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thetirisfaltheatretroupe · 5 years

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[Script Archive] Hellsequel: Right to Remain Stupid

“Hellsequel, Right to Remain Stupid” <<The following is a play that has been retired from the Tirisfal Theatre’s library, and will only reoccur for private events for the foreseeable future. This script has been placed here so that those who enjoyed the play or wish to perform it themselves may do so. Credit for this comedic performance goes to the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe>>

<CAST: Garrosh Hellscream, Taran Zhu, Warchief Vol’jin, Jaina Proudmoore, Sylvanas Windrunner, Baine Bloodhoof, Kairozdormu, Lor’themar Theron, Thrall> <The scene opens following the narration. We begin at the beginning of the trial, following Thrall’s narration. Note: If the performance venue is large enough, Thrall enters from behind the audience, turning their attention towards him. He does not acknowledge the trial, rather, he is speaking purely to the audience.>

[Thrall]: O-Oh! Throm'ka everyone, I did not see you at first! You see, I am on my way to play my role in Garrosh Hellscream's trial you all...must be here for that as well. The ruling for this is quite obvious

<Stage whisper> He's guilty. Garrosh Hellscream...

He had his successes. Many tales followed after that at what good he did..even when things were not. That he was...courageous, a true orc's orc. But the reality of his story is a very dark one indeed.

Especially to those that trusted him... You would think, that the great Grommash Hellscreams child , who – yes...his history is not the same in everyone’s eyes but in the end Grommash did what was right.

He saved our people. Garrosh...Garrosh only took half of that history and continued with the wrong side. A path of...violence, hatred, and ignorance.

It hurts my heart. It hurts my heart to it's deepest core that this was the outcome to what could have been a great leader who would have been a leader of legend. But instead he turned into one of the biggest embarrassments to orcs everywhere, especially the Mag'har who trusted him.

Oh- I think I know where I am going...listen. Everyone. Let this evening be an entertaining one as we look at a dark part of our history.

When the clouds are gloomy and the rivers rise with rain, it is laughter that can turn those rains into a healthy shower..and then revealing the sun once more. Stare down these times with the confidence that humor gives us.

Who knows what will happen at this trial! Will justice previal? Or will Hellscream somehow get out of it all with his own stupid luck? So everyone please enjoy “Hellsequel: Right to Remain Stupid!”

<he bows and exits stage right. The trial begins. Zhu stands at the far middle of stage right. Hellscream is in the center, facing Zhu and kneeling. Baine stands right behind him, positioned towards the backdrop. Jaina, Sylvanas, and Vol’jin stand in a row behind them.> [Zhu]: It appears all things are in order, minus the absence of Varian Wrynn. Something about needing a chin graft, I don’t know. . Now begins the trial of the war criminal, Garrosh Hellscream, usurped leader of the Horde.

Representing him will be Baine Bloodhoof. For what reason… <He stares Baine down and shakes his head> I honestly cannot comprehend. [Baine]: <salutes> Your honor, I assure you that representing Hellscream is something I do entirely to ensure he receives a fair and just trial and answers fully for his crimes, and is in no way done due to a promise for a lifetime supply of Cherry Grog. [Garrosh]: <grumbles> Sure, Beef, why not tell them your shoe size while you’re at it…

[Baine]: <turns to Hellscream> But…I don’t wear shoes. [Garrosh]: …wait, then what are those things on your feet? [Baine]: <blinks> You mean my hooves? [Garrosh]: THAT’S what those are?! I always thought those were tiny circular shoes! [Baine]: <turns to Zhu> I’d like to make the first statement in his defense early and get it out of the way. Your honor, as you can see, my client is a Thoking idiot. [Garrosh]: <roars> YOUR FACE IS A THOKING IDIOT! [Sylvanas]: <rolls her eyes> Yes, tauren, I think we all knew that. Let’s hurry this along. I’ve got places to blight, people to raise.

[Thrall]: <he folds his arms over his chest, exhaling.> Let’s just get this over with..

Jaina’s has that... ‘drown the Horde’ look in her eye again and I am NOT going to clean this one up again. Probably. Maybe. We'll see. [Jaina]: <eyes twitch> Horde…too many…one place…nrrrgh…kill the Horde! K-- [Vol’jin]: WHOA dere, Proudmoore! Calm de calamity that be yo’ mammaries! Hea’, eat a Giggles. Jo’ just not jo’ when jo’ hungry! <hands her a Giggles bar> [Jaina]: DON’T TRY TO DISTRACT ME WITH DELICIOUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT, WARCHIEF! <does a double take and then takes the bar, turning away from the audience and then devouring it with loud smacking noises> [Zhu]: Everyone, sit down and shut up with your faces! You are in MY court, and you will adhere by MY rules! [Garrosh]: But! …will we adTHERE by your rules too? Eh? EH? [Zhu]: I will sentence you to death immediately if you make another bad joke like that. [Garrosh]: <grumbles incoherently> [Baine]: <nudges Garrosh> Between you and me…I laughed. [Garrosh]: Shut up.

[Zhu]: IN THE CASE… of Garrosh Hellscream, Mister Hellscream, how do you plead? [Garrosh]: <use Moros’ polishing Indecent, your honor! [Baine]: Yes. <does a double take> Wait, what? This isn’t what we agreed to. <Vol’jin, Sylvans, and Jaina all laugh at Baine> WHAT? I told him to plead guilty and I’d work to reduce his sentence! [Zhu]: ORDER! Order in the court! Hellscream, your attorney does not know of your decision to plead innocent. Do you intend to proceed with a plea of innocence? [Garrosh]: <flashes a big toothy grin> Does this look like the face of insincerity to you? [Vol’jin]: Ugh. De face only a mudda could love. [Zhu]: Very well. You stand before accusations of war, torture, kidnapping, twelve counts of assault with a dark herring, being downright ugly, failing to signal at a left turn at the Kodo Stop, biting, clawing, cheating, filing your taxes late… ...,stealing candy from babies, drawing phallic symbols on battlefields with the blood of the fallen, clogging fifty outhouses without telling anyone, animal abuse, spousal abuse, substance abuse, child abuse-- [Garrosh]: THAT WRYNN KID WAS ASKING FOR IT! [Zhu]: ...laundering money, laundering laundry money, conspiring to devour the entire world’s supply of raspberry pies, dancing lewdly in front of the August Celestials, telling horrible jokes, and last but not least, rapping like a grade A sucker. [Garrosh]: …hey, I only did twenty two of those things! [Zhu]: That last one was added after you got served in the last play. Deal with it, sucka’. Now then, do you stand before this court and say that you did none of this, even though you quite clearly confessed just now to doing twenty two of the twenty three crimes anyway? [Garrosh]: <turns to Baine> I got this, Beefcake. [Baine]: <grumbles and walks away> Sure you do…I better still get my Grog, though. Didn’t get any last time... [Garrosh]: Your honor, I would like to make my first defense. [Zhu]: Very well. Have you subpoenaed a witness? [Garrosh]: What? I should hope not! You’re a pervert for even asking such a thing out of me! <turns to Baine> What does ‘sub peenee’ mean? [Baine]: <smirks> It means you’re toast if you don’t have a witness. [Garrosh]: Dammit, and I’m all out of jam and butter! [Baine]: …I have to speak as literally as I am capable of with you, don’t I? [Garrosh]: Your honor, I would like to call to the stands my witness…uh…Notthere…Mc…Doesn’texistenhansonshire. The second. [Zhu]: …and where is this witness? [Garrosh]: Oh uh. He said he’d be late, so uh…you’ll just have to take my word for it that he really was there and saw everything, your honor! [Sylvanas]: OBJECTION! I swore NotthereMcDoesntexistenhansonshire II into the Forsaken army and know for a FACT that he does not know this gnoll brained barbarian.

[Zhu]: Garrosh, if you cannot provide a proper witness, then we will be forced to proceed to your opposition instead. Now sit down, shut up, and take your lumps. I call to the stand a Miss Jaina Proudmoore! <Proudemore stands at the plaintiffs’ stand> [Zhu]: Lady Proudmoore, how do you know the defendant? [Jaina]: <spits> He’s the scum that slaughtered my people in Theramore. I could never forgive him for what he did. GARROSH: OBJECTION ON THE GROUNDS THAT THIS WOMAN IS HARBORING AN OLD GOD IN HER HOOHAA! [Zhu]: A rather bold and... borderline sexist claim? Also, how do you know this? [Garrosh]: Because she smells like a dragon’s sweaty taint! [Jaina]: <her expression becomes borderline psychopathic and she crackles with energy> IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL TO HAVE AN INTER-SPECIES RELATIONSHIP, YOU THUG!

[Sylvanas]: Well that’s an image I’ll need to scrape out of my brain later on. Quite literally, even...

[Zhu]: ORDER! ORDER! Sit down and shut up, Hellscream. Now then, Miss Proudmoore, we are aware in the court of the terrible things Hellscream did to the port town of Theramore. But can you tell us any crimes he did that will not result in a pissing match between you two?

[Jaina]: <calms in bewilderment> Wh…what? [Zhu]: <gestures to the audience> We have a limited run-time, and this trial is just now under way. If you and Garrosh get into it now, I'm pretty sure it will eat up all the time we have what with the grievances between you both. [Jaina]: <her eyes crackle and she storms off the stand> New…objective…must…kill…fat judge… [Zhu]: Next, we call the stand Warchief Vol’jin! <Vol’jin approaches the witness stand> [Vol’jin]: How can old Vol’jin help ya? [Garrosh]: Wait a second, I thought I had him killed! [Baine]: …are you serious? He spoke already and you’re just now noticing he’s here? [Garrosh]: Oh. Wait, did I order him killed before he spoke or after?

[Baine]: This scenario is hopeless, isn’t it? [Zhu]: Tell us what grief this criminal buffoon has brought upon you, Warchief. [Vol’jin]: Ah yas, well, I was mindin’ mah own business, ya know? Doin’ a scout mission fo’ da bastard back when he be Warchief insteada’ me. I find out he be lookin’ for darkest of magics ta be creatin’ an unstoppable army fo’ himself. So I speak up about it, and his assassin stab me trough da neck. He admits he gonna do dat anyway unda’ Garrosh’s ordas. [Garrosh]: Wait, then how the hell is he still alive? [Baine]: He can regenerate. I mean, come on, you’re asking this stuff now? [Garrosh]: Uh…yeah? I mean, what does being a degenerate have to do with surviving a stab wound in the Thoking neck? [Vol’jin]: He be wantin’ ta take control o’ da entire Horde! Thas why I led de assault on him. [Garrosh]: OBJECTION! He didn’t go anywhere NEAR me with the salt shaker! [Baine]: I’m just not even going to touch that one. [Zhu]: You are a brave troll for stepping up, Warchief. May the trial avenge you for the grievances caused. You may sit now. <Vol’jin nods and returns to his seat> [Garrosh]: <whispers to Baine, but loudly so all can hear> So uh, don’t look now, but I think Vol’jin is alive! [Baine]: <turns away and chants> I’m doing it for the Grog, I’m doing it for the Grog, I’m doing it for the Grog… [Zhu]: Sylvanas Windrunner, please come to the witness stand. <While this happens, Thrall and Jaina run back, Thrall is putting his armor back on as he's running back and Jaina is fixing his dress. Not much should be said, just confused glances from the rest of the Leaders.>

<Sylvanas approaches the stand> [Zhu]: Lady Windrunner, you have filed charges against Garrosh for various grievances against you and your people. When did these problems begin? [Sylvanas]: <scoffs> Begin? That assumes he wasn’t an ignorant oaf from the beginning.

[Garrosh]: OBJECTION! I acted out of self-pity! She friend zoned me!

[Sylvanas]: No, I shot down your sexual harassment like so many ravens in a sky of black arrows. [Garrosh]: <flirts> You can shoot my raven any day. You uh...wanna see my prison tats? [Baine]: I want to see them! <everyone gasps at Baine> <Baine shrugs> What? I’m actually curious!

[Zhu]: Ignoring both of these morons. It says here he disallowed the use of a forbidden chemical military bioweapon called the…Blight?

So wait, he was trying to do something admirable? [Sylvanas]: W-what? No, no, nonsense, he didn’t take away our Blight, he was uhm…he was taking away our flight! Yes, that’s right! Without our bat riders, we could not hope to achieve victory in Gilneas and would have been overrun, so he effectively doomed my people! [Garrosh]: Hey! That's a lie! If I had my own perfect world, NOBODY would be able to fly unless they passed a long, dumb, arduous series of tasks meant to wear out their spirits and crush their interest in fighting! Only THEN would I allow them their flying licenses! Ah, what a perfect world that would be! <he cackles> [Zhu]: Hrm. Very well, must have been a typo. And other grievances? [Sylvanas]: Yes. <points to Garrosh> He wreaks of odors that make death itself ill. I’d like for his punishment to include a scrubdown if possible, even if you have to rob him of his skin to accomplish it. [Garrosh]: HAH! I KNEW you wanted to see me naked! [Zhu]: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOU NAKED! You may return to your seat, Windrunner. Next up… <he groans> Thrall. [Thrall]: Your honor, I’ll make this brief and to the point. Years ago, the Horde needed a leader. Garrosh was seen as a war hero for his work in Northrend, even though the heavy lifting was mostly done by Varok Saurfang.

[Garrosh]: OBJECTION! [Zhu]: DID I NOT TELL YOU TO STOP SAYING THAT?! On what grounds?! [Garrosh]: On the grounds that Saurfang did the heavy lifting! I can bench TWICE what that old codger could! [Thrall]: Yeah..welll! He once spat through the Dark Portal and killed the Pit Commander on the other side! You try and spit roast a pit lord and call me when you're on Saurfang's level.

[Vol’jin]: Oh my...

[Garrosh]: Oh, this coming from the guy who tried to set me up with the murder weapon. [Thrall]: What MURDER weapon?! [Garrosh]: Yeah, you tried to get me to trade my sweet hammer for your ruddy axe! <NOTE: Equip ‘doomhammer’ prop> <Garrosh waves Doomhammer around> I would never trade this awesome hammer for anything, especially a weapon that can trace me back to the various horrors and crimes of my own regime! <hugs his mace> [Thrall]: What?! By my BALLS, you’re an idiot! the Doomhammer is right where it belongs! Right h--- <he draws Gorehowl> ...WHAT THE HELL?! [Garrosh]: SCREAM!

