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michibikionmain · 3 years

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This isn’t THE tommyinnit villain essay but it sure is one of them

Ok ok so 4 those of u who aren't on discord with me: i have two main essays that have been in the works for MONTHS, these being my Complete Dream character analysis essay going in-depth for nearly all of his canon interactions and finding his character traits and motivations through the story, and my Tommyinnit (and Wilbur Soot) were Always The Villains on the server essay talking about how the only reason so many people view them as the good guys or heroes is because we see the story from their perspective mainly. This essay? Is not either of those. BUT, it does go through a lot of my thoughts on Tommy and Dream’s characters so I figured I’d post it. maybe itll help me organize my thoughts 4 my Mega Projects lol

@ranboocore bc u helped me pop off on this so hard LMAO

Warning, it’s VERY Tommy Critical, what a suprise. I do not like Tommy as a character lol. idk what triggers yall might need me to tag but if u need one in particular pls lmn!

My biggest issue with tommy's character is that he SAYS hes learned but he never does he is exactly the same person he was at the start of the server just More Sad and with Trauma, when out of all the characters he's had the most push to change. c!Tommy is a very tell-don't-show character which can make it hard for some people to connect to him, especially those who don’t directly share his trauma or see themselves in his character. Of course, there is still a MASSIVE amount of people who relate to his struggles and thus love him regardless of his writing, but those who can't relate to him will always feel some kind of barrier until the things they've talked about are actually shown to the viewer instead of being spoon-fed to them.

It is a very beginner writing thing, and I'm hoping that Tommy is figuring out how to fix this, maybe with support from the many other writers on the server. There's the 3 you mentioned, plus fundy, niki, and maybe tubbo who also play dnd, plus Dream who said he would've been an English major and does a lot of personal writing for fun. I think the biggest issue in the writing lies in the individual ccs being inexperienced in the medium, particularly with planning out their own character growth.

Another glaring issue I have with c!Tommy is how he's framed to be sympathetic and he goes through all these horrible things without acknowledging his role in any of them. The things that have happened to him are a direct result of his actions, but the thing is HE won't acknowledge and so it falls flat. This isn’t to say that being abused is his fault, because it’s NEVER the vicitm’s fault, but being exiled? His multiple fights with c!Dream? His friendships falling apart? Losing the disks in the first place? They’re the direct consequences of HIS OWN actions, but he never acknowledges this and constantly just... brushes off any accountability by either saying that it’s Dream fault or simply SAYING he feels bad without properly showing it through redemption and GROWTH.

Denial is useful in storytelling sometimes, but Tommy's character has been in denial since the very beginning of the server and at this point it's just exhausting. He only ever switches between denial and depression, not really going through all 5 stages of grief properly. His violent/upset reactions would be more powerful if they were any different from how tommy usually acts, but this is always how he is. When he “lashes out” because he’s reached the end of his patience, it doesn’t SEEM like the snap it is because that’s just... it’s seriously just his standard reaction to everything. It hold no WEIGHT to see c!Tommy yell at someone violently or threaten to fight them because he does that anyways!

Static characters can be a good thing, and can be interesting if done correctly, but not every character SHOULD or CAN be static in a story.

Static characters need to have their position or behavior challenged and question, where they look into if the way they see and interact with the world is really the 'correct' one or just evaluated to see if they truly believe in them. This questioning period is CRUCIAL! and NEEDS to be well done in a way that ACTIVELY SHOWS the conflict between the two ideals. If they decide to hold onto their beliefs/continue their behavior then, it feels deserved, because rather than just being a flat "they do thing its who they are" they have defined WHY. WHY is a very important question to think of when telling the difference between dynamic and static characters. The why of a character is ESSENTIAL to developing them as a relatable, sympathetic person rather than a flat story telling device. It makes them a human rather than a puppet. When a character's motives aren't well defined or discussed, they're doomed to fall flat in everything else, because the WHY is the foundation of what makes them who they are.

c!Tommy has an underdeveloped "why", his motivations are weak, rarely properly discussed and when they are it doesn't particularly stick with him. His motivations change without showing us the internal struggle that should come from literally shifting your driving principles. There are some good MOMENTS of him reevaluating the importance of certain things, but they're so spread out and contradictory and immediately spat one that they're hard to piece together. He TELLS us what his motivations are as well, which is another big flaw when it comes to all that but we don't have time to unpack all THAT Anyways, the key to static story telling is reaffirmation. The character goes through a complete journey and ends with the same beliefs because they've looked into why they have them and determined that they still matter to them. A great example of static writing in my eyes is c!Techno, who since the beginning has believed that governments are bad. c!Techno enters the server to destroy a government, and still ends up doing that because he sees and we see him experience that the reasons he didn't like government before still hold true and he has no reason to support them any more than before, and so his anarchist beliefs are REAFFIRMED, proving to him that they way he handles things is the right one for him.

c!Tommy’s attachments are all just... they're all so weird. like he LITERALLY SACRIFICES HIS LIFE MULTIPLE TIMES for L'manburg. By action of sacrifice it seems like it should be the most important thing to him, but then he throws it away for some disks that mattered less to him just a minute ago. But then it's all about how c!Tubbo is worth more than Anything and maybe he's found something more important! but then he shoves THAT out the window for the discs again ig!!! but then it's about l’manburg again? Make it make sense.... pls....

Here's smth that really irks me about Tommy's character, and is kind of weird but give me a second to explain: Tommy has never actually permanently lost much of anything on the server. Every punishment he's ever received he's tried to find some way around. And like... I'm not expecting him to be HAPPY to face the consequences of his actions but seeing him constantly have his cake and eat it too is very irritating, especially when there are characters who DO have to deal with actual permanent sacrifices. The whole thing with the disks. where he WILLINGLY OFFERED THEM UP AND GAVE THEM AWAY THEN SPENT FOREVER TRYING TO STEAL THEM BACK WHILE CLAIMING DREAM STOLE THEM FROM HIM, is the biggest example of this, but it's generally his characters way of dealing with things. He's very backhanded and conniving, constantly calling himself "big man" except for when he wants things from people and he plays up the "iM a MiNoR" card to try and get them to give him things or feel bad. He's not just some sweet innocent kid like people paint him, he knows damn well he's messed up and while he SAYS he feels bad about it, he has never once really shown, with his ACTIONS, regret for what he's done except for the stuff with c!Sapnap, which could it could be argued he did because he thought it would help get c!Sapnap on his side to fight Dream and he knew c!Sapnap was a skilled warrior and could possibly be persuaded to fight with dream.

c!Tommy is in NO way some sweet innocent child, he knows what he's doing. He KNEW l'manburg was a drug empire, and wanted to turn his hotel into the same He was FULLY prepared to just murder c!Schlatt for legally winning an election that he KNEW was rigged AND INTENDED TO HELP RIG HE LITERALLY TEAMED UP WITH c!TECHNOBLADE KNOWING THAT HE INTENDED TO BLOW UP L'MANBURG AND ONLY LEFT WHEN HE REALIZED IT WASN'T GOING TO ACTUALLY HELP HIM--

The line of c!Wilbur saying "Tommy, are we the bad guys?" wasn't him mentally going batshit it was him realizing that the entire time they've been doing terrible things. c!Wilbur was literally ALWAYS Vilbur but the time people CALL Vilbur is when c!Will himself realized he was a villain.

#like. VERY critical #i do not like the child can you tell?#im sorry tommy fans but i am not one of you #and before you ask: Yes I have and do watch his perspective of the SMP just so i can try to understand his thought process #dream smp #dsmp #dream smp analysis #dsmp analysis #critical analysis #prince/pea and i pop off about this so much LOL #this is the first of MANY essays/collective analysis bits ive written about Tommy #lets see how many ill have by the time i finish going through the discord #tommyinnitcritical #discourse #ig. i saw a lot of ppl asking 4 this tag on similar posts so i thought id add it?

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golbrocklovely · 4 years

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only the lonely survive // colby brock - chapter twenty-four: i’ve been missing you, it’s true

A/N: wow... it has been so LONG since i posted OTLS. sorry about that, i just needed a break from this story. i also needed to plan out how the rest of the story is going to play out, and i think i’m almost there. but anyway, i hope you enjoy this chapter! sorry it’s a bit short, but i’m gonna try to post the next chapter next week at some point. thank you all for the love you have sent me for this story and for all of my stories. you guys are awesome :)

description of the story

taglist: @ajosieface , @localsleeper , @julyrubyrose , @far-to-many-bands , @absolute-randomness-forever

trigger warning: cursing??, mostly fluff

word count: 1222

~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Month Later

“…Alright, I’m gonna answer like one or two more questions and then I’m gonna get off.” I stated, my eyes on the camera.

I glanced down at my chat, looking for some questions to answer. Most were just people asking for shout outs and what not. Finally, I landed on one that had been asked the entire time I was doing this live.

Are you and Colby a thing?

I breathed, trying to ignore the butterflies that erupted in my stomach at the mere mention of his name.

“No. Me and Colby are not a thing. We’re really good friends. I mean, I’m friends with all the Trap House boys so… but yeah, me and Colby aren’t together.” A tight-lipped smile came to my face.

After I mentioned Colby, all hell broke loose. Everyone started mentioning him in some way or another. Some were telling people to stop mentioning him in my livestreams, some were saying I was lying, some were just saying me and him should be together.

