#oversharing on tumblr is my form of therapy
Text
venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh
i really wish i had a therapist
I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was
I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future
Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.
Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.
Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.
I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.
In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.
Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.
Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.
Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.
I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.
A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.
Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye
#/end rant#oversharing on tumblr is my form of therapy#if u read the whole thing pls like the post cuz it helps me feel less alone#or just ignore me either one is perfectly fine don’t waste ur time with this#i think this is a result of pmdd symptoms but still it feels real and heavy even if this feeling will eventually go away#only to return a month later and the cycle repeats for eternity
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
warning for a clearly anxiety-ridden oversharing freakout below the cut. sorry. i’m too sensitive and i’m unfortunately acutely aware of it.
tldr; im being a drama queen. gonna take a tumblr break for a week or two. to my mutuals, feel free to dm for my insta. i’ll be active until i wake up tomorrow morning and then i’m gonna zip
gonna preface this by saying this is in no way directed to the people whom i actually talk to constantly on here like you lot were lovely and im just dealing with a lot of demons in my head :(
anyway. sometimes i feel more like a product manufacturer than a person on here. and idk. i know most of you guys are really just following me for gifs and content and whatever but. yeah. idk. i guess the things i say don’t matter to anyone unless it’s funny. or if people want to call me out. not that im mad abt that exactly btw i do appreciate when people respectfully call me out for my own mistakes but. sometimes. i feel like im in a fishbowl and you’re all just waiting for me to say something wrong and cancel me. or then again, maybe most of you already think im a shit person and you just stay for the gifs. or maybe you guys think i’m a loser who has nothing to do but spend all day on this goddamn website.
and i know, somewhere inside me, that that’s not true and that it’s clearly the anxiety talking. maybe it’s just me maybe i’m making this up in my head i dunno. but i’m just kinda tired right now. too tired to battle the anxiety like usual at least. and i don’t really feel wanted outside of the content i produce, beyond the notes of my gifs or my fun posts. which ik shouldn’t matter but. i’m a pathological people pleaser etc etc.
(god, seeing this all typed out, i can’t even fucking blame you guys if you actly don’t like me cause. i kinda wanna shake myself by the shoulders and tell myself get a grip girl the world doesn’t revolve around you shut up shut up shut your damn mouth—)
i’ve been trying to manage by unfollowing and blocking a few people (which btw, if i did that to you and we used to be mutuals, it’s probably nothing personal i mostly just kept people i’m a bit closer to). but i’m still not really settled. and considering how i’m posting like every other day about feeling like shit, you guys probably figured that out lmao.
and well. on a separate note. seeing that rat’s name alone is too much for me sometimes. i couldn’t watch his game with carlos. i spent hours in his match with daniil turned away from the television, wearing noise canceling headphones while trying (and failing) to talk myself down from a full blown anxiety attack. i’ve said this before but the way people talk about him, both the fucked up silence and the justified outrage, it reminds me way too much about a family problem i have right now. hits uncomfortably close to home. prior to this i kinda thought i’d made my peace with the whole family situation but no apparently not. had he won the semis, i wasn’t even sure if i would be able to stomach cheering for jannik if it meant having to watch that man play.
so. idk. between the way actual tennis has been making me feel and the way tennisblr in general has seemed for me lately, i figure i need some space.
long story short ive been spending way too much time on tumblr this ao. and its gotten really bad for my mental health i guess. so i think i need to take maybe a week or two, to clear my head. watch tennis without opening this app every other point. spend time with people i love. get back to therapy. try to be a functioning adult.
(this is so fucking dramatic for a goddamn week of no tumblr i know that and i want to smack myself upside the head because why am i like this why do i make things snowball why why why—)
anyway. yeah. that’s it. if you actually read through all of that then. thanks. if not it’s okay too.
to my mutuals, the ones whom i’ve had at least some form of friendly interaction with in replies or dms, you can ask for my insta account btw. not that i’m crazy active on there but like. if you guys wanna be friends beyond the anonymity of this yknow. no pressure though.
#sorry to get all sad again#been editing this on my drafts all day#ive not been in a good headspace lately#*
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel like oversharing on this fine friday morning abt whats going on in my life. if you read this, thank you 💖 i know we tumblr gays are all going Through It at any given moment, and the solidarity has always helped me cope
(TW suicide) (with details)
last week my grandfather on my mothers side killed himself by jumping out the 12th story window of their apartment building in russia. he'd been fighting esophageal cancer for approximately 4 years. he was 70 years old. he definitely had some issues, some trauma or mental health struggles, you know, SOMETHING, that led him to excessive drinking and smoking for the vast majority of his life. like, he wouldnt have had cancer if he actually took care of himself you know? its his vices / coping mechanisms that caused it. and once he started getting treated, he didnt have it in him to change his lifestyle to make the treatments worth anything.... he continued on drinking and smoking and eating sugar by the spoon (another cause of the cancer is poor diet) and even insisted that he would die if he gave up any of those things. id get in trouble if i used the "alcoholic" word around my family but they were watering down his wine behind his back when my parents visited in 2021. like come on. and even at 70, he still outlived all of his siblings, all of which died from alcoholism related causes afaik. he just... he was clearly suffering, and in classic russian fashion, he kept everything bottled up forever, never made any effort to get better, and one day when sitting down to do his bills he decided you know what, i dont want to do this anymore.
