Prince of Wishful Thinking: A Tom Lucitor Retrospective and Character Study: Part 1: Firey Little Shit

Star Vs the Forces of Evil is a .. complicated subject for me. When it started it was somewhat hit and miss but the premise was intresting: Star Butterfly is a magical princess, having just got her families ancestral wand.. and a few days later, or a jumpcut in the actual episode later materials revealed the actual time span, sets everything on fire and is sent to earth. There she meets best friend and, to my delight that eventually turned into “OH GOD JUST END THIS WILL THEY OR WON’T THEY SHIT ALREADY” I haven’t seen since the likes of Ross and Rachel that warrants it’s own damn article, and gets into various shenanigans while battling a gang of “monsters”, a general term for most non-mewmans  on Mewni, lead by a spoiled king, Ludo, who wants the wand. 

Things got turned on their head quickly, as “Mewnipendance Day’ revealed that the Mewmans (Humans in all but name really) took mewni by force, using magic to cast the monsters into poverty, which as the series and “Magic Book of Spells” would reveal, caused a cycle of death and bloodshed with no defendants. It changed the show for the better, as the plot, while heavy handed is a necessary one given these prejduice filled times we live in and how well it’s crafted. And it’s into the show slowly coming into it’s own a new character was introduced: He had been announced by the crew in the show’s press junket was in the title but took most of season 1 to show up... and he’d end up being one of the sho’ws saving graces as it dived into bullshit and go through one of the most through character arcs of the show. HIs name was Tom Lucitor, Star’s obsessive demon Ex-Boyfriend, and this is his story.

THE MAGIC BOOK OF SPELLS

Before we get there though, we have to take at rip down side material mountain... this time to the Magical Book of Spells. The Book of Spells was a real life verison of a book we’d seen in the show itself that recorded the previous queens of Mewni’s spells and held Glossarcyk, a magical being who assited the queens throughout the decades. The real version was used to tell each of the Queens, even the three we see on screen’s stories.. star included. As such it not only gives us some, if sadly not enough, more of his actual relationship with star pre-series, but also the full background on his kingdom’s relationship with hers. See while the Butterflies control the majority of mewni, their Kingdom isn’t endless and there are half a dozen others, most of which aren’t really that fleshed out. But The Lucitor’s are somewhat of an exception: The Lucitors rule the underworld, basically Mewni’s hell where all sorts of skeletons, demons and ghouls exist. You know funny little ghouls. 

I had to. Anyways the Lucitor kingdom also has Mewmans, due to some demons kidnapping a bunch years ago. Whoops.

Despite you know, kidnapping a bunch of their people, the Lucitors and Butterflies ended up close allies. This is thanks to the efforts of Mewni’s ambassador, Jushtin who was supposed to be Mewni’s first King to wield the wand... but his mom was pressured into having a sister. Said sister Solaria, to not mince words, was a genocidal monster who slowly descended into madness and tried to kill all monsters declaring outright war on them, but things were tense at first and they needed allies. So the Lucitors, along with the Cloud Kingdom of the Pony Heads which are exactly what they sound like, helped turn the tide. So things were cool for a few decades, and then we get to the reign of Rhina the Riddled. Rhina, who the book all but says is aromantic and likely asexual as well, was shoved into an arranged marriage with John Roachely, a second cousin who had no impact on the Lucitor side of the Genepool whatsoever and thus Star and Tom aren’t really related at all. I bring this up only because if I don’t tackle the incest allegations, someone will try and use that against me. I’d say i’m being paranoid but i’ve seen the rabid shippers use far less to attack Tom, so no. Rhina, to make things go smoother, cast a spell to make her love him.... it didn’t work longterm and, to get him to leave her, cast a heart break spell on him.. which LITERALLY broke his heart, and thus she was left a widow and the demons were not happy about her you know, whoopsie daisy murdering one of them likely set up with her a bridge between both sides and soured things for a while. Now you may all be asking: “Kay, intresting.. but what’s all this game of thrones but with flying pony heads, so better game of thrones, stuff gotta do with tom?” Well wait no more. Luckily for me, Star has a section in the book, and thus she spills the tea on her first metting with Tom. The two met at the Silver Bell Ball, an annual ball where the royalty of Mewni gather and the princes and princesses all dance once each as a good will gesture. The reason I went through the Rhina stuff is I’m guessing Star, who attended the ball every year according to the book and likely since at least she was old enough to dance, didn’t meet Tom earlier because his parents hadn’t been on good enough terms to bring him till he was 13, and River and Moon, Star’s parents, had succeeded in winning them over. The book nor the series dosen’t outright say this but given what we see later and what we have, it’s what i’m going with. We’ll get more into Tom’s personality when we get to his first in series appearance, but being a charming young man, and the first person her age at the ball Star found remotely attractive, they quickly set up a date for the boardwalk in the underworld for Cornshakes, because Mewni loves corn as much as I love Galarian Meowth. He looks so adorably homeless. But naturally if a snowball can’t last in hell, a shake can’t either, but even melted corn can’t ruin their good time and Tom even buys star a gift. I bring this up because said gift is star’s signiture devil horn headband. (Though Star is quick to announce she isn’t one of those annoying people who comes back from a trip thinking their a local). A real steal too at 14.99 or your second born’s soul. Most demons go for the first born, it’s a classy change of pace. The two eventually end up making it official, and star even gets a helpful pamphelt about Demons’ love of mascera, their anger and their tendency to tell their mom’s everything... the latter two will actually be really important as we go. But due to Tom’s anger as we’ll find out, the two end up breaking up and frustratingly we don’t learn the exacts just star was sad.. and that said depression lead to said kingdom distruction and the rest of the series. And since I covered the premise of the series above we can basically scoot right onto Tom’s first apperance.