[Thrall]: Look-

<he sighs reels back and just THROWS the Gorehowl back to Garrosh. He then kneels down to pick up the Doomhammer and runs back to his spot, securing the Doomhammer to his side.> Look..your honor, as you can see, it was CLEARLY a mistake to put him in charge. I THOUGHT he would wise up a bit, but I was not so lucky. None of us were. Then was like a bad itch. Things kept coming up and I... couldn’t resolve the Horde’s plight until it was too late. And I- [Garrosh]: OBJECTION! [Zhu]: <turns to Garrosh and shakes his gavel in his face> If you say that word one more damn time, I will shove this gavel so far up your ass the Sha of Sodomy won’t be able to find it!

[Thrall]: Hah... Sha of Sodomy.

[Zhu]: <turns to Thrall> Don’t get smug! Again, your poor foresight led to this moment. However, it would be unfair to condemn you as if you knew this would happen. Hellscream is unpredictable. The jury understands. [Thrall]: Wait..., you’re judge AND jury? [Zhu]: And executioner, yes. Should see a Friday night trial, I’m also the entertainment. [Garrosh]: OOooh! OOOH! I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED! [Zhu]: NO! Now, Thrall. Have you anything more to say? [Thrall]: Yes. ..

< He turns to the audience, scanning them and puts a hand up as he speaks so he can deliver say what he needs to.>

Garrosh was given the mantle of Warchief in good faith that the wants of my people would drive him to do what was not only best...But what was -right.- Some would say that making Garrosh leader was the single worst decision I have ever made, and I should feel remorse for it.

It’s taken me a long, long time to come to terms with the fact that I may have very well been one of the catalysts that led to his rise. It was a mistake, One that I am honestly , truly, sor- <Thrall suddenly gets wisked offstage by the elements> AAAAGH! [Zhu]: …convenient. Next witness to the stand…Lor’themar! <Lor’themar approaches the ‘stand’> [Jaina]: More Horde? Piss off, pretty boy! [Lor’themar]: <chuckles> My dearest Lady Proudmoore, while I realize you must be terribly distressed by the presence of one of your moral AND tactical betters, I did not single handedly bring down twenty Mogu warlords on the Isle of Thunder whilst bravely making my way here, challenged by danger at every turn, JUST to be stopped by a pretty petty face. [Jaina]: Oh really? Well why did yours stop you from taking action when Garrosh bombed Theramore? [Lor’themar]: I don’t know, but I’d wager it was for the same reason yours compelled you to attempt drowning an entire civilization in return. Because that’s entirely what a level headed leader would do, eye for an eye and the whole world is blind. [Vol’jin]: Ehhhh, he gotcha good, mon. I mean, ya did kinda go off de deep end. Literally. [Baine]: I mean, to be fair, maybe she just wanted her point to make some waves.

[Jaina]: And THERE it goes! Nope, I’m done! Do with him what you will, but I DRAW the line and puns! <she storms towards the edge of the stage in a huff and leans against a pillar > [Lor’themar]: <shoots the audience an award winning smile> It seems the good lady and I had a…mis-punderstanding. [Everyone Except Garrosh]: BOOOOOOOO! <throw rotten fruit at him via toy> [Lor’themar]: Everyone is just…such a critic anymore! [Zhu]: Reagent Lord, you are the next witness to testify against him on this day. Your words will help dictate the conclusion of this conflict, and dispatch justice for the entire world.

[Sylvanas]: So don’t choke on the pressure, pretty boy. [Lor’themar]: Oh please, Garrosh is as good as hung. [Garrosh]: Well I mean, it’s not THAT big… I mean, no, yes it is! It’s HUGE! [Lor’themar]: <glares at Garrosh and turns back to Sylvanas> I am going to enjoy this far, far more than any civilized man should. <Lor’themar clears his voice, a light shining down on him dramatically> We have all suffered much under the misguided, arrogant, ignorant, horrific, and feeble minded actions of the orc before you! He stands as the worst example of his people, one who seeks only power and conquest. A megalomaniac of the most corrupt caliber, who walked among us in a position of power. <he gestures to Garrosh> Is he guilty of all he’s been accused of? Perhaps. Maybe. Definitely. Yes. Yes he is. He sent my people on a tyrant’s crusade, spilled blood unprovoked, and threatened to unleash ancient and dark powers upon us all. We were all there, so we all know. The judge, he also knows. Yet, should we allow his sentence to stall simply to get a confession out of him, we will wait forever. Do not expect the truth to come out of his mouth anytime in the near future. [Garrosh]: <face swells with anger> You…want the truth? <he stands up and slams his hand on the table> I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! [Baine]: That went way out of context, and off topic as well. [Lor’themar]: <pauses in silence for a moment then turns again to the judge> Your honor, I rest my case. <he bows and leaves the court toom> Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of shampoo. [Zhu]: As eloquent as his speech was, it…kind of skirted around the issue at hand. [Garrosh]: But I wore my tutu for this one…

[Zhu]: And now we call upon the final witness to Garrosh's crimes...

[Baine]: My father's tormented spirit?!?

[Sylvanas]: Anyone with two eyes and a brain?

[Jaina]: The obliterated remains of my people?!

[Lor’themar]: <calling from off-stage> The wrongfully incarcerated elves of Quel'thel--oh, sorry, that was Lady Proudmore's crime.

[Garrosh]: Baine's father's tormented spirit?!?

[Baine]: ...I'm done being your defense attorney.

[Garrosh]: Oh come on, Beefy boy! We're all thinking it!

[Zhu]: The legendary Hozen hero...

[Garrosh]: Ooooooh my old gods, not him!

[Zhu]: Riko!

[Garrosh]: OH COME ON! I DECLARE A MISTRIAL!

[Riko]: <enters the stage and takes the plaintiff’s stand> Riko declare your ookin' face a mistrial! [Vol’jin]: Eh look, a monkey testifyin’ against a monkey! Innin dat what de humans parliament like? [Baine]: Nah, there’s a little less stupid. …more stupid. Less…um…what was the question? [Riko]: <clears his throat> Riko remember like was only yesterday that Garrymosh was wicked wicket with baaaaad ookin’ dookin’ about! [Jaina]: Can anyone legitimately understand him? [Riko]: He block hozen trade routes, make us Grookin’ Hill dookers have to ook in our own ookin’ hork of a dookin’ dooker dook. [Zhu]: <gasps as if this is some sort of a capital offense> That is…absolutely terrible! [Riko]: Riko know, right? Anyway, wikkets was under big Garry’s jabbers, makin’ them spook the ook’ into the dookers of hozen-kind while we was playing flerkin’ drink drink boogalo – hozen’s favorite game next to slap the slickie! [Zhu]: Blasphemous! How dare he exude such ignorant disdain for another people’s culture! [Sylvanas]: Does anyone else feel like we’re missing some context? Subtitles would also be nice. [Riko]: So Riko gather up his best jab-jabs and slickies and took Garry in hand to hand Dookin’! Garry cheat. He threw dook in Riko’s face, seen as act of blikk-jeekin’ dikkety dook-manker, and highest bleekin’ insult in all of hozen world!

<everyone turns slowly to Garrosh> [Garrosh]: <shrugs> What? WHAT? I left Gorehowl on the stove on my way out of the house that morning, I had to throw SOMETHING at him! [Zhu]: I see. Terrible. Simply terrible. You are very brave to stand up here today and testify, Riko. You do your people proud. [Riko]: Riko just doin’ it for all the greekin’ lil’ mankers back home. <takes out a tissue and blows his nose> They just grow faster than an ikken jibbet. [Zhu]: Watch your profanity in the court, sir. You may step down. I, Taran Zhu, will now decide the fate of this madman. [Riko]: <bows and leaves the stage, spitting on Garrosh on the way out> [Garrosh]: <angrily> Dammit…that monkey totally spanked me with that testimony! [Baine]: Well considering if it were the other way around, you’d…nevermind. [Zhu]: Garrosh Hellscream, you may make your final testimony now. [Garrosh]: I guess if Bainey boy won’t do it… <stands up before Zhu, then faces the audience> People of this court. Did I do everything they said I did? Well, yes! But I also DIDN’T! You see, my entire life, I have been raised under the pretense of war. I have fought, I have killed, I have led others into battle! It was GLORIOUS! But it also made me unfit for Azeroth’s ways of ‘diplomacy’ and stuff. That is why, people of the court, I am claiming myself unable to be held responsible for my actions due to my orcish upbringing! ORCFLUENZA! [Zhu]: OVERRULED! [Garrosh]: THOK YOU, I had to put my brain into overdrive to come up with that one! [Zhu]: Sit down, you little shit, while we probe the jury for the final verdict! <Garrosh, muttering, sits back down, as Zhu comes to the center of the stage and faces the audience, bowing> [Zhu]: Honorable jury of this court. <points at the audience> It is now time for your judgement of Hellscream. Is he innocent? Or is he guilty? You may now decide. <give the audience some time to yell out verdicts - have fun with this part> <Zhu returns to the stand> [Zhu]: The people of this court have spoken! Garrosh Hellscream, for your crimes against the world, you will be sentenced to…

…a big bleeding with leeches to cast the evil out of him, a spanking from ten thousand hozen…then death! [Garrosh]: BUT I PAID OFF THE LAST OF MY DEBT! I was in good standing with the Gadgetzan Credit Bureau! [Baine]: No, you idiot. It means you’re going to die. [Sylvanas]: And for the record, I won’t be resurrecting you. [Jaina]: I can’t wait to piss on your lifeless corpse… [Vol’jin]: I can’t wait ta be pissin’ on Jaina pissin’ on yo’ lifeless corpse. [Baine]: …seriously, Vol’jin? NOW of all times? [Vol’jin]: Eh, what can I say, mon? The verdict came up… <puts on Rhinestone sunglasses> golden! [Lor’themar]: <from off-stage> YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! [Jaina]: You’re all a bunch of animals… [Garrosh]: <gets incredibly angry and throws a fit on stage> Arrgh! I LOSE? No! YOU lose! All of you lose! Every last one of you will sink in the mud, be bathed in the blood of your own loved ones! I will cut off all your limbs and use them to build my throne, carve my name in the smoldering ruins of all your cities!

<everyone except Garrosh takes ‘deepstone oil’> You will weep! You will beg for mercy! You will—wait, are any of you even listening!? <suddenly, from off-stage> [Kairoz]: They can’t hear you, buffoon. [Garrosh]: Wait...did you...take away their hearing? <gasps> Are you…the Angel of Deaf?! [Kairoz]: …what? [Garrosh]: I KNEW IT! Hold on, let me get my herring aid! <Garrosh takes out a fish pet (Note: Name it Herring Aid)> [Kairoz]: Wh—no! I’m here to offer you a job. [Garrosh]: Well…I dunno. See, I’m pretty comfy with my Warchief gig, and I’m pretty sure at this point if I ask nicely, I’ll get it back. [Kairoz]: <gestures at the angry time-frozen faces around him> I highly doubt you can convince all these angry people to allow you that chance. [Garrosh]: Well, not with THAT attitude! [Kairoz]: Look, what if I told you…I could give you the power to change your people’s entire history! GARROSH: …go on. KAIROZ: <creates a sphere of sand in his hand> I have found a way to create timelines that do not even exist. Together, we can build an army, capable of defeating the Burning Legion, who will soon bare their fangs to us. [Garrosh]: …go on. [Kairoz]: You, Hellscream, have been chosen to rally the orcs of old Draenor, in a time before they were corrupted. You will lead them as a prophet and a hero, and arm them for war. Do you accept this task, bestowed upon you by me? [Garrosh]: …go on. [Kairoz]: N-no, you need to give me an answer. [Garrosh]: …go on. [Kairoz]: <rolls his eyes> Just…come with me. <pauses> Don’t you dare say go on!

[Garrosh]: … on go? [Kairoz]: Just…pack your shit and get ready to go on a wild trip, okay? [Garrosh]: Why, where are we going? <gasp> Are we going on a treasure hunt?! [Kairoz]: No. [Garrosh]: Why noooooot? [Kairoz]: Because shut up. Now, through the realms of time and space we travel… [Garrosh]: And…where are we going? [Kairoz]: Why… to a world of your design, Hellscream! A world of iron and bloodshed! A world of strength and honor, of blood and thunder! A world… <looks at the audience> …that has perfected the... craft of war. Or something. [Garrosh]: …go onnnnn? [Kairoz]: <sighs> Yes. <gestures to the audience> We will see you all in the thrilling conclusion! [Garrosh]: <faces the same way as Kairoz> Aw yeah, I’m gettin’ a trilogy, bitches! <Kairoz says nothing and uses his freaky time magikz to teleport them both away>

Thrall: Oh...Oh almost there. Nope wrong way. Ok....this wa- No. Hm AHA.

FINALLY...

Whew, I need a moment...

What did I....*huff* what did I miss....-?

<he looks around and realizes everyone is frozen in time> Oh no..

-OH NO.-

OOOOOOH NO, not again! NOPE. The last time something like this happened, I got jumped by a group of...black and white. Time traveling..dragons...? And then people were there and took all the items off of them, like thieves! Ohhh..it's ..it's all coming back.

Then I had major SHIT to deal with with Blackmoore and m-my best friend! OOH no, I am not GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN. AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT -THIS- IS.

I AIN'T HAVIN' THIS SHIT. NOPE. THE END. GOOD BYE. GO HOME. I'll see you all in Hellthreequeal! I need to go buy some anti-time travel socks from Grifta before this gets worse... THE END!! THE END!! IT'S OVER! Or is it just beginning?

NOPE, IT’S OVER!

<END>

TRIVIA

Hellsequel was originally going to cover the events on Draenor as well as Garrosh’s trial. However, in the original script, the courtroom scene was far too short, and we had way too many jokes we wanted to do with it. On top of that, the Draenor jokes were aplenty as well, and as such, we decided to split it into two separate plays.

Hellsequel is the only full production we have ever made that does not contain any scene transitions or changes at all.

We had fun combing through famous court scenes in movies and shows for this one, but Atos’s personal favorite scene to write was the reference to Jim Carrey’s “Liar Liar”, when Zhu lists off an obscenely long list of offenses Garrosh committed without pause. This was a reference to the scene where Jim Carrey’s character is asked by a cop if he knows what he pulled him over for and he asks “It depends on how long you were following me”, resulting in him confessing to every offense both minor and major he’d done and gotten away with.

This script has gone through the most changes over the years due to different actors and actresses playing the roles, or being unavailable for others. As such, so many of the lines in this play are an amalgam of improvisations done after the first performance onward. This resulted in a lot of confusion when certain improvised lines remained in the script that had context-specific lines to precede it - it was a particularly difficult mess to clean.

