Willow & Amity's subplot may involve Hunter; who in question will not only serve as the objective mission of an ol' fashion search & rescue, but he'll also be the initial topic of discussion in which brings up the untested waters of Willow and Amity's current relationship where the latter will bicker with the bespectacled girl over why they're helping someone who threatened Luz's safety back in Eclipse Lake, to which is met by foreign hostility from Willow who curtly responds in kind.

Willow and Amity arguing over Mr White Boy Wednesday

Im honestly shocked by the not me gang dynamics. Like you’d probably assume since they want to change the world and serve whats write that would AT LEAST love each others as you know friends! But they don’t! They have what feels like a strict business relationship, like we’re just doing this together because we all kinda have the same goal. They dont give two shits about each other!

Whats even more confusing is the relationship between black and sean. Okay like we get it, black was basically a horrible person to everyone since literally all his friends and even his gf go on and on about what he did to them. But theres something extremely confusing about black and sean..

So bear with me.. blacks betrayal literally formed his relationship with sean. Sean cant trust black, doesnt believe he would do anything for him, or care about him. He found it absolutely insane that he did sth as small as give him water when they were gassed. Sean hates the fact that black had a very luxurious upbringing while hes gone through a kind of a rough childhood without a mother and with his dad being wrongly killed and growing up poor. So sean doesnt trust black, hates black for everything he is BUT WOULD THROW HIMSELF IN GLAZING FIRE TO SAVE HIS LIFE WHEN HE KNOWS SO GODDAMN WELL THAT BLACK WOULDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THE SAME FOR HIM? And then he got kinda jealous when gram was bandaging blacks wound? Why?!!! You hate his gut?? Why care that much when you know that black doesnt care about you? And he caught on black being weird VERY quickly with just how he flinched when sean tried to punch him outside his room. Literally took him 1 second? And then for the entire episode he literally cover for blacks ass and even took the lead for the mission

Now, we all know that black and sean dont like each other. Then why the fuck did black choose to do their last mission on tawi? It was mentioned in the last episode that he got to choose their last mission and planned it all. Then why tawi? Was that for sean? Why is he specifically targeting tawi? To go as far to plan to set his home on fire?

White aside, sean and blacks relationship is very confusing, i just dont get their dynamic!! Were they friends? Did sean kinda like black? What’s going

Anon this ask had me so confused I had to gather opinions on these topics bc I wasn't seeing what you're seeing; and the conclusion I've reached is that you're misreading the situation.

See, White is an unreliable narrator with really bad/biased info. The way he interprets the gang is not how they actually are. Additionally, Black has strained relationships with Sean and Yok so ofc their interactions are tainted by that mutual animosity. None of that means they don't care about each other bc they very much do. You don't get into this type of vigilantism unless you really care about people.

The group don't have a very traditional friendship, I agree, they're in separate departments and have very different schedules and individual responsibilities outside of the gang, so it's only natural we don't really see them hang out outside of the garage. But if you look at their interactions outside of the ones with "Black" you'll see that despite their agressive fronts they're all quite playful with each other. There's also the fact that both Sean and Black have a very cold and aloof front that they put up most of the time, which makes them seem a lot more uncaring. Also, Black is just selfish most of the time, he puts his own survival over others for the most part so ofc people around him aren't going to be all that nice to him.

As for Sean and Black's relationship, it probably seems so confusing bc you're trying to oversimplify a very complex and layered dynamic. I've talked about their dynamic a lot on here but let me go over it again so I can help you understand a bit better. Sean and Black present really interesting parallels within the narrative because they come from drastically different backgrounds but have ended up growing into two very similar people. They're both driven by righteous rage against the elite ruling class and have bonded over their need to take those people down. But their similarities also lead to conflict, bc they're both too angry, too stubborn, too petty to bend or compromise for the other. They both have a need for control which is another thing that causes friction between them. Black abandoning Sean on that first mission makes it impossible for Sean to ever trust Black. Sean's continued insistence that Black should have risked himself to help him likely enrages Black. They're destined to not get along. But that doesn't mean they're going to let their enmity get in the way of their cause. The mission is more important than their personal feelings for each other and, at the end of the day, their respective passion for their fight is what keeps them from denouncing their relationship all together. At the end of the day, they need each other if they want to make this work.

