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toinfinitywinning · 3 months

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confident about confidence & not confident that makes sense.

*real Quick. This (G)entry might make ur head spin. Could also Title : what you think no one knew. U tried it.

I wont ask for a raise of hands. Everyone deals with it. There’s no solution, no answer. Experience & being a dumbass——>Guidance and wisdom. There are many reasons I bring up confidence. One, it’s one of those words that’s not a word …it is a State of being. you just kind of don’t know where to place it b/c well, you’re not confident of where to land w/ it and even if you were you’d be like just leave it bc i don’t have time for this. to debate confidence v confidence? again Dog-ear the page or burn it bc im not even confident about THAT. Then once and only if it’s (the whole world of confidence) placed hyper-questioning kicks in: is that where it should be? Then… be and stay? Also am I losing it? I’m not confident about that but maybe. That’s always on the agenda you never agreed to and I AM confident about that i think.

If there is one constant in My Life it’s been My back n forth relationship with confidence. I have this thought daily, truly. I’ll say to myself ok yea I’m cute…

[insert any other compliment you give yourself or even receive by others only b/c you’re actually insecure— and just like the fact you’re still sick from being healthy (Me) it doesn’t make sense so bc it doesn’t make sense just I guess get over it and carry on]

…but R u cute enough to actually be happy and okay about that or do you want to change something? Take another chiseled mirror picture flexing? And u never went to a trainer? Feel better now? But I only got 3 likes. So idk.

Er No i think I’ve figured it out. Just dont eat. Exercise 2-4 hrs a day. Weights. 100 Push-up’s. 100 Calf raises. Repeat. Twice a Day if ya can. Anything to find confidence in the material. Find Pride. Only Pride you’re good at tho is the lgbtq spectrum and recently are glad it’s a spectrum since u have no idea where you fall into it anymore bc you’re not confident and it’s completely irrelevant b/c I can live between the letters+ the rest of my Life— that’s fine. Any of which could be foreshadowing of any category of Illness to come. But yea Now that you’re sick…you gotta trash your other Pride AGAIN b/c you can’t do anything without help.

10, 9, 8…my Tourette’s R throttled.

Then lately, aka the past 2 years—I can make the cute comment, i like my sun freckles and My eyes. My baby hairs when i wear a hat backwards. My smile. Just dont smile where you look fat or have a dbl chin bc you worked too hard to get all that weight off and how would that look if you just got fat again? Pitiful and weak and a fraud. Going back on your word b/c anything I declare Online is binding. So just Show some of your body in pics but not all so people dont think youre trying NOT to be totally honest with internet fame but so you still look confident. but as for doing anything about it…physically can’t now b/c trying to get better is not a good idea bc of POTS and Pppunishment for trying to be in shape but oh when u tried to be in shape never was not-not punishment. Then what…back to no confidence. Felt like My Face is cute but _______ oh, ill still think that later. Confident about that. Forget about iiit. Post it.

Then all the sudden youre not just fighting with yourself. there’s the whole social Media thing also including the “felt cute, might _____ later.” What R we doing later (?!) LOL. We say Shit that doesn’t make sense at all. (English still deemed the hardest language to learn b/c we have three versions of the same thing). Who decided why ppl need to know what we’re doing later if we are cute? LOL, Well then, I’m typically the later. I think. B/c if I even did feel cute I didn’t have enough confidence to say it, yea? Even if I was?

TRAP

This goes back to My eating Disorder(s)—which, is technically a fantastic eerily precluding example of the back and forth weight and confidence issues I’ve always had on and off. Ok so weight, up and down. Confidence obviously plays along. Self worth in that scale- turn the lights off. Can’t see your bones anymore, I’m doing something wrong. I’m healthier but I also have Long COVID-19? I lost all this weight and im fainting? Oh and science does back up that the reason u were so susceptible to getting sick is bc you got healthy! Your body was so assaulted it kicked into overdrive to help you but did a 180 gainer instead of the whole 360. So u Quit smoking. stopped drinking, et. Working on an eating disorder mixed of anorexia and exercise bulimia bc you used to be morbidly obese and lost 150 lbs and dammit you’re gonna let ppl know it for confidence’s sake. Do. Not. Waiver. Social Media is holding us all hostage and accountable.

That’s weak, Gentry. B/c if it’s on the Internet it’s REAL and it’s permanent. Keep it up. Don’t think about it too much.

Back to my body being so healthy it gets sick. The most laughable backwards bull shiggity I’ve ever been a part of. My Pleasure. Again, body got So healthy in fact, the health takes form and wants to protect you so badly that it turns turbo, fast, furious and wants to heal you SO fast and so well, well, it’s bad. And, AND, you cant do anything about that trust me your body is confident in that. Oh and also wait even tho u did follow all the covid safety rules half of America made fun of that is also irrelevant. Why? I’m confident the answer is bc What why? LOL. This gets Good, gets better. Need 2 years to explain. So book it in advance.

Speed ‘round to tie all the above mess? not confident I can do that with this entry. Can’t speed through any of this type Schitt in a few words. Forget a proofread.

Engine sputters. Then stops even sputtering. And pls stop using that word.

Pretty confident I can’t go anywhere now!

See now? Ofc you don’t.

Truly it was the beginning of the End. I’m confident about that. I do thank God for that tho. Not that this needed to happen but something needed to distract Me from myself and its prison only I could have built. Go ahead and add that pressure to your Tab too.

Me thinks i do. I sound Manic. And steroids influenced.

PS: if you take anything from this—these strategies of extremes to get extremes don’t work. They’re temporary. It’s more your mind than your body. They’re not going to make you happy everlasting.even Snow White got F’d temporarily and she was not even cute. There’s a shallowness to the extremes intoxication but unless like an Addiction you’re ready to Face and admit it honestly healing cannot Begin. TIME is on your side and most of the time you’d prefer it the other Way then the other Way. So This “advice”— or call it what you want— doesn’t just apply to confidence and the extremes we Will take so you CAN be all about you you you. Where is the line btw confidence Health and cockiness and a titch narcissism? The obsession—It Will leave you empty.

I just read the above and thank goodness I didn’t handwrite it b/c then you’d really have no chance of deciphering any part of it! Even so you may have to learn the hard Way like most of us. Something I’ll never understand but can look at somebody and know they’ve been there too.

