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djeesperate · 4 months

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Worrywart

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Word count: 2135

T/W:

Event spoilers/mentions (…And You, A Sweltering Eternal Getaway)

Not so heavy(?) mentions of Gawain feeling anxiety and Bertilak being suicidal.

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He couldn’t stop crying.

For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, the turbulent sea of emotions could not stop gushing out no matter how hard he tried to piece himself back together.

The captain had a fever, that was what everyone thought. But that fever turned into Nectar melting all over the floor and the fabric of reality tearing apart all while everyone screamed to the top of their lungs for them to wake up.

This is the norm, he told himself.

They’ve always been a lightning rod for danger… but for a fever to turn into something heinous like this?

God, Gawain’s paranoia was building up so much, that it could fill the gaps between the island that housed Feendrache, Dalmore and Wales all the way down to Pandemonium itself.

It was the norm. It had always been this way.

It’s just that Gawain wished it wasn’t. He just wanted them to go through the rest of their life with as little danger as possible.

He could relate to that Orologia, he supposed… but he’d never hurt the captain to that magnitude before. Nor will he ever want to.

Gawain’s poor heart couldn’t handle any more bad news about them, frankly speaking. He was fine the first few months with the Grandcypher crew but after a mishap (and fallen angel or two) here and there, the saviour of Dalmore developed a feeling he wasn’t familiar with.

Anxiety.

It ate him away, and he wasn’t aware of it at first… not until the captain collapsed with a fever and he heard nothing but suspicious whispers between the dragons and that blasted Eternal man named Siete. That’s when he realised it wasn’t a regular fever, and they were once again hurting in a place far beyond his reach to be of any assistance.

Gawain was human, with human capabilities. Sure, he was strong but he’d be joking if he equated his strength to someone like Sandalphon or Fediel… or Siete… even if that carefree annoyance was just as human as him (is he human?).

What can Gawain do? Nothing.

In every instance when they’re in danger, he couldn’t do anything of significance no matter how hard he tried. He would start to lose sleep during the nights when they’re not back on the ship, even though the other crewmates happily talked about the recent letters and trinkets they received from them that would indicate they’re probably well.

You were a liar, he concluded; a dangerous one at that. The kind that would tell everyone around them that everything is fine before being found dead the next day, with traces of prolonged suffering kept secret.

How does one cope with being in love with someone like that?

It was painful for him to bear this fear of losing them daily, what of their suffering? What’s going on in their mind that they’ve never told him? Would they tell him?

It hurts.

It hurts Gawain so much, he can’t get himself up from bed on some days. No one would pester him about it too, no one on the ship was particularly close to him.

So he just rots.

Rotting away in one of the storerooms, he calms his heart before he walks out to face other people. He’s slumped to the ground, leaning against the shelves as he hugs his knees and rests his head forward.

“What the hell?”

Gawain almost jumped at that voice – he wasn’t expecting anyone to enter. “Bertilak,” he tried to keep his usual composure, “What do you think you’re doing here?”

“Don’t Bertilak me, dumbass,” the brunet snapped back, “I should be asking you that. This is my sanctuary, and I ain’t sharing.” He gestures to the surroundings in the room.

“Can’t you go to your room?”

“Tch.”

“C’mon, get out.” Bertilak clapped his hands as if talking to a dog, “Ever since I hung out with those Erune brothers, they won’t stop pestering me about rizzing up a 5-meter tall bombshell so my room’s not safe. Honestly, if I can’t stand Charlotta, what makes them think I’d want 6 of her stacked up with duct tape?”

Silence.

“Oh my godddd, Bahamut to Gawain? Sir Gawaaaainnnn? Are you in there?” The brunet knocked Gawain’s head a few times before his hands were shoved away.

“Can you just!” He raised his voice before inhaling to calm down, “… just leave me be,”

Bertilak wasn’t sure what he walked into, but if the knight that protected his country was sitting in near fetal position, refusing to fight back? Something was definitely off. He decided to bite.

“Nah, don’t feel like it,” he simply responded, “But what’s up with you? On the ground all depressing like that.”

“Not in the mood.”

“Captain-related?”

“...”

“Aha! Pre-marital angst!” He rubbed his palms together with newfound interest, “What troubles in paradise are we havin’ today?”

Bertilak’s smirk cracked wider seeing the man beneath him sigh in defeat.

“It’s always those Eternals men,” He started, “Or those Society members, or dragons, or primals, or angels,” Gawain’s frustration started to seep out, “They’re always off with those crowds saving the Skies from extinction. I’m always left behind to wait until they’re back… Sometimes they disappear and don’t come back at all. They’re always so close to dying on me.”

“On you?” The younger male snorted.

“Shut it,” Gawain’s voice was stern, “you know what I mean,”

“Uh-huh…” Bertilak put his hand on his chin, posing as if he was trying to think about it, “Aren’t you like, special to the captain?”

“I doubt it.”

“They give you presents for every occasion. Every year. Without fail. You know how fat their wallet gotta be to pull that off?”

“They do that for everyone.”

“Rightttt, even Valentine’s Day?”

“Yes.”

“What the fuck, how come I never got anything?!” He whined at the discovery, “Hey, it’s requited though, right? You give them presents too?”

“Yes.”

“Huh, maybe that’s how to get on their good side. Y’know that one weird-haired guy that flirts a lot? The one with all the swords strapped to his pants without it falling – Big brother this, big brother that?”

“Siete.”

