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austerulous-a · 3 years

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𝐒𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

1. What does your muse smell like?

Ha, I always seem to ask writing partners this question! Annie herself has a rather keen sense of smell, and likes to be clean. Her body’s natural scent is vaguely sweet but given she perspires considerably during martial training, and hit puberty earlier than most, she became fastidious about personal care at a young age. In the interests of getting as much sleep as possible, Annie tends to wash out of a sink or basin in the morning, and shower in the evening (it’s no accident that this arrangement also means she’s also less likely to have to use communal showers at the same time as anyone else). In Marley, she often retained the scent of the plain soap her father purchased, while in Paradis scented soaps became her secret indulgence. Light, floral fragrances are her favourite, and she likes lilac in particular.

2. What do your muse’s hands feel like?

Having suffered with sensitive, itchy skin as a child, Annie is in the habit of frequently using balm or cream on her hands, which makes them soft and smooth to the touch. That being said, as a result of domestic chores, her silver ring being a permanent fixture on her right forefinger, as well as her military training, Annie’s palms and fingers have some calluses. For as long as she can remember, she has had cool hands (and feet) but inheriting the Female Titan seems to have exacerbated this to the point where they are frigid much of the time. Annie’s hands are dainty, in keeping with a girl of her size and stature, while her fingers are dexterous, slender and deceptively delicate; she is strong, and can deliver a crushing handshake if so inclined (never forget this scene from the Lost Girls OVA).

3. What does your muse usually eat in a day?

Annie has an unhealthy relationship with food, and her eating patterns are disordered; she is the sort to forget to eat or to deliberately skip meals, or to binge when the opportunity presents itself. Given that Annie’s value lies in her physical capabilities, her father was very controlling over her intake, and critical of both her body and her sweet tooth. You better believe Gabe Leonhardt is the kind of man who would slap a biscuit out of his daughter’s mouth. The regular, plain meals served by the military work in her favour then, as they provide some sort of structure and nutritional balance. Of course, her impoverished background (picking mould off fruit and bread was a common occurrence during her childhood, as food close to spoiling was sold at discounted prices) and her appetite mean Annie isn’t a fussy eater. She will try almost anything once, even dishes others might balk at, or consider an acquired taste. Adventurous as she is, Annie carries a great deal of trauma around what she was forced to consume by the Marleyan military, as part of their experimentation on her and the Female Titan. This included cannibalising parts of her fellow Warriors. Living amongst refugees after the fall of Wall Maria, Annie stole food, and would split these spoils – as well as her rations – with Reiner and Bertholdt. Sharing food is one of the easiest and most common ways for her to express affection. Annie does not drink alcohol, her favourite beverage is limeade and she is particularly fond of lavender, lemon and mint flavours.

4. Does your muse have a good singing voice?

Yes, but Annie has little cause to sing, and it would mortify her to be overheard, so she rarely indulges (never underestimate her fear of being laughed at). Sometimes, she will sing in the shower, or while doing chores alone, but she is far more likely to hum quietly under her breath. For the record, I think Misaki Fukunaga’s vocals on Annie’s song (Kanojo wa Tsumetai Hitsugi no Nakade / ‘She Lies Within the Cold Coffin’) is a pretty solid representation of her singing voice.

5. Does your muse have any bad habits or nervous tics?

While she has been raised to be adept at disguising her emotions, Annie does have a number of behaviours that are born out of habit, and can be indicative of her mood – namely cracking her knuckles, or twisting her silver ring. For a time, she had a ‘tell’ during combat where she would blink twice in rapid succession before making a particularly decisive or devastating blow; her father successfully hammered this out of her. While not a habit per se, during her early childhood she suffered from excoriation disorder, and as such would scratch / pick at her skin, as well as pull out her hair and eyelashes. As a young adult, swearing forms one of her more obvious bad habits, along with staring, keeping a wholly irregular sleep schedule and forgetting to eat (or conversely eating too much).

6. What does your muse usually look like / wear?

Whenever possible, Annie will remain in her military uniform both for the impersonality and simplicity of it. Outside of that, she chooses roomy, comfortable and practical clothes in pale and muted colours. Hoodies form her preference (she will pull the hood up when she wants to shut the world out, or to feel alone) but tunics, sweaters and jumpers also appear in her wardrobe – basically anything that’s relaxed in fit, and doesn’t cling to her upper body. She is less concerned with trousers being closefitting, and is content to wear cropped varieties or even shorts in hot weather. Skirts, dresses and more traditional feminine garb usually only feature in her disguises. Annie is tactile and has a strong preference for soft fabrics, partly because for the comfort they offer her touch-starved self, and partly because she suffered with sensitive skin (an issue that inheriting the Female Titan resolved for her). For the sake of practicality, Annie will almost always pull her hair back into her trademark messy bun, and likes a heavy, long fringe to hide behind. Post-crystal, she moves towards wearing her hair down, finding that it helps soften her hard features. Ultimately, Annie isn’t big on experimentation when it comes to fashion or styling, doesn’t wear make-up, and is concerned only with being clean, comfortable and presentable enough to pass inspections.

