#maybe if i had irl friends and a job and a life i wouldnt care but im a fucking loser failure worthless good for nothing idiot. ofc im this
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No no you’re so right about the batfam thing, I thought I was the only one here. They’re all so mentally ill and have seen so much shit, this gray area of taking care of you (but at the same time never attempting to cure you) is so on brand.
Reader: ok so can I just go over this again. I was a grown adult woman with a job and an apartment and my own arguably shitty life and I was even a vigilante
Dick: yep sounds right so far
Reader: and I had a run in with a villain and maybe almost died and in the end i got turned back into a kid
Jason: yeah it was real scary, Damian totally cried
Reader: and after I was a kid again and i couldnt remember anything 'from the future', you gave me a new place to live, you fed me, you housed me, you even registered me in school and I literally went to high school with you guys
Barbara: yeah and the teachers love you ^^
Reader: i would have nightmares and PTSD and then one or even several of you would sleep in the same room as me, Alfred learned all my favorite dishes, we literally took family vacations overseas, you took me to all kinds of doctors whenever I was worried about my hair or my skin or wasn't feeling well to make sure I was literally in perfect health and wouldnt worry, some of you call me your sister completely unironically, and you guys did all of that, all of that for like FIVE YEARS--
Damian: well of course
Reader: and you NEVER attempted to talk to Dr Fate or Zatanna or Mr Terrific or like literally anyone about how to fix this and turn me back to normal literally NOT EVEN one single time? And what the fuck, are these ADOPTION PAPERS?
Jason:
Dick:
Bruce:
Barbara:
The dog:
Alfred, being as brutally honest as ever: it never came into consideration, no
Reader: man, fuck you guys, I'm gonna see what that "Earth-3" dimension is like, maybe THEIR Batman isn't a complete freak 😒
But gosh you wanna talk about morally gray, I was thinking of something when I was watching those Jason clips yesterday and you know, depending on the movie, people were discussing how he literally had head trauma that also could have altered his mental state and i began thinking: what if Reader got a concussion and it eventually spirals into the Batfam basically turning it into one big convenient excuse
Like imagine Reader is, you know a member or extended member of the fam, whether as is or attached to that age regression amnesia idea, and a villain just, REALLY gets a good move in, maybe the Joker himself brings his good friend the crowbar back and you take a good swing to the back of the head, and you have, like, CONFIRMED head trauma, definitely concussed, maybe you even need surgery or treatment for a fractured skull. Just the entire Batfam crowded around your bed comforting you as you lay there in bandages feeling just so weak and helpless and sad 🥺 and maybe not just the concussion but also the resulting months of bedrest until you recover directly result in you needing physical therapy so you're also physically weaker than before
And this goes from "oh gosh Reader is forgetting things more often and her ability to think and focus has obviously changed, what if this is permanent, we better make sure we support her and keep her company and try to help her and make things as accessible as possible" developing to "clearly you are only upset with us because your concussion scrambles you up sometimes and you're more emotional than you were before and you're not always in the right state of mind. what do you MEAN you want to move out and The Mission is stupid and none of us are actually fixing anything, youve never said stuff like this before, that's ridiculous, clearly you're just having another overstimulated meltdown but that's ok, we know you're struggling and you're still our family so we'll make sure you stay here and stay safe 🥰"
And you know, the Reader character is all emotional and stuff, but as the IRL Reader thats one of those situations where you kinda go "well shit, she DID have a traumatic head injury, from the Batfam's perspective you COULD legitimately just be suffering from a concussion and these 'aren't your real feelings'" and it's super morally gray because like yeah, you've been hurt real bad, and maybe you're still recovering, and maybe you do legitimately have a somewhat, er, slightly diminished mental ability now, but that's all manifesting in "you're literally having to break out of the house just to get some time to yourself because youre trapped or have a constant babysitter and Batman himself drags you back kicking and screaming while he's gently scolding how you shouldn't be out there by yourself and that you have to be more careful because what if you got hurt 🥺"
And even if Reader's emotions weren't being affected at all like, it brings THEM some sort of fucked up closure to believe that you're just a little unwell and not, like, you hating them because 'they couldn't protect you' and it is arguably their fault you even got brutalized in the first place. Bruce just internalizing the extreme guilt he feels until it manifests into you basically being treated even MORE like, like some kind of bubble baby, constantly kept safe in your perfectly handcrafted little prison of 'a peaceful life'.
#the joke being Earth 3 is literally the Everyone Is Fucking Evil dimension where Reader would be absolutely doomed#yandere stuff#sinprompts
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I don't know how old you are, nor how old your friend is, but let's be real a second, you can't mend others people's lives, you can't make someone go to therapy if they don't want to, you won't make someone wear something they don't like and you can't help someone who did not ask for that help.
I understand your feelings towards your friend, and how disgusting this old dude is, I really want to punch him, but at the end of the day honey it's her life, if this is what she wants, you talking all over Tumblr and having this savior complex would do nothing but waste your time. If you really want to do something go and talk to her parents.
Look, I had a friend whom fell into hard drugs, I was in highschool and I was so worried about her, she started dating older guys and doing bad stuff, I went through sea, earth and sky to help her and nothing happened, because she made her choices, she never asked for help, her nudes got leaked, could be categorized as c--ild p, but again, she never asked for help, and my efforts did not matter.
I think it's too common on young people having this savior complex, they think they can help, but sit a moment and really think about it, can you actually help? Do you have that power over someone else's life like that?
Talk to her in a real matter, just one more time, if she cares, if she wants, she's gonna listen to you and change, if nobody asked you, if it's not your business, she's not going to listen.
Remember it's not your life, she's a person and has the ability to choose for herself, you can go after the pedophile, you can talk to her parents, but again, nobody asked you to, it's not your fight.
Internet it's not the real life, neither is Tumblr, asking people here what to do on real life matters would only give dumb reasoning, people on the internet are scared to tell real stuff because people are intolerant, people on the internet have this weird morality complex, so don't ask on Tumblr, maybe on Reddit, but yeah, don't do that, I feel like you're too young so I understand this, but please, be real when touching your friend's life, you are literally trying to "change" someone else because you think you know what's best for her (I mean, you are not wrong at all, I want the pedophile in prison like right now) but you can't really choose for someone.
Take what you want out of here, I really don't mind, again, I can't force you to understand my point of view, but at the end of the day, I stand by my point, you can't "change" someone neither help them if they don't want in the first place.
Have a nice day m
This makes a hell lot of sense but i just cant sit here and see her throw away everything . I cant just do nothing-
I understand that you feel like talking on tumblr makes no sense but i feel like this is my safe space i can talk about rant abt thing or people that i wouldnt say or be able to say irl.
i cant talk to her parents. Her dad is not with them and her mom is a single mother with a job and this will crush her......
I'll try one last time and if it doesnt work i'll let her go.. I do have a saviours complex because i do not know the line between sacrifice and self-slaughter. Both of us turn 18 in a few months. I guess she can make her own decisions too...
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Neocity in Vancouver
Hey so I wanted to write a little “the vibe I got and what actually went down” for each of the boys from the vancity show! No one asked for this but my extra ass wants to do it anyways so enjoy!! Also it’s a given but all of this could be false so please don’t come for me.
