THE PIMPIFICATION OF JUNG WOOYOUNG

What about Terry and Mike in the OT3? are they a thing to or do they only agree to share Daniel?

My boy always gets sidelined, and this dynamic gets ignored even more than Labarnes, which is also criminally underrated. I get it, cause Mike and Terry spent most of their screentime separately and with Daniel, in kk3 and ck s5, and so we really don’t have much to go on, unfortunately. But I’m gonna go full meta on this, even if I sound delulu.

So look, Terry says "perfect" like 4 times? And it’s always in reference to Mike. He’s just like me fr.

Mike is sort of the Johnny to Terry’s Kreese, in a sense? I say this loosely because there’s a sort of fatherly attachment in that dynamic that isn’t present here. Kreese trained Johnny, and so he sort of molded him and contributed to Johnny’s success as a two-time avt champ. Mike came to Terry already a national champion, and going by his reputation as "Karate’s Bad Boy", whoever trained him was either giving him the Cobra Kai kool-aid on steroids, or Mike was just that fucked up naturally lol. And Mike really is perfect because Terry doesn’t need to put any time or effort into him. Mike is just another financial investment, and Terry loves throwing his money around. And Mike even negotiates with him like a boss. He walked in there, not batting an eye at Terry being butt ass naked in a tub, and really said "50% or I walk" and Terry was just like "bet." AND Mike says he wants that shit in writing, and Terry draws up a whole contract with a real lawyer?? Promising 50% of Cobra Kai to this kid??? Mike is honestly so iconic. I said this before, but Mike was pretty much poised to become the face of Cobra Kai. He was supposed to be their champion and their saving grace. They were going to open dojos all over the valley when not if he won. Half of which he’d legally own. So he was basically inheriting Terry’s legacy as well.

was this really necessary sir

and this

Granted, Terry has a personal space issue with like everyone, apparently, but still, grabbing his hair? It’s not even like Mike has long hair for him to grab in the first place. And I don’t think you have to practically spit in his mouth to pretend threaten him.💀

literally, why are they standing this way

just look at the way Daniel and Kreese look at him😭

It’s giving

And then in s5, Terry burned down Mike’s store, and of course everyone links that to his jealousy over Daniel. But that store was Mike’s father-in-law’s store. So yeah it affected Mike, but it obviously affected his wife much worse lbr. And what did this lead to? Supposedly, Mike’s wife leaving him. So he basically ruined Mike’s marriage the same way he tried to do with Daniel and Amanda. 👀

And okay idc if this is a reach but Mike being on something even "stronger" than alcohol...While Terry confirmed he was on crack back in the 80s.......Remember Daniel's "your ponytailed pimp" line.

And when he mocks Johnny for being dumb and "attacking me on my own turf" which technically was Mike’s idea, BUT earlier he also said, "Uh oh, fellas, I don’t think this is gonna turn out like you thought it would." only AFTER Mike got knocked out. Because even though they would have still been outnumbered with Mike in the fight, he knew none of his little foot fist ninjas were going to stand a chance against Mike. So Mike is taken out of the fight and just like tossed in another room, which puts him conveniently out of harm's way. It’s not like he was locked in or whatever so I don’t think the major concern here was keeping him from waking up and rejoining the fight.

And btw, Mike’s plan was what ended up saving the day, cause Terry arrived too late to the dojo and was in no condition to fight Daniel. King Shit.💅

Then Terry leaves Chozen for dead in his pool and tells the senseis to pull an mk fatality on Johnny. And Mike? Just let him sleep it off. <33

like hello??

Terry knew what he was doing. He wanted Mike back by his side on a pretty leash and Daniel on his knees for him.

The Velocipastor

Premise according to IMDB: After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.

Premise according to us: Every so often, in an otherwise ordinary life, a movie comes along that is so visionary, so transformative and so ahead of its time that your life is never quite the same afterwards. It probably goes without saying that this is not that film. But damned if we didn’t enjoy the heck out of it anyway.

Wow, that’s high praise there. Honestly, coming across this gem after some of the dross we’ve sat through of late was like going to sleep beside the Trumpster (you nestled in your comfy bed, him prostate and unblinking in his cryovac chamber) and waking up to see a shirtless Justin Trudeau standing over you holding a breakfast tray piled high with croissants and a huge bowl of Nutella.