7. Is your muse affectionate? How much? How so?

There are times when Annie wishes she could be affectionate, but she genuinely doesn’t know how. Her father deliberately kept her isolated, and dominated her formative years as a remote, unfeeling and largely inexpressive disciplinarian. The height of care he showed Annie was silently helping her to wrap her swollen hands and feet at the end of particularly gruelling days, or tending to her when she was sick with fever. His bedside manner was clinical, perfunctory. Where other parents might hold their child’s hand, he would choose instead to grasp her by the wrist, often gripping her tightly enough to bruise. Distance has always existed between them and, prior to the Paradis Island Operation, he placed his hand fondly on Annie’s head only once, and embraced her only once, the traumatic context of both instances sullying the contact. As a result, she watches expressions of affection – mothers dabbing at their children’s sticky faces, friends embracing or tousling each other’s hair, lovers holding hands – with quiet longing and fascination, more often a witness than a participant. Normally only close to others in combative situations, Annie is hardwired to associate proximity and touch with danger and / or pain. It isn’t all doom and gloom, however. With trusted companions or partners, Annie can and will open up, overcoming her concern with boundaries and rejection. Mostly she expresses affection through small, fleeting touches; the brush of fingers, sitting side by side or leaning against those she is comfortable with. Along with quality time, physical touch is one of Annie’s primary love languages.

8. What position does your muse sleep in?

Given the abuse that marked her childhood, it’s no accident that Annie assumes an almost defensive position. Typically she sleeps on her side with her knees drawn up and her hands raised, vaguely mirroring her combative stance. On occasion she will sleep her head under her pillow, or hide her face in the crook of an elbow. While she very often dreams of training with her father, she is usually a deep sleeper and doesn’t move around too much – though the odd slumberous punch or kick isn’t unheard of. Eerily, Annie will sometimes sleep with her eyes open, and she is a frequent sleep-talker.

9. Could you hear your muse in the hallway from another room?

Most likely not. Courtesy of her martial training, which demands she be light on her feet, and her father’s fervent subscription to the belief that children should be seen and not heard (along with his punishment / correction of any behaviours that he deemed irritating or undesirable) Annie learned to move quietly, to make herself as small and silent a presence as possible. Being diminutive both as a child and as an adult, she never experienced the clumsiness that often comes with growth spurts and the shifting dimensions of a maturing body. There is a natural grace and confidence to her movements, but also something soulless and mechanical that has been instilled in her. Play and the raucousness of childhood was not something Annie was permitted to indulge in at home and it shows; even during her youngest years, she carried herself as an adult might, stiffly and precisely. This inherent stealthiness is part of what makes her so well-suited to covert operations, along with the fact that she is plain and slight enough to go overlooked. That being said, when she is especially exhausted or weary, Annie may stumble or move lethargically, and is more likely to be overheard.

tagged by: @oncejaw like a million years ago – I loved doing this, thank you lovely! ♡ tagging: a ton of people were tagged already, so whoever wants to do it.

#✧ headcanon — ❛ go waist-deep in mist / to break the light ice ❜#cw: disordered eating #cw: skin picking #cw: cannibalism

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hag-lad · 4 years

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Digging Deeper

Thank you to my radiant wonderful friend @alienfuckeronmain for sending me EXACTLY the type of self indulgent wind-down activity I wanted on this otherwise depressing weekend! If anyone else wants to answer FORTY-NINE QUESTIONS about themselves, I’m super nosy and will read it all! @fight-the-seether @ptolemyofchaos @butchwizard @metalbutch @nyndelion @comrade-ziltoid @leatherdear @kristalknobb Enjoy, friends!

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? I prefer black, but I always feel like I write neater in blue??

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? The city, but only if it has breathable air, green infrastructure, and decent public transit. So like... definitely no city in America lmao

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? The ability to quickly become fluent in another language! I’ve been struggling with Spanish for literal YEARS and it’s honestly pathetic. My brain is so stuck on English.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Look pal. If I wanna drink sugar, I’m gonna have a soda, not herb water or bean juice.