BLOOD MOON BALL

Before this ep, Tom made a small cameo in another ep when her magic mirror, basically portrayed as working as a person sized video phone, accidently called him when she said call Mom. As a nice little bit of foreshadowing Tom flew into a rage at her preparing to hang up on him , even though it was a wrong number and they’d been broken up for a few   months at this point. But it’d be an agonizing wait for Tom. I was curious about the character, given not much had been revealed, I missed the episode with his cameo, and the animatic for BMB’s first scene was released months before the episode came out and was really funny and intresting. Said scene has Tom making one hell of an entrance, landing from the sky in a cool carriage with a skeletal horse, floating in and catching eyes and floating up to Star’s desk in class to ask her out with the moon.

Star.. has no interest and shoves tom, hilarious as while they just cut to the front of school, she had to have been mildly shoving him all the way from her class up a hallway, and outside. And passing Jackie, marco’s crush I bring up because why not and Janna, Star’s future close friend who we’ll get to more later, since he did earlier and they now have to go from oggling tom to wondering what the hell their seeing. She also tells him to take his dead horse back, which leads to one of my faviorite gags of the series  as said horse says “Wait, I was dead” and later, mid conversation about her going to said Ball, randomly interjects with “why didn’t you tell me I was dead?” That poor poor horse. You should come live with me. I don’t have a car, I could use a skeletal horse and I would tell you if you were dead man. Hit me up. But Tom tries to convince star he’s changed, he’s got an anger managment bunny, a counselor Brian (voiced by my guy Stephen Root, who you may better know as the voice of Bill Dautrive, the mayor in Amphibia or Bud Gleeful), and he’s doing fine.. then Marco goes and Karate chops his hand off, thinkign he was a danger. Tom gets really angry, to Star’s horror, which tells me she saw this sort of thing a LOT: tom getting this level of pissed at someone and likely leveling either them or everything around them. Thankfully Brian calms him down and Star introduces them and Tom , like the gentleman he is , gives her a bell to take her to the ball and time to think. Star, impressed by him calming down and trying, takes him up on it over Marco’s objections and worries about her safety, including the amasingly radar busting line “Never go with a predator to a second location” and the dance is on. As it turned out, Tom toned things down, ,less death and murder and more prom, to try and impress her and is annoyed when Star turns down his corsage.. which is a live spider. Which i’m generous to her on because spiders scare the shit out of me unless their pokemon. Seriously look at this sweetheart:

Who could be terrified of that face? Such a sweetie. Anyways, Tom is angry about it and his anger only increases when he wants to dunk himself and star in unicorn blood.. because while on earth dumping blood on someone makes them go on a psychic rampage you brought on yourselves, in the underworld is just a teen dance thing. But since one of Star’s best friend is a unicorn, something Tom has no excuse for not knowing as Pony is close to her and a princess in her own right and he had to have met her in his months dating star, and gets pissy over.. and star catches him having to pet his therapy bunny over it and walks off annoyed to get some punch.

