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jenonctcity · 4 years

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My Ending - Part 3

Differences – Na Jaemin

Part of the Bad Boy Series.

Badboy!Au, Streetracer!Au

Disclaimer: This is going to be a very dark themed story, please do not read if you are triggered easily by the mentioned subjects in the warnings.

Warnings: Mentions of Suicide Attempts, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Mental Health Issues (Depression and Anxiety), Character Death, Mentions of Drug Use/Overdose, Mentions of Drug Addiction Effecting Baby After Birth.

Word Count: 8k

---

Silence ensued over the table. The gently murmuring of the people around, the latest pop song playing softly over the speaker, and the noises of cutlery hitting plates was the only thing that filled the silence. Jaemin dipped his fry into ketchup, popping it into his mouth and wiping his hand on the napkin crumpled up on the table. Jeno watched him, his eyes slightly narrowed as he sipped at his milkshake through the straw with his left hand, his newborn baby son occupying his entire right arm, peacefully asleep and blissfully unaware of the tension in the air.

“Just say what you want to say Jeno.” Jaemin rolled his eyes, fed up of the silent treatment that Jeno had been giving him ever since he’d met up with him at the diner. Everything had been going perfectly fine. Until Jaemin dropped the bomb on him that he’d proposed to you. His best friend had gone dead silent and hadn’t spoken to him for a whole five minutes, apart from thanking the waitress when their food turned up. Jeno placed his milkshake cup on the table, clearing his throat and pursing his lips.

“I just think you should have told me.” Jeno finally confessed, picking up his fork and stabbing an onion ring with it, shoving it into his mouth and turning his attention to his plate. “You know since I’m your best friend!”

“It’s not that big of a deal.” Jaemin laughed, rolling his eyes at Jeno’s pettiness. Jeno raised his eyebrows at Jaemin and gave him a stare.

“It is, you had me thinking you were just going to ask her to move in! I didn’t think you were going to ask her to marry you!” Minjun squirmed a little as Jeno’s voice got louder, the baby blue pacifier in his mouth moving as he started to suck on it in his sleep. “Sorry lil guy.” Jeno gently bounced his arm to soothe the baby, Jaemin’s eyes automatically sticking to the baby he so desperately wanted to hold.

“I hadn’t spoken to you since I’d made the decision! I bought the ring the same day I proposed, and you were in the hospital watching your son pop out!” Jeno’s silence proved to Jaemin that he was right, leading him to smirk at him. Jeno sighed and smiled softly.

“Don’t you think you’re rushing into things?” Jaemin quirked an eyebrow up at Jeno, letting out a sarcastic laugh.

“You literally had a baby with someone you’d been with less than a year.” Jeno pursed his lips in realisation, biting his bottom lip and shoving a fry in his mouth. “Exactly. Now give me that baby!” Jaemin reached his hands out across the table, making grabby hands at Minjun. Minjun had graced the world with his presence exactly a week ago, which is the same amount of time Jaemin had had the honour of calling you his fiancée. Of course you’d said yes! Why wouldn’t you? Jaemin was the man you’d been dreaming about since you had known was a relationship was! And since that moment, neither of you had been able to stop smiling, a giddy feeling sitting in the pit of your stomach whenever either of you thought about each other or your future wedding.

“No. Do her parents know yet?” Jeno picked up his milkshake and took another long sip.

“Why?” Jaemin pouted, his eyebrows falling as he let his arms fall. “And yeah, they know. They actually took it really well, but only because they like me a lot.” He smiled smugly, knowing that Jeno’s girlfriend’s parents weren’t huge fans of the man who knocked up their daughter after such a short amount of time. Jeno rolled his eyes in respond, definitely making his mind up about passing over Minjun now. Jaemin had no chance of holding his baby. “Give me the baby!”

“No, he’s mine, make your own. How about grandma?” Jaemin frowned, rolling his eyes and folding his arms over his chest in defeat.

“She’s ecstatic, she loves (Y/N) and you know she’s been bugging me about getting married since I was about fourteen.” He chuckled as he thought about his grandma’s nagging, fond memories flashing through his head whenever he thinks about her. “Seriously, pass me that baby over before I wrestle him out of your arms. Uncle Nana needs a cuddle.” Jeno rolled his eyes, but very gently passed over his pride and joy to the buzzing man across the table. Jaemin almost squealed in delight, cradling the tiny premature baby in his arms like he was holding the thinnest, most breakable piece of glass in the world. “You must be so proud Jen…” He spoke quietly, too engrossed in staring at Minjun’s delicate features to see that Jeno had quickly picked up his burger that had been untouched, biting into it fast.

“Mhm.” Jeno hummed, already used to the delay of eating his food since becoming a father even though it had only been a week. “He’s precious.” He mumbled in-between chews, swallowing the lukewarm food and smiling at the sight of his best friend holding his son, even though Jaemin had already held him plenty of times considering they live together.

“I can’t wait to play match maker with him and Jihyo.” Jaemin’s words had Jeno choking on his burger, his hand coming over his mouth to stop the food from flying across the table. He hastily swallowed and shook his head.

“Nuh uh, not happening. I’d technically be related to Renjun and that’s not something I enjoy the thought of.” Jaemin laughed at Jeno’s revelation, whispering to Minjun just loud enough so Jeno could hear.

“Ignore daddy, don’t worry, Uncle Jaemin will make it happen.” He leaned in and placed a tender kiss to Minjun’s head, hoping that in a few years’ time the roles would be reversed, and it would be Jeno holding his son whilst Minjun quizzed them about the new arrival. Jaemin was excited for the future, because for him, it was only just beginning.

---

The date had been set. Your wedding was to take place exactly a year after the night you got engaged, because you and Jaemin decided that was super romantic, and completely in character for the both of you. The past three months of engagement hadn’t been anything like you’d imagined it to be. And you were starting to get stressed, because the day was slowly creeping up on your, but you hadn’t booked or arranged anything for the big day. Which was slowly driving you up the wall. It seemed to you that every time you tried to pin Jaemin down to sort things out, he was too busy being loved up and trying to get into your panties, or he simply was too busy working on his car or racing. You could feel it building up inside of you, ready to blow like a ticking time bomb. You just didn’t expect it to explode so soon.