Just do you. Don’t try so hard. You’ll be so tired. But just be present. That’s gonna bring joy. Not a scale. Not a selfie. What do YOU want. Trust my confidence on this at least. Ya can’t beat it. Truly is what is at your Core. What do people think first? I’m still unsure I want to know that anyway! Being yourself is terrifying. WHYYY?!

I need a scribe.

Don’t ask Me ;)

Be blessed.

Xx, g3

#Confidence #selfesteem #why #scared

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allcrush · 4 months

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oh nice. I have school in like 7 hours or so- when is your vacation till? By the way hereafter sounds so nice and chill I like it

till mondaaaay glad. u like iiit

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rrxnjun · 1 year

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it does fit him kinda but i also just can't imagine him just teaching someone maybe i just don't know awsten enough🫡WAIT HOW HAVE I NEVER HEARD ABOUT THAT???? but this is my new fav fact about them wow🥹 wahhh tommy does deserve everything he is a savior for real🫡 my minecraft addiction is unhealthy istg i don't think i will ever be able to get out of the phase at this point it's a lifestyle ngl 🤣🥲but i'm glad to hear that u also had a minecraft phase it's just such a fun game!! ohhh i never really got into sideman but they seem very funny that's for sure!!! tbh the first time i ever heard of alex will and memeulous was through probs wilbur but i listend to their podcast in quarantine and they were very funny tbh so i understand the chokehold!!!

I DID SEE SO MANY CLIPS FROM IT IM AO EXCITED FOR THE ALBUM I CANT WAIT!!! NINGNINGS SOLO WAS SO GOOD SHE IS JUST SO AMAZING EVERYTHING WISE ITS CRAZYYY and i'm going to be very upset if the solo songs do not make it to the album they will hear from my lawyers for sure!

take ur time with it u have the all the time in the world to listen to her! my fav song from her is definitely you're here that's the thing, it's like the cutest song ever but i also really love apple cider those two would probably be my favs and also sunny day as well!!!

WE LITERALLY ARE 🫢 it has never really happened to me before as well so i'm very surprised! I LOVE THE DIRVER ERA DUDEEE🥹 SO SAME LOVE THE MAN SO MUCH i will always be thankful for austin and ally for introducing me to the amazing man ross lynch is🫡 i listened to wallows and they are pretty good definitely will listen to them more however nothing dethroned scrawny for me so i'm staying with my basic as hell fav song🫡 BAEKHYUN HOWEVER I FOUND ONE OF MY NEW FAV ARISTS I THINK!!! amusement park is just so me core i love it so much!! claiming it as my song hihi! but the whole ep was🤌🤌🤌(i still believe in u beating him one day!!!)

OH MY UR REVIEW JUST MADE MY WHOLE DAY MY GOD!!!🥹 IM VERY GLAD THAT U DIDNT REALLY DISLIKE ANY OF THEM AND THE FACT THAT SOME OF THEM MADE IT TO UR PLAYLIST IS JUST🥹🥹IM VERY GLAD THAT U ENDED UP LIKING SOME OF THEM🥹🥹🥹

lovely neighbor!!! hi!!🤭i think i knew that u were slovak but i kinda forgot:( HOWEVER I MIGHT ACTUALLY VISIT SLOVAKIA IN LIKE 2 WEEKS OR SO!! VERY EXCITED TO SEE THE COUNTRY!🥳(or more like the one city we will be visiting)

IM GLAD U ENJOYED!! I ENJOYED TALKING ABOUT MUSIC VERY MUCH AS WELL AND THANK U FOR LISTENING TO THE HUNGARIAN SONGS U ARE VERY LOVELY FOR IT!!! and also if u have any slovak song recommendation tell it to me pls as well!

LMAO NO PROBLEM FOR WRITING HER AS A CHEATER I KNEW THERE WAS PROBABLY NOT LIKE "ANY GOOD REASON" THAT U WROTE HER AS THAT BUUUT HAVING A CRUSH ON MY GF💔💔HOW COULD U /j

LMAO probably most likely it would be similar but i actually want to see them and like properly throw jisung up in the air like i still think about that every time i see jisung!! u portrayed it so well my lord!!!! oh my the renjun bathtub pics inspiring it just makes it even more perfect my god!!! THE LAST SCENE IS JUST SO SUPER GREAT IM VERY GLAD UR INNER JOHN GREEN PULLED THROUGH XD I LOVE IT WHEN MEN ARE SIMPS ITS SO RARE BUT I LOVE IIIT🫡 i wrote it right after i read it and my emotions were all over the place it showed very much i think xd AND THAT IS CRAZY WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT PLAYINGGGG (liebestraum anon💕💕)

no thats so valid i couldnt imagine him being a guitar teacher either LMAO. and tommy deserves the world for that song alone AHAH also i understand the minecraft lifestyle the other day i wanted to download it too but it didnt work and i am not paying for that game so i just gave up after a while lmaoo. sidemen are funny sometimes but sometimes they also miss w their humor so take it as you will AHAHA. i didnt listen to the eboys podcast if u mean that one!! i am not a podcast girlie tbh i dont enjoy listening to people talk jfkdals but their videos were honestly my favs. also i sometimes still watch george memelous drinking vids where they watch terrible movies because i just think that is peak comedy

MY GIRLFRIEND NINGNING DID SO WELL the solo is stuck in my brain i NEED A STUDIO VERSION ASAP. i honestly never really stanned any girlgroups but aespa have such a chokehold on me istg- my friend said its only bc theyre the girl version of nct sound-wise and i was like :D ok then.

