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s0fter-sin · 19 days

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it’s the sound that tips him off.

it’s late, half-past hell by his last count, and mactavish knows there shouldn’t be a single soul in the showers this time of night. though he’s sure if he asked, he’d be told a soul isn’t in there.

just a ghost.

he almost chokes on the thick steam filling the locker room; humid and hazy and the perfect cover. or it would be, if the man collapsed in the far stall cared about hiding.

mactavish hates himself a little for the low sigh that falls from his lips. he wishes he wasn't so disappointed; that the promises he's heard over and over and watched be broken as many times hadn't wedged their way into his heart and convinced him that maybe, maybe this could be the time it sticks.

he doesn't know what's worse; the disappointment or the lack of surprise.

he holds his breath through the steam and leans over the limp body; stinging hot water hitting his back, instantly soaking through his clothes and already starting to burn. he flicks the tap enough to take the bulk of the heat out and straightens; a groan startling out of the man beneath him at the sudden lash of tepid water.

mactavish crouches, knees clicking and hooks a hand under his bicep to pull him up straight against the wall. if there was any vomit on his skin, it's been washed away by the pelting stream and he supposes he can count himself lucky for that. he tilts his limp head back and slips his fingers into his mouth; holding down his tongue and ignores the way it lazily jolts under his fingers to check his airway.

clear.

another small victory.

mactavish pulls his fingers out and cups his chin, keeping him tilted up and moves in the way of the water again so he can pull at his eyelid.

the eye he's met with is cloudy, so dilated there's hardly a ring of blue left.

he sighs again; hand falling away and letting his eye fall shut. "god damnit, riley."

riley moans, all his weight resting on the hand holding his jaw.

"aye, 'm talking ‘bout you," he grunts tiredly.

he lets riley's head fall forward to grab his arm, pulling him away from the wall to sit behind him; propping his body up against his chest. he leans his head back over his shoulder, keeping his face out of the water and his airway open just in case he hasn't actually finished throwing up.

he takes the rag riley'd half-managed to soap up and mechanically runs it over him; cataloguing new bruises and cuts and checking if the old ones are healing. sickly yellow fingerprints ring his hips, red splotches paint his ribs; too new to have settled into the deep purple he knows they’ll become.

riley slowly makes more noise as he rubs life into his body; still lying limp against his front but his head's starting to roll restlessly on his shoulder. he swipes between his legs and carefully doesn't think a single thing about what he finds.

"sean?" he rasps and mactavish's hand stills; eyes falling shut. he bites his check, hand clenching around the rag tight enough to shake and breathes hard out his nose.

he doesn't say a word, just forces himself to go back to cleaning.

he's not sure what would come out of his mouth if he did.

riley isn't conscious enough to hear him anyway.

he runs his fingers over his inner elbows for tracks and manages to muster some relief when he doesn't find any. seems to be a pill and booze night; far from the worst condition he's found him in.

he rinses him off, running a curtesy hand over his shaved head only for it to fall back to his jaw; his thumb stroking over the thick scar carved into his cheek.

"you gotta stop doin' this," he whispers.

he isn’t sure if he’s talking to riley or himself.

mactavish gathers up riley's too-light body into his arms and turns off the shower. his head lolls into his throat and he throws a towel over his dripping body and another over his shoulder. it doesn't stop him from tracking water all the way to his quarters but he'd like to see someone try to put in a complaint about it.

he lays out the other towel on the bed and sets riley down; moving his body into the recovery position in an all-too familiar routine. he dries him enough that he won't soak the covers as he pulls them up to his chest and kicks the waste bin within grabbing distance of the bed.

he goes to pull off his sodden clothes when a different noise makes him freeze.

a low sniffle.

mactavish slowly turns back to the bed to find riley's eyes squinting open; glazed with tears as he kneads at the covers.

he stares at him for a moment as he looks around the room and those hazy eyes lock on him for the first time. "cap'n?"

he swallows. "aye; s'just me, riley."

his hand pokes out from under the covers and for all the promises he's made himself - all the “never again”s and “this is the last time”s - at the end of the day, he's weak.

he sits on the side of the bed and takes riley's hand in his; already so cold after nearly boiling himself alive.

"y' mad a' me?" he sniffs.

mactavish runs his tongue over his lip and slowly shakes his head. "no, i'm not mad at you."

"prom'se?" he pushes.

he reaches out and caresses his temple with his thumb. his hand almost covers his head and it cuts like a knife to remember just how small riley is. "aye," he says, hushed. "i promise."

riley's eyes fall shut, voicelessly murmuring 'promise’ to himself over and over.

