Someone is afraid....

Okay, so. This has been occupying a lot of my thoughts recently, and while it feels like it should be "cringey" or whatever to confess this on a semi-public platform, I think I should just suck it up and admit that I've been feeling really lonely and socially disconnected.

I really just do not thrive without conversations and sharing silly events as they unfold, and bouncing ideas back and forth, and having a few people to chat with throughout the day - and, more embarrassingly, feeling like there are people, even just a few, who actively want to hear from me and have me around. Yuck, right? I don't know why it feels so gross to say it outright. I've always been the first to remind people that humans are hardwired to be a social species and that social feedback is naturally what informs our behaviors and our perceptions of ourselves. I'm awful at taking my own advice, though, so I figure I'll try actually doing so.

Now, at the time, I'm a bit cut off from seriously pursuing making friends in person, for an assortment of personal reasons I won't be getting into. I'm actively working on it, but in the meantime, my social life is distressingly limited to the internet.

But you know what? I used to be great at making friends online. It doesn't seem like I still am, though.

I won't lie, testing the waters by asking if my mutuals/followers find me unapproachable and the most popular answer being that people on here really have no idea who I am and have no particular opinion about me one way or another made me a lot sadder than I thought it would. Like, damn, am I overlooked as a result of an uninteresting personality, or an off-putting aura, or simply because I've come into the habit of keeping things about my offline life vague on here?

Talking about personal, real-life matters on here feels wildly inappropriate for some reason, and I'm not sure there's a workaround for that, because it seems like just part of tumblr culture.

I'm naturally super chatty in a comfortable setting, though, especially in a small group - but I'm not as good at approaching people as I used to be, and then, to paraphrase a quote from my own fanfic like a gigantic nerd, I end up feeling like I'm not approached by other people because I'm either entirely too much to contend with, or just not enough to be someone who seems worth engaging with.

Also, let's be real, I can't help feeling that being older than most of tumblr's user base inherently sets me out on the fringes.

I had meant to keep this a bit shorter, so let me get to the point:

I really do want more friends to interact with and share things with! Actually, you know what? 'Want' isn't strong enough. I really need more social connection.

I don't know how many of you reading this are also feeling lonely and wanting/needing to expand your human interactions, or even how many people will actually read this, but I'd like to put it out there that if you want to get to know me or form a powerful secret society with me and a band of others, I'd probably be thrilled to hear from you. You're more than welcome to reach out, even if your nerves only let you do it anonymously.

I know I've admitted that I'm not the best at maintaining one on one conversation with someone I've only just begun talking to, and that still holds true, but... eh, building genuine connections does take time, and I certainly have plenty of time.

So, this is a general invitation to those who might need or want one. Let's Friendship is Magic this shit up.

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers <3🫀

gahhhhhhhh I'm gonna ramble about everything on my list because I haven't spent much time dwelling on the good things in life recently

Listening to instrumental hymns while I do my evening devotions! I used to lowkey dread my nightly Bible reading and see it as a chore, but then I realized it was literally the only part of my day where I'm not listening to music or having some other source of stimuli to listen to. I started listening to instrumental hymns on Spotify while I read my Bible at night and bam! So much more joy! It also helps me stay focused because it gives my brain something not-distracting to do in the background, AND as I listen to it, I often remember some of the words, especially about the Gospel, so even as I'm reading some of the seemingly duller passages, I'm reminded to look for hints of the Gospel.

My creative abilities! I love being able to write effectively and draw, both for fanfics and original works! I also get to decorate my aunt's birthday cake this week, learned how to make really cool iron on patches, and my "hobby of the week" right now is beaded rubber band friendship bracelets, which are incredibly fun!

I've had to run a few errands recently- doctor's visits, job interviews, shopping, working at camp- and there's a lot of little joys on the way to them. I've had a lot of chances to stop at Dunkin, which is always fun when you have the mobile app and can get some rewards. There's also a billboard for a health center or something near us on the way through town. Their current ad campaign is called "stronger together," and their billboard for it is basically a giant Across the Spiderverse poster. It's always SUCH a delight to see it!!!!

Fandoms! I'm currently running a couple different ouat fandom events, and it is a lot of fun to see the community spirit come alive!

Lastly, a bunch of my friends who live in my phone <3 It's a delight to know that I can always turn to @silver-the-phoenix whenever I have something random or small-but-matters-to-me. I love sending tiny details about my day to @laughingphoenixleader and hearing about how her day is going at well. I know I can always turn to @poptart-cat-78 about Taylor Swift or OUaT or just for encouragement. Meg, if you're reading this, I love messaging you on discord and yelling with you about angst! @booksteaandtoomuchtv is such a lovely online friend, and I love her creativity and help with fandom events and betaing, as well as how supposrtive and encouraging she always is! I always know that whenever I have an ask game or drawing/writing requests open, @accidental-spice and @kanerallels are gonna be some of the first people in my inbox to remind me my work matters to people (and I also love rambling with spicy about that s7 au i'll never get written.) I love all of you (and everyone reading this) so very much!

Thanks for the lovely ask! I hope you have a great day!

Recently a Seungri stan messaged me privately to tell me she loves my old DaeRi fanfiction, pointed out one in particular that she reads "every once in a while," and even called me an author she loves. Four or more years ago this sort of feedback on my writing would have been encouraging, and I'd have thanked her for it. Nowadays, though, given the circumstances of that man and his fans, it was... let's just say unsettling.

Ever since the events of 2019 I've had conflicting feelings about my old writing and have many times considered pulling certain pieces down. I left the stories alone, untouched, partly for myself, as a repository of sorts, a public written record of a time past, because I can be stupidly sentimental like that, and partly for Dae stans, who I thought might still like them as long as they could look past the unpleasantness of the pairing's other half.

I expected people would react sensibly to BIGBANG's big change and hoped readers would enjoy my fanfics with the understanding that the past is the past and should be left as such. Accepting and embracing the group in its new form, as it has been since 2019 -- as four. The decision to let it be was certainly not made with fans of Seungri in mind, who by all rights shouldn't exist anymore.

Sad to say, they do. Not only can I not accept their gratitude, a compliment from one on my years-old stories featuring Seungri really upset me. It was an uneasy reminder that my old indulgences can still influence new fans and (mis)lead them into liking, sympathizing with, and supporting Seungri now, in the present, even after all that's happened. Disregarding his departure from the group and defending all the unsavory things about him that have come to light in the years since those stories were written.

Some time ago, on AO3, I turned off notifications for comments and kudos on everything with the mindset that if people were still reading and taking pleasure in my writing from so long ago, I didn't want to know. I thought that what I didn't know couldn't hurt me. But that isn't enough, I now realize. I didn't consider the potential side effects on others outside my target audience. I can't in good conscience look away any longer and allow those positive portrayals made by my hand to stand, even if it is only fiction, because Seungri is a real person who's done real harm, and quite a lot of it. By committing real crimes, and quite a lot of them. He has real power over people, power he's abused, with real-world consequences. And in a way, as a content creator... I have that power too.

So I've finally done what I should have done ages ago and have taken those stories down. It doesn't undo the damage, but at least I can breathe a little easier knowing my past work, which had been wildly overdue for removal, will no longer contribute to the problem still plaguing this band and its fandom today. If there's one lesson I've taken to heart in the years since Burning Sun, it's that I have a duty and a responsibility to do better. We all do.