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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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Goof Week: Goof Troop: Forever Goof Review (Everything’s Coming Up Goofy, Good Neighbor Goof, Gotta Be Gettin Goofy) (Commission for WeirdKev27)

Yahhahhooooeeeey all you happy people! WELCOME TO GOOF WEEK! Now normally when a character who got their start in theatrical shorts has a birthday, I do a marathon of them. I have since last year with Donald and it’s one of my favorite things: it allows me to explore Disney’s rich history of them I was largely unaware of till Disney+, and allows me to revisit the shorts I grew up with in the case of The Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry while discovering new favorites. SO naturally with Goofy’s birthday in two days I intended to do the same for him, especially since I’d covered Donald and Mickey the same way.

But fate had other ideas. Not thinking about this tradition, Kev, my patreon, friend and the guy who commissions a LOT of reviews from me ($5 an episode if your curious and I WILL make room on the schedule so your commission gets done as soon as possible), suggested reviewing the Goof Troop pilot movie Forever Goofy, later split into the episode Everything’s Coming Up Goofy and Good Neighbor. I loved the idea since I genuinely loved Goof Troop, and decided to do both that week.

It’s then I got a great idea.. why limit myself to JUST doing two things? I hit my 15 dollar patreon stretch goal, so a review of the Goofy Movie was on the Horizon anyway, and for it’s anniversary year Kev has been commissioning House of Mouse Episodes, so it wouldn’t be THAT much of an ask (and it wasn’t) to simply randomly select from a pool of Goofy-Centric episodes instead of all the episodes.

Thus GOOF WEEK was born, and Kev once again proved vital to all this by suggesting the special Sports Goof from the 80′s. I’d like to give him special thanks as outside of the Shorts Special, which as a patreon he still got to pick one and if you’d like to pick one for Donald’s special, sign on up even one dollar patreons get the honor. , this week is either entirely paid for by him or in the case of A Goofy Movie, is partly thanks to him. I wouldn’t be able to do NEARLY as many reviews nor make money off this without you bud, so thank you.

So naturally given the idea to do this two parter gave me the idea for this week and that Goofy Movie makes a logical finale for said week, it only made sense to start the week with Goof Troop. Bop-dop-da-da-do-bop, YEAH.

Goof Troop is the first Disney Afternoon show I ever watched and the only one I watched when I was younger, as Disney Channel used to play it ocasinally when I was younger and Toon Disney would do the same and I even got to Marthoon it when Disney XD did a weekend marathon. Given it starred my faviorite Disney Character, Donald hadn’t worked his way up to tying with him quite yet, I loved what I could grab of it. And as an adult.. it still holds up. It has problems i’ll get into, but it is a real good time so I was exastic to get an excuse to watch some of it and much like with Darkwing wish I had sooner.

Before I can h-h-h-hit it though, I have to talk about the series history. I ALMOST didn’t find anything: much like the other Disney Afternoon shows there really wasn’t much on the Disney wiki nor wikipedia, google turned up nothing... it wasn’t till I went to the Tv Tropes Trivia Page for the series, where i’d remembered reading about some early versions of the show, that I hit gold: A two part behind the scenes blog post by series co-creator Michael Peraza. You can find part one HERE and part two HERE. It’s a short but fascinating read.

Speaking of fascenating Peraza himself is someone i’d never heard of till reading this article but damn if he isn’t a legend. Seriously the guy’s career is as an unsung hero, starting work under the Legendary Nine Old Men, and working on some of disney’s greatest films: The Great Mouse Detective, Aladdin, The LIttle Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast, along with live action cult classics Tron and Return to Oz via concept art. And concept art is where he’d hit his stride: he did conceptual work for all the big Disney Afternoon shows apart from Gargoyles, being one of the key guys in the early days of Disney Television animation. He didn’t stop at just designing things either as he worked as Art Director for Ducktales, The Proud Family and of course given how vital he was to it’s creation, Goof Troop, and to this days gives lectures with his wife to aspiring animators. He even did some guest work for the 2017 Ducktales Episode “Treasure of the Found Lamp!”. So yeah dude’s awesome

So how did he come to be a key part of this show’s creation? Well he’d just finished up some concept work on some other Disney Afternoon shows, and being a company man was glad to report to the Goof Troop..ers to help as the show was having trouble getting off the ground. The reason for this was the creative exec, who Peraza didn’t name out of kindness as the guy wasn’t a BAD person.. just a clueless one, this being his first job in film and tv. As such rather than work hard to develop around goofy or focus on his strengths the kid threw out one concept after another: The series got it’s name from a pitch that had Goofy as a scoutmaster, something I was glad to finally know. To quote Peraza

“ Although while I was doodling versions of the show that were destined to never see the light of the TV screen, the pitch date remained etched in stone and kept creeping closer. Various versions would find their way to the surface only to sink again into the wasteland known as the roundfile (trashcan). One moment Goofy was the Captain of the Fire Department, the next day a detective out of the Maltese Falcon mold, or a swash buckling hero fighting The Flying Dutchman.

The supporting cast he came up with really wasn't very supportive when you consider they sometimes included alien dragon babies with wings along with a large gorilla. Somebody at Walt Disney Television Animation must have really had a thing for giant gorillas around this time as they were plugged into almost every concept we assembled.”

It was clear that while Goofy COULD fit into just about anything, this exec was just throwing everything at the wall, nothing was sticking, and rather than try to refine his supporting cast, they kept having to throw them out and start over. And dont’ get me wrong, cartoons go through a lot of development and changes as they go.. but it’s usually born from a concept and usually by this point, they at least have what the show will be ABOUT in stone. While i’ve had the same creative changes and what not when coming up with projects that ultimately never saw the light of day, and currentlly some I hope to but might not, I’m not being paid by a studio to do this nor had a hard deadline. I was just spitballing trying to get something anything off the ground before reviewing gave me a steady outlet for my creativity and thus ballanced me to take my time with stuff. Peraza WAS turning out amazing art, like this concept art for the fireman pitch that honeslty makes me want to see it as a series. Who DOSEN’T want to see 9-11 with Goofy as the main character? Throw in Donald and grown up versions of Max, PJ and PIstol (And even not THAT much for the former two, as they did go off to college and all), don’t forget Roxanne this time out and you have a worthy goofy movie sequel.

So yeah this wasn’t working and the latest pitch was not great: Putting Goofy in ToonTown as a cabbie driving the Cab from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. As Peraza TRIED to point out to the exec, putting Goofy in a naturally goofy setting didn’t really play to the characters strength, his whole shtick being a goofus in a normal world. Enough of an every man to root for but also a slapstick joly weirdo.

The executive’s INCREDIBLY douchey response, especially since Peraza was a Disney Vetran at this point and had spent quite a lot of time on Ducktales, so he knew what he was talking about was “Do it anyway and leave the “Visionary” part to me”

As you can tell by MR. OOC there, this might be one of the most punchable sentences i’ve ever read.

So Peraza wasn’t in a great place and was naturally terrified when he got a call from Gary Krisel, president of Disney TVA, asking about the show and to see him about it.

Turns out though Krisel was a nice guy who already had a great working relatinship with Peraza, and genuinely wanted to know what was going on there and wanted his honest opinion. It’s why i’m not AGAINST executives in animation as sometimes they can come in when somethings clearly not working or allow a smooth transition of power if a propelmatic creator has to be booted off their own show so the show and i’ts crew don’t suffer as a result. It’s just more often than not they cause headaches or cancel shows for entirley stupid or self motivated reasons. But I will give credit where it’s do and point out times where there NOT stupid or homophobic or what have you and this is indeed one of those times.

Peraza was indeed straight with him: pointing out all the concepts they’d gone through, and like with the other guy honestly gave his opinon the ToonTown Pitch wasn’t working.. and he not only agreed but asked Peraza himself, actually respecting his experince instead of yelling at him that he has a vision that wouldn’t last the end of the day probably.

Peraza was HOPING this was where this was going and gladly gave him a far less high concept pitch and one truer to the character, quoted in full bellow:

“ My spiel went as follows, "Goofy is a recognized star of Disney animation, so why re-invent the wheel? His son is an average kid dealing with many of the usual issues they face: peer pressure, young love, grades, school bullies, and so on. On top of all that, he has the zaniest, wackiest GOOFIEST dad to live down. No matter how insane the situations get though, they will always love each other. They're a family." Gary asked how I would pitch it and I replied, "It's ONE day in the life of Goofy and son. From getting up in the morning to fixing breakfast, we see their difference side by side as his son tries to distance himself. No matter what though he knows deep inside that his father will always be there for him, whether he likes it or not."

If your wondering if Peraza noticed that that original pitch line is basically the peremise and emotioinal core of The Goofy Movie down pat.. your extremley correct and he notes that the film was based on said pitch even if he had no involvment with it that I could tell. The series would still use this but the whole embarasment aspect was toned down, and honestly fit a teenager better than an 11 year old..

So the exec loved it and Peraza shaped the core of the series: the idea of having Pete as his nemisis, pete having a nuclear family including a gorgeous wife, and the show being more slice of life and what not. He made some great sketches, got roaring approval and then pitched it to rousing success and the rest is history. Goof Troop was a moderate success and The Goofy Movie after it is a classic beloved by all. We have this wonderful man to thank for all that and I also thank him , on the offchance he ever sees this, for bringing Goofy into modern times in a way that did the man-dog justice. It’s thank to you we got this fun series, two great movies, and a goofy the way he is today: the best of everything about him rolled into one. Thanks man, free review.. not htat you NEED It since you’ve worked on things i’ve covered and what not, but I feel like I should offer. Outside of Peraza, I found one last bit of making of stuff before I get to the premiere proper. These two early concept shots:

The first has Max who both looks older and has red hair like he did in the shorts. Honestly I see a lot of his Goofy Movie self in thiis design, the only diffrence obviously being the red hair which was wisely changed to make the boy look more like goofy, something kept for the movie.

The more intresting one is this shot of the Pete’s. Starting with Pete he’s more athletic and has a perfectly tacky outfit. While changing him to be a bit more slovenly honestly fit this version of the character better, I do wish they’d kept hte outfit as the tacky gold and green jacket, the gold chain, the open ollar.. it all fits this version of pete so well, as well as his illusion of being a big shot when he is in fact a medium one. Peg is both slightly younger looking and far more doting and is so different I swear this picture looks like Pete remarried after the divorce and got some lipo. Pistol has about the same design but with a vastly different, more Isabella-ish outfit. Finally we have PJ who looks the same, but has a diffrent outfit and a far more sour demeanor, probably meant to be a bully. My best guess is sthis stuff comes from the pitch, and was likely made to simply get the basic premise across before fine tuning the characters for series

So with all of that out of the way i’m calling eveyrone to join in the fun under the cut and report to the Goof Troop.

Everything’s Coming Up Goofy:

Our first episode opens in a small but cozy trailer, where Goofy’s cooking up lunch as only goofy could: by making osme meatballs then serving them to his son over a game of table tennis, with Max doing the same. It’s really freaking adorable, and a dynamic i’m not used to since i’m more familiar with Teen Max. Seeing Max genuinely get into his dad’s hyjinks and enjoy them.. it just warms the heart and adds weight to The Goofy Movie by knowing there was a time the two really were thick is thieves before the stygian hole that is high school drained all that out of him.

So the two are like buddies and pals until the Mailman arrives, not even phased at this point. Turns out it’s a Diploma, and with this Goofy can get a job he’s been up for in Spoonerville and plans to move immediately. Max is devisated he’ll loose his friends and runs away to use a magical mystery box to keep them together only to end up in a land full of frogs with an old man who sounds like his dad minus the drawl and two other tinier frogs and ... I may have the wrong show. In fairness you try dislodging a finale where Keith David runs a 13 year old through with laser sword and then talk to me.

Goofy is sympathetic though: While he seems a tad oblivous to Max’s worries, it’s very clear he’s jumping on this job and this move so far to give his son a better life. Sure he runs through all the cartoon moving away talking points that don’t work in real life or most other cartoons such as there being a nice lake and that max can make new friends, and Max accepts it weirdly fast because this episode is only 22 minutes and they don’t have time for that subplot... but it’s clear the idea of a better paying job, a secure home not in an alleyway, and some stablility for his son is the real reason Goofy’s doing this, and he probably wants to simply give the boy the childhood he had growing up.

Meanwhile in Spoonerville, we meet Pete. To my shock this is where Jim Cummings took over the roll he was born for and has played since and with good reasons as Cummings is just amazing with Pete no matter the incarnation and excels here his penchant for playing jerks, hams and gravely voiced guys all coalesicing. Pete is planning on building what modern toxicly masculine weirdos such as himself would call a Man Cave on his lawn, because Pete is a very SPECIAL kind of douchebag. He also plans to stretch it into the neighboring property, tear down the house there and set it up.

This is news to his wife Peg, played by fellow voice acting Legend whose stillg ot it, April Winchell in her star making role. Peg is Pete’s strong willed wife who dosen’t put up with her husbands crap.. you know that trope that infected sitcoms for kids and adults of the doofy husband whose either a manchild , a skeevy self serving quipy asshole or some horrible combination of the two. The kind that has still been so prevealant the wife from one of said sitcoms helped produce a show about the wife finally doing the logical thing and plotting to kill the bastard. No really.. that’s an actual thing that’s happening. It’s even got a Little Bit of Alexis as Anne Murphy plays the poor, poor wife.

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And why yes the series is called Kevin Can Fuck Himself. And why yes said former sitcom wife was the same one on a sitcom called Kevin Can Wait who was fired because they wanted to retool the show with the wife from Kevin James other sitcom. That also is very really a thing that happened. Payback is a bitch aint it? Fun too.

But yeah from minute one Pete is a terrible husband: Peg is a realtor and thus is trying to sell the house because it’s her fucking job instead of letting her husband throw their family deep in debt to very likely illegally demolish a house so he has a giant yard to play in. I mean even if this is all played for jokes i’ts just not funny enough to not make him an utter bastard. The fact his response to her VERY valid criticism and subtextual worry he doesn’t’t take her career seriously is to fake a panic attack, from a very REAL tendency he turns out to have giant breakdowns under stress, to try and guilt her into letting him have his giant public man cave just backs this up.. as does the fact she simply glares at the camera as he’s clearly DONE this before.

Since I have to put up with this version of him for the rest of this episode, the next, AND a portion of the movie, i’m proudly introducing the Pete Sucks Counter. This will carry over to any other appearances of the guy from here on out. So that’s one for his insane plan, one for disrespecting his wife’s career and one for faking a panic attack to try and win an argument Pete Sucks Counter: 3

So because this episode ran short Peg caves and compromises: He can have the property if it isn’t sold by 9. So Pete does what ANY husband would do: uses his spy camera and booby traps he’s set up in the other house to try and scare away prospective buyers.

Yeah.. while the show TRIES to have Pete not as his old-timey villian self.. they traded in for him being fucking MODOK. I mean he is a grotesque monstrosity who has a nuclear family and spends all his time in a chair thing and can barely function as a Husband or Father. Though at least I can belivie MODOK LOVES his family which not so much with Pete.

To prove this Pete tries using a fake spider to scare some buyers then CALLS THEM TELLING THEM PEG IS A CON ARITST. I.e. something that if they mention to her bosses could get her FIRED. He respects his wife’s autonomy, what she wants and what she’s asked him for, which is a fair shot to sell the place before he tries to wreck the place, as well as likely what his neighbors want. I mean I can accept breaks from reality for comedy, snakebird is my boy.

So I can accept pete has this stuff.. I just can’t find it funny when these shenanignas very transparently show that while he surface level loves his wife he dosen’t respect her or actually listen to her except when she gets angry. He IS the villian so he’s still a slight step among monst sitcom dads but i’ts not great. I can find it funny that his den also functions as a super villian lair though. That shit will never not be great. Also Pete Sucks Counter: 6 For the record: one for the spider itself, one for having traps set up in a property hat both isn’t his and his wife is trying to sell and another for threatening her job and her self esteem as she is baffled at what she possibly did wrong.

So Goofy and Max get on the road, leaving moving the rest of their stuff to an old coot whose a friend of theres. So it’s goodbye Duckburg, Hello Spoonerville! And yes I headcanon this as Duckburg. Goof Troop is one of two shows that very clearly happened in SOME form, the other being Tailspin, the only difference being the time period (Goof Troop taking place in the 90′s and Tailspin in the 30′s or 40′s) and any adjustments for clashes with the 2017 verse. So going off that, we also know Donald and the boys KNOW goofy and didn’t remotely question his presence, as did the rest of the cast.

So figuring out the timeline, Goofy likely met Donald in college, even if he never finished college as per an Extremley Goofy Movie, which may not happen the same exact way given Goofy still has his old job and may not loose it in this timeline, though i’d like to think he still meets Sylvia. But point is he drops out, possibly to marry Max’s mom, they end up moving to Duckburg for her work, she sadly dies, and Goofy is left raising Max alone. Donald and Goofy likely bonded as single parents struggling in low paying 9-5 jobs. Goofy left here, likely said goodbye to Donald and the 5 or so year old boys offscreen , and left. As for how anyone else knows him that’s simple: he probably visits whenever he can. He’s a good friend, genuinely loves Donald like a brother in all continuities, and of course would show up with a progressively more then less grumpy Max every time. As for what I think the rest of the cast would think of him: Scrooge would hate him for his disaster area ways, but at least respect him as a hard worker, he just wouldn’t personally hire him which is.. it’s fair. Beakley would be aggravated by him. Webby would of course like him because she’s essentially him but competent and gay, and Launchpad and him .. god that’d be a joy to see. And drive up Scrooge’s insurance. Della would also like him obviously. I”m really disappointed we didn’t get a season 4 if for nothing else the fact we probably would’ve got another Goofy episode. It also feels weird he’s not in the finale in any way shape or form you know? Why have such a big guest spot for him and then just not bring him or Max back? GIVE ME MORE MAX DISNEY DAMN YOUUUUU So they move right along with Goofy excited to get back to where he once belonged, and to call Pete with the good news on his 90′s cell phone. Pete is utterly TERRIFIED finding out Goofy Comin and tries to send him off course to prevent it. Naturally despite nearly running into a truck, Goofy makes it to Spoonerville by evening anyway and we get a delightful bit that shows off BilL Farmer’s comedy skills as he rapidly lists off all the things in town while driving Max through town. It’s so damn smooth. This also is notable since before this farmer had just played the character in some DTV music videos, which stands for Disney not Denton but god I now want Shock Treatment with the Disney Crew. I mean who wouldn’t want Donald as Brad, Daisy as Janet, and Gladstone as Farley Flavors I ask you. Not sure who every one else would be i’m sorting that out. And if you don’t know what Shock Treatment is, here have this trailer with a nightmarish opening.

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Dammit now I want to watch Shock Treatment again... so I am. Found it in full on YouTube, and I feel no shame in sharing that as it’s not on VOD, nor any streaming service, the DVD, which I own, is out of print, and the Blu Ray is a UK exclusive. This film both needs to be seen more and needs another proper US release damn it!

So naturally Goofy somehow finds Pete’s house.. I dunno maybe Peg’s been sending him letters. Can’t blame her for having a wondering eye long as she dosen’t act on it. She’s married to a walking lump of ego, selfishness and cholesterol and likely only held on as long as she did for the kids. Which for the record Peg as a child of divorce whose parents got divorced rather than keep up a sham marriage or anything.. it’s not worth it. I was MUCH happier that way in the long term.

Anyways Peg and Goofy happily reunited while they awkardly try to get the kids to meet, with Goofy and PJ not warming up to each other at first, likely because Max just lost all his friends, and PJ clearly had none going into the series from context we’ll get later in the pilot. We also get a hilarious bit where Peg alternates between warmly greeting the goof’s and hilaroiusly shouting at Pistol to not play with worms.. in what honestly sounds like a protype for Miss Finster’s voice.

Meanwhile the kids try to hide a small crack in Pete’s boat.. which he notices as he’s just about to steamroll the house despite NOT having asked Peg if she sold it yet and just assuming, possibly opening himself and her to a lawsuit

Pete Sucks Counter: 7

Discovering his boat is trashed, he has a comical panic attack, which I can forgive since this was 1992 and they weren’t as well known as a serious problem. Seriously while pete is a bastard man.. the animation on him is GORGEOUS as it is HILARIOUS, while Jim Cummings brings the hell out of it. He’s kept the roll for three decades as of next year for a reason. Goofy ends up accidently destroying his boat in the process of trying to help him as you’d expect.

So Pete reluctantly lets the goofs sup with them.... and by reluctantly I mean he don’t wanna but Peg’s forcing him, which is pretty much the other half of their relationship in a nutshell: When pete isn’t lying and betraying her, Peg is forcing him to do stuff. As you can probably guess by how harsh i’ve been this aspect has aged INCREDIBLY poorly for me. This is your standard sitcom setup: asshole or dumbass or both dad, put upon wife who has to keep him in line.. but it’s just not how a GOOD marriage works and got so damn draining over time. Again and again we got things saying marriage is awful, comitting sucks unless your young, again and again. It’s why i’m REALLY happy we’ve been getting far better sitcom dad’s and marraiges lately. Bob’s Burgers is naturally the example, with the wife being the less sane one but both having their quriks and neither being so entirely dysfunctional you ever question the marriage. The Louds are another good example: Lynn Sr. And Rita NEVER right with each other that i’ve seen, have a perfectly happy relationship despite 11 kids, and wholly support each other, with Rita happily giving her husband the go ahead to quit his soul draining desk job so he could pursue his deream as a chef, and later letting him take a massive fincial gamble and open up a restraunt, purely because she belivied in him. Finally we have the Williams from Craig of the Creek who are easily one of the best married couples i’ve seen in western animation and one of them’s played by Terry Crews so that shoudln’t be a shock. I could prabobly find more but my points made: this trope REALLY ages the show poorly, more than any of hte 90′s specific tech or swinging theme song I just realized I forgot to talk about. Eh i’ll save it for the next episode.

I have NEVER liked this trope anyway: only simpsons has really made it work for me and Family Guy did until they just stretched it too far, and with Simpsons at least they freqeuently have episodes pointing out how unehalthy it is. It dosen’t help this trope somehow STILL isn’t dead, as evidenced by the fact Rick and Morty has it in spades and for SOME damn reason got them back together.. I mean they don’t fight anymore but it dose’nt fix the problem. So yeah while I’m not holding against the show TERRRIBLY as this trope wasn’t as widespread at the time, it still dosen’t make it GOOD even at it’s core.

Things get worse for Pete though as while Goofy praises him (And the Pete Kids rightfly wonder if Goofy is from space given the logic of ANYONE being that fond of pete. ) Pete finds out GOOFY bought the house he was going to demolish and will be staying with them till they move in. I have only one response to his misery....

Max also futzes with the tv which you THINK would lead to Peg finding out her husband is the antagonist of a Blumhouse movie but instead just does nothing.

So then we have Dinner where we find out SUPRISINGLY, Pete actually has a somewhat valid reason for resenting Goofy: Goofy cost him the big game in high school as Goofy and Peg were on the cheerleading squad together and Goofy accidently kicked pete in the face at a crucial moment, which Pete got the blame for. Granted I did say SOMEWHAT: Goofy is genuinely apologetic and says Pete shouldn’t of been blamed and Pete’s apparently been hiding the truth from his kids this whole time. I do call bullshit on that as while admittedly i don’t get into local football or any sportsball, Pete works at a dealership. At least one asshole would bring it up to either rile him up or out of genuine rage at something that happened at the very least a decade and a half ago. Pete hasn’t let go of this footbullshit DESPITE owning a successful dealership, having two wonderful children, an even more wonderful wife, and a friggin nice boat. But really.. it speaks to Pete’s character in any version: His ultimate undoing is his greed, his tendency to keep going and never settle. It’s something he oddly shares with Donald but Pete lacks Donald’s’s heart or redeeming moments. Pete just wants and wants and wants no matter who gets hurt because he’s inehently selfish and will simply TAKE It if he can’t get it. But it’s why he’s miserable, and ultimately ends up divorced: He can’t be satisfised so he often looses what he has.

