#reconfiguring stuff just making sure I have names and lineages and places and such | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thetirisfaltheatretroupe · 5 years

Text

[Script Archive] Hellsqueal, the True Warchief’s Tale

"Hellsqueal, the "True" Warchief's Tale" <<The following is a play that has been retired from the Tirisfal Theatre’s library, and will only reoccur for private events for the foreseeable future. This script has been placed here so that those who enjoyed the play or wish to perform it themselves may do so. Credit for this comedic performance goes to the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe>> < Scroll to the bottom for trivia surrounding this place, as well as our original poster! >

CHARACTERS: Narrator, Grom (for one line), Garrosh, Thrall, Mag'har 1, Mag'har 2, Baine, Gamon, Sylvanas, Saurfang, Vol'jin, Taran Zhu, The Kor'kron with the Dictionary

[Narrator:] It was said, that when Garrosh Hellscream was born...every shaman in the Warsong Clan came together to bestow a blessing upon him for strength- No...not because he was the great Grom's child... But because the baby looked so awful and ugly they needed to make sure he would not self drown himself. To Grom, however, he was so moved that the Shaman felt a sense of importance for his baby that he took young Garrosh and rose him to the sky gave out a passionate cry the spirits!

[Grom]: Ancestors! Upon this day, my son is born! May his fate ironically be my own! <Grom leaves the scene>

[Narrator]: At the time, he had no idea what irony was, and figured it was another word for honor... Grommash later discovered the true meaning of irony, shrugged, and figured it did not matter.

[Narrator]: Ahh yes. But who can truly forget why we so “loved” our former..former...uh fooormer Warchief? Let us begin with his humble origins those many moons ago where it all began. When the Horde rediscovered the brown orc known as The Mag'har in Outlands, Nagrand..

<Mag'har 1 & 2 are chatting across from Garrosh, Garrosh is next to a basic campfire sitting down and crying>

[Garrosh]: Oh, woe is me! My father, great Grom Hellscream, is such a disgrace! The greatmother is going to die soon and there's nothing we can do about it! Life --<he dramatically approaches the audience and lays on the ground> IT IS NOT WORTH LIVING!

[Mag'har 1]: <facepalms> Great. Here he goes again, more mellowdrama.

[Mag'har 2]: Think if we tell him the greatmother died and watch his reaction, it'll be good enough to make up for the fact that he'll probably reconfigure our heads after he finds out we were lying?

[Mag'har 1]: He'll probably cry his own head off because we made fun of him. <both orcs laugh and continue jabbering, enter Thrall stage left> [Thrall]: FEAR NOT, MAG'HARI ! Thrall, son of Durotan, has returned to his people! Surely you are all hard at work defending our precious homeland... and...

</e looks between the two grunts.> What in the name of Rend Blackhand's severed head is going on here? Why are you all not ...valiantly and proudly defending our people from the demons?

[Mag'har 1]: Oh. We're um...we're on holiday.

[Mag'har 2]: We are? <#1 nudges him> Oh, right. Yeah, this is our day off. Hellscream's orders.

[Thrall]: Hellscream? Ah! You must mean the one of Grom's proud and noble line! Tell me...is he a noble, <Garrosh picks his nose> And Strong,.. <Garrosh sucks his thumb loudly> And a proud warrior who stands FEARLESSLY and defiantly against the demonic lords of the world just as Grommash did? <Garrosh scratches his butt>

[Mag'har 1]: Well, you have the defiant part down. Defiant to you, defiant to me. [Thrall]: And... And what about the demons?

[Mag'har 2]: The demons? Hrm. <he faces Mag'har 1 and shrugs> I haven't even seen him come face to face with any demons lately, have you?

[Mag'har 1]: I think he spat in one's eye just last week! Wait, no no, that was Elder Grapuul. He also ran him through - I have the head in my room along with a necklace made from his entrails if you wanna see.