I STILL HAVENT LISTENED TO BEABADOBEE BUT I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU A REVIEW OF THESE IN YOUR NEXT ASK

no bc when austin and ally aired i was fundamentaly changed as a human. everything about ross lynch was just- DFJKA i even watched the teen beach movie like three times because i had such a crush on him LMAO. i wasnt really ever big on r5 (however i still have some of their songs in my playlist) but the driver era are sososo good. scrawny is so good!!! i think my fav from wallows (at least atm) is definitely wish me luck. it has such a good sound and the lyrics are honestly sososo good ugh. YES CLAIM AMUSEMENT PARK!!! ITS ONE OF MY FAV SONGS EVER AHHH i personally claim bambi because it's my nickname irl and when he came out w the song i lost my shit so hard i made it my whole entire personality. (thank u for believing in me. rather than beating hyuck i now fantasize about us going to a baekhyun concert together in my dreams<3)

THANK U TO INTRODUCING ME TO HUNGARIAN MUSIC!! i really have nothing against trying songs in diff languages if thats what you were afraid of!! i really enjoyed all of the songs they were so vibey<33 your music taste>>> AHAHA ITS OKAY IF U FORGOT IM SLOVAK i mean i dont really talk abt it here as much?? on my main tho,,, i dont shut up about the fact i even shitpost in slovak sometimes bc i just can. slovak music recs are hard for me to give bc i dont listen to slovak music much?? and the ones i do listen to i would get clowned for in slovakia bc they are just objectively not good songs but theyre my guilty pleasure AHAHA but if you really do wanna listen to some i recommend my by yael (it was in my top 10 on spotify wrapped last year LMAO), vďaka ti by yael and puerto (which is a badbunny cover lmao but listen to the ver on youtube and not spotify bc the spotify one sucks ass), valeriya by samey (THIS is a guilty pleasure for sure. the rap is weird but the lyrics are beautiful), staré časy by medial banana, káva by medial banana, záverečná by iné kafe, nad prahou by zoči voči and včera som miloval by fishing strip (for some good slovak punk rock<3) ALSO WHICH CITY ARE U VISITING (if u wanna tell me ofc)

the renjun bathtub pics....altered my brain chemistry so much iykwim. like i knew my man was hot but i didnt know he could get THIS hot. AHAHA MEN BEING SIMPS IS RARE BUT SO FUCKING GOOD thats why i even started my series in the first place the original title was the simp diaries bc its all about men being simps AHAHAHA

#💌ask #liebestraum anon #i think the whole dash is gonna hate us for the lengthy interactions but i honestly do not care block the tag if youre pressed mwah

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silverteresa · 3 years

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charged-wanderlust here, thanks for ur feedback on my fic it means a lot to me ;v; im so glad u liked it!!

I looved iiit! I love Ruelle x Piama x MC , i would have loved a poly route and your fic was 😍🤤👌 so thank you !

#ask

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cherryonigiri · 4 years

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I just found & followed your blog through "when and where" and dang, was it so heartbreaking!! I loved everything about it, the reader's dilemma about their relationship, the way the argument progressed & felt real even over the phone, and tooru's characterr writingg. Aaaaaa it's a definitely a masterpiece and i'm v much anticipating the next part! Sorry for rambling & hope you a good day!! Congrats on 500 u def deserve iiit! 💕💕

OMG I’m so glad that you enjoyed it??? It means the world to me that you would take time out of your day to write me a message. Gosh idk how to even describe how grateful I am seeing this + everyone’s reblogs.

I guess i’m also going to use your lovely ask as an excuse to share a bit about the process of writing ‘when and where.’ aka. alice overshares and exposes herself as a mess.

Honestly the argument was the most stressful part of writing the first part. I was so worried about the pacing, how it flowed through the rest of the piece. I wanted to spend time really exploring how the reader felt, and particularly didn’t want to feel like the dialogue became secondary to the introspection. It was so hard balancing the very small amount of dialogue with the huge amount of emotion/thinking that I wanted to write out. First draft of this was honestly a 2k+ word monster and a lot of what i edited out/saved for later came from those moments of having the reader just experience feeling and thinking. If I’m being super nitpicky I would personally say that the transitions between the different emotions (that both Tooru and the reader experience) are sometimes not the smoothest. Then again, I guess an argument is a very volatile situation, so perhaps the emotions are meant to be experienced in a more jagged/raw way rather than gradually fading into one another.

Also, the whole thing about Tooru’s characterization and the reader’s dilemma. I think one of the things I really wanted to portray in ‘when and where’ is that neither the reader or Tooru are “right.” You can see they both have their flaws - neither of them dealt with the situation in a way that took into consideration their partner’s values/feelings. I think that is what I also stressed out about. My very first draft/outline was honestly such a shit show--I thought the Tooru I’d written was the most toxic/terrible boyfriend and be basically had gone radio silent except for texts. But then as I really delved into his characterization and thinking about how to tie his belief in being “the best” in the anime into a relationship I realized that I had to add his own thoughts (via. dialogue + the reader’s previous knowledge of him in context) to make the conflict seem more ambiguous. Vice versa - the reader has their own faults too. They assume a lot, they never confront or discuss Tooru’s approach to training/returning with him, in general the reader “clings” too much to what they believe they are - shy, unassuming, or “less that Tooru.” Sure, Tooru helped build their confidence up but the reader’s sense of self and confidence is somewhat dependent on Tooru. So (although they have yet to realize it yet) they are at some what of a crossroads - where through Tooru’s efforts they have begun to cultivate the skills/awareness they need to feel confident about their friendships/other relationships but have yet to really use that. I was high key worried about how Tooru was going to come off to you’all because tbh he kinda seemed like an asshole when I was writing this. I’m glad you think that I was able to capture his character in a good way though ❤️

Also a bunch of people mentioned the line “Because you can only see me as the finish line, not as someone who runs beside you.” I’m glad you all did because I wrote about 100 different versions of this one line trying to make some kind of sport/goal analogy for Tooru.

Anyways, I might do something like this again for the next part(s? Idk i might have 3 parts i’m really not sure). But yeah it was really fun to see and respond to your feedback 😊

#alice talks #alice writes #when and where: the debrief

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audpocalypse · 5 years

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[grabs a pillow and settles lower into the bed,]

...Actually, no one was home! Or at least, no one answered the door. We ended up sitting around the Lerkim porch for hours, waiting for him to show up...

Ted: Once-lerrrr!!....[groans] Man! What gives, we came all the way out here...

Audrey: [paps her cheek one more time before pausing] pbhh... Hmmn, didn’t think we’d have a Schrodinger situation, huh.

Ted: [glances over at Audrey] ,,A Schroder whatnow?

Audrey: [glances back at him] It means, we couldn’t really know whether he’d be around or not until we got here. [pointedly looks away again] Thaaat’s the less morbid meaning, anyway.

Ted: --HahaH,,! C’mon, no worries! I’m sure he’s just uh, gooone out for a walk! Yeah! He’s gotta come back sometime...