So with Pete on the rampage Peg sends the boys upstairs. It’s here we get PJ’s first Woobie Moment: He has a room FULL of cool toys, comics and what not but his dad is such a greedy asshole he refuses to let the kid actually use them. He even knows this isn’t normal but is just resigned to it. Rob Paulsen is phenomenal as PJ, being funny and energetic, snarky and off to the side or depressed and fearful all with grace and ease and all making this all feel like the same sweet kid.

I mention this because Paulsen’s action is so good it highlights an issue with PJ: the writers lean way too hard into how much a hardass Pete is, to the point the series, likely intentionally, HEAVILY implies he physically abuses pete and the stuff on screen isn’t over the top enough, at least for tehse episodes, to get away with how he emotionally abuses him either. He talks down to him, doesn’t let him play toys and as seen by various episode synopsis and the next episode, uses mind games to keep him in line. THIS is why I can’t stand this version of Pete. He’s an abusive monster to this poor boy and I won’t stands for it, nor it being played off as a joke, especially since they try to ping pong between using it for comedy and using it seriously which just.. doesn’t work.

So Max earns his future best pals’ friendship by trying to help him.. and succeeding by pointing out that while he said not to use the Tank anywhere on the ground.. he didn’t mention the celling or walls and has the tank going up the walls. And clearly by the fact PJ is seen sleeping with it later, despite Petes’ss anger at this, Peg presumably ripped him a new one once she found out about the toys thing.

So that night Pete can’t sleep with Goofy tromping around the house and tries to whack him with a Golf Club. I’d give him another sucks count..

But given my brother lives in the basement and I sometimes accidently wake him by tromping overhead without meaning too, I DO get getting a bit fed up with someone clomping around and waking you up, and it is a slapstick cartoon so trying to physically assault someone is less of a crime here and more a setup for a punchline.

So get an UTTERLY hilarious scene as teh combination fo tripping on golf balls and Goofy singing his family lullabye, camptown races with lyrics

So Pete proceeds to have another freak out this time RUNNING ALL THE WAY TO DUCKBURG, THROWING THE OLD MAN OUT OF THE CAR AND THEN BRINGING IN THE GOOF’S BEDS AND BOXES BEFORE TOSSING THEM IN THE HOUSE. It is truly an amazing combination of Jim’s utter talent as he babbles hialriously and the animators as they just make it sing. It’s a great climax to part one. So with that the goofs are home and Pete semeingly gets to go to sleep.. until they start working on unpacking.

Final Thoughts On Good Neighbor Goof:

This is an excellent start to the series. The jokes are really well paced, the characters well introduced and the humor top notch> I had my complaints obviously.. but i’ts more systemic issues with the series, and stuff that honestly it dosen’t hamper my viewing experience for the most part. The PJ stuff does, but it’s not as big a deal this episode as he barely interacts with his Dad, but otherwise it’s stuff that just hasn’t aged well and they can’t be faulted for not seeing a deluge of terrible sitcoms a comin. The cast is top notch: I didn’t get to them in the proper review so Dana HIll deserves praise as Max, giving just the right amount of 90′s TV Kid mixed with real honest emotion and i’ts a tragedy she’s gone. She would’ve been right up there with the rest of this amazing cast in history. Though at least she got a worthy succesor.. but that’s not for now. For now we’re taking an interlude to look at the wonderfully 90′s music video that was aired along with this special:

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Gotta Be Gettin Goofy:

This was my raw reaction to this video. Now is it bad? No the song has great flow it somehow manages to scratch Bill Farmer’s goofy vocals with the beat, the rapper makes the cheesy lyrics work, and the chorus of “gotta be getting goofy” backs a great bit. It’s not a bad SONG.. but the video is a hilariously insane mess. We have two of the poor dancers forced to wear just.. HORRIFYING looking Goofy costumes that look like the Dog based sequel to cats that thankfully only exists in my nightmares

I pityt hose poor dancers. Meanwhile the rest of the dancers are wearing Goofy Baseball uniforms and letterman jackets for some reason. is it beause Goofy likes sportsball. I thoguth they just had them lying around but now I see the g’s on the uniform. They CHOOSE to do this. Max also does a shredding guitar solo, not the max up there the animated max. Combine that with LOTS OF random clips from the show and you get this thing.. and i’ts worth a watch> it’s just hilarously what the shit.. not the most hilariously what the shit thing i’ve seen.. not even this week... that would be this thing from the Eurovision Song contest...

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Your welcome. So moving on because this is already badly behind.

Good Neighbor Goof:

So our second episode opens with the Goof’s trying to move in and pete being upset their being loud. Now being upset your neighbors are being loud is one thing: Mine set off fireworks all week around fourth of July. Granted Pete would probably be the one doing such nonsense but still, I get it.. but it’s fair to have a lot of noise when your moving in and in Goofy’s case also trying to patch up a massive hole in the place.

So he does what any reasonable man would do and activates the earthquake machine he hid in the basement.

I wasn’t kidding about the MODOK comparisons. Granted the thing uses a belt to somehow do this.. but it’s designed to SIMULATE AN EARTHQUAKE AN DDOES SO WELL. The only reason Goofy’s not dead is that pete uses a low setting that instead ends up unpacking everything. IT’s a neat gag but again... PETE HAS AN EARTHQUAKE MACHINE.

Which Goofy accidently destroys his boat with. Meanwhile the boys try to talk over tin can phones only for Pete to notice and try to stop it because he’s a dick and doesn’t want his son to be happy because he hates Goofy. So Pete’s idea of a punishment is for PJ to wear the family shoes to go crush cans while wearing a helmet and given Pete mutters to himself about this keeping PJ away from Max i’ts likely something that he made up to torture his son soooo..

Pete Sucks Counter: 8 Max being a good pal agrees to help his friend crush the cans down to recycle for money and comes up with a zany scheme to do so

Meanwhile we get a few scenes of Pete trying to eff with Goofy’s day: Peg is making food for Goofy like a good neighbor/someone planning for their eventual divorce, so Pete makes him some too with tons of hot sauce. By the laws of classic cartoons, naturally Goofy loves it and wonders if Pete has hot sauce, while Pete trying it explodes his head Scanner’s style.

He then tries giving Goofy a chainsaw loaded with some kind of explosive or something... so yes he’s esclated to MURDER over.. Goofy annoying him a bunch as he’s apparently given up on the whole taking over that lot thing.

Pete Sucks Counter: 9 But it is hilariously petty and naturally backfires again by cartoon law as Pete ends up starting it for Goofy who can’t get it going.

Meanwhile PJ and Max inact the plan which is to drop a bolder with a rope on the cans, but end up having to ride the cans down when PJ lets it go too early and it ends up sweeping both boys on top of the box. They have fun though, with PJ actually getting to enjoy life for once and loving having a new friend.

So as his lot in life Pete has to ruin it by yelling at PJ for getting diryt, then for hanging out with max as he can SMELL the goof on him.. which means he’s either exaggerating or he knows what goofy smells like.

So he forbids PJ to see him insluting max.. while Max is hanging out the window and ends up crying. Oh and Peg never gets involved in any of this across both parts, likely because she dosen’t know.. which makes it even MORE horrifying as it gives off the implication Pete gets away with his abuse of his son because he hides it, like a real world abuser. But even then some things like trying to break up his and Max’s friendship or the toys thing you’d THINK she’d notice.

So we get more untetionally telling stuff as PJ says he’ll treasure this day and the only time he was happy.

Pete Sucks Count: 14 2 for the last scene, 3 for ALLL this one implies. But Max won’t give up the ghost no he won’t give it up. They haven’t the strength to hold on for long but if they both hold on together they can make each other strong. So he has a plan: have Goofy throw a Luau and invite the petes.

Peg naturally forces him to attend and Pete is a dick about it at first, but eventually enjoys himself when they do a conga line. The pets, Waffles and Chainsaw get into some antics. I do love Waffles because I love a kitty. Chainsaw is okay even though I love me a good doggo. Especially this one.

You are a Good Boy, Good Boy. But eventually while playing a party game about passing coconuts, Pete considers the coconut and considers the trees but dosen’t consider Goofy kicking him in the face AGAIN

So Pete is naturally a dick about this despite it being you know, an accident. But he takes it a step further by insulting Max Pete Sucks Count: 15 So Goofy gets mad. But here’s where a rather sizeable flaw shows up in the episode as Goofy.. acts exactly like Pete does about the insuing feud. He forbids Max to see PJ makes up rules and is generally petty and vindictive. And look Goofy could be in the shorts. He’s endlessly adaptable.. but here nothing about his character has shown he’d sink to this and it feels forced to bring abotu the climax.

Thankfully said finale salvages thing: That night Max pulls PJ into his room via the cans, and comes up with a plan.. weirdly asking PJ to hit him with a muffin to save their friendship... but it’s not random it turns out. His plan.. is brilliant. While I really don’t like these types of feud between neighbors make our kids suffer by making them not be able to be friends because we’re being petty children plots, this one has a REALLY clever solution to that: Max and PJ FAKE an oversclated fued similar to their parents, starting with insutls and throwing mulch and escalting to taking down each others fences and then throwing food at each other, before injuring their dads with planks and stuff, nothing serious just slapstick stuff, all to get both to settle down and try and get the boys to stop fighting.. it works like a charm, it’s full of great bits like Peg offering the boys pie only for Max to use it as amuination and i’ts just a great way to end one of these episodes. Not that I WANT more of these episodes but if your going to do this stock plot you might as well be creative with it.

So we end on the Petes and Goofs having a BBQ, all friends again, with Pete having his marina and Goofy nearly burning Pete’s house down and us getting a photo to end the episode.

Final Thoughts:

This one was a step down. Pete’s abuse is REALLY highlighted here and the plot is very paint by numbers and forces Goofy to be out of character for the last act for it to work at all. He just strikes me as too genuine and noble to hold onto a grudge this easily. Peg is also reduced from her usual feisty self to being oddly useless, not stepping in at ANY point to stop any of this depsite it being grossly otu of character. There’s a few great gags and a great climax, but the whole product is just okay

Later Today: Goof Week and Goofy’s birthday continue as I complete the trilogy of Shortstaculars with one about my boy! Featuring Goofy’s first apperance, his first short and the first apperance of what would eventually become Max!

If you liked this review, follow me for more and consider joining my Patreon which you can find RIGHT HERE. Even a buck a month helps me keep doing these and more gets me to my stretch goals, the next one up being the two remaining ducktales mini series, a darkwing duck episode a month and a reivew of the danny phantom film the ultimate enemy. And even a buck a month gets you access to exclusvie reviews, my patreon exclusive discord and to pick a short any time I do one of my shortstaculars. My next one is for Donald’s birthday next montha nd there’s only 6 days left to get on that pay cycle so if that sounds good to you get on in NOW while you still can and i’ll see you at the next rainbow.

#goofy goof #goofy #goof troop #max goof #P.J. Pete #PJ Pete #Pete Pete #Peg Pete #Pistol Pete #Sponerville #Gotta Be Getting Goofy #disney channel #the disney afternoon #disney afternoon #disney xd #disney plus

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legionofpotatoes · 3 years

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we decided to watch all story cutscenes from the new resident evil village videogame on a whim, since it’s not really our cup of tea gameplay-wise but seems to be this massive zeitgeist moment that made us morbidly curious. And I know how much everyone cares about my thoughts on things I know very little about, so. let’s get into it huh gamers. and yeah spoilers?

for context, I’ve only played resident evil 4 and a small portion of 5. I also read the wikipedia entry for 7’s plot recently. all this to say I was only vaguely aware of how tonally wacky the series was going in

I also completely gave up following the plot of the mutagens’ soap opera, so that paid off in spades here as you might imagine

anyway so that baby in the intro. that baby’s head is just massive. humongous toddlerdome. when ethan finds the baby’s head in a jar later on. there is no way that head would fit into that jar. bad game design. no not even game design. basic stuff. one hundred years in prison for jar modeler

if I see a single functional hetero marriage in video games I will cry tears of joy. I understand their misery is kind of The Point irt them badly working through the hillbilly romp trauma but like. sheesh. at least set that up as an emotional story goal the plot will help resolve. but nope they start off miserable and it goes nowhere

I know I know the mia thing has a huge wrinkle in it but like. not really in terms of dramatic function?? set up a happy end to the re7 nightmare (miranda can keep up appearances for all she cares) and then take that all away from angry griffin mcelroy for manpain. it will still absolutely work to set up the dramatic forward momentum. why throw in this cliche Hollywood Tension in their marriage if you’re not going to address it oh maybe because it’s normalized as automatically interesting because nuclear families are a self-propagating pit of a very narrow chance at emotional happiness relying on social stigma to preserve their empty function oops my baggage slipped in yikes abort mission

I called him griffin mcelroy because I saw his face on twitter and. yeah. I will continue to do this occasionally. my house my rules

... fuck the reason I’m hung up on this is specifically because the rest of the game is so tonally dexterous (which is a shining point to me! more on that later!), and yet they felt weirdly compelled to create the aesthetic trapping of a family-at-odds trope without following it through too well. a sign of both the good and the bad stuff to come

but listen the real reason why I wanted to talk about any of this is to nitpick the fascinating backwards-engineered nucleus of the entire thing; in that this game essentially creates a melting pot of just SO many disparate horror tropes and then makes a no-holds-barred unhinged effort at weaving thick lore to piece them all together. it is truly a sight to behold. like straight up you got your backwoods fright night situation, your gothic castle vampires, your rural-industrial werewolves, and don’t forget your bloated swamp monsters over there, with then a hard left turn into robotic body horror, and the entire ass subgenre of Creepy Doll writ large, and the bloodborne tentacle monsters, and a hellboy angel bossfight, which rides on the coattails of a mech-on-mech pacific rim bonanza, and just jesus henry christ slow down

almost all of these are textural hijack jobs that don’t really get into the metaphor plain of any of those settings but the game sort-of makes an argument that the texture IS the point and revels in it. It is kind of admirable almost. The same reason why the intro felt boxed in and unmotivated is also why the rest of the game just blasts off of its hinges to the point of complete and self-indulgent tonal abandon. I kinda loved that about it. lady dimitrescu made sure to hold her hat down as she bent forward in mahogany doorways and then suddenly she’s a giant gore dragon and you settle in your temp role as dark souls man with Gun to take her ass down. Excellent??

this rhino rampage impulse to gobble up every horror aesthetic known to man comes to head when the game wrestles with its FPS trappings in what is the most hilarious solution in creating visceral player damage moments. Since most cinematics and the entire game is in first person, that leaves precious little real estate for the devs to work with if they really want to sell griffin’s physical crucible. To wit. This dude’s forearms. Specifically just the forearms. They are MASSACRED throughout the story. The poor man lives out the silent hill dimension of a hand model. by the end cutscene he looks like a neatly dressed desk clerk who had decided to stick both his grabbers into garbage disposal grinders just a few hours prior. like in addition to everything else it manages to rope in that tinge of slapstick violence into its general grievous genre collection except this time it IS for a lack of trying! truly incredible

but wait his miracle clawbacks from everything his poor paws go through are retroactively explained away, yes, but far too vaguely and far too late to console me as I sat and watched everyone’s favorite baby brother reattach an entirely severed hand to his wrist stump by just. placing it on there. and giving it a lil twist ‘n pop terminator-style. and then willing his fingers back into motion right in front of my bulging eyes. this game just does not care. it does not give a shit. and boy howdy will it work to make that into one of its strongest suits

cause generally speaking resident evil was THE premiere vanilla zombie content destinaysh for like a decade, right? and as the rest of the world and mainstream media started encroaching and bloodying its blue ocean it went and just exploded in every single conceivable horror trope direction like a smilodon on catnip. truly, genuinely fascinating franchise moves

yeah the big vampire milf is hot. other news; grass... green. although I do love the implication that her closet is just identical white dresses on a rack. cartoon network-level queen shit

apropos of nothing I’ve said there’s also this hobo dante-devimaycry-magneto man, and I can’t believe this sentence makes sense. anyway he made that “boulder-punching asshole” joke referring to chris redfield and it was probably the only easter egg that really landed for me and boy did it land hard. I have not seen him punch the boulder in re5, mind. I had only heard about how funny it is from friends. and here this dude was, probably in the same exact mindset as me, trying to grapple with that insane mental image. with you on that ian mckellen, loud and clear

I advocate vehemently against the shallow pursuit of hyper photorealism in art direction but I gotta admit it works really in favor of immersive horror like this. the european village shacks especially gave me super unchill flashbacks to my rural countryside retreat in western georgia. I could smell the linoleum dude. not cool

faces are weird in this game. can’t place it. nice textures, good animation, but the modeling template is... uuh strange? and the hair. it has that clustered-flat-clumpy look that harkens to something very specific and unpleasant but I just don’t know what. sue me

griffin’s mental aptitude to take all this shit in stride and end every seemingly traumatizing bossfight involving some fucking eldritch being yet unseen through mortal eyes by essentially throwing out an MCU quip is just. What the fuck dude? I mean that was funny how you casually yelled the f-word at a god damn werewolf that you considered a fairy tale an hour ago but are you like, all right?? it was swinging a sledgehammer the size of a bus at you, ethan

oh oh the vampires are afraid of cold and your last name is winters. I get it haha

Pro Gamer Nitpick: boss fights seemed a bit unnecessarily long?? idk why the youtuber we picked decided the ENTIRE propeller man fight counted towards the vital story scenes he was stitching together, but man mr big daddy lite there really had some get up and go huh??

why are they saying dimitrescu.. like that. is it really how you say that word or is the english language relapsing into its fetish for ending every single word with a consonant at all costs

I’m not saying it’s a dramatic miss of a twist in context of all that’s going on, but the “you died in the last game actually and have been DC’s clayface ever since” revelation is low-key. it’s. it’s just funny to me, I dont know what to say. century-old god-witch fails her evil plan after she mistakenly removes heart from what was definitely NOT just some white guy with eight fingers after all

chris realizing he’s about to become the player character and immediately swapping out his tsundere trenchcoat for the muscletight sex haver sweater

the little bluetooth speaker-sized pipe bomb he taped to his knife was nuclear?? really??? I must have missed something because that is just too good. I buy it though I totally buy it. chris just got them fun-sized nukes in his car trunk for, you guessed it, Situations

anyway this is all for now just wanted to briefly touch on how unexpectedly funny and tonally irreverent this seemingly serious game turned out to be. did not articulate any cathartic story beats whatsoever but my god it had fun connecting those plot points. he just fucking put his severed hand back on his stump and it Just Worked todd howard get in here

#text #another one in my bulleted review series with no rhyme or reason #sorry resident evil fans this could be a painful read pls turn away #i know almost nothing about it but i am gonna be super fake familiar and critical of this one hey ho

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tired-of-running · 3 years

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[Image Description: Purple Yam Cookie standing center frame. He has an annoyed look on his face, with a sweat drop for emphasis] "Purple Yam is a stereotype and was absolutely shafted by bad writing" and "Purple Yam having anger issues is valid and that aspect of him does not need to be 'fixed'" are not mutually exclusive. He's traumatized, and characters with trauma deserve to have what happened to them and how that trauma manifests taken seriously. However, he is ALSO an ‘angry, violent black man’ character and that deserves to be addressed.

Throughout both games he's in, Yam puts up with a lot. Getting stalked by Milk, yelled at and threatened by Milk, touched without his consent by Milk, the works. But he's not physically violent with other cookies. He has a shorter fuse when he's being fucked with or his boundaries are being violated, but he doesn't hurt anyone. Yeah, he yells at people when telling them they're bothering him, but does Milk ever take a hint? No. I'd be screaming at him too. And it's a joke to the entire cast. Yam is ALWAYS 'overreacting' despite being pretty calm in story mode and his lines outside of the Guild story don't even make sense with how overblown and angry they are.

Overall, Yam is painted as both too unstable and incompetent to make his own decisions, but also dangerous. Either way, he’s shown to need Milk to shut him down and hold him back when he’s upset when Yam is fully capable of rational decision making even when he's angry.

I’ve seen it all over Twitter as some cute quirk of their relationship, but it is REALLY fucking creepy to take Yam’s shouting, distaste for being touched, and general grumpiness at face value to depict him like a feral dog that's always pissed and about to attack someone, with Milk as his moral compass (especially if you see their relationship as romantic. Which then makes Milk touching/restraining Yam without his consent for affection even grosser. Yikes). It's not even authentic to the dynamic the characters have and shows some really concerning biases against Yam.

[Edit: Addition from Mod Croissant]

Milk is a white savior. From the moment they released, their biggest draw was the “opposites working together” aspect of the duo, which becomes insidious when you look at them and see a soft, peaceful white man next to a raging, brutal Black man. Milk gets away with pointing his weapon at Yam, following him without his consent, violating his boundaries, he also does literally save Yam. This becomes just one instance of characters violating Yam’s personal space/holding him up/just manhandling for comedic value, I realize this is a children’s game and this is slapstick humor but with how much Yam seems to hate being touched, it becomes less funny.

By both devsis and the fandom, Milk is justified as both the perpetual victim of Yam’s aggression but also perpetually the hero, for both “putting up with” Yam and overpowering him. Meanwhile Yam is portrayed as both ruthlessly aggressive yet too unstable and irrational to make his own choices. This just solidifies Milk as a white savior, constantly pitting and comparing him to Yam, who’s writing and treatment by devsis just worsens.

Not to mention Milk is a crusader, the people who committed genocide and forcefully converted jewish people and muslims under threat of torture and violence. Yep. That’s our hero. (/sarcasm)

Yam is allowed to be angry, he puts up with quite a lot from other characters and is suffering from trauma/PTSD. It’s a matter of how his anger is painted by the creators, and perceived by the audience. Yam is not given much depth, he’s surface level angry at seemingly everything and is mocked, belittled, and never taken seriously by the characters around him or the game’s creators. The game paints a harmful stereotype, and the fandom perceives a harmful stereotype and runs with it.

It’s important to remember how he’s portrayed and that he isn’t just angry all the time. You don’t have to be particularly observant to notice the more heroic parts of his character, how he showed up to help Creampuff in CRK and how he’s never raised a weapon at another cookie unprompted. Hell, if he can put up with Milk’s bullshit, he’s clearly a lot more tolerant than devsis gives him credit for. I love it when I see people dive deeper with his character and flesh him out, I wish that was more prevalent than the crap we get from fans.

#🕒 Mod Timekeeper #mod croissant 🥐#long post #cookie run discourse

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actualbird · 4 years

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nobody (okay, well, 2 people DID ask, but it’s too late to change the title of this essay series now) asked but here are three main humor techniques i apply a lot in my fanfiction | a 2k word long post where i talk humor theory at you for entirely too long

I love humor. A good 75% of my personality is based primarily on whether or not it would be funny and thus, the study and application of comedy is something of a very big huge large interest of mine. I love watching standup comedy, I love telling jokes, but most of all, I love literature that makes me laugh.

I write humor, and I put a lot of thought into it, and here, I will do the least funny thing ever: I will over-explain my jokes.

Before we do that, we must set some ground rules first. What is humor? Well, in Humor: Its Origin and Development, Paul McGhee contends that no single theory could encapsulate the entirety of humor. Additionally, according to McGhee, humor does not physically exist. It is, instead, a perception brought about by certain scenarios with certain characteristics. What we can take away from here is that first, humor is vast, and there are many ways to both explain it and achieve it, and second, that humor is something caused by certain other things.

I do not claim to be an expert in humor, just an enthusiast, so what I will not be giving a cheat code to humorous writing. I will, instead, share three techniques that I frequently use and explain how they work.

The three techniques are the following:

INCONGRUENCY: Things that don’t fit.

SLAPSTICK: I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

CHEKOV’S GAG: If the gun is there, it better be funny.

