#or if you want to rp with may lol no one wants my poor sweet may
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Check in on my (not very realistic) wish list for episode 137
1. Sheepleb interactions, I don’t care with whom - I need sheepleb my beloved to interact with people for reasons. I know the sheep-shifting may only last for 1 minutes but that’s 10 rounds, surely enough to get some sweet RP in.
YES Cad grab the sheep yes YASHA SCRATCH THAT BELLY sheepleb interactions my beloved. Jester yes make sheepleb move his cute little ears I love y’all. YES SHEEPLEB chew on Yasha’s coat. I never knew I would love a sheep but I do now apparently. Yasha continuing to pet sheepleb and continuing to hold Caleb after he shifts back I love her so much-
2. Caleb or Beau accidentally and telepathically speak to people by thinking too loudly. I can’t wait for their reactions, it will be hilarious.
Well, Caleb did so but more deliberately, and it was more enlightening than hilarious lol.
3. Beau and Caleb discover the third function of their eyes (if dark vision is included in true sight, then they are missing one feature).
Nope, the eyes were used against them again to expose their locations, but haven’t ever been used for mind control yet, so I’m okay with that.
4. Beau and Caleb do not gain any new eyes (pretty please, come on).
I mean they have bigger problems but yeah I got what I wanted!
5. Wait no it’s the astral sea there is no wild magic effect anymore :( but can they at least encounter some unique astral sea creatures, features or something as fun as Aeorian wild magic.
Well... That was a lot of astral sea creatures. More precisely creepy meaty enemies. I think it was fun! In a horrifying way, but fun.
6. Someone mentions Yussa and discuss the probability of saving him (honestly though I don’t know how that’s going to work).
Jester mentioned Yussa pretty soon but I think they are a bit... preoccupied to save anyone at the moment, oops.
7. Getting closer to the city and discovering more of its nature/power/how to stop it.
Wow that city description is cool oh boy I got chills from the empty city suddenly bustling with people. Also that Caleb telepathy experiment is so creepy and terrifying. Is the city alive?! With flesh and teeth?! EuughhHHh. Timorei the terrified rebel/Fear they first met (who seemed to be on Lucien’s side), with Elatis and Luctus opposing him? The Aether crux??! Ira/Wrath who acted in a sort of beast-like way and seemed antagonistic towards Mirumus and Gaudius?? It’s good to know the Somnovem are in fact far from one mind - their opinions seem pretty divided. Aether crux might be the way to go, couldn’t they just destroy all the Somnovem, since they want M9 to kill some of them anyways? Does the entire city function like a living body?
8. Beau and Yasha continue to flirt even in the astral sea and travel side-by-side or physically interact.
Twin initiative 21 yeah let’s go- wait when I said physical interaction I didn’t mean it like that come on!! Stop hitting each other. Also Yasha’s small “I love you but” aww. It was still a little bit flirty somehow lol loved it. ALSO the air kiss was so cute I can’t with these two and their awesome PDA. They also searched the building together!
9. Jester really doting on Artagan/Sprinkle like she never did before.
I mean, she paid him way more attention that’s for sure :D
10. Jester and Fjord have a longer one-on-one conversation or fight like a badass battle couple that they are.
Hey they were both great in combat and explored together!
11. Obligatory wish for Essek’s fancy dunamancy or magical items (Bonus: we get to see one of those high-damage AOE offensive spells that he couldn’t cast).
AYY LIGHTNING BOLT HYPE! It was sort of an AOE too! Loved his flair as always. It’s not dunamancy technically but I’m counting it because cool purple-black spell.
12. Obligatory wish for Caleb’s polymorph spell (sheepleb was perfect, GIVE ME MORE).
Nope, but the sheepleb we got was awesome.
13. Tiny Veth interactions with party members (Bonus: with Fjord, or sheepleb).
Nope, the effect probably didn’t last long? Or they just forgot about tiny Veth lol.
14. The party members try to reach Molly through Lucien and Lucien reacting more to things that they say.
They didn’t catch up to Lucien at all, but I have a feeling that they will next episode.
15. They catch up to Lucien and Cree somehow and manage to stop them from returning the city to the world (or at least start the combat).
Combat was started at the end of the episode with Cree! They did catch up to Cree! This is going in the right direction at least.
16. Successful divine intervention from Cad or Jester.
At least Cad and Jester both tried! They weren’t successful, but still.
17. Yasha decides to brute force through a problem and succeeds like the true Barbarian that she is.
I mean, all the combat is brute-force and Yasha did eliminate one of the flesh horror monsters with her cool holy avenger swing!
18. Someone pushes the big red button and derails them.
Nope! They’ve been focused and on task and that’s good!
19. The wizards and their complicated whatever it is being addressed or developed more.
Not Caleb smirking at Essek using fire bolt then proceeding to use one himself and get a natural 20 I- that was so cool?? What?? Have I mentioned that I love those wizards because I love them. They also float the fastest of course.
