Eurovision 2023: #25
25. NORWAY
Alessandra - "Queen of Kings"
5th place
Decade ranking: 73/166
[Above The Roop, below Mia Dimsic]
TikTok is a scourge on this world.
For those that wondered what a bad non-Noa 2023 result looks like, I present the above. Like yeah sure ITALY is the biggest offender of "Gets Votes Due To Pre-Built Expectations" on average but honestly... Norway's kinda up there too lately. AND ALTHOUGH I'M RANKING HER AHEAD OF MARCO, NORWAY'S RESULT OFFENDS ME WAY MORE. Third in the televote, really? Over Joker Out? Over Monika? Over Brunette? If that is what fan service is supposed to deliver, then the fans of this show are pieces of shit -- April Lewis, me.
I struggle with verbalizing why Alessandra is so meh to me. I should like this. She's camp, her song's uptempo, she was even decent on the night (after being bad literally every other time she had to perform). WHAT IS MISSING HERE?! WHY IS THIS ENTRY NOT AS GOOD AS ADVERTISED?
The issue really is that Queen of Kings is kind of boring. When you think about it, it's just a bunch of uptempo nothing carried by dumb lyrics and a basic techno beat. [ed.: you will NEVER be Cecilia] When Alessandra showed up in MGP (which was bad) and unexpectedly beat Ulrikke (who was attempting a Husavík - embarrassing) it was great though, in part BECAUSE she was basic and relied heavily on the live autotune. (lol you forgot MGP had live autotune, didn't you?). To finally have something, anything upbeat in what looked like a pretty meh pool, Norway temporarily gave me a lifeline I could cling to during these dire times of need! NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN STOP THE SPREAD OF A WITCH!!! SHE WILL BE THE WARRIOR OF THE NORTHERN SILENT SEAS!!!
And that is the ONLY reason Alessandra made it as far as she did on my ranking.
But then, things got better. Promise happened. Carpe Diem happened and Cha Cha Cha happened. Gustaph and Vesna, whom I had doubts about at the time improved drastically at the contest. Mimicat and Loreen and Pasha delivered as expected. There weren't many good entries (compared to 2022 and especially 2021), but a few did show themselves. Norway meanwhile, were on their fourth shallow meme entry in a row and enough. Time to try something else girlies. Why couldn't this televote result have gone to Edgar instead? (lol I have harsh words for that one too, but patience, children, first we have smaller fish to fry)
Ultimately, "Queen of Kings" was vaguely camp Eurovision pulp at its silliest and most scuffed (the fucking NERVE NRK had to try and frame it as a ~Secretly Complex Bisexual Anthem~ like, literally: die), but I find those traits more charming in filler entries nobody has high expectations for (Solo is HERE to stay for a while, and you will deal) and kinda embarrassing in overrated fanfave beasts designed to steal televotes from the plucky underdogs that truly deserved them. But hey, maybe that's just me. 🤷♀️
THE RANKING
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Eurovision Fact #277:
Norway's 2022 entry Subwoolfer is the only Eurovision entry where the true identities and faces of the contestants were not publicly revealed during the time of participation.
However, after the conclusion of the contest, UK entry, Sam Ryder, was cited as saying that Ben Adams from British-Norwegian pop band A1 was half of the intergalactic duo. Ryder said that he saw Adams on a buffet line, and he concluded that he must be a member of Subwoolfer. Ryder also said that as he was interacting with the duo while they were in costume, he kept thinking that he knew he was talking to “Ben from A1,” but he didn’t want to let on that he knew.
At Melodi Grand Prix 2023, this was confirmed as Subwolfer performed ‘Give that Wolf a Banana’ which slowly mixed with their song ‘Worst Kept Secret.’ During the performance, they stripped away their yellow gloves, turned backstage, and with the help of some backup dancers, removed their wolf heads. On screen, the names Ben Adams and Gaute Ormåsen flashed as they sang “that’s not my name, is it Ben? Is it Gaute?”
[Sources]:
‘Eurovision: Sam Ryder confirms Ben Adams is Subwoolfer after buffet meet-up,’ msn.com.
Subwoolfer - Worst Kept Secret (Official MGP Performance), YouTube.com.
Turin 2022 Participants: Subwoolfer, Eurovision.tv.
Turin 2022 Participants, Eurovision.tv.
Rotterdam 2021 Participants, Eurovision.tv.
Tel Aviv 2019 Participants, Eurovision.tv.
Lisbon 2018 Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2017 Kyiv Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2016 Stockholm Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2015 Vienna Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2014 Copenhagen Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2013 Malmö Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2012 Baku Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2011 Düsseldorf Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2010 Oslo Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2009 Moscow Participants, Eurovision.tv.
