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pumpkinpaix · 4 years

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Hello! and PSA

*waves* hi everyone! so uh, I’ve kind of had a bit of a surge in followers recently, and I thought I would make a bit of a PSA/intro post with a bit more targeted info than my about page.

anyways, I’m cyan! statistically speaking, you are probably here for one of the following reasons:

my fic

my meta

my gifs

my translation

all of the above

this is pretty much an mdzs blog on main these days, but I also rb a lot of other misc things because I have never been good at keeping my interests separate. it’s also my personal blog, so expect some of that? i am very all or nothing ahaha. my opinions change very quickly as I process new information, so like, something I said last week or yesterday might be different now! I’ve seen several people going through some of my older posts, and I’m just like oh dear, I said a lot of things six months ago that I no longer vibe with. /o\ please keep that in mind as you go diving in my blog!

i don’t have a BYF or DNI policy, but I reserve the right to block anyone for any reason because this is a personal blog first and foremost, and I do need to be better about setting my boundaries and curating my own online space! on that same token, you are free to follow, unfollow, block, whatever, even if we’re mutuals. <3

you’re free to come talk to me in my inbox or dms, but please be aware that there’s a very high chance I will never get back to you /o\ it isn’t personal!! I am just very mentally ill and have many difficulties with keeping up social interactions or talking to people.

in the interest of trying to be more open about myself, my brain, and what that means for me in an online/fandom space, I’m gonna do a boatload of mental health talk under the cut (or, if you’re looking at this on my blog proper or somewhere where the cut doesn’t display, it starts right after this paragraph), including mentions of self-harm/thoughts of specific self-harm etc, just so you are warned! I’ve been thinking recently that it’s good to try and take steps towards being more open about my issues, both for my own sake and others’. It’s long, because one of the fun things about my mental illness is that I am hyperverbal ahahaha (if that... wasn’t already obvious orz)

so if you’ve read pfmmpd, you can kind of get a sense of what I’m working with. a lot of how i wrote lwj was drawn directly from shit happening in my own brain, but like? dial that up from the specific issues that lwj had in that fic and apply it unilaterally across the board to almost anything you can think of.

I hesitate to describe my OCD as debilitating, but only because my specific cocktail of compulsions and anxieties and triggers push me to be hyperachieving and hyperfunctional. I consider myself pretty fortunate (?) in that regard. on paper, you could never tell how absolutely batshit my internal landscape is! which is very good for me practically in that I can hold down a job, keep scholarships, graduate with honors, have good prospects for my future, hold onto relationships (usually yikes) etc. but the fact of the matter is, I’m like. oh boy.

to give you a peek, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that have triggered me to varying degrees of severity within the last like, week or so:

my dog

a chinese folk song

my mother reading a chinese haiku to me written by a young gay man

a chinese reader of my fic lovingly and gently giving me a history lesson on china and on mdzs while praising me

stepping on a piece of snow that didn’t collapse in the precise way i expected it to

writing meta

reading meta

ruminating on my triggers (honestly, I played myself)

seeing a twitter thread going around tumblr with decent information but the OP is someone who was exceedingly cruel to a good friend of mine

visiting my grandmother’s grave

deciding to visit my grandmother’s grave

discussing the concept of cuddling my partner whom i love and have been with for four years

self-harming (truly the height of irony, being triggered into self-harm and then getting triggered by the result of the self-harm hahahahahaha)

dropping off a package

trying to explain queer-coding to my parents

talking about stressors in my life related to covid19

having a very pleasant conversation with a person i admire

editing my translation

the fact that the “close” button on my accessibility sidebar on the translation website is the wrong color

choosing between eating all the shiitake mushrooms in my soup and purposefully giving myself a bad reaction or throwing one out and wasting food

thinking about playing a fun game with my partner and a mutual friend

my mom asking me to take a photo of some tea for her

my mom asking my opinion on a photo she was photoshopping

animal crossing

writing this fucking post HAHAHAHA

like!! it goes on!! endlessly! obviously, these triggers are not simply “bad” things. the chinese folk song and the haiku were both really beautiful and i love them! but I did spend a good amount of time curled up on my floor in the dark sobbing as i played the song on repeat. the haiku was one of the last straws that ended up with me screaming and crying and hurting myself. the snow??? like wtf the snow thing. I stepped on the snow and it felt wrong and my brain just started screaming SMASH YOUR KNEECAP. ???? (I didn’t, for the record, and I would never.) I love my partner very much! I love my friends very much, and my mother, and my grandmother etc. my triggers are infinite, unpredictable, and bizarre.

I’m saying all of this because I want to be clear that MDZS/CQL fandom specifically triggers me on a daily basis, sometimes very very badly. this is just a fact! it is no one’s fault! I have decided it is worth it for me to stay anyways. it is impossible for me to request people tag for certain things because I myself have no idea what my triggers are until I encounter them. It’s like a fun mystery boss encounter! sometimes it’s low level and i’m well-equipped to handle it. other times it’s a one-hit KO. We just don’t know! there are lots of very cool content creators in this fandom that I can’t follow because it would make my dash that much more high stakes. the original source canon material triggers me! all the events leading up to Lotus Cove massacre? I was shaking at work for three hours after consuming it for the first time.

