Sometimes you just gotta drive home when it’s very dark and storming horribly while attempting to eat chicken nuggets and blare metal music

To Summon A Witcher: Geralt x Reader Chapter 1 (NSFW) Smut

Summary:  Reader lives and works in one of the most romantic cities in the US, Charleston, SC. However, because of the city's colored past, romance isn’t the only thing that can be found there– it is said that ghosts, goblins, ghouls and the like make the city their home. When Reader meets one of these creatures she has to get the help of someone not quite so human in order to be free, but he frees her from much more than she ever expected.

Taglist: In reblog

Word Count: 1769

Warnings: This shit spooky, fam.  Graveyard, and corpse mention.

A/N: This is the first-ever Geralt fic I have written. I hope you enjoy it! Leave me your thoughts in the comments or in an ask!  

“Yeah, it’s this huge guy with stark-white hair, golden eyes, and seriously, a body that could pick me up and snap me like a twig,” I told my best friend, Genny.

“Sounds hot. I’m not sure I understand where this is a problem?” She swirled the coffee mug around, stirring up the settled liquid in her latte. “I mean, unless you are waking up to find that these dreams with the ‘Daddy-white-haired-tree-man’ are really wet dreams that soak your covers through… I could see that as being a problem.” She laughed a musical beautiful laugh. I danced around her comment, not wanting her to know how I felt when I woke up from the dreams of the mysterious man or the nature of some of the dreams which truly did feature bare skin, hard muscle, and moans that rang out in unison.

“Genny, I have never seen this man before in my life, yet he has been in every dream I have had for months now. I just don’t know what it means.”

“Sure, but you’ve had to have seen him somewhere.” She looked around us now, glancing all about the outside patio of the coffee shop that was nestled between a bakery and a uniquities store. People were milling about, their arms full of shopping bags or clutching briefcases or talking on their cell phones. “Honestly, I want to see this guy.” Genny licked her lips. “Maybe he is nearby right now,” she whispered, “Either that or he was the main stud on some porn. Yeah, that’s likely it.”

I stared at her blankly. Why did everything have to come back to sex? I mean, to be fair things always came back to sex for the both of us and this was likely one of the reasons why we enjoyed each other's company so much, but this was serious. Dreams mean something, or so my mother taught me to believe.   And I couldn’t help but think that the man in my dreams had something to do with my current predicament. After all, they had started shortly after things took a turn for the worse.

I’d felt it on more than one occasion, and lately with the way things were going whatever beasty was following me seemed to only be growing stronger.

It had first started on a cold, wet day. The rain had been steadily falling for more than a week, but that day the wind was stirring maddeningly and there had been a tornado warning.

When the storm began I was at work and after the numerous alerts and warnings, me and my coworkers were all told it would be best if we left. In my rush, I dashed out of the door with only my keys.

I had forgotten my bag and my phone and all the contents that I had slowly collected over the years and kept in a satchel as a sort of talisman to ward off evil spirits and the like that seemed to want to attach themselves to me.

The satchel contained an odd assortment of things: a small vial of salt, a clay statue with its own strikingly unusual appearance, a stone of jet, a globe of labradorite, and the tooth of a black cat that all helped me to feel safe, to be protected and to walk unnoticed throughout the world-- at least in the realm of those things not living.

From childhood, I noticed shadows, without shape or form. Most of the time they were harmless. As I grew older, I became more aware of other creatures and entities. The shadows would go from playful to predatorial.

I quickly grew scared and when my mother found out she took me to see a children’s therapist. The apparitions did not stop, they poured forth latching onto my fears, my desperation and hopelessness. It was as if I had become a house for them to dwell within.

I became haunted.

I passed through the hands of multiple therapists, too many to even count. None of them could help me. I was a child becoming a teen that was out of their depth. They either pitied me, despised me, or feared me.

Eventually, my mother heard tell of a spiritual healer, who was no more than a witch, yet she was the only one who could help.

Instead of claiming that I was delusional or sick, the healer praised me for my abilities and told my mother I was gifted, however, the healer sensed the dark energies threatening to consume me and crafted the satchel that had been blessed and enchanted with wards to keep me safe.

And from then on, I carried it with me wherever I went.

That is, until the day the tornado hit.

I’d left work feeling hopeful that I would make it home before the storm became dangerous. But the further I went, the harder the storm raged. I lived in an aged and historic town and was lucky enough to be within walking distance from my work. A few blocks and I would have been home.

I dashed through the rain, taking care not to slip and hurt myself. My keys jangled loudly against my hip.

Rainwater was pelting my eyes and I had trouble seeing. I was soaked. Lightning flashed while thunder rumbled threateningly.

If I would have left a few minutes earlier from my work maybe things would have been different.

If I would have not forgotten my purse with the enchanted satchel within maybe things would be better for me.

Being a human means making human mistakes and mistakes breed consequences that are not often too kind.

I’d rounded a corner at the French district, splashing through puddles when I came to the wrought iron, overgrown with ivy and tangled weeds, entrance of the graveyard.

People often said the graveyard was haunted, cursed.

There were ghost walks and spirit tours that brought groups of people to this very cemetery so they could “Oooo” and “Aahhh” and romanticize about all the horrific deeds that had taken place here. They would return home or to their inns or their taverns and tell the stories they had heard over a beer with a friend, or sitting in front of their fireplace, or tucked into a cool bed on a winter night.

The locals all knew this cemetery was bad news, nothing good ever came of it except for the endless revenue of the ghost tours that the cemetery enticed.

I planned to continue on down the block, straight past the graveyard, but a harsh streak of lightning cut through the sky overhead and thunder cracked so loudly I could feel it deep within my very bones.

Though I cringed at the thought, I knew that if I cut through the graveyard I would be home in half the time.

I gulped and with a look of harsh determination on my face, I ran into the graveyard, pushing my body through the gate.

It closed behind me with a harsh clang, but I continued.

I wasn’t interested in taking my time like some of the tourists do when they come here to meander and ponder while they look at the ancient graves, too old to even have names or dates on them, or too overgrown with tangled foliage for anything to be made out.

There was a worn path beneath my feet, and the rainwater had caused it to be treacherously slick with red clay mud. It threatened to be surpassed and covered in its entirety by tall and leggy green weeds. They slapped relentlessly at my calves and thighs as I ran through.

The weeds made me run blindly. I thought if I stayed on the path it was safest, but I was wrong.

My foot caught on a thick, twisting root that lay horizontally before me. It snaked from one set of graves to another, likely gaining nourishment from the rotting corpses underneath the ground.

I fell, catching myself on the heels of my hands. My pants leg was ripped open and a sharp, sudden pain could be felt above my knee.

I sat up, thoroughly covered in mud and grime from the cemetery, my hair completely soaked through, my clothes stuck against my skin and inspected the gaping wound above my knee. It wouldn’t need stitches, but as soon as I got home I would have to place some butterfly bandages on the wound, or it was sure to leave an ugly scar.

A wet warmth spread along the skin of my knee as my pants soaked up the blood that was pouring forth.

Just then the wind gushed maddeningly, causing the trees in the graveyard to sway and the grey Spanish moss to dance. The trees creaked and groaned with their movement.

Nearby I heard a clicking noise and I couldn’t place it to anything natural. I shifted, sitting up straight, remaining still so I could hear whatever the noise belonged to.

A shadow crossed my periphery and I turned my head towards the movement.

Whatever it was, was using the headstones to hide and shifting between them, manipulating the shadows of the graves to appear “natural”.

But the feeling of dread I had that I often associated with the shadow beings from my past was all too familiar.

My hands fumbled around for my purse. I would grab the enchanted draw-string satchel and would put an end to this shadow thing coming after me.

It was then, I realized my mistake. I had left my purse at work.

“Shit!”

The clicking grew louder and before me, the shadow began to take form.

I knew I couldn’t turn around. All I could do now was keep moving forward, towards home-- towards safety.

The shadow-being before me darkened, swirling and shifting menacingly, and I rose to my feet charging through it.

When I passed through its still collecting form, I felt a cold that seeped into my bones and gripped with a deadly claw around the deepest parts of my being. It was as if, in doing that it knew me. Everything about me.

My darkest desires, my deepest fears, my hopes and my failures.

I ran from the storm.

I ran from the graveyard.

I ran from the shadow that threatened to abolish me.

Things have been a nightmare since and the depression I was treated for long ago with the help of the spiritual healer is slowly lurking back.

I am certain the shadow beast followed me home, and what I am most uncertain of is how to get rid of it.

**** Hope you all enjoyed chapter 1! Please get this fic out into the tumblr verse by reblogging, commenting, and even sending asks if you feel like it! If you would like to support me head on over to my Patreon where you will get access to my fics before anywhere else and much more! Or fuel me with Ko-fi! Until next time! Peace, Loki’s Pet Tiger

Do you have any tan lines? Nope. Have you ever wished you could stop time? Yes. I’ve also wished I could speed it up. Is there any pictures on the wall you're in? Yeah, there’s several. Who was the last person who called you? My mom. Did you make any money today? No.

Have you ever fallen and twisted your ankle? No. What was the highest place you've ever jumped from? I haven’t jumped from anywhere. Have you ever gone swimming in a river? No. Ever been so unfortunate to slip on wet rocks? Nope. When was the last time you got completely soaked by rain? It’s been a long time. One of the times that comes to mind is when my mom, aunt, a former friend, and I were at an outdoor festival and we got caught in an unexpected rain storm. It just started pouring down hard and we were not prepared at all. We had to run back to our car, which was parked a good distance away and yeah we were absolutely soaked. 

Is there something you really want to buy at the moment? I’d love to be able to book a beach vacation getaway. Would you ever consider culinary school? No. I’m not a cook and have no interest in trying to become one. Do you ever watch the clouds, to see if they look like objects/animals etc? I did when I was a kid sometimes. When was the last time you didn't want to get out of bed? That’s me everyday. It’s a real struggle. Are you excited for anything coming up in the near future? No. My foreseeable future consists of more doctors and appointments and struggles and spending most of my time in bed. Speaking of dancing, do you know any real dance moves? I know them, but I can’t do them. Do you save cards from your birthday/x-mas, etc? Yes. What was the last souvenir someone got you? A shirt. Do you have a favorite remix of a song? One of my favorite covers is Adele’s cover of George Michael’s “Fast Love” that she preformed at an award show in honor of him after he died. I can only describe it as hauntingly beautiful. I really wish she would have released a studio version of it. When was the last time you printed something off? I don’t recall; it’s been awhile. Are you one of those people who can learn music/songs by ear? No, I wish. There was a guy in my piano class I took my senior year in high school that could do that. It was really cool. Has the power gone out recently? No, but I have a feeling it will happen soon. It always does when we have a lot of triple digit degree weather, which is what this week has consisted of. Do you like driving at night? I don’t drive, but I like nighttime drives. Like, whenever I travel I love leaving really early when it’s still dark out. It’s a different experience. Does seeing roadkill make you sad, or just grossed out? Both. Does wearing heels make you feel sexier? I don’t wear heels. What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument? The piano can sound that way. What day do you go back to school (if you're in school)? I’m forever done with school. When was the last time you've gone shopping with a friend? It’s been a few years. Do you ever go out to dinner with your Mom? We haven’t physically gone out to eat for dinner in quite a long time.  What is your favorite kind of salad dressing? Ranch. Have you ever bought fireworks? Not me personlly, but my dad and brother do every 4th of July. Do you really pay attention to the ratings on movies? Sometimes, but I ultimately decide if I want to see it or not. Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc? No. If given the chance, would you go to Ireland? Sure. Who was the last person/website to send you an email? I don’t feel like checking. Has your phone ever rang and scared you? Yeah. I’m such a jumpy person anyway. If you have a cat, does it ever "converse" with you? I don’t have a cat. If given the chance, would you ever fly in a fighter plane like the F-16? No. Are you afraid of standing on the edge of hills/skyscrapers/cliffs etc? Uh, YES. Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar etc)? No. Do you support the funds designed to protect endangered animals? (Like WWF). I haven’t done much myself to support them, but I’m glad they exist. What type of a drunk are you? (Obnoxious, calm, emotional, violent, etc) I was a chatty drunk. I feel like I was annoying, ha. I was also the sad drunk. Do you have an absolute favorite name (boy or girl)? I love the name Alexander. Are you good at pronouncing foreign words? Uhh, depends. If you're not already, when do you plan on getting married? I don’t want to get married. Can you tolerate the smell of cigarette smoke? Nooo. It honestly makes me sick, like I get lightheaded and dizzy, I get nauseous, and I get a really bad headache. When listening to music, do you usually tap your foot etc to the beat? I sometimes tap my fingers and hands. Have you ever literally cried on a friend's shoulder? No. Was there something that "made your day" today? It literally just turned midnight, so today is just now starting. Do you have a favorite kind of chocolate bar? White chocolate. Are you happy that it's summer? Ugh, no. It’s hot and miserable. Is there anything that you should be doing right now? I’m about to make my nightly bowl of ramen.  Has anyone had expectations that you just couldn't live up to? (finishing this a couple hours later...) That’s how I’ve been feeling. Are you currently in a relationship? If so, how long have you been dating? Nope. Would you ever consider being a DJ at a party if you were paid? Nah. Have you ever tried those electric toothbrushes? Wow, this question makes it seem like they’re so futuristic and rare lol. Yes, I use electric toothbrushes. Are you or anyone you know devoted to "being green"? Not overly so, no. When it comes election time, do you vote (if you're old enough)? Yes. What was the last movie you watched that was on TV? I watched Fear 1994 on Netflix recently if that counts. How long have you had an account on bzoink? I don’t have an account on bzoink. Do strapless bras work for you? I don’t like them. I only wear them if I have to, like with a dress. Do you have a favorite hair elastic that you use almost always? No. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/ were planning on it/etc? No. When you were younger, did you have a yoyo? I did. I couldn’t do any tricks, though. What was the last video game you played, if any? Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Has anyone ever called you nerdy? Yeah. Have you ever had to call 911? Yes. Has there ever been a tornado near where you live? No, fortunately. Are you a rollercoaster addict? Noo. I’m a big scardy cat. Do you feel comfortable enough to wear short shorts? No. I’m very self-conscious about my legs. About my body in general, really. If you have iTunes, do you find the Genius recommendations helpful? I don’t even recall what that is; I haven’t used iTunes in almost 10 years. Are you quick at looking up numbers in phonebooks/ words in dictionaries? Phonebooks, wow.  I haven’t used a phonebook or actual dictionary in yearsssss thanks to the Internet/Google.  Have a favorite actor/actress from Old Hollywood? (Marilyn Munroe, etc) Lucille Ball. Out of Biology, Chemistry and Physics, which are you the best at? None of those. Is there a friend you can always talk to about anything? I don’t have any friends. Can you stand spicy foods? Not anymore. :( It’s gotta have like barely anything like McDonald’s or Taco Bell mild hot sauce type of stuff. It’s wild because I used to be obSESSED with spicy food. I put hot sauce on everything and had a high spicy tolerance. Then a few years ago I developed a sensitivity and I can’t even have red pepper flakes now. It sucks. What's your opinion on people who stretch their ears? Hey, do what you want. I’ll admit the really stretched out lobes freak me out, though. Do you think tattoos are expressive art or unattractive? To me they can be either one, it just depends. What is your school mascot? -- Do you find black and white photos to be pretty? Yeah. Food you make doesn't taste as good as food made by others, true? Sometimes. Especially foods like sandwiches for some reason. I think they’re way better when my mom or a deli makes them.  Is there a certain color that doesn't look good on you? I don’t think I look good in anything, so. Have you ever heard anything interesting about Nova Scotia, Canada? Not that I can recall. Have you ever seen a bear in the wild? No, thankfully. Do you know when you will get to see your significant other next? I’m single. What's the book you're currently reading? ”Such a Good Girl” by Willow Rose. Is your room currently a disaster? No. If going to a concert, do you prefer it to be outside or in a stadium? Definitely in a stadium.

Do you have a case for your camera? I use the camera on my phone, which I do have a case for. Can your cellphone take a beating? I’ve dropped it a few times and so far so good. Is there a month you prefer over others? October and December. Do you ever buy lottery tickets? Just a couple of times. Can you recall the most disturbing movie you've ever seen? A Clockwork Orange is one. Are you more of a tape or a glue person? Tape. Of course, it does depend on what I’m doing. In some cases, glue is the better option.  Has anyone you know gotten mono? Not that I know of. What is/or was your graduating year? I graduated UC in 2015. Have you had a weird dream lately? All my dreams are weird. Have you ever gotten an autograph from someone famous? Yes. Do you own a pair of slippers? No. Do you ever watch VHS movies anymore? No. I don’t even recall the last time. Has your computer ever decided to completely erase itself? No, but I’ve lost stuff because of viruses back in the day. :(

Only when the power goes out do we realize how much we rely on it, true? It definitely becomes quite apparent quite quickly. Have you ever picked an apple off the tree and eaten it? No. Can you say yes / no in different languages? ”Si” and “No”, ha. Are you good at styling your own hair? No. Especially not anymore since I just don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything with my hair, which is why it was always up in a bun. I finally just cut it really short and have been wearing a cute wig if I go somewhere cause that’s all I can to do right now. I am sad, though. It was so long.   Out of the traditional superheroes, which one is your favorite? The Scarlett Witch and Iron Man. What color is the shirt you're wearing right now? Black. Have you ever been lost? Physically and figuratively, yes.

The Wizard of Oz (1939); AFI #10

The next movie up for review from the AFI Top 100 is the most watched film of all time and likely the film I have seen all the way through the most times, The Wizard of Oz (1939). This film opens with what is rated as the very best song in film history. It continues with what is rated as the most well known moment in movie history. It moves forward with what is rated as one of the most well known plot lines in movie history. The movie ends with one of the most well known quotes in movie history. The shoes worn by the lead actress are one of the most popular exhibits in the Smithsonian Museum and listed as the most valuable and treasured film memorabilia in movie history. I am proud to say I know and love this film and am happy to discuss why it is so great. In case you have lived in a cave or been in a coma for 75 years, I will very briefly go over the story. For once I am not doing a spoiler warning. This breakdown is very non-specific and if you don’t know the story of the most watched film of all time that has been around for 80 years, that’s on you.

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Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) lives with her dog Toto on a Kansas farm belonging to her Aunt Em (Clara Blandick) and Uncle Henry (Charley Grapewin). Toto bites neighbor Miss Almira Gulch (Margaret Hamilton) on the leg, leading her to obtain a sheriff's order to have the dog killed. Miss Gulch takes Toto away, but he escapes and returns to Dorothy; she decides to run away to save her dog. Not far from the farm, Dorothy runs into Professor Marvel (Frank Morgan), a fortune-teller who uses his crystal ball to make the young girl believe that Aunt Em is heartbroken. Dorothy rushes home as a tornado approaches. Aunt Em, Uncle Henry, and the farmhands take shelter in the storm cellar and lock it behind them. Dorothy has to seek shelter in her bedroom, where the window is blown in and hits her on the head, knocking her unconscious. The house is sent spinning into the air, and she awakens to see various figures fly by, including Miss Gulch, who transforms into a witch on a broomstick.