[Thrall]: Ahhh no.... no-Ha ha thank you. That won't be needed! I would much rather speak to brave Hellscream. So please...keep all that to yourself.

[Mag'har 1]: You sure? The entrail necklace is far more interesting. If you listen closely, you can still hear the demon screaming "PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THAT!".

</e grows tired of this> [Thrall]: Look. Can you point me to PROUD and NOBLE Hellscream or not? <both Mag'har shrug and point at Garrosh>

<Thrall leaves their company and the two walk away snickering> [Mag'har 2]: <to Mag'har 1> Did you really save the entrails?

[Mag'har 1]: Of course! Wait, you don't? <Thrall waits as the two leave, and then turns to the moping Garrosh>

[Thrall]: Young Hellscream, the Warchief of the Horde... stands before you. Surely you know of our presence here in Garadar.

[Garrosh]: Leave me alone! I'm busy suckling my thumb. I was suckling on the right one earlier, but it became swollen, so I'm working on the other one.

[Thrall]: That's... </e scratches the side of his beard.> -fascinating. So you're Grom's boy...

[Garrosh]: <stands up and becomes completely over the top, irrationally angry> DO NOT DARE MENTION MY FATHER'S NAME! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM SO MUCH I COULD... I COULD... <Garrosh breaks down for about 30 seconds crying, throwing a fit - add chosen creative styles of improv here, ending with him sitting with his back turned to the audience and crying more, Thrall moving in to place a hand on his shoulder> [Thrall]: There there. You uh...you want a nap?

[Garrosh]: Uh-uh.

[Thrall]: You...want a snaaack?

[Garrosh]: No. </e perks up. Idea!>

[Thrall]: Yooou want a belly rub?

[Garrosh]: <abruptly> What?

[Thrall]: NOTHING! Nothing at all. Juuuust going through a list of things I do to get my worg to calm down! Good ol' snack , nap and belly rub...Uh Alright look, the run-time for this production isn't going to let us run this gag forever so HERE YOU GO! BEHOLD!

A VISION OF THE FIGHT BETWEEN YOUR FATHER, GROMMASH HELLSCREAM, AND THE DEMON LORD MANNOROTH!

<Both Garrosh and Thrall's actors pretend he is watching Grom gut Mannoroth pausing for a few seconds between lines> [Garrosh]: WOW!

[Thrall]: Yeah!

[Garrosh]: Sheesh!

[Thrall]: I know, right?

[Garrosh]: That's a lot of blood!

[Thrall:] So you see young Hellscream... your father, Grommash Hellscream, was not a disgrace like you thought. He was a hero to our people, because he gave his -life- to undo the curse that bound our rage.

[Garrosh]: Forget that, he's not a disgrace because he made that Pit Lord axeplode!

[Thrall]: He did the what now.

[Garrosh]: Didn't you see it? It exploded into fel sparks or whatever after it dumped about fifty gallons of blood! It's right there, rewind it!

[Thrall]: Oookay.. </e puts his hand out and starts to spin it. Que rewinding noises as he sifts through the vision like a tape.> [Thrall]: Right there?

[Garrosh]: Yeah, now pause!

[Thrall]: I do not really think the Ancestors would approve this abuse of of-

[Garrosh]: <VERY ANGRILY> I said PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUSE!

[Thrall]: </ exhales.> Alright, fine. FINE! You whiny little little son of a...-there.- </e opens his hand, palm out. Symbolizing that he has stopped or “paused” the vision.>

[Garrosh]: Ooohoo..yeah. That's the stuff. Look at all that gore. I think I see a chunk of his liver flying off to the side.

[Thrall]: Actually, I think that might be his glubok....

[Garrosh]: What's a glubock?

[Thrall]: You're out here fighting demons and know nothing about their anatomy? Look, right there. That is his plumbos, and that right there is well-...ah ha you'll know when you're older.

[Garrosh]: Think you can copy this to a powder or something so I can watch it anytime I want?