My examples for each of these techniques will come from various sources of media. My examples of my own writing will all be coming from the most recent fanfic I have written, my Polygon Cyberpunk Red high school au “teenagers scare the living shit out of me.” Examples will sometimes have overlap in the technique they utilize, but I’ll try my best to keep everything clear on what exactly I’m trying to explain.

Without further ado, let’s jump right into it!

INCONGRUENCY: Things that don’t fit.

Göran Nerhardt, in McGhee’s book, states that “Humor is seen as a consequence of the discrepancy between two mental representations, one of which is an expectation and the other is some idea or percept.” Nerhardt’s definition of humor is one that relies on incongruity: wherein there is an element that is not in accordance with the other elements. An incongruous element is one that is not the expectation, and in this subversion of expectation, humor is achieved.

In simpler terms, a congruent situation would be “A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.” An incongruent situation would “A man walks into a bar. ‘Ow!’ He says.”

In the first example, everything is as expected, and in the second, the word “bar” has the characteristic of being a homophone, a word with different definitions. The second example takes advantage of the other definition of the word “bar”, that is to say a metal tube object, and thus the reaction of the man.

Incongruency plays on the unexpected, the out of place, and the odd. This technique in particular I learned from writers like Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett. They use incongruence, they use it A LOT but what I want to talk about is, first, its use as a descriptor.

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.” -Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“In a distant forest a wolf howled, felt embarrassed when no one joined in, and stopped.” -Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

Description is a fertile ground for humor. You have a thing, there are expectations to how that thing will appear or act, and then you describe it in a way that’s unexpected. I pull this trick off in so many fics, but here is an example from chapter 4 of the high school au.

Mr. Hypo sits at the desk in front of the classroom, staring all three of them down. Vang0, Dasha, and Burger are seated in the stupid circle again, looking at Robbie as it powers up like a man with gout.

Incongruency here is Robbie, the animatronic. Expectation is that it will be described in a robot like manner. Reality is that I describe it having the same condition that occasionally ails my nearly 50 year old father.

Aside from description, incongruence is also something I play around with in the events of situations themselves. The most clear example I can give is this scene, from chapter 6, is this:

Burger picks up the closest thing.

That thing happens to be Peter.

“Peter!” Burger looks at Peter in the eye as Edmundton picks up a chair and starts menacingly walking towards Burger. He says, very quickly “Do you consent to be used as a self defense projectile!?”

Peter, pigeonly, nods.

“Thank youuuuuuuu!” Burger yells as he throws Peter at Edmundton’s face.

The context of this scene is that Burger has just entered active combat. Combat is serious. Combat is deadly. Combat is hitting and getting hurt. So what’s something unexpected you can do in this situation to make it funny? Have Burger ask a pigeon if it’s alright with being thrown at an enemy, and then make Burger actually throw the pigeon at the enemy.

Incongruence is something that is present in a lot of humor situations and it’s very, very fun to play around with. Messing around with incongruence makes you think about what is expected in writing and forces you to think outside of the box in a manner that will elicit laughter.

Let’s move on to our next topic now!

SLAPSTICK: I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

Kevin Casper in his article I’m so glad you’re fake! describes slapstick comedy as a physical type of humor wherein actions are done in an excessive, ridiculous, and sometimes violent manner. Slapstick is Mr. Bean exploding a can of paint to paint his apartment. Slapstick is Courage the Cowardly Dog’s eyes popping out of his sockets when he sees something scary. Slapstick is the ending of Polygon’s video on Slapstick and Doom Eternal (a very good video about slapstick and horror violence) where Pat Gill gets hit in the face with a tube of paper.

The excessiveness of slapstick creates a non-reality for viewers to enjoy in safety. It is a type of humor that revels in the suspension of reality, but more than that, it is a type of humor that you particularly gain enjoyment from because of the fact that it’s not happening to YOU.

Now, I use slapstick comedy sometimes, but I deviate from excessiveness and instead lean more into that last thing I said. I write situations that are funny and that you also don’t want to ever happen to you as a person. One example of “fuck, that’s hilarious, but I hope it never happens to me” is the following scene from Spiderman: Into The Spider Verse, where Miles Morales, invisible, has to find information on Doctor Octavia’s computer. When he accesses the computer, he is met with this.

You don’t want this to happen to you. But damn is it hilarious that it’s happening to somebody else.

When I am creating scenes that I want to be funny, I think about whether or not it would be funnier if I made it excruciating for the characters involved. So excruciating that you really, really, wouldn’t want to be in that situation. An example of this technique in play is from chapter 4 of the high school au, where the gang are in a room they shouldn’t be in, somebody is about to come in and stop them, and they are all at the mercy of a program slowly, slowly uploading.

“Hey!” The somebody outside says, jangling the doorknob more violently. “Club time is over, nobody should be in this room!”

“Vang0, how long until the program is done?” Dasha hisses.

“43% Uploaded,” Vang0 says, panicked.

“Hurry.”

“I can’t make technology be faster.”

“Who’s in there!” The person outside yells.

“Should I answer?” Burger asks.

“Do not answer.” Dasha says.

Burger nods. “I’m gonna answer.”

“BURGER—”

“WE’RE JUST A COUPLE OF NOT FRIENDS. JUST LOOKING AROUND.”

“Who are you!” The person outside yells.

“Do not answer, Burger,” Dasha says, sounding like this conversation is actively shaving years off of her lifespan.

“But he’s asking,” Burger looks at Dasha then at the door then at Dasha again, looking very nervous.

“Just lie then,” Dasha tells Burger.

“Gotcha,” Burger nods, determined, and turns to the door to yell. “I’M NOT BURGER CHAINZ.”

“Oh my god,” Dasha thunks her head onto Vang0’s shoulder. “Is it done loading, yet?”

“98% Uploaded,” Vang0 says, feeling his blood pressure in a way he’s never felt before.

I make this situation worse for the characters by making Burger completely fail at being stealthy. As one reader told me about this chapter “I love Burger, but if I were in that room, I would strangle him.” Exactly! It’s not a situation you’d ever want to be in!

But the characters are in it and you get to enjoy their suffering from a safe vantage point as a reader.

Slapstick comedy is all about making situations outrageous and ridiculous and something readers wouldn’t want to legitimately experience. It’s about tapping into your audience’s mind and wondering what they want to see but not want to go through.

And last but not least!

CHEKOV’S GAG: If the gun is there, it better be funny

The principle of Chekov’s Gun is a principle that emphasizes that objects in a story should have a use. According to Bill in Chekhov: The Silent Voice of Freedom, Chekov says “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there.”

Chekov’s Gag is that same rule, but instead of the gun going off, the gun better be fucking hilarious at some point.

The first example I can think of is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In the beginning of the movie, King Arthur stops by a castle and asks the guards to tell their master that he is here. This exchange happens:

Now, this, on its own, is already hilarious. It plays on incongruence (guards being very enthusiastic about bird’s holding coconuts and the logistics of that), slapstick (if you were Arthur and you wanted to have a simple conversation, people suddenly talking about birds and ignoring you is not a situation you want to be in), but what about Chekov’s Gag?

To become Chekov’s Gag, this situation must be brought up again in a funny manner later in the movie.

And so it does.

An hour later in the movie, The Knights of Camelot are at the Bridge of Death. There, they have to answer 3 questions correctly. If they do not have an answer, they are shot into a deadly cavern of doom.

King Arthur steps up to answer his 3 questions. Here is what happens:

The African swallow or the European swallow has achieved Chekov’s Gag-age.

Chekov’s Gag is something I’ve only started doing recently, in fanfiction. An example of this in the high school au is that, in the first chapter, I introduce two things. 1) Peter, an overfed pigeon, and 2) Robbie the RoboDog, an animatronic of the school.

Throughout the fic, I don’t forget about Peter or Robbie. I bring them up again and again and I make sure to make their presence not just integral to the winning of the final boss battle in chapter 6, but I make their presence funny.

Chekov’s Gag is a new trick I’ve started doing, and it definitely requires foresight and planning. It makes you think long term but at the same time forces you to think about the things you already have present in your story and make you re-evaluate just how else they could be used. If done correctly, the effect is hilarity, but also deep, deep satisfaction.

So there we have it! Three humor techniques that I use in my fanfiction. Shit that doesn’t make sense, shit you don’t want happening to you, and shit that you saw a while ago which you’ll see again later and when you do, it’ll be awesome.

Thanks for reading!

#nobody asked but #long post

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fandomlurker · 3 years

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A Ponderous Rewatch: “Win Big”

And so we begin. For real, this time.

And to start, we have to go all the way back to Animaniacs season 1, episode 2, with the very first Pinky and the Brain skit which is named “Win Big”.

Interestingly enough, the duo are not directly trying to take over the world in this episode. The premise is that Brain needs money to buy the one part needed for his actual plan to take over the world using a machine he calls the “Super-Conductive Magnetic Infindibulator”, which will “deplete hydrogen and promote gravitational collapse [to produce] a magnetic charge from the center of the Earth so strong that every person who has loose change in their pockets will be magnetically drawn to the ground and stuck there”.

…

For those of you who are new to the series and for those of you who maybe can’t remember the show very well, I want to say that yes, what you’re probably asking yourself right now is true: Brain’s plans are almost always this complex and completely absurd with giant, glaring holes in logistics. There’s been a long-time “theory” that while their theme song says “one is a genius, the other’s insane” and intends to indicate that Brain is the genius while Pinky’s insane, it’s actually the other way around. And honestly? That doesn’t exactly hold up to any kind of scrutiny at all. Brain is actually a genius…he’s just also very, very short-sighted and lacks a lot of common sense. He’s so focused on his goal of world domination that he forgets to account for even the most obvious of details that would completely ruin what he’s trying to accomplish. And Pinky? Well, Pinky’s a lot smarter than he seems, but I wouldn’t exactly mark him as a genius. He’s just more worldly, more emotionally intelligent, and has a knack for pointing out the obvious. For you D&D nerds out there, think of it like this: Brain is a high INT low WIS character while Pinky is a high WIS low INT character.

As for which one is “insane”? Disregarding the…let’s just say “problematic” baggage that comes with that word, I’d argue that Pinky is just neurodivergent and Brain has a lot of problems. Like, a lot of problems. We’ll get more into that mess much farther down the line.

In any case, the opening of this episode has Brain pulling Pinky away from watching what is obviously supposed to be The Honeymooners, complete with “Bang, zoom, right in the kisser!” quote and everything. That quote, or one like it, was what the character Ralph Kramden would frustratedly yell at his wife, Alice, after she’d dismiss a get rich quick scheme of his. It was an ultimately impotent threat of violence, as he never did hit her. A lot of folks before me have delved into how messed up and controversial that whole running gag was, so I didn’t particularly feel the need to go over it here.

However, it does become immediately relevant because as Pinky laughs at the joke and excitedly quotes it while Brain is trying to get his attention, Brain reaches up and gently holds both their faces close for a few moments…

“Stop saying that, Pinky!...”

…then more aggressively tugs Pinky’s face down as he finishes with “…Or I shall have to hurt you.”

“Oh, okay. Sorry, Brain. NARF!”

Isn’t it interesting how the very first thing this series does is juxtapose Pinky and the Brain’s relationship with that of the main married couple on The Honeymooners? Like, it’s certainly not the most healthy of a relationship parallel to make, but in Pinky and Brain’s favour their world is governed by slapstick humour and thus any and all violence is much less serious. Also, there’s Pinky’s…uh…special relationship with physical pain that will become more apparent as the series goes on. Like, of course this kind of behaviour is wrong and appalling in real life, but this is a Warner Brothers Looney Toons-style cartoon and there’s a big difference between the two.

There’s also this little tidbit of information on the Animaniacs wiki regarding this episode and its writer, Peter Hastings:

“Although Peter Hastings has stated that he always tried to have Brain threaten to hurt Pinky but never actually hit him (because he felt this was both funnier and truer to the character), Tom Ruegger and the other producers would often have Brain actually hit Pinky. Even in this very first short, the Brain does follow through.”

Moving on, though, after Brain Rube Goldberg machine’s his way out of their cage and points out that Pinky has an “inordinately short attention span” after Pinky gets briefly distracted by another TV show that’s a very blatant parody of Jeopardy, he explains to Pinky his latest plan for world domination.

“EGAD, Brain, brilliant!”

“…Uh oh, no, wait…what if they take off their pants?”

^ The face of a man who somehow managed to forget that clothes are removable.

See what I mean about Pinky having a knack for pointing out the obvious? It’s very much needed to counteract Brain’s complete lack of foresight and introspection.

“Then…we’ll have to take over the world quickly.”

…Though there’s also something to be said for Brain’s stubbornness.

So they need a part for Brain’s machine called a Infindibulator, which is for some reason listed in the Farmer’s Almanac??? Which to my knowledge doesn’t sell anything at all??? Okay, Brain, whatever you say.

Brain actually kicks Pinky directly in the ass to get him up onto the Almanac to read it,

which would be alarming if not for Pinky’s completely happy and sincere “Thanks! :D” afterwards. It’s a mere hint to Pinky’s…predilections. I find it interesting that it’s so subtly foreshadowed in this very first short. I know you newer folks might think I’m joking, but I assure you I’m not. You will see.

As a side note, it’s so odd hearing Rob Paulsen’s early Pinky voice in these first several Animaniacs shorts. I’ve seen fans say that it’s more lispy than the standard Pinky voice that we’re all familiar with, but to me it just sounds like Pinky with a very, very bad cold and a stuffy nose. Get this mouse some nasal spray.

So Pinky finds the entry for the Infindibulator and it costs a whopping $99000. Where would two little lab mice find that kind of cash?

It sure is lucky and convenient that the TV is still on during that moment and tuned into an episode of Jeopardy—I mean “Gyp-Parody” (Really, writers? Really? In addition to being a horrible and lazy pun, I would rather not have to type a slur so much, so I’m just going to call it the name of the show it’s based on) where the reward for winning totals $99000.

And here we go, the first of its kind. The birth of the most famous running joke from Pinky and the Brain!

“Pinky… Are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

“I think so, Brain, but where are we going to get a duck and a hose at this hour?”

…Believe it or not, Pinky’s bizarre answers do have an explanation and a certain logic to them, but we find out the hows and whys much, much farther along in the series. That said, I’ll be damned if I know how he got to this particular train of thought right now. The inner machinations of Pinky’s mind are an enigma.

So Brain gets the idea to become a contestant on Jeopardy to win the amount of money they need for their plan. Pinky points out that the questions on the game show are very, very hard and Brain would have to get all of them right, and I just love Brain slowly turning his head to face Pinky with the most deadpan “Bitch, are you for real?” look on his face.

To Brain’s credit, he doesn’t berate the other mouse at all for his doubts. He just very calmly asks Pinky to quiz him about anything he can think of. When Pinky asks him “What is pie?”, well, see above for the summary of the answer Brain gives.

He then asks for a harder question, and Pinky asks him which TV character says “Bang! Zoom!—“ before Brain cuts him off with a wack of a pencil for quoting something inane and annoying him again.

Though he quivers a little before the smack, Pinky’s fine afterwards. Smiling, even.

And he happily gives Brain the answer anyway, complete with bows. “Ralph Kramden! TA-DAH! :D”

But Brain is insistent on preparing to go on Jeopardy, grabbing Pinky by the tail to drag him off-screen and Pinky is…

Hmm.

He’s, uhh, more than fine with it.

Now we get the debut of the human suit mecha. It’s quite the staple of the series; the go-to for a human disguise whenever the mice need one.

And it certainly is…something. You may be noticing the lack of a human head. Don’t worry about it. Brain certainly didn’t.

I love Brain’s playful little “Honey, I’m hoooome!~” when he pops his head out, despite having a deadpan look on his face the entire time. He’s having fun!

“Ahahaha! Oh, that’s a funny joke, Brain!”

“I am not devoid of humour.”

Pinky is having a little less fun with his tail accidentally tied along with the shoelaces, however.

It’s fine, he’s fine. He’ll be okay! Pinky is indestructible.

He’s a pocket pal now. He’s fine.

Makin’ my way downtown, walkin’ fast…~

Okay, sorry, he’s hailing a cab instead. Effectively, too!

Oh hi, Warners, nice to see you! Doing a literal running gag, I see. Nice, nice.

Goodbye!

So if you were wondering how regular humans would react to Brain’s “clever” and totally made without proper foresight disguise, well…

“Wh—HOA! Hey, if you don’t mind me askin’, bub, what happened to your head?”

“Nothing. I am a mouse in a large, mechanical suit.”

“Hehehehe! Okay, all right, my fault for askin’, right? Heh.”

Yup. This isn’t the first time this kind of thing happens. I guess since they’re in Hollywood the taxi driver’s seen worse.

So Brain gets on the show (don’t worry about how, shh) and the announcer calls him “Brian” instead and Brain politely tries to correct him. I can’t exactly fault the announcer because 1. “Brain” isn’t a name and 2. Look at Brain’s gloriously messed up handwriting.

The host walks on in. It’s pretty cute that they gave him the parody name “Alex Quebec”. It’s a suitable pun and rhyme to hint at the fact that Alex Trebek was born in Canada. Rest in peace, Mr. Trebek.

The first question is in the category of celebrity shoe sizes and asks what size sandals Plato wore. Umm. Okaaaaay… Thank goodness this show first aired before websites for foot fetishists cataloguing celebrity feet was a thing. Also is it just me, or does that font looks like something off of The Simpsons?

I don’t know if I should be worried or not that Brain got the correct answer to this question. (Seven and a half, if you’re curious.)

Question two is totally a trick question, though. There’s no such place as “Lestho”. “Lesotho”, however, is a real kingdom in South Africa. King Moshoeshoe I was indeed the ruler in 1820 as Brain answers, although the place was called “Basutoland” at the time and didn’t formally become a kingdom until 1822.

Educational!

Question three is a normal if extremely hard question for anyone unfamiliar with geographic locations off of the southeast of Asia. There are a lot of correct answers, and Brain answers correctly with “Bikar, Ailuk, and Ailinglaplap”. As this post notes, he is totally flexing on everyone by naming very obscure coral atoll islands that are some of the furthest neighbours from the Isle of Yap.

You smug asshole, Brain.

We don’t get the questions Brain answers correctly in the following montage, but we do get a close-up of his handwriting. Look at this. Just…look at it.

We get to see the aftermath of Brain’s monopolizing of the scores, though. The other contestants aren’t looking too good. Note that it seems there were times that they did manage to buzz in to answer before Brain did, but they must have got all of their answers or at least most of them wrong. They’re both in the negatives.

“Any plans on how you’ll spend your winnings?”

“Yes. I plan to take over the world!”

“...”

“…Ah haha, my fault for asking.”

Pinky claps and congratulates Brain on doing so well so far, because he’s a sweetheart like that, and

Brain flicks him back into the pocket. Man, you’re so quietly mean in this first episode, Brain.

Now it’s the final question, from the category “Quotable Quotes”. I remember this kind of category as usually being the easiest on Jeopardy, so it’s kind of surprising that it’s the Final Jeopardy question.

Uh-oh.

Looks like someone forgot that Jeopardy questions aren’t all science, history, and geography-related. Sometimes they’re about pop-culture.

Brain is…not very good with pop-culture. And Pinky’s been banished to the bottom of the coat pocket.

Whoops.

“Umm. Uh, who is, uhh… I, umm. Who is, uhh… Who is…uhh, Pinky…?”

Oh Brain, honey, it’s cute that you got so stumped and flustered that you just blurted out the only name that came to mind (and because Pinky was quoting it earlier, but still!), but it’s also so very, very sad.

Of course that’s incorrect, and Brain is just so monumentally defeated.

“And how much did you wager?”

“Everything…”

HUBRIS!

We then cut to the mice watching Brain’s horrible defeat on TV, and Pinky suggests a few other game shows they could try: Wheel of Misfortune, $10,000 Pile-A-Mud… The latter of which is supposed to be a parody of the old game show Pyramid, which wasn’t around in that format by the time this episode aired, so…good luck with that one, Pinky.

But no, Brain doesn’t plan on going on any more game shows. He instead walks sadly over to their cage to rest for tomorrow night.

It’s then that we are witness to the birth of the other memetic exchange this show is known for:

“Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?”

“The same thing we do every night, Pinky: Try to take over the world!”

That wink, though. It’s the confident wink that sells this and tells us all you need to know about the Brain. No matter how bad his defeat, how humiliated he gets, or how sad he feels about failing, Brain always gets back to business sooner or later. He has determination on his side. And Pinky, of course.

And that was the very first Pinky and the Brain short! A pretty good start for the series, really. Nothing spectacular, and definitely not the worst, just a good start that sets the tone of the series well and establishes several of the running gags the show is known for. The creators pretty much have Brain as a character down right away: serious but not devoid of humour, single-minded, stubborn, egotistical, smart, and determined to meet his goals. There are a few things missing from him that we get later, and he certainly softens a bit by the time the spin-off starts, but they’ve set up a solid foundation to build on so far here. Pinky’s character is a little more nebulous in this episode, though. He’s shown to be generally good-natured, smarter than he first seems, easily distracted but well-meaning, and willing and able to help Brain achieve his goals. Still, he’s missing the much of the overwhelming kindness and his enthusiasm for Brain’s plans and awe at Brain’s intellect that he has as we go further through the series. I mean, there are hints of it here, too, but it’s much more understated compared to later on. Not to mention that Pinky gains a bit of a sassy side to him that somehow still manages to be friendly, like when you gently tease your friends while still caring about them.

I understand that you can’t really squeeze all of that into the first, like, fifteen minutes or so of a series, though.

Also, the animation for this episode wasn’t exactly the best of the series. There are points where Brain looks kinda muppet-y and Pinky is uncharacteristically gaunt and gangly. I mean, Pinky is usually a little gangly but not as hunched over and his nose stretched out so much. It’s not the worst, either, and serves as a decent baseline of how the characters look. Wang Film Production looks to be the animation studio behind this one, and I’d say their style is the most “normal” quality of the ones that get to animate for PatB. They do settle into a better and more consistent style for the show, so I’ll try and be on the look-out for that.

I’m not sure if the other posts I’m going to do on this rewatch will be quite so play-by-play as this one was. Since this is the first, I felt the need to establish in more detail the kind of things that happen in your average episode of PatB and the general rhythm of the show. I’m definitely going to try and include every instance of the ongoing running gags the series has, though.

I feel I should also say that from now on I might have to double or triple the amount of episodes in one post, too. There are some episodes in a long-running series like this where not too much of note happens, I’m sure, and I know at least a few are either silent shorts, cameos in other Animaniacs skits or little music videos and you can only get so much out of those entries.

Yes, music videos. Including a cameo appearance in a Macarena parody. I’ll prepare as best as I can to cringe so hard from secondhand embarrassment that I morph into a pretzel shape.

We’re only getting started, folks. Things are only going to get weirder and more interesting from here on out.

#Pinky and the Brain #PatB #Win Big

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lucidpantone · 4 years

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Visitations Preview Finale pt. 1

This finale chapter is getting so long so as a gift I thought I give you guys the first 5k.

Disclaimer: Same rules apply.

Italics is the past. If not, it's August 15th.

His atop a precipice.

A vantage point where all things come into view.

Where the decision to plunge himself into the abyss invites him in like a gaping wound but he chooses the latter a dance around the hardwood.

A dance.

Is that all it is?

Love and life a mere tango between two forms battling for governance; for the lead. The notion of control dangling in the air like some token of chance, a lucky charm, a rabbit’s foot. He’s frozen. Paused. In mid-air transition.

A live wire at a stop light waiting for the green. A brethren of the craniate in the peril of deoxygenation, mere seconds away from contorting his skeletal structure into hyperextensions.

He inhales.

Shoulder and neck slanted on an incline. He pushes towards gravity and lets the slab of maple [swish] the surface. The wheels of his board drawing everlasting as he brushes figure eights. The male body truncating in the air like an oversized bolt drilling down a sealed vault. His thoughts [swirling] through him like a polar jet stream. Icy and ferocious. Early day discussions on fast forward and repeat.

