda not.

background on MY interest in this

i discovered dreams (and subsequently george and sapnap) content around march i believe but for months was only really a casual viewer.  i would watch the minecraft but... videos but i didnt even watch the manhunts because it didnt catch my interest at the time.  so i didnt really know about speedrunning and such.  around august or september i became a bit more of a “true fan.”  i started watching them a bit more and watching livestreams and got into more members of the smp.  currently, the dream team actually arent even my number one streamers/mcyters.  i would have to give that to karl and fundy respectively.  anyway, this is around when i kind of got into the speedrunning side of dreams content and just speedrunning in general before the run that essentially stopped the speedrun streams.  although i wouldnt consider him my absolute favorite cc atm, i still definitely look up to dream for the amount of work he has put into youtube and how much he seems to just truly care about his fans and just people in general.  

lol quick tangent

so i kinda feel that this story is important even tho it doesnt quite fit into the post.  i am a pretty big kpop fan.  my favorite group is stray kids and when woojin left, i was initially very heartbroken because again these are a group of people that i look up to.  when the sexual assault allegations came out, i felt absolutely betrayed.  i immediately unfollowed him on social media and my heart broke all over again, just not for him.  i no longer missed woojin, i missed the person that i thought that he was.  this might sound really overdramatic, but i have a bad habit of getting attached to celebrities that i look up to (thats a whole other thing to unpack) and knowing that i spent about a year maybe more idolizing someone so horrible made me absolutely sick to my stomach.

the dream situation

do i think dream modded his run?  initially, i wanted to defend him as i did watch this run live and i think that as a fan its somewhat natural to want to defend his abilities at the game, but since the full paper and geosquare video came out im a little more hesitant to hop onto one side.  personally i dont think that anyone as in the spotlight as dream would risk their reputation like that.  its just really not worth it at that point. that being said, i have watched geosquare’s video (didnt read the full paper tho bc i have the attention span of actual dirt) and the evidence doesnt look great for either side really.  what we are given makes it look very possible dreams game was modded but there were some flaws in the investigation(mostly in the data collection/sampling if im remembering correctly, again dirt).  i think im just going to wait to hear more from dream before i make an absolutely solid opinion on this.  

why did i feel the need to rant?

with all of that out there, the other night someone who calls himself my friend decided to bring up dream and this “scandal.”  i have one class with this person which is why we communicate relatively frequently, but the reason i also try to stay nice/civil with him is because he is friends with one of my friend’s boyfriend.  we used to be very close friends but we drifted and i have grown to dislike him for his ego and disrespect towards people that i care about. the other night, he decided to bring up dream very randomly and start pretty much shittalking and being very smug about “his career being over.”  honestly it wouldnt have been such a big deal but he decided to bring it up and address me directly knowing that dream is someone that i look up to.  i was extremely upset because at this point, i hadnt known a whole lot about the situation and was feeling a little betrayed. honesty is important to me, and if dream did in fact mod his game and cheat it will hurt a little bit.  my issue is that i just dont understand how someone could call themselves a “friend” and then proceed to be so smug about something that they know would be causing you pain regardless of it being brought up in actual conversation.  he knows what im like because we were extremely close in the past AND he knows about kpop and the fact that i was very hurt by the woojin situation so theres no way he didnt know what he was doing in that moment.

sorry for this its probably not even very coherent but ive had a bad couple of days for various reasons and i just wanted to get at least one thing off my chest.  if theres a mcyt side of tumblr and you find this: hi! ur cool.  thanks if you read this ik im a mess but ur amazing and beautiful and i hope u have a good day!

i agree how you described twt, sometimes everyone's just ready to fight it seems, i've genuinely had fun on both platforms at different times but now it's just too much on stan twt (no space for difference of opinion djsjdjj) it's good to know you're having fun as well :3 & omg i've seen few of my moots starting to give svt their attention after fallin flower dropped, everything abt it is <3333 the song, mv, choreo i love it.

hdjdjddkdjdj " virgos 😐 " also me in next breath "happy birthday mark :D i love you so much 🥺💕💗" any virgos reading this i really hope you enjoy your month to the fullest djjdjd <3. righttt?? you're correct abt mark's temper being very virgo djdjdkd.

your line screams hard-working people <3 jihoon, jaebeom, jeonghan the 3Js <3. isn't jaebeom also an infj? (i don't take mbtis seriously but at the same time it also makes me happy if it ends up matching someone i like djdjjd) chan & yugs 🥺 these two imo have the sweetest personality, like the one which makes you feel welcomed & they also have the cutest laugh 🥺.