"I’ll ge’ bett'r," he slurs and between one breath and the next, he's out.

mactavish sighs, running his hand in a final pass over his head and stares at a face that looks so much younger in sleep; bruised and sallow skin hidden in the shadows. "i know you will."

he presses a slow kiss to his forehead, shutting his eyes against the grief that wells in his heart and gets up to pull a chair over to the bed; settling in for another long night's vigil of watching his broken lieutenant sleep, ready to tilt him over if he throws up, eyes locked on the slow rise and fall of his chest fearing tonight may finally be the time it stops.

#drug use #tw drugs #guess whos back on her 09 shit #its me bb!!!#anyway 09 ghost who’s just completely messy #if he’s not on an op then he’s at clubs drinking & taking anything he can get his hands on #mactavish knows what he gets up to and hates it #hates watching him destroy himself stumbling back to base with no memory of what - or who - he’s done #hates seeing him prod at bruises knowing he has no idea where they came from #mactavish is more pissed that whoever riley was with just left him like that and that riley is totally fine with it happening #more than once he's found him almost od'ing half passed out in his room or the showers #and every time riley will slur out apologies and promises mactavish knows better to believe #riley knows how much it hurts mactavish to see him like this but its just so painful to live in his head #he can’t help but try and get out of it the only way he knows how #this is pre relationship btw just to make it all hurt a little more #ghost never remembers how he ends up back in his own bed after a bender #the whole point of them is to forget #he’ll end up missing days at a time and never question what happened to him in the meantime #if he thinks hard enough sometimes he can pick up flashes of a familiar voice rasping in his ear and big hands moving his body #but it’s hard for him to believe they’re anymore than drug induced hallucinations of what he really wants #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #talk to me ghost #we’re a team. ghost team #09 soapghost #09 ghoap #soapghost #john soap mactavish #soap cod #simon ghost riley #ghost cod

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ruporas · 1 year

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revisiting a memory

#kingdom hearts #roxas #roxas kh #cue dearly beloved #a tune i'll never forget for the rest of my life actually #i could Overshare so much of my memories about kh in these tags but i think i will refrain #its so embarrassing but.#yeah. im just posting some kh work ive done awhile back... there was a particular time during the summer #where i was just rereading the 358/2 days novel #and roxas has always shined as a character to me. and most people who got obsessed over kh2 the moment it came out #and maybe its just me who when rereading the 358/2 novel got particularly focused on the perspective of axel and xion's bc it wasnt as #explored in game but #seeing roxas' actions and emotions pour through from another person's lens #like axel's and xion's. man. he's just so genuine and always has been and it's so clear the one thing he wants :(#im RAMBLING again but i love kh #anyway #gk posting soon #ruporas art

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mihrunnisasultans · 1 year

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Have you ever thought what he felt that night when executioners woke him up and wrapped a rope around his neck? And you, what did you feel, brother? What did you feel, sleeping next to his room? (...) Do you remember what you told me? Your pain will pass, you will forget. You will feel better. A lot of time passed, brother. But I couldn’t recover. And trust me you won’t either; you will slowly burn away just as I did. Hürrem won’t even have a grave. Just like Ibrahim.

Hatice + roasting Suleiman to his face (and to others)

Happy Birthday Plami! @mc-critical

#hatice sultan #perioddramaedit #mcedit #magnificent century #weloveperioddrama #perioddramasource #muhteşemyüzyıl #here we go love #the seris of roasting continues #and it is heartbreaking #when ibrahim died hatice did not only lose a husband #but also a brother with whom she earlier had a close relationship #and only later they shortly reconnected because when she saw him suffering she could in a way connect with him #should I even stress how for all his lecturing on how she must forget and get well #he was always prioritizing himself #because he himself wanted to forget and move on #this is why memories of ibrahim and hatice's suffering hurt HIM first and foremost #he never truly emphatized #it was about his own ass and his suffering caused by his conscience #and him not being able to sleep bc of his guilty conscience #when he decided if he executes ibrahim #while he sleeps it is not breaking his promise #or rather legal edict pls #is poetic karma #I am rabling now but I know you don't mind #love ya sm #suly's version get a grip finally and you won't have depression #I s2g this guy

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windowsillbells · 1 year

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hi zhao yunlan is just as crazy and obsessed (and also scared angry) about shen wei as shen wei is about him