And it’s with this Tom’s problems become apparent: He has charm, grace.. but he isn’t really TRYING to change, nor does he see WHY Star hates his anger. Sure he has a counsler, he has coping mechanisms things that would actually HELP him get better.. if he WANTED to. He dosen’t want to control his temper, he dosen’t want to get better he just wants Star back, and that’s why it’s not working: He’s making an effort, but it’s for the wrong reasons and without trying to tackle the root of his issues. He’s just trying to take the easiest way out, which is a problem that will crop up again next time. His second one is easier to illustrate when his plan becomes clear: turns out there’s a magical binding curse thing, it was clarified more in Season 4 but I feel no reason to leave it vauge here, and tom wants to bind his and Star’s souls together forever. He later admits he assumed she knew about that going in.. but it still dosen’t excuse his actions entirely and brings us to that flaw I was building towards: He’s selfish. He changed the ball to impress star, he shoved a corsage on her she didn’t one, got ANGRY, visably angry, at her turning down something he shoudl’ve known just by having dated her before would be a non-starter and worst of all he wanted to bind her to him forever without asking, just assuming she agreed by going. Star can be selfish at this stage too, especially this early on.. but underneath it she cares about people, even if she sometimes goes about it in the same fashion tom does here, she comes from a good place. Really both of this seems to come from them being royalty: both have had privlage their entire life and been insulated from a lot of things.. and Tom being raised in an environment where anger is normal and he gets whatever he wants from two loving parents and an army of servants, probably meant he never HAD to think of anyone else and as the series goes on, never had any friends except a Dog that we never see and probably sadly died. My theroy is Little Lord Fooleroy got ran over by Deatruk, the truck what runs over people, but i’m stupid like that. This winds up costing Tom his soul binding thing as Marco in disguise, being goaded by.. something that’s never remotely explained seriously what exactly the fuck was that creepy deep voice to crash the ball, ends up dancing with her. Shippers squeed, this was probably used in a jillion AMV’s.. and Tom naturally is pissssseeeed and ready to flambe Marco... until star takes him out with zero effort. They go home, Star berates Marco for not trusting her , end of episode.. oh and they speak in unison for a quick gag but i’m sure that won’t be important. As you can probably see her Tom was origianlly supposed to be a recurring pain in the backside for our heroes, showing up to win back Star, pull some “Nice Guy” Crap and then get his ass kicked most likely.. but after the end of Season 1, it was a fairly short season, the writers for whatever reason, and for the better decided to have Tom slowly change a bit.. but since him becoming a better person would be abrubt he has to do one lass dickhole thing first...

MR CANDLE CARES

And now we’ve come to Tom’s worst act, the thing that had he not fixed it the way he had at the end, made him an outright villain. Star and Marco have meetings with the new guidance counselor, who gives eveyrone else great career trajectories but for Star and Marco? Star gets a rather overbearing lecture on how she has to be queen when she grows up and probably shoudln’t date Marco and should be picking a future husband, ewwww, and Marco gets the unitetinonally, given Tom probably knows only about enough about earth to concot this scheme, offensive career path as janitor.. for an honor roll student with a bunch of extracurriculars. Yeah but Tom’s accidental racisim aside, while what he did to Marco was petty , what he’s trying to do to Star is creepy, basically using someone else to gaslight her into trying to get back together with him. But as noted above, Tom is selfish and as I haven’t noted yet he lacks some empathy.. so instead his advice sends Star spiraling not helped by her mother, Moon, basically telling her she has no choice in being queen and being happy dosen’t matter.. because Moon was kind of a dick at this stage. So while star gets a punk makeover and prepares to do something terrible to prevent her miserable future, Marco decides to confront candle and, as I didn’t even try to hide, Tom is behind this. Granted Tom wasn’t great at hiding it either, it’s just star was understandably concerned about her future and too distracted by that to pick up on how weirdly intrested Mr.Candle was in her dating life. But no i’ts Tom who is, and Marco baits him by pretending he and star are “Smooch Buddies”.. something the trailers for Season 2, and this episode was pretty early, used as a bait and switch, but I’m okay with it as most could probably tell something was up by the delivery. Naturally this proves to be a terrible idea, and i’d say it’s the dumbest thing Marco ever did if Season 3 didn’t take a sledgehammer to his character, but that’s an essay for another day, and Tom takes Marco back to his place to murder him... but Marco stands strong and Tom challenges him to a battle to the death, with Marco choosing ping-poing. Tom naturally destroys him.. but Marco uses the game to point some things out: After calling tom out for bascially cheating, since his powers give him the upper hand, Tom talks about Star doing the same, basically making up her own rules as soon as she looses. Marco then uses this to make tom see what a butt he’s been: The ping pong thing is just another example of how Star functions, doing whatever she wants and going her own way. It’s why being forced down the path of queen scares her so much, it’s responsiblity and rules and no fun as far as she can tell with no benifits. It’s why she rebels so much.. she can’t be told what to do.. which Marco makes Tom realize means he can’t control her, nor would he want to, and that he’s made a huge mistake. Tom forgoes killing Marco, and the two rush to star who’s on the edge of cutting of a mermaid’s tail to prevent her from ever being queen.. but just can’t do it. Star can be selfish, the above cheating shows that.. but she’s a good person deep down. Tom admits what he did.. and throughly apologizes for it, agreeing basically to let Star go and stop trying to force her back with him. Star does punch him for good measure, deservedly so, but they part on good terms and Marco reassures Star when she’s Queen she can rule her way, and they hug.. and notably Tom dosen’t get the least bit upset. Mr.Candle Cares is a good second ep. I’ve made no bones about how this is the worst thing Tom did: The controlling stuff at the ball was just selfish, the blood moon thing while not GREAT was asbent minded selfishness. This... it nearly broke star and ruined her future. However it comes from the same place as Blood Moon and his reaction at the end shows he simply didn’t consider star’s feelings.. and likely realize he HADN’T been. it wasn’t Marco’s fault they weren’t together, it was Tom’. While the Apology is a minor thing, it’s still a step in the right direction. As I said had he NOT backed away here he probably never would’ve gotten better or even if he tried, gone so far in trying to get star back he couldn’t walk it back. Here he hit his lowest point.. but thanks to Marco, he had a chance to turn it around before it was too late and grow as a person. This is where Tom gets compelling: he goes from a spoiled selfish douchey rich kid, to someone who clearly WANTS to be better, but has issue, social and otherwise, that make it an uphill battle. And with that we get to tom’s penultimate apperance for Season 2, and his last full one...