Despite the chaotic nature of the script, it remains Atos’s personal favorite of the trilogy.

This play marked the point where the philosophies on how we wrote plays about IC events was solidified. The idea was, since our writer was not around to see these events, he would ICly piece them together from second hand accounts, or even third parties, to create a messy quilt of cause and effect that resulted in something completely absurd passed off as historical accuracy. That is why despite this TECHNICALLY covering ‘war crimes’, nearly nothing is correct.

Tyrande was set to be a character in this play as well, but due to our cast size at the time, she was ultimately cut. Varian Wrynn would also make an appearance, as would Anduin. Our cast size dictated a lot of how we did things in the past, and to a good degree, it dictates that now.

Our poster was commissioned from @shamanofthewilds. He updated it over our old poster for the play, and he even did the poster for the third play.

#tttscripts #script archive

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thetirisfaltheatretroupe · 5 years

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[Script Archive] Hellsqueal, the True Warchief’s Tale

"Hellsqueal, the "True" Warchief's Tale" <<The following is a play that has been retired from the Tirisfal Theatre’s library, and will only reoccur for private events for the foreseeable future. This script has been placed here so that those who enjoyed the play or wish to perform it themselves may do so. Credit for this comedic performance goes to the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe>> < Scroll to the bottom for trivia surrounding this place, as well as our original poster! >

CHARACTERS: Narrator, Grom (for one line), Garrosh, Thrall, Mag'har 1, Mag'har 2, Baine, Gamon, Sylvanas, Saurfang, Vol'jin, Taran Zhu, The Kor'kron with the Dictionary

[Narrator:] It was said, that when Garrosh Hellscream was born...every shaman in the Warsong Clan came together to bestow a blessing upon him for strength- No...not because he was the great Grom's child... But because the baby looked so awful and ugly they needed to make sure he would not self drown himself. To Grom, however, he was so moved that the Shaman felt a sense of importance for his baby that he took young Garrosh and rose him to the sky gave out a passionate cry the spirits!

[Grom]: Ancestors! Upon this day, my son is born! May his fate ironically be my own! <Grom leaves the scene>

[Narrator]: At the time, he had no idea what irony was, and figured it was another word for honor... Grommash later discovered the true meaning of irony, shrugged, and figured it did not matter.

[Narrator]: Ahh yes. But who can truly forget why we so “loved” our former..former...uh fooormer Warchief? Let us begin with his humble origins those many moons ago where it all began. When the Horde rediscovered the brown orc known as The Mag'har in Outlands, Nagrand..

<Mag'har 1 & 2 are chatting across from Garrosh, Garrosh is next to a basic campfire sitting down and crying>

[Garrosh]: Oh, woe is me! My father, great Grom Hellscream, is such a disgrace! The greatmother is going to die soon and there's nothing we can do about it! Life --<he dramatically approaches the audience and lays on the ground> IT IS NOT WORTH LIVING!

[Mag'har 1]: <facepalms> Great. Here he goes again, more mellowdrama.

[Mag'har 2]: Think if we tell him the greatmother died and watch his reaction, it'll be good enough to make up for the fact that he'll probably reconfigure our heads after he finds out we were lying?

[Mag'har 1]: He'll probably cry his own head off because we made fun of him. <both orcs laugh and continue jabbering, enter Thrall stage left> [Thrall]: FEAR NOT, MAG'HARI ! Thrall, son of Durotan, has returned to his people! Surely you are all hard at work defending our precious homeland... and...

</e looks between the two grunts.> What in the name of Rend Blackhand's severed head is going on here? Why are you all not ...valiantly and proudly defending our people from the demons?

[Mag'har 1]: Oh. We're um...we're on holiday.

[Mag'har 2]: We are? <#1 nudges him> Oh, right. Yeah, this is our day off. Hellscream's orders.

[Thrall]: Hellscream? Ah! You must mean the one of Grom's proud and noble line! Tell me...is he a noble, <Garrosh picks his nose> And Strong,.. <Garrosh sucks his thumb loudly> And a proud warrior who stands FEARLESSLY and defiantly against the demonic lords of the world just as Grommash did? <Garrosh scratches his butt>

[Mag'har 1]: Well, you have the defiant part down. Defiant to you, defiant to me. [Thrall]: And... And what about the demons?

[Mag'har 2]: The demons? Hrm. <he faces Mag'har 1 and shrugs> I haven't even seen him come face to face with any demons lately, have you?

[Mag'har 1]: I think he spat in one's eye just last week! Wait, no no, that was Elder Grapuul. He also ran him through - I have the head in my room along with a necklace made from his entrails if you wanna see.

[Thrall]: Ahhh no.... no-Ha ha thank you. That won't be needed! I would much rather speak to brave Hellscream. So please...keep all that to yourself.

[Mag'har 1]: You sure? The entrail necklace is far more interesting. If you listen closely, you can still hear the demon screaming "PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THAT!".

</e grows tired of this> [Thrall]: Look. Can you point me to PROUD and NOBLE Hellscream or not? <both Mag'har shrug and point at Garrosh>

<Thrall leaves their company and the two walk away snickering> [Mag'har 2]: <to Mag'har 1> Did you really save the entrails?

[Mag'har 1]: Of course! Wait, you don't? <Thrall waits as the two leave, and then turns to the moping Garrosh>

[Thrall]: Young Hellscream, the Warchief of the Horde... stands before you. Surely you know of our presence here in Garadar.

[Garrosh]: Leave me alone! I'm busy suckling my thumb. I was suckling on the right one earlier, but it became swollen, so I'm working on the other one.

[Thrall]: That's... </e scratches the side of his beard.> -fascinating. So you're Grom's boy...

[Garrosh]: <stands up and becomes completely over the top, irrationally angry> DO NOT DARE MENTION MY FATHER'S NAME! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM SO MUCH I COULD... I COULD... <Garrosh breaks down for about 30 seconds crying, throwing a fit - add chosen creative styles of improv here, ending with him sitting with his back turned to the audience and crying more, Thrall moving in to place a hand on his shoulder> [Thrall]: There there. You uh...you want a nap?

[Garrosh]: Uh-uh.

[Thrall]: You...want a snaaack?

[Garrosh]: No. </e perks up. Idea!>

[Thrall]: Yooou want a belly rub?

[Garrosh]: <abruptly> What?

[Thrall]: NOTHING! Nothing at all. Juuuust going through a list of things I do to get my worg to calm down! Good ol' snack , nap and belly rub...Uh Alright look, the run-time for this production isn't going to let us run this gag forever so HERE YOU GO! BEHOLD!

A VISION OF THE FIGHT BETWEEN YOUR FATHER, GROMMASH HELLSCREAM, AND THE DEMON LORD MANNOROTH!

<Both Garrosh and Thrall's actors pretend he is watching Grom gut Mannoroth pausing for a few seconds between lines> [Garrosh]: WOW!

[Thrall]: Yeah!

[Garrosh]: Sheesh!

[Thrall]: I know, right?

[Garrosh]: That's a lot of blood!

[Thrall:] So you see young Hellscream... your father, Grommash Hellscream, was not a disgrace like you thought. He was a hero to our people, because he gave his -life- to undo the curse that bound our rage.

[Garrosh]: Forget that, he's not a disgrace because he made that Pit Lord axeplode!

[Thrall]: He did the what now.

[Garrosh]: Didn't you see it? It exploded into fel sparks or whatever after it dumped about fifty gallons of blood! It's right there, rewind it!

[Thrall]: Oookay.. </e puts his hand out and starts to spin it. Que rewinding noises as he sifts through the vision like a tape.> [Thrall]: Right there?

[Garrosh]: Yeah, now pause!

[Thrall]: I do not really think the Ancestors would approve this abuse of of-

[Garrosh]: <VERY ANGRILY> I said PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUSE!

[Thrall]: </ exhales.> Alright, fine. FINE! You whiny little little son of a...-there.- </e opens his hand, palm out. Symbolizing that he has stopped or “paused” the vision.>

[Garrosh]: Ooohoo..yeah. That's the stuff. Look at all that gore. I think I see a chunk of his liver flying off to the side.

[Thrall]: Actually, I think that might be his glubok....

[Garrosh]: What's a glubock?

[Thrall]: You're out here fighting demons and know nothing about their anatomy? Look, right there. That is his plumbos, and that right there is well-...ah ha you'll know when you're older.

[Garrosh]: Think you can copy this to a powder or something so I can watch it anytime I want?

[Thrall]: <insert lightning effect – Akunda's firesticks behind the actor works> ENOUGH! Hellscream, join my Horde! Fight alongside me, and together, we will make a prosperous future for our people!

[Garrosh]: And then can I have a copy?

[Thrall]: <facepalms> Why do I get the feeling I invited a baboon to hold a high rank over my people? <The Narrator pipes in> [Narrator]: And so it was that Garrosh, son of Grom, wiffer of bad odors and obsessive compulsive gore fanatic, joined the Horde. Before long, Garrosh had been introduced to the tauren, orcs, trolls, elves, and undead that made up the Horde at the time. But to what avail did introducing a warrior based on his lineage into the ranks of the Horde lead? While this narrator questions the decision, we ALL know he was just so amazing in Northrend. <Enter Saurfang and Garrosh, both reading maps> [Saurfang]: Alright, you remember the plan, right?

[Garrosh]: Yeah.

[Saurfang]: And you're going to stick to it this time, right?

[Garrosh]: Mhm.

[Saurfang]: No more of that funny business from earlier?

[Garrosh]: Not even.

[Saurfang]: <sighs heavily> Alright. Maps closed. <Saurfang closes his map, Garrosh keeps his open>

[Saurfang]: Closed!

[Garrosh]: Oh, uh, right. <closes his map> Alright, so I understand the plan, and I know what my part in it is. But just in case, I'll need you to go over the entire thing again. Just so we're clear.

[Saurfang]: Thrall's balls, you're dense! Look at your map again. <both orcs open their maps simutaniously> [Saurfang]: <points to a certain location on the map> See this? That's the Trail of Bones, Southern Icecrown. Our plan is to send our flank in through there, but have the extra forces move along the path to the East while we engage the enemy.

[Garrosh]: Right.

[Saurfang]: Once the others have made their way fully around, we trap the enemy forces within our two units. Then we wait for reinforcements, and press further North until we reach the Saronite Gates blocking our entry into the overlook of the Storm Peaks. It will be an ideal spot to set up an encampment until Orgrim's Hammer is flown into Icecrown and-- ...are you paying any attention to this at all?

[Garrosh]: <pauses for a few moments> Ye--....yes. But the mountains you speak of are all to the South.

[Saurfang]: <Grabs the map, turns it around> Now?

[Garrosh]: <pauses for a few moments again> Hrm. Seems to be in order. But just in case, can you repeat that ONE more time?

[Saurfang]: <spits and crumbles his map up> I can't do this anymore. I have better battle strategies with my axe than I do with him... <exits>

[Garrosh]: <chases after him> Wait! Old one, let us discuss this over a meal of hearty pork! Wait, no no, you don't like pork. I mean ham! Ham is what I meant! <as both orcs exit, the narrator returns to the stage> [Narrator]: Yes, the war in Northrend was handled quite well by our “handsome”, “completely competent leader.” Why, it only cost the lives of several thousand young orcs, who saw him as a hero afterward. When the time came for Thrall to step down as Warchief and answer the call of the elements, he called together his greatest minds and leaders... ...To decide who should become warchief in his stead.

[Thrall]: Fate... is truly unkind, as I must now venture to hone my mastery of the elements... In my stead, however, who shall lead our people? I am ….. Conflicted.

[Garrosh]: <jumping up and down> Oh, me! Me! Pick me!

[Thrall]: Should any of you desire this very important, critical task of the Warchief's mantle, you should be capable for the task.

[Garrosh]: Pick me! Over here!

[Thrall]: Anyone? Saurfang! I thought I saw your hand up. No? How about...Ah! What about you Sylvanas?

[Sylvanas]: I'd rather chop my arms off.

[Thrall:] Okay then, I could do without the passive aggressiveness.

[Garrosh]: OVER HERE!

[Thrall]: Wellll... if no one wants it, I'll give it to Gamon! He'll save us!

[Gamon]: Actually, Gamon wishes to abstain from this discussion. Gamon isn't even sure why Gamon is here.

[Garrosh]: <Throws something at Thrall – Happy Fun Rock, Pigskin, etc. > PICK! ME!

[Thrall]: Pfgh-Alright, fine. Garrosh, do -YOU- want the mantle?

[Garrosh]: YES! <pauses> Wait, no no, I'm not worthy.

[Thrall]: <Sighs deeply> Okay... Then who else will take this--

[Garrosh]: WAIT! I change my mind!

[Thrall]: Very well ! Garrosh. Come forth and recieve--

[Garrosh]: <turns away dramatically> No, change my mind once again.

[Thrall]: By my Doomhammer, Garrosh! You're not a damn cat, are you in or out?

[Garrosh]: <pauses> I'm in. <turns to Thrall, everyone cheers> No, no wait, I'm out. <turns away, everyone facepalms/cries/etc.>

[Thrall]: Heeey Garrosh! Lookie lookie what I goooot! </e slowly pulls out the Gorehowl. From where? Who cares! He's a shaman.> Seeee it? Waaaant it? Gotta haaave it?

[Garrosh]: OOH! The axe that makes demons axe-plode!

[Thrall]: Your...your father's axe, actually. I figured this would have some significant meaning to you or something...you know..

[Garrosh]: Forget that, I have me a brand new axe! <pushes Thrall away> I'm so happy with this thing, I feel like I can Warchief now! In fact, from this day forward, I am the new Warchief of the Horde! </e looks to the others and shrugs.>

[Thrall]: Well ! Fine by me. Who wants a round of cherry grog before I leave for Nagrand? My treat. <they all leave except for Garrosh, who is flexing>

[Garrosh]: Cherry grog? OOOH! ME ME! PICK ME! <runs after them> <the narrator returns to the stage> [Narrator]: Yes, the taverns were lively that day as word of our new hero and guardian, Garrosh Hellscream, spread like wildfire on a tauren's back. No offense to any tauren in our audience, of course. In the months to follow, a great cataclysm shook the foundation of Azeroth. Cities crumbled, livestock died, and the barrens turned into a great place for a weenie roast. Garrosh Hellscream was amidst rebuilding Orgrimmar one day when he was confronted by a most difficult decision. <enter Garrosh and Vol'jin, Garrosh looking at some papers> [Garrosh]: ...I still can't read this damn map. How is that mountain up North?