thats what happens when you dont address problems!!!!
obviously its heartbreaking but its also incredibly frustrating for me. i was super suicidal as a teenager and my mother did NOT take it seriously, she told me that it was "normal" and everyone experiences it (including her). now in retrospect i understand that she was trying to help me and comfort me, that that thought must have helped her, but like. its not normal... and its pretty fucked up that ive been suicidal, my mother has been suicidal, and now my grandpa (her dad) killed himself. he fucking killed himself!!!! what the fuck!! and i continue to be the ONLY PERSON in my ENTIRE FAMILY who tries to seek help through medication and therapy and just like, at least fucking acknowledge that we have hereditary fucking issues in the form of trauma and mental illness.... its just a mess.
and of course my mother and grandmothers top concern is What If Hes Not In Heaven. cause suicide is a sin. cause thats what we should be focused on ?!?!? sigkapfilwkflamcnwgkqj . it makes me want to scream.
ive just been surrounded by suicide my whole goddamn life and i wish it would end. my close friend attempted when i was 15 and i had no fucking clue what to do. multiple others i was close to at school were struggling with similar thoughts and urges, including myself. we were all desperately trying to hold eachother together, you know? far too much to handle for a bunch of kids. and then i went to uni, and my new friends there had similar issues, and in 2nd year, one of them did kill themself. they took their fathers gun and they shot themself in the head. and did my mother help me feel better? only until i mentioned suicide. once that was out there, there was ZERO sympathy, just judgement, and dismissal of their struggles. which really, really hurt me. because they were trans, and they couldnt handle how harsh this world is towards us, and obviously i really related to that sentiment.
like, i understand my grandpa too. i dont... i dont blame him personally? i dont even really blame my mother personally, when it comes to these kinds of issues. sometimes i will get mad at her about specific interactions but at the end of the day its russian society that made both of them this way. its so deeply ingrained. i just wish i could have helped my grandpa and i wish i could help my mama now but i cant. i can barely help myself.
and ive had to take time off work because i cant fucking focus and i just keep crying all the time and my brain is a foggy mess. and i dont know how to keep going. when will i feel better? i need to get back to work. will i be able to do that??
when my friend died... well, i call them my friend, but we were not close or anything. they were one of my good friend's roommates. we did talk occasionally and were on friendly terms. it just feels wrong to say "acquaintance" or something like that. i didnt process their death in a very timely manner. its weird but common, i think. about 2 years after it happened i started getting triggered by any content with suicide by gun. surprisingly common in media lol. folks love to hold a gun to their head on tv!! (side note: first movie i ever watched with my now fiancee, it was get out and when the guy shoots himself suddenly at the end i had a full blown fucking meltdown lmaooooooo so embarrassing it was like our 3rd date and the night of our first kiss)
idk why it took 2 years for that to start happening, i guess that was just my processing time. and then it took another two years or so to sort that out in therapy and im finally okay again and i can watch stuff with guns and suicide and not freak out. but now im scared of how this thing with my grandpa is going to affect me and how long thats going to last. i just want some peace and quiet :(
if u read all that, thank u. maybe give this a like to let me know. ive been deleting my vent posts a lot lately so idk if i will keep this up. my friends have been lovely and supportive, theres just not much anyone can really say to make it better. so it feels more comfortable to do a massive vent post like this thats optional to engage with. and ive always aired out my personal business on here so it feels right hehe.
1 note
·
View note
Text
The feminine urge to post every media you consume.
Except tumblr and snapchat I deleted every social media I had. I didn’t realize how hard it is for me to not post until I felt bad. All the time I feel the need to either post all my thoughts and concerns or at least post every song I just relate to in the moment which is twisted because I have anxiety and it’s gone really bad in the last months so I don’t know where this urge to overshare comes from. What I do know though is that everything I post, or at least everything I want to post until I get insecure, is always with the subconscious thought of wanting him to see it. I want people to see me as the version of myself I try to become. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to change myself. Just wanna outgrow my bad habits, get confident, more intelligent and smarter. In a perfect world I’d be seen as the intelligent confident social-critical reflective alternative-without-really-trying-to-be feminist I wanna grow into. I am in therapy and well my therapist says I have good chances to beat the toxic traits and coping mechanisms I’m fighting with. I don’t think I’m the only young woman who always feels the need to post the media I consume and my feelings (e.g. in form of songs you listen to). I feel like many young women want to do this. Some more; some less. But I’m sure it’s mostly the mentally ill ones. Well we are taught that our whole identity is defined by the aesthetic we express so no wonder we feel the need to post the books we read and the artists we listen to. So yeah, I am currently trying to live without social media until I don’t feel so anxious anymore but instead more mature, know my self worth and understand more about social views and how to overcome these.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Since twt might be gone sooner than my questionable eating habits will be, I'm making a new tumblr so I can screech about how much everything sucks and how much I ate and shouldn't have.
