Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are bananas, more or less literally.

I don't know the whole story here but in my heart it turns out to be unbelievably more complex than "the Archchancellor stole my bananas" as the crime was first reported. Not that he wouldn't do that. As for Vimes' looks, I read that "Pratchett says in the companion work, The Art of Discworld, that he has always imagined Vimes as a younger, slightly bulkier version of late British actor Pete Postlethwaite" so I tried my hand at that!

Candyheartsex treat for sharkie335!

The Librarian of Unseen University had unilaterally decided to aid comprehension by producing an Orangutan/Human Dictionary. He'd been working on it for three months.

It wasn't easy. He'd got as far as "Oook."

He was down in the Stacks, where it was cool.

And suddenly someone was singing.

He took the pen out of his foot and listened.

A human would have decided they couldn't believe their ears. Orangs are more sensible. If you won't believe your own ears, whose ears will you believe?

Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

o

rang

u

tan

It was not completely dark in the Library, because the serried rows of magical books gave off a faint octarine glow, caused by thaumaturgical leakage into a strong occult field. It was just bright enough to illuminate the pile of shelves wedged against the door. The former Patrician had been carefully decanted into a jar on the Librarian's desk. The Librarian himself sat under it, wrapped in his blanket and holding Wuffles on his lap. Occasionally he would eat a banana.

Sourcery, Terry Pratchett

[Image description

A digital drawing of an orangutan sitting cross-legged in front of a bookcase. The room is dark and bathed in a purple glow. The ape is wrapped in a blanket, holding a scruffy terrier. There are bananas scattered about the floor. The orangutan is holding a banana and has a small lizard on his head.

end description]

Shadow Wizard 🧙‍♂️ Monkey Gang 🦧

We love casting spells 🌀😈🔥⚡️

Planet of the Apes is my actual worst nightmare, I hate monkeys and apes and chimps in particular

Bumblefar the Blue has been ejectedd from the wizard council for going quote "full orangutan mode"

Round 3: Match 9 of 16

Why they deserve to be the ultimate wizard according to YOU:

Erin Ruunaser:

Vanquished (so far): Rin Tohsaka, Quick Ben

"He's full of hubris, an iconic part of many wizards!"

"Erin is a scientist-wizard of the highest calibur. He got posessed by the satan figure of a religion in his world and so far refuses to entertain the notion that said satan figure's opposite number could be real because there's no scientific evidence for it."

"erin is pathetic and way too used to winning and that's why i think he should win again thanks for listening"

The Librarian:

Vanquished (so far): Eskarina Smith, Rincewind [my beloved]

“The librarian is properly iconic"

"OOK"

“He used to be a wizard, then got turned into an orangutan. It's a whole thing, but he's the best!!"

Roundup of my favorite quotes from Men at Arms. (There are so many. This is after editing it down by at least half.)

And then her gaze met that of a small, non-descript mongrel dog watching her very intently from under a cart. In fact non-descript was not what it was. It was very easy to descript. It looked like halitosis with a wet nose. -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

Angua picked out the bottle and looked at the label. "C. M. O. T. Dibbler's Genuine Authentic Soggy Mountain Dew," she read. "He's going to die! It says, 'One hundred and fifty percent proof'!" "Nah, that's just old Dibbler's advertising," said Nobby. "It ain't got no proof. Just circumstantial evidence." -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

He liked people who loved and respected books, and the best way to do that, in the Librarian's opinion, was to leave them on the shelves where Nature intended them to be. -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

Someone thumped at the door. "That's probably an angry mob right now," said Nobby. Carrot opened the door. "It's not an angry mob," he announced. "Ook." "It's an orangutan carrying a stunned dwarf followed by a troll. But he is quite angry, if that's any help." -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

"[H]as there been, in your opinion, an irreparable breakdown of law and order in the city?" "They turned over Throat Dibbler's barrow and made him eat two of his own sausages-inna-bun!" "Oh, I say!" said Colon. "Without mustard!" "I think we can call that a Yes," said Carrot. -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

Sergeant Colon was lost in admiration. He'd seen people bluff on a bad hand, but he'd never seen anyone bluff with no cards. -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

"This your club with a nail in it. You will eat it. You will sleep on it! When Detritus say Jump, you say... what color!" -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

"Clothing has never been what you might call a thingy of dog wossname." Gaspode scratched his ear. "Two metasyntactic variables there. Sorry." -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

