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deconstructthesoup · 6 months

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I think the reason that Dimension 20 really scratches all those itches in my brain is that it really shows what you can do with D&D---and TTRPGs as a whole.

Fantasy High, by itself, is an incredibly compelling concept. What would D&D look like in a semi-modern setting? What would a high school that's all about teaching teens how to be adventurers look like? And the way it's done is beyond inventive, especially if you look at all the encounters in the first season---we've got a literal food fight, a high-speed road chase with tiefling greasers, a nightclub brawl with zombies, vampires, and werewolves, a skating match with a bunch of dwarven middle schoolers and a concrete golem, a high-stakes game of football (ish) with undead jocks that give off major teen slasher vibes, a fight done in an arcade where characters can get trapped in the consoles, and the final battle is done at prom. PROM! How cool is that?

And then we get to the Unsleeping City, which takes the urban fantasy elements that Fantasy High already had and elevates it. The way the D&D lore and magic is interpreted in a modern New York setting is excellent, as is the whole take on the "American Dream," magic literally coming from dreams, ideas, and the imagination. I know that I need to actually finish the UC saga, but from what I've seen and experienced, it is truly fantastic.

And the same energy carries through to the other seasons---my personal favorite outside of Fantasy High being A Court of Fey and Flowers, just because I'm a sucker for any Fey Realm content and I've been raised on Jane Austen---where the genre mashups shine through in the best way possible. I'll admit, I haven't seen A Crown of Candy, purely because I know how heartbreaking and devastating it is and I don't think I can physically handle it, but the concept of Candyland Game of Thrones is so beautifully bizarre that I totally get why people love it so much. Escape from the Bloodkeep hitting that workplace comedy vibe that we love to see in villains. Misfits & Magic being a love letter to the "magical boarding school" genre while also calling out all the weird contradictions inherent in it. A Starstruck Odyssey literally being an homage to Brennan's mom and exactly the kind of madcap and unhinged energy I need from my sci-fi. Neverafter perfectly encapsulating the true horror of fairy tales. Mentopolis hitting my noir-loving heart and personifying hyperfixation in the best way possible.

I'm not even kidding when I say that, if it weren't for Dimension 20... I probably wouldn't have even started my own campaign. I'd had snippets and ideas ever since officially getting into D&D and joining a game with some old friends (and getting back in touch with them in the process), but after I saw the Mentopolis trailer, I realized just how much variety TTRGPs had to offer. I could do a time-blending, history-meets-future campaign. I could go out-of-the-box. I could have endless amounts of options available to my friends and still tell the story that I wanted to tell. And when I sat down and watched Fantasy High---and when I got that Dropout subscription so I could consume whatever I wanted---it felt like the show was actually giving me advice. It's fantastic.

Also it helps that the episodes are usually only roughly a couple hours instead of being, like, an entire afternoon long. And that each season is 20 episodes, tops. No offense to Critical Role, but the sheer amount of content literally makes it impossible for me to get into it.

#dimension 20 #dropout tv #fantasy high #the unsleeping city #a court of fey and flowers #a crown of candy #a starstruck odyssey #neverafter #mentopolis #i just love this show so much you guys

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severinwoolf · 3 years

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Hello! This is an intro post. I very much should have done this about five years ago but at least I’m doing it now.

Personal Stuff: I go by Becca or Marx online. I’m 24 (Taurus Sun, Cancer Rising, Aquarius Moon.) I’m sapphic/bi/generally super queer. I use she/they pronouns. I’m a Jewish leftist. I won’t give you my laundry list of mental disorders but basically I’m neurodivergent and I’ve got some other stuff going on (is anyone neurotypical on this site even????)

I have a graduate degree in Ancient Greek and Latin. Now I’m once again in grad school but this time for an MFA. I’m also an aspiring SFF writer and a poet. I write fanfic but mostly for myself.

Warning: I used to reblog th*nspo and various related ED tumblr bullshit from the age of 18 to 20. So around 2018 to 2019. I’ve been trying to go through and delete all of it (I regret it so very much, I was in a horrible place. I vent about it sometimes. If you want to shoot me an ask or a message, I can explain further if necessary.) I’m in recovery and I will never go back to that place. If you decide to follow, I promise you won’t find any new th*nspo reblogged here <3

DNI: The list of usual suspects. Radfems and TERFs go to hell especially. Also Reylos, for your own peace of mind, you’re probably going to want to stay away.