Hi, I'm Kat. I have a bad relationship with my body and self, dead mommy issues, and a plethora of past traumas that make people concerned as to how I'm functioning. As a result i don't know how to feed myself properly or form proper friendships and romances and instead like to overshare on the internet.
Let me be very clear that I don't promote this "lifestyle." It fucking sucks. But I can't afford therapy and this is how I cope. No, I'm not here for any "hard" side of the 3D community. I'm not openly sharing tips, bullying others, or any of that. I support recovery for those that are ready or able to go that path. I'm just trying to figure out how to like myself, my dudes.
1 note
·
View note
Text
he thinks hes real powerful but its gonna be fucking hilarious when i need my laptop to have wifi for school
#thats the only pro of online school#honestly ill just stop doing chores if it means i dont gotta do school. i have so many books and so much paper#they cant take away walking to the library either#dont rb#but in all seriousness. im literally doing all i can while sleeping 15 hours a day and trying to keep up with my social life on a fucking-#-phone#if he wants more from me hes gonna have to take away literally every form of human contact i have and he will regret that if he does it.#because im already so far isolated from like. seeing people face to face and shit that im getting a little weird and its not good#summer isnt good for me. online school makes ir feel eternal. having easy access to youtube where i can hear real people talking and tumblr-#-where i can interact with people keeps me fucking alive because i sure as hell dont have therapy yet.#uh is that oversharing#personal#ask to tag
1 note
·
View note
Note
B, P, R
HELLO thank u
B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?
this is a complicated question for me personally. all of my writing is inspired by personal experience because that’s cheaper than therapy but not in such a way as i am too direct in writing about myself because that’s weird (as in, it feels weird to me - people who write self-insert OCs are valid because everyone has their own unique relationship to creative expression so nobody harass them). like, ok, this is gonna sound pretty fuckin pretentious but if i really want to resonate with a character, i have to understand something about them or their arc on a personal level - this one has a dead parent, that one is asexual, etc etc
but it’s too weird for any single story or character to have TOO much in common with mine own personal experience because 1. that feels weirdly revealing or like i’m oversharing and 2. then they stop being them because they’re busy being me. i spend 24/7 with myself, why on earth would i want to do that, better to spend some time with jesse turner or steve rogers or whatever
so the solution is to play the shuffle game and swap stuff around. like ok the funniest example i can remember is one time i wrote a fic where derek hale was asexual. but his experience of asexuality was too close to mine, so i altered some things, and one of the things i altered was that he’s down to smooch. i, meanwhile, think kissing is one of the humanity’s worst inventions, up there with the atom bomb and pay-to-win phone games - so then derek is derek and i am me and there’s Boundaries, because that’s how i like it
i think, though, that i would have a very difficult time writing something or working with a character with whom i can’t relate to via personal experiences…so in a way everything i’ll ever write is an autobiography. rip
P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)
i’m what george martini would call PRODUCTIVE. that shithead can’t finish one lousy book when he makes more money than god to do it and i can sit down and write 6k in a single day or 55k in a month for FREE, and he still has the AUDACITY to call fanfic writers lazy? EXCUSE ME? that asshole can eat me. maybe if he wasn’t so busy talking shit he’d have time to finish that chapter he’s working on
anyway, my deep and everlasting hatred of george mars rover aside: i am a RIGID outliner. i make a general outline and then i make a scene by scene outline and then when i get to the scene i’m working on i jot down the conversation/action beats ahead of time - in my humble opinion, this makes for less plot mistakes, less rewriting, and best of all, a better first draft, because your outlines were kind of your first draft. i’m not saying my shit couldn’t do with more drafts but i absolutely fucking hate editing so it’s nice to be able to get by with the first one
R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?