TAEIL
this mans vocals oooooof i mean we been knew but hearing it live ?????? 10/10 confirmed that this man really has been blessed by an angelic voice. probably the most stable voice i’ve ever heard live
his singing voice and talking voice are the same irl, same with visuals (there was this one part were he was trying to be sexy and lemme tell u that my heart started beating faster and i started s w e a t i n g)
he didn’t talk much during the ments (i really wished he did, even if it was in korean) and i personally felt like he didn’t get as much cheers as the other boys (NCTZENS YOU COWARDS HOW DARE YOU 😤)
would sell my soul to have a mini taeil in my pocket. i can tell that he has the sweetest heart and is the most humble guy, he would be the greatest husband ever u can’t fight me on it
JOHNNY
looking for the embodiment of the word flirt?? well look no further. he is really out here thinking our lives are a joke acting like your typical boy next door crush saying all the things that make your heart MELT
he is a tol boi (even tho i was sitting far away I could still tell that he is a giant) he probably was a sequoia tree in his past life or something idk but he is mr.tall and big
i haven’t seen anyone talk about this but his voice was a higher pitch irl,,,,,, like the videos will never catch it but it’s not as deep and omg his little lisp is QT. singing/rapping voice (sm give him more lines u hoes) was the same and his visuals were ever better
he did a body roll at one point and everyone LOST IT (i for real started crying) he is so handsome and ugh every time he came on screen/talked he got the loudest cheers (next to mark) he is such a genuine and heartwarming person i wish he could just be my friend that’s all i want in life
TAEYONG
no surprises with this amazing person he really is THAT beautiful HIS EYES AND SMILE AND FACE I DIED and is a rap god. it was a little surreal seeing him standing there talking cuz like is he even real ???? was he actually a hologram ????? WHO KNOWS MAN WHO KNOWS
he is one of the best performers ive ever laid my eyes on. the charisma and aura that he has stunned everybody and all i had to say was woooooow, he left me shooketh. sm really hit the jackpot with him. he is one of the pillars that nct stands on and im thankful for it
voice and rap voice were the same irl nothing surprising of course we already know that he’s talented but the crowd did love and cheer for him lots. he started the show strong and ended it strong (also let us see his shoulders thank you sir)
when he wasn’t performing he stood back more to let the other members shine and do their thing (ooooof what a leader) but I did wish that he talked a little more during the ments that’s all i could’ve asked for. he gave me a chill but nervous(?) vibe idk how to explain it
DOYOUNG
this man is GORGEOUS irl his eyes were so mesmerizing and sparkly,,,,,,,he had the cutest smile ever and the vibe he gave off to me was a little intimidating but definitely confident. he knows that he’s talented and isn’t afraid to show it
like taeil his voice was the same irl and he is a vocal powerhouse too. stable and clean. really blessed my ears and soul whenever his mouth opened. his falsetto is NOT to be messed with👀 im not saying that he is a male version of ariana but that’s exactly what I’m saying
he really interacted with the fans during the ments and he was so funny (at one point he said something and we missed it and he started laughing and then said it again so we could scream for him,,,,,,,,,,,his ego im- skskskskskshd)
most iconic thing he said was that he wanted to keep going and going and going and that he didn’t want to leave like BOI JUST STAY THEN i can buy you a house and you can just stay in Canada sksksksj i wouldnt mind if he was my neighbor
YUTA
my fellow scorpi(h)o(e) birthday buddy loml person *insert gif of me crying* he really has a resting bitch face (same here) BUT HAS THE SWEETEST HEART AND SMILE i was falling so hard and fast for him. he would probably be my best friend if i ever met him
he was honestly like a little kid,,,,had so much energy and was laughing and jumping and acting all crazy, he joked around with us so much. but then when he performed it was all ✖️🔪☠️✖️💀 and I was feeling like 527273 emotions at once i didn’t know what to do
his voice sounded a little different irl but singing voice was beautiful *cough* sm give him more lines or i will come for you *cough* and his dancing is off the charts you can really tell he puts so much effort in to be an amazing performer. i’d say hes the next best dancer next to taeyong/haechan/mark
yall this boy deadass wore a toque and said that he looked like a canadian university student and kept saying “didn’t you guys know???” with the cutest little expression ever im DEAD INSIDE and ugh he is so caring for the other members and went to mark so many times during the show
JAEHYUN
ok yall know he’s my bias and can I just say that i died, went to highway to heaven, and came back every time he did ANYTHING ????? like anything. im a whipped bitch phew. my deadly crush on him got even bigger after this - bc he really is just a 21 y/o hot dude that i would fall for irl if i met him on the streets skdhcgljsdfg
singing voice ???? perfect. visuals ???? astonishing. hotel???? trivago. skskskks stop me. anyways lemme just say that this man goes HARD when he performs i was so concerned for him like pls chill a little. he kept milly rockin and pointing to the cameras and doing shoulder/body rolls and being a lil hoe (aka this was the best day of my life)
his smile is something to die for, there is a charm to it. also he is flirt no.2 after johnny. he knew EXACTLY what to say to get the attention and everyone gave him what he asked for. he kept on saying how he loved vancouver and had a crush on it. also called us HOT a few times😪
anytime he talked and came on screen he got loud cheers and he would soak it all in (meanwhile I was having a mental breakdown,,,,,the girl behind me kept looking at me every time like sis just let me die sheesh). he gives off chill but confident vibe - i would be terrified to approach him irl. really is a people pleaser and does things to earn him attention and love
JUNGWOO
babyboy.com ......... he really is the CUTEST member all I wanted to do was hold him and pat his lil head and tel him that everything was gonna be ok. he seemed really nervous but did an amazing job performing nonetheless but i do hope that he becomes more confident in himself when he’s on stage cuz he’d get more attention than he already does
they way he talks and acts is actually baby boy culture but i can tell that that’s just a mask to hide his true side, whatever that maybe, all i know is that we aint prepared for it. his eyes sparkled every time he talked and i know this is annoying but he really is snoopy. i won’t take it back.
like taeil, he didn’t talk much during the ments but still received lots of love and cheers when he did. i personally feel like he could be ncts secret weapon in some way but that is tbd. his vocals, voice, and visuals were the same irl he really couldn’t be anymore perfect.
he tried his best to talk in english and i want to thank him for it, IT WAS SO CUTEEEE. he started crying a little at one point when he was talking about touring and performing and my HEART BROKE like no bb come here I’ll just hug you and everything will be ok.
