#notes to myself to print out the pcs my friend made for me
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{2022生2月} February Screenshots
// Spirit & Strife Zine
I watched Advent Children 5 times between end 2021- beginning 2022 and practiced on his outfit before finally deciding to draw CC Cloud instead. I usually tackle full-bodies for zines, it was a pleasant change to paint a portrait for once~
These are wip-screenshots from both painting and standee I designed (I think they look really cool, I’m happy to share hehe)! This standee is the first piece of merchandise I ever made and it holds a very special place in my heart! Thank you very much for the opportunity ♥ !!
I am currently uploading the timelapse of the painting and I should get to uploading the standee BTS once my package arrives *crosses fingers!* I’ve been keeping for so long, but I’d love to have the entire experience of traditonal-to-digital-to-final_product in one video so I’ll hold for as long as it needs..! ☆ UPDATE FURTHER DOWN, the video is mADE!!
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As a surprise for being here, here’s the little eerie edit I ended up inserting in the timelapse as an add-on
I had 2 files corrupted while working on this. I don’t remember what happened anymore (let me check discord).
..
right
I don’t remember mentioning if I lost any work, but I will assume I lost a couple of hours (+2hrs of trying to restart my pc and make it work again 💀).. Gladly this time there was a very pleasant recovery file which I duplicated and feared every time I saved in PS //cries
Unfortunately file corruptions occur more often now, that's my signal that my poor pc needs an upgrade (who can afford one in this economy??? Prolong the lives of your machines, friends!). I'll live in fear and 5 backup files until I decide my hardware hates anything above 5000px+ files and I go smaller (which is not happening, sorry friend, we'll have to keep being fried a little longer.. hang in there..)
[9月2日Update]
I have uploaded the second (and final) timelapse with a little assembly video at the end and some extras~
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I have the habbit of working at least x2 bigger in file than what goes into print. First lesson learned was this is unnecessary in merch-making of small sizes (I actually worked x3~4 times bigger and it shows in the video why it was a bad idea //wheeze) especially since my lineart is very thin and it gets lost if shrinked. I’ve watched so many merch-making vlogs in the past years, print-test got drilled in my brain and forced myself to test it at least once (gotta be professional about it, right? ;3) It wasn’t too early on, but it was early enough to change the composition of the piece as it set realistic expectations to what would work out or not (the size was so important, I hadn’t realised it would shrink so much because I obviously read very well and was fully aware of the OG size provided by the lovely mods). From the original design to the final I made a lot of changes and I was too obsessed with the meteor to let go. I cut at least 5mins (already sped-up) of me trying to lineart it and failing miserably so I switched back to PS and did it there. I cannot watch my own timelapse anymore without feeling dread and bored lmao, my convolution makes my skin crawl, so meticulous.. If it’s interesting to anyone I’ll be happy, if not then I am not surprised, I am not either! It made a beautiful base regardless, so it was worth it~ On a final note, no I did not 100% forget what kind of idea I had for the flaming buster sword (the meteor was supposed to reflect-in-tiny over it) and completely ignored my initial sketch to polish something I wasn’t sure what it was. It works out in the end so we’re good ok.
If there’s one thing I am taking from working on this is; don’t experiment when merch-making, it will make your life so much easier to stick to a process but knowing myself this is not happening. It’s just not me lol //runs
I am in denial that the zine is finally wrapping up.. It’s been such a wonderful experience sharing the Cloud love between us (for ~7 months?? time flies ;;;;;;!!) //is emotional..
I am very grateful and honoured to be part of this wonderful project ♥ thank you everyone for your lovely company during this time ;; I will always hold our little chit-chats and cloud-love-sharing dearly in my heart. Mod team, you are STELLAR and I hope one day our roads cross again💫!!
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Thank you for making it this far 🌦️
Leftover sales will be up soon, so follow @strifezine // Spirit & Strife zine as it’s your last chance of grabbing a copy or merch item if you missed out on the first round!
#digjsketch#digisketch#digitalsketch#screenshotception#screenshotbsession#myart#ffvii#ffviicc#ff7cc#crisis core cloud#cloud strife
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Excel, Word, Access, Outlook
Previously on computer literacy: A Test For Computer Literacy
If you’re a computer programmer, you sometimes hear other programmers complain about Excel, because it mixes data and code, or about Word, because it mixes text and formatting, and nobody ever uses Word and Excel properly.
If you’re a computer programmer, you frequently hear UX experts praise the way Excel allows non-programmers to write whole applications without help from the IT department. Excel is a great tool for normal people and power users, I often hear.
I have never seen anybody who wasn’t already versed in a real programming language write a complex application in an Excel spreadsheet. I have never seen anybody who was not a programmer or trained in Excel fill in a spreadsheet and send it back correctly.
Computer programmers complain about the inaccessibility of Excel, the lack of discoverability, the mixing of code and data in documents that makes versioning applications a proper nightmare, the influence of the cell structure on code structure, and the destructive automatic casting of cell data into datatypes.
UX experts praise Excel for giving power to non-programmers, but I never met a non-programmer who used Excel “properly”, never mind developed an application in it. I met non-programmers who used SPSS, Mathematica, or Matlab properly a handful of times, but even these people are getting rarer and rarer in the age of Julia, NumPy, SymPy, Octave, and R. Myself, I have actually had to learn how to use Excel in school, in seventh grade. I suspect that half of the “basic computer usage” curriculum was the result of a lobbying campaign by Microsoft’s German branch, because we had to learn about certain features in Word, Excel, and PowerPoint on Windows 95, and non-Microsoft applications were conspicuously absent.
Visual Basic and VBS seemed like a natural choice to give power to end users in the 90s. People who had already used a home computer during the 8-bit/16-bit era (or even an IBM-compatible PC) were familiar with BASIC because that was how end-users were originally supposed to interact with their computers. BASIC was for end users, and machine code/compiled languages were for “real programmers” - BASIC was documented in the manual that came with your home computer, machine code was documented in MOS data sheets. From today’s point of view, programming in BASIC is real programming. Calling Visual Basic or .Net scripting in Excel “not programming“ misrepresents what modern programmers do, and what GUI users have come to expect after the year 2000.
Excel is not very intuitive or beginner-friendly. The “basic computer usage” curriculum was scrapped shortly after I took it, so I had many opportunities to observe people who were two years younger than me try to use Excel by experimenting with the GUI alone.
The same goes fro Microsoft Word. A friend of mine insists that nobody ever uses Word properly, because Word can do ligatures and good typesetting now, as well as footnotes, chapters, outline note taking, and so on. You just need to configure it right. If people used Word properly, they wouldn’t need LaTeX or Markdown. That friend is already a programmer. All the people I know who use Word use WYSIWYG text styling, fonts, alignment, tables, that sort of thing. In order to use Word “properly“, you’d have to use footnotes, chapter marks, and style sheets. The most “power user” thing I have ever seen an end user do was when my father bought a CD in 1995 with 300 Word templates for all sorts of occasions - birthday party invitation, employee of the month certificate, marathon completion certificate, time table, cooking recipe, invoice, cover letter - to fill in and print out.
Unlike Excel, nobody even claims that non-programmer end users do great things in Word. Word is almost never the right program when you have email, calendars, wikis, to-do lists/Kanban/note taking, DTP, vector graphics, mind mapping/outline editors, programmer’s plain text editors, dedicated novelist/screenwriting software, and typesetting/document preparation systems like LaTeX. Nobody disputes that plain text, a wiki, or a virtual Kanban board is often preferable to a .doc or .docx file in a shared folder. Word is still ubiquitous, but so are browsers.
Word is not seen as a liberating tool that enables end-user computing, but as a program you need to have but rarely use, except when you write a letter you have to print out, or when you need to collaborate with people who insist on e-mailing documents back and forth.
I never met an end user who actually liked Outlook enough to use it for personal correspondence. It was always mandated by an institution or an employer, maintained by an IT department, and they either provided training or assumed you already had had training. Outlook has all these features, but neither IT departments nor end users seemed to like them. Outlook is top-down mandated legibility and uniformity.
Lastly, there is Microsoft Access. Sometimes people confused Excel and Access because both have tables, so at some point Microsoft caved in and made Excel understand SQL queries, but Excel is still not a database. Access is a database product, designed to compete with products like dBase, Cornerstone, and FileMaker. It has an integrated editor for the database schema and a GUI builder to create forms and reports. It is not a networked database, but it can be used to run SQL queries on a local database, and multiple users can open the same database file if it is on a shared SMB folder. It is not something you can pick up on one afternoon to code your company’s billing and invoicing system. You could probably use it to catalogue your Funko-Pop collection, or to keep track of the inventory, lending and book returns of a municipal library, as long as the database is only kept on one computer. As soon as you want to manage a mobile library or multiple branches, you would have to ditch Access for a real SQL RDBMS.
Microsoft Access was marketed as a tool for end-user computing, but nobody really believed it. To me, Access was SQL with training wheels in computer science class, before we graduated to MySQL and then later to Postgres and DB2. UX experts never tout Access as a big success story in end-user computing - yet they do so for Excel.
The narrative around Excel is quite different from the narrative around Yahoo Pipes, IFTTT, AppleScript, HyperCard, Processing, or LabView. The narrative goes like this: “Excel empowers users in big, bureaucratic organisations, and allows them to write limited applications to solve business problems, and share them with co-workers.”
Excel is not a good tool for finance, simulations, genetics, or psychology research, but it is most likely installed on every PC in your organisation already. You’re not allowed to share .exe files, but you are allowed to share spreadsheets. Excel is an exchange format for applications. Excel files are not centrally controlled, like Outlook servers or ERP systems, and they are not legible to management. Excel is ubiquitous. Excel is a ubiquitous runtime and development environment that allows end-users to create small applications to perform simple calculations for their jobs.
Excel is a tool for office workers to write applications to calculate things, but not without programming, but without involving the IT department. The IT department would like all forms to be running on some central platform, all data to be in the data warehouse/OLAP platform/ERP system - not because they want to make the data legible and accessible, but because they want to minimise the number of business-critical machines and points of failure, because important applications should either run on servers in a server rack, or be distributed to workstations by IT.
Management wants all knowledge to be formalised so the next guy can pick up where you left off when you quit. For this reason, wikis, slack, tickets and kanban boards are preferable to Word documents in shared folders. The IT department calls end-user computing “rogue servers“ or “shadow IT“. They want all IT to have version control, unit tests, backups, monitoring, and a handbook. Accounting/controlling thinks end-user computing is a compliance nightmare. They want all software to be documented, secured, and budgeted for. Upper management wants all IT to be run by the IT department, and all information integrated into their reporting solution that generates these colourful graphs. Middle management wants their people to get some work done.
Somebody somewhere in the C-suite is always viewing IT as a cost centre, trying to fire IT people and to scale down the server room. This looks great on paper, because the savings in servers, admins, and tech support are externalised to other departments in the form of increased paperwork, time wasted on help hotlines, and
Excel is dominating end-user computing because of social reasons and workplace politics. Excel is not dominating end-user computing because it is actually easy to pick up for end-users.
Excel is dominating end-user computing neither because it is actually easy to pick up for non-programmers nor easy to use for end-users.
This is rather obvious to all the people who teach human-computer interaction at universities, to the people who write books about usability, and the people who work in IT departments. Maybe it is not quite as obvious to people who use Excel. Excel is not easy to use. It’s not obvious when you read a book on human-computer interaction (HCI), industrial design, or user experience (UX). Excel is always used as the go-to example of end-user computing, an example of a tool that “empowers users”. If you read between the lines, you know that the experts know that Excel is not actually a good role model you should try to emulate.
Excel is often called a “no code“ tool to make “small applications“, but that is also not true. “No Code” tools usually require users to write code, but they use point-and-click, drag-and-drop, natural language programming, or connecting boxes by drawing lines to avoid the syntax of programming languages. Excel avoids complex syntax by breaking everything up into small cells. Excel avoids iteration or recursion by letting users copy-paste formulas into cells and filling formulas in adjacent cells automatically. Excel does not have a debugger, but shows you intermediate results by showing the numbers/values in the cells by default, and the code in the cells only if you click.
All this makes Excel more like GameMaker or ClickTeam Fusion than like Twine. Excel is a tool that doesn’t scare users away with text editors, but that’s not why people use it. It that were the reason, we would be writing business tools and productivity software in GameMaker.
The next time you read or hear about the amazing usability of Excel, take it with a grain of salt! It’s just barely usable enough.
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Okay Now Do The Rest
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?
Bright but argumentative. I was never afraid of pointing out things I didn’t feel were fair hfhddh
When we were learning numbers kids would often write 91 for nineteen, just flip them, y’know, and Ms. Potter yelled at the class for it. Baby Generiq went into it about how it was an understandable mix up because you do say the number first. In twenty-three you write the two first, so in nineteen it’s easy to assume you would write the nine first.
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?
Tired.
8. movies or tv shows?
TV shows. Every book adaptation should also be a series not a movie. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
9. favorite smell in the summer?
Honeysuckle and sunshine
10. game you were best at in p.e.?