YAH as a kid/teen i really liked joan bauer and david lubar, and of course i owe shigeru miyamoto and eiji aonuma my life (they do most of the story work for the zelda series, i think) - now that i’m older, most of my #influences are fanfic writers - i’m v privileged to be able to follow the work of people like @loquaciousquark and drop-deaddream (no longer a real tumblr rip lol) and @ipoiledi (pour one out!!) and @netraptor (wont let me tag…rip) and some mysterious person on ao3 named strange_estrangement, and of course most of all WHO WOULD I EVEN BE AS A WRITER without @callowyn, whomsts skills i have admired as long as i’ve known her…cowriting w/ cally has been absolutely formative. i had a lot more favorite authors back in the day, but since delicious got taken down i lost basically everything that ever existed before ao3 and now i don’t remember any author or fanfic names :(
(fanfic meme, send questions if u want)
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
stray observation
It is astounding to me just how much of a child’s life people I know that are now parents share on a constant, daily basis online. I don’t mean that in a oversharing kind of way either. It’s like all of these social media platforms and iPhones have become huge scrapbooks. I treat my Tumblr like that. I’ve had this account for 10 years (!) and I can see myself change in posts over the years. Digression aside, what I’m getting at is that my parents didn’t do anything like what we see on social media now when I was a kid. There are maybe 100 or less photos of me as a child. There’s entire baby books for a few of my brothers that have maybe 5 pages filled out. I don’t know if I actually want a lot of information about me as a kid floating around, but I think it would be neat to know some of my childhood milestones. I feel like the biggest gray area* is when I was in first grade and my mom had a stroke. (We went to physical therapy for a year after and she made a full recovery.) I literally have no memory, and very little photographic evidence, of who I was during this time. The only indicator was my parents signing me up for a pen pal program the next year because I had been so withdrawn and quiet for so long. It was a good experience, but again no pictures... just writing. Letters. Maybe that’s the better form of expression because I do have a “scrapbook” of sorts made out of those letters and cards from that year.
*My second biggest gray area are the days after 9/11. I genuinely can’t remember anything about the days after it happened. This happened on a Tuesday and I have no recollection of the rest of the week spent in school or at home.
1 note
·
View note
Text
so i made a post on reddit bc i go on there sometimes and overshare to people as a form of therapy bc if people don’t like it they can just ignore it bc there’s a ton of shit on there
but it got a lot of votes and it’s very controversial?
like ppl are straight up assuming things about me and I’m scared and that’s why i deleted my account and only rly use tumblr
#ppl always say tumblr is a warzone#but like#have you seen reddit?#or twitter?#or fuck even facebook#who tf even uses facebook anymore
0 notes
Text
I’ve began looking at Carl Rogers and his theory about the ideal self and the actual self. I want to apply these theories to social media today and if it encourages a sense of congruence or incongruence? I’m exploring this in my FYP but I also wish to work with it in my studio practice.
Here’s some writing I did on all that:
American psychologist, Carl Rogers developed a theory around the “ideal self” and the “true self”. The ideal self is considered to be one’s aspirations for the future whilst the “true self” aligns with one’s actual behaviour (Rogers, 1951). This is further supported by Edward Tory Higgins in 1987 as he distinguishes between the “actual”, “ideal” and “ought” self. (Higgins, 1987) The less of a distinction between all of these “selves”, the closer one becomes to a state of “self-actualization” (Rogers, 1951).
I’m exploring the “ideal self” in this context in relation to Post-Internet culture and social media use.
By referring to a culture that’s “Post-Internet” I am discussing contemporary culture as the internet becomes increasingly banal and integrated into society; when the internet is less a novelty and more a banality (McHugh, 2011).
The definition of “the ideal self” versus the “true self” is somewhat of an abstract one in regards to it’s portrayal on social media. Studies found that individuals are more likely to express their “true selves” online (John A. Bargh, 2002). Somewhat like the “stranger on a train” concept, because of anonymity one can be freed of expectations and judgement that they may face in their social circle as well as the facing of consequences and backlash is reduced greatly. This is why “trolling” is more popular in the comment section of YouTube than it is on Facebook.
The ideal self is also a concept which varies depending on the social media site. On Instagram, posts depicting a life of luxury and beauty is the type of content that receives the most attention. Whilst on Twitter and Tumblr, a left-wing, socially conscious persona deems the most popular. This leads to people constructing versions of themselves depending on the space they’re inhabiting, calculating the type of response and adopting a persona based on this. Many people’s idea of their “ideal self” is becoming someone who’s well received by their followers rather than their peers they meet on a day to day basis.
Identity
Identities are produced, consumed and regulated within culture - creating meanings through symbolics systems of representation about the identity positions we might adopt. (Woodward, 1997)
Identity is often contested whether it’s something that’s definitive and core to an individual rather than being fluid and ever-changing. The former theory has described identity as consisting of a “clear, authentic set of characteristics” (Woodward, 1997) However, this is often contested as being merely a social construct and cultural theorist, Stuart Hall discusses identity as something malleable and in flux. (Hall, 1990)
Identity and Social Media
Because participation in social media always involves some forms of social interaction and communication [27, 131], social media users’ decision to participate depends not only on personal factors but also on their conceptions of themselves that originate from other members within the social media site (ZHAO PAN, 2017)
Ryan Trecartin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJeMKUl6xI4
“A lot of people will talk now and sort of just sculpt out a space but they don’t really say anything but you sort of understand what they’re saying just because people are good at reading vibes now. But when you really look at it you’re like “what the hell, that person did not say anything”.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZyHiFvbFJE kylie jenner “realising stuff”
Most of Trecartin’s films were made in a “pre-Kardashian” world, a time when social media was less prevalent than it is today yet he aptly portrays characters that are obsessed with being filmed, oversharing and can often just seem nonsensical much of the time. The low-fi aesthetic consisting of tacky 3D graphics and transitions is reminiscent of amateur YouTube videos highlighting the sense of accessibility and short attention span that's so prevalent in internet culture. Something that is far more prominent today than it was when his films were made.