You’d had what you could only describe as a shit day. You had to deal with a lady at work who was somewhat difficult, and she refused to eat her dinner, which caused you stress and you knew she hadn’t eaten her lunch either and as her carer it was your responsibility to make sure she was fed. Ultimately though, if she refused to eat, you couldn’t force her. So you’d left her with everything she needed and got in your car with a heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach. You were at the end of your workday, and as you started your car you remembered that you’d promised Jeno’s and Renjun’s girlfriend that the three of you would prepare dinner for the entire family tonight. Every Friday night you all spent the evening together with the kids, and tonight you’d thought it would be good for you to prepare the food instead of ordering takeaway. You regretted that big time now. All you wanted to do was go home, put on your comfiest clothes, and curl up in Jaemin’s arms whilst you looked at stupidly priced flower arrangements. Things got worse after you ran to the supermarket to pick up ice cream for dessert, only to go back to your car to find a big dent in the rear passenger side that hadn’t been there before. You drove home with a horrible feeling in your stomach that only got worse as you let yourself into yours and Jaemin’s shared bedroom.

You had never seen Jaemin doing drugs before, you didn’t even know that he was still doing drugs, as he’d told you that he hadn’t. So your stomach dropped through the floor and sprang back up to lodge itself in your throat when you walked into the bedroom and witnessed Jaemin and Haechan snorting coke off of your bedside table. Jaemin looked up as soon as he heard the door click open, his mouth popping open when he saw you stood there staring at him with your mouth popped open and eyes focused on him. You didn’t know what to think, but you knew exactly how you felt, and it wasn’t going to bring your mood up at all.

“I’m going to go.” Haechan was the first to break the awkward silence. He rose from the bed, giving you a quick kiss on the cheek as he shuffled past you to get out of the room, shutting the door behind him to save everyone in the house from hearing everything you were going to say to each other.

“Baby…” Jaemin also rose to his feet, sniffing quickly and rubbing the residue of cocaine off his nose as he went to approach you.

“Don’t baby me.” You shook your head, your voice hard and stern, letting him know that he was about to be in trouble. He visibly gulped, his mouth falling open as he tried to form words, but he didn’t really know what to say to you. “You…uh fuck you Jaemin.” You muttered, spinning around to open the door when he hurried to stop you from leaving. You’d managed to open the door only by an inch when Jaemin went slamming into it with his whole body, inevitably preventing your exit.

“Please don’t go, I promise I’ll stop if you don’t like me doing it!” Something you’d come to figure out about Jaemin was that he was a huge people pleaser, especially when it came to you. You found that if he had done the slightest thing to cause your mood to sour, then he was immediately trying to fix your mood and make you happy with him again. Usually it worked, but this was the cherry on top to your crappy day, and you didn’t even want to talk to anyone else for the rest of the day.

“It isn’t that you’re doing the drugs Jaemin! I made it quite clear to you that I wasn’t bothered by what you do, as long as you don’t get your stupid ass thrown in jail then I’m fine with it, it’s your life. But you know what I also made fucking clear, I made it clear that I wanted you to tell me about thing like this. Don’t go behind my back and do shit like this Jaemin.” You tried to pull on the door handle but Jaemin wasn’t shifting his weight from the spot on the door.

“You aren’t my mother.” He mumbled, having the audacity to roll his eyes when you were looking at him. “Listen-”

“No, you listen to me.” You frowned up at him, holding back the tears that pooled in your eyes from your anger, sadness, and from how fed up of the day you were. His eyes widened at your strict tone, realisation hitting him that he probably should have given you attitude. “You did this behind my back Jaemin, that’s called betrayal, because I trusted you when you told me you would tell me everything. What if you accidentally overdosed and I didn’t even know you were doing drugs?! What the fuck would I tell the doctors?!” He slowly moved his weight off of the door, his eyes glued onto yours despite the shame inside of him making his eyes want to drift away. He knew if he broke eye contact with you when you were in a mood like this and feeling so passionately about something, then he was be in even bigger trouble. “Also, I’m fucking stressed out and everything is going wrong today.” That’s when the flood barrier broke and you let out a sob, the tears running down your cheeks and pooling on your jawline. Jaemin gulped, reaching out to hold your hand in his but you snatched it away from him, not finished with your rant yet and knowing if you caved in and let him touch you, then you’d just let it all go. “Work was shit and someone dented my car.” You whined, feeling some of the pressure coming off of your chest as you vented. “And then I come home to this shit!”

“Someone dented your car?!” Of course that was Jaemin decided to point out. “Who?”

“I don’t know! They didn’t leave any details and it happened when I was in the supermarket.”

“I’ll buy you a new car beautiful.” He stepped closer to you, but again, you stepped back, just shaking your head at him to tell him no.

“That isn’t going to excuse you doing drugs and lying to me about it. You told me that you didn’t them anymore!” You eyed the door handle again when Jaemin was glancing down at his feet and rubbing the back of his neck in nervousness.

“I only did it a few times…”

“I don’t care! It still happened!!!” You whimpered, almost stomping your foot on the floor from how frustrated you were getting at the fact he didn’t seem to understand why you were so upset with him.

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” He cleared his throat, moving to sit on the bed and putting his head in his hands, anxiety swimming around in his stomach from the thought that he could lose you from this, that’s why he had tried to make excuses and to change the subject by offering to buy you a car.

“It better not.”

“Why are you stressed baby girl? You should have told me that you were feeling stressed.” He had noticed that over the past few days you were far more agitated than you usually were, but he hadn’t brought it up in fears that he was just imagining it and it would cause you to be offended.

“Because we’re getting married in nine months Jaemin and we haven’t booked fuck all of the wedding, and every time I try to get you to help me arrange it, you brush it off or tell me that your busy! I can’t plan a wedding on my own, it’s your wedding just as much as its mine.” You wiped at your eyes with the palms of your hands, sniffing back your emotion and letting out a deep breath to try and steady your breathing. This was your first fight with Jaemin, and it left a putrid feeling inside of you that felt like it was rotting you from the inside out.

“I’ll make more of an effort okay, I’m sorry.” He gulped, his face feeling hot and his heart beating faster in his chest as a side effect of the drug he took.

“You have time to snort cocaine but you haven’t got time to plan your o-”

“I said I’m fucking sorry okay?!” He knew the over confidence was the cocaine talking and he immediately winced, standing up and rushing to you to embrace you as his apology. But you were already holding a hand out to stop him.

“I’m going to stay at my parents house tonight. Don’t contact me until tomorrow.” You stormed out quickly, ignoring everyone as they watched you leave, not really caring what they thought of you in that moment, it’s something you’d think about at a later date.

“Baby no!” Jaemin was hot on your heels, grabbing his own car keys on the way out but that’s when Renjun and Jeno stopped him, both of them pinning him to the wall.