Floor hockey! My friend and I used to be brutal and swing at each other’s shins going after the ball. Also it was reminiscent of golf, which I competed in.
12. name of your favorite playlist?
I have an untitled playlist I cycle my current music in and out of, but Newton’s Third Law is my favorite named one!
14. favorite non-chocolate candy?
I don’t- I guess the yellow smarties. Don’t come for me they taste like lemonade.
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?
I assume this means assigned book and not the reports we got to pick for ourselves. Ah, Night was good. Lord of the Flies was fine but way overhyped. Again, don’t come for me.
16. most comfortable position to sit in?
If I can tuck my legs into the chair I am sitting in that is ideal!
18. ideal weather?
When you know it is going to rain and you get to stay home
19. sleeping position? (Skipped on accident)
I reeeally like pressure, so either against something or on my stomach.
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?
Phone notes and a notebook! Sometimes a blank document but I always find it strangely intimidating
21. obsession from childhood?
Warrior Cats, Percy Jackson, and Maximum Ride were my big three!
22. role model?
Aa I try to straw from people I want to copy, but there are talents I look up to. Rachel Chavkin is a brilliant director, and there are so many artists and authors I look up to and who inspire me.
24. favorite crystal?
Obsidian because it’s black like my hea- I’m kidding, I do love obsidian, but it’s Rose Quartz because it’s a very very pretty, soft pink and makes me happy.
25. first song you remember hearing?
The mobile above my crib played Imagine by John Lennon. My childhood room was themed after it as well!
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?
Swim or sit in the sunshine. Ben and I usually go driving with the top down as well.
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?
Walking through fresh snow is amazing, so are snowball fights and building snowmen.
28. five songs to describe you?
Oh fuck yes
Hurricane - Hamilton
The Reckless and the Brave - All Time Low
Almost There - The Princess and the Frog
All This and Heaven Too - Florence + the Machine
Facade - Jekyll and Hyde: A Gothic Musical Thriller
30. places that you find sacred?
I don’t typically find places sacred, but certain headspaces are very special to me, and time spent with loved ones means more than enough to be considered sacred.
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?
A black blazer with a white button-down and a skirt.
32. top five favorite vines?
I am in Missouri (misery)
I love you, Bitch
I want a Church girl
Obama’s “I know because I won both of them”
I won’t hesitate, Bitch!
33. most used phrase in your phone?
“No worries”
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?
That fucking PFI bandana boot sale I stg
35. average time you fall asleep?
Somewhere between 9:00 and three in the morning
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?
Some girl doing bunny ears on her friend. I don’t remember what the caption was
38. lemonade or tea?
Both. Mixed together. It’s called an Arnold Palmer and it is my favorite drink
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?
Lemon cake!
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
We duck taped out principal to the wall once. Also some kid broke their tray over another kid’s head at lunch one time.
41. last person you texted?
The family group chat, though Beau if Discord counts
42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?
I wear a lot of leggings so jacket pockets!
44. favorite scent for soap?
We had some Lily of the Valley hand soap that was amazing
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?
Fantasy, I think! I’ve never done super heavy into the other two. Though I definitely don’t want to ignore sci-fi because two of my favorite stories are a little science-fiction-y
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?
A t-shirt and shorts
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
A banana. Generally accepted as a fruit and kind of just rolls with it, but is actually a berry
49. what saying or quote do you live by?
I fucking hate Hamilton-ing on main, but
“And when my prayers to god were met with indifference, I picked up a pen, I wrote my own deliverance!”
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?
That changes every time Beau and I play HetaOni together, but I have fucking lost it for at least five minutes the last two sessions.
51. current stresses?
I dunno, man, life? My hair could use a wash
52. favorite font?
Covered by your Grace and I’m a big Spectral baby. These are both google docs! I don’t know if that makes a difference.
54. what did you learn from your first job?
Patience is important when teaching material, but never be afraid to find another approach better suited to the person you’re tutoring.
55. favorite fairy tale?
Robin Hood!
56. favorite tradition?
My family does homemade Springfield cashew chicken for Christmas!
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?
Uhh lots of self-acceptance shit no one really wants to read
58. four talents you’re proud of having?
I can pop the joint at the center of my foot
That’s all
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?
I sort of like my role as mom friend, so maybe I could keep that role in a sort of action-based anime that followed a group of friends
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
“I am not the protégé to waste your time on; I'm complete!” Jekyll and Hyde: GMT
62. seven characters you relate to?
Haha
Lisa Carew - Jekyll and Hyde: GMT
Japan - Hetalia/Oni
Garnett - Steven Universe
Hfhddh that’s all I can say that aren’t my own characters
63. five songs that would play in your club?
I Don’t Like Clubs, but
Overwhelmed - Royal + The Serpent
Backseat Serenade - All Time Low
Go Big or Go Home - American Authors
The Nights - Avicii
Tempo - Lizzo
64. favorite website from your childhood?
Webkinz!
65. any permanent scars?
Yep - One from a bad bike wreck. My body rejected the dissolvable stitches so it’s a lot bigger than it was supposed to be
66. favorite flower(s)?
Lily of the Valley, daisies, Day Lilies, and Dandelions! I also love honeysuckles but I don’t know if those count.
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?
Accidentally drank rancid milk once!
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? (Haha, nice)
The fastest, free way to fill up your potions on Wizard101 is to play Potion Motion to level three.
70. left or right handed?
Right handed
71. least favorite pattern?
On myself, animal print
72. worst subject?
I’ve never been intuitively good at History, I do think it’s interesting though.
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?
I don’t like to take it until I can’t move without it.
75. when did you lose your first tooth?
Kindergarten? I had mono and then scarlet fever twice, so my baby teeth were pretty much ruined and they all fell out very fast.
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
Curly fries!
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?
Kalanchoe’s, it literally Window’s Thrill. These babies are fairly temperamental outside and love partial sun, so the window is the perfect spot for them. And! If you keep them happy! They’ll bloom! My personal favorite is the pink bloom.
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?
What’s wrong with coffee from a gas station? Also I don’t like seafood.
80. earth tones or jewel tones?
Earth tones!
81. fireflies or lightning bugs?
Lightning bugs
82. pc or console?
PC!
84. podcasts or talk radio?
Podcasts - talk radios actually tend to get under my skin for n o reason
84. barbie or polly pocket?
Barbie, but let it be known I was brutal with mine. We did human sacrifices and the like.
85. fairy tales or mythology?
Mythology!
86. cookies or cupcakes?
Cookies, but I’m a slut for whipped frosting
87. your greatest fear?
Losing control!
88. your greatest wish?
A life beyond where I am now. Haha Stop chasing new down the hallway you’re so sexy haha
90. luckiest mistake?
Logged into Omegle in like 2015 and some rando asked me to join their Doctor Who roleplay. Luckiest moment of my gd life.
91. boxes or bags?
Bags! They’re easier to store
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?
Sunlight! But in the late afternoon when everything is bathed in orange.
93. nicknames?
Mom is the most prevalent!
94. favorite season?
Fall into winter. Peak leaf crunch!
95. favorite app on your phone?
Discord or Notes
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Hi guys! I’ve put together a list of practical questions regarding Dangerous Crowns’ upcoming release. This is mostly about how to get your hands on it, but there are some details about the book’s content as well. For the cover reveal and full blurb, go here.
What is Dangerous Crowns about?
Dangerous Crowns is about an officer and spy, General Marcus Incipio and Lady Livia. Fed up with their despotic king, they plot to overthrow him, and the two lovers are tested as they become more and more entangled in their plans. The story is set in the province of Histria, a fictional land inspired by Greco-Roman art and culture.
Dangerous Crowns contains elements of political thriller, fantasy, and romance. If you like lady spies, palace intrigue, handsome older men, fancy clothes, snarky banter, neoclassical aesthetics, power couples, stealthy adventure, or the good old-fashioned fantasy of sticking it to a tyrannical ruler, it might be for you!
Wait, so it’s not actually set in Ancient Rome?
The world of Dangerous Crowns is inspired by various societies and time periods, but has many deliberate breaks from historical accuracy. It’s not historical fiction - it’s an original universe with its own rules, so you can expect some fantasy tropes to factor in as well. Here are more details from the book’s appendix:
“While the setting is based on years of research, it is intentionally anachronistic, and some elements are simplified, remixed, or purely fictional. Printing presses and violins coexist with tunics and thieves’ guilds, and soldiers with ancient names use modern military ranks. This was done for both fun and readability. I wanted a lush, but straightforward world, so a reader - especially one unfamiliar with fantasy tropes - could understand the story without cumbersome amounts of exposition or lore.”
How much “fantasy” are we talking?
Not much. Dangerous Crowns has neither magic nor supernatural beings like elves and dwarves - in a way, it’s more of an “alternate reality.” But you can still recognize some ingredients like a quest, a fictional religion, and warrior and rogue archetypes.
I don’t have a Kindle! Will I still be able to read the book?
Amazon offers free reader software for both PC and Mac, as well as free reader apps for iOS and Android. As far as I know, most modern equipment should be able to run it.
If it feels like a hassle to download it just for one book, there are a lot of great indie writers out there! You might start with Among the Hollow by Roman Ankenbrandt, and my former Voltage producer recommends Yasmine Galenorn.
Will Dangerous Crowns be available for pre-order?
No - it’ll be released directly on March 15th. Internet wisdom seems to be that with first books, you’re better off doing a straight release, whereas future books or installments in a series benefit from the pre-order hype. I’ve also read that it negatively impacts your book’s day-one sales rank, though I don’t have any evidence to back that up.
Will it be available on other platforms, like Kobo or Smashwords?
At the start, Dangerous Crowns will only be on Amazon, as I’d like to make it available on Kindle Unlimited. I’ve been told that Unlimited can help new authors without an established reputation, and I think it would be good to take advantage of that. It’s not a decision I’ve made lightly - I know there are people out there who can’t or don’t want to deal with Amazon, and I’d like to find a way to accommodate them if I can.
The good news is, Kindle Unlimited isn’t permanent, so if the book does well, it may be something I consider in the future.
What about physical print copies?
The idea of people owning paperback versions of Dangerous Crowns is really cool, but a tall order to think about right now. Again, if the book really takes off, I might consider it, but I don’t want to get too ahead of myself.
How much will it cost?
Dangerous Crowns will be $4.99 USD.
What rating would you give Dangerous Crowns?
I’d say Dangerous Crowns is for audiences mature enough to know what they’re getting into. There’s nothing in there that I feel warrants a strict adults-only rating, but it does have violence and vague/implicit sexual situations.
What’s that appendix you mentioned earlier?
At the end of Dangerous Crowns is about a 4,000-word “lore bible,” or notes on everything from fashion to science to marriage rules. I kept them around for my own reference as I wrote the book, and several friends of mine thought they might be interesting to include. I hope you don’t need them to understand the story, but if you liked it, you can keep reading and see the worldbuilding that went into it.
Still have questions? Let me know!
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Christmas Gift Guide for the Christian Anime Fan
What do you get the anime fan in your life for Christmas? An already difficult task is made even more challenging if you’re looking to gift something that fits within the boundaries of faith, items that are safe to give in a Christian household but still fun for the receiver. If you’re faced with that dilemma, we’ve got you covered this Christmas season. Below are nine gifts that the anime fan in your life will love, that are also safe—and some even spiritually uplifting!
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1. Shonen Jump
If you have a manga reader in the family, one of the best things you can get them is a Shonen Jump subscription. Shonen Jump (SJ) was one of the foremost shonen manga publications in print the U.S. Now, as a digital magazine, it’s even better. For $1.99 a month, an SJ subscription grants you access to SJ’s entire current lineup as well as a huge archive of historic manga. Want to read all of the Dragon Ball manga beginning in the early 80s? SJ has you covered. Interested in learning more about the romance manga Boys Over Flowers? It’s there along with the most current Season 2 chapters. Enjoy the nonsense of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure? Parts 1 through 3 are there in full and VIZ is slowly adding all of Part 4. As part of the greater VIZ manga family, more and more options are being added all the time to the SJ vault. Currently, VIZ does not offer gift subscriptions to SJ, however, you can pay for your subscription month to month. We recommend getting your friend or family member a $25 Google Play or iTunes gift card and tell them to enjoy all the manga at their fingertips for a full year.
Google Play or iTunes Gift Cards can be purchased from Amazon.
2. Cool anime clothing and streetwear
There’s an episode of Genshiken, the classic series about an anime club, where super otaku Madarame goes out shopping for clothes in an attempt to be stylish. It’s not only an uncomfortable experience for him; it leads to a real questioning of who he is and how he identifies because, after all, being an anime fan means dressing cheaply and sloppily, right? Well, if it ever did, it does not not—you can look good while sporting threads that show off your fandom. While Amazon and other outlets sell shirts anime-related shirts that don’t look particularly great, you’re better off doing a little research to find stylish clothing developed by real fashion designers. Take for example Wooji, whose clothing would be at home on a runway, but is priced well. Imouri, on the other hand, has a bright, cute design that more outwardly demonstrates a fandom. Go with a brand that would fit the person you’re gifting, and check out other stores as well by searching through tags like #animeclothing and #streetwear.