i love jus2 <3 focus on me is one of my favorite kpop mvs of all time & also drunk on you??? i love this song so much, very sexy of them. the vibes, style and everything w/ their album, i want more songs like that. and for when i am feeling melancholy i need more songs like jjp's verse 2 😭💔 but i am also okay if they don't want to go back to these units bcoz everything so far they've been giving is just as great <33 ( maybe in future we'll get blessed w/ features 🥺)

honestly g7 as grp and individually have won me over with their music style, even if i don't like full album ik there will be 3-4 songs which will be exactly what i like to listen to, all of the music they've released individually i've liked it so much. there is this song of youngjae's, titled "i'm all ears" i had no idea of its existence until it popped up in my spotify i'm so glad it did, it's been in my playlist ever since. there was also a time when i was obsessed with jackson's 'on the rocks' djdjdk.

aww <3 the live performance video of 1° has mark as thumbnail so for long time i used to associate this song with him jdjddk. i think the only j*pe thing i'd miss is got7 studio live sessions 🥺. RIGHTJDKSKS aju nice's mv is very cute djjddk I love it, in reality its reverse tho, i see them and boom! 💖💛💗🤍💕💙

it was the year they won first bb*as award so that gave them the exposure, and no i don't follow them anymore. mixed feelings abt them, very negative feelings abt f*ndom fjdjdjd. i do miss what it used to feel like liking them sometimes. at that time i never thought i'll willingly drop them from my interest (i've stanned zayn since 2012 first him as grp member then solo. sometimes thinking abt it gives me a whiplash hddjks it's been 9 years, really thought it would be same with them too but it didn't happen)

i've had falling in love by yugs and in to you by jaebs on loop for days djdkdk i really love these two songs and also air by bammie <3 (i'm slow jams kinda person djdjdk :3)

(bam released the most fun album & title this year idc abt others, ribbon is one of the soty) also special mention of look so fine & running through the rain. yes! you do make sense they feel organic & very them.

exactly 😭 it's more believable when they drop stuff out of nowhere like encore 😭😭. the way youngjae posted his letter on twt too ddjjdkssk the announcement & release of encore is such a 'you just had to be there' situation the excitement, nervousness, confusion and everything 😭 sometimes i can't with them. also is the bibi with mark on ost, the same one you mentioned in last ask? the ost is really good <3, it must've been fun to see it happen (if its same bibi).

making a whole ass playlist just for me???? 😭😭😭🥺💗 yza you're so sweet nooooo 💖

and don't worry abt replying late jdjdkdjd i mean it, sometimes my friends text me after weeks and i'm am the same. it's really okay <3. i hope this week is treating you kindly, take care yza - 🪂

p.s ( just saw last post djjej) - it was me who manifested more bunny dino <3 manifesting even more <33

i was on stan twt during my younger years too and it was v fun and memorable to me ngl <3 idk what happened though.. it's evolved to be.. Something Else.. i still see a lot of good people there though 😭 and now that i'm in my Hag Era... idk it's just too fast for me now 😭 it's still my go-to place for updates though nothing can top twitter on that dept

and ms fallin flower.... i feel like everyone was blown away by it (based off of what i see carats when talk about it) and rightly so!! she SERVED. the looks too oh my god. it's another factor i look forward to and enjoy so much when i watch their performances!!

u know what? virgos 😐 indeed KJJKDFJKFDJKFDKJ i want to slander virgos today because it's their season and no one slanders them that often so <3 ABOUT MARK'S VIRGO TEMPER THOUGH... i know i've said i enjoy seeing it sm but whenever i think abt it i cant help but say that.. I Love His Temper <3 he doesn't get pissed off in a scary and douchebag-y way it seems so... contained?? IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT he punched an a/c though so that might not be the perfect word to describe him lmaoo <3

THE J TRINITY HFDJFJDJHDF BESTIE UR MIND IS SO!!!!!!!!!!! honestly... maybe it's the acts of service for me <3 JKDFKJFDKJFJKD i think this is just my eldest sister and savior syndrome speaking though kfjkdkjf ALSO OH MY GOD THE WAY U NOTICE THESE THINGS <3 THAT'S SO SEXIE OF U!!! and yes he used to be an infj!! there was an interview that's more recent wherein he mentioned that he's now an enfj though but i cant rmb which interview it's from :/ ALSO MOOD FKJJKGJGKF i dont believe in mbtis too but im just... a little obsessed w it for the fun of it all <3 and the way u described them </3 what if i tear up a little </3 I LOVE CHAN'S LAUGH SO MUCH BUT IM SO SOS O GLAD U BROUGHT UP YUGYEOM'S LAUGH??????????? IT'S NOT TALKED ABT ENOUGH LIKE...... HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! one of my bird moots said he sounded like a schoolboy in choir 😭😭😭😭😭😭

