#moms suck so fucking bad man....
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#moms suck so fucking bad man....#i have GOT to go back to fuckin therapy bro. or else i am gonna lose it on this woman#my whole life i have tried to make myself as low-maintenance as possible. i never ask for fucking anything. i wouldnt ask for candy or toys#or anything bc she CONSTANTLY complained to let us know how much of a burden we were and how much she regrets having us.#i try so hard to please her#while my sister totals 4 cars#needs to hire a fuckin lawyer. constantly manipulates and throws tantrums to get her fucking way#and somehow IM THE ONE THAT NEVER PAYS HER BACK OR DOES THEIR FAIR SHARE. WHAT THE FUCK??????? DO YOU SMOKE CRACK??????????#ive worked since i was 16 and moved out by myself at age 20!!!!!!! and somehow IM the childish and immature one!!!!!!!!#if i cant vent to a professional soon i am gonna go nuts. ball to the fuckin wall. 22 years of pent up rage.#my sister has fucked them out of 20 grand EASY. but I BOUGHT THEM THEIR FUCKIN CAMARO WITH *MY* SAVINGS#they paid me back but jesus christ! how the fuck can you call me unreliable or claim i owe you fucking money!!!!!
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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I think the biggest red flag for me regarding the hopelesspeaches and lio convoy stuff, their entire group (especially lio) has near identical speech patterns and dynamics as my mom's online friend group. Which is less of a red flag and more of a raging wildfire tbh
#I listened to all the calls when they 'leaked' but I didn't know they were leaks I thought lio posted that stuff proudly#I didn't know that they weren't meant to be seen by the public until just now lol#Anyways I'm pleasantly surprised people are talking about how fucked up they were#Bc tbh when I was like 'oh this makes peaches (and everyone else) look like a bitch kinda' the first time I heard the calls-#I thought I was maybe being too judgey or sensitive or something?#But now everyone else is like 'yeah they are all being bitches actually' im like. Oh! So I understood right and wasn't just overreacting#Mostly bc lio was ranting about being a conservative Christian and weird 'nuclear family values' on one call and my immediate thought was#'oh gross Im too biased against this man to be able to look at this-#-discussion objectively. I'm gonna think he sucks regardless of the situation and therefore idk lf im a fair judge ?'#So it's cool to get confirmation from other ppl saying 'oh no ur right he sucks and here's why'#this is the 2nd time this week I got 'no youre not just overreacting. Other ppl are upset too' validation abt a topic. cool#//shade#I'm sure there's plenty of found family groups online that are great but so many of the ones i hear abt feel like a cult imo#My mom is in a group where this dude calls her and other women there his daughters like lio does to peaches and it feels gross to me idk#Ik everyone craves found family connections but. Idkk it feels weird to be taking that in a literal sense and calling them dad/my daughter#Feels like introducing unnecessary power dynamics.#Theres a difference between 'oh this person is like family to me because we're so close'#vs 'oh i am adopting this person and assuming a parental position over them'. that sounds unhealthy I think ?#Edit I just found out lio posted a response but it's midnight and I have a date tomorrow I'm not watching that rn lol#imo both him and peaches are bad and idc if one is worse than the other or whatever.#Peaches has been two faced for a while; lio might've taken advantage of her bc he's kinda creepy. They're both saying the other abused them#This is like jade and julian talking shit about each other to me. Idc guys I hate both of u srry <3#Iykyk
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#there's all this talk in the show about the power he had over people but none about the women who had power over him#note im not saying that it excuses his shit either im just saying the eshow never really holds the women accountable#as a woman that annoys me#esp as one with a mom who has often made me feel worthless#i also found the writers to get way too insecure in s5 about how people viewed their main character that they felt the need to double down#give mc a sympathic backstory and will feel bad for him what were they expecting?#heck i felt kinda bad for beatrice and i dont hate her but her dad sucked you cant help but pity her esp as an old lady#angela diaz#scary women#she was so damn convincing#for a show about accountabiity its justall on one mans shoulder and it just doesnt feel like it was that fair shrugs#dont believe me?#ana his publist sexually assaults BJ#this is ignored and brushed off as if it never happened#beatrice his biggest abuser next to his father is given the sad old lady treatment that he acutally ends up being kind too#diane fucks pb who is with pickles and is mostly absolved of any wrong doing on her end#pc agrees to work with vance gets bj to a doc that gives him the opiums and does nothing to stop him from hurting gina#angela is gay the whole time and still fires herb then berates and offers a man who is mentally unstable more alchhol#it also felt tacked on in ep 10 of s5 to me like it came of super insecure#oh he def did shitty sshit that is unforgiveable but it felt like they were just throwing a bunc of random x//a/s to double down