Their similarities and animosity also makes Sean best suited to see through White's act. White doesn't have Black's passion, his intensity, but most importantly he doesn't have Black's anger and hatred. He's used to his interactions with Black being charged with animosity, when he doesn't get that around White it confuses him. In their very first meeting, for example, he sees his frenemy trying to sneak into his room, clearly up to no good, and throws a punch. The normal Black would have responded in kind, White quivers in fear. Sean has never seen Black fear anything and so to see him fear Sean? Someone he could easily take in a fight, whom he constantly looks down on? That can't not have warning bells going off in his head. White goes around acting calm, non threatening, and even laughs and smiles around Sean. That cannot be normal for Black. So of course Sean notices he's acting weird and decides to keep an eye on him. Ofc he takes charge of the plan bc he doesn't trust Black to not fuck it up when he's acting so weird and goes after White and fixes every mess he sees him create because the mission is what matters the most. Like hell Sean would ever let Black ruin his shot at striking at Tawi.

Moving on to why Sean saved White, it's because he's a good person. I don't know why that would be confusing to anyone. The gang are all good people who are doing this to help others, none of them would ever let their actions hurt someone. Their personal feelings don't get in the way here at all. All three of them ran into that house, zero hesitation, to help White and Dan because they're good people who wouldn't stand around and watch someone get killed. It's just not who they are. No one should need to have romantic feelings for a person to save their life, but especially not characters who are the Good Guys within the narrative. If Sean's actions were driven by his feelings for Black that would go against what this show is trying to say- that it is our responsibility to care. Unconditionally. As for the scene where Sean cries, you're again trying to oversimplify the situation. Sean has just had a really bad day bc of White fucking up the mission, he's scared and angry and frustrated by the way the night has gone. And then Black, the one person who is supposed to be as passionate about their cause as he is, goes and shits all over what Sean and Co. saw as a very heroic act. I talked about this in detail here and a little more here so you can check those posts out if you want a more detailed explanation. The bottom line is, he cries not bc he's jealous but because he's frustrated and White just made him doubt his cause, the one thing that keeps him going. Sean has a need to be seen as good, someone like Black who already brings up so many negative emotions for Sean making him feel like he's a bad guy for doing what he did is bound to make him emotional.

Finally! The Tawi thing. That's one thing I agree brings up a lot of questions that none of us really have answers to. I think that Black also has some connection to Tawi and we're just not seeing it yet bc White doesn't know shit. Another possible explanation could be that Black chose that mission because he knew Sean wanted to do it and it was the best way to steal the lead from Sean. Because lbr Black is just enough of a petty asshole to do that. We will just have to wait for it to be explained in the show for now, since we don't have any real clues to figure it out right now.

I'm new to the fandom, but haven't gotten the chance to watch the show yet. Bit weird I know. I've been spoilered for bits and pieces and read some fanfic. Why is so much of the fandom silverflint when flinthamilton is there and so beautiful? I don't want to watch the show and become confused between the ships (lol). Thoughts?

OH BABE. WATCH THE SHOW - JOIN ME IN MY HELL HOLE.

Since you said you've been spoiled a bit, this does contain some spoilers for the show. Nothing major, but I dont think theres a way to talk about this otherwise. ❤

OKAY. I'm gonna say this as politically as possible, lmao, since there is...a healthy dose of animosity between people who ship silverflint and people who don't - mainly because the interpretations of John Silver's character are so varied.

For the record, enemies to lovers is my least favorite shipping trope, and silverflint is probably the biggest notp I've ever had. Edit: And Flinthamilton hits my absolutely favorite shipping trope, which is friends to lovers. We state our personal biases out front like REAL scientists of literature, lmao.  That said I have a bunch of mutuals who ship it and I try my darndest to uhhhh at least support them in that to the extent I'm able.

So, imo, the biggest reason silverflint is so popular is that they're the two characters with the most screentime together. Silver and Flint are on screen together in some capacity in just about every episode from the first to the last, and their plotlines and character developments are deeply intertwined. No matter what their actual relationship was, no matter if they were canon or if there were any actual romantic feelings between them, they were bound to be a big ship, especially since one of them is canonically attracted to men. Conversely, Thomas only has about 40 minutes of screentime in the entire series and it is all in flashback from before the series begins. Now of course he also has a lot of what I'll call 'off-screen callbacks' - James' entire character arc depends on his love and belief in Thomas' ideals - but he and James only interact for a very brief period of time and we really dont get a whole lot about Thomas himself.