"As I was a-walking along Lower Broadway, The recruiting party came picking up people by their ankles and saying they were going to volunteer to join the Watch unless they wanted their goohuloog heads kicked in, So I went via Peach Pie Street and Holofernes instead, Singing: Too-ra-li, etc." -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

Despite his deep distrust of magic, he quite liked the wizards. They didn't cause trouble. At least, they didn't cause his kind of trouble. True, occasionally they fractured the time/space continuum or took the canoe of reality too close to the white waters of chaos, but they never broke the actual law. -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

"Would he accept?" "Is the High Priest an Offlian? Does a dragon explode in the woods?" -- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

I just think it’s fun that the Librarian is one of the longest-running characters in the Discworld series, right alongside Rincewind.  He was in The Colour of Magic!  He appears in so many books, too, in a few of the different book-arcs and even the standalones!

But at the same time, I also think it’s hilarious that the Librarian was turned into an orangutan within the timespan the series covers.  It happened during The Light Fantastic.  And yet by the time of Sourcery and Guards! Guards!, just a few books later, people are just like ‘oh that’s the Librarian.’  It’s not just wizards who accept this as mundane reality, even!  The Librarian goes out on the town regularly enough that many regular Ankh-Morpork citizens have already learned the golden rule which is Don’t Call the Librarian a Monkey, not too long after his transformation!

This is so realistic to human nature tbh, and yet still wild to think about.

"The room had been part of the library until the magic had drifted through, violently reassembling the possibility particles of everything in its path. So it was reasonable to assume that the small purple newts had been part of the floor and the pineapple custard may once have been some books. and several of the wizards later swore that the small sad orangutan sitting in the middle of it all looked very much like the head librarian." - The Light Fantastic, Discworld

[ID: a closely-cropped image of the Librarian, a wizard from the Discworld series who has been transformed into an orangutan, glowering over the top of a glowing book. At the top of the image is the text "Call me a monkey one more time" and at the bottom is the text "Motherfucker ". End ID]

I made this in 30 seconds in response to monkeposting in the group chat but realised it may be a nonsequiter there so I'm gifting it to the Discworld tag instead

My shameless rec of Discworld by Terry Pratchett to people who enjoy really memorable and vivid characters.

(this art is by Bartosz Kosowski, link here).

A world that rests on the shoulders of four elephants who rest on the back of the Great A'tuin.

Some of the characters in question are Death; the granddaughter of Death; a wizard who very very badly would like to not be a hero; three witches one of whom (the very grumpy and powerful one) needs to put a sign that says 'I Ate'nt Dead' around her neck whenever she goes burrowing into the heads of animals; a Watch Captain who is in a constant battle with the city tyrant to not get promoted; an extremely efficient city tyrant; a conman who gets put in charge of the post office by the city tyrant; a witch-to-be who's got a brother kidnapped by elves, an iron pan and (most of all) some Common Sense; a talking dog that takes great advantage of the fact that 'everyone knows dogs can't talk'; The Librarian who is a wizard that once had an accident and is now an orangutan who will make you Regret Everything if you ever try to call him a mon-*insert terrified screaming*-key; and many many more.

Series contains 41 books. Can be jumped into in any kind of order you want. But if you want at least some kind of linear order (coward) here's all the books that CAN be the first one you read: The Color of Magic (but don't choose this one, you can come back to this one), Equal Rites, Mort, Guards! Guards!, The Wee Free Men, The Moving Pictures, Going Postal.

And here's some memorable excerpts too:

as your mutual i must join in on the anon hate

you're a FAKE wizard your spells are LOW MANA EFFICIENCY and you will NEVER be able to cast raging baboon

FUCK YOU

PISSED ORANGUTAN

Too many fantasy societies based upon Homo Sapiens. What about the other great apes, huh?

Chimpanzee: Hedonistic id-driven community. Constant power struggles within & without keep leadership structure churning in a way that could be considered stable if you don't think too hard about it. All neighboring clans simultaneously at war & hooking up with each other, relatively chill with outsiders (but watch out!).

Gorilla: Roving polygamous family unit, with moderate rates of exchange between groups. Highly ritualized conflict resolution procedures generally prevent fatal in-group violence, but individuals expelled from the group commonly succumb to the elements or are killed by beasts. Notoriously proud & squadded up, do not smile at them!

Orangutan: Loosely-connected web of hermits. Complex individual relationships make for interesting chance encounters. Conflicts occur over land rights, the winner sometimes undergoing a strange metamorphosis that deepens their territorial and isolationist tendencies. Obviously wizards.