Friendenemies:

Tom shows up again and while Star tries to shoo him off before she has to get the shooing broom, Tom reveals he’s not there for Star but Marco. See he feels bad about you know, trying to kill him twice and wants to take Star’s Marco out tonight he’s gonna show him what he’s all about, he’s gonna get jacked up on some cheap champagne and let the good times all roll out. Marco understandably does not want a night out with a guy who was creepy to his best friend and tried murdering him twice, so Tom uses a bribe: tickets to the Mackie Hand, a martial artist that Marco is a huge fan of, film festival that Marco failed to get tickets to. With some encouragment from Star, who while not wanting to date Tom sees he’s genuinely making an effort, Marco agrees They hang out in Tom’s carriage which goes by tardis logic, if only, and to the creator’s credit, just so, and the two soon bond, finding a shared love of both Mackie Hand and the pop band love sentence, and Marco genuinely earns tom’s respect when some shades wearing piles of smug challenge our heroes, which Tom now counts as at this point, to a race, Marco agrees... then has them do nothing while the idiots speed up and get arrested and we get the blessed image above. The good times get interrupted though when it’s time for the marathon but tom locks him inside. And no this isn’t the start of some angry makeouts, as it turns out this was part of tom’s anger management therapy, but once again his propensity for the easy way out means he fails at it and burns up the tickets.. but Marco is more upset that Tom lied to him and pretended to be his friend and like mackie hand, though the love sentence thing was real> The whole thing plays more like a breakup than the end of a blossming friendship, which ties into how this episode got people shipping Marco and Tom with each other.. and rightfully so. While I don’t really ship it myself, I can see why as it has great chemstry and a great dynamic. Tom’s behavior here is part of why I say he has social issues, something I can relate to as a cave troll living in my mother’s basement: Tom dosen’t seem to have any real friends. Oh sure he can charm people, he has servants, two loving parents, and a screeching grandpa whose on the wall of my own personal heroes along with Ric Flair, My Mother, Stan Lee, Peter David, Rebecca Sugar and many more, but he dosen’t have FRIENDS. Star seems to be his first relationship and the first thing resembling a true friend he had, so while his behavior was a tad creepy it makes sense why he clung to her. And that shows here: He tries superfically bonding with marco, faking an intrest, giving him gifts, partying.. but it’s both forming a genunine connection over something, Love Sentence, and just sharing some memories that ended up making them friends. But yeah after Marco sings a sad pop ballad, or part of one. Tom decides to do a three point grand romantic gesture and raises Mackie Hand from the dead, and when Mackie isn’t allowed into his own film festival he fights the ticket guy and tom and marco watch and while they say they hate each other, the two’s friendship is forged. Marco finally has a friend outside of two doofuses and .. does Janna count? I dunno. She’s less of a friend and more of a gremlin who steals his things constantly while being actual friends with his bestie. Before we close out this leg there’s one final episode for season 2 with Tom in it to cover and dive into: Naysaya.

Naysaya comes literally just before the mid-season finale and Tom sadly disappears for the rest of the season, though he’ll be back and in greater numbers  in Season 3. I’m not covering it full because it’s not a full on tom episode, he only has a short cameo, but he is important to it and his one brief bit shows off his  character. In short Marco is finally asking out Jackie Lynn Thomas, his crush and a great character in her own right who sadly all but vanished from the show shortly into season 3 after something we’ll get to in passing next time, but got some great closure and was revealed to be Pansexual, so good for her. Marco had been building up to this for the last two seasons: first realizing thanks to time shenanigans he never made a move, then actually talking to her, and then not only telling her how he felt but realizing he didn’t know her but he’d like to. So now he’s ready to ask her out but every time he tries, written or spoken, it comes out as his most embarrassing secrets before the little neck tumor man comes out up there and does it for him. Thanks to Janna, local roustabout mentioned above, who after teasing Marco as is her usual response to anything with him, uses her knowledge of the spooky oooky to find out what that thing is: a Naysya, a curse born creature that spills it’s target’s most embarrassing secrets at whoever they try to court. Naturally, given Tom was an insanley jealous ball of asshole until a few episodes ago, it’s his fault though showing his slow growth, while he’s entirely suprised Marco asked no one out since the ball, says the guy who did two schemes and a shenanigan trying ot get star back, he’s also sorry and assumed it’d worn off or he would’ve told him sooner, and tells him how: he has to let all his insecurities out> Marco nearly withdraws over this due to being 90% insecurity, but eventually buckles down and tells jackie every embrassing thing about  him and.. it works. Naysaya leaves and he and Jackie go out on a group date. And with that Tom is gone for a while but he, and this retrospective will be back.  I owe a huge debt of grattitude to @jess-the-vampire​, a dear friend, and wish her a happy belated birthday. She was a willing and helpful resource and worth a follow. And if you want more stuff like this, comics reviews, and what have you, feel free to follow or comisson me. Until next time, keep the home fires burning. 

