No pets *shows picture of King Alphonse* okay I’ll make an exception because he looks very polite

The Lawyer, The Fabulous, and The Geek

A few relatively unimportant details are fuzzed to obscure identity as this ended up a Big Deal.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I had just managed a promotion at work. I was now a manager who managed managers at a hotel of not insignificant renown. This meant I was at that point where despite having a boss above me in the same building, I was the absolute highest person most guests would ever talk to. Unfortunately, that also meant I got to handle the most noxious of people who were so insistent their shit didn't stink that they wouldn't pull their head out of their ass because it smelled too nice in there.

One of our better corporate clients was a law firm I will call Lawyer Factory. On a regular basis we would have a new hire from Lawyer Factory stay with us for one or two months before they could find a suitable apartment in the city. Most of the new hires were slightly elitist but not particularly bad sorts. They would talk to front desk staff on occasion, mostly to brag about their watch collection or new Jaguar, but they would also give front desk staff a few local sportsball team tickets they got from the office.

The target of my revenge was a newly minted lawboy who I will call Dylan as he looked like the kind of guy you would expect to be named Dylan. Lawboy Dylan was very obviously new at the game, as he would come down for breakfast every day around 8:30 in a sweatshirt, jeans, and stocking cap. Part of our deal with Lawyer Factory meant their recruits had breakfast included with the room every day. At first, Dylan was a fairly approachable fellow, shaking hands with the front desk staff and taking time to talk about the most popular sportsball team in town who was a favorite of everyone including yours truly. Dylan and I had also spent a bit of time jawing about a few video games and anime. He was a causal fan, but it happened that his brother in college was a hardcore fan both of an obscure Asian online game and Dragon Ball Z, both of which were my big nerd-out spots. Thanks to him, I met his brother in game and fortune had it that we were both in guilds which went boss hunting together on a regular basis.

Of course, this wouldn't be a story about revenge if Dylan was really a likable guy all the time, now would it?

One day a few weeks into his stay, Dylan hit the lobby early on Monday just before 6 am looking for coffee and breakfast a bit early. According to security footage, this is when things started to break down. He pulled on the restaurant door to no avail as it would be locked for another ten minutes. He pulled again with some frustrated mumbling that couldn't be heard clearly. It is also worth nothing that Dylan's breakfast outfit plus a weekend without shaving left him looking not entirely unlike a transient man hoping to score some free coffee. At this point, my night manager "Marcus" decided to intervene. Marcus is very reliable, very flamboyantly gay, and very black, and he'd scold me for only using one very for each of those. Marcus asks Dylan for ID as proof that he is a guest. Somehow, this must have been the worst insult Dylan has ever heard, as he decides this is time to lash out in the worst way. He started into a profanity laced tirade filled with racial and homophobic slurs along with rolling up his sleeve far enough to show a Confederate battle flag tattoo to display his contempt for Marcus. While security footage didn't show this part, Marcus also testified that Dylan reeked of whiskey and cinnamon as if he had been pounding Fireball since 5 pm the day before. Marcus decided he wasn't going to have any of this, stepped back and let one of our early bird morning staff handle the issue. When she stepped in, Dylan had no problem procuring ID for her as well as an unsolicited phone number. By 8:00, Marcus was in my office venting about how he wanted to "beat Dylan's ass like the bitch he is" and unleashing other bits of choice profanity.

I've got a rule when it comes down to troublesome guests. You can swear at me, you can hurl racial slurs at me, you can say whatever you want, and I'll still make it a point to provide the best customer service possible. Pull that shit with my staff and I'll toss Business McMakebucks out on his ass. Dylan went the latter route and he had to go.

Well, as you might imagine, a lawyer being informed that it was on him to find new accommodations immediately did not go over well. First he attempted to invoke tenant law which was quickly shot down as he had not established 30 days of residency. Second, he implied that his employer would cease operations with us if he were evicted. Considering we had offered them a sweetheart deal far better than our rivals, this was not particularly likely and never came to fruition. When all else failed, he turned to me and begged me to not throw him out. No dice, nobody calls my go-to night guy a N-F- without consequences. I'd like to say I was badass enough for him to bolt in fear of me, but I wasn't and he didn't. However, he was pretty quick to shut up when Officer Smiley came in and requested his cooperation.

First, I call "Katie" at Lawyer Factory HR. Katie is one of the nicest ladies I've had the pleasure of working with. A quick discussion leads her to a decision that Dylan has stepped over a line. Within two weeks, Katie refused to acknowledge anything beyond the fact that Dylan was not employed at Lawyer Factory.

Next, I call the state bar association. They are as tight lipped as expected, although there was a clear air of exasperation from the representative as if this wasn't the first she had heard the name Dylan Lawboy.

