Alrighty. I have seen the newest episode of the Percy Jackson Show. Thoughts (in no particular order):

Sad about not getting to see Charon ("Do I LOOK like a Centaur to you??? It's CARE-on.") in his Italian Silk Suits™ and complain about pay raises

CERBERUS!!

Hehehehe Annabeth shouting "don't make me come back there" to Procrustus hehehe

KRONOS NAME DROP

THE FOOTWEAR DROPPING INTO HELL!!!

Sad at not seeing so many football field-wide fields that are crowded with the lights off for the Asphodel fields vs Soooo cool how the trees are ppl and all the ppl are treees and all the trees in the background for ever and ever?? vs WHICH REGRET IS TYING ANNABETH THERE???

I FREAKING KNEW THAT WE WOULD LOSE THE FOURTH PEARL I KNEW IT vs. GROVER BBY NOOO

Seeing Poseidon (:/) vs. SALLY JACKSON FLASHBACK (HELL YESS????)

Seeing Hades (a lil sad that he isn't the first 10-ft tall actual god-looking god that Percy sees in the series like in the books, woulda been cool :/) vs. SEEING HADES!!!! (this man is Nico's FATHER!?!? he will actively keep and try to raise this child??? I love this man. What an absolute g. So funny?? And also seems to be the only one who cares about shit?? What a guy!!!)

CERBERUS!!!!

"Okie-doke." XD ???

Sad about no "Uncle Hades"

Happy about THE SET UP FOR THE BOSS FIGHT NEXT EPISODE!!!

Every single parallel?? I love???

No forgotten dreams in the Styx. :( I understand why, with the budgets and stuff, but no creepy Styx??? :( :(

OH WAIT DOES THE RUBBER BALL THROWN IN THE STYX COUNT AS A BROKEN DREAM??? (it does now; let me have this pls)

Grover and Percy quality time :)

"Would you like some pomegranate juice??? :D" Hades wtf XD

Speaking of Pomegranates, so happy we did not get to see Persephone in the middle of summer in the Underworld!! Let us see her when we see her!!

CERBERUS!!!!!

Annabeth lore drop in the show!!

Final Thoughts:

Hell yes, Hades (pun intended)

Good Doggo

I NEED to see Percy giving Gabe's number on live tv and promising everyone free appliances if they call the number!!

Hey, How are you? So idk if this is unwanted feedback or not. But I just wanted you to know I really liked your tes art. (I like all your art, but I found you through your tes art). Idk if I missed any coz, well, I'm online at odd hours. I am however guilty of "silent reblogs" probably, so, my bad (I'm so very bad at commenting/tagging on art, sorry). I also queue everything so there might be delay between the post and my reblog. All this to say, it's your choice to post tes art, but know you have a tiny follower waving happily each time they see your art! Have a good day!

Thanks! I appreciate the support and honestly just passing stuff around is fine usually for artists because it gets it out there. Also I have so much trouble tagging stuff and I have a little existential crisis over reblogging other people's art so I do Get It™.

I just don't do art to be an actual artist. Which, I'm sure is a truly bizarre thing to say but I use it more to communicate my thoughts (usually about my OCs) and it feels kinda sad to get nothing communicated back. I'm just kinda increasingly weird about it because I don't have associates to talk to about tES things (not that I would because I'm antisocial and just kind of leave things to be passively absorbed) so the little tag notes and replies are all I got.

It's more of a warning that I may fizzle out and that's why. No reason to worry about it.

also tbc, it's usually fine to send me asks about most things! so long as it's not prying into the various things that are wrong with my psyche or 'if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me'. Lovely sentiment and I appreciate it! I just simply will not do that. Which is the more specific reason why I have that "!PLEASE ASK ME ABOUT MY OCs! Or just anything that doesn't have to do with me as a person" in my pinned.

Idk if that's what you were referencing but nevertheless

hope you have a good one too

Lord, are these your real terms?

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

I haven't been able to watch Ant-Man: Quantumania. I was hoping that would be the first movie I'd see, after the restrictions. But, for obvious reasons, I haven't been able to. I could joke about having to wait for MCU X-Men; but that really is quite a long time away.

Yes, I've seen the cartoons. They're no masterpiece of animation, I doubt the arbiters of such titles would include the series among the greats. But I like questions presented in the show: would a character, with the power to make the right choice, actually make the right choice? Because clearly having powers did not guarantee that. Nor did it prevent anyone from harming others, just because it was possible. I mean the whole laying the Earth to waste could be fun; I can't really say, having never actually done so (and I suppose I'll be told I'm denying myself the right to explore my potential with all this self-restraint).