We’ve personally sampled items from both Wooji and Imouri, and highly recommend both.
3. Manga Majesty
If ever there was a portion of scripture that would fit into manga format, it’s the Book of Revelation with its imagery of good and evil, and redemption and love. And that’s exactly what the folks at Next Manga have adapted for their latest release. Manga Majesty artfully and scripturally illustrates the final book of the Bible, including the powerful prophecy that makes up much of it. While this manga makes for a wonderful study resource for Christian readers (and potential evangelistic material), it’s also just plain well-made, and engaging from a reader’s perspective. It unfolds like the powerful narrative it is, compete with full-colored illustrations that capture both the majesty and fear of the end times. And thus, it’s a double gift of sorts, one that’s a feast for the eyes and good for the soul, and really, what else more could you ask for on Christmas?
Manga Majesty is available for purchase from Amazon.
4. Crunchyroll Gift Membership
If you are buying for an anime or manga fan, chances are they watch their anime on various streaming services. Maybe they have Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime Video (or all three). However, if you are looking for a streaming service that specializes in anime, look no further than Crunchyroll. From classics like Fist of the North Star to current ongoing series like My Hero Academia, Crunchyroll has something to offer for every anime fan. Have anime fans who are children? No problem. Crunchyroll has some great series like Shonen Ashibe! GO! GO! Goma-chan and Bananya that offer up fun for the whole family. In addition to their anime offerings, a premium Crunchyroll subscription offers access to a decent catalog of manga. While their manga app is imperfect, web reading works very well and a number of currently ongoing series are simul-published by Crunchyroll.
Gift subscriptions can be purchased directly from Crunchyroll.
5. Anime DVDs and Manga volumes
Of course, it seems natural to buy the anime fan anime for Christmas—the barrier, though, is that there is so much anime out there that it can be difficult to determine which your recipient will like. And how do you select series that avoid content which you find inappropriate? We’ve got you covered. We have an anime recommendation list which provides titles that are both entertaining and spiritually enriching; we also include content information so that you won’t be surprised by levels of violence, sexualization, or other material in the series. We recently expanded the list, giving the full rundown on a number of shows, but also giving quick recommendations for dozens of others. We also encourage you to just search through our website, looking for topics that pique your interest (ex. grace), to find other series that might be specifically made for the person in your life.
Check our anime series and anime movie recommendations.
6. Dragon Ball FighterZ
Did you know that 2018’s Fighting Game of the Year at The Game Awards was an anime based game? ESPN”s “Game of the Year” was the same anime game in 2018. What was that game? Dragon Ball FighterZ. Dragon Ball FighterZ is a fantastic fighting game taking characters from throughout the full Dragon Ball franchise and making it incredibly fun. Arc System’s game mechanics remind you of the first time you played Marvel vs Capcom. It is a lot of fun for fans of the Dragon Ball franchise and newbies alike. I (MDMRN) bought it for myself last year on Black Friday as a non-Dragon Ball fan and, frankly, it turned me into one. Get it for your friends or family members who enjoy fighting games and anime if they don’t already own it. Believe me, they’ll thank you after trying it out.
Dragon Ball FighterZ is available for purchase from Amazon for the Nintendo Switch, XBoxOne, and Playstation 4.
7. Gear for fans of anime and gaming
Speaking of games, chances are that the person in your life that you’re buying for is probably not only a fan of anime, but a gamer as well. The two often go hand in hand, so in addition to the recommendation for Dragon Ball FighterZ we gave above, we also encourage you to check out Fan Gamer, a store that has a ton of wonderful merchandise that gamers will adore. We can attest that they carry products that hit that sweet spot of being both cool and high quality. You could surf the site all day (and you might want to!), but we’ll give four products we’re liking right now: Okami and Samurai Shodown t-shirts, a book about the history of the NES, and a set of awesome playing cards.
Give Fan Gamer a visit and check out their selection!
8. An Anime Convention Pass
pc: arthur yao
If there’s one thing that unites all high school and college otaku, it’s this: They’re broke. The anime fandom for many fans, young and old alike, isn’t based necessarily on TV series and manga—its centered on the convention scene. Facebook and Twitter feeds relating to conventions are absolutely filled with griping about the cost of conventions—remember that besides the entrance fees, which can easily go over $100, attendees have to pay for food, parking, hotel, souvenirs, and their own cosplay. It adds up and leads many to skip out on events they dearly want to attend. You can encourage them and help defray the costs by looking ahead and buying tickets to an event. Also note that many conventions occur during the spring and summer, so there’s another advantage to making this your gift—at this time of year, you might be able to get an early bird discount as well.
Check out some of the conventions we attend and cover here on Beneath the Tangles.
9. Reading material
You don’t necessarily have to look to a TV or video game screen to find series for your anime fan to enjoy. Just as in the west, and even more so, anime films and shows are adapted from previous works, mostly divided into two categories: manga (Japanese comics) and light novels (serialized books that contain illustrations). And just as with anime, we’ve got you covered here, too, with plenty of recommendations for both accompanied by explanations about the content within. These make for great gifts because all of these series have at least several volumes in release in the English language, meaning that you can pick up several issues as a present. And here’s another insight: manga and light novels are often (usually?) more addicting than anime series. Chances are that if you buy several for your loved one, they won’t be able to put the tomes down until they finish!
Check our manga and light novel recommendations.
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And there you have it—we did 90% of the legwork for you. Now there’s no reason to indulge your anime fan at home with something that they’ll love without worrying about neglecting or breaking your faith values. Go forth and purchase! And have a wonderful Christmas!
#Anime#Christmas#Manga#Video Games#Light Novels#Fashion#Streetwear#Christianity#Shonen Jump#Crunchyroll#Manga Majesty: The Revelation of the End Times!#Manga Majesty#Wooji#Imouri#Dragon Ball FighterZ#Articles#Author: TWWK
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1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? teacups but also wine glasses and coffee mugs . soda cans if and when i was young
2. chocolate bars or lollipops? choco
3. bubblegum or cotton candy? gum
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? i genuinely wonder because i work with kids and i thought i had my emotions and thoughts pretty muted but it is so clear what they think. they probably just described me as shy since i couldn’t utter a word
5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?cans
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? tomboy grunge preppy n formal
7. earbuds or headphones? earbuds
8. movies or tv shows? tv
9. favorite smell in the summer? watermelon
10. game you were best at in p.e.?idk
11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?
12. name of your favorite playlist?
13. lanyard or key ring? lanyard
14. favorite non-chocolate candy? jolly ranchers
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? dante’s inferno was cool
16. most comfortable position to sit in? criss cross
17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? converse
18. ideal weather? sunny w slight breeze
19. sleeping position? all possible
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? laptop but i do like physical writing
21. obsession from childhood? rocks and money
22. role model?
23. strange habits? making my room as messy as possible and turning off my alarms subconsciously
24. favorite crystal? idk
25. first song you remember hearing? since you’ve been gone LOL
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? used to be playin fun sports now i just like lying around drinking a nice beverage
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? lying in bed or on sofa w roomies cuddled in blankets hehe and watching smth childish!
28. five songs to describe you? not sure ! like 3 depressing song one good pop karaoke bop and like an obscure 1975 song prob
29. best way to bond with you? i think i bond well with people most when we’re like? doing a long walk or like in a situation where talking is rly the only thing u can do since i get bored esp if im only acquaintances
30. places that you find sacred?my bed and forest streams
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? just . a good all black outfit
32. top five favorite vines?
33. most used phrase in your phone? prob i wanna die or smth about sleep
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? idk i judt have a radiohead song stuck in my head rn
35. average time you fall asleep? 2ish
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?probably one of those liek and rage quit memes
37. suitcase or duffel bag?suitcase
38. lemonade or tea? tea
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? cake
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? we had lunch ladies that had like a physical fight and the twitter video went viral lol Lso our principal had an affair w some other upper figure st our school
41. last person you texted? my sister
42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?pants
43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? hoodie
44. favorite scent for soap? any non citrus ones
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? fantasy
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? pjs
47. favorite type of cheese? blegh
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? dragonfruit? or pomegranate
49. what saying or quote do you live by?
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?
51. current stresses?
52. favorite font?
53. what is the current state of your hands?what
54. what did you learn from your first job?
55. favorite fairy tale?
56. favorite tradition?
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? **** ******** thoughts and self image stuff
58. four talents you’re proud of having? guitar playing baking hair and sleeping
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? comedy or horror
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
62. seven characters you relate to?
63. five songs that would play in your club?just taemin britney spears and lady gaga on repeat
64. favorite website from your childhood?
65. any permanent scars?
66. favorite flower(s)?
67. good luck charms?
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? milk in general
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?
70. left or right handed?iright
71. least favorite pattern? probably cheetah/tiger prints i find them cheesy now
72. worst subject? every
73. favorite weird flavor combo?
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? like a 2 LMAO if it bothers me enough that i think about it then boom drug me up!
75. when did you lose your first tooth? i think like 7?
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? God. all of the fried.... mashed ... baked..chipped i literally cannoy drecide
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? uh well i got a bamboo rn
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? coffee from gas
79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? they both honestly look ok to me given how much i hate my face but my friends laugh at my school id sayin i look angry lmao
80. earth tones or jewel tones? earth but sometimes jewel
81. fireflies or lightning bugs? whats the difference
82. pc or console? pc
83. writing or drawing?draw
84. podcasts or talk radio?
84. barbie or polly pocket?
85. fairy tales or mythology?mythology
86. cookies or cupcakes?cookies
87. your greatest fear? failure
88. your greatest wish?to not rly worry too much about money
89. who would you put before everyone else? myself HAHA
90. luckiest mistake?
91. boxes or bags? box
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?sunlight & fluorescents
93. nicknames?
94. favorite season? summer? maybe idk spring may beat it soon
95. favorite app on your phone? snapchat
96. desktop background? ghibli
97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? 2
98. favorite historical era? idk
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CR Expo 2017 Con report!
Over the weekend I tabled at Crunchyroll Expo and it was pretty eventful for a first-time con.
Day 1
I was stressing out the week before con because I’ve been making last minute decisions on prints. For example I lost my high resolution files for my large Fire Emblem prints ever since my pc crashed and I only had low resolutions on my tumblr. Fortunately, Kimm bumped up the resolution quality with her photoshop wizardry powers (I still don’t know how she did it but I can’t thank her enough) to have these prints in a large poster size. I ran them through fed-ex at the cheapest rate which really brought down the print quality, but hey, what can you do?
ANYWAY, first day at the con and I’m already a wreck because grid cubes ARE SO HARD TO ASSEMBLE LMAOOOO. My two helpers Kimm and Saga were with me the entire weekend and they really helped pull my shit together. I think what made me anxious about this con was my table location since I was at the very far corner of artist alley. It wasn’t so bad when a flood of people started walking past my table.
The table.
We eventually added Kimm’s bunny to the “Ryuji shrine.”
Even though Friday was pretty slow a lot of weird events happened. Like someone told me I was cute and wanted to exchange numbers. I was internally a hot mess afterwards but he got the message and didn’t insist on it. There was also these three guys who straight up asked me if I drew hentai and apparently they were livestreaming this?? GO FIGURE LMAO. I probably made a fool of myself in front of 3k watchers 😂 😂 ALSO!! KIWI CAME TO VISIT AND DROPPED OFF A GIFT!! I FINALLY GOT TO MEET HER AND SHE WAS REALLY NICE!! AHH I’LL TREASURE THESE BEAUTIFUL PINS AND CHARMS!!!
I really wanted to pin these to my lanyard but I had a feeling people would ask me what table number I got these from and I’d have to constantly say that a friend dropped these off as a gift. ^_T
smol commission of a smol kancolle character.
Because it was pretty slow for us Kimm and Saga walked around the area and kept spending so much on merch and commissions that they were struggling to stop spending any more lolololol. I also stepped out to check out the autograph booth and found out you had to get a ticket beforehand in order to get inside. I WAS A BIT SAD BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE THE CHOCOBROS BUT IT’S OK.... I HAD ALL WEEKEND TO GET THEIR TICKET.... [to be continued]
It was only the first day and all of us were pretty tired. We checked in to our hotel and ate instant ramen for dinner. In order to avoid clogging the sink we threw the broth into the toilet. hsdfhafoasdfhoasdfhlf;as
Day 2
Heyo I cosplayed Chie.
This day was really busy considering it was the weekend and all. I had such a hard time keeping my wig straight. I think this was also the most times when the artist alley lights would turn on and off on random occasions.
I love how customers get the most reaction out my charms when they flip them over. They would either laugh or go WOAHHHHH.
The future is now.
Apparently there’s this running gag for this day: if Kimm and Saga leave the table I get lots of sales or if I step out I miss out on commission opportunities. I stayed in my table for most of the day to prevent this from happening.