What I post: My personal tag is #thevoidspeaks and I occasionally post quotes from what I’m reading. You can find those under #litblr. The #quote tag is just a collection of quotes I’ve found on here.

I reblog aesthetics. Various aesthetic collections are categorized by tag. Some personal favorites of my collection are #darkacademia , #cottagecore , #haunted , and #vampirecore

I have an #art tag and a #sculpture tag where I curate a kind of private museum in cyberspace. I do the same thing with my #artifact tag. I like to imagine that I own a big old mansion and fill it with absolutely ridiculous things.

I trigger tag: gore, blood, food, ED (eating disorders), guns, and cigarettes (I’ve got a nic addiction, I know how hard it is seeing constant pics of cigs. i figured I’d tag it so that if you’re trying to quit you can block the tag.)

Interests: Ohhhh boy, this is going to be a lot. These are some of the constants but my interests are constantly changing. I have ADHD and I tend to have brief but intense hyperfixations. The BPD also doesn’t exactly help matters on this front either...

*Anime: Cowboy Bebop, Sailor Moon, Ouran High School Host Club, Panty and Stocking With Garterbelt

* TV: Doctor Who, Penny Dreadful, BTVS, Wandavision, Veep, The Thick of It, Adventure Time, Fleabag, Law and Order (mainly SVU and OC. Yes I know it’s Copoganda. Trust me there is no context where I think this franchise represents the actual US justice system.) American Horror Story, Peaky Blinders, ATLA, What We Do In The Shadows, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Seinfeld, Ratched, Downton Abbey, Gentleman Jack, Community, Russian Doll, Steven Universe, Breaking Bad, House of The Dragon, Stranger Things (more of a casual interest than much of this list) Wednesday

*Movies: Crimson Peak, Coraline, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland (all versions), Carol (2015), The Graduate, Star Wars, Gone Girl, Jennifer’s Body, Labyrinth, Heathers , Ocean’s 8

*Musicals: She Loves Me, Wicked, Legally Blonde, If/Then, Rent, Cabaret, Sweeney Todd, Chicago, A Little Night Music, My Fair Lady, Hadestown, Heathers, Six!

*Celebrities: Sarah Paulson, Idina Menzel, Florence Welch, Rihanna, Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, Jessica Chastain, Alex Kingston, Mariska Hargitay, Stephanie March, Suranne Jones, Alex Kingston, Kathryn Hahn, Laura Benanti, and many others

*Music: Florence + The Machine, Mitski, Cocteau Twins, The Clash, Phoebe Bridgers, Amy Winehouse, MUNA, BANKS, Taylor Swift, Tori Amos

*Misc.: Homestuck (God...I know its embarrassing) Virginia Woolf, LOTR, Skyrim, The Secret History, UNHhh, Game of Thrones (mainly the books,). Ancient Greek and Roman History and language, linguistics generally, ED recovery, Witchcraft, Fanfiction, Jewish History and culture, and Leftism . Basically, I contain multitudes

Ahhh I think that’s everything! I’ve probably forgotten things. If I think of anything I’ll edit this

#intro post #the void speaks

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willexxmercer · 3 years

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I was tagged by @unremarkablegirl :D

Name/nickname: Tee

Gender: Female

Star sign: Taurus

Height: 5'9″

Time: 11:11am (when I started this)

Birthday: May 15

Favourite bands: Imagine Dragons, American Authors, Backstreet Boys, The Jerry Cans, Marianas Trench, Maroon 5, Jonas Brothers, Great Big Sea

Favourite solo artists: Selena Gomez, Shawn Desman, Michael Buble, Jeremy Shada, Serena Ryder, Lorde, Bryan Adams, Stromae, Kelsea Ballerini

(I have a very... eclectic taste in music... i kind of like a bit of everything)

Song stuck in my head: Finally Free - Julie and the Phantoms soundtrack

Last movie: Starstruck (I was doing research for my fic oops)

Last show: ........................ Julie and the Phantoms

When did I create this blog: 2013 I think, but I had another blog that I deleted before that, which i started in 2011

How it started: I was sitting in the coffee shop at my university and figured it would be nice to have a blog to use for fandom stuff and well... the rest is history

How's it's going: Generally I love it. Tumblr is the place where I feel free to be myself, and despite the ship wars and fandom drama, I always end up gravitating back here. It’s also helped me meet a bunch of awesome people and gotten me writing again!