The house lands with a sudden bump and Dorothy goes out to find that the land outside her house is a world of very bright color. She has landed in Munchkinland in the Land of Oz. The switch from sepia tone to color might be the most famous moment in cinema history. Glinda the Good Witch of the North and the Munchkins welcome her as a heroine, as the falling house has killed the Wicked Witch of the East. The Munchkins sing to her and offer her many gifts as the Wicked Witch had long terrorized the country. Suddenly, her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton again), arrives to claim her sister's ruby slippers, but Glinda transfers them onto Dorothy's feet. Enraged, the Wicked Witch swears revenge on Dorothy and vanishes. Glinda tells Dorothy to follow the Yellow Brick Road to Emerald City, where she can ask the Wizard of Oz to help her return home. On her journey, Dorothy meets the Scarecrow (Ray Bolger), who wants a brain; the Tin Woodman (Jack Haley), who seeks a heart; and the Cowardly Lion (Bert Lahr), who desires courage. She invites them to accompany her and ask the Wizard for what they lack. Despite the Witch's attempts to stop them with sleeping spells and other magic, they reach the city. The group is stopped at the door by a guard (Frank Morgan again), let in and driven on a color changing horse (by a character played by Frank Morgan), and then taken by a soldier (again played by Frank Morgan) to see the Wizard (once again, played by Frank Morgan), who appears as a giant ghostly head. He agrees to grant their requests if they bring him the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West.

As they make their way to the Witch's castle, the Witch captures Dorothy and plots to kill her, as she cannot remove the slippers otherwise. Toto escapes and leads her three friends to the castle. They ambush three guards, don their uniforms, and free Dorothy. The Witch and more guards pursue and surround them. The Witch sets fire to the Scarecrow, causing Dorothy to toss a bucket of water on him, inadvertently splashing the Witch, who melts until only her black witch outfit remains. The guards rejoice and give Dorothy her broomstick. Upon their return, the Wizard stalls in fulfilling his promises until Toto pulls back a curtain, exposing the "Wizard" as a fraud operating machinery. Admitting to being a humbug, he insists he is "a good man, but a bad wizard." He gives the Scarecrow a diploma, the Lion a medal, and the Tin Man a ticking heart-shaped clock, helping them see that they already possessed the qualities they wanted. He offers to take Dorothy and Toto home in his hot air balloon, revealing that he is also from Kansas, and was originally a carnival showman before his balloon escaped the Earth and brought him to the Emerald City.

As Dorothy and the Wizard prepare to depart, the Wizard places the Scarecrow in charge of Emerald City, with the Tin Man and the Lion as his aides. Toto leaps from Dorothy's arms. As Dorothy pursues Toto, the balloon departs with the Wizard. Glinda then appears and tells Dorothy that she has always had the power to return home using the ruby slippers. After Dorothy bids the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion goodbye, Glinda instructs her to tap her heels together three times and say, "There's no place like home." When Dorothy does, she wakes up in her bedroom, surrounded by her family and friends. Everyone dismisses her adventure as a dream, but Dorothy insists it was real. She says she will never run away again and declares, "There's no place like home!"

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Let me mention the one and only thing that bothered me about the story and that is the fate of Toto. The dog is not cleared of biting Gulch and would still be scheduled to die. Whether or not the victim is dead, the sheriff would still have his order to kill the dog. I would have liked a throw away line saying that the dog was pardoned. I imagine that the dog was given a reprieve, but there is no evidence of this and falls squarely to my own imagination.

Although not listed as the greatest American movie, the AFI has put this movie on more top lists than any other film. The Wicked Witch of the West was the #4 villain, “Over the Rainbow” was the #1 song, “Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore” is the #4 quote, the movie is #43 in thrills and #26 in cheers, and it is the #3 musical and the #1 fantasy. In the last 30 years, the movie was in the inaugural 25 movies to go on the National Film Registry, listed on UNESCO’s Memory of the World, and placed as one of the top 100 movies by the BFI, Total Film, Sight and Sound, Entertainment Weekly, Bravo, Rolling Stone, and The Village Voice. There really is no question as to the value of this film and its iconic place in film history.

Like many other films, however, this film had a lot of problems in production. Famously so. Wicked Witch actress Margaret Hamilton was burned very badly with pyrotechnics during the fiery exit from Munchkinland. The Tin Man was supposed to be played by Buddy Ebsen, but the original paint used for the costume was toxic and Ebsen was rushed to the hospital and had to leave the project completely. The opening song was set to be cut for time, but the director fought for it. Speaking of directors, the film started out with Norman Taurog, who was replaced by Richard Thorpe, who was replaced by George Cukor briefly (who eventually became an advisor), who was finally replaced by Victor Fleming. The direction of the film that is now known and loved was mostly the idea of Cukor despite Fleming getting the credit. 

The actors also had a difficult time with the shoot because of the whole studio system of the 30s and 40s. The producers did not recognize the toxic effects of the makeup on the actors until one of them was hospitalized. Most of the main actors had dual roles (this includes the witch, the lion, the tin man, the scarecrow, and the man playing the wizard had 5 speaking roles) and were constantly exhausted. The little people that played the munchkins were famously mistreated and were payed less than the dog. Because of this, it is reported that many of the little people actors behaved poorly on set. 

The child actors who portrayed Munchkins that are still alive today (there are still a few) say that everything was hectic with a constant sense of urgency, but it was because everyone seemed to know they were making something great. What had originally seemed like a hokey fairy tale was truly becoming magical, and everyone on set wanted to be a part of it. I know that thinking everyone was treated well and were glad to be there in a Hollywood production from the 30s is very naïve, but the product is so perfect and beautiful that I have to believe.

The performance of Margaret Hamilton was so over the top and perfect. Her ability to do an evil laugh is what nailed the part, and she used this to terrify viewers into believing her to be murderous. She never kills anyone, but she sure likes to play with fire around the scarecrow. Hamilton worried that she would be typecast as an evil character and scare children (which she was and did). It did not stop her from getting into the part and she did it so well that children ran away from her in real life. I found her face in the crystal ball to be especially terrifying.

It is very difficult to separate the beauty of the film and the beauty of the music. Most of the songs are quite whimsical and used to introduce the characters. The sound is like an extra character as it reveals mood changes and gives away character traits. The witch’s theme gives the feel of something hunting you down. The wizard is wonderous and awesome. Dorothy is melancholy but at the same time hopeful. The traveling music, called “We’re Off to See the Wizard,” might be the most descriptive sound for feeling and speed ever put to film. The score keeps the film constantly moving and tells the story when the characters aren’t able. And of course there is the opening. My mom used to sing this to me at bedtime and I thought she sounded just like Judy Garland. This comparison is likely not objectively true, but I love my mom and I loved hearing her sing so it was subjectively even better. 

One last thing that I am noting as the movie plays as I type: the sets are amazing. The entire movie was shot on gigantic sound stages and the back drops are hundreds of giant murals. Some of the sets must have been massive because the characters go in so deep towards the background. Even the shots of Kansas with the plains in the background are giant sets. It is fun to try and figure out where the stage stops and the backdrop begins. It is hard to tell in some cases which trees are on the set and which trees are painted. 

The question that I always answer at the end of my AFI film reviews do not even really need to be asked on this occasion, but I will do it for consistency and posterity. Does this film deserve to be on the AFI list? Of course. There is no movie that currently exists that deserves it more. It is an allegory for the American dream and a simple tale of the American state of mind at the turn of the 20th century. This film will always have a place on this list. Would I recommend it? Simply yes. There is no film that I would recommend more. It does not matter the age or background of the person asking, I would 100% freely recommend this film. Please watch it if you haven’t. If you have, watch it again. 

I try and stay away from topical notes while making these reviews, but we are almost a year into the pandemic and it is likely going to be a terrible winter of loss. There are few things that make me happier when stuck inside than a great movie and there is no better movie for a time like this than The Wizard of Oz. It is the kind of thing that keeps us hopeful in the most simple and beautiful way. Due to travel bans and health issues, I am missing a Christmas with my mom for the first time that I can remember (I think in my life) and I felt a little better after watching the film. For a feeling of joy and love for that home you love most, watch the movie and feel good, even if just for a little bit. 

His Southern Belle 1

Masterlist Full book 1 summary in the link

Chapter 1

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC (face claim: Rose Leslie)

Word count: ~2450

Summary: Maddi starts her new school in Brooklyn and meets some new friends.

Warnings: none

Author’s Note: I started this fic when I was still in high school, and I have worked really hard on it since. I’m not a fan of some of my writing from earlier chapters, but I don’t want to change them until I at least finish writing the entire story. I will be updating this fic here on tumblr one chapter a day until I am caught up with where I am at on the other platforms I’ve posted it. If you’d like to read ahead of that schedule, you can check them out on from the links on my masterlist. I just also wanted to make the fic available here on tumblr with the rest of my fandom interactions, so this is the plan to do that!

Unless otherwise indicated, all date entries are from Maddi’s POV.

September 5, 1932

I stood in front of the small class while my new teacher introduced me. I was in my best knee length dress trying to make the best first impression but I quickly realized the style in my hometown was very different from that of teenagers in New York. The girls seemed to have a little more money than my family as they wore nicer clothes and styled their hair to the newest fashion. My long red curls were probably a little too messy and I didn't wear the same socks and shoes as the them. I tried not to show how uncomfortable I felt when our teacher asked me to say my name to the class. I smiled and said "My name is Madeline Bennett, but my Mama and Daddy called me Maddi." I immediately heard laughter from the students and it made me feel twice as self conscious. It must be my accent, people in Brooklyn definitely sounded different than those in Tennessee. As soon as the teacher let me sit, I chose the only empty seat next to small and skinny boy with blond hair. He smiled at me but it was not cruel like the other kids when I walked to my seat, so I gave a small smile back.

During lunch, I sat alone until I heard the sound of a boy talking in front of me, "hey new girl, you know I can show you around if you want. I know some great places we can sneak off to together." I politely declined as I could tell his intentions did not seem innocent. He continued to push "Come on, look I know a lot of people laughed at you in class, but I can keep you safe baby doll. Once you're with me, nobody will be laughing." I immediately looked back down at my food trying to ignore the group of boys as they snickered behind the nameless boy who talked to me. I could tell this was probably a trick considering they were clearly still mocking me like before, and I just wanted to be left alone. I tried to hold back tears as I thought about how much I wished I could go back home with my family. I didn't want to be in Brooklyn hundreds of miles away from the only home I ever knew. I didn't want make new friends or learn how to live with a new family I barely knew. I wanted my safe little town where everyone knew who I was and nobody would dare pick on me unless they wanted my brother going after them. I missed my brother more than I ever would have admitted to him.

Just then, two more boys came to my table and I thought it would only get worse. "Leave her alone Jason, she clearly doesn't want to talk to you right now," the smaller of the two said. I now recognized him as the boy I sat next to in class.

"Alright Rogers, what are you going to do to stop me?" It was a fair questions, the boy was half a foot smaller than Jason and clearly much skinnier than the already developing teen.

"Listen Gally, I know you can see me standing right next to Steve here so you clearly should know when to keep your mouth shut. Now the lady said no earlier so I think you should respect her wishes and take your friends and leave." Jason Gally stared at the taller boy, who looked more like a man, and finally decided to leave. I continued to remain frozen in place after everything that happened, until I saw the two that helped me start to walk away as well.

"Wait!" I called to them as I wanted to tell them I appreciated what they did. They turned around and looked at me and I gathered up all the courage I had left to keep talking despite knowing they will clearly hear my accent. "Thank you for that. I got your name, Steve, but I didn't really catch yours," I said to the taller one.

"James Barnes, but everyone calls me Bucky."

"Well Bucky, Steve, thank you again."

"It was no problem, Maddi right?" Steve questioned to make sure he remembered my name correctly. I was pleasantly surprised and nodded my head yes.

I took a leap of faith and suddenly asked, "would y'all like to sit with me?" They stared at me for a second and I tried to explain myself quickly, "It's just that I'm new and don't have any friends yet. You two were so kind to stand up for me and I just wanted to know if maybe you would want to sit with me." I prayed I didn't just scare the two nice people in front of me off, but then they looked at each other and sat down across the table from me. I started to smile as they began to ask me about where I was from and why I moved to Brooklyn. "I'm from Tennessee, and I moved here to live with my Aunt and Uncle. They're the only family I really have left." they stayed quiet knowing I didn't want to go too deep into that subject just yet. The two nodded and didn't push anymore about it. I was very grateful for that.

It was towards the end of lunch and Steve said "Well Maddi, I'm glad we met you. Bucky is a year older than us but we still hang out after school. Where do you live, maybe we can walk home together?" I told them the general area I moved to and they both eagerly said they lived near there. We made plans to meet after school and for a brief second I thought that maybe moving to the big city wouldn't have been as terrible as I initially thought. I wished I could be back home, but knowing that I would never get to go back, having a couple friendly people here was the best I could ask for.

September 24, 1932

“How has school been going, Maddi?” Aunt Lily asked as I ate dinner with her and Uncle Ryan.

“Alright. I made a couple friends, but I don’t really seem to fit in with the class. They dress and talk different than back home.” I played with my food a bit while I thought about how the last couple weeks have been. Steve and Bucky were definitely very nice to call friends and I liked spending time with them, but girls still gave me strange looks and boys would bother me if I wasn’t with my new companions.

“Well, our neighbors have a granddaughter on the other side of town about a year or two older than you. I’ll see if she has any extra dresses you can have,” Aunt Lily offered. I knew she and Uncle Ryan felt bad for not having enough money to spend on me, but I really didn’t mind. With their two children already grown and moved across the country, they didn’t exactly plan to pay for an extra mouth to feed. Times were hard enough as it was without unexpected expenses. I never actually met these family members before: we never had the money to travel, but I heard about them a lot.

September 30, 1932

I wore my new dress that seemed to match more with the girls at school and it made me feel a little less nervous, but I also felt sad to be giving up more and more from my life in Tennessee. I sat with Steve and Bucky at lunch like I did everyday, and we talked about frivolous things until I asked Steve what was in the book he always carried around.

“It’s a sketch pad, I like to draw,” he said shyly.

“Can I see?” I asked and he hesitantly handed me his sketch pad and I flipped through the pages in awe. Each piece of paper had beautifully drawn pictures of buildings and landscapes. He had a few with people, but one close up of a young woman and man who looked in their early 20s. “Who are they?” I curiously questioned.

“That’s my parents,” he said quietly. “It’s from a picture when they were newly married. I don’t really remember my dad, he died in the Great War.”

“I’m sorry,” I said hoping I didn’t make him feel sad as I knew how it felt to lose a parent. “I lost my ma when I was young too, not as young but still I was 5 when she got sick.”

“Is that why you moved?” Bucky asked me.

“No, I still lived with my daddy and brother, Alex, until this summer when a storm hit and they both died. I was with a friend when it hit and a tornado took down my entire house and my family inside.”

“Jeez, I’m sorry Maddi,” Steve said as I fought back a few tears thinking about what happened.

“Don’t worry about it. I was lucky to have Aunt Lily and Uncle Ryan to take me when they heard, and now I got to meet you two so that’s good I guess.” I tried to look towards the better things in situations but it was always hard.

“Well, you’re officially our friend so there’s no getting out of it now,” Bucky said with a smirk.

“Only now it’s official? What has been the last month then?” I asked with a laugh.

“A trial friendship,” Steve stated smiling.

“Yeah, just to make sure you weren’t crazy or anything” said Bucky.

“I’m glad y’all think I’m worthy of being your friend then!” I winked at them as I continued the joke. We all laughed as we finished our food and headed back to class for the day.

December 24, 1932

“The snow is so beautiful on Christmas,” I sighed as I walked through the park with Steve and Bucky like we sometimes did together.

“It sure is, but I’ve always wanted to see snow where there were no buildings in sight. Just miles of it with nothing else to mess the blanket of white up,” Steve told me as we saw children running through the already played in snow.

“That is a sight to see, but I think that's just wasted? Look at how happy all this available snow makes everyone, that’s something worth drawing.” I said this as I knew that was one of the reasons he probably liked the idea of untouched snow: to be able to draw the scene. “Draw me and Bucky!”

“What?” Bucky questioned, not sure what he had to do with this topic.

“Draw us playing in the snow,”  I requested with a smile. Bucky quickly got the idea and ran towards a clean pile. He made a snowball and threw it directly at me hitting me on the shoulder. “Alright Barnes, you have it coming to you now!” and I laughed while I ran to make a snowball as well except I missed when throwing it at him. He laughed at me until I made another and hit him square in the face. I heard a chuckle from Steve and I looked over at him sitting on a nearby bench watching us and making small rough sketches in his book. “Come one Steve, put it to memory and come play with us!” He looked slightly surprised for a second until he put his book down and came over to join our snowball fight. We did this for about an hour until we sat down on the bench to rest. Steve quickly went right back to his book to continue his scene he started on. We sat in silence for a while just taking in the day.

“What are your holiday plans, Maddi?” Bucky asked.

“I’m not sure. We haven’t really talked about it. We’ll probably go to Mass tonight and I got a small present for my aunt and uncle tomorrow. I don’t really expect much of a present for myself; besides, my favorite part has always been Christmas Eve Mass. My daddy and Alex and I would go and then always visit mama after. I guess I can’t see any of them this year since their all buried in Tennessee.” I had never really thought of that until now and it quickly took away all of my joy from playing in the snow before. “They would have liked you guys,” I added before they could reply. “You're both gentlemen and passionate about what you care for.”

“They’d like Bucky,” Steve tried to clarify as he continued to draw.

“No, they’d like you both,” I told him with confidence. “Especially you, your heart is much more kind than this silly guy sitting next to me,” I laughed as I sat between them and gestured towards Bucky.

“Hey!” Bucky said with a smile. “Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it!” Steve just stayed quiet and had a slight blush on his face.

I put my arms around both their necks and said “thank you for making Brooklyn more bearable.”

“You did that,” Steve said as he looked at me and I smiled back at him.

December 25, 1932

There was a knock on the door and I went to answer it. When I opened the door, Steve stood there waiting and I gave him a surprised smile. “Hey,” he started. “I know today is mostly spending with family so I’ll try to be quick. I just wanted to give you your present.”

“Steve, you didn’t have to get me anything!” I began to feel bad as I had nothing to give in return.