MARK
canadas boy. canadas treasure. canadas pride. canadas ass👀 and nctzens everything. he got the loudest cheers (obvi) and i swear every time he started to talk/rap/exist everyone would loose it and it made him flustered. he felt really touched by this show and im glad that we were able to make him feel like that
he gives off that typical high school boy crush vibe. he’s really THAT awkward young adult that has it all and doesn’t know what to do with it (you’ve definitely met someone just like him) he seemed a little nervous for the show which was a given and was so clueless when we started chanting his name😂 jaehyun had to take his in-ear thingy out and his face when he realized what we were saying KILLED me
his voice is the same irl but i personally felt like his looks stood out more. he looks more mature (?) in person. his eyes also SPARKLED like he really holds galaxies in his eyes. his smile and laugh really brought joy to my heart. i just wanna thank his parents for creating such a beautiful human being. also cheek bones
he talked about his day in vancouver and started to go down memory lane and was taking about how his school was closed on the day sm was holding auditions and how it’s been a decade since he’s come back (SM LET HIM VISIT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD) he also told us that he’s proud to be a canadian and that we’re lucky to live in such a beautiful place😭❤️ i- someone come hold me
HAECHAN
babyboy numero 2. he has the babiest face out of all of them but the SOFTEST voice legit sounds like an angel i assume. his hair and skin were flawless and people better stop wh*tewashing him LET HIS BEAUTY SHINE THROUGH PEOPLE
vocals sounded the same but the pitch of his talking voice is a little different. his smile got my heart racing and he has the cutest cheeks i wanna squishem so bad. he seemed a little shy and didn’t talk a lot during the ments. his stage presence really surprised me i legit started screaming “heee heee its haechan jackson” ksksksksks i hate myself
after they performed jet lag he straight up -no warning given- went “doesn’t it feel like we just went on a date?” LIKE BOI DO I LOOK- if you think I cried you’re absolutely right. he’s definitely johnnys son he’s LEARNING from the master of flirting. but he flirts in the most adorable way possible like how ????????
i would 12/10 die for him and also wouldn’t mind having a mini version of him around for emotional support and love. sm also hit the jackpot with haechan and i also feel like he’s another secret weapon in the group watch out yall i keep forgetting that he’s so young and that the best years are still ahead of him i can’t wait to see what the future has in store for such a talented person
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i could really sense the exhaustion from the boys. they’ve been go go go from the beginning and i truly hope that they get a well deserved rest. nonetheless they put on a great show, hyped up the crowd, and made us fall in love with them even more. also they performed jet lag for us and lemme tell you that it was a B O P. i wanna say that i died when jaehyun called out the fake fans bc they didn’t know the album release date i LOVE his savage and petty ass😘, this was my first ever kpop concert and im so blessed to have seen nct127, as Johnny said, i can’t wait to see what our journey together has in store for us. im so glad they enjoyed their time in Canada (they kept saying how beautiful it was and how they want to come back to more cities hekwishehsos catch ur girl dying over here).
#sorry this was so long#i just had a lot to say#again this is what my experience was#and what i felt#not to toot my own horn but#im pretty good at reading people#and sensing their vibes#and im on point for the most part#but again i could be wrong#so dont come for me#also im still an emptional wreck#i really miss them and cant wait to see them again#neocity#nct#nct127#taeil#johnny#taeyong#doyoung#yuta#jaehyun#jungwoo#mark#haechan#neocityincanada#neocityinvancouver
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thirty days of did asks - day two
Day Two: Who knows about your system? Who do you want to know? What do you feel like it’s like coming out as multiple?
currently, only my therapist, girlfriend, one of our alters' exes, and their old teacher knows were multiple. one of our previous therapists knows too, but i havent spoken to her at all since we left the program i was in as her patient. back in mid 2016 before junior year ended.
ill be honest here. in the beginning of the sessions with our current therapist (so this would be around mid-late 2016, i was the sole host and only fronter, everyone else had gone dormant after an event), i told him that i had "thought" i had did/osdd but i havent heard anything from the other alters since so like. i faked it ig nd he just went ok and we worked on my dysphoria and getting a name change for the body, working on getting a job. having help with college and starting testosterone (the main goal originally of therapy but it branched off from there bc i knew smth wasnt right) and then working thru not being on it anymore. he didnt care that i brought it up, he acknowledged it and moved on but definitely wrote it down in a document. and now he knows a little more about it which is good.
telling my gf was easy bc she has it too!! and weve been together since before i was in denial, so she knew about it too! and weve been together for two and a half years now so like. i trust her and she trusts me. her alters and mine interact constantly as well anyways so like everything is good there.
i told dyes ex about being multiple and he kinda gets it now, especially all the rapid changes that happened in middle and high school for the body. he knew us as the birthname we shared, but more specifically he knew and was rlly close with dye when she was fronting . but now he knows me as Lee (or tye but thats more of an irl thing), and i really appreciate that were
friends bc i have gotten to know him as such since i began fronting and its awesome. in addition to this, i told dyes old teacher from freshman year about us being multiple too; and he understood a lot about it and was really kind about it. he was the one that aided us into going to the hospital to get some serious help after a lot of emotional situations. we were bedridden and wouldnt go to school and were not in a good headspace. thankfully it helped but then there was a second hospitalization. and then a final third one and thats when i began hosting alone for like...2 years? yeah but this teacher helped us a lot and was a total friend to me during high school. i owe him a lot of my confidence and encouragment bc he gave that to me a lot
coming out as multiple is scary as fuck, even with people youve already known previously. a lot of ppl online know im multiple rn thru this blog, but i think thats ok bc if im able to open up about it someday in real life, people will understand and not be as shocked yknow? but yeah...and im not sure who i want to tell. i dont know if ill ever tell the momther? maybe tell dad, cause itll be kinda complex to explain but at least hell understand better....maybe tell our brother and sister someday. maybe our cousins in private. when i adopt kids with my girlfriend, well tell our kids when the time is right. it all depends on who im comfortable knowing about it
- lee
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a reflection
aka “holy fuck mom its been a year”
just warning yall now this is about to get hugely personal and if you’d rather not see insight of the worse sides of me or what’s been going on behind the scenes then i fully understand not reading this. i wont be offended. this is kind of as much for myself as it is anyone else.
so there have been a couple times in my life where ive had to look at myself and go “if i dont reach out for help of some kind, something really bad is going to happen”. around this time last year was one of those times. i was three credits shy of getting my degree and the last thing i needed to do was an internship, which would have started around this time and finished up by the end of 2016. i would have finished my education and gotten my degree.
and then i would have died.
id known this fact for a couple months now but as we were reaching two months from the end of the year i had this thought--maybe i should like, not do that??? so i put the internship on hold. i took a semester off on medical leave. while all of this was going on, kelly and erik had come to me asking me if i wanted to play dnd. i said sure, though i was pretty wary. id only ever played dnd once beforehand and it ended really badly--basically my character died and the rest of the party kind of callously left her behind which hurt and sucked.
