bad news: i have to work like every weekend this month

good news: i’ll be a coauthor on a paper and thus have a publication before i submit grad school applications

mediocre news: it wont be my project’s paper

...

There is just this rage that comes with realizing your body is just completely fucked while still outwardly looking Fine.

And then garnering the judgement of family who have convinced themselves you’re not trying hard enough.

And still waiting for a finished diagnosis to try petitioning for life-long physical therapy, pain management (that are NOT opioids when you can’t take nsaids, and you’re deemed too young for steroid injections especially as it is never brought up as an option), and ssi disability. Because what else are you gonna do. Especially when you’ll always be a burden. Capitalistic life isn’t designed to allow you to rest so you can still do Something within your limitations and not get injured, anyway. Or have energy left for yourself.

(No one is really clever enough to help, either. Is it even worth the risk to try contacting rehabilitation services when you need to stay on medicaid for a eventually-debilitating auto immune disease that has to have very expensive injections twice a month, all the while it’s the hypermobility that makes even being a student or hobbies or chores so iffy?)

And then trying to befriend some people. But there’s this wall there. They radiate concern. Sometimes affection. But I don’t want pity. (I don’t know how to accept actual sympathy to my face by their vibes and tone and body language, anyway.) I just want secure friendships. I just want—for once in my adult life, or my life period if including neurodivergence’s and the resulting cptsd from not even remotely accepting environments—to not be my Problems. Someone else’s Problem.

I just want to be human. I want to have fun and feel capable and not blunderingly or intentionally reminded that I’m not.

(Am I even worth being someone not pitied? Not judged? Will I ever be fun?)

i feel like im going insane everyday there’s more horrific videos coming out of gaza and on the same platform the fucking democrats tweet a photo collage of LITERAL WAR CRIMINALS captioned “proudly in our protecting freedoms era 💙”

Its so much fun when other pieces of media I read influence me to have certain hcs for characters in other pieces of media

Like for example, just like his inability to dream, I hc that Chuuya, as a result the intense trauma from the lab that he's repressed the memories of, actually sleep walks quite a bit and has for years and he's entirely unaware of it!

And I get that headcanon from a part of the story of A Stepmother's Märchen where the main character Shuri sleepwalks due to repressed trauma, God I love that manhwa so much

I have many, sleep headcanons for Chuuya and this is only one of them. They're all bad btw, I refuse to believe that man actually gets proper sleep without taking something. And even then, it's not really "proper" sleep, he just passes out for longer than usual

Should we expect another chapter of Dale this weekend, or is it next weekend?

@roolsilver

this coming weekend is officially a Dale weekend. i should have put up the next Free Piano chapter this past sunday, but i'm behind (which is why Dale basically posted an entire week late).

work is still really busy (i'm at the office right now)

my plan though is that i'm gonna prioritize Dale and then post a few off sunday Free Piano parts to get back to my original schedule for that story, hopefully within a week or two cuz i'm also trying to do nanowrimo? which is probably a mistake? and work likely isn't gonna slow down, though i'm trying to catch back up with that too

i just don't want to get behind on Dale because January-March is The Busy Season for my work and i will be on hiatus for probably all writing during those months (which i did last year and is why there was that big gap between Part 3 and Part 4 lol) it might be more mid-Jan to mid-April but still a three month hiatus

I don’t know what the hell is going on at work and I’m wise enough not to ask right now

Nabor has that kind of office that's "cosy" aka you keep bumping your hips on the furniture corners

Reminder that my OC is too a salamander that eats shit like glass and diamonds too to fuel fires (Or in Glowmon’s case their light and radioactivity) that I made before the gecko episode came out.

...

.

really small companies are so sucks, like oh we're all buddies here we're all friends, nobody is ever ever going to send an email or even just have a quick announcement about any updates ever, just hope that youre within earshot whenever any important information is being conveyed to literally one guy<3

People missing me and actually wanting to see me? Gotta be a lie

my habit of never showing too much strong negative emotion around most people kinda fucks me in this specific scenario bc my professors never know how much i’m suffering

When your mom is going to vote for trump and you you didn’t know if she knew about project 25 or agenda 47 so you tell her and she said she already knows about that and keeps saying that trump was the only president to legalize gay marriage and has done more for the black community than the rest of the presidents and you say that you’re party of the lgbtqia community and he’s basically gonna kill you and she says that again so you leave to your room and start crying then she screams your name a couple times and scream your name loud so unfortunately you can’t pretend you didn’t hear her so once you’re in the kitchen she says “so you’re gay you said you’re gay” and you respond “no” and she says “so you’re bi” and you say “I already told you what I am months ago what I am” and she was like so “you’re gay you’re bi” and you say once again “no you already know what i am this isn’t funny why’re you asking this” she says “I’m not joking at your young age you need to experiment” as if I don’t know myself without being in a relationship like I don’t need to experiment or be in a relationship of any kind to know who I am so now you’re just trying not to cry and it’s not working