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Really want to grind my brain into a useless pulp rn
#vent#ʷʰʸ does it not make me better at art#is it autism? is the autism limiting me?? am I not autistic ENOUGH? not adhd ENOUGH?#ʷʰʸ do i seem to be so devoid of creativity and technical ability#ʷʰʸ is every piece a battle that turns out not to be good enough#im so fucking tired of seeing how good everyone else is and how horse shit I am#im gonna be 25 this shit is EMBARRASSIng#I SHOULD BE BETTER!!!!#fucking hate my life man#this is just ONE of the reasons#cherry on top of the shit sundae in fact#my own mom says my life sucks lmfao#u know its bad when ur mama sees it lmao
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i need someone to do one of them sitcom cliche birthday episodes to me
#🐠.txt#im trying not to dwell on all of it at least for the day but. urgh#this months sucked man#first weird medical shit thats still unsorted and then my ipad fucks up so bad i had to reset it completely#losing my only art archive for the past 3 years or so#and bc of my moms college finals we barely got to celebrate hanukkah this year#ive just felt so stressed and miserable all month#idk ill draw yaoi about it after i sleep#im gonna watch youtubes n let my brain shut off#vent
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mmaster hcief
#personal! ok idk why but i am in such a bad fucking mood after realizing that yet another year has passed where my father hasnt like.#really ??? cared ??? i dont know man my parents are taking me out to eat but i didnt get a text or a call or anything#like man i know im not the one thats ur blood child but come on i remember yours and wish you every year :(#my mom only really remembered when i showed up and jokingly was like “ey next time you see me ill be a whole year older”#this week has sucked so bad brother i hope it wont set the tone for the next year LKHL:D:FLGHK#happy birthday more like KILL YOURSELF INSTANTLY POTION#god only like my friends and two family members remembered im realizing. fuuuuuuuuuck. not even the people i live with minus my fiance#i only exist to these people when its time to talk behind somebodys back brother#maybe i drive my car into a tree tomorrow ^_^ in theory itd be good for me but at the end of the day if these people didnt care when i went#to the fucking mental ward for plotting to kill myself i doubt theyd care if i bled out in a ditch either#they never called or visited they just picked me up and told me to never do that shit again#maybe i should have Not been born...............!#ermmm#personal#vent#i guess. idk. just so if people have those tags blocked itll get filtered or whatever#i probably shouldnt just throw this out into the wild but i dont want to directly bother anybody i know rn idk.
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btw it turns out i DO still have the capability to cry from pain because last night i had the worst fucking migraine known to man and literally sat on my floor in the dark for almost two hours and eventually ended up crying because i got so uncomfortable but was helpless to do anything about it because i literally Couldn't Move and when my mom finally came in she had to help me into bed. so that was fun 👍
#🔪.text#my head still hurts tbh 👍#it was okayish when i first woke up#then it got worse again#then it got a little better#and now it hurts again. but it's tolerable.#but i finally went and searched for a program that allows my screen to go darker#so i have that on rn#and also have the night light on at a low level#anyway sorry for oversharing but i'm just. man.#that fucking sucked dude.#and it wasn't even really anyone's fault for not checking in on me sooner#because i did not say anything before disappearing into my room#because everyone was being too loud and i just. i couldn't talk#and even if i tried i would have been too quiet for anyone to hear#and i just needed to Get Away#and my mom just so happened to have a zoom call with her boss so she was not able to come in any sooner than she did#it was just a shitty situation all around :') really really bad timing.