“It’s nothing, here.” He handed me a piece of paper and I saw it was a beautiful drawing of Bucky and I in the snow from the previous day. I just stared at it for a few seconds in awe before he continued, “Sorry it isn’t that detailed, I was trying to finish as quick as I could and the shading might not be-” I cut him off by hugging him.

“I love it!” I said as he wrapped his arms back around me. “I love the art you make, it’s so good. Thank you for giving me one, it really means a lot.” We both let go and and he was redder than I had ever seen him before.

“Well, I’ll keep that in mind,” he said with a chuckle. We then said our goodbyes and he went back home to spend the rest of the day with his mother.

Next Chapter

Bette Davis and Dark Victory (’39) by Theresa Brown

I was working at my computer one Saturday night a while ago when a friend texted me:

“Prognosis Negative. 8:00pm.”

I stopped what I was doing, shut everything down, turned my TV to TCM and settled into DARK VICTORY (’39). I had a good time with a sad movie about a girl who dies.

The girl? She’s been an old maid, a spinster, a waitress, an alcoholic, a secretary, a tramp, a fashion editor, a murderer, a schoolteacher, a nanny, a mother, a daughter, a half-crazed sister. She’s all those and more. She is Margo Channing. She is fearless. She is The Queen. She is TCM’s Star of the Month: the incomparable Bette Davis. Loving classic films as we do might put us in a niche audience, but anyone over 30 who has ever seen a motion picture at least knows the name Bette Davis. She’s undoubtedly the most famous female in classic films that the general population of today knows. Now if you haven’t seen this film, be forewarned, this review contains SPOILERS. If you do know it, there’ll be no surprises. Come. Walk with me through this movie.

Bette Davis plays socialite Judith Traherne, who goes through denial, grief and then acceptance of the fact she is dying. The movie shows each phase of her experience not in a jagged, disjointed, paint-by-number way, but seamlessly flowing from one situation to the next. We all have to face the inevitable. Me, I refuse to go. Nope, I ain’t goin'! But if I must, this movie might help get me through it. Max Steiner waves his baton over the music score. And director Edmund Goulding keeps it all together...even if by the end, we’re a sobbing mess.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? ~

To start. Judith’s hand-eye coordination has gotten so bad that she’s forced to see a doctor. She puts up a false bravado at Dr. Steele’s office. She rants and rails, but the Doctor (played by dependable George Brent) stays steady, focused and not scared off by this human tornado. He sees through all that and calls her out. The camera frames Davis in profile as she slowly bows her head in acknowledgement of each symptom. She’s broken. She can no longer deny it. Judith finally admits to needing help. Goulding shoots this scene well. Judith is vulnerable and Dr. Steele, commanding.

A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED ~

Hollywood newcomer Geraldine Fitzgerald plays Ann, Judith’s best friend/business manager. (You can hear the hint of the brogue still in her. Fitzgerald’s previous film was WUTHERING HEIGHTS, ‘39). Ann has the tough job; she watches over Judith. She is the Keeper of Secrets. Her eyes don’t leave the doctor for a moment when he tries to examine Judith. She...watches...him. Later, when Ann finds out Judith is not going to make it, Fitzgerald plays the scene in a way that amazed me: her gasp, the air sucked out of her, the tremor in her hands are all subtly done. I’ve replayed that moment a couple of times because Fitzgerald seemed true, genuine and pitch perfect in that moment. Ann had to go through all the emotions Judith will be going through, but she had to go through them all now...this instant. The genius of the film is rather Hitchcockian: we, the audience, are given more information than Judith. And now we are made to watch over Judith too. We hold our collective breath.

I also like how there is just the faintest whiff of jealous rivalry when Judith thinks Ann wants the doctor for herself. On a (very) personal note, what makes me chuckle is watching how the studio tries to tamp down Geraldine Fitzgerald’s looks. What a beautiful girl she was with that deep red hair; I swear you could see it through the black-and-white. I chuckle when I see how they have Fitzgerald in "sensible" shoes or a frock with long sleeves—buttoned up to her collar and down to her hem as if she were a monk—while Bette is in frilly femme-y girly clothes. Fitzgerald’s beauty shines through even if Bette is the Star. Fitzgerald is a good supporting actress. She supports Davis marvelously throughout this entire movie.

PROGNOSIS NEGATIVE ~

To be honest, this is the moment we wait for. It’s a great set-piece. Steiner sets us up on tenterhooks with his music of discovery and realization. Judith sees her file on the doctor’s desk and questions nurse Wainwright (one of my favorite character actresses...Dorothy Peterson) about it. She finds out the truth about her condition. And again, we’re given information some of the film’s characters don't have. Judith knows. And she’s gunning for Ann and the good doctor.

I'M GOING ON A BENDER...JUST TRY AND STOP ME ~

That scene in the restaurant is classic; Judith is a cat toying with two messes before she strikes the fatal blow. Ann and the doctor have no clue WHAT she’s talking about. (Huh? Wha'? Nice try.) Judith feels betrayed, tears 'em both a new one, storms into the night to drink and party and run...run...run away from all this.

The point/counterpoint of the scene, with Judith and her frivolous ritzy crowd with not a serious thought in their rich pointy heads, is good. "Oh give me time," the song goes. Davis uses those great ‘Bette Davis-eyes’ to good effect here. She can’t run. She can’t hide. She knows she is dying. Her eyes go dead. She cares about nothing.

PLEASE, MAKE ME FORGET ~

I’ve heard bones of contention made because Humphrey Bogart plays an Irishman in this, brogue and all. Is he convincing? I dunno. He and Davis appeared in a few Warner Bros. films by the time this film rolled around. (If you get a chance, watch MARKED WOMAN, ‘37.) Michael, the Bogart Irish horse trainer, makes his move on Judith. He’s always liked her, respected her. He’s not afraid of her like those other vanilla milk sops who buzz around her. She encourages his advances, but she comes to realize making out with the lower-class stable hand will not change things or stave off the inevitable. But it was an option she was willing to try. You’ll be the judge if they had chemistry or not or if Bogie is a convincing Irishman.

I’M HAPPY AND CONTENT ~

I love the scenes in Vermont with Judith and her doctor. The betrayal and recriminations are all in the past. They’re married. Judith stops running and lets love wash over her. Here’s another side to Bette. She’s all friendly and warm and giving. She’s sweet and young. She and Brent made several movies together and definitely have good chemistry. As the doctor who falls in love with his patient, he’s totally committed to her. He’s making her happy. And I’m happy Judith is happy. She’s a new woman.

KIBBITZING WITH OLD FRIENDS ~

This is a nice scene of old friends getting together. It’s Judith, Ann and Michael - the horse trainer. I liked Bogie better in THIS scene. Doesn’t he look good with the fedora and trench coat? (He’s going to wear more of this in the coming decade...and with Lauren Bacall waiting in the wings in the mid-40’s). Judith’s got her best buddy up in Vermont for a visit. She’s surrounded by people who care for her. This is a nice moment shot outside.

...BE MY FRIEND ~

What we’re told would happen, is now happening. And both women know it. It’s time. Ann takes it baaadly. Judith still has "noble" work to do to get everyone squared away. Ann holds one more secret and is made to promise not to tell the doctor. GULP! It’s a sad touching scene in the garden...their last together. When Judith sends her away telling Ann she must do this alone, it’s really tough. Nothing maudlin or mawkish. There’s a strength in it. I’m sad watching Ann run down the road, passing laughing children, running to deal with her grief alone. Losing her friend.

I LOVE YOU ~

Here is the moment where Judith totally thinks of others. Steiner doesn’t lay it on thick with harps and violins. His score is understated as it accompanies Judith’s goodbye to her husband. She’s sending him off to a medical conference in New York. She won’t be here when he returns. She puts on that false bravado once again, but this time it’s for him; to give him strength in his future without her. This a very touching scene. When he picks her off the stair-step, has her in his arms and they look out the window together, we know she’s almost totally blind.

Once again, we know more than the character in the movie. For me, this saying goodbye is reminiscent of BRIEF ENCOUNTER (‘45) or THE FALLEN IDOL (’48) where your last goodbye is spoiled by something outside yourselves.

DARK VICTORY is one of the triumphs of Bette Davis’ legendary career. We see different sides of her throughout the film. Yes, we all must face our end alone. We can only hope to leave those left behind in a better place. Stay tuned for Bette Davis every Tuesday this November on TCM. She does a fantastic job showing us her journey.

Org members (minus the babies) reacting to finding out their SO died in a way that was related to their power (but not caused by their power) (Like Demyx finding out his SO drowned, Zexion finding out his SO was hallucinating when she died, Larxene's SO being struck by lightning, etc.)

Y’ALL READY FOR SOME ANGST - I’m gonna go cry now so peace out

I can’t take full credit for all of this, either.  A big shout out to my lovely friend @nopantssaturday. The angst and pain are her fault.

TRIGGER WARNING for Depression, Suicide, Drug Use, a lack of self care, and descriptions of death.

Xemnas

S/O Cause of Death: Depression and Suicide due to Mental Deterioration

There’s something about Xemnas that really tears your brain to pieces.  Just being in his presence for long periods of time tears away at your psyche, so it stands to reason that long term exposure to him and his powers would just eat away at your brain.

He doesn’t really show that he’s sad, but he isn’t really surprised.  There were days when he could tell that something was wrong with you, when you were too easily distracted and you wouldn’t respond to your name and you would stare out of the window for hours on end.  You weren’t fully there, he just never thought that you would resort to something that would take you away from him forever.

Xigbar

S/O Cause of Death: Shot and Killed In A Drive-By

He hadn’t wanted you to go on this mission alone, but you had insisted because it would be quick and easy, but little did he realize that you wouldn’t ever be coming back and the argument you had about being able to take care of yourself would be the last time he would ever speak to you.

The others had been hesitant about telling him what happened to you, especially since they didn’t exactly have a body to bring back, but he took it surprisingly well, all things considered.  Most of them don’t even notice when he gets more and more hesitant about picking up his own weapons because the thought of his own arrow guns doing something to one of the other members scares him.

Gets angry.  So, so angry.  None of them had ever seen him so angry before.  He always had that playful personality that said he was always ten steps ahead of you, but now he’s just… blank and cruel.

Xaldin

S/O Cause of Death: Suffocation in a Tornado

It’s his fault.  He knows that it is even if you would never blame him for it. He gets so enraged at something - really, he doesn’t even remember what it was - that he causes a wind vortex.  He doesn’t notice you with one arm outstretched toward him and the other clutching your throat as you try to reach him, desperately trying to breathe despite the lack of oxygen around you.  He doesn’t realize what happened until after you’re gone.

Goes pretty much numb.  Realizes he needs to control his emotions better before he hurts anyone else, so he becomes an emotionless mess that doesn’t really feel much of anything.  It’s depression.  There’s no spark for him in life anymore.  At an urging from Lexaeus, he and Vexen end up slipping an antidepressant into Xaldin’s food.  It doesn’t really work much, but some is better than nothing.

Wallows in his own shame.  Doesn’t really understand how bad he’s gotten until he’s sparring with Lexaeus and he sends Lexaeus to Vexen because his arm was pulled out of its socket.  Learns to hold himself back a bit but definitely breaks a couple of sandbags and punches some holes in the walls before he gets full control of his aggression.

Vexen

S/O Cause of Death: Experiment Gone Wrong

You’re helping Vexen with an experiment when it happens.  He’s testing something that could possibly give you ice powers like he has.  All the other tests had been successful, so there was no doubt that it would work on you, too. He thought he had a breakthrough and, for a while, it worked.  But then…. something goes terribly wrong.

Your fingers start to go numb.  And the feeling goes up your arm, to your shoulders, your chest, down your whole body and up to the top of your head.  It takes a little less than twenty seconds for the ice to reach your heart, no time at all for him to do anything to save you. He stepped out of the room for two seconds and by the time he returned, you were gone.  From that moment on, he refuses to have any distractions.  His love for you was a distraction and you paid the price for it.

He abandons the experiment.  It’s a failure.  He throws away all of his notes and data because he can’t stand to look at it.  Throws himself into his other work and doesn’t take care of himself. You aren’t there, so what’s the point?  Sometimes forcibly dragged out of the lab by the other members so he can get some rest, especially when Zexion starts to get really worried.

Lexaeus

S/O Cause of Death: Death by Rockslide

Saw the rocks crumbling down and down as if in slow motion.  It was from an attack that had simply gotten out of hand from someone on the far side of the battlefield - an explosion gone wrong or something.  But it was too noisy and you didn’t hear him shouting for you over the noise and you didn’t even notice the rocks falling toward you until it was too late.

Would start digging into the rubble until his hands were bleeding profusely, but stops once he finds your hand and realizes that you have no pulse.  The others have to dig you out because he’s much too busy crying.  It’s the first time that any of them have ever seen him cry real tears and they just keep coming without stopping.  Slams his fists into the ground so hard that he causes a small dust storm.

It’s the first and only time they see him with so much emotion. There’s nothing.  No emotion.  Even less talking than before.  Never smiles ever. No one can ever seem to reach him because he’s just too far gone.

Zexion

S/O Cause of Death: Hallucinating and Overdosed after Being Injected with a Cocktail of Hallucinogens

It started out innocent enough.  He shows you his power of Illusion and you thoroughly enjoys it.  It’s beautiful and entertaining and you so fascinating, so you keep asking him to put you under over and over again.  He realizes that it’s becoming a problem and puts a stop to it because living so much in a fantasy world isn’t healthy in the slightest.

But by then, you’re addicted.  You need more and more and you turn to the only place you can get it: drugs. It’s nothing like Zexion’s illusions - not even close to being as fascinating, so you try more and more and more until you go a little too overboard.  Zexion considers himself an absolute fool for not noticing the signs and blames himself for it completely.

Guilt ridden and can’t sleep.  Doesn’t turn to any kind of substance because he knows that it isn’t healthy.  Finally, the others get so worried that he hasn’t slept in weeks so Lexaeus and Xaldin hold him down while Vexen gives him a powerful sedative.  Now, he sleeps all the time.  It’s a good escape from the regular world when his own illusions don’t help him.

Saix

S/O Cause of Death: Disappeared on the Night of the Full Moon

Everyone thinks that Saix has it the worst.  They can’t imagine a more horrible fate.  He doesn’t know what happened to you.  No one does.  One day you were there, happy, smiling, sleeping comfortably next to him.  Then you left one night and just. never came back.  He keeps looking for you, constantly, gathering search parties to look until they’ve all given up and keep sending him looks of pity.

But he has to know. He has to.  He needs closure because he has to know what happened or it might literally drive him insane.  People start to whisper, spreading rumors that he’s the one who killed you, but he denies the rumor.  Refuses to believe that he could have ever done something like that, but… was it him? Did he do something to you and he just didn’t realize it?  The idea all but drives him insane.

Starts getting hallucinations about what happened.  Goes into a state of delirium from the stress and he’s unsure of what’s real and what isn’t.  Gets visions about what happened - visions about him tearing you apart.  He isn’t sure if they’re real or not, but he thinks they might be even if he doesn’t understand.

Axel

S/O Cause of Death: Stuck in a Burning House

It was an accident.  Axel knows this.  But it doesn’t stop him from feeling like it wasn’t his fault.  He started the fire because he was just messing around and having fun, but then it got out of control and the room was destroyed and you were trapped where he couldn’t reach you.

It drives him insane. Nightmares so vivid that he can feel the heat on his skin and can’t stop seeing the flames rise up as you scream for help across the room - so close, so close but he just can’t reach you.

Definitely feels guilty and doesn’t know how to stop the guilt.  Thinks he’s somewhat of a monster and spends a lot of time looking at his hands, wondering if there was something he could have done if he had been serious and hadn’t been messing around. Kind of wants to stop using his powers altogether.

Demyx

S/O Cause of Death: Drowned

Almost completely loses his spark.  All of that energy he always has - that bright and shiny attitude that people have come to expect from him - all but disappears.  It wasn’t his fault, but knowing that he wasn’t there to stop it… it all but drives you insane. Especially because… He could have prevented it.  He just didn’t hear you calling for help because he was playing his sitar and couldn’t hear you over the music.

Comes to resent music a bit.  He stops playing for a very long time and the other members get a little uncomfortable at seeing him being so serious all of the time.  Feels like a complete idiot because it’s the fault of his own stupidity.

Gets a fear of deep, dark water where you can’t see the bottom.  Doesn’t like to swim anymore, either.  If someone happens to splash him with water or something, especially in his face where he accidentally gets water up his nose, he tends to panic.

Luxord

S/O Cause of Death: Lost in a High Stakes Game of Cards

It’s his fault and he knows it.  He became too cocky and too confident and bet your life when it wasn’t his to use and ended up losing you in the process.  He has no one to blame but himself.  He gets weird looks from the other members that make him uncomfortable because they all know, but none of them know how to confront him about it because he’s already beating himself up enough.

Starts drinking to deal with the guilt.  Begins with adding a little brandy with his tea until it basically becomes all alcohol and no tea at all.  Only the booze seems to take the edge off.  Screws himself up big time.

Kind of torn between never gambling again or throwing himself into gambling to control the guilt and sadness.  If he practices more…. if he gets unbeatable like he once thought he was…. maybe this could have been prevented.

Marluxia

S/O Cause of Death: Poisoned by Hemlock

None of them are quite sure how it got into your system.  Marluxia is sure that you wouldn’t have done that to yourself, so the suspicion immediately goes toward the other members.  Tensions are high as they all try to figure out who was responsible, but they never find out.

Marluxia, meanwhile, purges any and all hemlock in his garden.  Recruits Axel to follow him and burn the damn things to the ground. Hemlock, the English Yew, the poison Ivy, the Poinsettias, all of the strands of Lily of the Valley and… well.  He doesn’t destroy the Aconite.  They were your favorites and he doesn’t have the heart to get rid of them entirely.

Neglects the rest of his garden for a while even though Larxene tries to keep it up for him while he grieves.  Some of the plants die because she’s not good at gardening, but she tries her best.  She avoids him, though, because she simply isn’t good at comforting people and she doesn’t want to make him feel worse.

Larxene

S/O Cause of Death: Struck by Lightning

Larxene refuses to feel guilty because it literally isn’t her fault and she knows it.  It was a freak accident of nature that she literally couldn’t control.  Acts like a bad bitch that doesn’t feel anything but heaven forbid someone happens to bring up something about her former S/O because she will SNAP at them.  Turns out she can only act like a bad bitch if no one ever mentions your name.  No one is allowed to talk about you. Ever.

All of that panic and guilt just at hearing about you or seeing her own powers in action makes her become very defensive.  Eventually has a breakdown from all of the pent up emotion.  It all but drives her crazy.

After that, they really don’t see her around much anymore. No one really knows what happened to her.

Would it be awesome to see you do all 100 asks? Yes. Will you do them? We shall see.