“I need my meds recalibrated doc” Sander mumbles out.

“Hmmmm” The doc sounds apprehensive.

“It looks like you have had a recalibration every year for the past 3 years.” The doc thumbs through Sander’s medical chart.

“Are you sure this isn’t a symptom of all the stress you’ve been under? The grand opening tonight? The financial pressures?”

“NO!….I mean yes, but no, I’ve been edgier than usual but that's not why” Sander states adamantly.

“Plus, I'm having trouble sleeping.” Sander tacks that one for good measure knowing if anything they will re-up his sleeping aids.

They weren’t all lies he thought to himself as he swung like a pendulum from side to side on the crown jewel. Loud cheers and celebratory adorations coming from the gallery space; breaking him out of his reflections. He can’t avoid the crowd much longer. The party is in full swing and he needs to go make the rounds. Poetic discussions about his vision await him; descriptions about the counter duality of dark and light, functional or utilitarian, for profit versus non profit but he wasn’t in the mood. He was proud of himself, he knew that much and though he relished in his attendees jovial shoulder taps and glass raises it all felt empty. His exterior soaked up in white lies when questioned about the space's interior. His slapstick smile perfected to compliment his pheasant plumage as he peacocked around the room; hosting duties increasingly onerous as the guest list questioned him about the young hot shot architect that he had collabed with to create such an impressive view.

“Can we meet him?” They’ll ask, but they won't be able to.

He bailed, or so that’s what he texted Sander that morning. His usual slew of excuses that he hid behind as to why he couldn’t make it back to Antwerp. Back to Sander. Same reasons as to why he’d always be the first to drop off on a conference call between him, Sander and the contractors. Why he’d walk the space with everyone but his counterpart. Purposefully avoiding displays of patronage or binary settings on life’s stage. An agenda via obstruction; creating an alternative universe in which the skater boy and his artist were destined to miss each other every time.

As Sander continued to surf the half pipe the laws of thermodynamics began to dilute his intentions. Velocity and gravity leaving him as the wheels underneath screeched to a halt cutting off the tracings of eternity he had swiveled onto the plywood.

It was time for the dog and pony show.

Time to hot trot around man made obstacles displaying prowess in form. Sander kicked up his board and walked off the ramp’s flat and jumped down onto the cement floor. Leaving the amber coated world that housed a statuesque half pipe in the backdrop with the autograph R+S marred onto its body when he heard the [click] of a lock. He’s body instinctively flinched as the knob to the door twisted open and the sounds from the other world serenaded their shangri-la.

Sander took a step back as a shadowy figure emerged from the darkness of the tattoo shop’s working space. Hues of black splaying across the cement finish. Sander’s eyesight travelled from the floor to the figure holding onto the door and gave a mocked laugh in disbelief.

Robbe took another step forward, let go of the door, and let it slam shut. Instantly killing off the volume from the outside. Entering the space where the other half of a war torn love story survived.

The story of a pair of star crossed lovers enveloped in a love quagmire.

Robbe cranked the lever.

The car door flew open.

“Careful there. If you don’t treat it well you’re going to break it” Luc teased out to Robbe.

Robbe pushed himself off Luc’s ride, his body seesawing between two worlds when he stepped out onto the pavement.

The night was inviting. The spirits of the dead were amongst the living. Or so, that's how the legend goes..

Of course Sander would choose ole hallows eve to host his Grand Opening. It was fitting for him. A night wrapped up in the witching hour. Where the spirits of the past are able to walk side by side amongst those prepared to sin. Unknown entities, ghouls and those who feed off the darkness of others dancing around the room whispering bad intentions into well intentioned beings.

This night was a trap but neither of them knew it yet.

“Can you hold this?” Robbe asked Luc as he handed him two black frames wrapped up carefully with black tissue paper to protect the glass from any scratches. He took a moment to fix his black shirt and ruffled out his black mid length pea coat and then took back the frames off Luc’s hands.

Robbe noticed Luc’s slight displeasure at his primping and quickly readjusted the frames underneath his right arm and went to grab Luc’s hand with his left.

“Hey don’t get in your head. Ten minutes and we are in and out and then we can go to dinner with my mother. I know it's weird but Jann is a client who owns a ton of other businesses and it’d be stupid of me to mess up future possibilities. This is strictly business nothing else.”

“Promise?” Luc questioned.

Robbe narrowed his brow and tilted his head to one side in an inquisitive manner.

“Don’t you trust me?”

Luc tipped his head downwards and plastered on a fake smile in agreement. Luc squeezed his lover’s hand and they walked towards the shop's facade as the Halloween vibes speed skated around them and the veil between two worlds began to thin.

“ROBBEEEE!!!!!” Jann screams out amongst the crowd.

“You came” Robbe gives Jann a little wave as he walks over to Robbe clearly a little intoxicated enjoying the celebrations. Jann was the majority investor in Sander’s tattoo shop and someone he and Sander had known for years. Jann was practically a giant. He towered over the crowd at 6’5ft (195cm). He claimed his height was a genetic trait of being born in Eindhoven. He was in his mid fifties but you would never be able to tell. He was covered in full sleeve tattoos and wore his black t-shirt and leather pant uniform everyday since the first day Robbe met him on his 18th birthday.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It was such a pleasure working with you.” Robbe schmoozed him.

“Jann this is my boyfriend Luc. Luc this is Jann he is the investor in this project and the poor soul who trusted me not to mess it all up” Jann roared out a half drunken laugh and gave Robbe a slightly to forceful pat on the back.

Jann leaned into Robbe’s neck which caused Luc to raise a brow and began whispering secrets at a low volume.

“We got approved” Jann confirmed. Robbe looked up at him and pointed his index finger downward towards the white floor of the gallery space. Jann shook his head in confirmation and continued to add on.

“And the community park license so we can teach lessons out back in the skate park” Robbe’s face lit up like a light bulb. He never thought the crazy plan he concocted months ago would actually work. His idea to try to register the gallery and public park as charity spaces actually came through and most importantly saved Jann a ton of money meaning he wouldn’t try to refurbish them into business spaces anytime soon.

Robbe scanned his white surroundings in attempts to find a mop of lunar hair sticking out but nothing in sight.

Jann noticed Robbe scanning the room so he pointed him towards the back.

Robbe excused himself for a moment and as he walked towards the back of the tattoo shop Jann yelled out.

“Robbe don’t forget about our appointment to cover up that shoulder tattoo. It's on the house.”

Robbe didn’t even acknowledge Jann as he transitioned from the white gallery space to the tattoo shops black working space. His all black outfit practically blended him into the wall paint. He got to the back door and twisted the handle. It was locked.

He twisted the bolt and heard it click.

As he pushed his body into the third space the amber earth tones consumed him and as serendipity should have it Sander was waiting for him.

Robbe took one more step forward and let the back door slam shut. It felt like all of sudden him and Sander were stuck in zero gravity.

In some type of suction vacuum where oxygen was limited.

“Hi” Robbe tried to cheerfully break the ice but that was short lived.

“What are you doing here? I thought you bailed?” Sander’s tone was loaded with so much poison that it stung Robbe.

“Well I changed my mind. I thought it’d be nice to finally see the finished product. You know since Jann, you and I have spent so many months working on it.”

Robbe was nervous. He kept fiddling with the frames. It felt like Sander’s gaze was dismantling him.

“It looks great by the way. The contractors did a great job. I mean it looked great when I walked the space last month with them but it's really impressive now that it's all done.”

“You were totally right about keeping the layout white, black and into earth tones. Oh and I brought you a gift.”

Robbe tired to hand Sander the frames but Sander made a hands all full gesture as he held up his Element skateboard. Sander walked over to a table that looked like it had been set up for drinks placement and slid his board underneath it.

“Just put the frames on top. I’ll grab them later.” Sander directed Robbe.

“I didn’t know you still had the old Element I brought you.” Robbe stated.

“Old habits die hard.” Sander threw back at him.

Robbe just shook his head up and down in agreement.

Robbe looked out towards the ramp and just took it all in for a moment.

“Remember when we went to go get this thing from that crazy guy in Ghent…..” and before Robbe could even finish the story Sander cut him off.

“I thought you were here for business? Or are you ready to go down memory lane now?” Sander’s tone made it very clear that he wasn’t in the mood for Robbe’s fake banter.

Robbe turned his body to look directly at Sander. It always took both of them aback how each other's gaze always felt like they were baring their souls to one another.

Robbe and Sander could find so much tranquility in one another and yet so much turbulence at the same time.

Robbe finally broke the silence.

“I should have told you about my boyfriend”

Sander’s eyes widened and he bit his bottom lip. Robbe recognized this gesture; Sander was pissed.

“So, why didn’t you?” Sander shot back.

“Honestly, I didn’t think you cared. You never called me after the last time I saw you.”

Sander enunciated the next part.

“I DIDN’T CALL YOU?”

He then repeated himself again.

“I DIDN’T CALL YOU?”

“I am sorry that I’ve been busy trying to make one of the most important business deals of my life happen and didn’t have the time to fucking wait on you hand and foot.”

Sander ran his hands over his face to calm his temper. His cup runneth over with emotion.

“If you weren’t so damn selfish you would have realized I am stressed out of my damn mind. I literally have no money because I sunk it all into the shop and that I could easily lose everything if things don’t go well but of course you wouldn’t get that since you’ve never made those types of sacrifices for anything in your life.”

Robbe was really biting his tongue. He knew Sander was just stressed out and venting at him but Sander knew very well that Robbe had made those types of sacrifices time and time again for him above anyone/anything else.

“I think I should go” Robbe stated.

“I think you should go too. We should try to keep this little arrangement copacetic.”

Robbe turned his body to head for the door when Sander just couldn’t leave it alone.

“You were never one to stay anyways”

Robbe turned back to look at him knowing very well that Sander was harping on their esoteric love sonnet.

“I always knew you didn’t really have any fight in you” Sander was just slicing knife wounds in Robbe now and they both knew it.

“You know why I didn’t call…..”

Robbe looked straight at Sander. His beautiful brown eyes pleading with him to stop. Sander was starting to drag their love into purgatory but his impulsive need to punish Robbe apexed and Sander ran the spite laced knife right through Robbe’s heart.

“You were right. There is no us.”

He was reveling in the pain.

“There hasn’t been for a long time….and there’ll never be again.”

Sander drew out the knife from Robbe’s heart.

His hands coated in disgrace allowing his love to bleed out right in front of him.

It surprised Sander when he saw Robbe’s eyes darken and glaze over. It scared him. He got the reaction he wanted but seeing it materialize in front of him instantly made him want to take Robbe in his arms and tell him that he didn’t mean it but before he could even react Robbe ran out the door. Practically running over Jann in the process.

“Where is Robbe going?” Jann questioned.

“I told him it would probably be better if he left. He’s just so selfish”, Sander answered back.

“What?” Jann looked genuinely astonished.

“Jann stay out of it. It's none of your business.” Sander forgot who he was talking to.

“Look, I’ve known you two since you were a pair of teenagers getting sappy tattoos for one another so whatever it is, fix it, but more importantly this is my shop. So everything that concerns it is my business. Do you understand that? ”

Jann rarely took on the authoritarian stance he was exuding now. So Sander knew he meant it.

“I understand”

“Good because tomorrow I am calling Robbe and offering him the Brussels project for next year and if you happen to not fuck up before then I may get you in on it too”

Sander gave Jann a head tip in understanding.

Jann heads for the door to leave Sander to stew when he decides to teach him a lesson.

“Oh and next time, why don’t you check the books before calling someone selfish. That selfish kid ran around for months trying to get the right paperwork so we could get on the right registry to save thousands in taxes and his boss called me today letting me know he forfeited his personal architect fee. Something about he had a prior agreement with you that he wanted to honor.”

Point taken.

Sander practically felt like Jann had slugged him in the face. He quickly exited the amber coated world and ran past the black and into the white gallery space. Sander could hear he’s friends calling out his name and people tugging at him to get his attention but he just wanted to catch up with Robbe before he left.

He finally made it outside but the street was empty, dead, comatose.

“Fuck” Sander yelled out in frustration.

“You just missed him” Sander turned around to find the voice speaking to him.

A brown-eyed beauty stood in front of him. You’d swear she could be a doppelganger for a young Zendaya.

She walked towards Sander.

“Good looking guy with great hair in all black right?”

“Yea” Sander confirmed.

“Yea he jumped in a taxi with some tall guy about 2 minutes before you ran out.”

“Thanks”

“No problem…. You look like you need a drink”

“I do, are you buying?” Sander flirted back lightly.

“Well if you mean am I inviting you to the free bar then yes am buying”

Sander threw the pretty girl a smile.

“Sander, by the way” he held his hand out to her.

“Genade” she slipped her hand into his.

“Come on let's go get you that drink” Genade joked out as she dragged Sander back into his own shindig.

White walls.

Bareless ceilings.

Sleep, it was simply a stranger to him. He grabbed his phone and checked the screen. Nothing. No calls, no text, he’d even take a voicemail cussing him out at this point but nothing made him feel more like a piece of shit then seeing the blue light of the witching hour (3am) looking back at him. He rested the phone on his chest and Sander could swear in that moment the weight of the world was on top of him.

He turned his cheek to the other side of the bed to check if Genade was fast asleep. She was, Sander wasn’t sure how this night had unraveled so suddenly and how he found himself in bed with such a beautiful creature and yet still left so unsatisfied. He slid out of bed carefully and managed to somehow find his boxers in the dark of the night.

He twisted the door knob to his bedroom open as carefully as possible not to wake her. Once he heard the click of the lock as he closed it shut his entire body relaxed. He walked into his kitchen to get a glass of water and as he walked passed his kitchen table the black frames caught his attention. They just sat there waiting to be opened.

Sander had been so wrapped up in his own unconscious revenge that he had missed Robbe’s white flag of surrender. He picked up the first black frame and began to tear at the tissue. It was Robbe’s first initial blueprint of the tattoo shop which included the skate park. Sander could still recall how excited and nervous he was to pitch the added addition but that he was adamant that it would compliment the whole vision of the space while additionally giving young kids a place of refuge. He even whipped up one of his guilt trips when he asked Sander why he didn't think it was important to provide a place where young boys like them could find one another.

Sander gulped down the memory.

He put the frame down and picked up the second frame. He tore off the paper and when he saw it looking back at him he literally felt the spit laced knife dig into his chest. He practically stopped breathing for a moment. He pulled off the white post-it off the frame that read We made it happen in Robbe’s hand writing and behind it encased in time was the white napkin that Sander had used to map out his dream tattoo shop all those years ago sitting across the booth from Robbe. In that moment Sander felt like he hit rock bottom and he didn’t care that it was 3 a.m. or that what he was about to do was far from appropriate because all he could think of is that he needed to hear Robbe’s voice. Luckily he had brought his phone with him from the bedroom; call it instinct or intuition but something made him take it with him. He texted Robbe immediately.

Are you awake? - Sander

Sander was sure Robbe wouldn’t text back after all the horrible things he had said to him just hours earlier but something deep inside him told him not all hope was lost and before he started to whirlpool into panic his phone vibrated.

Yes - Robbe

Can I call you? Please… - Sander

Two minutes went by..

K - Robbe

Sander never thought the ring of a phone could make him feel so nauseous but he felt like his heart was in his stomach when he heard Robbe’s voice on the other end. It was practically a whisper…

“Hey”

“Am a fucking asshole. All the shit I said to you tonight, I didn’t mean it. I mean I did but am frustrated. I never thought this is how we would end up. I just don’t understand why you didn’t talk to me about your boyfriend after everything…… I don’t know I just thought……. We had agreed…..”

Sander could hear Robbe sigh out on the other end of the line.

“I just want you to be happy, baby. I don’t care if it's with me or not….”

Robbe didn’t react to Sander’s statement so he continued.

“I opened up your frame. I can’t believe you kept that dirty old napkin for the last 5 years.”

“6 years” Robbe corrected him.

“Yeah…. 6 years.” Sander forced out a sweet toned chuckle.

The line went quiet for a moment.

“You still there?” Sander asked.

“Yea”

“Thank you for registering the space. Thank you for figuring out the tax credit thing. Jann won’t shut up about how I introduced him to the best architect he has ever worked with. Thank you for…..”

Sander started to get choked up, so he composed himself before he continued.

“Thank you for chipping in. You didn’t owe me that”

“I did actually. I promised you I’d find a way, remember?” Robbe questioned.

Sander just ran the palm of his hand on his forehead and through his hair recalling the promise Robbe made to him so long ago.

“And you always keep your promises” Sander tacked on.

“Always” Robbe confirmed.

“Can I ask for one last one?”

“Sander….” Robbe sounded slightly dejected.

“Whatever happens..I love you. That’s all that matters. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Okay?”

“Sand--”

“Please” Sander pleaded.

“Promise” Robbe agreed not knowing then that to fulfill this promise he would need to forsake another.

The silence crept back in. Sander knowing the call was nearing its end. So he said his final words.

“I am so happy that I found you. That we got the time we got together and that we are one of the few people in the world that can actually say they found their soulmate.”

5 seconds of silence filled up the call.

“I love you baby. I always will. Am so sorry I hurt you tonight.” Sander added on.

“I….. I….” Robbe false started but he was so close to getting off the blocks in that moment and running towards the finish line but he faltered.

Then doubt took a hold of him.

“I have go now” Robbe stated, and before Sander could even respond he hung up the phone.

Once Sander heard the dial tone go dead he walked over to his couch and plopped down. He grabbed his sketch pad off the coffee table and began to draw the design that would go above his heart.

Robbe just looked down at his finger laying over the end call button and stood there in silence.

He wasn’t sure what he had just done but it all happened so fast.

His body and mind had completely shut down hearing Sander say those words to him. He stood there in his living room in between two minds. A big part of him wanted nothing but to call Sander back and tell him how much he loved him too. Another part of him was so angry that they were in this position. Robbe had done everything he could in his life to protect them from the world but he never planned that the thing that would ultimately tear them apart would be each other. He crossed his arms over his chest and sat down on his couch. He leaned forward slightly and rested his elbows on the top of his thighs. His thoughts made him anxious. Made him press his palms together and scratch his nails on the surface of his left hand.

Robbe took a big inhale and as he exhaled out all his doubts got caught up in his throat and he began to cough up sobs. Hot tears began to stream out of him and like the collapse of a dam the water pressure broke the walls of his interior. He crumbled. He just fell on his side and curled up like a young child. He buried his cries on the couch pillow and cried himself to sleep and in this moment of his despair Robbe felt Bowie come over and lie down next to him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There’s a void at the heart of the universe.

A place where space and time collide. Where the boundary lines of the event horizon can be found. Where a choice lies to leave the remnants of the mother, or to enter the ergosphere; the grey place where time ceases to exist and everlasting is a perpetual promise.

Man has sensed the presence of the black mass for quite some time but only until recently did we find ourselves asking: if no light can emanate from within then should we defy the gods? and cross into a plane that could potentially spaghettify the human body: two faces, four arms and four legs pulled into threaded form. A fruitless purgatory? or maybe, all together something else, an unknown, an entry door to another universe.

The lovers essence is mirrored here; splashed across the buildings exterior as they stumbled out of their metallic cocoon placed into park. They dance atop the asphalt in embrace; need, and desire. A rendezvous of their lips tangled up in an act of amnesty. The automatic lightening levers flicker into automation. The sulfur vapor caresses their skin as they stand outside the apartment entry door. Robbe fumbles through a set of nickel, copper and brass finally identifying his right to pass. His hands are shaking suddenly, his body aware of his nervous system, reacting to what’s sure to come, their unspoken contract. Sander notices the delay and comes up behind him. He places his palm on top of Robbe’s hand and begins to guide it towards the keyhole. Robbe takes note of the fact that his Casio watch is looking right back at him. The dials in full functional spin.

Robbe unknowingly holds his breath as Sander assists him in unlocking the entry door. The [click] of the lock makes Robbe flinch. He isn’t sure why but suddenly he feels the axis shift. Robbe has no time to wallow in his concerns as he and Sander stumble into the lobby’s backdrop. The vapor wash has vanished and they find themselves amongst the whitest of all fluorescent lighting. It gives off a celestial feeling. The change of ambiance is almost cleansing. Sander focuses his attention on a chunk of real estate on the lobby floor it once served as temporary housing on the night Robbe jumped in between worlds. He smiles at the thought that he sat there that night, pen to paper calling on the properties of general relativity. Yearning for a distortion in time, a tear, an entryway. He disregards that flashback quickly as he senses Robbe’s shadow dance on screen. He grabs Robbe’s hand without much thought and the duo rush into the steel vault like a pair of runway bandits. The interior of their metal forge covered in a reflective surface. Sander navigates the route and makes his floor selection. As they travel from south to north they inch closer to their glass ceiling they run through their usual rolodex of the familiar. Violent pants interrupted by wet kisses, eager petting complimented by hair pulling, a bareless ceiling being balayage(d) by photo negatives that echo past dealings but the denominator of time begins to unravel and they are interrupted. The vault doors swing open.

Times up now.

They’ve arrived.

#wtfock #wtfam #wtfock fanfic #sobbe fanfic #visitations

47 notes · View notes

piprocrastinator · 3 years

Text

Cream Sauce of My Thoughts

MewGulf

Crack fic

Gulf has a bad day and goes to the grocery store

Warning - implied content and dirty words..

Length: 3703

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24746140

Gulf was having a bad day.

Like a really bad day.

Worse than a moderate inconvenience day which seems to be most days that he has to go to class and work. It was worse than that. Although in all reality his tolerance for bad days was low and he had been called dramatic for his renditions of a whining child on his other so-called bad days, so maybe his perception wasn't too great with them, to begin with. Most days he complained about having a bad day were just average days that didn’t include him playing his mobile game for eight hours straight. And today he wasn’t playing his mobile game all day so you know, a bad day ... that seemed to escalate very quickly, like a rock rolling down a hill.

But he still somehow managed to land… a date with his crush?

Hold on. Was it really a bad day then? Sure didn't feel like one up until that moment.

His day had started out fine, besides the waking up part and having to go to class part. Otherwise fine. But he realized as he was awoken to the loud shrill sound of his alarm that he was late. Which normal meant, hurrah for him, he can skip and sleep more but not today. Today that meant that he was late and had five minutes to run to the library to print off an essay that was due that day and he had stayed up late last night finishing it because he spends the whole week playing mobile games instead of his paper. So today's late was not good, at all. Not if he wanted to pass his class.

Scrambling out of bed, slamming into the ground, hard, as his feet tangled with his sheets because why not have his morning start out being late and having bruises. He manages to just barely miss the door as he skids out of his room but stubs his toe in his haste against the wall.

It really should have been a sign from the universe that something was wrong. But he persevered because he didn’t get two hours of sleep working on a paper for nothing. Thankfully the journey to the library was quicker than usual. Normally it took fifteen minutes while today took six and as he ignored his throbbing legs and his screaming lungs as he waited for his paper to print he wondered if maybe he had joined the football team in college he might be in better shape to have made it even quicker. His glares at the machine as it slowly hums to life printing one of the sheets before claiming a paper jam. He checked the drawer. Nothing. He tapped the screen and the machine continued, one more page and then the paper jam screen.

Fucks sakes.

Repeated the process. One more sheet. He needed two more to be done.

Inhaling before huffing out an exhale as he repeated the process until his pages were all printed before sprinting to class, tripping up the steps and almost losing two of the sheets before thankfully catching them with his face against the ground in a second trip straight after the first, because the universe was feeling slapstick comedy today it seemed.

For those keeping track at home that’s-

Universe: 3 Gulf: 0

Quickly checking his nose for blood, finding none before sprinting to the door to his class. Glancing inside, he waited until his teacher was facing the board before sneaking in the back and finding the closest empty chair.

When class ended he followed the stream of students to the teacher's desk where he casually wrote his name in attendance while the teacher looked away before through his now stapled essay onto the stack with all the others.