“You’re not driving under the influence.” Jeno pried the keys out of his hand with a lot of difficulty, since Jaemin had seemed to be determined to follow you.

“I have to stop her!” Jaemin fought against them, his body thrashing as he tried to push them off of him.

“Jaemin no!” Haechan stood up quickly, helping Jeno and Renjun in restraining the frantic man.

“If she leaves she won’t come back!” Jaemin shouted, his eyes filling with tears as the he fell to the floor in a heap as a last attempt to move past them. Haechan was quick though, and he tackled him to the floor. “They never come back when they leave!” He started to sob as panic set in, his limbs shaking as his thoughts poisoned his mind.

“She will be back.” Jeno used a soft tone once he realised that his best friend was panicking because he was relating you leaving him, to his mother leaving him. “Shh, calm down.” He pocketed the keys and rubbed a hand against his head.

“Why is Uncle Nana crying?” Jiyeon’s soft voice made Jeno and Renjun’s head snap to the doorframe where she was stood, a worried expression on her face with her teddy bear in her arms.

“Jiyeon you’re supposed to be in the living room with everyone else.” Renjun sighed, standing up fast and rushing to his daughter. Haechan and Jeno let go of Jaemin once they saw he’d calmed down, Jeno giving him a hand to stand up. Jaemin ran a hand through his hair, sniffing back his tears and walking back towards his bedroom. Once he reached it through, his fist clenched, and before he could stop himself, he had already punched a dent in the wood. Renjun was still stood within eyesight with Jiyeon looked over his shoulder at the incident. Her little face crinkled up as she broke out into a cry, clinging onto her daddy tighter from fright.

“Uncle Nana scary!” She cried into her fathers’ shoulder. Renjun tensed up, not quite believing that Jaemin would do that in front of a two-year-old.

“It’s okay honey, let’s go see Jihyo.” He stroked a hand up and down her little back to comfort her as she cried, knowing if he didn’t calm himself by using his daughters then he was going to go ape shit at Jaemin. Jeno groaned, leaning his head against the wall in defeat, unsure of what to do.

You spent the night at your parent’s house, just telling them that you felt rough and needed a break from the hectic apartment for one night. They were more than happy to have their baby back home for a night, even if you went straight to bed and slept straight through to the morning. You felt like something was missing, and you knew it was Jaemin. It was Saturday and you had no other obligations to do other than to go home and make up with your boyfriend. You had breakfast with your parents and siblings, trying to enjoy the fussing of your mother and the dad jokes your dad kept coming out with. But it was hard when all you could think about was Jaemin. You worried about him, mostly because of his depression and you knew that this was probably harder on him, even if he was the cause of the argument, you still felt like you should worry about him more than yourself.

Arriving back at the apartment was bittersweet. You considered it as your home now and you were super comfortable living there with the people Jaemin considered as family, so to be back home made you feel good, even if you had only been away for one night. But it left a bitterness on your tongue because you knew the mood would be sour when you entered. You were wrong, Renjun had taken his girlfriend and kids back over to the opposite apartment that they spent most of their time in, Haechan was still in bed asleep, and Jeno and his girlfriend were cuddled up on the sofa watching the morning news with Minjun asleep in her arms. However, Jaemin was laying on his bed with his eyes shut when you entered, his eyes immediately opening and landing on you. His eyes were clearly bloodshot from his lack of sleep, and he sat up fast.

“Don’t say anything,” You spoke softly, approaching him quickly and taking his face in your hands. “Just listen. I’m sorry I was super harsh on your yesterday, I just wanted to express how I felt and I realise now that it was a bit too much…have you slept?” You stroked your thumbs against his hot cheeks, letting out a sigh when he shook his head.

“No…I’m sorry baby, can we make up now?” He wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his forehead against your stomach and letting out a tired sigh and a yawn.

“Yeah, we can.” You couldn’t stay mad at him for too long, and you felt a lot better today after having vented the night prior, your mood a lot calmer and leading you to make a rational conclusion about it all. The two of you moved so that you were cuddling on the bed, him being the big spoon and snuggling his head into the crook of your neck from behind.

“I promise to make more effort for the wedding.” He whispered, his hot breath washing over your skin and sending a chill down your spine. You let out a very gentle laugh and closed your eyes, feeling a wave of sleepiness attack your eyes, probably from the warmth of Jaemin and from how tired he looked himself.

“It’s so stressful to plan a wedding, I wish we could just elope next week.” You joked, letting out another soft laugh and a yawn. Jaemin laughed with you, but then cleared his throat and took a deep breath.

“Let’s do it.”

“What? Elope?” You opened your eyes and twisted your head around to glance at him. He bit his bottom lip as his eyes racked over your face, taking in all of your features that he loved each of so much. He still couldn’t believe how someone as perfect as you walked straight into his life and hadn’t walked back out again as soon as you got to know him.

“Yeah, maybe not next week though…how about on our one-year anniversary? It’s in like two months, right?”

“Three months…okay!”

“And we can just buy the outfits a-wait…did you say okay?” He felt a wide smile pulling at the corners of his lips, one you quickly mirrored.

“I did, let’s do it.”

---

Neither of you had told a soul. It was a Sunday, and you both hoped into Jaemin’s car, both of your wedding outfits stowed away into the boot so that no one could see them as you drove to the local chapel. It was your anniversary today too, so you felt like you were on cloud nine with Jaemin, both of you so in love with each other that it almost physically hurt. Of course people would judge you for getting married after only being together for a year. But fuck them! It’s none of their business, and neither of you cared for anyone else’s opinions. You both got changed in separate rooms, and you felt the air almost get knocked out of your chest when you saw Jaemin in his suit. It reminded you of the first time you laid eyes on him when he was wearing the suit from his mother’s funeral, and you remembered just how much your mouth nearly watered at the sight of him. Jaemin felt his eyes sting and a lump forming in his throat at the sight of you in your white wedding gown. It was a simple silk gown that hugged your figure and pooled around your white high heels.

You felt tears pool in your eyes as you said your vowels, Jaemin’s hands completely still compared to your shaky ones as you slid the ring up his finger. You don’t think you could ever forget the bright smile and twinkle in his eye as you watched him recite his own vowels, his bottom lip between his teeth as the minister declared you husband and wife. The ring felt foreign on your finger, but it was a welcome feeling, and you soon forgot about it as Jaemin’s lips pressed to yours, his hands sitting on your hips so tenderly you could hardly feel them. His lips were warm, and ignited the fire in your heart once more, like the kiss was dousing your love in a fuel that would make it explode. When you drew back, you both gazed into each other’s eyes and let out soft giggles.