20. Heroes’ feast/short rest or a long rest that they well deserve (Bonus: they have great rolls on the HP).
Nope, but I mean they probably need one soon.
21. Obligatory wish for Essek’s room in the tower.
Yeah nah this one is just a permanent feature on the wish list don’t mind it.
22. Oblitagory wish for Cad being a MVP in and out of combat.
Cad turned Caleb back (baaaaaaye sheepleb I love you), healed the group and discovered a lot about how the city worked, including using decompose.
23. Veth being thirsty for Davexian still, or for whatever other Astral sea creature they are going to meet.
“Want to do some apple picking?” LMAO I’m not gonna count that of course but it was funny.
24. Obligatory wish for everyone to remain relatively happy and alive by the end of the episode except Lucien and Cree (they can perish, but now I kinda want Lucien to not die since he had some strange reactions), and the episode ends on a terrifying cliffhanger as always.
Score: 12/24
Welp, that took a turn. I did not expect so much Eldritch horror and expected way more humour (which in hindsight was unwise considering how the story is going lol), but honestly I’m not complaining one bit. Matt’s voice acting and everybody’s performance are top notch and the world-building is just *chef’s kiss*, terrifying or not.
Bonus:
The subtitles said “bleating” when everybody yelled before the opening theme I’m dead lmao also “some a bit sheepish”, courtesy pun of the DM.
“I mean... *bleats*” hahahah I love sheepleb so much
Poor Essek had to start the combat on low HP, sadness. To be fair, our wonderful DM was busy playing many characters and giving beautiful expositions and the players were busy being captivated by all that!
“When in Aeor” Fjord lmao making his face into a big red eyeball, as one does.
Torrent of Teeth ughhhhhAHH what an attack name
Caleb casting Widogast’s Web of Fire was the hottest thing I’ve seen, no pun intended - it was hotttt.
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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; mun & muse - meme.
TAGGED BY: @hyaciiintho thank you so much!!! <3
TAGGING: @rcguna @cadcnce either or whatever works for you bear, @panickypeachboy @paintmaid @emfiliae @windmcge and you as well!! The person reading this
FILL OUT & REPOST ♥ this meme definitely favors canons more, but i hope oc’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. multi-muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. <--- leaving this here because this is super sweet ALSO FAIR WARNING my blog has right click turned off. I’m going to be placing this under readmore but I think you can see it on dashboard view! If not lmk we’ll work something out!!!
MY MUSE IS: CANON / OC / AU (Verse dependent) / CANON-DIVERGENT (Interactions & verse dependent) / FANDOMLESS
Is your character popular in the fandom? YES well kinda at least thanks to ssbu before she wasn’t that well known I MEAN PPL KNEW HER BUT SHE DIDN’T HAVE AS MANY FANART AS OTHER ZELDAS SDJBKHJABSD/ NO
Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK because not too many people talk about her and by her I mean ALTTP Zel, people are bonkers over SSBU Zel!
Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO if we’re talking about the canon of ALTTP and OoX series rather than ssbu it’s a hard no, she has enough magic to be considered a sacrifice to break barriers and revive the dead but not enough to fend herself off from evil mages who want to talk over the world / IDK
Are they underrated? YES / NO
Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO / MAYBE
Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG
Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO / MAYBE
How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL
HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?
NOT THAT STRICT HONESTLY, she’s just an OC at this point haha because she has zero substance in her own god damn game ;v; she’s just exposition.txt with dulcina effect playing into view though it is somewhat justified since she is the princess and the only thing that stopped Agahnim from breaking out Ganon.... I MEAN!!! SHE’S NOT AT ALL A DEPRESSED CALM ROMANTIC IN CANON LET’S PUT IT TO YOU THAT WAY SDBKASDJHBDASD.
SELL YOUR MUSE! AKA TRY TO LIST EVERYTHING, WHICH MAKES YOUR MUSE INTERESTING IN YOUR OPINION TO MAKE THEM SPICY FOR YOUR MUTUALS.
TAKES A DEEP BREATH
Tiny funky elf princess trying her best to rule elf kingdom. HJKA there’s more, I’m lazy but not that lazy. She’s the descendent of essentially a mortal god, more than likely acting as an avatar of sorts to the goddess Hylia, as such she’s gifted with fantastical abilities that’s been passed down her family for generations and she intends to use these powers to protect her kingdom that’s still on the road of recovery, as the sole survivor from Agahnim’s destruction upon Hyrule and thus sole scion she’s left picking up the small fragments from the tragedy that occurred ages ago where the Hero of Time had fallen. But here’s the downside to these powers: she was born with a very weak body and poor health as such she can’t utilize the abilities she has from her bloodline aside from a few powers without affecting her low stamina issues. Namely telepathy, clairvoyance, healing, sealing things away, creating barriers, and connection with the spirit realm. As such, she tends to rely on the wisdom given to her by her naturally bright mind and enhanced by the mythical object known as the Triforce of Wisdom. Surprisingly, she can be cunning despite her soft-hearted nature and is willing to do whatever it takes to protect her kingdom and people she loves, her silent determination more than makes up for the lack of powers she may have. That in mind, she’s often the target of more nefarious plans that means the downfall of her kingdom. She may not have the amazing light magic spells her ancestors did to prevent darkness from taking over but that doesn’t mean her magic isn’t any less potent, she just can’t tap into it. She’s an easy target for enemies that wish to use her sacred powers to revive the dead Ganon or break pass whatever powerful barrier or seal that’s in place.