[Thrall]: <insert lightning effect – Akunda's firesticks behind the actor works> ENOUGH! Hellscream, join my Horde! Fight alongside me, and together, we will make a prosperous future for our people!

[Garrosh]: And then can I have a copy?

[Thrall]: <facepalms> Why do I get the feeling I invited a baboon to hold a high rank over my people? <The Narrator pipes in> [Narrator]: And so it was that Garrosh, son of Grom, wiffer of bad odors and obsessive compulsive gore fanatic, joined the Horde. Before long, Garrosh had been introduced to the tauren, orcs, trolls, elves, and undead that made up the Horde at the time. But to what avail did introducing a warrior based on his lineage into the ranks of the Horde lead? While this narrator questions the decision, we ALL know he was just so amazing in Northrend. <Enter Saurfang and Garrosh, both reading maps> [Saurfang]: Alright, you remember the plan, right?

[Garrosh]: Yeah.

[Saurfang]: And you're going to stick to it this time, right?

[Garrosh]: Mhm.

[Saurfang]: No more of that funny business from earlier?

[Garrosh]: Not even.

[Saurfang]: <sighs heavily> Alright. Maps closed. <Saurfang closes his map, Garrosh keeps his open>

[Saurfang]: Closed!

[Garrosh]: Oh, uh, right. <closes his map> Alright, so I understand the plan, and I know what my part in it is. But just in case, I'll need you to go over the entire thing again. Just so we're clear.

[Saurfang]: Thrall's balls, you're dense! Look at your map again. <both orcs open their maps simutaniously> [Saurfang]: <points to a certain location on the map> See this? That's the Trail of Bones, Southern Icecrown. Our plan is to send our flank in through there, but have the extra forces move along the path to the East while we engage the enemy.

[Garrosh]: Right.

[Saurfang]: Once the others have made their way fully around, we trap the enemy forces within our two units. Then we wait for reinforcements, and press further North until we reach the Saronite Gates blocking our entry into the overlook of the Storm Peaks. It will be an ideal spot to set up an encampment until Orgrim's Hammer is flown into Icecrown and-- ...are you paying any attention to this at all?

[Garrosh]: <pauses for a few moments> Ye--....yes. But the mountains you speak of are all to the South.

[Saurfang]: <Grabs the map, turns it around> Now?

[Garrosh]: <pauses for a few moments again> Hrm. Seems to be in order. But just in case, can you repeat that ONE more time?

[Saurfang]: <spits and crumbles his map up> I can't do this anymore. I have better battle strategies with my axe than I do with him... <exits>

[Garrosh]: <chases after him> Wait! Old one, let us discuss this over a meal of hearty pork! Wait, no no, you don't like pork. I mean ham! Ham is what I meant! <as both orcs exit, the narrator returns to the stage> [Narrator]: Yes, the war in Northrend was handled quite well by our “handsome”, “completely competent leader.” Why, it only cost the lives of several thousand young orcs, who saw him as a hero afterward. When the time came for Thrall to step down as Warchief and answer the call of the elements, he called together his greatest minds and leaders... ...To decide who should become warchief in his stead.

[Thrall]: Fate... is truly unkind, as I must now venture to hone my mastery of the elements... In my stead, however, who shall lead our people? I am ….. Conflicted.

[Garrosh]: <jumping up and down> Oh, me! Me! Pick me!

[Thrall]: Should any of you desire this very important, critical task of the Warchief's mantle, you should be capable for the task.

[Garrosh]: Pick me! Over here!

[Thrall]: Anyone? Saurfang! I thought I saw your hand up. No? How about...Ah! What about you Sylvanas?

[Sylvanas]: I'd rather chop my arms off.

[Thrall:] Okay then, I could do without the passive aggressiveness.

[Garrosh]: OVER HERE!

[Thrall]: Wellll... if no one wants it, I'll give it to Gamon! He'll save us!

[Gamon]: Actually, Gamon wishes to abstain from this discussion. Gamon isn't even sure why Gamon is here.