There are reasons people ship both, and reasons people might be drawn to silverflint over flintham which all comes down to personal preference, but I really do think the biggest reason is their screentime disparity.

That said...even though Silverflint isn't canon, and Flintham IS the show's endgame, that doesnt make one more valid than the other as a ship because that's categorically not what fandom is about. I don't think there's a confusion to be had there, because there's no such thing as 'this is the right ship and this is the wrong one.' I have ships I doggedly sail that aren't canon and that for some are their notps. And I would quite literally fight to the death over them given half a chance. That's fandom!!

I will say that the reason silverflint is my notp is because I personally feel like the relationship becomes incredibly unhealthy when you put a romantic spin on it - but for some people that's the attraction! Or they don't have the same set of personal experiences I have that lead me to those conclusions! Just as a lot of people have experiences that sour them to him, John Silver is a very personal and relatable character to a lot of people. And honestly, if that's true why wouldn't they want to have him get with James Flint who is not only very beautiful but also technically perfect in every way and has never done anything wrong in his life, ever?

And that's okay! Again it's fandom! Everybody is right! You get validation! And you get validation! Everybody gets validation!!

(Lmao that's wrong - there are some people who are wrong but they're mostly wrong because they try to insist their views are the only corect ones.)

Idk what to tell you. Do I personally wish there was more flintham and less silverflint? For sure, lol. But that's because, let's be real - there was ABSOLUTELY NO WORLD where I wasn't going to be a rabid flintham shipper, and also absolutely no world in which I was going to like John Silver as a character enough to want him near my kin, my sun, my only light, my absolute unit of a child James Flint-McGraw-Hamilton any longer than absolutely necessary. I'm aware of my bias. I stand by it, but I am aware of it, lol. BUT HERE'S THE GREAT THING ANON IF YOU JOIN ME IN SHIPPER HELL WE CAN FIX THAT. BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE!!

My biggest advice is that, at its heart Black Sails is a show about stories and the personal bias inherent in them. Keep your mind open, and try not to let fandom influence your personal feelings towards what you find enjoyable. (Even me. If you end up shipping silverflint, I promise I will try very hard not to take offense lmao). Oh, and don't expect a happy ending for anyone. Black Sails is a tragedy, and in true tragedy form there are no happy endings for anyone except the british empire.

For the most part this is a great fandom and Black Sails itself is a show that I think everyone should watch - even if they aren't in it for the ships. While I have some major problems with it(particularly its treatment of its female characters) it's also hands down the best show I've ever seen in a lot of ways. It is full of not just the most pure and perfect mlm ship in Flintham but ALSO some great canon wlw ships, a dumb himbo who ruins everything, lots of POC - specifically a large number of really excellently portrayed black characters - and just...absolutely phenomenal writing. And it says gay rights with its fucking chest. And it contains the most heartbreakingly real portrayal of why revolutions fail and whose stories get told that like. I've ever, ever seen. I still cry when I think too hard about it please don't look at me.

ANYWAY LONG STORY SHORT WATCH BLACK SAILS. (James&Thomas 4eva)

(And, to that end uhhhh, here's some timestamps for violence against women in the first season. I've been meaning to add on for the other seasons but just haven't had time.)

what is the rough timeline of natasha and charlie relationship? i love your fics and how its like little peeks into the development of it all and how it doesnt rely on them being together ll the time its lovely

HM HM HM okay let’s see... like i guess the thing is that ultimately is written for charlie and what i’ve done for natasha is being their own person is rly integral to them? like charlie grew up in a house where at any period of time, nine ppl were living under the same roof? like he didn’t have much time to himself that he literally upped and moved to romania lmfao. and natasha like, one day i’ll remember to post her family tree, but she’s in the same boat in a way, especially when her family moves from america full time. then she’s suddenly thrown into a household with all her extended family. they need to be their own people first, and i mean that independence does hurt communication and the needs of not just themselves but others as well and i guess that’s why i wrote the long walk for their relationship to finally find that point where they were like. yes. where their lines finally crossed over and stayed crossed over, instead of simply running parallel and sometimes moving in but barely touching?