ANYWAY i came up with the basic concept for tami. i know i wanted to play an orc because it was always weird to me that orcs are like the stereotypical and defacto villains that most parties are pitted against from the very beginning--what must it be like to be one of those people? but i wanted her to also diverge from the typical orc playable character, in that she was going to be quiet, stealthy, dexterous, and “level headed” (in quotes because yknow her emotions are something she’s always struggling with).
basically tami naruto jumping through the trees was always a key character concept from the word go.
but character creation is easy for me. ive been doing it nonstop since i was 10 years old. i also joined a new roleplay group around this same time. creative endeavors are something i can still pursue rather easily even in the throes of the worst mental breakdowns. in fact, its probably the reason ive survived most of them.
and i had no idea how much dnd was going to be that.
by this point, things were getting really bad and we were basically deciding what to do with me. my support network as ill call them (basically my therapists and doctors) were thinking i needed to be admitted into some kind of program and i agreed with them. but they wanted me to go to an inpatient program--essentially either being hospitalized or cut off from everything while i was taught how to yknow. not die.
but i didnt want to be cut off from everything. i wanted to play dnd. it was pretty much the only thing i had going for me at the time, since i wasnt doing any work or school. not to mention most of my irl friends were still in school or just generally busy and it was pretty much the only social thing i had to look forward to.
of course, that wasnt the only thing. in general, i just really didnt like the idea that i wouldnt be able to have a phone or computer for xyz months, quite literally being cut off from everyone and everything, including all of my essential coping mechanisms that have been keeping me alive thus far. but really, i knew that if i left the campaign just as it was starting for what would probably be months, i wouldnt be able to come back. and i didnt want that.
so i put my foot down and we got me enrolled in a local outpatient program. every day for 5 hours, i had to go to group therapy and learn how to Not Die. i had to go completely sober. i had to get drug tests. it was......hard, to say the least. it was scary and frankly humiliating to get to that point where i had to be constantly monitored to make sure i wasnt a danger to myself or others--even more so that it was justified.
every day we’d have to check in, let them know what our level of suicidal ideation was among other things, and i remember for those first few months, it was never none for me. but as long as it was passive, it was alright. in response, we were supposed to take a step back and look for things to live for, and look forward to. every friday we had to write about what we were planning on doing for the weekend.
and every friday i wrote the same thing: dnd.
it was honestly everything i needed during this time. i was going through a pretty rough period of agoraphobia and social anxiety, but once a week every week i got to be social as someone who wasnt myself. my experience with dnd hadnt been much up until that point, but almost none of you guys had played before. i felt almost an obligation to make a character that was somewhat take charge and open, in an effort to coax you guys out for the same. its kind of hard to remember at this point considering where we all are now, but at the beginning there, i know it was rough for a lot of us. i felt like i had to take charge, which was so the opposite of how i was actually living my life at the time.
and it was...nice. tami is much more confident and forthright than i am, and i had to force myself out of a lot of comfort zones to put myself in that place. but as weeks went on, it became easier, both in and out of character. all yall nerds are busy now but back then we were hanging out practically every night and it gave me a chance to not be alone with everything i was going through. unlike with say, the roleplay group, i wasnt just my character--i also got be myself with you guys. i got to rediscover who i was and could be during a time where i really didn’t see myself as anything worthy, let alone anything at all. plus, my connections to others has always been a driving force of me Not Dying and being able to be a part of such a blossoming close group was essential while living at home with little contact to my other friends.
and this went on for months. in that time, through the program, i was able to learn some essential, new coping mechanisms. i discovered some trauma that was affecting me way more than id given it credit for and was able to start working through it in a way that i hadn’t for years. through helping and supporting the others in my group, i was able to do the same for myself.
while all this was going on, i was constantly doodling tami and others in the margins of my notes. i was singing the praises of the group and the campaign to my program, whose members also became somewhat invested in the story and started asking me every week what had happened. it became such a huge part of my identity and every day that soon members of the program began to identify me with the game itself. it played such a huge role in my recovery.
but by march, i had graduated the program. id started up my internship, and was on my way to getting my degree. i got a nepotism job at my dads company, and i was actually leaving my house on a fairly regular basis. i dont want to say that it was all sunshine and rainbows because it wasn’t. i still had some pretty dark periods, and there were times that if you asked for a check in, i wouldnt be able to honestly say that there was no suicidal ideation.
but i kept on. and the only consistent thing throughout all of this was dnd. i started my own campaign on top of all of that, which has been an adventure in and of itself. tami has been through a lot, both through what has happened and general character development. it would be impossible not to after a year, even if it hasn’t been nearly as long in game.
i thought i had some sort of linear progression to all of this, and this would be the point where i wrap it up all neat and say that im all better and its all because of dnd but that.....isn’t true. its not true in life OR dnd, and i think thats why i like the game so much?? its narrative for sure, but there’s also so much uncertainty and surprise that you don’t get in general writing or roleplay. not everything works out plainly and neatly, with things being completely fucked just by a dice roll. it can be just as messy as life is. which is funny because thats exactly what i used to HATE about the game, and why i didnt want to play in the first place. i didnt want to not have control over the narrative. i didnt want to not have control over MY narrative
but i needed to give up that control if i was ever going to get help. i needed to put my safety, my mental health, my life into other peoples hands. i needed help and i needed connections--and thats kind of what dnd is all about. and in the end, it still might not matter. our characters can still die, the story can still go in a way that not even the dms are prepared for, we might not save the world.
BUT WE ALSO MIGHT!! we’re going to work together and try our best and do everything in our power to fulfill our own quests, help one another, and create a greater good for ourselves and the world around us!!! and its like yeah, im not fully recovered, i dont think full recovery is ever going to really be an option for me, but i can keep going, and i know im always going to have the support of yall and the people who care about me. that means more to me than you could ever know.
and not to be a downer but like...im still going to die, someday. maybe in the ways that i thought, or maybe not. and in the meantime i might not figure out my life plan or get an amazing job or even move out anytime soon. but for once, that thought isnt as paralyzing and world ending as it was this time last year. its okay for things to be uncertain. its okay that things might not work out neatly in the end. and i think dnd played a huge role in helping me come to terms with that.
so remember like four paragraphs ago when i said i was going to start wrapping this up?? lmao for anyone who made it this far, i salute you and thank you. this game has been really important to me but more so its YOU PEOPLE. you guys are just such a wonderful and awesome group of people and its been a privilege taking this journey with you for this last year--and for many more years to come! we’ve been at this for two months in game and who knows where we’ll all be this time next year or the year after or even more after that. i dont know!!!! and thats okay
love yall im gonna go order a pizza now peace ✌ ✌ ✌ (i have had nothing to drink thanks)
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11 questions tag
tagged by @miss-nobody-foryou
Rules:1. post the rules
2. answer the questions given to you by the tagger
3. write 11 questions of your own
4. tag 11 people
1. What do you feel when you see your favorite color?
Well it makes me feel at ease, since it’s blue, I love the ocean, the sky, I can find it everywhere and anywhere I go, in jewerly, clothes, peoples, eyes, souls are tinted with color too... so that’s what I feel a lot of love, I feel overwhelmed, I also feel small cuz blue has deep undertones...so romantic lol
2. American english or british english ?
BOTH!! American english makes me feel comfortable and almost gangster like haha, I love imitating accents, so I can speak in both (fun fact) idk if im good, but I definitely enjoy doing it
3. If the person that tagged you disappeared, what would you do? (PLEASE IF YOU ANSWER… ELABORATE A LITTLE BIT KIM) ?
OH SHIT!!! Deep question idk, really we dont talk as often as we should anymore for some reason, astrologically Im suppossed to connect and interact with you a lot, but I dont...I guess Im kinda scared of you tbh...friendship is a very scary concept, I always feel like Imma be betrayed, and left, also that people are gonna shout out to the world my most disgusting secrets and all that...(coughs *scorpio dominant much*)
