#phantasticlizzyfics
Text
Your Mess Is Mine
Summary: “I know what you’re thinking,” he said with a serious tone, catching Dan off guard.
“Do you?” honestly, it wasn’t that hard to guess.
“Yes. You’re thinking that this hat totally clashes with everything else I’m wearing, and you’re not wrong.” He was looking at Dan with round, shiny eyes. Dan blinked at him a few times, dumbstruck.
———————————
A university!au where Dan is a third year student dealing with demons from his past, and Phil is the peculiar guy from his Greek mythology class who he just can’t quite get out of his mind.
warnings: mention of suicide (not discussed in detail), Minor Character Death
read on ao3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12640926/chapters/56116090
also check out the amazing art @ninapons made for this fic!! hereand here and here
chapter 15
words for this chapter : 5k
total word count: 58409
notes: so... yeah haha i’m back! sorry for the (unreasonably long) wait guys, i hope some of you are still interested in this story ^.^ a huge thank you to @honeywreath for the moral support <3 she’s as aweet as they get <333 also as i’m really nervous posting this, i would really appreciate your feedback, so please tell me what you think! and... hope you like it lol
read last chapter here
start at the beginning
For the first time in his life, Dan was grateful for exam season.
The days went by in a blur, meshing together while he was trying to focus all his energy on studying and passing his exams, instead of his unanswered calls and messages.
Ezra was finally back from the holidays, dividing his time between their dorm room and the library (as it turned out, Ezra’s uncle refused to take him back to work at the shop, even with his mother’s insistence, so Ezra was still out of a job and apparently pretty stressed about the whole thing).
Dan found that he actually preferred the times they were both in their room together to the times when Ezra would disappear to the library to study. Ezra wasn’t big on conversations, and honestly they didn’t have a lot in common either way, but even so, having a constant presence of someone familiar next to him brought Dan a surprising amount of relief. Ezra was constantly making some kind of noise, clicking his tongue or sighing loudly when he couldn’t get something right, filling the room with sounds and liveliness. And even though it used to drive Dan crazy, he started taking comfort in those sounds, in the knowledge that someone else was present in the room with him, welcoming the distraction. (Dan briefly wondered if it was a result of Phil’s never ending chatter that made him suddenly uncomfortable with silence, but he pushed the thought away quickly, not liking the way it made his heart clench painfully).
After a few days of feeling uneasy every time he was left alone in their room, Dan even started following Ezra to the library whenever he went (a fact that made Ezra unbelievably flustered and surprised the first few times, before getting used to the new arrangement). As it turned out, Ezra (like Dan) didn’t have a thriving social life, and more often than not spent his time studying by himself, so Dan didn’t really feel bad for intruding.
They studied next to each other in silence, each of them focused on their own laptop and books, and sometimes, when they both needed a break and a change in scenery, even went out to eat lunch together or drink coffee (though Ezra always stuck to tea, mumbling how coffee wasn’t good for his still growing body).
They usually sat opposite each other in the campus cafeteria, sharing the occasional word, but mostly Ezra kept his nose stuck in one of his textbooks, mumbling to himself, while Dan just stared at him absentmindedly, drinking his coffee or eating his sandwich.
It was on one of those coffee breaks that Dan noticed, to his surprise, that Ezra was actually quite handsome. It was an odd thought that popped into his mind suddenly, and it made Dan feel a little embarrassed, a little ashamed, that he never considered Ezra anything close to handsome before. If he was being honest with himself, Ezra’s odd personality and awkward behavior never let Dan look at him as anything other than his strange roommate.
But, he had to admit, Ezra was actually pretty good looking. Not in a flashy way, no- Dan didn’t think he would have noticed him or payed any extra attention to him if they have met somewhere outside their small dorm room (even if he didn’t know about his weird Beethoven obsession.) But even so, he had a nice, quiet kind of appeal to him.
He was two years younger than Dan, 19, and his face was still pretty boyish and soft (not unlike his own). He wasn’t as tall as Dan, but he definitely wasn’t short, and Dan had to admit his hazel eyes had a nice, cat like shape to them that he quite liked.
“You should get a different haircut,” Dan told him out of the blue, making him lift up his eyes and look at him in surprise.
“Excuse me?”
“Your hair, I think you should try having it a little longer, it would suit your face.”
Ezra was staring at him with wide eyes, pink coloring his freckled cheeks. Definitely cute, Dan thought.
“I always had it like this,” he said, his hand subconsciously moving up to the top of his head, petting his short trimmed hair.
Dan smiled, amused. “Of course you had,” he said, laughing when Ezra turned his face from him in annoyance, always quick to get offended by Dan’s teasing. “You have a pretty face though, I think longer hair would look good on you, but there’s nothing wrong with the way it is now,” he tried to say reassuringly, stopping himself from laughing more when Ezra’s face became unbelievably red and his eyes blew even wider.
“I don’t have a- a pretty face!” he protested, as if Dan threw an insult his way instead of paying him a compliment.
“Just my opinion mate,” Dan said, raising his hands in surrender, watching in amusement the way Ezra was avoiding his eyes pointedly.
He was quiet for a minute, looking stubbornly at his textbook before finally peeking at Dan. “You actually think I have a pretty face?” he asked, sounding suspicious and a little accusing, and all Dan could do to ignore that little painful pinch of Deja vu was nod. (Phil’s sweet, timid voice, asking him “do you think I’m cute?” while sitting on top of him, face pink but eyes a little mischievous, was the last thing he wanted to think about at that moment.)
“I do,” he confirmed, taking another sip from his coffee mug.
Ezra looked conflicted for a moment, looking between his book and Dan. “But… don’t you have a boyfriend?” he asked.
Dan almost choked on his coffee, coughing awkwardly. “I do,” he said, ignoring the way his heart dropped to his stomach at the mere thought of Phil being called his boyfriend. they were still together, Dan told himself, even if Phil was ignoring him, he was (almost) sure of that. “I wasn’t… hitting on you,” he said carefully, feeling his own cheeks heat up.
“Oh, of course!” Ezra said, looking so embarrassed Dan genuinely felt bad, trying to think of something to say to make the mortified expression on Ezra’s face disappear. He wasn’t sure how many people had ever expressed any interest in Ezra, and he was generally a pretty awkward guy, so really, he couldn’t blame him for jumping to this kind of conclusion, as unlikely as it may seem to Dan.
Also, Dan thought, maybe his comment wasn’t as casual as he thought. Maybe he actually said something weird. Maybe, he thought, a little horrified, after spending all his time with Phil and Martyn, he started to forget what was actually socially acceptable to say to a person you’re not all that close with.
Before he had the chance to say anything though, Ezra continued, his cheeks still red and his voice a little nervous. “It’s just that… you’ve been spending all your time with me since I came back. I don’t even have to tell you to stop talking on your phone at night anymore, so I thought maybe you guys, you know, broke up.”
Dan had the immediate desire to loudly protest. To defend his relationship, to get angry at Ezra for assuming. But he caught himself in time, taking a big breath. Truthfully, he himself wasn’t sure what was going on between him and Phil.
Dan felt like since Christmas, they’ve made a huge progress in their relationship. They talked openly about their lives and past, they expressed desire to have each other in their futures and Dan was serious in his conversation with Phil’s dad, he wanted to be there for Phil, always, to support him and make him happy. He wanted to trust him and trust their bond, but still, it was hard to do when he couldn’t stop the feeling of rejection from seeping into his body.
It hurt, to put it simply. It hurt and it frustrated Dan to no end and it made him a little angry. He gave Phil every reason to trust him, he gave him all that he could, more than he ever gave anyone before, and even though he wanted to be understanding, wanted to give Phil his space, he also wanted to get some kind of a sign. A sign that even in all this, Phil was still thinking of him too, that Phil could trust him with his grief, that they could share each other’s misfortunes instead of hiding away. That Dan wasn’t wrong in assuming they both felt the same way about each other.
More than anything though, Dan knew, even if he was more than a little irritated, that what he really wanted was to hold Phil and comfort him and be there for him. It made his heart ache to know that when Phil was at his lowest, it wasn’t Dan’s company that he sought out. It made him frustrated, upset, that when he finally decided to give himself to someone again, to give Phil all he could, Phil was pulling away with no warning. It made his heart ache, because he knew all too well what the possible result of not being trusted enough with another person’s pain could lead to, and even though he knew he was projecting, he couldn’t make his mind stop spinning with these thoughts.
Was he really that untrustworthy? Was he really someone the people closest to him couldn’t rely on?
“He’s going through some family stuff right now, but we’re still together,” Dan said, a little sharply. He definitely didn’t want to open the subject up for discussion.
“Oh,” Ezra said, looking back at his book “okay then.” He tried to regain his composure, but his cheeks were still pink and Dan knew he was extremely uncomfortable with the whole situation. Even so, he didn’t say anything else, letting Dan finish his coffee before returning with him to the library.
That night, when Dan couldn’t fall asleep, he put on a compilation of Beethoven’s finest for the second time since starting to live with Ezra, playing it loudly on his laptop speakers, ignoring the sparkle of hazel eyes staring at him from the other side of the dark room.
He lied back down on his bed, turned around to face the wall. “Don’t get used to it,” he said, his tone coming out more annoyed than he intended, and he cursed himself quietly.
To his surprise, he heard an unfamiliar chuckle coming out from the other’s bed, a soft airy sound that Dan was pretty sure he’d never heard Ezra make before. “I won’t,” he said, before Dan let himself close his eyes and let his mind be filled with the music, trying to push the intrusive thoughts away.
**********************************
Phil didn’t turn up to their Greek Mythology exam. Dan scanned the exam hall 3 times, his eyes shooting up to the entrance door every time a new student walked in, but he couldn’t spot the familiar blue eyes and black hair anywhere.
He had to finally give up, a sour taste in his mouth, when the doors where closed and the exam started, leaving his mind desperately trying to focus on the questions before him while his chest was clenching uncomfortably.
He got up from his seat half an hour before the time was up, knowing full well his answers were just good enough to pass the exam and nothing more. He ignored the misplaced envious glances from the other students and quickly got out the door, leaning against the nearest wall, trying to calm his heart down.
Phil wasn’t Oliver. He told himself. He wasn’t he wasn’t he wasn’t.
Dan had to trust him to be okay, he had to. Not because he was sure of it, no, but because at that point, there was nothing else he could do.
****************************************
Two week into January Dan got a phone call from Ezra. It was one of the rare times Dan wanted to be by himself, deciding to go walk around town one evening to buy some stuff he told himself he desperately needed for no other reason other than to distract himself.
He was desperately clinging to his exams, going to the library with Ezra and searching the campus hopefully whenever he was there. Neither Phil nor Martyn were answering his calls and texts, and when he tried going to their apartment one time, it seemed that nobody was even there. He wanted to respect their wishes to be left alone with their mourning, and he didn’t want to intrude, but he just needed, so badly, to know they were okay.
His chest was in a constant state of a dull ache, his mind hazy from useless exam information and worry, but he had to admit, walking around from shop to shop in the chilly January air was making him feel surprisingly better.
He was sitting in a coffee shop, looking outside the window and observing the people walking by while eating his lunch when his phone vibrated in his pocket.
Without his permission, his heart leaped in his chest in expectation. No one aside from Phil, and occasionally his mother, ever called him (and since he had an awkward, six minute talk with his mother the day before that consisted of him avoiding all her questions and telling her he was too busy studying, he was pretty sure it couldn’t be her).
But when he took out his phone and saw Ezra’s caller ID, he couldn’t mask his disappointment, even though he wasn’t really expecting Phil to call him at this point.
“Hello? Dan?” Ezra said the minute Dan picked up the call, sounding hesitant and urgent at the same time, making Dan’s heart speed up again in expectation.
“What’s up?” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but something in Ezra’s voice was making him feel on edge, making him start to pick up his things absentmindedly, not bothering finishing his half full cup of coffee. Somehow, he had a feeling what this was about.
“Hmm, I’m outside our room right now, and your, uh, Phil, came here a few minutes ago. I told him that you’re out but he insisted on waiting for you, so he’s inside now, I hope that’s okay.”
Dan was already outside the coffee shop when Ezra finished his sentence, feeling his heart beating loudly in his chest, making his way quickly to the bus stop. “Yeah, that’s okay. Thank you, I’m on my way back now,” he said, not able to mask his urgency. “Can you just… can you make sure he doesn’t leave before I get there?” he added.
Ezra let out a distress noise. “He, uh, doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” he said, sounding so uncomfortable from the whole situation that Dan even started to feel bad for him.
“What do you mean?”
“He just… he looks like he’s planning to stay here, until you come, at least.”
Ezra’s vague answer did nothing but put Dan even more on edge. “Just… stay there, please, until I get back. I’ll be there soon,” Dan said, before hanging up the phone, not letting Ezra have a chance to respond.
Dan wasn’t sure what to think. A mixture of relief, confusion and anger was swirling in his stomach, making him feel a little car sick on the bus ride back. Logically, Dan knew he shouldn’t be that upset. It was only two weeks. Two weeks after a big, heartbreaking loss, and if Phil wanted to take a step back and be by himself a little, to proses, how could Dan hold it against him?
But still. The radio silence from both Phil and Martyn, Phil not showing up for his exam, practically disappearing completely… could anyone really blame him for finding it alarming? Dan knew, better than most people, that he had no way of knowing what people actually think. What they would actually do. He felt powerless and terrified, so even though he understood, he couldn’t blame himself for the way his palms were sweating with nerves, his heart racing in his chest, his stomach filling with angry, fluttering butterflies he couldn’t force to calm down.
He couldn’t blame himself for feeling the strange combination of longing and bitterness settle in his guts. He wanted an explanation, maybe almost as much as he wanted to hold Phil in his arm again.
******************************
When Dan got to his dorm room he didn’t quite know what to expect, but still, the scene in front of him managed to catch him by surprise.
Ezra was standing awkwardly at his side of the room, watching Dan’s bed with carful, uncertain eyes. On Dan’s bed there was a big, human size lump under the covers, showing no signs of movement nor letting out any kind of sound.
Dan felt his heart clench at the unmistakable sight of Phil, curled up hiding under the blankets. He felt weirdly uncomfortable, awkward, not knowing how to approach this silent version of Phil after two weeks of chasing any kind of communication.
“Phil?” he tried saying, legs stuck to their place by the door, heart speeding up at the lack of answer. The slight movement under the covers was the only indication Phil was actually there, acknowledging Dan’s presence.
Dan felt something tight in his stomach loosening, just a bit. It’s fine, he’s here, he’s fine, he told himself, finally finding the will to move his legs and approach the bed.
He sat down at the edge, carefully and slowly, as if we was approaching a scared animal and not his boyfriend he hadn’t seen in two weeks, gently laying his hand on where he assumed Phil’s shoulder was.
“Phil,” he tried again, voice soft and a little pleading, sliding his hand up the blanket, moving it a bit to reveal the top of Phil’s head.
Phil was still silent, but he moved to curl around himself even more, trying to hide his head under the covers again.
“Phil,” Dan leaned down, his upper body covering Phil, mouth near his hidden ear.
There was silence again for a moment, but just when Dan was about to actually start panicking, Phil finally spoke.
“Do you hate me?”
His voice was small, sad, muffled by the pillow and blanket, but even so, just hearing it sent something sharp and quick through Dan’s chest. Something like longing, and want, and relief.
“No,” he answered, pressing himself even closer to Phil, who was still clinging to the blanket like it was the only thing that could protect him from Dan’s wrath. Dan wanted to laugh, almost as much as he wanted to cry. As if he could ever want to do anything other than hold Phil close and cherish him. As if Dan could ever actually hate him.
“Are you mad?” Phil asked, voice a little stronger, wiggling a little under Dan’s weight.
“A little,” Dan answered honestly. He was, and he didn’t want to hide that from Phil. He was mad and hurt and confused, and he wanted Phil to know that. He needed Phil to understand that even though he could never hate him, he was still upset about being left behind, being left to worry and speculate.
“I mostly worried about you,” he added, when Phil stayed silent, and then when he was sure Phil won’t flinch away anymore, he reached his hand to the visible top of Phil’s head, tugging on his hair.
There was a sudden movement under the blankets and before Dan could register what was happening, Phil was turning around under him, throwing himself on Dan’s lap, arms squeezing Dan’s waist tightly.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” he said against Dan’s stomach, voice muffled and watery. Dan let out a shaky breath, letting his hands settle on Phil’s shoulders, rubbing them soothingly.
“Um,” Dan almost jumped at the sudden sound coming from the other side of the room, turning his head to look at Ezra (who he completely forgot about), still standing in the corner of the room, looking extremely uncomfortable. Dan’s hold on Phil’s shoulders tightened instinctively, afraid that the reminder of the presence of someone else in the room would make him retreat again. But Phil didn’t respond to the sound at all, staying still, curled around Dan’s middle.
“I, eh, can go out for a bit,” Ezra said, rubbing his neck awkwardly. Dan was suddenly filled with gratitude towards his odd, kind roommate, who tolerated his moping and company and moods, and stayed in the room until Dan got there as he asked, even though it clearly made him uncomfortable.
“Thank you,” Dan said, softly, smiling at Ezra and making him flush bright red in response. Ezra nodded once, before moving from his spot by the wall to put on his shoes and quietly exit the room.
Dan let his attention go back to Phil, who was silently clinging to him and giving no signs of letting go any time soon. “I’m sorry,” Phil said again, a little more clearly, lifting his face a little to look at him, chin digging uncomfortably into Dan’s stomach.
His face was pale, even paler than usual, and his eyes were pink and wet behind his glasses even though he didn’t cry. He looked… tired, devastated, uncertain. And Dan was once again overwhelmed by the need to take all the pain away for him, to somehow make it all better.
“I know,” he said quietly, hand moving from Phil’s shoulder to his head, pushing his messy hair back. He wanted to say “it’s okay,” or, “you don’t have to be,” but he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie. It wasn’t okay, and Phil should be sorry, at least a little, for leaving Dan like he did. For making him sick with worry and speculation, for making him relive his biggest fears and insecurities.
“I was really scared,” he said instead, surprised to find his voice thick and tight with emotion. “I didn’t know where you were,” his throat felt like it was closing up around the words, making everything inside him burn painfully. “I wanted to respect your grief and I wanted to give you your time but I was so scared that… that-“ he couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t say it out loud. Two weeks of anxiety and loneliness and fear where catching up to him all at once, and it was too much for him to take after refusing to let himself think about it, trying to stop his mind from wandering into forbidden territories.
Phil moved urgently then, sitting up in front of Dan on his knees, eyes big and blue and regretful. He reached out with both his hands, cupping Dan’s cheeks, thumbs brushing the wetness Dan didn’t even realize was leaking out of his eyes. The cold, soft hands felt so familiar against his warm skin and Dan found himself leaning into the touch.
“Dan,” he said, and his voice was so pained it made Dan’s inside feel even tighter. “I would never do that to you.” Dan gave a small sound of protest, before he could stop himself, and Phil shook his head, leaning closer and pressing their foreheads together. “I know you hate when I say things like that, I’m sorry. But I wouldn’t I wouldn’t.” Phil was crying too now, fat tears running down his tired face, “I wouldn’t.”
“Okay,” Dan said, because he didn’t know what else to say, and wasn’t sure he could even produce a longer answer with the burning pain in his throat.
Phil let his hands slide down to Dan’s neck, pressing his face closer to him, nuzzling his cheek. Dan felt his own arms wrap around Phil’s waist instinctively, without his permission, holding him close.
“I needed… I don’t know exactly what I needed, I’m sorry.” Phil said against his cheek, quietly, softly, ”but I love you too much Dan, I love you, I would always want to come back to you.” Dan’s heart was beating loudly in his chest, Phil’s words screaming in his head. I love you I love you. It was so typical of Phil, to just say it like that, straightforward and honest.
“that is… if you still want me, of course,” Phil said, letting his hands fall down from Dan’s neck and scooting back a little to look him in the eyes, looking like he was genuinely scared to hear Dan’s answer. As if there was any way Dan wouldn’t want him anymore.
“I do, I do, of course I do,” Dan found himself say urgently, desperately, leaning closer and kissing Phil’s forehead and cheeks and eyelids. “You idiot, as if I would not.” Phil giggled at that, small and wet and a little sad, but Dan could feel his entire body fill with warmth at the sound.
“I just… please, just let me be there, for you, with you. That’s all I want, for you to let me be there, don’t leave me in the dark like that,” he said, clutching Phil’s sides tightly. “I know, I know I’m not good for a lot, but I’ll do anything for you, if you let me. Please trust me a little more, to be there.” He could feel the vague feeling of embarrassment, making his stomach flutter uncomfortably. It was still new to him, saying things so honestly, so openly, but Dan figured they needed a little honesty right now. Needed to put their cards on the table and hearts on their sleeves and tell each other what they wanted.
Phil shook his head in protest, “you’re good, you’re good,” he said, hands moving back to Dan’s face “you’re so, so good.” Phil leaned in, but stopped himself before his lips touched Dan’s. “Can I? Or, I mean-“
Dan didn’t let him finish, closing the space between them. Phil’s lips where unusually dry and chapped, and they both tasted salty from their tears, but it still made everything inside Dan’s body melt with relief. They kept it sweet, not pushing for more, and when Phil pulled away and pressed his forehead against Dan’s lips, demanding as always, Dan kissed the skin almost giddily, pulling Phil impossibly closer against his body.
“I’m so tired,” Phil said, leaning all his weight on Dan’s body, like all his energy drained out of him at that moment, all at once.
“You want me to take you home?” Dan asked, rubbing soothing circles on Phil’s back. There was still a lot to say, a lot to ask and a lot to understand. But it could wait. Right now, he just needed to worry about Phil. he just needed to take care of him, as much as he’ll let him.
Phil shook his head, pressing closer to Dan. “No, please, just… let me stay here, just tonight. Tomorrow we’ll do whatever you want, we’ll talk about whatever you want, but I can’t go back there right now.”
“Yeah... that’s… okay,” he couldn’t help but think about poor Ezra coming back to the room later to find him and Phil sleeping there in the same bed, the poor guy would probably combust on the spot. But he couldn’t say no to Phil. Not when he was like this, not when he knew how hard it was to be surrounded by all the things that remind you of your loss.
They moved to make themselves comfortable under the covers, not bothering to change clothes or turn off the light. It was probably not later than nine, but Dan could already see Phil’s eyelids dropping as he took off his glasses and put them on the nightstand. Dan felt too full of nervous energy to sleep, but he wanted nothing more than to lay there together, with Phil in his arms, for as long as he wanted him to.
Phil laid his head on Dan’s chest, cuddling close, letting himself be wrapped in Dan’s embrace.
“Hold me tighter,” he mumbled, and Dan couldn’t help but laugh, tightening his hold.
“Better?” he asked, but only got a soft hum in response, and then nothing. Dan lay there quietly, listening to Phil’s breath as he fell asleep. He still felt a little uneasy, a little on edge, but he supposed, for now, this was good enough.
Ezra came back to the room about 40 minutes later, when Dan was just starting to doze off. He opened the door quietly, carefully, his eyes scanning the room and landing on Dan’s bed. He averted his gaze immediately, face flushing bright red, still standing at by the door.
“Sorry,” Dan said, trying not to wake Phil up, feeling genuinely bad for making Ezra uncomfortable. “It’s just for tonight, he had nowhere else to go.” It wasn’t really the truth, but it was easier to put it like that, in hopes that Ezra would understand.
“It’s fine,” Ezra said, moving into the room and not looking at Dan’s direction. Dan wasn’t sure it was really fine, but he had no choice but to take it, hoping he could make it up to him at some point.