2008 Belgrade Participants, Eurovision.tv.
Eurovision Song Contest 2008 - Grand Final - Full Show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 2007 SEMIFINAL full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 2006 - Semi-Final (AI upscaled - HD - 50fps), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 2005 Semifinal HD, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 2004 Semi-Final (FULL SHOW), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 2003 - Full Show (AI upscaled - HD - 50fps), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 2002 - Full show - British commentary - BBC - Remastered HD, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 2001 - Full Show (AI upscaled - HD - 50fps), YouTube.com.
Full show • HD • Eurovision Song Contest - Stockholm 2000, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1999 (English Commentary), YouTube.com.
🔴 1998 Eurovision Song Contest BBC Full Show (Presenter & Commentator: Terry Wogan) FULLY SUBTITLED, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1997 (No commentary), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1996, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1995 (English Commentaries), YouTube.com.
Full show • HD • Eurovision Song Contest - Dublin 1994, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1993 Full Show (No Commentary), YouTube.com.
#EurovisionAgain - Eurovision Song Contest 1992 - Full Show - No Commentary - Remastered HD, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1991, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1990 (No commentary), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1989 - Full Show (AI upscaled - HD - 50fps), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1988 - Full Show HQ, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1987 (English Commentaries), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1986 (Full show from NRK) Full HD, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1985 - Full Show HQ, YouTube.com.
Full show • Eurovision Song Contest - Luxembourg 1984, YOuTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1983 - Full Show (AI upscaled - HD - 50fps), YouTube.com.
🔴 1982 Eurovision Song Contest from Harrogate / England - Full Show (No Commentary), YouTube.com.
Full show • Eurovision Song Contest - Dublin 1981, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1980, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1979 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1978 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1977 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1976 - Full Show HQ, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1975 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1974 - Full Show HQ, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1973 - Full Show (AI upscaled - HD - 50fps), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1972 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1971 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1970 - full contest - No Commentary, YouTube.com.
#EurovisionAgain - Eurovision Song Contest 1969 - Full Show - Remastered HD, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1968 - Full Show (50fps), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1967 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1966 (Full Show), YouTube.com.
Eurovision 1965 Full Show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1964 (Full Show), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1963 [English commentary], YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1962 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1961 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1960 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1959 - full show, YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1958 (Full Show), YouTube.com.
Grand Prix Eurovision 1957 (Full show from HR), YouTube.com.
Eurovision Song Contest 1956 (Full Show), YouTube.com.
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thanks @landoom for the tag!! finally one of these i get to do (i keep getting tagged in wip ones and uhhh i write my fics in one sitting i do not have wips)
Star sign:
libra
Favorite holiday:
i don't really like holidays. i romanticise christmas the most so i'll pick that, but christmas day itself is horrible.
Last meal:
i just cooked a lovely quorn & chickpea curry and had it with some rice for dinner
Currently favorite musician:
i'm a basic white girl, taylor swift. i have been exploring the basic white girl genre though, listening to maisie peters & carly rae jepsen also.
side note that it's also eurovision season so my usual music taste is mostly out the window for national selection songs (if you're curious, here's my playlist for my favourite national selection songs)
Last music listened to:
currently playing is my ai by super rob and erika norwich
Last movie watched:
descendants. it was a bop!
Last TV show watched:
technically tv i guess! the nrk mgp artist announcements. give me 20 minutes and it will be mgp semi final 1 :D
Last book/fic finished:
no idea on book, i don't think i've finished one in 2024 yet. last fic was of course the last jet lag fic to be written: restless night
Last book/fic abandoned:
christmas for beginners by carole matthews. it was bad.
Currently reading:
one night in italy by lucy diamond. it is a stretch to say i'm currently reading it though. it's on my bedside table looking at me longingly whenever i doomscroll myself to sleep.
Last thing researched for writing/art/hyperfixation:
uhhhh i think it was going back to rewatch some of jet lag season 7 to check on adam's disguise in germany
Favorite online fandom memory:
there's so many oh my goodness - i'll go for a recent one though. learning how to edit and adam finding (and really liking) one of the videos i made. he's such a sweetheart.
Favorite Old Fandom You Wish Would Drag You Back In/Have A Resurgence:
doctor who. i haven't followed it in a while and keep meaning to get back into it. star wars too, but i'm still too bitter about what disney have done to come back into it.
Favorite Thing You Enjoy That Never Had an Active or Big "Fandom" but You Wish It Did:
i'm saying jet lag the game, because our fandom is me and like four other people and i want more friends to talk about it with! i need more people to write fics and make beautiful art!!!
Tempting Project You're Trying to Rein In/Don't Have Time For:
*gestures wildly at my whiteboard of fic ideas*
a specific one would be a sci-fi jet lag au that i've been brainrotting over for a week or so now. i barely have time for what i'm writing now, i don't have capacity for another au. no matter how cute it would be.
Tagging (feel free to ignore): @autumnwaste @jetlaggedtomz @vroombeams @dontrollthedicesideblog @jackredfieldwasmyjacob
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