4. What is so good about dogs?
OH NO YOU DID-NT!!!! What isnt good about dogs tbh, haha I guess cat people wouldnt understand cuz you like independence but irl you’re more the caring type you hug people... I guess it goes back to personality, Im a closet gay, so I want to be loved secretely, but I dont go out of my way to hug people...Ive noticed cat people are very in tune with their emotions and arent afraid to express themselves, some arent tho.... haha
I LOVE DOGS cuz they’re so needy of love and cute, and they are absolute loyal animals that would never ever stop loving you unless you train them to hate, they’re the best pets...i love them so much T _T
5. If you had 1 billion dollars, what would you buy?
That’s a lot of money, I think I would invest and create a bussiness with people I know that have good management skills and all that, probably would partner up with Just Kidding Films for that one, also I would try to create an organization specific to give shelter to animals, that would create a lot of jobs, and it would be slash a training center so we can make revenue, and keep maintaining the animals there...I would try to help out africa dude, or create a refugee type of center so people can go there, maybe they could get a job at the dog thing to sustaing their families... MAN if I had that kinda money... T_T
6. Would you like to be a dude? why or why not?
DAMN STRAIGHT!!! I would like to be a dude cuz I like dude fashion, lol...Also secretely cuz I’d want to experience having a dick, how does it feel hahaha idk...only if I can remember I was a girl at some point, if not I wouldnt think much of it, and it would miss the point that would serenade my curiosity
7. favorite tv show and why?
My fave tv show would have to be FRIENDS!!! LOL and Pushing Daisies, damn you fucking ratings for cancelling my favorite show
8. what was the most frustrating moment in your life?
Probably being unable to fix my siblings’s lives, I wish they would’ve listened to me on a lot of advices really, but they didnt :(
9. flower crowns…. yay or nay?
NOPE, haha I would look absolutely ridiculous cuz I’m fat, and Im not specificall attractive, or beautiful to be honest, and I believe you have to have a certain type of look to your face to wear them the way they should, or you have to be really confident man.
Confidence is key for this one
10. If your crush was not compatible with you (like your astrological sign says NO… just no) would you still be with him/her?
HELL YEAH!!! There’s more to astrology than we’re told, and things CAN be worked out between difficult signs, for example Pisces and Libra are said to be one of the worst pairs cuz we’re both lazy or low energy signs, but I believe that having the right mindset, and being developed signs, or also just responsible, self-aware people; would completely trip down any other obstacles.
Basically both partners have to want to be with each other as much no matter what happens, based on stuff i’ve done in the past... I think I would be able to be with someone that isnt compatible with me, if I love them of course
11. Do you love me? :D
Hahaha of course I do huuuney!!
I MUDDA LOVE YOOUUU!!!
1. Do you know annyeonghaseyo?
2. What’s the thing that scares you the most?
3. If you could red-do your life, would you change something, if so, what would it be?
4. Did you know you can buy pieces of moon?
5. You are now queen or king of a nation, what would you do with that power?
6. How important is music in your life?
7. What’s a trait (physical or personality wise) that you like about yourself?
8. What’s your personality type, do you identify with it?
9. Have you been in a relationship, if so what did you learn in it?
10. If you were a writer what stories would you tell?
11. How do you feel about... S E X (hahaha this is tumblr, what a question ahaha)?
I tag: @callistoinnocentdevil @socuteyoongi @floralyoungbloods @onlytaekook @multimessy @popomonster @billiethebean @mygeniuslab @onemilliondoorways @onehundred-fandoms @kuukkeli @ohmy-0613 @yoonmin @fortheloveofsuga @angeconstantino @fictionalsomeone @min-sugabts @lionking2830 @daddys-meme-monster @10jungshook15
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s2g that moss has even been foreshadowing that lars was gonna get briefly killed like…not that specific but since we’re shown that the moss is lars and the flowers have a bit of gem in them…………
ppl are always weird about stuff everywhere smh but like…theres been obviously weird things like being way more ok with ancient beings ready to destroy all life on the planet than lars being too ill-tempered or doing something selfish like…i see that…. like lars doesnt need to be redeemed for anything jeez. every episode where he does something crap its on a minor scale vs like endangering lives or something and he gets k.o’d for it and then makes some sincere form of apology like? theres your redemption…i guess maybe people expect him to become acceptable overnight maybe but thats how people work and then every episode is like The Lesson of the Week instead of a closer look at a character and another step in their development as people figuring themselves out
like literally every character has issues smh! in like this and everything also but like….honestly lars has been a super self conscious and anxious teen from the start and really unhappy and like sometimes he does dumbass shit but who hasnt. if you think youve never hurt people you havent been paying close enough attention
anyways one of the things i really dont like? despite general overall stuff like teenaged lars momentarily losing his patience and realizing he’s in the wrong and immediately trying to make amends = him being judged more harshly than like….every millenia-old actually murderous actual antagonist introduced…. is that overall? its like really really clear really early on that he’s always struggling with a lot of mental health issues, and a common theme is irl people who really do have disorders pointing this out. like, that point can be made for every character in su and lars isnt The Mentally Ill One who alone represents the whole of the universal mental illness experience because obviously that doesnt exist and its a very unique and personal experience, and people dont have to directly relate to lars or any other character with such problems to verify their own. but lars and the cool kids is like super upfront about anxiety and he obv has really low confidence and low self worth and i’ll fight anytime about island adventure hinting strongly at depression—in addition to having him state outright that he feels lonely and isolated all the time. and like, he hates the job he works all the time, he’s not good in school, he and sadie feel an early connection but they obviously had to do a lot of work on that and step on each other’s emotional fingers along the way to finally get to where they are now—which i’m guessing is dating but without acknowledging so or at least not to others, he isn’t very close to his parents currently, he starts the series with 1.5 friends maximum and cant even approach the cool kids besides being desperate to be friends with them
like clearly he’s unhappy and for a while sadie and steven are probably the people closest to him even tho he is a lot more annoyed by steven at the start of things when steven is more little-kiddish than he is now…..but lars still acts mostly like himself around them But at the start him and sadie have too many complications and uncertainties to be really comfortable and again steven doesnt really come across as very mature, with lars pointing it out just now how stevens changed in that way, and it being difficult anyways for lars to confide in anybody
so like lars is and has always been super super defined and restricted by his fear of everybody he encounters, specifically being afraid of being hurt by them / fear of being disliked. i like to say that i think the way he prevents himself / his image is meant to be a way of controlling the reactions he expects people to have: i.e. making people dislike him is less scary/painful than being judged badly while hoping for the opposite. but i also never like saying that anyone who consciously cultivates their Look is faker than someone who doesnt put any thought into it, or is lying to themselves or others or whatever, i just would bet thats a part of it. but moreso than that, the fact that he’s irritable and ill-tempered all the time fits really well as a result of being so unhappy and afraid and trying to deal with it solo. it’s not about him not caring about people, when on an unrelated note but related-to-the-universal-human-experience he does something thoughtless or mean or just generally crosses a line, he notices immediately when someone feels hurt, and he’s shown to immediately feel bad, arguably to a fault and going too far with how guilty he feels. but anyways clearly even though he has the capacity to hurt people’s feelings, he’s very sensitive to that, he cares deeply when it happens, and he doesn’t want to hurt people. like apologizing with any genuine depth to it right off is an incredibly difficult task even for grownass adults, and lars is already really good at it. its wild that people think of him as super cruel and selfish when it’s clear that he’s very emotionally vulnerable and doesn’t have the capacity to callously disregard other people’s hurt feelings