“Thank you, really,” Dan said quietly, trying to convey how actually grateful he was. Ezra’s face became an even brighter shade of red, if possible. He moved to lay down on his own bed, over the covers, back facing Dan.
They were silent for a few moments before Ezra spoke again. “Are you guys okay now?” he asked voice a little muffled against his pillow, catching Dan by surprise.
Dan looked down at Phil’s sleeping face, lips parted and a little bit of drool smeared against the corner of his mouth.
“Yeah,” he said, feeling all his different emotions swirling in his head, making him dizzy. “We will be.”
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Sexi-Cuddles-uwu (yes it's one word lizzy)
sexy cuddles
words: 978
summary: Dan comes home from his vacation to a sleepy, naked Phil.
tags: fluff, a tiny bit of non explicit smut
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843306/chapters/49084100
(i hope that’s sexy lol but it sure is cuddles!)
Through his sleepy haze, Phil can vaguely register the bedroom door quietly opening, footsteps coming closer to the bed without turning on the lights.
A small part of his brain tells him he should probably be alarmed, should probably open his eyes and check that this isn’t an intruder, coming to murder him in his sleep. He’s been alone, after all, for the last two weeks, and aside from spending some time with his friends and family, the apartment has been quietly accommodating him and him alone (and Norman, of course, he reminds himself).
He’s not really that afraid of being by himself, he supposes, not like Dan is sometimes. Not in the way that makes Dan call him in the middle of the night, when it gets too much, voice weak and breath shallow and asking for Phil to stay on the line with him, just for a little. No, it’s never been like that for him, but after getting used to another person being next to him for almost a decade, he can’t help but feel a bit on edge when the house is suddenly still.
When he doesn’t hear the sound of quick fingers clicking on an obnoxiously loud keyboard from the other room, or the blended voices of people on a quietly turned on TV, or on days when they go to sleep at the same time, the sounds of another set of lungs, breathing in the same space as him, slowly and deeply.
He’s been forced to deal with this weird, empty atmosphere for the last two weeks, ever since Dan left for a family vacation. And now, after finally starting to get used to it a little, he can’t really blame that small part of his brain that makes his heart rate quicken just for a second, before remembering who is supposed to come back tonight from his trip.
His body is sluggish, too slow to properly respond when he feels the mattress dipping behind him, a warm, large hand pushing the hair out of his face to make room for warm, chapped lips, slowly making their way down from his forehead to his cheek, and then to the corner of his lips.
“You’re back,” he tries to say, but apparently fails miserably because he feels Dan’s lips whisper “what?” against his face, his nose bumping into Phil’s.
He doesn’t try to talk again, instead turning around and weakly grabbling Dan’s sleeve, trying to pull him down, to lie beside him. He hears Dan let out a small, amused breath before complying, sliding his body under the covers.
Phil pushes closer immediately, circling his arms around Dan’s middle, feeling Dan do the same.
He smells like their shower gel and the fabric of his shirt is soft, and Phil wonders how long he’s been in the apartment before Phil even noticed his presence. Long enough to shower and put on his pajamas, at least, Phil concludes.
“You’re naked,” Dan observes, his arms moving up and down Phil’s back, leaving little goosebumps in their wake.
“Oh,” Phil responds, smartly, nuzzling his face into the crook of Dan’s neck. He can feel Dan’s hands moving lower, pausing at his butt cheeks, thumb rubbing the leftover lube he still has smeared there. Phil remembers, now, that he fell asleep like that, almost immediately after coming with his own fingers inside himself and his own hand wrapped around his cock. He barely managed to wipe himself down a little before feeling exhaustion taking over his body, falling asleep with the uncomfortable feeling of stickiness on his back side.
“You don’t usually do that without me,” Dan says, neutrally, thumb getting closer to Phil’s hole, pressing next to it before retracing back to his cheeks.
It’s true, Phil doesn’t do that by himself often, almost never. He’s a simple guy, and he sticks to simple things when all he’s after is relief, instead of mutual intimacy. But still, it felt nice, working himself up like that, by himself, taking his time and exploring with his own hands and fingers, pretending he is young and curious all over again. Made it feel new, somehow, even if it isn't a new feeling at all.
“Did you miss me that much?” Dan teases, when he doesn’t get an actual response from Phil.
“So much,” Phil manages to say, words slurring but still audible against Dan’s skin. He pushes his bare leg up, slotting it between Dan’s to press their bodies closer, his lower half wiggling a little in Dan’s hold, his cock giving a small twitch of interest when it rubs just right against Dan’s thigh in the proses.
It won’t lead to anything. He’s too tired, and even if he could get it up after the (quite frankly) mind blowing orgasm he had earlier, he doesn’t think his other body parts can stay awake long enough to participate in such activity.
Dan doesn’t seem to mind though, not by the way he lets out a content sigh and pulls Phil even closer to him, arms moving up to wrap properly around Phil’s back, lips pressing kisses to his head.
“I wish I was home to see you. Do that, to yourself, I mean,” he says. He sounds a little pouty, and the sudden wave of warmth and affection that washes through Phil’s body makes him wake up a bit, just a little, enough to will himself to lift up his head and press his lips to Dan’s blindly, softly, a bit off to the left but still just as warm.
“Tomorrow,” Phil says, when he settles back down, his nose rubbing Dan’s chin, eyes closed, “if you want.”
“Tomorrow,” Dan confirms, before closing his eyes as well, letting them both be lulled into sleep by the warmth surrounding them and the steady rhythm of each other’s deep breaths.
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I'm sorry, I didn't mean it
Summary: He feels it when Dan’s thumb is wiggling out of his grasp, rubbing the pink skin under his eye relentlessly, making Phil squint.
“Stop that,” Dan says. His voice is commanding but also soft and it only makes Phil cry harder.
______________________
or: the aftermath of a fight
Words:1754
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18709297
thank you to anon who requested this and to @transdimensional-void for being a lovely beta :)
The silence in the apartment rings loudly in Phil’s ears, making him too aware of the faint noises coming in from outside the window, filling the room with strange, impersonal sounds that only make the empty space next to him all the more noticeable.
Loud drunk laughter. Dog barks. Something that is very likely his neighbor moaning in pleasure, followed by a loud banging noise that makes Phil cover his ears with his pillow, groaning in frustration.
At this time, usually, Phil’s ears are filled with different sounds. Nice sounds. Sometimes murmured in the dark before a good night kiss, covering him like a thick warm blanket. Sometimes loud and full of life and teasing and banter on nights when energy runs high and responsibilities run low and he momentarily allows himself to forget his promise of being a proper adult who goes to sleep at a proper time.
Either way, these sounds are always comforting, familiar- and very painfully absent at the moment.
The apartment wasn’t this quiet before, he reminds himself, grimacing into his pillow. Only a few hours ago it was filled with loud, angry words Phil usually knows how to hold back, directed like poisoned arrows towards the person Phil never wants to actually hurt.
They both said some things, he and Dan. Tension had run high for a couple of weeks now, and Phil knows that his tendency to keep to himself and hold back his hurt, quietly trying to work through things until he can’t possibly keep quiet anymore, is pretty high on the list of reasons why tonight has played out the way it did.
He isn’t blind to Dan’s struggles. Isn’t blind to the way Dan is working his hardest to overcome things Phil can probably never really understand to their core, trying to make up the missing puzzle pieces with long hours spent on mental health blogs and calls to his mum, who somehow always understands a little better than him.
And it hurts, sometimes, when it feels like maybe Dan is blind to the way Phil struggles as well, right next to him.
And maybe he’s been spoiled by Dan. Been spoiled by the way Dan can usually pick up on every little facial expression, every little eyebrow crease, every little sign Phil is trying to hide to avoid adding unnecessary stress, to avoid opening up topics he is sure he can avoid by shoving them deep in a drawer in the back of his mind, locking it until they collect dust and lose their importance. Maybe that’s what makes it hurt so much more, when Dan just lets it happen.
Maybe, sometimes, he wants Dan to notice everything Phil is trying to hide. Maybe he wants Dan to confront him before it all piles up inside his head and spills out of his eyes and ears and mouth, lips forming angry words he never wants to say, eyes leaking angry tears he never intends to cry.
He knows that mostly, usually, they are good at stopping before they go too far. Good at taking a time out when things get too heated, too close to spiteful. Phil is good at catching himself, good at remembering that he’s mad now but he’ll regret saying what he feels like spitting out later. He’s good at not crossing the line, mostly, usually. Which makes it that much worse when sometimes, he’s not.
The image of the hurt in Dan’s eyes is still very much burnt into his eyelids, not letting him close his eyes and attempt sleep. Phil’s weak “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” said while watching Dan put on his shoes and coat by the front door, not lifting his eyes to meet Phil’s desperate ones. His retort of “yes, Phil, you did,” before walking out the door, closing it behind him in an alarmingly quiet way, has been playing on repeat in Phil’s mind for the last few hours, making him curl smaller under the covers, shoving his head deeper under his pillow.
He’s not really worried about where Dan is. Dan answered his anxious text of “Where are you? Please come home,” about an hour ago, telling Phil he’s just walking around not far from their building. Telling him he just needs to clear his head. Telling him to go to sleep. Dan learned, long ago, to not leave Phil hanging with things like that. So Phil is not really worried, not about that at least. He knows, that right now, all he can do is wait.
***************
It’s not before 3 AM that Phil finally hears the front door opening and closing quietly, footsteps going to the kitchen, and then the bathroom. Phil doesn’t know if Dan will come sleep next to him. Doesn’t know if Dan’s expression still shows the hurt it showed before, doesn’t know if he’s covering it with a mask of indifference.
A part of him wants to get out of bed to check. To confront. To say that he’s sorry again (but also, he thinks bitterly, to remind Dan that they’re both guilty of stepping out of line. That he’s not the only one who said things that shouldn’t be said. That he is not the only one to blame).
But another part, small but paralyzing, is telling him to stay put. This part is making his legs shake and his breath hitch and his anxiety crawl under his skin because he doesn’t know, and right now he’s afraid to find out.
His heart is beating loudly in his chest until he finally hears the door to the bedroom creak open, feels a big, warm body settle next to him, his back turned to his.
He’s a little afraid to breathe, afraid to move or turn around because he knows Dan knows he’s awake, but he’s still keeping quiet.
It takes him a minute to compose himself enough to squeak out a small unsure “Dan?” and it takes another 20 seconds for Dan to sigh out a quiet “yeah.”
They both turn around then, Phil facing Dan and Dan facing the ceiling, not quite engaging in Phil’s attempt at eye contact, but definitely showing willingness to talk.
Phil doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know how to convey his relief and guilt and hurt in words, doesn’t know if he should. He lets his hand wander, instead, hesitantly, testing the water, reaching it towards Dan’s and wrapping his big long fingers in his own, squeezing.
“Your hand is cold,” Phil says, and when Dan hums in response he’s pulling it toward his face, pressing his hand to his warm lips and cheek.
Dan’s gaze turns to him then, just in time to see his eyes overflow with emotion, spilling new hot tears without his consent, making his cheeks and nose and Dan’s hand wet with them. Dan looks at him for a moment, and Phil is having trouble reading his face without his glasses and with wetness clouding his eyes, but he feels it when Dan’s thumb is wiggling out of his grasp, rubbing the pink skin under his eye relentlessly, making Phil squint.
“Stop that,” Dan says. His voice is commanding but also soft and it only makes Phil cry harder.
“I can’t help it,” he says. It’s true, he can’t. He isn’t lying when he says he is starting to cry more frequently with age, starting to get more emotionally affected by things. (“It’s probably all the hormonal changes,” Dan always says with a smirk, “if you don’t hurry, all your mpreg fantasies will be dead.” It always earns him a pillow to the face and a pouty boyfriend, but it’s nothing a kiss on the forehead and a squeeze around the shoulders can’t usually fix.)
Dan doesn’t say anything more, but he’s turning his entire body towards Phil now, gripping his face more firmly under Phil’s warm hand.
“I didn’t mean it,” Phil says, echoing his words from hours ago. “I was mad, but I didn’t, not really.”
“Phil-” Dan starts, but Phil stops him by shaking his head against his hold, almost violently.
“I didn’t, I didn’t,” he repeats, pulling Dan’s hand from his cheek and pressing it to his lips, voice choked against Dan’s fingers.
“Okay,” Dan says, and Phil knows he isn’t convinced, but it’s okay, it’s better. it’s good enough for now.
“Did you?” he asks, because suddenly it all aches and burns and he’s not the only one who said things, not the only one who needs to apologize and reassure-
“Maybe I did. A little,” Dan says, and it makes Phil’s hold on Dan’s hand loosen right away, makes him let out a shuddered breath, makes him close his eyes so he doesn’t have to try and see the expression on Dan’s face.
There’s two hands on his cheeks, almost immediately, holding tight and pulling him closer until their foreheads touch and Dan’s breath is against Phil’s nose. “Phil,” he says, and he can almost feel the word forming against his skin. “Phil,” he says again, waiting for him to open his eyes.
Phil does, because even though his stomach hurts and his chest is tight he doesn’t want to keep Dan waiting. Not for too long, not at all.
“It’s okay,” Dan says, and this time his lips do touch the skin on the side of Phil’s nose, making his eyes feel heavy again with the weight of salty water threatening to overflow.
“Is it?” Phil asks, and he brings his hands up too, to cover Dan’s, to keep them in place.
Dan kisses him again then, this time on the lips. It’s short and salty and dry but Phil understands.
Dan doesn’t answer him, even if the answer is already there, lingering between them. “I love you,” Dan says instead, when he pulls away. “I love you I love you,” he says again and again, until Phil lets go of his hands, until Phil is pushing himself closer, closer, impossibly close, and wraps his arms around Dan’s body, chest and legs and cheeks pressing together.
“I love you,” Phil says. “So much,” he adds, because it’s true and it makes his heart ache a little less when he lets it out.
Phil understands, he knows, without a doubt. There’s still much to talk about tomorrow, probably more feelings to be hurt and more wounds to bandage. Phil understands, he knows, it might not be entirely okay right now, but it will be. They’ll make sure of it.
#phan#phanfiction#angst#(a little)#hurt/comfort#fights#making up#pls tell me what you think!#:)#phantasticlizzyfics
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creator tag
Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!
thank you @honeywreath for tagging me <3 apparently, i didn’t even post 5 fics this year haha, but here are the ones i did post:
tender - It’s an intoxicating experience, Phil decides. Knowing Dan does that- pets him and touches him so gently when he doesn’t even know Phil is awake. It makes something deep in Phil’s stomach feel warm and fluttery and calm all at the same time.
sexy-cuddles - “You’re naked,” Dan observes, his arms moving up and down Phil’s back, leaving little goosebumps in their wake.
“Oh,” Phil responds, smartly, nuzzling his face into the crook of Dan’s neck.
(Dan comes home from a family vacation and there are sexy cuddles involved )
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it - He feels it when Dan’s thumb is wiggling out of his grasp, rubbing the pink skin under his eye relentlessly, making Phil squint.
“Stop that,” Dan says. His voice is commanding but also soft and it only makes Phil cry harder.
or: the aftermath of a fight
art:
sweet dreams
the wind rises au
i tag:
@cactilads @intoapuddle @psychicmoth @mylionbabe @capriciouscrab @ninnapons
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Tender
words: 661
tags: fluffy fluff fluff
hope you’ll like! :)
_____________________________
Phil has been clinging to his half asleep state for the last 15 minutes before finally deciding to open his eyes.
He has his head on Dan’s thigh, his face against his stomach. He can hear the television still making noises behind him, can recognize the great British bake off reruns immediately, even when his mind is still in a haze. Can probably identify the specific episode if he concentrates enough.
He doesn’t feel like concentrating though. Not right now. Not when Dan is absentmindedly playing with his hair, pushing it back and then scratching a bit behind his ear in a way that always makes his knees a little weak, even when he’s fully awake and functioning (like a dog, Dan always says, but never fails to do it anyways.)
It’s an intoxicating experience, Phil decides. Knowing Dan does that- pets him and touches him so gently when he doesn’t even know Phil is awake. It makes something deep in Phil’s stomach feel warm and fluttery and calm all at the same time.
It’s probably out of habit, Phil knows. Dan most likely doesn’t even notice he’s doing that at this point- his fingers working on autopilot, doing what comes naturally to them.
But somehow, Phil thinks, it makes it even better.
Phil loves routines. He’s a creature of habit, always has been, and there’s nothing better to him than knowing that one of the habits Dan required over the years is loving him like that, so naturally, so effortlessly, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
A lot of things have been changing for both of them lately. Most are good, some are scary. All are things they both agreed on after long and thoughtful discussions, sometimes leaving one or both of them feeling more stressed or uneasy than they intended to. So it’s grounding, reassuring, to know without a doubt that some things will always stay the same.
Like this, Phil thinks. Dan’s big, tender fingers, going through his hair, soothing him even though he still thinks Phil is asleep. Even though he has no need to appease him when he’s not even conscious to appreciate the gesture.
So it takes Phil 15 minutes to finally let go of his half dreaming state, takes him 15 minutes before the warm, fluttery feeling becomes too much for his stomach to contain and it’s seeping into his arms and legs and chest, making it impossible for him to stay still, to not to let it out of his body in some way.
He reaches his arm up blindly then, looking for Dan’s hand and feeling it quickly settle into his own, pulling it towards his lips with a satisfied hum.
“Finally,” he hears Dan say, “My leg fell asleep.”
Phil moves a little towards Dan’s knee, Dan’s hand still pressed to his lips, and Dan stretches his leg out a little to help the blood-flow, but doesn’t push Phil to get up.
“Sorry, you’re just too comfy,” Phil says, and his body is doing a content wiggle, making Dan let out an amused breath.
“That’s all I am to you, aren’t I? A human pillow.” It’s reused banter. Words Dan says almost every time they find themselves in a similar situation. Phil can feel the familiarity of it settle like a warm blanket over his already warm body, making him want to close his eyes again, just for a few more minute. Maybe, Phil thinks, Dan likes the routine of it too, just as much as Phil.
“But what a good one you are,” Phil responds, hoping that Dan finds the same odd sense of comfort in hearing Phil say the same thing for the hundredth time as well. Hoping that Dan also feels warm and calm and content, even if just a little.
And Phil think he does, almost certain he does, because when Dan bends over to kiss his forehead, he can feel his lips stretch into a smile against his skin, and really, that’s all that needs to be said.
#phan#asks#fluff#phanfiction#one word prompts#tender#phantasticlizzyfics#i'm very tired#so this might be crap#but i hope it's not :)
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phantasticlizzy’s 2018 fic masterlist
no one else but you - dan wants to try something new in bed, and Phil is having a bit of a sexuality crisis.
forehead kisses - Dan gives Phil forehead kisses.
it’s just the way you make me feel - ‘There is something about hotel rooms that makes Dan want to fuck.’
I found it hidden in plain sight- Dan and Phil meet baby Pearl
a different kind of birthday present- birthday sex
Times Of Change - the thoughts that led to Phil’s big hair change of 2018
in my arms - it’s the day after phil went to the hospital, and dan just wants to take care of him a little
you’re mess is mine (WIP)- A university!au where Dan is a third year student dealing with demons from his past, and Phil is the peculiar guy from his Greek mythology class who he just can’t quite get out of his mind.
One Hundred Ways To Say I Love You-
Don’t cry.
Go back to sleep
Can I kiss you?
I brought you an umbrella
You’re warm
Can I have this dance?
I saved a piece for you
Stay there. I’m coming to get you
I believe in you
I like your laugh
it’s okay, I couldn’t sleep anyway
one word prompts -
Pouting
Heartbeat
Baby
Tea
small
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In my arms
Summary:
'“Why did you get up so early?” Dan asks, and he knows that his voice sounds a little accusing but he’s still tired and he’s still worried and saying “please don’t ever go anywhere when I’m not right there to follow you,” seems a little too much as a response to a morning shower.'
(it's the day after phil went to the hospital, and dan just wants to take care of him a little)
Words:2756
ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16652137
this fic is for @quercussp ,who deserves all the hurt/comfort fics she desires!
Dan wakes up on Monday morning to an empty bed and a sick feeling in his stomach. The room is uncomfortably warm (Dan remembers Phil feeling slightly chilly the night before, and his own panicked overreaction that made him turn on the heat higher than they usually would, instead of just getting another blanket, despite Phil’s protests).
In his half asleep state, Dan notices that the light coming in from the window is faint, keeping the quiet room dim, almost dark, but as that doesn’t really mean anything at this time of year he picks up his phone from the nightstand and checks the time, squinting against the sudden bright light. 8:30 AM, he reads. Too early to wake up when they haven’t set an alarm to force them out of bed, he thinks. And definitely too early for Phil to be awake and functioning when he’s on bed rest (doctor’s orders, of course, but it’s not like Phil is one to pass on an opportunity to stay in bed and get babied when he’s under the weather, even without an open invitation).
Dan’s uncomfortable sick feeling intensifies for a moment, making him close his eyes and take a deep breath to calm himself down. His mind is showing him horrible pictures from yesterday morning. Pictures of a pale, weak looking Phil lying on the floor and calling for him with a panicked voice. The pictures are, truthfully, a lot more dramatic than the reality actually was at that moment, but he’s allowed, he thinks, to be a little dramatic about this. No one, he reasons with himself, can really blame him for that, he’s sure.
He can feel his body relaxes a bit when he starts hearing the sounds of running water, meaning that Phil is most definitely taking a shower. (He tries to push back the instant, new images that make their way to his mind. Images of the same pale, weak looking Phil, only this time he has a stream of water covering his body while he lies still on the shower floor).
He pushes himself up from bed all at once at that, a bit too fast, making himself dizzy for a second but not wasting time to compose himself, making his way to the bathroom where he hears the water coming from.
He’s fine, he tells himself. He’s okay.
Good enough to get up and go upstairs and start the shower, he keeps reassuring his mind. In addition, before they went to bed, Dan made him swear to wake him up if he feels so much as an uncomfortable tingle on the tip of his nose, so he knows, for sure, that at least for now, Phil is okay.
That doesn’t stop the overwhelming wave of relief from washing through his body when he hears Phil’s voice say, “yes?” after Dan knocks on the door, probably a little too urgently for 8 am.
Dan is only in his boxers, so it doesn’t take him long to get in the room and chuck them off to the side, getting into the shower and under the stream of warm water.
Phil welcomes him silently, by turning his back to his front and leaning into him, pressing his head back into Dan’s shoulder and letting out a sigh.
After 9 years, Dan likes to think that he’s pretty fluent in Phil language. He takes pride in it and gets a strong, possessive kind of satisfaction in knowing that no one can understand that language quite as well as him. He even brags about it from time to time, when he has a glass too many of a nice wine at the Lester house, encouraged by a teasing Martyn and laughed at fondly by the Lester parents, usually while being shushed by a pink looking Phil.
And this, as far as reading Phil goes, is as easy as it gets. It screams ‘hold me tight and don’t let me go until we can’t possibly stand under this stream of water anymore,’ and Dan has no intention to refuse.
He wraps his arms around Phil’s waist, fingers skimming over a soft stomach, head resting on a bony shoulder (gently, careful not to put too much weight on Phil, who suddenly feels more delicate than usual in his arms).
Phil smells like nothing in particular right now. A little of his fruity soap, a little of Dan’s shampoo, but no distinguish smell like he had the day before. No sanitizers and disinfectants and the nauseating, stale smell of a hospital room. He presses his nose to his wet shoulder and just breathes him in, feeling Phil’s long fingers coming up to rest above his, squeezing his hand.