Her future is pretty grim as well, considering she has a shorter life span. But it’s fine, things are fine she may have a gloomy outlook on certain things but that doesn’t stop her from living life!! Despite how sour this may all seem Zelda is still that encouraging young woman whose kindness defines her, she’s playfully innocent around friends and enjoys exploring old places of decay that’s rich with history! She tends to bottle up her more negative aspects to not worry others since she’s the pillar of an entire ass nation, she needs to maintain her placid demeanor as a means to calm and soothe others around her. Because the truth of the matter is that the events of ALTTP (before the game where harsh plagues among other things happened before Agahnim arrived to fix everything as well as after the events of the game) and OoX, instances where she’s witnessed death of loved ones, the downfall of her kingdom, and coming across death herself has affected her greatly. She suffers from grief and depression that needs to be addressed but... ;v;
NGL I’M ABOUT TO CRY
NOW THE OPPOSITE, LIST EVERYTHING WHY YOUR MUSE COULD NOT BE SO INTERESTING (EVEN IF YOU MAY NOT AGREE, WHAT DOES THE FANDOM PERHAPS THINK?).
HJKA TAKE OUT MY BULLSHIT TAKE ON HER AND YOU’RE LEFT WITH EXPOSITION AND DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!! She’s not at all interesting if you don’t take into account her roles in the mangas which I somewhat base her personality and thoughts on... she’s just.... nice pretty princess that needs to be rescued. A tale as old as time....
WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?
GOOD QUESTION!!! BECAUSE I STARTED OUT WITH HILDA BEFORE DECIDING TO GO WITH SKY ZELDA BECAUSE I WANTED TO DO A MORE OUTGOING MUSE and then I opened up a sideblog for this Zelda out of whim. There’s no reason why I choose the most obscure Zelda, I just did it because I thought it’d be fun. I did not expect this much characterization for someone like her ngl. I guess what keeps me going is the fact that she’s a fun character to write for!
WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?
HA!!! NOTHING!!! Mental illness is a bitch, I will have my down... weeks. Not days, literal weeks or months depending on how long my episodes last. It sucks, and I try to work around it but there’s not much I can do. That said, inspiration depends on motivation and want to write. As well as focus because god knows I have so little of that.
SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.
give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.
Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO I TRY BUT UNDERSTAND THERE’S NOT MUCH TO WORK WITH IN CANON YOU EITHER LIKE HER OR DON’T
Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO
Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO but I honestly should???
Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO
Are you confident in your portrayal? YES where’s the kinda opition, because I personally love her and think she’s interesting enough but I’m still working a lot on her NO
Are you confident in your writing? YES / HA HARD NO
Are you a sensitive person? YES fun part of having ADD is that you feel emotions more intenstly, I’m naturally a senstive person too so :’)))) / NO
DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?
YES OF COURSE!!!! As someone who wants to grow more in writing any sort of feedback is appreciated!
DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?
If you give me the chance to ramble about this stupid elf I will literally love you so much like I love all sorts of questions anyone may have about her!! Though I feel my rambles don’t really make much sense since I just type whatever pops in the mind and put it down as fast as I can without double-checking well enough.
IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
Sí! Again, I want to grow more as a writer and rper! So if someone were to come across a headcanon they don’t like I’d like to know why so that I can think more critically about it and fix it so that it better fits Zelda. If someone were to say “I don’t like this” without saying why it really won’t help much aside from letting me know that you don’t like the thing, which is fine and valid but pls let me know why!
IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?
Eh, fine with it. I honestly don’t mind if someone doesn’t like my characters, any of my characters I play as! Sometimes, certain portrayals aren’t someone’s cup of tea and that’s perfectly fine. I won’t take offense to it, at the end of the day while I’m still working on Zelda I’m happy with how much she’s grown over the years I’ve played her as... which were just two but it feels longer dude!!!
IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?
Again, I wouldn’t care that much lol. It’s just rping, it’s really not that deep. It’s no different from someone not liking a book because they just don’t vibe with the writing style among other reasons. I may be sensitive but I don’t really take a lot of things personally.
ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?
Ye uvub! I’m a literal dumbass behind a keyboard, don’t be afraid to say “hey this wasn’t spelled right” or “hey this doesn’t make much sense mind checking it over really quick”.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?