#guardian novel favourite quotes #guardian #guardian novel #zhao yunlan #weilan #hey let's never forget this please #yunlan is not a baby #yunlan has only been tricked by shen wei's deceit ONCE about the holy tree's memories #and it was because he intentionally chose to be deceived #because he didn't want to doubt shen wei #but he instantly recognizes the memories are fake #so even then it was a half success on shen wei's part #AND #yunlan isn't a healthy lover #there's a reason he never had a stable relationship #and it's not unintentional on his part #he knows how he is and he doesn't let it show #the only reason he shows this part of him to shen wei #is because he has seen shen wei acting like this towards him #so he knows shen wei can understand #and shen wei.... understands...#just as much as zhao yunlan understands.#that's why they don't ever need to speak about it. because they Know #creepy possessive stalker x creepy possessive stalker rights <3 #never let people convince you yunlan is able of healthy boundaries #just because he knows what a healthy relationship is it doesn't mean he wants it or isable to have it #especially when it's about shen wei

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quirkle2 · 1 month

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the angst in your zombie au bREAKS MY HEART INTO PIECES (I LOVE IT VERY MUCH)

okay, okay, so!! if the kagebros got separated from reigen and teru when mob is still fine, i imagine that their reunion would be hEARTWRENCHING also, i'm a bit curious, would mob still be able to recognize teru and reigen? or would he thought about them as strangers?

(tbh, following your lore, i imagine mob would act a similarly like nezuko from demon slayer? but instead of little hums, his zombie sounds would more like babbling and incoherent mumbles :"D)

the reunion is fuckin AWFUL man it's SO gut-wrenching. both reigen and teru feared this for Months while looking for the brothers; pretty much the worst case scenario was that mob or ritsu or Both turned—a lot of humans prefer death over being a zombie any day, so the idea of ritsu or mob having to go through that and wander around aimlessly until starvation or smth else gets them,,,

it hurts them so much to think about. teru forces himself not to dwell on it and he's pretty good at that but reigen thinks abt it a lot and he's honestly not sure what scenario is worse. best case is that they're both alive and unturned, obviously, but what's the worst case? you'd think it's both of them getting killed, or turning, but reigen also knows that if One of them got killed/turned, the other would probably lose their mind, especially if they had to watch. the fact that they're kids makes this all three times worse and reigen has to act like he's Not worrying himself sick over the brothers while he tries to keep teru in high spirits

the reunion itself is rly fuckin gut-wrenching for them. they see mob from afar, wandered off just a bit from ritsu and tome who are just around the bend looting a place, and they book it bc ofc they do, it's mob!! but then they see how pale he is, and when he turns around they don't see that light in his eyes that's usually there and the red is dulled and dead looking,, teru almost moves in for a hug before he realizes mob looks vastly different when he Rly takes him in, and mob doesn't rly react too much besides staring at them blankly. the obvious answer is almost too horrifying to even consider, so it takes them a minute to rly,,realize what's going on

tome comes around the bend and shouts, cuz when humans and zombies mix it's usually guns pointed at zombie heads. ritsu comes running out after her and when he sees reigen and teru his thoughts go, in order: holy shit is that reigen and tero ohmygod oh my god they're alive they're alive ohmy god i could fucking cry, and ohmy god they see shige ohno oh no oh no

ritsu sounds like a lunatic when he pulls mob away from them on instinct and says that he's safe to be around and that he's "still him" and he's "not gone" and he's very aware of that. he's very, intimately aware that he sounds fuckin crazy, bc ofc he does, this is what all the crazy people in zombie movies sound like. but he doesn't care, he doesn't care if reigen or teru dismiss him as nuts—he has to make them understand that his brother is still in there somewhere

and yeah, they both kinda think that ritsu's lost his marbles a little bit, but while teru is focused on that and the fact that mob doesn't look like he's rly tuned into Anything that's happening rn, reigen is a bit more focused on the fact that both ritsu and mob look awful? they're both very skinny and very dirty, obviously barely scraping by. they're cut up and ritsu's jacket is basically blood and dirt with a little bit of green fabric mixed in. and just by the look in ritsu's eyes, reigen can tell, man ... reigen can tell ritsu is like.not okay at this point he's kinda lost it.

