A/N: For the Spirit & Strife zine! I really need to stop trying to cram EVERY relationship into a fic. Which I guess can be solved by me writing more fics.
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i.
Cloud’s mouth was dry. It was a small problem. His head ached, his sight was foggy, and he wasn’t entirely certain of where he was. Or, for that matter, who he was. The only thing he did know was that there was a muscular arm wrapped firmly around his waist, that his own arm was wrapped around broad shoulders, and that he wasn’t alone. And that this man—man?—next to him was talking.
“We’re almost there,” the man said, his dark hair brushing against Cloud’s arm as they trekked forward across the dried earth. The desert around them looked how Cloud felt. The man’s name was Zack. Probably. “And then when we get back, we’ll celebrate.”
Why? What happened? Cloud was made of questions at this point, but his tongue refused to cooperate. He grunted, the sound coming out raspy and weak.
“I know, I’m excited too.” Unphased, Zack continued to drag Cloud forward, forcing them through the desert. “We’ll have a round of drinks, on me. Hell, we can get Aerith to join us—you haven’t met my girlfriend, right? You’ll love her, trust me.”
Where are we going? Dazed, Cloud glanced up at the man beside him. The sun was bright. Zack smiled and squeezed his waist.
“I’ve got a real nice bottle hidden away.” Zack laughed, though his voice cracked halfway. “We can…”
If he said anything else, Cloud couldn’t hear it.
ii.
“We’re drinking,” Jessie declared, her voice echoing through Seventh Heaven as she stood up. As usual, the place was empty. As usual, they were the only ones there.
Cloud wasn’t sure how this place made any money. Few drank during the day and most of their missions were at night. If it was a problem, Tifa hadn’t told him. Not that it mattered if she had; he didn’t care. All he needed was his cash and whether they got that from selling booze, collecting filters, or robbing a bank, it didn’t matter.
Besides, an empty bar was better for counting gil. He didn’t have to worry about thieves eying his paycheck as he leaned against the bar, double-checking the bag Barret gave him.
“For a job well done,” Jessie continued eagerly, her hands on her hips as she regarded everyone.
Cloud hoped that everyone didn’t include him; he wasn’t sure exactly how many ways he could say not interested before he had to start resorting to his sword.
Biggs grinned as he ran a hand through his hair. As usual, grime and grease streaked across his face, his fingers dirty from taking apart Shinra’s latest creation. “Sounds good.”
“But Tifa isn’t here,” Wedge objected nervously. Despite his words, his chair scraped against the floor as he trailed after the other two to the bar. “She’ll get angry if we make a mess again.”
A petty part of Cloud wanted to see that; the bigger part of him wanted to finish counting his money and leave. He spent enough time as it was without watching them fall into a drunken stupor.
“That’s only if she finds out, and she won’t if we’re neat and tidy about it,” Jessie stressed, a steely edge to her voice as she glared at Wedge. “Got it?”
Wedge gulped and nodded. “R-right.”
It was easy enough to piece together what happened the last time they’d taken over the bar. Not that Cloud wanted to know. He pulled the drawstrings of his coin bag, the gil clinking as they hit one another. Done for the day, he spun on his heel to leave.
Or at least, that was the plan before Jessie grabbed his shoulder, gluing him in place. Despite her slight build, she was as strong as iron when she wanted to be. “And where do you think you’re going, handsome?”
“Away,” Cloud grunted.
She mock-gasped, clutching her heart with her free hand. “And skip our celebration?”
Cloud had enough of the charade. For some odd reason, AVALANCHE was determined to drag him into all of their affairs, and he couldn’t understand why for the life of him. He shook off Jessie’s hand. “I didn’t get hired to celebrate.”
Biggs snorted as he stood in front of Cloud, as though his scrawny arms could stop a SOLDIER. “It’s a celebration. You don’t get hired for shit like that, you just do it.”
“And we should totally be doing this more often,” Jessie chimed in, vaulting over the bar in a way Tifa definitely wouldn’t approve of. The glasses rattled slightly when she landed.
“What kind of drinks do you like, Cloud?” Wedge asked, and his innocent smile was somehow more of a restraint than Bigg’s hand as he guided Cloud to a seat.
Jessie pulled out a whisky bottle. “Bet he likes a strong one.”
“I like the fruity ones myself,” Wedge added, bouncing in his seat as he plopped next to Cloud.
“I’m leaving,” Cloud gritted, trying and failing to stand up.
“Come on, don’t be such a sourpuss!” Biggs hit his back before grabbing a glass. “It’s just a drink.”