I THINK?! I MEAN HONESTLY I’M SUPER ANXIOUS AND A WORRYWART I JUST DON’T SHOW IT MUCH AAAAAAAA I’d like to think of myself as chill ;v; I try to treat others how I want to be treated and just try to be nice. Idk if I come across as that or not, it’s hard to convey feelings through text sometimes to some.
#THIS TOOK ME A BIT BECAUSE MY ATTENTION SPAN IS ALL OVER THE PLACE#ooc postings.#i need to sneep but.... i just need to answer meme too ;v; at least do one writing on here! i feel bad not doing much aaaa#dash games.
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Tagged
Tagged by: @inferablossom
Rules: Answer 30 questions tag 20 blogs (I don’t have that many mutuals,,, why)
Nicknames: Cupcake, Ric, Killer (for some reason? I prefer to be called cupcake by peeps on tumblr dot com and Ric by friends? Whenever I’m playing TF2 strangers call me killer and it’s frustrating like,,, no,,, call me cupcake soldier plz lmao)
Gender: Cis Male (Tho I effing h8 gender expectations and binaries like the plague I still identify as my assigned gender idk)
Sign: Scorpio? (Half of astrologists tell me I’m Scorpio and the other half tell me I’m Sagittarius so I don’t stick to astrology only because of that)
Height: 5’6
Time: 08:40 PM (I finished at 09:40 PM OOF I take my sweet time with these things)
Birthday: November 22nd
Fave bands: uhhhh F-Fallout Boy...? ,,, Florence and the machine? I don’t really listen to that many bands
Fave solo artists: Lady Gaga, Marina and the diamonds, LOLO, Ariana Grande, Lana del rey, CupcakKe
Song stuck in my head: Your Reality from DokiDoki Literature Club (Poor Monika broke my heart she’s like all a villain, a side character, a romantic interest and a protagonist all in one character I’m,,,)
Last movie I saw: Lady Gaga 5 foot 2 (She’s a literal angel)
Last show I watched: Ru Paul’s drag race (I just started it and it’s p good) and Brooklyn 99 (I like to think it’s from an AU where cops aren’t pigs so people can shut up about how it’s cop propaganda, we get, irl cops are bad, let me watch my show it’s not gonna make me trust them automatically)
When did I create my blog: 2016 the cursed year, I think
What do I post: memes, humor or happy stuff, danganronpa, rainbow six siege, team fortress 2, overwatch, doki doki literature club, general gay and POC culture, sometimes witchy stuff or moodboards and important posts (reblog to save a life or mindblowing social justice kind of stuff), sometimes I fall for the ‘rb for money’ kinds of notebaits lol
Last thing I googled: r6s dokkaebi
Do I have any other blogs?: yES!!! I have an art blog @cupcake-sketchbook and a couple of rp/ask blogs for my tf2 OCs @g3n3tic4l-pyromania @ask-pastelbattlemedic and @ask-pastelspy (I’ve been trying to limit myself from making new OCs but I just,,, love my babies so much???)
Do I get asks?: Not really, I’d like to because I could do a lil’ drawing or add a sassy GIF to answer but I’m fine I guess
Why did I choose my url: I’m both into very girly (nail art, baking, beauty yada yada) and stereotypical male-ish stuff (guns, knives, edgy garbage, yada yada) and I liked this duality about me so I had this going on about me and one day I just gravitate towards a cupcake shop that had a heavy metal vibe and I just KNEW I belonged there (It closed, RIP :c) so I come up with this knife/cupcake thing and liked it (It also was a little bit of a joke about bad creepypasta OCs that just took Jeff the killer and anime-fied him and I went, hahaha look cupcake the killer and I liked how it sounded lol) and went wow, Killer cupcake (I also write killer like KillR because my name starts with an R so there’s that)
Following: 291 (I follow a lot of shit,,,)
Followers: 199 (wait what? wtf how? I love y’all? I may do a quick art piece thanking y’all???)
Average hours of sleep: 6 tho I’d like 8 or more lmao I’m so lazy
Lucky number: idk 13
Instruments: I learned how to play the flute but I forgot already, tho I have very good rhythm so I can pass as an amateur with guitars and pianos (Marceline from Adventure Time, who plays the bass pretty good but doesn’t even know how to read music and Marina Diamandis who taught herself how to play piano irl are my eternal aesthetic tbh)
What am I wearing: my PJs that consist of old sweatpants (I only wear sweatpants as pjs I’m all for skinny jeans) and an old sweatshirt (again, I only wear them for pjs cuz I’m all for hoodies)
Dream job: Illustrator for a magazine or english teacher, I’d like to be a freelance artist in my free time either way
Dream trip: I’d like to go to Spain to see my online best friend @robeca-black or I’d like to go to Canada (It’s cold and very modern and my fav blogger and vlogger live there)
Fave food: Anything Italian that includes pasta, cheese, tomato sauce or preferentially all three
Nationality: Mexican
Fave song: I have a LOT of personal anthems like Happy by Marina and the Diamonds or Marry the night/Born this way by Lady Gaga but I think aside from #relatableness I really like G.U.Y. by Lady Gaga
Last book I read: Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN IS A COWARD WHO DIDN’T LOVE HIS UGLY AS FUCK GOTH SON AND I HATE HIM)
Top 3 fictional universes I wanna join: Overwatch, Undertale, Danganronpa (I’d probably die in all of them LMFAO)
Tagging: UHHHHH @its-the-lovely-darkness @jasminetea-and-narcolepsy @imthinkingaboutme (sorry gurl you don’t rlly hafta do it I just wanted to tag ppl so I don’t feel like a failure lol) @annsparksthegmr @devils-toxic-love @ya-dood (did you just heccing change your URL AGAIN) UHHHHH ??? I??? ran out of mutuals??? who tf has 20 mutuals??? I uhhhh,,,??? bye???