What I post: Oh god uhhhh a whole lot of everything, depending on my current hyperfixations. Right now it’s jatp, but I still have a nostalgic fondness for The 100, and ouat’s still there, and I post a lot of writing and moodboards. And as a sidenote, I try to avoid negativity as much as possible, although sometimes it slips in

Aesthetic: I flipflop between nautical, nature, and industrial. Really, a whole lot of everything

Last thing I googled: “Washington DC news” (eep)

Other blogs: An rp blog I never use and an rph blog I also never use. I also have a shitton of old rp blogs floating around that I abandoned...

Following: Currently following 346 people - if the vibe is right, I’ll follow, but I also have my limits when it comes to negativity and/or focus on ships I personally don’t like

Followers: 697 (SO CLOSE TO 700) (ILY ALL)

Average sleep: Anywhere between 5-8 hours on a good day

lucky number: 8, no real reason

Instruments: Piano, trombone, euphonium, passable in flute, clarinet, bass clarinet, tuba, trumpet, french horn, and mallet/auxiliary percussion

what i am wearing: leggings, a nice top, a cardigan, and a (faux) wool shawl

Dream job(s) (in no particular order): Teacher (hey look that’s what I do), curriculum developer in the board office

Favourite Animal noise: otter squeaks

Random: I really love otters, like... REALLY love them

Dream trip: Cambodia!

Favourite food: any kind of pasta

Nationality: Canadian

Favourite song: ........................ Uh Oh by Jeremy Shada

Last book i read: In the Heat of the Night - John Ball

Top 3 fictional universes i would like to live in: ATLA, Harry Potter, Weyard (Golden Sun)

Tagging: @pawprinterfanfic @thelittlefanpire @dylanobrienisbatman @boomheda

#about me

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cellarful-of-noise · 3 years

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@rizadyke tagged anyone who wants to so here i go!

1. name/nickname: Scout

2. gender: nonbinary, he/they

3. star sign: leo

4. height: 5′2 (actively shrinking though so i could be shorter

5. time: 7:41am

6. birthday: July 30, 2004

7. favorite bands/groups: The Beatles (cringe i know), My Chemical Romance, The Cranberries, Rush, The Andrews Sisters

8. favorite solo artist: Regina Spektor, Dodie, Penelope Scott, Johnny Cash, Cavetown

9. song stuck in my head: uhhh i’m listening to history maker by dean fujioka rn so i guess that

10. last movie: uhhhh The Chorus during french class

11. last show: Bungo Stray Dogs. currently watching every episode with chuuya

12. when did i create this blog: uhhhhh. a little over a year ago i think?

13. what do i post: shitposts, random stuff, spam about my hyperfixations and special interests lmao

14. last thing i googled: picrew lmao

15. other blogs: i talk about my experience with disabilities and medical issues on @journey-to-discovery

16. do i get asks: not really unless i do an ask game. please feel free to interact! i don’t bite and i’d love to get some more asks!

17. why did i choose this url: bc i’m a simp for olivier armstrong lmao next question

18. following: 77

19. followers: 220

20. average hours of sleep: i think 8 but it never feels like enough

21. lucky number: 18

22. instruments: oh boy. saxophone, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, piano, kalimba, violin, and i sing

23. what am i wearing: my school uniform :(

24. dream job: stage actor! broadway here i come!

25. dream trip: backpacking the south island of new zealand with my best friend!

26. favorite food: idk if i have a favorite food but my comfort foods are mac n cheese, rice with butter (yes it’s bland but let me be), and pierogi (ok that one might be my favorite food)

27. nationality: American

28. favorite song: rn i’m kinda hyperfocusing on troubled times by green day

29. last book read: uhhh rn the main book i’m reading is “from laika’s window”

30. three fictional universes you’d like to live in: hmmm fma, pokemon, lotr

tagging @hauntedfield @crannabeatha @exactly24bees and whoever else wants to!