[Garrosh]: <Throws something at Thrall – Happy Fun Rock, Pigskin, etc. > PICK! ME!

[Thrall]: Pfgh-Alright, fine. Garrosh, do -YOU- want the mantle?

[Garrosh]: YES! <pauses> Wait, no no, I'm not worthy.

[Thrall]: <Sighs deeply> Okay... Then who else will take this--

[Garrosh]: WAIT! I change my mind!

[Thrall]: Very well ! Garrosh. Come forth and recieve--

[Garrosh]: <turns away dramatically> No, change my mind once again.

[Thrall]: By my Doomhammer, Garrosh! You're not a damn cat, are you in or out?

[Garrosh]: <pauses> I'm in. <turns to Thrall, everyone cheers> No, no wait, I'm out. <turns away, everyone facepalms/cries/etc.>

[Thrall]: Heeey Garrosh! Lookie lookie what I goooot! </e slowly pulls out the Gorehowl. From where? Who cares! He's a shaman.> Seeee it? Waaaant it? Gotta haaave it?

[Garrosh]: OOH! The axe that makes demons axe-plode!

[Thrall]: Your...your father's axe, actually. I figured this would have some significant meaning to you or something...you know..

[Garrosh]: Forget that, I have me a brand new axe! <pushes Thrall away> I'm so happy with this thing, I feel like I can Warchief now! In fact, from this day forward, I am the new Warchief of the Horde! </e looks to the others and shrugs.>

[Thrall]: Well ! Fine by me. Who wants a round of cherry grog before I leave for Nagrand? My treat. <they all leave except for Garrosh, who is flexing>

[Garrosh]: Cherry grog? OOOH! ME ME! PICK ME! <runs after them> <the narrator returns to the stage> [Narrator]: Yes, the taverns were lively that day as word of our new hero and guardian, Garrosh Hellscream, spread like wildfire on a tauren's back. No offense to any tauren in our audience, of course. In the months to follow, a great cataclysm shook the foundation of Azeroth. Cities crumbled, livestock died, and the barrens turned into a great place for a weenie roast. Garrosh Hellscream was amidst rebuilding Orgrimmar one day when he was confronted by a most difficult decision. <enter Garrosh and Vol'jin, Garrosh looking at some papers> [Garrosh]: ...I still can't read this damn map. How is that mountain up North?

[Vol'jin]: Ey mon, you said you be needin' old Vol'jin? To what end?

[Garrosh]: Oh, yeah, you. See, you know how your people are all over my city, eating my food and buying my materials off of my auction house to make their magic carpets and mechano-hogs? <Garrosh spits off to the side> [Vol'jin]: Yours? Who da hell you tink you are?

[Garrosh]: Your mother, now listen. See, that's gonna stop. Cuz I mean, it's really hard for me to run the Horde when I go to the local bar and the last of the Cherry Grog is bought out by one of your random lackeys.

Were it a tauren? Maybe I'd let it slide a bit. An orc? You bet your ass I'd let it slide. But you trolls, you...

<Garrosh turns his back and Vol'jin approaches him seemingly holding back his anger and gesturing threateningly at him, stopping when Garrosh turns around to face him after angry gestures are made> [Vol'jin]: ...we're what? Get on wit it, you speak slowa dan you look. <Garrosh turns his back again and starts rambling. As he speaks, Vol'jin begins to make taunting gestures while he is turned> [Garrosh]: ...hrm. You know, I never gave it any thought, really. You're...all a bunch...of...people...with... <he turns around and Vol'jin stops the taunting and smiles, then turns again, Vol'jin doing a number of other taunting gestures - go big or go home!> [Garrosh]: ...with blue skin and...tusks? No, that's not what bugs me. You trolls are...

[Garrosh]: So... <rinse and repeat> [Garrosh]: Uh... <And again> [Garrosh]: TWO-TOED! Yeah, you only have two toes on every foot, haha!

[Vol'jin]: And you only have two brain cells on your feet - make o'dat what you will.