this got long so under the cut

they do meet in first yr bc the game is LYING that such a SMALL CLASS POST-VOLDY wouldnt exist like a literal baby boom happens post voldy dying but the current kids around would honestly be rly small groups? hogwarts would be so EMPTY REAL TALK everyone also afraid to let their kids go to school

natasha asks for slytherin, should've been ravenclaw. much distress, and first yr in between running around with the vault of ice kind of finds her spending a lot of time in the towers and stuff. she likes high places. 

this gonna sound bad but i dont rly remember much of the 1st yr of hphm apart from not sealing the vault properly, but anyway natasha and charlie were friends anyway that mattered and natasha wasn't a very good slytherin for befriending a gryffindor AND a weasley

second yr is kind of the time where she meets bill and like on the one hand is a little infatuated with him but they are rly good friends at the end of the day. she pulls away from charlie a bit bc of it but then again i figure around this stage charlie has started his crusade of entering the forest in some respects so like. he’s not even on the grounds half the time lbr. also, i dont remember much of this yr either a lot happened. but the ice knight was there.

third yr aka vault of fear! again, with the bs, i think natasha knew of everyone PRIOR to their intros and stuff so they’re all kind of good friends but ig this is also just my thing of like. small classes post war. even with the attempt at animosity between houses, especially post war, kids probably aren't going to do. that. and i know slytherin is all death eater kids basically but most of them are probably orphaned too by the end of the war. theyre all scared ANYWAY social circle expanding... idk this yr was a ride too i remember it a little bit more than the others ig. idk what happened here rly

OKAY SO FOURTH YEAR RIGHT that’s when it’s literally a year of dating charlie in game but whatever. so going from literally spending only classes together and maybe like the one christmas if bill and charlie stayed in the castle at the same time, natasha and charlie did talk and were friends but it was on the down low towards the end of third yr. until it wasn’t bc literally all the scheming to get into the forest and mr charlie ‘i asked my brother a million questions about you over the summer’ weasley just rolling up. and theyre in each others spaces A Lot which is kind of wild for the both of them considering they’re both from large families and personal space is A Thing™ they both really need but their friendship really deepens this year. they’re very honest with each other, and whilst bill is natasha’s best friend just because of how they click, her and charlie have this understanding between them that it’s hard to get between.

except fifth yr comes along and smacks everyone in the face. natasha finds out what puberty is over the summer, along with a prefect badge. charlie also has a bit of a growth spurt around this time, so they’re awkward and lanky around each other early on. natasha also dates myron wagtail during her fifth yr, as well as esther szohr and a couple of other ppl here and there. she’s all giggly and twirling hair and I'm so sorry charlie she just hasn’t noticed you at this stage. but it’s not rly a good year for her, mentally all around, so don’t feel too bad ig.

sixth yr she’s getting tired(er) and lightly dates other people as well. broke up with myron over the summer, and like. has started to see charlie in another light, kind of? but at the risk of ruining her friendship, madly writes to bill most of the time about ‘how do i get your brother to notice me????’ because communication is key and natasha doesn’t actually know what it is. she’s also named captain of slytherin quidditch team this yr, and well. ends up spending a ridiculous amount of time closer to charlie’s second great love. sees another side of him. swoons in the stands a lot. they kind of reignite their friendship as well, as it just politely simmered in the back. teach other spells. lots of touching with hands like no no wave like this... it’s very romantic and high strung and they’re dumb teenagers not sure what to do.

they mess it up over the summer between sixth and seventh yr tho. lots of kissing. some other stuff. natasha spends a bit of time with the weaselys before returning to hogwarts. hormones everywhere.