Meta specifically is something I know a lot of people like me for, but it’s 100% the most triggering activity I participate in for this fandom. like, that suibian meta post I wrote that’s currently going around? Probably took me four or five hours of concentrated effort to write because I was compulsively panicking and rewriting and editing and panicking more and qualifying and editing and qualifying some more and then debating whether I should post it or not and then fighting with myself about my wording and then immediately regretting it and then every time someone commented on it (regardless of positive or negative!) my anxiety spiked. I started a reply to a response on that post and had to stop after a few minutes because I was already starting to trigger myself over it.

this is actually a pretty good outcome when it comes to meta! I recognized that I was hurting myself before I got any further, and I only spent like, five hours on it! it was good exposure therapy for me! the bad outcome is. well. bad, as you might imagine lmao.

I like writing meta. I like talking to people about it too! I like participating in fandom, I like writing, I like translating, I like all of these things. they’re just also really hard for me! there’s a couple meta requests sitting in my inbox right now that I want to get to, but it might take me like. a long time because of. you know! *gestures* Everything takes me a long time. that first chapter of the translation took me literally five months from beginning the project to posting a final edited version. It’s just over 1k words. D8

I try really hard to be chill and kind in public and I largely think I succeed on the kind part (I hope!). If you thought I had even an ounce of chill before this, perhaps I have disabused of that notion entirely now lmao. I’m not saying this for pity, but like? just so we all know what we’re dealing with here. I don’t want anyone to get hurt when I don’t engage with them or feel snubbed if I never reply to them. and also like, hey, if someone relates it’s like hooray, high fave, solidarity! we’re not alone in this world! or maybe this will help someone understand OCD a little better! I don’t know. I hope this post is a positive thing. BUT! I’ve spent three hours on it already, and i’m definitely starting to compulsively spiral, so instead of going back and editing it over and over, I’m just going to post it. thank you everyone for your understanding! I hope you enjoy your time on my blog! (*´▽`*)

#/#//#///#////#/////#personal #psa #cyan gets too deep in the weeds #HA HA HA.#can't believe i'm using that tag on a personal post except like. of course i am #hello everyone are you ready for some cyan dlc?#well you're getting it #im anxious about this thing because i'm anxious about everything but!#we are doing exposure therapy this year!!#even if the world is burning down around us i can still try to confront my problems!!!#about

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artificial-jazz · 4 years

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tag game!

hehehe thank u @artificialortega for tagging me ily lots. 💖💖💖

Name: if you’re one of few who actually knows my real name on this site, you’re #blessed. (i’m kidding. kinda. but i do like being ~anonymous~ lmao.)

Nickname: a lot of my close friends call me jcat, which is objectively so stupid but i also think it’s super cute, annnnd no i won’t elaborate further!

Zodiac sign: pisces sun & cancer moon, which should tell you everything you need to know about me really.

Nationality: irish american.

Languages spoken: just english bc i suck.

What time is it: 10:30 at night!

Celebrity crush: alaska joanne thunderfuck pls and thank u. i think natalie portman might’ve been one of my OG celebrity crushes, though, and maybe heath ledger circa “10 things i hate about you.”

Favorite fictional character(s): i’m drawing the biggest blank right now and idk why. i’m gonna think on this one and come back to edit this later asdslsjks.

Favorite musician: counting crows. ✨ if you need some quality songs recs/are at all into 90s alternative, hmu and i’ll gush about them for the rest of time!

Favorite sports team: pittsburgh penguins! (sidebar: are any of my followers hockey fans? i would LOVE to know.)

Favorite season: FALLLL all the way. it’s when i’m at My Peak.

Favorite flower: i... don’t know that i have one? is that weird?

Favorite scent: love love love that fresh laundry smell, and also a candle i always have in my room is “cinnamon spiced vanilla” from bath & body works.

Favorite animal(s): cats!

Favorite food: gummy candy.

Dream car: i used to want a lil powder blue convertible beetle when i was younger. :’)

Dream trip: i’ve always wanted to go to australia and new zealand!

Instruments: i feel like i’m supposed to be musically inclined bc of my zodiac shit, but... alas. i don’t play any instruments. i WISH i could play the piano.

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: coffee for sure.

Dog or cat person: cat person that currently lives with a dog whom she loves very much!

Following: 132 apparently.

Followers: 1,100ish (but let’s be real the majority are likely bots).

Other blogs: none that are active/significant.

Blog established: 2017, can you believe???

Do you have a tumblr crush: michelle always told me not to fuck with... tumblr crushes?

Do you get asks: sometimes, and it always makes my day when i do! *cough cough* send me asks pls i love attention! *cough cough*

What are you wearing right now: some cozy pj pants and a big t-shirt from college.

Drink(s) of choice: my bloodstream is made up almost entirely of coffee and red wine tbh.

Number of blankets you sleep with: usually just a top sheet and a comforter!

Average sleeping hours: probably 7 or 8 hours, which isn’t too shabby.