A glass was forced into Cloud’s hand before he could say or do anything else.
iii.
Cloud was used to a confident Barret, an angry Barret, and a doting Barret. Every single iteration of Barret was loud, as though he were continuously declaring who he was, as though he were continuously reminding the world and himself of what he stood for.
What he wasn’t used to was a quiet Barret, and that was the Barret he found in Aerith’s garden. He sat amongst the flowers, looking entirely out of place as he nursed a beer with his good hand. A half-filled case was next to him. Glancing at Cloud, Barret gave him a slight nod before returning his gaze to the sky above. “It’s funny how even here, you can’t see the stars.”
Standing next to Barret, Cloud shoved his hands in his pocket as he glanced up. A black sky embedded with tiny glowing dots filled the gaps in the plates. Even here, where the sky was at its clearest, the lights from the other layers made it hard to see anything.
The stars had been much brighter at home.
Cloud frowned, not sure where that thought came from. Dismissing it, he grunted, “Not like they give much light anyways.”
“That’s not the point.” Barret shook his head, disappointed. He took another swig of his drink. “I don’t know what Tifa sees in you; you’re as cold as they come.”
That bothered him more than he cared to admit. Cloud snorted. “Don’t know what gave you any other impression.”
“I dunno.” Barret shrugged, for once not in the mood to trash him. “Maybe just the way you’ve been on the missions lately. Jessie…” He swallowed and bowed his head, staring at his bottle now. “They all liked you. I’d like to think there was a reason.”
Cloud looked away. He could still feel Jessie’s hand in his own, still hear Bigg’s rattling breath. Their deaths were too close, too raw. The dust from the collapse lingered in his lungs, suffocating him with each breath. The only miracle was that Wedge hadn’t died that night too.
“You know, we’re fighting for that tiny patch of sky. I thought at least here at least, Marlene could see it.” Barret raised his bottle, staring up through the amber liquid. Lowering his voice, he murmured, “Everything we sacrificed for it…I want her to know it’s worth it.”
Despite himself, Cloud reluctantly admitted, “It is.”
Barret snapped his head to Cloud. He scoffed, “I thought you didn’t believe.”
“I don’t,” Cloud agreed, sitting down next to Barret. He grabbed a cold bottle and snapped off the lid. If he was going to say all this, he needed to be drunk. “But they did. You’ll just have to make it worth it.”
Barret stared at him before bursting into laughter. “You’re a cocky sonofabitch, you know that?” He shook his head and hit Cloud on the back. “Oh, it’ll be worth it alright, just wait and see.”
iv.
Cloud rubbed his hands absentmindedly as he sat in front of the crackling fire. In all honesty, he should have expected this even before he’d left Midgar—if a single city could contain government conspiracies, secret labs, and more, the entire continent was bound to have even more mysteries to unravel.
Though, he wasn’t entirely certain it was a good idea to dig deeper into this mess. Even out here in the wilds, with only his slumbering teammates to help fight against the monsters, he could still feel Sephiroth’s breath on his neck, still see his silver hair in the dark. The visions felt stronger, more vivid these days. His headaches were even worse.
Did they have something to do with the ancient Cetras? The black materia?
They certainly had something to do with the pained look Tifa gave him from time to time, her secret as deeply hidden as the planet’s lifestream.
“Cold?” Aerith asked, abruptly leaning over him, her long hair tumbling after her like a waterfall.
To his pride, he didn’t jump. He even managed to keep his voice even as he asked, “Aerith?”
The only thing he didn’t know was where to look. She was close. She was always too close. Judging by her teasing smirk, she was doing it on purpose.
Aerith pouted as she straightened. “Aww, such a boring reaction.”
Cloud cleared his throat. Her sudden distance didn’t make it any easier to breathe. “It’s the middle of the night. Did you want me to wake everyone up?”
“Mmm, well, that’d be fun in its own way, but no.” She traipsed next to him and plopped down.
Once again, she was too close. Her knees touched his. Cloud stiffened. “Then what? It’s not your turn for the watch.”
“So?” Aerith cocked her head as she regarded him. He heard a small clink as she set a small bag in front of her. “Any rules that it has to be for me to join you?”
Cloud frowned, unable to argue the point. With a sigh, he let go of the point. “So, why’re you awake?”
“Maybe I just wanted to give you company?” Aerith smiled charmingly as she pulled out a small flask from the cloth bag, along with two tin cups. “It’s no fun drinking alone.”
He only frowned deeper, now certain something was wrong. “Aerith.”