Wanna bet 

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? - More cereal than milk! 

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?- No, actually. I hate the cold ^^' And if there's cold air on my cheeks then it's on my nose and that's no good 

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? - Usually a post it note! Not very random, but it's normally what I have on hand. 

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? - Depends on my mood! Sometimes I'll take my coffee black, other times ill add a fricc ton of creamer, whipped cream, and sugar. Also sometimes I mix coffee with hot chocolate and it's amazing. 

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? - Very. 

6: do you keep plants? - Always. I still have the carnations from Valentines Day (which surprisingly haven't died yet) 

7: do you name your plants? - Nope. 

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? - just a mechanical pencil or a graphite pencil. They usually end up being sketches. But if I like how it looks I'll go over them in pen. 

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? - Yes and no? I'd do it more often but I don't want anyone to hear me. Especially my mom. 

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? - Side, always facing the wall. 

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? - The only one I can think of off the top of my head is *slap slap slap* *jumps out window*. No I will not explain. 

12: what’s your favorite planet? - Pluto! Or Make Make. Make Make used to be my favorite because me and my brother would pronounce it wrong on purpose. But Pluto is ver pretty. 

13: what’s something that made you smile today? - seeing my brother's reaction to his birthday present from me! I made a little felt monkey with bushy eyebrows (I needle felted it) 

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? - Probably very messy. But also it would constantly smell like food! 

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! - Mars is shrinking. It is Smol. 

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? - Fettuccine Alfredo with Shrimp! It's what I usually ordered at Olive Garden until I found out that it was expensive and was probably stressing out my parents. 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? - Don't laugh okay but pink! I want to dye the bottom half of my hair bright freaking pink. Like hot pink. 

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. - That time I slapped a guy twice for picking me up. That guy was my best friend. He picked me up from behind and I sorta whipped around and slapped him. The first time he didn't put me down, he just laughed. So I slapped him again. He got the hint. 

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?- I don't. I tried a while back, but I figured it would be easier just to talk to people about my issues instead of writing them down. 

20: what’s your favorite eye color? - Green. Or dark brown. 

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. - Not sure what this means, sorry. I've got this pencil pouch that has a tree print on it that I've used for a few years now even though it has a hole it it. Does that count? 

22: are you a morning person? - No. I wake up at 5:30 am on weekdays and usually don't get out of bed until I have ten minutes to get ready and leave. 

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? - Stay in my room and draw! Although I don't have lazy days. Every time my mom comes upstairs I immediately start cleaning because if I don't she'll yell at me for being lazy. 

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? - Yes. Take a look at who sent this ask. Also my other two online friends! One of them I spam with worms on a string and the other I just know I can trust and I don't know why. 

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? - the only place I've broken into is my own house. I had to climb the backyard fence to go through the back door because me and my brother forgot our keys. 

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? - My plain black tennis shoes. I need to get new ones because these ones are old and barely fit but every time I mention it, it's like I never said a word. 

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? - Candy Cane! 

28: sunrise or sunset? - Sunset! I get to see the sun setting behind the Rocky Mountains and it's really pretty. 

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? - exist 

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? - Yes. I'd rather not talk about it. 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. - socks can burn in hell for all I care. I hate socks. I only wear them if I have to (like while wearing shoes) 

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. - I remember being at a sleepover a few days before I moved (this was in South Korea) and I woke up at 3:34 am (yes I remember the time don't ask why) because one of my friends was playing Megalovania on the keyboard. Then she turned around and asked who the hell took her pretzels. They were under her pillow. 

33: what’s your fave pastry? - c w a s o a n t (with jelly inside!) 

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? - I still have this stuffed animal now (I have all of my stuffed animals. I haven't brought myself to get rid of them). It's a little pink blanket with a bunny head named Squeek. Not Squeak. I didn't know how to spell that. 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? - No. I don't have any. 

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? - https://youtu.be/7TqLXIBG-6g   not a band but still

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? - Messy! It may sound strange, but I can't find anything when it's clean. It also feels empty unless I've got stuff all over the floor. 

38: tell us about your pet peeves! - When I tell remind someone of the rules and they say "okay" and continue breaking them. Like we aren't supposed to put pans in the dishwasher because it ruins the pans. Yet my brother always puts them in there. I remind him and take it out, and he says "okay" and puts it back. I also hate it when I ask someone to stop doing something (usually when it's making me nervous or upset) and they ask "WhY?" in a really annoying tone and keep doing it. I ALSO hate it when I'm in charge and yet no one listens to me. 

I also don't like it when no one says thank you. It makes it seem like they don't appreciate me. 

39: what color do you wear the most? - Grey. I want to wear colorful clothes but the last time we went clothes shopping and I asked for pastel colors, I walked out of the store with grey, light grey, brown, and dark blue clothes. 

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? - I have a locket that I made for my seventh birthday. It has little charms in it (a rose, my first initial, a heart key, and a birthday cake) and it's gold. I love it and I don't know why. 

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? - There's a book series that I don't remember the name of but it's about a girl who is forcibly turned into a siren by three other sirens. She has to eat human hearts to live. It's kinda gorey, kinda romantic, lots of action. I love it. 

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! - Unfortunately no, I usually get coffee at a gas station ^^' 

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? - My dog Freyja! Whenever I take out trash, she comes with, and when the sky is clear I like to point out the starts with her before we go back inside. She's very sweet. But I can't stargaze for more than a minute. 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? - Last year I went on a trip to Florida to stay with my grandparents for a week. I remember waking up one morning with a beautiful view of the ocean and the sound of waves crashing onto the shore. My grandparents have an apartment of sorts that faces the Atlantic and you can literally go down the stairs and go swim in the ocean if you want to, it's like a two minute walk, not even. I love the ocean and the sound of waves and seagulls is always calming to me. But my house is very loud and there's no peace here. 

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? - Yes. When I have a bad feeling about something, I address it. It's not always true, but I don't want to risk anything. 

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. - Sorry, I don't know many puns. I guess I'm just not a pun-ny person. 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? - fucking macaroni with bread crumsb that shit is nasty af 

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? - Storms, especially tornados. Now my biggest fear is death. Whether I'm the one dying or its someone I care about. 

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? - Not really, I don't have money to buy anything ^^' Even when I do have money, I spend it on art stuff. That reminds me that I need to fix my radio. 

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? - Fabric. I have so much and I don't even use it. But when I see a nice fabric, I get it (if I have money). 

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? - 'Old Timer Rock and Roll' (probably not the name of it) always reminds me of my dad. One day we were driving in his Jeep, just us two, and I mentioned that I wasn't a fan of the music on the radio. We ended up compromising and that song was the first one on the radio station that we switched to. 

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? - I am unfortunately not up to date with the memes. Although the ones where it's like "you've mc-ed your last Donald" or "you've ratted your last tatouille" always make me exhale aggressively. 

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? - None of the above! I've been wanting to watch Heather's though. I just never get around to doing it. 

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? - My brother. Not the same one from before. 

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? - nothing, sorry. I'm not very dramatic. 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? - when they pour their heart out about a certain subject that they love. I know a lot of people tend to bottle up their opinions but when someone trusts me aniugh to tell me all about it, it's just sorta nice. 

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? - I just sorta spaced out for the first have then did a little dance for the rest of it. I love the line "I see a little silhouetto of a man" and it's more upbeat and the music just makes me dance a little 

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? - bold of you to assume I have a group of friends 

59: what’s your favorite myth? - There's this one I heard as a kid that involves a faceless girl on the side of a highway who tries to steal faces. 

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? - I can't think of any off the top of my head, but poetry is nice! 

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? - I don't really remember. I try to only give gifts that are meaningful. 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? - nope! I usually drink milk! 

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? - I usually leave my music to its own devices, but all the books are organized by series and genre. 

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? - Blue! Just any other afternoon sky. 

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? - My older brother. We don't get to talk much. 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? - Colorful, with a few white flowers! 

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? - Those are usually the days that I don't feel anything. 

68: what’s winter like where you live? - The weather is all over the place. A little snow, then the next day, it's like 60°F. Not even joking. It snowed Friday and Saturday was warm. 

69: what are your favorite board games? - Monopoly and Battleship! 

70: have you ever used a ouija board? - No, but I really want to. But my dad won't let me. 

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? - I don't really drink tea, sorry! 

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? - Nope. I'll forget it anyway. I usually set alarms for certain things but then I don't do it. 

73: what are some of your worst habits? - Biting the inside of my cheek and scratching/pinching my arm when I'm nervous. 

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. - kind, a good listener, talented, and understanding 

75: tell us about your pets! - We have four dogs. There's Emrys (the dog I've posted pictures of before), Cirilla (a husky German Shepard mix, very sweet), Cayde-6 (a Rottweiler mix I think, super energetic, loud, and steals food off the counter even when someone is watching), and Freyja (a German Shepard mix, puppy, also very sweet! She knows the phrase 'give hugs' and she always comes with me to take out the trash for whatever reason). I also have a Guinea Pig (who I want to get a friend for because she's lonely, but my parents keep saying no) names Neo. 

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? - Working on my Someconsious series, cleaning, and probably checking in with some friends. 

77: pink or yellow lemonade? - Pink 

78: are you in the minion hateclub or Fan club? - Hate club. I don't like them. They're just annoying and bright and their language is stupid to me. 

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? - One of my exes surprised me with a cars and roses out of nowhere. It wasn't Valentines Day, it wasn't my birthday, he just went out of his way to do something nice for me when I was having a rough week. 

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? - They're a sort of off white. I want to paint them light lavender or pale blue but my parents have only painted the living room and refuse to paint anywhere else for whatever reason. I know we can afford paint, I know we have time. They just stopped caring. 

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. - Not sure what it means by abstract, but I'll try. Her eyes are similar to the bottom of a small river. The brown in the middle with green rings on the edges remind me of a river I used to go fishing in back in Oklahoma. 

82: are/were you good in school? - I'm okay. I have all A's and B's, but I have easy subjects that aren't very hard. 

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? - I don't really listen to albums, my music taste is mostly individual songs. Even then I don't really pay attention to the art. 

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? - I want to get a quote of sort on my ankle. Something in another language so I can tell them it means something mysterious and deep when in reality it's the description of a toaster oven that hasn't been cleaned since 1995.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? - I read a few webcomics if that counts! I like Castle Swimmer a lot! Gay fish bapeys are best fish bapeys. 

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? - I don't know what those are, sorry 

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? - The Princess Bride and the Last Unicorn. But I'm biased because they're both a part of my childhood. 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? - not in particular! 

89: are you close to your parents? - I'm only close with my dad. My stepmom can go fuck herself. She just told us that's she'll be making a schedule for the next two weeks because there won't be school. One of the weeks was spring break anyway! We aren't missing much! 

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. - I like Palm Beach in Florida! It's fairly quiet, right next to the ocean, and filled with retired people who are all really nice. 

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? - Nowhere, we don't travel much. I really want to go to Florida again though. 

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? - I don't add cheese at all! It sort of ruins the texture for me. Especially the grated sprinkle cheese stuff l. I hate now it feels. 

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? - I just keep my hair down. I don't like it in any other way. 

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? - My brother. His birthday is today! 

95: what are your plans for this weekend? - cry a lot cry some more lose feelings for a few hours draw watch YouTube art videos then try not to yell at my mom like I did last week

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? - I just get it over with so I can do whatever needs to be done. Or I schedule it for when I'm not going to be using it. 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? - INFP-T/Mediator, Scorpio, and Hufflepuff 

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?- A few weeks ago. And no, I did not enjoy it considering I was supposed to be working on an important project that day. 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. - Where We Started, If You're Going Through Hell, and We Like to Numb (a mix of We Like to Party and Numb) 

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? - Future. In five years I plan on being in college and I want to see what I should be prepared for and if my interests have changed. 

This took me at least an hour and a half. Thank you though! I 

“Pre-Reaper” Headcanons

Ok, so now that I’ve gotten off of my lazy ass, here are the “pre-Reaper” headcanons I promised forever ago.  Just so you know - they’re not the best literature in the world and are kinda long....

We’ll be starting with Grelle’s.  I wanted to explore how “Jack the Ripper” evolved (that being said, don’t expect sunshine and rainbows, here), so I took some notes from the real Jack’s psychological profile.  From there, I just took off and fashioned a (at least somewhat possible) back-story for our beautiful, crimson psycho.

Anyway – on with the headcanon:

Grelle Elijah Sutcliff was the second child and first son born to Jameson Sutcliff, an English noble and his wife, Adelheid Reinhard, the daughter of a German Count.  While the family was not outrageously wealthy, they lived comfortably and respectably in the English countryside.  For the first few years of his life, Grelle was a happy, albeit shy child, loved by his parents and adored by his older sister, Eleanor (who was three years his senior).  Following the birth of his younger sister, Hannah when he was seven-years-old, things began to change for him.  For reasons unknown to him, Eleanor started ignoring him.  She no longer wanted to play with him, even when she was not playing with her friends and was often quite mean to him and it only got worse as they got older.  When Grelle was ten, he started to understand why Eleanor no longer seemed to like him.  Their father told him, as he had told her, that when he grew up he would inherit the family estate and not his sister, even though she was the first born.  The Baron’s family had a tradition of passing the title and fortune on to the firstborn son – it would only pass to a daughter if there was no male heir.  

From that point on, no matter how much he tried to mend things with Eleanor, the two siblings were always at odds with each other.  He still had the affection of little Hannah, who adored her big brother and called him her best friend.  The two were inseparable, always playing games or reading with each other.  Hannah always loved it when her brother sang to her.  Though she was very young, she was the first to realize that her brother was different.  When he, too, realized that he was growing to be more attracted to boys, he was scared.  His father always spoke poorly of men like that and he was afraid to tell his mother, though she seemed to have no real opinion on it, for fear that it might get back to the Baron.  And he refused to tell Eleanor, knowing that it definitely would.  Needing to tell someone, he told Hannah, who promised to keep his secret.

At age eleven, Grelle had a frightening encounter that scarred him for life.  As a small child he had been afraid of thunderstorms, but had grown out of the fear as he got older and started to enjoy watching them from the safety of the house.  One afternoon, as he was coming back to the house from a riding lesson, a fierce storm had stirred, worse than any Grelle had witnessed before.  As he ran to the house for cover, the wind suddenly picked-up and he found himself being thrown a few meters east of the house.  He managed to escape the incident with only a few scrapes and bruises and learned later that the winds were from small tornado that had skirted around the edge of the estate before moving down towards the town.  From that point on, Grelle’s fear of thunderstorms returned with a vengeance and remained into his adult years.

When Grelle turned fourteen, tragedy struck the family.  They had all taken the inoculation against Smallpox – a fairly recent and notoriously risky procedure.  While Grelle, his parents, and Eleanor made a full recovery from the weakened strain of the disease, seven-year-old Hannah was not so lucky.  Grelle stayed at his little sister’s side as the disease ravaged her tiny body.  Seeing how scared she was, he held her as she was fading, singing her favorite song to her until she was gone.

Following Hannah’s death, everything was different for the Sutcliff family.  In his despair, the guilt-ridden Baron began to drink and became harsh with his family and servants.  Though he had suspected Grelle’s inclinations, he chose to ignore it at first, but after taking to the bottle and forcing a confession out of the boy, he began to belt his son for any slight infraction.  Eleanor, knowing their father would never lay a hand on her, took pleasure in playing informant and getting her brother in trouble.  As for the Baroness, she was a broken woman following the death of her youngest child.  Rather than the head-strong woman who stood as her husband’s equal, she became meek and submissive, unable to stand up to the Baron as he beat their son.  

Things got worse for Grelle as time went on.  Though his family did their best to hide the truth about his sexuality in order to protect their reputation, rumors were starting to spread after he turned down several propositions of marriage.  The ladies involved were all of high breeding, whose family riches would revive his ever-decreasing inheritance.  Bitter towards his family, Grelle no longer cared about keeping up their appearance and began to rebel against them.  He attended parties catering to other men like himself and frequented male brothels.  He further gained the hatred of his sister, when some of her own promising suitors seemed to pay more attention to him than to her.  While he was not intentionally stealing them away from her, he was not rejecting their advances either.  After she caught him kissing one that she had been courting for several months, he pointed out to her that she should consider the fact that if her suitor was fooling around with him, he could not be that interested in her and was more than likely sneaking around with others in the past months as well.  This did not fare well with her or their father, who gave Grelle the worst beating yet, blaming him for ruining Eleanor’s courtship and her chance of marrying into a wealthy family, as the Baroness could only look on.  

Pushed to his breaking point, Grelle forced the Baron off of him, grabbed a knife from the dining table and stabbed the older man.  As his mother and sister looked on in terror, the servants rushed to aid the Baron and attempted to restrain Grelle before he could harm the rest of the family.  This proved futile, however as the redhead managed to break free of them and retreated to his chambers, locking himself in the bathroom.  As the household attempted to force open the door, Grelle refusing to allow them to take him prisoner for something he did not believe to be his fault in the first place, used the knife to cut his wrists.  By the time the door was broken down, he had lost too much blood and was dead before the servants could tend to him.

He was 26-years-old.  Baron Sutcliff did not survive the stabbing and died before a doctor could arrive.

Soooo….  If you’re still reading this post, I’m presuming you were ok with Grelle’s history and want to hear about William’s.  ??  Alrighty, then:  I’ve dropped some little Easter eggs about William’s past in my fics already, but here’s the full summary:

William was born in Salisbury to a prostitute by the name of Cordellia Gisbon.  Like many in the 18th Century, she was highly superstitious.  When she found herself pregnant with her first child, she fretted over the paternity of the baby, believing the father to be a particular one-time client of hers.  Everything about the foreigner had thoroughly unnerved her, as though she was in the presence of the Devil himself, but she took his money anyway.  Convincing herself that the odds were against him and more in favor of one of her multiple other clients, she made the decision to keep the baby.  Following complications during the birth, however, and finding that the child bore the same unusual eyes belonging to the very man she feared, she fled from the town abandoning the child on the side of the road.  The nameless, three-day-old infant was discovered late in the evening by a young couple belonging to a traveling community.  Miren was a medicine woman and midwife and her husband, Moses was a jewelry craftsman.  They were far from wealthy, but they were good people who fell in love with the abandoned baby the moment they found him.  They took him in and raised him as their own, naming him William Tiberis for their respective fathers.

William’s childhood was mostly unremarkable.  Food was scarce at times, especially in the winter, but his parents always seemed to make their situation work.  While his parents could not afford to put him school, nor were they literate themselves (at least not in English) they did teach him to read and write in their respective ancestral tongues – Miren taught him Celtic runes, while Moses taught him hieratic – in addition to teaching him their trades.  William was adored by his parents and he could not imagine having any parents he would love more.  When he was old enough to understand it, they did tell him that he was adopted and how they had found him on the road.  Initially confused and upset by the revelation, William quickly moved past it as he realized that nothing was going to change between them.  If anything, it made the little family even closer.