[Vol'jin]: Ey mon, you said you be needin' old Vol'jin? To what end?

[Garrosh]: Oh, yeah, you. See, you know how your people are all over my city, eating my food and buying my materials off of my auction house to make their magic carpets and mechano-hogs? <Garrosh spits off to the side> [Vol'jin]: Yours? Who da hell you tink you are?

[Garrosh]: Your mother, now listen. See, that's gonna stop. Cuz I mean, it's really hard for me to run the Horde when I go to the local bar and the last of the Cherry Grog is bought out by one of your random lackeys.

Were it a tauren? Maybe I'd let it slide a bit. An orc? You bet your ass I'd let it slide. But you trolls, you...

<Garrosh turns his back and Vol'jin approaches him seemingly holding back his anger and gesturing threateningly at him, stopping when Garrosh turns around to face him after angry gestures are made> [Vol'jin]: ...we're what? Get on wit it, you speak slowa dan you look. <Garrosh turns his back again and starts rambling. As he speaks, Vol'jin begins to make taunting gestures while he is turned> [Garrosh]: ...hrm. You know, I never gave it any thought, really. You're...all a bunch...of...people...with... <he turns around and Vol'jin stops the taunting and smiles, then turns again, Vol'jin doing a number of other taunting gestures - go big or go home!> [Garrosh]: ...with blue skin and...tusks? No, that's not what bugs me. You trolls are...

[Garrosh]: So... <rinse and repeat> [Garrosh]: Uh... <And again> [Garrosh]: TWO-TOED! Yeah, you only have two toes on every foot, haha!

[Vol'jin]: And you only have two brain cells on your feet - make o'dat what you will.

[Garrosh]: <gets threatening> WHY YOU INSOLENT--

[Vol'jin]: Define eet.

[Garrosh]: Wait, what?

[Vol'jin]: De word you jus used, mon. Define 'insolent' since you like usin' it.

[Garrosh]: Don't be absurd, I'm the Warchief, of course I know what insolence is! It's what YOU'RE being right now!

[Vol'jin]: Yes, but what does eet mean? Explain to me, mah toes an' I just ain't as smart as de Warchief.

[Garrosh]: It...um...GUARD, BRING ME A DICKENER...er...DICTIONARY! <A Kor'kron comes in, kneeling before Garrosh and handing him a book>

[Garrosh]: <flips through the pages> Let's see...here it is! A pep...tide hormone produced by cells of the pancreas and is central to regulating...carboh...hydr...

THIS IS A GOBLIN MEDICAL DICKENER! UNACCEPTABLE! I'll burn you at the stake later! <the Kor'kron runs away crying> [Vol'jin]: Know dis, Garrosh. De way you runnin' da Horde? You gonna fall hard. You gonna fall fast. An' when you fall, it gonna hurt dat small head o' yours. And...something about a black arrow piercing your heart or...I dunno, what was I talkin' about?

[Garrosh]: Insulin?

[Vol'jin]: Oh, right, de meanin' o' dat word by de way is 'rude or disrespectful behavia'. See ya lata, mon.

<Vol'jin leaves> [Garrosh]: That was my SECOND guess! <Garrosh walks away, and the Narrator arrives once more on stage>

[Narrator]: In time, the Forsaken Warfront had gained a considerable advantage over the forces of Gilneas. Lady Sylvanas had a solution for the plight of her people so Garrosh came to give that plan a goooood once over... <Enter Garrosh and Sylvanas> [Garrosh]: This better be important, Sylvanas! I'm missing my goblin soaps for this-- I mean...I'm missing the chance to crush Alliance skulls between my thighs! <Garrosh flexes and Sylvanas facepalms> [Sylvanas]: Actually, I'm just here to tell you I found a solution to the Forsaken's plight, as the narrator just said. See, the Forsaken, being undead, are without the ability to reproduce, so to replenish our numbers, I--

[Garrosh]: <gets uncomfortably close to Sylvanas> I ever tell you about the time I skinned a boar with my teeth?

[Sylvanas]: ...no. I don't particularly care to hear the story either. Now as I was saying, I--

<Garrosh begins flexing as Sylvanas begins speaking and she rolls her eyes and waits for him to stop (flex three times facing different angles> [Garrosh]: Yeeeep, takes a lot of work to keep the guns in shape. Diet and exercise, and I drink plenty of juice. And if the bar ain't bending, you're just pretending. Yeeeep. [Sylvanas]: I'm sure you do all of that and more while you're listening to your radio romance dramas. Now focus on the task at hand.

[Garrosh]: You like Cherry Grog, Sylvanas? <he gets uncomfortably close again and flexes>

[Sylvanas]: I don't care to answer that. Anyway, my newly employed Valk'yr can raise the--

[Garrosh]: You...uh... ever seen a grown orc naked before, Sylvanas?

[Sylvanas]: What?!

[Garrosh]: I...said...you have that bone pork crated, Sylvanas?

[Sylvanas]: Can you focus for more than five fractions of a second? I'm trying to tell you how I plan to bolster my forces and combat the worgen packs of Gilneas!

[Garrosh]: Oh. I see how it is. <Garrosh walks away> You disappoint me, Sylvanas. You can have the alpha, yet you keep chasing the betas of the pack. Literally!

[Sylvanas]: Warchief, are you implying that I have some sick personal obsession with the enemy aside from unleashing a wholesale slaughter?

[Garrosh]: CLEVER Bitch I MIGHT be! You're grounded, no Blight!

[Sylvanas]: You're an imbecile!

[Garrosh]: And you smell! <he pauses and sniffs his pits> No, wait, that's me. I haven't bathed in at least a week. I'll go do that now. <he leaves, but pauses halfway>

[Garrosh]: ...nah, I'll do it next week. <Garrosh and Sylvanas exit the stage, and the Narrator arrives> [Narrator]: With Garrosh largely responsible for the death of the loved Cairne Bloodhoof, many of the tauren went from being only politely and slightly disgruntled with the new Warchief to actually ...frowning at him for a change. Maybe even glaring at him! However...Baine Bloodhoof, son of Cairne, took the gentle people's anger into his own hands one day... <enter Baine and Garrosh>

[Baine]: Garrosh! We must speak at once!

[Garrosh]: Go away, lunch isn't for another three hours and I'm sick of steak.

[Baine]: <points at Garrosh> No, no more 'beef' or 'steak' jokes. I get enough of those from the idle elves that come to complete tasks I give out in order to gain favor enough with my people to purchase noble kodo... ...that they will probably leave in a stable and not feed or take care of for months on end! I tolerated your actions against my father because he agreed to your terms of mortal combat, and you at least helped rid the bluff of the traitorous Grimtotem!

<Sylvanas enters from stage left and waves at the audience, points to Garrosh, and faces the audience and nods, then snickers, inching closer to Garrosh every time Baine speaks. Garrosh is none the wiser and continues to face Baine. Vol'jin is also there, snickering and giving a thumbs up to Sylvanas, emotively encouraging her to pull the prank> [Baine]: <nods at Sylvanas and clears his throat> Where was I? Oh, yes. I found THIS...on my doorstep! <Baine tosses a smouldering satchel of a foul smelling substance at Garrosh's feet> [Baine]: Explain why this sack of worg fecal matter was burning at my doorstep this morning!

[Garrosh]: What? That? I didn't do it.

[Baine]: <shows Garrosh a letter> This has "From Garrosh" written on the front of it.

[Garrosh]: That could be anyone!

[Baine]: It has your complete set of dental records and the phrase "It was totally 'm'" written inside.

[Garrosh]: Damn, I ALWAYS forget the 'e' in 'me'.

[Baine]: Aha! So you admit to this atrocity!

[Garrosh]: Admit to...? Oh, oh that, yes. Well, you see, I had to send the message to you that your people smell like burning shit somehow. Or... <he sniffs himself and shivers>

[Garrosh]: ...I still haven't taken that shower. Nevermind, but my statement still stands. <Sylvanas gently pins a sign on Garrosh's back, snickers, and runs away> [Baine]: Know this, Garrosh. The day will come when you will answer for this attrocity. And when that happens, I will be sure to have a steaming sack of kodo leavings to set ablaze with the fury of the ancestors! <he begins to walk away> Oh, and Cherry Grog tastes AWFUL! There, I said it!

[Garrosh]: <goes into a fury> YOU TAKE THAT BACK! YOU TAKE THAT RIGHT THE HELL BACK! Tauren! I'm talking to you! I'm--wait, what's this on my back? <Garrosh rips the sign off as Baine exits stage right and reads it> [Garrosh]: "Kick me, I'm an ogre headed bafoon"? What? Hrm, there's something written on the back. 'PS: Vol'jin says 'hi'. What? <Garrosh suddenly gets hit by an arrow in the back, and yanks it out, unraveling a note tied to it>

[Garrosh]: "I mean 'die', the 'h' was just a 'd' and 'i' that came out wrong." What the Thok? WHO IS SENDING THESE?! <Garrosh gets hit by another arrow to the knee and yanks it out, unraveling the note on that arrow>

[Garrosh]: ..."Your mother"? MOM! Why would you do this?!?

[Narrator]: Many moons have passed and soon the war in Pandaria was in full swing. It was the morning of Garrosh's greatest ah... “Triumph”, to him at least. In what was once a tranquil place, he arrives in The Vale of Eternal Blossoms, and sought to command powers greater than he could even possibly comprehend in that brain of his. This backfired quite a bit on him when confronted by Pandaria's most “happening” guardian.

[Garrosh]: Storm~! Black clouds fill the sky, Earth, I hear my battle cry, Fire! And thunder will bring forth DEATH from the power of MY HORDE!~ Hahaha--eh?

[Taran Zhu]: ENOUGH! You have been allowed to cause havok for far too long, Hellscream!

[Garrosh]: Eh? Oh great, not another fat guy.

[Taran Zhu]: I am Taran Zhu, lord of the Shado-Pan! I have observed your Horde since your people first brought havoc to my land and--

<pauses as Garrosh pulls out a pot labeled 'Hunny'> What...just...what are you doing?

[Garrosh]: You're a bear, aren't you? Here, I'll give you this if you let me pass by.

[Taran Zhu]: ... <throws a shuriken at the pot and breaks it> I have no patience for your inferior mind games, Hellscream!

[Garrosh]: <in a fury> YOU WRETCH! Do you realize how expensive honey is?! That does it, now you're in for it!

[Taran Zhu]: <takes a battle-ready stance> Indeed. Let us end this once and for all, no more formalities... <Garrosh narrows his eyes, then snaps his fingers>

[Garrosh]: HIT IT! <A 'chill beat' begins to play> [Taran Zhu]: What the--

[Garrosh]: Hellscream's the name, I ain't playing your game! You better give up now, but it's all the same! You'll be dead when I bust my Warchief rhymes for you, and when I'm done Gorehowl will split you up in two! You're a Shado-Pan? Big deal there buddy, I've got three frying pans in the kitchen, see! I'm a Warchef - I mean a Warchief, sorry. Been playing with that gag too much and now my mind's all tarry. [Taran Zhu]: <While Hellscream is still rapping, no pause> Tarry?

[Garrosh]: But I'm still fifty times the rhymes you are! I brought the Heart of Y'saarj up here, you can't get that far! You're too fat, it ain't muscle, don't you go lying - cuz if the bar ain't bendin' you ain't even trying!

I'm the son of Grom, you aren't on my list - the most I know about you is that you made me pissed! So give it a try and then you die, at that hands of Hellscream, I'll make you cry. <Taran Zhu blinks and awkwardly picks up the microphone that Garrosh drops at his feet>

[Taran Zhu]: I...am...unfamiliar with how this game is played, but I'll...best you at it, pay you back in spades! I am calm as a crane, the Shado-Pan my flock. Hardy as steel, earth and rock! You know so little about the powers you tempt, and so from my mercy you will be exempt! The Thunder King's forces could not stop me at all, so your divided Horde will surely fall! Like a snake in the grass I'll strike unseen, and kick your donkey - wait, ass, oh YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! None have survived a true battle with me, between my skill and cunning and mastery of chi!

Your father tempted powers beyond reckoning as well, where is he? Oh right, suckling the dirt on your family tree! <Taran Zhu drops the mic in an epic fashion, Garrosh standing speechless'>

[Garrosh]: You take that back! You...take that back! That was mean! <Garrosh begins to cry> Too far! You always have to take things too far, you're freaking mental!

[Taran Zhu]: Uh...so I win? Yes, of course I win! <gets serious again> Ahem, I knew that. Hellscream, now that I have bested you at your own game, you will answer for your crimes and... ...would you please... get off the ground and at least take this seriously? No, I would feel awful about hurting a completely vulnerable opponent, even if you are an asshole.

[Garrosh]: <begins to suck his thumb again> No YOU'RE an asshole, asshole! So mean! I think I'm just gonna lie down here now. <Taran Zhu scratches the back of his head> [Taran Zhu]: You uh...have a spider on your shoulder.

[Garrosh]: <jumps> AHHH! WHERE?! WHAT KIND?!

[Taran Zhu]: <gets in a sneak attack> IT'S A TARANZHULA! <knocks Hellscream off the stage> There. I knew he was faking it...

< begins to walk off stage, stops, then picks up the mic he dropped earlier and shrugs >

My name is Taran Zhu, and I'm here to say...oh forget it, this is TOO absurd. <tosses the mic behind him into the fountain> <the Narrator returns to the stage>

[Narrator]: Yes...Hellscream, truly, has left an everlasting impression upon the Horde one so great that during those events on the Isle of Thunder, a revolution was established. On the day of his final downfall, Garrosh stood before Thrall one final time in defiance.....

[Thrall]: Garrosh...you disappointed me.

[Garrosh]: What?

[Thrall]: You tortured the elements. You divided our people. You disgraced the Horde with your …-warmongering-!

[Garrosh]: Hey, in my defense, people LIKED the warmongering!

[Thrall]: Wha-?

[Garrosh]: Yeah! I mean, it got us land. Resources. We didn't have as many territory issues. I fed our people who were starving in the desert. I mean, yeah, the trolls were kind of oppressed, but they only have two toes so who cares?

[Thrall]: ME!! I CARE! </e points to HIMSELF>

[Garrosh]: Well what are you gonna do about it? You MADE me warchief after all. I mean, this whole thing is your fault.

[Thrall]: Y- Wait, what?

[Garrosh]: Yeah, I mean...I'm not perfect, but I did the job you gave me.

<Sylvanas, Vol'jin, and Taran Zhu approach from the side stage>

[Sylvanas]: He's got a point, Thrall.