I also!!! Saw!!! An Akira and Ryuji cosplayer!!! The Ryuji cosplayer had a Burger King hat on AND SAGA, KIMM, AND I LOWKEY WERE LIKE. YO MAN. YO. COME TO OUR TABLE. THEY EVENTUALLY STOPPED BY AND RECOGNIZED MY ART BECAUSE OF THAT BURGER KING RYUJI DRAWING I MADE LAST MONTH. AND THE RYUJI COSPLAYER HAD IT AS THEIR LOCK SCREEN.
What a weird turn of events..... I also didn’t know Rodi was at the con and that caught me off guard!!! WE ART TRADED ON THE SPOT AND I GOT THE PHANTOM THUGZ ZINE AND RYUJI BUTTONS. THEY’RE FUCKING AMAZING.
And Debbie stopped by my table!! She dropped off a gift!! AAAAAAAAAAA I’M SO TOUCHED... BEAUTIFUL FINAL FANTASY BOYAS..... DEBBIE WAS ALSO REALLY SWEET ;o; I was overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness and it was only day 2....
I was really scared of walking around the con alone in cosplay because I clam up when people ask for photos but lol i kinda got over it.
I think mid-day was when I ran out of my Akira/Ryuji ramen charm. That was unexpected since I had no faith in it BUT THANK YOU FOR THOSE WHO BOUGHT IT!
I walked around artist alley for a bit and noticed a Noctis shrine for one of the tables. Being the shy fucker I was I asked Saga to deliver my FFXV charms to them in hopes they won’t find me. THEY EVENTUALLY FOUND ME IN THE END WITH ONE OF THEM SENDING ME A CRYPTIC TWEET. SDKFHADS FNFALSFANJA FSD
Right when artist alley was about to close this guy wanted the last Lucina print and I was laughing my ass off because he didn’t care for Lucina or Fire Emblem, he wanted it because it was the last print. When we were bagging it he wanted us to keep the “Last one” sticky note to show off that he got the last Lucina print AND I LOST IT FROM THERE. LIKE SURE MAN WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. 😂 😂
Overall it was a good day.... Even though Saga and Kimm were crying over their wallets but they said their purchases were worth it.
Also for dinner we had ihop and their onion rings were made out of pancake mix LMAO.
Day 3 (Warning: unnecessary use of caps lock)
This was my favorite day for several reasons. Like even though I wasn’t able to get tickets for the chocobros in the last 2 days I snagged a Max Mittelman (Ryuji’s VA) ticket! But even after getting the ticket I got nervous because I was really gonna meet him....
Saga asked me to draw a really ugly Ryuji on a cardboard of welch’s fruit snacks so I can have his VA sign it. Though, I think signing is limited to one item unless you’re willing to drop 10 bucks.
L-lewd.
At one point someone dropped off their change in front of Ryuji and left. Honestly, same.
Eventually it was almost time to for the autograph session so I replaced Ryuji’s portrait with one of the ugly drawings Saga requested earlier.
I also found it funny how someone was holding my FFXV print right in front of me while we were waiting to go inside the autograph room. When I finally met Max Mittelman in person I gave him the Ryuji picture to sign.... I’m just trying to keep my composure at this point since I was REALLY NERVOUS IN FRONT OF HIM. After that I told him that I was the artist who drew the Burger King Ryuji art and he gave me a HIGH FIVE!!! I also told him to visit me in artist alley (if he could find me that is) and LITTLE DID I KNOW HE FOUND MY TABLE. I WAS SO CAUGHT OFF GUARD I FELT LIKE I WAS RUNNING MY MOUTH WHEN TALKING TO HIM. HE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
HE SAW THE RYUJI SHRINE FULL OF CHANGE I’M SORRY HE HAD TO WITNESS THAT. ANYWAY I’M GLAD HE VISITED ME BUT AT THE SAME TIME WAS THIS EVEN HAPPENING? WAS I DREAMING THIS? I WAS INTERNALLY DYING UNDER THE TABLE AFTERWARDS.....
And the grand finale.... the art trades!!! I got to meet old faces and new ones! Everyone was really kind and it gave me heartburn just thinking about it!! T__T I really appreciate this!! I’d also like to thank Kimm and Saga for being awesome table mates!! Words can’t express how much you made this con even better!
I’m glad I got to table at CR Expo! It was such a huge impact on me that I had to write my thoughts here!! Hopefully I get to table again next year!
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Your personal DIY image search
Hi everyone, it’s been a while! I bet you forgot this blog even existed. I happen to be a big supporter of quality over quantity, so while my work on parsing Japanese counters earlier this year was pretty interesting, I already wrote way too many articles about Ichiran/ichi.moe so I decided to keep it to myself. Recently I’ve been working on a little side-project and now that it finally works, I think it deserves a full-fledged blog post.
For a bit of a nostalgia trip, let's go back to the early 00s. Remember when TinEye first appeared? It was amazing. For the first time you could easily find where that one image you once saved from some random phpBB forum is really from. It didn't matter if your image was resized, or slightly edited from the original, it still worked. That shit was magic, my friends. Of course these days nobody is impressed by this stuff. Google Image Search indexes pretty much anything that exists on the Internet and even uses neural networks to identify content of an image.
Back to the present day. I discovered I have an image hoarding problem. Over the years of using the Intertubes, I have accumulated a massive number of images on my hard drive. When I see an image I like my first thought is "do I have this one saved already?" because how could I possibly remember? At this point I need my own personal Google Image Search. And (spoiler alert) now I have one.
First of all, I needed an actual image matching technology. These days the cloud is all the rage, so I definitely wanted to have this thing running in the cloud (as opposed to my local PC) so that I could search my images from anywhere in the world. After a cursory search, my eyes fell on a thing called Pavlov Match which runs from a Docker container, so should be pretty easy to install. I installed docker and docker-compose on my VPS, and then git-cloned Match and ran make dev according to instructions. This will actually run an Elasticsearch instance on the same VPS, and apparently the damn thing eats memory for breakfast, at least with the default settings. I'm using a cheap 2GB RAM Linode, so the memory is actually a very finite resource here, as I will find out later. The default settings will also completely expose your match installation AND elasticsearch to the world. But don't worry, I figured this out so that you don't have to. Let's edit docker-compose.yml from match repository as follows:
version: '2' services: match: image: pavlov/match:latest ports: - 127.0.0.1:8888:8888 command: ["/wait-for-it.sh", "-t", "60", "elasticsearch:9200", "--", "gunicorn", "-b", "0.0.0.0:8888", "-w", "4", "--preload", "server:app"] links: - elasticsearch elasticsearch: image: elasticsearch environment: - "ES_JAVA_OPTS=-Xms256m -Xmx256m" - bootstrap.mlockall=true expose: - "9200"
This will make match server only available on local network within the VPS on port 8888, and elasticsearch only available to these two docker containers. It will also restrict elasticsearch RAM consumption to 512mb and --preload flag reduces the amount of memory gunicorn workers consume.
To make match server available from outside I recommend proxying it through nginx or some other proper web server. You can also add authentication/IP whitelist in nginx because the match server has no authentication features whatsoever, so anyone will be able to search/add/delete the data on it.
That was the backend part. No programming required here! But this is a Lisp blog, so the next step is writing a Lisp client that can communicate with this server. The first step is reading the match API documentation. You might notice it's a bit... idiosyncratic. I guess REST is out of fashion these days. Anyway, I started implementing a client using the trusty drakma, but I quickly hit a limitation: match expects all parameters to be sent encoded as form data, but drakma can only encode POST parameters as form data and not, say, DELETE parameters. Not to be foiled by a badly designed API, I tried dexador, and while dex:delete does not encode parameters as form data, dex:request is flexible enough to do so. Each response (a JSON string) is parsed using jsown.
(defun parse-request (&rest args) (when *auth* (setf args `(,@args :basic-auth ,*auth*))) (multiple-value-bind (content return-code) (handler-bind ((dex:http-request-failed #'dex:ignore-and-continue)) (apply 'dex:request args)) (cond ((<= 400 return-code 499) (jsown:new-js ("status" "fail") ("error" content) ("code" return-code))) (t (let ((obj (jsown:parse content))) (jsown:extend-js obj ("code" return-code))))))) (defun add-local (file &key path (metadata "{}")) "Add local image to Match server" (parse-request (api-url "/add") :method :post :content `(("image" . ,(pathname file)) ("filepath" . ,(or path file)) ("metadata" . ,metadata))))
With this basic client in place, I can add and delete individual images, but it would be incredibly cumbersome to manage thousands of images with it. I had to write some code that would scan specified directories for images, track any changes and then add/update/delete information from Match server as needed. I already wrote something like this before, so this was pretty easy. Of course SBCL's "sb-posix:stat doesn't work on Unicode filenames" bug has reared its head again, but I already knew the workaround. This time I completely relied on UIOP for recursively walking directories (uiop:subdirectories and uiop:directory-files are your friends). Each image file is represented as CLOS object and saved into a hash-table which is serialized to a file using CL-STORE. The object has a status attribute which can be :new, :update, :delete, :ok and so on. Based on status, an action needs to be performed, such as uploading an image to Match server (for :new and :update).
Now, I could just send a bunch of requests one after another, but that would be a waste. Remember, we have 4 gunicorn workers running on our server! This clearly calls for a thread pool. I thought PCALL would be perfect for this, but nope. It uses sb-thread:interrupt-thread which is incredibly unsafe and the result is that you basically can't safely make http requests from thread workers. Debugging this took way too much time. In the end, I implemented a thread pool based on lparallel promises which is kind of an overkill for such a simple use case, but at least it worked.
(setf *cache* (update-cache)) (let ((lparallel:*kernel* (lparallel:make-kernel threads))) (unwind-protect (loop for value in (alexandria:hash-table-values *cache*) collect (worker value) into futures finally (map nil 'lparallel:force futures)) (lparallel:end-kernel))) (save-cache *cache*))
Note that you must be very careful when doing things that affect global state inside the threads. For example :delete action removes a key from the hash table *cache*. This is not guaranteed to be an atomic operation, so it's necessary to grab a global lock when doing it.
(defvar *cache-lock* (bordeaux-threads:make-lock "match-cache-lock")) ... (bordeaux-threads:with-lock-held (*cache-lock*) (remhash key *cache*))
Printing messages to REPL from inside threads also requires a separate lock and (force-output), otherwise it will look like a complete mess!
(defun format-msg (str &rest args) (bordeaux-threads:with-lock-held (*msg-lock*) (terpri) (apply 'format t str args) (force-output)))
Now that the required functionality is implemented, it's time to test upload a bunch of stuff... and get back a bunch of errors. It took some sleuthing to discover that gunicorn workers of my Match server are routinely getting killed by "OOM killer". Basically, the server runs out of memory and the system in desperation kills a process that it doesn't like. Remember, I only have 2Gb of memory there!
I figured out that it's images with very large dimensions that are the most problematic in terms of memory usage. If I were to resize these images to some reasonable size, the matching should still work pretty well. In order to execute this plan, I thought I'd use some Lisp to ImageMagick interface. There's in fact a pure Lisp solution called OptiCL but would it really handle any image? Remind me to test that later! Anyway, back to ImageMagick. Neither lisp-magick nor lisp-magick-wand would work with the most recent ImageMagick version (seems its API has changed a bit). However the last one I tried cl-graphicsmagick, which uses a fork of ImageMagick called GraphicsMagick, has unexpectedly worked (at least on my Windows laptop. Note that you need to install Microsoft Visual C Redistributable 2008 otherwise the library wouldn't load with CFFI) so I went with that.
Using very useful temporary files functionality of UIOP (uiop:with-temporary-file), I resize each oversized image to reasonable dimensions and save into a temporary file, which is then uploaded to Match server. I also send the file's original and resized dimensions as metadata. Thankfully this completely eradicated the memory issue. There's a minor problem where GraphicsMagick cannot do Unicode pathnames on Windows, so I copy the original image into a temporary file with ASCII-only name in that case.
(defun resize-image (input-path output-path &key (max-width *max-dimension*) (max-height *max-dimension*) (filter :%QuadraticFilter) (blur 1)) (gm::with-magick-wand (wand) (handler-case (gm::%MagickReadImage wand input-path) ;; graphicsmagick cannot read Unicode filenames on Windows so attempt to load a copy (gm::magick-error () (uiop:with-temporary-file (:pathname tmp :prefix "gm" :type (pathname-type input-path)) (uiop:copy-file input-path tmp) (setf wand (gm::%NewMagickWand)) (gm::%MagickReadImage wand (namestring tmp))))) (let ((w (gm::%MagickGetImageWidth wand)) (h (gm::%MagickGetImageHeight wand)) (res nil)) (multiple-value-bind (fw fh) (gm::fit-width-height w h max-width max-height) (unless (and (= w fw) (= h fh)) (gm::%MagickResizeImage wand fw fh filter blur) (gm::%MagickWriteImage wand output-path) (setf res output-path)) (values res w h fw fh)))))
Later I tested this code on an Ubuntu machine with GraphicsMagick installed from Apt repository and SBCL crashed into ldb debugger mode straight away... Welp. The helpful folks of #lisp told me the problem is with signal handlers established by GraphicsMagick library, somehow they confuse SBCL. Based on that advice, eventually I succeeded making this work. Uninstall apt Graphicsmagick and grab the sources. Find the file called magick.c and replace the line
InitializeMagickSignalHandlers(); /* Signal handlers */
with
// InitializeMagickSignalHandlers(); /* Signal handlers */
(commenting it out). Then do configure --enable-shared (see readme for possible options), make and sudo make install. This will make it work when called from SBCL on Linux.
