#she 'wanted to secure her kidsjfrom the cruel curel world'....
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Although there is so much wonderful beauty in the world I am in awe of, there's still some sadness that is tearing me apart.
#reliving the prolonged trauma is hard#yet the strength and compassion I have given myself since I was a kid is helping me withstand all the pain#i found old health files from when I was a baby#when i was 3 i had sensory processing problems and should visit an eye doc#my mom told me 'they thought i had bad eyes and wanted me to wear glasses'#my mom is and always was severely overchallenged/overwhelmed with all sorts health-related...#she can't even manage to distinguish the metformin she takes - diabetes meds- and melatonine -sleeping hormone...#even when i got diabetes at 7 yo I had no proper help from her.#... i am so sad as the somehow neglect was only due to her overwhelm...#and she was offered help my the state...#but she always denied it.#she 'wanted to secure her kidsjfrom the cruel curel world'....#sadly... she is paranoid#and i grief for all the pain this has resulted in...#sadly she never kept us safe from her.#she always misunderstands everything medical staff tells her..#ignorance is at fault.#she even seeked a homeopathic healer for my diabetes and tried to 'help' me with globuli. i only ate them because they tasted nice#i even ate dry cat food as kid because it tasted better than anything that was available#everyday just sweets and sometimes joghurt or milchreis#i don't know why i indulge in this thought loop again...#the flashbacks are like... interwoven...#I had autism and adhd all my life but my mother could never handle it...#she was adviced to send me to a special school back then. she denied it.#in elementary school the teachers wanted me to leap school years as I was far ahead with the topics. my mother denied it#she denied it 'because she needs to learn social competence'... damn... allji learned was to people-please#and to neglect my own needs. to fear because i never knew what i did wrong...#and today it still impacts me#as I am notmeven able to get proper diagnoses#because 'it's obvious you have adhd but there went so much wrong in your medical history...' - words of someone who wanted to diagnose ADHD
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