[Garrosh]: <gets threatening> WHY YOU INSOLENT--

[Vol'jin]: Define eet.

[Garrosh]: Wait, what?

[Vol'jin]: De word you jus used, mon. Define 'insolent' since you like usin' it.

[Garrosh]: Don't be absurd, I'm the Warchief, of course I know what insolence is! It's what YOU'RE being right now!

[Vol'jin]: Yes, but what does eet mean? Explain to me, mah toes an' I just ain't as smart as de Warchief.

[Garrosh]: It...um...GUARD, BRING ME A DICKENER...er...DICTIONARY! <A Kor'kron comes in, kneeling before Garrosh and handing him a book>

[Garrosh]: <flips through the pages> Let's see...here it is! A pep...tide hormone produced by cells of the pancreas and is central to regulating...carboh...hydr...

THIS IS A GOBLIN MEDICAL DICKENER! UNACCEPTABLE! I'll burn you at the stake later! <the Kor'kron runs away crying> [Vol'jin]: Know dis, Garrosh. De way you runnin' da Horde? You gonna fall hard. You gonna fall fast. An' when you fall, it gonna hurt dat small head o' yours. And...something about a black arrow piercing your heart or...I dunno, what was I talkin' about?

[Garrosh]: Insulin?

[Vol'jin]: Oh, right, de meanin' o' dat word by de way is 'rude or disrespectful behavia'. See ya lata, mon.

<Vol'jin leaves> [Garrosh]: That was my SECOND guess! <Garrosh walks away, and the Narrator arrives once more on stage>

[Narrator]: In time, the Forsaken Warfront had gained a considerable advantage over the forces of Gilneas. Lady Sylvanas had a solution for the plight of her people so Garrosh came to give that plan a goooood once over... <Enter Garrosh and Sylvanas> [Garrosh]: This better be important, Sylvanas! I'm missing my goblin soaps for this-- I mean...I'm missing the chance to crush Alliance skulls between my thighs! <Garrosh flexes and Sylvanas facepalms> [Sylvanas]: Actually, I'm just here to tell you I found a solution to the Forsaken's plight, as the narrator just said. See, the Forsaken, being undead, are without the ability to reproduce, so to replenish our numbers, I--

[Garrosh]: <gets uncomfortably close to Sylvanas> I ever tell you about the time I skinned a boar with my teeth?

[Sylvanas]: ...no. I don't particularly care to hear the story either. Now as I was saying, I--

<Garrosh begins flexing as Sylvanas begins speaking and she rolls her eyes and waits for him to stop (flex three times facing different angles> [Garrosh]: Yeeeep, takes a lot of work to keep the guns in shape. Diet and exercise, and I drink plenty of juice. And if the bar ain't bending, you're just pretending. Yeeeep. [Sylvanas]: I'm sure you do all of that and more while you're listening to your radio romance dramas. Now focus on the task at hand.

[Garrosh]: You like Cherry Grog, Sylvanas? <he gets uncomfortably close again and flexes>

[Sylvanas]: I don't care to answer that. Anyway, my newly employed Valk'yr can raise the--

[Garrosh]: You...uh... ever seen a grown orc naked before, Sylvanas?

[Sylvanas]: What?!

[Garrosh]: I...said...you have that bone pork crated, Sylvanas?

[Sylvanas]: Can you focus for more than five fractions of a second? I'm trying to tell you how I plan to bolster my forces and combat the worgen packs of Gilneas!

[Garrosh]: Oh. I see how it is. <Garrosh walks away> You disappoint me, Sylvanas. You can have the alpha, yet you keep chasing the betas of the pack. Literally!

[Sylvanas]: Warchief, are you implying that I have some sick personal obsession with the enemy aside from unleashing a wholesale slaughter?

[Garrosh]: CLEVER Bitch I MIGHT be! You're grounded, no Blight!

[Sylvanas]: You're an imbecile!