Whenever they set up camp outside of a small town, their group was looked upon warily by the population.  They did not identify as gypsies, but the townsfolk cared little for the difference and he was often teased by their children.  There were other children within their community and he never found himself wanting for friends.  His closest friend was a girl named Serena.  The two were practically brother and sister.  They were rarely seen without the other at their side and, likewise did one rarely end up in trouble without the other.  As they grew-up, Serena became more grounded, while William’s adventurous streak only seemed to grow wilder.  Apart from his parents, she seemed to be the only one who bring him back under control, though an argument between the two was usually involved.

When William was nineteen, several members of the community were afflicted with smallpox and passed away, including his beloved parents.  He took some comfort in the fact that their suffering did not last long and that they left the world together.  

Not long after their deaths, William left the traveling group to try his hand in the outside world.  He found work as a stable hand for nobleman.  The man was kind for someone so wealthy, but his son, Charles was another story all together.  The young lord was abusive towards workers on the estate and seemed to enjoy making William his main target.  For years, William put up the beatings and insults, determined not to give the man the satisfaction of breaking him.  He focused his aggravations into fueling his work ethic and his efforts paid off.  The master saw his dedication and within five years, William had risen to stable master and was virtually in charge of the running the estate.  This did not sit well with Charles and he increased his abuses.  The servants did not protest this treatment, not did William, but the master’s daughter, Clarisse was less than pleased with her brother’s actions.  She went to her father and the poor treatment ceased for a time.

A smart and attractive woman, William was fond of his mistress and she of him.  The two became friends and soon began to fall in love, beginning a secret courtship.  An avid rider, Clarisse rode her horse almost daily, arranging for William to accompany her for protection, giving them chances to be alone away from the hundreds of ever watching eyes at the estate.  One night, as she was visiting her horse in the stables, she saw the lamp on in William’s loft over the stalls and ventured upstairs.  She found him hunched over the small table, attempting to copy the alphabet from a small book used by school children.  She offered to help him learn and after some slight hesitation, he agreed.  When William was finished with his chores for the day and the master’s family had retired, he would sneak up to Clarisse’s chambers for their nightly lessons.  With her help, he improved his writing and was finally able to read in English.  After two years, he was finally confident in his literary skills.

One night, during a writing exercise, William scrawled out a series of sentences in his shaky script.  It was the last one that caught Clarisse’s attention: ‘Will you marry me?’  She, of course, said ‘yes’.  Knowing that her family would never approve of her marrying so far beneath her station, they exchanged vows in a secret ceremony.  Though disappointed that he could not love his wife openly, William was happy to just see her everyday and be able to sneak into her room at night to stay with her until dawn.  What he was not happy about was that her family was inviting suitors to the house with hopes of a courtship.  Clarisse carried off beautifully, though, always finding the right way to let the prospective husbands down gently.  After a while, it did begin to wear on her.

A year into their marriage, the couple received a shock.  Clarisse had discovered that she was pregnant.  Though overjoyed by the news, they were also terrified as they knew that they would not be able to keep their secret much longer.  To make matters worse, Clarisse’s father had arranged for her to marry a young viscount.  Her marriage to William was never officiated, so there was no legal barrier for them to fall back on if she refused.  This in turn would expose William as the father of her child and place him in danger.  Luckily, her husband was able to come up with a plan – they would simply runaway together, but do so in a way that no one would be looking for him.  He told her that he would go to her father and quit his job.  With the money he had saved, he would leave for two weeks, during which time he would find them a home far from the estate.  After that two weeks, he would return for her in secret and she would just simply vanish into the night.  A week later, they put their plan into motion and William left the estate, promising to return for her.  

The two weeks felt like years, but William had managed to find a comfortable little cottage for them live in.  Once he had it ready, he quickly returned to the estate for his wife.  When he arrived, he found that the mansion lay in ashes.    He rode hurriedly to the nearest neighbor to find out what had happened and learned that house had been burned to the ground and the family murdered.  The assailant had never been found.  

In a haze, William began the long trip back to the cottage, though he was not sure why.  Along the way, he ran into his old community.  Seeing that her old friend had clearly been through an ordeal, Serena invited him to stay with her family.  After a few weeks, she managed to get the whole story out of him.  He stayed with the group for a few months, before returning to the cottage.  He tried to occupy his mind by working on the house, sometimes staying awake for days tending the garden or fixing every little flaw he could find.  When he could not stand the tedium anymore, he would leave the cottage and spend weeks searching for the one who had killed his wife and unborn child.  Frustrated with his failure and ridden with guilt, he took up the bottle and began to drink himself into a stupor.  He would then return to the cottage, where the cycle would start all over again.  

For two years, he lived this way until he could stand the guilt no longer and shot himself.  He was thirty-years-old.

Whew!  That’s done now...  Lemme know what ya think...  xoxo

Missing (ES cast/Sean x MC)

Missing

(Endless Summer cast – Sean x MC)

Summary: This is a little bit of an AU after the group’s first attempt through the gate. I don’t want to give too much away here, but read on to find out what’s happening with the Endless Summer crew after they’ve been back home for a while. Still processing the emotions from their journey, they come together once again for a very special purpose. This is not a love story – consider yourself warned.

Author’s Note: This story actually made me so sad while writing it.  I know it’s a little different than my normal ES stories.  I’m hoping you can suspend your thoughts about what’s currently happening in ES to go with me to this place.  It’s unusual, for sure, but I hope you enjoy thinking about what might happen if this were reality. This story deals with death and the process of dealing with and healing from traumatic events.

Pairing: Endless Summer main characters all together along with some Sean x MC focus.

Rating: PG

Word Count: 3672 (settle in - this one’s long!)

This is my entry for round 30 of Choices Creates with the theme “Reunited.” The ES crew is reunited in this somewhat sad and serious tale.  Thanks to @captainsugarcakes and @holly-park for hosting!

Hope you enjoy!

–

Michelle put her SUV in park after pulling into the spot, and turned off the engine.  It was cold outside.  She didn’t want to leave the confines of her warm vehicle.  For lots of reasons.  The sky looked like it could burst open any minute with rain, sleet, snow, hail? She wasn’t sure what would happen once the storm actually hit. It was clear one was headed this way.  With a heavy sigh she put sunglasses on, despite the fact they weren’t needed at all on this day.  There would be no sunshine. No rays of light would be breaking through these clouds. Even though she was back on Hartfeld’s campus – a place that held many happy memories (at least before the trip) – this was not a happy occasion.  Even though she’d be reunited with several of her closest, dearest friends – this was not a reason to celebrate.  But it was important.  Today was a day that had to be remembered.

A light tap on the passenger-side window, stirred Michelle from her thoughts.  She immediately smiled recognizing Quinn, even though her head was wrapped in an ornate scarf.  She too was wearing dark glasses, along with a long trench coat, cinched around her frail waist, to keep her warm. Michelle looked down to press the unlock button, and motioned for Quinn to get in the car.

Reaching across the center console to hug her, Quinn was the first to speak.  “Meech! So wonderful to see you.” She hugged her tight and let her arms linger around her friend.

“You too.” Michelle responded, somberly.  “We’ve got to stop waiting until this reunion to see each other.”

Quinn giggled, lightly and nodded.  “Agreed.”

The ladies then sat perfectly still and quiet, staring out the windshield of the car.  The trees were wildly flailing about in the wind. Leaves were swirling in mini-tornadoes as the air began to pick up speed.  

“This weather is brutal.” Quinn commented, absentmindedly breaking the silence between her and Michelle.

“I know.  I do not miss winter quarter at Hartfeld.” Michelle responded, still gazing out the window.

–

Zahra and Craig walked hand in hand toward the center of campus.  “I hate this.” Zahra muttered, shivering in the cold.

“Me too.” Craig sighed.

The two of them walked in silence as they approached a parking lot with only a few cars. Recognizing one as Michelle’s, Craig squeezed Zahra’s hand. “Ready?”

“Never am.” She answered. “But I’m here anyway, aren’t I?”

Craig nodded as they approached the vehicle, neither of them saying a word.

–

Raj peeled into the parking lot with bass blaring from his speakers.  Craig and Zahra stopped in their tracks, not quite to Michelle’s car yet, looking over their shoulder to see him.

“Typical Raj…” Craig shook his head, smiling.  “What’s up buddy?” He called out to him.

In two seconds, Raj was already out of the car, truly happy to see his friend.

“Dude! So great to see you guys!” He wrapped his arms around them both.  “How the heck are you?”

“I’ll be better when we’re having a drink and toasting together, instead of going through this hell again.” Zahra snapped, looking at the ground.

Craig gave an apologetic shrug. “We’re fine.”

“Guess we better make our way, huh?” Raj questioned, looking for everyone else.

“We were going to meet up with Michelle and Quinn. They’re in the car over here.” Craig pointed towards their vehicle and Raj followed them.

–

Estela rested against a tree, watching her La Huerta friends from a distance as they gathered together.  This day was always incredibly difficult for her.  She knew it was emotionally-tough on all of them, and difficult no matter what; but to her it was exceptionally painful.  What happened was indescribable.  After all they’d been through together, the successes they had, the battles they won…it still ended like this.  She lost not one, but two people who were dear to her, all because of Rourke.

It was hard for her to be around the group again. She was so much more comfortable being on her own and observing from a far.  As the wind blew a hair loose from her ponytail, she tucked it behind her ear and returned her hands to her pockets.  She would join them for the ceremony, but not until then. She couldn’t bear to be around them knowing how disappointed they all were.  The emotions of this day and the pain they all felt was too much. It was almost unbearable on her own, and was only made worse being with the group again, while they all forced themselves to mourn together.

–

“Grace is on her way, just running late.” Michelle sighed, reading a text on her phone.  “Looks like the others are starting to show up.”

Quinn turned around to look out the back window. “Oh my – it’s almost everyone!”

“God. This sucks so much.” Michelle looked down at her hands.  “Why do we do this to ourselves?”

Quinn reached over and grabbed her hand. “Because it’s what she would have wanted.” Her sweet voice was reassuring, and right.

–

Soon, a small group had gathered outside of Michelle’s car, watching as she and Quinn exited the vehicle. They all quickly exchanged hugs and hellos, seeing each other again for the first time in a while.

“Is this everyone?” Quinn asked, looking around.

“Everyone that’s going to show up here.” Michelle explained, sighing.

Craig piped in, looking at Michelle. “Is he already…?” He trailed off, letting the end of his sentence hang out in the air while everyone knew exactly who he was referring to.

Michelle nodded. “He’s already there.  Always the first to get here…and the last to leave.”

Everyone in the group nodded, swallowing hard and gearing themselves up for what was about to happen.

“Seeing him is always the worst part of this whole thing.” Raj commented, his mood pulled down by everyone’s solemn tone.

“It’s hard seeing such a strong man break down like this year after year.” Quinn agreed, biting her lip, tears already threatening her eyes.

“Yeah – that’s tough too, but I was talking about him…” Raj pointed to Diego who was already sobbing as he approached the group. His black leather jacket almost swallowed him whole in that moment.  He looked so small, sad and scared.

“Aww, D. C’mere.” Raj enveloped him in a hug and held him. “Good to see you, buddy.”

“You…too…” Diego tried to smile between his sobs as his throat caught. “Sorry guys – I just can’t help it.”

“No need to be sorry.” Michelle tried to comfort him. “This is an emotional day for all of us.”

Within seconds, Grace too, came running up to the group, huffing and puffing.  “Sorry I’m late, guys.” She smiled, pushing her glasses up onto her nose. “Am I the last one?”

“Everyone else is here, so yes.” Zahra rolled her eyes, annoyed.

“I take it Aleister’s not coming again?” Craig asked.

“He hasn’t been here once in the last 5 years, why would he come now?” Zahra retorted.

Grace shrunk, feeling vulnerable.  “No…no, I don’t believe he’s coming.” She said quietly.

“Okay guys, let’s get this going.  My heart can’t take much more.” Diego ordered, wiping his eyes.

“This should be everyone.” Quinn counted off, making sure the group was together. “I see Estela on her own, by the tree up there. I’m sure she’ll join us when we get to the site.”

“What about Jake?” Craig asked, looking around.

“He’s with Sean.” Michelle answered, turning towards the open part of campus in front of them. “Let’s go.”

The group slowly started walking together, silently.  The wind continued to howl and the sky grew darker with every passing minute.  Each one of them couldn’t help but think how appropriate the weather was for their feelings that day. It was as if Mother Nature was joining in their sadness.

–

Just off the main quad of the Hartfeld campus was a clearing of landscaped grounds with perennial gardens and well-manicured bushes. Even in the off months, the greenery, plants and shrubs were beautiful.  Cement paths wound around, coming from each area of campus and led those who followed them to a fountain.

The fountain wasn’t overdone or grandiose in any way; just an ordinary fountain that one would see almost anywhere.  Alhough it was plain, it added to the beauty of the area. The sound of water trickling was calming and comforting. It was meant to be a soothing and healing place for busy college students who needed a moment to reflect, to stop and think, or gather themselves.  Benches were scattered throughout the fountain and garden area. Even a few bench swings were hanging from the larger trees surrounding the vicinity.

Sean was standing near the fountain, gazing into the water. His arms folded across his chest.  As clouds rolled in, he looked up at the sky. Closing his eyes for a moment, he let out a long sigh. He dreaded this day every year.  His stomach was in knots the entire week leading up to this event. He didn’t sleep. He didn’t eat.  His family knew to leave him alone.  It was horrible.  Reliving the La Huerta trip day in and day out was enough – but this day – every year, forced not only him, but the whole group, to recall one of the most painful of all the memories they shared.

He was wearing a dark charcoal, wool field-coat that fell just below his waist.  His collar was turned up around his neck in an attempt to fend off the cold, random, bursts of wind.  He knew the rest of the group would be there soon, but much like any other day, he couldn’t keep his mind from thinking about her.

He started by remembering her smile.  He felt so fortunate to have been the one she was closest to on the island. He knew they had shared intimate, private moments between the two of them that no one else in the world would ever know about. She had made him so happy. Even though it was a short time that they were together, he hoped he had made her happy too.  Many of those conversations they had while hand in hand, walking along the beach, were taken for granted.  Sean never thought that he would  be the one to survive and she wouldn’t.  He never imagined a world where they didn’t make it out. Together.

Now, he would never know what it was like to wake up next to her in their own house.  He would never know what it would be like to take her to a movie in a theater. His mom never got to meet her.  His life had been completely changed by her, yet no one knew who she was other than the people headed to this sacred spot today.

Could she cook? What would she look like if she cut her hair short? Who else would have been touched by her had she gone on to graduate from Hartfeld? How would it feel to come back to campus for homecoming each year, and reminisce about their college days while their kids played on the statue in the quad?  

Hot tears began to make their way to Sean’s eyes while his stomach lurched.  He tried hard to push his feelings down. Deeper. Down. To his knees. Down. To his feet. Down. Beneath him.  

I am not going to do this. He told himself.

He opened his eyes and rubbed them quickly, shaking his head.  He knew he needed to focus and be strong for his friends.  They’d be here any minute and would be relying on him to lead them through this.  He was keenly aware that the group came each year just as much for her as for him.  

Shivering, Sean buried his hands into his pockets as he raised his shoulders up to his ears.  He was tense.  He could feel it forming at the base of his neck.  With a heavy sigh, he sat down on a nearby bench and stared into the water again. He felt numb.  It was cold, and that helped, but he realized it was nearly impossible for him to have any new, or different, emotions regarding her.  There was nothing left to feel anymore. He had already felt them all.

“Hey Cap.” A rough, husky, Southern-tinged voice suddenly interrupted Sean’s lamenting thoughts.

“Top Gun.” Sean smiled, standing up and extending a hand towards Jake.  “Thanks for being here.” He said, pulling Jake in for a hug.

“You know I wouldn’t miss this.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair.  

“I hate it, though. I’m doing this for her.” There was a long pause before he added, “…and for you.”

“I know.” Sean nodded, staring down at his feet, kicking a stray pebble off the sidewalk.  “I know you loved her too.”

“I did.” Jake agreed. “We all did.”  His voice trailed off as he exhaled loudly.

“I think about her every day, Jake.” Sean said matter-of-factly. “Every. Damn. Day.  I wake up, and she’s there.  I eat breakfast, and she’s there.  Every little thing or big thing I do in my life now and she’s there.  Not in the flesh, but in my mind.” He pointed to his head as he locked eyes with Jake.

“I never thought that 5 years ago when I felt her hand slip out of mine, that I’d still be here without her.  I had hope that somehow, someway we’d find her. She’d come back to me. Rourke would resurface. Something.  But here we are.  Still. Nothing has changed.  I’m more sick. More depressed.  Missing her more today than I did the second she left my side!”

Sean’s eyes grew wide. He was surprising even himself with the amount of emotion he was showing and feeling in front of someone else.  

“I always wanted her.  From the moment I met her, I knew.” He whispered.

“Cap…” Jake was desperate for him to stop. He was unprepared to deal with this tidal wave of emotion that was swelling up right in front of him.

“You know what I wanted to do? I had this silly little day-dream that one day we could go shopping together. I would tell her she could have any dress she wanted in the whole place and I’d watch her come out of the dressing room and try on 7, 8, 9 – maybe even 10 – dresses. Then she’d find the one and I’d buy it for her.  We’d go see a show in a real theater, have dinner at a fancy restaurant and I’d tell her again and again how much I love her.  And I’d wake up. And she’d be there.  And she’d tell me she loved me. And I could get through anything. Anything. As long as she was with me…”

Breaking completely down at this point, Sean’s knees buckled and he caught himself as he fell slowly to the grass.  He wasn’t sobbing, but silently weeping. The tears pouring out of his eyes now as there was no way to hold them back any longer.

“Awww, dammit, Cap, c’mere…” Jake tried to help him up, slapping him on the back.  

“She’s the reason we made it through.” Sean whispered.  “It’s not fair that she didn’t, Jake.  It’s not fair.”

Anger raged inside of Sean. All this time he told himself he should be over it; that he should have moved on and forgotten the anguish and torment inside of him because he lost Taylor.  

She didn’t make it through the gate with them that day they returned to Hartfeld. Sean had been holding her hand, her fingers intertwined with his and as he felt her slipping away, he could hear her voice calling out his name.  He knew she wanted desperately to come with him, to be with all of them, to make it back home…but for some reason she didn’t.  Everyone else came through just fine, but Taylor – she…well…no one knew what happened to her. And that was almost worse than death itself.