anyways a point i’m taking a really long time to come around to is that lars is a really good example of someone who’s young and unhappy and isolated and really struggling with a lot of things and afraid of everything and the fact is that usually when youre looking for characters who are struggling with this kind of shit you get one-dimensional, maybe even one-episode characters like the person who shows up for the very special episode where everyone has a serious talk and learns a serious lesson and the Depression Character never shows up again, having gone off to be depressed somewhere else since we already know about depressed people. or depression and anxiety is something that can be solved literally overnight if you just confront the root cause, like eliminating the life problem that made x depressed or giving y a makeover or throwing them a surprise party to show them they have friends or something. or you learn that joe the bully is actually just physically violent because he is insecure, whoa man. or the Sad Kid is a running joke and a periphery character and their parents are getting divorced etc etc etc etc
the point is that lars is a main character and even when he learns things about himself that put him in a better place than when the episode began, his issues still don’t vanish (and i wouldnt be surprised if people use that as evidence that his character doesnt “grow”). and dealing with / revealing some of his issues arent a special episode, its just an episode, and its about him. he’s developed over and over and he’s shown to be a complicated person. he’s shown to enjoy things and have interests and a life. he’s a regular character as much as anyone else is, he isnt set aside in a special category
but the thing is that maybe people expect Mentally Ill™ characters to be more of the hamfisted media clichés with zero nuance and about as much accuracy to them? because there’s always the sweet-and-soft kind of person who’s surely dealing with mental illness acceptably because they make up for it by being pure and noble and something approximately like a newborn lamb. like depression is being maybe a bit cagey and avoidant and crying a lot and writing poetry (which will later be revealed as their secret talent!!) and sighing and generally just waiting for someone to approach them, very gently because they are shy and nervous like a fawn, and that savior will cure them with love and also with showing them how beautiful life is!!! and then they will start wearing more colorful clothes and they will be happy and the depression is over now, because someone just had to show their delicate, beautifully wounded soul the light
trauma? you can tell someone has Trauma because they act very stoic and strong 1000% of the time no exceptions but it is just a façade. they will never talk about The Thing. they will finally talk about the thing because someone pries about it with pure intentions and it is a big dramafest and theyve never talked about this before and everyone cries and its super serious and heavy and the person is a bit softer after that because they could finally let it out that one time. thanks, another savior. having disorders is just having turned away from the light
the point is that irl obviously things are very different and its rare to see people with such issues being treated the same as any other character and being able to grow in a realistic way and being able to have flaws the way that everyone else does, not having to be a pure defenseless dewy-eyed baby kitten who someone strong and Normal needs to rescue and put on the right path away from these problems forever. being pissed off and frustrated and confused but trying a lot of different ways to figure things out anyways is a lot more common, the way lars reacts to and deals with his vulnerability is a lot more realistic than just being a fairy-tale in-distress type figure. his character feels a million times more like he was developed by people who understand what its like to be experiencing what he does and developed for people who can relate to him, rather than being made by and for people who cant directly relate and who tend to make content thats wholly inaccurate and treats that kind of thing like an Other issue for Others that you only need to learn bullet points about because if its going to be a part of your life it’ll be a fleeting, one-time thing, not your everyday reality
i mean, its unsurprising that lars is actually pretty comfortable with steven now, given how long theyve known each other, but also how relentless steven is in being supportive of lars and treating him like a friend. its not surprising that it took lars this long to accept that, or that it was in part forced along by being stuck in a “we might die” scenario with steven. and its important to point out that this wasn’t just lars changing that made their relationship better, but steven growing as a person as well. if you put both if them in that situation during the start of the series, they could probably get along better than usual still, but you cant say that this is the first sign of lars developing any more than you can say this is stevens first development. lars has been struggling with himself just as steven has, although not in a fate-of-the-world way till now. lars couldnt be so conscious of his own fear and frustrated with it, and steven wouldnt have the maturity to do stuff like freakin sacrifice himself for earth by separating himself from the other crystal gems, much less lend lars the emotional support needed to give lars enough confidence to protect the off-colors
lars has been developing the whole time and even if people look at individual episodes and think lars learns nothing during them, i cant see how anyone could deny that this isn’t a turning point for lars as much as its the culmination of a gradual path he’s already been on. not to mention that “turning point” has implications like “redemption arc,” as if lars was inherently bad or worthless at the start of the series. he wasn’t; none of the characters were, but each character and all of their relationships were least developed of course. we see details and different sides of the donuts right away, and they both care enough about steven to treat him more as a little brother than a customer and to humor him sometimes. theyve always been important, and the fact that lars has always been a main character in the set of protagonists and that steven has always been a friend means that he cannot be converted by a “redemption” arc. he’s already there smh he’s always been there. seriously name one episode where he’s done something shitty and didnt do anything to make up for it. the only thing unresolved rn is he couldnt fight topaz for sadie, and he said himself he felt guilty over it, and it was already at that point the boldest thing he’d done and like, its not that unreasonable for a wisp of a teen to be terrified by a giant gem warrior that he had zero chance of doing anything to anyways. it wasnt glistening heroics but if thats gonna condemn lars like throw me in the pit too i guess. then he went and died for twelve individuals and left himself defenseless in hostile unfamiliar territory so that steven can go back to earth so thats something. but before all this alien drama like, again…..he’s always directly apologizing for shit and he’s just making everyday kinds of fuckups. he beats himself up about stuff. and gets beat up. and really like doesnt ever require an apology when he’s the one to get hurt, which isnt a requirement by any means and which is probably part of him thinking too badly of himself
the point? that maybe i still havent made besides saying i was gonna make it like half a dozen times?? is that lars is a really real portrayal of a person dealing with things in a real way. and its not the “pain is transcendent” thing where if someone is Suffering from mental illness it makes them wiser and kinder and holier than us regular people. its not where all you need to help someone with mental illness is one incidence of reaching out and telling them you love them and look at the stars and isnt it lovely. its not where disorders themselves are an arc and at the end, people’s personalities will be indistinguishable from that of those who never experienced what they did. its where dealing with this shit is normal and human and everyday and its not beautiful and its not gonna make other people “inspired” or get to feel good about themselves as your savior. its about pushing people away or having them avoid you anyways because they can hurt you in ways they can’t understand as being hurtful and shits confusing and sometimes kids will lash out and i bet lars was a lot more Difficult closer to stevens age than he is now. its about characteristics that seem ugly or repulsive or otherwise don’t directly cry out for help. its about shit staying with you even while you’re trying to figure out how to work through it. its about the unpleasantness of it all but also the real humanity behind it, not just using it as some device. lars’s problems are about lars and belong to him