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Every once and awhile I like to burst my mom's bubble on something and right now I'm in the process of bursting her bubble on Dr Phil, Dr oz, and Oprah and thankfully these people documentedly suck so hard it's not actually difficult for me to pull up details I remember that if looked up absolutely can be corroborated.
Anyway it's kind of a fun hobby of mine, mostly because I already burst my own bubble on these people (except Dr oz I never liked that asshole I HATED how much he constantly talked about dieting and weight loss, my LEAST favorite topic even now tbh) and it's taken me like 3 years of hint dropping to get here ok. It's been a long time coming 😂😂😭
#winters ramblings#my mom doesnt think shes stubborn but YEAH she is lmao it takes me AGES to lay out the ground work of a bubble burst#and then when it all gets set up right i knock it over because holy HELL i cant be having people going around thinking dr phil doesnt suck#therapy isnt entertainment!!! what the actual fuck!!!! also i always hated dr oz and oprah was so sad to learn sucked#i mean she seemed like such a nice lady amd i dont even think shes a bad person exactly i just think shes horrendously negligent#about like EVERYTHING to do with the power she holds and how much shes spread misinfo and venorated quacks#although dr oz actually IS a hella good heart surgeon but unless you need heart surgery dont listen to that idiot#mans knows his way around a heart with a scalpel and thats IT and hes VERY good with the scalpel credit where its due#but mans is ALSO a huckster calling green coffee bean extract and raspberry ketones miracle drugs for weight loss#TOTAL fucking hack.
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i miss my girlfriend
#saw her five hrs ago btw. and have texted her several times since then. but i miss her#i am just having the shittiest day ever i had to go to my grandparents house after the most grueling work shift#and i barely ate today. not on purpose. it just didnt happen. so i was withering where i stood it was so fucking bad#literallt started crying when my mom picked me up n said we were going to the grandparents house. was cryimg the whole time we were there#i domt ebem know why im just so stressed today i guess !! its eating me alive lol!!!#i want. to sit in her arms. and have her tell me about some stupid show i dont give a shit about#and for her to hold my hand. the whole time. for five hours straight and i dotn even speak at all that whole time#aughhhhhh augh augh augh. this sucks so bad. when this week is over i will be the happiest man alive
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struggling to process today's session. I am not having a good brain day and it's deeply frustrating to Speak Wrong
#mine#lem experiences cognitive behavioural torture#well. not Wrong. just that spaghetti at wall word vomit until I find a topic I can string together multiple sentences for.#I meant to gather my thoughts the previous night but didn't#touched briefly on my fear of mental deterioration. I tried and probably failed once again to express how little I'm worried abt my body#which is frustrating in a different way bc I'm NOT as comfortable sharing my dx rap sheet as I used to be so I'm greatly understating#how much the body is zapping from me. like it's not one or two comorbidities it's like 8 and no I WON'T be seeing another specialist#''but don't you want to know what's wrong?'' I know what's wrong old man. I'm not having another 70$ copay to be told it's ''not THAT bad''#I'm getting closer to angry eye contact tho so that's nice. I hope he's the sort that would respond involuntarily to a glare.#there's so much internal discomfort and I need to expel it onto someone else#anyway I told him abt the walk w big sis and he was like ''that's p far'' ??? no?? ''it's a couple miles and a steep hile'' yes.#''that's a lot'' no? ''it is if you don't regularly do that'' ?? I agree w this statement but I cannot apply it to myself#yeah yeah going from 0 to 100 bad but ????? the goal was to coffee shop? I met the goal? why is goal moved backwards?#''you could try walking half the distance on the less steep route for a couple days'' BUT WHY#I DID THE THING#I HAVE PROVEN MYSELF CAPABLE WHY MUST I DO EXTRA#the fucking logistics of this sucks. now instead of one good day when the weather and my schedule and pain levels align... I need several??#I think this is to build up stamina and get me out of the house but holy fuck there's a reason I don't go out more often#it took a 4day weekend and a fucking miracle to go on the first walk#during my complaining he mentioned that my trouble w visual overwhelm was align w a symptom of ''one of the diagnoses your mom suspected''#and it's just A) ... duh. it's the 'tism. B) she was repeating the words of my doctor. C) why does this guy not believe I'm autistic#clearly I'm not bothering him enough. I must find a way to rectify this immediately#lem has a body