[Vol'jin]: Ya, joo kinda dropped de ball on dat one.

[Thrall]: Now hold on a minute-!

[Garrosh]: I mean, if you hadn't made me Warchief, things would have been a bit different. I'd probably still be an obedient dog in your army instead of where I am now.

[Taran Zhu]: So it is all clear now. YOU are the problem, Thrall!

[Thrall]: Are you all listening to yourselves- WAIT-!

[Garrosh]: Yeah, it's totally him! Now uh...I'm just gonna go get some snacks for everyone so, wait right here and--<tries to tiptoe away>

[Sylvanas]: GET THEM BOTH! <all three begin to chase Thrall and Garrosh around the stage. One lap around the pavilion and then one through the audience.>

[Thrall]: Aaaaaaah! THE END, I GUESS?! <END>

TRIVIA!

Hellsqueal was the very first major production ever produced and publicly performed by the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe. It was written by Atos Sunhart as a propaganda play for the troupes of Vol’jin’s Revolution, and premiered originally in October of 2013, during the week the final wing of Siege of Orgrimmar LFR opened! The final scene was intended to be comically prophetic, as there was a lot of talk about server canon at the time that the Siege was still technically going on.

The original run of Hellsqueal, the True Warchief’s Tale was performed at the Razor Hill Barracks, and by a cast of no more than 4 people, all playing multiple roles at a time. It was written so that it could be done by a relatively small cast, with enough roles to suffice for a larger cast if need be.

Our original Sylvanas was played by a pandaren. Just a fun tidbit.

Hellsqueal, the True Warchief’s Tale, has spawned two sequels, and the Hellsqueal character himself has appeared in several other plays of ours since. Moving forward we still plan to use the character from time to time.

By the time the play was performed, the Troupe was already a formed guild for over two years. However, recruitment for it had not started until two months leading up to the play’s release. As this was our first performance as a functioning guild, Hellsqueal marked the true birth of the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe, and as such we have celebrated our anniversary on the third Friday of every October since.

There is a missing scene that was added to the play during our second year of performing. In this scene, Lorthemar confronted Garrosh about his horrible spelling errors, and how he wrote his occupation down as ‘Warchef’. This scene also involved a hozen doctor named Dr. Ook-and-Pook. This scene is missing because, well, no one can find the copy of the script anymore with said scene written. Another scene involving Gallywix was worked on, but never finished, as we believed it would bloat the runtime far too much.

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thetirisfaltheatretroupe · 5 years

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[Script Archive] Hellthreequel: The Third One

<<The following is a play that has been retired from the Tirisfal Theatre’s library, and will only reoccur for private events for the foreseeable future. This script has been placed here so that those who enjoyed the play or wish to perform it themselves may do so. Credit for this comedic performance goes to the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe>>

<CAST: Garrosh Hellscream, Wrathion, Kairozdormu, Grom Hellscream, Kargath Bladefist, Durotan, Blackhand, Ner’zhul, Kil’rogg Deadeye, Gul'dan, Mar’gok’s Emissary>

[Thrall]: Hellscream… <he shakes his head.> If ever there was a greater mistake for a Warchief, I cannot possibly think of it.

He escaped justice in Pandaria and fled to an alternate reality, where he was eventually found building an army from the Horde of the past in a land my people.. thought they would never see again.

Yet.. was it fate, I wonder, that brought him down before this army could do any real damage?

Or was it just that they were all so very -stupid-?

Ladies and gentlemen, the final chapter in the Hellsqueal trilogy: Hellthreequel: The Third One! Enjoy!

<The scene opens with Garrosh and Kairoz arriving in a ‘flash of light’ to Nagrand’> <NOTE: Invisibility potion before entering the stage, get in position, and as soon as said ‘flash’ effect happens, cancel the invisibility buff and begin> [Wrathion]: BEHOLD! What our discoveries upon the Timeless Isle have yielded! Through the chaos of the twisting nether, we have warped time and space itself, and created a branch on the tree of time that bore fruit! This fruit…DRAENOR! Uncorrupted. Untainted! Ripe with a powerful race of orcish legends to face off against the Burning Legion itself! [Garrosh]: <scratches his head> Wait a sec, who the Thok are you?

[Wrathion]: Why, I am the one who DOUBTLESSLY crafted this ingenious plan to spirit you away to this alternate timeline! Son of Deathwing and SAVIOR of Azeroth!

Your military charisma will sow the seeds of a grand new Horde! One that will surely be strong enough to square off against the Burning Legion!

[Garrosh]: …so we’re planting a garden? [Kairoz]: <turns to Wrathion> I hate you so very, very much for this. [Wrathion]: Oh what, you think you could come up with a better plan? [Kairoz]: Actually, yeah. I do. Because you’re incompetent. And he’s incompetent. [Garrosh]: Actually, I’m just hungry. This wobbly wibbly wimey timey stuff is murder on the old gut – got anything to eat? Not big on fruit.

[Wrathion]: Look, maybe Garrosh has a point here, Kairoz. Perhaps we are all simply…hungry.

Yes. I’ll go and get us something to eat, then we can discuss our plan over our meal and a game of charades. Won’t that be FUN? [Kairoz]: It’s really difficult to take the son of Deathwing the Destroyer seriously when your voice cracks that high. [Wrathion]: I’ll just…<points off stage> Go grab us some sandwiches or something… You two have at it for a bit. <walks off stage, sulking> [Kairoz]: <turns to Garrosh> Alright, punk. Listen up. You’re obviously an idiot and a blow hard who can’t be reasoned with. But I need you to throw a wrench into Wrathion’s plan. [Garrosh]: Well, I mean…I guess I could. Only problem is uh…

[Kairoz]: <raises an eyebrow> Well? What seems to be your malfunction, Hellsqueek?

[Garrosh]: Hey, that’s Hellsqueal…I mean Scream! [Kairoz]: And that’s the title drop.

[Garrosh]: Whoa whoa, leave the fourth wall alone! It’s been through enough! [Kairoz]: Answer my question already. What is your issue with me? [Garrosh]: </rudes> Well, I just don’t like your FACE! [Kairoz]: The feeling is mutual, Hellmoan. But I have an idea that I think will work out better than Wrathion’s. Best part is, it’s something even you can’t screw up, BECAUSE it involves you screwing up! Would you be interested? [Garrosh]: Hrm…screwing things up IS what I do best. And momma Hellscream always told me to stick to what you know. What the Thok, I’ll do it!

[Kairoz]: Grand. All you need to do, is deliver a very important message to your father, Grom Hellscream. I-- [Garrosh]: My father? <sobs> MY FATHER IS DEEEEAD! WAH HAH HAH! [Kairoz]: No, no he’s not. Not in this era. [Garrosh]: Wait, huh? Daddy lives?! OH! OH THAT’S GREAT!

We’re gonna go fishing, kick a few gnomes off of cliffs, we’re gonna go Mechano-hog riding, and then we can go to the Darkmoon Faire and ride the little sandbox tigers together! Ooooh, oh oh and camp the Darkmoon Deathmatch too! Oh this is gonna be a great day! [Kairoz]: No no, listen. You need to tell him that everyone on the other side of the Dark Portal is in cahoots with the Burning Legion.

[Garrosh]: Wait, so you’re telling me to tell my dad, who in this era is still a primitive orc from a time when we were neck deep in superstition and so easily fell for the Burning Legion’s lies that the entirety of Azeroth is the demons…

..thus throwing both worlds into an inter-dimensional and inter-space time conflict that could result in...

...thousands of pointless deaths on both sides, repeat the same shit that corrupted my people in the first place, and paint my father once more as a villain in the eyes of history? [Kairoz]: Um… well…yes. Actually. <clears his throat>

That was astonishingly well phrased, Hellmumble.

[Garrosh]: What was well phrased? [Kairoz]: What you just said. [Garrosh]: What did I just say? [Kairoz]: That…that bit about how you telling your father that they are agents of the legion is-- [Garrosh]: <breaks into sobs> DADDY IS DEEEEEAD! Wahaha! [Kairoz]: <sighs heavily> Look, we’re going full circle again. Are you in, or are you out? [Garrosh]: <sniffs and dries his tears> I’m in. [Kairoz]: Good, good. Then remember that no matter what Wrathion says, you’re still to-- [Garrosh]: <turns away> On second thought, I’m out. [Kairoz]: …okay then, perhaps you’d rather-- [Garrosh]: Nevermind, definitely in. <nods> [Kairoz]: Dammit, Garrosh, you’re not a freakin’ cat. [Garrosh]: Fine, fine. I’ll go along with your plan, Kel’thuzad. [Kairoz]: It’s…Kairoz. Kairozdormu. How did you get Kel’thuzad out of―nevermind. Alright, let’s shake on it. Put ‘er there. <holds out his hand> [Garrosh] Okay! <slams his axe into Kairoz’s chest> Oooh! OH! Oops, sorry, I thought you meant―ohhhh… [Kairoz]: You…freaking…nimrod… [Garrosh]: Oh sheesh, that’s a lot of blood. Oh um… Better uh…get out of here before that Wrathion kid comes back. Um…so yeah, we’ve got a deal and uh…take care of yourself. I gotta split.

[Kairoz]: UGggh…

[Garrosh]: UM! I MEAN! I have to cut this short―

[Kairoz]: Aggh…

[Garrosh]: WAIT NO! Let me just get to it, chop-chop-- [Kairoz]: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE TO DIE! PLEASE! NO MORE PUNS! [Garrosh]: Sheesh, no wonder they axed your character so early. Alright, time to go get a slice of vengeance. <exits the stage> [Kairoz]: In my dying moments…what have I unleashed upon the universe? Am I but a cogwheel in the mechanisms of time, forever obscured and greyed upon the golden backdrop? Or did I serve as the spark that lit the flame? Time will tell. Time. Will. Tell. <dies> <Wrathion enters the stage with 2 hoagies in his hand> [Wrathion]: Alright, I was out of tuna, but I did manage some extra Elwynn ham while we were packing the picnic basket. Nothing says teamwork like a team lunch and― <he spots Kairoz’s corpse and drops the sandwiches> By my father’s monolithic chin! What the Thok happened here?!? <he looks side to side, shrugs, and stuffs Kairoz’s corpse in some bushes> Better get out of here, I am NOT going to be taking the fall for this one! <sneaks off stage> <END SCENE>

[Thrall]: Wrathion was never found. At least, I think.

Garrosh found himself in a strange and yet familiar world, where Draenor was whole, and yet nothing seemed the same as it were.

Thinking himself above Kairozdormu’s plans, he located the Warsong Clan, after stumbling stupidly in the wilderness for some time.

His… sense of direction was never the best... You could put him in a room and tell him to move forward and he'd probably fall straight into the ground instead.

Soon, he stood before Grommash Hellscream, the Chieftan of the Warsong Clan, and..

His own father. However, as he would soon learn, the strangest thing about this world..

Was yet to be revealed. <Thrall leaves. Next scene opens with Garrosh kneeling before Grom> [Garrosh]: Wha…huh? Where am I? I feel like we’re missing some context here. [Grom]: Well, stranger, to better explain your current situation, you um… kind of happened to burst into my Warsong War Tent, screaming something about your father, then you collapsed, woke up, and repeated the cycle. Twice. [Garrosh]: Huh? OH! Oh wait wait, Warsong? I’M Warsong! We’re totally like…family or something! [Grom]: Uh..wait, hold on a moment. I need to get my glasses. [Garrosh]: Glasses? [Grom]: Mhm. One moment. <Grom reaches into his loincloth and puts a monocle on>

There we are. Now I can see you perfectly. Ah, you have the markings of the Warsong upon you. That’s uh…very good. Very, very good. Now we can spare a few expenses with the cleanup since we don’t have to eviscerate you. <Grom turns and waves off stage> False alarm, boys. You can uh…put the mops away. <he returns his focus to Garrosh> Anyway, you’re no Warsong I’ve ever seen. Hrm. Hope you, ahem, have a good reason for being here. [Garrosh]: <rises> Hrm…uh…oh, I had something tell you. It was kind of important. OH! Right! Demons! [Grom]: Care to be a little more specific there? [Garrosh]: Yeah uh…demons and uh. Something about blood, and a really bad drink.

And then there’s this portal that…things come out of. Oh, and there’s this awesome planet called Azeroth that has like tons of resources and stuff you can take to empower the clans to fight against the demons. [Grom]: Hum. I can uh…tell you’re not exactly the…brightest of individuals, but let me see if I can piece together your story.

You’re telling me that there is another world inhabited by demons or demon associates, rich with resources and land, and to unite the clans in order to seize control of this world for the betterment of our people…

…and prepare for the possibility of an invasion from said demons? [Garrosh]: …wait is that what I said? [Grom]: And a bad drink. Well, Gul’dan did send me a missive about some kind of destiny earlier, perhaps that has something to do with him. We’ll deal with that later. Seems like we’ve got a bit of work to do. [Garrosh]: We do? [Grom]: You’re ...kind of a boneheaded little guy, aren’t you? If what you’re saying is true, and considering the chain of events that have unfolded recently, I’d say it’s time indeed to unite the clans.

I uh…have a job for you if you’re willing. [Garrosh]: <throws his hands in the air> Why does everyone want me to do jobs for them? Huh? What ever happened to people getting jobs from ME? [Grom]: I promise not to berate you on your enormous jaw line if you promise to stop whining. [Garrosh]: DEAL! [Grom]: Good. Then I need you to come with me. We’re going to gather the clans, starting with the Shattered Hand. <walks off stage> [Garrosh]: <stands there and picks his nose> My jawline isn’t bad…it’s just big enough to block a few dozen arrows. [Grom]: You uh..might want to get your ass in gear. [Garrosh]: <grumbles> Coming! Sheesh, way you boss me around already you’d think you were my dad or something. <They leave, next scene starts> <The next scene begins narrated by the narrator. Grom and Garrosh approach a hut with Kargath Bladefist sitting in front of it. Thrall bows and begins narrating the scene> [Thrall]: And so it was, The grand idiot Hellscream and his father, whom he was too stupid to realize at the time was in fact his father, made their way to the home of legendary Kargath Bladefist.