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hearts-hunger · 3 years

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i was tagged by @herewegoagainniall ♡ thanks lovely!

rules: answer 30 questions and tag some blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

name/nickname: maddie, and mads is my favorite nickname :)

gender: cis female, she/her pronouns

star sign: cancer

height: 5′2′’

time: 11:30 pm

birthday: june 22

favorite bands/groups: queen, talking heads, the clash, the beatles, the eagles, the rolling stones

favorite solo artists: phoebe bridgers, elton john, chet baker, john prine, billy joel, dolly parton, elvis costello, literally anybody from the 80s lol

song stuck in my head: “a long time ago” by jim croce

last movie: it’s a wonderful life

last show: narcos

when did i create this blog: 2018, the day after i saw borhap for the first time :)

what do i post: mostly pedro pascal now, but i still post queen/borhap content. basically whatever my hyperfixation is at the moment lol

last thing googled: “cody ko that’s cringe matty smokes” because it’s the funniest video on youtube

other blogs: @westernwoods (my main, a narnia blog) @eugenebondurant (my hbo war blog) @starlight-scully (my x files blog) and @johncarters (my er blog)

do i get asks: yes! not like i used to when the queen/borhap fandom was at its height, but the lovelies who stuck with me still send me asks and i still light up every time, even if i’m trash at answering right away

why i chose my url: it’s for brian may, the guitarist for queen

following: 1,712

followers: 3,166 ♡

average hours of sleep: 6-7, but i go to sleep around 3 or 4 am and get up around 10

lucky number: 7 i think! or 22. i vibe with both.

instruments: i can fool around on piano and guitar pretty well

what am i wearing: my “sababa” t-shirt i got in israel and sweats

dream job: in my wildest dreams? i’d be a disney imagineer in the 70′s and early 80′s. in real life, i’d like to study history and be a homemaker for my partner someday.

dream trip: a riverboat wine cruise through europe, with plenty of stops in quaint little villages

favorite food: ooh probably a taylor ham, egg, and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel

nationality: american

favorite song: i can’t pick just one but “andromeda” by weyes blood is a current favorite

last book read: sex and the city of god by carolyn weber

top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: harry potter (sue me), new girl, and percy jackson

i’m tagging @tv-saved-the-teenage-girl , @punkgeekchic , @aprilaady , and @rogertaylorsangeleyes if you want loves! ♡

#thanks for tagging me dear!#tag game #about me

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littlewalken · 3 years

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Feb 16

May my backstory for Marko inspire someone who does the research and there by teaches people more about 20th century Jewish history in one story than American schools did their entire time there.

Because American schools generally suck education wise and just want to make workers for the industrial revolution.

Most of yesterday was given to a Pain Away because my neck was so fucked. Because I have American health care which will deny authorization for something while I’m in the middle of it leaving me to foot the bill instead of having food that pay period.

I think I did some string and added to my typing thing.

Definitely in a not wanting to watch the news phase.

Must have watched Meatballs every time it’s been on TV.

That channel with the commentaries is nice because i was able to get one for The Princess Bride. I picked up Cary’s book and a barish bones DVD from junk stores, haven’t read or watched either yet, but I know I might.

ADHSquirrel people know what I mean by ‘I just might’ when it comes to stuff. Not hoarding and keeping everything but like finding the Making of Costume Drama book and wanting to get a copy of Costume Drama so you know what they’re talking about all because you already have some other stuff related to the time period of Costume Drama.

Or like when there was a DVD store at the mall and they had a sale and you found The Prisoner and watched a couple of episodes to try and help understand when people make fun of it and years later a fan book turns up so you get that.

My last $40 might have gone to that Led Zeppelin box set with the cardboard sleeves mimicking the album covers but I have all of the original Tomorrow People that came form the meeting where David Bowie and Roger Price came up with Homo Superior and at least I’ve seen a couple of the episodes and when I can New Hyperfixation it’s ready for me.

The Zep is on my music player so I did do that.

But that’s how a lot of neurodivergent brains think. I liked the one part I want the other. I might have just made a gift giving hint for people.

Better make a separate post for that.

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lokeanrampant · 5 years

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So. I apparently have a trigger. It’s an ugly one and it hits hard and it returned me to a very unhealthy place. Long post and Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ahead.

And thank you, anon, for your words. I hope you’re right.

I have recently been diagnosed with a few things and have medications which are helping, but this particular medication is having an amazing and GOOD effect on me. I am awake and aware, I don’t need to do three things at once to focus on something, I actually can focus, so much good stuff. But yes, it has an effect on my appetite. I have fantastic willpower and I generally really, really hate anything that fucks with my appetite cause that will generally lead to me not eating enough. So that’s what I’m dealing with here. I probably wasn’t eating enough, but I felt good and I was basically grazing, so I figured, okay, we’re still okay.

Only...the doc who prescribed pull that trigger fucking hard.

So the medication works for ADHD and though I have a sensory processing disorder, she can’t quite say I have ADHD. But she can put in her notes that she is prescribing it for “binge eating,” not because I have it, but because she thinks the med will help. And it has. I felt better than I had in years. So I’m on this for about a month and doing great. My therapist was THRILLED with my progress and we were going to really work hard on my BDD.