Anyways, the full code of MATCH-CLIENT can be found at my Github. It's not installable from quicklisp for obvious reasons, in fact it's a complete pain to install as you might've already guessed, but if you wanna try it, you're welcome. The main two commands are update and match. The first is called to upload all images in your *root-dirs* to the server and then to update them if anything changes. match is used to match any image on the Internet (passed as URL string) or a local pathname (passed as pathname object) compared to the server. It returns a list of jsown objects (basically alists) that contain score (up to 100 for exact match), path (with "local tag" which can be different per device) and metadata containing original and resized dimensions.
((:OBJ ("score" . 96.00956) ("filepath" . "[HOME] d:/foo/bar/baz.jpg") ("metadata" :OBJ ("rw" . 1218) ("rh" . 2048) ("w" . 3413) ("h" . 5736))))
Anyway, this was a fun (although often frustrating) thing to build and ended up being quite useful! Thanks for reading and see you next time.
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An Essay on Lootboxes
When mobile games came on the scene they quickly realized that they could not price there games the same as consoles or PCs. No one wanted to pay $30 for a game they were playing on their cell phone. So mobile games lowered their prices (usually $0.99 - $6.99[a]) or became free to play. But they had a new strategy to make money called micro transactions. Micro transactions are using real money to buy an in game item such as more health, a weapon, or even hints in a puzzle game. They are most often sold as packs of in game currency (often referred to as premium currency) and can range in price from $0.99 to $99.99[b].
Mobile games began to pulling in large amounts of revenue a year from micro transaction. For example in 2013 the mobile game Candy Crush made a whopping $1.54 billion in sales revenue[1]. Console and PC game companies took note of this and began rolling out micro transactions of their own. While this came as paid DLC (downloadable extra content), and cosmetics (like the hats you can buy in Team Fortress 2), the most controversial of these has been loot boxes.
A loot box is essentially a box that may contain the item you want. The player pays real world money at a chance of getting the in game item they want. A lot of people equate this to gambling. I for one agree with this. But while gambling is spending money on a game of chance in the hopes of winning more money, loot boxes are about spending real money for a chance to win a digital in game item.
Personally, I am okay with micro transactions. I feel like if I have put in over 100 hours playing Medic in Team Fortress 2 and I spent $25 on hats that’s not bad. I’ve paid less than the cost of a new game, but still supported the game and got a lot of enjoyment for my money. But on the issue of loot boxes, I think they are just the worst. They are designed to get the player to spend a lot of money.
To give an example of this, I’ll talk about a mobile game that I play called Shop Heroes by Cloudcade. In the game you need blue prints to make the best armor & weapons for your heroes. The best blue prints are in chest (the games version of loot boxes) and each chest has a chance of giving you a blue print. The best chest in the game is called the Primal Chest and there are two ways to open them. The first is using a key (that you can buy from other players or win in the PvP [player versus player] arena), but the key only gives you a 15% chance of getting a blue print. You can also use 750 gems (the games premium currency) to open the chest and it gives you a 25% chance. So the game gives you better odds if you spend gems. But to get enough gems you have to buy the $9.99 pack of 1,150 gems or spend weeks/months grinding for them. Again, this is just for the chance of getting a blue print and even if you manage to get a blue print, it may not even be the one you want.
People began to look at this set up for loot boxes and started drawing the conclusion that it was design to not only exploit addictive personality traits, but create addiction in gamers. Heather Alexandra wrote an article for Kotaku that compares loot boxes to the reward behavioral experiments that B.F. Skinner performed on rats[2]. The game developers are intentionally making the loot boxes desirable as explained in this quote from an Overwatch developer:
“When you start opening a loot box, we want to build anticipation,” an Overwatch developer said. “We do this in a lot of ways—animations, camera work, spinning plates, and sounds. We even build a little anticipation with the glow that emits from a loot box’s cracks before you open it.”[3]
The ethical concerns about the addiction of loot boxes are a real hot button issue among players, parents, and even some lawmakers. Personally, I struggle with addictive personality issues as part of my impulse control issue due to my Bipolar Disorder. When I go to a Casino, I leave my debit and credit cards at home, bring a set amount of money with me to spend, and only go with a trusted friend(s) or family member(s). To hinder myself with micro transaction, I first try to avoid buying them as much as possible. I have also set monthly entertainment budget. But my best deterrent is that I have set it so I have to enter a password anytime I want to buy an in game item. This gives me a moment to consider my actions before I spend my money and have buyer’s remorse. This all sounds like a bit much, but I had friend who could not pay her bills one month as she had spent over $1,000 on loot boxes in Overwatch.
The ESRB (Entertainment Software Ratings Board) does not view loot boxes as gambling as outline in this statement:
“While there’s an element of chance in these mechanics, the player is always guaranteed to receive in-game content (even if the player unfortunately receives something they don’t want). We think of it as a similar principle to collectible card games: Sometimes you’ll open a pack and get a brand new holographic card you’ve had your eye on for a while. But other times you’ll end up with a pack of cards you already have.”[4]
While UK Gambling Commission and the New Zealand Gambling Regulators share the same sentiment as the ESRB.[5] Other governments don’t and have begun investigating loot boxes. Just this year Belgium’s Gaming Commission ruled that some loot boxes violated the country’s gambling regulations. The investigation was brought on in November of 2017 by Minister of Justice Koen Geens, after hearing complaints about Star Wars Battlefront II’s loot boxes.[6] The Commission looked at four popular games: Overwatch, Star Wars Battlefront II, Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, and FIFA 18.[7]
And in April of this year they can to their ruling that the games were in violation. In a statement release by Minister of Justice Koen Geens:
“Minister of Justice Koen Geens therefore wishes to enter into a dialogue soon, both with the developers, operators and the Gaming Commission. Together we can see who should take responsibility where. "Mixing games and gambling, especially at a young age, is dangerous for mental health. We have already taken numerous measures to protect both minors and adults against the influence of, among other things, gambling advertising. That is why we must also ensure that children and adults are not confronted with games of chance when they are looking for fun in a video game."[8][c]
Developers such as Blizzard, Valve, and 2K Games have already disable loot boxes for the Belgium versions of their games.[9] The biggest name that has not complied with the ruling is EA, the makers of FIFA 18. Their randomized card packs that violated the gambling laws are still in the game and will be in FIFA 19 which releases at the end of September.[10] In May EA CEO Andrew Wilson released a statement saying that the company does not believe their Ultimate Team card packs or loot boxes in general are a form of gambling.[11]
Unfortunately for EA, the Belgium Gambling Commission does not agree. They have contacted the Public Prosecutor’s Office, who has opened a criminal investigation into EA.[12] There is a strong chance that this will go to court, unless EA backs down which at the moment seems unlikely. The whole world will be watching this case closely, especially if it goes to court. As loot boxes are still an item of contention even in countries that have said loot boxes are not gambling such as here in the United States. As loot boxes have become a staple of gaming and this could begin to set a legal precedent regarding them.
[a] These numbers came from me looking at the prices of popular titles on the Google Play Store.
[b] This came from looking at packs offered in several popular title games such as Candy Crush & by looking at the games on my phone as well.
[c] I translated the text using Google Translate from the source to verify that it matched what was quoted in other cited articles and opted to site the source instead.
References:
1 Brad Reed “Candy Crush Saga generated an insane 1.5 billion in revenue last year”. February 18, 2014. BGR. https://bgr.com/2014/02/18/how-much-money-does-candy-crush-make/
2, 3 Heather Alexandra “Loot Boxes Are Designed To Exploit Us”. October 13, 2017. Kotaku. https://kotaku.com/loot-boxes-are-designed-to-exploit-us-1819457592
4 Jason Schreier “ESRB Says It Doesn’t See ‘Loot Boxes’ As Gambling”. October 11, 2017. Kotaku. https://kotaku.com/esrb-says-it-doesnt-see-loot-boxes-as-gambling-1819363091
5 Shabana Arif “Belgium Joins The Netherlands In Ruling That Declares Some Loot Boxes Illegal”. April 25, 2018. IGN. http://www.ign.com/articles/2018/04/25/belgium-joins-the-netherlands-in-ruling-that-declares-some-loot-boxes-illegal
6, 7 Andy Chalk “Belgium’s Gambling Commission rules against loot boxes in Overwatch, FIFA 18, and CS:GO”. April 25, 2018. PC Gamer. https://www.pcgamer.com/belgiums-gambling-commission-rules-against-loot-boxes-in-overwatch-fifa-18-and-csgo/
8 Minister of Justice Koen Geens. April 25, 2018 https://www.koengeens.be/news/2018/04/25/loot-boxen-in-drie-videogames-in-strijd-met-kansspelwetgeving
9, 10, 11, 12 Rob Thubron “EA faces criminal investigation in Belgium because it won’t remove loot boxes from FIFA”. September 11, 2018. TECHSPOT. https://www.techspot.com/news/76374-ea-faces-criminal-investigation-belgium-because-wont-remove.html
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Heres some random things about me that I’m supposed to answer or something. Thank you @spunkyghost for the tag. I’ll probably super indecisive and do this wrong but here we go.
if you had to eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would you choose?
pizza, no doubt. My favorite spots are these 2 local spots by UNCC; da vincis and benny pennellos.
do you prefer writing by hand or typing?
I’m equally bad at both but I like handwriting a little better (good luck trying to decipher anything i write.)
favorite age you’ve been so far?
I’ve only been 20 for less than 2 weeks and its been my favorite so far. I’ve dedicated my time to the things that have mattered most to me and I’ve never felt more focused and in control of my life and where I’ll take myself.
proudest achievement/moment?
Hmmmm Me and some of my friends put together some really cool music just recently and put out a 3 song ep that has been super well received by not just friends but strangers as well. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and seeing happen and listening to all the work we put into it is super gratifying. Check us out or something(; matter704.bandcamp.com
do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
I haven’t in years
apple or PC?
Apple I guess. Idk computers and their connection to capitalism creep me out.
eReaders or physical books?
Physical book for sure. Being an art major you realize very quickly that viewing things in print and on a screen are worlds, moons, galaxies different from each other, so yeah analog for life.
favorite song lyrics?
This dreaded question. I have so many to name one particular so heres a couple that have clicked with me recently.
How to never stop being sad- Dandelion Hands
repeat to yourself that they’re not really gone
time has proven that fooling yourself into believing
a lie is the most effective way to deal with
things you have no control over
keep listening to the mixtapes they made you
overanalyse every single word you hear
“was this a sign that things were going wrong”
no no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them
stay up every single night staring at your phone
either attempting to gather up the courage to
turn these demons, these constant reminders of
your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream
or praying just for one second you could feel
the warmth of equally returned love
go out for coffee four times a week by yourself
always bring your notebook, never stop writing
leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip
watch them smile as you get in your car
always talk down on yourself whenever possible
my life is shit because i deserve it, right?
you must have done something real bad
its nearly impossible for you to cry now
avoid your friends for weeks even though
they’re the only sense of consistency you have
left in your life, if they really wanted
to see you they’d come, but they won’t (who cares?)
allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love
watch as you begin to take a backseat to the
world around you, don’t fight it
become a secondary character in your own motion picture
but most importantly drown every single one of
your feelings in old stolen rum, learn to
love the taste of it dripping down your throat
find comfort in the warmth coming from your
stomach, you’re drinking bottled love now
you don’t need other people to drive away your loneliness
you just needed to find a way to talk to it.
Any turnover song will do the trick too. Also Doused by Diiv, and Adversity by beach fossils are my favorite of all time. Idk i listen to so much music and i’m leaving so many things out.
last movie that made you cry?
Not a new or original one but Eternal Sunshine will do it every time without fail.
last book that made you laugh?
Idk books are weird for me. More of a non fiction kind of guy so maybe less humor is involved? Idk maybe my photo history text book?
pessimist or optimist? or pragmatist?
Pragmatist 5sure.
if you could dye your hair any color, what color would you choose?
My hair was pink before i cut it all off but yeah that was cool maybe blue? Idk ill have to grow it back out before i consider dying it again.
what’s the last song you listened to?
How does it feel- Citizen, Absolute banger.
favorite book genre?
Photo essays are my gd jam. I really just like pictures rather than word but pictures and words are sick.
one new hobby/skill you’d like to learn someday?
Making clothes. I’ve always wanted to design clothes but haven’t really gotten around to it.
quote you like?
“I think the world is horrible, but I’ve realized there’s light in the darkness,”- Nan Goldin
what kind of super power would you want to have?