Audrey: Iiit’s okay, Ted, [stands up] we can always try another day--

Ted: –I mean, no, it has to be–I really wanted it to be–[crosses his arms and looks up at the Lerkim again in frustration] mngh,…today was special,,

Audrey: ...,,Well,...mmmfine, then. We’ll wait a little longer.

Ted: Yeah,,? Okay,

Audrey: [sits back down and patpats the spot beside her~] Come sit with me, though.

Ted: ,,.. [siiighs and sits down beside her, leaving a respectable space between them]

Audrey: [scoots right up against him]

Audrey: Thanks for taking me out today, either way.

Ted: Of course,,// wasn't too bad of a drive, right? Aaapart from that one loose brick before the canyon archway. That was my bad.

Audrey: Mm mm, I trusted you.

Ted: Heh, good...

Audrey: Lerkim today, the rest of the world tomorrow~

Ted: We’ll hit up any place you want, no matter how far. Just you wait--

Audrey: [amused] “We”?

Ted: Ah--I mean,,...y-yyeah? If you wan--mmMMM nahhhaha, did I say “we”??

Audrey: I’d love to.

Ted: --I meant, in the general sense, you know? Thneedville’s still got a long way to go, but with the city branching out eventually--

Audrey: We can be travel partners.

Ted: --Oh.....................,,,ok a y,,

Audrey: Hehe,, [kicks her feet idly] Oh, the places we’ll go~

Ted: Haha,...mm...sssorry, I’ll make sure your next birthday is better.

Audrey: Aww, this one’s already been really good, though, if you ask me. [scoots away and leans down to drag her backpack up]...Do you think we’ll still be living in a desolate valley a year from now? I’ve been eyeing a few vacation spots from that Seussional Geographic magazine I showed you.

Ted: Heh,,

Ted: You mean the one that you made us read together front and back in the park and then I got grounded for staying out so late?

Audrey: That's the one. Wait, you got grounded?

Ted: [waves his hand] It was worth it, so no biggie... I was thinking next year we could party it up in Katroo.

Audrey: Hmm orrr enjoy some peace and quiet at McElligot's Pool?

Ted: ...McGrew's Zoo.

Audrey: The Jungle of Nool!

Ted: Solla Sollew!

Audrey: Slab Ci--Solla Sollew?

Ted: Yeah?

Audrey: I dunno if I wanna go to go to yet another seemingly perfect, wall-enclosed city stewing in their own perceived happiness... [fiddles with the backpack buckle...]

Ted: Oh,,uh, well I thought it’d be a good place to start, just for that reason, actually. It’s like Thneedville, but...but done right, you know? And maybe we can take ideas from there to bring back here. Besides, the Once-ler seemed pretty enthusiastic about it--

Audrey: [sits up straight] The Once-ler,?

Ted: Yeah, back when I was trying to find out how to get a--er,, trying to find out what happened to the trees,... He kindaaa, went on a tangent? About all the places he visited before ending up in this valley.

Audrey: [click-flips open her backpack, listening...]

Ted: And then, when I tried to get him back on track, he just kept blabbing on and on about, how great it was in “sweet, sunny Solla Sollew”, with its flowers and its Wah-Hoo “Ri-vur”--

Audrey: Interesting. Let’s go.

Ted: And--huh??

Audrey: Forget what I said before, okay? It...it's kinda ignorant of me to write off a place that I hadn’t even tried visiting. [u u,,] I should give things a chance.

Ted: And you’re...sure it’s not just ‘cause the Once-ler promo-ed it--

Audrey: ,,Pfft! No,,...but a Once-ler did let me try a real milkshake not too long ago. It’s opened my eyes to a world of possibilities. [pulls out the bag of marshmallows Ted had made her bring along]

Ted: Uh, didn’t he make you cry--

Audrey: [ignores his statement and keeps talking] They probably have good food there. Real food. Real animals! Real plants?? Maybe even...a real ocean, can you imagine!? There’s so much out there that we haven’t experienced. I wanna try it all. I wanna see it all. So, that’ll include Solla Sollew.

Ted: ...,,Psh,, glad I was able to convince you, then,...

Audrey: Yep, it was totally you.

Ted: ...[shruuugs] Still kinda weird to know there’s more than one Once-ler.

Audrey: Aww, I don’t mind...

Ted: Oh, Seuss, what if there are multiples of us, too...don’t know if I’m ready for that.

Audrey: ...

Ted: ...Eh, forget it. M’sure it’s just a Once-ler thing.

Audrey: ...Mm, and I’mmm sure you’ll always be the only Ted for me, anyway...

Ted: Wh--I better be!!

Audrey: ,,pffhaHAHAHA!!

............

#truffula flu #audtree #ted wiggins #miru art #anonymous #bad omens #Thanks #...#And no #[...closes her eyes]#I didn't get to meet my Once-ler that day.#day 176

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ittybittypbandj · 6 years

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The Internship - Chapter 1

Trying my hand at a multi-chapter Bittyparse fic! 5 chapters, weekly updates. Also on ao3. <3

Summary:

Eric Bittle arrived in New York two weeks ago, newly single and ready for a fresh start. This internship was just what he needed to jumpstart his life.

Kent Parson loved his life in New York. He was at the peak of his NHL career. He had friends, the world's greatest cat, and everything he thought he needed.

He never expected a small Southern blonde to burst into his life and turn everything on its head.

Bitty frowned hard at the red bowtie. He twisted away from the mirror, tugging it off as he reached for the lavender one. Lordy, lavender was just as bad. How had all his favorite ties had become gauche overnight?

His mama had reassured him over Skype last night, "Don't worry, Dicky. You'll do great. You'll charm the socks off 'em. Before you know it, they'll be movin' you over to that food magazine you love so much." And he was gonna prove her right. He just needed to put in a little time, show them what he could do.

But how could he do it in a tie that screamed I don't know what I'm doing and by the way I’m bad with animals?

Okay fine, maybe it wasn't the tie's fault. If this were Jack’s first game of the season, Bitty would be reminding him to breathe right about now. He would be alright. He was Eric Richard Bittle. He could land a double Axel with his eyes closed and bake a flourless chocolate cake in Georgia in July. He could do this.

Bitty had moved to Brooklyn two weeks ago, eager to start his new internship in Manhattan. For the next three months he would be a Social Media Associate for Fancy Feline cat food. The job paid a stipend - not much, but enough to finance his matchbook-sized bedroom and name-brand butter - and there was a possibility at the end to extend his contract. It wasn't exactly his dream job, but what was a boy supposed to do? A year out of college, a degree in American Studies, and no experience? Employers weren't exactly banging down his door with offers.