5. What was your favorite book as a child? I was OBSESSED with The Wish List, by Eoin Colfer (of Artemis Fowl fame). I remember being so fascinated by how dark it was?? It’s an afterlife adventure, where the main character has to escape purgatory by atoning for her crimes of robbery and fraud and whatever. I had a crush on her, so basically this book made me want to pursue a life of crime, even though it explicitly condemns crime and depicts Hell as a very real and horrible place. I was in like fourth grade and was super morbidly curious about Hell and the possibility of going there! Lol

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Baths... but only when I’m not actually dirty going in. A bath is leisure, not hygiene.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? 100% fae! I would build my dwelling within a sidhe mound, steal shiny things in the middle of the night, make bastardly little contracts for no reason, and cause harmless mayhem and mischief because mortals really are fools (go off, robin goodfellow!) Also I love mushroom circles and dancing in the moonlight.

8. Paper or electronic books? Paper all the way! I read much more content electronically, but it’s usually in the short story or article format. Books are much better in print, I think.

9. What is your favorite item of clothing? Probably my rust-brown overalls.

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I’ve always hated my name but no alternative has ever stuck, unfortunately. My name is Amy, and I don’t think it fits at all. If I knew I’d never have to correct anyone on it, I’d probably just change it to Amelia?

11. Who is a mentor to you? My little brother! He’s this genius musician, and he has taught me so much about song structure, polyrhythms, guitar technique, production tricks, all kinds of trivia that really deepen my appreciation for music and the LABOR that goes into it.

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? No, never, not for anything. I cherish my anonimity so much, I don’t even put searchable tags on this blog cuz I get an adrenaline spike from anxiety if too many people interact with me. I also just think fame is a fucking hideous construct. I don’t think it’s even slightly cool or desirable.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? No, I’m a fucking log. I can easily sleep for 12 hours straight. Thanks, depression!

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? No, actually. I’m very much in love, and it brings me lots of joy to do nice things with and for my partner! But romance feels very difficult for me to connect with. I’m super domestic, like, I love the idea of marriage but not necessarily a wedding, or a moonstruck romance or whatever. Those dramatic gestures feel very awkward for me.

15. Which element best represents you? EARTH. Specifically, like... dirt, or soil.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I want to be geographically closer to my family. We’re thick as thieves, but we all live like 50 miles apart from each other. I miss my brothers and my parents so much, I feel so incomplete and depressed without them to hang out with, especially since quarantine.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? See above! Lol

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. When my little brother was a baby, he had this grey car seat with a folding mechanism which held his legs in place. It made a very satisfying clicking sound when the mechanism moved, AND when it was fully unfolded, it looked a lot like a Klingon battle cruiser. (Or so my five year old brain thought.) So! My older brother and I would take this seat out of the car CONSTANTLY so that we could unfold it and “sing” the Klingon theme music from Star Trek: The Motion Picture while we scooched our car seat battle cruiser across the living room floor, pretending to shoot phasers into the TV or the dining table or whatever else got in our way.

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? Gifilte fish, maybe?

20. What are you most thankful for? My family, including my wonderful partner and all the cats in our lives!

21. Do you like spicy food? Yes! But my tolerance for extreme spice decreases every year, unfortunately. So I can’t handle as much heat as I used to, but I do enjoy a good kick.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Lmaooo I made the regretful decision to PAY FOR a meet&greet with Fall Out Boy in like 2006, which was so fucking awkward and painful, I vowed to never approach that level of lame again.

23. Do you keep a diary or a journal? TONS! I’m an obsessive record keeper. Some years I journal more than others, and I’ve found that it is super difficult to keep up with it while working full time. But it’s absolutely one of my favorite hobbies.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or pencil? Pen for writing. Pencil for drawing, and math.

25. What is your star sign? Virgo sun, Aquarius moon, Scorpio rising 🙃

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Crunchy! A shallow bath in that milk is key.

27. What would you want your legacy to be? My artwork. I go through these aesthetic phases every year that I become super obsessed with/ focused on, and I’ve always meant to catalogue them in annual art journals, but I’ve NEVER FINISHED ONE! They always get pushed aside by the need to work, and I hate that so much. If I could just take a year off work and backfill all of my missed concepts into completed books, I would be so happy. But I literally have NO WAY to pay for that, absolutely none. I fucking hate capitalism.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I love to read, but finishing a whole book has been A STRUGGLE lately! Right now I’m chipping away at Tending Brigid’s Flame, which is a quaint lil devotional for the Celtic fire goddess. Very new agey, like cheesy Wiccan vibes. I love that shit!

29. How do you show someone you love them? Quality time!

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Only if I have a straw. Ice touching my teeth kinda makes me wince.