“Okay everyone. I think I’m gonna call it a day. I got some editing to get done, plus I got work later tonight so… I’ll talk to yall later. Thanks for a good live!” I waved at the screen, giving a peace sign and ending the live.

I exhaled deeply, clicking my phone off and flopping onto my bed.

The last time I had seen Colby was over a month ago. Since I left LA, we had been texting and calling each other nonstop. Colby had asked me multiple times if I could come out to LA before he went on tour, which was going to be in a week or so. I told him I couldn’t, as much as I desperately wanted to see him.

He asked if there was any way he could buy me tickets to fly me out, especially since we both agreed that I would be staying at the Trap House if I could come. I denied him every time, saying I wouldn’t be able to accept a gift that big.

Even though it was tempting as all hell.

None of this was helped by the fact that his (and kind of mine) fans were posting of us constantly. I had seen fan edits of us, manips, and accounts dedicated to our relationship. It was really cute, don’t get me wrong, but all it did was make me miss him more.

I really just wanted to see him again.

A soft knock at my door brought me out of my thoughts. I turned towards my door, mumbling a ‘come in’. My Mom’s head popped around the corner.

“Hey honey? How are you doing?” She asked sweetly.

I shrugged. “I’m okay. I just finished the livestream.”

“How’d that go?” She stepped inside, getting closer to me.

“It was good. A lot of the fans were asking about Colby again.” I huffed.

“You really miss him, don’t you?” She questioned, a sad smile appearing on her face.

I nodded my head. “Yeah. I can’t stop thinking about him. I know we talk every day, but I really want to see him face-to-face, you know?”

My Mom sat down on my bed. “Well, I know you’ve been feeling down lately, so I wanted to get you something.”

“Aw, mom. You didn’t have to.” I cooed.

“Yes, I did. You’re my daughter and I hate seeing you so upset.” She pulled a pink paper bag out from behind her, placing it on my lap.

I pushed the tissue paper aside, pulling out the first little gift. It was a tiny bottle of my favorite perfume.

“Thanks, I was almost out of this.” I added.

The next gift was a tiny bottle of shampoo.

“Wait, this is so cute. Isn’t this like travel size or something?” I suggested.

My Mom grinned. “Yeah it is.”

The next was a travel size bottle of body wash, wipes, deodorant, and some snacks.

“This is all so sweet, Mom. Thank you.” I praised.

“There’s one more thing. There’s a card at the bottom.” She revealed, pointing at the bag.

I pursed my lips as I dug to the bottom, finding the card. It was in a lime green envelope, with my name on it. I yanked the card out, and the front said ‘Happy Graduation’ in big bold letters.

“I graduated months ago, Mom.” I laughed.

I slowly opened the card, a prewritten message of ‘The world is now your oyster! Go travel the see for new adventures!’ was on the one side. The other side just had the words ‘Look Up’ written in my Mom’s handwriting.

I cocked my head to the side, but slowly lifted my head to look at my Mom. In her hands were two plane tickets.

“Wait what?” I puzzled.

“I know you’ve been missing Colby a lot this past month, and I figured with the extra money I made with my side business, I could buy you this as a late graduation present.” She confessed, a light smile on her face.

I took the tickets from her hands, looking at them closely. Her words hadn’t registered in my head until I saw ‘Philadelphia to Los Angeles’.

“Oh my God!!” I screamed, jumping up and hugging my Mom tightly.

She let out a loud laugh as I let go of her and started jumping up and down in excitement.

“Wait when do I leave?” I inquired.

“In a week. I made sure to line it up with your work, since next week you only work one day, so I figure you can call out for that.” She explained.

“And I’m there for…?” I glanced down at the tickets.

“A week, as well.” She informed.

“Mom, you don’t know how badly I needed this.” I sang.

“Yes I do. I’ve heard your phone conversations with Colby.” She admitted.

I whined jokingly. “Mom!”

“What? I’m nosey.” She smirked. “Besides, if I have to hear another minute of you talking about Colby and how much you miss him, I might go crazy.”

I grabbed my Mom and embraced her again. “Thank you, Mommy.”

“No problem, sweetie.” She whispered.

As she left my room, I grabbed my phone. I thought about calling Colby and letting him know I was coming to see him, but then I thought of a better plan.

I scrolled to Sam’s number and called him.

“Hey Skye, what’s up?” Sam greeted.

I couldn’t hold in my excitement. “So… my mom bought me tickets to LA.”

Sam gasped. “What?! That’s great. Colby hasn’t mentioned anything.”

“I haven’t told him.” I answered.

“Why?” He queried.

I bit my lip. “I was thinking of surprising him.”

“Ooh, that sounds cool.” He remarked.

“I’m not flying out for another week, and I was wondering if maybe you could get me at the airport, and we could surprise Colby together.” I requested.

“I’m up for it. And also, thank God you’re coming out here. Colby will not shut up about you.” He disclosed.

I beamed. “Really?”

“Yeah. I’ve never heard him talk about a girl this much before in my life.” Sam continued, deadpanning. “Now I understand why he gets annoyed when I talk about Kat so much.”

I giggled. “Alright. So, it’s set. I’ll see you in a week, Samuel.”

“See you then, Skye.” Sam replied.

<< CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 25 >>

#colby brock #colby brock fanfiction #colby brock story #colby brock fanfic #colby brock fic #colby brock fluff #sam golbach #colby brock x oc #only the lonely survive

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smellycinnamonthundahfudge · 4 years

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twas tagged by both @parallelmarvel and @tare8chan. i actually cant believe i was hhaha i’m aiming to be the legit writer worthy of this tag game other writers participated in. think u for thanking of meh 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Author Name: smellycinnamonthundahfudge on tumblr, AND JUST IN, I’M petertheparkerpus_mjmonogram ON AO3 YALLLSSSS. I FINALLY CAME THEEERREEE YYAAAYYYYY

Fandom You Write For: predominantly mcu’s spideychelle. (i also wrote tz stuff back then heh). but, i have also written (but not posted) for hiccstrid, got, darejones, simmosa, incredibles 2, and bughead hahaha.

Where You Post: i started on tumblr, so literally all of the works i wanted to share are on here. buuttt, like i said, I JUST GOT AN AO3 ACCOUNT YALLSSS. i’ve posted my first pj fics on there for now, but i havent posted em all yet so i am now beginning the process of importing em. im excited :’’’)))

Most Popular One-Shot: Take Flight (peter & mj’s flight home from the ffh trip, click for a nervous jelly peter hehehe)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: hhmmm, ok, so i’m not even sure if it classifies as a multi-chapter haha but i think so cus i wrote them as a continuous story in mind haha. i posted the “chapters” separately but i like to imagine it was just one story, Safehouse Sleepovers (consists of Safehouse, Safehouse Singalongs, and Hot chocolate). it’s my only multi-chapter story (not even sure if it classifies as one haha) so de facto most popular one hahaha. oh and it’s essentially a canon compliant post ffh fic bout pj bonding in the parkers’ safehouse hehe. (oh but i guess maybe the newly named airports could also be considered multi-chapter, is 2 chaps enough to call it that? haha so dunno maybe i take back the only mc story thing haha. it’s still the more popular one tho cus airports i wrote before ffh even came out haha)

Favorite Story You Wrote: oof this is a hard one... ooohhh, i feeelll like i gotta, just gotta go with 5 + 1 gifts and Just Breathe cus they’re just so precious 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 but tbh i luv all of em. just as whole fics, they seem better to me haha

Story You Were Nervous to Post: ALL BRUHHH i mean im just not that confident with my works yet haha. buttt the one i was rlly the most nervous about was Home for the Holidays cus it was my first time writing with an actual person in mind to write it for haha. plus, it was the first fic i wrote after pj month so oof gods was i rusty by the time i wrote it hahaha haaysst. i think it was ok enough tho. plus they said it was good so yay. im just glad i actually did it haha.

How Do You Choose Your Titles: eh just whatevs i feel is catchy and is a good concise nice indicator of the plot heh. hhmm i feel like i usually come up with titles during the brainstorming process for the fic, like before actually writing it or while writing it.

How Many of Your Stories Are:

Complete: if im counting the “chapters” i mentioned earlier as one story each, then probs round 24. i say probs cus there’s some fics i wrote somewhere, where i feel like i finished em but i dont have access to them currently so im not 100 if it’s complete by my standards or nah haha

In-Progress: hhhhmmm im not sure if it’s write to call these in-progress. i’d rather call em unfinished, like i have 16 unfinished stories, or just written out story outlines. im not sure if i should call em in progress cus im not sure if i even still rlly plan to finish em, yknow? haha like they really are genuinely fun interesting n creative story ideas n plans thus far, i feel. but i just- lazy, yknow? haha i have to build up to writing a story for A LOONGG TIME haha

Coming Soon: hehehehe. technically it’s completed already, all i have to do is just make the post on tumblr hehe (as of the moment i wrote this post). im so excited for yalls to read The Bathroom hihihi <333