Recently, Trecartin has actually began working with models that rose to prominence as a direct result of social media, Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid. ‘Placebo Pets’ was shot for W magazine as part of their “10th anniversary art issue”
https://www.wmagazine.com/story/placebo-pets-how-kendall-jenner-and-gigi-hadid-became-humanoid-creatures-for-w
Listing our interests, joining groups, and playing games on Facebook; sharing and tagging photos on Flickr; sharing our thoughts, ideas, and experiences on blogs; and following, being followed, and tweeting on Twitter are not only ways of expressing ourselves, they are new ways to reflect on who we are, offering new kinds of social mirrors for understanding ourselves.
In short, how we present ourselves (and by extension, who we “are”) depends a great deal on context; where we are, whom we are with, and what we are doing, among many other factors.
http://krex.k-state.edu/dspace/bitstream/handle/2097/6302/WeschEME2009.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y
Higgins, E. T., 1987. Self Discrepancy: A Theory Relating Self and Affect. Psychological Review, Volume 94.
John A. Bargh, K. Y. M. G. M. F., 2002. Can you See the Real Me? Activation and Expression of the "True Self" on the Internet. The Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues, Volume 58, pp. 33-48.
McHugh, G., 2011. Post Internet: Notes on the Internet and Art. 1st ed. s.l.:LINK Editions.
Rogers, C., 1951. Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications and theory. s.l.:Hachette UK.
Hall, S. (1990). Cultural Identity and Diaspora. 1st ed. London: Lawrence and Wishart, pp.222-237.
Woodward, K. (1997). Identity and Difference. 1st ed. Sage Publications Ltd, p.11.
ZHAO PAN, Y. L. (2017). Who Do You Think You Are? Common and Differential Effects of Social Self-Id. Journal of Management Information Systems, 73.
0 notes
Text
Being Honest Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Myself
I’m writing this post to be honest, because I feel that unless I’m reasonably transparent, I won’t be able to feel connected with you. And if I don’t trust you, you won’t be able to trust me. And although I do trust you, I am walking the line of oversharing so I’m sorry if this is too much and there’s a strong chance I will delete this in future as suits. Just as a warning to you all, I wrote this at 5AM when I was still pretty pissed and holding back tears so it isn’t beautifully written, I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry if my posting this upsets you or makes you angry but please don’t take it out on me, posting this and writing this was very difficult. Also, for those of you for whom it’s relevant, trigger warnings: anxiety, depression, suicide, bereavement.
So in the past few months, my entire life has completely changed. I’ve been unwell for quite some time (over a year,) suffering from severe depression and a generalised anxiety disorder. This has obviously been very difficult but I’ve been seeking help through cognitive behavioural therapy and medication (specifically sertraline, an SSRI) and this has allowed me to mostly mask my symptoms and go about life as normal. I wasn’t happy (in reality, I hated myself and everything about my life) but I was able to give the impression of someone who had his life together. I was Head Boy, I was getting good grades, I had friends.
This all changed about three months ago, when the decision was taken to change my medication from sertraline to fluoxetine. Neither of these drugs are licensed for use in patients under-18 due to a strongly observed link between SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and suicidal ideation. The transfer to the new drug was difficult as it meant that I was essentially without any chemical support for my brain in the interim. It was just me running the shop and although that was in some sense freeing, it also led to me feeling very low and demotivated and it led to my schoolwork getting out of control. Coursework was forgotten, homework was late, classwork was, as my history teacher said, “shit”. Essentially, just getting out of bed in the morning was such a challenge that anything above that was impossible. And then began the spiral. I was depressed so I couldn’t do work so I was failing so I was depressed so I couldn’t do work… And so on. I was very rapidly losing control of everything.
And then there’s the suicidal ideation I’d mentioned. At first, I was fine. But about two weeks into the new medication, although my depression had been getting worse anyway, I started to get very genuine thoughts of suicide. I had thought about not wanting to live before but never before had I seriously entertained the idea of taking some action to end my own life. And before I knew it, I was making plans, buying pills, writing notes. And the worst thing was, because my doctor had never told me about these risks, I had no idea why I was feeling this way. Everything felt genuine. It wasn’t a chemical imbalance that was making me think that I should kill myself, it was a good idea. I had no reason to live so I should just end it all.