Professional revenge is fine and dandy, but insulting my crew and showing off proof of being a treasonous son of a bitch in my hotel asks for more.

Three weeks later, Dylan's brother is pulling tank duty and I'm the King of Healz, bringing the smack down on a goat demon. His brother mentioned how Dylan had moved back home after his employer "lost a client and didn't need him anymore" and his potential apartment was "not worth the trouble" after all. Seems not working as a lawyer means it's pretty hard to make rent in a downtown loft. Bro also mentioned that Mom told Dylan that if he wanted to stay at home, he would "have that terrible graffiti taken off his shoulder immediately."

The aftermath included a lawsuit, a few discussions with company legal, and a healthy dose of Schadenfreude at a complete failure of his claim of defamation. The next hire from Lawyer Factory was a very likable Samoan guy whose idea of flaunting his wealth was buying pizza for the staff and bringing it in while singing "You're Welcome" from Moana. Total goofball and easily my favorite lawyer guest. Last I heard from Bro, Dylan had a large tattoo removal scar and a job as a paralegal.

(source) (story by 432A)

Dear Dudence for 25 September 2017

As I read the latest advice I can’t help but remember Newdie advised a person to stay with someone cheating on on their spouse because those errands needed running.  Anyway, through the miracle of fermentation I’m off to provide possibly better answers to questions strangers don’t even known I’m answering!

My husband’s best friend, the repentant wife beater: A month ago, my husband Ben’s lifelong best friend Matt sent his estranged wife Claudia to the hospital. Despite our husbands’ closeness, Claudia and I never clicked, but I’m horrified by how badly Matt hurt her. Since we found out, Ben and I have argued about our relationship with Matt. I want nothing to do with him; Ben believes we need to support him now more than ever.

Dear Best Friend; Wife Beater, let me go ahead and suggest that a viable middle ground for the short term for you two is Ben continues to be Matt’s friend and you don’t spend any time with Matt.  Set whatever boundaries you wish to set about times and locations where Ben sees his friend (”He’s not going to come to our house Ben,” for example).  Giving your husband, with whom you have an “amazing” marriage, the benefit of the doubt something to consider is that right now he’s in a bit of grief and shock.  His best friend, someone he’s known longer than his amazing wife, just committed a shocking act of violence against his intimate partner.  Your husband is probably, internally, grappling with the idea of “Just how bad does Matt need to be for me to end this relationship?” since this is probably something he didn’t know about his friend.  You’re not “out of your mind” to consider leaving your amazing husband because of his friendship with a wife beater.  However it is incredibly controlling for you to consider an ultimatum of “End your friendship with Matt or I’m going to divorce you”.  You should give your husband some support and help him work through his emotions as he deals with the fallout of Matt’s actions on both of you.  Believe me, your husband will be far more open to your point of view on the situation if you go into it as his friend and partner than as the moral scold who is demanding he end a lifelong friendship with his best friend due to something where the consequences and any rehabilitation could have possibly begun.

Instagram insecurity: About a year ago my boyfriend mentioned to me that he thought his Instagram use was “weird.” When I asked him what he meant, he said that he uses it mostly to look at pictures of women he finds attractive. I was surprised he confided this in me and asked him to delete it, and he complied. Since then, I’ve found him using Instagram again to look at women on three separate occasions. Each time we had a huge fight and he would promise not to do it again. This time, when I once again found him on the site (after he lied about whether he used it), he apologized but said he couldn’t promise not to use it again because it was just a “thought crime.”

Dear Instagram Insecurity, your boyfriend is an idiot.  Now with that out the way let’s move on to the rest.  I’m going to assume he’s not just going to Instagram sites which are reposting the porn with which you are “fine”.  That this is more like he’s finding the IG of attractive women and kind of creeping on the more intimate parts of their lives which they share.  This is bothering you more than his porn use because it’s putting him in a more emotionally connected web.  He’s not doing it just so he can see “EggPlantTaker” do her thing, he’s doing it because he likes the way “SweetieBootieCakes” talks about her day and he is ‘shipping himself into her life.  On top of it he has lied to you, broken a promise he made, hid his actions, and is now saying it’s your fault he won’t uphold his word.  At this point you’re going to need to decide for yourself if this is an issue you’re willing to break up over.  Personally I don’t think the Instaporngram is a deal breaker per se, but his actions to lie about it repeatedly and then gaslight (I think I’m using it right) you by implying you’re the “thought police” are not a good look.  NuPru’s advice about possible compromises is good as far as it goes.