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Thank You All So Much
Calix Daesyn: 400 Followers
Lotus-of-Noxus: 460 Followers
I remember when I first came to the tumblr rp community a little over two years ago. I had no idea how to get started. However, I had been reading a lot of stuff by @prodigal-ezreal and their RP partners and I missed roleplaying so badly that I knew I wanted to jump in. I couldn’t decide who to play though: I had never played canon characters in any rp - and while I thought about trying my hand at Ezreal I just wasn’t sure. So, I made Calix. And he has evolved a HELL of a lot since then.
It has been a bit rough getting into rp, I’ll admit. When I first made Calix I decided to try and take the advice of a lot of people and just start sending things out. About 80% of those were never answered or I received a ‘sorry I don’t rp with OC’s’ or jus t ‘no’. But some people answered and we soon started having a great time.
A lot of people I started RPing with just aren’t really around any more. Like @cutthroat-diplomacy who was my first SERIOUS ship (with poly allowances of course) for Calix and a great RP partner. @axesrevolution has always been wonderful and a great friend for Calix @timeforatruedisplayofskill helped me get into RP so much, welcoming me readily. @soulreaverdraven did the same and answered my asks and helped boost my confidence early. @spirit-of-an-exile I’ve seen more recently, but not as much - but still her riven mama was the guidance Calix needed and often ignored and got in trouble anyway but she would still sigh and call him bambi and pat his head. Someone who I’ve seen around more recently, but still not much: @the-malevolent-rose I loooove all your interactions with poor Calix. He may have danger kink and monster boyfriends but even he stays ten feet away from Rose when he can. Like I said, they aren’t really around any more, but I’m still so grateful. And there are a ton more I haven’t mentioned. I don’t want this to become a huge wall, just everyone know how much I appreciate everything.
Now on to some people I interact with today all the time:
@uncle-touchy-lich You are such an amazing writer, artist, rp partner, and friend. I can’t express how happy I am that we clicked. I started following you and was so amazed by your Karthus and wanted so badly to RP with you that I reached out cautiously expecting kind refusal and instead I found someone who was excited to rp with me. I couldn’t believe someone with such a great muse and such great ideas thought my writing and my character were compelling. I’m so happy we started RPing and even happier we started to talk as friends. I adore you and your lich and all your work and characters and I hope we can continue being buddehs for a long time.
@thelanternwretch You are so fkn awesome bruh. Starting with your character and your RP - I LOVE EVERY BIT OF IT. Every dark twisted thing, every vodka thresh moment, every truly horrible villainous thing Thresh says, all of your history and your writing - I just love it. And you the mun are an amazing, sweet, beautifully twisted humor-having person. I really do consider you a friend and I am amazed that you like writing with and talking with me and I thank you so much for the interactions and for just talking to me.
@thecrimsonexecutioner Bab I know you feel insecure about some stuff some times but let me be the tell you that you are AMAZING. Your art is SO GOOD. Your characters are SO GOOD. I love writing with you and talking with you. You are awesome and your muses are fantastic. <3
@cervantestheferryman Dude bro bruh friendo you are a cool ass muthamuffin and I’m glad to see you back and active again. You’re great to rp with, great to build characters and AU’s with, and great for a fun time. Thanks for taking an interest in my bb’s and giving them good bruises.
@thefallenstarchild We don’t really RP, but I just want to note how much I love your Soraka and your art and just how sweet you are. Every time you answer something from Calix it makes me smile so much. <3
@definitely-not-altair You are one cool dude!!! I love watching your streams and reading what you do with Talon. Thank you for ever answering anything I send you from my Kat you are an angel. I really adore your writing and your art and we don’t talk or RP much, but I really appreciate that you put up with me at all lol.
@ace-of-spades-ezreal OOOAH YOUR BOY IS SO GOOD KAT WANTS DAT - ahem. Anyhow. I love your art, your writing, your character and I love every interaction between Ace and Kat - just so so so very good. And I love reading your interactions, your character building, just so much. You are one shiny muffin, acey.