Universe: 3 Gulf: 1

Feeling accomplished and most of this bad mood having dispersed throughout class he heads back to his dorm for some much-needed gaming and cookies. He wasn’t normally one for sweets but he had recently found these cookies that seemed to disregard his non-sweet tooth and he’d honestly been bingeing them for the past week. It also didn’t help that he’d seen Mew –that one classmate from his elective art class that he had the biggest crush on - eating them. He knew Mew had a sweet tooth and had not so subtle watched him eat ice cream after class a few times from the ice cream truck that makes rounds on Tuesday and Thursday to the campus. He was pretty sure Mew had a magical tongue.

For ice cream, strictly ice cream. He never had a dream about Mew licking a certain something else. Never.

The joyful thoughts of cookies and games filling his mind he failed to see the person speeding walking around the corner, and their precariously held open cup of coffee.

Coffee meet pants. Oh, how nice to scold you.

Universe: 4 Gulf: 0

Wait no he’ll give himself .5 for actually getting his paper turned in so

Universe: 4 Gulf: 0.5

Gulf hiss as the hot liquid spills over his jeans, he can hear the apologetic voice of the person he ran into but he waves it off. The dark cloud was back with a vengeance it seemed. He cared about nothing else at that moment then getting his pants off and as soon as he stomped into his dorm his pants flung across the room narrowly missing Mild who was sitting on their couch, textbook pulled to his nose.

“Welcome home.” Mild chided sarcastically glancing over his book to watch Gulf rummage through the cabinets like a crazy maniac. Which he was. He was mad and he wanted cookies. Where were his cookies?

“If you’re looking for your cookies, they’re gone.” Gulf glares before following the finger Mild has pointed to the fridge. The whiteboards read Grocery list then underneath Cookies in giant lettering and multiple lines underneath.

Gulf groans slamming his head into the fridge, he could hear the wince Mild made but ignored in favor of yelling at last night him for finishing off the cookies without proper forethought to future today him who needed the cookies. How rude of himself to be so rude to him.

“You can just buy more.” Mild states like Gulf doesn’t already understand that he could but he wants them now not in the twenty minutes it’ll take to get to the store buy them and walk back.

“You can just buy more.” Gulf mocked back in a whiney tone as he stomped to his room. He’s going to go buy more because what other option does he have.

He stared at his overflowing laundry basket and then his drawers, realizing that his past self procrastinating laundry day in favor of video games has come back to haunt him and all of his pants were dirty and the only cleans on left were a pair of shorts that were both too short and too tight but he refused to throw them away because both Mild and his mother had told him he needed too. It had been a matter of pride at the time that he can’t say he regrets but really wishes he would have thrown them out and bought a new pair as he puts them on now.

They weren’t that bad, they would do well enough for him to get to the store and back because right now he wanted cookies or he was going to do something crazy. Like jerk off and go to sleep ignoring all responsibility. Which he shouldn’t do. Look at him making the responsible choice for once and all in the name of cookies.

He needed cookies to make his day better so he could do laundry and then he could be comfy in clean clothes while working on his final projects as the semester was coming to a close and all his teachers seemed to think that he wasn’t some who procrastinated all semester and they all assigned projects. Projects that he was now in a time crunch to finish. Thus he was taking the day back from the humorless universe and for that, cookies.

“Nice ass.” Mild yells after him complete with a wolf whistle. Gulf threw a finger back at him over his shoulder, "And get milk too.”

Stomping through the isles in search of the holy grail was harder than he thought mostly because he refused to look at signs and they apparently rearranged the store without telling him (hindsight a few days later would have him realize that they, in fact, were not changed his mood just created a mist of denial). So who knows where his precious cookies are at. It matches his day so he wasn’t surprised by his troubles to find his precious cookies.

“Young man.” Gulf skids to a halt in front of an older lady, who looked about the age of his grandmother, she smiles at him before pointing to the top shelf. “Mind helping an old lady out. I need that jar of cream sauce but I can’t reach it.”

All the manners his parents had instilled into his flared into action because of course, he could help her. Sure it slowed down the process of finding his long lost love, cookies, but it was worth it to help someone. He smiled and reached for the jar, his fingers touched the side when he noticed movement down the aisle. A person, was that Mew? Fuck it was. Mew was walking down the aisle staring at him. More importantly, staring at his shorts. He could feel the gaze. It was those damn shorts. Thank you shorts?

It was at that moment that he realized the universe had one last trick up its sleeve. He was so distracted with Mew's gaze that his fingers tipped the jar, it hit the shelf before the lid popped off and the white cream sauce dumped from the glass container pouring down his chest and thighs. Which really, really was the frosting to his cake at that moment. The universe was literally jizzing on him. Oh universe, why?

“Oh, dear.” The lady clicked her tongue before pulling out a handkerchief from her purse and handing it to him. “What a mess.”

“Let me help.” Gulf head swiveled around to face Mew, who had managed to make it all the way down the aisle to them and was right there. Right there in front of him, staring at the white sauce messy he had all over his front. It definitely brought up images of a different white substance that Gulf had dreamed about just last night, it too involved Mew in front of him but they were vastly different circumstances. Somehow this scene was still giving him the deja vu feel because of how similar they were.

He regrets deciding to go to this grocery store because he knows that Mews family owns it and that Mew works here. He purposely goes to this one store only when he looks good so he pretends that he wasn’t living a life fueled by fried basil pork and phone games -and now apparently cookies. He wanted to ogle Mew from a distance and in the off chance that Mew saw him, he looked good. He had set out that plan long ago to slowly attract Mew.

This was not part of the plan. And he defiantly didn’t look good now. He looked the opposite of good. He looked bad. Real Bad. He was wearing shorts that were too tight and too short, white cream sauce covering his front and he was pretty sure that there was a patch of hair sticking up somewhere on his head from the way he slept that he had purposely been ignoring all day. He looked a mess. He was a mess.

Universe: 5 Gulf: 0

Actually he takes that back at this moment he gives himself a negative point because he went to this grocery store and not a different one.

Universe: 5 Gulf: -1

Gulf wasn’t sure what happened but one second he was idly dabbing the front of his shirt with the borrowed handkerchief trying to not look up at Mew in the very vain hope that Mew wouldn’t recognize him (Blatantly ignoring the fact that they had previously made eye contact) and the next second Mew was ushering him to the back of the store and into some office. He kept his head down the whole time, maybe if he didn’t look at Mew then Mew would still think he was cute and not a mess. Maybe this embarrassing moment wouldn't ruin his non-existence chance with Mew.

Though to be fair he was pretty sure no matter what happened, he knew later that night he would one hundred percent be jerking off to thoughts about Mew licking cream sauce off his dick much like he’d seen him do the ice cream cones much time before. And yes he is aware that it makes him feel a tiny bit creepy thinking about someone else in that sense but Mew was too attractive and hot to not to.

He plopped into the chair as Mew turned and left the room. Now he was sitting in some uncomfortable old chair that looked older than he was, in a tiny office the was surprisingly organized for being so crowded with what Gulf assumed was paperwork. Now what. Sneak out before Mew gets back to save face? There wasn’t anything else besides the handkerchief to clean himself.

Maybe he should call Mild and ask for some shorts to change into so he doesn’t have to walk back to the dorm like this.

He smears the sauce over his thighs, making a lazy figure eight as he pouts. He didn’t even get his cookies. Now he’s going to have to go home and change then come back to get cookies. Before he gets any more time to try and think of a solution (ie, sulk) about his situation he hears the door open.

“Here,” Mew squats down in front of Gulf holding out a wet washcloth. Gulf flushes - because who wouldn’t when your crush is suddenly so close that only small movement could have him touching your knee or better yet falling into your lap.

“Thanks.” Gulf wipes himself off trying not to think of how close Mew is, or how close Mew's hand is as it hovers by his knee as if waiting for Gulf to ask for its help. And Gulf wants to ask. He is all for asking Mew to use his long veining hands to rub his thighs—

“It’s not cum.” Gulf sputters out then instantly tries to retract his words by sputtering before he finally stares, eyes wide at his legs. Why did he say that? Why? What was wrong with his brain to mouth filter?

Mew lets out a tiny awkward chuckle, “I’m very uh, aware of the difference between cream sauce and… cum. But uh, thank you for clarifying.”

“Yeah me too… uh, I mean, you’re welcome.” Gulf was pretty sure at that moment that his face had simply turned into flames and was burning off, melting into his lap. Or that is to say, his face was very very warm.

“Our shelves can be tall, maybe next time if you need help-”

“I’m tall,” Gulf shouts defiantly, then shrinks back. “I mean, I’m tall enough. I can reach them fine.”

“Are you sure?” Gulf could her the light tone that was meant to be a joke but the embarrassment must have fried his brain because he stood up out of his so quickly that Mew toppled over. There was a second where Gulf watch his flail before he reached forward to pull him into a stand in front of him. Mew hands on his arm for support, chest to chest (well almost because he was still sticky but they were definitely close). Mew's hands hoover over his hips for a moment before they fall back to his sides and Gulf can see Mew's eyes glance between them. It's definitely the shorts and he can't tell if he should wear them more or through them out but there's something in Mews eyes as he gives them a glance.

“See,” Gulf grumbles eyes looking over Mew's face. This was the first time he’d been this close and honestly, he wasn’t sure he could handle Mew being this close. All Mews very intense eye contact. What were they trying to say because they were dancing in a way the Gulf didn't understand but very much so wanted to. “Taller.” He whispers.

Mew snorts amused before reaching up to ruffle his hair -Gulf may or may not have felt his heart pouter to a stop momentarily at the action- before he said “You may be taller but I’m bigger.”

Gulf gulped at the smirk on Mew's face. His eyes trailing from Mew's face to his broad chest. Mew was one thousand percent correct about that fact. Gulf was a few centimeters taller but Mew was broader. He could blanket Gulf in a hug. Gulf wished Mew would blanket him in a hug. Maybe a naked hug. Maybe a naked sweaty hug. He stares at Mew’s chest for longer than can be considered decent and he knows this because Mew does a fake cough to get his attention and when they make eye contact again Mew raises a brow.

“I’m pretty strong too,” Mew says softly. Gulf nods absently trying not to think of how strong Mew might be. He doesn’t need any more fuel for his not safe for work dreams at night. “I can easily lift the sake of potatoes and throw it against the wall.”

Gulf opens his mouth in question but then laughs -a little louder than he meant to- because was that Mew trying to flirt? “What? I can’t tell if you're flirting or threatening me.”

“Wha-no, I was trying- you know.” Mew sputters and for the first time, Gulf sees Mew blush. “That was flirting.” He says in a low tone that borders a whine.

Oh, no Gulf’s heart, Mew’s not supposed to be both sexy and cute, he couldn’t handle it. “Throwing me against a wall is flirting?”

“Maybe not throwing…” Mew trails over and Gulf can see the muscles in his arms tense for a moment. “Lifting, holding maybe.”

“Like potatoes?” Gulf asks and then snickers when Mew rolls his eyes with a smirk.

“Not sure why you’d be flirting?” Gulf tugs at his own dirty shirt, “Is it because I’m covered in a white liquid substance?”

“You got me there. The white stuff is such a turn on.” Mew's tone was sarcastic yet amused, his eyes sparkling. Gulf was maybe just a little enamored. (ok super enamored.)

“Turns me on.” Gulf looks at him from under his lashes. He’s not really sure if it will work but he’s seen enough of those romantic comedy movies to know that it should. Gulf waits for a beat as Mew's eyes grow wide then says, “See that’s flirting.”

Gulf smiles widely at the belly laugh from Mew. Mew takes a step back as he settles down, his eyes still sparkling as he glances over Gulf. “Let me take you home?”

“I-” Gulf wants to say yes, of course, take him home, take him to bed. Take him anyway and anywhere, but, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Mew looks around the room, resignation written over his face. “oh, I thought… with the flirting that meant- ”

“Oh no, I mean yes, I was flirting. It’s just that today is a bad day.” He waves vaguely to his shirt then around the room as if it would explain. “Maybe instead, not today, something, you know a-another day…”

“Another day?” Mew questions, then nods. “Ok, another day. How about a date then?”

“D-Date?”

“Date.”

“Yeah… yeah, that would be great.” Gulf mirrors Mew's smile as his heart flutters in his chest.

Universe: 0 Gulf: 1

Bonus:

Their first date didn’t actually get to happen for a couple of weeks because of finals but they had exchanged numbers that day even if Gulf hadn’t gotten his cookies. Since then they messaged whenever they could. They also had one really good round of phone sex. Gulf had tried to get more phone sex but Mew convinced him to wait for when they could have sex in person. Which seemed reasonable enough to Gulf.

Mew smiles at Gulf from the doorway as he waits for Gulf to finish putting on his shoes. Both dressed smart yet casual. Gulf not so subtly glancing at the open buttons of Mews shirt that was one button too many not to be purposeful temptation. Mew, the little sneak trying to seduce Gulf. It's too late, he's been seduced for awhile now.

“So I was thinking for our first date-” Gulf looks up -from Mews delectable chest to his handsome face- Mews was smirking slyly down at him, hands in his pockets. “We could eat Italian, there’s this place up the road that has the best cream sauce.”

If Gulf was any less of a man he would have tackled Mew in embarrassment -or because Mew cocky smirk was hot- but instead he stands, calmly, stepping closer to Mew, looking up through his lashes. Let his finger trail over the button on Mews shirt, digging deep into his flirty mindset, and pulled out, “How about instead we stay here and I can eat your cream sauce instead.”

“You’re disgusting” Mild grumbles loudly from the couch a couple of feet away, adamantly not looking at them in the doorway. “But if that’s happening let me know so I can leave.”

Mew laughs, ruffling Gulfs hair before letting his hand caress Gulf cheek. “Don’t tempt me.” Then that hands slips down his neck and chest and tugs Gulf closer by his hip. “Although I wouldn’t mind a snack before dinner.”

“That’s it, I’m staying at Boats tonight.” Mild sighs exasperatedly.

“Kidding.” Mew chuckles before pulling Gulf out the door.

“He might be kidding but I wasn’t, stay at Boats. Thanks bye.”

Universe: 0 Gulf: 2

#MewGulf #Mewgulf fic #my writing #also found on ao3 #spills sauce #MewGulf au

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gt-adventures · 4 years

Text

Hey Little SongBird

(SFW GT fantasy adventure short story.)

A Tale of the Mystic Woods

Staring: Yonah HaEsh the half-giant wizard. and guest-starring Ophir, the mostly human bard.

Summary: Ophir the bard needs a story to get back in the good graces of the Bards Guild and ventures into the Mystic Woods to find one. And what a story he ends up in! In the clutches of the Great and Terrible Yonah HaEsh. Can Ophir, through story, song, and dance, touch the evil “man-eating” giant’s wicked heart and avoid a terrible fate? (yes of course he can!)

Warnings: Yonah’s job is to be a villainous fairy tale giant (and wizard). That means the whole “fee fi fo fum” and threatening to eat people routine, and he’s really convincing. At no point in this story does he ever intend to follow through on the threat. ALSO Ophir tells a fairytale that ends slightly gruesomely (I actually changed it to be less so… still)

---

I hate the stereotype of bards being horny tricksters who use their voices to seduce people into infidelity. Any such stories are complete poppycock and base slander. Bards are more than pretty faces and lovely voices. We are first and foremost story tellers, entertainers! Actors and chroniclers! Often risking life and limb to get you the stories you love so much. Those fancy sword moves and fight dances you see on stage aren’t just for show.

But still. Going into the Mystic Woods in search of my next story was not a great idea. Solo’ing an adventure into such a dangerous realm was asking for death, with no one around who could tell of it. And yet. I had run out of new material and was desperate. Why didn’t I just purchase rights from another bard through the guild? You might ask. Clever, very clever, but that’s what low rankers do. The apprentices, the journeyors. Not Masters such as I. At least. Not ones who are blacklisted from the guild for not properly crediting a story. How was I to know it wasn’t public domain! It seemed pretty generic to me.

Another problem with being blacklisted? No one wants to adventure with you. Not anyone high ranking enough to help me anyways.

Regardless, to earn back my place in the guild I needed a new story, an impressive story. So I gathered my supplies and took the first teleport to the City of Luster, closest city in the Kingdom of Orr to the Mystic Woods. Sure, other cities exist at its borders, but Luster is the only one with a direct path into the Woods. A path that is safe, to a point.

It’s also a great place to get a few last minute supplies. For example, a small ukulele. My previous instrument, my precious goldenrod Oud, was repossessed by the guild. I needed something cheap and lightweight. And also I was banned from purchasing from most craftsfolk because, and I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this, im Blacklisted.

Luster is so large that I was able to find the ukulele in a pawn shop. I wasn’t after a ukulele, that’s just what was there.

Right! I was ready to go.

Whistling the first ever song I wrote, and tuning my new old ukulele, I set off down the road.

And Into the Woods.

---

Maybe I should lower my standards? Surely the guild won't be too hard on me?

Or perhaps it would just take more than a day and night in the woods to find a story.

The first day I found some gnomes preparing for a small feast of the half-moon glory. I was confident that something would happen at the party. Something had to go wrong, and maybe a hero, maybe I, would save the day! Or night, as it would be night. No such luck, it was a very nice celebration, absolutely no issues. Wasted a day!!

Not that i'm on a time limit.

The gnomes were so nice, and they made the most delightful floral scented cakes. They enjoyed my songs and tales about heroic gnomes and I left their camp with a flower crown and a sack of cakes.

I felt like today I would find a story!

Nope.

In this forest of wonder and magic and monsters and secrets, I ran into nothing. I even played music to attract trouble but Nooooooooo, guess even the beasts of the woods knew I was blacklisted!

It was late afternoon when I found some interesting deer tracks and decided to follow.

Bards aren’t known for our stealth but I’m going to tell you a secret. What’s the guild gonna do! Blacklist me?

Anyways the secret is: certain Bards learn to play notes and pitches that cancel out our footsteps and create silence.

I followed the prints to find a small herd of very interesting deer!

They had really interesting patterns, each one slightly different but only if you looked closely. That meant I needed a closer look.

So focused on the deer I didn’t watch my feet and I tripped. The deer ran off.

“HEY!” a shrill voice called from somewhere in the trees, “What did you do that for?”

No idea who was yelling at me but I was taking no chances, and like the deer I bolted. But not fast enough, not nimble enough.

An arrow shot by my leg and stuck in the ground. I stopped. And stood perfectly still.

“idiot.” the voice was now right behind me!

I turned. And looked down. It was an elf! With plum purple skin and dark green hair.

And they were laughing.

Then another elf fell from the trees to land silently next to the first. This one had dark green skin and straw yellow hair. Their long ears were standing straight up reaching higher than my eyes.

They were laughing too.

“What’s so funny?”

“You responded to ‘idiot’!” Said the purple one.

Ugh. Elves!!

Then they got suddenly more serious.

“Can’t believe it! We’ve been hunting those deer for days and you happen to trip when we got them in our sights!”

“I’m, sorry?”

The second elf elbowed the first, “he couldn’t have known we were there, Damian! Not his fault!” She spoke in elvish but I’m fluent.

The first elf, Damian, looked up and half groaned half sighed, “and I suppose, Bridget, that I should apologize to the human for almost shooting him?”

I don’t know why I spoke up but I did.

“It was an impressive warning shot!”

Damian’s ears stood up again then folded back and a little red flush appeared on the purple cheeks. As did on Bridget’s but for a different reason.

“Yes. Warning shot,” they said.

This time I managed to keep my mouth shut. Not a smart idea to quip about an elve’s bunting prowess. I still wasn’t happy to learn they were trying to shoot me!

“You’re an adventurer?” Asked Bridget.

“A bard!” I said.

“Need a place to stay tonight?”

The shadows were lengthening, I hadn’t noticed. And then my stomach growled.

“I sure do. But are you sure? I mean I did scare the deer-“

Damian shouldered their bow and nodded, “It wouldn’t be very elven to leave a stranger in the woods.”

Even not hunting they moved so silently I couldn’t take my eyes off them as I followed them to their village. We stopped by the temple, as it is the respectful thing to do when entering the village. It was set up for fall, done up in browns and oranges and paper chains. On the altar was a single brown leaf. The first one seen by a member of the village.

I’m not elvish but I still prayed to Autumn for my hometown to have a bountiful harvest.

I sat on the floor in the common dining hall as my new… friends, sat on stools made of tree stumps. They may not have caught any deer but there was some sort of roasted meat concoction wrapped in sugary leaves, crystallized to give it crunch, making a sweet and savory combination I’d never experienced before. The same sugar crispy leaves were used to scoop a sort of nut and vegetable curry. Delightful! I could write a song just about the food.

I of course told them why I was in the woods, since they were curious.

And they told everyone how I tripped and fell, exaggerating it greatly. All the elves laughed but knowing elves I was better off. They enjoyed slapstick comedy. The fact that I was able to laugh at myself seemed to gain me favor.

One elf, with lighter green skin and dark brown hair laughed like the rest and yet, their eyes were deep in thought. They were a strange one, I think. Even by elf standards they had a strange name.

Jacuzzi? Who names themselves jacuzzi?

Then they spoke.

“So, you need a story?” They asked. I nodded.

“I think I can help you,” they said, “at the very least point you in the right direction.”

At their words a lot of the company got quiet.

“If you’re that desperate, there’s,” they paused, as if they were still considering whether or not to tell me, “A wizard. If you encounter him, you’re sure to get a proper story.”

I couldn’t think why this made the elf act so strange, plenty of mages made it their job to participate in tales. Though. With wizards they were usually evil, if not a member of an adventuring party. Nonetheless! A story about a wizard sounded fantastic.

“Where does-“ I stopped myself from finishing that stupid sentence. Nowhere in the Mystic Woods stayed put so asking for directions was complete folly.

“What’s the best way to, uh, find him?”

Jacuzzi shrugged “The birds have the most up to date information. But you’ll know it’s his place when you find the tower in the garden.”

Lots of wizards had towers, few had gardens. That was more of a witch thing.

“He’ll be there? Tonight”

“Probably, he can't- well he’ll be there. If not tonight then by the morning. Don’t mess with his things.”

“Why-”

“He considers it extremely rude- You don't want to be rude”

Sound advice.

“Hold on tonight?” Damian re-entered the conversation. “Are you mad? Traveling the forest at night is dangerous! Especially alone.”

“So? I’m trying to get into trouble. Doesn’t make a difference if I find it at the tower or on my way.”

My confidence wasn’t entirely fake. I had a good meal, I wasn’t tired. I could knock this out by morning!

“Thank you, for everything.”

I swear I heard giggling as I departed. If these elves were pulling one over on me well! I don’t know what I would do but I’ll think of something. I had a wizard to find.

It wasn’t long before I realized why I should have waited for morning.

No! Birds!

From Who could I ask directions? The sun was about to set. It was only early autumn, the days were still a decent length, but it would be dark real soon. No birds, no people.

Wait. I spoke too soon. There were footsteps. It was a slim chance but maybe they could help me.

“Young man, what are you doing? Don’t you know it’s dangerous to be out at night alone?”

The voice had a deep and soft quality that wasn’t human. But they were speaking Orriandish. Really folks, dont meet strangers in the forest that you can’t see. They’re usually evil witches or sorcerers or cyclops ogres. Yeah, one-eyed ogres are skilled talkers, luring people to them. It was only after I answered I realized this could be an ogre.

“Aren’t you out alone too?”

“Why yes-” the voice was closer and then I saw them.

Thankfully it wasn’t and ogre. But it was a witch, and a dwarf one. Uncommon. Probably not evil. It did explain why they were confidently out at night. Dwarves had pretty amazing night vision. They had the traditional black robe and hat, and a cat sat down beside them. It was a really large cat, which was amusing next to the short witch. Their long braided beard was decorated with trinkets, which was a quaint look I must admit.

“But I live here.”

I stood up straight, which I guess was a bit rude.