“Mrs Na.” He whispered, laying another kiss to the corner of your mouth before swiping your hand up in his own. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, my husband.” You giggled again, completely giddy about your new titles for each other.

“I guess we should go and tell everyone, who shall we visit first?” He guided you back down the aisle, his heart beating so fast he genuinely thought it was going to pop out of his chest.

“My parents and then your grandma?” He nodded quickly at your suggestion. The both of you decided to keep your suit and gown on, wanting it to up the shock factor to all of your unsuspecting family and friends. All of the legal stuff and fees had been taken care of before, so you were just free to go on about the rest of your day as newlyweds. Even sitting in Jaemin’s car had you feeling different, and you almost bounced on the seat from your excitement.

When you arrived at your parent’s house, you both ducked down as you walked up the garden path, just in case one of your eager eyed siblings spotted you on your way to the door. You took a deep breath and knocked on the door, despite the key that you owned. Your mother was the one who answered the door, and she gave you a furrowed eyebrowed, head pulled back in confusion look.

“It’s not Halloween you crazy kids! What’s this all about?” She moved out of the way to let you both in. You both shuffled in, removing your shoes and giggling at her expression. Jaemin gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek.

“We have something to tell you, but we should gather everyone together.” You couldn’t help the big grin stuck on your face, and you wondered if it would ever disappear.

“It’s just me and your father home, the kids are all out, we could wait for them to come home?”

“How long will they be?” You titled your head, going through to the living room with your mum and Jaemin. Your dad was sitting on the sofa watching the football, but at the sight of you in a wedding dress and veil his eyes almost burst out of his skull. You sniggered and pulled Jaemin beside you.

“A few hours.”

“It’s okay, we’ll just tell you two.” You looked up at Jaemin, biting your bottom lip as your mum sat beside your dad.

“What’s going on?” He raised an eyebrow, trying to hide back his sarcastic remarks about your outfits, wanting to make a halloween joke so badly.

“We got married!” You held your hand out to your parents to show off your ring, trying not to feel dejected when neither of them smiled, instead both of their mouths dropping open in shock and their eyebrows turning into frowns.

“Without telling us?! The wedding isn’t supposed to be for months!” Your dad sat up straighter, clearly annoyed that he wasn’t part of his oldest daughter’s wedding.

“Aren’t you happy for us?” Your sudden sad face and pout had your parents immediately back tracking, both of them jumping up to hug you.

“We are princess, we’re just a bit upset that we weren’t there is all.” Your mother kissed your forehead while your dad shook Jaemin’s hand.

“We’re going to have another wedding reception that’s family only, so you’ll be apart of that.” Jaemin smiled, hoping that would give your parents a peace of mind. It seemed to work, but you knew they were still not 100% happy with your decision. You stayed with them for a little while, before hopping back into the car to go to Jaemin’s grandmas.

“Do you think she’ll take the news better than mum and dad?” You asked Jaemin, turning your head to him as he stopped at a red light of an intersection. He smiled, placing a hand on your knee and stroking his thumb against the silky fabric of your dress.

“I think she might be a bit upset too, but she’ll just be happy that I finally got a ring on your finger before you could change your mind.” He chuckled, leaning across the seat and laying a kiss on your parted lips.

“I considered it.” You winked at him to tell him you were joking. He gasped in mock offense, shaking his head and biting the inside of his mouth.

“You can’t escape me now (Y/N), you’re in this for the long ride now.” He winked back at your and chuckled, driving when the light turned green.

“I wouldn’t want to leave you any-” You never got to finish that sentence.

---

“Jaemin?” Jeno’s voice was foggy, like his head was being held underneath a pillow being smothered to death. He opened his eyes fully, immediately wincing at the harsh lights above him. His throat felt like a serrated knife had been lodged inside of it, every time he gulped to try and quench the dryness, it stung and left him almost gasping for water. Despite that, he didn’t feel dehydrated, and he couldn’t feel much more of his body. Everything felt numb to a certain extent, but it felt good when he flexed his toes out, the stiffness loosening his muscles out. “Jaemin it’s me, can you hear me buddy?” It was then he remembered that Jeno had been talking to him, his voice now clearer as Jaemin’s head defogged.

“Yeah.” He whispered, his eyes baring into Jeno’s. “You look like shit.” He managed to whisper out when he noticed Jeno’s appearance. Jeno had bloodshot eyes and big dark circles underneath them, like he hadn’t slept in centuries. His hair was a mess, and his lips looked sore as if he’d been constantly biting them. Jeno gave him a very small smile, letting out a very soft sigh.

“I’ll be back in a moment.” He rose from his seat, exiting the room only to reappear a few moments later. “The doctor is now coming; do you remember what happened?” He asked with a very soft tone, his hands shaking slightly as they ran through his already messed up hair. Jaemin let out a sigh, narrowing his eyes as he tried to rack his brain, until it suddenly hit him.

“(Y/N)!!! Where is she?! W-we got hit by something didn’t we? I-I don’t remember anything except everything going black a-and…Jeno is she okay?!” He felt panic settle in, and he tried to sit up, but was restricted from doing so when he placed his hand on the mattress to push himself up, only to be hit by a pain he’d never felt before. It was excruciating, the pressure he put on it making the pain flare up, since there was only so much pain that the medication he had been given could take away.

“Jaemin stay still!” Jeno pushed Jaemin back into his pillows very gently, more guiding him by his shoulders than pushing.

“Jaemin, hello I’m doctor Park.” A middle-aged man with grey hair entered the room with a calming smile on his face. “Please don’t move too much, you’ll do yourself more harm than good.” He approached the bed and looked into Jaemin’s eyes, he took a deep breath and began to explain to Jaemin. “You’re been unconscious for two days, you haven’t sustained any brain damage, and you’re expected to make a full recovery, however, you have broken multiple ribs, and your left wrist, and we’ve given you stitches on multiple lacerations over your body which will likely scar.”

“I don’t care about me! Tell me is my wife okay?!” Jaemin wanted to scream, but he knew that wouldn’t do any good. He just needed to see you and make sure that you were okay.