A year ago, Bitty thought Jack was his future. At graduation, he had plans of moving in with Jack, finding a job in Providence, and settling down into their shared life.

After Bitty moved to Providence, he’d sent resume after resume to employers but couldn’t find a job. Jack was out of town frequently and Bitty didn’t have any local friends – Lardo and Shitty and Holster and Ransom were all in Boston, which was just far enough away to be logistically difficult – and he found himself more isolated than he expected.

Bitty also realized that he’d only experienced Jack’s intensity and anxiety through the rosy lens of infatuation. They both struggled with the shift in their living situation, lord knows it was as hard on Jack as it was on him. In April when Jack’s playoff run ended abruptly from a wrist injury and an eight-week recovery, Bitty’d been ready to poke out his own eye rather than face another day of both of them at home, dancing around the fact that this just wasn’t working.

And so, after they’d finally talked and cried and shared a joint session with Jack’s therapist, Bitty and Jack called it quits and Bitty tearfully phoned Lardo to break the news. He’d stayed on her and Shitty’s lumpy couch in Boston for two months while Shitty called in a family favor and helped him land this internship.

Even after everything, Bitty was feeling hopeful. All he needed was a few months' experience and a job on his resume more substantial than ‘running a baking vlog’. He took a deep breath and released it, checked his hair one last time, queued up Queen Bey on his headphones, and headed for the subway.

_/_/_/ \_\_\_

Bitty’s first day at the office was a whirlwind of new faces and information. Meesha, Bitty’s fellow intern and apparently the person in charge, led him on a brisk tour through the office and he practically skip-jogged to keep up with her. While they walked, she peppered him with information about the department.

"You’ll coordinate the images and story for all the social media platforms, and you’ll directly manage the endorsement relationships." Meesha glanced over her shoulder to check that he was keeping up. "I do all the site and ad placement, and Tito runs the admin side. We're all a hot mess this week prepping for Kit, but don’t worry - we'll get you settled in just fine."

"Kit?" Bitty asked.

"Oh yeah, Kit Purrson. She's launching as the face of Fancy Feline in, like, three weeks. Totes adorbs and has a crazy-ass following. We've got, like, a zillion things to do to get ready. I'm sure you'll jump right in. You've used Visio, right?"

By lunch, Bitty’s head was swirling with acronyms and spreadsheets. It felt a little like in figure skating when he’d come out of a scratch spin too fast - the world was wobbly and the colors were spinning, but he was confident it would right itself if he grinned and skated through it.

"Heeeey, how's our new boy doin'?" someone yelled as they passed his and Meesha’s cubicle. Bitty spied styled black hair over the cubicle wall.

"Hey Tito!” Meesha called back. “He's great!"

Tito appeared from around the corner, eight coffees in two to-go containers balanced masterfully on one arm. He read the lids and carefully passed one to Meesha. "You guys ready for our guest today? I’m totally having him sign something.”

Meesha rolled her eyes as she inhaled the fragrant coffee. “You are seriously the lamest. Sports are a consumerist construct and the guy is basically, like, Kit’s chaperone. She’s the real star.”

Tito laughed and offered a cup to Bitty, “Hey Eric, I wasn’t sure what to get you. How’s a vanilla sugar oat milk latte? It’s the special across the street.”

Bitty grinned. “Thanks, hon!” His first day was turning out pretty great.

Meesha steered Bitty into a large conference room. Tito ran to his desk for a hat and marker before joining the people assembling around the conference table. Lordy, he hadn’t been lying about an autograph. Who was this guy?

A dozen folks chatted quietly around the table. Their guest was apparently running late, and Meesha took the opportunity to fill Bitty in on launch plans. As she was explaining the finer points of multi-platform synchronization, Bitty heard a man’s laughter down the hall. His ears perked up. Did he know that voice? Surely it couldn’t be –

Bitty’s head jerked up as an effortlessly well-dressed man in a royal blue snapback stepped into the room. Their eyes locked.

Oh lord. Kent Parson.

_/_/_/ \_\_\_

Kent scowled at Kit, his chin resting on his hands on the cold hardwood.

“C’mon, baby, you’ve got to eat it.”

Kit sniffed the dish daintily, nonplussed.

“I know, princess,” he wheedled, “but daddy’s going to make you the most famous li’l furbaby on the internet. You’ll pass grumpy cat like he forgot how to frown. All you have to do is eat the gross food.”

Kit mrowled in disapproval and Kent rearranged his awkward limbs. So this is what his adulthood had come to, he mused. Two condos, three sports cars, a slew of hockey awards, and apparently a cat too picky to eat the goddamn food she was paid a shitload of money to represent.

Tonight’s standoff had lasted an hour, and Kent would be damned if he let Kit win again.

He scratched his nose. He probably should be doing the prep work the Fancy Feline team needed before Kit’s photo shoot. At the meeting today, they’d given him a to-do list that rivaled his off-season training goals. He was supposed to check with Eric Bittle if he had any questions.

Speaking of which, why had Eric Blast-from-the-Past Bittle even been there today? Kent would have appreciated a goddamn heads-up, that’s for sure.

Eric looked good, he thought. A little taller and sharper than he remembered. His hair game was on point. Kent had only seen him a couple times in the four years since the Samwell party where they first met, and of course Eric had grown up, but seriously – he was hot now.

But why the hell was he in New York City? And was this related to the charming, old-man text messages Jack had started to send Kent out of the blue a month ago?

Kent debated texting Jack to ask, but it was a horrible idea. Either Jack and Eric were still together and Jack would send awkward Canadian nonsense about how great Eric was, or they weren’t together and Jack would get pissed and shut Kent out of his life again.

Kent sighed and climbed to his feet, heading to the refrigerator for Kit’s specialty wet food and a glass of white wine to wash down the bitter taste of defeat. He would fight the cat food battle another day. As Kit scarfed down hand-seared filet mignon, Kent sipped his wine and fiddled with his phone.

Kent: hey dude what’s up? I saw your boy today.

Jack: Hey Kent.

Jack: What?

Well shitballs, this was already turning out to be a terrible idea. No turning back now, Kent reasoned.