GOD UR TASTE!!!!!!! what if i start falling in l*ve a little :/ what then :/ focus on me was ahead of it's time and people fucking slept on THEM i cannot fucking believe this. this has to be some kind of sick joke 😭 ALSO HAVE U SEEN THE CHOREO FOR SENSES!!!!!!1 INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!! holy fuck!!!!!! sorry for the expletives but like.... holy SHIT they did THAT!!!!!!!! ALSO UR SO RIGHT </3 jjp verse 3 when... ALSO did u know i let go of the jjprojects url... thats the worst mistake of my life KDKJDSKJDSJK also agree wholeheartedly <3 i think they're all trying to find their footing this time around as soloists and im so proud of them for that!! i'll stand by my jus2 agenda though bc they're almost in the same company so maybe.. i might have hope left 😭

SO TRUE BESTIE!!! the same principle goes w svt for me as well <3 got7's such a flavorful group musically like... all of them have the capacity to go solo and they're still considered flops.. waht the fuck <3 ALSO OMG FJDKJFKFJD YOU'VE HEARD The Song!!!!!!!! maybe he'll be releasing something along those lines <3 esp now that he's supposedly coming w an album KJSJKDJSK on a similar note.. do u also listen to jamie (the other artist on the song) <3 NOO SHUT UP THIS CANNOT BE FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i was obsessed w on the rocks too 😭😭😭😭😭😭 IT WAS MY FAVORITE ON THE MIRRORS ALBUM HELLO??????????????????????????? im proposing to u rn

ok now i have to watch all the live vids again JKDSJKSJDKDSKJ ik keep saying 'ur so right', 'i agree', and 'so true bestie' but im gonna have to say this again bc i LOVE LOVE LOVE live sessions sm no matter the artist. i also just am a little partial to live bands in performances like that in general so JDJKKDSJDS

the way you're saying these cute things abt the svteenies.. </3 giving me heartache!!! i'd bully them though i can't coddle them anymore <3

not the fandom JKFDKJFDKJFDKJFKJF ok but i think it's mostly their younger fans tbh. it wasn't this bad before.. i also really liked bts during their debut days. their songs were really good!! i kind of lost interest though and couldn't really get into them although their songs slapped lol. my irls are still into them though so i still hear about them. 9 YEARS............................... wait oh my god it HAS BEEN a little over a decade since 1d was The Thing huh 😭 now i feel kinda old lmao. and i totally get that feeling </3 it really do be like that sometimes JKFDJKJKFD

you really ARE keeping up w the sevens oh my god how are you doing it!!!!!!!!!!! it's like getting svt content now at this point but more complicated bc u need to get the updates from different sources JDKJSDKJJSKD love ur song choices too <3

ALSO FULLY RELATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i saw bam's teasers... the aes was my cup of tea and THE HIGHLIGHT MEDLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't fucking get it out of my mind it's objectively one of the best things i've seen from kpop in 2021. i'm super impressed <3 love how abyss really supported bambam on this. they really went all in for him!!

I KNOW GKJDFJDK I GOT SUPER ???????/// DURING THE TIME EVERYONE THOUGHT THEY WERE DISBANDING LMAOOOO they pulled a move that's so unheard of though no one really expected That. i respect jaebeom so much for handling all the paperwork and shit behind the scenes it must've been HELL!! ALSO IT MEANT I CRIED FOR NOTHING THEN 😭😭😭 AND YES OH MY GOD IT'S THE SAME BIBI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SHOCK I HAD WHEN I SAW THE LIST????????????????????????? thought i was gonna black out like,,, mark,,, AND BIBI??????????????? she's fucking phenomenal how is she just a YEAR older than me.. INSANE!!! ... and i also thought jackson was gonna have an ost for this movie.. idk why it wasn't released though i didnt look into it :/

i had a rough few days so i'm not yet finished with the playlist (my laptop's Dead i am still trying to revive her and uni's starting soon 😭) but for the mean time, here's another one that some people from caratblr previously asked for JDSJKSDJ these are mostly english songs though its not my k-playlist KJDSKJSDJK

i do hope this week gets better!!! and i hope that you'll have a fun one too <3 thank u for being so patient w me 🥺 i just get so many messages and find the need to recharge FDKJDFJK

ALSO I FELT LIKE IT WAS U!!!!!! OH MY GOD, i even searched my blog for the word manifest but for some reason your ask didn't come up in the search so i didnt mention u in the tags so i wont misattribute if it ends up not being u 😭 thank u for manifesting this chan for me he's my little... hop hop now ig... 😭