seventh year starts with them kind of tiptoeing around not knowing where they stand relationship wise, and they’re not!! good!! at talking!! so it’s like a big drawn out game of whispers to figure out who said what but it breaks off bad and natasha cries a lot and charlie feels awful too and they’re mopey and shit for a while. like they can’t be in each other’s spaces for a while that they kind of completely withdraw to their own houses sort of thing. eventually, with a few helpful nudges and stuff, they at least talk to each other but don’t know if the friendship is there. 99% sure penny was ready to amortentia the both of them to ‘fix things’ and also just to prove she could do it. also probably didnt help that barnaby and a few other slytherins jumped charlie and quidditch team as 1) for natasha but also 2) for quidditch and that also really prompts natasha and charlie to talk because they rly cant let ppl do it for them lol

same year still, but as things start to improve and they can somewhat pick up their old banter without getting sad, bill invites natasha over for xmas because he’s actually given it off. never mind that in between all this, natasha took to writing to myron again, which just. not nice natasha jfc. natasha and charlie enjoy an incredibly awkward trip back with some UST, kiss again in the spot where they pretty much shared their first kiss, refuse to talk about the kiss, natasha buys charlie a new wand, they try to talk about it but its mostly natasha apologising for being a brat.

theyre still not back ‘on’ though, and have some make outs in locker rooms anyway, to the both of their confusion. are they ever going to talk? no. UNTIL ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and natasha’s not good at words but she’s good at actions and yknow what? fk it. slytherin might’ve won the quidditch cup, but when she landed in the middle of the pitch, and charlie reached out to shake her hand, she grabbed the front of his uniform and pulled him in for a big damn kiss in front of literally everyone, cup in her other hand. she keeps a photo of it on her at all times after that. 

i also have a fic I'm writing that was kind of before the celestial ball was announced where they organised kind of 7th yr graduation dance thing and it was going to be quiet and intimate kind of and natasha and charlie end up finishing the night together, falling asleep on a balcony and waking up with each other sort of thing lol

and that’s only ‘91. late ‘91 is when they separate for job opportunities. natasha goes to work at gringotts for a bit with bill, and charlie goes off to romania. they get a few weeks in of summer loving before, though, also post graduation celebration. but they write constantly and stuff. pursuing their own lives kind of starts to become a thing.

in ‘92, early they kind of make a vow to each other when they get a bit of time off and go to greece. its very romantic and a big step forward in commitment for them, as they don’t really see each other for the rest of the year. also, late 92 natasha starts working at durmstrang, which removes her even further from the stream of things.

early ‘93 is not a good time for charlie because of what happens to ginny and ron, so he’s not exactly in the best mindset as theres some self doubt at removing himself so much from his family, he cant be there so easily when they need him most. midway through ‘93, natasha gets attacked at durmstrang, and it takes ppl a while to actually find her. charlie spends a long ass time in st mungos beside her until she wakes up, and they reaffirm their feelings for each other when she does. natasha admits that she had called for charlie, being the last thought she had, and she creates the little runic stones for the both of them as a way of contacting each other, or just reminding them the other is there.

natasha returns to working in late ‘93, and in ‘94 they see each other again at the world cup. i know i said they took a break and ig they did but its easy for them to flirt dumbly until things go to shit with death eaters. until they punch one! and later on natasha is brought in as hired help to tutor the students brought to hogwarts, but because her ‘inside knowledge’ of the school is valuable. her and charlie hook meet up quite a bit when he’s present for the first task. also because she’s hanging around for the entire year, she is there for the yule ball and stuff. lots of writing to charlie like do you remember when we danced? so romantic.

idk what happens in ‘95. i haven't planned anything. same for ‘96. short of natasha going to romania to visit charlie a few times, and how her work ends up bringing her into the ministry a bit. its not the same kind of cooling off as hogwarts where they question the relationship, but apart from letters they dont really see each other.

in 97 however!!!!! bill and fleur’s wedding and like. they spent a bit of time apart again, so natasha puts on her best to impress her boy. and charlie wants to propose but also because he’s totally smitten by the idea of making it real between them as a proposal via ribbon only does so much lmfao. and they get interrupted! and separated for quite some time actually. natasha ultimately returns to her family, for the larger part of 97 she's working with them as they deal with the fact her grandfather made a deal with death eaters, and that her ancient family history is coming back to bite them in the ass. like i know in the books they say charlie went around recruiting foreign wizards but thats so HANDWAVEY of jkr yknow? granted she never rly sounded like she knew what to do with charlie apart from shipping him off to romania. I'm sure he went to romania like YO we cant let this happen come with me when it mattered, but you’ll have to fight me to convince me he wasn't with his family for a large part of the story, and that he wasn't doing underground work and stuff in the mean time (you can’t change my mind)

in 98 though everything goes to hell for natasha’s family and she, in a moment of panic, calls for charlie. and he literally runs to her, and they both nearly die for it, but like he finally sucks up the courage to ask her, for realsies, if she would marry him. its been like 10yrs of will they wont they for them and only so many bets can be placed. 

they get married late 98, and i know i never quite decided on smth big or intimate, but i think i’m happy with a ‘they had a big damn wedding and it was ridiculously opulent and flowery for autumn where you would’ve thought it was spring sort of thing. or maybe even something blissfully wintery. they’ve moved out of their summer romance phase, where it only came around for a few weeks at a time. relationship development. 