Quick! Top 10 best James TeamRocket episodes of all time and why are they good?

OH GOOD ASK TELLY. im actually gonna just to top 5 because i have too many feelings and putting them all in one ask makes me anxious haha.

5. DP153/The Treasure is All Mine! - bruh they really gave an homage to my favourite episode of pokeani smack dab in the middle of DP. god i lov this ep. i can’t believe they acknowledged james’ backstory in such detail so so late in the series and so far after his initial episode. mostly i love this episode because we actually get to see a lot of bby james living his life as a kid and it drops the BOMB that he actually did have feelings for his ex fiancee at one point, incredibly shallow ones that rode entirely on the fact that he thought she was pretty, and OH BY THE WAY SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE JESSIE BUT NO ROCKETSHIPPING BRO. i have too many feelings about this. also growlie was there i love growlie. also finally got jessie in disguise as jessebelle why’d that take so long??? i mean probably because the writers aren’t cruel enough to do that to james but yknow.

4. AG147/Sweet Baby James - god i just watched this episode for the first time in japanese and it’s so good. it’s so fucking good. i think my favourite thing about this episode is that it lets you know there were at least two more people looking out for james in his childhood. so he had them and his growlithe, which is a comforting thought. every time he starts talking abt his childhood i black out from heartbreak lol. i love this whole arc of the anime because james’ chimecho is arguably his favourite pokemon of all time and when he finally gets one he helicopter parents it to an extent that it’s kinda virtually useless from a story perspective (hence why it got written out so quick) and despite his obsession with protecting it from harm, it ends up getting so sick it can’t travel with him anymore. so even though it’s not explored there’s this underlying lesson he has to learn that no matter how much he loves something he can’t protect it from everything, and i think it would’ve been really cool if they had explored that more because in a way james is kind of perpetuating a cycle in how he was treated (sheltered, stifled, and locked away) on the closest thing he has to a child of his own. only instead of out of control and abuse, he makes that mistake out of love. again none of that is expanded upon in the episode, but this episode lays the GROUNDWORK for it, and i love that. it’s also really good how devoted he is to staying by its side, how easily he truces with team twerp and turns on his teammates for wanting to rob his estate & fuck everything up, and just how good of a person he is in this episode, owning up to his lies and staying true to himself. i rly think this episode is the rawest we ever get james? like this is him at heart, no facades, no fronts, just james as he is. i love that. i love him.

3. SM058/Fighting Back the Tears! - This episode belongs more to Mareanie than it does to James but upon rewatching it a few times I just gotta say: its good. Esp on a second rewatch. Mareanie does a lot of Questionable Things in the beginning of this episode u don’t understand until you know her backstory, and then once you do it hits twice as hard. Her and James have so many moments of quiet love together, talking one on one, and the way he speaks to her is with so much softness in his voice it quite literally rots my teeth out of my skull. There’s a lot of subtle callbacks to James’ own backstory that I’m downright ANGRY weren’t explored (Mareanie and James have the same backstory. They were both wronged by their first love and found a second chance in a partner who resembles those first loves. Despite being a direct parallel, THIS IS NEVER MENTIONED OR DISCUSSED??? POKEANI???) Oh and there’s whump & h/c. James is deathly poisoned at one point and his friends are at his bedside looking after him while he deliriously makes poor life choices. Also James fights a tentacruel w/ his bare fists. Also there’s a slutty bisexual crown of thorns starfish in this episode. a+. good episode. 

2. DP146/Dressed for Jess Success! - i’ll do the horny part first: fetish brain like sick girl oughghhghhhg jessie hot sexy. K ANYWAYS this is my second fave episode of all time. mostly for horny reasons but theres a lot of good shit happening that isn’t that. despite only ever posting abt jessie when i liveblog this episode it’s actually an episode about james and meowth and jessie doesn’t do much besides scream at her tv while on a lot of cold medicine. this episode is fucking hysterical to me because james is really really good at being in disguise as any old rando, melts into roles perfectly, and overall never sees any of that as a burden--but the SECOND he has to act as the literal woman he has spent the last 10+ years of his life with he freezes up and is like “I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING??? HELP” like he can’t fathom it. that is so fucking funny. like is he scared he’s gonna come home and jessie’s gonna shove him in a closet and scream at him for being ooc. the other thing thats good about this episode is james spends like 10 minutes slinking around the contest hall like “ughghghg im not a fucking coordinator meowth lets lose” and he then proceeds to eviscerate not only the competition but the literal heroine as well, i mean he just EVISCERATES dawn. he has almost full points when he beats her and she has NONE. he humiliates the poor girl. and he gets the loudest cheers the MC has ever heard. loud enough that jessie yells at him fsdghfsg “i don’t like that you as me got more applause than i as me!!!” LIKE JAMES IS SECRETLY A REALLY GOOD COORDINATOR... CAN WE PLEASE GET MORE OF JAMES IN CONTESTS. fuck i love this episode. did i mention jessie’s hot 