i think the most painful thing about this whole reunion in general is that later that night, when reigen and teru r finally like ok we get it he's,, he's still mob. we believe you (they want to believe him... [they Do believe him, later, wholeheartedly]) and they settle down someplace safe, teru asks how long mob's been like this. and ritsu has to answer "since we got separated" and they both have that to stew over while everybody else sleeps

they realize that ritsu likely watched mob turn, watched the entire process, and that process takes a long time. it's at least a week of deteriorating motor functions and cognitive skill, and the fact that ritsu stayed for that to keep mob company is .ough. and it doesn't end there bc ritsu obviously stayed after that too

given how these things usually go, ritsu probably did think about killing mob. it probably did cross his mind, bc that's basically what everybody's been told to do. kill them before they have a chance to do any more damage. and it's obvious that ritsu did not have it in him

ritsu not only did not have it in him to kill him, he didn't even have it in him to leave him there. the kid fucking took him with him. a zombie. and he's somehow made it work, for months. and the next few days are filled with watching him still treat mob like a brother and take care of him and gently steer him away from a bird he tries to follow down the wrong street.ritsu is as gentle and kind as he's ever been with his brother. and even tho they're both hungry and tired and barely making it, ritsu is doing a rly good job taking care of mob with what he's been given

the kid obviously wholeheartedly believes in a cure and that mob is still There. he's gone through the trouble to take care of him, and the grief of continuously seeing a loved one that many would consider effectively dead, to get him that cure. to get him his brother back. and mob doesn't seem to be in any pain or distress, so reigen and teru think that this path ritsu has followed is probably infinitely kinder than the mercy kill method they've been taught to do

i think they have a new respect for ritsu, after that reunion

#qktalks #anon #zombie au #and also yes!! mob Would indeed recognize them and not attack them #i've never seen demon slayer but im assuming ur talking abt the main character's ??little sister?? smth like that #but yes i adore the idea of mob saying rly weird incoherent sentences that Almost sound like real words but like slightly to the left #bein a zombie rewires ur brain completely man .his mind is struggling a lot to say what it wants to say #it takes mob a moment to rly catch onto who's in front of him during the reunion but when he does realize there Is recognition in his eyes #fun fact; if u hug zombie mob muscle memory kicks in and he hugs back!#reigen and teru don't find this out until a few days later. they're a bit.. scared of him snapping at them for a while #but once they see that mob never once snaps at ritsu Or tome they're a little more willing to get near him and touch him #teru finally hugs mob and mob hugs back and it makes teru cry VGEAYEAV #(ritsu has hugged zombie mob enough to where now mob leans into his hugs.just giving u smth to sob over)#still related to the reunion but focusing more on ritsu:#after they reunite reigen notices that ritsu has a lot more..authority in his tone. he's a lot more comfortable taking charge #but he also notices that ritsu looks Exhausted and for a while he has trouble relinquishing the lead role to reigen aka the only adult #and it's entirely bc ritsu is just so used to doing things on his own now that he Forgets he has people to lean on #so it takes a bit for him to remember he has an adult to take care of him now #bro definitely overworks himself a lot in his haste to take care of mob :(#ritsu eventually lets himself lean on reigen when he's tired #poor kid melts into that kind of care after so long of not having that and being the sole provider for him and mob #when tome came around it got easier. but that also meant it was another mouth to feed so.only a little bit easier </3

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good-beanswrites · 5 months

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Lights, Camera, Sing Your Sins Archive 🎥

This is just so I can reference au things and keep details organized lol, I'll edit this post and try to keep it updated

Original Post/fic link

Original Art (by waivyjellyfish)

Extra Thoughts

Song Ask

Song Drabble

Scripted Harm Ask 1

Scripted Harm Ask 2

Scripted Harm Ask 3

Scripted Harm Drabble

Movie Night Ask 1

Movie Night Ask 2

Cover Song Ask 1

Cover Song Ask 2

Misc Thoughts Ask

MV Es Ask

Es/Jailbreak Team Ask 1

Es/Jailbreak Team Ask 2

Kazui Makeup Ask

Kazui Makeup Drabble

Kotoko Thumbnail Drabble

Hair Growth Ask

Yuno fic "Fell and Found Out" (by amugoffandoms)

#thank you everyone for such incredible ideas #i never get this deep into aus so its been a ton of to collaborate on so many ideas and details :D #but i also realized the posts were getting spread out and i wanted a quick way to find things given my challenged memory 😅#there were a few other posts just having fun chatting :) i didnt forget about them -- i was just collecting info-related ones #i almost dont feel as bad for not writing more fic looking at all the extra stuff i have here lol #and once again if you make au content you are morally obligated to tell me so I can SEE >:3 #lights camera sing your sins #milgram

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hephaestuscrew · 1 year

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The most dramatic action that Minkowski takes towards Eiffel in the finale (sending him back in the Sol) is going against Eiffel's choices in an attempt to prevent him coming to harm. In contrast, the most dramatic action that Hera takes towards Eiffel in the finale (the memory-wipe) is causing him to come to harm in order to enact a choice that he's made.

In a sense, these actions are conceptual opposites. But they are both taken with love and respect for Eiffel. They are both extremely selfless actions which Minkowski and Hera find painful to take.