“Yeah, yeah, that guy. He brings them literally everywhere, man. It’s crazy. I think they went to Levin for the hot springs not that long ago. Always wanted to go th- ohhhhh…” Bertilak figured it out, wagging his finger smugly. “It’s cuz they all turned blue-haired recently right? Like they’re destined to be.”

Silence.

“...I had that,” he crouched to the ground to meet the knight’s pained eyes, “That was how it was when I was back home.”

More silence.

That was his queue to elaborate.

Bertilak isn’t all that great with telling people how he feels but he breathed in, clearing his mind as he gathered his words.

“In Dalmore, I was so… tiny. Doesn’t matter what I did, I never played a big role where I wanted to,” his shoulders slumped, “No matter how many bones I broke from training, no matter how much I cried myself to sleep when the day ended. I wasn’t ever a part of what made Dalmore free…” His breath shook. The boy bit his lower lip to stop it from quivering the way it did, “Everything that happened… would’ve still carried out the way it did if I never existed –

– Because Dalmore was your story. Not mine… Never mine.”

Gawain’s head lifted an inch hearing his admission.

“Made me fucking angry, when I finally met you. The hero of my dreams, lookin’ down on me.” A pathetic laugh escaped his lips as he frustratingly ran his hand through his hair, “It’s exhausting, y’know? Waking up to try your hardest, only to just feel like dying at the end of it. Then being treated like some spoiled brat on top of it all. All that effort, not even acknowledged.”

“... I didn’t know,” Gawain spoke up.

“And you wouldn’t have ever known,” He snorted.

“Are you…?”

“Yeah, I still wanna kill myself every waking hour of the day but what’s new?” Bertilak nonchalantly said as he inspected his nails, looking bored out of his mind, “How I got out of that mindset was to just… leave. After your stupid potato pullin’ lesson, I thought, ‘I’m not letting him go without me’. So instead of balling my eyes out back home till I kick the bucket, I left that shithole chasing after you.”

Bertilak now staring into Gawain’s eyes, his own burning with determination, “No matter how much you shove me away, I’m squeezing myself in your business. If Dalmore wasn’t my story, then I’ll tag along this ship glued to your ass until I find my calling.”

He softly knocked his knuckles onto Gawain’s forehead, a smirk worn on his face but it was more endearing than cocky this time, “And once I do, you’ll be part of it.”

Gawain’s eyes widened as he heard the young man’s confession, but before he could speak up, Bertilak thrust his fists further into the man’s skull.

“Augh!”

“I’m strangling you and myself if you bring this up to anyone.” Bertilak dusted his pants as he stood back up, “Orrrr maybe I’ll tell Cap'n how you’ve been feeling this entire time?”

“... Would you?”

“No,” Bertilak’s face was serious for a split second, “None of my business. Just go be by their side. If they’re leaping through different dimensions, why not follow? Who cares if you’re not familiar with the other goons around them? They probably don’t either. Travelling the skies like that… isn’t that lonely? Wouldn’t it be nice to at least have someone close by their side? Besides… you know, the red gecko and blue kid. Why’s there so many blue people? A fucking whatever-blue fantasy.”

“Besides, surely that Siete guy can’t do everything.” He huffed, “Aunty Metera said flirts like that are a temporary high. You can’t really settle down with someone like that,” He crossed his arms, “There’s not much they can confide with between lizard and Lizria either, you know. Some things you just can’t tell someone that raised you… and I’m 100% sure they hide a lot of their pain from the girl to keep her from worrying. You starting to see what I mean?”

Gawain sat there, thoughts stew in his head as he processed all that was said. Bertilak took this as a sign to lighten up the mood, “But screw all that. Aunty Korwa getting me in a dress was much more fun than dealing with my feelings. Sometimes you gotta slay to keep the sad away… or whatever Chloe says. Have you met Chloe? She did my nails once. Most mentally stable I’ve felt, to be honest,” he rambled as he took a look at his nails one more time.

“Anyway, bye. Hope your love life sorts itself out. Hope I don’t see you here again, Sho’s also pretty clingy so this place is still mine.” He turned his heels and left Gawain alone.

Kids are… something. Whatever just happened, it will take some time for Gawain to understand (what does slay mean in that context? Lizria? Why’s he acquainted with so many people already?), but one thing was certain – he didn’t feel as horrible as he was before the brat showed up.

Gawain sighed. There was truth in Bertilak’s words about their relationship with Vyrn and Lyria. The captain was always hiding, it was probably just as soul-crushing bottling it up as he has with his own feelings. Maybe it’s better to confide in each other?

That sounds like a mess…

But the thought made Gawain smile regardless.

He kicks himself off the ground and walks out of the storage room, feeling more like himself again. It was about time they came back from Sierokarte’s errands anyway. He’ll be there to help carry the boxes.

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Sometime, not too long ago, word spread around the ship of Fiorito’s birthday coming soon. The girls were buzzing, hoping to make gifts that would suit their friend. A certain designer had special plans…

“What.” Bertilak deadpanned, not believing his ears.

“Please! You’re about the same body measurements as her, I can tell!” Korwa held onto his hands, pleading.

“Fuck no, are you kidding?” He swatted her hands away.

“It’s just a one-time fitting! I just need to see if the dress fits around the back.”

“I’m not wearing a dress.”

“Why not?”

“I… can’t think… of a valid excuse… Whatever, fine.” Bertilak’s head hung down, giving up his resistance, “But it better look good on me or I’ll be pissed.”

“Lucky for you, that’s my area of expertise! Come, let’s go back to my workshop.”

Bertilak learned how comfortable skirts were that day.