Kargath was the most fierce gladiator of the Highmaul coliseum and chieftain of the Shattered Hand, a clan that was known to be...pretty savage. What Garrosh didn’t know was that this would be the beginning of a journey ridden with harsh trials, actual effort, and strange otherworldy accents. Hrm…why does that sound so familiar? <Narrator shrugs and leaves the stage> [Grom]: Alright, Garrosh. I’d like you to let me do the talking, if you don’t mind. [Garrosh]: Wait, then why did you even need me to come here? I could have been watching my goblin soaps―erm… I mean, crushing our enemies! [Grom]: That’s uh…well and good, but I need to be able to point to you when Kargath asks me who this prophet who informed me of this ‘Azeroth’ is. You understand. [Garrosh]: What’s an Azeroth? [Grom]: …I’m uh, just going to give you the benefit of the doubt and presume you hit your head as a child. [Garrosh]: Yeah, that’s probably for the best, not gonna lie. [Grom]: Hm. Well. Anyway. <turns to Kargath>

Lok’tar, chief of the fearsome Shattered Hand. I’ve come to you with dire news. Gul’dan plans to betray us at the summit. [Bladefist]: <grunts and rises to his feet, speaking in a deep, gravelly tone> Well that’s pretty Thokin’ savage of him. Just, y’know, not in the cool way.

Not surprised though, guys was always kinda a giant ogre sack. Uh…oh yeah, speaking of… who the hell is the walking phallus? <gestures to Garrosh> [Grom]: Oh, him. Uh. He’s the uh…prophet that came from another time and place to warn me of Gul’dan’s treachery. [Bladefist]: And you’re just gonna uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…roll with that, right? [Grom]: That would be the plan. Yes. [Bladefist]: <takes a deep breath> Yeaaaah I'm not gonna lie, this sounds like the kind of crap Ner’zhul would make up. Not really you, Grom, never really pegged ya for a uh… for an ordinary Grokoff like that. But hey, I’m always up to kick some ass. That’s doable. [Garrosh]: …hey uh…can I pull you aside real fast here? [Grom]: I’m kind of busy, Garrosh, can it wait?

[Garrosh]: NO! [Grom]: <sighs> One moment, Kargath. [Bladefist]: Naaah, it's whatever, not like I was doing anything with my day.

Hey, I’ll go get the rest of the guys while you deal with this giant clefthoof pile. We’ll all meet you at the Warsong place with that big ass campfire indoors, maybe dice up a coupla ogres and give it a paint job. <waves and walks off stage> [Grom]: Alright, what? [Garrosh]: So uh…not sure if you noticed. Really don’t want to alarm you but… [Grom]: But? [Garrosh]: <points in the direction Kargath walked in> That guy’s only got one arm. [Grom]: …yeah? [Garrosh]: It’s gross! In my Horde, we’d just execute the weak and injured who couldn’t fight to my standards. Well, that assumes I had standards, but…point stands. [Grom]: I uh…assure you, Garrosh, Kargath is definitely the kind of chief we would benefit from the favor of. That, and he’s a grand warrior, I can assure you. As for your ‘Horde’, well, I guess we can see why you’re here, now. There comes a time when we need to learn from our mistakes and iron them out. <turns away> Iron. Iron. Hm… Iron.

Horde. Iron Horde, okay, someone write that down. <walks off stage> [Garrosh]: <stops in his tracks> …but…it was my idea. I should get to name it. <walks after him> <Scene ends> <The next scene opens with Garrosh and Grom gathered before all the Warlords> [Bladefist]: So I went out and gathered these Grokoffs while you two were busy makin’ out or something, buncha time wasting pieces of…pieces of shit. [Grom]: Good. That should allow us to get a start on the task at hand. Garrosh, I want you to meet my fellow chieftans. You already know Kargath. [Bladefist]: Bite me, gronn scrotum. [Grom]: Over here we have Chief Blackhand. He leads the Blackrock clan. [Blackhand]: Ands I haves the most sexiests accents of any orcs. [Garrosh]: …why does he sound like that goblin I ordered pandaren food from and tipped with a booterang to the head? [Grom]: Kilrogg Deadeye, lord of the jungle and the Bleeding Hollow. [Kilrogg]: Eeh, more like lord of the deence reely, not much for lordin’ over mosquitoes and stuff. Suckin’ all the blood outta them veens of mine, really bites when yer tryin’a geet a buzz. [Grom]: Here is Durotan, lord of the frostwolf clan of Frostfire Ridge. [Durotan]: <in a REALLY high pitch voice> Ifs yous gots an ass, I’LL KICKS IT! [Garrosh]: Hey, you sound like Blackhand sorta. Cept really squeaky! Are you two brothers or something?

[Both Blackhand and Durotan]: Nos relations.

<Both of them stare at one another for a moment and blink> [Blackhand]: Stops copies mes. [Durotan]: No yous stops copies MES! [Blackhand]: You stops copies MES, you bigs boar piles! [Durotan]: Wells you knows whats they says, immitamations ams the best forms of flatteries, so I guess yous ams just beings really nices to mes. [Garrosh]: …wow. And here I thought I talked like a moron. I can forsee this getting annoying really quickly. [Grom]: Now that we’ve uh…done role call, I think now we should move on to the most important matter at hand. Gul’dan is-- [Ner'zhul]: AHEM! [Garrosh]: I think the wind just talked. [Grom]: Hrm. Oh, of course. I completely forgot. That’s Ner’zhul. Shadowmoon chieftan. Anyway, as I was say-- [Ner'zhul]: Oh thok you, sthtuck up ath-hole! I’m tha betht there ith at thhhhadow magic, so fathe it – you need me. [Garrosh]: <wipes off his face> He spat on me like three times just trying to say shadow. [Kilrogg]: Must be a new experience, meeting someone dumber’n you, eh big guy? <nudges Garrosh> [Garrosh]: Yeah, how does it feel Kargath? [Bladefist]: <grunts> Go uh…jump of a damn cliff or something, I dun really care, whatever… [Grom]: Let’s uh…remember why we’re here now. We’ve got to focus, boys. Gul’dan plans to deceive us at the summit coming up.

We need to teach him that nobody, um, pardon my language, ‘thoks’ with our people and gets away with it.

Make an example out of him. Honestly, it’s the best move, considering if we don’t, he’s likely to cause…utter panic and havoc anyway. [Ner'zhul]: Ugh…Gul’dan things he’s shoooo cool with his fancy green magic and thtuff. [Bladefist]: Yeah but uh…that shit ain’t easy to deal with. Like uh…it burns.

Pretty bad. Y’know, like…fire or something. [Blackhand]: Yeahs, excepts the fires cans actually damages me! I used to haves a full heads of hairs, then I calleds hims a rylakk's flacid you-know-whats. Then IT HURTS MES! [Durotan]: And its ams nots the best ways to cooks your boar meats. I trieds once and gots a tummys aches. I does nots recommends its, unless you likes your meats super spiced.

[Garrosh]: Oh, OH OH! I have a plan! I have a plan! [Grom]: Well, considering your insight into the future, Garrosh, I would say you have the best chance at coming up with a successful plan. I’ll uh…put my faith in you for this one. [Garrosh]: Yeah, it’s gonna be great! No no, just follow my lead, okay? Every last one! First, we build giant…

Metal…

Balls! [Bladefist]: …yeah, this plan’s already sounding thokkin’ stupid, but I ain’t got nothing better to do this afternoon.

[Thrall]: Garrosh then told them of the technology he’d amassed in his rule over Orgrimmar. He spent days and days trying to figure out how they worked – until finally, he found the power switch... It was then that he knew just what he had to do. And on that fateful night, when the orcs were supposed to be corrupted by the demon blood offered by Gul’dan, the very same that plagued my people, something quite different happened than what history originally foretold! <Thrall leaves the stage> <The scene opens with Grom and Garrosh walking to the summit together. Garrosh is wearing a cloth hood> [Grom]: I’ve been uh…meaning to ask. Why? [Garrosh]: Huh? Oh, why the sexy hood? It’s to make me look mysterious and build up my musk and sweat. [Grom]: Neither of those applications seem very well thought out. How do you think that’s going to help us in the fight against Gul’dan? [Garrosh]: It’s supposed to help? [Grom]: Nevermind. He’s already here. I can smell him from where I stand. [Garrosh]: Huh? Oh, that’s just me. I haven’t taken a bath since before the last play we did. [Grom]: Well, we’ll uh…have to have a chat about that later. Here he is…in all his unholy, befouled foolishness. <The sky rains green fire and Gul’dan appears in a blaze of fel glory> [Gul'dan]: Whoohoooo! I’m Gul’dan, the Lock and Roll orc! I TAINT ARCAAAAANE! [Garrosh]: He puts his taint on a cane? That’s gotta hurt. [Grom]: No, he taints arcane. From what you told me, that’s what this ‘fel’ is, right? Honestly, it sounds a bit easier to roll off the tongue, so we’ll have to patent that.

[Garrosh]: Nah, for some reason I like “I taint arcane”! Lets me get to know the guy better! Like what his hobbies are. Do you think he likes playing cards?

[Grom]: Let’s make this quick. What do you want from us, Gul’dan? [Gul'dan]: <approaches Grom and Garrosh> Kek kek kek kek yayeah, I just want you to drink this here green stuff and join my army of the depraved and fel touched! I TAINT ARCAAAANE! [Garrosh]: We heard you the first time, and that STILL sounds uncomfortable as hell! [Grom]: Well uh, let’s consider the ups and the downs. From what you told me, Gul’dan, this drink will give us phenomenal strength and power. [Gul'dan]: That’s kek kek kek kek right, baby! C’mon and join the legion – we got all sorts of demon hunnies here to cuddle with when you’re rulin’ over creation! <walks up to Garrosh and whispers> Seriously, man, LOTTA arcane! Turns ya all green and stuff! [Garrosh]: Just call it fel! It SOUNDS cooler than a cane’s taint! [Grom]: Hrm. Great power. Power is something all orc legends have, this is true, BUT…what, Gul’dan, do we have to give in return? [Gul'dan]: Aw, it ain’t much baby. Just a lil’ bit of…

KEK KEK KEVERY THING! [Grom]: Huh. Well, I was afraid of that. Judging by the uh…unfair and one sided contract involved with being enslaved to a force of universal tyrants, I believe it is in the Iron Horde’s best interest to refuse your offer.

[Garrosh]: Hrmph. I liked Garrosh’s Horde better… [Gul'dan]: Awww, come on, baby! You know you wannaaaaa! [Grom]: No. And if you call me baby one more time, what we do to you next will hurt a lot more. [Gul'dan]: What do you kek kek kek mean? [Garrosh]: <turns off stage> NOW! <Kargath, Blackhand, Durotan, Ner’zhul, and Kilrogg all come on stage and encircle Gul’dan, then begin beating him up>

NOTE: All target him and use ‘the pigskin’ in close proximity to make it look like they're beating him up> [Kilrogg]: Teek that ya green arse! [Blackhand]: Yous ams nots my REAL DADS! [Durotan]: This ams for the wolves, you big bloated broccolis! [Ner'zhul]: Yeah, and don’t forget who thent ya runnin home to yer mother! [Grom]: Alright, boys, that’s enough. Load him into the Iron Canon. [Gul'dan]: <twitching> Kek kek kek whaaaa?! No no no, anything but the canon, baby! I’ll do anehthing! <they walk Gul’dan over to the appointed ‘canon fire’ spot and Gul’dan gets loaded up. NOTE: Gul'dan actor must have obtained Darkmoon Cannon toy) (Additional Note: Canon is mispelled on purpose, explanation in Trivia)> [Ner'zhul]: FIRE IN THE THOKING HOLE! [Gul'dan]: THIS WAS NOT OUR KEK KEK DESTINYYYYYYYYYYYY! <gets fired out of the play area> [Garrosh]: Yes! My plan worked! My plan that I so carefully cooked up! NO ONE could have thought to shoot Gul’dan out of a cheap canon! I’m such a genius! [Kilrogg]: <grumbles> Anyone else wanna fire dis guy outta one’a dem canons too? [Durotan]: I mean sortas, cuz WOW-WEE he’s a dingbat. [Grom]: Boys, boys. Stop. No more fighting, okay? We should celebrate this union of the clans overcoming Gul’dan’s treachery.

Oh, and uh…Ner’zhul, gonna need you to retrieve his unconscious body wherever he lands. We kind of still need it to rip over a dimensional gateway through time and space. [Ner'zhul]: Thoking theriouthly? Thith blowths… <Ner'zhul exits in the direction Gul'dan was fired> [Grom]: Now let’s all go and celebrate our success with a big barrel of cherry grog. Then afterwards, discuss how we move forward. [Kilrogg]: Eh, sounds kinda borin, but…there’s booze involved so count me in I guess. <the warlords all leave the stage, except Garrosh> [Garrosh]: <sighs heavily> Me me…<sigh> Pick me... <walks after them, unenthused> <end scene> <The next scene opens with the Warlords all at a meeting of the minds…or lack of minds, rather> [Grom]: Alright, so brainstorming session. How can we drive the Iron Horde war machine ever forward? Let's toss some ideas around, chop chop. Let's move.

[Ner'zhul]: Well I think we should justh call the Dark Sthtar, kill them all and enslave their SOULS--!

[Bladefist]: Damn it Ner'zhul, we told you to close your mouth when you speak, Thokin spitting everywhere...

[Blackhand]: Yeah, no ones really gives a shits anyways, Ner'zhuls. Why ams you even HERES?

[Durotan]: I gives a shits!

[Blackhand]: You takes a shits ams more likes it.

[Bladefist]: Yeah, you...<grumble> Damn tryhard, always trying too hard and shit...

[Kilrogg]: Oh wait, now that I theenk of it, Kargath, you had a friggin' awesome idea earlier, deedn't ya?

[Bladefist]: Huh? Oh, oh, yeah I was just thinking that...if I we like all had blades or something for hands, we wouldn't be disarmed, uh...yknow?"

[Blackhand]: Jah, likes I coulds puts my hammers on my hands and I could go FWOOSH BOOM BURN CRUNCH, TAKES THAT IMPREGNATORS MAR'GOK!"

[Durotan]: Oooh, ands Is coulds puts myselfs an extra axe on my hands whats could helps me chops firewood without havings to hauls it around likes a dead animals!

[Bladefist]: Yeah like, you wouldn't have to Idunno, pick it up or whatever cuz it's always there.

[Ner'zhul]: Yeah but--

[Blackhand]: No one CARES, NERZ'ZHULS! <chucks a prop at him (NOTE: Tree trinket from Stormheim is perfect for this – no one expects it>

[Grom]: Boys, I've told you this before. We cannot replace all of your limbs with blades. Oh, and they're right, Ner'zhul, no one really cares.

[Ner'zhul]: Thok…

[Bladefist]: Aw come ooooooon, why nooooot?

[Grom]: Because then you wouldn't be able to walk or pick things up.

[All of Them]: ....soooooooooooooooooooooooooo?