And then there’s the social aspect of things. I was very lucky to have a circle of friends I could rely on and who cared about me very deeply. The issue was, I didn’t appreciate them and I didn’t appreciate how lucky I was to have them. Without going into detail, I acted in an unforgivable way towards them and they took the (correct) decision to cut me off for their own good. I tried to blame it on my illness but I can’t do that. Me being ill doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me anxious but that can’t translate to my actions, that’s all on me and although I initially felt very hurt, I see now with greater clarity that I must carry the whole blame for the many friendships that people have been left with no choice but to dissolve. That’s very sad and I’m still having a hard time adjusting to it but I still love those people and I’m glad they’re taking the right decision so that they can be happy. I’d give anything to change how I acted but what’s done is done and I’m glad that they’re happy. And I’m glad that this has taught me a lesson, that I should value my friends and never act harmfully towards them.
So all of these things left me in a really bad situation. I was severely depressed, my schoolwork was in a terrifying state, I was really suicidal and, through my own fault, I had nobody to turn to. Then, on that same day where everything fell apart, a close family member died. This shook me to my core. Naturally I was grieving but I also had to step up to support my mum in a really difficult time, simply making things harder to me in my already fragile state. My awful situation led me to the care of the child and adolescent mental health services crisis team, who changed my medication back to sertraline, gave me sleeping tablets to help me overcome my exhaustion and visited me daily to make sure I hadn’t topped myself. The NHS gets a bad reputation but the care I received was first class, they supported me so thoroughly from the early days when I was walking the line between life and death right through to my discharge.
So what have I been up to over the last few weeks? I haven’t been going to sixth form, it had all become too much and I had other things to deal with so a break was sadly necessary. I’m in a lucky position of having an unconditional offer so even though this will severely negatively impact my grades, I will be okay in the long term. I’ve been taking my medication daily and this has really begun to help. Simply stopping the fluoxetine has eliminated the suicidal thoughts and has returned me to my depressed but stable state. I’ve been planning a funeral, supporting my family and grieving a loved one. I’ve been trying to keep up with the two or three friends I haven’t turned away through my awful behaviour. I’ve been trying to revise economics (sod history and maths, I’ll fail anyway.)
So this leaves me at the end of March, ready to start to get back to normal. My schoolwork is ruined and I’m not sure what the consequences will be for that but I’m hoping I’ll survive. I’m starting to heal after a bereavement and although it will take time, I can now deal with things far better. I’m starting to get better, through medication and therapy. And most importantly, things are starting to look up. One day, I won’t be depressed. This September, I will go to uni and all will be well. One day, I’ll meet new people and have the time of my life. Next month, I’ll celebrate my 18th and get absolutely smashed. And one day, I’ll meet the boy/girl/other of my dreams and life will be good. Things suck now but having that perspective and not wanting to die all the time makes things far more palatable. And it’s what’s going to keep me going for now.
I still hate a lot of things about myself. I hate my past, I hate how I impact people, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act. I’ve pretty much ruined most aspects of my life, socially and academically. That’s left me in a really awful situation but there’s no hiding the fact that it’s my own fault. It’s hell, honestly. I can’t ever stop thinking about it and it hurts like hell. But I deserve it all and although it is painful, I know I will be able to move forward eventually.
But, vitally, I don’t hate who I am. I know I am more than who I have been in the past. I know I am capable of going forwards and being a good person. I love the person I’m capable of being and for the time being, that’s good enough.
One last thing, and this is really important and it’s the reason I’m making this post. Sharing this stuff isn’t easy but I’m doing it to show that it is IMPORTANT TO SPEAK UP WHEN YOU ARE STRUGGLING. Don’t be like me. Don’t lie to people that you’re okay. Don’t hurt your friends. Don’t keep quiet if you’re feeling suicidal. Mental healthcare in the U.K. is lacking but there are still resources available to help you, you just need to be very brave and reach out. Speak to your family, speak to your friends, speak to your teachers, speak to your GP. If you’re in immediate danger of harming yourself, call the Samaritans or go to A&E. You deserve help and you do not deserve to feel like I did. It isn’t easy, I know that. But please, please, please don’t make the same mistakes I did.
If you have any questions about my blog post, feel free to just ask on Tumblr. My asks will be open. ❤
0 notes
Text
Do you sit on the couch or the floor? I never sit on the floor as to me that would be extremely uncomfortable. I’ve actually been spending most of my time on an air mattress we have in the living room. I have to be on bed rest as much as I can, and so my parents put this out here for me so I don’t have to be in my room all day if I don’t want to.
How many different colleges have you gone to? I went to community college and then UC.
How much stress can you handle? Not much. I get stressed out and overwhelmed too easily.
What is something you have to do before you go to sleep every night? I listen to ASMR videos until I fall asleep.
How confident are you in achieving your dreams? You see, the problem is that I don’t have any dreams to chase. I don’t feel ambitious or driven at all. :/
Do you ever get tired of all the army stuff you see all over the place? I don’t see it all over the place, but no I wouldn’t get tired of it. I have the utmost respect for our troops.
What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I didn’t envision me wasting away and not doing anything at all after I got my degree. I didn’t imagine my health taking over the way it has.
Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? No.