She flinched before sighing. Her bangs covered her eyes, shielding her expression from him as she leaned forward and started to pour a cup. “Fine, fine. It’s been a busy few days, you know. I’ve got a lot to think about so…it’s a little hard to sleep.” Smile back in place, Aerith held out the cup. “I heard rum’s a good way to warm up.”
He stared at the cup dubiously. “You want me to drink while on watch?”
“Just a glass,” she cajoled, her eyes innocent. “It won’t do anything to you, Mr. S.O.L.D.I.E.R, right?”
Somehow, the moniker felt wrong these days. “I won’t.”
“Come on,” Aerith pleaded, pressing the cup into his open hand. “I got this as a thank you gift.”
He stared at her blankly. “Thank you?”
“For saving me all those times!” Aerith’s shoulders slumped. “I already gave Tifa and Barret their gifts…”
Reluctantly, he wrapped his fingers around the cup, accepting it. “Just one.”
“Just one, promise!” She beamed like she’d won the lottery. Humming, she poured herself another one before sitting back. Aerith sipped and sighed blissfully. “Feeling warmer already.”
When she looked at him expectantly, Cloud rolled his eyes but drank his too. “Thanks.”
“See? I was right.” Aerith tapped her cup happily, her expression fond as she stared at it. “I wish we could have done this at Tifa’s bar. Maybe after all of this…the three of us. No, actually, we could invite everyone and it’ll be a party.”
“I don’t like parties.” Cloud nudged her gently with his knee, tired of meandering around the topic. “So, what’s really the problem?”
“Who says there is one?” Aerith asked quietly.
“Aerith.” When she didn’t reply, he nudged her again.
She glanced at him, then back at her cup. “It’s nothing serious enough to be a ‘problem’. It’s just…for a moment there, I thought Sephiroth was a…that I wasn’t alone for a moment. And now I am again.” Aerith laughed tiredly, the sound jagged and stiff. “It’s nothing new but…”
Her expression bothered him. “You’re not alone.”
Aerith snapped her attention to him, surprised. “Huh?”
Suddenly embarrassed, Cloud looked away. Just what had he been thinking, blurting that aloud? To the woman who never let things go? “You’ve got us.”
“Oh. Oh.” He could hear the smile in her voice. “Thanks.”
For a second, all was fine.
Then she was too close again, smirking mischievously, and he regretted opening his mouth. “So, that’s what you think, huh?”
v.
Cloud had expected to see Vincent by the fire when he’d gotten up to take over the night watch. The sight of Yuffie next to him had been a surprise.
The sight of Yuffie with a glass of wine was something bigger than that.
She swirled it carefully, the red liquid as dark as blood in the dim light. Sniffing it lightly, she took a careful sip and grimaced. “You know what, they lied. That doesn’t help at all. This tastes worse than whisky and I didn’t think that was possible.”
Vincent merely shrugged, neither agreeing nor disagreeing.
Cloud cleared his throat.
Unsurprised, Yuffie merely glanced up and grinned. “Hiya, Cloud!”
Her glass was still clearly visible. She didn’t even make a move to hide the bottle at her feet. Cloud glanced at her, then at the still slumbering Barret and Tifa. Clenching his jaw, he approached Yuffie. At least he could claim plausible deniability. “Aren’t you a little young for that?”
Unrepentant, she winked. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”
Cloud glanced at Vincent, who was usually the voice of reason in trying times. Who was also clearly allowing this by the way he merely stared back, his expression as unreadable as ever. For a silent, cryptic, if dependable man, he oddly seemed to enjoy Yuffie the loudmouth’s company. Vincent merely inclined his head. “She’s old enough to kill.”
Somehow, Cloud knew that logic wouldn’t fly in front of Barret and Tifa. “That isn’t—”
“He’s right! If I can do that other shit, then why not this?” Yuffie held out her glass, an obvious attempt at a bribe. “Have some. We’ll split the bottle.”
Cloud resisted the urge to rub his forehead. “Split? I thought you didn’t like it.”
“I don’t,” Yuffie agreed easily. “But I hear it’s an acquired taste. Also, and more importantly, we can’t leave any evidence.”
Strangely enough, that was the most sensible suggestion he’d heard so far. Well, if he couldn’t beat them, he might as well join them. Cloud sighed as he sat down and took the glass. “You really shouldn’t.”
“Plenty of things we shouldn’t do.” Yuffie poured herself another glass and held it out. “Now you’re an accomplice. Cheers!”
vi.
High up on the Highwind, it was easy to forget the world below existed. On the deck, there were only the clouds above and the wind blowing through Cloud’s hair. Nothing else existed, whether it was the problems on earth or his personal ones inside.