[Garrosh]: And you smell! <he pauses and sniffs his pits> No, wait, that's me. I haven't bathed in at least a week. I'll go do that now. <he leaves, but pauses halfway>

[Garrosh]: ...nah, I'll do it next week. <Garrosh and Sylvanas exit the stage, and the Narrator arrives> [Narrator]: With Garrosh largely responsible for the death of the loved Cairne Bloodhoof, many of the tauren went from being only politely and slightly disgruntled with the new Warchief to actually ...frowning at him for a change. Maybe even glaring at him! However...Baine Bloodhoof, son of Cairne, took the gentle people's anger into his own hands one day... <enter Baine and Garrosh>

[Baine]: Garrosh! We must speak at once!

[Garrosh]: Go away, lunch isn't for another three hours and I'm sick of steak.

[Baine]: <points at Garrosh> No, no more 'beef' or 'steak' jokes. I get enough of those from the idle elves that come to complete tasks I give out in order to gain favor enough with my people to purchase noble kodo... ...that they will probably leave in a stable and not feed or take care of for months on end! I tolerated your actions against my father because he agreed to your terms of mortal combat, and you at least helped rid the bluff of the traitorous Grimtotem!

<Sylvanas enters from stage left and waves at the audience, points to Garrosh, and faces the audience and nods, then snickers, inching closer to Garrosh every time Baine speaks. Garrosh is none the wiser and continues to face Baine. Vol'jin is also there, snickering and giving a thumbs up to Sylvanas, emotively encouraging her to pull the prank> [Baine]: <nods at Sylvanas and clears his throat> Where was I? Oh, yes. I found THIS...on my doorstep! <Baine tosses a smouldering satchel of a foul smelling substance at Garrosh's feet> [Baine]: Explain why this sack of worg fecal matter was burning at my doorstep this morning!

[Garrosh]: What? That? I didn't do it.

[Baine]: <shows Garrosh a letter> This has "From Garrosh" written on the front of it.

[Garrosh]: That could be anyone!

[Baine]: It has your complete set of dental records and the phrase "It was totally 'm'" written inside.

[Garrosh]: Damn, I ALWAYS forget the 'e' in 'me'.

[Baine]: Aha! So you admit to this atrocity!

[Garrosh]: Admit to...? Oh, oh that, yes. Well, you see, I had to send the message to you that your people smell like burning shit somehow. Or... <he sniffs himself and shivers>

[Garrosh]: ...I still haven't taken that shower. Nevermind, but my statement still stands. <Sylvanas gently pins a sign on Garrosh's back, snickers, and runs away> [Baine]: Know this, Garrosh. The day will come when you will answer for this attrocity. And when that happens, I will be sure to have a steaming sack of kodo leavings to set ablaze with the fury of the ancestors! <he begins to walk away> Oh, and Cherry Grog tastes AWFUL! There, I said it!

[Garrosh]: <goes into a fury> YOU TAKE THAT BACK! YOU TAKE THAT RIGHT THE HELL BACK! Tauren! I'm talking to you! I'm--wait, what's this on my back? <Garrosh rips the sign off as Baine exits stage right and reads it> [Garrosh]: "Kick me, I'm an ogre headed bafoon"? What? Hrm, there's something written on the back. 'PS: Vol'jin says 'hi'. What? <Garrosh suddenly gets hit by an arrow in the back, and yanks it out, unraveling a note tied to it>

[Garrosh]: "I mean 'die', the 'h' was just a 'd' and 'i' that came out wrong." What the Thok? WHO IS SENDING THESE?! <Garrosh gets hit by another arrow to the knee and yanks it out, unraveling the note on that arrow>

[Garrosh]: ..."Your mother"? MOM! Why would you do this?!?

[Narrator]: Many moons have passed and soon the war in Pandaria was in full swing. It was the morning of Garrosh's greatest ah... “Triumph”, to him at least. In what was once a tranquil place, he arrives in The Vale of Eternal Blossoms, and sought to command powers greater than he could even possibly comprehend in that brain of his. This backfired quite a bit on him when confronted by Pandaria's most “happening” guardian.