[Garrosh]: Alright, I've got a better idea. What if we all...just focus entirely on making tons of single use, really expensive and time consuming to construct and barely better than a large catapult explosive Iron Stars?

[Grom]: Hum...I...hardly think that would be an efficient use of resources, especially when you brought over schematics for far more uh...impressive machines.

[Bladefist]: Look, Grom, we'll make a deal with you.

We promise to stop asking to have weapons grafted onto our limbs - except for me, because I'm above all this - IF...you make all those Thokin’ Iron Stars, cuz that sounds savage as thok. Only good idea he's come up with, really.

And...OOH OOH, make a big ass canon too that we can fire it out of!

[Grom]: Um...sure, I suppose a massive canon and siege carrier of some sort could be made. It would certainly help bringing along our various turrets and--

[Bladefist]: No no, see, that's the best part - make this thing ONLY a big canon to shoot Iron Stars with.

And like, make it only go forward, so when people see it coming, they're like "Ooooooh. Ooooh noooooo! Everythiiiing in this general direction is screwwwwwwed!"

[Grom]: Look, if you allow me to have a few smaller defensive canons mounted to it, will you shut up about it?

[Durotan]: Hey, cans I names it in that case? I wants to names it after my mothers wolves whats dieds when I was just a boys.

[Grom]: Fine, what was the wolf's name?

[Durotan]: Worldsbreakers.

[Blackhand]: You ams lyings, your wolfs had pansy ass name like White fangs or some shits!

[Durotan]: Hey don'ts you calls hims that you big melting rlyak dongs! I'LL KILLS YAS!

[Kilrogg]: I dunno, I kinda like Worldbreeker and stuff. But can we paint fleemin' stripes all over it and stuff?

[Garrosh]: I'd prefer the name "Garrosh's Idea". Since it was MY idea!

[Bladefist]: Hell no! We may as well call it the Grokoff's left nut if we're gonna do that.

[Ner'zhul]: HYEAH! Or the Pain in my Asth!

[Grom]: Garrosh, perhaps you should let me have the floor. [Garrosh]: But it's MY IDEA!

[Grom]: <points off-stage> You've done enough, now go.

[Garrosh]: <cries and walks away, stomping his feet and throwing a fit> Was MY idea! MINE! Nobody talks that way to me, ARGH! <kicks a marmot into the crowd, use marmot toy from Valley of the Four Winds>

[Kilrogg]: Gee there, you...kinda think we hurt tha poor guys' feelings?

[Bladefist]: Are you kidding me? That douchebag's been nothing but whine whine whine since he first showed up. Build a portal thiiiiis, unite the clans thaaaat, waaah waaah waaah!

[Grom]: Hrm. Well, to be fair, you guys, without Garrosh, none of this would be happening right now.

[Blackhand]: Yes, but withouts Garrosh nows we can actually takes the plans and makes it GOODS! I did not sees him suggests anythings after the Worldbreaker that woulds have covereds the glaring flaws it hads!

[Durotan]: OH, wow-wees! You guys ams usings my name ideas after alls? <gasp>

Oooh I'm so happyyyys!

[Bladefist]: Look, bottom line and I'm gonna level with you...<pauses and throws his arms to the side, the Bladefist prop flying into the crowd>

We can't work with this dildo! He smells like he came out of a clefthoof's asshole, tries to turn good war plans into shit war plans, has this fetish for giant steel balls of flaming glory, and he keeps drinking the Thokin kafa!

[Grom]: We wouldn't even be having this conversation right now if not for Garrosh. Now look around you and see this? See this Iron Horde we've made?

It's all because of him. Now I suggest you all be mature and not try to screw things up. We still need his help.

<Ner'zhul opens his mouth to speak>

[Grom]: And no, Ner'zhul, you're not more useful than he is. I suggest you reflect on that for a moment and think about what you were about to say.

[Ner'zhul]: ....THHHHHHHHHHHHHHOK!

<end scene> <Thrall enters the stage, with Garrosh moping by the edge> [Thrall]: Garrosh finally came to a grim realization that…No one liked him! <He shrugs.> …well, it was a realization to -him-, you must understand. Garrosh sat all alone with pitiful self under the skies of Nagrand, until he was soon joined by his father. There, he realized humility for the first time in his arrogant stupid life. <Thrall bows and leaves> [Garrosh]: <sniff> No one gives me credit for anything anymore. [Grom]: <approaches from off-stage> Garrosh. Mind if we uh…have a little talk? Little man to man, as they say? [Garrosh]: <sniff> No… [Grom]: <sits down next to Garrosh> Look, I understand you came here to warn us of this invading legion, and help us mount a counter-strike out of the honor in your heart. But we’ve got a job to do here. Everyone has to play their part, you hear? [Garrosh]: <sniff> No. [Grom]: Are you just going to say no to everything I say in an attempt to emotionally wall yourself off from what is happening right now? [Garrosh]: …n…ye…maybe.

[Grom]: What I’m trying to say is…despite how hard I've been on you, we need you. So with that said, I’d like to give you a gift for helping us out. [Garrosh]: <sniffle> Is it a pony? [Grom]: A what now? [Garrosh]: Oh, right, see, Azeroth has these things called horsies and there are smaller ones called ponies. I can’t explain why but I REALLY want one.

My own…little…pony. [Grom]: That’s….fascinating. Anyway, no, I want to give you control of the Warsong clan while I act as Warchief of the Iron Horde. [Garrosh]: <eyes widen> You want to appoint me Warchef so I can cook all the delicious food for the Iron Horde? I could be…the IRON CHEF! [Grom]: Ahm, no, not exactly. What I mean is-- [Garrosh]: I ACCEPT! [Grom]: <shrugs> Good enough for me. Alright then, Garrosh, I trust you to lead us to victory. [Garrosh]: Hah, you underestimate me! I’ll be the best Warchef ever! <end scene> <Thrall returns to the stage and bows> [Thrall]: He was not the best Warchef ever. Nor ….Warchief for that matter.

He stayed in Nagrand for many months as the rest of the Iron Horde prepared for war without him. It…did things to him. And he soon regretted his decision. In time, a vangard from the future – that is to say, our timeline - came to bring Garrosh back to Azeroth to face justice. It didn’t exactly end well for Garrosh…

<he pulls out his mace and straightens up> <Thrall bows and enters the stage. Garrosh and Thrall face each other down for the last time> [Thrall]: It is time to answer for your crimes, Garrosh. I’m going to end what I should have ended long ago… [Garrosh]: No. NO NO NO, stop taking credit for everything I do! [Thrall]: …I’ll wait till your impending tantrum is over. [Garrosh]: <points> I am sick of this blame game! Credit where credit is due, this is NOT your fault! It’s mine, ALL MINE! And I love it! [Thrall]: You…hit your head on the way over here, didn’t you? [Garrosh]: <paces back and forth> All these years, I was built up by you, from the moment we met in Nagrand. You told me I was destined to follow in my father’s footsteps. Well guess what?

I DID! And it was all me. [Thra;;]: No, Garrosh. You are not worthy of calling yourself the son of Grom. [Garrosh]: That’s the thing – do you even KNOW what Grom was really like? You practically just met him when you started hailing him as a hero! Spent what, a few weeks with him, tops? See, I’ve gotten to know the real Grom over the past few months. He’s a freakin’ deadpan! Always business, never “Hey son, you wanna go fishing?” and “THOK YEAH I WANNA GO FISHING!” Then he dumped this job on me just to keep me away from the action. Seriously, I haven’t seen a fight in WEEKS!

Just sittin’ here with my thumbs up my ass, ordering around these primitive Warsong warriors who were too stupid to work the tech we’re using in Tanaan! I can’t even get them to clip my thokking toenails properly! WHAT KIND OF BASS AKWARDS PEON CAN’T CLIP TOENAILS?! [Thrall]: …I am…not going to lie, I feel very uncomfortable right now. Should we just…continue this later or…? [Garrosh]: NO! We end this now! And I’m going to slay you. I’M going to be the one to get credit for killing the mighty Thrall! And you’re going to bask in the irony that you made me what I am, dammit! [Thrall]: …so it IS my fault? [Garrosh]: No, it’s mine! [Thrall]: Okay, then there’s not much irony for me to bask in, there. Gonna be honest. [Garrosh]: Fine, then it’s your fault! [Thrall]: No, because you chose your own destiny. [Garrosh]: LA LA LA LA, DON’T CARE, FIGHT TIME! [Thra;;]: Alright, alright. Just to be clear, these are traditional Mak'gora rules, right? Just weapons, no armor, just loincloths, maybe some...oil and low lighting- or…?

<he starts to unbuckle his belt> [Garrosh]: I don’t have TIME to take off my pants! Fight now! [Thrall]: Gotcha! MOCK'gora it is then. <Use Akunda's Firesticks if outdoors around the stage. Otherwise, be creative with this one. A storm opens up around the stage, and Garrosh stares into the sky at it> [Garrosh]: Oh… oh damn, I should have specified… [Thrall]: Any last words, Garrosh? [Garrosh]: <puts up his middle finger> Thok you, and thok the horse you rode in on!

<Garrosh is struck and dies dramatically> [Thrall]: At last.. It is over, the rein of <sniffs the air, gagging > Oh...Oh spirits.…I- BEUGH- made him smell even worse! Now he smells like BURNT worg ass.

Ohh....Ancestors...I need to go over here..

<he walks off to the side to catch his breath.> <Thrall leaves the stage, scene ends> <After the stage has been cleared, Thrall comes onto the stage one final time and bows> [Thrall]: And so...Garrosh’s tale had finally ended. But the legacy he’d set in motion could not be undone.

As the Iron Horde began to lose to the Vangard that followed Garrosh, Grom was meeting with an emissary of the Ogre Empire when he learned of how the Warlords were failing… <Narrator bows and walks off stage. Enter Grom and the Emissary of Mar’gok> [Grom]: Alright, so for Mar’gok’s cooperation prior to his fall, we’ll allow you all to continue hosting those coliseum games so long as you agree to advertise via the Iron Horde’s new logo. I’m thinking of slapping it on every seat in the house. [Ogre Emissary]: Uh…da sorcerers not gonna like dat too much. Dey tink it look dumb... [Grom]: Well you can tell them it was your idea then, and that you already signed the papers for them. Also tell them that if they to improve negotiations in their favor, they should come to these meetings themselves. [Ogre Emissary]: Hrm…OKAY! Sound good! Anything else you need me tell dem? [Grom]: Yes. Tell them to have their forces take baths more often. We’re savage, not animals. Mar’gok would agree if he were alive.

[Ogre Emissary]: Dat sound like bad idea… [Grom]: Again, tell them it was your idea. <Kilrogg bursts into the room> [Kilrogg]: Hey um…theenk ya should see this here report from tha field, Grommy boy. [Grom]: Not now, Kilrogg. I’m in the middle of ogre negotiations. You know how taxing it can be to lower my intelligence enough to negotiate with them. [Ogre Emissary]: HEY! Dat not nice! [Grom]: Well it was your idea, big guy. You uh…may want to just point those fingers at yourself. [Ogre Emissary]: Huh? Oh, me not very nice. [Kilrogg]: Um…just so ya knows then? Blackheend is dead. [Ogre Emissary]: …me sensing lots of tension. Me go now. [Grom]: Hrm. Probably for the best. We’ll continue this another time. <The ogre nods and leaves> [Grom]: So Blackhand fell in battle? [Kilrogg]: Well, in battle aaand about three floors through that feency foundry of his. Can’t tell if he did it himself or someone just hit ‘im REEEEEALLY hard through that there floor of his. [Grom]: Huh. That’s…quite a sizable loss. Without the foundry, we can’t make more weapons. Inform Kargath right away to salvage any weapons we’ve distributed to the Spires of Arak and bring them to our forces in Tanaan.

[Kilrogg]: That’s another thing. He’s uh…dead too. [Grom]: What? Kargath Bladefist? That doesn’t seem plausible. [Kilrogg]: Yeah, died in the arena against some small army. Was like…ten…or thirty people or sumpin like that what took ‘im down. Kinda cool, actually. I was watchin’ the whole thing, was badass. [Grom]: You…watched one of your fellow Warlords die? [Kilrogg]: Yeah? Gotta entertain myself with sumpin, right? [Grom]: Ugh…well maybe we can ask Durotan to-- [Kilrogg]: Oh uh…yeah, about that, shortly after our meetin’, he started having second thoughts about joinin the Iron Horde, and uh…called yas a giant assmelt and left with his middle fingers held high, went beek home. Not gonna lie, I think he was just here for the kickass war banner. We should probably just pretend he was never there. [Grom]: Hrm. Well, that’s not a terrible loss I guess. The others, yeah, but we can survive without the Frostwolf clan. What of Ner’zhul? [Kilrogg]: He’s dead too. [Grom]: Unsurprising. Did he at least die with dignity? [Kilrogg]: Kinda hard to have dignity when you get killed by five grokoffs in your own dimension of void powers. [Grom]: This…this is a pretty unrecoverable loss. Please, allow me a customary moment of silence for my men. [Gul'dan]: <enters> KEK KEK KEK KEK YAYEAH! Gul'dan gonna make ALL your dreams come true, Grom baby! Hows about you guys come and take some of this here sweeeeeeeeet fel blood? Oooooooooooh! <Gul'dan places a cauldron between them (NOTE: Goblin Gumbo toy is best, but flask cauldron or dragon feast works>

[Kilrogg]: OOH, PUNCH! [Grom]: You’ve got to be―who the hell let this guy in?! We told you before, Gul’dan, we don’t want your damned poison! [Kilrogg]: No no, you see man, it’s bloodbooze, gotta get it right. It’s booze made of blood that makes ya all strong and freaky and stuff. [Grom]: I don’t care what it’s called, frankly. Garrosh told us it would enslave us, and-- [Kilrogg]: Oh, yeah, forgot to tell ya uh…he’s dead too. [Grom]: …so you are literally my only high operative in the Iron Horde now? [Kilrogg]: Hey, I uh…I’m just teelin’ it like it ees. [Grom]: <deep breaths and rubs his temple> We’re literally on the cusp of ruin here, and all I have to help is Kilrogg Deadeye. What do you even DO?