Time travel would be so fricken cool yo.
what fictional world would you most like to visit?
Japan lol. But probably wherever Princess Mononoke is.
least favorite food(s)?
Guac. Fight me. Also peanut butter.
pencil or pen?
Pen
early bird or night owl (or neither)?
Both, I hardly sleep. I love the stillness of both but still love the hustle and bustle of being in such a populated area. I like being awake. Sleep is unproductive and frankly boring since i dont really dream.
absolute dream job? (it doesn’t have to be a real job)
Just being an artist. Whether its photos, music, or whatever; I just want to be creative.
So yeah thats some of me for you all. Ask me questions and stuff about this stuff if it peaks your interest. If you follow me and see this you should definitely do this bc i really don’t remember who i follow on here.
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Look she’s sending me all of them so I’m going to answer 3-100 here and not destroy everyone’s dash.Anyways here we goooooooooo3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?Whatever I can find usually. I remember I used a pocket knife at school once and my teacher pretended not to notice. Shout out to them.
4: how do you take your coffee/tea?My coffee with creamers and a lot of sugar, and I don’t really drink tea.
5: are you self-conscious of your smile?I used to be but then I stopped caring.
6: do you keep plants?
No, I actually hate flower smell for some reason?
7: do you name your plants?Nope.
8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?I play a lot of instruments but I wouldn’t say I express myself. I used to write poems but the my Great Depression hit. I guess writing?
9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?
I put on a concert in this bitch.
10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?Stomach.
11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?@dragonbornoflegend covered a lot of them already, but I’d like to add Bbless
12: what's your favorite planet?Mars or Jupiter.
13: what's something that made you smile today?All the compliments @dragonbornoflegend gave me and @fuckthepersonthattookmyusername calling me a “Fucking n00b”
14: if you were to live with your best friend(s) in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?Lot’s of weird decorations, like the one from Icarly but more dicks. It’s clean. I don’t have any animals because I get sad when they die but I’m attached to everyone’s pets. Exposed brick, wooden furniture, a sunroom with a skylight. We have a recording studio for Let’s Plays where we have game consoles and PC’s. Weapons hanging on the wall, embroidery and canvas prints with swear words on them. A liquor cabinet that, at this rate, I am probably locked out of. @dragonbornoflegend and @fuckthepersonthattookmyusername have two separate keys that need to be used to be unlocked. The sunroom looks out to the lights of the bustling center of downtown, and for once the air is filled with life and happiness, not depression and the constant desire to die. We eat garlic sticks from our cutting board that says “Eat the spaghetti to forghetti your regrehtti” and toast over a white wine to the sounds of honking below and Parks and Rec in our living room for the 7th time.
15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!In space the skin on your feet peels off!
16: what's your favorite pasta dish?Macaroni and Cheese.
17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?I really want to die my hair rainbow and shave the sides off my head again and wear it in a french braid so that way it’s all braided together.
18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.
I am a stupid machine. Throwing up (A lot, like a lot a lot), Weak ankles, weird shit I eat, the countless number of city infrastructure me and @fuckthepersonthattookmyusername have stolen.
19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?I don’t now but boy, did I. It was emo central. I had a lot of songs about my struggles and heart aches and a lot of drawings of people killing themselves.
20: what's your favorite eye color? The eyes are my favorite physical trait of any person. I gravitate to Green, but honestly everyone has pretty eyes.But I have the prettiest. (It’s the one physical trait I like about myself pls just let me have this.)
21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.I used to tear my bags apart but ever since I was a senior in high school I told my dad I wanted a vintage military messenger bag, and he got me a brand new one from Rapid Dominance that was army approved or something. it has like 7 pockets, fits my laptop perfectly, is made out of a canvas outside but a soft inside (Like a normal bag), and basically I can carry all my stuff I need to take notes in lecture, and was perfect for when I was in high school. I also have a vintage army style going, a lot of olive green, So it looks nice too. It says United States army 1775 with the army star on it. I want to get some patches to decorate it with, because it’s my only bag that has lasted this long. It has seen 4 of my dads girlfriends and a lot of changes in my life. It’s just a good bag.
22: are you a morning person?Well I work third shift so yes and no?
23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?I mean tbh it’s a lot of youtube and masturbating.(sorry family and friends)
24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?I might tell them some day but I don’t tell anyone how bad living with my mom was.
25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?One time when I was growing up a family moved of a house on my block out and kept a lot of little things behind. Not that it was weird, but weird, but my brother, some friends, and I peaked into the window and my brother saw a giant purple crayon bank, and upon seeing it, he claimed it as his.So we break in (Keep in mind I am like, 7) and I stole a ceramic chicken. We get to the room with the crayon and he grabs the crayon and runs the front door of this house (where it’s snowing and people can see our foot prints) and yells on at the top of his lungs “I GOT THE CRAYON” While holding it above his 6′1″ head, making the rest of us run past him and back to my garage where we were “safe”That was pretty weird I guess.
26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?My work boots; I need to retire them soon.
27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? That strawberry shortcake desert one.
28: sunrise or sunset? I can see the sunset from my window so I guess that.
29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?Support me when I get triggered and not leave because I have what I am pretty sure are ptsd episodes. (I don’t want to self diagnose)
30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?Truley scared?⁉️ 😂😂😂The fear😈 never💪stops🚫! We out here 💯 Fearin😣 erryday‼️ Thanks🙏 to my🤰 mom’s👊 physical👊 abuse👊‼️No but fr I had a pretty bad time living with my mom and I cope with it through humor. But there were times where I feared for my life, and seeing as the human body is hard wired to survival at all cost, I would say yes.
31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.I just wear black socks, idk I’m too lazy to deal.
32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.I again work third shift, so I am out past 3 AM a lot. @dragonbornoflegend told a good story. @fuckthepersonthattookmyusername and I took a trip to Alabama, and we stayed out till four in the morning in this small park in this small town with an old friend, and a friend we made that night. We layed in the middle of what is usually a busy street, quieted by the night and star gazed, started a fire in a grill then struggled to put it out, almost set the park on fire but swinging around a burning stick, and he tore down a light post with his bare hands and I stole a piece from the top of the post, all the while shooting the shit and being sober (New friend actually said that it was the first time he was sober in years and was one of the best times he had in a long time, which made me feel a type of way.)
33: what's your fave pastry?Anything that @dragonbornoflegend makes and blesses me with being allowed to eat it.
34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?When I was in sixth grade my school had a girls only lock in. It was like a girl positivity boot camp. Some of it was helpful and good for young girls to hear, but they also did that thing where they said “Your sexuality is like a piece of tape” so you know. But they had a bunch of stuffed animals they gave away to all the girls there. And I was the first person to pick and there was a stuffed husky there, and when I picked it the entire place sighed. His name was Brownie (Like the Cleveland browns football mascot who is a dog) at first, then I changed it to phoenix. He has bright blue eyes, black fur on top, white fur on bottom. He had lost some of his stuffing when I got him so I re stuffed him and sewed him back up. I still have him.
35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?Lol I am too sloppy for that mess but I’m proud of you if you do this.
36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?
Kidz bop
37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?
Cleaner than messier, but I wouldn’t call it clean.
38: tell us about your pet peeves!Being called a dog, being called stupid, etc.
39: what color do you wear the most?Olive green, blue, red, and black.
40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?@dragonbornoflegend bought @fuckthepersonthattookmyusername and I a friendship necklace a few christmases ago. It means a lot to me.
41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?Catch 22
42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!Really I get coffee anywhere. I like the aesthetic of them but I don’t really go because I’m broke.
43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?That Alabama trip.
44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?After we celebrated @fuckthepersonthattookmyusername‘s birthday with an extensive scavenger hunt, and being out till like 4 am the night before to get up at 9, we crashed at @dragonbornoflegend‘s house after eating some bomb ass cake. We talked for a bit, but eventually just fell asleep on The twin bed/chair together for like 4 hours. That was nice.
45: do you trust your instincts a lot?Yes and no. It depends on how much self doubt I have at the time.
46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.I would think of one because I am the PUNisher of my friend group but @dragonbornoflegend really nailed it earlier with “I have one that’s pretty saint-like lately. Bc they’re holey.”, because my back has open wounds in them. I have literal holes in my body.
47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?Pineapples so they can never ruin a pizza again.
48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?My mom and Y E P. Also I am afraid of AI and the deep sea which was not when I was a kid.
49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?I used to but not much now. I bought one from a band called Ice Nine KIlls.
50: what's an odd thing you collect?That cermaic rooster actually started a ceramic nick-nack collection.
51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?@dragonbornoflegend‘s mom- Fuck you.
52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?Yes.
53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?I’ve seen Heathers the musical and that was Lit.
54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?My dad.
55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?I am Petty™ so pretty much everything I do lol.
56: what are some things you find endearing in people?Good humor, intelligence, and kindness.
57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?I love Bohemian Rhapsody but that song is 6 minutes and a vine long and I Will Not.
58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I’d say @dragonbornoflegend because they love cats and share cooking videos on facebook and have secret family discourse, where I am the vodka Aunt because I am a walking meme.
59: what's your favorite myth?My Happiness (Also I love mythology)
60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? Edgar Allen Poe because my emo heart bleeds for it.
61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?I like to think I am good at gift giving, but I once got a small kids shirt when I was 16 (I have always been overweight) that had a Heart on it and smelled like Ice Tea.
62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?If I did it would be grape juice, I love grape juice. Not enough to but it though.
63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?Nope. My room is a trashcan of media.
64: what color is the sky where you are right now?White, with some blue poking through.
65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?
My work friends. My back holes have me out of work.
66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?Lot’s of dark flowers with red and purple.
67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?I like it.
68: what's winter like where you live?Usually mild but global warming dun goofed.
69: what are your favorite board games?Anything made by WOC
70: have you ever used a ouija board?Nope and you can’t keep them the fuck away from me. foh.
71: what's your favorite kind of tea?
Honestea. It’s easier to swallow than realitea.
72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?Nope.
73: what are some of your worst habits?Being alive.
74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.My two closest friends are both guys so. Sir Farts a Lot, and Sir Silicone Valley.
75: tell us about your pets!She died almost a month ago
76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?For once no.
77: pink or yellow lemonade?Neither please.
78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?If I could develop one superpower, it would be the ability to snap my neck on command so that way when I next saw a minion I could kill myself instantly as to never see one again.
79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?Cared about me after I treated them with abuse and harm.
80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?Yellow and white. My landlord picked them because they pop???
81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.The color of the blackest coffee when neutral, but like when coffee is poured, golden when light passes through it.
82: are/were you good in school?I got good grades and didn’t get into trouble, but that was just because I didn’t get caught.
83: what's some of your favorite album art?I like the Grateful Dead album, if nothing for all the shitty shirts walmart sells of it.
84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?YES. I want to get a french bread in American Traditional that says “I don’t deny myself bread” A grey jedi symbol where the positive space is galaxy colors and stars, a simple map of I-71, and eventually a sleeve.
85: do you read comics? what are your faves?I read the punisher when I grew up.
86: do you like concept albums? which ones?It’s been a long time since I’ve listened to concept albums but I like them. THere’s this one where all the songs flow into the other and it’s basically like this dudes journey through the desert, I don’t remember the name tho.
87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Life is too short man do what you want. But watch Avatar: The Last Airbender.
88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? I don’t know what it’s called but graffiti is neat.
89: are you close to your parents?I haven’t talked to my mom in 3 years and tbh Idk if she’s alive at this point. I used to be close to my dad but it’s kinda wishy washy.
90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.Cleveland gets a bad rap, but it is filled with culture. Polish bakers, german restaurants, rock n roll hall of fame. It’s not that bad.
91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I’m going to cape cod for a wedding.
92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?CHEESE TO PLEASE.
93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?Sidecut.
94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?My little cousin.
95: what are your plans for this weekend?I don’t have any, I’m pretty spontaneous.
96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?Never.
97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?ENTP (Usally), Leo, gryffindor when I take the full test, but my pottermore account says hufflepuff
98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?I don’t remember but yeah.
99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.Living louder.- The Cab.
100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?
If I gotta hit one I’m going with the future one because my past is sad and my now is only kinda better so hopefully I’ll be out of college with a job that isn’t lifting 70 pounds repeatedly in the dead of night.
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Week Overview
This week has been relatively good to me honestly. I’ve probably had more good than bad happen. Even if I did stress out pretty bad sometimes. I’m going to start chronologically as much as possible.
Friday: In the morning I was about to go to Target, and thought my boyfriend wanted to come because we always grocery shop together but he didn’t so I went alone. Which is fine, I enjoy shopping alone because I can take my time. While sitting in the parking lot, someone who lived in one of the buildings asked me for a ride to Stop and Shop so she didn’t have to take the bus. She is a very nice, old black woman and I’ve met her previously. I agreed to take her and we talked along the way. I suppose this was my good deed for the day. After I got paid, I ordered HTV sheets online for my shirts and it was a relatively good price and they were apparently way better quality than the ones I was using. I also ordered some skincare products from Elf because they’re products are not only amazing, but affordable too. It was only $15 for 5 products and I figured I needed some actual products and I want to care for myself more. I hung out with my cousin today as well, we went to BAM and I got a deck of Oracle cards and a set of citrine crystal earrings which are beautiful. We headed back to my grandma’s house and sat outside with my aunt, grandma, uncle, and cousin. My aunt mentioned that I should buy some crystals to go along with the deck of cards and suggested a place I completely forgot existed, Pandora’s Box. I took my cousin up there with me to Norwich and purchased selenite, black tourmaline, and black onyx as well as a mini satchel, and a depression aid kit.