Kent: Eric was at a business meeting today. all suited up and shit.

Kent: what’s he doing in NYC? u guys ok?

Jack: Oh.

Jack: We broke up in April.

Kent: shit Zimms, that really blows. he seemed like a cool guy

Jack: Yeah.

Kent: sometimes it just doesn’t work out, y’know? i’m sure you’ll find somebody great

Jack: How was the meeting?

Kent: oh

Kent: it was good. boring as watching ice melt but productive I guess

Kent: eric looks good, I mean not in a weird creepy way but he looks like he’s doing ok?

[Jack is typing…]

[Last message received 8:54pm]

Kent: hey, did you see the new netflix show where ordinary people recreate fancy cakes and that crazy lady yells at everybody?

Kent: it’s the tits

Jack: No, but I’ll check it out.

Kent: dooo iiit

Jack: What’s the name?

Kent: fuck if I know. it’s the one with the previews of nasty looking cakes and ppl getting screamed at. you can’t miss it. it’s a goddamn gem.

Jack: Sounds like it.

Jack: And, thanks Parse. I’m glad he’s doing OK.

Kent: no problem man

Kent: any time

_/_/_/ \_\_\_

Bitty paced all eight feet of his bedroom, back and forth, back and forth.

He was supposed to be starting a new life! In a city of eight million people, how had he stumbled upon the one person connected to his life with Jack? And how was he supposed to be professional and work with said person, when everyone (well, maybe just Bitty) knew that he was secretly a manipulative asshole?

Good gracious, he might be freaking out just a little. He needed reassurance. Who could he talk to that knew the situation and would be supportive and not weird?

Bitty: LARDOOOOO

Lardo: BITTTYYYY

Lardo: Why the yelling, Bits?

Bitty: I am coordinating a photo shoot at Kent Parson’s house next week. KENT PARSON’S HOUSE

Lardo: That’s sick bro.

Lardo: They’re giving you a lot of responsibility right away. Nice.

Bitty: -_-;

Bitty: I think you’re missing the point

Bitty: KENT PARSON KENT PARSON KENT PARSON

Lardo: Lol Bitty cool your jets. He’s been pretty chill lately, hasn’t he?

Bitty: If you mean ‘not making my boyfriend have any more panic attacks’, then yes he’s been chill

Bitty: But I’d say that’s a VERY low bar to hurdle

Lardo: Have you met him yet? How was it?

Lardo: Does he know you and Jack broke up?

Bitty: I’m pretty sure he didn’t know who I WAS

Bitty: Period.

Lardo: No way, dude. You’ve meet him multiple times, right?

Bitty: twice, 3 times if you count the disaster at the Haus

Lardo: He totally remembers you, dude. You’re unforgettable.

Lardo: You’re like a delightful minor superhero.

Lardo: You’re Antman.

Bitty: Ugggghhh this is the worst

Bitty: and Antman, seriously? We are SO gonna talk about that later

Lardo: Bitty, bro of my heart, it’s truth time. You sitting down?

Bitty: *sits*

Lardo: Good.

Lardo: Here’s the thing. Kent Parson is just a dude. A dude with some fucked-up history respective to one JLZ, but still just a dude.

Bitty: I know, but…

Lardo: Hush, Padawan.

Bitty: -_- *hushes*

Lardo: He’s probs not an evil person. You’ve only ever seen him in relation to J, and they went thru some messed up shit as kids. When he’s not dealing with that, he’s probably a boring-ass adult with a job and a cat. You can’t judge him forever based on the 3 times you’ve met.

Lardo: Was he awful the other times?

Bitty: Well no, mostly just at Epikegster

Bitty: But he was Really Bad that time

Lardo: I get it Bits, but if that’s his only awful moment, then the dude already has like a 67% not-awful rate.

Bitty: So you’re saying I’m all worked up over nothin?

Lardo: Maybe? Give him a chance.

Lardo: You don’t have to be BFFs. Just be professional and friendly until he gives you a reason not to be. If it turns out he’s a dickhead, you have my blessing to fuck up his shit.

Bitty: Thanks Lards. Mind if I snap you outfit choices later?

Lardo: Do it. Matching polish?

Bitty: Yes’m but toes only. I miss your help with fingers. It gets all smudgy when I do it

Lardo: I miss you, bro.

Bitty: You too :-*

_/_/_/ \_\_\_

Kent pressed the center button on his phone again…8:51am. This was officially the longest morning in the history of time.

So far he’d gone for a run, made a smoothie, showered, arranged the throw pillows, hidden the dopey photo of him and his sis at Disneyland, brushed Kit. Now he was sitting on the couch, running shoes bouncing on the marble coffee table as he waited for the Fancy Feline team to arrive. Maybe he should make coffee? He hopped up, re-fluffed the pillows, and headed to the kitchen.

The crew arrived promptly at nine, accepting the hot mugs of coffee Kent passed around. Eric shook his hand and started up a pleasant and professional stream of small talk as the photographer set up tripods and the assistant unfolded white umbrellas.

Unfortunately, Kit decided this was her party and she could hide if she wanted to. She spent the first hour perched on the bookcase, refusing to budge for treats or catnip.

Kent couldn’t blame her. Usually it was just her and him in the apartment, and even when he had people over, she generally ignored them and slept in the bedroom on the Monsieur Taco pillow he won her at Coney Island. Having a half-dozen strangers in her space, hovering over her with cameras and lights? He’d probably peace out too, if he were her.

After thirty minutes and no success, Kent relinquished the catnip to the assistant and excused himself to start a fresh pot of coffee. From the kitchen counter, he found himself watching Eric.

Eric was frowning as the drama unfolded, his lean torso hunched in concentration. His right foot tapped impatiently on the rug. It wasn’t Eric’s job to get Kit to participate. Eric had explained this to Kent while they were setting up, that his role today was to make sure they got all the shots they needed for the campaign.

As Kent watched him now, Eric nodded to himself like he’d made a decision and marched over to the bookcase. He began talking animatedly with the photographer and gesturing rapidly, taking charge of the situation like a tiny major general. Kent was impressed. Hell, even Kit watched him with interest.

Kent felt a little like a jerk – he’d always thought Eric was childish and annoying, based on their past brief interactions and Eric’s animated Twitter feed (not that he’d internet stalked him, pssh). But maybe Kent had it wrong. This version of Eric seemed full-to-bursting with charisma and natural leadership. Hell, even Queen Kit respected it.