Mmmm, Nutella. That’s so good smeared across croissants! Right... yes... croissants. Because that would definitely not be the only place we would be smearing Nutella in this scenario. But moving right along…

Ah yes, back to The Velocipastor. Now, where were we? Well, I was about to share my general rule of thumb about this kind of movie. Which is that if the words ‘WTF’ come out of my mouth within the first five minutes, followed by vigorous thrashing of the rewind button, then we’re onto a winner. And these guys managed it with the below shot. *cue supermassive spoiler alert*

You see, during the film’s first few minutes or so, a horrific car bomb kills the family of the film’s hero priest right before his very eyes. But instead of a glorious explosion of sound, violence, body parts and middle aged parental polyester across the big screen, the director merely added a descriptive tile in a font I think came standard with Windows Office 98. I mean, have you ever seen a more excellent manifestation of having no budget than this?

Wait, so there was no explosion, no body parts and no gore...  and that’s a good thing? YES! A very good thing. Because it shows they get the essence of B-grade monster movie making, which is that the budget may be small, but the tongue-in-cheek ideas don’t have to be. Talk about happy days!

Still, exploding parents is a pretty awful thing to happen to someone so young, right? Totally. But luckily our hero priest Fr Doug has the wise words of mentor Fr Stuart to ponder as he mourns his loss while sipping - nay sculling - the blood of Jesus Christ in a way we’re fairly certain the Vatican would not be keen on. “Your parents died Doug. That’s what parents do. They die on you.” Dibs putting that on a commemorative T-shirt.

So how exactly does a shattered soul such as Doug then rebuild from there? Well it’s simple. You go to the place where, in the words of Fr Stu, “you think God will not follow.” In this case, China*. And we know it’s China because, despite its resemblance to an everyday tract of north American wilderness, we are offered a few subtle clues. Namely the word ‘China’ appearing on screen in massive type and the sudden arrival of a warrior chick in a white martial arts suit and a vaguely racist bamboo peasant hat. Mind you, we don’t get too much of a look at her since she’s busy copping an arrow straight through the chest from a random ninja in the forest. Then comes the indignity of spending her final moments with our hero priest, who takes one look at the gushing bloody wound and arrowhead embedded prominently in her torso and reaches for the obvious question only a man anyone would ask in the circumstances: “Are you hurt?” Honestly, in her shoes, we would have passed him the cursed dinosaur tooth of the Dragon Warrior too.  *note this film predates the arrival of the coronavirus.

By the way, just rewinding matters for a second, I couldn’t help but notice that Doug somehow managed to drive to China ... from the US: Yes, we clocked that too. But rather than get bogged down in logical exploration, let’s just assume Sarah Palin was the film’s geography consultant and move on.

OK, done. Next minute, we’re suddenly back in the US, where Doug is having some bad dreams and feeling hungry* and a prostitute called Carol is being roughed up by her pimp Frankie Mermaid, whose subtle moniker refers to the fact he’s “swimming in bitches”. Frankie old mate, you are so going to die. But not, apparently, before sending Carol out into a dark forest to drum up some business. *if you get what we mean

Wait, is that really where hookers hang out these days? #askingforafriend Well not if they want to make any money, no. But hey, no sacrifice is too great in the pursuit of #plotdevelopment. And just as we type that here it comes, in the form of an armed offender keen to separate Carol from her cash. If only there was someone, anyone, who could just randomly stumble into the forest and rescue our damsel in distress. Oh wait. Is that Fr Doug? Boy, he looks kind of hungry* *if you get what we mean

Next minute: It’s the next morning and a surprisingly buff Fr Doug is in the hooker’s bed. But not like *that*. Because she just wants to chat. Or at least to engage in some very unsophisticated single entendres about how “last night was amazing” even though “it all happened so quickly”. Fortunately her blow by blow* account sets Doug’s mind at ease, except for the bit where he turned into a dinosaur and ate someone. Which he does not believe. Because, and say it with me here religious zealots, “Dinosaurs never existed.” * Wash your mind out with soap - this is a common expression, not a sexual euphenism... yet.

Of course they didn’t. Well I assume she eventually convinces him he’s part velociraptor and that they should use his powers to rid the world of evil. But we don’t want to give away the rest of the movie do we? No, we most certainly do not want to spoil the sure-to-be-hugely-unexpected plot twists of a movie called The Velocipastor. And honestly, half the fun is in the surprises. So instead, let’s just share a few of the queries we asked each other along the way: * Did that guy really just say he’s going to survive the Vietnam War without taking a single hit? I mean, has he ever seen a war movie? * Really? You bought nunchakus to a fight with ninjas? Really? * Wait, does that exorcist have goblin ears?  * Are they honestly going to boink for the first time under a chenille duvet?  * No, I mean seriously, under a chenille duvet????

Wait, if our hero is a priest, then who is the prostitute boinking? Sorry, can’t answer that. But *cough* The Thorn Birds *cough*.