Upcoming Story You’re Most Excited to Write: oofff im not even sure if im actually gonna wind up writing these buuuut, dancing pj still seems so cute n pure n fun. and also, in addition to the countless other aus my annoying brain came up with on pj month, my brain annoyingly got even more fic ideas rolling around it now:

a moulin rouge au (peter’s the famous singer/dancer known as the spider-man who attracts men and women alike in the famous moulin rouge run by liz toomes with a gallery of other colorful rogues, heroes, villains, and just other sorts of attractive characters based on the comicbooks of old. mj is a young new budding writer looking to gain world experience to write about. she winds up in the moulin rouge, meets the infamous spider-man and gets to know the kind man behind the alluring and mysterious mask. im imagining tom’s lsb, laura’s hollywood, and z’s halloween euphoria ep costume for the aesthetic im going for haha. im still torn on whether to keep the og ending or not hahahaha)

maybe a friends with benefits fic. where it’s not so angsty or full of drama. and genuinely just keeping it cool and chill til they inevitably just decide to actually get together/stay friends. it’s all up in the air and they’ll figure it out when they figure it out.

producers inspired, roommates au. the kdrama did the trope well and it made me want to see it applied to my two dorks 🥺🥺🥺🥺

lastly, a first time fic for our two dorky virgins hahaha. i kinda like the idea of them planning out their first time to the most minute of details and just the actual process of figuring out what they want to do n stuff haha just seems real cute to me 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Do You Accept Prompts: hahahhaha look, i’m never one to say no ok? i mean, if i just straight up say no, im possibly saying no to potential ideas that are so inspiring i wind up writing it immediately. so yes, i’d like to say im willing to accept prompts. however, there is absolutely no guaranteed follow up and for that i’m sorry. i can just never know how i’ll react to an idea so there ya go. that’s my honest response haha.

im taggin the fic writers ive read over the years that havent been tagged by the ones that tagged me. hold my juice box. @spideymjlove @jediparkers @itsjacobperalta @thatsnicebutimmarried @bookishandbossy @thefudge @galaxy-parker @spideychelle-romanogers @spiders-n @petty-parker @smalltreenergy @dead-end-street @softboyholland @mamgt @justanotherfangirlpassingthrough @machiavelien @peterjonesparker @blaisezabini @thegreenwomanswalkman @crazy4dragons @dragonydreams @attachedtomybookshelf @haddocksortails @dyannehs @funkytoes @jenni41 @rebelcaptaindaily @starxdust22 no presh obvi. just thought dis might peak yalls interest. thanks for all that you’ve writtteeennnn 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 🥺🥺🥺🥺 (btw some of yalls might have just written hcs for all i know, i literally dunno anymore, but like i said iz nbd. just also wanted to give my thanks since im not entirely sure i was able to do so before)

#important #jazzessments

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watchmegetobsessed · 5 years

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Shawn Mendes // Boundaries Part 11

HAPPY EFFING 2019 YOU GUYS!!! hope yall had a great night, mine was pretty chill but honestly i loved it haha. anyways, here is part 11 to celebrate the new year!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10

Going home the next morning feels like going to my own funeral. Everyone is so quiet, no one dares to say a word to us and I guess this has something to do with how we look and act.

On our way to the airport we are basically inseparable, we never let go of each other’s hand, I’m so clingy normally I would feel ashamed, but Shawn is the exact same. I’m constantly on the verge of crying, but I’m trying my best to look tough and I also don’t want any photos of me with red and puffy eyes. We have to make it look like we are more in love than ever, which is kinda true, but also, we only have hours left together.

Shawn doesn’t try to change my mind though I really thought he would at least make an attempt in the morning hoping I softened through the night, but for my biggest surprise, he says nothing. Instead, he is trying to use our final hours together wisely just like me. Neither of us sleeps on the flight, we share a seat and watch the clouds swimming under the jet in silence, we share kisses from time to time, but it’s mostly just us silently enjoying having the other one close for the last time.

Shawn cancelled on our last appointment on Sunday, he called Andrew and told him he isn’t feeling too well so the interview got postponed to a later date. I’m happy I don’t have to see him once more, saying goodbye is already hard enough, I don’t know if I would have enough strength in me to spend one more day with him without breaking down in tears.

Arriving back to New York Shawn puts on his best fake smile as he takes selfies with the fans waiting for him while I go straight to our car. Ten minutes later he follows and we are on our way to my place. My stomach is in a knot, my throat is dry as I’m staring out of the window, Shawn’s hand still holding mine and I’m thinking about what I should say to him before walking out of his life. I’m cursing myself for making it this hard, I should have been smarter.

When the driver stops in front of the café, our usual spot he suddenly gets out of the car and stands next to it as Shawn turns to me. I guess he asked him to give us some privacy beforehand.

“I guess this is our goodbye,” I mumble under my breath, already feeling the tears dwelling in my eyes.

“I want you to promise me one thing,” he starts looking into my eyes and I nod. “Call me if you need help. With anything. Even if it’s the slightest problem ever, I want you to know that you can always count on me, okay?”

Feeling a tear rolling down my cheek I smile at him sadly as I nod.

“Okay,” I whisper.

“And… if you change your mind in the future… about us… just call me,” he adds and I can’t help but chuckle. He did try for one last time after all.

Cupping his face I pull him into one last kiss and it turns out longer and more passionate than what I planned, but I don’t mind. I let his tongue dominate mine, he is nibbling down on my lip gently and I moan into his mouth, all kind of emotions mixing in me at the same time.

“I love you,” he whispers to me once we part and he rests his forehead against mine. I’m shutting my eyes closed tight and I fight the urge to say it back immediately. If I say it now, I feel like I won’t be able to get out of the car and leave him behind. “It’s fine,” he smiles at me when I open my eyes. “I’m happy I got to meet you. Take care, Naya.”

“You too, Shawn,” I smile as I reach for the handle and using everything in me I turn away from him and get out of the car.

I avoid looking at him one more time, I just start walking. I hear the driver getting back into the car and when I hear the car’s engine starting again I turn around and watch the black Range Rover drive away and then disappear from my sight.

My days without Shawn are just one dark blur from the moment I get home after Paris. All my stuff gets delivered to my place and he even let me keep the dresses I wore to the fashion shows. I want to call him to say thank you so badly, but I decide not to.

The next Friday we have the Assembly, everyone gets their new deals and clients, except me. Joshua explains to me that I need to lay low for a while, so I get signed up for shifts in the Nook as a hostess and I’m honestly happy I don’t have to get back to my usual work. I don’t think I would be able to work with another client so soon.

I spend a lot of time with Elisa and the kids. I volunteer to babysit as much as possible, and when Riley asks about Shawn my heart breaks every time. I tell her she’ll meet him again soon, and I hate myself for lying to a kid, but I guess these lies are making me feel better as well. Playing with the thought of seeing him again occurs to me often and it’s soothing to think about possible alternative universes where we are still seeing each other.

But no matter what I do, how hard I’m trying to keep myself occupied nothing really eases the numbing pain I constantly feel in my chest. I spend all my freetime in my room, mostly sleeping, because this is the only time I can avoid thinking about Shawn, but sometime my brain finds a way to torture me in my dreams too, because I often wake up in the middle of the night looking for him besides me only to find no one in bed with me. I usually can’t fall back to sleep when this happens so I just lie in bed awake, staring at the ceiling until the Sun comes up.

The money gets transferred to me on Monday, after we parted and in the following days I do what I’ve been doing for months. I transfer almost the whole amount to different accounts that belong to people that I owe to. When I finish I have just the right amount of money to get through the month, but at least I have the thought that I took a huge step closer to my freedom with this money as I was able to pay back a lot more than I usually am capable of.

It’s the third week now and I’m somehow feeling more… normal. Everyday things don’t take as much effort as they did in the past weeks. I’m on my way to the Nook for my night shift, Elisa is with her client tonight and I’m just hoping Josie is in tonight so I can hang out with her in my breaks.

The dim lighting and loud music with a chest banging bass feels like the best place on Earth tonight. I woke up a bit dizzy today, felt like I was about to throw up, but I’m pretty sure it’s because I ate a whole pack of salty crackers before going to be and my stomach just couldn’t deal with it properly. But now I’m all good.

I put my stuff down and get changed before sitting in front of my mirror to put on some more makeup and my black pixie cut wig that helps me keep my identity hidden and no one recognizes me as Shawn’s mystery girlfriend, who is by the way very much missed lately.

Yes, I kind of got obsessed with reading gossip sites since we parted our ways, I’m very ashamed of it, but I couldn’t resist. We went from one hundred to zero pretty quickly and I needed a daily dose of info about him to keep me sane, this is when I started browsing these sites and searched for his name. I read articles about him, saw paparazzi photos of him and the guys leaving places, he apparently spent a lot of time with them after our split and I checked his social media profiles regularly. Every time I saw a new post from him my heart started racing and stared at the photos he posted for an hour at least. I’m not proud of the way I’ve been acting, but I think I’ve been doing better in the past couple days and I can actually see a time when I’m not thinking about him for an entire day.

“Honey! I didn’t know you’d be in tonight!”

Josie’s chirpy voice snaps me out of my thoughts as I see her in the mirror, standing behind me in her neon pink dress that she paired with blue thigh high boots and a pearly necklace. Honestly, I have no idea where she gets these stuff.

I smile at her putting the eye-pencil down and turning around I get up to give her a hug.

“Hi J, I’m glad to see you.”

“You are looking better tonight, Sweetheart. How are you?” She gives me a knowing look and I just shrug my shoulders.