By this time, the group made their way to the fountain.  With Jake standing near him, to help him stay steady just in case, Sean turned around.  Seeing them together once again did so much good for him and his state.  He knew he didn’t have to go through this traumatic ordeal on his own.  Every year since they made it back, the group gathered at this fountain, in honor of Taylor.  It was incredibly emotional, as they all remembered not just Taylor, but their experience together and the ways they cheated death.

They all mostly agreed that while they hated the overall sentiment of the day, it was helpful in their quest to heal and move on from their distressing experience.  The fountain and the green space around it, had been added to the campus in honor of Taylor and her sacrifice for her friends. Donations had poured in after the group returned from the trip and everyone found out what happened.  Professors, alumni, current students and friends of Hartfeld, contributed to make this part of campus a sanctuary for students and guests.

When the time came, everyone gathered around the fountain, sharing thoughts, memories, words of encouragement, or how they were feeling about everything since they made it home. Many cried, like Diego (he could barely speak – every year his emotions got the best of him), Craig (he was always overwhelmed thinking about how close they were to actually dying), Quinn (she was touched greatly by the whole experience and with her disease, she was grateful for each and every day she had on this earth) and Raj (he always had fun stories to share about times with Taylor – something funny she said or a prank they pulled on someone together – people would laugh and then cry at such sweet memories).  

Some were stoic and showed no emotion at all, like Zahra (she hardly spoke, but said she needed someone like Taylor in her life), Michelle (who worked harder to keep herself together than people realized), Jake (he didn’t tell anyone how he really felt about Taylor and acted as though he was only here to help take care of all these “college kids”) and Estela (she never spoke other than pleasantries and greetings upon arriving or leaving the group).  

Grace teared up but never fully broke down. Sean never spoke at the ceremony, but was always emotional.  One could see it all over his face and especially in his eyes.  He was the one who gathered everyone each year on the anniversary of the day they returned.  He made everyone stand in a circle and hold hands.  He was the unite-r. The one who made sure Taylor left some kind of legacy and impact on this world.  After each member of the group shared, they usually had a moment or two of silence and then went to one of their favorite bars for a toast, dinner and drinks.

It was their own private cleansing. A chance to let out all their thoughts and feelings. Their hatred for Rourke. Their thankfulness for making it through such a harrowing ordeal. But most of all, it was a chance to remember Taylor. The impact she had on them, the lessons she taught them, the ways they wanted to be more like her. Every one of them challenged the other not to take life for granted, in honor of her and the life she didn’t get to live.

As the group was wrapping up, it felt as though this year was more emotional than the others had been.  Almost everyone cried this time. People were sniffling and sharing tissues. The wind was whipping through the gardens and the temperature was dropping rapidly.

“Is it going to snow?” Grace asked, looking up at the clouds as a few droplets of moisture fell on her lenses.

“Let’s get going so we’re not caught outside in this storm.” Quinn suggested as she pulled her coat tighter around her.

“I want to be inside with a warm drink, pronto.” Zahra agreed.  

The group began to chatter quietly as they walked off, headed toward the parking lot.

“You’re coming to Mac’s, right, dude?” Craig called over his shoulder, looking back at Sean.

“Yeah.  Of course. Be there in a sec.”  Sean answered, not making eye contact with Craig, but watching the fountain and the water splashing over the edge into the larger pool.

“He’ll be okay. He needs his time.” Jake instructed, following the group.

Silently and slowly, a few more tears began to fall from Sean’s eyes. His vision blurred and he closed his eyes, quickly opening them again and wiping them briefly.  

As the tears fell, so did light snow.  The kind that you can’t even really see falling unless you’re intently looking for it.  

Sean had brought some yellow flowers with him and had laid them on the edge of the fountain.  He put his hand on them, watching the small pieces of snow start to collect on the edge of the petals.

“I just don’t know if I’m ever going to get over this…” He whispered, taking one last look up into the sky.  After pausing a moment, he shifted his gaze back to his hand, resting on top of the flowers.

“I’m always going to be missing you.” 

Turning slowly and lowering his head, Sean braced himself to walk towards the parking lot against the wind.  It was only fitting that the storm would roll in now. A reminder that another year of walking through the storms of life had come and gone. As the wind roared in the opposite direction Sean was walking, he had to work harder to walk against it.  The snow fell in larger flakes now, as Sean gritted his teeth and made a promise to himself. He would keep going, no matter what. It’s what Taylor would have wanted him to do.

Corona, Corona, Corona!

Coronavirus. I’ve intentionally not addressed it here or on Instagram because, well, everyone is talking about it. It’s all we read, see, discuss, and often, try to avoid. It’s on our minds constantly. But today I want to talk about it because lots of you have asked how I’m doing over here in Germany and well, I want to pull my head out of the sand and say something.

It’s strange. It’s quiet and empty on the streets most of the day. Here in Germany it’s not such a big deal as it is in Italy, China, America… But it’s still felt, you still worry. We just had nearly 4 weeks of lockdown, which was was rough. Things have lifted a bit, but still, we can’t go to or host parties, no concerts or fests can take place, large stores and malls are closed, gyms and schools are closed, no classes or workshops, all of the design fairs for most of the year are canceled, it’s a mess.

Everyone you pass in the grocery store looks at you with suspicious eyes, you return the same uncertain gaze - “Are they infected, will they sneeze on me, will I be next?”. I feel like I live in a very strange Sci-Fi film only I’m REALLY living in this strange time and I don’t know when life will be back to normal. Those good old days when you wake up and decide to see friends, colleagues, grab a coffee in your favorite cafe, ride the subway, sit in conference rooms with others, play with your kid in the playground, hug your grandma. My son hasn’t hugged or hung out with his grandmother in a month. He also hasn’t seen or played with any of his friends from kindergarten. That’s rough when you’re six. It’s also rough when you’re not six. I’m a highly sensitive extrovert who loves to hug and touch everything and everyone, so I’m struggling…

In a strange (perverse) way, Corona was sorta exciting at the beginning.

It was, let’s face it, bullshit aside. Kinda like when a hurricane is expected and you’re following the story on the news. You have this strange feeling of excitement coupled with intense fear. It’s sick, but it’s human.

I remember growing up in “hurricane alley” on the beach in South Carolina and each Autumn, we waited. We knew hurricanes would come, and we always lived in fear of the “big one”. We had some major ones when I grew up, followed by intense cyclones that would rip apart our neighborhoods. I remember one day a hurricane came and flooded our neighborhood. I waded in water to my thighs to go visit the neighbor’s kids. Alligators swam in the streets along with fish and water snakes, some highly toxic. I also remember the tornadoes. All of them.

I’ll never forget laying in an empty bathtub when the “sound of a freight train” could be heard. You knew the tornado was there, it was coming, and as you heard the destruction around you, you could only hide inside of something very heavy that would most likely keep you also held in place so that you wouldn’t blow away. Once when I was around 12, one hit our neighborhood and after it left, I walked outside to find sunshine and total stillness. Yet, around me, I could see destruction. Cars tipped over or thrown down the street, houses flattened, neighbors crying, ambulance sirens filling the air. That day we were lucky, 75% of our neighborhood was flattened.

People died. Our home was untouched.

I have to admit, even though I grew up around natural disasters and know the power of nature, I still had a strange sense of excitement when I knew a storm was coming. All the kids in my school did, so I wasn’t the only isolated weirdo who felt that way. It’s strange, how humans are, isn’t it? But you know what, the moment you HEAR or SEE the storm, it’s totally different.

That’s kinda like Corona. When it wasn’t in my neighborhood, it was a little bit exciting to hear about this virus, before reports of people dying started to surface. Then the news went very, very sour after the first death toll numbers from China started showing up. I felt scared and sad, but even then, I felt separated emotionally. I still had my life OVER HERE. It wasn’t going to come to ME.

Did you feel the same?

Then it came to Italy. It affected my friends there. And the businesses that I love. I definitely felt sick to my stomach. Salone, our big European design fair, canceled for April. Corona felt REALLY real then. Yet, Germany still didn’t have any lockdowns in place, so I naively thought, “That’s Italy, maybe it will stay there and end there.” Nope. Then Salone canceled again, for Fall 2020. Suddenly a strong truth rose to the surface.

We were/are screwed.

It’s been about a few months since then, and we’ve been on lockdown for 4 weeks, which will extend into the first week of May, and they will reevaluate things. I look forward (so much) to the weekly grocery store run that we do as a family. It’s the only real social life/excitement that I have these days. We visit the city forest about 3 times a week (it’s behind my house) for exercise. But it’s always so mobbed with the rest of the residents in my city that it doesn’t feel completely safe. We started driving out to the countryside to deserted areas to bike and walk, and breathe. Yesterday we went to the lake, it was wonderful. We all pray this ends soon but inside, we know it won’t.

Some of my dear, close friends have corona, even a family member. I just recovered from a four-month-long bacterial infection in my lungs (that ended mid-February right when corona hit Germany). I feel vulnerable because my lungs are still weak, so I have taken extra precautions to not go outside except when I really must.

Corona is a serial killer.

It’s stalking people around the world, in my country, in my state, IN MY CITY, I hate this thing and want it to end. I hate hearing about it. I’m tired of the conspiracy theories and lies and fake news too. I’m just tired of all of it. I am tired of feeling like I’m on house arrest. I hate watching my son feel lonely.

Yet, with all of this Corona craziness around me, I feel strongly and intensely focused on my goals, my life, my family, my work. I have ZERO distraction, I have found a beautiful new side of myself that has been hiding for years. The Holly that was once so fearless, so full of adventure, the Holly that just jumped in and did things without planning and strategizing - and still got it right. I’ve changed a lot for the past two years, working back in the corporate world again with my magazine. I’ve enjoyed it, but being back in corporate 10 days a month reminds me of the things about corporate life that I was happy to leave in my past when I left in 2005 to become a freelancer. I love the balance of both worlds, but if I had to pick one, I am happiest when I am left on my own to do my thing as a freelancer. My team seems to know this and they let me do my thing because micromanaging me would kill the entire project, and I think they know that by now. HOLLY magazine is beautiful and inspiring but it’s been a hard adjustment for me, and there are some days when the only thing that motivates me to stay on the project is the end result - the inspiring magazine that we create together that definitely makes us all proud to be a part of. It trumps the sometimes corporate pain, though some days the pain can really feel heavy and hard to take and most of all, frustrating. And to be fair, I know my team also feels the same pain, many of them are free birds at heart (like me) and I sense their frustration.

Aside from Corona, my work, my family… What else can I say? I’m staying positive, enjoying all of the sunshine we’ve had for the past month almost non-stop (even if only through the window or on the balcony), and I’m looking ahead to when I can see my friends again and have an excuse to dress up.

I’m extremely keen to get back to the salon, my hair looks horrible lately - like hay - and I’d really love to get a regular gym routine down and use the sauna. But for now, I’m really working on enjoying what I have. I’m able to spend 24/7 with my little boy, which has had its share of frustrations for us both, but has been absolutely awesome for the most part because starting in September, he’ll be in first grade and that’s it - no more little boy home with mama anymore. Something that has been a big part of my life - him - will be a schoolboy and becoming more and more independent and that’s something that Corona gave me - a gift in disguise, that instead of being in kindergarten full-time up until primary school begins, he’s home with me and we are really close and our relationship has deepened a great deal. He has been home all of the time, all to himself, and it’s a good thing for him right now because he needs me. Blessings in disguise are all around me if I just look. Sure, I have little cash flow at the moment like I once did, but cash means nothing ultimately - it’s the hugs from your children, the chats with your husband at 2am, it’s the long baths and the face masks while reading books that you haven’t read in years.

“Only boring people are bored.”

— Betty Draper, Epi 6, Season 3, Mad Men

I’ve also baked about 8 cakes in 4 weeks, so I’ve gained about 10 pounds but I’m happy so who really cares. My butt may be bigger, my so is my heart, my intuition, my passion for work and family, my love for my home, my relationship with my blog and Insta followers is bigger and better, and I have a greater appreciation for the little things that I’d not paid attention to at all pre-Corona.

COVID-19 is horrible, what can I say really? But at least each of us has the power to take something good from this strange time, to be positive regardless, and to make our day valuable and meaningful, so just do that, stay healthy and have another slice of cake. Like Betty said in an episode of Madmen that always stuck in my brain, “Only boring people are bored”. Stay creative and curious, often limitation fosters creativity so see if you are able to make something wonderful come from your current limitations…

Thanks For your time, dear readers. Stay safe, positive, and smile.

Love,

Holly

(Photography/Styling: Holly Becker.)

Perfect

Prompt: Fluff Daily Themes: Sun, Heart, Perfect

Summary: Ichigo and Rukia finally go out on a date.

You can also read it here.

Kurosaki Ichigo was anything but vain. He didn’t care that much about his looks or the clothes he wore. It if was comfortable and his style, he’d wear it. However, today he actually wanted to dress nicely. He raided his closet, frantic, looking for something decent at least. He found nothing, zilch, nada. All he had were ripped jeans and several T-shirts. The teenage boy cursed loudly. Of course he didn’t have anything to wear on this special occasion.

“Onii-chan, are you alright?” His little sister said, knocking the door.

“Yeah, Yuzu, don’t worry!” Ichigo said, running his hand through his hair.

However, his bedroom door was opened, and in came both of his sisters.

“It looks like a tornado passed through here.” Karin said, whistling.

“Gah! Who gave you permission to come in?!” The boy yelled, feeling completely embarrassed.

“Why are your clothes on the floor?” Yuzu asked instead. “Is something wrong with them?” She said innocently.

“It looks more like a wardrobe malfunction.” Karin commented, inspecting the clothes.

“Are you putting together an outfit, onii-chan?” The youngest Kurosaki said. “I can help you with that! What’s the occasion?”

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s clearly for a date with Rukia-chan.” Karin said matter-of-factly, making her brother blush.

“Wait, that’s not─”

“Did someone mention my third daughter?” Isshin stormed into the room looking wildly everywhere. “Wait, why are all your clothes on the floor, Ichigo?”

“Onii-chan’s got a date with Rukia-chan!” Yuzu exclaimed, grinning.

“What?! Seriously?!” Isshin yelled, looking at his son.

“That’s not it!” Ichigo shook his head vehemently, his cheeks red.

“There’s no need to feel embarrassed, Ichi-nii. We all know.” Karin said.

“Finally! My idiot of a son is becoming a man! And with my dear third daughter, no less! Ichigo, you’re making your papa proud!” Isshin ran to hug him, but Ichigo kicked him.

“Can you guys please not make this weird?” He pleaded, already giving up on the hope to dissuade his family that he wasn’t going on a date with Rukia when he, in fact, was going on a date with said girl.

“It’s not weird, onii-chan! We all know how you feel about her, and we’re glad you’re together now!” Yuzu said. From the very beginning, she had known Rukia was special to his brother, and was excited his feelings were mutual.

“Honestly, it took you too long.” Karin muttered.

“We were beginning to think you had been friendzoned!” His dad interjected, making his three children stare at him as if he had grown a second head. “What? I keep with the slang of the youth.”

“In any case, if you’re having problems, you can always ask us for help, y’know?” Karin said, her words holding more meaning than what could be inferred at first.

Ichigo sighed. He knew that he would regret this later, but he had run out of options. “Fine. I’m taking Rukia out on a date around the city. What should I wear?”

Yuzu squealed, Karin nodded approvingly, and Isshin yelled loudly.

“We have a lot to do! Starting with your hair!”

“Hey!”

His family was very obnoxious, but Ichigo couldn’t be too mad about it right now. It was a joyous event, really. This was his first date with Rukia after all, and it had to be memorable.

After the war, Ichigo had started contemplating about many things regarding his life. That had been the closest they had ever been to the end of the world. He could have died. His friends could have died. Rukia could have died. Life was too short to waste it away with nonsense. So, Ichigo decided to take his life into his own hands. First, he told his sisters that he was a Shinigami and everything that had to do with his job. Karin didn’t seem surprise. Yuzu had accepted everything, although she did admit she was worried about him. Secondly, he told his father that he was seriously thinking about not being just a part-time Shinigami anymore, but taking it as a full-time job. He’d become a Shinigami instead of going to college. Isshin accepted that fact, for he know that was what made his son happy. Lastly, he put his feelings for a certain Shinigami in order. He had always known Rukia mattered to him more than just a friend, but he hadn’t put those feelings into words. Now, though, he was brave enough to acknowledge the fact he had fallen in love with her. Ichigo decided to let her know, because they could have died, and she would have never known his true feelings. He confessed, expecting nothing, and was surprised when Rukia told him that she loved him back. They had been together since, but hadn’t actually gone out because of Ichigo’s schoolwork and Rukia’s job managing the 13th squad now that Ukitake had, sadly, passed away. The two of them had been through too much, and that is why Ichigo wanted their first date to be perfect. His life would keep going, and he would make the best of it, Ychwach’s words be damned.

“There! Do you like it?” Yuzu said. She had put together an outfit which consisted on dark tight jeans, black sneakers, a red shirt, and on top of it a black shirt.

“Yeah. It looks good, Yuzu.” Ichigo said, feeling satisfied with her choices.

“Here.” Karin said, passing him his leather wristbands. “They complete the look.”

Ichigo smiled at her, and put them on.

“Now, let’s do something about that hair, Ichigo!” Isshin said, taking out of nowhere a comb and gel.

“No! Leave my hair alone!” Ichigo yelled, covering his hair with his hands.

“I agree on this one with Ichi-nii, dad. He looks better with his hair as always.” Karin expressed.

“Yeah, plus Rukia-chan likes him with his hair like this.” Yuzu said, making her older brother blush.

“Ah, well. I guess you look good, son. Now, let’s talk about your date. Always be a gentleman, bring enough money for food, drinks, and other things Rukia-chan might want, give her your jacket if she gets cold, and most importantly, bring protection, I do want to be a grandfather but not right now.” Isshin’s three children blushed heavily.

“Stupid goat chin!” Ichigo shouted and kicked his dad.

“I just want you to be careful!” Isshin yelled back, punching Ichigo.

“We’re not doing that!” At this point they were brawling on the floor.

“Look, just take them. I’ll be happy to have mini Ichigos and Rukias running around, but you do not want to face Kuchiki Byakuya’s wrath, right?” The older Kurosaki said, cleaning the blood from his mouth.

“Fine!” Ichigo said, and took the condoms his dad was offering him. “But at least we could’ve had this conversation in private and not in front of Yuzu and Karin!” He pointed to his sisters who were still there.

“Oh no! What have I done?! I’ve tainted my beautiful daughters’ innocence! Masaki, I have failed you!” Isshin cried, and hugged both of his daughters.

“Dad, we took health class in school already.” Karin deadpanned, and got away from her father’s embrace.

“Well, it’s time. I gotta go pick Rukia.” Ichigo said, starting to walk down the stairs. His family followed him.