“How do you know I don’t?” I stammered, “I could!”

The dwarf stroked their beard, “I guess it’s possible, do you?”

I sighed and slouched, “No…”

“But I am looking for trouble.” I explained my story and the dwarf listened, smiling kindly.

“So the elves told me I would be guaranteed a story if I found this wizard who has a tower and a garden-”

The witch’s eyebrows raised.

“- you know this wizard?”

The cat mrowed loudly, his tail swishing on the forest floor a bit faster.

“I do indeed,” there was an extreme fondness in their voice.

“And you know where he is?”

The witch laughed, “I’d say this was coincidence, but in these parts there are too many of those to be truly coincidental. I do in fact know the currently location, and it’s close by.”

“Really!” I almost danced with excitement.

Unlike the elves the dwarf had no hesitations. They pointed me in the right direction, and informed me of a few roadblocks and landmarks.

“Thanks so much!” I waved back at them and didn’t look where I was going and almost tripped.

Almost.

“And light your lantern!”

Oh right, duh!

Finding the tower was easy with the witch’s directions. They’d even told me the thorns were fake and the vines safe to climb up. That should have raised red flags, or some color, but I was so focused on achieving my goal.

Now, we bards aren’t really known for our… physical abilities beyond dance. We can fight sure, but a fifty-foot climb is gonna leave most bards gasping for breath. I'm proud to say I was merely on the cusp of wheezing, though I was having difficulty standing.

I needed to rest. So I lay on the windowsill.

Which I failed to notice stretched so that I could more than easily lie down. The cool night air and stone felt so nice. I looked into the tower.

And my heart stopped.

I’d gotten a brief glimpse before nearly passing out, but it was different now.

Exactly the same.

But.

Bigger.

You might know, my readers, that wizards are all human. All of them. Non-humans aren’t allowed to attend the academy. I’m sure those like I, being a quarter fairy, might be let in, but... This- this giant sized workshop didn’t make any sense. A giant could not be a wizard no way. Why would the elves say this was a wizard’s tower? Did they not understand the difference between wizard, witch, and sorcerer?

But the dwarf witch, they had to know! They had not corrected me. Plus, the workshop did have a very wizard feel to it.

What was going on here?

I needed a moment to process so I rolled over to look outside. Looking inside made my head hurt.

But a Giant Wizard. If that were real, what a story! If it were fake, then well, a giant mage is still exciting. I looked once more into the room. Three desks, one for material prepping and alchemy, one that looked like the main workbench, and one… like a spare workbench? It was not very organized compared to the other. And shelves full of things I could not identify.

And on the floor, an open trap door with stairs leading down. Down to where the wizard must be.

I was thankful I had noticed the shift in scale, or I surely would have fallen 15 feet onto the floor. Instead I got out my grappling hook and rope and rappelled down. With a flick, the hook dislodged. This place was large, I would need it again.

I could have spent hours in this room, just taking in the immense magical collection, but that wasn’t why I was there. And I heard noises from down the stairs. Water? Clinking metal? I took each stair one at a time, slowly making my way deeper into the tower.

Either the kitchen just happened to be one floor down or this stairwell was enchanted to take you to the floor you were thinking about. For just as I reached the landing I saw the massive doorframe that led into what was clearly a kitchen and small dining room. Small for the giant, who was at the sink washing pots, pans, and other things.

He certainly looked like a wizard! A tall wide brimmed hat with a curling point, and robes that matched the garish colors and patterns. He had a neatly trimmed goatee and mutton chops, and long curly black hair tied behind his back. On his handsomely large nose rested thick square spectacles. Not only was he tall, he was just plain large.

I know I talked about the false stereotypes of bards, but we weren't the only profession with them. People tended to think of Wizards as more delicate, as they spent all their time studying, never going out, forgetting meals. But this, man, for he looked more human than giant except for being over 20ft tall, well the only word for it was burly.

I’d never imagined a wizard who, if you removed his wizard robes, put him in a flannel shirt and handed him an axe would be a picture perfect lumberjack. Now such a wizard was right before my very eyes.

Suddenly I was not so confident. I should have lost my nerve back at the window, when I saw the scale of the workshop. But it just didn’t hit me until I saw the giant. I’ve seen giants before, they are actually larger than this person, that made him seem more dangerous.

Oh.

Oh no.

This wasn’t just any wizard, or any giant.

This one was evil.

Maybe I could just leave! Yeah. I would just get the fuck out of here. I was not prepared to handle an evil giant wizard.

I made my decision a bit too late. The giant stopped cleaning a plate to look up and sniff the air.

Shit.

It was futile to run, but it was my only option. I didn’t even make it up two stairs before the giant roared with delight.

“FEE FI FO FUM!”

No no no! Not that!

“I SMELL THE BLOOD OF THE HUMAN KIND!”

Well technically I was quarter fairy but-

“BE THEY ALIVE OR BE THEY DEAD, I’LL GRIND THEIR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD.”

Yeah… I should not have come here. Evil giants tend to eat people. I’d had a small hope that this smaller giant, who was very likely a proper wizard, wouldn’t. Also the line about grinding my bones to make bread? I’m no alchemist but I dont think powdered bones make for a good flour, and wouldn’t even be enough to make bread for a giant if it were! As far as I knew giants didn’t bother with such things and just gobbled people up.

Which didn’t bode well for me as this giant made it stairwell in a few seconds and scooped me up in one hand, holding me up to his face.

“How convenient, a tasty little thief” he smiled, revealing very giant-like fangs. His breath was horrible. “I was just thinking I needed some dessert.”

“Please! Mister Wizard, I did not steal anything, I am no thief! I’m a bard!”

The giant raised his eyebrows, but did not set me down, instead he turned and walked back into the kitchen.

“A bard?” he asked, “what’s your name?”

“Ophir Shel Peh!” I said.

“Not Jack then?” The giant tapped his chin, and his eyes found my ukulele. “Hm. Yes I would say you probably are a bard! I don’t get many of those.”

He sat at the personal dining table. And set me in front of him, putting his elbows on the table, and his chin over intertwined fingers. It was silent except for his breathing, and my heart in my ears. Every breath he took blew around me, and it was just a little warmer than I expected. He didn’t say anything for a long time and I started shaking, adding my rattling bones to the noise.

“Why are you here?” he asked before I fainted (I had… somehow forgot about breathing).

“Adventuring!” I couldn’t say ‘for a story’! THAT’S CHEATING. But perhaps... Ah I can’t lie to you reader. I wish I could say I was perspicacious enough to consider this giant was a professional fairytale villain. But I had no idea. I was damn lucky he was though. And he’s really good. I understand why His Mystical Majesty hired him.

Let’s get back to me being a complete dumbass shall we?

The giant’s face hardened and I worried I’d fucked up.

“Adventuring?” he asked rhetorically, but I nodded, then he looked a little morose.

“Shame, I was thinking of letting you go-”

He was!?

“-But I guess I have to eat you after all.”

He didn't sound at all troubled by it. I mean, he had threatened to do so. I backed up and he smiled, knowing he could snatch me up no matter what. I think he could tell I was going to ask why, even just to stall.

“It’s nothing personal, I don’t like intruders on my good days. But I can’t have you out there talking about me, spreading the word of a merciful giant. You’ll only get more people killed. ”

That was a lot to process but I got the gist.

“I won't talk!”

He stood up and slammed his palms on the table so hard I finally fell down.

“You’re a bard, it’s your job!”

Unfortunately he was right.

Then he looked a bit surprised by something, narrowing his eyes at me.

“I suppose,” he said, “your job also involves performing?”

I nodded.

“I don’t get to go out much,” he said, though I wasn’t sure that the entire truth “If you give me a good show, I might consider it payment for what would have been an extra special treat. I can smell the fairy blood on you.”

I tried not to make a face. My fairy blood made me smell better? Great. And there was always a chance he was lying, just to get a show and his dessert. Evil giants might be fairly honorable, but evil wizards were notoriously dishonest. So I had no idea with this evil giant wizard.

“Wh-what do you want me to do?” I asked.

He sat back down, perfectly copying his original pose.

“Tell me a story,” he said. “And perhaps I will not eat you.”

Great. Legally there weren’t many stories I could tell. You might be asking, ‘Ophir! You’re about to die, what do you care?’ Well if I live and I'm found out, I’ll be expelled from the guild for life. I’m already in hot water.

That… and the only stories I could think of were ones with evil wizards or giants, who ended up dead. Curse my stupid brain. But I couldn’t refuse, he would eat me! Guess I had no other choice.

[(adapted from a real tale)

The story of Maestro Lattantio and His Apprentice Dionigi.

It was an old tale, from the long dead kingdom of Italy, so anyone could tell it. A wild tale of a wizard and his apprentice battling it out in ways only two mages would. Wanting to be free of his abusive master, Diogini kept turning into things, animals, creatures, to escape.

But Lattantio would transform into the exact creature or monster or animated object needed to re-capture Diogini. Eventually Diogini turned into a fish and swam down a river. Lattantio declared that he was through with these games and would kill him. Lattantio turned into a kingfisher hawk, intending to snatch him out of the water, but Diogini jumped into a basket carried by a handmaiden for the princess. The handmaiden had been doing laundry, so being a fish wouldn’t do. He turned himself into a beautiful ruby ring. The princess found it in her pocket and he became her new favorite piece of jewelry.

Then one day, the King became ill, and Lattantio was called in to cure him. He did of course, and in payment, asked for the princess’s ruby ring, for he could tell it was Diogini. But he could come back tomorrow for the payment

That night, when the princess took off the ring, Diogini transformed back into a man. He apologized for his ruse, and explained that the wizard Lattantio was his enemy, and would do anything to get him back into his clutches. The princess, who at first was horrified, saw that Diogini meant her no harm, and he was as handsome a man as he was beautiful a ring. She asked how she could help.

The next day, when Lattantio returned, the princess stepped forward and held out the ring. Then dropped it to the floor. It turned into a mouse, so of course, Lattantio turned into a cat. The princess whistled to one of the palace dogs, which leapt at the cat, breaking its neck.

Diogini quickly returned to human form and separated the dog from the cat’s corpse, tossing it into the fire. The only way to be sure the evil was truly destroyed.

Impressed by Diogini’s skill and at the behest of the princess, the King was happy to make Diogini the court wizard, and his son.

]

I concluded the story, and looked at the giant, distressed to find he looked unimpressed.

“That was,” he waved his hand in a dismissal manner, “diverting, but I could just have easily read that story.”

WHAT! I’d done voices! I was dramatic and expressive! How dare he say reading it from a book could be the same! But I couldn’t be angry because I was scared.

“Though I suppose it was decent,” he continued, “just not enough to keep you alive.”

Crap.

“Dance for me,” he said, “and perhaps I will not eat you.”

It took me a few seconds to notice he wasn’t eating me, but instead was giving me another chance. But… Dance!? On this table? With my leather boots on? And my thick pants? And no music!? This was not good.

“S-sure” I said, I was still shaking badly.

Since there was no music I thought perhaps, something that conveyed real meaning through motion. I could hear the song in my head at least, so I wouldn’t falter or look like I was making shit up.

I leapt and gestured, and waggled my body in the most embarrassing ways.

“What is this crap?” said the giant after I had danced for only a minute.

“Interpretive dance, mister giant,” I said, freezing in a most uncomfortable pose.

“You’d better pick something else,” he said. “And give it some more personality”

All I knew was he had given me a second chance. Ok. So I didn’t have music, but maybe something rhythmic would be better. I didn’t have the right shoes but my footsteps were still very audible.

So I went into a new dance. Hopping and stomping and tapping my feet. Then I started singing. I had been so stupid that I forgot I could do both at the same time. I basically re-invented a few ritual dances from my hometown, used to bless the beginning of each month. If I lived through this I would go home and teach everyone.

The giant Watched me carefully from behind those huge glasses. Judge, jury and executioner.

Finally I was sore and out of breath, jumped up to land with a mighty THUNK, ending the performance.

The giant looked a bit sorry now. Why would he look sorry!?

“That was very impressive, and your singing was a nice touch, but I think such things would best be done with a group. Alone it was underwhelming.”

What did he know! I’d danced my freaking ass off! I sat down and tried not to cry as I regained my strength. Why weren’t my best efforts good enough!? I was a Master bard. But I was at the mercy of the most subjective critic. I had to change tactics. Impressing him wasn’t going to cut it.

“Well, since it’s getting late,” he reached out a hand.

“Wait!” I shouted, nearly breaking my voice which would have been a death sentence.

The giant’s hand paused, “That was so bold I’m inclined to do so, but not for long.”

“You, liked my singing?” I asked.

The hand retreated. “You could say that.” Then he caught on. “Fine. One last chance.”

He leaned back, crossed his arms, and cleared his throat.

“Sing for me, little bard, and perhaps, I will consider not eating you.”

I scrambled to my ukulele. It was so old it was already out of tune, so I hurriedly tuned it, under the piercing gaze of the giant.

“Your voice isn’t magical is it?” Asked the giant as I tuned the ukulele.

I smiled “No, it is. My fey ancestry. Never really tested its power. Mostly I’ve transfixed crowds or made them cry with the opening notes. I’ve also played monsters to sleep.”

He leaned forward as I realized my mistake and quickly added “but that doesn’t work if you know about it! Which you now do!”

Thankfully he believed me. I was telling the truth, but there was no reason for him to trust me.

“Well, just make it a nice song. I’ve got sensitive ears.”

Oh fantastic. That meant he could probably tell if I went out of key. I had a moment’s thought to play something screeching and horrible, to make him bleed from his ears, giving me a chance to get away, or at least cause him pain before he ended my life. No. My first choice of song was probably the best one.

I sat down criss cross apple sauce, but back very straight. And I strummed the opening cords.

[

In the quiet mystic morning When the sun’s just graced the land O’er the horizon, lies a story And it begs to take my hand

Now that summer’s ceased its gleaming And the harvest’s past its prime In adventure I’ve found meaning But I’ll be homeward bound in time

Bind me not, to the pasture Chain me not to the town Set me free to find my calling And I’ll return to you somehow

As the first instrumental break started I turned my attention to the giant. His face was as stoney as ever. I wasn’t hitting my mark. So I continued.

If you find it’s me you’re missing And you’re hoping I’ll return To your thoughts I’ll soon be listing On the road I’ll stop and turn

The old strings were threatening to cut into my fingers but I just used the pain to fuel my voice, powering it with agony and sorrow. I saw the giant’s brows raise as my human sized voice grew to fill the giant room.

For the wind has set me racing As my journey now begins To leave the path I’ll be retracing When I’m homeward bound again

Bind me not, to the pasture Chain me not to the town Set me free to find my calling And I’ll return to you somehow

The second, and last, instrumental break. I had started crying at the chorus and couldn’t see the giant through my tears. My last performance, and it was for my murderer.

And still my song rang out.

In the quiet Mystic morning When the moon has gone to bed When adventure’s lost its meaning…

I’ll be homeward bound

Again

My ears were ringing from the sheer volume, I was clutching the Ukulele so hard it threatened to crack. I was numb from all my efforts. Now would be a great time for him to eat me, maybe I would feel no pain.

Then, as my ears and eyes cleared up, I saw.

The giant's eyes, red. Shiny trails of tears down his cheeks. His arms were still crossed but he looked like he was almost strangling himself. Still, I did not let myself feel any hope.

“Dammit,” he hissed and sniffed, “I should eat you for making me cry.”

No. No no no no no.

“But I won’t” he sniffed again and got out a handkerchief, “You’ve more than earned your life.”

I collapsed and started crying harder. I had done it. By the gods. I had fucking done it. I let myself melt into the table, half passing out. I didn’t want to feel or think for an entire week. I guess because he wasn’t going to kill me, the giant let me lay there.

When I finally sat up he was making tea! I very much wanted to get the fuck out of there but the tea smelled amazing, almost magical.

He noticed me moving.

“I find tea helps after a harrowing adventure,” he said cheerfully.

His demeanor was entirely different. His face was softer, his voice was higher, his dark brown eyes colder, but considering they had been blazing before, it was a friendly warmth now.

That really had been an adventure hadn’t it. One that really made use of my skill set. One that was perfect to turn into a story. It had great pacing too, with just a bit of tweaking. I’d already started writing out the flowery prose and accompanying staging in my head. My interpretive dance was going to be way better in the retelling, but don’t say anything to the guild alright? Everyone embellished.

I had to scramble away as he set the table, which meant setting down a smaller table and chair for me, and then bringing over his own cup and the teapot. He touched the sides of the pot that must be hot enough to scald skin from bone like it was nothing, pouring out near boiling tea. I watched mesmerized as he used a bit of magic to pour the tea into my teacup.

“Let it cool,” he said, as he took a drink of his own tea, “I’m not normally a fan of sweetened tea, but I thought a little extra honey would do your throat some good.”

I gingerly stood up and got into the chair. It was normal sized of course, since he was giant. But here I felt like a doll that some demonic girl had set up for a tea party.

“Thanks,” I said, and indeed my throat felt raw. I couldn’t wait to drink the tea, but it was still too hot.

“I should be thanking you,” said the giant, smiling and showing off his fangs, but it no longer felt so threatening, “That was quite a show! You must be a really high ranking bard.”

My face turned very red, “I- well I’m on probation,” I admitted, “blacklisted. So really, thanks for-”

I saw his eyes glitter, literally.

“You- you never meant to eat me did you?”

He grinned even wider, “No, but I trust you won't include that in your tale.”

I shook my head.

“I very much enjoy playing the big bad giant,” he mused, “But I have other work; I can’t have adventurers showing up all the time.”

Now I was curious, “If I may ask, what else do you do then?”

There was a short pause as he considered whether or not to tell me. I wondered if it was a grand secret.

“I’m a royal wizard,” he finally said, and there was a massive amount of pride underneath his tone. And resentment. That was concerning.

My jaw dropped, “You- A Royal Wizard?”

This might be the most interesting person I’d ever met. How did a giant, or giant-esq thing become a royal wizard!? How did a royal wizard end up running an evil tower?

“You already got one tale, but if you’re not inclined to leave so soon, I can give you another.”

I definitely knew where this was going and I definitely wanted this tale.

“But on one condition,” he said. “You cannot tell it until either I or the Mystic King is dead.”

“Are- you dying?” I asked.

He laughed, “No, but I am still a villain. I try to keep a fairly low profile, but any day a slayer could show up and succeed in killing me.”

That made sense, but now that I was not mortally terrified of him, I saw that this man was much younger than I’d previously thought. He looked barely 24, a young man, and he had to worry about slayers! It also meant it couldn’t have been in this job for that long, being evil must really suit him.

“Hopefully it won’t be for years, which will give you time to make this tale as grand as possible,” he continued.

He drank more of his tea.

“I’m not great story teller,” he started off, “but I suppose the tale of how a foolish half-giant with dreams of becoming a wizard, and ending up a prisoner in the woods, might be a good one.”

Prisoner? Even more layers. Yes. This should be a good one indeed.

Though he was right. Gods, wizards! They have no concept of narrative flow! They don’t leave out details!

And yet. It was riveting. Yonah HaEsh, for that was his name which I finally learned, was half giant, half FireWitch. His father, the FireWitch, got interested in magic, but he wanted more structured study, beyond what witches can do. So he disguised himself as human to attend school. He was found out eventually, expelled and arrested for infiltrating the kingdom as a dangerous magical monster. He was almost executed before he was offered a job here in the tower! And amazingly, the Grand Master of the school had taken pity on him and allowed him to continue his studies here and graduate, earning the right to call himself a wizard.

I had forgotten about my tea by the end and it had gone cold. That was an easy fix apparently: he pinched the cup between his thumb and pointer finger. A few seconds later it was steaming again.

I finally took a sip, it was incredible. I made a mental note to write a poem or a song about it. But I had other things to think about, to talk about.

“It’s a great story,” I said, with a cockiness I should have tried to keep in check, “but it needs a lot of work. It’s a good thing I’ve got a lot of time. I’ll need to go out and interview people.”

I stood up, “Which means, I need to hear it again.”

Yonah raised an eyebrow, “Oh?”

“I should have been taking notes,” I said, “I need more specific dates and times and names! Oh and if you can tell me how your parents met, that would make for a great prologue.”

He stood up too, clearing away his and my tea settings. But he didn’t clean them, just put them aside.

“In that case,” he said, returning and offering his hand palm up, “We should take this upstairs.”

I still hesitated a bit, but I sat on his hand and was transferred to his shoulder. I’d never been on a giant’s shoulder before. I was tempted to touch his curly hair, since mountain giants don’t have hair, I thought it amazing that this half-giant had such thick silky locks. I settled to lean a bit towards his head for steadiness. Yonah didn’t say anything as he regathered the teapot and cups, and even got a few pieces of berry-nut bread and goat cheese. Then headed up to the workshop.

Once again, he had a human sized desk that he set on his much larger one, and human sized pens (really nice ones), and a few human sized notebooks. Though I guess, since he can reduce to human size whenever he wanted (that was part of his “disguise”), and had many human friends, it made sense.

“We can go in order,” I said, “But I think I want to start on what you got up to in school. We want people to really get attached to you and your friends so that they are on your side by the trial.”

Yonah liked that idea. I think he wanted this story to show him in a positive light, even if he was officially evil.

We worked through the night. And my second cup of tea got cold.

[FIN]

[PLEASE REBLOG and/or tell me what you think in an ask/message!]

FOR REFERENCE, HERE’S HOW THE SONG SOUNDS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VooU55wzSEc

Liked this Mystic Woods story? I have more!

For GT ONLY stories: gt-adventures.tumblr.com/tagged/mystic+woods+story

[I have to mention, that I have many more Mystic Woods stories, however those contain safe/soft non-sexual v/o/r/e... But lucky for you! i have filed them them separately! and (when needed) Every story comes with detailed content warnings!]

For ALL mystic woods stories:

vo/re-scientist/tumblr.com/tagged/mystic+woods+story (take out the “/” in vo/re)

[one or two of my GT-ONLY stories are on my not so secret vo/re blog but from now on I’m posting the GT-ONLY ones here! hurray!]

#gianttiny #g/t writing #g/t talk #giant/tiny #g/t #male giant

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hustlebonezzzz · 4 years

Text

We need to talk about Courage the Cowardly Dog

In what seems like a stream of relentless plagues, wildfires burn around the world, billions of desert locusts swarm and threaten African crops, and of course, COVID-19. How could we forget about COVID-19? The bright side of a world-wide pandemic is that this quarantine has provided ample time to revisit shows the shaped my childhood. When I was a kid, Courage the Cowardly Dog was my absolute favorite, hands down.

The title sequence explains the show perfectly:

“We interrupt this program to bring you… Courage the Cowardly Dog Show, starring Courage, the Cowardly Dog! Abandoned as a pup, he was found by Muriel, who lives in the middle of nowhere with her husband, Eustace Bagge! But creepy stuff happens in Nowhere. It's up to Courage to save his new home!”

And that’s it. Crazy stuff happens, and Courage is left to try and save the day. As I watch it now, I can’t ever picture a show like this being aired today. Many times I’d catch myself thinking, “They let this air??” Some of the episodes are straight-up disturbing or tear jerking

An episode that is both disturbing and tearjerking is “The Mask.” This episode tackles subjects such as same-sex relationships, domestic abuse, and sexual assault. These elements are heavily present within the episode, yet are veiled behind a funny children’s show. The veil is lifted when viewing the episode with adult eyes, and it becomes a realistic animated drama.

The beginning of the episode starts with Courage relaxing outside his home and minding his own business. Suddenly, a frightening masked individual walks onto the scene and beats Courage, all while proclaiming a hatred for dogs. This scene is hilarious as a child for the sheer slapstick humor element.

The masked figure smashes Courage with a sink because “Dogs are evil.”

We later learn that the masked individual is a cat named Kitty. Kitty hates and beats Courage because he is a dog, and she associates all dogs with an evil dog that is keeping her best friend captive in an abusive relationship. Her best friend is a bunny named Bunny, and her abusive boyfriend is called Mad Dog. Mad Dog is a thug.