I haven't seen all the seasons, though, so I'm not as knowledgeable as a Proper Fan™ ought to be. I'd always tried to get the homework done before watching, but homework kept piling up. As a reward for completing schoolwork, I'd get more schoolwork. So I had to stop watching. Even reading as pastime became an increasingly occasional thing.

But I accepted that. I thought I was preparing myself, building towards the potential to good. The particulars were unknown, but I intended to do good. — Not only to excel, but do good, and not only in terms of a specific vocation. I intended to be good, to help others, for their sake as well as His, and be pleasing to Him.

And now what have I for my efforts? Where is the fruit of the poor, obscure, plain and little servant? No hundredfold yield here: no sixtyfold harvest, not even thirtyfold. Nothing much to see but a failure and a fraud:

He that is faithful in that which is least, is faithful also in that which is greater: and he that is unjust in that which is little, is unjust also in that which is greater.

— The Gospel of Saint Luke (Chapter 16, Verse 10)

And I can accept that, too. I am a fallen sinner, full of flaws, and I can accept — or at least I think I can — that my suffering is necessary for cleansing and growth. If the little I have must also be taken away ... well, I don't think I have the strength to oppose that. But what of those who have become great and accomplished, gaining all manner of exemplary achievements, and showing no love for God or their fellow creatures? What makes their sins permissible? Will they all learn what they need to learn before they die? Is their repentance assured, and mine isn’t? Is that why they are allowed to flourish, and I am not? Grace for them, but not for me?

But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? [...] silence [...].

I don’t believe Our Lord predestines anyone to hell. That is not what the Church teaches. Nevertheless — what now? I still feel sad, lonely, and tired; I am still weak and sinful. One little slip, one tiny crack, could make my cup of sorrow runneth over.

Hello there, I truly enjoy your blog. And I especially like going through your tags that talk about "wokeism", the corruption of education and using logic to find fallacies in an argument.

I am an atheist, raised loosely catholic (my family never was the type to actually practice or preach anything to us youngsters, and I consider my self quite lucky in that regard). What bothers me the most is that even though I consider myself out of religious thinking, I still do indulge in an another variant of magical thinking from time to time. As in "I want to practice witchcraft" kind of thing.

Maybe what got me so hooked is that especially here on tumblr is full of people who proclaim that magic is tangible and has indisputable results... When done right. But that might change from person to person. Because no one has a definitive say in the how-to since it's not, you know, a science. And this sounds suspiciously similar to what religion and especially prayers seem to offer.

I would love to hear you think abou this topic, because it is kind of sad that I can't really play pretend when I know underneath all of this it's just placebo effects and self-suggestion and whatnot... Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on the fun you know? Especially when it comes from very compelling bloggers, because they have a very good internal system of explanations to this phenomena where everything works perfectly fine... Except for the fact that you can never be sure it *really* works.

I think there is a lot to say, because it seems to me there is a very big overlap between practicing a religion and practicing magic.

Sorry for the rant. I hope this is something you are willing to reply to.

I've talked about Wicca/Witchcraft before, as well as Paganism in general, and a general purpose magical thinking answer. My short answer is that I don't begrudge anyone prancing around in nature doing rituals, dancing naked around a fire, or whatever it might be, for enjoyment, to commune with nature, blow off stress, whatever.

But as soon as they make a factual claim about its efficacy, then that's where they, ahem, conjure a burden of proof. Things that are true and real in reality leave footprints, some detectable effect that can be confirmed. If they want to say that it "works," that they've confirmed it, then they're saying it's both testable and measurable. There's money to be made if they can pass a test to prove it. But even without a financial incentive, who wouldn’t want to change the world by proving that you knew the True™ thing?

To insist that it's real but can't be detected is to contradict oneself. How can the practitioner know it worked if they can't detect it? Yes, this is the same as every other religious insistence on an intangible, immaterial, undetectable god who is nevertheless "real."

Science is not a belief, it's a method. And as a method, it's also extensible, in that new ways of detecting, measuring, describing, evaluating can be introduced. That's how we got Quantum Mechanics, DNA, etc. Repeatable, reliable ways of evaluating a claim that provide universal verification - that is, it doesn't require that a Xian or Wiccan do the test, or a man or a woman, or a Japanese or Cuban person or anything else; anyone who does the test gets the same result, as long as they follow the method.

If no one has a definitive say, then we can conclude it's not verifiable; it sounds like it's not even definable. If there's no agreed upon definition or concept, there's no way the results themselves can be agreed upon. The notion that it must be "done right" implies such a definition does exist, and then can be the basis of such a test.

I wouldn't feel "left out." They're engaging in delusions, whereas you're not.