As Eric directed the strategy to coax Kit off her perch and over to the windowsill, Kent couldn’t help but stare. Eric glowed warm and golden, like Southern sunlight was radiating from his pores. He looked good in control.

Kent’s stomach did a pleasant swoop as he thought about Eric taking control in other ways. Or what it would take to convince Eric to give up that control, to go soft and pliant and let Kent – or someone, whatever – do the controlling.

His chest tingled warmly. This probably wasn’t the best train of thought for a professional gathering; nothing like sporting a quarter chub at ten a.m. with people here to photograph your cat. He sighed, rearranged his junk, and headed back into the living room with the coffee pot.

The rest of the shoot ran smoothly. Kit, once she felt comfortable, totally hammed it up for the camera. Eric took behind-the-scenes videos and sent the best ones to Kent. They all shared high-fives when a video Kent tweeted of himself ineptly juggling cat toys got retweeted by George Takei. In celebration of their good social media fortune, Kent poured everyone mimosas.

Before Kent knew it, it was late afternoon and the photographer’s assistant started to disassemble the equipment. Eric herded everyone to the sofa where he handed out packets of instructions and debriefed them on next steps, and then the crew shook hands and headed out one by one.

As Kent shut the door after the last person, he wandered into the kitchen to find Eric still in the apartment, loading the dishwasher.

“Dude, you really don’t need to do that. I can do it after you go.”

“Kent Parson,” Eric scolded, “my mama would never forgive me if I left a host with a mess to clean up. It’s nothin’, really.”

“Thanks, man,” Kent replied. It was cool of Eric to offer and, if Kent was being honest, he probably would have left it a mess until his housecleaner came tomorrow. He started to consolidate cardboard containers of Chinese food.

They worked in silence in the spacious kitchen, making quick work of the cleanup. Kent caught Eric humming to himself. He recognized the tune – All For You by Janet Jackson – and sang along to Eric’s humming.

Eric let out a surprised huff, his cheeks pink. “Oh lordy! Was I singing that out loud?”

Kent just laughed and pulled out his phone, and one of his favorite pop mixes began playing from hidden speakers. Eric bopped his head to Janelle Monae as he dried the glasses. Kent lip-synced into a bottle of soy sauce like it was a microphone.

As Kent reached around Eric’s shoulder to place the wine glasses on a high shelf, their eyes met and Kent winked. He’d enjoyed a few mimosas and Eric was cute, so sue him. He just thought it’d be fun to make Eric blush, and his efforts were thoroughly rewarded. Eric’s blush spread from his face down his neck, reddening the soft skin at the base of his throat.

Kent felt the warm tingly feelings in his chest again. Shit, Eric was cute.

Abruptly, Eric turned and said, “I really should get going. We’ve got the kitchen under control and I need to upload these videos before tomorrow.”

Kent felt oddly deflated, although of course Eric was going to leave when they finished cleaning. He should probably apologize in case his wink had made Eric uncomfortable. Kent spent his days around gross hockey players, maybe he’d just committed some corporate sexual harassment shit and he didn’t even know it. Kent fished around for something to say that didn’t make him sound like a creeper.

He smiled and tried, “Kit really enjoyed having you here today. You’re good with cats.”

“Ha, thanks.” Bitty twisted the dishtowel in his hands. “I’m not really a cat person, but Kit’s great. Y’all’ve got a really special bond.”

“Maybe you could come over and get some more candid shots sometime?” Kent made a face. For Christ’s sake, he sounded ridiculous. “I mean, the ones today were really good.”

Eric’s face did something complicated. Kent watched him bite his bottom lip.

“Thanks,” Eric replied finally, “but no. I should go.”

“Oh,” Kent exhaled, “Yeah, of course. Sure thing, man.”

Kent helped Eric retrieve his things and walked him to the entryway. As Kent shut the door behind him, he rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

He was so fucked.

#bittyparse #eric bittle #kent parson #kit purrson #omgcp #omgcp fanfic #omgcp fic #kent plays for the rangers #and kit purrson is queen of the world #well queen of my heart #hope you like it!#this is my first time posting tumblr fic #pls tell me if I'm doing it wrong!

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cardhouseandthecage · 6 years

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@lilac-buttons replied to your post “dissolution”

I love this!!!!!!!!!!! I like how it's both calm and slightly unsettling, and I like how it integrates backstory and world building into such a short piece, and setting up the dynamic between the denizens and the cardmaster :D (And as much as I want to draw you comics for side stories I very much want a NOVEL and very specifically a novel written by you)

;~~; AAHHH Im so glad u liked iiit. iyour appreciation for my prose truly clears my pores, waters my crops

i AM VERY TRYING to produce a novel,,,type...thing. it,. it hard. this little scene is the sort of thing i excel at. plot? ahaha ha haa just shoot me

#but we try #someday #thank

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kittenwritesstuff · 7 years

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Drunk in love

Fandom: Once Upon A Time Pairing: Rumplestiltskin/ Mr. Gold x reader Genres: mention of alcohol, awkwardness, mild fluff Words: 1.505 Summary: Reader has a one too many drinks which gives her courage to confess her feelings for Gold. Next morning, she has to face the shame - requested by Anonymous

“Don’t do iiit, honey,” Ruby warns, her voice a bit slurred. You’ve been having a girls’ night, you and Emma deciding that after a week of various unexpected events you should finally relax and you definitely earned a drink. Or two.

So, you invited Mary Margaret and Ruby to a club and the four of you are now more or less drunk. And, given that alcohol usually makes it easier to open up, Ruby asked a question about your current love interests.

Mary Margaret only blushed and said she wasn’t interested in anyone in particular. She wasn’t a very good liar but neither of you wanted to embarrass her so you kept your mouths shut.

Ruby confessed that men were more and more boring to her, although she wouldn’t mind hooking up with that cutie sitting by the bar. He was, indeed, good-looking.

Emma mumbled that she had enough of men for the rest of her life and that Henry was her priority at the moment. You’ve never been prouder.

And you… well, tequila definitely went to your head and so, without thinking twice, you told the girl the name of your crush, instantly silencing them all.

After all, nobody would guess that you were head over heels in love with none other than Mister Gold. You can’t tell what precisely made him so irresistible and wanted by you. Maybe it’s his confidence, so close to arrogance? Maybe the way he speaks, that accent of his and smirk, ever present on his face?