“Why did you get up so early?” Dan asks, and he knows that his voice sounds a little accusing but he’s still tired and he’s still worried and saying “please don’t ever go anywhere when I’m not right there to follow you,” seems a little too much as a response to a morning shower.
“Couldn’t sleep anymore,” Phil says. His eyes are closed and his mouth is slack and he looks just fine, but Dan’s stomach still does a little unpleasant flip inside his body.
“Is it your head again?” Dan asks, and he tries to sound casual, because as much as he worries he knows how easily Phil’s hypochondriac mind gets wound up by his reactions, always has. He learned to control himself, over the years. Sometimes, when Phil needs it, he can be the calm one, the grounding one. Sometimes, when Phil needs it, he can to be whatever Phil wants him to be.
Phil shakes his head against Dan’s shoulder, and he turns his face a little to place a kiss on Dan’s jaw, letting his lips linger. Phil hasn’t shaved yet, so the kiss feels a little scratchy on Dan’s skin. It’s a simple gesture of affection, familiar sensation, but today it makes Dan hold him even tighter against himself. Makes his chest feel even tighter as well.
“It’s my dick,” Phil says, and he moves Dan’s hand down on his body, until he gets to Phil’s semi hard on. He didn’t even notice. “Had another Chris Hemsworth dream, but this one was weird even for me,” he turns around in Dan’s arms, wrapping his own around his shoulders, gliding them down Dan’s wet back and burying his head in the crook of Dan’s neck. He kisses him there softly, starting to push his hips slowly against Dan’s thigh. “Didn’t want to wake you so I thought I’ll take care of it myself.”
He’s still tired, and he’s still poorly, Dan can tell. He’s leaning most of his weight on Dan’s body and his lips against his neck are barely there, lacking energy and enthusiasm.
“You should have woke me up,” Dan reprimands, but he does it softly, kissing the side of Phil’s head right after so that Phil knows it’s okay, it’s fine, he just wants to be with him right now, he just doesn’t want to let him out of his sight.
“Well, you’re here now,” Phil says, and he speeds up his movements a little, pressing closer to Dan’s body.
Dan’s hands are griping Phil’s sides harder, keeping him steady, keeping him from leaning away. Keeping him safe from falling down ever again. “Yes,” he says, kissing Phil’s head again, “I am.”
****************************
It doesn’t take a lot for Phil to agree to lie down on the couch while Dan makes them breakfast. As Dan suspected, Phil is still not in the best shape, and after one shower and one orgasm he doesn’t have much energy to do much else other than finally get the rest he needs.
“What do you want to eat?” Dan asks. He’s leaning over Phil’s blanket covered body, pushing his hair back from his face. They both know he’s checking his temperature, but both are willing to pretend it’s just an affectionate gesture. Usually, Phil can get quite stubborn about that, especially when he says he’s fine, but today neither of them has the energy or the desire to bicker and get annoyed, so Phil lets Dan check, and Dan lets Phil nuzzle into his hand even after he’s done checking.
“Toast?” Phil says, and there’s a small, mischievous smirk at the corner of his mouth, but it makes Dan’s stomach feel funny again nonetheless.
“Don’t joke about that,” he says, moving his hand away.
Phil looks up at him. He looks a little surprised, as if he genuinely thought Dan would find it funny. It makes Dan feel guilty, somehow, because he knows Phil wants the feeling of normalcy right now and he wants to give it to him. But seeing Phil on the floor at 5 AM, feeling lost and not knowing what to do when instead of wanting to go to the hospital Phil started giving him specific food requests, well, that wasn’t a funny reminder to him. At least not yet.
“What, are you the only one allowed to joke about this?” Phil asks, but he doesn’t sound annoyed, he sounds curious and a little worried but mostly he still sounds really, really tired.
Dan leans down, kissing Phil’s forehead and then his lips. Phil’s lips are pliant under his, not kissing back much but just letting himself be kissed, but Dan isn’t surprised when he’s still trying to chase after him when he pulls away and straightens back up, letting out a small noise of protest. Phil really likes to be kissed like that, sometimes, when he needs to feel taken care of.
“I’ll make you pancakes,” Dan says, matter of fact. “American Pancakes,” he adds, watching the way Phil’s eyes sparkle at his words.
Phil sneaks his hand from under the blanket, taking hold of Dan’s and pulling it to his face, pressing his lips one, two, three times right to the center of his palm, fingers rubbing circles against his wrist.
“I love you,” he says. And even thought Dan wants to say something sarcastic about Phil loving him only for his willingness to make pancakes, it just doesn’t feel right at that moment.
“I love you too,” he says instead. “So much,” he adds. Because sometimes, he thinks, it needs to be said.
And judging by the way Phil looks at him after, all soft and warm and happy, sometimes, it needs to be heard as well.
*****************************
Dan’s been trapped sitting on the sofa for the last hour, staring absentmindedly at the great British bake off reruns playing on their TV.
Phil is sleeping on his lap, his face pressed to Dan’s stomach, snoring softly, one hand clenching Dan’s thigh.
He lost all feeling in his left leg at this point, and he stupidly left his laptop in the bedroom, so really, he can’t complain when his phone suddenly starts vibrating in his pocket, making him carefully shift Phil to a pillow so he could get up to get the call (Phil makes a small protest sound, but a simple “shh,” from Dan and a pet on the head is enough to soothe him back to sleep.)
He’s not surprised when he sees who’s calling him.
“Hello?” Dan answers when he’s out if the room, still trying to keep his voice down. Phil is a heavy sleeper, but for some reason it feels more appropriate like this.
“Hello dear,” he hears Kath’s warm voice say, “How are you boys doing today?” she asks.
Dan called Phil’s parents the day before, despite Phil’s protests that they should wait until they actually know what’s wrong. “They are going to see twitter anyway,” Dan reasoned, to which Phil had nothing to say. It’s better to tweet about it, they’ve decided, before someone else beats them to it. ‘Dan and Phil were spotted at the hospital’ sounds much worse coming from someone else’s mouth than it is from theirs.
“We’re okay, better,” Dan says. “He’s sleeping now.”
Dan makes his way to the kitchen, too restless to stay still.
“Did the hospital call?” she asks. She sounds calm now, collected, but yesterday her voice was worried and tight even though Phil reassured her multiple times he was feeling a lot better.
“Not yet. They said it could take up to 3 days until they can do an MRI.” He puts the kettle on without even noticing, takes out two mugs from the cupboard automatically.
“He’s going to be okay,” she says, and he’s not sure who she’s trying to reassure, him or herself. “He’s a strong lad, takes after his mother,” she says, and Dan’s lips stretch into a smile.
“He sure does,” he says, pouring himself a cup of tea, green, no sugar.
“But even so, keep an eye on him, okay?” she says. “I know I don’t need to ask, but a mother never stops worrying about her babies, even when they have someone else to take care of them.”
Dan stops himself then, noticing that he’s about to make Phil’s usual afternoon coffee for him. Milk and two sugars. He wants to laugh. Taking care of Phil has become such a second nature to him, a habit, he’s doing it even when he really doesn’t intend to. And he hopes, selfishly, that he’ll get to keep doing it for a long long time. (He would have said forever, if he was like Phil. But he’s not, so he’ll settle for another 80 years or so, at least).
“Won’t let my eyes off of him for a second,” he says, and suddenly he really wants to end their conversation and make good on his words.
“I know you won’t,” she says, and she sounds warm and fond and Dan has a weird feeling like he should thank her. For trusting him. For letting him take care of her son. For taking care of him so well all those years before Dan was in the picture. For taking care of him for some of the years he already was but wasn’t able to do everything that he wish he could at the time.
He doesn’t say it though. He doesn’t want to get all weird and emotional for no good reason, and besides, he knows that she knows. He knows by the way she welcomes him into her family and by the way she hugs him when they see each other and by the way she calls his number instead of Phil’s from time to time to ask after their wellbeing. She knows how grateful he is. Sometimes, things need to be said. But other times, it’s also okay to leave them implied, he thinks.
They finish their conversation after that, saying their goodbyes, and Dan promises to update her the moment he knows anything.
He ends up not drinking his tea, making his way back to the lounge and finding it empty.
He doesn’t feel quite as panicked as he did in the morning, but the feeling of not knowing where Phil is is still an uncomfortable one, and he doesn’t fully relax until he steps into their bedroom, finding Phil curled under the covers, phone in hand.
Phil turns his head to him for a moment before flopping back down on his pillow, putting his phone aside and taking his glasses off. That’s Phil for ‘come cuddle me now, please,’ Dan knows quite well, and he wastes no time to oblige.
“Who were you talking to?” Phil asks while Dan settles on the bed next to him.
“Your mum,” Dan says, manhandling Phil to his side, back to Dan’s chest, wrapping himself around him.
“Is that a ‘your mum’ joke?” Phil asks, and Dan buries his face in the back of Phil’s neck, letting out a loud laugh.
“No, it was your actual mother, the woman who gave birth to you and had to raise you even though you were a demon child,” he says, and he feels Phil reach behind him to try and give Dan a slap on the thigh, but it feels more like an affectionate pat and it makes Phil’s body press closer to his front, so he’s really not complaining.
“Was she worried?” Phil asks. Phil hates making his mum worry, even more than he hates making Dan worry.
“She was,” he says, kissing the back of Phil’s head. Phil wiggles a bit, wrapping his own arms around Dan’s. “But it’s okay,” he adds, squeezing Phil a little harder. “She knows you’re in good hands.”
Notes:
thank you for reading! i didn't have time to write recently, but i had such a good time writing this! hope you liked it ^.^
please let me know what you thought!! <3
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the only language we speak is love
words so far: 3319
https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843306/chapters/42105164
a collection of all the one word prompts I wrote, enjoy!
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Times Of Change
Summary:
the thoughts that led to Phil's big hair change of 2018
or, alternitavly, Phil finds a few grey hairs in a place he never thought to check before, and has a little crisis about the inevitability of growing old and changing.
Words: 2426
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15736659
Phil was staring at himself in the bathroom mirror for the last 5 minutes, eyes focused in his lower region with a frown.
It was the first time he noticed (though he had to admit, he wasn’t in the habit of searching regularly), that there, between his dark hairs, were a few, barely noticeable, grey streaks.
There was nothing abnormal about it, he tried to tell himself. Nothing that should worry him. He just never noticed before because of the dye on his head, and, well, he never really had a reason to look too closely at his pubic hair.
But now, the image of his body was staring back at him from the foggy mirror, mocking. It was there, screaming right in his face, refusing to be ignored. He was getting older.
*********************************
His mum always recalled fondly the story of how he once cried for two hours straight when he was five, throwing the biggest tantrum after she came back home from the barber with a new haircut. Telling how the moment he saw her his little face turned red and his big eyes turned wet and his sobs were so loud his father ran into the room thinking he got seriously hurt.
“He ordered me to go and change it back!” she exclaimed once, laughing, when he and Dan were visiting his parents’ house and she was retelling the story. “Said I don’t look like his mother anymore!”
Everyone where chuckling at his younger self’s expense, and Phil groaned loudly accordingly (not because he was actually embarrassed, no, but because he knew it wasn’t as fun for them if he didn’t act at least a little bit bothered).
Dan was grinning, his cheeks a little red from the wine they opened earlier that night, his hand resting absentmindedly in Phil’s lap. “Oh, that sounds just like him,” he said, throwing a fond smile in Phil’s direction and earning himself a small push to the shoulder.
“The poor thing, you should have seen his face when I said I can’t actually change it back,” she said, shaking her head, her face soft and reminiscing. She leaned forward, reaching from her seat to pat his hand. “I think that was the moment he realized you can’t turn the clock back.”
*************************************
“Phil? Are you listening?” Dan asked, snapping his finger impatiently in front of his face.
“Yeah, sorry, just zoned out,” he said, refocusing himself on Dan and the pile of files in front of them on the dining table.
They were at it for a few hours now, trying to figure out dates and venues and flights for the tour, and Phil was more than a little unfocused.
He woke up that morning with a throbbing in his head and a tiredness even the third cup of coffee couldn’t fix. He tried putting on his contacts but his eyes were drier than usual, and Dan vetoed the action as soon as he saw the struggle, reminding him that the doctor said he should start having more glasses days.
Dan’s features softened when he caught his eye, studying him carefully. “Do you want to call it a night? I can stay for a bit longer, send a few more emails and then join you,” Dan said, his hand instinctively reaching up to push Phil’s fringe back and touch his forehead, the cool palm feeling nice against his warm skin. “You might actually have a slight fever,” Dan mumbled, drawing his hand away and looking a bit concerned.
Phil shook his head. “I’m fine, lets keep going.” He said, straitening up in his chair, ignoring the disapproving look on Dan’s face.
They both could feel it, he knew they could. The strain that planning this tour put on Phil was bigger than any project they did before. Bigger than Tatinof, or their book. It was hard on him, staying late planning and spending all day rehearsing. Hard on both of them, but somehow Dan still looked fresh after a week of intense schedule while Phil felt like if he let himself lie down now, he might never find the strength to get up again.
And it was silly, he knew it was. There were a million reasons why he was having more trouble this time around. There was the fact that he felt more settled, more ready for the quiet domestic life after experiencing what it was like to travel the world, less eager to leave the comfort of his home for the second time. There was the fact that he remembered how hard it was to be on the road every day, how bad the travel sickness was and how tired they felt almost constantly. There were the changes to his and Dan’s routine- they slept more regular hours now, trying to have a functioning living schedule and therefore feeling the strain when they were messing with their sleep or overworking themselves.
But he knew, that in addition to all that, there was also the simple fact that he was getting older.
It felt stupid, to be this upset about something so natural. He never cared before, not really. And he could never admit this to Dan, or to anyone for that matter, but the sight of the few white streaks on his groin was bothering him in a way he ever thought it would.
He was always bad with change, ever since he was young, he wanted everything to stay the same. Whether it was his mother’s haircut or his parents selling his childhood home, he always struggled with adapting to new things. But for some reason, the amount of obsessing and anxiety this new revelation about his own changes caused him, caught him by surprise, making him dwell on it more than usual.
“Actually, on second thought I think we both did enough for today,” Dan declared, snapping him out of his thoughts, flopping down heavily with his face on the table. “I’m beat, do you want to make some popcorn and watch a movie?” His voice was demanding and a little whiny and Phil couldn’t help but smile, because Dan knew the most useful way to get him to do something was to make him feel like it was all for Dan, and not for himself.
“Okay,” he said, letting his voice grow warmer, reaching to pat Dan’s head on the table. “You go choose the movie and I’ll go make some popcorn.” He got up, but stopped when a hand curled around his, squeezing his fingers. He turned around, locking his eyes with Dan’s, fighting the urge to avert his look from the searching stare.
“Don’t burn it like last time,” Dan said eventually, lightheartedly, bringing Phil’s fingers to his lips, kissing the tips.
Phil let out a breath, tugging his hand free before leaning down to press his lips to Dan’s forehead. “I’ll try my best.”
*************************************
Dan was kissing down his body, lips insistent, pressing down on all the spots he knew, from years of experience, would draw the loudest responses from Phil’s mouth.
It’s been a long day. So long that Phil was having trouble remembering what they did for the most of it (or maybe it was Dan’s thumb, that was rubbing against Phil’s right nipple, that was making him forget for a moment).
Dan’s touch was a blissful distraction from his aching limbs and the everlasting presence of the heavy exhaustion behind his eyes, and it was more than welcome.
Dan was moving down his body slowly, taking more time than usual to get to the point. And its not like Phil particularly minded, usually. He loved romantic touches, loved feeling treasured and appreciated, but they were in this positon for some time now and Phil was starting to get more than a little flustered.
“Dan,” he whined, bucking his hips up and urging him to get on with it already, earning himself a chuckle in return and a kiss to the hip, soft and ticklish.
“Shush,” Dan said, but his fingers were finally, finally, hooking around the material of his pants, tugging down and letting the cool air meet Phil’s heated skin. Phil let out sigh of relief, head resting on the pillow and eyes closed.
Only, Dan didn’t do anything after that. The room was silent while Phil waited for Dan to wrap his fingers, his mouth, anything really, around him, opening his eyes after a few moments when he felt a poke to the base of his cock, making him jump.
“What-“ he started, lifting his head and looking down at Dan, ready to reprimand, finding Dan looking with concentration right at his crotch, a small frown on his face.
And that’s when Phil remembered what he did a couple of days ago after looking at his defendant body for 10 minutes in the mirror, what he did after deciding he didn’t want to look at the evidence anymore.
“You shaved?” Dan asked, confused, bringing his eyes up to look at Phil.
Phil could feel some of the blood rush from his lower region to his face, making him flush bright pink.
“Yes,” he said, fighting the urge to cover himself up.
“Why?” Dan questioned. And for some reason, it made Phil a little angry.
“Do I need a reason for grooming?” he said, and he meant for it to sound like a lighthearted banter, but it wasn’t hard to detect the edge in his voice, and he had no doubt Dan heard it as well.
Dan sat up on his knees, drawing away from Phil’s body, looking a little taken aback. “Are you planning to tell me what’s been going on with you lately any time soon? Or do you want me to keep pretending I haven’t noticed your weird behavior?” Dan asked, and there was a small edge to his voice as well and suddenly all Phil wanted was to put his clothes back on and go to sleep.
He sat up as well, pulling his pants over his hips. He felt embarrassed, for the lack of better word. Embarrassed that Dan was bringing attention to this weird shame of his, embarrassed that he was even feeling ashamed. “Nothing’s been going on,” he insisted, refusing to meet Dan’s eyes.
Dan took a breath, undoubtedly stopping himself from snapping at Phil. he’s been tired too, Phil knows, and the last thing they should do when they are both in this state was have an unnecessary fight.
About pubic hair, no less.
Dan shuffled closer again, putting his hand on Phil’s knee, thumb rubbing against his skin. “I mean, not that I mind a shaved crotch,” he said, trying to muster a smile. Phil had to fight the strong cringing feeling that was telling him to flee the situation. “It’s true what they say, everything does look a lot bigger in comparison,” he tried to tease, to ease the tension, and Phil couldn’t help but roll his eyes in response, lips curving up just a little. Dan looked pleased with himself for that. “But I much rather you did it because you actually wanted to and not because of some weird crisis,” he added, a little more serious, thumb still insistently moving against his knee.
Phil kept quiet for a few moments, caving finally when Dan’s other hand sneaked into his, squeezing his fingers. “It’s silly,” he said, shifting his eyes to look at Dan, because protesting again felt stubborn and unnecessary and really, he didn’t want to give his issue a bigger stage than it deserved.
“Most of your crises are,” Dan said, teasing, but his smile was relived, and Phil hated that he made him worry about something so stupid.
“It’s silly,” he said again, “and I kind of want to work on it on my own, okay?” he was trying to smile at Dan reassuringly, calmly, squeezing his hand back.
Dan didn’t look too convinced, but Phil knew he wouldn’t push. They tried not to push each other, not unless completely necessary. Tried to give each other the space to work their own stuff out if asked for it, tried to respect each other’s boundaries.
And even though it looked like Dan had a few more things he wanted to say, he let out a sigh, letting go of Phil’s hand. “Do you still want that blowjob?” he asked, voice serious, pushing Phil back on the bed when all he could get out was a surprised laugh, kissing his lips and muffling the sound.
*******************************
“I’m going to change my hair,” Phil said on a Saturday morning while they were sitting next to each other on the couch, the tv playing in the background while both of them had their laptops open on their knees, browsing quietly.
They didn’t have rehearsals that day, and they decided they should be able to squeeze one pajamas day every once in a while, for both their sakes.
It was a few days after what Phil liked to call ‘the crotch incident’, even though Dan didn’t bring up the subject even once, letting Phil think about it in his own pace.
“Mhmm,” Dan hummed in approval, not lifting his eyes up from his computer. Truthfully, Phil couldn’t blame him. He was toying with the idea of getting a new haircut for a few months now, going over it again and again with Dan, never actually having the courage to do it.
“I’m serious, I made the appointment, I’m doing it today,” he said, watching the way Dan’s eyes shot up to his, trying to see if he was being genuine.
“Really?” Dan asked in disbelief.
“Yes,” Phil said determinedly, even though he could feel his stomach tightening with nerves.
They’ve been over this a million times before. His irrational fear of changing something that was so iconically his, losing the support of his followers, not liking the way he would look, feeling like he was losing his identity without his fringe.
And still, Phil felt confident about his decision. Mostly.
“That’s… great Phil!” Dan said carefully, eyeing his reaction. “Can I ask why now?”
Phil shrugged, putting his laptop aside and crawling into Dan’s space, resting his head on his shoulder.
“I just… don’t want to be 60 years old, still clinging to who I was in the past, not letting myself grow,” he said, feeling Dan’s hand reaching up to push his hair back, making space for his lips.
He let out a breath, closing his eyes to the touch. “It’s time for a change.”
Notes:
haha so... yeah. i'm not sure what this is but this idea was sitting in my head for some time now, so there you go ^^"
i hope you liked it!! please let me know your thoughts
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a different kind of birthday present
Summary: “Just sit back and relax, birthday boy, I got you,”
(birthday sex, lots and lots of birthday sex)
Words: 3263
tags: smut, fluff, blow jobs, anal sex, riding, bottom phil
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914412
Dan wakes up to the feeling of fingers running through his hair, smoothing his curls backwards from his forehead, scratching his scalp with blunt fingernails. He has a moment when he’s not quite sure where he is, and something in his sleepy mind makes him think he might be at home, lying in his bed under his covers, head resting on his pillow.
He’s not though. It takes a few seconds to register, but he knows this because the sheets smell a little different and the light that hits his face comes from a different angle than he’s used to and the mattress is a little too soft for his liking.
It doesn’t matter though, not really, because the fingers in his hair are the same ones that woke him up countless times before. The same fingers that are attached to the same person he always wakes up next to, no matter where he is. And honestly, it’s really all he needs.
He makes a small noise, half satisfied half protesting, still trying to cling to the idea of sleep, refusing to open his eyes. He can hear a small giggle, high pitched and amused, and he wants to reprimand his heart for the way it flutters in his chest at the sound, pulling him out of his unconscious haze completely.
“What do you want?” he mumbles, eyes still closed but his hand is reaching up, taking a hold of the fingers in his hair and bringing them to his lips, kissing them blindly.
He hears another giggle, and then the rustling of the sheets next to him before he feels a warm breath against his face. “wakey wakey,” Phil says, and Dan doesn’t need to open his eyes to hear the smile in his voice, “It’s your birthday.”
Dan groans, trying to bury his face deeper in his pillow, but he knows Phil can see the treacherous dimple forming on his cheek. “Is that why you woke me up? To remind me I’m another year closer to death? Thanks.”
Phil laughs, pressing his lips to Dan’s nose, and then to his cheek. “Well, that, and also to give you your present.”
Dan opens one eye at that, squinting at Phil. “What present? We said no presents until we get back home, we have nowhere to put it!” he says, but Phil doesn’t look bothered at all.
“Don’t worry, it’s not that kind of present,” Phil says, and the sly smile on his face and the way his hand starts traveling up and down Dan’s arm makes Dan roll his eyes.
“Phil, just say sex. You can literally just say sex,” Dan says, rolling to his back and stretching his limbs, feeling Phil’s gaze follow his actions.
“Where’s the fun in that?” Phil shuffles closer again, resting his hand on Dan’s chest and leaning in to kiss his lips, soft but lingering.
Dan makes a little protesting noise, pulling away from him. “Not fair, you’re all minty fresh and I still have morning breath,” he pouts, watching the way Phil’s eyes crinkle fondly at his words.