and yeah of course he hurts people, but literally all the characters do; it has nothing to do with having disorders or not. everyone hurts each other even though they love each other, sometimes with the best intentions or 0% knowingly because they just have to figure out more things about themselves and each other. everything is about people making mistakes. lars is no worse in that matter than any of the other characters, he just happens to have a less appealing/inviting personality, god forbid less relatable. in the recent episodes he didnt have his usual defensive abrasiveness, even his frustration with steven in “stuck together” wasn’t that significant, and wasnt even much directed at steven. after that he was just scared, without it being masked by anger. he could be brave for the other gems because he knew he wanted to be brave and he knew how it felt for them to be so afraid and he was finally told that it was an okay thing that he still felt terrified. he could be completely himself with steven because of all the ways steven has gotten to know lars and refused to stop valuing him and how steven has grown to be someone who could protect others on his own in serious situations—which in this case included supporting lars emotionally as well as protecting him physically. if lars was dropped in that situation with the kid who just learned to summon his shield and was having an ice cream crisis five minutes ago, he couldnt trust or rely on him or count on him for encouraging advice. the way lars is in the wanted arc being so different from earlier episodes is as much about stevens development as lars’s really
like the real lars is and always has been deeply sensitive to peoples feelings (to the point he feels extremely vulnerable to them e.g. afraid of being hurt by being regarded negatively) and he’s always cared about the people he feels close to and he’s always been capable of moments of bravery for the sake of others and he likes wrestling and he’s good at cooking and he’s a dumbass sometimes and he watches scary movies and plays video games and sucks at school and is grumpy and is passionate and is scared and is a huge nerd with nerd parents and he never got over feeling hurt by the explorer club incident and he doesnt like fries and he and his coworker like each other and relate to each other and he sees steven as his annoying little brother and he doesnt know what he wants and also he’s a bi icon, it must be exhausting
lars has always been good and complex and i might be willing to forgive my slight disappointment in people realizing he’s good only now if and only if they go back and acknowledge that he’s been good this whole time. like obviously he doesn’t have to be your Fave or even “liked” to just be not hated or to be recognized as a complex, solid character. lars is so, so developed, probably more than any other human. he’s always been important, even before his importance had direct cosmic significance. he’s always shown signs of being thoughtful and caring and soft, and the fact that he’s hurt people he cares about and who care about him isnt evidence that he’s bad, not only because of the fact that literally all the Good characters hurt each other, but because irl hurting people you love isnt even necessarily evidence of a failure, its just an inevitability, and what happens following the event is whats a lot more telling than the fact any negative emotions were ever a part of a good relationship
anyways what’s definitely true is that lars didnt need to die. it wasnt a necessary atonement for anything lars has ever done. he didnt and doesnt need to be redeemed. he just was willing to risk his life for gems in a situation he could immediately relate to, and that risk happened to win out momentarily. besides, what lars was overcoming in that situation was his own fear, it wasnt anything that caused the stuff in the past that people seem to think so badly of him for. he was also protecting steven, sure, but steven was pretty much fine by the end of it coz of his shield. but he also hadnt ever really Not protected steven or anything so he didnt really need to make up for that or whatever
also one more thing ive always meant to bring up is that lars doesnt think much of himself and is prone to being too hard on himself but i know there are probably plenty of people who believe him when he says he needs to “deserve” being alive again. nah!!!! lars always deserved it
#i havent rambled this long about lars in a minute sorry#as usual i lose track of the point i was saying and everything probably switches gears at some point but im just out here thinking these#essays in the back of my head so#Lars Was Always Good and is a great character#even having disappeared a lot he's been developed a ton#long post ////:
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Anna told me to do the whole thing so here we are I guess
How did you choose your name? IDK I just wanted to still have a name that wasn’t like ~weird~ but still unique
What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria) even tho I got my tiddies removed i still feel kinda weird abt my chest if i’m not wearing a top lol…also a weird one but lipstick
Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? social maybe? it’s just sort of there all the time so
What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric? what i always do when im feelin down - EAT LOTS OF FOOD
What was the first time you suspected you were transgender? uhhh i think the first time i suspected it as a like TANGIBLE THOUGHT was this one time when i was out w/ friends and had to go to the bathroom and i absolutely had an epiphany in the bathroom that i wasn’t a girl hahahahaha
When did you realize you were transgender? idk how this is different from the last one and i dont rly remember when it was that i like officially stopped thinking of myself as a girl
What is your favorite part of being transgender? other trans ppl probably. stay awesome, trans peeps
How would you explain your gender identity to others? mostly genderless, but i fluctuate around
How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed? im out w/ family/friends, who all found out in diff ways i guess? some ppl i just told, i also wrote stuff on tumblr & fb about it
What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been? no experience with either lol
What are your experiences with binding or tucking? binding sucked haha i defo wore my binder way more than i should have and got that Big Back Pain so i eventually mostly stopped and then got my bops chopped off
Do you pass? nahhh (is it even possible to pass as nonbinary??? question for another day)
What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition? got top surgery, idk abt hormones cuz i dont see myself as transmasc and am not interested in looking Very Masculine but i would like to look Less Feminine
How long have you been out? uhhhhhhh year a half maybe???????
What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set? none, tho i wouldnt say i’m particularly ‘settled’ haha
Have you ever experienced transphobia? sure have
What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public? usually the women’s restroom, sometimes mens if it is more convenient
How does your family feel about your trans identity? mixed reviews lol, some of my family is super supportive, some of them are like “why are you doing this” etc
Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth? i mean i guess i’m stealth at work bc i worry abt my job
What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans? i wish that younger me just knew there were options i suppose
Why do you use the pronouns you use? I use they/them bc she/he felt too gendered for me and neopronouns just sound too strange to me personally. I respect and admire anybody that uses neopronouns bc those ppl are paving the way for future generations to have more options that are normalized tho. I just can’t do it myself cuz I have a big fear of standing out which is totally at odds with like everything I wanna be lol
Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender? i dont think so but who fuckin knows
What’s your biggest trans-related fear? NOBODY’S EVER GONNA LOVE ME
What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition? i feel like this has already been covered by previous questions
What do you wish cis people understood? that my gender isnt anybody’s business!! who cares!!
What impact has being trans affected your life? idk honestly. dont know where to even begin trying to measure that
What do you do to validate yourself? well sometimes i like to argue with strangers on the internet
How do you feel about trans representation in media? i love the increasing representation in the media and it makes me very happy to see being trans normalized and validated, but obviously there still just isnt enough good representation
Who is your favorite trans celebrity? angel haze maybe
Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most? hmmm well i think that trans people i know irl are the ones who have given me the most courage. when i see other people come out or change their name or use they/them pronouns or WHATEVER i’m like “wow if they can do it i can too”.
How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online? i wouldnt say im really involved w the community in any way aside from just being present here on tungle dot com
How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years? pretty much the same
What trans issue are you most passionate about? affordable & accessible healthcare!!!