Random fact: my favorite musical is sweeney todd and just the other day i found out it’s ALSO @artificialortega‘s favorite and somehow this seemed significant enough to share ok thanks for listening. :)))

Tagging: @fab-wolf-in-disguise (if you want!)

#alright ttyl pals! much love!

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jlf23tumble · 5 years

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Whelp, it's the first full day of the time change, I'm drunk, Louis’s gone full sbb with tonight’s shirt, Robbie's just gone, Simon’s coming down from last night’s coke binge, and Lilo’s coming for my ass, so let's just cut to the chase on episode 20, shall we??? I’ll stop tagging poor @newleafover and@justlarried every single week because they're, like, YEAH, OKAY, JEN, WE FUCKING GET IT, lmao, but for everyone else who isn’t watching, come tell me why you aren’t because I’m baffled. If you love Louis, this is like a mainline drug hit straight to your heart; if you hate Simon, this is like a mainline drug hit straight to your heart. Simon’s a parody of his former self (he literally copies everything Louis does at this point, only terribly), and Louis literally owns this show, so do you have some sort of hatred for Dermot (if so, fuck off/do NOT interact)? I mean, look at this minx:

If you’re busy, I get it, but if not, educate me (privately or on anon) because I'm curious. I can’t track Simon’s decline linearly from previous years (he’s as irrelevant to me then as he is now), but here in front of us all, exhibiting the “duality of palpable envy and fake closeness” as @horsegirlharry puts it, the entire spectacle is FASCINATING, especially if you love Louis. Anyway, tonight is mostly filler, but just like leftover Halloween candy, we can keep on snacking until the next holiday, so shall we?

The sound was shitty last night for two (2) people (who, I might add, weren’t all that great regardless), so the fake judging was held off until tonight, which means we have to watch all of these performances AGAIN, and I’m drunk and I love you, so that’s a no from me.

Nile Rodgers is here for Robbie, and Simon stands up when he’s introduced to pretend that he isn’t a racist, but as usual, his read on the rest of the room is wrong, so it’s just as pathetic as anything else he normally does (I’d say take a sip every time he looks to Louis for guidance, but you’d be trashed at the 20-minute mark, so you’re welcome).

GOD, I hate Jimmy A so much, and me as both Louis’s facial tics when he has to applaud him (which, huh, line up exactly with how he looks when Simon calls him his buddy) and Dermot when he does this awkward side grab instead of his normal hug (Dermot’s like the cat who hisses at shitty people):

Liam is introduced as the X Factor’s very own, and really? REALLY? Because wow, he’s so much more than that, but I’m in the crowd screaming so loudly for Liam that it only serves to make Jimmy A’s performance seem extra stupid (tl/dr, he kills it):

If I were a giffer, I’d capture Dermot’s flirty leg kick as he says hello to Liam’s team, while Liam waves first to Louis and then to Nile, and godddd, I would kill a man to know what these three talked about in Ihbeetha. Somewhat related: I like learning that Dermot’s fave is Dalton (same), but come on Liam, Brendan??? Whut.

Time for the ridiculously fake final judging, and me as Dermot saying good luck to everyone while looking directly at Louis’s team. Even the editors make it clear for stupid people, I mean, choose your mentor:

FOR FUCKING ONCE, both Ayda and Louis’s teams are safe, so they share a ~moment that I can’t properly convey in full but that warmed my cold, dead heart to its very core:

And apparently, there is a god, so the shitty boy band is immediately out, woo hoo! My highlight is Dermot saying, “Guys, it is so, so difficult to come in to this show and get together as a group and try and gel in the time you've had,” and meanwhile all of us been knew that the biggest band in history actually did it, but let’s cut to Louis’s reaction when one of them says that it’s not the end for them (spoiler: it is):

(Weird sidebar: I have a furby that went fucking NUTS and started chattering away this week on Halloween but then again tonight when United 5/Vibe got kicked off…the spirits really do communicate with us!)

The final sing off is Acacia and Aaliyah vs. Molly, which, why? I get Molly, but A&A only get stronger week by week, and yet Danny’s still hanging on?? God, is this show racist. Anyway, I love that Louis’s the only one tracking A&A while they work the entire room, and how Dermot telegraphs Molly’s impending loss by introducing her with a somber, “Singing in what could be for the final time on the X Factor,” yep, WE GOT IT.

To nobody’s surprise (if they can track an edit), Molly’s out, and Simon tries to pretend that he’s Louis by taking responsibility for her shitty song choices (as he should because he IS responsible), but it’s very flat and insincere…her ouster is the only time that he’s actually physically near her (he never attended rehearsals, compared with comrade Louis’s who seemingly tirelessly canvased the rest of the house). In the flattest monotone, Simon announces, “I demahnd a recount,” and Dermot says, “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen,” as he tries to flood Molly with the physical reassurances she needs via hugs (Simon tries to chat with her in the background like Louis did with Armstrong a few weeks back, but no, it’s so off, fail):

Oof, what a predictable letdown, all in all (I need more Lilo content, goddammit), so until next week! Clink clink, bitches!

#recap #xfuk #episode 20 #i'm so tired

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