Well at least tell us Frankie Mermaid bites it bad: Again, mum’s the word. But let’s just say confession isn’t always good for the soul, especially when you may or may not be confessing to a certain earlier car bomb murder.

Intriguing. Well to something you can tell us, did the film get good reviews? To answer this let’s turn to our beloved critics over at the IMDB: “This movie cured my cancer and my acne, my asthma is gone and I don't need my glasses anymore.” Nuff said. Final verdict? Yep! And that’s without even mentioning the best ninjas versus dinosaur fight scene EVER committed to film. EVER. Which I really wanted to film and post here but #respectforcopyright.

Vanilla vodkas needed to sit through it (out of 10): None. And that would be true even if we hadn’t just drunk our own body weight in sugar-free soft drink.

Ali & Tommy

Ali: yo yo yo Ali: i'm back to civilization, using the term loosely there but Ali: what i miss Tommy: hey girl hey Tommy: oh you know several family feuds Tommy: standard Ali: oh the joys Ali: reckon i'm right on time for the next one Ali: soz I didn't have signal, what you want me to do lads Tommy: reckon you have a fair point Tommy: and solid excuse Tommy: if I had someone to do, my phone would be off too, like Ali: i've made the case for not spoiling the areas natural beauty with phone masts but appaz 'not the fucking point' Ali: no chance of getting away with that, city boy Ali: gutted x2 Ali: should be jelly though 'cos 😍 Tommy: Oh honey I am Tommy: Sickeningly so Tommy: much like your socials of late Ali: Haha piss off Ali: its the honeymoon phase Ali: and you can't act like you'd rather witness the death rattle of my last playing out like Tommy: Well yeah, never a more legit word spoken Tommy: Poor Marls Tommy: Bet she took to the heartbreak like a duck to water though Tommy: as for you and Carls, you've been in that phase for bloody ages Ali: I know, I'm evil Ali: not her first, or last, which says it all Ali: Not even Ali: anyway, gotta milk it, you'll see when you're being gross yourself Tommy: Not evil just scandalous Tommy: We've all had our heads turned by the straights Tommy: Can't pretend I'm not thrilled that you got kissed instead of your head kicked in, love that you got lucky there Tommy: Yeah even, you too been circling and flirting since the dawn of summer if not time Tommy: I think not. I'm nothing but fab in all things Ali: More Marilyn than Hitler Ali: one for the bio, thanks Ali: Ha, laughable, no one is immune to my charms also I do the kicking so Ali: coming up roses forever baby bro Ali: Exactly 😏 gonna be vomit-inducing 'cos you're gonna be thinking yours is the greatest love story ever told 🙄😉 Tommy: stick it on your tinder when the honeymoon's over kid Tommy: welcome welcome Tommy: And Marls thought she was so tough. Not immune to a curb stomp were you, babe Tommy: roses are cliche as hell so agreed Tommy: could be, sister, could just be Tommy: surrounded by sapphic role models in you and your boo Ali: could do it now Ali: sooooooo modern like that, darling Ali: omg shut up 😞 didn't mean to and not funny Ali: psh, as if you wouldn't be buzzing your tits off if someone got you roses Ali: umm not telling you you're doing this whole 'gay' thing wrong but you know the girl ones aren't for you, yeah? 😂 Tommy: yeah but will ya or are you too 😍 Tommy: real question is, has Carls taken to her new status like a duck to water or more like water off a duck's arse Tommy: calm down dear I won't mention the ex again, scout's honor Tommy: atm my tits would be pleased if anyone looked their way at all but we ain't on my sob story, here for your love Tommy: 😂 well now it makes sense Ali: only just got back, like Ali: can deffo take a day of recuperation Ali: not asked tbf Ali: i don't need a label on her or what we're doing Ali: poor baby 😥 Ali: wish you'd let me look at your profiles, pimp em up pimp you out Tommy: but she's still 😍 too, yeah? Tommy: not scared her off like Tommy: Oi! Take your own advice and take a day off Tommy: You can come when I hit the town if you're wanting to wingwoman that bad Ali: Oi yourself! Ali: Scared her off indeed Ali: trusted me enough to go into the wilderness alone like Ali: duh Ali: not even a question Ali: though really need to find you a lad there as well Ali: but you can have a hometown holiday romance, special enough for ya snowflake? Tommy: Probs just wanted to stretch. Caravans are well cramped