The door creaked behind him and Cloud stiffened. As usual, reality had a way of intruding.
“There you are!”
Though, at least this time it was a pleasant surprise. He relaxed at the familiar notes of Tifa’s voice, the sound of homecoming he’d recognized even when he still couldn’t remember everything about himself. Cloud glanced over his shoulder as she stepped out onto the deck, a dark bottle in her hand, two glasses in the other.
She smiled gently as she joined him and leaned against the railing. “I had a feeling you’d be up here.”
“A feeling?”
Tifa shook her head as her hair blew in her face, trying to remove the irritating strands. “Yeah, don’t know why. Just thought you’d be here.” She lowered her voice and asked softly, “How are you feeling?”
“Strange.” Cloud brushed her hair away from her face, the movement both familiar and strange. She was both Tifa the little girl on the water tower and Tifa the woman from Midgar. She was the teenager guiding him with a smile and the jaded adult who had lost her place in the world.
And Cloud didn’t know who he was. She had helped him piece together his memories, to pull apart Zack and Sephiroth and everything else that had shattered his memories. And yet, he still felt a little jumbled, a little lost.
A little uncertain on just what remained.
“Thanks.” Tifa shifted the glasses to one hand as she tucked the stray locks behind her ear. “That’s not a bad thing, you know? After all you’ve been through, I’d have been surprised if you’d said something else.”
Understanding didn’t make it any easier. Cloud glanced at the bottle in her hand and changed the topic. “Gin?”
“Oh.” Tifa flushed and rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. “I…just ignore this. Barret shoved it in my hand before I came here. Something about how you can’t have a real talk without alcohol.” She chuckled wryly. “I think he forgot just how many drunks I’ve dealt with.”
Unbidden, Cloud remembered a night in a flower garden, a beer bottle in his hand. “He said that to me too once.”
“Oh really? Full of bad advice, isn’t he?” Tifa carefully returned the glasses to her free hand. Her expression softened and she smiled sadly. “Actually, you know, Aerith said that too once. I guess they can’t both be wrong.”
Guilt flooded him and Tifa snapped her attention to him immediately. She winced. “Sorry, I didn’t—”
He shook his head and grunted, “It’s fine.”
“It’s not.” She squared her shoulders and stared at him, her gaze steely. “It’s also not your fault. And she wouldn’t want you to think so either.”
He looked away. “That…”
“Maybe we really do need a drink.” Tifa all but forced the glasses into his hand before tugging off the gin’s cap. Her hands were steady as she poured. “I think you’ll like this, but…I guess I don’t really know what you drink anymore. Back at the bar, was that something you liked, or Zack?”
Faintly, he remembered the last time they’d shared a drink like this, a bright moment where she’d shown off her skills. Cloud shrugged as he watched her set the bottle down at her feet, as she took a glass back.
“I don’t know.” That felt like the answer to everything these days. What did he like? Dislike? Who was Cloud? What did he want? He felt even more lost than he had all those years ago, when he’d realized his dreams of becoming a S.O.L.D.I.E.R. were impossible.
“Then I guess we’ll have to find out,” Tifa replied firmly, breaking him from his thoughts. She leaned closer, forcing him to look at her. “After everything’s done, we’ll find out. That’s something to look forward to, right?”
He didn’t know what to say to that. A small knot in his chest eased.
As usual, she noticed. Tifa smiled and clinked her glass to against his. “Before I forget…welcome back.”
vii.
The church was empty. It was empty and abandoned and broken beyond belief. Despite the months they’d been away, it was like nothing had changed, and Cloud didn’t know if he should feel disappointed or relieved.
Aerith’s loss should have had a bigger impact.
The world still spun on.
His footsteps were too loud as he crossed the wooden floor. The planks cracked and groaned. Maybe he’d gather the others later and they’d repair this place. They could fix everything except for the holes in the roof; he could almost hear Aerith telling him how her flowers needed the light.
Somehow, even in her absence, the flowers bloomed brightly in the gloom. They were unchanged by the threats Midgar faced, the destruction that almost rained down on the planet. Cloud stared at the flower patch in front of him. The red ribbon wrapped around his arm felt tight.
“I’m sorry, I’m late,” he apologized before pulling out his sword and planting it firmly in the patch.
No one replied. No one ever would. Cloud pulled out a small flask and sat down in front of the sword. He poured a little in front of the sword, a little on a flower, and then took a sip himself.
And in his mind’s eye, Zack and Aerith clinked their glasses against his flask.
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