After the Assembly I stayed for half a shift at the club, but I wasn’t feeling too good. Josie found me crying in the bathroom and I told her everything. She listened to me whine about how much I’m missing Shawn and that I don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way I love him. I cried for long minutes choking on the words and cursing myself for being so stupid. When I was finally breathing somehow normally Josie gave me the best pep-talk of history. She didn’t try to tell me to just forget about it and stop thinking about him, because it’s obviously the shittiest thing to say. She sat with me on the floor and told me:

“I know how much it hurts. It will hurt, for a long time, but you are strong enough to put up with it. Breaking doesn’t mean you will never feel better, it’s just a temporary thing now. Cry for as long as you want, scream or shout, whatever makes you feel better, but also be patient with yourself. You will get through this and if in weeks you still feel like you can’t get over him, we will figure something out. But time can heal everything and I believe you’ll feel better soon.”

She covered for me for another hour until I somehow covered my puffy eyes and stopped crying. I knew she was right and I just did what she told and I decided to be patient with myself. Three weeks into my No-Shawn life and I’m starting to feel better, just like she told me I would.

“I’m doing okay,” I say as I let go of her and she fixes my wig a bit giving me a proud smile.

“Good. You look stunning, I’m sure you’ll break some hearts tonight.” She winks at me giving my arm a squeeze.

Half an hour later I’m out with my best fake smile as I serve cocktails to a group of men sitting in the VIP section in their expensive suits. I let my mind go blank, I only focus on the music that’s blasting through the place and when I’m not talking to a guest I’m just staring at the stage, watching the girls perform.

It’s around 1 am when the suited men order fruit flavored shots and I walk over to the bar. The bartender places ten shots on a tray and the deep red liquors dance in the small glasses as I’m walking over to their table. When no one is watching I lean closer and sniff at one of the glasses. I love the sweet smell of the syrup we use to make these shots, but this time, when the smell hits my nose my stomach takes a double flip.

I stop for a moment as I feel like I’m about to throw up. The tray almost loses balance on my hand but I quickly recover and catch it from falling. I close my eyes for a moment taking a deep breath as I feel my stomach growl in disagreement.

I serve the shots and rush to the back as fast as possible. As I’m on my way to the bathroom Josie steps out one of the dressing rooms.

“Honey, everything alright?” she asks, but I just shake my head and run past her, right into the bathroom where I barely reach a toilet before throwing up.

I hear Josie coming in and a moment later two hands reach for my wig and she is keeping the hair out of my face while I put everything out from me. When it seems like I’m done she disappears for a moment only to return with a glass of water and some paper towels in her hands.

“Thanks,” I choke out wiping my mouth and flushing the toilet.

“What happened?” she asks with concern all over her face. I’m sweating and I need a few more seconds before I find my voice.

“I don’t know. I smelled one of those fruity shots and just… lost it,” I breathe out still panting a bit.

“Have you been feeling nauseous?”

“In the morning yeah, but I didn’t throw up. I thought I just ate too much crackers before going to bed.” I finally get up from the floor and walk to the sink to wash my hands and mouth. My throat is burning and just the thought of throwing up makes me want to vomit again, but I keep it under control this time.

“Honey, I hate to ask this but… did you use protection with him?”

I freeze the moment these words leave her mouth. She is standing behind me, the water is still running from the tap as I lock eyes with her through the mirror. My stomach drops and my heart starts beating crazily as my thoughts drift back to Paris.

He did not use a condom, because I told him not to. Because I told him I would get a morning after pill, which I had in my purse, but with everything happening between and around us… it slipped my mind. Therefore, we had unprotected sex and I forgot to take the pill afterwards, meaning…

Meaning I now have a chance of being pregnant.

My hands are shaking, I feel like I’m about to throw up again but I’m ready to swallow it back as my unsteady fingers flip through my small calendar I usually keep with me. Josie is standing right behind me as we are standing in the corner of the room, girls are chattering happily in the back not even knowing what is going on here.

When I finally find the right month I look for the red marks, I’m clinging onto the last straws of hope, but when I find them, I almost start crying.

I mark the days when I should start my period with empty circles and then when I actually get it I usually just fill them in so I know which day is the first of my cycle. The damn circles are staring back at me from the previous week, meaning I should have gotten my period eight days ago. Sometimes I’m late, but only with maximum two days. Never eight. Never.

“Is that what I think it is?” Josie whispers and I can’t speak right now, I just nod my head. I close the calendar and show it back to my bag turning to Josie as I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.

“What do I do now?” I ask with wide eyes. The thought of being pregnant is so foreign me at this moment and I think my mind hasn’t really processed what this means.

“You have to make a test or go to the doctor. Being late can mean a lot, maybe it’s just the stress.”

I nod my head think about it. She is right, I’ve had some pretty stressful weeks behind me, it wouldn’t be surprising if my hormones were all over the place and make my period late somehow.

Josie tries to convince me to tell Joshua that I’m not feeling well, which is true, but I choose to finish my shift. When I get off at three am I’m already a mental wreck, but there I have to face some more waiting since nothing is open at this time.

When I arrive home Elisa is sleeping in her room, she has a morning class tomorrow. I take a quick shower, put on some clean pj’s and crawl into bed with my phone. I open the contacts and I start scrolling down until my finger lingers through a name. The urge to call Shawn is tempting, I almost press on the button, but not even knowing what I would tell him I lock the phone and put it to my nightstand. I can’t talk to him until I find out for sure.

For my biggest surprise I sleep pretty okay. I set an alarm last night so I can go to the pharmacy in time to get a pregnancy test and do it while Elisa is in school. I keep my cool as I run to the nearest pharmacy and try to look as unbothered as possible when I pay for the test. I hide the box in my bag and I’m dying to finally get back home and take it.

Time has never went by slower than at this moment as I’m sitting on the floor of our small and messy bathroom. I watch as the numbers change on my phone’s screen and I almost start thinking time has stopped, but I know it’s just in my mind.

I turn my head trying to make myself busy, so I pick up a set of false lashes from next to the bathtub and hold it up in front of my face. It can be mine, but I think it’s Elisa’s. It’s longer than what I usually use. Setting it to the edge of the tub I stare at it as if I’m waiting for it to start talking to me and tell its story. Waiting is really making me go crazy.

I stand up, carefully not looking at the stick at the edge of the sink as I throw the lashes into the small trashcan and I start sorting all the makeup products that are everywhere. I already know what’s mine and what’s Elisa’s, we have lived together long enough to get used to each other and know what we use. I was always afraid that if I live with another woman we will start using each other’s stuff, like in the movies. I always thought it’s weird. I mean, it’s fine a few times, but not all the time. It’s not too sanitary and budget friendly. It’s better if everyone sticks to their own things. Elisa thinks the same. We are happy to help each other out if one of us runs out of lipstick, or needs a specific color of eyeshadow. But we never touch what’s not ours without asking first. I think this is one reason why we are so good together. Another one is our shared history, I guess.

I check the time and it’s the last ten seconds, finally. I take a deep breath and hold it as I watch the numbers change on the screen until it hits zero. I switch the alarm off, but I don’t do anything. I stand there like a statue, my limbs feel like rocks and I don’t have the energy to lift them up. My throat is so dry, I could drink a gallon of water at once.

I look at myself in the mirror and furrowing my eyebrows I tell myself that I can’t just ignore this. I have to find out the truth so I can carry on or… or find a solution if the result is what I was afraid of.

I blow out the breath I was holding and glance down at the stick that’s lying face down. I slowly reach for it and take it between by pointing finger and thumb. It’s now or never.

I turn it over and when I see it I forget to breathe for the longest second of history. I freeze and my eyes are glued to the two little lines on the stick that means one thing. The one thing I was so worried and the one thing that is now freaking me out to the point where I feel like I’m about to pass out.

I’m pregnant and I have no idea how I’m going to deal with this situation. I’m twenty-one, practically a child myself, I can’t take care of a baby, not with the way I’ve lived in the past two years, it’s impossible. I can’t do this alone and even if Elisa helps me out it’s still not enough. I have only one choice, the person I never thought I would see again and I promised not to think about ever, but I have no choice. I wasn’t alone when this baby conceived and as much as I would love to figure it out on my own, he deserves to know.

I wipe away the warm tears from my cheeks and reach for my phone, still holding the pregnancy test in my hands. Opening my contacts I scroll down and I stop at his name. Biting into my bottom lip my thumb linger over it as I hesitate and try to think about what I want to tell him. But I slowly realize that it’s not something I should tell over the phone, so instead of calling I open a new message.

To: Shawn Mendes Hey. Can we meet? We need to talk about something.

I press send before I can change my mind and I finally walk out of the bathroom. I walk through our small, but cozy living room and don’t stop until I’m in my room. First, I hide the test into one of my drawers and then I check the time. Elisa will be home in an hour from her class to get ready for work, there is no way I can face her right now, so I better not be here. As I’m gathering a few stuff my phone buzzes from a new message. It’s from him.

From: Shawn Mendes Somewhere private or do you want to have drink somewhere?

I could use a drink right now, but then I realize, I won’t taste any alcohol in the upcoming months. And a private place would be the most ideal for this conversation.

To: Shawn Mendes Can we meet at your place?

His reply arrives a few seconds later.

From: Shawn Mendes I’ll send a car for you. Where do you want it to go?

I text him to pick me up at the usual spot at the café and he assures me that a car will be there to pick me up in thirty minutes. Perfect, this way I won’t meet Elisa. I grab my bag, put everything I think I need in it and leave the place, but before I could step out, I stop at the mirror that’s right next to our front door. I see myself in an entirely different way than how I did when I arrived home, though I was already suspicious back then. But now I know that somewhere under my oversized black sweater there is a baby in my stomach. I’m not alone anymore, not even when there is no one around me.