Tommy: Piss off Tommy: You just don't want me third wheeling you and your girl 'cause you reckon I'll make it awks when she finds me more fun to dance with than you Tommy: Gotta take her and get her initiated though 🌈 Ali: yeah a 2 man tents well better Ali: melt 🖕 Ali: oh you gonna steal my girl? okay 😂 Tommy: You trying to say you didn't look at the stars? Get to fuck you lying scrag 😂 Tommy: Could do, she is cute Ali: Am I that predictable? Sigh Ali: Might be modern but draw the line at family 3way Ali: if anything, a step back Tommy: You ain't invited, honey Tommy: Full offense Ali: Finders keepers I saw her first bitch Tommy: Only 'cause I was miles away Tommy: play fair you dirty bisexual Ali: When you get a mans Imma call bagsy then Ali: wanna talk fair Tommy: we'll both be in wheelchairs minus our own teeth by then so I'll race ya Ali: 😏 oh hush Ali: secretly getting all the d and keeping it dl Tommy: 😂 Tommy: I wish Ali: 👀 Tommy: You filthy perv Ali: how did you know Tommy: Carls told us Tommy: we're that close now like Ali: well, that's a stop coming onto me if I've ever heard one 😂 good one, babe Tommy: 😂 Tommy: Get a lot of that, does she? awks Ali: You said yourself, she cute Tommy: Gotta do some kicking, kitten. Have you learned nothing from your previous? Tommy: 🥊 Ali: how not to keep a woman? Ali: harsh but Tommy: legit Tommy: fuckboy free inbox though Ali: yeah Ali: got their uses though, ain't they Ali: don't be too picky like Tommy: Not for me but you do you, darling Ali: 🤷 Tommy: with your luck they'd fall for you anyway tbf Ali: Like you don't remember having to hold Ma back Ali: weren't that long ago Tommy: Blocked that shit way out Ali: those were the days tho Ali: but fine, won't invite ronan to the gay club Ali: imagine Tommy: For you. Aged ma + 25 Tommy: poor bitch Tommy: Probs had to get her roots done Tommy: Which one was he again? The curly haired gypsy Ali: s'alright, marlene still fancied her and carly also said she would Ali: not doing bad old girl Ali: one of Ali: first and worst, some would say Tommy: OMHG REALLY Tommy: get it ma Tommy: oh that cunt Tommy: hit it Celine 'cause it's all coming back to me now Ali: yeah Ali: smug bitch Ali: no one in this family can keep it to themselves, apparently Ali: 😂 mhmm Ali: lives where Carly does, and was kinda her boyf when I met her Ali: official, like Tommy: reckon I'll steal your girls it's that saucy mare you gotta watch Tommy: Disgusting Tommy: You two fucking by association before you got near Tommy: That's some funny shit Ali: Real talk Ali: someone warn Da Ali: not me 'cos awks when I'm fuming at her for running off with my woman Ali: oh honey you don't even know Ali: we have a list Tommy: On it Tommy: Love getting shot in the face myself so I'm well keen to twirl past with that message Tommy: 😂 Tommy: How long a list we talking? Ali: Interpretive dance it out for him Ali: the most vague form of communication Ali: You actually wanna know or? Tommy: I'll get workshopping rn 'cause ma ain't go no chill Tommy: she won't wait and we know it Tommy: You tell me, sister, do I or not Ali: She's a busy woman Ali: if Rock didn't look so much like Da's side I'd question it frankly Ali: You know how I roll, scandalous from the womb to the tomb baby Tommy: When the adoption jokes ain't just craic Tommy: ooops Tommy: that's why we're the irish twins 'cause same girl same Ali: She's got some nerve, us all out here raising the devil child Ali: give him to his real daddy the inn is full bitch Tommy: 😂 Tommy: puts him in the postie's bag like back you go lad Tommy: he's kinda fit bet ma would Ali: oh babe Ali: hate to bring this bad news to you but he left Ali: probs got a modelling contract, eh 😏 Tommy: 💔 Tommy: pissed on my parade proper there Ali: i am so soz Ali: maybe i traumatized him Ali: okay you can get with carly once but that's it, then we're even Tommy: Not gonna ask what you let him see Tommy: between you and JC every sunday Tommy: 🎉 Yes Ali: knock on my door son, gonna get what i give you Tommy: 👏 Ali: idc if you're just trying to bring the bills, SIR Ali: we don't want 'em Ali: liverpool days got us all forever scarred Tommy: Too real to deal Ali: when you back fr though Tommy: Patience 🦗 Tommy: I got scholarship stresses Ali: must suck being talented enough for one, like 😉 Tommy: Says the genius Tommy: what's your IQ again? Ali: check the tinder lad Ali: put that on there too, how i get all the ladies Tommy: 😂