“Mr Na, you were involved in a very severe car collision. The car hit your car at such a speed that your car flipped multiple times,” Jaemin’s eyes flicked over to Jeno as the doctor spoke, and he saw a tear roll down his cheek. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked back up at the doctor, waiting for the explanation. He felt his heart in his chest, it was pounding so hard that it felt like it was rising through his throat, a bad feeling burning in his stomach. “The other driver of the car died on impact, and you had to be cut free of your car. Your wife also had to be cut from the car. She was brought back here, and we took her straight into surgery after discovering that she had a bleed on the brain,” Jaemin felt like the pillow was being smothered over his head against when he heard those words. His heart now pounding in his head like a deafening drum that was causing his entire body to start quivering. “We did everything that we could, but she sustained too much brain damage. Mr Na, your wife is what we call brain dead.” Jaemin was took in shock to react, just staring up at the doctor as he listened to the pounding in his head. “We had two senior doctors perform tests to come to this conclusion, and she failed all of the tests. Her heart is still beating, but only because she’s on a ventilator that is keeping her breathing. We can’t take her off of the ventilator until we have permission from her next of kin, which as her husband, would be you.” Jeno put his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking as he silently sobbed for you both. He had already heard this news, but it still hurt just as much hearing it again, especially as it was being told to Jaemin.

“Is she in pain?” Jaemin just wanted to know if you could feel any pain, surely if your heart was still beating and you were still breathing then you were alive, and there was hope that you could recover? “Will she ever recover?” He was still in shock, and he had no idea where the power to ask questions were coming from.

“She can’t feel anything, I can assure you that she didn’t feel any pain from the moment that this accident happened. And no, she wont ever recover. Brain death is permanent and cannot be reversed.” The doctor had a soothing voice, it was no wonder he was the one who was sent into Jaemin’s room to deliver the news.

“Okay.” Jaemin gulped, nodding his head as the news hadn’t yet sunk in. “Can I see her?”

“If you feel well enough, then yes, you may.” Doctor Park and Jeno both helped Jaemin into a wheelchair, and Jeno couldn’t help but take Jaemin’s good hand into his hand as the doctor pushed the wheelchair through the halls. He stopped in front of a closed door and slowly opened it, pushing Jaemin inside and placing him beside your bed. “I’ll leave you alone. If you have any questions, I’ll be outside.” He exited the room and shut the door gently behind him. Jaemin stared at your cut up face, pushing himself out of the wheelchair to stand up so he could get a better look at you.

“Oh.” It was looking at the big pipe going down into your mouth that made it sink in. He broke down in hard sobs when he realised the only thing keeping your heart beating for him was that tube. “Oh baby.” He reached his hand out stroked your cheek tenderly, wanting nothing more than for you to lean into his touch like you normally would, maybe even press a soft kiss to the palm of his hand. “Wake up…” He whispered, heavy tears rolling down his cheeks as he let out choked sobs that made his throat burn. “Please (Y/N)! You can’t leave me like this!” He had never felt so desperate before in his entire life. But deep down he knew that no matter how much he begged you, your delicate body couldn’t recover from this. There was a big bandage around your hair, and he could hardly recognise you from how bruise and cut up your face was. He felt his chest burn, like an invisible python was wrapping its way around him and constricting his breathing.

“Jaemin!” Jeno rushed forward and caught Jaemin just as he was about to collapse, holding his brother tight as he cried with him. “I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry Jaemin.” He gently rocked them back and forth, mourning with Jaemin for his loss. He didn’t give a fuck that he hadn’t been told about the wedding, all he wanted was for you to be alive, so that he could see you by Jaemin’s side as his lifelong partner.

“She can’t be gone!” Jaemin shook his head, gasping for air between the sobs that fell from his lips. “I love her!” He didn’t realise what he was saying, he just wanted you to open your eyes and tell him that everything was going to be okay. Jeno held Jaemin until he calmed down, which took half an hour. He set him back in his wheelchair and wiped his cheeks for him with a tissue as he just stared at your lifeless body. Silence ensued for a long time as Jaemin tried to process everything. But he didn’t think he could ever fully process what had happened. It was ironic really. You’d fallen in love with each other so fast, only to be ripped away from each other just as fast. It had been a year of mostly ups, with hardly any downs, and Jaemin felt like he wasn’t being selfish when he very brokenly said. “A year wasn’t long enough.”

---

Jaemin didn’t want visitors. But he couldn’t find it in his heart to turn your parents away when they showed up at the door to his hospital room the day after he’d woken up. They were the closest thing he had to you now, and he knew that even though you weren’t around anymore, he would still keep them close to him for the rest of his life. The meeting was filled with tears and hugs, and they didn’t fail to mention to Jaemin that you had told them plenty of times how deeply in love with him you were. It was hard for Jaemin to hear, but he also desperately needed to hear it. They told him that your siblings had already said their goodbyes to you. They were still young and didn’t need the anguish of waiting around for Jaemin to give the doctors the go ahead to turn off your ventilators. However they both wanted to wait to be there by Jaemin’s side when it was finally time. Jaemin felt like the world was playing some kind of sick joke on him. He hadn’t even been married to you for a whole day when you were ripped away from him, and now he had to be the person that decided whether your heart stopped beating or not. He felt like it was a double-edged sword. He got to marry you, and you felt so much love on the day you stopped living that Jaemin was so happy that the marriage had happened. But on the other hand, the decision now rested on him instead of on your parents.

When the time finally came for your machines to be turned off, Jaemin made everyone say their goodbyes before him. Jeno had surprised Jaemin by bringing his grandma to the hospital for support. She was absolutely crushed, especially after she had found out that you were on the way to her house when you’d gotten into the accident. But Jaemin had just held her tight like he used to after school when he was upset about being bullied. The room emptied out when it was Jaemin’s turn, and he slowly approached the bedside he’d spent so much time by the past week that he’d been in hospital, unable to tell the doctors that it was okay to let your heart stop, he felt numb. His eyes watered like they had so much over the past week, and he took your warm hand in his own, enjoying your warmth for one last time.

“Hey baby, I don’t really know what to say to you,” He took a deep breath and lowered his forehead to rest against your own, his knuckles turning white from how hard they were clutching your hand. “I guess I should start from the beginning, although its not like you weren’t there for it all, we spent nearly every day together when we were falling in love didn’t we? Those were the best day of my life, and forever will be.” He closed his eyes as tears slowly trickled down his cheeks. “I’ve never been loved by someone in the way you loved me, and I miss you so much. You accepted me for who I was, and I hope you know how grateful I am that you came into my life. I promised to protect you from everything, and I couldn’t, and I’m so sorry for promising you something I couldn’t keep. My heart will always belong to you, and I’m so sorry that we couldn’t do all of the things that we had planned to do. I love you so much, and I will until my heart stops beating, I just wish we had more time. You’re my world, and I love you (Y/N).” He took another deep breath and looked at the doctor through the window, giving him a nod that signified he was ready to let you go. He saw everybody looking through the window, their cheeks all wet as they watched Jaemin say goodbye to the love of his life. Jaemin couldn’t help but feel envious as he watched Jeno’s girlfriend and Renjun’s girlfriend snuggled into their chests for comfort, soft sobs falling from them as they mourned the loss of their friend. Haechan looked like a broken man. Jaemin knew that you and Haechan got along really well, and you had even spent some time with him after he went through some struggles with his girlfriend.