Age difference? Please, those trivial things never bothered you. The cane? You don’t give a damn about it. He makes your knees weak, a shiver to run down your spine and a tiny jolt of nervousness to course through you. Never before has a man succeeded in making you both intimidated and drawn to him.

Yet your shyness prevented you from showing your affection in any way. You couldn’t build up courage to even suggest that you liked him, not to mention straight up asking him out.

But now? you felt bolder than ever! Damn, you swear you can move mountains, what’s scary in texting your crush? What can possibly go wrong?

“Bullshit, Imma do it. Just one text, let me see if he’ll text me back, right?”

“Alright, but only one text,” Emma points a finger at you in what’s supposed to be threatening manner but it ends up utterly funny when she accidently bumps your nose. You giggle, taking your phone out of your jacket’s pocket.

“Here comes big nothin’”

You unlock your cell, ignoring missed calls. They’re not important now – you’re a girl on a mission, one that demands your full focus and all the creativity you can muster after having one too many drinks tonight.

You open a new message thread, choose Gold’s number and bite down at your bottom lip, trying to come up with something, anything.

“Text him something along ‘hey, I’m having a drink, wanna join?’” Ruby suggests but Mary Margaret shakes her head.

“No, that’s too straightforward. Just start with ‘hi, how are you?’”

You roll your eyes at her and start typing.

Gold, are you busy? Have a minute to spare to talk to me?

Emma hums in approval, glancing at your phone from over your shoulder.

“That’s a good one. And no typos, very good.”

“Let’s drink to that!” you call, raising your glass and girls cheer loudly, all of you downing another shot of tequila. You grimace slightly, reaching for your phone, a bit disappointed that there’s no reply yet.

“Chill, girl. C’mon, drink up,” Ruby urges with a wide grin and you smile back as she fills your glass. Gosh, you really needed it.

Ten minutes later, as Emma’s venting about Regina and her bossing around, refusing to see Henry and overall, how hard it is to be a sheriff, you check your phone. There’s still no text from Gold, so you decide to send another one.

Blinking to focus your gaze on the screen and the keyboard, you let your thumbs click on the letters.

Ive something 2 tell yuo. Gold, mssg m bakc.

After another shot of tequila you’re not 100% certain whether you sent him more texts or was it just your imagination.

_____

“Oh, poor thing,” Granny says with a hint of amusement in her voice as you step into the diner, your pale face and pained expression telling enough about how much fun you had the previous night.

“Can I get a coffee, please? Like, a lot of it?” you ask meekly as you slide into a booth, resting your head in your hands. Thank heavens that Emma called a day off today and that Sundays are usually very lazy. You don’t even want to imagine what a efficient cop you’d make today.

“Coffee, scrambled eggs and bacon.”

A plate is put in front of you, after it a large cup with steaming black liquid joins the party and a feeling of gratefulness rushes through you.

“Granny, you’re an angel,” you say fondly and she flashes you a soft smile before returning after the counter.

You take the cup in your hands and blow off the steam few times before taking a careful sip. You sigh with content, feeling much better and frown when your phone vibrates, notifying you about new message. You take it out of your pocket and, much to your horror, there’s a message from Gold.

“Shit,” you murmur, your eyes growing wide and your skin becoming almost white as you look through the text you sent him the previous night. And there was definitely more that those two you remember.

10:39pm - Why r u not massagin me backc, Gold? Am waitin.

10:53pm - Emma says im a fool but im only a fool for u.

10:53pm - Shit

10:55pm - I didnt mean t tell it. listen can we meeeet? I can explain/

11:12pm - Okaay, u dont wanna talk, I get it. but I need u to kno that ive a crush on u.

11:37pm - Gold, pls, say somethn.

11:41pm – dammit. key, forget it.

1:58am – goodnight, Gold.

9:14am – Did you get home safe, Y/N?

You stare at the screen as if the evidence of your shameful behavior can magically wipe itself from your phone, Gold’s phone, yours and his memory and, overly, the history of the world, but it remains there, unchanged.

You heave out a sigh, take another sip of the coffee and with pounding heart you type a response.

Yes.

Are you still in a mood to talk?

Honestly, I want the Earth to swallow me rn.

That would be an unspeakable loss, dearie :)

“The hell?” you murmur, not really understanding what he meant. Is he mocking you? Having fun with you? You can easily visualize him with a smirk on his face as he toys with you, putting you in more and more misery.

But then again… he doesn’t seem to be a man who’d play with other’s feelings.

Y/N, would you mind if I joined you for a breakfast?

Your heart skyrockets as a cold shiver runs down your spine. You’re both excited and terrified but the mixture somehow makes you bolder and so you reply.

Sure, but I look like crap. Feel warned.

I’ll be there in a moment.

You barely put your phone away when the door opens, the bell rings and you will yourself from running in that instant. You lower your head and squeeze your eyes shut, when a figure takes a seat opposite you.

“You lied,” he remarks, his tone hinted with humor and you jerk your head up to look at him.

“What?”

“You don’t look like crap. Quite the opposite, to be honest.”

“Damn, you’re blind? I have the worst hangover ever and I feel like dying, but that’s really nice of you, mister Gold.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Also, about those messages-“

You groan silently, hiding your face in your hands, too ashamed to even glimpse at him. You hear him sigh but he continues.

“- I’m not going to forget it, as you suggested. I’m fluttered that a girl like you harbored a crush on somebody like me but-“

“No, don’t finish it,” you whine and Gold chuckles, noting that you look absolutely adorable when embarrassed. He gently reaches for one of your hands and reveals half of your face.

“Y/N, I just want to ask if you stand by what you texted last night? You’re sober and we can act as if nothing happened, if what you said was untrue.”

“It was, errr…. It was true,” you say quietly, feeling your cheeks warm up with a blush and, much to your relief, Gold smiles brightly, his eyes wrinkling a little.

“Well then… would you do me an honor and go for a dinner with me tomorrow?”

A grin makes its way onto your lips as you fold your hands on your lap, fixating your eyes on Gold.

“Gladly.”

#mr gold #mr gold x reader #rumplestiltskin #rumplestiltskin x reader #rumple #rumple x reader #x reader #reader insert #once upon a time #ouat #ouatfic

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