Then I had the follow-up appt. Where the doc kept harping on how well the med worked for my binge eating and controlling cravings and overeating. Like over and over and over.

Let me tell you a lil something about me.

I’m a stress-starver. It comes from my teens where I was constantly told that, being overweight and trying to lose weight, I ate too much, that I ate like a pig, eat less. This is from DOCTORS, mind you. Yes, doctors told me this. Constantly.

So I did that. I ate less. Still couldn’t lose weight. Same deal - “you eat too much.” So I ate less.

I was down to one meal a day: a sandwich. Two pieces of bread, some mayo, some chicken.

Guess what? Yep, “you eat too much.”

So I STOPPED eating. Food was the enemy. My body needed fuel, but I didn't want it and the docs assumed I ate and never stopped and kept telling me to eat less and less and less. Obviously, I was still eating too much, right? So hey, okay, I’ll eat less. Just enough to keep me standing...and sometimes, not even then. Super healthy, yo. Bodies don’t like to lose weight in Starvation Mode. But I was too fat for that and I ate too much, right? So I essentially stopped eating.

That's not binging. It's not binge/purge. It's punishment for being fat and ugly and self-harm by restricting food because I wasn't worthy of it and it was ultimately bad for me. If I had been a skinny bit, they probably would’ve diagnosed me with anorexia, but I just never presented with that low body weight or being underweight. Nope. Not me. There is now an atypical anorexia that doesn’t present the classic way, but who are not underweight after significant weight loss. And even then, I haven’t had significant weight loss in years.

So there we are - eating disorder NOS, atypical presentation that doesn’t match anorexia, bulimia, binging. It’s a much bigger diagnosis catch-all than you might realize.

It took me a long time to have a healthier relationship with food, and it's still not great, but it's okay. Ask anyone in my life and they will tell you the same, that I don't overeat. Even when I pms and actually crave a junk food? I don't binge and I normally find a healthier alternative anyway (because junk food doesn't make me feel great).

There is no secret or hidden eating. There can definitely be guilt and self-loathing for eating, especially if it's not low-carb, but it’s rare...or at least, it was. My food intake is not out of control. I almost never overeat (it doesn't feel good!). The only time I eat when I am not hungry is normally because I couldn't eat when I was hungry and then proceed to feel ill because my blood sugar has dropped. Then I have to eat. But it's not binging. It's not healthy, and it doesn't fit the major eating disorders, but it's still not binging.

Do I have major body image issues? Fuck yes. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I have horrible self-image and will be sent into a major tailspin if I see photos or, gods, video. I will stop being able to look in a mirror. I have covered mirrors for days before. I will have trouble showering unless I do it with my eyes closed so I don’t have to see the hideousness of me and even then, I still have to touch it to clean it. I’m very self-critical and hate this body in which I feel trapped. But I still do things. I’m still working. I do theater. I garden. I DO THINGS. I also have an intense fear of gaining weight to be even larger than I am. Even if I know that I am not the heaviest person in the room, and I can know that, logically, even with sizes or measurements, I will still feel larger, heavier, uglier. I will feel like the largest, heaviest, ugliest person there even if I know someone is twice or more my size. My friend at work is probably a good 100+lbs heavier than I am and I just think she’s gorgeous. Her weight doesn’t matter. She’s attractive inside and out. But me? No. I”m fat because fat was taught to me as an ugly word. So I am fat, because it’s ugly. Other people aren’t fat because they aren’t ugly.

So what happens when you tell someone, who has already told you all this history about being told you’re fat because you eat too much and that you need to eat less....so YOU DID and that’s also why you stopped going to doctors because you were eating barely enough to stay standing and they still said that, so they obviously didn’t know a fucking thing, and that yet again, I apparently have NO. FUCKING. CLUE. WHAT FOOD I PUT IN MY MOUTH.

What happens when you tell someone like that that they are binging and eating too much?

Answer: I stop fucking eating.

I’m right back to being 18yo and crying because I’m hungry because food is the fucking enemy. Because apparently, even what I eat, which is definitely light for American portion sizes, but actually really fucking healthy portion sizes, is still too much.

Even though my sis has been concerned because the medication is altering my appetite to the point where I really don’t eat more than 4oz at a meal, if that...which I did when I was having extreme gallbladder pain at one point.