They all had to stay outside and watch through the window, as only family could enter the room. Your parents came into the room, but Jaemin’s grandma stayed with Haechan and held his hand. Jaemin gently placed a kiss to the back of your hand, watching as Doctor Park got prepared, gently pulling the medical tape off of your face that was helping to keep the ventilator in your mouth. Your parents cried in each other’s as Doctor Park very slowly and gently removed your breathing tube. Jaemin leaned down, leaning his forehead against your own once more as your chest stopped rising and falling, one long breath leaving your lungs as you stopped breathing. The heart monitor sped up, until it flatlined, quickly being switched off by Doctor Park to avoid anymore emotional distress for anyone. Jaemin sobbed silently, stroking your hair with his fingers on his bad arm and holding your hand tightly with his good one, as whispered to you one last time.

“I love you.”

---

Time was starting to go by as a blur for Jaemin. It had been two weeks, but today was the day you were finally laid to rest. It had been hard for him to hear everyone keep telling him that they were sorry for his loss, and he couldn’t remember much of what happened, his brain so foggy and disorientated that Jaemin didn’t even know what day of the week it was. He hadn’t bothered changing out of his suit, the same one that he’d worn to his mother’s funeral on the day that you’d met because he didn’t have it in him to go out and buy a new one. He couldn’t even imagine telling a shop assistant that he was looking for a suit because he was burying his wife. Besides, you’d always made little comments to him about how handsome he looked in that suit, and even though you were gone, he still wanted to please you. Your pillow still smelt like you, and Jaemin held it tightly in his grip as he laid on his bed, no more tears left inside of his eyes to cry, since they’d all been poured out before and during your funeral. The door opening made him look up, and he gave Jeno a hardly there smile.

“I brought you some toast, you need to eat.” He set the plate down on the bedside table and gently sat on the edge of the bed beside Jaemin. He bit his bottom lip for a moment before sighing and finally speaking his mind. “I’m so worried about you, you’ve tried to kill yourself over things a lot smaller than this, and every time I step into your room I’m scared I’ll see you hanging from the curtain poll, or in a pool of your own vomit from overdosing…Jaemin I need to know that you’re going to be okay.” Jaemin gulped and sat up, gently setting your pillow down in your empty spot and letting out a sigh as he looked at his best friend.

“Jeno, I have never in my life been more determined to live than I am right now.” A big smile broke out on Jaemin’s face, despite the tears he didn’t think he had spilling over his waterline. “Life is so precious, and (Y/N) had hers ripped away from her so fast before she even got to properly live. How could I ever take my own life away now?” Jeno felt a wash of relief rush over him, and he took Jaemin’s hand into his own, squeezing it tightly. “I don’t just live for myself now, I live for her. She’s a part of me now, and as long as my heart is still beating, her love for me is still alive.” He took a deep breath and then smiled as he looked at the picture of the two of you on his bedside table. “Her ending came too fast, but it wasn’t our ending, because our love lives on. And this will definitely will not be my ending.”

---

Okay, so this is the end of the main stories for Differences! How are we feeling? I’m so sorry by the way, I have never cried so much writing as what I did for this piece. I hope you guys enjoyed this series, but don’t worry, it’s not the end end! I still have epilogues to write for each of the boys and short stories for them. Character Asks on @jenonctcity-character-asks are open! Thank you so much for reading, I love you.

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ninafms · 4 years

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* 𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐰 , 𝐢'𝐦 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 around to posting nina’s introduction , but my theme made me upset so this will be viewed on dashboard only for now ! my name’s 𝐛𝐚𝐲 , i prefer either she / her or they / them pronouns , and i reside in the est timezone . i’m in my final year of college so sometimes i won’t be around all day , but since i only work two days and all of my classes are online , chances are i’m around ! i’m starting this little introduction at exactly 2:30am , so chances are this will be posted at like ... 4am ( lol ) , but i’m super excited to write her out as this will be my first group in about a month or so ! i’m comfortable with messaging through the im’s if that’s better for you , but we could also plot on discord if you’d like ! also , don’t forget to stream blackpink’s new single ‘ ice cream ’ with selena gomez !

💀 * [ jennie kim + cis female + she / her ] —— have you met na-young “nina” min ? they are a twenty - three year old senior currently studying business economics with a political science minor . they live on farrow house , and word around campus is that this gemini is spellbinding + perspicacious , as well as combative + malevolent . i wonder if they’ll make it out alive . biting the corner of her thumbnail when focusing , never being ashamed of back - to - back walks of shame , the infectious sound of her laughter traveling the hall .

NAME : na-young ‘ nina ’ min .

NICKNAME(S) : nini , neens , and nana ( by her parents ) .

AGE + DATE OF BIRTH : 23 + june 2nd , 1997 .

ZODIAC : gemini sun , taurus moon , gemini ascendant .

MYERS - BRIGGS PERSONALITY TYPE : istp .

MORAL ALIGNMENT : neutral evil .

ENNEAGRAM TYPE : the achiever .

GENDER + PRONOUNS : cis female + she / her / hers .

PLACE OF BIRTH : gangnam , seoul , south korea .

PLACE OF RESIDENCE : ivory falls , maine .

SEXUAL ORIENTATION : bisexual .

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : biromantic .

OCCUPATION : senior at holloway university .

NATIONALITY : korean - american .

ETHNICITY : korean .