“I don’t care, I love your morning breath. The best morning breath ever in the history of morning breaths,” Phil says, leaning down again before Dan has the chance to protest, swallowing the sound of Dan mumbling “liar,” against his lips.
Dan gives in easy enough, kissing back and letting his hands settle on Phil’s cheeks, pulling his face closer. Phil hums in content, breaking the kiss and moving to straddle Dan’s thighs, leaning back down to connect their lips when he settles.
Truth is, Dan loves birthday sex. Really, he loves all the sex they have, but there is something fun and special about being showered in attention, about letting your partner show you how much they love and appreciate you, about being able to relax and let someone take care of you.
“I’m going to make you feel so good babe,” Phil says against Dan’s lips, and his hand is teasingly making its way between their bodies, getting close but never actually reaching the place Dan wants it to reach.
He bucks his hips up against Phil, chasing some kind of friction. His cock is still mostly soft but the stimulation feels good and makes him want more, so he hums a little in acknowledgment, throwing his head back on the pillow in a silent request to get on with it.
Phil presses his lips to Dan’s neck then, like Dan knew he would, but the pressure is soft, too soft, and Dan whines in frustration.
“Sorry, we have a show today, I’m sorry,” Phil mumbles against Dan’s ear, biting his earlobe, trying to appease him.
“Remind me why we thought it was a good idea?” Dan says, but he moves his hands to Phil’s hair, tugs on it a little in a silent ‘it’s okay, don’t worry about it.’
Phil doesn’t answer, but he moves down Dan’s body then, kissing his shirtless chest, taking one of Dan’s nipples in his mouth and sucks hard.
Dan’s nipples are not as sensitive as Phil’s, not as sensitive as his neck either, but it still feels really damn good and his chest arches into the touch, hands holding Phil’s head in place. But all too soon Phil is letting go, keeps kissing his way down to Dan’s stomach.
Dan knows Phil would have liked to take his time with him, to kiss every part of his body and make Dan fall apart under his touch. But truthfully, they just don’t have time right now. They have a venue they need to get to and a show they need to perform, and they definitely can’t do it smelling like sex, so a shower is on their schedule as well. And maybe they’ll have round two that night, but experience taught him there’s a big chance they’ll be too exhausted and all they’ll want is to crawl under the covers and sleep.
But this is good, Dan thinks, this is more than good, because Phil’s mouth is leaving open mouth kisses on his lower stomach, and Dan’s cock is mostly hard already, anticipating what is about to come.
“Can you lean against the headboard please? I want you to see me,” Phil asks, and Dan can feel a flash of warmth go through his body. He does as he’s told, scooting back and sitting with his back against the headboard.
Phil settles on his front between Dan’s legs, the sight making Dan’s cock twitch in excitement. He can see Phil’s entire body like this, long and pale and familiar in the best way. He can see the swell of Phil’s round ass, the way it sticks out after the dip of his spine deliciously, covered with the thin material of his pants. He wants to reach out and touch but his hands are not long enough (funnily enough) so he settles for looking, admiring.
Phil kisses his thighs a few times then, fingers dipping under his boxers teasingly, before lifting his head and looking up at Dan with his blue blue eyes. “I want to blow you, but I also want to ride you after, yeah? So stop me if you’re getting too close,” he says, and Dan’s cock twitches again at the thought.
He barely has time to nod before Phil takes his cock out of his pants, taking his tip into his mouth and dipping his tongue into the foreskin in a way that makes Dan’s dick harden all the way in Phil’s mouth. Phil hums in appreciation, sucking enthusiastically and making Dan moan quietly at the vibration.
He lifts up his hips a little, helping Phil take his boxers off all the way down to his knees and then he wiggles out of them clumsily, with Phil’s mouth still attached to him, feeling the vibration of Phil’s laughter sending waves of pleasure from his crotch to the tips of his toes.
He puts both his hands on Phil’s head, tangles his fingers in his hair. Years back Phil told him that his favorite part about giving a blowjob is having his hair played with, so Dan made sure to always have his hands in Phil’s hair ever since.
Phil takes his time sinking down on Dan’s cock, taking him in little by little. Dan doesn’t rush him, no matter how much he wants to thrust up and fuck his mouth. Phil has a pretty strong gag reflex, always had, and it takes him longer than it takes Dan to adjust to the intrusion to his mouth. But Dan doesn’t mind, Phil tries his best and he always gets there in the end.
“Feels good,” Dan says with a sigh, letting one hand drop from Phil’s hair to trace his face instead, making him lift up his eyes and look up at Dan. The sight of Phil’s pink, concentrated face, teary eyes and lips stretched around Dan’s cock makes Dan moan loudly, hips giving a little involuntary jerk. “Sorry,” he mumbles when Phil makes a small gagging noise, “you look so good like that, shit.”
Phil pulls up a little, sucks on his tip again, eyes fixated on Dan in a way that is so hot Dan thinks he should look away, so as not to get too excited too soon. Phil lets his hands wonder on Dan’s body, pressing on his lower stomach and then moving to his thighs, scratching them a little and making Dan shiver.
He moves one of his hands down then, bellow his cock, tugging on Dan’s balls and pressing his thumb on the smooth skin behind them, just shy of too much, making Dan squirm. “Fuck, Phil,” he moans, voice breathy and already far too gone.
Phil sinks lower then, all at once, one hand on Dan’s hip to stop him from thrusting up and one hand still behind his balls, gagging a little but composing himself quickly, sucking hard and licking the underside of Dan’s cock as best as he can.
“I hope you know that if you keep going like that I won’t be able to last very long,” Dan says, or at least that’s what he’s trying to say, but his words are breathy and barely audible and the sentence is cut off by a wave of pleasure that makes him moan loudly.
Phil gets is though, and he bobs his head a few more times before pulling off, grabbing Dan’s dick at the base and squeezing. “I can keep doing this? If you want,” Phil says, and his voice is hoarse and wrecked and it makes something deep and primal in Dan’s chest satisfied.
He traces Phil’s lips with his fingers, they’re covered in spit and a little bit swollen, and no matter how many times he’s seen them like that, it’s still a pretty sight.
He wants so much. He wants Phil to finish him with his mouth, and then for them to do everything else. He wants to spend his entire day in bed with Phil, let him touch him and make him feel good in every way imaginable. But they can’t have that, not this year, not today, and he has to make the most out of the little time they do have. “No,” he says, tugging on Phil’s bottom lip, pushing the tip of his thumb into his mouth and watching, mesmerized, how Phil wraps his mouth around it and sucks gently, instinctively. “I want the other thing, I want you to ride me.”
Phil let’s go of his finger then, smiling, and sits up on his knees, leaning in to kiss Dan’s lips. “Just sit back and relax, birthday boy, I got you,” he says once he pulls away.
He stands up and wiggles out of his own pants, leaving Dan with the lovely sight of his pale thighs and hard, pink cock. Dan reaches out when Phil gets closer, putting one hand on his waist and one hand on his crotch.
But Phil is having none of it, and he grabs Dan’s hand, moving it away from his cock and up to his lips. “You don’t get to do any work today, you only get to enjoy,” he says, before climbing back into bed and settling on Dan’s lap.
“I enjoy touching you,” Dan says, and to emphasize his point he wraps his arms around Phil’s waist, moving his hands down to the swell of his ass and glides them from his cheeks to his legs, caressing the sweaty, sensitive skin on the back of Phil’s knees, moving up to his thighs.
Phil blushes a little at Dan’s words, but smiles nonetheless, leaning in to kiss Dan’s forehead, and then cheeks and finally lips. “I know you do,” he mumbles against Dan’s mouth. He reaches for the bedside table then, grabbing the small bottle of lube on it (it wasn’t there last night, Dan notes to himself, Phil must have put it there to be prepared).
“I fingered myself in the shower earlier, so we wouldn’t have to do it now,” Phil says, and the bluntness of his words and the image they put in his mind makes Dan’s cock ache, and he moves his hand to press down on it, ease some of the tension. “Fuck, Phil,” he says articulately, making Phil giggle.
Dan loves fingering Phil, it’s one of his favorite things to do. Loves the way he knows exactly what pace to go in and where he should press harder. But there is something so incredibly hot about the thought of Phil, waking up early in the morning and fingering himself open not to get himself off, but just for Dan, just so he could take Dan’s cock later.
Phil opens the bottle, drizzling the content onto his hands and rubbing them to warm it up a little before covering Dan’s dick, thumbing the head, just because.
But instead of moving closer on Dan’s lap like Dan expected him to do, Phil straightens up on his knees and turns around, back facing Dan, straddling his thighs again. Dan makes a little noise of surprise but then Phil reaches behind him, taking hold of Dan’s cock and lines it with his hole.
Dan knows Phil doesn’t really like to be taken from behind. He likes to see Dan’s face, says it’s easier for him to be relax and open when he can look at Dan’s eyes and kiss his lips. But he knows Dan loves it, knows Dan loves to look at his round ass and see his cock getting in and out of Phil’s hole, loves to see the way Phil’s body arches into the feeling.
And it is so hot, so hot like this Dan thinks he might be close already when Phil is just starting to push him in. Phil is tight, so tight and warm and it never fails to amaze Dan how good it feels to slide himself inside of him, to feel Phil’s walls swallow him.
By the time he’s all the way inside of Phil Dan is moaning, loudly, stopping himself from getting up to his knees and thrusting hard into Phil.
He doesn’t need to though, because Phil takes less time than usual to adjust and then he’s fucking himself backwards on Dan’s cock, hands leaning on Dan’s thighs to keep himself from falling.
Phil moans too, and he moves his hips in a purposeful way, taking Dan as deep as he can and moves in little circular motions, grinding his ass hard on Dan’s cock. Dan is hot all over, and he doesn’t even notice the way his hands move to grip Phil’s sides, to help guide him.
“Sit a little straighter,” Phil demands, and Dan does as he’s told, straitening up from his slouched position against the headboard. Phil reaches behind him then, taking a hold of Dan’s arms and pulling them to his chest, sitting up himself and pressing his back to Dan’s front completely.
The change in position means that Phil’s movements are more restricted, but Dan’s cock slides deeper inside of him than it did before, and they both moan at the feeling.
And it’s so erotic, Dan can hardly breathe. Their sweaty bodies pressed together like that, and he can feel Phil bouncing up and down on his cock, can feel the friction of Phil’s spread thighs against his own when they’re moving, can hear all the sounds Phil makes, can feel the way Phil clings to his thigh for leverage.
Dan’s hands are on Phil’s chest, and he moves one of them to his right nipple, pinching it between his thumb and finger. The sound Phil makes is borderline pornographic, and Dan can feel the familiar tight feeling in his stomach.
“God Phil, I’m close,” he lets out, doing everything that he can to hold off his release.
But then, Phil takes hold of one of Dan’s hands and moves it up from his chest, right to his throat. Dan can feel his own heart beating hard while Phil makes Dan wrap his large fingers around his neck, holding them there, not hard enough to choke him but hard enough that Dan can feel Phil’s rapid pulse under his fingertips.
And just like that, Dan is gone. He’s so gone he can feel his orgasm rips through his entire body in waves, spreading from his stomach to the tip of his toes, spilling inside of Phil’s tight heat, and just when he thinks he’s done he can feel it intensify again.
He can barely register the way Phil turns his head to kiss his jaw, can barely hear the words of encouragement Phil whispers to him above the sounds of his own moans and the blood rushing in his ears.
It feels like forever before he comes down. His chest is heaving hard and his body feels like jello and he can only somewhat concentrate on the way Phil is rubbing his thighs, trying to soothe him.
He collapses backwards then, back hitting the headboard and arms still wrapped around Phil, pulling him down with him.
The position is awkward and a little uncomfortable and he couldn’t care less, but is seems like Phil cares because he lifts up his butt to let Dan’s cock slide out of him, and spreads Dan’s legs so he could settle between them.
Dan wills his hand to move then, reaching down to Phil’s cock, but he finds it already half soft with a wet patch above it. “Oh,” he says, because he still can’t muster anything more coherent.
Phil laughs, turning his face and kissing Dan’s cheek. “Did you really think I wouldn’t come from this? God Dan you should have heard yourself,” Phil says, and Dan can’t even pretend to be embarrassed.
He brings his hands to his face, rubbing it in an effort to pull himself together before looking at Phil again. “Jesus Phil, that was… a lot.” He manages to say, earning himself another laugh from Phil.
“So, a good birthday present?” Phil asks, and Dan feels like he might be floating, like he’s weightless and he’s floating with Phil still in his arms.
He lets out a laugh, a little hysterical, and he pulls Phil impossibly close against his chest, so close Phil squeaks that he can’t breathe. “Best birthday present, I might ask for nothing else for the rest of my life.” He says, kissing Phil’s cheek, feeling it heating up under his lips.
Phil giggles, squeezing Dan’s thighs again, “that can be arranged.”
Notes:
so....yeah.... hahaha hope you liked it!! i feel like i need a shower after this lol
please leave a comment telling me what you think
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Your Mess Is Mine
Summary: “I know what you’re thinking,” he said with a serious tone, catching Dan off guard.
“Do you?” honestly, it wasn’t that hard to guess.
“Yes. You’re thinking that this hat totally clashes with everything else I’m wearing, and you’re not wrong.” He was looking at Dan with round, shiny eyes. Dan blinked at him a few times, dumbstruck.
———————————
A university!au where Dan is a third year student dealing with demons from his past, and Phil is the peculiar guy from his Greek mythology class who he just can’t quite get out of his mind.
warnings: mention of suicide (not discussed in detail), Minor Character Death
warnings for this chapter: hospitals, food
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12640926/chapters/28805019
also check out the amazing art @ninapons made for this fic!! hereand here
chapter 14
words for this chapter : 5629
read last chapter here
start at the beginning
The next morning Dan woke up with a mouth full of black hair and a heavy weight settled entirely on his chest. The room was uncomfortably bright, his body numb and his mind still hazy, but even in his half aware state he still couldn’t stop the smile that stretched on his lips.
He could feel Phil’s chest rising and falling against his side, his skin bare and cool, curled entirely into Dan’s body, trying to soak as much heat as he could.
He looked down to watch his face, noting the way his lips were a little parted and few drops of drool were settled on the corner of his mouth, threatening to reach Dan’s collarbone with every huff of breath.
Dan felt ridiculous. How could drool look so endearing to him? He let out a muffled chuckle, trying not to wake up Phil. for a lack of better word, he felt… giddy.
Last night after they were done, they took a shower together. They scrubbed each other’s bodies, soft smiles pressing to wet shoulders and hands and lips, keeping it innocent and sweet.
“I want to take a shower with you,” Phil said when he was still half sitting half lying on Dan’s lap, his arms moving lazily up and down Dan’s back. “But I want it to only be a shower tonight… I just want to be close to you right now, is that okay?” Dan was quick to agree, craving the closeness as well.
To Dan, it was a whole other level of intimate. Washing each other, looking at each other’s bodies with no lust or desire to mask the flaws, the imperfections that still somehow felt perfect at that moment, because they were parts of the other.
He blushed a little at the memory of washing Phil’s hair, the way Phil closed his eyes and leaned into his hands, making small noises of pleasure. Somehow, it felt just as intimate as what they did earlier that night, if not more. Seeing Phil so relaxed and exposed in front of him felt like something to be treasured.
He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sudden movement against him and the sound of a quiet groan, letting him know that Phil was waking up as well.
“mhmm,” Phil hummed, stretching his arms and almost hitting Dan in the face before settling back down, turning his head to blink up at Dan. “Good morning,” Phil mumbled, reaching to touch Dan’s cheek with a clumsy hand, smiling sleepily.
“Good morning,” Dan said back, leaning down to kiss Phil’s lips, keeping it short and sweet, making Phil whine in protest and chase his lips when he pulled away.
“Kiss me more,” Phil demanded, his eyes looking unfocused without his glasses but he still managed to pout right at Dan.
Dan chuckled, leaning down to quickly peck Phil’s lips again. “I have morning breath,” he said, feeling himself flush a little.
Phil scrunched his nose. “So do I, I don’t care,” he said, pushing Dan back on his pillow and rolling himself on top of him with one smooth motion, legs straddling Dan’s thighs. “It’s not gross if we’re both gross,” he declared.
Dan couldn’t help the grin that spread on his face, making Phil reach down to poke his dimple, thumb lingering.
“Is this like, a law?” Dan asked, hands settling on Phil’s bare hips, right above the waistband of his pants, marveling the soft skin under his fingertips.
“It’s a house rule.” Phil said, moving his hand from Dan’s cheek down to his collarbone, tracing it with his fingers. “When you’re staying in this house you have to share nasty morning breath kisses with me. It’s just the way it is,” he exclaimed.
“Well, I definitely don’t want to be a rude guest so …” Dan moved his hands to Phil’s shoulders, pulling him down to meet his lips. Phil kissed back eagerly, humming contently into the kiss, tongue pushing against Dan’s lips.
Phil was right, Dan thought, it didn’t feel gross at all.
***********************************
Martyn and Cornelia were back half way through Dan and Phil’s make out session, with Martyn declaring their arrival very loudly, banging on Phil’s bedroom door (That, to Dan’s relief, was closed) and ordering them to put on some clothes and come join them for breakfast.
Phil giggled, though his cheeks were flushed bright pink and his tone a little high pitched, rolling over from Dan and getting up, telling him he was going to get ready in the bathroom.
After they both got dressed quickly, they joined Martyn and Cornelia in the kitchen, getting a cheery ‘good morning’ from Cornelia and a sly smirk from Martyn.
“How was your night boys?” He said, obnoxiously wiggling his eyebrows and earning himself a punch in the arm from Cornelia.
“It was really nice, and yours?” Phil said, ignoring the implication of Martyn’s words.
They ate breakfast while telling each other about their night (though, Dan noticed, it was mostly Martyn and Phil talking animatedly while Dan and Cornelia listen with fond expressions on their faces), and Dan found himself, once again, feeling completely at ease in the company of these people, who were only in his life for the last few weeks.
The Lester boys were both undoubtedly charming and endearing (even if a little strange), each in his own way, and Dan couldn’t help the warm feeling spreading in his chest, making him hope that maybe, if he’s lucky, he would get to be a part of this small, slightly broken family, for a long long time. As long as they’ll have him.
(Forever, if possible.)
***********************************
“I need to go to the hospital today,” Phil said once Dan opened the door, stepping back into Phil’s bedroom.
After breakfast, Dan excused himself to go take a quick shower, getting ready for the day and straightening his “hobbit hair” (a nickname given to him courtesy of his younger brother) in front of the bathroom mirror. (Last night, after showering and letting his hair dry as it is, Phil spent another 20 minutes before going to sleep cooing and playing with Dan’s curls, so Dan really couldn’t complain much.)
“Oh. Okay,” Dan said, not sure how to respond.
Phil looked sheepish. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at his lap, sparing Dan a few quick glances. “I’m sorry, I know we said we’d spend the day together but the hospital called while you were showering.” Phil said, and Dan hated how actually apologetic he sounded about something he couldn’t control. “He’s really bad today. He’s not willing to eat anything and he’s not letting the nurses change him or give him medication. I have to go help,” Phil explained, and Dan felt his heart ache in his chest.
He moved forward, taking a sit next to Phil and taking his hand in his own, squeezing tightly, hoping his touch could do something to soothe Phil’s worries. There was something he wanted to ask Phil for a few days now, ever since their talk. And even though he hated pushing, believed he should give Phil space to decide what he wanted to do, there was a strong feeling in is guts telling him that if he wouldn’t ask now, he might not get another chance.
“Phil… do you think that it might be okay if I joined you today? To the hospital, I mean,” he asked, watching Phil’s face carefully.
Phil lifted his eyes, looking at Dan with surprise and something similar to bitterness (Dan wasn’t sure though, as the expression wasn’t familiar to him on Phil’s face). “I don’t think you really want that,” he said, and Dan had to stop himself from snapping at that. Phil couldn’t decide for him what he wanted. “It’s not… easy, or nice. There’s really not much of his mind left to actually talk to, or get to know, or… I don’t know. I don’t know what you think you’ll get from meeting him but you probably won’t get it.”
Phil’s tone was almost indifferent, dismissive, but Dan could tell how hard it was for him to say, to accept everything that was going on. And he really, really didn’t want to let Phil handle it all by himself. Not anymore.
“I’m not trying to get anything, I just want to go with you, be there with you. You can say no if you don’t want me there, but I’m not expecting anything from meeting him,” Dan tried to keep his voice calm, soft, not wanting to push Phil. because Phil wasn’t completely wrong, even though Dan wouldn’t tell him that. He did want to meet Phil’s dad, before it was too late. Did want to meet the person who raised Phil, even though he knew he probably won’t achieve anything by meeting him.
Phil looked unsure for a moment, searching Dan’s face for an answer. “If you really want to,” he finally said, shrugging, but his lips curved up a little, making Dan smile back.
“I do,” he said, squeezing Phil’s hand again.
“But you can tell me if you want to leave early, okay? I wouldn’t mind, really.”
“Okay.”
“I won’t have much time to pay you attention, I’ll have things I’ll need to do, so it might get boring.”
“I don’t mind.”
“Maybe bring your laptop? You could study a bit, at least then the day won’t be a complete waste.”
“Okay.”
Phil looked at him again, studying his face with an expression Dan wasn’t able to read before leaning in to kiss him softly on the lips, pulling away before Dan had a chance to respond and burying his face in Dan’s neck, rubbing his cheek against Dan’s collar.
“Give me a few minutes to get ready, and then we can go,” he said, not lifting his face from Dan’s neck, his cold nose making Dan shiver.
“Okay.”
************************************
The hospital had a distinct smell to it that Dan recognized as sanitizer and something a little stale. The walls were white and bare and even though it was January it felt like they didn’t turn on the heat.
Phil was walking ahead of him, leading the way with confidence only someone who’s been in a place many times before could possess.
Dan hasn’t been in hospitals many times in his life. He didn’t really think about it before, but now, being there, the realization that he didn’t really know what to expect hit him all of a sudden.
He felt out of place, like he wasn’t supposed to be there, disturbing people and intruding their personal bubble, seeing them when they didn’t want to be seen. He tried to shake the feeling off, focusing on Phil’s back, walking closer to him.
Phil’s father was located in the oncology ward, and Dan watched silently as Phil greeted the nurses good morning, smiling at them and exchanging pleasantries. Dan tried not to stare at the patients walking up and down the corridor, looking pointedly at Phil’s face, at the way his lips were curved in a smile while saying something to a young looking woman in blue uniforms.
“My dad is over there,” Phil said to Dan, pulling him out of his thoughts, pointing at one of the rooms in the far end of the white corridor. “Do you want to go in with me?” he asked, sounding a little unsure.
Dan swallowed, mustering a reassuring smile. “Yeah, of course.”
The room was small but privet. Phil explained that his father requested a privet room when he was first admitted, and even though he wasn’t coherent enough at this point to really care, Martyn and Phil continued to pay for the privet room, wanting to respect their father’s wishes.
The walls in the room were white as well, and there was nothing but a tall nightstand next to a hospital bed, a small sink in the corner and a few beeping machines.
Dan almost missed the figure on the bed, noticing the pale, hollow cheeks peeking out from under the blanket only after Phil approached the bed, putting his hand on the person’s forehead.
Phil’s dad appeared very small on the large bed, his blue eyes dull and lifeless and his lips thin and chapped. He didn’t look very alive, Dan thought with a shudder, following behind Phil, keeping a safe distance. From a closer look, he could see the way the blankets were moving up and down slowly with the man’s breathing, and the way his blue eyes blinked up at the ceiling before turning a little to the side to look at Phil.