@hook-and-chains Bab you are lovely!! <3 We don’t talk as much but I love your Threshie and adore seeing you on my dash!! <3
@morose-deserter You are such a sweetie and so is your Seryn bab and I loooove talking with you - in RP, in messenger, just everywhere. You are so great <3
@cup-cait Thank you so much for all the entertainment and for trying to keep Kat in line keep trying I believe in you bab. <3
Anyhow I should probably stop there before I take up everyone’s dashes completely. I’m sorry I couldn’t get to everyone I want to thank, but please know that I appreciate you all so much and I just love that anyone follows me at all. When I started Calix I couldn’t believe I had twenty followers - and now I have twenty times that.
Thank you - so very much.
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Retinitis Pigmentosa Awareness Month
If there’s one thing I’ve wanted more than anything else in my entire life, it’s been to be normal. That may be hard to believe for most people in my life, given that I’m prone to living in a manner some might describe as dramatic and “unnecessary”. Maybe a part of me realized a long ways back that on some level I was never going to blend in, that I was never going to be quote unquote normal. Growing up, I was never normal. I was the kid with the big hearing aids, the kid with the lisp. When I wasn’t the deaf kid, I was the twin who ohmygod shared a womb with his sister “and isn’t that awesome do you guys share a psychic connection what’s she thinking right now?” (As we’ve grown up, I have developed a keen sense of her moods - right now, she wants wine and carbs). Neither of those things that made me different were inherently bad - they were just things that I didn’t have control over. I’m big on being able to control things in my life (more on that later).
Then of course, when I had maybe just become as normal as I’ve probably ever been in high school, where my identity wasn’t wrapped around my hearing aids or my womb-mate since my teachers weren’t all aware of either, I tuned into my emerging sexuality. So then I became the gay kid. I couldn’t control that, either. But if I wasn’t going to be able to be plain jane normal, I was going to control the narrative the best I could. So I was the school faggot who wore six inch stilettos to class because fuck the patriarchy, amiright? I mean, if I wasn’t going to be able to be normal, I might as well be balls-to-the-wall obnoxious. I sure wasn’t going to blend in with the jocks or the gamers or the preppy girls, so there I was making questionable life choices in zebra print jeans and a leopard print purse. Still, somewhere underneath three inches of caked-on foundation and bleached, blue, green, red, black, damaged hair, all I wanted was to be normal. I clearly wasn’t motivated to put in an effort to make myself normal, because I have all the self-motivation of a sunbathing iguana, but if I’d have woken up one morning with some innate ability to fly under the radar, my dreams would have come true. Nobody said teenage me was good with logic, alright?
Because none of the above were labels enough and because we live in a society where we worship excess, I further became the kid with the eating disorder, the kid whose life basically just frayed at the seams until I was spending my eighteenth birthday in the hospital, where surprisingly, I kind of felt...normal? I mean, not one of us there was normal - we were all twisted by some unknown force, hiding mashed potatoes in uggs, pouring shots of ensure in the carpet, and splashing urine samples on the poor nurses (poor woman coincidentally retired that same year). We had fixations that bonded us, a common experience in the ridiculousness of being told to lick out jam packets and eat the cores of apples (Laura, I’ve been recovered for a while now and you’re still just wrong on that front). I fit in without trying, and it was oddly comforting. When I left treatment, my life became as normal as I imagine it will ever be. I worked two jobs, found myself in a relationship that didn’t careen off the tracks (bless Joey’s heart), and then went away for school. It was the Canadian dream, and it was wonderful. I adored it. I mean, my roommates in Ottawa shat on the floors and made hash with my hair straightener, but I was normal! It was everyone else who was crazy - a true revelation.
Fast forward a few years and we get to the point of all this rambling about my life story. I was studying (lol) at Ryerson and I’d met fellow normals who I did normal university student stuff with like the wonderful normal me wanted. Except my one friend kept telling me I needed to get my eyes checked because apparently I couldn’t see well enough. Like, excuse me? I could see just damn fine thank you it wasn’t my fault other people got in my way or things moved into my path or that cars didn’t pay attention to pedestrians or that sometimes it was just too damn dark outside, okay?. “But no seriously”, Mathew said, “you should be able to see more. It’s probably like glaucoma or cataracts or something, just get your eyes tested”. The man works for Lasik MD, so I immediately heeded his words of advice...like nine months later.
It was now October of 2015, and I was normal, god damn it. I sat with patron saint Joey in an eye doctor’s office with a Louis Vuitton print trash can (I couldn’t make this up, I swear) and a poster of Patrick Dempsey on the wall. “MCDREAMY LIVES” I believe was what Joey said to me. This was a real eye doctor, not just some man my mother, bless her heart, was harboring a not-so-secret crush for. I sat through what seemed like a ridiculous number of tests that featured some eye drops that truly made me unable to see - I haven’t sent so many misspelled texts since the drunken lead up to my hospitalization.