LANGUAGES SPOKEN : english , korean , and japanese .

i . prosopography .

nina’s story begins during the chance meeting of her parents , ara kim and hyun-woo min , when they were in their early twenties . most would assume that they weren’t compatible for one another as ara was the spoiled child of the kim family , who were known around south korea for owning various luxury buildings and apartment complexes in the gangnam area . hyun-woo on the other hand was your regular college student who worked a job he hated to pay his tuition , but he had big dreams as he wanted to someday own his own architecture firm . when the mindless ara wrecked her fancy car into hyun-woo’s beat up toyota , it was love at first sight .

it was a whirlwind relationship as the couple was engaged within six months of their meeting , and married within eight . with their access to unlimited funds , the couple had a lavish wedding , and hyun-woo no longer had to worry about his tuition payments . now focused on his degree without having to worry about money , he found himself on the development team at his new family’s company shortly thereafter his graduation .

with hyun-woo having his dream job and ara having her dream husband , the couple was thriving . they lived in a beautiful apartment that overlooked gangnam , and they had gone on vacation to bali when ara revealed that she was pregnant . the couple was overjoyed to be welcoming their baby into the world , and to say that they were obsessed with her from the moment they saw her in the first ultrasound and she was the size of a lime . the couple welcomed their little baby nine months later , and they loved every inch of her the moment she was placed on ara’s chest .

growing up , nina enjoyed the spoils that her family provided for her . she went on amazing trips , wore the best clothes , and even got pushed around in a six hundred dollar stroller . despite that , though , nina was a very precocious child , picking up on her developments quickly . as she grew older , nina’s parents saw that their daughter was interested in a variety of things , so when she was five , she began taking piano lessons , and it was evident that she had a natural gift .

as the years passed , nina continuously excelled in her academics and the extracurriculars that she tried out for . as she attended the best schools in seoul , nina was the one who answered questions first , she was the first to sign up , and the first to complete tests . nina was the one who constantly won awards from her school , and she was definitely the one who never allowed for someone else to take her place .

it was something of a shock to her parents that she wanted to attend college in the states , but her parents were not the ones to tell her no . so , nina went on to be accepted into holloway , and she majors in business economics with a political science minor ! i’d say that she’s involved in a lot of student organizations like student government , and she’s a member of the tennis team ! as nuts as it sounds , she’s on the tennis team for the cute outfits , but she loves the sport as well .

ii . temperament .

alexa , play ‘ i don’t care ’ by ariana grande ! she doesn’t care about what other people have to say or how people feel about her , especially considering how shameless she can be in most of her actions . she’s ridiculously blunt , but really hates when people are bitchy for no reason ? i don’t know , a paradox considering that she can be bitchy for no reason too FKNDSFUDS . responds heavily to the energy that she’s given . fully believes that the sun and moon determines her mood for the day .

sUpErIoRiTy CoMpLeX ? gOd CoMpLeX ? sounds about right . she doesn’t outright brag about herself all the time , but she’s definitely the type to bring it up when it applies to the conversation . nina is the mean friend that everyone needs , and has a weird dislike for people who are too nice .

nina isn’t a stone cold bitch , though . she likes having fun , she likes to laugh , and she especially likes to spend time with her friends . she’s capable of empathy and compassion , yes . will she show that all the time ? of course not ! considering that she’s an only child , nina is used to having all eyes on her , so she has no shame in her fame when she comes back to farrow house wearing last night’s dress and carrying her heels .

iii . headcanons .

she already knows that graduate school is in her future , but she hasn’t decided on where she wants to go yet .

nina resides in farrow house , and she’s probably the worst kind of roommate there is considering how type a she can be at times . her room ( or side of the room i’m not sure of the setup ) is relatively organized at all times . she’s a lover of white , but white with color , so she keeps the tones light with soft shades of pink scattered throughout ! she likes a gold accent , and everything has its own place .

doesn’t like to leave her bedroom without making her bed or picking things up . at night she may just slip out of her clothes and go to bed , but she’s definitely going to pick it up that next morning , even her walk of shame clothes KNJFDISF .

despite her behavior at times , nina is someone who studies hard because she doesn’t like anything less than an A . although i will say that she obsesses over her grades , but she knows that if she slacks then she’ll get slacker grades .

this is pointless KFNDJSF but i draw a lot of her style inspo from itsyuyan on instagram , but she also loves to dress in a quality th*t dress when she had the chance to NFJDBSFDS . i love jennie’s long hair , so nina’s own is canon to that , and she definitely had the iconic e-girl streaks .

iv . wanted connections .

i would love to have literally anything that ya’ll throw at me ! some basics that i’d like to write out are best friends , academic rivals , friends with benefits , confidant(s) , frenemies , good / bad influence , one night stand(s) , flirtationship , enemies with benefits , and a current or ex fling !

i love a good women loving women scenario , so i’d like to have an ex girlfriend for her ! i see them as being on good terms and they simply drifted apart , but they’re really close ! sometimes they can get a little touchy feely with one another so hello 👀 .

i would die for literally any form of angst that you could possibly think of ? angsty friends , angsty exes , angsty anything . i love to put myself through misery so honestly … bury me six feet under and i will literally thank you .

all aboard the heartbreak train ! this ties back into my love for angst , but some form of an ex or maybe even someone who she go close to but it didn’t really work out ?

maybe even a will they won’t they ? but essentially , clearly these two have feelings but for some reason things didn’t work out for them and now they’re probably in a limbo or trying to determine where they’re headed but they absolutely refuse to talk about it ! all of their friends notice but they blow them off and ok let me relax and actually allow us to plot , but just some potential ideas !

i will have a desired relations tag that i’ll be updating as frequently as i can , but if none of these work for you or if you have something you see araminta filling , then please let me know ! we can totally brainstorm or if you want , then we can work on chemistry !

#holloway.intro #i finally did it ya'll NJFJDHBSFDS #instead of posting this at 4am i'm posting it at 5pm but alas .. it's here my friends

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bombae-sapphire · 4 years

Text

2020 & lex

I have not spent one moment thinking over 2019. I think a lot of it was stressful for me and it’s one of those things that I think I’m glad it’s over with. School was really hard. I was very challenged and I had to make a lot of decisions for what’s next.

I got a new job and it made me grow up a lot. It made me settle down a little. It gave me confidence.

I fell more and more in love with Arizona. There wasn’t a day there that I didn’t think about how much I loved my city. Everything was perfect. I loved my apartment. I loved my job. I loved my major. But I knew I wasn’t really happy or treating myself the best that I could have.

The decision to leave was very hard and very unplanned at the same time. It was something i was toying with and had to make a last minute decision to pull the lever or not. I really removed myself in those moments.

I think I just knew I outgrew it. I love everything about Arizona. But I knew I was still unfulfilled and there wasn’t something in Arizona that could compensate that.

I think that’s why New York seemed like the right choice. I had to go bigger. I knew if I wanted to make bigger strides I had to put myself in an environment that would wow me and challenge me in ways I haven’t been before.

Leaving jess was probably the hardest part. I think about her face when we said goodbye a lot and it really breaks me. She helped me be a million times better. I will never have another friend like her. At time same time I think we both knew that if it didn’t end this way then neither of us could be really truly free to be the people we wanted to. We were trapped with each other and it was hurting both of us. That last month we got so much closer maybe because we knew we couldn’t really hurt each other anymore. I love her so much.