“Good luck, onii-chan, I hope you have fun!” Yuzu said, and hugged him briefly.

“Tell Rukia-chan we said hi!” Karin added.

“And I hope you brushed your teeth, son. Don’t want to scare her away after the first kiss!” Isshin joked.

“I’m leaving!” Ichigo retorted, slamming the door shut.

The three remaining Kurosakis watched him go with a smile on their faces. Then, Isshin ran to the poster of his deceased wife that he had hung up on the kitchen. “Oh, Masaki! Our son’s finally a man!”

“So, where is Kurosaki-san taking you today?” Hinamori asked Rukia.

“Just around town. Maybe even to this thing called ‘movies’.” Rukia answered simply.

“Sounds exciting!” Isane said. “Maybe we should have movies in our next meeting.”

“Yes. That’s an excellent idea.” Nanao nodded in agreement.

“You should take advantage of it, and go shopping, making Ichigo pay for it.” Rangiku joked, winking for good measure.

“Rangiku-san, stop giving Kuchiki-san ill advice!” Nanao scolded the blonde woman, making Rukia laugh.

The female lieutenants were currently at the 13th squad barracks, helping Rukia get ready for her date with Ichigo. Date. She had never expected she’d actually get to experience something as human as dating, but here she was, getting ready for a date with a human boy. Her cheeks turned red just by thinking about it. Although it was true she had harbored strong feelings for Ichigo for a long while now, she hadn’t expected to get into a relationship with him, let alone go on dates. It was something special, though. They had been officially together for some time now, but had spent little time together. When her schedule was suddenly freed for a day, it was the right moment to go visit Ichigo. She didn’t expect him to ask her out on a date. Yet, here they were, and she couldn’t be happier.

“What? It’s perfectly sound advice. The guys always pay, you know.” Rangiku defended herself.

“Yes, well, I do not think Kuchiki-san is going out with Kurosaki-san to mooch off his money.” Nanao replied.

“Guys, relax. It’s going to be something simple. We just want to spend some time in each other’s company.” Rukia said simply, cheeks rosy and a soft smile on her face.

“That’s so romantic!” Hinamori exclaimed, swooning a bit.

“Yeah, it is.” Nanao conceded.

Rangiku glanced at Rukia and smiled. The normally stoic Shinigami looked very happy. She had never seen such a calm expression on her face. It was clear to Rangiku that her fellow comrade was very in love with Ichigo. She felt a slight pang of sadness. Rangiku hadn’t forgotten about her friend Orihime, who was in love with Ichigo as well. Then, there was Renji to think about. Both were heartbroken after the news broke out. However, Rangiku knew that they would have to get over it. There were times when first loves didn’t work out. You can’t make someone fall in love with you. She thought, remembering her own experiences. Yet, despite pitying her friends, Rangiku was also happy for Rukia and Ichigo. They deserved to be happy after everything they had been through.

“So, what are you going to wear?” Rangiku asked her.

Rukia shrugged sheepishly. “I was thinking about a dress, but I don’t know.”

The girls nodded approvingly.

“Make sure it’s dark blue, so that it compliments your eyes.” Hinamori advised her.

“And it shouldn’t be too short. Just above your knees. That way it’s classy and feminine.” Nanao added.

“Add a necklace or other accessories to go with it.” Isane said.

“And pair it with killer heels. They’ll make your legs look long and sexy. Ichigo will appreciate it, believe me.” Rangiku said.

“Rangiku-san!” Nanao said, scandalized.

Rukia just laughed. “I will.” Then she looked at her phone. “Well, I gotta go. I’ll see you later!” Rukia said and dashed out, leaving her friends behind.

“I wish I could go on a date too.” Hinamori whispered.

“I’m sure if you ask my taichou, he’ll say yes.” Rangiku said deviously.

“Rangiku-san!”

“Stop meddling with other people’s affairs.” Nanao scolded her.

“Yeah. Whatever.” Rangiku shrugged. “So, who’s gonna tell Kuchiki-taichou that his sister might not come home tonight?”

The four women blanched.

“I’ll prepare beds in the 4th squad for the unfortunate receivers of his wrath.” Isane muttered.

Rukia opened the Senkaimon and landed in Karakura Town. She smiled, breathing deeply the air around her. She always felt calm when coming here. It relaxed her. Still smiling she walked to Urahara’s shop, where the man was already waiting for her with her gigai. She put it on, ignoring Urahara’s lewd remarks about the reason she had come for a visit. She asked him for the nearest mall, and started walking on that direction, still ignoring his words. Rukia noticed it was sunny, so that meant she would get away with using a dress like she had originally planned. She looked around the first store she found, and was lucky to find an indigo dress with short sleeves. She tried it on. It was a little shorter than what Nanao had recommended, but she liked it. Next, she grabbed a pair of black flats to go with the dress. She wasn’t going to listen to Rangiku. Using her human currency, she paid for the outfit, and then returned to Urahara’s to get dressed. There, she waited for Ichigo to come at exactly 3 o’ clock.

“Kuchiki-san~! Kurosaki-san’s here~!” Urahara announced, and Rukia came out of the shop, to find Ichigo waiting for her. His clothes suited him. He looked very handsome.

“Yo.” Ichigo greeted her with a smile on his face.

“Hey.” She said, a bit shyly.

“Let’s go.” He said, and Rukia walked towards him, nodding to Urahara on the way out.

“So, how have you been?” Ichigo asked her.

“A bit busy with the repairs and everything. Things have calmed down recently, though.” She explained, noticing their hands were almost brushing.

“That’s good to hear. Things were really bad last time I went.” Ichigo said, remembering Soul Society’s current state.

“And you? How’s school?” Rukia asked him next.

“Busy. We’re having exams soon, so I’ve been reviewing with Ishida a lot.”

Rukia smirked at that. “Oh, so Ishida’s your tutor now?”

Ichigo frowned. “Don’t remind me. He’s the worst teacher ever. He has no patience and is always scolding me.”

“Oh, poor, baby.” Rukia said, patting him on the cheek.

“Mock me all you want, but it’s true. He’s ruthless.”

The girl chuckled. “And your family?”

“Dad’s as crazy as ever.” Ichigo said, rolling his eyes. “The twins are good. They say hi, actually.”

Rukia beamed at that. “Tell them I say hello too, and that I’ll visit them soon.”

“You will?” Ichigo asked her, surprised.

“Yeah… I mean… if you want me too.” She blushed at that.

“Of course.”

“Then it’s a plan.”

They both smiled at each other. Ichigo reached out and grabbed her hand. Rukia smiled, and entwined their fingers.

“So, what’s the plan?” Rukia asked him, realizing they were walking to a mall near the school.

“I thought we could eat while we wait for the movie to start.” Ichigo said. “There’s a nice place around here. I think you’ll like it.”

Rukia nodded and followed her boyfriend. They arrived at a nice and quaint restaurant which served a variety of dishes. They were seated at a cozy table for two people. It was almost secluded, giving them the privacy they both liked to have. Ichigo ordered curry, and Rukia was a bit more adventurous and ordered an Italian pasta. As they ate, they conversed about different things, and Rukia laughed at Keigo’s latest antics. Ichigo seemed interested about the reforms Kyouraku was implementing and the changes they were going to be in the Soul Society. It seemed the place was going to be less rigid.

“Nii-sama talked to Kyouraku-soutaichou about the possibility of helping make things in Rukongai better for the souls living there. I think he was inspired by my sister. Many other Shinigamis supported his idea.” Rukia said.

Ichigo marbled at the fact Byakuya had changed so much since the first time he met him. He liked that the noble was using his privilege as captain and noble to bring about change in the Soul Society. Although, Ichigo was aware he wasn’t doing it just for his late wife. There was a very important reason for that petition, and it was standing beside Ichigo.

“There’s been talk about rebuilding the Sokyoku.” Rukia announced grimly.

Ichigo frowned. “What for?”

“It’s apparently an important landmark.” Rukia said, stabbing his pasta.

“It’s a sign of oppression and death, that’s what it is.” Ichigo muttered, remembering Rukia’s execution.

“I don’t think they’re going to rebuild it, though. A lot of Shinigami are against it. Nanao even started a petition against that motion.”

“I’ll sign it next time I visit.”

Their conversation turned light again, as Rukia retold a story starring Kiyone and Sentarou, and their inability to work as a team unless it’s meant to impress someone, such as their lieutenant.  Soon, it was time for the movie. Ichigo paid for their food, while Rukia teased him for being a gentleman. Then, they walked to the cinema and Ichigo paid for their tickets as well. They were going to watch an adventure film about a couple of spies discovering a great conspiracy against their organization and other secrets. Ichigo figured action was a good genre, for both weren’t really the romantic kind, and watching a horror movie on the first date seemed like a cliché to Ichigo.

The film was action packed as it had looked in the trailers, but soon the couple discovered it was more than that. The premise was interesting, and the actors knew how to execute the performance. Ichigo was intrigued to know who was betraying the organization, and how would the spies discover it. Then, the movie took a turn when it became clear something was going on between the protagonists. At one point, the main female character took a shot to save her partner, and almost died as a result. Ichigo could feel the protagonist’s raw emotions at seeing his partner laying on a pool of blood for his sake. He could understand it perfectly. The helplessness of not being able to protect someone important to you, and having to watch them suffer as a result. The woman confessed to her partner in the midst of chaos, and then she dramatically fainted, while the man screamed. Ichigo thought that part was a little too much, but got distracted from the movie when he heard weird sounds from beside him. He turned and found Rukia was actually crying, wiping furiously the tears that kept falling. That surprised him at first for Rukia wasn’t overly sensitive. Then, he understood the reason why she was crying. He smiled, and pulled her close to him. Rukia gasped, but then buried her face on his chest. Ichigo patted her back. She smiled at him gratefully. In that moment, Ichigo thought she looked just like the sun.

They exited the cinema, each telling the other their own impressions about the movie, and what they have liked and disliked about it. They had both agreed that, even though some parts had been too dramatic and cliché, they still would watch it again for the climax. As it turned out, the most unexpected character had been the traitor all along. Ichigo was sure that the film would be widely talked about just for that twist.

Their next step was the mall. They didn’t need to buy anything, but Ichigo wanted to spend more time with Rukia. They entered some stuff, and browsed the several items the stores sold. Ichigo tried on some glasses just to amuse Rukia, who laughed out loud at his bizarre choices. When they passed by a jewelry store, Rukia gazed at one of the necklaces on display, remembering that Isane had told her to accessorize. Ichigo noticed her gaze, and went into the shop, buying that necklace, while ignoring altogether Rukia’s complaints.

“You didn’t have to buy it.” Rukia said, shaking her head.

“You liked it, and I wanted to give something to you, to commemorate the date, you know.”

Rukia chuckled. “You’re surprisingly romantic.”

“Shut up.” Ichigo said, blushing as he helped Rukia putting on the necklace. It was simple. The chain was silver and it had a pendant in the shape of a heart. Isane had been right. A necklace really complimented the outfit.

They kept walking, casually strolling around town, their hands entwined. Once the sun set, it was time for Rukia to go back. Honestly, she wanted to stay longer, but it was impossible. She had duties she couldn’t ignore. Ichigo, noticing her sad look, promised to visit the following weekend. Rukia nodded happily, already planning to take out Ichigo and show him some places he hadn’t seen yet. Once they reached Urahara’s, they stopped, turning to look at each other.

“I had a lot of fun today, Ichigo.” Rukia said earnestly.

“I’m glad.” Ichigo said.

“We should do this again.”

“Yeah, any time you want. We can go to the beach, next.”

“I’d like that.”

The conversation had ended but neither had moved yet. Rukia bit her lip, expecting Ichigo take the hint. He blushed, appearing to think about it, and then he grabbed her hands.

“I really want to do this again.”

Rukia leaned closer. “Me too.”

Ichigo took this as enough confirmation to do what he wanted to do, and leaned down, pressing his lips softly against hers. Rukia made a sound in approval, and deepened the kiss. Ichigo pulled her closer, and continued kissing her until both were out of breath.

“See you, Ichigo.” Rukia said, as they separated.

“Yeah. See you next weekend!”

Rukia smiled and opened the Senkaimon. She waved once, and disappeared from Ichigo’s view. He sighed and smiled. The date had been better than he had expected. It had been perfect.

The Aftermath...

The sky was grey and sad. We first checked the bedrooms and were so thankful the windows held! We spent the early morning mopping and trying to to soak up the pools of water around the house. Outside, leftover rain and wind blew in every so often keeping us cautious of flying debris. Our first time scoping around our house was spent pointing and shrieking at everything in disarray. The beautiful jungle surrounding us was nothing more than skeletons of broken branches. We could see neighboring houses we never knew existed! They once lay hidden deep in the jungle but now they're completely exposed! I watched Javi walk up the driveway at the tallest part of our mountain to get the full 360 view of our area. He couldn't hold back tears looking out at the blankness and worrying about the people that were suffering tremendously. 

 Our solid concrete house had minimal damage. My curiosity couldn't help but take me right downstairs to inspect the mysterious noise that shook the house so violently the night before. The first thing I saw made my eyes go big and I shouted to Javi to check it out with me! "Is that a wall and window laying in our yard!?" It sure was. The downstairs consisted of a wooden room built with a door and windows that was occupied by the landlord to store belongings he wasn't ready to part with as well as a tin shed for all his old tools, paint, etc. Neither was there anymore and it was completely unrecognizable! Every wooden wall was scattered in the yard a good distance from where the room had been before! The only thing left in the room was the floor! Our dryer and propane tank were both laying on their sides and melting in the mud but luckily they had a piece of tin roof from the demolished shed wedged on top protecting them. Javi's tools and yard equipment he had tied down earlier were safe! Hallelujah! The yard and downstairs would be a lot of work but we were grateful nonetheless. 

 Holding hands we walked up our drive way to assess the roads. We made it to the entrance gate and stopped. From there on it was a wall of trees, light posts, and telephone poles laying horizontal, completely blocking anything from driving in or out. "Well, we aren't going anywhere for a while." It was vital we check on our friendly neighbors. An older couple who we called "the welcoming committee" because every time they catch us coming or leaving home we are welcomed or dismissed with huge waves and smiles. Battling through huge trunks, wires, and debris we finally made it to their house. The couple was on their front porch as we'd always seen them before. You could see in their eyes they were shocked we made it through the never ending roadblock in between both our homes. Don, the husband, yelled "group hug!" Instantly the four of us embraced which felt wonderful! He reminds me of my Pop Pop. A tall, lanky, island man with ripped jean shorts and white scruffy face. We traded stories of the storm and they agreed how it felt as if it would never end. 

 We continued down the road to check on more neighbors. As we walked we saw houses without roofs still creaking and dripping water from the last remnants of wind and rain. Every house had scars of torn paint from the blasting winds. We arrived to the main road which takes you down the mountain and into our little town. Just like our driveway, it was a web of thick heavy wires, trees, and shattered glass from fallen street lamps. The adorable little Puerto Rican women were outside with brooms sweeping up leaves to the side of the road to rid any chance of mosquito nesting grounds. The men were all yelling and laughing in the road. With chainsaws, machetes, and axes everyone was doing their part to help clear the road. 

Javi and I jumped in picking up branches and dragging them to the side. As we were working a truck driving from further up the mountain stopped where he could no longer drive due to the massive trees fallen in the road. A group of men and women spilled out of the truck and jumped out to help. We realized that they were driving down the curvy mountain road stopping and helping clear a path along the way. This happened several more times with other cars. Everyone working together to help create an escape.  When heavy rain started again I left Javi on the road working while I went back to work on the house. Javi walked in the door around 7pm and told me him and our neighbor farmer had cleared the path in our drive way. I didn't believe him because all they had were machetes and axes. I still don't understand how they were able to cut through so many large trees with rusty dull tools but they were determined! I was astounded. 

With phone service still out we planned to check on his parents in Mayagüez the next day. With a full tank of gas we were excited to get out of the house and explore the island. The road had been cleared all the way down the mountain. Still having to dodge heavy fallen street lines, transformers and trees. The destruction was horrifying. Wooden houses with tin roofs were now piles of rubble. Plantain farmers with fields of crops blown away to nothing. Floods filled the highway and gas lines were already building up for miles. Some parts on the 2 (our main highway that circles the entire island) were narrowed to one lane due to fallen posts, trees and floods. What used to be thick jungle starting from the highway shoulder was now stripped to its bone and you could see back for miles. 

 When we got to his parents house there was a big sigh of relief. It reminds me so much of my family home I grew up in in Florida. I always have a sense of comfort being there. We walked in the front door and I could hear Javi’s mom questioning "Who could be here?" When she saw Javi she screamed, leaped into her son’s arms, and held him tightly. Javi, adjusting to her height, held her back and we all let out tears of joy. Mama Zulma told us if we hadn't shown up by that day she had someone who was going to check on us up in the mountains of Rincón. His parents made it through the storm okay with minimal damage to their house. Papa Fernando turned up the weather radio while Mama Zulma made us coffee on a gas stove. Her kitchen floor bubbled and popped as she stepped caused by minor flooding through their kitchen window. They hadn't been out of the house since the storm so we decided to take them on a drive around Mayagüez to check the damage. 

 We spotted 18 wheelers and shipping containers flipped over like hot wheels on the roads. A shopping center’s roof now on the other side of the highway. We went to check the beach of Mayagüez and that was by far the worst. The ocean had swallowed the coast line, sucking back everything it engulfed. Tops of cars stuck out of the ocean behind the crashing waves. Being only 2 days after the hurricane, we witnessed people coming back to their homes for the first time to find they had lost everything. One woman lost her whole house when the road collapsed making the concrete structure crumble. The police wouldn't let her inside her own home because it was so unsafe. Across the street another family told us they had 4 feet of water inside their house ruining all of their belongings. Our hearts hurt for these people. It was a very emotional day. 

 Mama Zulma sent us off with food and supplies as she always did even before the storm. I gave her my family's phone number in case she was able to get phone service before us to let them know we were safe. Javi and I planned to be back in 2 days to check on them again. At home we still had a nice set up. Plenty of canned food, 2 burner Camping stove, even ice in a cooler! Outside we started piling up rubble but to this day we haven't made a dent in the clean up downstairs. The water took some time to dry up with no sun to help it evaporate. I prayed for no rain for the sake of the people without roofs. The days were slow and long and I worried about my family. Hoping they gave us the benefit of the doubt we were safe. To me, that's been one of the hardest parts of this whole mess. Not having service to contact friends and family. If you were in a absolute dire situation you can't get a word out for help and that scared us.  