Even though she, several friends, and a friend/coworker know how I eat, what I eat, that I don’t overeat, that I can make a sub-in-a-tub style salad into multiple, low-carb, healthy wraps and have lunch for two or three days.

That I don’t eat or even LIKE much sugar (why the FUCK is everything so gods damned SWEET? Holy fuck.). I vastly prefer savory (spice is nice).

I don’t tend to eat breads or potatoes because they make me feel bad (bloaty, ewww...so probably a gluten intolerance? I don’t know, but I know I don’t feel well when I eat them, so hey, idea! DON’T EAT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD. Crazy AF, I know, right?).

People who know me envy the self-control and willpower that I have regarding food. They don’t realize it came out of such self-loathing and self-harm mechanisms. I’ve made it healthier. I’ve gotten better with food and in a lot of ways, that was because it didn’t really matter what I ate after a point, my weight maintained. It wasn’t the food...or it wasn’t just the food.

There’s a fuckton more at work regarding metabolism and hormones and shit that just fuck up a body. And one medication stopped the bad thoughts from auto-play 24/7 and helped reduce stress to the point I was like, fuck, is this what I am supposed to feel like? And then this new one, that helps me feel awake, aware, and focused reduced that anxiety even MORE and it’s like another layer of fog is lifted? To realize how much CONSTANT STRESS AND ANXIETY I had that was literally non-stop fight-or-flight mode? Gods, no wonder I couldn’t lose weight. My body was always prepped for disaster and wanted to keep every fucking thing. I finally felt that I could maybe make a difference and not only feel healthier, but maybe actually get healthier, be in better shape, lose weight.

But to be told that I’m still a binge eater, when I fit only the “feel guilt or shame over eating” NOW, because you brought all that shit back by telling me that I still overeat and that’s why I’m fat and hey, this med is really controlling your binging?

Dinner last night was eight...yes, 8, cashews. It took me from 9:30 to about 2:30pm today to eat a Sargento’s snack pack (cheese, cashews, raisins in this one). I had a electrolyte water (36oz or so) and am working on my second bottle (fairly normal). I went out with friends tonight and managed to slow sip a beer over about two hours as someone was buying and really wanted to buy us a drink, so hey, I got some calories in the beer. Couldn’t eat though. The thought of eating today was met with instant recoil. Food becomes the enemy once again. It becomes a hyperfixation because it's too much, too much, it's bad for you, stop eating, yes even 4oz is too much, you don't need that much. And no, I don’t weigh myself or count calories/fat/etc for the same reason - it became a hyperfixation and an emotional minefield where any little (and frequently normal) fluctuation sends me into a very bad place. If I need to do something like that, measurements are easier for me.

And that’s not a place I want to be. I worked SO HARD to not be there. I KNOW the way I eat is healthy. I know the portion sizes are good. I know how to read labels (questionable reliability, but it’s what we’ve got). I can make good food at home. I can choose fairly healthy if I’m out and about. I had made my peace with food and while we would never be great friends, we at least weren’t enemies any more.

I am trying. I am. I, oddly, have some support around me. A friend really helped tonight, but it’s a serious work-in-progress. I managed to eat about 8-10 shrimp around midnight but I couldn’t do that with someone watching. It’s back to the high school cafeteria where it literally didn’t matter what you ate, if you were fat, you weren’t supposed to eat at all. It’s feeling guilty to be seen eating because you actually have the nerve to have a body that requires sustenance and they will judge you any bite you consume. The doctor created guilt around food I hadn’t had for YEARS. Admittedly, I still don’t like work lunch/break rooms, but I just don’t care to socialize with some people and I can keep my phone charged at my desk. Win-win. And I don’t generally have a problem eating at restaurants or with friends.

My friend tonight told me that i am NOT that person I was. And I’m not. I have changed so much since then. And since I know what the doctor said is false, it’s rather like someone yelling at me because they hate my hair for being blonde when it’s black. It makes no sense and what they said isn’t real; it shouldn’t mean anything. But it’s a whammy and when you already have a predisposition to fall into self-hate and self-harm, it’s a nasty, ugly whammy that lingers. It’s an old, well-worn pattern of badness that is only comfortable because you lived it for so long, you know how it works.

I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m furious. I’m hurt.

And I don’t know how long it will take to climb out of this.

#tw: self-hate #tw: self-harm #tw: eating disorder #tw: body dysmorphia #wheeeeee #long post #personal #feel free to ignore #I just needed to vent

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