My first sign that “whoops, maybe Mathew was right” was when I was doing a field of vision test where I was supposed to be pressing buttons whenever I saw a flash of light - the visual version of a hearing test I’d been doing since I was like four and screaming into a microphone at some poor audiologist who deserved better in life because he wasn’t MY audiologist. I digress. Anyways, the lady running the test kept telling me “so you need to press the button when you see the light. Do you see the light? You have to press the button! So you know to press the button? Press the button!” In my mind I was cussing her out - “GURL I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN I HAVE PRESSED THE BUTTON A MULTITUDE OF TIMES I HAVE SEEN LIGHTS” - but in reality, “yes. I understand. Gotcha. *click*. *click*. Want to feel like an imbecile? Sit in front of a machine with your face in a cage and listen to someone dispassionately remind you that you need to press the button blah blah blah.
Finally at long last, Gentle Male Eye Doctor (GMED) sat down with me to discuss the results of the test I had clearly failed like I had grade 11 chemistry. “So, you see this picture here? That’s your retina. These little lines here are *eye doctor jumble I could not reproduce for the life of me*. Your visual field test reinforces my first thoughts when I looked at these images”. Sure, GMED, tell me all about my cataracts so I can get Mathew to get me a sweet discount and I can get back to my normal life. “It looks like you have retinitis pigmentosa”. Screech. Hands up, y’all, if you’ve ever heard of retinitis pigmentosa before. Zero? Good, we’re all on the same page here.
“It’s a genetic degenerative condition”
“I’m guessing from the look on your face, that’s not a good thing?”
“No.”
“So how do we like, deal with it?”
“There’s no cure”.
“Okay, but like how do we treat it to keep it from getting worse?”
“Well...there’s not really anything we can do. I’m going to refer you to a retina specialist. Don’t google it, okay?”
“Sure.”
So I went to pay, kind of just shell shocked because how exactly are you supposed to fucking process something you don’t know about? Turns out I now get free eye exams because of my condition (it’s all coming up sunshine for #sashagay!).
What’s the first thing I did when I got home? Did I
A) Have a healthy snack
B) Read Great Expectations for class
C) Go for a light jog
D) Google what the fuck retinitis pigmentosa is
The correct answer, of course, is D. (When is D not the answer to everything? - I couldn’t resist) I remained #chill the best I could, because I had not yet seen a retina specialist, which I still wasn’t sure was a legitimate thing, nor had my diagnosis confirmed.
That’s a lie. I was #unchill. Before I’d had my formal diagnosis I knew all about RP and all sorts of fun (read: scary) facts about it. And then they confirmed my diagnosis. I am going blind. Retinitis Pigmentosa is, as GMED stated, a genetic degenerative eye condition. In laymans terms, you start with a loss of night vision coupled with a loss of peripheral vision.
If nothing else, I know now I’m not the only one who hates those damn signs
I wasn’t walking into “caution when wet” signs and TTC station employees and small children and off curbs and into oncoming traffic because of a lack of grace. I had been losing peripheral vision that would have allowed me to see all of the above. Other people didn’t just have superior night vision like some freakshow - they just had normal eyes that saw trees, stairs, and again, small children. (If you take nothing else away from all this, take away the knowledge that small children are the worst). Again as GMED had said, there is currently no treatment. There is no cure. I will continue to lose my vision at an undetermined rate until I am first legally blind, and eventually completely blind.
In many ways, I am incredibly lucky. My visual acuity - the field of vision in which I can see - is pretty damn good. I can see the world around me and as of yet am largely unaffected by my condition. I have no problem reading, walking around my neighbourhood, or doing my job. I’m pretty much as normal as I was before - for now. I will never be able to drive (GMED looked like he might faint when I told him I’d driven to my appointment until I clarified that Joey was behind the wheel). I’ll never be able to see the stars at night, or go to the movies without feeling like I’m in some sort of Survivor challenge. And I’ll become, eventually, more and more reliant on using assistive devices to get around and do the things I can do uninhibited today. At my last eye exam, a different doctor told me that A) I have a field of vision of approximately 50 degrees, having lost about two-four degrees of vision in the last year, and that B) given a continual degree of degeneration, I will be lucky if I make it to 35 before I become legally blind.
So if you look at the above diagram I have so helpfully provided, you’ll see what my vision loss at this point looks like. I have approximately 25 degrees of vision in each eye - so slightly less than the full thirty degrees of ‘near peripheral’ vision a person with no visual impairment would have. Legally blind is 20 degrees of peripheral vision, so about the triangle you see labelled here as macular vision.
Retinitis Pigmentosa isn’t a super common condition - something like one in 4,000 people have the condition, but even that isn’t confirmed. There’s not really a ton of research out there, so the information available isn’t totally reliable. General consensus seems to be that those of us with the condition lose the majority of their vision in their twenties (that’s me!) and 90% of us are legally blind by the age of 40, both of which align with what my doctor told me. So that’s what I’m essentially basing my outlook on: having approximately 12 years until I’m considered legally blind, with a steady (or rapid???) rate of decline in my field of vision until then. It’s a weird situation.