We made it back to Mayagüez on time as promised. Mama Zulma told me a neighbor/family friend had a land line that was working by the miracles of God! She drove me over right away seeing the impatient look on my face to talk to family. I tried my mom but no answer. My dad, no answer. I was loosing patience when I finally made it through to my cousin/big sister, Katie. Katie and I grew up together in Florida. Pretending to chase storms and tornadoes since we were little girls. We joked this is what we had been training for our whole lives. Hearing her voice is one of the greatest feelings I've ever had in my whole life. She gave me such a sense of calm and peace. She filled me in on Maria's path (we were still clueless on what had happened) and how it shifted west closer to us as a category 3 like we had assumed. There was so much I had to say but with others waiting to use the phone the call was quick. 

The Perfect Storm Chapter 1 (Jensen x Reader)

Title: The Perfect Storm Chapter 1-She’s Here

Pairings: Jensen x Reader; Jensen x Danneel

Summary: Jensen just wanted his ex wife to sign the papers so he could marry Danneel. He never expected to be dragged back into the life of a storm chaser. But once a storm chaser, always a storm chaser. Based on the movie Twister (RIP Bill Paxton)

A/N: This story is dedicated to the beautiful, talented, amazing, all over fantastic @petrovadixon! The lyrics in this chapter are “Give it Away” by George Strait. I hope to be able to get this posted to AO3 soon, if it will work with me. Anyway, here it is. Feedback is welcome!

Edited because I didn’t realize (y/n) was changing to my name

****

Just give it away There ain't nothing in this house worth fightin' over Oh, we're both tired of fightin' anyway Just give it away

 Danneel reached over and turned down the radio as Jensen tapped his hand on the steering wheel. It felt weird not wearing his wedding band after so long, but that chapter of his life was coming to an end. But when Danneel turned down the radio, he looked over at her. Her red hair was blowing in the wind from the open window and she was wearing a pair of vintage aviators, so he couldn’t see her eyes, but he knew that look was there.

 “What gives?” He asked. “That was George Strait.”

 “Don’t you think that song is a little inappropriate?” She asked, looking out over the cornfields of Kansas. Jensen raised an eyebrow.

 “Inappropriate?” He asked. “It’s just about a guy going through a…oh…”

 “Yeah.” Danneel said with a sigh. Her feet were up on the dash as she relaxed back into her seat, loving that Jensen was doing all the driving. It was too nice of a day to use the AC all the time. Storms were moving in anyway, so she knew that the ride back would be windows up, AC going.

 “So…she will be there?” Danneel asked. “I don’t want us making this whole trip for nothing.”

 “Yeah, she’ll be there.” Jensen said, checking out the clouds as he drove. “They’ll all be there. They wouldn’t miss this perfect opportunity.” Danneel reached over and rested her hand on his thigh.

 “You’re nervous about this whole thing, aren’t you?” She smiled softly at Jensen.

 “Do I look nervous?” Jensen asked. Of course, he was nervous. It had been over a year since he had last seen her and he wasn’t sure how he was going to handle it. He never got this nervous, even when he was standing on a sound stage somewhere reading news or weather off a teleprompter.

 “Well, a little.” She said, giggling some. “But it looks good on you.” He smiled some.

 “I’m just glad that it’ll be over soon.” He sighed some.

 “And she did sign the papers, right?” Danneel asked. They had been struggling on and off with finding time to talk to her and get everything in order. She was always travelling for her work, and if she was in one place, it wasn’t in place for long. Luckily for Jensen, he knew she had someplace that she visited all the time where he knew she would get the notice of the attempt to divorce.

 “The last time I talked to her, she said she did.” He told Danneel. “We just have to meet up with her and get them.” He looked around as Kansas passed by. It had been so long since he left their home in Lawrence for Los Angeles. But it seemed like even longer since he left Texas for Kansas. “This place brings back memories.”

 “It does?” She asked, looking around. “But there’s nothing here.”

 “I know.” He sighed softly. “Isn’t it beautiful?” He glanced over at her. “But not as beautiful as you.” She smiled and pulled her feet down off the dash so she could lean over and kiss him on the cheek with a loud smooch. She looked back out the windshield.

 “Is that them up there?” Danneel asked, pointing to a group of people off in a little clearing right up by a farm. Jensen smiled some.

 “Yep, that’s them.” He said. He looked up at a van to see her standing there in a white tank top with the album cover of Mötley Crüe’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” on it. Her lucky tank top. He pulled the truck off into the clearing, not ready to get out yet. He could see the old team running around, fixing equipment. Misha was yelling at someone, which wasn’t unusual.

 “Don’t fold the maps.” Misha told Jake as he fished a water bottle out of their cooler in the back seat of their truck they were using.

 “I didn’t.” He groaned, hearing Jared’s music playing through the speakers on his bus again. He got it working after hail destroyed it in Oklahoma.

 “Well, according to this, there is a valley right through Wichita.” Misha sighed. “Always roll the maps.”

 “Aye, aye captain.” Jake said, saluting Misha. After hearing Misha yelling at the poor kid, Jensen finally found his calm place and opened the driver’s door as Danneel opened hers. They climbed out and Jensen smiled over at the two.

 “Jenny?” Misha said, earning a thumbs up from Jensen. “Well hot damn! Jake, Jensen’s back!”

 “I’m not back.” Jensen said, shaking his head. “Where’s (y/n)?”

 “The queen’s busy fixing the satellite.” Jake said. “Her and Jeff have been working on it all night. Of course, he was more worried about being able to hear the perfect soundtrack over the roars of a twister.”

 “Yeah, that’s Jared for you.” Jensen sighed. Jared looked out the windshield of his bus then, his eyes widening as he jumped off. HE ran over to Jensen before Misha and Jake could go to him.

 “The Extreme!” Jared called out, barreling over and picking up his friend in a crushing bear hug.

 “Jesus Jared, don’t start that again.” Jensen gasped. “Put me down Sasquatch.” Jared set Jensen down on his feet, but he still had a big grin on his face. Danneel slowly came around the truck, a little weary of the moose man in front of her. “Guys, I want to introduce you to Danneel. Danni, this is Misha, Jake, and Jay. Jared. The guys.”

 “Nice to meet you.” Danneel said. Jared laughed and pulled her in for a hug. He was definatly a hugger. Jensen forgot to warn her of that little fact.

 “Is she busy?” Jensen asked Misha. “Like is she almost done?”

 “I don’t know man. You know her better than we do.” Misha told him. Jensen shook his head.

 “I don’t know about that one.” He sighed. “Danni, sweetie, why don’t you hang out here with the guys. I’m going to go talk to her.”

 “Okay honey.” Danneel said, a little out of breath after the Padalecki hug.

 “Hey Jay, why don’t you try to explain to her why you are the way you are? It’ll kill some time.” He laughed. Jared did a weird little dance, holding Danneel’s hand as he did, making her look up at Jensen with a scared expression. Jensen gave her a small smile before heading over to the van where Jeff was currently holding up wires while (y/n) poked and prodded at the Doppler mounted on top.

 As Jensen made his way over to (y/n) on the longest walk ever, he passed people he thought he would never see again. Jim, Rob, Richie just to name a few. He was honestly surprised they all clung together after the final straw between him and (y/n), but he couldn’t really blame them. There wasn’t really a big demand for professional storm chasers. And many of them wouldn’t survive a week working at the Weather Service. Jensen sighed as he finally arrived at the van. Jeff looked up at him and wondered how fast he could get out of here before (y/n) noticed.

 “Hey (y/n).” Jensen said. She cringed a little but looked around the Doppler and smiled.

 “Hey Jen.” She said, being very pleasant. “I’m glad you found us. I wasn’t exactly sure where we would end up on this road.”

 “How are you?” Jensen asked, trying so hard to be nice. Actually, it wasn’t that hard. The hard thing was joining (y/n) up on top of the van. Like old times.

 “Great.” She looked up at the darkening sky. “Looking like we’re going to have a fun afternoon.” Felicia came over to stand by Jeff as Jensen and (y/n) talked to each other for a second. (y/n) climbed down off the van.

 “So, about the papers…” Jensen started to say when Colin, a kid would could easily pass as Jared’s brother, called her over to check out the camera he had dropped in the mud a couple tornadoes ago. He watched her handle it with all the grace he had ever seen. Too bad she couldn’t handle everything that way. She made her way back over to Felicia and Jeff, checking the last of the monitors and signals.

 “You want the papers?” She asked. Jeff and Felicia looked at each other before taking a step back and looking down at some readouts, trying to distance themselves from what was going on in front of them. “They’re signed and ready to go.”

 “Good.” Jensen sighed. “Where are they?”

 “In the truck.” She told him, not even looking up. He looked around, seeing that god awful yellow Jeep pickup sitting not too far from them.

 “Can you get them?” He asked.

 “What’s with the urgency? You’d think you were getting married…” She froze then, knowing the answer but not wanting to hear it.

 “I am.” He explained. “Her name is Danneel Harris. We met out in LA.” (Y/n) nodded some and left where she was standing, heading for her truck.

 “Went from me to Danneel. You don’t browse around much, do you?” She joked, making Jensen roll his eyes.

 “You know the answer to that.” He said. She opened the door to the truck and leaned in, opening the glove box and pulling out the envelope.

 “Here you go.” She said. He took them and started to examine them, making sure nothing was missed. (Y/n) realized then that she was still wearing that ring. She quickly pulled it off and tossed it into the truck so he couldn’t see it.

 “You missed a page.” Jensen said as she started to walk away. She sighed and turned around. “Just two more signatures. That’s all I need and we’ll be out of your hair.”

 “Sure you will Jen.” She sighed softly, walking over and grabbing a pen out of her truck. “Wait, she’s here?”

 “Yes she is. I left her with Jay.” Jensen explained. (Y/n) laughed.

 “You left her with Jay? What’s the matter with you?” She headed over to where Jared and Danneel were, much to Jensen’s protests.

 “What are you doing?”

 “I wanna meet her.” (Y/n) said, walking away. Jensen growled out and grabbed the papers. They made it over to Danneel and Jared as Jared was explaining suck zones to her, making her giggle some.

 “Hey there. You must be Danneel.” (Y/n) said, walking over and shaking her hand. “I’m (y/n) (y/l/n).” She took your hand and shook it. “Jenny was just telling me the happy news.”

 “Jenny? Happy news?” She asked.

 “About us.” Jensen sighed. Danneel nodded, laughing a little as she thought about Jensen’s nickname.

 “You’re getting hitched? That’s awesome man.” Jared laughed. Jensen looked down at him.

 “We wanted to get it done before Jensen’s new job.” Danneel said.

 “Oh, I almost forgot. TV weather person. She almost sneered.

 “Hey. Don’t mock it.” Jensen sighed.

 “I’m not mocking anything.” She said as she walked away. Danneel answered her phone then as Jensen followed, making a motion with her hand to tell him to get the papers. Jensen followed (y/n) as she examined his cherry red ride. “New truck. New job. New girl. You’re a whole new Ackles.”

 “I know how awkward this is…”

 “I thought you would’ve been coming out here alone.” She said, crossing her arms over her chest. Jense laughed some.

 “I didn’t think I’d be coming out here at all.” He said. “You promised to have them to us by January. It’s July.”

 “Sorry. I’ve been busy.” (Y/n) explained to him.

 “With what?” Jensen asked. “What is so important that you couldn’t take five minutes to drop these back off at the Wakita post office?”

 “Dorthy.” She said softly. Jensen raised an eyebrow.

 “Dorthy? What about her?” He asked. (Y/n) smiled some.

 “She’s here.” She told him, noticing how she was drawing him back in. His eyes widened.

 “Show me.”

Dear Son

Dear Jake,

Mentally preparing to write this note to you has caused me panic and anxiety, but most of all, guilt. Always guilt. Dredging up sentiments of feeling terrorized by my own son is disheartening. Writing to you scares me, as I am full of fear, driven by it. It frightens me to admit to myself that I often hate you. I try to make sense of it, hating my own child, but it’s irrational, and there is no explanation for this impossible, un-mother-like emotion I feel toward you. I struggle with shame and embarrassment that I can’t keep my own offspring “under control”. I often desperately want you, this little jerk standing in front of me throwing yet another “tantrum”, to go as far away from me as possible, and in that moment when I feel so helpless, I want to cause you harm.  I have imagined hitting you so hard with the back of my hand, the impact sending you flying across the room. That will stop him, that will break the tantrum, set him free, bring him back to himself. You have Bipolar Disorder. You terrible, awful, wonderful, loving, thoughtful, crazy, angry, beautiful little person.

I have grown a resentment toward you, we all have, and that is an uncomfortable feeling, an itch you can’t scratch. Every moment you are awake, presents itself with the  possibility you may torment us. Every second of our day is dictated by your reactions to seemingly ordinary routines, which, if interrupted by the word No, might erupt into a two hour rage. I tense up, shoulders at my ears, when I have to give you instruction, say No, ask you to stop doing something, or ask you to perform a chore. The thought of having an interaction with you, any interaction, causes me to become nervous, as if I have just inhaled a puff of smoke. I have to prepare to have a simple conversation with you, my own son, anticipate possible outcomes and how I will manage if I am unsuccessful, all while pressure is rising in my chest, making it difficult to breathe.

I needed a label for these recurring episodes, so I settled for “tantrum”. It always begins the same, something is not going your way, and it ensues. If you are finished in less than an hour, we call that a good day. Often your tantrums last two hours, and we, your cohabitants, are left to fend for ourselves, clambering about the house or yard seeking some mode of escape, searching for solace, mutely bargaining with our brains to focus on something else, anything else. You begin with yelling, the same phrase over and over, akin to a broken record, as if you are locked in a state of mind which is set to repeat. You follow me, stepping on my feet and jumping in my path as I try to ignore your tantrum, believing truly that if I don’t give it attention, it will stop, because, isn’t that what we are taught as parents to do? Ignore the bad and praise the good? You throw things, slam doors, push and pull on me, or whoever is trying to help you calm down. But there is nothing anyone can do to stop this tantrum, this rage, once it starts. It is a beast in motion that consumes you, takes over your body, and has a very slim vocabulary. It has a start and a finish, and cannot be interrupted. I always know when it’s finally over, because you abruptly quiet down, and after succumbing to staying in your room for the remainder of the tantrum, you emerge with a fresh attitude. And here is the part I don’t understand, the element of this disease that terrifies me, wakes me up in the middle of the night, my mind racing: You are over it. Like a lion from a cage, the tantrum has left you, and the demeanor that follows is pleasant, in fact, your most pleasant and lovely self. I wonder, is this some sort of chemical build-up, release, and recovery? Is this a “normal” cycle for a young man suffering from Bipolar Disorder? You, my sweet boy, have now gone full circle with your tantrum, and we are left recuperating from the tornado which has passed. This cruel thing that has just overcome you leaves a wake in which we are all drowning, but you are just fine.

I told my friends and family, I told the doctors, the therapists, I told my husband, I will never put you on medication. I will never purposely alter your true identity, your purest existence as an innocent little boy, a growing young man, by confusing your hormones and your mind with medication. But I have done just that. You are ten years old, and I have decided you need help that I cannot give you with my words or my love and affection. I cannot fight with you anymore, argue, negotiate, cry, hide, close doors on you, or wait it out. I am depleted. Do you remember the ride to school when you were having a tantrum? You were kicking my dashboard and the side of the door, you were screaming and crying, repeating your rants, whatever they were. You were angry because I asked you to put on your shoes. Your little brother sat in the back seat, and when I peeked behind my seat to see how he was handling the tantrum, I noticed a tear on his cheek. He was looking out the window in silence, as he always does in the car when you have a tantrum. When we arrived to campus, you were still in a rage, so I made what seems like a spiteful decision and rolled down your window, then locked the control. As we inched along through the school parking lot, you were swiftly compelled to tone yourself down. It seems impossible I didn’t have this revelation until then, but I understand now that you save these tantrums for me, and only me. 

Son, since you were three, I have taken you to therapists, specialists, group parenting classes, ADHD testing, parent-child-interaction therapy, all because I knew this was somehow my fault, there was something you needed that I was not providing. I thought, I must be his trigger. The morning you threw that tantrum, we parked and you bolted from the car, your brother and I ambling along behind you, following through the fog of lunacy you seemed to be emitting. You stomped ahead, trying to put distance between us. Your brother trailed closely behind me, waiting for some indication of how he should be feeling.  After walking your brother to class, kissing him goodbye, and offering a comforting hug, I came to find you sitting on a bench outside the cafeteria. You said Hi, and I began to cry. Blubbering sobs, nose running, tears spilling out between my fingers. You asked me what was wrong, you seemed bewildered, concerned, maybe a little embarrassed. I took a deep breath, put my arm around your shoulder, and said, “Have a great day, buddy. I love you.” Then I called the doctor who had told me four months ago you have Bipolar disorder, and told him I was ready. 

I felt intense relief when I accepted the diagnosis and picked up the first batch of little blue pills from the pharmacy. I could inhale, a long deep breath of fresh air, and exhale the finality of this, cough out the end of an era. A new boy was about to emerge. With each blue pill you took, every day, a layer of that exterior monster who ambushes you and holds you hostage would be peeled away, ultimately revealing you, the raw, fantastic young man who none of has had the pleasure of loving enough. At last you would be able to make some friends, and harvest lasting relationships with classmates. Your tics and twitches might dissipate, and you would be more focused and engaged in class. Our home life would improve, and you would feel free of the sadness and anger that seems to consume you. 

I predicted a transformation in you, an alleviation from this dense cloud that hovers and follows us everywhere we go. I guess that was hope, but with this illness, hope and expectation are persecution. You have been medicated for six months now, and for the most part, the tantrums have stopped. You have had a handful, but where there is often violence that accompanies the tantrum, you have refrained. You are much easier to approach now, I don’t feel afraid to ask something of you. But Jake, you are still you, you have not changed one bit. The blue pills chipped away at the monster who held you captive, revealing the young man who was there all along. You. Not a new boy who can make and keep friends, work harder in class or at sports, or hold still when you’re attacked by a series of tics. You are still you, it is me who has changed.

I am not afraid of you anymore. The looming threat of a conflict or tantrum has faded from our daily lives. Although we still have difficult moments, this makes room in our lives for healing and mending bonds which have long been broken. To assume life will continue this way is naive. I have only just discovered you have this disease. Going forward, as you become a teenager, and then a man, a husband, a father, your life may be difficult, impossible at times. I fear the worst but pray for you to be content. I pray you will not alter or quit your medication as often happens, from what I have read. But again, to forsee the future, to expect, hope, worry, is to torture myself. I can only stay in today, this moment, with you, my first boy. I can only remind you of how special you are. You have an incredible gift with animals, you are always the first at someone’s side if they are hurt, you open doors for people, you are thoughtful, generous, and incredibly smart. Most importantly, Jake, you forgive me my weaknesses in struggling with your moods. You allow me to navigate through this storm with you. You always come back to me and let me hold you, and for that reason, you are my hero. 

I love you always. Mom.