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Apparently we might potentially move house as early as next summer due to finnancial issues, ghuahggghgfuck
#sludgetalkz#starting this year off on a strong note i guess hesus fucking christ#time to ramble in the tags i guess because god this actually fucking sucks so much#this area has known my family and i for so long even just thinking of moving so far away makes me feel dizzy#not to mention ive literally never been to a different school in my life literally how the fuck is that gonna work#im not going to my senior year at some new school in a town we all know is even shittier than ours genuinely fuck that#god i dont know man we might not even do it but its likely and im do fucking scared man i hate this i jhate this#my mom makes so much money but we still cant afford to live alone iffucking hate everything#i dont wanna move yet imnnot ready man#sorry this is like actually fucking me up really bad i dont know what to do#after so many years ive finally started feeling like this apartment is my home im not ready to lose that yet even if we cant help it#im so tired of having to move house so much i just want to have a home and stay there for once
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explodes
#❝ chattering ! ♡#ITS BEEN . . .#a day#i had NO service in the school god damn#i got a lot of compliments on my outfit tho so that was swag#also band was fun mweheheh#i ended up getting all the electives i wanted so !!! thats also#good#my sister missed her bus home tho so like that was bad#the office lady fucking threatened my mom who 1) has no drivers liscense nd 2) has no car#that she wld call social securtiy ?? when she said my dad wld take like 30 mins to get there bc he works far away ????#like i knew the middle school staff sucked but what the FUCK#my mom was crying#i have nvr wanted to fight an adult so bad like man u don't have to be so fcuking rude like#we have circumstances nd we cant work around them at the drop of a hat#like if we had a second car drivers liscense be damned my mom wld have picked up my sister so like .#man im so pissed#ALSO IT WAS THE PRINCIPAL#i fucking hate her shes so rude to EVERYONE#literally no one at the school likes her i hope she quits or smth#also apparently she got onto my sister bc when my dad nd her got back she started crying like crazy#i hate school staff :punches air:
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#idk how to communicate to my parents#my mom specifically#that i have been actively suicidal again because i am so burnt out#i am trying so hard to do things that spark joy but goddamn it i just#and she says 'well maybe everyones tired from work all the time'#if everyone's tired of work whats the point of being alive#i dont want to live like this#how do i communicate that i am trying to find a way out because my alternative is dying#my alternative is not just 'being a little sad'#it is dying#but she doesnt ever get it#how to communicate you are being serious about how close you are to just dying because living is so so SO FUCKING HARD#i may have cried out of frustration again today#her solution to my being burnt out is to work harder#when i dont have anything left to give#idk man it sucks when youre trying to find a way out of Pain Cavern That Actively Makes You Want To Die#but ppl tell you maybe you're just being dramatic#because 'everyone has it bad'#im just#what do i even do here
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Wrestling rambling, putting it below the cut for heavy subject matter
I think a heel going up on the mic to use a real actual persons struggles with addiction as a way to gain heat just. Sucks actually. I think the key to doing a good script for heel shit is knowing where the line is and walking up to it, but not over it, and any time they have somebody just stride over it like that it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like, man. Can you imagine having something Bad going on in your life and having your boss put that into a show in front of thousands of people. That just. Blows. That can't be good for anyone. And it's not a new nor unprecedented thing this just is part of a Thing in wrestling and i hate it tbh; wrestlers are performers, they are human beings with real lives. I would much prefer if actual real genuine struggles that can severely impact people's lives weren't utilised to gain heat, you can gain it w/o doing that, it just feels like a cheap and dirty shot and not in a fun in-kayfabe way, in a 'man this isn't fun' way. Wrestling is a performance, i wanna watch a good show, i want a good script and great performances, not scripts that are just taking cheap and nasty low blows just to get a reaction; man, get a reaction with a good performance. Make me believe in a heel instead of resorting to That. Everyone is better than that!! You can do better!!