I finished out my last year of university as a “normal”, basically acting as though nothing has changed. Today, I am qualified to tell you I have a bachelor’s degree in English. That’s it - there’s really not much else that degree qualifies you for, in all honesty. Just after that, I finally set up my referral with the Canadian National Institute for the Blind. I’ve taken Orientation and Mobility training where I’ve learned how to use my white cane. When I’m out in the dark, in crowded places, or just unfamiliar places, I use my cane to let other people know I’m a public menace (that’s not meant to be a jab at other visually impaired people; my condition truly manifests itself in me being a danger to children and those little wire baskets at Shoppers Drug Mart) and to help me navigate more effectively.
I should clarify a few things. I’m not ‘normal’ any more, and I won’t be any time in the future. You win some, you lose some, and I’m pretty much okay with that right now. I can still see. I’m not legally blind. If I’m out with my cane, it doesn’t mean I’m 100% blind. I will, sir, be able to see you pulling out your fucking polaroid at the subway station to take a picture of me from three feet away. (True story. I looked damn cute that day, though, so can we blame him?). I’m visually impaired, so I do walk into a lot of things and people. I will miss you waving at me from five feet away, since I can’t see to either side of me and I’m usually focused on trying to see what’s in front of me. I can still beat my face like a RuPaul’s Drag Race reject, but I can’t ride a bike by myself. I can still go to work and do my thing, but I can’t see you handing me something. I can still text, use my computer, put together a cute lewk, and be an internet sensation, but I can’t find anything to save my life. Where’s my hearing aid? Where’d I leave my phone? What did I do with my lighter?
Trying to help me find something? Keep this in mind so I don’t hulk out on you
Game over. It takes me forever to find anything, because my eyes don’t scan the way someone who isn’t visually impaired would be able to. My boss likes to play a game on her iPad that has her looking for objects in a dark room with a flashlight that only lights up a small bit of said room- it would be a fun game to try out, except that’s my life. Poor embattled Joey and I went to Mexico last summer and he wanted to try out a ‘eat in the dark experience’ - except that was every dining experience I had, because “ambient lighting” really means “#sashagay comes mere millimetres away from impaling himself and/or giving himself a second-degree burn”.
So, I’ve never been normal. I’m relatively used to being different - it’s just on a bigger scale now. My friends are all graduating university or working their way up in their respective fields; they’re building careers and establishing themselves. For me, that’s a weird thing to think about, because how do I go about building a career when I A) don’t know what exactly I want to do with my life, and B) don’t really know how long I’ll have enough usable vision to work in that career? 80% of people who are legally blind are unemployed - and to me, that’s not unbelievable, because it’s hard to imagine what I’m going to do when I’m blind.
None of this is to say poor pitiful me, give me a pep talk about how I can do anything I can put my mind to. I’m not giving up on my life or any hope for the future. I consider myself a realist. If 80% of people who are legally blind are unemployed, there is a very good chance I will be in that percentage. If my vision is continuing to degrade, the likelihood of my life changing in a dramatic fashion is pretty damn high. People who say “you can do anything! I know a blind person who’s curing cancer, who’s an astronaut, who’s a grammy-award-winning singer” (hey Stevie Wonder!) are trying to be positive and uplifting. But those people are the exception to the rule. Telling me, unprompted, that I am going to be a force to be reckoned with and that nothing will stand in my way, is not helpful. I’ve never had astronomical aspirations for myself - all I wanted was to be normal. If I wasn’t going to win a nobel prize before, I really don’t see it happening anytime soon. It’s not defeatist, because I know I’m going to be okay. I’m going to work on my goals as they come. I’m going to do volunteer work when I can’t hold down a job. I’m going to be a fucking fabulous uncle to my nieces and nephews when they come around. I’m going to raise awareness and fight for the causes I believe in. I’ll just be adding a splash of Helen Keller realness to anything I do.
It’s just a weird situation to be in, to be in your early(ish) twenties and know that you’re going blind. How do you plan for that? How do you build a life around that? I said before: I like to be in control. I’m not. It’s scary. But I’ll be okay. I have an amazing family who would move hell and earth for me. I have Joey, who isn’t going anywhere so long as I can dangle a handicap parking spot in front of him. I have incredible friends and colleagues who would never leave me dangling on my own (except when they forget I can’t see them and turn and walk in a different direction than me - oops). I have new friends I’m making in the community - hey Mara! - who show me that I’m going to be okay, that retinitis pigmentosa isn’t game over.
I don’t have a super cute way to end all this, so I’ll just end off by saying I hope I’ve brought some awareness to y’all with all these words since it is retinitis pigmentosa awareness month. Here’s to not being normal!
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