At what point in your life do you think you will be truly happy? Will I ever be?
Do you ever make pictures or shapes out of the markings in the ceilings? I probably have done that at some point.
Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? I know that I am. My life is very routine. A lot of people would find resting, sleeping, Tumblring, reading, and watching TV all day to be rather boring. I like the simplicity and routine in some ways as I wouldn’t want drama or anything like that, and those activities are things I do enjoy doing, but at the same time I could use some fun and good change.
Would you rather things be predictable or unpredictable? I like having some routine, but at the same time it would be nice to switch it up now and then. In a good way, that is. I don’t need any more of life’s curve balls.
Do you really think money will buy your, or anyone else’s, happiness? It would reduce the financial burden that causes a lot of stress for my family, which in turn would be a huge relief. It would allow us to travel and do things we enjoy. All of that is great. It would bring bouts of happiness, sure. Distractions. It would be trying to fill the void with materialistic items and trips. However, it doesn’t make everything else go away. At the end of the day while you’re lying out on your fancy boat or in a hotel room in a beautiful foreign country, you’re still left with your thoughts. It’s like when you’re out with friends or significant other and you are enjoying your time, laughing, and feel okay in that moment. Then you come home and it all comes crashing back when you’re alone again. It was a temporary distraction. I would still have my chronic health problems. I would still have my loneliness and my negative, pessimistic way of thinking. I would still feel like the failure that I am. Things could seem like they’re going well, but that voice in your head doesn’t shut up. Sorry to be so negative, but there’s just things that money can’t buy.
Do you think you will die happy? No.
Is shopping a form of therapy for you? Nope.
Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? Yes.
Do you believe it is possible for someone to change? Well, yes of course. If they want to change that is. It has to be for them. Even then they likely will stumble and relapse, but that doesn’t mean they can never change. It’s a work in progress. A daily thing.
What is your favorite food to snack on when watching t.v.? My favorite go-to in general is chips and dip.
Do you like looking at pictures? I like through old photos. Like from when I was younger.
Have you ever set 2 people up and it actually worked out? I’ve never set anyone up.
Are you good at persuading? I don’t know how persuasive I am. Guess it depends.
Are you a submissive person? Yes.
Do you think the professional personality tests are bogus? Well, they’re subjective for the most part. It can be hard to measure some of that stuff.
Do you believe everyone should learn another language while still a child? I mean, no not necessarily. However, that would be the best time to do it and it could be useful later on. Children’s brains are like sponges; they’re able to absorb information more easily.
How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? I don’t feel any kind of way. Not something I feel strongly about either way.
Do you care what people think? Too much.
How many dirty looks have you received today? Zero. I haven’t gone anywhere. I’ve only seen my mom and aunt so far today, and neither one of them gave me a dirty look.
If a loved one who’d died showed up at your door, what would you do? Okay I would be freaking out for one thing because that’s not something that happens. Ever. You would never expect to see someone come back from the dead, so it would be shocking to say the least. I’d be in total shock and disbelief. I’d be hesitant and wonder if it was really them, if I was dreaming, etc. Once that set in, I would probably start sobbing and hug them.
Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I don’t know what to think about mediums and such. I can’t help but feel like it’s something evil posing as your loved one, and then it opens a door you don’t want opened. However, I do believe in signs. It’s comforting, and I’ve experienced it. I also like to think they’re watching over you.
How many times have you looked at a picture and wished you were there? I can’t put a number on it, but it happens sometimes.
What is the most consecutive miles you have ran? Zero miles.
Are there any words you absolutely hate? Yes. I cannot stand p***y and c**t. I do not say either one, ever.
How many picture messages have you received? Ever? I have absolutely no idea.
Sent? Again, I have no idea. That is over a span of years of being able to send and receive picture messages.
Did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more? The last person.
What is your favorite pair of shoes that you own? I wear my black and white Converse most often, but I love my pairs of boots and my white Nikes as well.
One person people think you look similar to? My mom.
Who is the most recent addition to your contacts? I don’t know. I haven’t added a new number in a long time.
Are tongue piercings slutty? No?
What is the worst physical pain you have ever felt? Recovery after all the surgeries I’ve had. The two back surgeries and the one I had a few years back on one of my intestines was absolutely brutal.
What is the fourth picture on your phone? I’m not checking.
What is the worst thing about winter? Winter is one of my favorite seasons, next to fall. I love it. However, this winter has been especially cold for us it feels like. Not in comparison to people on the east coast and midwest, but for us it’s been really cold. I am cold all. the. time.
Where do you order your pizza? Lately it’s been Domino’s because one opened up near our house, and my dad is obsessed. We also a few local pizza places that we get now and then as well.
Do you think you would lose some friends if you gained 100 pounds? My friends aren’t my friends because of what I weigh or how I look. That would be really, really shitty.
Last cuss word you said? I think an F-bomb.