Driving cross country was weird. I felt relieved that the weight of my will she or won’t she move mindset was fully lifted. It was also just kind of interesting to see how comfortable I’ve become with sitting and staring at nothing for hours. It made me feel like I needed a break from weed. I could just sit there and not think and that was just weird and a little unnerving at times. It’s gotten better.

This is the hard part to think about next. This is my current chapter and I don’t know why that’s hard for me to think about. I think I have to admit truths and I don’t necessarily want to do that for myself. It’s easier to get through it than to evaluate it.

It’ll be easier to start from the beginning I guess.

Being around family felt really refreshing coming back. It felt good to dance with my sisters and teach haven her letters and so puzzles wih kai and be there for Courtney after her accident and see trace walk and be able to just get lunch with Shauna. And nana is just a short drive away. It was, is, nice. And I don’t feel like I’m losing myself the way I thought I might. My morals are in tact and I have myself.

Every single person was overwhelming supportive. Not only did I get physical help from my family but so much emotional help. They all were so willing and I never felt like a bother to anyone really. My mom has, for one of the first times in my life, but the absolute most emotionally supporting person thus far. She’s never one to sympathize but she really did that for me this year. It meant absolutely everything for me.

Unfortunately I think I learned that I need to start keeping more to myself. I don’t want to share everything with them. I feel like when I find success it’s starting to be taken as me having a big head and that’s a large part of why I liked to be so far away. I didn’t need to play the youngest littlest sister roll or the poor kid roll or the depressed teenager roll. I was free to make myself a new person and I think everyone’s perception of me is not the reality of who I am and I’m sick of having to feel badly sharing new things. So I’m not going to. I’m going to be proud of myself and do it for me.

School was hard for so many reasons. I couldn’t think of them all if I tried. It was just plain hard and it didn’t feel like the same type of welcoming learning environment that I was used to at SCC. I got depressed. For sure. It was a low moment in the middle of the semester. I failed a lot of stuff. I didn’t care. I didn’t work. I wanted to be nothing. It was all just exacerbated by stress and the new environment and I think my body was just shutting down.

Absolutely no one is going to help you in New York except yourself. And even if you think you have yourself, and you can do all the right things, you often have to fight tooth and nail to figure out the difference between what you think is right and what is actually right. People do not care about you and it’s as simple as that.

No one cares about your success, so you have to care. It was different.

I didn’t really make any friends this semester. I made the usual classroom buddies but I didn’t meet someone new that I bonded with and that’s always scary for me. I struggle with relating to people and I worry that finding my family here is going to take a lot of time.

Having so many of my classroom friends come from another country is very interesting. I learned a lot about different cultures just from chatting about the homework etc. It’s been eye opening and I like it.

The other thing with New York that I’ve been struggling with is honestly the food. It’s not very good. I know this sounds fucking crazy, but it’s just not. Like there’s been some things that I’ve been like DAMN or like $30 pasta dishes that I’ve been like cumming over sure but it’s different than Arizona. I had so many cheap good choices. And I miss Mexican food. I literally am probably going to back to Arizona partly because I need the food again. I spent so much time this semester trying to find new places around me that i like and so far it’s pretty much just tender greens lmao and this one vegan restaurant by the train. Shake shack in Madison square park is disgusting and eataly is overrated.

I am doing good at finding my own spots around the city, food aside. There’s these stairs I’ll eat on when it’s nice out, or there’s a spot in the library I really love, there’s a place on the island i will go and look at the skyline at night and just think, there’s a bar that plays only soccer and has this great bartender, when it’s nice there’s a good place to hang in Madison sq park. I have 2 designated Starbucks. I’m enjoying finding my spots.

The travel has honestly been a god send. I don’t know if it’s because when you travel that’s literally all you have to do. I don’t have to answer emails or do math or talk to anyone. I just need to listen to music and go. I love love love my bus rides between New York and pa and I love x10000 the drive between my sisters and parents house. I love taking the tram and looking at the view and the subway is not that bad. It’s kind of fun. You see so much. Everyday millions of people get up and go and do their thing. It’s inspiring.

I got better by the end of the semester. I confided in teachers and I pulled my grades up. I ended the most important class with an A- and I literally could not be fucking happier or more shocked.

I’m learning to love my body more. I’m learning confidence more. I’m exploring new things sexually. I love it.

I love my friends. The New Years happened and we all passed weed around and yelled at each other about politics. That’s how we started 2020.

It’s been hard and most of what I wrote is me trying to find the good in it. I’m happy with that. But it would not do justice to the year if I didn’t say that I’m worried about myself. I’m worried about my drive and my inability to connect with people. It’s hard to do that when you don’t want to. I don’t care about making relationships with people. It sucks and I sound like a bitch. But I’m trying. I’m working on it.

I’m worried about my living situation. It’s not okay. I’m very unhappy that I don’t have my own space right now. It’s hard for me to make a decision of save money or struggle for money for the sake of my own space. I don’t know what to do.

2019 just had so much change. And I’m a little exhausted. I’m not totally me after the end of 2019 but I’m hopeful that that’s changing.

I guess one of the last notable things to think about would be my dad. He’s really bad. He’s totally just not here anymore and I miss him having opinions about my life. As weird as that sounds. He can only nod and make understanding noises. He’s doing weird things like feeding the dogs Cheerios and ranch dressing in their bowls and putting the bowls in the freezer. He threw out his teeth. He sleeps all day. He’s just bad and there’s nothing I can do for him.

I found out so much about my birth mother. And I found out it’s unsafe to reach out to her. So I never can. She’s involved in a really bad group of people. It’s ironic because i used to live with my ex and her stepdad introduced me to this group and i got super into it and thought it was so crazy and interesting and they wanted us to remove our last names from social media to stay protected from them and now it’s come full circle.

And she can barley spell and she seems very unstable. I don’t really feel disappointed. I thought about writing her a letter with no return address, just to tell her about me, but there’s absolutely nothing I could think of to write that I thought I’d like her to know. I tried. I just don’t want her to know and I don’t think it would do any good for anyone for her to know. I actually think I can let her go now. I don’t have anything left to wonder about.

The last thing that’s happened this year is my family is suddenly together. All my sisters are showing up in the same place at the same time and their kids we never saw are around. It’s really nice and really different. It’s a huge blessing. I’m so so blessed.

I could go on forever about the different changes this year but I’m glad I wrote out what I did. I didn’t care at all the reflect on the year starting typing this over an hour ago and I think it was worth it that I did.

New year. New decade. I can do it.

#personal #me

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