Sunday: I decided to make a mini jar of prosperity oil as I watched a video of someone else making one. I decided to make it my own because everyone has different ingredients. It is supposed to attract money and success into your life. The ingredients I added were: mint (money, prosperity), basil (money, success), cinnamon (prosperity, good luck, energy), sesame oil (creativity, passion, money, success), patchouli essential oil (money, wealth, prosperity, material goods), sugar (fast acting agent). It was recommended to leave the oil to sit for two weeks so it can absorb all the herbs within the oil. I also went to Walmart and bought a nice lamp and a daylight bulb so that I can do my makeup in my room without the shitty lighting. When I tested it out, it was amazing and I was obsessed. It is amazing for photos as well as doing makeup. Later on this day, I organized my desk area to accommodate space for my makeup, shop items, school items, and machinery. It felt really good to do this.
Monday: Today marked the start of my weeklong Summer break before going back August 31st. I also slept the whole day because I was really tired. When I woke up, I went to Walmart and bought a nice wok for only $6. It’s 14 inches and I made vegetable fried rice with it, it is a dream to cook on.
Tuesday: Today my HTV sheets arrived. After work I went to Walmart and got a nice clothing rack to hang my products on, it was only $9 and was easy to assemble. I also assembled it myself while my boyfriend went out and did whatever. I also bought 6 shirts, 3 med, and 3 large. I tested out the HTV by printing one of my popular designs onto it and applying it with the heat press. It was a hot peel unlike my other transfer sheets which were cold peel. There was a definite quality difference and it was easy to use. I was very scared to peel it because I messed up every time before. At first, there was some product coming off but I put it back down and put the heat press on it again. Eventually it came out nice and it is currently hanging on the rack waiting to be sold. I started my bullet journal today with the one I bought a few weeks ago when I noticed my current notebook getting filled up. It’s initial intention was to be exactly like my current notebook, but then I decided I wanted to make it a bullet journal and (actually use it this time) and make it look really pretty. As always, if I don’t “vibe” with a journal or a notebook, I tend to not use it or want to use it. It originally was very plain blue with a quote on it. I felt that I would not vibe with this so I added some personalization to it with stickers I had and even added one of my own. Finally putting a use to all the unused stickers I have (that are not mine). I did also make some sticker designs because I’ve been putting it off. I made 3 sticker designs. I thought they turned out really nice. However, when I printed them, they didn’t have a nice quality. It was solely due to the fact of how I was creating them (my art software that does not have transparency, which is essential for sticker making). I attempted to use scissors to get rid of the nasty border and used an exacto knife for the insides, and I accidentally cut myself on it, so great.
Wednesday: Today was a pretty good day actually. At work, things went smoothly. I was the order taker, and normally it feels like the shift goes by forever but it wasn’t that bad this time. I was the one in charge so I made sure everything was done for the next shift and that everything went by smoothly and answered any phone calls and whatever. Later on this day, I was fed up with my designs not being the best quality that it can be. I decided to check out the Apple website because I love seeing their products, they’re so nice and smooth. I ended up applying for an Apple Card (which before I was denied 3 times), I actually got approved this time which is amazing! So, due to that, I was able to finance a brand new iPad Air 2019 and the first gen Apple Pencil. It is only $47 a month for both so it really is not bad at all. I am planning on canceling my gym membership, because I don’t even go, and honestly I feel I am content with my body right now and I don’t need a gym to get exercise. I still have yet to come into PF to cancel because you can’t do it over the phone. To make things better, before purchasing, I did do all the math to make sure I was financially stable especially for the upcoming weeks because I have bills due on the second week of September. I made a plan to save all my change to deposit into my account and to limit eating out to only once a week. (it shouldn’t be that hard). As of right now, my bills in tips that I make I will be depositing into my joint account to help pay for groceries because we are a little behind. I also consulted my friend Rheanna about the iPad because she has one for her shop. She has a different version but she says it is absolutely worth it and that I should definitely do it. So, in conclusion, it is a great investment for my business. Also, I would be using it for more than just that. I would be taking notes for school, grocery shopping lists, calculator as well (because with wearing face masks in the store, it makes Face ID unusable so it is a hassle to open the calculator, and the iPad I got has Touch ID instead) and much more. It is portable so I can draw anywhere literally. With my laptop PC and graphic tablet I can’t do that. I am actually very glad I got this and my pencil is supposed to arrive Thursday while it will take the iPad 2-3 weeks to arrive unfortunately.
Thursday: Today, I was actually at work on time. Work went pretty smooth and I got everything done, there was no yelling at all or complaints. My coworker invited me to his upcoming event where people can be vendors and sell their shirts and other products. Showcase their shops kind of. He said he is planning on getting the permit to host the event in New London (which is the perfect place). Originally he said it would be a cash only event, but I suggested that a lot of people only carry card, like myself. I suggested that we accept Cashapp, PayPal and even get those tiny Square card reader things that plug into your phone. I also gave some more ideas. He said he would be having food catered to the event and I suggested that the vendors should also make homemade food to bring to cut costs on the event, as it will be free to get in. I suggested that when the advertisement begins, that I would help advertise as I have a big following on Facebook and I even said I would create a banner with a piece of every vendor’s art to show potential guests what they are in for. Eventually he asked me to help with the event, to which I said yes. I actually am very excited for this as it will be good business for everyone.
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Weird Asks That Say A Lot
1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Teacups.
2. chocolate bars or lollipops? Chocolate bars.
3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy.
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? Extremely quiet, shy, but smart, creative, and loves to read and write.
5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Plastic cups!
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? I feel like my style is a mix of boho, goth, and grunge.
7. earbuds or headphones? Headphones.
8. movies or tv shows? Both.
9. favorite smell in the summer? Flowers.
10. game you were best at in p.e.? Leaving and refusing to participate.
11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Rice Krispies.
12. name of your favorite playlist? Broadway.
13. lanyard or key ring? Key ring.
14. favorite non-chocolate candy? Nerds Rope.
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? A Streetcar Named Desire or The Great Gatsby.
16. most comfortable position to sit in? Cross-legged.
17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? My Black Dr Martens.
18. ideal weather? 50′s and sunny. A nice, cool, beautiful autumn day.
19. sleeping position? On my stomach.
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? Laptop or diary.
21. obsession from childhood? Disney. Still an obsession.
22. role model? My parents and Audrey Hepburn.
23. strange habits? Erm I don’t know.
24. favorite crystal? Lapis.
25. first song you remember hearing? Hmm I don’t know!
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Go for a hike and explore nature.
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Snuggle up in blankets and watch movies with hot chocolate.
28. five songs to describe you? O god idk lol.
29. best way to bond with you? Talk to me about deep stuff, Broadway, books, films, art, literature, video games, and Disney.
30. places that you find sacred? my room.
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? An all-black crop top and skinny jeans, and Dr Martens.
32. top five favorite vines? Never watched. Don’t plan on it.
33. most used phrase in your phone? omg
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? hmmmmm idk hah.
35. average time you fall asleep? 2 lol.
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Mine.
37. suitcase or duffel bag? Suitcase.
38. lemonade or tea? Tea.
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? Lemon meringue pie.
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Uh nothing really. More so after ppl from my HS left lol.
41. last person you texted? My best friend from H.
42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? boTH.
43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? ALL.
44. favorite scent for soap? Lavender.
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy.
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? T-short, soft shorts, and socks. yes I wear socks to sleep.
47. favorite type of cheese? None. I don’t like cheese.
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Apple.
49. what saying or quote do you live by? “A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? Prob something my sister did/said.
51. current stresses? Work.
52. favorite font? Arial.
53. what is the current state of your hands? Typing.
54. what did you learn from your first job? Patience.
55. favorite fairy tale? Hmmm Snow White or Sleeping Beauty.
56. favorite tradition? Holiday time with my family.
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? My suicide attempt(s), dealing with extreme emotional abuse from an ex, and quitting self-harm.
58. four talents you’re proud of having? I can write well, I can draw/paint well, I’m great at my job, and I’m great at makeup and putting together an outfit.
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? “Well fuck”
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? A fantasy, fairytale anime.
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? See my favorite quote.
62. seven characters you relate to? Elsa - Frozen. Meg - Hercules. Eurydice - Hadestown. K Howard - Six. Lapis - SU. Janis - Mean Girls (movie, not the shitty musical). Daria - Daria.
63. five songs that would play in your club? The entire Hadestown soundtrack lol.
64. favorite website from your childhood? Myscene or Barbie.
65. any permanent scars? Yes.
66. favorite flower(s)? Black Rose.
67. good luck charms? Nope.
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? hmmmm not sure.
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Again, not sure.
70. left or right handed? Right.
71. least favorite pattern? I’m not a big animal-print fan.
72. worst subject? Trig.
73. favorite weird flavor combo? I don’t know what qualifies as weird.
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 8.
75. when did you lose your first tooth? 6.
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? Fries.
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? A sunflower.
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Sushi from grocery store. It’s not too bad. Especially if you see it being made fresh.
79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? School ID photo. Grad school one lol.
80. earth tones or jewel tones? Earth tones.
81. fireflies or lightning bugs? You would not believe your eyES.
82. pc or console? PC.
83. writing or drawing? Writing.
84. podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts.
84. barbie or polly pocket? Polly Pocket was my SHIT.
85. fairy tales or mythology? I love both so much.
86. cookies or cupcakes? Cupcakes, but both lol.
87. your greatest fear? Birds, needles, illness, something bad happening to my loved ones.
88. your greatest wish? Wealth, health, and happiness for my family, friends, and myself.
89. who would you put before everyone else? My family.
90. luckiest mistake? All my clients wanted virtual sessions since February and I got really lucky with that.
91. boxes or bags? Bags.
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Fairy lights.
93. nicknames? I have quite a few.
94. favorite season? Autumn.
95. favorite app on your phone? idk lol.
96. desktop background? My dog.
97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? mine, my mom’s, my dad’s, my home phone, and my sister’s.
98. favorite historical era? Medieval times, Renaissance, Victorian Era, and 1920′s, but also we’re living through it lol.
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Write for Me
Write for me.
That is what you said to me tonight.
Write for ME.
It cycled, and cycled, and cycled.
Write for me.
You continued talking, unaware of the significance. Unaware of the rabbit hole I was falling down. I stayed silent, trying to focus. I love the sound of your voice.
Write for me.
And I have.
I learned to write when I was five. I could already read by then, and was in love with my Nana’s handwriting. She wrote out the alphabet in cursive, and taped to my desk. I practiced it endlessly until I had it mastered. She would later teach me calligraphy, and inspire a love of fonts, typeface & literature of all styles.
When I was a child, I wrote my own versions of the fairy tales & stories I had read and been told. When I showed my mom, she said it was cute. When I said I wanted to be a writer, she told me I was wasting my time. I was crushed, but I continued.
When I was older, I wrote because it was all I had. My life was a strict, rarely changing routine filled with rules & restrictions. I spent the majority of my time alone, unable to leave my room without permission, and with only my school supplies & books as a means of entertaining myself. I channeled my thoughts & emotions into notebooks, journals, scraps of paper, the occasional sketchbook but all accompanied by crude drawings…
Despite my longing I could never recreate the images in my head properly onto paper, my talents unfortunately don’t lay in artistry. Art supplies were also expensive, and I had little to no access to money nor the freedom to leave in order to purchase them.
My room was searched whenever I was at school, and despite my best efforts at stashing them away, my mother found one of my journals.
Of any of them, it was the worst one for her to have found. That particular book was where my darkest thoughts lived; where my secrets, my demons & desires danced across pages in quickly scribbled and scrawled cursive, barely legible in places. A sizable chunk included passages about her, her divorce from my father, and her new husband.
This took place on a Friday, on my father’s weekend to have custody of my brother & I. I had a harrowing three hours being screamed at, threatened, and told that I was an ungrateful bitch before my father arrived. I spent the weekend a nervous wreck, wondering what I would be walking into on Sunday. My mother had kept the book.
When I returned, the atmosphere had changed. Any traces of warmth, compassion or empathy that had been scarcely present before were now entirely gone. I was met with stony, cold indifference or simple outright silence. They refused to look at me, and I was sent almost immediately back upstairs after the cursory ‘What did you do? Did your Dad say anything about me? What about that whore?’ investigation from my mother.
I was shocked when I opened my bedroom door & immediately saw the book sitting on the edge of my bed. I stood in the doorway, unable to breathe for a moment. I leafed through it, but it was unchanged. I shoved it into the furthest back part of my closet, and never wrote it in again.
