#me consulting my antidepressant brain like it's an oracle
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skipped logging day 3 of welbutrin, but i was just very emotional i both good ways and bad ways
theres this girl in school who is projecting insecurity and is trying to get into my head but like... my 3rd eye is open; my only competition is myself, but i know all people arent like that
it did really hurt my feelings that she's still talking shit about me, which came as a surprise to me bc it's unsurprising behavior from her part
the good part was that i was doing recordings for a competition (to make money bc im so broke pls, anyone who reads this pls manifest that i win any anything) and had a little transcendence moment singing a mahler piece, which was so deeply refreshing bc doing recordings is usually a nightmare and editing them is so cringe
but the song is about finding peace and closure in the feeling that everything is gonna be okay, which was such a euphoric feeling, but also bad bc i can't produce "quality vocals" while i cry which unfortunately is the point of doing the recording
but falling in love again with what i do and finally coming to appreciate the emotional labor of my work, which for so long was a hinderance on my art is very cool and good
day 4 of welbutrin: i didnt sleep well last night and i didnt have breakfast this morning
i have a terrible headache and had to come back to my apartment to lie down AND i have an audition in 2 hours ooooof
like, im VERY excited but SO exhausted
thats on me, i shouldve figured out breakfast, but this is the final stretch of the semester and i NEED to graduate
idk, they cant all be winners, and i still need time to get used to the meds i suppose
but it does feel like my life kind of started over
a soft reset (in a good way)
#personal#i miss the french horn player#i loved him sm omg#i was like wow they invented a man i can fall in love with and date#and thats on my sapphic awakening#i think about him often#i should tell him i got a juilliard audition bc thats where he did undergrad but#we are no contact for good reasons#good reasons being keeping whats left of my sanity#but i do want to ask him#but there are other people i can ask#me consulting my antidepressant brain like it's an oracle#or a magic 8 ball#shake it around and it gives an informed arbitrary answer#we'll see#i might txt him afterwards#i cant mess up my mental state before something so important#oh christ that might be the most important audition of my life up until this point.#i can do it but it's still daunting to a normal extent#baby's first time in new york#lets gooo
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