Too smart for something like that: Growing up, I’ve always been praised for how intellectual I am. I feel like this is a humble brag, but to give you an idea I read at a college reading level before middle school and was in calculus my sophomore year of high school. My grandmother, who is very overbearing, would brag to everyone about how smart I am. My parents, too, would stress the importance of keeping up so I could go to a good school and be more or less set for life. Now I’m in college in a very rigorous major, and I despise it. The work is fine, and even when I’m challenged I don’t feel overwhelmed, but being forced into this major has made me overwhelmingly apathetic to anything requiring more than basic algebra.

Dear Too Smart, here, let me help you with this; I’ve read a lot of college student writing; reading at their level in the 5th grade isn’t that impressive.  And Doogie Howser was a doctor before you were even taking calculus.  Sorry, that was petty of me.  You are burned out.  You have been going hard at a course of action you weren’t completely sold on for most of your life.  I will take a chance though and assume that, if you’re intending to make 6 figures, shifting to massage therapy is going to be costing you tens of thousands of dollars (so you’re off by at least a factor of one; not looking good for your mathing.  I kid, I kid because I love!).  I say this not to dissuade you but so you have a bit clearer idea what you’re choosing between.  While the money is important the saying “Do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” is a platitude, but a useful one.

The necklace: My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now, and we have a wonderful 2.5-year-old daughter. Last year, for Mother’s Day, he bought me a necklace with her birthstone. In the entire span of our relationship I have never worn a necklace, or really any jewelry, to the point of making the statement “I don’t like jewelry.” It’s inconvenient to take on and off every night, every morning, and when I exercise.

Dear The Necklace, I’m old so I read “4 years together and we have a 2.5 year old” and I think “why is he getting you a necklace and not a ring?” but that is none of my business (Googles insert Kermit meme into Tumblr...).  There is something going on beyond the wearing or not wearing of a necklace.  You’ve been together 4 years and have been through 3ish years of parenting.  How on Earth have you two not managed to get to this point without resolving issues of “I want a small act but my partner doesn’t, what compromise can we come to.”  This is some basic couples communication which seems to have broken down for you two in this instance.  For whatever reason your boyfriend has decided that this necklace is a physical token of his love, and your eminently reasonable sartorial choice is being viewed as you denying his love.  There is no reason this needs to break into a fight, but there is probably a fight-having issue percolating in here somewhere.  Be prepared.

Nosy neighbor: A few months ago, I moved into a new apartment. My neighbor across the hall, Jeff, has taken a large interest in me. The first week I moved in, he came by with a platter of cookies and asked me a few normal neighborly questions. Three days later, as I came home from work, he approached me and asked about my job.

Dear Nosy Neighbor, “I gotta go, have a nice day.”  When he doesn’t get the hint escalate to “I’m not going to talk about this.  Good day”  If it continues you’ll eventually reach *pointedly ignoring him as you range-walk down the hall*.  Finally a letter will be sent by the property manager about his harassing fellow tenants.  

Cat fight: For months, my 17-year-old sister has been begging for a cat. Our parents caved and she received a kitten, so long as she was the only one responsible for it. She’s been good at keeping up with the responsibility and absolutely adores the cat, but has recently fallen behind in school and got a speeding ticket. My mother is furious, and decided she wasn’t “deserving” of the cat anymore, and will be rehoming it by the end of the month.

It’s a cat, not a toy.  Whatever “war” is going to be started by “Hey mom, rather than emotionally torturing her daughter by taking away her cat, while also teaching her a valuable lesson about the transactional nature of caring, love, and relationships, why don’t I look after it until she gets back on track?” is probably one that is either worth fighting, or will be over so fast it will become a topic people google (googles “briefest war in history” and loses the next 3 hours to a trek prompted by the Anglo-Zanzibar War).  

And that is how the Legion of Honour was established.

Too empathetic?: I’m naturally a very empathetic person. However, lately I’ve been finding it to have a very negative impact on my life and quite debilitating. Seeing panhandlers on the street always makes me feel bad—but recently, after being asked for change as I was getting into my car, I ended up feeling so bad I cried the entire way home. Yesterday, reading one-star product reviews for a potential purchase sent me into a tailspin: “Someone came up with an idea for a product, and got it made, and it sucks. How horrible for them!” Little things set me off because I go through a worst-case scenario thought process, which always leads to me crying and feeling terrible for hours.

Dear Too Empathetic, in the Army we call this “Catastrophizing” and it’s part of resiliency training.  Granted, you’re thinking this about other people, but it’s close enough.  There’s probably not a whole lot of “good” thinking about someone panhandling, but for your one-star product, sure it got a bad review, and the creator probably isn’t thrilled about it, but they did actually get it made, and that it didn’t meet a customer’s expectation is something they might use to improve it.  Being exposed to someone’s bad experience ruining your day sounds a bit of an outlier, but it’s something in your mind and you can take steps to stop it.  Give some of the many techniques available online a go, but if it keeps being a debilitating problem it might be something you want to consider speaking with a real professional about.