They are also both actions which could be considered to be harming Eiffel. Both of these actions involve doing something to Eiffel that Minkowski/Hera would hate to have done to them. And both of those actions are taken with the awareness that they are fairly likely to result in losing Eiffel in a sense (either because he's headed back to Earth while Minkowski is on the Hephaestus, or because he's losing part of what makes him him). That's part of what makes those acts painful and complicated and significant.

Minkowski and Hera both care about Eiffel so deeply, and their care often expresses itself in contrasting ways because they are very different people. The finale emphasises these different manifestations of their care. Love can be 'I will do whatever I can to keep you safe, even when that's not what you want'. Love can also be 'I will support the choices that you make to bring about our common goal, even when that causes you harm'. The way Minkowski's care for Eiffel manifests is tied up in her sense of responsibility for her crew's safety. The way Hera's care for Eiffel manifests is linked to how she's had to fight for her own autonomy.

Neither of their actions in the finale are perfect or typical expressions of love, but in their very different ways, they both act with love, and that's important to me.

#wolf 359 #There's more to say about this cos it's v complicated but I don't want this to keep sitting in my drafts #Although I have immense sympathy for Minkowski's choice #and I love the motivations that underlie it #I do think she wrongs Eiffel in a sense by trying to send him back against his will #whereas I don't think Hera wrongs Eiffel by causing him to lose his memories #which would be a strange thought without the context #but that's just it I guess #All the relationships in this show are so specific to those particular people and the dynamics between them #That's what I'm really trying to say here #Of course Minkowski's love for Eiffel looks different to Hera's love for Eiffel #There's no perfect simple way for their affection to manifest in the situations they are in #Minkowski loves him and so she goes behind his back to protect him knowing she might never see him again #Hera loves him and so she supports his plan (once she's checked if he's sure) and so she causes him to forget her 😭#Love as accepting loss in order to protect the loved one #Vs Love as accepting loss in order to respect the decision of the loved one #w359 #renee minkowski #hera w359 #the empty man posteth #w359 spoilers #wolf 359 spoilers #renée minkowski

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queerprayers · 1 year

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Here in the US, on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, as we watch countless people de-radicalize and water down Rev. King's politics, we also watch the same thing happen to his religion. The Reverend was a preacher, first and fundamentally, and he approached all his political actions as a Christian. I wanted to encourage you today to honor both his political and religious legacy, as they go hand in hand.

Wikipedia's list of his sermons and speeches (includes short summaries and links)

the Stanford King Institute has many texts of his sermons

Archive.org has many of his books available to check out

#i will never forget my grandfather's memory. of walking down the street that day in the deep south and asking what was the matter.#and every black person's eyes as they told him 'the reverend's been shot'#that there could only be one reverend they meant. and how much he was mourned #my grandfather always wanted to become a preacher and knew then that it mattered. so much that people killed over it #NOT to make today abt a random white person but it is a personal connection so I thought I'd share

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vigilskeep · 4 months

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What's current Morghaine's backstory? How did they end up hunting mages?

instead of the original morghaine’s archfey warlock patron, the questionable motherly figure in morghaine’s life was their high elf parent, from an influential family of morally dubious enchantment wizards. their mother claimed to be different from the rest, and perhaps she was... but with their memory repeatedly modified to keep them from leaving the “safety” of their home for the dangerous outside world, morghaine wouldn’t even know. after their stumbling attempts at wizardry summoned a familiar who led them on an escape, a young morghaine found themself in the middle of a baldur’s gate they didn’t even recognise, with nothing but a slowly clearing head and the need to get out.

morghaine might never have had quite their family’s gift for the arcane, but they learned enough about casters to know how to stop one in their tracks. plenty of mercenary bands know exactly the standoffish, intimidating gloomstalker to call when the fight ahead involves someone with a few too many magical tricks up their sleeve. morghaine always figured it was good training for the hunt ahead. they might not remember much, but they remember enough to know that one day, their family needs to be stopped

#its extremely half baked im playing it by ear as i go but this is the gist #morghaine perilous #essentially their mother did on some level want to be different #but grief for morghaine’s father sent her tumbling right down that slippery slope #what’s a few modify memorys to keep terror from your child’s mind. to keep them innocent for as long as possible.#to make sure the family’s secrets don’t weigh them down. to keep them safe. to stop them from turning against you when you’re all they have #to stop them from going out into the big dangerous world. to make sure you never lose them like you lost their father #to make them forget what the family asked you to do in exchange for their help with this.#to make them forget they loved the sight of the sea