[Garrosh]: Storm~! Black clouds fill the sky, Earth, I hear my battle cry, Fire! And thunder will bring forth DEATH from the power of MY HORDE!~ Hahaha--eh?

[Taran Zhu]: ENOUGH! You have been allowed to cause havok for far too long, Hellscream!

[Garrosh]: Eh? Oh great, not another fat guy.

[Taran Zhu]: I am Taran Zhu, lord of the Shado-Pan! I have observed your Horde since your people first brought havoc to my land and--

<pauses as Garrosh pulls out a pot labeled 'Hunny'> What...just...what are you doing?

[Garrosh]: You're a bear, aren't you? Here, I'll give you this if you let me pass by.

[Taran Zhu]: ... <throws a shuriken at the pot and breaks it> I have no patience for your inferior mind games, Hellscream!

[Garrosh]: <in a fury> YOU WRETCH! Do you realize how expensive honey is?! That does it, now you're in for it!

[Taran Zhu]: <takes a battle-ready stance> Indeed. Let us end this once and for all, no more formalities... <Garrosh narrows his eyes, then snaps his fingers>

[Garrosh]: HIT IT! <A 'chill beat' begins to play> [Taran Zhu]: What the--

[Garrosh]: Hellscream's the name, I ain't playing your game! You better give up now, but it's all the same! You'll be dead when I bust my Warchief rhymes for you, and when I'm done Gorehowl will split you up in two! You're a Shado-Pan? Big deal there buddy, I've got three frying pans in the kitchen, see! I'm a Warchef - I mean a Warchief, sorry. Been playing with that gag too much and now my mind's all tarry. [Taran Zhu]: <While Hellscream is still rapping, no pause> Tarry?

[Garrosh]: But I'm still fifty times the rhymes you are! I brought the Heart of Y'saarj up here, you can't get that far! You're too fat, it ain't muscle, don't you go lying - cuz if the bar ain't bendin' you ain't even trying!

I'm the son of Grom, you aren't on my list - the most I know about you is that you made me pissed! So give it a try and then you die, at that hands of Hellscream, I'll make you cry. <Taran Zhu blinks and awkwardly picks up the microphone that Garrosh drops at his feet>

[Taran Zhu]: I...am...unfamiliar with how this game is played, but I'll...best you at it, pay you back in spades! I am calm as a crane, the Shado-Pan my flock. Hardy as steel, earth and rock! You know so little about the powers you tempt, and so from my mercy you will be exempt! The Thunder King's forces could not stop me at all, so your divided Horde will surely fall! Like a snake in the grass I'll strike unseen, and kick your donkey - wait, ass, oh YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! None have survived a true battle with me, between my skill and cunning and mastery of chi!

Your father tempted powers beyond reckoning as well, where is he? Oh right, suckling the dirt on your family tree! <Taran Zhu drops the mic in an epic fashion, Garrosh standing speechless'>

[Garrosh]: You take that back! You...take that back! That was mean! <Garrosh begins to cry> Too far! You always have to take things too far, you're freaking mental!

[Taran Zhu]: Uh...so I win? Yes, of course I win! <gets serious again> Ahem, I knew that. Hellscream, now that I have bested you at your own game, you will answer for your crimes and... ...would you please... get off the ground and at least take this seriously? No, I would feel awful about hurting a completely vulnerable opponent, even if you are an asshole.

[Garrosh]: <begins to suck his thumb again> No YOU'RE an asshole, asshole! So mean! I think I'm just gonna lie down here now. <Taran Zhu scratches the back of his head> [Taran Zhu]: You uh...have a spider on your shoulder.

[Garrosh]: <jumps> AHHH! WHERE?! WHAT KIND?!

[Taran Zhu]: <gets in a sneak attack> IT'S A TARANZHULA! <knocks Hellscream off the stage> There. I knew he was faking it...