Courage, being the gentle and kind soul he is, decides that the best way to get Kitty to leave him alone is to save her best friend Bunny and show that not all dogs are like Mad Dog. So, in the dead of night, Courage sneaks out and goes to the rundown industrial zone where Bunny is being held captive. A car with blaring hip-hop music comes to a screeching halt in front of a building with busted and boarded up windows. Courage watches and cowers behind another car while Mad Dog aggressively pulls Bunny out of the car. Her facial expression is empty and sad. They enter the building and Courage spies through the window. Mad Dog is upset that Bunny is visibly unhappy, and suspects that she’s thinking about her best friend, Kitty.

Although we don’t see it, Mad Dog decides to beat Bunny up for thinking about Kitty and not being happy with him. We are only left with this frame:

Bunny is shoved into a pot after being beat by Mad Dog.

As I watched this scene, I was in shock. As a kid, you just assume that he throws her around and roughs her up a bit before throwing her into a giant pot with dirt. Hell, this scene might even be funny to a child. Now, this appears to be an obvious metaphor for feeling dirty or soiled after being sexually assaulted. Bunny was not just being beat up. This episode also does a great job of showing the psychological manipulation that is a part of an abusive relationship. While yelling at Bunny, Mad Dog says “I told you to forget her! I take you from a two-bit joint and make you a class act and you want to make me second rate!” It’s incredible how Mad Dog tries to manipulate Bunny into thinking that this life is the best she could ever get as he screams at her in a dirty, run-down apartment.

The emotional manipulation only continues as Mad Dog tries to comfort her afterwards, asking why things can’t be like the good ol’ days when she still loved him. He makes it seem as if it is her fault for being clearly depressed because of this physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive relationship.

Mad Dog tries to comfort Bunny after lashing out on her for thinking about Kitty.

By the end of the episode, Courage the cowardly dog saves the day and breaks Bunny out of her prison. Kitty and Bunny are reunited and run away together by hopping on a train and never looking back.

Bunny and Kitty embrace each other after finally being reunited

So yes, this series has always maintained a creepy and provocative vibe throughout its duration, and undoubtedly has some dark themes and screwed up moments intertwined. These subverted themes only become more prevalent the older you get. You don’t notice these surreal elements as a child, and I don’t think you’re supposed to. I certainly didn’t see anything wrong with “The Mask” in my youth. Yeah, of course I felt sympathy for Kitty and Bunny, but there was a happy ending and that made it all okay for me. I saw the slapstick humor of it all, which is the kind of humor that really resonates with kids. It is a vital part of most children’s programming. Without it, this show wouldn’t be for kids, that’s for sure.

“The Mask” of course isn’t the only episode that touches on sexual abuse. In “Freaky Fred,” Muriel’s creepy barber nephew comes for a visit. Fred speaks through child-like rhymes and always ends it with how he’s been very “naaaaauuuughty.” Naughty is said in a way that is all too sexual, uncomfortable, and violating, whether you are a child or an adult. The innuendo behind the uttering of “naughty” becomes more apparent to a mature audience.

In this episode, Fred the creepy barber corners Courage in the bathroom and forcibly shaves his pink fur, all while confessing to his compulsive urges to force himself upon others and shave off their hair. He recites a poem about his first victim while doing so: “This dripping here, this droopy curl, unfold sweet memories of a girl, whose tresses, oh they’d twist and twirl, and tempt me to be… naughty.”

To put it bluntly, it seemed like this scene was mirroring sexual assault based on the dialogue and the overall mood portrayed. Fred likes to force his apparent hair shaving fetish onto anyone who is vulnerable that he can get alone. By the end of the episode, we find out that Fred was committed to a mental institution and escaped. The authorities show up to Courage’s home and take him back.

Fred’s character design alone only points to him being up to no good, and the smile never leaves his face.

Fred gazes menacingly at Courage before proceeding to forcibly shave his fur off.

If sexual abuse is on the table for this series, they certainly wouldn’t shy away from covering parental abuse. In the multiple episodes that feature Eustace’s mother, the audience comes to learn why Eustace’s character is a crotchety old man who takes joy in tormenting and scaring Courage. Throughout all of the episodes, Eustace yells “Stupid dog!” at Courage. It’s even a part of the opening title sequence. When Eustace’s mother, Ma Bagge, is introduced, we quickly notice that she is just like Eustace. She constantly yells “Stupid boy!” at Eustace and berates him at any chance she gets. For the first time ever, we feel sympathy for one of the most hated characters on the show. Eustace’s whole shtick comes from being mean and cranky. It all comes together and we see that Eustace is but a product of his mother’s emotional abuse, a cycle that we often see in the real world. Other episodes detail his painful childhood, showing that deep down, a mean and cruel old man is not who he truly is. Episodes show that throughout his entire life, he constantly tried to win the love and affection from his mother, however, she always found fault in him and he was never good enough.

Eustace presents gifts to his mother, Ma Bagge, in hopes of winning her approval.

As said previously, many of the episodes aren’t dark and twisted on the surface from a child’s point of view, but an episode that is heartbreaking whether you are a child or an adult is “Remembrance of Courage Past.” This episode details Courage’s origin story. We see that Courage once had loving dog parents that adored him. Courage’s parents take him to the vet, but in a strange turn of events, his parents are locked in a rocket and blasted into space by the sadistic veterinarian. There isn’t really any rhyme or reason, the vet is just plain evil. The vet asks to speak to the parents in private, and Courage is ushered into the waiting room. He later hears his parents crying out for help and he sees them being carried away in a net by the vet. Baby Courage follows them and sees his parents stuffed into a rocket. Baby Courage is unable to save them because the veterinarian notices that he is in the room and begins to chase him. Baby Courage escapes through a shoot that leads to an alleyway. From here, he watches the rocket blast off and waves goodbye as he cries. This is where Muriel finds him all alone and adopts him as her own.

Left: Courage’s parents cry out for help from inside the rocket.

Right: Muriel finds Courage all alone in the alley and takes him in.

Seriously, this episode is so sad. We learn that Courage wasn’t truly “abandoned as a pup.” Courage deeply fears losing his current family because of how his real parents were ripped away from him. It was a tearjerker then, and it still is now. Now, he simply can’t bear the thought of ever losing his family again. This motivates him throughout the entire series to save his family no matter what the obstacles and no matter how scared he is.

Now all of the episodes that have been covered thus far were terrifying in their own way, yet there is one episode that continues to linger in the minds of its viewers. The episode in question? “King Ramses Curse.” But why this episode?

First, a quick plot overview: Courage finds an ancient artifact in their yard. It turns out to be a cursed slab that was stolen from a museum. The police were hot on the museum robbers trail, so they ditched it in Courage’s yard. A resurrected King Ramses appears at their home to retrieve it. However, Eustace found out earlier that day that the slab is worth millions and won’t let King Ramses have it back, despite King Ramses threatening to send 3 plagues, each worse than the last.

King Ramses first tries to drown them, and for a kids show, I’ll admit that it’s pretty intense, but expected at this point. I audibly uttered “Now that’s a curse” as I rewatched. The next plague is just forcing them to listen to a really bad song, bringing the humor element back in and giving a break from the horror. Back to the horror, the last plague is a swarm of locusts that destroys everything in its path. In the end, Eustace refuses to relinquish the slab as Ramses menacingly looms over him. The episode concludes with Eustace being trapped in a sarcophagus, crying out for help. But the unfolding of these surely traumatic events isn’t what scared me as a youngin’.

So why did this episode scare so many children including myself? Simply put, the visuals.

King Ramses, was a 3D-animation overlayed on a 2D-background. Frankly, late 90s and early 2000s 3D-animation was a little creepy looking in general. The art of 3D-animation was still a work in progress. Hell, Disney and Pixar were still trying to perfect it with Toy Story.

King Ramses stands outside the home of Courage.

Courage the Cowardly Dog had a highly experimental animation style considering the time in which it aired, 1996-2002. The animators didn’t stick to only 2D-animation alone, but instead incorporated elements of live-action, claymation, and 3D-computer animation, amongst other things. The show really had a knack for mixing mediums. What made this show so generally creepy was the way the mixed mediums didn’t fit in with the familiar 2D-animation style. It was unexpected and unsettling.

Left: Example of live-action element

Middle: Example of 3D-computer animation

Right: Example of claymation featured in the show

While revisiting Courage, I can’t help but notice how this series hones in on the feeling of helplessness and life’s unpredictability. These aspects are part of why this show can be a bit traumatizing to young viewers. Yet this series still shows the value of hanging in there no matter what and doing the best you can despite the circumstances, just like Courage the cowardly dog.

At the end of the day, elements like the underlying adult themes and the visuals made Courage the Cowardly Dog stand out when it first aired, and it's a show that continues to stand out against the ever changing social landscape. Comedy and horror aren’t synonymous in most of today’s cartoons. It’s been nearly 18 years since the last episode of Courage aired, and 18 years since Cartoon Network has aired a new horror cartoon. That alone is telling. Courage the Cowardly Dog was truly a product of its time and still sparks debates today with its gloomy narratives on society. Cartoons like this are so special because there may never be anything like it again. Even the creators were surprised that they got the OK to air the show, and I’m grateful that they did.

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a-lilacsong · 4 years

Text

Elena of Avalor Live text reaction: Giant Steps

I enjoy reading other people's posts where they watch episodes of shows and write reactions to things in the episode while they're still watching it. So I decided to make one for this new episode: Giant Steps.

Reaction starts under the cut (Spoilers for the episode since this is a reaction)

She needs a crew

Wait has she gone to Australia

Also I love that fish on the wall

To bad it wouldn't be able to sing most likely

Is that a wanted poster for the bat on the wall?

And it looks like she's selling Esteban’s hat as well

oooooh I think I feel a song coming on

also the letter text is so clear I could probably translate this

if I felt like it

Man, Elena is a fast writer

I really like the accordion in this song but so far it's been pretty casual

I don't know, I guess I was just expecting a big old villain song

What a cute parrot! Naomi should get a parrot

Oh that's a sword for a second I thought it could be a chainsaw

Don't mind him that's just casual Joe, casually showing off his casual sword to his casual friends Casually

Wow there's a lot of lens flares in this song, was it directed by JJ Abrams?

Maybe it's not even a big threat Naomi's coming to warn them about, maybe she's just going to come back to say hi at this point, she seems like she's really missing Elena

This is why she needs a crew, then she wouldn't be lonely

Having a good cry together?! All of the hurt comfort and angst fanfiction possibilities!

Oh look there's the not-Ash little girl

yes the Elena and Naomi feels are strong with this one

Ship does not rhyme with fate! this is the second time a line hasn't rhymed and it bugs me

And she's broke

Maybe she should have asked for some money along with a ship eh?

The Bat Wanted poster Is hilarious

And so starts her career as a bounty hunter

“So how much gold are you giving for his capture?” “heaps of it.” “But how much gold exactly?” “HEAPS. OF. IT.”

Yeah when you just draw bags of money on the poster it's probably a scam

Naomi unrolls the wanted poster, Me: *Gasps out loud* They all look so good!

I wonder if you captured those three along with the bat if they give you an extra gold for that or if they just only give you a reward for the bat

You probably wouldn't get any gold though cuz it's probably a scam

Sudden zoom in on the poster while there's a bell in the background like what

reminds me how they always always seem to do that during dramatic moments in Star Trek

What's in the bag a knife, a phaser, or is she just giving her the bag

Maybe a special knockout powder?

Oh cool it's one of those endless Space Bags

also what a cute red bird

This episodes giving lots of birds

But the Winged being I want to see most is Chatana

Oh look she sells harpoons! What does the store not have?

The necklace, of course she wants the necklace, I was thinking about was oddly noticeable with Naomi wearing two necklaces so of course she's going to have to give one away

Will she give it to her, Probably

Yep now she has the Magic Bag

And she got the take the wanted poster as well?! Wow !

It's not illegal to take down wanted posters?

Boy there is probably some kid out there who has fifty wanted posters just up decorating their room because they are very well drawn

I mean if I lived in that world and knew I couldn't get punished for it I would totally have a few of them up

Ash and Chatana just look so snug in their pictures, when why was Esteban just looks so innocent compared to them

Wait so ash gave Chatana the diadem off screen? okay...

I've been waiting months for this, yes, YES team Ash team Ash team Ash YES!

Now I finally get to see more of Chatana

I will finally get to see what her personality is really like yes

~~ but now I have to eat supper so intermission

Sarah give me spoilers Darn it ~~

Anyway

the bat can shape-shift!? wow I always thought that Esteban’s teleportation powers would take them to Vestrella but I was wrong

Of course they're seen immediately, probably because of Ash’s yelling

Wait if you Caught the Jaquin babies, what would you do with them Esteban?

He seems better at this villain stuff than I thought

Also both Ash and Chatana seem way too confident about this

I'm predicting it will be their Achilles heel

Bold of Mateo to assume that she would be looking for her friend instead of the villains

Probably spied on Naomi before

It seems Mateo's more Curious boy Then I thought he's willing to spy on someone if they're a friend

And she's right there, she probably ran past Armando and everyone else that's why they didn't get it notified of her arrival

Like she always does

Yay clumsy Mateo

And he didn't drop it!

No one expected you back this soon Naomi not even the audience

Lesbians lesbians lesbians

It's great other than the crippling loneliness

Mateo asks the kind of questions that I asked on tumblr ask blogs anonymously

“Ancient at least I thought she was ancient '' if she said that to Chatana’s face which you take it as a compliment or an insult I wonder?

Also continuity!

And of course she's only going to bring Gabe because he is the only guard She Knows by name

Sarcasm aside though I'm glad that these four will get to have another adventure together

They are the Ultimate Adventure team

Well Isabel is always welcome on it

But it is illegal for her to try to fight Esteban

Or Witness Elena seriously killing him

Wait is she going because she wants to be with Elena

Or to get the prize money

Probably both

I sure hope Elena doesn't feel betrayed if Naomi tries to get that prize money I mean she has to make a living somehow

Yes Elena, the team

It is the only team strong enough to defeat the evil team

Oh boy every time Chatana walks she looks like she's on a Runway! She is so poised and confident looking

Also it seems that they have gotten past that cloaking spell

And Esteban gets smacked in the face

They just love you using him for slapstick don't they?

I just love it how bat says casually that they're being watched

And Ash and Chatana flip out like they're about to be caught by the thought police

Okay, Esteban is hilarious

*Ash Eyeroll*

I wonder who has done more eye rolls in the series Ash or Esteban?

And she blocked it again, I guess it wears off over time?

SOME kind of cloaking spell!? it looks like the same one they were using before!

I sure hope Philly wasn't conscious with Chatana all those years

She CAN fly!

And we finally get to see her make a monster and it's so cool!!!

Spiders spiders everywhere!

Flying spider tornado!

Ash and Esteban’s reactions are valid

BABY spider Eagles! that changes everything

Now that means that they're really cute

I would still be distracted by them though

Esteban sass

Ash threats

If they weren't so evil they make a great sitcom team

~~~break to watch final episode of Pride and Prejudice with my family~~

Gabe makes yet another strategy which will be most likely ignored or never brought up again

Points for trying, Captain

Oh good, that’s just webs, thought it was something else for a moment

Down they go, too bad she can't use levaloop with that sceptre and they're going to have a hard Landing

Woo he didn't use levaloop he's learning new spells

Yay team Ash back views! I've been needing these for artistic purposes

Did Phili just spit fire Let me back that up

Wow I think he did

Awww, “Little one”

They must train together a lot, Ash just needs to give Esteban a look and he does what they need

That's the same unlocking spell as before

do the Maruveians only have one kind of lock spell

Also wait did Chatana teach that to Ash at some point?

Because she certainly didn't use that on the gate before to unlock Chatana...

Oh nice unlocking effects

some...BODY ONCE TOLD ME

MAMA <--May I also mention that my theory was right

Wait all of Chatana's creatures are locked up here?

I guess there are the Sunbird jars

True she was captured, (much better excuse than Pink Diamond’s)

And here is Esteban, the king of sucking up

In a way, Kizin Reminds me of Sarah

He Likes the tall funny man

Good recovery Esteban, you didn't make any snide comment that time

And now everyone else sucks up

Except Phili

Chatana smile

Kizin has other friends? AWW, he Just wants to help his friends!

Ash has done nothing other than that spell so far except yell and complain to others

And there goes a bat

We will probably get him later... or maybe we will just leave him

Oh look will team Avalor attack him immediately or will they try and reason with him first

If you needed more guards why didn't you just grab them in the first place

I know Migs and Skyler are Guardians but couldn't you have gotten another Guardian to go and get reinforcements?

Elena never planned ahead for things

Gabe the running LOL

So you're going to just attack him instead of reasoning with him? okay

I think that trip wire might be a little high Naomi

Wait Shouldn't Elena and Mateo wait on the other side of the tripwire so that they can surround Kizim just in case

Naomi tie the tripwire you won't be strong enough to hold it up yourself

Or maybe you will you are pretty strong

Hey look there's the bat

No Naomi, no Naomi no tie the rope Naomi, and then go after him

Tell Elena of your financial troubles don't risk it all

(to quote Ash:) foolish child....

Looks like the bats in the bag

Also why was he attacking ships in the first place, for the LOLs?

More Gabe running

*Sigh* should have tied it...

She hurt him he hurt her

Very good, Gabe protect

See Don't Use Magic on Kizim, use Magic on yourself

Oh yeah use the wizard to unlock the pots

And then an extra

You know it seems like every episode where Elena could do a lot more she gets injured and then another character has to save the day

It happened in the episode with the merman Prince

Naomi just sort of stands there and watches

Okay that scene is funnier in context than it is in the trailer

First aid! Someone actually knows how to do first aid!

Mateo disobeyed a plan and now Naomi disobeyed the plan

When will they learn that disobeying plans always leads to bad things

Sorry Princess I'm broke

And Too Proud to Beg

Okay, this is a complicated situation, on one hand Naomi is a big help in defeating villains on the other, why don't they just get a royal guard who is good with a lasso?

I mean there are definitely some personal emotions running here

But also it might have been better to wait to become a Captain until after the villains had been caught

I just think this might be both their faults

Although running out to the bat and not tying the Rope yeah

Little scared Mateo noise

I thought it was just going to run head-on into a wall

LOL if one man can't do it get the other guy to do it

Gabe with magic well that would be interesting…

Well yeah, he's normally there

Wait he's not going to attack Keatamos is he?

Gabe and Matteo wouldn't allow that

“Hello friends” awww

Uh-oh is right, that many shaking pots is never good

And now they're here to save the day

When you forget you have an injury

Although she Naomi should have felt the arm first to see how the sling should be set

He likes one cousin and dislikes the other

Wait magic wands are handed?

Don't worry that Blaze probably didn't hit the wood that's everywhere around here

How would releasing the bat help, I feel like he'd be on Kizim's side

Couldn't you have just caught him in the bag with the bat still inside

Actually no, the bat would get squished

Well Gabe, you are bringing the burn today

Esteban reacts to waiting for things the same way I do

Esteban knows he's the universe is punching bag

Ash facepalm

Chatana does care

And Phili never will

OOOOh Other allies!??!

It just seems like the Delgados inexplicably know about every different darkforce and possible magic thing there is

She is angsting, Naomi, Which she always does alone

Wow her arm is in a cast

Couldn't they just fix it with magic?

Does no one in this world know a healing spell?

Actually that wouldn't surprise me.

Get a room you two! Oh, you do have a room

now kiss

They love each other

You know you can hire your own ship crew at some point right?

I mean Captains classically command other crew members.

Wait is she coming back to the council

No Naomi don't ruin your life with politics!

Get out while you still can!

Wait, Naomi doesn't know she was replaced

Well it would be easier on Julio if he didn't have two jobs…

Which is the responsible thing to do

She lives to serve

Hugs

Every episode with Chatana so far has had Elena Naomi angst

That's the end of my reaction.

~~~~~

So here's my Mini review. Overall I liked the episode, sure the big conflicts could have been avoided if people actually talked with each other about their feelings first before the disasters, but that happens so often in TV shows I'm almost used to it. I loved seeing the villain force again (especially Chatana). Hopefully we will see them again soon. I wonder what job Naomi will get now, (Maybe being the minister of ships)?

#my post #my reaction #my live reaction #Elena of Avalor #Giant Steps #EOA #eoa spoilers

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ducktracy · 4 years

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104. buddy’s lost world (1935)

release date: may 18th, 1935

series: looney tunes

director: jack king

starring: jack carr (buddy)

the first of the buddy cartoons that includes a shot of his smiling face (à la disney), a tradition that would be carried on with the beans cartoons and a handful of porky cartoons. though i suppose you could also count the numerous “bugs bunny in”s, too. considered the first entry of the dinosaur cartoons, a popular genre in the looney tunes universe, buddy and his dog bozo discover the “lost world”—a prehistoric haven whose novelty wears off rather quickly when its dangers are exposed.

buddy’s all set to disembark on his quest, his sail advertising “CAPT. BUDDY’S EXPEDITION TO THE LOST WORLD”. he greets a cheering crowd by shaking his fits proudly, eating up the attention. he starts the motor of his boat (meaning the sail is entirely redundant, which i love) and rockets off. unfortunately for his crowd, he forgot to untie the rope anchoring him to the dock. the entire dock plummer’s into the waters as his fanbase all try to swim to shore.

a nice back angle of buddy and his pal bozo riding in the boat, heading for land (buddy excitedly proclaiming “land, bozo! land!”). if i’m not mistaken (it’s been a few months since i’ve seen the cartoon), the same shot would be reused with porky in fish tales, another jack king short. a wave propels them to shore, the boat screeching to a halt. buddy and bozo disembark, bozo yapping happily while buddy unravels a map. he yells “oh boy, it’s the lost island! hooray! oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” buddy sounds like an actual kid here. i‘ve seem a source or two list child actor jackie morrow as a voice credit for buddy, but i can’t attest to its validity. so, for the time being, jack carr will be a placeholder name until i figure out elsewhere (like the johnny murray/max maxwell situation with bosko and his changing voice, especially in his later WB cartoons)

elsewhere, bozo spots a pair of footprints. he sniffs them out, causing them to inch forward slightly. more sniffing, more inching. he follows the footprints through an area decorated thickly with trees, continuing on. the trees are no trees at all, but the legs of a massive dinosaur—good staging. the dinosaur angrily stalks bozo, who is stalking the footprints. only when the dinosaur snorts does bozo realize he’s being followed. terrified, bozo zips away, whirling past a woman jump roping.

in the midst of his panic, bozo comes across a caveman digging at the dirt like a dog. ...interesting. the caveman growls at his uninvited visitor, both of them circling each other on all fours. finally, the caveman dips into his hole and brings out a giant bone under his protection. the caveman runs away, and bozo, now curious, digs at the ground.

bozo finds a bone... and plenty of them. he unearths an entire dinosaur skeleton, getting trapped inside its ribs. he yowls for help, catching the attention of buddy, who had been wandering the island. he spots his shanghaied pooch and tries to tug him out, but to no avail. he meanders to the skull of the dinosaur, prying open its jaws and whistling for bozo to come to him. bozo gratefully darts out of the dinosaur’s mouth and covers buddy in thankful kisses.

back to the caveman/dog hybrid, who now has a tail? he didn’t before, which is odd. i wonder if that was an additive or a subtractive—was he originally supposed to have one and they forgot? or was one of the animators putting his own flair on things? he’s sniffing at some bushes, scratching behind his ear with his foot while buddy and bozo discreetly observe. unable to stand it any longer, bozo launches after the caveman, buddy chasing behind.

bozo and the caveman take their chase into a cave, buddy getting the short end of the stick and slamming against a rock that closes the entrance off. unbeknownst to buddy, a hungry plant licks its lips and looms behind him, a good setup as buddy obliviously calls for bozo as the plant comes in for the kill. buddy realizes he has company, but too late. the plant swallows him whole. buddy tumbles through its inside, a rather creative segue as he pops out of another plant attached to a cliff.