“Hey dad,” Phil said with a smile, moving his hand and replacing it with his lips, lingering. “You’re feeling a little warm,” he added after pulling away, adjusting his father’s blanket a little so that more of his face would be visible. The man blinked up at him, not showing any reaction. Dan felt a little bit sick.
“I heard you’re causing nurse Janice troubles again?” Phil said, chuckling a little. Again, there was no reaction, but Dan could swear those small eyes were fallowing Phil’s movements carefully. “You shouldn’t do that. I know she’s not the most… pleasant woman, but she’s just doing her job.”
Dan had no idea how this man could cause anyone troubles, as it didn’t look like he could protest or even register what was going on around him very well. But he kept quiet, watching the interaction carefully.
The man blinked up at Phil again, looking almost bored with the conversation, before his eyes moved, and to Dan’s surprise, landed on him. He had to fight the instinct to take a step back, away from the hollow stare, mustering all his will power to stay put. Phil followed the look, looking a little surprised himself but sending Dan a reassuring smile. “Oh! Dad, this is Dan, he’s going to spend some time with us today, is that okay?”
The man didn’t give an answer, but he moved his eyes away from Dan, turning his gaze to the other side, looking almost stubborn. Dan let out a breath.
Phil giggled. “Oh, don’t be like that! Dan is really nice, I promise.” Phil turned around, looking at Dan with an apologetic smile before turning back to his dad. Phil moved his hand to the thin hair on the top of his father’s head, trying to appease him with gentle motions. To Dan’s surprise, the man closed his eyes to the touch. “I have to go and speak with the doctor real quick, okay?” Phil asked, not stopping the movement of his hand. “I promise it won’t take long.”
The man had no visible reaction to his words, not opening his eyes even, so Phil stepped away from the bed with a gentle squeeze of his shoulder, getting back to Dan’s side.
“You can wait outside until I’m back if you’re uncomfortable here by yourself… or you can stay, whatever you want,” Phil said, and Dan wanted to tell him to stop worrying about him, stop focusing on Dan’s comfort when the idea of this was for Phil not to be alone, for someone to be there with him to help. Dan started to understand how naïve he was to think he could be of any use in this situation. Still, he was determined to try.
“It’s okay, I’ll wait here, keep your dad some company,” Dan said, his fingers moving to brush against the back of Phil’s hand, trying to convey that it was okay, that he didn’t need to worry about Dan at the moment.
Phil looked like he was about to say something, but ended up just smiling and nodding, turning his palm to let his fingers briefly squeeze Dan’s before exiting the room, leaving Dan alone with his father.
Dan looked over to the bed, taking a big breath before stepping closer and sitting on the uncomfortable chair next to it, feeling his palms sweating. Phil’s dad didn’t acknowledge his presence next to him, and it almost looked like he might have fallen asleep if not for the way his eyes opened when Phil left the room.
“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Lester,” Dan said, trying to keep his voice steady. He didn’t know how he was supposed to act, what he was supposed to do. Phil seemed to talk to his dad as if he could understand, as if he could respond, so Dan thought he should probably do the same.
“Phil told me you’re a big fan of Florida.” He said, and maybe it was his imagination, but it looked like the man was paying attention to his words. “I myself never been, but I have a distant aunt who moved there when I was young, and she always tells us she likes England better when she comes to visit, so maybe I haven’t missed much.”
The beeping sound of the machine was somehow comforting, Dan though, providing some kind of background noise to make up for the silent presence of the weak man next to him. He fiddled with his fingers, trying to wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans. “Your home is very nice by the way.” He tried again, racking his brain for a subject to talk about. “You would be happy to know that Martyn and Phil keep it clean and organized.” He said, trying to smile even though the man wasn’t looking at his direction. “Well, maybe not Phil’s bedroom, but everything else,” he added with a chuckle.
The man’s stare moved to the side then, looking behind Dan’s shoulder pointedly, his stare hollow but still focused at the same time. Dan followed the gaze, his eyes landing on the nightstand, noticing the apple laying on top. He reached for the apple, taking it in his hand and turning back to the man in the bed.
“Oh, do you want to eat this?” he asked, as if the man could actually answer. The small blue eyes focused on him again, and Dan thought it was as close to a yes as he would get.
“Wait, I’ll look for a knife,” Dan said, opening the drawers in the night stand, hoping to find what he was looking for. He ended up finding a kitchen knife in the second drawer (Phil or Martyn probably brought it with them at some point for moments like these, Dan assumed), taking it out and smiling at the man with victory. “Bingo,” he said.
“I should probably wash this,” Dan added as an afterthought, getting up and walking to the small sink in the corner of the room. It felt weird, narrating his actions, but it was better than the silence. Dan wondered, while washing the knife and the apple, if Phil’s father had anything to do with Phil being so uncomfortable when there was a lull in conversation, had anything to do with his need to fill every moment with aimless chatter. Probably, he concluded, but he didn’t dwell on it, focusing on the task at hand, getting back to his sit and starting to cut the apple into thin slices.
“Here,” he said, bringing a slice close to Mr. Lester’s mouth, feeling a little mortified when the man only looked at him in response, not opening his mouth. Was this how he was supposed to do that? Dan wondered. He had no idea, no clue how to take care of this person.
He swallowed his nerves, letting his hand drop. “Oh, you don’t want that? My bad,” he chuckled awkwardly. “It’s okay, I’ll eat it then,” he said, and even though he had no desire to, brought the slice to his own mouth.
Mr. Lester was watching him as he chewed and swallowed, looking almost concentrated. “It’s a really good apple,” Dan said once he was done, feeling absolutely ridiculous about the whole thing. “Not too sweet. I don’t like when apples are too sweet,” he took another bite.
For a few minutes they continued like that, Dan slowly eating the apple and commenting on its taste, and Phil’s father looking at him, focused on his actions.
Then, suddenly, the man opened his mouth and let out a noise. Dan was so caught off guard that he almost dropped the apple from his hands, his eyes widening. “Sorry?” he asked, feeling dumb. He debated pushing the emergency button, assuming maybe the man was in pain.
But Mr. Lester didn’t look any different than before, and when he opened his mouth again, Dan could have sworn the sounds coming out if his mouth were supposed to be words. Finally, Dan understood what he wanted when a skinny arm made its way from under the blanket, reaching towards the apple before falling back down.
“Oh!” Dan exclaimed, trying to mask his immense surprise at the sudden communication. “You changed your mind? Okay then, here you go,” he said, trying to stop his hand from shaking when he took another apple slice and brought it to the man’s mouth. This time, he opened his mouth wide, accepting the food almost eagerly.
“It’s good, isn’t it?” Dan said quietly. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he wasn’t surprised when he got no response.
Dan stayed quiet for a few minutes after that, feeding the man slowly, trying to decide how to approach the next thing he wanted to say.
“Actually, Mr. Lester, one of the reasons I came here today was to tell you something,” he said eventually. The apple was still only half eaten, and the man was still chewing slowly, but he looked at Dan expectantly (or at least, that was what Dan wanted to assume the look was).
Dan took a big breath, his eyes focused on the apple in his hand. “I wanted to say… I wanted to say thank you, for raising such great people like Phil and Martyn,” he said, raising his head to look at the man directly, trying to read his small, dull eyes. When he couldn’t recognize any emotions in them, he decided to keep going. Mostly for himself, but maybe, he thought, for the person in from if him too. Dan knew, from Phil’s stories, that he wasn’t always the perfect father. But still, he managed to raise two of the most amazing people Dan had ever met, and that wasn’t a given in Dan’s eyes.
“I hope I’m not stepping out of line, but I wanted to say that… You don’t need to worry about them.” He continued, keeping the eye contact. “They care about each other a lot, everyone who interacts with them can see it. They will always support each other, no matter what. I don’t know them long, but I know this for sure.” He fidgeted with the apple, trying not to lose his courage.
“And also, I know you don’t know me, I’m a complete stranger to you, but I wanted to tell you… I wanted to tell you that I care about Phil a lot. More than a lot.” He said, feeling his palms starting to sweat again. “I’m a pretty useless person. I’m not really good at anything and to be completely honest with you, I don’t have any big life goals, never had them.” He chuckled humorlessly. Mr. Lester had no expression on his face, so Dan kept going, determined to get everything he wanted to say out.
“But… I want to make Phil happy. I want to make sure he’s taken care of and happy and safe. That’s… a goal, kind of, for me right now.” He smiled a little, feeling his heart beating hard on his chest at his own words. He meant them, he knew he meant them, but saying them out loud felt so much more serious, so much more nerve-racking than thinking them in his head was, and he had to take another big breath to compose himself. “Phil… he’s incredible. He’s kind and he cares so much about things and he tries his best with everything, even when it’s hard.” Dan couldn’t help the soft smile on his lips, even though he still wasn’t sure the man was actually listening. “He makes me want to work hard too, and that’s a feeling I didn’t feel for a long time, maybe never.”
Even though his expression didn’t change, Phil’s father was still looking at him, his eyes focused on Dan’s, and really, Dan thought, it was probably as good as it was going to get. “So, umm, I just wanted to thank you, again. I’ll be forever grateful to you and… and your wife, for raising Phil to be the person that he is. I’ll… work hard, to make sure I make him just as happy as he makes me.”
It looked like Mr. Lester’s eyes had more clarity in them when Dan mentioned Phil’s mother, and Dan remembered Phil’s words from a few weeks ago, ‘I never knew anyone who loved someone as much as my dad loved my mum,’ but the look was gone as fast as it came and Dan thought that maybe he imagined it after all.
He felt better, saying everything he wanted to say. And even though he knew his words were a little too promising considering their unknown future, considering he and Phil had only known each other for the last two months, he also knew, looking at the man in front of him, that he might not get many more chances to say what he wanted to say.
“So, umm, yeah. That’s what I wanted to say,” Dan added, feeling suddenly awkward under the emotionless stare, hands still fidgeting with the half eaten apple. Mr. Lester’s eyes moved then to Dan’s hands, and then back to his eyes, mouth opening. At first, Dan thought he wanted to say something, before realization hit him.
“Oh!” he said, shaking his head. “Sorry, I forgot,” he apologized, resuming cutting slices from the apple and feeding him slowly, wondering if he understood anything of what Dan was saying.
(For some reason, Dan thought that he did, but maybe it was just wishful thinking).
*****************************************
Phil came back to the room after half an hour with an apologetic smile, stopping in his track when he saw the scene in front of him.
The apple was almost entirely eaten, and Mr. Lester was just chewing on the last slice when Phil opened the door, staring at his father and at Dan with wide eyes.
Dan smiled at him proudly, feeling a little smug at Phil’s expression.
“You got him to eat?” Phil asked, not even trying to mask his surprise.
“Yes,” Dan answered, getting up to wash the knife in the sink, letting Phil take his place.
Phil approached the bed, smiling softly at his father. “Was it a good apple dad? Martyn bought them especially for you at the market, but he said you didn’t want to eat any yesterday,” he said, reaching up to pet the man’s head. As expected, he got no response back, only two small eyes blinking up at him.
“Okay then,” Phil said, pulling the blanket down his dad’s body, “Let’s get you cleaned, shall we?”
************************
For the rest of the day, Dan felt completely useless. Phil changed his father’s clothes and fed him and gave him medication and told him all kind of stories about the New Year’s party he and Dan went to and about Martyn and Cornelia and even about the fat dog that used to belong to his aunt that was now gaining more and more Instagram followers from people interested in his transformation.
Mr. Lester looked completely indifferent to the endless chatter, eyes moving their focus from Phil to the ceiling to Dan, showing no particular interest in any of them. Dan was mostly standing next to Phil, trying to offer any help he could but mostly getting dismissed with a gentle smile and a soft “thank you.”
At around 2 o’clock, when a nurse came in to take Mr. Lester’s vitals, Dan finally understood what Phil meant when he said his dad didn’t let anyone but Phil tend to him.
When the impatient looking nurse tried to touch him, Mr. Lester’s body went completely rigid under her fingers and he made a pained noise, trying to move away from her hand, his dull eyes a sudden mixture of panic and anger.
Immediately, Phil stepped in, putting his hand on his father’s shoulder. “Shh, dad, I’m here,” he said, trying to soothe him, looking at the nurse apologetically.
It took both Phil and the nurse working together for more than 30 minutes to complete the simple task, and when she finally left the room she had an annoyed look on her face, dismissing Phil’s constant apologies.
At that moment, Dan really wanted to wrap his arms around Phil and squeeze him tight, kiss the distress from his face and soothe him as best as he could.
But Phil didn’t look like he could handle a hug at that moment, trying to compose himself, so Dan settled on a comforting hand on his back and a sympathetic smile, earning himself a grateful little curve of the lips in return.
“It’s okay,” Phil said quietly, and Dan wasn’t sure if he was saying it to himself or to Dan.
*****************************
They left the hospital after 8 PM, when Phil’s father fell asleep and Phil said it was okay to leave for the day.
Phil looked drained, and honestly Dan felt quite drained himself. He couldn’t imagine doing this as often as Phil did.
They were walking towards the bus station hand in hand when Phil started talking, not lifting his eyes up to look at Dan. “Well?” he asked, with no explanation, for some reason sounding a little defeated. Dan didn’t like that sound at all.
“Well what?” he asked, looking at Phil, trying to catch his gaze.
Phil didn’t budge, his eyes focused on the ground. “Well… did today officially scared you off?” he asked, and Dan was so caught by surprise that he stopped in his track, his grip on Phil’s hand making him stop as well, finally looking up at him.
“No,” he said, dumbly, staring at Phi with wide eyes. “Why would you say that?”
Phil looked a little surprised by Dan’s reaction as well, searching Dan’s eyes for something. “Because, this is my life now. Not just now… this is how most of my life looked like, and I know it’s not… it’s not pretty, and not easy, and I can’t expect you to be a part of it when you have the choice not to be.”
And Dan couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t take the sincere look in Phil’s eyes. Couldn’t take the way he thought Dan wouldn’t want to stay with him because it wasn’t always easy, or pretty, or any other reason Phil thought Dan should be running to the hills.
He stepped forward, ignoring Phil’s surprised squeak and wrapped himself tightly around Phil’s shoulders, pulling him as close as possible. “You’re such an idiot,” he said, squeezing even harder, nose buried in Phil’s pink hat.
“I am?” Phil asked, voice muffled by Dan’s coat.
Dan laughed, feeling like he might actually start crying. “Yes, you are, if you think you’re getting rid of me that easily. I’m not that easily scared,” he said.
That, was a lie. Dan knew it was a lie. Usually, Dan was extremely easy to scare off, he knew that, but with Phil, everything felt a little different, everything made him want to make more effort, to work harder, to not let go.
Phil pulled away a little, wrapping his own arms around Dan’s middle, holding tightly. His eyes were shinning with a realization. “Thank you. For today. For… for giving him that apple, I don’t know how you managed to… but not only for that. Thank you for caring, and… and for staying. Just, thank you.”
Dan nodded, not trusting his voice at that moment, leaning down to kiss Phil softly on the lips (pulling away after a few short moments, ignoring Phil’s protest, they were on public after all).
“You welcome,” he said, kissing Phil’s forehead for good measure, pulling away and looking at Phil’s pink face. His intense blue eyes (so different than his father’s) were looking right at him with so much emotion Dan had to fight the urge to look away.
“Dan…I,” He started to say, his cheeks getting even pinker, eyes sparkling with something Dan couldn’t recognize. He opened his mouth a few more times, trying to talk, before groaning loudly and stepping forward, burying his face in Dan’s neck in frustration.
Dan chuckled, kissing the top of his head and holding him close.
“Sorry,” Phil said, his cold nose rubbing against Dan’s warm skin. “I’m too much of a coward to say it. Maybe… maybe next time.”
Dan felt his heart swell in his chest, and he wanted, more than anything, to give Phil everything he needed, to give him the strength he thought he was missing.
“It’s okay” he said, lips brushing against the fabric of Phil’s hat. “We got time. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?”
Dan squeezed him again. “Promise.”
************************
Phil’s dad died the next morning. Dan got a phone call from Martyn, telling him the news, saying that Phil asked to be left alone for a little, to process. Dan expressed his sympathies, feeling a little numb.
He haven’t heard from Phil for two weeks after that.
And just like that, the first few weeks of the new year were the coldest Dan had experienced in a long time.
Notes:
hey guys! how are you? ^.^
hope you liked the chapter! it was a complicated one to write for me :')
please come tell me your thoughts about it, as it's always gives me tons of motivation <3
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Your Mess Is Mine
Summary: “I know what you’re thinking,” he said with a serious tone, catching Dan off guard.
“Do you?” honestly, it wasn’t that hard to guess.
“Yes. You’re thinking that this hat totally clashes with everything else I’m wearing, and you’re not wrong.” He was looking at Dan with round, shiny eyes. Dan blinked at him a few times, dumbstruck.
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A university!au where Dan is a third year student dealing with demons from his past, and Phil is the peculiar guy from his Greek mythology class who he just can’t quite get out of his mind.
warnings: mention of suicide (not discussed in detail), Minor Character Death
warnings for this chapter: smut
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12640926/chapters/36319632
also check out the amazing art @ninapons made for this fic!! hereand here
chapter 13
words for this chapter : 4686
read last chapter here
start at the beginning
They took a cab from the party back to Phil's place after saying a quick goodbye to PJ and Sophie, earning a knowing look and a smirk from both of them.
Phil was uncharacteristically quiet on the way back, sitting on the far end of the backseat, looking through the window.
Dan wasn't too worried though. His hand was still clasping Dan's, both resting on the seat between them, thumb rubbing Dan's knuckles up and down. His face was still flushing lovely pink and his lips were curved up in a barely there a smile.
When they got to Phil’s building Dan payed the driver quickly, getting out of the car and walking a step behind Phil towards his apartment. The air between them was still charged, as if there was actual electricity circulating between their bodies, even though they weren’t touching anymore. He could feel his heart beating fast and loud in his chest, so loud that he suspected Phil could hear it as well when he was taking out his keys and opening the front door.
He had no chance to dwell on it though, because the moment the door finally opened and Dan took a step forward after Phil, he found himself shoved against the wall, door shutting behind them, Phil’s lips against his.
Phil never kissed him like that before, and Dan was definitely caught by surprise. The kiss was urgent and messy and needy, as if Phil was trying to get as much of Dan as he could with his lips, as if no matter how much he got it wasn’t enough, and Dan tried to keep up as best as he could.
Phil’s hands were clutching his biceps tightly, almost painfully so, his coat covered chest was pressed against Dan’s, and it almost felt like their hearts were racing against each other, trying to see whose can beat faster.
Dan’s mind was in a complete haze, his body working on instinct, kissing Phil and pushing back against his weight, gripping his sides with his hands. It all felt a little surreal.
Phil only separated himself from Dan to take his own coat and shoes off, urging Dan to do the same. But before Dan managed to put his coat down, Phil was already launching himself back at him, shoving him a bit too enthusiastically in the process and making him bump his head on the wall with a loud bang.
“Ouch,” Dan said, rubbing his head and letting out a nervous laugh.
And just like that, the spell was broken.
Phil looked horrified, his eyes going wide and his hands flying up to cup Dan’s head, moving it from side to side, as if too check for any damage. “Oh my god! I’m so so sorry! Are you okay?” he asked, his tone high pitched and panicked. And Dan couldn’t help but feel fondness wash through his body, replacing some of the intense heat. This was the Phil he was used to. The sweet, clumsy, adorable Phil he couldn’t help but be enamored with.
Maybe, Dan thought, they should slow down for a moment.
“I’m fine, don’t worry,” he said, covering Phil’s hands with his own and taking them off his head, holding them tightly.
“Are you sure?” Phil asked, and Dan fought the urge to roll his eyes at how genuinely concerned Phil sounded.
“Yes,” he reassured.
But the mortified expression on Phil’s face didn’t drop, and he covered his face with his hands with a loud groan. “I’m sorry!” he exclaimed into his palms, “Now I’ve ruined the mood.” He sounded so genuinely upset with himself that Dan started to actually feel a little bad for him.
“Phil,” he said, earning only a small whine in response. “Phil, look at me,” he tried again, and even though he really did feel bad, he couldn’t help the smile that stretched on his face when he took hold of Phil’s wrists to pull his hands from his face, revealing Phil’s pouting lips and flushed cheeks. He was too endearing for his own good, even when he was being overdramatic.
Dan leaned in, kissing Phil slowly and deeply, nothing like the way they were kissing only a minute ago. And even though it made him feel less hot, less charged with sexual energy, Dan loved it just as much. Loved the slow and caring movements of their lips against each other. Loved to feel everything and be able to appreciate everything between them with no rush. Loved to feel like they weren’t just racing for the sake of the finish line.
Phil clung to him, fisting the front of his shirt and kissing back eagerly, but not speeding up the pace.
They drew back after a minute, Dan’s hands still holding Phil’s wrists, and his thumb rubbing over Phil’s pulse point, that was still beating pretty fast. Their faces were still extremely close, and Dan could feel Phil’s puffs of breath against his upper lip.
“You haven’t ruined anything you spoon,” Dan said warmly, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s, kissing him again quickly and softly.
Phil blinked up at him, his eyes still looked a little distressed but his lips were curving up in a small smile. He stepped forward, burying his face in Dan’s neck and letting out a loud whine of frustration. “I literally gave you a head injury while trying to woo you. I’m such a flop,” he said, voiced muffled by Dan’s collar.
Dan couldn’t stop himself from laughing at that, letting go of Phil’s wrists and winding his arms around his shoulders, squeezing him tightly. “God you’re such an idiot, what injury? I told you I’m fine,” he said, and his voice was so disgustingly fond even Phil didn’t have it in him to protest, only giggling against Dan’s neck, his breath tickling Dan’s sensitive skin there. “And besides, you don’t have to woo me. You’ve got me already, I’m yours.”
Phil’s breath hitched at Dan’s words, and the sound made something in the room feel charged again.
Except this time, the energy was calm, sweet, thick and caring in the best way.
Phil wrapped himself completely around Dan’s middle then, head buried deep into Dan’s neck and hands clutching the back of his shirt. “When you say things like that, you make me think I’m dreaming,” he mumbled, shy, hiding his face in Dan’s skin.
“I’m not exciting enough to dream about,” Dan tried to dismiss, because his cheeks were getting warmer and warmer and his chest tighter and tighter and there were words on the tip of his tongue he wasn’t sure he should say just yet, so he held them back, for now.
Phil pulled away at that, looking at Dan intently, his face flushed and intense and Dan wasn’t sure how long he could look at those eyes before he explodes. “You’re everything I ever dreamed of,” Phil said, and the sincerity in his voice made something akin to a volcano erupt in Dan’s stomach and fill his entire body with unbelievably warm, fluttering butterflies.
Phil had the amazing ability to say the most sincere, open things without so much as a blink, and no matter how many times he said things like that Dan still couldn’t get used to it. Wasn’t sure he ever could.
So he said nothing, leaning down to kiss Phil again, trying to convey at least a little what he was feeling at that moment. Trying make Phil understand.
Phil tugged on his hand, pulling him away from the wall and after him, disconnecting himself from his lips but giving him the loveliest smile before leading him to his bedroom.
There was nervous energy buzzing under Dan’s skin when they entered the room. Phil let go of his hand, moving to sit on the bed, looking up at him shyly with his blue blue eyes.
“Come here please,” Phil said, making grubby hands towards him. Dan let out a nervous chuckle, moving to sit next to him, their knees touching.
He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. He wasn’t entirely new to sex and intimacy, not really. He and Oliver had their experiences (even though, as teenagers, they pretty much stuck to the basics), and he did have a few intimate relationships with people he dated for short periods of time after starting university. But something about this night made him feel like it was the first time, like he didn’t know what to do with his hands and mouth and body. He wanted, desperately, to make anything they’d do feel amazing for Phil.