I will guarantee you one thing though: have you ever seen one of those teen comedies from say the late 90s or the early 00s, where some kids get hold of some "drugs" and take them, but it turns out it's like paracetamol or oregano or something, and some of them are like "ooh, yeah, I feel it," and some of the others - usually the protagonist - are like "um, yep, sure," because they're only pretending?

I guarantee you that some proportion is the same. You'll certainly have people prone to confirmation bias who will validate their expectations based on unremarkable pattern matching (apophenia). But you'll also have people pretending to experience it too so they can be part of the thing, because they don't want to be left out. There's an elephant in the room that they're not talking about, because they don't want to break the, ahem, spell, so to speak.

You're just more honest about it. If you enjoy it, don't worry about it. You don't have to be a Xian to enjoy the elaborate design of a cathedral. And you don't have to believe in literal magic to enjoy the rituals and activities of playing witch.

The irony is that you'll actually be getting something real out of it, while they, thinking they have magic powers, won't.

story for the sleepover!!

so, I've mentioned this a few times before on here, but I've actually Kunikida'd (TA'd math/science) before. was I good at it? absolutely not. but, nevertheless, I did it. kinda. last year I was just approached and told that I was invited for a TA position at some STEM summer program for kids aged 10-14, and I was like "oh I am Not qualified for this but sure I guess, sounds interesting, looks great on my resume too" and agreed. okay I kinda lied at the beginning. I was really just a backup TA, a teaching assistant assistant if you will, but they put "mathematics assistant" on the little certificate thing so who cares about the semantics, we're all here for the fun story.

I ended up mainly working this group of kids taking the astronomy class (the physicist teaching the class was awesome by the way, and he even taught me some basic Python in exchange for my helping out). honestly I didn't do much besides carrying stuff around between the classroom, office, and storage room and answering questions (the funniest one was from this 14 year old who asked, with complete seriousness, "have any probes launched by humans left the galaxy yet?" and seemed genuinely perplexed when I said no before writing something down on a piece of paper. and I was standing there like "????????my guy are you even human?????????"). but I digress.

while there, I ended up accidentally "adopting" this really sad-looking 10 year old kid who acted way too old and smart for his age. not in a weird way, but in the way that he'd sometimes have pretty long, deep conversations with me, and halfway through I'd suddenly remember that oh my god, this is a literal child, why does this kid have such a bleak view of the world, Jesus Christ I am so unqualified for this. and when I say "sad-looking", I mean really sad-looking. he had these large dark circles under his eyes, and always looked completely exhausted. like, imagine a typical STEM major during finals week, and then cram that into the 4'8" body of a 10 year old kid, and you'll roughly get what this kid was. oh and also, being around this kid was also even more uncanny for me personally because it felt like being around a miniature version of me. it was seriously so surreal. anyway. that was the kid that ended up latching onto me. I don't know what it was about me that made this kid start following me around, maybe my own "exhausted 24/7 appearance", but something did. I don't really remember what my first encounter with him was (might've been when I was playing cards during a break and he asked if he could join), but just a few days after the program began he was attached, kinda like how ducklings are with the first moving they see. I don't even know what I did to warrant that response. the only conversations I really remember having with him are the ones where he'd complain to me about problems he was having, which is how I found out that this literal child was really sleep deprived. he apparently had really bad insomnia and would rarely sleep for more than 6 hours, to which I was like "?????????". he then elaborated and said "I share a room with my two siblings and they're really loud", which is still very ?????????. at one point I asked if he'd tried any kind of sleeping meds or anything else to help him sleep, and his response made it seem that he probably didn't even know those were a thing. I was really lost on what to say in 99% of those conversations, and because I also Am Have Autism™ I'd often end up talking about any similar issues I had, which were probably what made him get more attached to me because, well, if I'd found someone I could really relate to as a kid then I'd have gotten attached too. he overall just also seemed really lonely, and maybe I'm projecting but it didn't seem like he'd ever really related to anyone before. so I tried to keep him company and actually listen to him when he talked, and that seemed to genuinely make him feel better. looking back, I probably should've done more, like pried further, or brought things up to the administrators because maybe there was more going on in his life or something, but I was too lost and confused for that. I'm already really bad at existing in social situations, so suddenly and unexpectedly having to deal with a pretty concerning kid made me completely lost on what to do. also, you know, I was really, really unqualified for that. I agreed to help some kids out with math and science, not end up becoming some kind of mentor figure for a small child. so I tried to deal with things the best I could. I offered whatever advice I had, but mostly I just listened and occasionally brought up snippets of my own life in response, which must've been really important for him to have because society is notorious for not treating kids like people, and so that must've been nearly life changing for him. at the end of the two weeks of the program, he brought me a card that said (and I quote) "Hags, Sam. PS your sleepy and tortured friend". I think I gave him a little note in return, but I have no idea what I wrote. and that's the end. I never heard from this kid again. and I don't think I'll ever find out what was really going on his life. I now regret not doing more to help, but it's too late to go back. I never even learned the kid's full name. this story is pretty bleak, but it's the first thing I thought of