I slide my hand under my sweater and touch my lower belly, but I don’t feel anything yet it’s so different. Nothing will be the same from now on and it frightens me so much I can’t even describe.

I shake my head, fix my clothes and switch the lights off before leaving to meet the father of my unborn child, Shawn Mendes.

taglist: @damnigotadime @jrock-1987 @dacutiehart @ricchhelle @shar-is-my-name

#shawn #mendes #shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagines #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes fanfics #shawn mendes fanfictions #shawn mendes x reader #mendes army #boundaries #boundaries series

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ettadunham · 5 years

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A Buffy rewatch 1x12 Prophecy Girl

aka that iconic dress

I guess welcome to this dailyish text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and point out / hyperfocus on one de--- You know what, scratch that. I’m probably going to be all over the place with this episode, so bear with me.

But how can I not? It is the first season finale of the show, and it very much holds its own among all the other iconic season finales this show would go on to produce. There’s a lot going on here.

That’s not to say that there isn’t a lot going on in episodes where I try to stick more to my ‘focus on one thing’ goal. The whole reason I came up with the format for these word vomits was so I could talk about Buffy (even if it’s just me shouting into the void) but also have fun and limit myself. So I plan to keep to that as much as possible, even for future season finales.

(Of course if you look at the length of some of my previous posts during this rewatch, you can see that I haven’t had all that much success limiting or focusing myself. It really is a work in progress.)

Finding one thing to talk about with Prophecy Girl is tough for me though. Because I want to have fun and also talk character and iconic moments at the same time, and it’s just too much, man. It’s too much.

So let’s start with Xander asking Buffy out.

You know, I like this scene. Because Buffy really handles it the best way possible. Xander... does not, but there’s at least a moment where he tries to backtrack after pulling the Angel card. “I’m sorry, I don’t handle rejection well.” And I can still sympathize with him, even if I sympathize with Buffy more.

It’s not wrong of Xander to have feelings for Buffy and to take his chance and ask her out. It’s just that he’s so caught up in his hurt afterwards that he doesn’t take her feelings into account. At all. This will be a recurring flaw in his character too - Xander can be really insightful and inspirational, but when he’s hurt, his emotions always get the best of him. In these moments, he also thinks he’s right, and that will lead to a whole series of bad decisions in the future.

But, because I’m also here to have fun, I can’t just ignore the line where Buffy is trying to explain that she considers Xander and Willow her best friends and Xander’s like: “Willow isn’t looking to date you. Or if she is, she’s holding it really close to the chest.”

It’s like they’re trying to make me ship it. Like, I haven’t really before, but now it’s in my head. What’s their shipname? Billow? Wuffy? Cast your votes now.

Speaking of Willow, I really like the moment too where Xander then asks her out and she’s like ‘NOPE’. It reminds me of a s2 moment between her and Oz where Oz plays that part in their relationship. These kids have dignity yall.

And alright, let’s also talk about Willow’s crush on Xander and the fact that she’s never done what Xander does here - ask him out. Because I feel like that as a result, they both got stuck into this weird limbo of ‘maybe’s. And who knows, maybe if they moved on here and now, they wouldn’t fall back into that what-if scenario two years from now... just saying.

I feel like this says something about Willow too: she’s either too afraid to ask or is in truth, comfortable letting this crush remain just that. I personally lean more towards the first one - Willow is often driven by fear -, but it’s also interesting to consider the latter (*whispers* gay).

Meanwhile Xander is also clearly aware of this all (see: The Pack), and it becomes this certainty he can fall back on. Sure, Buffy wouldn’t go to the dance with him, but Willow still has a crush on him, right? He can always count on that.

Sigh, teenagers, man.

And Buffy, you guys, I haven’t even got to Buffy and this is already way too long. See what I meant by how I can’t just talk about one thing with this episode?

I kind of want to put my own spin on what her story here means, but I can’t really. I heard and read the interpretations, and they’re right - this is about Buffy’s acceptance of death, of coming to grips with the fact that we’re all going to die.

“Giles, I’m 16 years old. I don’t want to die.” - It’s fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine.

But she changes her mind after the scene with Willow, where she’s clearly shaken by seeing their classmates’ dead bodies in school. It’s not really the horror of the scene itself (which is pretty haunting though), but the sudden confrontation with death that affects Willow. Suddenly the whole slayer stuff is not an adventure. The school’s weekly body count is not a joke. Death is real, and it’s terrifying.

And that helps Buffy face her own fears. It serves as a wake up call for her about how she can’t just avoid death by ‘quitting’ being the slayer, as it is part of life itself. But it’s also an act of protection on her part. She’s trying to protect her friends from having to face and confront death, to keep their innocence just a bit longer.

It’s also something that Giles tries to do for her, and my heart swells a bit at that thought. He really has already become a clear father figure for her, one who tries to strike a balance between teaching her about and protecting her from the world. And then he gets knocked out for it.

Buffy doesn’t go down to the Master’s lair knowing for certain that she would die or fail. But she goes down with the knowledge that she could die and accepting that possibility, with the hope that at the very least, she could prevent the Master from rising. The ironic twist that that’s actually how she fulfills the prophecy seems to undercut that idea at first, but then she succeeds regardless. She accepted death and faced it and now it doesn’t have power over her anymore.

Also, Christ allegory. Whatever.

The absolute most important part of this entire episode is of course the dress though. I absolutely love that it’s a running gag that everyone would compliment Buffy on her dress - as they should. That shot of her in the sewers in her dress and leather jacket holding a crossbow is perhaps the MOST iconic visual of the entire show. I would fight you on that.

Oh yeah, and Willow and Cordelia have a surprisingly pleasant dynamic here? And Cordy drives her car into the school to get them to the library. What an icon.

#buffy rewatch 2k19 #btvs talk #btvs

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gendice · 6 years

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hey so i’m PISSED

lacey and i created the voltron secret santa as a fun sort of exchange for people who wanted to participate in a secret santa and make/receive gifts, but didn’t sign up for earlier secret santas and we also wanted to make this an all-inclusive event so that everyone in the fandom can participate if they want to. idk what you guys think this is but planning an event like this especially when it’s not a 100% anti or 100% shaladin event is hard as fuck, especially when we have to cater to each person’s preference

all that we ask of you guys is to 1) stick to the guidelines and 2) meet the deadlines and yet there were so many people who were acting so fucking entitled as if hosting this was a piece of cake and that the entire event revolves around them and we had to cater the event to their specific preference???

1. we had people acting super fucking entitled from the beginning during sign ups; we received multiple asks from someone shitting on us for not allowing shaladin ships like if you’re a shipper who wants to create a secret santa that allows for shaladin ships be my guest??? idk why you have to send those to us like we still won’t allow it so. and if you’re a shipper who doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea of participating in an event hosted by people who don’t ship shaladin then just don’t join?? why do you feel the need to join and complain about it in the sign up form (someone filled in the additional comments section with something along the lines of “i cant put anything here since nothing i want is allowed lol” like. if you dont have any legitimate comments just dont put it???)

2. we had to repeat it over and over again for people to turn on their anon asks? like i get it if you’re on mobile and it’s impossible to turn on anon (fuck u tumblr mobile) but the fact that this dragged on for at least half of the work period is so. frustrating?? we specifically checked and reminded people who didnt have it on to turn on their anon asks and some did but others just didn’t do so?? some people didn’t even have their regular asks on and i just hhfjfkwjnwewe im so fucking frustrated. as if that’s not fucking enough some people who didn’t have their own anonymous asks on had the gall to message me asking why their own giftee didn’t turn on anon asks like hm i dont fucking know maybe it’s because some people have the same selfish mindset as you expecting everything to be set up nicely for you while not doing the basic respectful thing and doing the same back. IT’S SO !! FUCKING !! SELFISH !!!!!

3. we literally. do not owe you anything. stop acting like you’re our superiors and we have to listen to everything that you say. it’s rude and frankly i’m so fucking tired of it; it’s basic manners to just speak to someone with respect but some of you can’t even do that? we just host the event and pair people up together and make sure that the gifts are coming along fine, we have literally no say in what your gifter chooses to make or when they choose to post it so can you fucking think about how shitty and rude your actions are for one (1) second and consider maybe treating us with basic respect. what your gifter does (or doesn’t do) has literally nothing to do with us it’s out of our control so in my humble fucking opinion you really shouldn’t hold us accountable for someone else’s actions

4. speaking of which, i’m really stressed out by the very possible lack of gifts from certain people. it’s super fucking unfair to people who have created and posted their gifts and are expecting one in return. it’s also unfair that some people are getting gifts while they don’t create any in return. it’s unfair that someone has to create two gifts within the same time period that others create one, just because of your irresponsibility, while you yourself receive a gift despite not putting in any effort. as the moderator for this event i’m really anxious about this because i’m seeing a lot of people who have yet to post their gifts and i feel really bad for those who aren’t getting any gifts. when you sign up for this event it was kind of expected that you should be able to make something, making this a fair give-and-take event. if you had some personal issues that made it impossible for you to complete your gift, that’s fine, that’s why we had a dropout date and are giving extensions too. but if you drop out like 1 day before the gifting date, or you straight up don’t tell us that you can’t give anything, or you straight up don’t respond to anything and proceed to go mia after filling up the sign-up form, that’s super fucking irresponsible on your part and your actions affect other people as well so i’m just fucking frustrated and pissed i literally have no words