1. EP048/Holy Matrimony! - Like dude do I have to say any more about this episode... beyond being the quintessential Backstory Episode it has one of the most pivotal rocketshipping moments in it. The black comedy is so fucking good and makes you feel all kinds of weird for laughing and that is my favourite feeling of all. There’s a vileplume AND a growlithe, like thats a wombo combo of good pokemon. Everyone in the dub of this ep is blitzed off chaotic energy. Rachael Lillis does a steel magnolia accent for like 20 mins & they named her character after a biblical figure who gets eaten by wild dogs. I’m p sure Eric Stuart transcends his mortal form to make New Noises. This is the least objective part of this list because this is my favourite pokemon episode and I will take NO feedback or constructive criticism.

Episodes 11-13

Brock confuses a piece of grass for a bug just to make Misty freak out.

Ah shit, Charmander, not this episode. The feels are coming back already.

Why does Misty keep trying to catch non-water Pokemon? These people and their elemental ethics.

The entirety of Pikachu trying to explain what Charmander said pisses me off. Every bit of it. How does Ash speak Pikachu but not Charmander, and why does he have to have the last bit of everything Pikachu relays to him be done in charades? How was Charmander caught at all if he belonged to another trainer? Don't Pokeballs just bounce off Pokemon owned by others?

Fucking Charmander in the rain with the leaf over it's flame, come on heart, we can survive another break.

How does this shitty english accented Damien have so many Pokemon with him? I wish I could have more than 6 at a time. He has like 16.

Damien is such a dick to Pokemon, how did Charmanader ever like him in the first place?

Is there Pokemon abuse laws in this universe? There should be if not.

Pokemon aren't supposed to be used in personal fights, ruining all of my rival battles in every video game so far. Sorry about that Dickbutt (my rival of course).

Misty in the span of one sentence says that this is dangerous and they shouldn't be doing it and then follows that up with a wink and "Gotta help a Pokemon in need." Everyone is so fucking wishywashy in this show.

Spearow are just real dicks.

Damien and his gang leave the Pokecenter in the middle of the night during a pretty bad storm cementing my speculations on his intelligence.

Ash without a hat ruins my headcanon.

Charmander was in a glass rehibilation thing last we saw him, but somehow opened a window and bailed during the night.

Brock gives more of a shit about Charmander than Ash, but he ends up with that shitty Zubat. I hate that thing.

Jesse and James syncing for their motto was a little off and it bothered me much more than I anticipated it would.

More pitfalls.

The giant drill machine has legs and hides behind a thin tree. This works.

Team Rocket calls themselves geniuses for digging a hole. For the second time.

This balloon bazooka thing just weirds me out. It somehow followed Pikachu, moved super slow but caught it still, and somehow the balloon absorbed Pikachu and then shrank to a fourth it's normal size.

Charmander keeps doing the gimme hands and it's adorable.

Charmander flamethrowers the group but doesn't melt the rubber balloon to Pikachu's flesh, disfiguring it for life.

Damien left in the middle of the night but ends up where Ash and co. are at the most coincidental time.

Damien is still Charmander's trainer, can Pokemon just choose to release themselves if they dislike their trainers too much? Did Ash steal Charmander?

Not gonna lie, Charmander is the most hype part of the series so far for nostalgia reasons. That dude is a hero.

That makes pitfall number 3 for the series.

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE, SQUIRTLE SQUAD

Brock asks a bunch of Squirtle who they are like they're gonna answer him in something other than "Squirtle"

Second to the right Squirtle gave his life for the horde.

Old Western shootout theme is dope, no lie.

Can Jenny stop her bike in anyway other than a sliding drift?

Jenny and Joy are the laziest shits animators could do, but I love it.

"They're not troublemakers they're just misguided" excuse for the Squirtle Squad.

Jesse's rant about world domination being greater than lunch is ended with her stomach proving her wrong.

None of these sunglasses should be able to stay on the Squirtle's faces.

Pitfall number 4.

Terrible translation about jelly doughnuts meme.

So like, Meowth can speak to Pokemon in human speech and they understand him just fine? This does nothing to help my understanding of interspecies conversations that take place in this show.

Pikachu Thundershocks everything but it's target.