it’s just as well—buddy stumbles across civilization. the underscore for this scene is... confusing. it’s “lullaby of broadway”, from the musical gold diggers of ‘35 (not to be confused with gold diggers of ‘33. and, of course, the cartoon gold diggers of ‘49). it’s a catchy song, absolutely, but a song whose lyrics entail “the rumble of the subway train, the rattle of the taxis” doesn’t quite fit the mood for a prehistoric village. maybe that’s the point, though, and i’m just thinking too far into it. likely it was probably used as for advertising purposes for the movie, like a discreet merrie melody. the village is thriving, villagers playing croquet, with wishbones serving as the wickets.

buddy is mesmerized and takes a closer look, sliding down a tree trunk that actually turns out to be a happy dinosaur. meanwhile, three prehistoric caricatures of the three stooges pop up (wonderfully weird) and observe buddy. larry shushes curly, who sneezes, and the typical eye poking slapstick ensues. back to buddy, who feeds his dinosaur companion an apple.

larry devises an incomprehensible plan, sneaking away from the group. funny how larry’s the villain, you’d think moe would be the one. larry spots bozo, who’s tied up to a tree (did he escape?). larry unties him and ties him to what appears to be a giant mousetrap.

bozo cries for help, and buddy, still playing with his dinosaur friend, hears him and runs to the rescue. buddy attempts to free his pooch, but to no avail. instead, he activated the trap, metal bars enclosing the two as larry approaches his victims. moe and curly come sauntering over, larry signaling for them to push while he pulls. moe gives curly a sock in the head for good measure before pushing the cage.

who knew the three stooges were cannibals? buddy and bozo are in a boiling pot while the once happy villagers are chanting on the ceremony. we have a collection of gags to lighten the mood. after all, it is a feast! a man presses down on a dinosaur skeleton’s teeth, chimes reverberating against the ribs. elsewhere, two cavemen do a waltz, intermittently hitting each other on the head. the same gag would be reused in naughty neighbors, executed in a much funnier manner. probably the most amusing part of the cartoon (though porky’s poor attempts to harmonize with petunia in “would you like to take a walk?” is also a highlight). nevertheless, it’s still a funny gag.

buddy cries for help as the pot begins to stir, and his dinosaur friend hears his shrieks. i love the perspective on this shot. in motion, it’s a little wonky—as though they didn’t know how to truly commit to the perspective all the way through the scene. this is the best it looks in this single key frame (though i’m sure that’s also the result of a different animator for the inbetweens). i applaud them for trying. jack king’s cartoons aren’t my favorite, but i do like that he has an eye for cinematography, like a predecessor to frank tashlin. the dinosaur approaches the crowd, grabbing a caveman (who i think is supposed to be larry) and tossing him towards the camera, much to the delight of buddy and bozo. he tosses another identical caveman, a random rock appearing and disappearing from the scene.

the dinosaur dips its head into the pot and scoops up both buddy and bozo. buddy slides down the dinosaur’s neck and lands comfortably on its back, the dinosaur gingerly placing bozo beside him. buddy crowns the dinosaur with his captain’s hat, and we iris out as buddy gets covered in kisses by both bozo and the dinosaur.

as far as buddy cartoons go, this one wasn’t too bad! still rather mediocre, but less mediocre than others. i wasn’t too excited about this one, but i’m always glad to be proven wrong. having the three stooges as three cannibals was a very interesting plot point i never woukd have guessed in a million years. speaking of plots, the weird caveman/dog hybrid... i guess that was just there for the sake of being there? it felt too extended to be a gag, like a plot point in itself, but also feels too loose and discombobulated to the actual plot at hand. nothing very exciting in the cartoon, but it was cute. maybe worth a watch just because of how strange it is. i’ll always value absurdity!

link!

#lt #buddy’s lost world #reviews #long post

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thetygre · 6 years

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30 Day Monster Challenge 2 - Day #16: Favorite Evil Weapon/Object

1. Stormbringer (Elric of Melnibone)

The Black Blade. Daughter of Arioch. The Stealer of Souls. One of the single most legendary swords in all of fantasy, present in every universe in at least one form or another. A demon of chaos bound by the Lords of Law into the shape of a weapon. Whoever wields it can drain the souls from whoever they stab and sustain themselves with it, but is driven by a terrible hunger. The Black Blade has a will of its own, and it howls for blood as it is swung. In short, the definitive evil weapon.

What makes Stormbringer stand out from its later imitators, and even previous legendary evil weapons, is how it affects its primary wield, Elric of Melnibone. As an albino, Elric is sickly, and usually uses medicine and dark magic to stay alive. But abroad in the Young Kingdoms, Elric has to rely on Stormbringer to survive. Even as Elric connects with people outside his home kingdom, they are bound to die whenever he needs to stay alive, no matter how much Elric tries to fight it. Stormbringer is essentially a manifestation of Elric’s burden as the Champion of Balance, but also his greater isolation that distances him from being able to make connections. Elric makes it clear that Stormbringer isn’t some kind of ultimate weapon, it’s a crutch, a drug that ultimately consumes its user. And in the end, that’s what happens to Elric; when the entire universe is consumed by chaos, Stormbringer finally turns on Elric before disappearing into the apocalypse.

2. Soul Edge/Soul Calibur (Soulcalibur)

So this is honestly cheating, but I just can’t pick between the two swords. Soul Edge is the clear Stormbringer descendent and looks rad as hell to boot. Even more that Stormbringer, Soul Edge looks like a living, breathing monster. It can even shapeshift into weapons that aren’t sword, and it had an entire life cycle in Soulcalibur 2. But Soul Edge never really stopped being the ‘bad’ sword. It’s counterpart, Soul Calibur, on the other hand, started off as the ‘good’ sword. But as the series went on, Soul Calibur began to change. In Soulcalibur 4 it was hinted that Soul Calibur might have a mind of its own as well, and it might not have the purest intentions. By Soulcalibur 5, the plot hook came to fruition; Soul Calibur is just as dangerous as Soul Edge and wants to trap the world in a perfect unchanging state. The swords have become the embodiments of Law and Chaos; the Michael Moorcock reference comes full circle. All we need now is a game where Soul Calibur is out of control and the only thing that can stop it is Soul Edge.

3. The Terror Mask (Splatterhouse)

The Terror Mask has sass, the Terror Mask has a personality. Half these evil artifacts are just kind of generically malevolent; they won’t yell at you in Jim Cummings’ voice and call you a pussy when you notice one of your arms is missing. There’s a surprising amount of lore invested in the Terror Mask. An entity from the space between spaces, it fled the cosmic horror gods until they bound it in a bone mask. Now it’s out to settle the score, and whoever is wearing it just happens to be along for the ride. Granted, the wearer of the mask turns into a hulking slasher ogre that is almost impossible to kill. The Splatterhouse games are a gateway into the video game id, replete with monsters, ultra-violence, and a hero so buff he puts the ‘masculine’ in ‘toxic masculinity’. The Terror Mask, like in the game, is just a way to get to that special kind of hell.

4. The Necronomicon Ex Mortis (Evil Dead)

The Necronomicon Ex Mortis is probably the most famous evil book in the world, probably more so than Lovecraft’s original Necronomicon. (Frankly, I could do an entire list on favorite evil books, but we’ll get there when we get there.) The Ex Mortis really doesn’t have a lot to do with Lovecraft besides the name, other than that they are both old, sanity-rending, and bodies of literature. But, being honest, the Ex Mortis is just the more fun of the two. The Ex Mortis is the party-boy of evil books to the original Necronomicon’s Ivy League scholar. It’s such an embodiment of Sam Raimi horror; gory, campy, with a bit of slapstick thrown in, and its mere presence causes weirdness to happen. The Necronomicon Ex Mortis contains knowledge of things man was not meant to know, and it knows it. It’s mischievous, and it’d almost be lovable if it wasn’t also full of immensely powerful black magic.

5. The One Ring (Lord of the Rings)

I’ve always been interested by the concept that the One Ring can think for itself. The One Ring is, ultimately, an incredibly loyal evil artifact, and is only interested in new yielders insofar as they can deliver it back to Sauron. The Ring really is an apt counterpart for the hobbits; a little thing, defenseless, almost useless at first glance, but capable of changing the world. The Ring also has a pedigree, of course. It shares more than few traits with the Ring of Nibelung from the Wagnerian cycle of operas of the same name. The Nibelung Ring, like the One Ring, can grant the wearer power over the world, but only if they renounce love. In time, the covetousness of men and gods for the ring destroys the world and brings about Ragnarok. The One Ring is a reflection of the Ring of Nibelung, but also vastly different in many respects. It brings about the end of the gods and immortals, but only because they were staying to try and destroy it. The end of the Ring and of Sauron grants the world the ability to move into the next age, the age of mankind, which reflects not only Tolkien’s notions about divinity and its place in human existence, but I think also his faith that people can rise to their best in the changing times.

6. Rubilax (Wakfu)

Rubilax is the only evil weapon here to have a character arc. Granted, that’s because he’s actually a demon bound to a sword, but whatever. Rubilax starts out as your typical evil sword, trying to possess the (idiot) paladin bound to guard him. Not to make it a contest, but he gets pretty far, to the point that said paladin has to release Rubilax and fight him in a bare-knuckle fist fight into submission. After that, things get kind of complicated. People die, souls are displaced, there’s a colosseum death match, and Rubilax has to make some calls about his moral character, so to speak. In the end, Rubilax decides to side with the good guys, and even gets along with the paladin’s kids. So he’s less of an evil weapon and more of just a demonic one, but he’s definitely the most nuanced character here.

7. The Event Horizon (Event Horizon)

The Even Horizon is pushing the definition of ‘evil object’. It’s really more of an evil place, which might also be worth a look sometime, but for now a ship counts as an object. There’s plenty of sci-fi stories that try to do the cursed spaceship deal, but I feel like Event Horizon is the only one that really captures the gothic horror aspect. I think we tend to forget that architecture, aside from its practical usage, is also meant to convey ideas and thoughts as much as any other form of artistry, and was one of the more important forms of public communication before the spread of reading. The architecture of the Event Horizon is the words to a spell, the three-dimensional incantation that opens the gates of Hell. It was a morbid, dark temple to man’s ignorance even before it went into other dimensions. Once it returns, it hungers for more; a cursed ship bound to always return to its home port on the other side. Something about the Event Horizon reminds me of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner; the way the ship is warped and changed by sailing through strange waters, and how the survivors are bound to relive the curse over and over again. That’s why the Event Horizon is my favorite ghost ship in science fiction.

8. The Marker (Dead Space)

The Marker draws directly from Event Horizon, and they both share the concept of wordlessly communicating a kind of madness to the people who view them. The Marker, though, takes it to a new extreme, in that it has a literal insanity aura that causes hallucinations, paranoia, and aggressiveness. An interesting way that the Marker is more ‘alive’ than other evil objects is that it is self-propagating; part of the madness it transmits is the formula necessary for its replications. But what I find most fascinating is how the Marker can transmit information that changes DNA, altering people on the cellular level to turn them into Necromorphs. That kind of power, to change biology through information, is nothing short of magic in most other settings.

9. The Berserker Armor (Berserk)

You can’t fight demons if you ain’t cute. The Berserker Armor was forged by dwarves for the explicit purpose of fighting demons and monsters. It draws on the rage and negative energy inside a person to give them incredible strength and agility, but at the price of slowly draining their senses. The Skull Knight originally made it for himself, but even he was scared off by the armor’s power. Now Guts has it, and he has a lot of rage to give. I think the most fascinating thing about the armor is how it changes and molds itself to how Guts’ uses it. It didn’t start off with a giant wolf helmet; that’s just Guts’ personal totem representing his inner darkness. But when the armor drew on that, it changed shape, and when Guts holds himself back, it stays restrained. Still, the armor takes a lower spot because it itself isn’t evil, it just draws on a person’s internal negativity; it’s all up to the wearer on how much they use it.

10. The Gonne (Discworld)

Discworld is full of anachronistic magical devices, and they’re all usually cause for some kind of concern. The Gonne was at the center of a fairly elaborate murder plot involving the Assassin’s Guild and the Night Watch, but was finally put a stop to. Like any good evil weapon, it whispers promises of power to whoever happens to be holding it at the time, and is also a little trigger-happy. But the Gonne and its metaphor for firearms gets kind of overshadowed by everything happening around it, and it even gets acknowledged as a powerful and worthy weapon in its own way by the end.

#30 Day Monster Challenge 2 #30 Day Monster Challenge #soul calibur #lord of the rings #dead space #wakfu #evil dead #berserk #long post

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queenofcats17 · 6 years

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Dad Privileges Revoked 2

So, here’s the picture @aceofintuition drew. @startistdoodles also drew this, so I wanted to include Gingie.

Also, this

The part at the end is courtesy of @pipesflowforeverandever and @startistdoodles rping in the stream. It was too good for me not to include.

When Gingie visited Snowy next, he was delighted to find that Mary Jane and Ivy were there as well. He, however, was a bit confused as to why there were suddenly new children in Snowy’s studio. Snowy wasn’t exactly the type to amass children as Gingie seemed to.

“Erm, Snowy my boy, why are there new children here?” He whispered as he watched Mary Jane read to Joy and Ivy. It was a rather touching scene, almost enough to make Gingie’s heart melt.

“It’s kind of a long story.” Snowy shrugged.

“Well, I have time.”

Snowy rolled his eyes and took Gingie out of the room to fully explain the situation. Once he had, Gingie was less than pleased with the situation. In fact, he wanted to go give Mary Jane’s father a good talking to.

“The nerve of that man!” Gingie slammed his cane into the ground, pacing back and forth to try and release the rage welling up in his chest. “To do that to his own daughter! I would like to have words with him!”

“He’s probably beyond help, Gingersnap.” Snowy shook his head. “I doubt you’d get him to see reason, even if you tried.”

“I just...Urgh!” Gingie slammed his cane again. He couldn’t even properly formulate words for just how angry he was. Family was everything. To think someone would do that to his own daughter...

“Yeah, I know.” Snowy nodded grimly.

“Is everything alright?” Mary Jane peeked out into the hallway. “I heard a lot of loud noises.”

“Everything is quite, alright, my dear.” Gingie immediately put on a bright smile. “Snowy was just explaining the situation to me.”

“Oh.” Mary Jane’s face fell and she drew into herself. Snowy and Gingie exchanged a glance and Gingie walked over to her.

“I’m sure Snowy has a lot of work to do.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “So why don’t I keep you and little Joy company? It’s been quite a while since I saw my dear little niece.” Mary Jane hesitated but went back into the break room along with Gingie. Gingie glanced back at Snowy and nodded.

“I’ll be back later,” Snowy said, before heading to his office. Gingie closed the door to the break room behind him, putting on his biggest smile.

“Uncle Gingie!” Joy’s face lit up when she saw Gingie descending the stairs with Mary Jane. She got up and ran over, allowing Gingie to sweep her up in a big hug.

“Hello, my darling girl!” He said, spinning her around. “It’s so so lovely to see you again!”

“Heya Candletop.” Ivy gave him a wink. “How’s it going?”

“And hello to you too, Miss Ivy.” Gingie put Joy down. “How are you on this fine day?”

“Could be better.” Ivy shrugged. “Milkshake yelled at us for trying to take his cookie stash.”

“I told you both not to do that.” Mary Jane sighed, settling down at the table.

“Well, Jellybean wanted a cookie. Who was I to say no?” Ivy asked innocently.

“You should be careful not to eat too many sweets.” Gingie sat down along with the others. “You might get cavities.”

“But Daddy eats sweets all the time.” Joy said.

“And I’ve told him the same thing.” Gingie tapped Joy’s nose with one finger. Joy giggled and covered her nose.

“In any case, what are you all doing?” Gingie turned his attention to Mary Jane and Ivy.

“Well, we were reading.” Mary Jane gestured to the books on the table. “But then Ivy got bored and wanted to draw.”

“So now we’re drawing!” Ivy grinned, happily holding up her picture.

“That’s a very nice picture.” Gingie nodded appreciatively. “Who have you drawn?”

“That’s me.” Ivy pointed to the figure in the middle. “And these are my friends Harvey and Oscar!” She then pointed to the other two.

“I drew me, Daddy, you, Ivy, Uncle Henry, and Mary!” Joy held up her own picture. “We’re all a big family!” Gingie’s smile softened as he stared at the drawing. It was crude, all the figures stick-like, but it was the thought that counted.

“Do you...Do you really consider me part of your family?” Mary Jane asked quietly.

“Mm-hm.” Joy nodded, going back to drawing. “You’re like a big sister! I always wanted a big sister.”

“What about me?” Ivy whined. Joy seemed to think about this for a moment, her little face screwed up in concentration.

“I dunno.” She shrugged. “But you’re family anyway!” Ivy seemed satisfied with this, returning to drawing. Gingie looked over at Mary Jane, who’d fallen silent.

“Mary Jane? Are you alright?” He asked, getting up. Her shoulders were shaking and she had her head bowed. Gingie frowned, getting up and walking over to put a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, revealing tears in her eyes.

“My dear, is something wrong?” Gingie’s brow furrowed.

“Oh no!” Joy immediately got up and ran over to wrap her arms around Mary Jane. “Don’t be sad!”

“I’m not sad.” Mary Jane sniffled. “I’m just...I’m really happy.” She’d always wanted a sister. She knew her father still loved her, despite what he’d done, but it was hard knowing he’d hurt her and other people. Gingie and Joy held her for a few minutes while she cried and Ivy tried to cheer her up with some slapstick gags. Mary Jane seemed to recover after a little bit and they moved on. Gingie volunteered to read to them, which the girls accepted. Gingie delightedly acted out the stories, along with silly voices. This kept the girls entertained for a good long while. Until Snowy returned.

Gingie had been in the middle of teaching the girls how to properly draw hands when they’d been interrupted by a loud bang. Immediately, Gingie shifted into protection mode.

“What was that?” Mary Jane asked, eyes suddenly wide with concern.

“Mr. Franks probably fell over his bucket again.” Joy nodded sagely. Ivy snickered in a way that hinted she’d probably ‘accidentally’ left some buckets in Wally’s path.

“I’ll go see what it was.” Gingie smiled reassuringly. “I’m sure Joy’s right.” He patted Mary Jane’s head before heading out. He immediately went to Snowy’s office. He had a pretty good idea of where the bang had come from. Sure enough, there was Snowy, slumped in his office chair.

“Goodness! You look positively awful!”

“Yeah, no shit, Gingersnap,” Snowy grumbled, giving him a withering look. He had the beginnings of a rather nasty shiner, as well as various bruises and cuts all over his body and a few rips in his shirt.

“What happened?” Gingie rushed to his side, hovering in a very dad-like way.

“I went to confront that bastard.” Snowy shooed him away. “For a guy with a cane, he’s pretty damn strong.”

“Oh my.” Gingie clicked his tongue, fighting the urge to pull out his handkerchief and start wiping off Snowy’s face.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Snowy said. “Stop fussing.” Gingie was about to protest and tell Snowy that it likely was as bad as it looked, but he was interrupted by a small gasp from the doorway. Both men turned to find Mary Jane standing in the door to Snowy’s office. Her hands flew to her mouth, tears glittering in her eyes.

“Oh dear.” Gingie murmured.

“Did...Did Papa do that to you?” Mary Jane asked quietly.

“Yeah.” Snowy nodded grimly. Mary Jane looks on the verge of tears. Immediately, Gingie was at her side, guiding her away from Snowy.

“Why don’t we go get something to drink?” He suggested. “I’m sure Snowy needs some time to rest.” Mary Jane offered absolutely no resistance, whimpering quietly as she was led away.

-----------------------------------------------

“Mr. Drew?”

“Yes, my dear?”

“Could I...give you a hug?”

“But of course!” He gave her a warm smile.

“I want to apologize, for what my father did.”

"Darling dearest, it's not your fault..." He wraps her into a close, gentle hug. "You're alright...it'll be alright..." She doesn’t know what to say she just buries her face in his shoulder

"You're loved and cared for and so so, SO important.”

“Do you think I’ll...be like him one day, Papa? I—I mean Mr. Drew...”

"Darling! No no no!" He holds her closer before backing up a bit, holding her by the shoulders. She looks ashamed, but she looks up to meet his gaze.

His eyes are shiny, betraying their wateriness. "You aren't...what other people choose for you."

"You are a delightful little girl with a warm, splendid heart."

“I don’t want to be like him, but I don’t know why he is the way he is...I don’t want to be a monster again....”

"Tell me, my dear..." He asked. "Who do YOU want to be?"

“I......” She looks down at her feet. “I just want to make people happy...”

His fingers grip her tighter, his eyes wide as a rough whisper comes from his heart. "Then be...happy."

“But what if people look at me the same way they look at...him...? I know he doesn’t define me but...do others?”

There's a bit of silence before he speaks again. "Mary-Jane, did I ever tell you about my mother and I?"

She shakes her head and puts her hand on his. “No...”

A chuckle softly curls one side of his mouth, his eyes lowering bit too. "She was...a very, very wonderful woman. You could feel it. When you met her...you could...feel her. Do you understand what I mean?"

She pauses, very clearly thinking about her father and how that wouldn’t apply before her eyes widen and she nods slowly as she seems to remember someone like that.

"A powerful spirit like that makes a name for themselves whether they try to or not. And she was a powerful spirit indeed." He blinks, pursing his lip in memory. "And as her son that...carried with me."

“I’m sure she was...being your mother and all...” She puts a hand on his shoulder. “You had a positive influence to draw from.”

Gingie nods his head side to thought with a thoughtful smile. "Yes, I say she's been..very positive in my life. But more so what I mean is that..." And before his gaze was so firm upon the child in front of him, but it suddenly fades to look ahead at nothing. He is now a child himself once again, just for a moment, as he reminisces. "....It was...a very long time for me to figure out the difference between being her child and being me."

His sight finally returns to her, half-lidded and soft with understanding. "And I suppose that's how you must feel right now with your father." He shakes his head. "I can't imagine that looming over you like a shadow day in, day out. But..." And he pulls her in again for a hold.

“He always loved me,” she said softly. “Despite what he has done, I know that for sure. But it’s hard to stand by and watch your own...hurt other people you love. But I’m glad it was me instead of anyone else...”

"He will never stop you from being you. No one's assumptions will ever make you what he is." At her words, he finally chokes up. You can hear him cry in the back of his throat, holding it in for her. "You're such a brave, kindhearted soul. That will make you different forever, even if you forget."

“I don’t think I’ll forget with you watching over me, papa.” She plants a kiss on his forehead. And just like that, he melts away. He can't hold in his tears, and they fall down one by one over rosy old cheeks and a lip that trembled no matter how hard he bit it. She wraps gentle arms around his neck and breathes steadily, allowing messy tears to drip on her shoulders. And he so, so carefully pulls her back into his chest as he kneels in front of her, putting a hand gently over her head to smooth her hair in comforting pats. He breathes in a shaken, weary sigh.

“If there were more people like you, this world would be a much gentler place...Don’t lose your spark, ok? You’re just as important as I am.”

If he wasn't holding her close before, he was now- so much so that if she let go he could still pick her off the ground.

"God as my witness, I will not forget who you really are, my dear." He said. "Never in all the years this old heart has left. I won't let you forget either."

Her own lip begins to quiver as soft hiccups lead to quiet tears and a grip on his suit.

"Would you like to come back with me for a bit? With Snowy's permission, of course." She can feel him smile gently as he is pressed into her head. "I don't think he'll mind though"

Mary-Jane nods, her hands rubbing on her swollen eyes. “You’re the only other one Mr. Drew would let me go with,” she chuckles gently. “It would be a pleasure, of course.”

#bendy and the ink machine #fanfiction #joey drew #joy drew #mary jane drew #gingie drew #joey snowy drew #snowy drew #ivy

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