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puppyeared · 5 months

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ok there are flop posts and its like. ok maybe it was ahead of its time. maybe my genius is untapped. but commenting a one liner on a mutuals post and u dont get a laugh? you can never come back from that. just roll me into a ditch

#AND IF U CANT DELETE IT BEFORE THEY SEE IT U HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE SHAME #i was in the shower and i suddenly remembered smth very embarassing that i commented at 3AM months ago and wanted to die #i think i deleted it. i hope to god i deleted it i dont want that burned into someones memory. i dont even want it in MY memoery #if i add a funny tag and they so happen to call me out on it thats fine i love the dopamine rush when that happens actually. bc if they jus #never see it i can die in peace alright. and i can edit the tags for my own peace of mind. ITS OPTIONAL TO INTERACT WITH #but like the confidence that comes with adding something in the comments.right out in the open where everyone can see it #its like staring the devil right in the eye and taking a fat piss waiting for him to make the next move #SAME WITH SENDING AN ASK OFF ANON #maybe its the social anxiety and/or shyness. or maybe ppl just forget to respond bc.. i do that all the time... bleg #fully aware that im saying all of this on the 'we encourage user interaction that we invented new ways of interacting' site. but still #yapping

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ecoamerica · 25 days

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

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thealatvs · 8 months

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smiles

tldr dante’s greatest enemy has always been himself

#devil may cry #dmc #vd #verdan #spardacest #dmc dante #dmc vergil #dante devil may cry #vergil devil may cry #ofc dante knows vergil can smile but hes never been able to make it right #and boy genius dante doesnt want to admit he cant draw it #a fucked up headcanon i have is that dante gradually begins forgetting the specifics of vergils features over the years #(based of one of my ocs LOL)#pre dmc3 to dmc1 he avoided thinking about vergil including drawing him because he didnt want to dwell on his memories #he finally decided to face them sfter realizing his memories are getting blurrier and blurrier #after all hed rather rip his heart open again and again then completely lose vergil #from post dmc2 to pre dmc5 dante never drew vergils face #he has excuses but the real reason is he doesnt want to admit hes forgetting vergil #i might write a short companion piece to this one day… if i feel up to it…

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merkerlerspeaks · 4 months

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on a scale of 1-10 how silly would it be to ask folks to pray that I find a piece of jewelery I lost. It's not particularly valuable monetarily but its very precious to me and Im afraid I lost it outside of the house. I cant find it anywhere it should be. It could be in the pocket of the either the pajama pants or outside pants I wore the last day I saw it (the 19th) or it could be buried under something in my old bedroom, or it could be at my friend's moms house or somewhere between here and there. Trying not to stress over it but its just become precious too me.

#Its just one of those shark bracelets from one of those scam ocean charity sites #But I have used it as a grounding tool to help me focus when I need to get my head on straight so its been through a lot with me #a replacement just wouldn't be the same either plus I don't want to give more money to scam charities than they already get #and writing this out is helping me calm down about it #as Im writing I realize that I tend to freak out a lot when I realize that something precious is missing and can't chill out until I find i #and thinking about it. I know exactly where that stems from #not something I ever considered before but a lot of things precious to me got burned when I was little #and at one point I repressed the memory and would search for things that got burned up for hours because I had no idea where they went #but yeah anyway Im gonna try to chill. It'll turn up Lord willing #Im just scared I lost it in my friends old house or somewhere between here and there and I'll never see it again #I do not like it when things like that disappear I do not like it at all #I just worry about all the possible places it could be lost forever in or where it could have gotten ruined #I also just have ADHD forgetfulness so I get paranoid I left it like in a walmart bathroom or something #I know I didn't but I have almost lost things that way before #Like even if it is just gone and lost forever I just want to know where it is #merkerler speaks #prayer request #bc I am spazzy about these things #need to be careful about it bc it mirror's some of my dad's OCD tendencies

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sunsoak · 5 months

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Why am I even considering getting a masters i hate school….

#every time I’m not in school I have such a romanticized idea of what academia is like #like im gonna be in the cafe studying so hard and reading and being so educated and smart #when in reality it’s always me crying and being depressed and missing class and cheating on assignments and writing bullshit essays at 2am.#like ok I want a masters sometimes bc I kind of like the idea of being a school counselor. but also like that means I’d have to like. focus #focus and remember things #I feel like no one talks about the problem with having a shit memory where you forget half your education…#like is it just me? I have never seen someone talk about this. is it really just me #does everyone who has terrible memory just somehow remember their education?#because I DONT….#I remember learning things but a lot of those things idk what I learned #it’s really embarrassing maybe ppl don’t talk abt it cuz it’s fucking embarrassing .