DO THEY HAVE KIDS I CANT DECIDE i guess the eldest would be born some time in 99? and then from there a general progression lmfao but YEAH

also in regards to like the celestial ball i understand why the canon characters weren’t involved, but i’m just smad. barnaby was rly cute though so... THERE YOU HAVE IT ANYWAY

i feel upset today because there is a continual expectation for me to put myself out for other people and get next to nothing in return as they ask for everything. and if i ask for something, it just goes ignored. 

i’m tired of my work being devalued. i’m tired of people just taking it for granted and using it to their own benefit. i felt nothing but anxiety and animosity at the last show our group put on because i was knowingly bullied on more than one occasion by another member and then forced to put on a show with them - and was even questioned why i might pull out my art. 

i was going to perform at this event. but as the weeks passed i realized i was putting in more work than anyone else and when i asked for certain things, they were ignored or put off. and yet there was an expectation for me to complete something for them ‘asap’. this made performing for the first time really devalued. like sure, i worked hard to create the event but why? what was the purpose of this? it was never to bring anyone together, it was never to showcase anything but the organizers themselves and the lack of good promotion means the likelihood of selling something at a venue not known for after hours shows and not joining our marketing is pretty low. 

i am 27 years old now. i have no fucking desire to put on shitty teen shows that are half assed thrown together with a bunch of my friends. thats not what this is about for me - it lacks a certain amount of organization and class. it lacks a curation in performers. i thought i might be the worst one - and that’d be okay. they cant all be winners. but now it’s just open mic - and if i really wanted to perform at a open mic, i’d go to a real one. if i’m going to do a large amount of the work - outside of meeting with the owner one time and putting up 5 flyers on street poles - i want the results to be worth the work i put in. and IMO it’s not. it’s mediocre and thrown together. 

and i feel a personal insult about this because of how much work i put intothe group itself. ive dedicated time on a semi regular basis to all the admin work, the promotion, keeping social media active, posting new submissions, fielding a majority of the questions and i’m not asking for praise - i’m asking for people to respect the work i’ve done. don’t come in and draw on it with magic marker and tell me its acceptable quality when theres folks painting in oils. i dedicated time to create an entity that could be used and harnessed; i ask for the quality of our output to match whats already there. 

and i think it’s asinine that i would hve to argue doing better than average. if this is just a hobby or random activity for you - fine. it’s not serious. you’re not serious. none of this matters. but it was presented as serious. it was presented as a showcase of people’s craft. there is no effort into making it somewhere one would wnt to be. we’re all going for the ~decor. we print posters because we want to see our name on a poster in the street - not becuse we’re really advertising an event. it was acceptable that the only people in attendance would be the performers and a few of their friends. acceptable!! that’s an unsuccessful house party, in my opinion. 

you know whats missing  locally? proper use of social media to network between people. it’s impossible to find other artists in the area unless you scour through obscure hashtags. but yet theres dozens and dozens if not hundreds of artists in the local area. this means you get stuck in one influence and within that influence you may be chastised for going against the “norm” of their influence. instead of new ideas being welcomed, they’re constantly turned down or argued against. 

i’ve met all of the people i know through facebook and instagram in my art world. thats a very powerful tool.i know models who only book through instagram. and ive had arguements about the use of hashtags. as if theyre not relevant. 