tl;dr: I was invited to TA at a STEM summer program, but while there some sad and tired kid latched onto me like a duckling (which I was completely unprepared and unqualified for), so I went "uh???????????" and kinda accidentally and unintentionally "adopted" him for two weeks

i’ve been worrying lately about going home for the summer for a variety of reasons.  last summer was pretty shitty for me, and some of the factors that made it miserable will be gone, but a lot of them won’t.  in particular living with my mom for an extended period of time is somewhat maddening even though they are slightly more welcoming to “hey can i go to [x place] for [y period of time]” than they were when i was in high school.  (especially if it’s like, “i’m going to the yarn store because i’m out of white Caron Simply Soft” or “how about i go get some groceries” and not “i’m going to the library to hang out for five hours, see you never”.)  

also, Gender Shit (TM) is as bad as ever.  i’m getting tired of not binding for the Entire Summer (even though i only bind occasionally here) so i’m probably going to just like.  take a binder or two to california and only wear them on days when i’m feeling Up To Confrontation.  also i don’t expect the (microscopic) gains made on the misgendering front last summer will have persisted for the duration i was away so that will have to be fought over again.  etc, etc.  gender was a mistake.  

but like, despite all this shit which i quite reasonably believe will be deeply frustrating/miserable/annoying, i am nevertheless pretty excited to be going home for the summer!  lately i haven’t been homesick exactly, but i really miss my parents and my cat and all my robotics friends and The Mountains and things like that.  i’m excited to hang out with my parents.  i’m excited to do some baking and work on some robots and build some legos and all sorts of other shit i’ve been too hosed to even contemplate.  (i do bake here sometimes but (a) i don’t usually have an hour to blow on meringues or whatever and (b) my parents’ kitchen is just..  SO much more pleasant to work in.  like, they have a stand mixer and a ton of equipment and working lights in the kitchen and everything’s CLEAN.  here at east campus we have the occasional cockroach and one of the ovens doesn’t have a door handle.)  

(also i’m REALLY excited for my internship which is going to be the polar opposite of google in many ways.  for those who weren’t around for my sad internshipblogging last summer i didn’t really have what you would call a good time at google, but this summer i’ll be working at a really interesting tiny robotics startup with a bunch of people i already know/am friends with and my project will be Actually Interesting as opposed to like, ads.)  

also also when i’m at home i get to have Car Access, which is just. SO good.  like driving sucks and cars suck and public transit is Good, but also, i am chronically fatigued and i’m basically Drained For The Day if i have to like walk to the grocery store or whatever.  when i have A Car i can just... go do things without having to carefully manage my energy.  last summer i was feeling stir crazy one day so i went to whole foods and bought a bunch of groceries and then i got home and i was like OH MY GOD I STILL HAVE ENERGY.  (this is why i always take the T to central now to get groceries.  like, yes it IS a stupidly short distance, but it is FUCKING WORTH IT because i can actually do homework later instead of laying about in puddle format.)  

anyway!  i’m looking forward to the summer, Despite The Odds!  hopefully this feeling will last me more than a month into the actual summer

私はここにいるから: Because I Am Here

It’s been a Weekend.

Not quite a Weekend (tm), but a Weekend nevertheless. Here is why:

Friday began as expected, with class in the morning and a graduation ceremony in the afternoon, followed by a lunch break. This class was my last with this particular teacher (who I love very much!) and following, two of my classmates graduated. Then, one of my other classmates figured out what day he was leaving, and following, three of my classmates graduated. Our teacher attended and, despite the many iterations of the exact same ceremony he has surely seen before, beamed with pride as if it were his very first and very last. I wonder how he stands it, seeing the endless cycle of students float by in their temporary orbits, caught in the gravity of a dream, only to escape with a bit of his heart tearing free. I wonder, often.