31. What are you afraid of? Incompetance, doing a bad job, letting someone down, taking up too much space, being a nussiance, etc

32. What is your favourite scent? Incense! Especially cinnamon, dragon’s blood, and amber.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? I always call people, regardless of age, by the name they ask me to use. Sometimes it’s a surname or title, usually it’s a first name. I’ll ask their preference if I’m unsure. But I definitely don’t default toward a surname, that’s weird.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY!!!!!! The need for money rules literally every single hour of my entire life, and I hate it so much. I’m naturally nocturnal, but my job requires me to get up super early and sit in a car for 11 hours a day. I wake up at 5am, come home front work at 5pm, spend an hour or two trying to unwind, then go to bed and do it all over again. I hate my life! Really! I never see the stars, I never exercise, I am completely exhausted and burnt out all the time, and I barely get any quality time with my partner. If money were no object, I would sleep til noon or 1, make art and hike all day, ride my bike and stargaze all night, stay up til 4am reading and playing with my cats, and sleep like a baby. My partner and I would cook dinner for each other and watch Star Trek and collaborate on art projects and I would be so happy.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? Here’s my hierarchy: Private pool > ocean > public pool

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? I’d look around to see if anyone obviously dropped it and try to give it back. If I couldn’t find anyone, I’d exchange it for dollars and deposit that shit into my account!

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Of course!! Hundreds!

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? America is evil and needs to be destroyed.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Lmao this is so cute. If you HAD TO HAVE a tattoo! I really wanna finish my damn sleeves, they’re literally 9 years in the making and barely half finished. But I’d also love more art on my legs! I DESPERATELY want Ziltoid in a lacy valentine heart on my thigh.

40. What can you hear now? Our fish tank water bubbling and my fan on full blast.

41. Where do you feel the safest? Home alone, doors locked, windows covered, lights low. I absolutely LOVE to not be seen or perceived in any way.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? My fear of discomfort

43. If you could time travel to another era, which one would you choose? I feel like I’d want to be a teen in the 80’s and an adult in the 90’s. Does time travel work that way?

44. What is your most used emoji? 😭 or 😎

45. Describe yourself using one word. Defeated

46. What do you regret the most? Convincing myself that math was too hard or boring (or something?) when I was in middle school. I feel like I’m actually a pretty intelligent person who could’ve totally overcome that difficulty and gone on to understand all kinds of patterns and concepts which have eluded me to this day! It’s so frustrating to try and fight that formative self-concept, which now comes naturally but ultimately sabotages me. 💀

47. Last movie you saw? I made my partner watch Troop Beverly Hills, one of my childhood faves. It’s so fun! I love chick flicks so much.

48. Last tv show you watched? Deep Space Nine. Getting through the first season has been harder than expected. It’s actually my favorite Star Trek show?? (Orrrr maybe that’s TNG, ahh! It’s so hard to choose!) But season one is so baffling and awful! Why is there so much space capitalism??! And racism? And war? And drinking alcoholic beverages? #notmystartrek

49. Invent a word and its meaning. I used to call a single strand of curly hair a “curly quink” when I was a child. Therefore, a “quink” is a section of hair, usually a particularly cute or iconic one.

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pensurfing · 4 years

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An Unapologetic Break

((First, Happy New Year lmao))

Its been brought up a few times within the community about ‘taking breaks’ and messing with the algorithm(s) that no one wants to take a break. It’s actually somewhat dishearting to hear that artists would rather run themselves down into the ground to keep playing tag with an ‘algorithm’ that loves them one month but hates them another. So I’m here to just say: “Take the damn break and stop making yourself stressy.”

I have (but of course) two people in my life now and I keep them in my life because of (friendship yes, that is about 78% of it...) the fact that they make great writing points for when I want to make posts like these.

Friend A:

I’d even consider my bestie, and I don’t throw that word around to just anyone. Genuinely I adore her and she worries me. Always trying to catch up with algorithms and as well as put content up as quickly and as many as possible. To where seeing content from this person isn’t enjoyable and satisfying. It’s machine-like. Whenever I am not myself, I don’t draw. Because I can’t draw; my first thought when trying to draw is how to create content that has visual satisfaction that makes it worth the wait when I do make work. This is something where every time I am not myself, she stresses that I need to make work: It’ll make me feel better, low-key feed the algorithm so that way I don’t lose “followers”. But because I allow myself to identify as more than just “artist” and all its stereotypes, I enjoy my breaks and come back with more filling pieces and content to share with others. Whereas, because not only has she made artist her identity, she’s made it be a big chunk of her income as well.