Rapid Spin, not a Gen 1 move, Squirtle is cheating.

Oh God, another Goldeen.

This Goldeen is pissed.

Just fucks Pikachu up out of the blue.

Where did the Squirtle Squad get all this rope?

Pikachu requires specifically Super Potion to heal from the Goldeen attack. Nothing else will suffice.

Where did the Squirtle Squad get purple hair dye, and WHY do they have purple hair dye?

You can tell someone is doing something important by the way they fall when doing normal activities in this show.

Ash's upper body strength is really impressive for a 10 year old.

ANOTHER GOLDEEN

Gary mothafuckin Oak, ladies and gentlemen.

Jesse pulls a bazooka on the people in the shop. A bazooka.

The bazooka fire cherry blossom petals?

So many guns in this episode but didn't they ban a later episode for having guns in it? What makes these guns okay? Is it the cherry blossom bazooka?

Jenny knows a secret passageway to the hidden cave where the Squirtle Squad stays?

Charmander's voice is the best.

The end of the secret passageway was blocked by a rock so how did Jenny even know about this passageway to begin with or that it would lead there? I'm so confused.

Purple hair dye was just a prank bro.

Squirtle fell over and it can't get up.

Ash had two literal bombs thrown on him and just gets his clothes dirty.

Squirtle going ham and picking Ash up over it's head while crying made me legitimately laugh.

Even Team Rocket doesn't understand how Ash and Squirtle got from the cave entrance to the top of the cliffs.

Smokey was wrong, only the Squirtle Squad could put out forest fires.

Ash has gotten so many freebies in his journey so far. 4 of his 6 Pokemon just kind of rolled with him, 1 of the other 2 was Caterpie so who counts that. Two free badges on top of that?

I fear I'll memorize the PokeRap by the end of this.

The very next episode actually just rails Ash for all the freebies he's gotten. Dope.

Krabby just foaming at the mouth always cracks me up.

Ash tries to swordfight Krabby with a stick to weaken it instead using any Pokemon.

It works.

Why did Damien's excess Pokemon not phase away like Krabby did?

Why in the world was there a random cut to Oak making ramen thrown in lol

Brock gets them into the lighthouse by offering to make bacon cheeseburgers for the guy running it.

Bellsprout phone makes me jealous I don't have a Bellsprout phone.

So much random ass tofu in this episode.

Of course Gary caught a Krabby too that's three times bigger than Ash's.

More mouth foaming, love it.

OH SHIT, THIS IS BILL'S LIGHTHOUSE? HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER?

Bill just chills in the best Kabuto cosplay of all time.

I want to see Jesse and James do their random motto and movements from someone else's point of view.

The acoustics in this lighthouse are stunning.

So Dragonite is the Pokemon Bill was referring to being the last of it's kind but that is prove to be untrue. Is this a diffent kind of Dragonite or Pokemon?

This is also legitimately one of the most vivid memories I have of the original series, watching Godzillanite come out of the water.

Second size matters joke made in this children's show.

Godzillanite knows Bill isn't the one who fucked with him but leaves anway, leaving it all alone again.

Dragonite cloud doesn't help not make me mad that they never come back to Godzillanite in a future episode.

Pokemon, parent time!

Alolan Oak does the opening! Showing... Hanako, Kukui's mother, Mallow's father, and the Rockets! Family members, haha...

Satoshi is doing homework. Good child XD

Roto has a WALL OF TEXT. Roto pls. Satoshi.exe has stopped working. Kukui comes to the rescue with snacks! I hope that's hot chocolate or tea, Satoshi really doesn't need coffee XD

Litten does a good impression of Cedy at... any time. "FEED ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD."

Suddenly at the door, it's Hanako!!

Opening! Still not updated dangit.

Poor Satoshi seems distinctly unsettled! There's a school open day of sorts, apparently, so Hanako is going to be attending! He seems much happier after that.

Introductions! ...2/3 of them are sleeping haha. Roto is awake, at least! Litten gets scooped up and yowls in shock before melting from the really nice scritchies :D

Sudden despair! Oh dear, Satoshi, are you okay?

Litten <3 cuddles. Oops, and here's Rowlet and Rockruff for even more cuddles, by trampling all over poor Litten in the process!

Hey, old lady! Are you showing up as Litten's parent? ;D Litten gets some happy scritchies from her, too!

Lillie is here with her... butler. Wow goodness I wonder where her parents are :|

Hanako meets Vulpix! That's fair, she did bring the egg all the way from Kanto!

All the parents! Hanako meets Sophy's parents, Lana's mother and REALLY ENERGETIC TWIN SISTERS are there...

Roto apparently is about to say something, and Satoshi, shocked, hides them suddenly! Huh!

Time for a speech, huh? ...Oh my gosh is Roto impersonating his voice? SATOSHI PLS. SATOSHI NO THAT'S CHEATING.

Ad break!