5. i’m not here to discredit people because everyone has different styles/is at a different skill level and that’s fine, it’s the thought that counts. and i’m sure that if you put in effort that your giftee can see it too and they’ll appreciate the gift (which a lot of you did and yall produced really lovely gifts). but the fact is that it’s really fucking obvious that some of you just aren’t putting in the effort at all for your gifts and it makes me feel really bad on behalf of whoever is on the receiving end of the gift because some people put in their 100% in making their gift, only to receive one that someone else put in less than 50% in. we had guidelines for you to follow when making the gift and the fact that some of you didn’t follow them is really upsetting and, once again, irresponsible and selfish

that being said this isn’t directed at all of you and to be honest if you followed the guidelines and stuck to the deadlines in making the gifts i am literally so fucking grateful and i can’t thank you enough for making the whole thing easier for us. also thank you so fucking much to the people who were super flexible and were okay with being shuffled around due to some admin stuff + people who made second gifts as a backup gifter you guys are literally lifesavers 💞💞

#misc #negative//#kai talks shit #hey long ass rant under the readmore dont read if ur in a good holiday mood lol #pls dont unfollow me i just have to get this out #follow me on twitter for more complaining #this isnt directed at everyone btw some of you were a real pleasure to work with bless u

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a-shmeeb-abroad · 6 years

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On the Complete and Utter Overhaul of My Life and the Transformation of This Blog

Good Morning everyone, long time no see. Just checking in to see how yall are doing and was wondering if I could possibly tempt you with another blog post. Lots of things have happened and I am eager to share them with you, so as my first major post from my new apartment in Tokyo (we’ll get to that in a second), I wanted to give you a not-so-short update on life. As the title suggests, my life has gone through a thorough overhaul in the past year and so-many-months and things are completely unrecognizable. Why don’t we pick up where we left off for the sake of time?

In my last post I mentioned I had taken up a position on KAJET as the communications coordinator. In total, I served 2 years in the position. During that time, not only was I moderator of the Facebook and Email account, I also dipped my toes into web design and completely overhauled the website. As if that wasn’t enough responsibility, that summer I decided on a whim to run for National AJET’s position of Block 11 Representative, and my successful bid essentially threw me into the national spotlight as the representative of the 4 southernmost prefectures in Japan, which I served as for one year alongside 11 other amazing Reps doing the role of C.C. times two on a much…larger scale. The year of 2017 gave me invaluable experience in coordinating large-scale events, planning, organization, and networking and I truly believe that everything fell into place because of my sudden drive to do the – what I thought was – impossible. The shy and self-conscious girl I once was blossomed into a confident leader who beamed at the idea of meeting new people from all over the world, and I cannot put into words how proud I am of myself.

In addition, many areas of my life saw a boost in academics. Most notably, I started more serious after-school tutoring with my students for an English exam called EIKEN, and thanks to their incredible drive and perseverance, we had a going rate of about 90% of them passing each round. These kids had become like little brothers and sisters to me so seeing them facing their fears of speaking another language and absolutely blowing the exam out of the water brought me so much joy, and I am endlessly proud of how much effort they made to improvement.

After the exams quieted down for the summer, my friend and I (kind of on a whim, honestly) decided to enroll in a Japanese language school in the Shin-Okubo neighborhood of Tokyo in order to study seriously for the JLPT. For those who don’t know much about it, Shin-Okubo is the Korean area of Tokyo, so study sessions after class were spent lounging in cafes blasting the summer’s hottest K-Pop songs or chowing down on fried chicken and melted cheese takkgalbi in crowded, smoky lunch spots. I’d grown up in the suburbs, spent 4 years hopping about a sizeable college town, and then settled into the quaint countryside of southern Japan, not once stopping for but a moment in a large city. But somehow through the unbearable heat, the full-to-the-brim trains, and impenetrable crowds of slow walkers and umbrella-toting old ladies, I found myself growing deeply fond of a city I was never too keen on.

As we know, however, all good things must come to an end. As summer began to wind down, my friend and I finished our month of school with resounding praise from teachers certain we would pass our exams, and my year-long relationship came to a close as we agreed it was time for him to focus more seriously on studying for his medical school exams. Though it was with a heavy heart that I left Tokyo and returned home, I persevered and continued my roles in the community while cramming those last few months for our exam. Thankfully this came with a happy ending as both my friend an I achieved a solid “PASS” on the N2 level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test, the second highest level test takers can achieve. With this certificate in tow, I began my job hunt.

Yes, that is correct. I began job hunting.

But didn’t I love my job and want to continue teaching long term?

Yes, I did. Let me explain.

In November, participants on the JET Program are given their contract to re-sign for the following year and, depending on the school or board of education, usually have until January to turn in their acceptance or declination. Schools usually hire for up to 3 years, and then in the case of exemplary behavior (or honestly sometimes just bare minimum effort, if we are being so honest) we can stay up to 5 years at the same school and then finish the program. I received a letter telling me that my school wished to recontract me for a 4th year and I was very pleased, but I also felt a deep knot in my stomach as I accepted the paper. You see, while I was in Tokyo, I had done a lot of thinking about what I was looking for in my life and my future from many different angles, and with my two…well, 3 leadership roles, as I was also serving as the block leader for Kanoya and the surrounding areas at that time as well, the taste of real responsibility and challenge was exhilarating to me. Constantly having things to do with multiple levels and scopes of responsibility was something I had never experienced, and I HAD to have more. I just had to. At the age of 24, I realized it was time to search for a more long-term career with upward mobility. I wanted something that allowed me to climb some sort of ladder. In one of the hardest decisions I had to make since coming to Japan, I declined the request to recontract and made the decision to leave Kanoya, the place that had become my second home.

To make a long story short, I threw myself into job hunting for 4 months. I applied to almost 30 jobs and attended scores of interviews while working and holding my 3 volunteer positions. In the end, after weeks of stress, tears, and almost zero down time, I received and accepted a job offer for a career in the international events and conference industry at a company headquartered smack dab in the center of Tokyo.

I don’t know how many of you readers have moved across the country before, let alone in a foreign country, but let me tell you, it is no joke. I could write an entire separate blog post on the trials and tribulations of finding an apartment meeting all my requirements and budget that would also rent to a foreigner, or having to pay almost $2000 in deposits and key money (basically a ‘thanks for letting me rent from you’ gift to the landlord which has been in practice since the post-war era), but all I can say is that I’ve never been so happy to be completely finished with something in my entire 25 years of life. I settled down in a 200 square foot flat in the Suginami ward of Tokyo about 3 weeks ago. I can see both Mt. Fuji and Tokyo Skytree from my house. It is minimal chic and very clean. It’s loud sometimes, but there is a sweet pair of pigeons that perches below my window and I can walk to Dominos Pizza. All in all, it works for me.

Work has been going very well. The company language is, as expected, Japanese. Most of my work consists of translating important documents or proofreading, and my first big project was constructing a now-30-page operations manual entirely in Japanese for The Asia-Pacific WFSBP Conference in Kobe as well as working the IWA World Water Conference in Tokyo for a week. As we work with extremely confidential information, I can’t be more detailed than that, and of course the learning curve is steep, but please rest assured that I am doing extremely well for what I have been given and I thoroughly enjoy the work I am doing so far. Finding out that, despite the horror stories of 18+ hour workdays and unpaid overtime of the Japanese workforce, I receive overtime pay, I am literally not allowed to stay in the building past 8 pm, and I may actually have some sort of work-life balance while working here. This entire situation was one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received and I truly do not know how I got so lucky.

And with that, it looks like you’re about caught up on what’s been happening with me. I’ve not yet hit the two month mark here, so things don’t really feel as permanent as they should be. The sadness of leaving my coworkers, students, and friends still lies deep within with me, but their unwavering kindness and generosity up until the last moments of my time at Kanoya Senior High School keeps me moving forward as I do my best to make them proud. It still feels like I’ll be going back any day now, but the busyness that my life has taken on since coming here has kept me occupied enough that I don’t dwell on that fact. There are a lot of other exciting things in the works for me right now, and I hope someday ill be able to update you on them (top secret until then, though), but until then, I’ll leave you with this. Feel free to contact me any time with questions or requests to visit (not spring, though, as I am booked solid already) and I will do my best to respond as quickly as I can. Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and supporting me through this crazy journey across the world. Who knows what life will have in store for me next?

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zeetheus · 6 years

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So, here’s a recap of the entire situation

From start to finish.

Because, believe me, I had no idea my ban would lead to 2 other completely innocent people getting banned for, essentially, asking staff what happened, and then expressing the desire to talk to them about it.

Not exaggerating.

On May 5th 2017, my Extremely Straight mom was being pushy, asking me about my OCs. For those unaware, the OCs in question are:

A nonwhite nonbinary aromantic bisexual with ASPD

A nonwhite asexual whose romantic orientation is a hashtag Mess, who has depression, anxiety, OCD, and is autistic

The above OCs are in a queerplatonic relationship

(This is important, I promise)

So after escaping to my laptop, I go on Quixol to try and decompress, and start off by expressing my general exhaustion and discomfort. A reasonable person who is part of the staff of a LGBT+ & ND safe server would, hopefully, take that as a disclaimer that I had been through Garbage, and had no energy.

So after having to literally physically escape an uncomfortable discussion with my mom, and after literally telling chat about the situation, I’m directly concern-trolled for calling my queerplatonic OCs, ‘queer’?

Once?

When there’s a perfectly serviceable blacklist on this very server?