Takeaway:

You can’t just identify as “artist” my friends. Whether that be writing, essayist, sculptor, editor, filmmaker, etc. It’s ok to be more! The only time that is allowed is when your mother is talking to “her little friends” and she explains it this way because this is her telling her ‘normal’ group what you do.

Imagine being at a networking convention where they ask “So tell me about yourself,” and all you can say is “I’m an artist”. You will get looks. Everyone in that room is buddy, it’s our work. I asked, “tell me about YOURSELF.” Not your role, but if you love books; love traveling to see new environments; a burger joint hunter extraordinaire; self-proclaimed film critic; hobbyist musician; podcast fanatic; something. We all understand that drawing is what you love, but it isn’t 100% your identity and it’s ok if the only other thing you enjoy is music. Take a couple days off and listen to non-stop music then. It’s very exhausting to see artists not allow themselves to take a step back, and just enjoy themselves. The capitalist environment has caused us to not allow ourselves simple self-indulging hobbies. And I mean REAL hobbies. It sucks, but we as people need to understand that real hobbies are very mundane in today's society. It’s ok to not make money off a hobby, guys.

If I had the gall, I would tell said friend to take a week off of just drawing and remember a time where she wasn’t just “mom and artist”. What else besides what I can see on a profile is “you”? But I’ll save that convo for another day.

Friend B:

Annoys me to no end a good 48% of the time. (Yes, I pretty much have it calculated.) Not the best person to be around when it comes to certain topics, I keep them around mainly to keep my rhetoric sharp about my viewpoints and to always see and try to understand someone else's viewpoints. Because her’s aren’t as dangerous and are a lot of “agree to disagree”, I keep this one around. I visited them for the first time in a while and we had a pretty good time playing some tabletop games and roleplaying with others in a group. This time of year is “apply to go to this convention and wait on the invoice”. (I am so damn broke y’all. Help ya girl) I mentioned the invoices I had coming in and asked if they had applied to table at the convention I dragged her into last year. (In short: I talked my friends into being in artist alley last year and it didn’t go as well for them and it made me feel guilty. I thought they would have a similar spirit to me and just say “I’ll try again next year” but only one friend has somewhat kept that grind. The other I’m mentioning now, not so much.)

So I ask her about if she applied and was going to try again since I know when last we talked she had MANY prints leftover and I got the very simple firm ‘No,”. It took me off balance but to somewhat quote what she told me:

“That convention actually broke me; I haven’t drawn since. I took a long break and I’ve just been enjoying content myself instead of just cranking out some. Maybe I’ll get back to it soon, but I’ve taken a pretty long break.”

My initial reaction, of course, was pretty predictable; wide eye, I repeated words she said but more dramatically, and just respected that she needed the break. But then afterward (like ten minutes because thankfully my brain can work fast sometimes) I thought more on it: That took some real balls. Seriously. To allow yourself MONTHS (this convention was in JULY last year) of a break, enjoyment, and finding yourself to allow yourself to make content later was pretty impressive. It really does take a leap of faith to step away from income and something you enjoy to get back to knowing yourself and what you enjoy (or finding yourself and finding things you enjoy). She wrote a post about saying sorry and promising to her audience base about returning; I didn’t read it because I know when she does return it’ll be quality content.

She’s a DnD brainwasher, video game consumer, graphic novel enthusiast, feminist, and as well as an illustrator & animator. THAT I can say about her without her just identifying as one.

Takeaway:

I’m not saying take a 6-month vacation unless you want to: That’s still in my mind wild lol. But if you need a month or months off trust your mind, body, and endurance that you need the break. My break is usually the time between after my birthday (November 15th) and New Years'. After (usually) doing a long Inktober month and finishing out the last ideas I have, I like to intake content I’ve seen all year round. I read, listen to music, explore my city a bit more, hang out with friends. My art usually reflects what is going on in my life and if I don’t have a life what can I draw besides “posing people” and maybe a background? That kind of content is empty in my opinion and I hope to never be my art.

Please please please, do not try and put yourself in a burnout situation because all you will do in the end is stress yourself out and pave the way for hating what you love doing. It’s not a fun ride at all. Take time to yourself for yourself and maybe catch up with what you have missed outside your studio/room.

[[TRD: People are once again following some WILD trend that burnout culture is healthy and I am here to say stop it. They also must worship Instagram and or Facebook algorithm gods because they swear that constantly feeding it will make them viral afterward. It may happen, but is it rare. Please find time to yourself and the things you enjoy because when you are happy and enjoying yourself it reflects in your art and when you don’t well...]]

#burn out #algorithms #artist #breaks #pensurfing

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