In the afternoon, students received yukata and instructions on how to wear them properly. One of the other interns and I (the one who is my Fated Rival because we both make puns, and I am better at the claw game than he is, but he refuses to allow me this victory) went to the evening’s fireworks site early and spread an enormous tarp down in the very front. We promised those nearby that over forty students were coming: it was not only he and I who were there to see the fireworks. They were skeptical, but accepting. Fated Rival and I worked on homework for a while, discussed our dreams and futures, and then went to a horrifically-overcrowded conbini for snacks in lieu of dinner. There was an overlarge and painfully obvious phallus spray-painted on the underside of the bridge directly to one side of our tarp, but neither of us felt the need to bring it up. (I learned later that he hadn’t noticed. How was it not the first thing he noticed?)

The students arrived later in the evening, when the sun began to set, and everyone made themselves comfortable in their traditional finery. They were lovely, and I told them as much as I could. I discussed literature education with some lovely fellows from the UK, and as the sky grew dark, the fireworks began.

I’m from the US, you know? Fireworks are, like many other appropriated novelties such as tacos and pizza, our thing. But these fireworks were the most spectacular show I’ve ever seen. It lasted well over an hour, with each segment having its own specifically-designated theme. My favorite was “spring garden”, which featured pink and periwinkle-colored bursts. The sky became so clouded with smoke that the grand finale was all but shrouded in mystery. Spectators are allowed much closer to the fireworks than they are in the US, so my eyes watered. I thought about the world my companions came from, how I had talked with one of the other staff members about how far she’s come since she began studying Japanese, and how happiness comes in many different shapes. “Happiness” is this elusive thing I’ve romanticized, I suppose, what I’ve prioritized above all else, be it divided among the shapes of people and studies and occupations as it always has been-- I’ve wanted it. I don’t know if I’ve ever had it, or ever will, but it will always be my fate and my dream. I thought about how I’ve been scared here, I’ve been sad here, and being here has forced me to confront and begin to unwind every single thing that I dislike most about myself, and how there just might be happiness here. My eyes began to run, and I pretended it was the smoke.

The city rose and dispersed following the show, and each intern took a group of students back to the station, charged with their safety and boarding of the proper train. It worked-- mostly. It was scary. The station was filled to bursting with people in a way I had never seen before, anywhere. What fallout from a dream, going from the bursting periwinkle happiness to the slow grind of bodies and the rising vapor of sweat. It was Okurayama again, but in the dark, then in the bright white light of the train, then the dark again, and I could barely see. Everyone made it. I fell asleep immediately upon entering my room, and had to pull myself fully onto my bed only after sleeping for a few hours.

Then, I rose, and did it again-- this time we were off to the Ushio festival in Otaru, a beautiful seaside town cut by a canal, like some early-European dream. “Welcome to Venice,” one of the other interns jokingly greeted us. It’s a gorgeous, touristy, bustling sort of town. I kept thinking that if I could choose, I would want to live in a place like Otaru. It felt like the home I’ve began to miss again with increasingly urgent ache. The main street leads straight to the ocean port, and swings in blurred boundaries of bright-pink lanterns. Music and the smell of fried food wafted into the air. Lines of perfectly-synchronized dancers in kimono made their procession through the streets, steadily chasing a pointy-nosed tengu to the beat of a drum. It was mesmerizing. I took my group of students and we went on our way.

(I had yakitori and yakisoba, then coffee ice cream. Each one was life-changing in its own way.)

We went sightseeing at gift shops that specialized in blown glass, and took pictures with the town mascot. We filmed a bit of dance by the canal for the school promotional video. It was horrifically hot, but thankfully, Japanese sunscreen is even more powerful than what I have in the US. (My burn is, tragically, from my short stroll today.)

It was stressful, to say the least. Being responsible for any group of people in such a crowded environment does not bode well for a naturally anxious individual, so by the end of the day, I was heat-exhausted and smilingly manic. I was overjoyed to go home, sit in my bed, watch some American youtube and again, pass out almost immediately.

Today? I went for a stroll to JR Tower, looked around the shops a little, bought myself a delicious key lime pie thing from Japanese Starbucks (WONDERFUL) and then settled in to study, and ended up becoming fast friends with my new housemate, who is also an English teacher, but from Russia! I tried some of her Russian tea and had a conbini pasta dinner. I’m tired. I’m happy.

It was a Weekend, and I feel the weight of it in my bones, the steady percolating of every second in three days. I think of the pressing heat in my head and the bursting fireworks in my stomach. My heart drifts somewhere in-between.

And I keep returning to those moments, thinking of how everything is overcomplicated and dirtied and sad, how I dearly want happiness but have always thought of myself as someone who will never have it, happiness is for other people, people from other worlds who don’t see it like I do-- and wonder why I’ve never seen fireworks quite like 花火 before, why it’s a bursting feeling like sadness and joy all at once. Thinking that perhaps that feeling is what brought me here in the first place.

Because I am here,

that is why.