Do you usually say too much or too little? I can definitely get carried away and overshare on these surveys as you guys know. I say too much sometimes. In “real life” I say too little. I hold back a lot, and I downplay a lot. I should be saying more sometimes.
Lyrics to the song you are listening to: I'm not listening to a song.
Two things you are tired of: My health, my life.
What tv show do you wish your life was most like? I can’t think of one.
What person of the opposite sex makes you laugh most? I don’t know. Probably my younger brother.
Best purchase you ever made? I bought my first Macbook, and that was definitely the best purchase I had ever made. It lasted me a long time, and I was so excited to be able to buy one for myself.
Do you have pictures up in your room? I have a photo of me and my doggie, my Brandie girl, on my bulletin board. I bought a cute frame that I will be putting another photo of her in as well. Other than that, I have a few other things hung up but that’s the only one of me or of anything personal. The rest are pictures/posters I bought from a store.
Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? My boo Alexander Skarsgård just turned 40 if that counts.
Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No because I’ve never had to sneak out. I’ve never felt like I had to sneak around behind my parents’ back.
Does your school have any rivals? I’m no longer in school.
Which one of your friends causes the most drama? None.
How many Facebooks have you had? Just the one I have.
Who is the most inappropriate old person you know? Our family friend can be pretty inappropriate at times.
Have you ever been punched in the face? No.
When was the last time you talked to the first person you kissed? It’s been about five years.
What is the latest you have ever slept in? Until almost 3.
Do you know what your name would have been if you were the opposite sex? My mom liked the name Jesse.
Are you embarrassed to buy condoms? I’m twenty-seven years old, but I admit I’d feel shy and awkward buying that. I’m thinking the cashier is judging me or thinking like, “ooo I know what she’s doing!” Haha. I’m the same way with girly stuff and undergarments. Especially if it’s a male cashier. I don’t know, I’m weird.
Do you have to watch yourself in the mirror while you brush your teeth? Yes.
What year in your life do you think you were the least attractive? Oh jeez. I’ve never felt attractive, but I’ll give you an example of one of my worst phases. I went through a bad hairstyle phase in middle school that for some reason I thought looked okay??? I would hairspray my bangs because I was self-conscious about my appearance and my hair being messy, and my bangs would get messed up when it was windy and such. So, my genius 12/13 year old self thought, ‘hey, why not hairspray my bangs to my forehead? That will look good!’ Yikes. Too much hairspray. My bangs were so stiff and stringy and omg it was soooooooo bad. I don’t know why anyone let me leave the house like that.
Do you have any nicknames? Just Steph and Sis.
How often do you wear necklaces? I couldn’t tell you the last time I wore one if that’s any indication.
Did anything bad happen to you in August? Not in particular. Just the ongoing stuff I was already dealing with.
Do you have a morning routine? I wake up, check the time, turn on The Today Show, lie there for almost an hour (especially when it’s cold like it is), take my medicine, use the restroom, and then have my cup of coffee while I continue to watch The Today Show and Live with Kelly. That’s my morning block from 7 to 11am.
Is the first text in your inbox saved? My phone keeps all my texts already. I don’t go through and delete any.
Do you text when you drive? i don't drive, but I definitely wouldn’t text and drive. It’s. Not. Worth. It. It can wait. Anything can happen in that time you take your eyes off the road to check your phone. Anything. At the last second something or someone can dart out in the road, and you’d have no time to react. Just don’t do it.
Was the last time you logged into your email? I have my email set up on my phone, so it’s always logged in. When I get a notification I check it. It’s been a good way to keep my mailbox clean. I used to have thousands of emails because I never checked it. All of it was spam, too. I finally went through and deleted and unsubscribed from so many things. I just delete the emails I do get, so I don’t know why I even check it or care if my mailbox is clean or not, but whatever. It’s not like when I was school and had to see if any professors sent out an email, or that I have a job that requires me to check my email and be in contact with anyone. I don’t get any important emails. I do get some good coupons now and then from places I shop at that could be of use to me, though.
If you are getting up early on a saturday it's most likely…I get up early everyday, so it wouldn’t mean anything special.
What are the first 3 channels you check when you first turn on the tv? Well, I watch those two news shows in the morning that come on channel 3, our local channel that plays NBC shows. After that 7-11AM block I talked about in the morning, I always check E!. If nothing of interest is on there, I just scroll the guide to see what else is on. I pay the most attention to TV Land, Logo, Oxygen (those channels play Roseanne, so I check to see if it’s on), Freeform, Hallmark Channel, ID, or MTV.
What was your last halloween costume? Some 90s punk/alternative look I put together that day with stuff I had.
Have you discovered your passion? No.
Do you get tan in the summer? I would if I actually went outside. If I make it out to the beach at all, I get really sunburned that turns into a tan.
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
therose-wyd
therose-wyd
efnco
Untitled
dadjimhopper
i have tried to write about jim kirk...
gelmemeyegidenadamdan-blog
İsimsiz
carrieeesblogg
Carrie😍🍆❤️