Phil giggled then, out of nowhere, making Dan snap out of his thoughts. “My heart is beating so fast,” he said, putting one hand on his chest and shaking his head. “We’re being silly,” he added before cupping Dan’s cheeks with his cool hands and leaning in to kiss him softly, soft lips gliding over his. Dan took a few moments to respond, letting himself be kissed before moving his hands to Phil’s waist, kissing back with a little more heat.
Phil moved them then, pushing Dan to lie on his back and hovered over him, leaning down to kiss him again, letting his tongue lick its way into Dan’s mouth, gently exploring.
He pulled back after a minute, eyes locking with Dan’s. “Thank you for tonight. For taking me to the party and holding my hand. I know… I know it was a weird thing to ask,” Phil said, and his voice was so sincere and his cheeks were so flushed and all Dan wanted was to kiss him again.
“I didn’t mind it, really,” Dan said, lifting his hands and putting them on Phil’s cheeks, thumbing under his eyes and watching the way they fluttered shut at the touch. He pulled him down then, kissing his jaw and the corner of his mouth and finally his lips, holding his face close.
When Phil pulled away, Dan almost whined in protest, but then Phil’s lips were moving down to his neck, kissing there lightly and all he could do was gasp.
“I want to make you feel good Dan,” he said against his skin, leaving another soft kiss. “Tell me how to do that.”
“My, uh, neck. It’s a good place to start,” Dan mumbled, embarrassed, feeling the vibration of Phil’s laughter against his skin.
Phil kissed his neck again then, this time applying more pressure, letting his wet tongue swipe against the warm skin, making Dan shudder.
Phil moved his legs, straddling Dan’s thighs and sitting up. Dan looked with half hooded eyes as Phil took the hems of his jumper in his hands, lifted up and tossed it aside, leaving him in his white button down.
He reached down, hands playing with the top button of Dan’s shirt. “Can I?” he asked, a little shyly. Dan nodded, feeling Phil’s fingers starting to work on each button, taking his time. When he finished, he pushed the fabric off of Dan’s shoulders, helping him sit up a bit to take the shirt off completely.
Phil moved his hands from Dan’s shoulders to his chest, putting his palms flat above his rapidly beating heart.
“So beautiful,” he said, and before Dan had the chance to respond Phil was leaning down, sucking on the skin of Dan’s collarbone and making him arch into the touch.
“I want to touch you, is that okay?” Phil asked, his lips still against Dan’s skin, but his big eyes peeking up from under his eyelashes and making Dan feel dizzy.
“Yeah, that’s… yeah,” was all Dan could muster before Phil was kissing down his body and towards his stomach.
Dan wasn’t really hard yet, even though he was definitely turned on, but the moment Phil’s hand found his crotch and pushed down, he felt a jolt of arousal go through his body, making him let out a loud breath, his hips bucking a little into the touch.
Phil let out a breath as well, fingers fumbling with the button and zipper of Dan’s jeans before pushing them down Dan’s body, taking his pants off as well. Dan lifted his hips to help, wiggling out of his last pieces of clothing, both of them giggling at his awkward movements.
When he was finally naked, Phil took a moment to look at him, his eyes going up and down his body, and Dan had to fight the urge to cover himself up.
He wasn’t particularly insecure about the way he looked, but something about Phil’s intense eyes studying him like that, while he himself was still completely clothed, looking like he was trying to memorize every curve and bump on Dan’s body, made it all feel more intimate than he ever remembered feeling in similar situations.
Phil reached his hand down tentatively then, fingers skimming over Dan’s skin gently before wrapping them around his length. Not surprisingly, they felt too cold against Dan’s warm skin.
Dan couldn’t help but flinch from the touch a little, causing Phil to flinch away as well, looking a little panicked from Dan’s reaction.
“Cold,” Dan said with a laugh before Phil had a chance to freak out.
Phil let out a breath in relief, his cheeks becoming darker. “Sorry!” he exclaimed, bringing his hands together and rubbing them fiercely.
Dan let out a chuckle, feeling lightheaded and ridiculously fond, taking Phil’s hands in his own and bringing them to his face, blowing hot air on them and squeezing them between his own warm fingers.
He repeated the action a few times until the skin of Phil’s hands started to feel at least a little warmer, concluding his treatment with a kiss to the tip of each finger. “There you go,” he said, feeling a little proud of himself when he looked up and saw Phil’s face had somehow managed to become even pinker.
Phil smiled shakily, letting out a nervous giggle and brought his hands back down, one gripping Dan’s cock lightly and one resting on his thigh. Dan hummed in appreciation, encouraging Phil to wrap his hand around him tighter and start to move it, making Dan let out a small noise, his cock growing harder in Phil’s hold.
The last time Dan was in a position similar to this with someone he truly cared about, was with Oliver, and Dan’s mind couldn’t help but think about that, couldn’t help but compare. He was mad at himself, a little, for thinking about someone else while being like that with Phil, while having Phil touch him and care for him. But the images were right there at the surface, waiting to float up whether he liked it or not.
Phil’s hands were a little smaller, Dan noticed, even though his fingers were longer, and their touch was a little softer, a little slower than Oliver’s. Oliver’s touches were always fast, tight, driven by teenage hormones and the desire to get each other off. And Dan liked that, at the time, felt hot all over and satisfied, didn’t ever think he would want something else, someone else to touch him. They were used to each other, used to each other’s bodies, and that was always good enough for him.
But now… it felt different, gentler, new. Phil was studying his body, studying his reactions, trying to get to know him better with his hands. He was taking his time, getting familiar with every part of Dan’s cock, trying to figure out where he should press harder and when he should speed up the pace.
And it felt so good, to be cherished like that, to be showered in this kind of attention, and he hated that he couldn’t stop himself from feeling a little guilty. Guilty for giving himself like that to someone who wasn’t Oliver, guilty for realizing that even with Oliver, he never felt quite like this before.
Phil stopped his motion suddenly then, making Dan open his eyes (when did he close them?) and look at him with confusion.
“What are you thinking about?” Phil asked softly, his hand still gripping Dan’s cock, unmoving.
“You. This,” Dan said, because it was mostly true and he wanted to sooth the worry in Phil’s eyes, even though he wasn’t quite sure what put it there.
Phil let go of his cock, leaning down and kissing his lips softly before letting his entire body weight rest on top of Dan, head buried in his neck.
“When we do… things like this, you’re not allowed to think about anything but me,” he said, and the tone of his voice was unreadable, making Dan’s chest tight.
“Okay,” he said, hand reaching up to push Phil’s hair back, kissing his forehead.
Phil nuzzled deeper into his skin, hands reaching up to tangle in Dan’s hair. “I’m serious. I had enough of being a second choice. Enough for a lifetime.” He said, voice quiet and timid. “When we’re like this, together, I need you to choose me and only me, and I need you to tell me when you can’t.”
Dan’s entire body ached, and he wanted, desperately, to give Phil everything he wanted, everything he deserved. To never let doubt and uncertainty seep into his voice ever gain.
“Okay,” he said again.
Phil lifted his head, eyes searching Dan’s, and when he couldn’t find any dishonesty in them, something about his face softened again. “I trust you,” he said, and nothing Phil ever said to him before felt as significant as those 3 words felt at that moment.
Phil leaned down to kiss him, soft and slow, before kissing his way down his body again and settling between Dan’s legs on his front. But this time, he didn’t stop at his stomach, kissing down until he reached the tip of Dan’s cock, giving the head a small lick.
Dan’s hips bucked up from the sudden pleasure, a small moan escaping his lips.
Phil put both his hands flat on Dan’s thighs, holding him down. “I have a pretty strong gag reflex, so I need to go slowly, sorry,” he said, a little sheepish, looking up at Dan.
“Yeah, sorry, I’ll be good,” Dan said, and felt the warmth in his chest trying to burst out of his body when Phil smiled at him, leaning down to kiss his inner thigh in approval.
When Phil’s mouth found its way back to Dan’s cock, Dan was prepared, stopping himself from thrusting up into the warm feeling.
He wrapped his lips around the head, tongue dipping inside Dan’s foreskin, fingers wrapping around the rest of him, moving and twisting. He sank down slowly, breathing heavily through his nose, sucking and moving his tongue experimentally.
And maybe it was because it had been so long since the last time Dan was in this position, but Phil’s mouth felt so good, and he felt himself getting aroused embarrassingly quickly, letting out deep noises of satisfaction.
Phil pulled up to take a breath, replacing his mouth with his hand. “Can you maybe… talk to me? I feel better when I hear your voice.” Phil said quietly, resting his head on Dan’s hip in embarrassment.
Dan felt some of the blood rush back to his face, and he was pretty sure he was as red as a tomato. “Yeah, that’s… sure,” he said eloquently, feeling Phil press his lips to his hip.
“Also, play with my hair please,” Phil added quickly, not letting Dan respond before sinking back down on his cock and making Dan let out a loud moan.
“Shit, Phil,” Dan said, his hands reaching down as requested, tangling in Phil’s hair. “You feel really good,” he added, feeling Phil hum in appreciation.
Phil started bobbing his head in earnest, hands working on the parts he couldn’t reach. And the sight of it alone (Phil’s concentrated face, his pink lips stretched around him, his blue eyes watering a little), was making Dan feel already pretty close to the edge only after a few short minutes.
“You’re so good like this Phil, so good,” He said, his mind a bit hazy but not missing the whine his words caused Phil to make. Not missing the way Phil’s hips started to move against the mattress. Not missing the way he sped up his actions.
And, fuck, the realization that Phil liked that, liked hearing how good he was, how good he made Dan feel, got off on it even, made Dan feel ridiculously close.
“I’m close,” he warned, tugging a bit on Phil’s hair.
Phil kept his movement for a few more seconds before pulling away and letting his hands take over, one gripping Dan’s cock, moving up and down and one reaching below to tug on his balls.
And that all it took, apparently, to push Dan over the edge with a soft cry, feeling waves of pleasure spread from his abdomen to the tips of his toes, body arching from the mattress.
Phil worked him through it, letting go only when Dan started to flinch from his touch, laughing a little and covering his face, rolling to his side. “That was… really good,” Dan said when he composed himself, letting his hands drop and looking up at Phil’s pleased face.
“Really?” Phil asked, but Dan could see the little smug smile on his lips beneath the innocent act.
“Yes,” he said, not wasting time and sitting up suddenly, tugging on Phil’s shirt. “Get this off, it’s your turn.”
At that moment, despite feeling quite spent, there was nothing Dan wanted more than to make Phil feel just as good as Dan was feeling. To do anything he could to make Phil fall apart under his touch.
Phil obliged with a soft giggle, letting Dan pull off his shirt over his head (ignoring the buttons), getting up to pull down his jeans and pants unceremoniously before settling back down next to Dan, cheeks pink and cock half hard.
“Tell me what you want,” Dan said, hands finding their way to Phil’s sides, squeezing the soft flesh.
“Sit against the headboard please,” Phil asked, a little shy, and Dan kissed him softly before complying.
Phil crawled to him, his pale skin flushed a lovely pink from his cheeks to his chest, settling himself down on Dan’s lap, arms wrapping around Dan’s neck, cock pressed against Dan’s stomach, burying his face in Dan’s shoulder and breathing in.
“It feels best to me like this, when we’re close,” he said sheepishly, and Dan felt his chest getting warmer again at his words.
“I like it too,” he said, pulling on Phil’s shoulders to get him to sit up, leaning to kiss him deep and slow, wanting to get the sensual atmosphere back.
Phil kissed back, pressing himself as close as possible to Dan’s body, cock thrusting a bit against Dan’s lower stomach. Dan’s cock gave a small pitiful twitch of interest, but hadn’t managed to do much else only a few minute after his orgasm.
Besides, Dan though, it was for the best. He wanted to focus all his attention on Phil right now, wanted to make sure Phil felt as best as he could.
He pulled back from Phil’s lips, kissing down his jaw to his neck sucking lightly near Phil’s Adam’s apple, earning a soft whine.
“Touch my nipples. They are, uh, sensitive,” Phil said, his voice trembling a little.
Dan followed the instructions, wiggling his hands between their bodies and pressing his thumbs to both of Phil’s nipples, circling the nubs gently.
The reaction was immediate, almost alarmingly so, taking Dan by surprise. Phil let out a high pitched whine, cock grinding against Dan, getting harder, face falling back to Dan’s neck, breathing harshly.
“You weren’t kidding,” Dan tried to tease, but his own voice was breathless, excited. He repeated the action, following it by pinching one of Phil’s nipples lightly, making him whine again, but pull away from the touch.
“Too much,” he mumbled, kissing Dan’s neck softly where his lips rested.
Dan rubbed the skin in apology for a few moments before moving on from his nipples, letting his fingers skim up and down Phil’s sides, studying every curve, feeling the way his fingers left a trail of goosebumps after them wherever they touched.
“Your skin is so soft,” Dan said without thinking, feeling himself flush a little when he realized he said it out loud.
Phil giggled, kissing his neck again, “I moisturize,” he said for the second time that night.
Dan let one of his hands sneak back between their bodies then, moving down Phil’s stomach until he reached what he was looking for, taking a hold of Phil’s cock in his hands and squeezing, thumb swiping against the slit. Phil’s hips jerked up at that, his hold on Dan’s neck became tighter, nose nuzzling deeper into his skin.
“Tell me what feels good,” Dan said, starting to work Phil’s cock, trying to find a rhythm that worked for Phil.
The position was a little awkward, with their bodies pressed so close together, but Phil didn’t seem to mind. On the contrary, every time Dan did something particularly right, Phil only pressed closer, leaning more of his weight against Dan, trying to muffle his loud moans against Dan’s skin.
He was thrusting his hips in time with Dan’s movements, clinging and kissing and occasionally biting Dan’s shoulders, pulling a little on the hairs on the back of Dan’s head.
“Wait, can you…” Phil trailed off, straightening up a bit. Dan stilled his motion, hand still on Phil’s cock, waiting to see what Phil wanted him to do.
Phil took a hold of Dan’s other hand, bringing it to his mouth and, much to Dan’s surprise, took one of Dan’s fingers into his mouth, lapping it with his wet tongue.
Phil was blushing dark pink, but kept his eyes locked with Dan’s when he took his finger out of his mouth, tugging on his hand and bringing it down and behind him, pressing the wet finger to his hole. Dan thought he might die right at that moment, just like that, going by the way his heart was racing in his chest.
“Can you…? Just the tip, just a little,” he said, and Dan just nodded, because he didn’t think he could actually speak at that moment.
Dan pressed gently, just a little, like Phil asked, feeling a soft heat engulfing his finger.
Phil let out a loud breath, his face dropping back down to Dan’s neck, kissing it again in appreciation.
Dan resumed the movements of his other hand again, feeling the way pre cum was leaking out of Phil’s cock, spreading it down his length. He moved his finger in and out gently, remembering that they didn’t actually used any lube, not going deeper than the first knuckle.
It seemed, though, that it was more than enough for Phil, and he was letting a stream of muffled noises, pushing his body down against Dan’s finger and up towards Dan’s hand.
Dan, trying to maximize Phil’s pleasure, reached to rub the skin of Phil’s rim with his thumb, right next to his finger, making Phil let out a surprised “oh!” and suddenly release over Dan’s hand and between their bodies, breathing harshly.
Dan drew his finger back when Phil was done, as well as his hand, wiping it on Phil’s sheets and winding his arms around Phil’s spent body, holding him close and kissing the top of his head.
It took a few minutes for Phil’s breathing to slow down back to normal, but Dan honestly didn’t mind. He let himself bask in that moment, let himself cling back just as hard as Phil, let himself feel the mutual adoration and marvel at the way Phil’s pliant body was leaning on him completely for support.
“You’re like, the best person in the world,” Phil said when he composed himself, and Dan could do nothing but laugh, happy, taking in a big breath, his arms and nose and mind filled with nothing else but Phil Phil Phil.
Notes:
i was really nervous for this chapter, so i hope you liked it!!
please tell me your thoughts, as those always make my day :')
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Text
Your Mess Is Mine
Summary: “I know what you’re thinking,” he said with a serious tone, catching Dan off guard.
“Do you?” honestly, it wasn’t that hard to guess.
“Yes. You’re thinking that this hat totally clashes with everything else I’m wearing, and you’re not wrong.” He was looking at Dan with round, shiny eyes. Dan blinked at him a few times, dumbstruck.
———————————
A university!au where Dan is a third year student dealing with demons from his past, and Phil is the peculiar guy from his Greek mythology class who he just can’t quite get out of his mind.
warnings: mention of suicide (not discussed in detail), Minor Character Death
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12640926/chapters/35442285
also check out the amazing art @ninapons made for this fic!! hereand here
SHE’S ALIVE!!! so sorry for the wait guys! hope you’ll like the chapter :) ( @quercussp i know it’s like, 2 weeks late, but can i still get a gold star for finishing this please? <3 )
chapter 12
words for this chapter : 4624
read last chapter here
start at the beginning
Dan was knocking on Phil’s front door at 9 PM on the 31th, taking a step back and waiting for someone on the other side to open it for him.
Phil spent most of the last 2 days at the hospital. His father’s condition was worsening quickly, he explained to Dan, so they haven’t got the chance to see each other, making do with texts and brief phone calls. Dan suggested they skip the party, feeling that going out to celebrate might not be appropriate with everything that was going on, but Phil insisted they should go.
“It’s exactly why we should go,” Phil told him over the phone, voice exhausted and words a little slurred. “I could use a break if I’m honest.”
Dan didn’t try to argue. The way in which Phil handled the tragedies in his family was still confusing to him, still caught him off guard from time to time, but he came to accept it. It made his heart ache, thinking about how Phil was already used to this. How his dad was just another person their family “curse” was going to eventually take. But he tried not to think about it too much. He knew how much he himself hated when people questioned his way of dealing with Oliver’s death, and he didn’t want to do the same to Phil.
When the door finally opened, Dan was met with the sight of Martyn, looking him up and down. Martyn was wearing his weird, trousers/skirt again, a colorful jumper and a big, welcoming smile.
“Well, aren’t you looking dapper?” Martyn said, making Dan’s cheeks heat a little under his blunt stare.
Dan was wearing a button down black shirt, black coat, his regular skinny jeans and his best looking dress shoes. He was pretty happy with himself when he looked at the mirror before heading out, nodding at his reflection with approval. But Martyn’s tone always had a layer of tease to it, which managed, sometimes, to make Dan a little flustered.
“Thanks,” he said, following Martyn inside.
“Phil! Your date is here! All dressed up for you!” Martyn called once they were inside, closing the door after them and moving towards the lounge with Dan strolling behind him, sitting down on the couch.
There was a loud bang noise coming from Phil’s room, and a quick “I’m okay! Just a moment!” following right after.
Dan haven’t even seen him yet, but Phil was already making him smile, causing a flash of fondness to spread through his body. He really, genuinely, missed Phil a lot in the last 2 days, and it made him even more excited to spend New Year’s Eve with him.
“he changed outfits like five times,” Martyn said, looking at Dan with a look that was half amused half despaired, “whatever he ends up wearing, just tell him it looks good, please, if you don’t want to spend the rest of your night here waiting for him to choose something else. “
“Will do,” Dan said, exchanging an amused look with Martyn.
From their first meeting, Dan felt like it was easy for him to get along with Martyn. They didn’t have a lot in common, and Martyn had this strangely cool, a little bizarre aura around him that made Dan feel a little intimidated from time to time, but he felt like they both shared such a deep fondness towards Phil, a common desire to make him happy and content, that it made them automatically like each other. And maybe, Dan thought, Martyn was a little happy to take a step back, let someone else worry about Phil’s well-being for a change.
“What are your plans for tonight?” Dan asked him, when waiting for Phil turned out to take more than ‘just a moment’, sitting down on the couch as well.
Martyn looked almost surprised that Dan asked, but composed himself quickly, smiling a pleased smile. “Oh, Corn and I are going to a friend’s place as well, it’s a little out of town so we’ll be staying there till tomorrow.” he said, patting Dan’s shoulder and smirking a bit. “So the place is all yours, mate.”
Dan couldn’t help but let out a loud, nervous laugh. “Thanks,” he said, trying to cover the way Martyn’s words were making something funny happen in his stomach.
It’s not that the topic of sex embarrassed him, not really. But as much as Martyn was young and friendly, Dan still viewed him as a bit of a parental figure in Phil’s life, and hearing him teasingly hint at the subject made him feel uncomfortably warm in his winter coat.
But to Dan’s relief, at that moment Phil decided to finally enter the room, babbling “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m ready!” one hand subconsciously playing with the collar of his shirt.
He was wearing a salmon colored jumper with big white cat whiskers on it. Under the jumper, he had a white button down shirt buttoned all the way to the last button, and his usual skinny jeans and white sneakers. Dan had no idea how someone could look so cute in his eyes, and yet so handsome, all at the same time.
“Hey,” Phil said softly once his and Dan’s eyes locked, and Dan could feel a smile spreading on his face.
“Hello yourself.” Dan got up and made his way to Phil, pressing his lips to his in a quick peck, ignoring the disapproving noises Martyn was making behind him.
“Do I look okay?” Phil asked, before Dan had any chance to say something himself, pulling on the fabric of his jumper a little.
“You look great,” Dan reassured.
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Isn’t this like… too pale?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Because I usually don’t like wearing light colors, I’m already too pale myself.”
“Well, I really think it suits you.” Dan let his hand trail from Phil’s shoulder down his arm, linking their fingers when his hand found Phil’s.
Phil’s face perked up, smiling big at Dan. “Thank you! Cornelia bought me this jumper for Christmas, I’ll tell her you approve,” he said, swinging their linked hands from side to side. “Oh, and you look really good too, by the way. Really really good,” Phil added, smiling cheekily at Dan.
“Why, thank you,” Dan smiled back at him.
“Argh, you guys are disgusting, get out of here with your honeymoon phase,” Martyn grumbled (even though Dan could clearly see from the corner of his eye that he was smiling), taking a pillow from the couch and throwing it at their direction.
Phil giggled, letting go of Dan’s hand and sticking his tongue out at Martyn, making Martyn mirror the action. “Don’t worry, we’re going,” Phil said, adjusting his collar again. “Wish Corn a happy new year for me.”
Martyn let out a little whiny noise, stretching his arms out and making grabby hands towards Phil. “What about me? Come give your brother a New Year’s kiss,” Martyn pouted exaggeratedly.
Phil rolled his eyes, but the smile on his face was big and fond. He walked towards the couch where Martyn was sitting, putting two hands on his shoulders and leaning down to give him a loud kiss on the forehead. “Happy new year, I love you,” he said, squeezing Martyn’s shoulders before straightening up.
“Love you too, little bro, have fun,” Martyn said, and his voice was softer than Dan was used to hearing it, less teasing.
Dan found himself, not for the first time, a little jealous of Phil’s and Martyn’s relationship. Dan and his brother were never close. He used to blame it on their age difference, but at some point, when his brother grew up a bit, he knew it came down to a lack of effort on both sides. He loved his brother, the way a person has to love a family member, but they had no deeper connection than that.
Dan felt like, in the past, all the familial closeness he desired he got from his relationship with Oliver. And it wasn’t like he and Oliver had a brotherly relationship, far from it (Dan felt uncomfortable even thinking about it in those terms), but he did provide Dan with all he craved for from his family – unconditional support, company, love and comfort. And somewhere along the way, he forgot that maybe his family, maybe Adrian, needed someone like that too. Needed an older brother like Martyn was to Phil.