i’m tired of questioning what i know. tht honestly gives me the most anxiety. and its not like im tired of questioning what i do - its healthy to question your actions - but what i know and believe makes me feel unsure of myself and the skills i have. i have had experience working in the creative industries since i was 17, freelancing. and i have a wide variety of skills in graphic design, retouching photos, photography of models & landscapes & products, glamour modeling & product modeling (of which i’ve done for dozens of photographers in the local area), web design & blogging + knowlege of e-commerce platforms, wordpress, seo, promotion & marketing both online & offline, i’ve sold crafts online for almost four years and switched my primary creative tool from artisan crafts to trditional & figure art that i studied & practiced extensively for over two years, i have skills in copywriting & journalism, i have a handle on the basic laws of creative works & how they can be used, basic knowledge in building & selling a brand, communicating with clients & customers (of which i’ve had no complaints in regards to my communication - ive had complaints about shipping because post offices are not so nice), creating organized file systems which can be used by multiple people -- i have paid my dues. i am still growing, absolutely. i am not the best at any of the above things i listed. i could be even better. i could spend two hours today on one of these skills and be better than i am right now. i can always be better.

but just because i can be better doesnt take away from what i know now, what i have learned, what i have studied - like i took the time to study and read up on research and marketing & promotion techniques. a good portion of my first shop was spent reading about how to sell stuff, not so much making stuff to sell. as i did not realize at the time how much work went into being successful online. and i did not realize until my shop closed how i had taken that skill for granted - because i had done all that work & effort, it was able to pull in a few sales a month with little to no effort now. if i worked harder, maybe i couldve been even better. 

i also (un)willingly have worked full time as an artist and only an artist for at least two years. this is the “luxury” ive been allowed in  life even though i am the definition of starving artist. i didnt have it as a part time job or hobby - it was something i did every single day and i marketed & promoted for hours a day. an acquaintance of mine upon hearing of my mental state now told me that i had gone so hard for so long - and i kind of appreciated that he saw that on the outside. that someone could see that i actully did work incredibly hard. that i was dedicated.. that i AM dedicated. 

i’m not saying any of this makes me better thn anyone else or knowing more - it just means i’m experienced. i am very very experienced in not only practicing a craft but marketing that craft to sell, displaying that craft in it’s best light, knowing the best places to sell. i also work in quality over quantity. i am not interested in doing 9  - 10 shows a year. i’m not interested in shitting out  5 - 7 paintings at a time. it means before i touch anything to paper or canvas or wood - i’ve thought about it. i’ve really, really thought about it. i didnt just sit down and throw paint on the canvas. i couldve been thinking of this image for days before i do it. or the craft itself - my bone jewelry came because i absolutely neded to make a necklace out of fish bones i found and they needed vials attached. why? i dont know. but it just needed to be. 

when i started the group, i asked about names. i didnt choose a name or dictate the name. i was given a suggestion by someone i actually dont like at all and was given a reson for why he felt it was a good suggestion and i agreed because business-wise it was a good suggestion. i respected that he hd different ideas and experiences that shaped that suggestion that i did not have. i learned through it that i should expand my reach - both in my personal creative life and my ‘business’ creative life. 

my ~partner was disappointed i wasn’t going to perform. i could tell it was frustrating and dissappointing to him because i think he thought it wouldve been good for me and that i would hopefully find something in it that would bring me something. and through his disappointment he told me that it wasn’t totally right to drop out of something you planned to do or that peopl expected you to be at.

but i’d like to turn that around - my partner is someone who also puts himself out for others on a regular basis. and for a long, long, long time he was fucked around and fucked over by many people. an old friend came to his door and asked to borrow money and he allowed him to despite knowing he might be a drug addict now. he had no obligation to this person but it was like since he was asked, he should. and i think if he lerned to say no, or learned to walk away from an unhealthy situation, he would be happier as well. i’ve learned first hand the benefit of walking away from something toxic. and you will feel misplaced guilt for a bit, i feel some guilt now but it’s for the best. 

i try to think how i can change my perspective on it but i cannot. i wold not walk down the street if this was held in the local gallery, nevermind 20km away. like once i took myself out as a performer i realized i wouldnt even want to go. i dont want to see anyone perform but my partner; who will already be subdued because of the venue. ive been completely taken out of the organization of the event - despite having been continually involved in the promotion and a few conversations since the lst one where i said i didnt want to keep doing this. so ive deleted my advertisement efforts online andi’m just halting any further promotion on my part of this event. i’m 97% sure i’m personally not even going to go. i no longer ant to see half of the people there on a personal level so it’s not even worth going to to hang out and i dont care about displaying my art.