That summer, I dug it out of the closet & brought it with me to my fathers house. I had been planning on throwing it into the ravine that bordered onto the backyard. When I went to retrieve the book, it wasn’t where I had left it.
My stomach sank, and I checked my father & stepmothers room. Sure enough, there is my book, sitting right on her dresser. I grabbed my book, and had an awkward conversation with my father when he returned home from work. I explained how I had to write the thoughts down, or the cycle wouldn’t end, and how fleeting my emotions are. For the first time, I think he may have understood that I was different, and he made me feel okay.
I found out a few years later that both my mother and stepmother had copied & used my journal entries during the custody & divorce proceedings. My mother also had told some of our family members, in some cases with wild exaggerations of what I had written.
My journal. My darkest secrets, my most horrible, angry emotional & hormonal rages used as fodder for their fighting. My mental health status was discussed & decisions were made without my knowledge or consent. Dozens of people had read my innermost, private thoughts, including school staff members. Court clerks, lawyers, the judge… I was angry & hurt as hell.
The worst part wasn’t the humiliation, the punishments that followed, or the anger at being used as a pawn, or that I felt violated from the lack of privacy. I had written a passage about the sexual abuse I had endured. It had, by this point, been read by at least five adults that I knew of and more that I didn’t, including a school principal.
Not a single of them said or did a damn thing about it.
Write for me…
After that experience, I didn’t write anything but schoolwork until I left home. I had printed a hard copy of some older writing I had done on our first computer, and that was discovered shortly before I left. I was humiliated by my stepfather, called a slut for having written a sex scene & told I was worthless for having those type of thoughts. Writing erotica had been cathartic for me, as it was a sexual encounter that I was able to control & end whenever I needed to. That response poisoned my confidence, and destroyed another outlet I had found to help retain my sanity.
When I finally did start journaling again, I became more adept at hiding my books. I would spend hours writing, whether it was novel ideas or chapters or character biographies.. I even wrote histories for D&D characters my friends played. I found LiveJournal, and started publishing posts online. I found LitErotica & started publishing there too. I felt safe, hidden behind a screen & a username.
Write for me.
When I walked into our room & caught my partner reading my personal journal, I stopped writing by hand. I created a private LiveJournal account, and resumed writing there.
These posts would eventually be discovered when I mistakenly left the apartment without logging out of my account. Screenshots were saved, e-mails were sent, and by the time I returned home from work, my inbox was overflowing with hate mail, rape and death threats.
My partner had taken anything that could be construed as a personal attack & declared me an emotional & physical abuser to our wide circle of friends, many of which believed without question.
My address, work, schedule & phone number had been shared. I managed to move within two weeks, but I didn’t stay at the apartment during that time. I had to close my accounts & change my number, and alter how I came & left work. Security was notified. I was so embarrassed that I almost quit, but I needed the money. People questioned & accused me for months afterward, until I stopped frequenting our local hangouts. I was stalked, followed and cat called for awhile, and called obscenities while riding the bus when I ran into our old crowd.
The kicker was when my partner, angry at my decision to leave, destroyed my hard drive. Years worth of writing novels, two of my +10k word scripts, my only copy of my complete novel, all my notes and characters and pictures.. GONE.
I was devastated.
Writing became complicated. Anything I wrote online, I was afraid would be taken offensively. I’ve never wanted to harm anyone & the confrontation is terrifying for me. I didn’t want my words twisted or misinterpreted. Anything I saved to my PC, I was afraid of losing again. Anything I wrote down by hand couldn’t be kept private.
Writing wasn’t safe anymore.
The Facebook era has only made the problem worse, giving more people access to my opinions & leaving more room for miscommunication and misunderstandings. I have become selective about what I share, and this type of self censorship bothers me. I wish I could express myself freely, without the tidal wave of dissenting opinions. Even from behind the relative safety of my screen, these confrontations elicit the same anxiety-ridden response from me as they do in person.
My former escape became a prison that I couldn’t escape from. I dreamt of my characters, their progressions and pitfalls, but when I woke instead of words I found only blank frustration, mere sentences that would trail off into nothingness instead of endless pages like before.
Write for Me.
And I have.
When my Nana died, she took what I believed at the time to be the last vestiges of my creativity with her. A piece of my soul died, irrevocably stolen from me the way she herself has been. I hadn’t touched a book, a sketchpad or a canvas in months.
Slowly, I started doodling, mostly as a way to keep myself occupied. I started a few paintings, but couldn’t satisfy my need for perfection. They still lay abandoned on my work bench. A friend asked for what should have been a simple painting, but it took me weeks before I could start it and months before it was finished.
Then I met you..
There was a spark, and it has grown. Since we met, I have started painting again not because I could use the money, but because I have the desire to be creative. This entry is the longest piece I’ve written in years.
You have a knack for guiding me towards the challenges in life that I find big & scary; all the while proving that there isn’t anything to be afraid of. This gradual gift of rebuilding confidence is something I cannot repay, nor adequately describe how significant it is to experience.
I’ve spent a lifetime creating these barriers, content to stay safe within my emotional fortress, until now. You’ve pushed my boundaries, and made me realize that perhaps it’s time that I start pushing them again myself.
Write for me..
And I will.
And this time I’ll let it be read.
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5 Things About Me Meme!
Tagged by @awakaru !
This time i’ll tag the last few people in my activity- @robtari , @tavros-tardis , and @boundtoanandroid !
5 Things You’ll Find In My Bag:
-My sketchbooks(two of them. same kind but one is vertical and the other is horizontal)
-My art supply box, which is pink and glittery and used to be a makeup box that i got for christmas one year
-This probly counts as two things, but my plusle and minun plushies! i also have a plusle keychain.
-I have a calligraphy pen w/ multiple nibs that I haven’t used very much yet. I’ll hopefully start using it and improving when i start college this fall!
-And finally, my tablet with bluetooth keyboard. No mouse or pen for it but that’s fine for now. One day though…
5 Things You’ll Find in My Bedroom:
Too many things;;
-I have a book bag that I only use when I travel. When I’m at home though, it holds most of my plushies! Including a pachirisu that lost an ear. Which I. Kiiind of fixed? I tore off a scrap piece of a purple scarf and sewed it over the hole with yarn. Maybe I’ll take a pic later, lollo
-I keep a cat cube on my bed near my feet. It’s purple and pink, with a leopard print. The outside is a kind of messy texture, while the inside has a soft carpet on the bottom. The cats don’t normally use it but when they do i try to take pictures!
-My favorite blanket! I use it to stim. When I was at high school I’d usually take it with me in my bag, as well as my scarves. It was helpful for taking naps during commons, especially after a bad insomnia bout. Also helpful during my depressive episodes- even if I’d still end up going home early sometimes.
-I have various posters put up in my room- including some prints from juicyink on youtube, a kingdom hearts 2 poster i got from when borders was still around, a print of Vincent Valentine that I got in the Artist Alley at colossalcon last year, a print i got from a caricature artist i got on my birthday as well as the caricature he made of me, and some old fashioned prints made on corkbord which kind of remind me of lowbrow fantasy art. I don’t know how old they are, I think my mom got them for me at a flea market?
-I also have some old drawings of mine on my walls. I used to have a lot more of my older older pics, but i took them down because I wanted to start fresh. These were from my senior year i think? So far it’s just drawings of Osiria and Dahteste so far lollo
-I lastly have my desktop computer! It’s a p big screen. My dad got me a new screen, keyboard, and pc box for my birthday, after I told him I wanted mass effect andromeda once it came out. For the specs he said. He’s very enthusiastic about that sort of thing;;
5 Things I’ve always wanted to do in life:
-Become a concept artist/character designer
-Write a story/Draw a comic about my characters(sadly my imagination is more abstract and my minds not v suited for concrete scripting lollo)
-Somehow meet and help my characters in real life. I know that’s impossible, shoosh
-Become a side character in someone else’s story/video game. Not physically of course- I mean I want to play as the sort of character that supports the protagonist and helps them get a good ending.
-Become a voice actor! I really enjoy the thought of my voice bringing a character to life. I’ve tried auditioning before, but I’m not very confident in online auditions like that cus my mics not the best;;
5 Things That make me Happy:
-Philadelphia roll with smoked salmon, avocado, and cream cheese! My fav sushi yums;;
-My cat Molly! her purrs sound like a pigeon or a dove coping and she’s so soft
-Comforting and emotional characters!! Like Cole, Sandal, and Dog from Dragon Age, Jaal from me:a, Legion from Mass Effect, Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, Lee from Naruto, Dogmeat from Fallout, etc.
-My Mom gives really good hugs and she’s really good at emotional support! She understands what I go through cus she has depression and anxiety too. We even take some of the same prescription! I like her more than Dad cus he gets angry sometimes and I can’t really predict when that happens. He’s not hurting me or anything, he just gets loud and that makes me a lil nervous is all!
-Conventions! I’m not really equipped for big social events usually, but these are usually the exception. You don’t really talk to people one on one, and you don’t have to be afraid of being the center of attention. Even buying stuff is easier cus no ones judging you for how much you’re buying or how long you’re at one booth!
5 Things I’m Currently Into:
-My mutuals/followers may or may not have noticed the posts about witchcraft ehe;; It started with me researching stuff that one of my brain friends, Elisa, is into. She started out with just general tarot reading, which then developed into her actually being a witch, which led to me discovering i really enjoyed the subject lollo
-Dungeons and Dragons podcasts like The Adventure Zone and Godsfall. that is too many capital letters;;;
-Modern Girl In Thedas fanfics. I especially enjoy the ones where the protag discovers no one in thedas speaks english. Sometimes people write it so english is qunlaat, but my fav is that the protag has to work at learning common on their own.
-I’ve gotten into playing more mobile games again, now that i have a phone that can support them;; I now have Love Live SIF, Fallen London, and the new ver of Kingdom Hearts X(fyi the x is pronounced cross in english- in japan its pronounce chi!)
-I’ve been watching doodle videos lately. They’re vids where the artist just doodles random lines and patterns and shapes to fill an entire page. Sometimes there are mandalas too! Sometimes the artist talks quietly and motivationally during it like Bob Ross. if you’re curious one of the artists i’ve been watching recently is called Peter Draws on youtube!
5 Things on My To-Do List:
-Finish prepping all the paperwork for starting college. I’ve been accepted, but there’s still financial paperwork to fill out lollo
-Make a grimoire/book of shadows/book of mirrors. Atm, all my witchy notes are in my phone. I plan to make a cutesy decoden grimoire once i’m actually in school!
-Start doing physical stuff like yoga and walking. School has a public yoga class available, and the campus has a lot of places where i can take breaks if i start feeling light headed due to the scoliosis. I’ve downloaded pokémon go preemptively to help w that
-Prepare for june’s various activities! This year i’m not just going to colossalcon- I’m also going to volunteer at a convention in DC! ooo I’m so excited and i wanna pack immediately even tho i know it’s not for a month yet lollo;; my mom is also in this mood
- Mmmaybe get a spirit companion? Dunno for sure yet. Not sure if my social anxiety also applies to the ethereal. A bit nervous about the constant-ness of the interaction. Need to research the subject a bit more lollo
5 Things People May Not Know About Me:
-I’m really disorganized. So much so that i can’t close my closet door due to the clutter in front of it;;;
-Physically speaking, I am only 5'6", I have a lazy eye, and mild scoliosis. My right canine tooth is broken as well.Im kind of self conscious about my teeth so my smiles are usually closed mouth.
I also have problems with hygiene, for various reasons- for general cleanliness i just forget to shower sometimes/don’t have the motivation for it. As for the teeth, my sensory issues make it so i very much hate toothpaste. That’s why my teeth are so bad;; speaking of-
-I have various mental issues. I have depression and anxiety, which has been clinically diagnosed. My psychiatrist also suspects i have mild autism or aspergers, but the test people never got back to us so heck if we know for sure. My mom, a couple of my friends, as well as me all agree i seem to have it. I also believe i have maladaptive daydreaming. This is a condition that makes it so I have very detailed imaginary worlds in my head- so detailed in fact that I get very attached to the characters in them, who I call brain friends. The daydreams get so detailed and involved that it’s sometimes hard for me to focus on stuff like reading or sleeping. Which exacerbates the insomnia i already have lollo. It’s easier for me to read fanfics than published stuff as a result, cus fanfics are basically written dreams in that sense? i’m also p bad at explaining myself with words lo l l,o;;
-Despite most of my posts being happy ones, i tend to have p bad depressive episodes. I try not to vent on here though cus i’m self conscious about how others interpret that. It makes me feel manipulative. I also have trouble with asking my parents for stuff for the same reason;;
-I started the positivity tag on election night. I was really shaky and anxious, but all of that was trapped inside and i couldn’t cry, so i just felt stuck there(i now suspect i was disasociating at the time?). I started reblogging all these happy posts to cheer myself up, and thanking all the people who were putting them on my dash. That’s why my positivity tag is ‘thank you’! :^)
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