< begins to walk off stage, stops, then picks up the mic he dropped earlier and shrugs >

My name is Taran Zhu, and I'm here to say...oh forget it, this is TOO absurd. <tosses the mic behind him into the fountain> <the Narrator returns to the stage>

[Narrator]: Yes...Hellscream, truly, has left an everlasting impression upon the Horde one so great that during those events on the Isle of Thunder, a revolution was established. On the day of his final downfall, Garrosh stood before Thrall one final time in defiance.....

[Thrall]: Garrosh...you disappointed me.

[Garrosh]: What?

[Thrall]: You tortured the elements. You divided our people. You disgraced the Horde with your …-warmongering-!

[Garrosh]: Hey, in my defense, people LIKED the warmongering!

[Thrall]: Wha-?

[Garrosh]: Yeah! I mean, it got us land. Resources. We didn't have as many territory issues. I fed our people who were starving in the desert. I mean, yeah, the trolls were kind of oppressed, but they only have two toes so who cares?

[Thrall]: ME!! I CARE! </e points to HIMSELF>

[Garrosh]: Well what are you gonna do about it? You MADE me warchief after all. I mean, this whole thing is your fault.

[Thrall]: Y- Wait, what?

[Garrosh]: Yeah, I mean...I'm not perfect, but I did the job you gave me.

<Sylvanas, Vol'jin, and Taran Zhu approach from the side stage>

[Sylvanas]: He's got a point, Thrall.

[Vol'jin]: Ya, joo kinda dropped de ball on dat one.

[Thrall]: Now hold on a minute-!

[Garrosh]: I mean, if you hadn't made me Warchief, things would have been a bit different. I'd probably still be an obedient dog in your army instead of where I am now.

[Taran Zhu]: So it is all clear now. YOU are the problem, Thrall!

[Thrall]: Are you all listening to yourselves- WAIT-!

[Garrosh]: Yeah, it's totally him! Now uh...I'm just gonna go get some snacks for everyone so, wait right here and--<tries to tiptoe away>

[Sylvanas]: GET THEM BOTH! <all three begin to chase Thrall and Garrosh around the stage. One lap around the pavilion and then one through the audience.>

[Thrall]: Aaaaaaah! THE END, I GUESS?! <END>

TRIVIA!

Hellsqueal was the very first major production ever produced and publicly performed by the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe. It was written by Atos Sunhart as a propaganda play for the troupes of Vol’jin’s Revolution, and premiered originally in October of 2013, during the week the final wing of Siege of Orgrimmar LFR opened! The final scene was intended to be comically prophetic, as there was a lot of talk about server canon at the time that the Siege was still technically going on.

The original run of Hellsqueal, the True Warchief’s Tale was performed at the Razor Hill Barracks, and by a cast of no more than 4 people, all playing multiple roles at a time. It was written so that it could be done by a relatively small cast, with enough roles to suffice for a larger cast if need be.

Our original Sylvanas was played by a pandaren. Just a fun tidbit.

Hellsqueal, the True Warchief’s Tale, has spawned two sequels, and the Hellsqueal character himself has appeared in several other plays of ours since. Moving forward we still plan to use the character from time to time.

By the time the play was performed, the Troupe was already a formed guild for over two years. However, recruitment for it had not started until two months leading up to the play’s release. As this was our first performance as a functioning guild, Hellsqueal marked the true birth of the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe, and as such we have celebrated our anniversary on the third Friday of every October since.

There is a missing scene that was added to the play during our second year of performing. In this scene, Lorthemar confronted Garrosh about his horrible spelling errors, and how he wrote his occupation down as ‘Warchef’. This scene also involved a hozen doctor named Dr. Ook-and-Pook. This scene is missing because, well, no one can find the copy of the script anymore with said scene written. Another scene involving Gallywix was worked on, but never finished, as we believed it would bloat the runtime far too much.

#tttscripts #scriptarchive

6 notes · View notes