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colecassiidy · 27 days

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Runaway Turned Thief, His First Horse, and its Consequences.

Cole's first horse after the razing of his hometown is a dark bay no-spot appaloosa mare. She's built for long distance riding, and bursts of extreme speed for outrunning trouble. While she can go quite aways, there is definitely a lack of stamina in maintaining a sprint in comparison to a fully committed race horse.

He steals her from two drug mulers who had been camping out in the wilderness. This is where he ends up with most of his supplies that he keeps with him 'til Deadlock, including a second revolver to go with his first, a analog hunting rifle that he uses extensively for hunting and self-sustenance, and dressing knives. (Before then, he had a bed roll that was on its way out, carried in a ragged pack, a multi-tool, a foldable knife, and a water bladder; one extra set of clothes. Having a horse allowed him to pack greater inventory, travel further, and carry more quality of life items such as a wire set to cook over fires, rope, etc. Etc. In the case of meeting @/quick-drawn, she also allowed him to pack game to bring back home.)

He is on the verge of becoming 12, having left the orphanages some months prior (having been inducted into the system at 11 and spending time being tossed around for about 6-8 months). The whole debacle is a bit of a shit show with him waiting for the dark of night, pressed flat to the ground on his stomach amidst the cover of large rock and sage bush rooting between the crevices. He is, at this point, learning to be a little more clever with his thefts, scoping out the individuals, the layout of the camp (but fails at this time to consider escape plans, terrain.)

Sky turns indigo, then a void of black fractured by the salt-scatter of stars. Fire's died out to embers and the men retire to their tents. Cole scrapes himself up to his feet, scurries down the path tied between hasty and careful and rifles through their supplies like a shambling animal that's wandered someplace it don't belong. He ransacks ammunitions, the aforementioned firearms, some cans of food and a flask engorged with gin, amongst an assortment of other things; gathers and piles them up in the saddle bags on the Appaloosa.

Men start rousing as he's on the tail end of packing - the one stirring with a need to take a piss - and the little heist becomes a smash-and-grab operation where he's cutting the reins with a knife and blasting down the mountainside as they start yelling and searching for their firearms.

Later on, when it's deemably safe and he's lost them, he rummages through her saddle bags and finds papers reading Honeysuckle and his face scrunches up sour. Amber-brown eyes dart up from crinkled black print to the dark pits of the horse's. "Y'don't seem like a Honeysuckle."

He doesn't know why, but the name Maria falls off his tongue much easier. Fits her features more, he thinks. (It is, absolutely, a lapse back into his religious roots. Finding the name like a prayer, which he utters in both thanks and apology. Most of all, the significance just falls down to lyrics of Plastic Jesus: Goin' 90 I ain't scary, 'cos I got the Virgin Mary assurin' me I won't go to hell.)

She's a playful mare, likes to 'sneak up' on him while he's turned away despite the very obvious noise of her shoes hitting the ground. Likes to nuzzle her head into his neck, or knock into his back, set his hat off-kilter. Loves hoofing at creek/river/brook water - though that's a learned habit when he decided to splash at her on a non-eventful, idyllic day at a lakeside shore. Steady girl - he'll call her lady, sometimes. There are days where he'll share a beer with her, too.

He is somewhere in the throes of 13 when he unfortunately re-crosses paths with his victims. It's serendipity on their end, an accidental run-in out in the wilderness near an ol' gutted hunting lodge. The owners recognize Honeysuckle and they sneak up on him like he'd done with them, except instead of running off with a horse and materials, they put a gun to him and have him flag up his hands. They don't know what to do with him (there's an additional man to the original duo) and they murmur amongst themselves in Spanish after beating him to the ground and tying him up; they converse like this thinking the boy can't understand.

There's not a lot going for them to toss him towards a lawman; not a lot of pretty coin for a petty thief, not in these days where the economy and infrastructure's been starved out to a post-war drought. One of them suggests killing him out back. There's nothing really stopping them, and they could re-collect their stolen goods and continue on their way. They'd lost money because of the kid's stunt, lost out on 50% of what they could mule with only 1 horse instead of two.

Third man finally says, Sell him. Some place beyond the border where English is just a rumored language spoken only on tv sets. Labor camps need more hands. Sold men are cheaper than the free ones. He gets his reckoning, we make-up our money and then some.

In English, they tell him that in ancient times the law would have his hands severed from the wrists for theft and they knot up the binds on his hands aggressively tight to prove the point.

