Its 1:05 am

Let me start out by saying this: I want to invest more into my tumblr. I appreciate the people that I personally know who still follow and reblog/like my posts or at least the ones that I reblog as well. I wanted to make a finsta, but then I remembered that thats what my tumblr is for. I guess finstas are a lot more personable since you can follow specific people, but whatever, I rather use tumblr. Expect this first post to be all over the place because its my first one and I feel like a many bulbs have gone off. I always try to start a blog, but they never work out well. I think I’ll just stick to tumblr. Its my best and safest bet. Having it for so long has made it comfortable to use. PLUS I WANT TO USE IT MORE. Why not ya know. 

I actually like writing and typing things. My problem is inconsistency. I always hold myself accountable for being a lazy procrastinator. Since graduating, I realized that school was my hobby. It gave me headaches but also gave me a lot of joy. I like the challenges of certain classes. Now that school is over (and I do plan on going back) I’ve been feeling lost on what to do. Ive been in search of some self-improvement. I should be turning over that energy to working out, but I feel like if I watch what I eat I’ll be fine. For the most part at least.

I want to write more. Some of the content won’t make sense, but that is fine. Enjoy it or scroll over it. Its honestly your choice. Here a few ideas you can say:

1.When I was younger, I made a book that contained different poems. If I can get my hands on them I’ll post about them. I’ll even try to analyze them myself because boy, Melanie from the past was a little EMOtional.

2. Each post will written post will have a song that plays on repeat while I write and create it. It will set the mood for my writing. Currently playing: Seigfried by Frank Ocean. 

Thats about it lol, Ima go go bed. I’ll try not to do this shit so late. 

Oh 🧨

Living my best life

& your friends bad too

This boy

I absolutely do not understand feelings at all. Why, oh why must I have such a huge attraction to a boy that is a) taken and b) has never properly flirted with me. This boy with blonde hair, blue eyes, and scruff is bad for me. I may be a Christian, but I am no angel. This boy seems so perfect though. He has a job, drives, is smart, and funny. He's practically the complete package. I don't enjoy people who smoke and drink excessively. However, this he does. Why? Why must this perfect boy have such a bad habit? Why do I have such strong feelings for him? He's stuck in my dreams and clouds my mind all day. I attempt to ignore him, but his smile makes me so happy. 

I felt like such a whore for having an intimate dream with him. A taken man. A boy who belongs to someone else. I, myself, am disgusted. I remember the details vividly too. Him toying, touching, tonguing me. The pressure around my hips rising. The knot tightening and me just pouring all of myself to him. Only a dream though. I would love for this to be real, but it isn't. I hate how this stays on my mind and hate myself for feeling this way about him.

Im so stupid that sometimes i get mad at him for making me feel the way I do. These thoughts and emotions could all just be coming from my head. Am I mad? Am I crazy? 

I don't know what else to do. Talking to my friends isn't helping. Talking to myself isn't helping either. Sometimes I want to just come right out and tell him everything that Im feelings, but sadly I am not brave like other girls. My insecurtites about myself don't allow me to move any further. This is s pathetic. I'm pathetic. Time can only tell how this whole situation will play out.

Sadness

I'm always losing myself And sadness begins to win And take over ever inch Of by tired body. I can't pretended to be happy Can't pretend to be giddy Pretend to be okay I'm tired My eyes and messy buns Hold tremendous weight Help me Lord, Strength is needed, Faith is decreasing, But I still try to hold on