(Minor note: I’m aware that Blake’s pronouns are it/its, however, I had typoed ‘pals’ into ‘pal’ & I apologize for that small misunderstanding)

So anyways, that sucked, and dealing with everything that happened that afternoon had destroyed my energy for a week. Clearly staff had made their stance clear, even if I didn’t agree with it.

I decided not to use ‘queer’ on that server, or at the very least not towards anyone who 1) wasn’t queer, and 2) might give me shit for even saying that word, even if I’m not mislabeling anyone. Such as, the staff.

So, I don’t use it.

Flash forward to late November of 2017.

I’m on my twitter, tweeting tweets, which are mostly meant for me, because it’s my gotdamn twitter account. I tweet a lot of junk, RT a lot of fandom garbage, and sometimes, when something triggers me, I try to unpack my abuse.

I’d like to make it clear right now that I never listed my twitter under my Bio (or at the very least, had never intended to. I don’t remember whether or not I put it there, and if I did, my mistake) and have only given my twitter url out once. The only connection my twitter had to Quixol was by following the Quixol twitter.

Over the course of a few weeks I tweeted out some ~*spicy*~ Opinions, which, you’re free to disagree with me about, especially since it’s fucking twitter, which has a character limit, so a lot of my word choice had to be downsized to fit in a fuckin 280 character text box.

On top of that I’m not even a Public LGBTQ+ Wank Persona, so I had no incentive to hash things out step-by-step to my... 10 followers. By all accounts, my tweets are, by their very nature, inconsequential to anyone except my followers.

(My account was not locked at the time, but I understandably later did so)

Anyways, in order:

This one was pretty clearly about Quixol, but I should probably state for the record that I had no idea ‘queer’ in MANY DIFFERENT ITERATIONS had been exhaustively banned from signs, so I had no idea it wasn’t physically possible to properly spell out ‘genderqueer’ without censoring it in some fashion.

Anyways, continuing with my ~*spicy opinions*~

I mentioned before how I was essentially abused by people I trusted for not being acceptably gay. I don’t know how ‘I’m not gay and I don’t need to be, I’m happy with being aro ace’ is a statement so vile that gay people everywhere take immense offense to it, to the point where staff finds it a bannable offense...

By the way, yes, I did get banned for these.

Because days after I was banned, staff approached Vin about my banning, of their own volition.

At the end of the day, Vin had planned to write out an essay, so that they could have a reasonable discussion with staff.

I wasn’t too Thrilled at the prospect of trying to have a discussion with people who intentionally villainized me, took my words out of context, and made the worst possible interpretations out of them, but I supported Vin’s idea.

However, she was in the middle of college finals, and preparing for chanukkah, so she couldn’t get right back around to it for another week.

Note that at this point Vin had not been contacted by staff due to her own behavior, past actions, without even a mention of her tumblr or its content.

THIS IS EXTREMELY CRUCIAL INFORMATION.

IF THEY HAD REASON TO BAN VIN FOR ANYTHING, WHY DID THEY CONTACT VIN ABOUT MY BAN FIRST?

But anyways, let’s cut to 8 days later, because I certainly couldn’t log into Quixol and subsequently do anything.

And in that time, neither could Vin.

I wasn’t surprised at this point. Staff had made it plain and clear to me that if they had a mild enough reason to ban you, they’ll find whatever evidence they need in order to finalize it.

FOUR POSTS, YALL. FOUR POSTS AND SHE GOES FROM ‘ONE OF THE MOST ACTIVE AND BELOVED COMMUNITY MEMBERS’ TO ‘A BONA FIDE THREAT TO PEOPLE ON QUIXOL, WORTH BANNING.’

The four posts in question will be linked later, for now, continuing:

So... it’s not actually about protecting people on the server, it’s about... finding people that agree with your particular flavor of “LGBT+” politics?

R...really?

Where is the actual harm that Vin has done on the server to warrant being banned?

Shit, what about me? What tangible, material harm did my tweets, squirreled away on my own separate twitter, that no one follows me on, do to anyone on the server?

Anyways it doesn’t end here, because in this chain of bullshit, someone else went down trying to ask staff “why for the love of god did you ban Vin?”

Screenshots (Warning, it’s 65 pages long)

All four posts that Vin was banned over are included as well.

But if you’re interested in my personal highlight reel:

ah yes, a non-ace trans woman trying to silence anyone who casts doubt on her decisions to silence queer ace people for having experienced abuse similar to hers, because that’s not some top-tier oppression olympics ‘my pain outweighs yours’ b.s.

remember that time staff literally approached vin of their own volition with screenshots of my tweets at the ready, trying to grill vin about my tweets and whether or not she agreed with them?

where’d that go?

did they suddenly get tired of it after being confronted with other, perfectly average Quixol users, suddenly also questioning their decisions against their will?

funny how vin got to have a discussion about her posts. wonder why they didn’t ever contact me except to ban me

so one of the posts was barely incriminating, but the staff decided to use it against her AS A PSYCHOLOGICAL TEST, and then decided to use it decisively against her after she didn’t give the reaction they wanted from her (again, they mention it as one of the 4 posts she was banned over)

THIS WOULD BE PERFECTLY REASONABLE IF THEY HADN’T BEEN LITERALLY SEARCHING THROUGH HER TUMBLR, DIGGING UP POSTS FROM UP TO TWO YEARS AGO

IT WOULD ALSO BE REASONABLE IF:

I HAD ACTUALLY PUT MY TWITTER URL IN MY BIO, WHICH I’M PRETTY SURE I DID NOT

I HADN’T BEEN BANNED NOT TWO WEEKS AGO FOR EXISTING ADJACENT TO QUIXOL, BARELY IF EVER MENTIONING IT ON TWITTER, NEVER LINKING IT FROM THE SERVER, WHO THE HELL WAS SEARCHING THROUGH MY TWITTER, AND WHY DIDN’T BEAN EVEN MENTION DEFENDING MY RIGHT TO HAVE A SEPARATE TWITTER THAT WAS NOT PUBLICLY LINKED TO QUIXOL!? WHAT!?!

glad to know the rest of the staff also goes full tilt on oppression olympics

still waiting on the part where vin actually said something transmisogynistic or otherwise materially harmful to someone on the server

oh no!! vivian just called a lesbian trans woman transmisogynistic!! clearly if this is the game staff wants to play that means they all needs to either agree to disagree, or realize that peoples’ experiences differ from theirs, and are not something to be weaponized in order to silence people that you disagree with!! what a world!!

tfw staff tokenize themselves before they even make the slightest movement towards ‘people have different experiences besides the ones i have/know about, but we are all here and we should work together and support each other’

are they even really a real LGBT+ server

very clear, very clear distinction here... somewhere? weren’t they just saying that they’re not the same things? so they overlap but are different? uh... and...???

i don’t have a word for ‘white trans women that try to weaponize the transmisogyny that overwhelmingly nonwhite twoc experience in order to silence anyone who questions her ~*authority*~ despite the fact that there is no universal ‘trans woman experience’ that anyone can hold her as an authority AS’...

this is literally the kind of weaponized-suffering authoritarianism people talk about when they deconstruct neoliberalism and ‘oppression olympics’ and the staff all seem to be very involved in it

gee whiz, im no longer wondering why i, a queer aro ace, was banned

bean weaponizing his aceness as the staff’s ‘authority’ on ace matters, instead of, yanno, understanding that vin has had her own experiences, that are different, which leads her to take different stances

especially since bean himself admits he hasn’t faced any problems due to his aceness

lucky him, i guess

“this is the first time we’ve had to really make a ban based on evidence that was off quixol”

fuck you in particular

my tweets weren’t for you or anyone else on Quixol

you and the rest of the staff decided to ban me anyways

and now that you snatched vin in your chain-ban and you have a lot of people who are QUESTIONING YOUR DECISIONS you try and act sympathetic?

if people are reacting like this, and the evidence wasn’t even on the server, why even ban someone?

if you intend to heavily police Quixol users you should maybe fucking say so

that way no one’s suprised

i have intense paranoia issues and the entire fact that YALL WERE STALKING MY TWITTER hasn’t helped in the least

literally here are tweets i made in the same timeframe as my ~*banned tweets*~

like you claim to be protecting users, despite the fact that no one on the server was harmed

and you claim to be inclusive, despite the fact that you silence queer people at every turn

and you claim to be safe for ND people, while causing them anxiety and paranoia

literally what do you even stand for at this point

"we are all trans? we are all gay?”

yeah? and?

you still closet the hell out of queer people?

especially queer people with identities you don’t like?

queer people who literally use the word to describe their OCs in plural since they are neither gay nor trans?

you literally wouldn’t let me use the word ‘queer’ to describe my OCs?

hhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh no!!! queer people exist online

seriously is this an LGBT+ server or some kind of fundie christian camp

also, get a load of all of the 0 times vin and i have called anyone queer without their consent, seeing as the first and only time I used it, i got scolded by staff for it

funny story. as soon as I read this screen i knew why I was actually, really banned

way back up at the top of this post, when i had confronted Blake about the fact that I had just called my OCs ‘queer’

and was told ‘be careful, don’t use that word on people who don’t want it applied to them’

i had already been mislabeled as ‘gay’ numerous times on the server itself, which was triggering for me

after bringing up that particular grievance with staff, using almost the exact same wording as Fritjof, i decided to blacklist ‘gay’ so that i wouldn’t guilt gay people into hiding it from others, while protecting myself

very interesting that the staff doesn’t have the same attitude towards people being able to protect themselves from ‘queer’

it’s almost like the censoring of queer is not for the sake of protecting users... but instead...