And then they'd travelled South, days piling into days. The ribbed rope would gnaw the skin raw, chafing towards bone like it's trying to eat him alive, and the entire thing leaves his wrists risking sepsis and scars; bloody, mangled.

they're stopped by in some post-war abandoned location along the way to rest that's filled with rusty tools and broken beer bottles. Some sort of logging warehouse. Cole finds a shitty piece of glass on a countertop and palms it; clenches his hands around it even when it threatens to nip cuts and draw blood. The men get ready for bed. Cole starts sawing at rope fibers. One of the men check up on him while he's just about free - the binds snapping loose as he realizes something isn't quite right.

Cole doesn't know where the guns are; his hands are in too much pain to aim straight anyway. First man goes down with Cole tackling him right into exposed pipes, gritty sawblades. Commotion brings the other two out: one tries to grab him from behind, while the other moves to sling a punch to the gut. Cole kicks wildly, butts his head into the nose of the man who's got hands on him. He's dropped to the floor. His knees ache from impact but it's his wrists that are screaming and he chokes out a strangled noise of pain, blearily grabbing at a slaughtered beer bottle that he's landed right next to.

Man in front of him's had enough, is going for his gun when Cole launches up into him with the bottle in hand. The serated glass punctures cheek flesh, into an eye socket. Man screams. Cole reels the glass back and keeps jamming it back down - and his face is soaked by the gore of it. The screams stop coming, and there's a thick hand that gloves around his shoulder. By some blind, desperate instinct, his other hand has found the handle of the dead man's gun when he is swung around with a fist cracking into his jaw. The glass bottle crashes into the floor. A gunshot spears the air. A third body cripples to the floor, blood guttering from the stomach. He spits on them, staggering to his feet: hablo español, hijo de puta - ir a la mierda.

He shambles out from the building, doused in blood, brain matter, and tries to put on a brave face, but he starts breaking down and ends up mumbling in a sort of low-key hysterics to maria "im sorry, im sorry, im sorry" -- doesn't know what he's apologizing for, that he stole her, that he killed her previous owners, that he's alive. Between the adrenaline and everything crashing in all at once, it's the first time he's reduced to tears since the times before the war.

Exhausted, he falls asleep outside. Leaves the men as is and weakly cuts their horses free (too tired by it all, he doesn't think to search their pockets for money, to rifle through saddle bags before releasing their mounts.) It's a mistake, because the news will later search for the horse owners, talk about a bloody horror scene found in the stomach of a logging complex. But, until then, the next few days are of travel, trying to find a main road while his wrists are pounding hellfire.

He ends up stumbling into a gas station in the middle of bumfuck nowhere looking like road kill. The attendant is startled right out of his seat as Cole walks up to him and shoves forward a fistful of ruddy-colored bills.

His voice rattles like pennies in a rusted gutter; tinny, scraping. He croaks, "I got some money for a band-aid and some rubbin' alcohol."

Man thinks this kid's been in a motor vehicle collision, says, "Kid you're going to need a lot more than just a band-aid" as he unlatches the medical kit from the wall. He seats Cole down on a plastic foldable chair, patches him up free-of-charge to the best of his ability the way a gas station attendant can offer. Man adds in a pair of gloves to make sure the gauze don't shift around too much. Man asks questions.

Where's your parents? What happened?

Cole says war got them. That he got into an accident.

Man tries to have Cole clean up in the bathroom, says there's snacks waiting outside while he phones for the police. Cole washes up, peels off his clothes for the last set he's got, and pockets the medical supplies the man had been using. He walks off, leaving the bathroom -- just does not come back inside -- and hitches back onto Maria and starts to ride off before anyone can come.

He leaves a few crumpled dollar bills on the sink.

#Hc: youth #hc: head up in the clouds;;#Hc: history #this too has been sitting in my drafts for a fat ass minute n only like 2 ppl know the contents of it SHKDHDIA #Tldr; cole's first horse after the war's named maria and he grows up with her til deadlock #she is a long-range mare with good sprint but it's a sprint not meant to be maintained for too long #impish personality - playful - likes to sneak up behind him despite not being very sneaky #He stole her; the owners find him - it does not bode well #He has rope burn scars on his wrist that he hides with gloves for the majority of his youth #Just because they're so damn noticeable and he's not in the business of entertaining the nosey and concerned #These days he doesn't really care due to the fact that he's mottled all over -- forgets that they're there for the most part #The memory of all this is also very far away for him tbh - like he's basically forgotten abt it unless u say smthing that just Unlocks it #This is also the cause of a few lines w a thread w quick drawn:#(You stagger out of this matted in blood and flesh and feel like Death's fucked up little butcher and #you have never wanted it to rain more in your life.#God did not answer this prayer.)

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