[Kilrpgg]: Well I uh…lots of…stuff, I mean I can…do a little jig? Would that make ya happeh? < Kil'rogg /dances>

I mean, I’m great at drinkin’ games. Watch, I’ll prove it! Betcha anything I can chug that bloodbooze no sweat! [Grom]: No, wait, KILROGG DON’T! <Kilrogg takes Gul’dan’s felbood and chugs it>

KILROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGG!!! [Gul'dan]: CHUG CHUG CHUG! Kek kek kek beautiful, baby! [Kilrogg]: <belches fel> See? Wasn’ so beed, just a bit spicy is all, I mean I can hold my liquor. Though I do kinda have this urge to serve Gul’dan now, and the legion. I mean, aside from that, I’m fine. [Grom]: <kneels down> Kilrogg…you idiot. [Gul'dan]: You can’t kek kek kek win, Grom! My fel drink is just too good! I TAINT ARCANE! [Grom]: I have lost…everything. [Gul'dan]: Aww, it’s okay Grommy baby, cuz you still got uuuuuuuus~! [Kilrogg]: Yeah, I mean why not just drink it yourself? This shit feels thokkin’ great, my bulging Bleeding Hollow dangledonger ain’t never felt so big. You gotta try this, it’s…It’s just good, man, try it. <suddenly Ner’zhul appears floating as a ghost> [Ner'zhul]: FINALLY, Got thith plan to thokking work! Now I’m an immortal thpirit and can command the armieth of the DAMNED without ever getting hurt mythelf! It’s a pretty good plan if I do thay though mythelf. [Grom]: <shakes his head at Ner’zhul> Too late, Ner’zhul. Far too late. [Ner'zhul]: <looks over at Kilrogg who grins and waves> Aw THOK no! I did not intentionally die to make mythelf one with the void JUTHT to have thith happen! I’m calling my agent! <floats off stage> [Grom]: I uh…better follow him. I’m his agent’s agent, so… <sneaks away> [Kilrogg]: Huh…hey uh…shouldn’t we go after them? [Gul'dan]: It’s kek kek kek cool, baby! We’ll get ‘em some other time! <walks off stage> I TAINT ARCANE! [Kilrogg]: Hey, works for me. And uh…to all you slackoffs in the audience, I take fan mail in booze-a-grams and vouchers for brew of the month. <Scene ends, all leave the stage>>

<Thrall enters the stage> [Thrall]: And thus ended the tale of Garrosh Hellscream. His charred remains forever forgotten in the place in which is tale began, those many moons ago...

Except in another timeline entirely. One that we will likely never have to see or speak of again..BUT!

His legacy endured. For it was due to him that we fought and bested the Legion, just that it was a lot sooner and lot more costly than we would have hoped!

And as we fight on into the future, Horde, never forget...

<Thrall points to Garrosh very sternly and then looks to the audience.> It was his fault! SERIOUSLY! THOK THIS GUY! [Garrosh]: Hey, at least people are going to remember I actually did this one, right? [Thrall]: <facepalms> For the love of....THE. END! THAT’S IT! NO MORE! HELLSQUEAL ONE, TWO, THREEQUEL, NO PREQUEL! NO SPIN OFF, NO VERSION WHERE WE GET TO SEE HOW I'M DOING.WE’RE DONE! THAT’S IT! -SHOOS- IT’S OVER! YOU CAN ALL GO FIGHT NOW! WE’RE DONE, THERE’S NO MORE! THAT’S IT! NADDA! DONE! <Thrall wanders off screen muttering>

[Garrosh]: <looks to the audience and shrugs> Hey, at least I made it interesting, right? Good night, Snorehowl bless, and don’t forget to poke holes in all your rubbers…

Rubber ducks, that is. Thok ducks.

Uh…

Later.

<Garrosh’s ghost vanishes (use invisibility potion)> <END>

TRIVIA

Hellthreequel was originally part of Hellsequel, but realizing the play would last far too long and there being more we wanted to do with the courtroom scene, we split the plays. Regardless of this fact, it still took years for us to actually have the cast size needed for this play.

Hellthreequel boasts the largest on-stage cast requirement of any of our plays, with the largest scenes having anywhere between 7-8 characters needed on stage at a time. Some scenes made it impossible to have the proper numbers, so we wrote flexibly in those scenes, such as the first meeting of Gul’dan, so we could drop our numbers when needed.

This play was only ever performed twice. Since we were retiring the first two, however, we felt it would be improper to keep this one around too, since so many jokes build upon references from Hellsqueal and Hellsequel.

In our last run of this play, WoW’s very own in-game cinematics project director Terran Gregory attended the show, and even recorded a portion of the play on his Twitch channel! Needless to say it was a surprising honor!

Many (see; Almost all) of the jokes in Hellthreequel regarding the Warlords was based upon the fictional Death Metal band “Dethklok”, and their show formally on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim block “Metalocalypse”. The personalities of the main cast of that show were given to each of the Warlords, but we made sure to write them in a way where their banter and lines were still funny out of context. Even the poster, done by @shamanofthewilds much like Hellsequel’s poster, was a reference to it!

Kargath Bladefist was “Nathan Explosion” (Kargath Orcsplosion), the gravelly voiced vocalist of the band.

Durotan was “Toki Wartooth” (Durotoki), the happy-go-lucky animal petting ‘why the hell is he even with these guys’ member of the group.

Blackhanz was “Skwissgar Skwigelf” (Blackhanz). Contrary to some crew member’s confusion as to why the blonde, long haired guitarist of Dethklok would be played by a bald orc, we added a line about how Blackhand used to have hair, which is actually true. Also, Hanz’gar and Franzok kind of opened the gates of hell by introducing out-of-setting accents to the Blackrock clan, so we had fun with it.

Kilrogg Deadeye was “Pickles the Drummer” (Kilrogg the Deadeye), the booze and drug addled drummer and voice of reason, but not by much.

Ner’zhul was “William Murderface”, the bass player. Just based on what he plays, one should gather what the joke was.

Grom was “Charles Offdensen”, the straight-faced, no-nonsense business minded manager of the band.

And of course, Gul’dan was Dr. Rockzo, the rock and roll clown. He does cocaine.

Speaking of, many of the quirks of Dr. Rockzo’s zany behavior was added to Gul’dan, including his catch phrases, and adapted of course to the WoW setting. “K-k-k (yeah)” became “Kekkekkek”, effectively the same sound, but referencing the in-game language barrier, and “I do cocaine” was changed to “I taint arcane”, since fel is technically tainted arcane energy. That, and “I do fel” didn’t seem to have the same appeal.

Despite these massively out-of-world references, as with any references we put into our plays, we worked hard to make sure they made sense in-character, but also gave ourselves freedom enough to have fun with it. While Hellsequel was Atos’s favorite overall, Threequel remains Atos’s favorite to have written.

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thetirisfaltheatretroupe · 5 years

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Scripts posted!

All three Hellsqueal plays are now publically available right here on our blog! You need only search the tags “tttscripts” or “script archive” into the search to locate them. Whether it’s just to sate your curiosity, or for you to perform these with your friends, the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe welcomes and encourages you to use them! Just please remember to credit us when you do them before a crowd! Sit tight for a new announcement set for next weekend! A few important events will be announced!

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thetirisfaltheatretroupe · 6 years

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[Script Archive] Beautiful Beast: A Lordaeron Classic Tale

<<The following is a play that has been retired from the Tirisfal Theatre’s library, and will only reoccur for private events for the foreseeable future. This script has been placed here so that those who enjoyed the play or wish to perform it themselves may do so. Credit for this in-game stageplay adaptation of “Beauty and the Beast” goes to the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe>>

CHARACTERS: The Brute, Maury (Bella's father), Bella, Servant of the Brute, Narrator

[Narrator]: Long ago, when the wands of Lordaeron were young and vibrant, and the kingdoms of men were enjoying an era of prosperity, there lived a simple merchant.

[Narrator]: He went by the name of Maury, and he had lost his way in the deep forests. Soon, he had nary a clue where he was, and as dusk fell, he became fearful that he might not survive the night.

[Maury]: I was a fool to not bring kindling with me. If I don't find shelter, I'll freeze before the morning dew laces the grass. Where am I?

Confounded thing! I don't know where I am! <suddenly, he spots something in the distance, looks stage left and /points>

Do my eyes deceive me? A manor, in this untamed edge of the kingdom? Best to not look a gift horse in the mouth, then. Hopefully they have somewhere to eat and rest my weary head…

[Narrator]: Yes, Maury had found a place to survive the night, but it was not uninhabited. Driven by his cold and hunger, he bothered not to even knock on the door, and wet himself into the estate.

There, he found food, fire, and a place to rest his weary head. However, it was not long before the Lord of the manor returned.

[Maury]: Now that's what I'm talking about! I could get used to living a cushy life like this. <the Brute enters from the stage where Maury’s back is facing, uses Flippable Table toy and /roars. Maury jumps, turns to him, and /cowers>

[Brute]: WHO DARES TRESSPASS HERE?!

Who has rummaged through my belongings, and taken what is mine and not theirs?!

[Narrator]: The Lord of this estate had wong ago been cursed by a sorceress to appear as an angry, ugly brute, wong since having fallen to despair and closed himself off from the west of the world.

He did not take kindly to trespassers, as Maury soon found out.

Maury begged the beastly Brute for his life, but to no avail. So, in desperation, Maury bargained, as merchants often did.

[Maury]: P-please! Oh gracious lord of this manor, whose mercy will be looked kindly upon by the gods! Grant me this - I promise to bring to you my daughter. She is the fairest maiden in all the land!

[Brute]: You boast and brag, and I do not believe! But I will humor your pathetic pleading. Write to her, and have her come here. And if you lie about her beauty, you shall both be locked away in the dungeon for life!

[Narrator]: Maury, reluctantly, wrote a letter to his daughter that was carried by crow. In a few days time, she came to the manor, seeking her father out.

[Bella]: ...what is this place...? Hello? Father? Your letter was so brief, is something the matter? <Maury enters stage left, looking nervous alongside the Brute>

[Maury]: Oh my daughter... what I fool I was. Forgive me for what is to come.

[Bella]: Father, who is this? Is he the one who has kept you here?! <she points to the Brute>

[Brute]: You told the truth. A bargain is a bargain. Begone with you, then! Keep your pathetic life, and she shall remain here with me! <the Brute shoves Maury towards stage right>

[Maury]: Forgive me... forgive me...

[Brute]: Welcome to my manor. You are my prisoner here, now, so this manor is your home. You may go to any wing, and room with permission. However, you are never to leave again.

[Bella]: What right have you to keep me here?!

[Brute]: I am the Lord of this place, that is my right! And if you try to sneak away, the wolves and beasts of the forest shall claim you as they just might claim your cowardly father! I shall see you for dinner later on. That's not a request! <Both leave separate sides of the stage, Brute leaving stage right, Bella stage left, Bella in a huff>

[Narrator]: For months, Bella endured the Brute's beastly presence, and terrible temper. Though over time, she began to realize that there was a side of him that was not as unpleasant as the night he was first introduced.

As they continued to interact, the Brute's temper had begun to subside around her, as if he was trying not to frighten her. He had learned patience, little by little.

[Brute]: The tome you requested from my library.

[Bella]: O-oh, that. Thank you.

[Brute]: You uh...sure do enjoy reading.

[Bella]: Yes, well, it is the only way I can experience a world outside of the one I am currently trapped in.

[Brute]: Right. Well um... if you would like, you do not have to request a book anymore. You may come and go through the library as you please. If it is locked, ask one of the servants for the key.

[Bella]: That is...kind of you. Thank you.

[Brute]: You are most welcome. Well then, I will be off to my quarters.

[Bella]: Oh! Before you do -- what will be made for dinner this evening? I’m...quite famished, you see.

[Brute]: Then I shall hunt for the largest boar I can find, and ask the servants to make a great feast. <Both characters leave stage right>

[Narrator]: Quite contrary to the hostage situation she felt she would be in at the beginning, she'd grown an attachment to the Brute, and saw quickly that his appearance was not telling of who he had become inside.

The Brute had begun to regret the way he had treated her in the beginning. That night, he resolved to give her back her freedom. However, his gesture was cut short by a letter.

[Brute]: Is...something the matter?

[Bella]: A...a letter from one of my sisters. My father has fallen ill...

[Brute]: Even after he sold you away for his own life, you still care about his well being?

[Bella]: Yes. I know I shouldn't, that he left me here. It was a cowardly thing for him to do and I don't owe him anything but...well...he's my father. And it hasn't been entirely bad. I met you after all and for that I am thankful.

Despite all of his flaws I love him, as he is still my father.

[Brute]: ...then you must go to him.

[Bella]: W-what?

[Brute]: Yes. You are no longer my prisoner, Bella. Go and see him.

[Bella]: Oh thank you! Thank you! <Bella runs off stage right, Brute waves, but then becomes sad>

[Narrator]: The Brute showed his prisoner mercy, and allowed her to be fwee to tend to her father, who was dying of illness. However, it was not long before the toll of the curse had reached its conclusion.

For the sorceress that cursed the Brute had intended for it to kill the lord if he could not break the spell with a declaration of everlasting wove. Soon, he fell ill as well.

[Servant]: My lord! Hold fast! You cannot die here!

[Brute]: Bella is safe... and happy. That is all that matters to me now. Should I perish, give only word to her that I loved her, and that I was a fool for the way I treated her and her family.

[Servant]: My lord, it shall be done, but allow us to at least bring her to your side! <The Servant leaves>

[Narrator]: The servants searched the wand for Bella's home, and soon found her, informing her of the Brutes condition. She had not known the severity of the curse, and rushed back to the Brute's manor to see him one last time.

Upon his deathbed he lay, barely breathing, but still truly happy to see her one last time.

[Brute]: You came back... after all I did?

[Bella]: Of course I did! I came the moment your servant told me! You may think yourself a monster and I admit I thought so at first as well but...well, I've never seen it.

There is good in you, inside your heart. I've witnessed it and I've prayed that one day you'd have the courage to freely express it to the world. But now…

[Brute]: Shh. It is fine this way. You will be happiest away from this cursed place. Away from me.

[Bella]: No! No, it won't. I missed you so much while I was gone and I realized...I realized I love you.

[Brute]: I’m glad I got to see you… one last time… <the Brute brings a hand up to her cheek, then goes limp, and he dies>

[Bella]: NO! Please! Don't leave me. Didn't you hear what I said? I love you! Please, don't leave me!

[Narrator]: And suddenly, in a spectacle of wight, the curse began to subside! The Brute began to once more take on his human form, his frightening appearance fading.

[Narrator]: The Lord of the Manor had returned. The spell had been broken by a declaration of true love!

It was in the spring of that year, the two were married. The Lord never again lost his temper, and Bella found her happiness with the Lord, once called ‘Brute’.

And they lived happily ever after!

<END>

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