He also knew that a big reason for Phil’s and Martyn’s closeness was their life circumstances. They went through a lot together, lost so much, and probably learned to appreciate each other more. And Martyn, Dan had to admit, was just a really good older brother. He took upon himself to care for Phil, to provide him stability (as much as was possible in their situation) and familial warmth. He felt responsible for Phil’s well-being, even though Phil was an adult, and Dan admired that.
“Let’s go,” Phil said, after putting his puffy coat and mittens on (he didn’t put on a hat, in spite of Dan’s insistence, saying he didn’t want to mess up his hair).
“Let’s go,” Dan echoed, following Phil outside.
______________________________________
They took the bus to PJ’s place, sitting near the back, Dan next to the window and Phil next to him. Phil didn’t waste any time, cuddling up to Dan as soon as they sat down, wrapping his arms around Dan’s arm and putting his head in his shoulders.
The bus was surprisingly empty, only a few other people who didn’t pay them any attention, (except one young woman, who caught Dan’s eyes and smiled at him politely, nodding her head a little).
“I missed you so much,” Phil said, rubbing his cheek against Dan’s coat.
“I missed you too,” Dan said, and he didn’t even care how sincere he sounded. He did miss Phil, more than he thought was possible to miss someone in two days.
Phil lifted his head a little, looking at Dan with his big blue eyes and pursing his lips in a silent request. Dan didn’t protest, leaning down and giving Phil a quick kiss, which seemed to leave Phil unsatisfied, letting out a whine, head-butting his shoulder and squeezing his arm.
Dan chuckled, reaching his hand up and pushing Phil’s hair out of his face a little, kissing his forehead. “Sorry, but we’re on the bus,” Dan said, letting his hand slide down from Phil’s forehead to his cheek, pinching it a little and making Phil let out another protesting sound.
“But I want to kiss you now!” he whined.
“Be patient baby.”
At that Phil got quiet, lowering his head and burying it in Dan’s shoulder again. Dan could feel the heat from Phil’s face against the skin if his neck. “You can’t call me that when you don’t want me to kiss you. That’s like… a rule. If you call me cute names I’m going to snog your face off,” Phil mumbled, muffled by Dan’s skin. “You’ve been warned.”
Dan chuckled, trying to sound unaffected but failing miserably. “Noted,” he said.
_______________________
The drive took less than 30 minutes, and in that time Phil managed to doze off on Dan’s shoulder, letting out little puffs of air against his neck. The young woman was still giving them little glances from her seat, but she was smiling a warm smile so Dan tried not to pay her too much attention.
When they got to their stop Dan woke Phil up with a little shake and dragged him off the bus quickly, earning himself a stream of barely audible mumbles.
Phil rubbed his eyes, yawning big and loud before attaching himself again to Dan’s side, making it a little hard for Dan to walk.
“Tired?” Dan asked when Phil yawned for the third time.
“A little.”
“Are you sure you want to go to the party? We can always head back, have a night in,” Dan suggested, feeling a little guilty for dragging Phil out when he clearly needed the rest. They stopped walking, and Dan turned to look at Phil, trying to convey that the suggestion was a genuine one.
Phil shook his head, looking at Dan with much more focused eyes. “No, I want to go, I want you to have a fun night with your friends, and I want to meet them,” he said, determined.
Phil looked sincere, and Dan could feel warmth spreading from his chest to the rest of his body. Here he was, spending his New Year’s Eve with this adorable guy, who Dan knew was tired and spent and didn’t even liked parties all that much, who still wanted to go and have fun for Dan’s sake. To put it simply, Dan felt lucky. “Yeah, okay,” Dan said, smiling at Phil and starting to walk again.
But to his surprise, Phil stopped him, grabbing the sleeve of his coat and making him turn back to face him.
“What’s wrong?” Dan asked.
Phil’s expression changed, looking a little sheepish, letting go of his sleeve and reaching up to play with the zipper of Dan’s coat. “Just… do you remember? What I said?” He asked, not meeting Dan’s eyes.
“About what?” Dan asked, feeling confused by the sudden change in the mood.
“About… you know…” he trailed off, sneaking one of his hands down Dan’s body and taking hold of Dan’s hand, squeezing tightly and finally lifting his eyes up to look at him.
Oh.
Dan certainly remembered. Spent the last 2 nights thinking about the odd request, and about Phil’s intense look when he told Dan his “condition”.
“Yeah, of course,” Dan said, squeezing back. “I won’t let go.”
“Promise?” Phil asked, and to Dan’s surprise he sounded a little nervous.
“Yes,” Dan answered, trying to smile reassuringly.
“No matter what?”
“Yes.”
Phil studied his eyes for a moment before he smiled, his expression changing into a sly one. “Even if you need to pee?” Phil asked, his tone joking.
Dan shrugged. “We can leave a crack in the door. You’ll reach as far as you can in and I’ll reach as far as I can out, it’ll be fine.”
Phil giggled, and Dan felt quite pleased with himself for making him relax. He let go of Dan’s hand, covering his face with his hands and shaking his head. “You don’t have to do that,” he said, tone a little whiny.
Dan grabbed Phil’s wrists, pulling them away from his face. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do, love,” he said, taking a step closer to Phil.
Phil had an unreadable expression on his face, his intense eyes staring right at Dan’s. “I warned you about the cute names,” he said eventually, and before Dan had a chance to react, Phil launched himself forward, kissing him with force, wrapping his arms around his neck.
Dan felt like the wind got knocked out of his lungs, and it took his a moment to register what was going on. But the street was empty and Phil’s lips were soft and eager, and really, Dan had no desire to protest.
______________________
When they finally reached PJ’s and Sophie’s place, Phil was pressed closely to Dan's side, his cool hand was clutching Dan's tightly. He looked calm, smiling big and bright at Dan when he looked to see how he was doing.
There was music and sounds of people talking coming from inside the flat, but they were faint, which made Dan feel some relief. He knew Phil definitely didn't want to spend his night at a loud, headache inducing party, and even though he knew PJ's party most likely wouldn't be like that, he was still a little nervous.
He knocked on the door, squeezing Phil's hand a few times while waiting for it to open. The door was opened less than a minute later by a redheaded girl Dan vaguely recognized as one of Sophie’s friends, who smiled at them politely when they greeted her, telling them PJ was in the kitchen before leaving to get back to her friends.
They took off their winter coats (Phil was laughing at Dan when he determinedly tried to do so without letting go of Phil’s hand, switching his hold to the other hand to take down each sleeve, making the process very complicated but absolutely worth the huge happy smile on Phil's face).
When they were done, Dan tugged on Phil's hand to follow him, leading them to the kitchen area where they were met with the sight of PJ, taking out bottles from the fridge. PJ lifted his head up when he heard them approaching, a friendly smile finding its way to his face.
“Well hello there, long time no see,” PJ said, putting the bottle in his hand on the counter and wiping his damp hand on his jeans before making his way to them.
“Hey Peej,” Dan greeted back, patting PJ awkwardly on the shoulder, (after stepping forward for a hug and then changing his mind, remembering Phil's hand in his). If PJ was surprised by the strange greeting, he definitely didn't show it. “This is Phil,” Dan introduced, smiling at Phil with encouragement.
Phil was smiling big right back at PJ, but his cheeks were a little pink and his look a little distant, which made Dan feel alert. “Hello,” he said, waving his unoccupied hand, “I think we actually know each other? Kind of.”
PJ looked confused for a second, looking at Phil intently, before his eyes blew wide in realization. “Oh! We do!” He exclaimed, a genuine look of surprise on his face. “Good to see you man, I like your new hair,” PJ said, making Phil reach self-consciously to pet his black fringe.
“Thank you! I wasn't too sure about the length, but I like it black,” Phil said.
“No no, it's a good length, don't worry,” PJ reassured, leaving Dan feeling slightly confused, even if quite happy to see PJ and Phil seemed to get along.
PJ turned to look at Dan, his smile vaguely apologetic, as if he was saying sorry for confusing him. “We went to sixth form together. Both did A level art,” PJ explained, gesturing towards Phil with his thumb. “This guy always had the strangest looking art, our teacher didn't know what to do with it.”
“Yeah… She never did understand my creative mind,” Phil said, shaking his head and making PJ laugh.
Dan laughed too. It wasn't hard for him to imagine that the art Phil produced probably wasn't the most conventional.
“Oh man, this is such a small world. How did you guys meet?” PJ asked, gesturing to their joint hands.
“We had Greek mythology class together this semester,” Dan answered, happy he could contribute something to the conversation.
PJ’s eyes widened again, blinking in surprise. “Are you in the same uni as us, Phil? I didn't know that.” PJ exclaimed.
“Umm, yeah I am. But it's okay! I took two gap years, so it's understandable you never saw me. Also I'm absent a lot,” Dan could feel Phil getting flustered, and was just about to change the subject when PJ spoke again.
“Right” he said, and his face had an unreadable expression on it that made Dan a little agitated for some reason, but he pushed the feeling aside. “I'm glad I got to see you now mate, it's been a long time, we need to catch up’” Phil smiled at him, nodding a little. “Grab yourself something to drink yeah? I'll go back to the lounge, rescue Sophie from hosting by herself,” he said, taking the bottle he took out earlier, raising it in a “cheers” motion before leaving to join the rest of his guests.
When PJ was out of the room Dan turned to Phil, squeezing his hand tightly. “That’s such a strange coincidence,” Dan said, studying Phil’s expression.
“Yeah,” Phil said quietly, looking somewhere to the left of Dan’s face, and Dan could feel an unexplainable pit of anxiety in his stomach.
“Are you okay? You looked a little uncomfortable,” he asked. He needed Phil to say more. To explain why he looked so unreachable all of a sudden.
Phil shook his head in dismissal, finally focusing on Dan’s eyes, making him relax a little. “No no, it’s okay, just wasn't expecting to see him after all these years,” he said, his unoccupied hand moving to Dan’s collar, smoothing the material between his fingers.
“Did you… Not get along or something?” Dan asked carefully.
“No, we actually did,” Phil said, smiling. “I told you I had… a bit of a reputation back in school. And people usually didn't really want to be my friends, at least if they weren't seeking… something else,” Phil said, his eyes dropping to his own hand on Dan’s collar, shrugging. And even though he tried to sound unbothered Dan knew he still was. “But PJ was always nice to me, we weren't really friends but he used to sit next to me in art class and talk to me about like… regular silly things. I was always looking forward to that.” Phil said, lifting his eyes and looking at Dan again, scrunching his nose in a way that really shouldn't be as adorable as it was.
“Here I go again, making everything more complicated than it should be,” he said, shaking his head. “It's really okay. I just didn't expect to see him here, that's all,” Phil said, and Dan hated that Phil still felt the need to down play things he was feeling in front of him.
But he said nothing, squeezing Phil's hand and leaning down to kiss his lips softly for a moment. “What do you want to drink?” Dan asked when he pulled away, pulling on Phil's hand to follow him to the fridge.
Phil smiled a happy smile, even if it didn’t quite reach his eyes like usual, squeezing Dan's hand back. “Something sweet please.”
Dan laughed, rolling his eyes but bringing Phil’s hand up to his lips for a quick kiss, making Phil beam at him.
“Of course that's what you want.”
_____________________________________
Dan found, quickly enough, that Phil’s hand holding rule wasn’t nearly as restricting as he thought it would be.
Sure, it was a little awkward greeting people, especially when he forgot about it a few times and ended up giving weird half gestures before remembering, getting some confused looks at the process.
But it was also nice, grounding.
Phil’s hand was extremely soft to touch, slightly smaller than Dan’s and even after holding it for quite some time it still didn’t feel too warm against his.
“I moisturize,” Phil said when Dan comment on the softness of his skin, his tongue getting a little loose after the 2 beers he had.
Phil also wasn’t shy about cozying up to Dan, pressing closely and demanding attention. Usually, when they were in public, he did try to control Phil’s clingy tendencies a little, as public displays of affection tended to get him unnecessarily flustered and a little embarrassed.
But this was a party, and PJ and Sophie were curled up together on the other sofa and so were a few other couples, and honestly, no one really seemed to care.
From time to time, people came over to talk to them. Dan knew most of the people there at least by face, introducing them to Phil and letting his strangely charming boyfriend lead the conversations, smiling fondly when he said something odd enough to make the other person look at Dan for guidance, earning only an amused shrug in return.
But for some reason, no one really stayed to talk to them for more them a few minutes, all making polite excuses to leave the conversation.
“You just have an aura of a new, lovey dovey couple about you. Like you want to be left alone,” PJ said to Dan. They were talking in the hallway, while Dan was waiting for Phil to come out of the bathroom. (Dan did suggest he’d actually come and hold his hand while he peed, to which Phil whined loudly and covered his face again, making Dan feel like his heart might just explode out of his chest. He did, however, hover not far from the bathroom in the hallway, meeting PJ there when he went to take something from the other room).
“I feel bad,” Phil said later. They were sitting on a two seater sofa, their heads resting next to each other on the back cushions, face to face, hands linked together between them.
It was 3 minutes to midnight and all around them was a small buzz of excitement, people saying they should turn the TV on, to see the fireworks.
“About what?” Dan asked. He was studying Phil’s face closely for the last 20 minutes, noting every freckle, every smile line and every mole, letting his fingers go over the parts that felt extra special in his hazy mind, memorizing them by touch and making Phil giggle.
“We came here so you could have a fun night with your friends, but I ended up keeping you all to myself,” he said, his blue eyes looking a little dark in the dim light of the room.
Dan smiled, closing his eyes when Phil’s hand came up automatically, poking his dimple. “Doesn’t matter. I think I mainly wanted to show you off a little anyway, let everyone see how lucky I am,” he said, and while he said it, he realized how true his words were.
Sure, he wanted to see PJ, and spending the night with him and their university acquaintances was a nice way to spent New Year’s Eve, but he realized that most of all he wanted everyone to see how happy he finally was, how happy Phil was making him.
How he wasn’t really interested anymore in going to random pubs with them for the sole purpose of trying to meet new people, and going on one unsuccessful date after the other, looking for something he didn’t actually think he’ll get to find again after losing it once before.
He finally had what he was missing, and even though it made him feel a little bit childish, a little silly, he wanted everyone to see him like this; happy, content and with the greatest, most beautifully unique person by his side.
Phil didn’t say anything, but when people started the countdown leading to midnight, Dan opened his eyes and looked at him. He almost felt the need to close them again right after, because Phil’s face was filled with so much emotion Dan wasn’t quite sure how to take it all in.
There was softness in there, and something that looked like genuine awe and, dare he say, love, and Dan felt dizzy with it all.
It looked like Phil was about to say something, but the clock hit 12 and everyone cheered, and Phil just shook his head before letting go of Dan’s hand and cupping his face, kissing him deep and slow, making Dan’s breath hitch.
“Take me home please,” Phil said after pulling away, his face still only an inch away from Dan’s.
“Are you tired?” Dan asked. His mind felt foggy and slow, but the instinct to take care of Phil was still there, strong as ever.
Phil shook his head, smiling. “Not at all,” he said, kissing Dan again. “But I think we should really get home. I know how shy you are about PDA, and I don’t think you’re going to appreciate what I’m about to do to you if we won’t get to a privet place soon.”
Oh.
Notes:
again, so sorry for the long wait guys, life was crazy, i'll try to update more often from now on :')
please please tell me what you thought
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No One Else But You
Summary: dan wants to try something new in bed, and Phil is having a bit of a sexuality crisis.
Words: 5023
tags/warnings: sex talk (no actual sex sorry), threesome talk, demisexual phil
read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13632672
note: i want to dedicate this fic to @waveydnp ! i love the topic of demisexuality, and her fic ‘a match and a fuse’ portrays the subject perfectly, so thank you sarah
Dan brings it up one night after sex, when they’re both still coming down from the high.
They’re lying side by side, both panting and sweaty and dirty, trying to find the will to get out of bed and clean up before letting themselves succumb to exhaustion.
Phil feels sated and content. The buzz under his skin is slowly fading into happy little tingles, his limbs feel heavy and sore in the best of ways. So really, he’s not feeling suspicious when Dan turns to him suddenly, tracing a line from his chest to his stomach with his fingers, a concentrated look on his face.
“Phil?” he asks, and Phil hums in response. He’s not sure he’s able to produce any coherent sounds just yet. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to break the hazy state he’s in. either way, a hum is all Dan needs.
“What do you think about trying something new?”
Dan’s voice is still a little bit husky, a little bit wrecked, and he clears his throat a few times after speaking.
“What? Like, a new sex thing?” Phil is a bit more interested suddenly, feeling the clouds that fill his mind clear just a little, allowing him to be more present in the conversation.
Dan is usually the one to suggest new things in the bedroom. Mostly, Phil just doesn’t really care. He likes most of the things they tried up until now. Likes to try new things with Dan and mostly likes seeing Dan discover something new that excites him, something new Phil can do to drive him crazy. But he doesn’t care enough to look for new things himself. He likes their sex life. Likes it when it’s slow and soft or fast and rough. Honestly, sex with Dan is just good, no matter how they do it.
Dan nods in response, moving his fingers up to Phil’s face, drawing circles on his cheekbones with his fingertip. He scoots closer to Phil until his knee is touching Phil’s thigh, and he sneaks his leg on top of Phil’s, rubbing his shin with his foot.
“You know I’m up for anything you want to try,” Phil says, and he turns to Dan as well, putting his arm around his back and pulling him a little closer.
Dan has a glint in his eyes and a smirk on his lips and he’s looking Phil straight in the eyes when he says, “How do you feel about threesomes then?”
And really, out of all the things Phil thought Dan might say, he definitely wasn’t expecting that one.
They never talked about something like that before. Usually, Dan’s new ideas don’t come from nothing. There are signs and jokes and some kind of preparation. So really, Phil can’t blame himself for the way his body tenses under Dan’s touch, eyes going a little wide.
“Threesomes?” he asks, as if Dan saying it twice will make it less surprising.
“Yeah,” Dan says, and he’s still smirking but his fingers stills on Phil’s face, waiting for a reaction.
“I… don’t know. I never thought about it before.” And really, he haven’t. Never thought Dan has as well.
Dan pushes at Phil’s shoulders then, making him lie down on his back again before hovering over his body “Then think about it. Something new, someone new, in here with us. New hands, new noises, for you and me to share. It can be exciting, different.” He can see that Dan is trying to sell him the idea, and he’s a bit surprised when his words do nothing but make a weird crawling sensation to spread under his skin.
“Did you have anyone in mind?” Phil asks.
Dan shrugs, smiling a bit wider at Phil, as if he already said yes. “Not really, but I’m sure we can find someone we both like.”
Someone they both like.
Something about these words doesn’t sit right with Phil, doesn’t roll off his tongue like it does off Dan’s. He feels a little caught off guard by the sudden way he feels trapped, suffocated under Dan’s body. He really wants to get up and take a shower.
“I’ll think about it, okay?” he says, because he will. Probably all he’s going to think about for the rest of the night.
Dan’s smile is still plastered on his face but it becomes less suggestive and more understanding, soft, and he leans down to leave a small kiss against Phil’s lips, drawing away after a few seconds.
“Take your time,” he says before getting up and making his way to the bathroom, leaving Phil alone with his thoughts.
_______________________________________
As Phil predicted, he thinks about Dan’s words a lot more than he probably should.
And really, he can’t put his finger on what exactly makes him feel so uneasy about the suggestion.
He knows he doesn’t have to think about it this hard. He doesn’t have to provide Dan with an explanation. If one of them isn’t into something, they don’t to it. End of story.
He knows Dan would never resent him for saying no to something that makes him uncomfortable. At least he’s pretty sure of it, because really, he can’t remember the last time he said no to something Dan wanted to try.
But something about that specific request, something about the way Dan worded it, the way he got excited talking about it, makes Phil want to get to the bottom of his issue with it. If not for Dan, then for himself.
But when two days pass and he still finds himself thinking about it, hard, even he has to admit that maybe he should just let it go.
But he doesn’t work like that. Sometimes, he just can’t simply let it go.
Dan is like that too, sometimes, but in different way to him. The things Dan can’t let go of, the troubles that occupy his mind, are usually bigger, more serious, all-consuming.
He’s worries about life and death and his place in the world and the way people see him. He thinks about what he had achieved up until that point in his life and how much more he could have done if he was in a better place earlier, if he was willing to work on himself more and procrastinate less.
His beautiful mind is filled with things Phil usually represses when they float to the surface. Things he can ignore and push back with words of self-encouragement and a good distraction.
He’s different from Dan, when it comes to that. The things that bother him most seem silly at times, even to him.
Things like his mum changing her color and not telling him, and him going home for Christmas to see her looking different than what he remembered, different than the image he had of her in his head.
Or the postman who looked agitated with him one morning when Phil went to collect the package they ordered from the door, with no apparent or logical reason, making him dwell on the exchange between them for days.
Or, apparently, things like him not wanting to try something in the bedroom his boyfriend suggested, even though it’s his absolute right not to want to just because, no explanation needed.
He knows he’s not hiding his thoughts well. Knows by the way Dan was eyeing him from the moment they woke up that morning, from the way he’s eyeing him from the other end of the couch right now while they sit and watch TV.
He’s not surprised when Dan takes the remote control and turns the volume down, looking at Phil’s face intently.
“If you keep frowning like that you’ll get wrinkles,” Dan says, folding his arms on his chest.
Phil knows it’s a fake reprimand. Knows its Dan’s way to show his concern for whatever’s going on in Phil’s mind without admitting his worries.
“I already have wrinkles,” Phil says, and just to prove his point he scrunches his face to show them off, feeling a little proud of himself when his actions earn him a small amused smile from Dan.
“Yeah well, you’ll have more if you won’t stop, old man.”
Dan says it lightly, with a roll of the eyes, but it’s the little bit of leftover concern that shows in his furrowed brows that makes Phil say “I don’t want to have a threesome,” out of the blue, without really meaning to. He’s surprised with himself. He wasn’t planning on saying anything about that until he would figure everything out. He’s beating himself up the second the words leave his mouth, because he doesn’t have a way to explain them. Not yet.
Dan looked confused for a moment, and then a little surprised and maybe a tiny bit disappointed, but Phil isn’t really sure because the next moment his face is warm and reassuring, like it always gets when he thinks Phil needs to hear it’s okay, nothing is wrong.
“That’s fine,” Dan says, and he scoots a little closed to Phil so he could take his hand and plant a kiss on the back of it, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. “Don’t worry about it, it was just an idea.”
Phil’s expecting to feel relief. He’s expecting to feel his body deflate and his mind clear, but none of that happens. Because he knew Dan wouldn’t mind. That wasn’t really the problem.
“I think… maybe I’m not confident enough for it? Like, maybe I don’t want to see you touch someone else? To see you give someone else that kind of attention? I think it makes me uncomfortable.” He’s not sure of his own words, and he can hear it in his tone, knows Dan can probably hear it too.
His words are not lies, he knows they’re true. He really doesn’t feel good about the idea of Dan touching someone else. Of him wanting different hands on his body and different noises in his ear. But he also knows it’s not all it is, and he can’t really figure out what else feels wrong.
Dan looks understanding and maybe even a little regretful, and he lifts Phil’s hand again to his lips, kisses every knuckle. “It wouldn’t be me giving someone else attention. It would be… us, sharing something new. I would never want anyone but you, not really.”
Not really.
Again, Dan’s words sit strangely with him, don’t make sense in his mind. What is ‘really’, then? He thinks.