#addiction cw#maaaaaaan i love professional wrestling but boy do i hate the ppl calling the shots in these companies#love wrestlers!! Thats who i am here for! Not here for whoever has made some script choices that are. Leaving a bad taste in the mouth#sorry not sorry for rambling about wrestling i care a lot abt it and i want it to be Good#Why cant you just have christian wanna fuck somebodys mom w/o bringing in the real life issues and struggles of people. Cmon man#AND IM NOT SAYING YOU CANT HAVE NASTY UNLIKEABLE HEELS TOU CAN AND SHOULD#you should have motherfuckers who you hate the GUTS of#but this wasnt that. It pulled me out of the performance immediately#LIKE. Its just cheap. Its a cheap dirty shot and its not good#i wanna hate a heel so bad i wanna hit him w a truck. There are SO many ways to make a heel like that#that dont include cheap ass shots at real actual peoples ongoing and upsetting struggles yknow?#'but jay this has been a thing in wrestling forever' YEAH AND I THINK IT SUCKS. IDC. ITS BAD#Newsflash assholes it has always sucked! It sucks in wwe and it sucks in aew and it sucks in any promotion that does it!#and idc if its christians schtick or whatever. It still just sucks.#in a real world fight yeah you go for low blows like that but real world fights arent fun#they arent scripted performances made to entertain. Wrestling is. I wanna be entertained thats why i like wrestling.#i dont want This Shit
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yay weed
#the bin#i shoudk save my money but im not going to. this is the closest thing i have to antidepressants and actually effective pain killers so#whatever. it helps with my anxiety too. it helps with almost everything. unless im in a lot of pain and then it makes that pain way worse#if i have a more than minor headache then it makes that way worse and if something specific hurts really REALLY bad then its not good#but if not then it fixes most of my stuff. its temporary but it whaatever works :/ and the next day is usually pretty good too#its not THAT expensive. ive been getting the cheapest option around me and its not terrible. i wish i could have less but alas#i envy ppl who can do 10mgs and have it help and have a good time. i have 10mg and everything sucks#everything still hurts. my brain is still very much on. im just unable to see straight and my walking gets weird and my mouth gets dry#and nothing is enjoyable. it just sucks. 15 is ok but its not really worth it to me honestly. its kinda boring. if im soending this money#then it has to be good. better to have a much better experience than to save a little bit of money and have several less good ones#that are barely worth it anyway. hhh. my sister is being less weird abt it now at least.#i kinda fucking hate that this works so well but when i oull the 'it shuts my tourettes completely off' card ppl suddenly get very ok with#any amount i wanna have however often. its deeply insulting but also very expected. at least its convenient for me in this case#with my mom its not that insulting i guess. last time she was around mw very often my tics eere real bad and they were obviously very#unpleasant for me. but its mostly bc everything there was so stressful and overwhelming all the time and ut made it far worse#but shes actually pretty normal abt it. at leasts he is now#its rare that people are. ppl look at me like im inhuman. i try very very hard not to tic around people bc of this#the ppl im around rn dont look at me weird but ive hardly ever ticced in front of them.#getting high also helps my ocd so much which is huge. im glad when i move ill have a very not judgmental person to get it for me#at least my other older sister is very normal abt it. shes like yeha its ur body ur money ur choice. whatever man. and that s great.
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