'Satoshi' continues his speech. While the parents are impressed, his classmates are highly skeptical. And whoops, Kukui's spotted Roto behind him - and they're starting to overheat!

Satoshi.exe has definitely stopped working. Oh dear! Kukui intervenes, and somehow he gets a positive reaction? I have no idea what happened lmfao

Whoops, apparently there's Alola!! in the background so it had to be muted on the stream. Damn XD

Open Day! Looking at stuff the kids have made.

Uh oh, Skull grunts! They nab some Tauros and start terrorising people. Bad Skull, no biscuits!

OOOH HANAKO GOING TO TELL THEM OFF. She finally sets down Litten, and orders them to attack! You can do it, Litten!

Here's some backup - Satoshi, Mallow, and Kiawe. Little bit fairer now! Sophy and Lillie also hurry over. Satoshi prepares for a fight, wonders where Rowlet is, asleep in Mallow's arms, whoops - never mind, here's a battle, and Hanako gets to see a GIGAVOLT HAVOK!

Well that worked XD

Hanako has adopted Litten. Same tbh.

Open Day is all over, and time for Hanako to go again! One last cuddle for Litten (but not for her only child lmfao oh dear), and she's off!

Oooh, they made changes to the ED! BEWEAR ERRYWHERE.

Pokemon Problem - showing off Hanako. Little clip of her talking to the old lady at the market. Meanwhile, Litten sneezes in their sleep.

Next week - SKULL VS ROCKET. Hey, Skull grunt, hands off Meowth!

What happened when I visited Sam

I lifted my hand and dropped it. I lifted it again knocked on the door. Sam's mom's car wasn't in the driveway. A meowth scratched at the other side of the door and mewed. My palms were sticky. Is she home?

"Come in!" a small voice said. I opened the door. The meowth ran away from the door and onto the sofa. Sam lied on it with a blanket covering her lower half. Painkillers, chips, and a cup of half-drank water sat on the coffee table. The bouquet plastic wrapping crinkled in my hands when I took off my shoes. "This looks cheesy," I said, "but... I got you flowers." A soft smile spread across her face. "Thank you. I'll ask my mom to put them in a vase." I set the peonies on the coffee table. "I'm sorry I didn't get up and greet you, I..." "It's fine," I said. "I know you're in pain." She pulled her feet up to make room for me on the couch. I told her not to bother and sat on the floor in front of her. She wore a beanie with her tangled hair tucked inside. She had bags under her eyes. Chip crumbs sprinkled across her shirt. "You look nice today," I said. She laughed. "You're just saying that." "I'm not." "Considering what I've been through, I guess that's fair," she said. I wanted to reach out and rub her shoulder, but my hand stuck to my side. Would she be okay if I did that? "What exactly happened with the surgery?" I said. "I don't know if you'll understand this, but..." she said. "My TH1 vertebrae, the first vertebrae in the thoracic part of my spine, was sitting a whole lot to the right to where it was supposed to. I didn't have any huge curves in my back or anything, just a painful and potentially dangerous kink. They just kinda... cut me up and screwed some pins in to straighten it and keep it straight." "That sounds awful," I said. "It hurts a lot." Her face screwed up. "I've been really loopy all day. I'm trying to act normal in front of you." She leaned over and hugged me. I stiffened, surprised. "S-sorry," she said, but I hugged her back. Warmth spread throughout my chest and I melted into her. It didn't feel strange, despite I was leaning up from the floor to hold her on the sofa. "Am I hurting you?" I said. "No. Will you... come sit with me?" I pulled myself onto the couch. I didn't sit, but crawled into the blanket with her. I did it before my brain could register what happened. Oh my god. But Sam was fine. More than fine. She wrapped her arms around me. All the cells in my body felt like tiny fireworks went off in them. She might've been disoriented from painkillers, but I didn't mind this situation. "You have pretty green eyes," she mumbled. I looked into hers. Her face was close. Then she pressed her face into my chest. My heart battered against my sternum. This was really happening. I kept my hands on her upper back; I thought moving them might hurt her. She was soft. We're all girls this soft? "You're really brave," I said. "It's something I had to do," she said. "I'm glad I'm better now." "I don't know if this is technically better." I had an urge to kiss her head. "It's relative. I'll keep getting better from now on." She squeezed me gently. "Especially since you're here." I pressed my lips against her hat. She wouldn't know, I made sure to be inconspicuous. She might've thought I was just adjusting my position. "By the way," Sam said, "my mom is going to come home soon." "Oh." I gulped. "I'd better move." "No." She wound her fingers into my shirt. "Stay here a little longer." A corner of my mouth turned up into a smile. "If you insist." Her meowth meowed. I forgot it was sitting at our feet. Sam chuckled. "Do you want to come over here too?" The meowth crawled over our legs to our sides and sat in the small crevice between our bodies. "Thank you for coming," Sam said. My heart squeezed. "I'll do anything to help you," I said.