“I’m not trying to persuade you!” Dan says quickly when he sees the look on Phil’s face, tugging on his hand to get him a little closer. “I’m just explaining what I meant. I really don’t care though, I would never want to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
And even though something still doesn’t feel right, still eating away at his mind and making him feel like he wants to draw his hand away from Dan’s grasp, he smiles, leaning forwards and kissing Dan on the lips, soft and lingering. Because Phil’s confusion doesn’t make sense even to him, and he really can’t expect it to make sense to Dan.
_________________________________________
That night he dreams about it. At least, he thinks that’s what he dreams of.
He’s not really there, or maybe he is, but he isn’t participating.
Dan is there though, and with him there’s another person. A man. A faceless, shapeless man.
Dan is touching him, like he touches Phil, and he’s making those deep, enthusiastic sounds like he does when Phil does something particularly right.
The man is making sounds as well. They variate in volume and pitch, and sometimes he sounds exactly like Phil, to the point where he thinks it might actually be him there with Dan after all.
It’s all a bit blurry and unclear, and when he wakes up with a gasp he finds himself on his stomach, hips moving against the mattress without his control. It’s still dark in the room and for a second he’s not sure where he is. He stills, feeling his heart beating wildly in his chest. He feels a little bit sick, a little bit confused, his uncomfortable arousal making him want to throw up.
He turns around to his back then, looking at the ceiling, trying to calm himself down.
“Someone had a good dream.” Dan’s voice comes out of nowhere, amused and teasing next to him, making Phil jump.
“What?”
Dan giggles, shuffling a little on the bed to be closer to Phil. “I said, you must had a good dream, you woke me up with your movements.”
“Oh.” He doesn’t know why, but he feels a little angry, a little annoyed with Dan. “It wasn’t,” he says, still looking at the ceiling. It doesn’t feel like a good dream. Especially now, after he woke up.
“Well, your little friend here seems to disagree with you,” Dan says, reaching down Phil’s body to squeeze his erection playfully.
Phil’s body goes rigid immediately, and he’s taken by surprise by the way Dan’s touch at that moment makes his skin crawl. Makes him want to move away and get out of bed and maybe even cry a little by himself.
Dan doesn’t seem to notice. His fingers are starting to move against Phil’s crotch teasingly, skimming over Phil’s cock through the fabric of his pants.
And Phil doesn’t like that, he doesn’t want that. He knows his movements are a little too aggressive, a little too sharp when he takes a hold of Dan’s fingers and shoves them away from himself. He can’t help it though.
“Don’t,” Phil says, and there’s a warning to his tone he didn’t really put there on purpose, and Dan seems to flinch from it immediately.
Dan is quiet for a second before saying, “I’m… sorry. I didn’t… sorry.” He looks confused and maybe a little bit scared by Phil’s sudden reaction, and Phil really needs to compose himself.
“It’s okay, I’m sorry. I just don’t feel so good, I…. I don’t know, I’ll go drink a glass of water, maybe it will help.”
Dan says nothing in response to Phil and Phil doesn’t expect him to. His words don’t make any sense but he knows he needs to get out of bed, so he does. He gets up and walks out of the bedroom, feeling himself breathe in relief when he makes his way to the kitchen, away from Dan.
Things still feel confused in his mind but he’s starting to understand what bothers him so much. Starting to understand why he can’t let Dan’s words and suggestion go, why he feels sick and confused and unsure when he thinks of it.
He knows he’s being unfair to Dan. Dan hasn’t done anything wrong, hasn’t forced him to do anything he doesn’t want to do, hasn’t pushed when Phil said he felt uncomfortable with the idea. And still, Phil can feel his eyes sting, a pang of hurt in his chest, and he’s mad at himself for being mad a Dan.
He knows it’s probably the effect of the late hour and the weird dream he had. Knows that in the morning it’ll feel better, calmer. Things tend to feel more dramatic, more emotional when the world is dark and quiet and all he can hear is his own thoughts.
He ends up drinking 3 glasses of water and sitting on the couch in the dark for half an hour before making his way back to the bedroom.
He still feels weird and uneasy but things are starting to make more sense in his mind and he doesn’t really want to be away from Dan anymore. Or maybe he does, but he thinks he can handle it now and he doesn’t want Dan to think he has done anything wrong, because hasn’t.
He isn’t surprised to find Dan awake when he opens the door, half sitting with his back against the headboard and looking at Phil while he makes his way to the bed.
“Are you feeling better?” he asks once Phil settles on the bed next to him, his back to Dan.
He knows Dan didn’t believe his excuse, knows Dan knows something else is up. But he doesn’t want to talk about it, not yet, and he’s grateful to Dan for letting him get away with it, even if just till the morning.
“Yeah, I���m better.” Phil says, and he means it.
Phil can hear Dan sliding down behind him, settling in a lying position. Dan’s quiet for a moment before saying, “Can I hug you?” with an unsure tone.
Phil can feel his heart clench, and even though he still doesn’t really want physical contact he hates to hear Dan sound so confused and hurt, as if he’s done something wrong. So he shuffles backwards until his back hits Dan’s chest and he says a small, “yes,” encouraging Dan to wrap his arms around him.
Dan lets out a breath in what Phil can only assume is relief but his arms are still hesitant, loose around Phil’s body and Phil feels the desire to cry takes over again. He reaches for Dan’s hands, pulling them closer to himself and pressing them to his lips, making Dan hug him tighter.
Dan lets out another breath, but this time it’s shaky and followed by a kiss to Phil’s neck. “I love you,” Dan says quietly, right against Phil’s skin.
“I love you too.”
__________________________________________
In the morning, Phil has to wait for Dan to wake up.
He feels anxious energy buzzing under his skin now that he decided what he wants to say to Dan, but at the same time he doesn’t want to rush, wants the time to drag and pass slowly, give him more time to think.
But eventually, Dan does wake up, with a scrunch of his face and a stretch of his limbs, turning around to look at Phil.
“Good morning, “ Dan says, and his voice sounds a little sleepy even if his eyes are looking too clear for someone who just woke up.
“Good morning,” Phil says, and he leans in to kiss Dan on the forehead, and then on his nose and lips. He wants to soothe him, to let him know it’s all okay between them, and Dan looks grateful for it, relieved, chases Phil’s lips when he draws away.
“Can we talk?” Phil asks, and Dan looks alarmed again, and Phil hates that he made him feel uncertain in any way. He never wanted that.
“Yeah, sure.”
Phil looks down to the grey duvet, feeling silly and dramatic when he says, “It’s about the threesome thing.”
Dan is quiet for a moment and Phil lifts up his eyes to watch his reaction. He doesn’t look surprised. Actually, he looks like he saw it coming. It doesn’t make Phil feel more relaxed like he thought it would.
“Yeah, I kind of figured it was about that.” Dan’s voice is calm, but Phil thinks he hears a little exasperation under it. Or maybe it’s his own imagination, he’s not quite sure.
“You did?”
“I’m not an idiot Phil.” This time, Phil’s sure he doesn’t imagine it.
“I know you’re not,” Phil says, and his voice is a little too small for his liking.
Dan lets out a sigh, and his arms find their way to Phil’s sides. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just confused, you looked so… upset last night. I hate that I caused that with that stupid suggestion.”
Phil feels guilty when he thinks about the way he pushed Dan away last night, feels guilty about making Dan feel guilty. “You didn’t cause it, not really,” he says, letting his own hands settle on Dan’s shoulders.
“I did, I made you feel insecure. I didn’t think it would make you feel this way when I suggested it. It was just an idea.”
Phil’s shaking his head when he hears Dan’s words. “You didn’t. I mean, maybe you did, but it’s different from what you’re assuming, I think. It’s… something else.”
Dan looks confused when he says, “What do you mean?”
When Dan asks him the question, Phil still feels a little unsure. He thinks he understands now, at least a little bit better than before, what made him so upset about the whole situation. But really, he thinks maybe he needs to say it out loud, to taste the words on his tongue before he feels confident in them.
“Do you remember, when we started dating? I told you I never felt this way about anyone before?” Phil starts, and he already feels weird and like he wants to draw away and stop talking, but he knows he shouldn’t, knows he should say what’s on his mind.
He takes pride in the way their relationship is built on trust, and he trusts Dan. He knows he does. He knows Dan wouldn’t think he’s silly for feeling a certain way, not really. He knows that he’ll always accept Phil’s thoughts, even if he doesn’t understand them.
“Yeah, Phil, I remember. You know it was the same for me. It still is.”
Phil feels a little squeeze of encouragement to his sides, telling him to keep talking. “I know it is, I don’t doubt it. But… maybe it’s different for me than it is for you.”
The frown on Dan’s face deepens, and Phil wants to reach up and smooth his worries away with his fingers. “It’s not,” Dan says, and Phil tries not to be offended by that.
“But that’s the thing, I think maybe it is.” He tries again, ignoring the little sound of protest coming out of Dan’s mouth. “When you said you wanted to have a threesome it made me feel… I don’t know how to describe it,” he trails off, trying to think of the right words, but Dan speaks again before he has the chance.
“It doesn’t mean that I love you any less Phil. it doesn’t mean I would ever feel what I feel when I’m with you with anyone else. Doesn’t mean I got bored of or… or… whatever it is you think is happening here. It was just an idea, a sexual fantasy. That’s all it was.” He sounds exasperated again, and Phil is still struggling to find a way to say what he thinks in a way that’ll make sense, to the both of them.
“But that’s the thing, I don’t understand that kind of sexual fantasy?” his sentence comes out as more of a question than a statement, and he knows he’s not doing a good job at explaining himself.
“And I told you, if you’re not into it, it’s okay. We will never do something one of us is uncomfortable with.”
“No, I know. It’s not that. It’s that… I don’t understand it.”
“What do you mean?” Dan looks confused again, and more than anything Phil wishes he could transport his thoughts into Dan’s mind without the need to speak. He knows he’s not the most articulate, especially when he’s nervous and wants to say the right thing. The more important it is to him, the less articulate he gets.
“I mean… I can’t imagine wanting someone else to touch me, or wanting to touch someone else. The thought of someone who isn’t you seeing me naked or making noises or…or having any kind of sexual contact with me makes me sick.”
There’s a moment of quiet before Dan lets out a small, “Oh,” but he doesn’t look like he quite understands what Phil means.
“When I say, I never felt like that before I met you, I really mean it. Like, sex was okay, but I never really liked it? I thought I did, I tried to tell myself I did. I thought maybe sex and romantic feelings were something glorified, something people said was amazing when in reality no one really felt anything strong or really good. I thought everyone was pretending a little, like I was.”
Dan says nothing, but his grip on Phil’s sides tightens, his thumbs are drawing little patterns on his hips, so Phil takes a deep breath and continues.
“But when I met you, I felt it. All the things I was supposed to, the things everyone always said they were feeling, the things I always thought were exaggerated. And I thought… I thought it was just the right time. I was always a late bloomer, I thought… I was young, and I was just ready for things I wasn’t ready for before.”
He takes another deep breath, because this is the part that feels the strangest to him, the part he’s the least sure about. “But when you said you wanted to have a threesome… to have someone else in here with us, to touch them and to have them touch us, I couldn’t get it? Like, I know it’s something people do, but I can’t understand it? I mean, I know if I ever wanted someone who isn’t you to touch me, even as an innocent fantasy, you should be worried.”
He’s not sure he phrased himself right. Not sure his words make sense and he repeats them again and again in his head to make sure, until he hears Dan’s tight voice speaks again. “I didn’t know that. Why haven’t you ever said something?”
Phil thinks about it, and really, there’s only one answer that makes sense to him. “I wasn’t hiding it or anything, I just didn’t know myself. I’ve been with you for so many years, since we both were so young, I haven’t gotten the chance to ever think about it.”
Dan looks deep in thought for a moment and Phil can feel his heart beat fast in his chest. Truly, he knows nothing he said today really matters. He and Dan were together for years and his lack of attraction to other people doesn’t really change anything. But still, it feels strange, forbidden to say the words that he’s saying. Like he’s breaking some sort of rule he always lived by.
“You know that for me… it’s not like that, right? When I suggested having someone in here with us, it wasn’t because of some kind of feelings or… or I don’t know. It was purely based on sex, just a physical reaction to something I find a turn on. Nothing else.” He says his words carefully, trying to anticipate Phil’s reaction.
“I know that, I do. Logically. But I guess, because I never felt it like that before, I can’t fully understand it? Not really? I can logically accept it, but I can’t quite comprehend what it means?”
Dan is still looking at him intently, like he’s trying to think of the right thing to say as well. And it makes Phil feel a little better, oddly enough, that they both are not sure what to say.
“But you… you talk about other people as well? About people being hot? Or, attractive?” He doesn’t sound dismissive, or annoyed. He sounds like he’s trying to understand. And Phil’s okay with it. He can answer some questions. At least the ones he’s got an answer for.
“I do find people attractive, objectively. I guess I never knew it wasn’t the way everyone else sees it too? Like, I’ll think someone is good looking, I can appreciate that, but I guess I won’t personally be attracted to them? I always just assumed, I guess, that that’s the way most people feel as well. that the only real attraction was to people you love.”
Dan’s face looks a little bit pained and Phil can hear his thoughts running in full speed in his mind. Going through every conversation, every mutual experience. Phil doesn’t want him to do that, but he also knows that there’s no other way for Dan to process something. “You know I… really love you, right?” he says eventually, squeezing Phil’s sides once more. “Like, I don’t want anyone else, not really.”
And there’s that ‘really’ again that made Phil feel a pit in the bottom of his stomach just the night before. Because for him, there is only one way to want anyone, and it always is real. But now, he can accept it better. It still makes him feel a little strange, still makes him want to question things, but for now, that’s good enough.
“I know you do, I love you too.”
Dan pulls him closer then, one hand leaves his side to cup his cheek, rub his thumb under his tired eyes before leaning in to kiss him on the lips, soft and lingering. And Phil sighs into it, melts under Dan’s touch. He’s not feeling his skin crawl anymore under Dan’s fingers, doesn’t feel the need to get away from him. He feels good, now that he said what he had to say. Now that he’s not alone with his worries anymore.
But just before Phil is about to deepen the kiss, Dan pulls away, a concern look in his eyes that makes Phil’s stomach drop. “You… do you feel sexually attracted to me? Like, do you ever… do things because you think you should, even if you don’t really want to?”
Phil blinks at him with surprise, and he has to stop himself from letting out a nervous laugh. He knows Dan wouldn’t appreciate him laughing at that, but the thought of him not being attracted to Dan feels ridiculous to him, impossible.
He lets his fingers travel to the back of Dan’s head, scratching a little at his scalp. “I’m so incredibly attracted to you Dan, you have no idea. Nothing with you ever felt wrong, or like something I didn’t really want. Everything with you was always right.”
He feels satisfaction in the way pink color spreads from Dan’s cheeks his ears, and Phil moves his fingers to rub Dan’s earlobes so he could feel their warmth, before leaning in and kissing Dan again, this time not letting Dan pull away from him.
(Although, Dan doesn’t seem to mind all that much).
Notes:
hope you liked it guys!! i was thinking about this topic a lot lately and i thought i would share my thoughts in a fic form :)
please tell me if you liked it!! your comments mean everything!
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Dan’s mouth
Phil loved Dan’s mouth. Loved it from the first time he spoke to Dan on skype and saw his lovely pink lips stretch in a shy smile, making his dimple appear on his cheek.
He loved Dan’s mouth when it was open wide and letting out loud barks of laughter, making his face crinkle and his eyes shine and Phil’s chest feel just a bit too tight around the swell of his heart.
He loved the way his mouth could articulate words better than any other mouth, making sounds that had so much more meaning to Phil’s ears than all the other noise he heard around him.
He loved Dan’s mouth on his body, every part of it. Loved his lips against his neck and chest and stomach, sucking and biting and leaving marks, showing the nonexistent audience exactly whose mouth left them there. Loved when his mouth made him pant and moan and gasp, lips wrapped around his cock, sucking and licking eagerly, or tongue licking inside of him in a way Phil never allowed another mouth to do before.
But most of all, Phil loved Dan’s mouth against his own. Loved the taste of it against his tongue and the shape of it against his lips.
Loved when Dan kissed him slowly, lazily, like he had all the time in the world and all he wanted to do with it was press his lovely mouth against Phil’s.
He loved when it pressed against him quickly, just for a peck, because even when they didn’t have time for more, Phil still wanted to feel the warmth of Dan’s mouth against him, even for a quick second.
He loved the way Dan’s mouth kissed him when he was desperate, gasping and biting and licking like he couldn’t get enough, like the only thing his lips and tongue and teeth wanted to do was be as close to Phil as possible.
Phil loved it all, never got tired of it and never took it for granted. Always remembered to thank his lucky stars for having Dan’s mouth, and everything that came with it, for the rest of his life.
And what made it even better was that he knew, without a doubt, that Dan loved Phil’s mouth just as much.
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He Keeps Me Warm
Summary: '“Is this what I have to look forward to from now on? You getting all sappy and gross every time we spend a holiday together?” his lips were only a few centimeters from Phil’s and he could feel the breath coming out of his mouth and he wondered when was the moment he started to crave another person’s breath mixing with his this much.
“Yes.” '
(basically just my take on Dan spending the days leading up to Christmas with the lesters family)
Words: 1505
read on ao3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/13114710
Phil was awake for some time now. He wasn’t sure for how long exactly, his body was still heavy with sleep and the nightstand where his phone was lying felt too far to reach at the moment. But the room was still mostly dark and the chill that stood in the air made him realize it was probably too early to get out of bed.
The room was quiet in a way he was still getting used to. It was always a bit strange for him to spend the night at his parents’ house after a period of time not visiting. Felt unusual not to hear the sounds of sirens and drunk yelling and cars honking from the street below their apartment.
There was a time when he was still getting used to the city sounds. A time when he couldn’t really sleep in the noise and liveliness of the big city, missing the quite of his old bedroom. A time when he was still in his early twenties, just leaving the comfort of his childhood home and moving into his first ‘grown up’ apartment.
He remembers crying back then a lot more than he’d like to admit. Remembers phoning his mum a lot later than was probably appropriate and asking her to talk to him, just for a few minutes. And because his mother was always the best, she did just that without questions, telling him some silly stories about her day in a hushed voice because his father was already asleep, waiting with him on the phone line until his heart rate calmed down. She never mentioning it again the next day, never made him feel weak or childish for needing her. She was useful like that.
He’s just a creature of habit, always had been. Change was hard even when it was welcome and getting used to new things always felt a bit wrong to him until it started feeling right.
But that wasn’t what made him wake up early today. No. It wasn’t the lack of the city noise or the strange environment or the smell of a different fabric softener on the sheets he was sleeping on.
What made him wake up early was the unmistakable feeling of excitement.
Because next to him, unlike previous years, was lying another figure, curled up in the warm duvet, eyes closed and snoring lightly.
And even thought Phil was still pretty tired, still felt his limbs heavy and his eyelids blinking slower than usual, he just didn’t want to miss on this sight. Didn’t want to miss on the sight of Dan, his Dan, warm and familiar and lovely sleeping in the Lester family house just a few days before Christmas.
It made his chest feel tight in the best way and his lips tug upwards with giddiness and made him want to keep staring for as long as he got to because it was new and exciting and he was allowed to be excited by this.
And even though something inside of him was telling him it was supposed to have happened sooner, he didn’t dwell on it too much. It was a bit bittersweet to think about all the times he didn’t have this. All the times he had gone up north for the holidays, spending time with his family but feeling like a big part of it was missing. All the sympathetic looks he used to get from his brother and his girlfriend who always got to spend this time together. All the times he called Dan when the rest the house was silent just to hear his voice and to say how much he missed him, because even though they both knew, he just needed to say it again. Promising each other that next year ‘will be different’, next year ‘I’ll go to yours, I don’t even care.’
But it didn’t matter at that moment. It didn’t because for the first time it was different. For the first time he wasn’t feeling that little bit of jealousy and bitterness combined with the joy of spending Christmas at his parents’ house. For the first time he felt completely content and happy at this time of year.
And yeah, maybe they weren’t going to spend Christmas day together, but honestly, it didn’t matter. It was good enough, progress enough, and right now Phil was too happy and pleased to ask for more.
They’ll get there, at some point. For the first time in years he had no doubt about it.
Dan stirred, as if he could feel the intense grin Phil was pointing his way, smacking his lips a bit in his sleep.
And it felt a bit silly, how choked up he got at that moment, seeing Dan’s small sleep movements right there beside him, two days before Christmas.
He moved forward, scooting closer to Dan so that every feature would be visible to him even without his glasses.
So he could see the red spot on Dan’s cheek that in the early morning light looked a bit darker than usual. So he could see the way his lips were a bit parted because even though he was feeling better his nose was still a bit stuffy from that cold he was battling. So he could see all those things he already got memorized years and years ago but somehow felt new and different and wonderful all of a sudden.
“Please stop staring at me you creep,” Dan mumbled, eyes still closed and not moving an inch from Phil.
And Phil giggled, or maybe he sobbed. He wasn’t too sure because the noise was a little hysterical in his ears and made Dan open his eyes and look at him with confusion.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, and the crease between his eyebrows just made Phil want to let out another cry because it was all so familiar an yet it wasn’t and Dan was here, with him, two days before Christmas, and it all felt a bit surreal.
He didn’t though, because nothing was wrong and he didn’t have a way to explain to Dan how emotional he was feeling about this without getting teased for the next decade. So he shook his head instead, leaning forward to kiss between Dan’s eyebrows, and then both his cheeks and his nose and jaw, finally cupping his face in his hands and connecting their lips.
Dan kissed back, sleepy and confused and lazy but he still reached out to pull Phil closer by the waist, letting his cold hands push lightly up Phil’s T shirt, making Phil yelp a bit from the feeling.
“What’s gotten into you?” Dan asked once they pulled away, eyes already closing again but not letting go of Phil’s waist, instead pulling him even closer, sneaking his knee in between Phil’s and not even reacting when Phil glided his cold feet up and down his shins.
“Just love you,” Phil mumbled, and it came out a bit more emotional than he intended, but he couldn’t really find it in himself to care.
Dan opened his eyes again, trying to give him a pointed look but his eyes were still unfocused and the end result was just too adorable for Phil to handle in his current state.
“What did you do?” he asked.
“Nothing! Can’t I just love you?” Phil retorted, and he was pretty sure the huge, fond smile on his face made it all too clear to Dan just how much he meant it.
Dan searched his face again with his eyes, trying to hide his growing smile but being betrayed once again by his truth telling dimple.
He shuffled closer then, squeezing Phil’s sides and rubbing his nose against Phil’s a few times.
“Is this what I have to look forward to from now on? You getting all sappy and gross every time we spend a holiday together?” his lips were only a few centimeters from Phil’s and he could feel the breath coming out of his mouth and he wondered when was the moment he started to crave another person’s breath mixing with his this much.
“Yes.”
Dan chuckled, closing the distance between them one more time to leave a sweet kiss against his lips.
“Argh, so annoying,” he whispered but his voice was fond and warm and Phil ducked his head to hide in Dan’s warm neck.
“You love it really,” Phil said, feeling Dan’s hands moving up his shirt once again and drawing lazy patterns on the skin.
“I love you. Your sappiness, on the other hand, I’m willing to endure.”
Phil kissed his neck, reaching his hand above his head to tangle in Dan’s messy curls.
“I can live with that,” he said, but Dan’s breath was slowing down again and his hold on Phil’s body weakening and Phil decided that he was okay to stay like this for a few more hours.
Warm and pressed close together to the person he loved the most and just… happy.
Notes:
i'm a bit emotional about the whole thing, can you tell?
anyway thank you for reading!! please leave a comment with your thoughts as those always make me super happy :)
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