Just so we make this clear, ‘queer’ which staff defines as being ‘gay and trans’ (but not queer itself for some reason?) is equivalent to:

triggering thing that must be blacklisted (that’s why the blacklist exists)

nsfw chats in global

literally how do yall say ‘queer means gay and trans’ and equate its use with ‘nsfw’

again... is this an LGBT+ server... or a conservative christian summer camp...

it feels almost... indistinguishable...

yes, that is the admin of an ND & LGBT+ server using the same ‘real world’ rhetoric that anti sj bigots and conservatives make

interestingly enough, it’s also common among bigots in the LGBT community, such as truscum, aphobes, and queerphobes, towards anyone with a ‘special snowflake’ identity that they don’t particularly like or are interested in including

but an ace man can never be acephobic right? he’s an authority on ace issues after all, and so all aces must have his same experiences

pedophilia?? gee whiz i wonder what that post Vin reblogged about ‘people accusing others of pedophilia that weren’t actually pedophilia’ was about. surely it wasn’t about staff, right?

so, recap of bannable offenses here on Quixol Dot Corn:

Have a public twitter, where you tweet opinions that staff disagrees with

Be friends with the above person who was banned, and when you don’t say anything banworthy when they confront you, have a tumblr account with enough questionable posts for them to construct a banworthy offense

Once both of the above have been banned, ask staff about their decisions, and then try to reasonably discuss their ongoing queerphobia

So anyways, if you’re wondering where Zeetheus, Vin_Venture, and Fritjof42 went... that’s pretty much what happened!

Staff has zero intent on protecting their userbase, just policing the hell out of their opinions, to the point where off-Quixol content is considered a bannable offense, and if staff hasn’t made that clear to anyone, I hope this post does.

Queer people are not safe on Quixol

Unacceptably ace people are not safe on Quixol

The vast majority of people under the LGBT+ umbrella that don’t fit under ‘gay and trans’ are not safe on Quixol

People with anxiety, who have experienced stalking paranoia are not safe on Quixol

#quixol #quixolmc

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mimosajones-blog · 7 years

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The Cheat: What was the point Jones?

Hello all of you beautiful people! I know I said that I’d post yesterday, but by now ya’ll should know I have a tendency to lie when it comes to saying which day I will be posting, lol. This is why I said before that I’d stop saying when imma post, so eventually imma hold true to that and stop getting people’s hopes up (I know I ain’t shit yall. I promise one day I will be though, lmao).

Anyway, for all of you who made it this far in The Cheat, I want to first thank you for staying tuned for my story. I’ve never really talked in detail about my experience with Dallas to anyone other than close friends (even they don’t know some of the details), so it was good for me to be able to get that all out. My inspiration to tell that story came from watching the Hurt Bae video that went viral in February. A lot of people had opinions about it, and OF COURSE, ya’ll know I had an opinion about it, but I didn’t wanna just put my opinion out there without giving you the reason why I feel how I feel about it. So since you know my story, I can tell you my opinion. Heeeeere we go...

First off, when I saw the video, I commended both of them for actually sitting down and having a conversation about it. I feel that not enough people do that. It’s like someone does us wrong, and we think the best way to handle the situation is to never talk to them again. In some situations, like domestic abuse or rape, it is definitely best. Leave that asshole (male or female) and never look back!! However, in situations where someone has cheated or said/done something to you that you can never forgive, you NEED to talk it out (or at least try). I say this because if you really care about the person as you say you do, you’d never want them to stay that way and hurt someone else just the same. I know I didn’t want that for Dallas. My heart is big as shit so I just can’t stand to see people I love doing dumb shit. You should also just want the closure for yourself. There are so many people I know who are bitter and broken because they never had closure at the end of a relationship. Don’t punish yourself for someone else’s wrongdoings. Although, sometimes talking it out doesn’t work, no one can EVER tell you that you didn’t give your all for the person you love if you wholeheartedly gave your 100%. & whether they sincerely apologize or not, if you talk it out, your closer will come because you’ll either

A. know that the person you loved really was in there all along and that there’s hope that one day they’ll be true to themselves and to others (others doesn’t have to be you though. Let’s keep that clear)

B. know they really all around aint shit, lied about who they were the entire time, and you can move on knowing you aren’t missing out on shit (which you can do anyway, but now you have a mental picture and additional proof of aint shitness to look back on when you question whether or not you should have given him another chance cause let’s be real we ALL have that thought when it comes to significant others that we were with for long periods of time. It’s stupid, but we do. We’re all human and wonder “what if”)

That’s why even after what Dallas did to me, I stood by him as a friend because I knew he wasn’t a terrible person. Anyone that had ever met him would say the same thing. He cared about people and really showed love as much as he could, so finding out that he was doing what he was doing hurt and confused me at the same time. I wanted him to be his true self and if I didn’t hold him accountable for his actions, he was just gonna keep doing the same shit cause clearly none of the hoes he was fucking with had morals and would hold him accountable (except Ebony of course).

Because I knew that he was not that person he was trying to be, I knew that showing him what he did to me would break his heart. No one ever likes to see the damage they’ve caused. It’s all fun and games while they’re doing it but when shit hits the fan, they try to speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil real quick. I tried at first to just show him through words. I tried to articulate my feelings, and he knew that he had hurt me, but I wasn’t showing him my pain, I was just telling him about it. We are taught at a young age not to show emotion because it’s a sign of weakness, but I’m calling bullshit on that one. Why wouldn’t I show you what you’ve done to me? That would be letting you off freely as I bare the burden of my pain that YOU caused. No, I want you to see my pain. I want you to see the trust issues that you caused. The tears that stain my cheeks on a daily basis. The broken pieces of my heart that YOU decided would be better scattered across the floor rather than tucked away neatly in the safe that I, against my better judgement, opened just for you. Look at the emptiness you’ve caused by juggling it with countless other hearts of females who fell for you instead of just giving it back in one piece like you should have. It’s kinda like when people train their puppies not to shit in the house by sticking their nose in the shit so they know what they’ve done wrong. Not trying to say he’s a puppy, but just using it as an example. If we don’t show people the damage they’ve done, they’ll just assume it wasn’t that bad and you’ll bounce back, but some people don’t and that’s the point. You can’t play catch with someone else’s expensive glass vase, shatter it into a million pieces, and just walk off like “eh, they can clean it up. I’m going to get pizza”. Start having these hurt bae conversations. So what if they see you cry, that’s what they caused right?? Make them feel uncomfortable and ashamed. They should. I made Dallas come face to face with the aftermath of his decisions and in the end, he wanted to be better, not for me, but for himself and that’s everything I wanted for my best friend.

I also saw a lot of people saying that the guy in the hurt bae video seemed like he didn’t care. He may not have. That’s a possibility, but he also could’ve just been taught that men don’t show emotions. I say that because that’s exactly how Dallas was. In our entire 7 years, I had never seen that man. Not until after we broke up: the night we fought and months later after we reconciled when he had a death in his family and I was there for him. We had a discussion about why he always seemed so nonchalant and he admitted to me that’s just how he was raised. He was told men don’t show emotion, and he had never seen his dad show emotion, so that’s how he felt he had to be. Now I’m not saying a man should be crying every two damn seconds cause that’s just the fucking most. I don’t even like dealing with females who cry that much, but I do feel it’s unfair that we put men in this box and that they feel like they have to conceal all emotion just to be manly. I feel like the manliest thing a man can do is show me his emotion. It shows me that he’s comfortable with himself as well as with me. I want to be the shoulder that my man feels comfortable enough to cry on, whether he’s actually dropping tears or just being honest about how he feels.

Lastly, I don’t want ya’ll to think I’m making excuses for anyone or trying to victimize the people who cheat. Cheating is foul and anyone who does it is a piece of shit (that’s for my friends who do it to. With your aint shit ass. I still love you, just know you aint shit). There’s literally no point in dragging someone you claim you love through the mud just so you can get a quick nut. You couldn’t come up with a point if you tried. If you want to sleep around, live your damn life, but don’t fuck up someone else’s life because you’re selfish and feel like your needs are more important than others. BE FUCKING SINGLE IF YOU WANNA FUCK AROUND. To be real, you need to find a damn hobby or something cause if you’re cheating, you CLEARLY have WAYYYY too much time on your hands. Try knitting... or golf... nahhh, not golf. That shit didn’t stop Tiger, so I’m sure it won’t stop you either. Just get a damn life cause the time it takes you to come up with all of these lies and jump from one bed to the next, you could’ve built a business and could be making money. Get your priorities straight.

And just so we can have some closure on this story cause I’m sure ya’ll are wondering, Dallas and I are still best friends. I can still count on him to have my back in every situation and vice versa. We love each other and we’ll always love each other, but I can’t trust him with my heart again and he understands that. We talk when we can and visit each other during holidays and such, but we’re not obligated to one another. We see other people and have been working on moving on to bigger and better things in life, but I’ll always support him in his endeavors as he does the same for me. When I said he was my best friend, I wasn’t exaggerating. He knows me inside and out, and he’s been there for me through some of the toughest times in my life when I had no one else to lean on. We don’t plan on that ever changing.

Unapologetically,

Jones

#unapologeticallyjones #thecheat #cheating

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