What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them? hey buddy i did it (am doing it?) and so can you
How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality? i feel like skinny white androgynous ppl are the ‘default’ nonbinary ppl which sucks. i esp feel the weight thing bc i feel like it really prevents me from being seen the way i want to be seen. on the class front, i feel fortunate that can afford surgery and whatever else i need
What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression? i feel like my gender expression is super feminine to other people. but to me i feel like my expression is pretty much aligned w/ my identity
Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither? neither
What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it? sexual - idk i think i need somebody to figure it out and tell me. don’t really feel like labeling it right now, but sex is just not big for me. romantic - panromantic cuz i just like everybody. somehow much easier to figure out than my sexual orientation
Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference? no preference tho if theyre cis they better not be a douchebag about it
How did/do you manage waiting to transition? honestly i’m a huge procrastinator LOLLL. as long as i keep telling myself ‘haha yeah it’ll happen eventually’ i’m just like ‘cool so i dont have to do it NOW…’ as long as i have the knowledge that it WILL happen im like..i can wait. If I think abt the possibility that it might not happen I freak the fuck out…for a bit I thought it might not be possible for me to get top surgery (due to medical issues) and I was in panic mode.
What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things? idk i guess i learned a lot on tumbles
Do you interact with other trans people IRL? not super often, i mostly know trans ppl that are just like acquaintances or casual friends. our interaction is limited to liking each others instagram or facebook posts lol
Are you involved in any trans-related activism? nah tho i think it’d be cool
Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer. i refuse to make up my own question
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1-150 ask mem
first of all, fuc k yoou
1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
my mom??
2. Are you outgoing or shy?
outgoing around friends
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
u
4. Are you easy to get along with?
i dont know, ive heard that no one really hates me but like i find it difficult to find someone who i actually enjoy talking to
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
i dont really have any interest in anyone rn so... yes? id take care of myself
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
so far everyone that ive liked is a either a nerd or a pretty shitty person so like ,
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
no
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
in what way?? idk im still thinking of this oe guy he had his pants pulled up pretty high with a tight belt on and a big nose. im not thinking in a romantic way or anything i just... it was a weird combination. . ..his hair was ok i guess
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
uh yeah if its not in the brash or crude humor way
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
you
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
“probably”
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
killer - bastille, yeah i dont have any others that stand out particularly
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
i have curly hair so we just both suffer if they try running their hands through... but if i had a romantic s/o i probably wouldnt mind bein petted
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
yes? i think so
15. What good thing happened this summer?
i hung out with friends a lot.. .i think i dont remember
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
yeah i lovemy mom
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
scary either way.. but the universe is pretty big so i guess
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
not really theyre an asshole mostly
19. Do you like bubble baths?
i havent taken a bath in like 4 years.. but yes
20. Do you like your neighbors?
we do not talk
21. What are you bad habits?
being rude and disrespectful and aggressive
22. Where would you like to travel?
europe.. japan.. idk
23. Do you have trust issues?
no
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
sleeping and eating
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
i really dont know.. its like an all around tie.. .
26. What do you do when you wake up?
brush teeth and wash face, change into outside wear if im going outside, lotion my face and put on mascara, make tea/breakfast
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
overall just smoother.. like a more even tone.. but darker i guess
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
y ou
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
ive dated.. once but i didn’t even like the guy.. i just said yes because it was like. .mmkfkucin 5th grade and then he broke up with me (i didnt care tbh) and then asked me back?? it was weird because he told me he was breaking up because he found.. someone hotter or something and they said if he dumped me they would date him and they didnt.. .it was wild tbh i dont really know why they did this it was like 6th grade. ......... ... .anyways
30. Do you ever want to get married?
theoretically, yes? but idk it seems exhausting and i cant grasp the concept of someone actually liking me for so long
31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?
yes
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
fuck i dont know i dont really think about that buds
33. Spell your name with your chin.
gthhju-asnhhy
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
no unless robotics counts
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
tv
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
yes
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
i just try to do something funny
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
nice, a kind person, likeable, liberal, ,
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
tjmaxx, marshalls, burlington. i go stright to that mf clearance section
40. What do you want to do after high school?
perferably die, but thats unlikely so i wanna go into a good college, make friends, get a decent job
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
my mind says yes but my heart says no
42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?
1) tired 2) mad 3) i cant/dont wanna make conversation 4) im just .. zoned out
43. Do you smile at strangers?
if they smile first
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
im fucking terrified of both
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
i have to go to school or i feel like shit
46. What are you paranoid about?
every time im disrespectful, aggressive, or really any action that i make
47. Have you ever been high?
no
48. Have you ever been drunk?
no
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
sure
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
it was a brownish orange (a coat with a hood)
51. Ever wished you were someone else?
ye
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
give myself a massive sponge dick
53. Favourite makeup brand?
i dont really wear makeup.. i like ChapStick
54. Favourite store?
tjmaxx
55. Favourite blog?
@eggroll-sushi
56. Favourite colour?
orange? either a peachy orange or a borwnish orange. but i can appreciate a good palette
57. Favourite food?
id say pho but i like a lot of foods
58. Last thing you ate?
oreos and milk
59. First thing you ate this morning?
blueberry english muffin with honey butter
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
recently my team won a robotics comp
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
no
62. Been arrested? For what?
jesus no
63. Ever been in love?
no
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
well ... my mo was telling me goonight-- (i havent had one)
65. Are you hungry right now?
yeah
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
my tungle friends are also my irl friends
67. Facebook or Twitter?
twitter (i dont use either)
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
tumblr? i hate it tho
69. Are you watching tv right now?
n o
70. Names of your bestfriends?
you know who
71. Craving something? What?
food.. savory junk food........olives, nachos, ,,
72. What colour are your towels?
white
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
two, but i have 3 on my bed
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
i just keep em on my bed yeah
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
4 on my bed (god bless your soul, okoshi, wherever you are) but like.. 10 total?
75. Favourite animal?
cat but i also like most animals
76. What colour is your underwear?
its currently gray
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
dark chocolate
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
blue moon
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
black with white text
80. What colour pants?
shades of gray
81. Favourite tv show?
su? i dont really watch any others
82. Favourite movie?
the man from uncle movie/ kingsman
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
mean girls?
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
mean girls i guess
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
idk
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
starfish
87. First person you talked to today?
mom
88. Last person you talked to today?
you
89. Name a person you hate?
protein shake (jk)
90. Name a person you love?
my mother
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
maybe
92. In a fight with someone?
im constantly in a fight
93. How many sweatpants do you have?
one
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
many, over 10
95. Last movie you watched?
Logan
96. Favourite actress?
janelle monae always looks stunning
97. Favourite actor?
uhhhhhhhhh dwayne is a friend
98. Do you tan a lot?
yes?
99. Have any pets?
no
100. How are you feeling?
sick
101. Do you type fast?
not really
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
yes
103. Can you spell well?
yeah i guess
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
yeah i suppose
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
i went on a camping enrichment?
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
no?
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
yeah
108. What should you be doing?
studying for histry quiz
109. Is something irritating you right now?
yes
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
no?
111. Do you have trust issues?
im pretty sure this was already asked
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
mom?
113. What was your childhood nickname?
ass (im still a kid, right?)
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
yes
115. Do you play the Wii?
when someone has one
116. Are you listening to music right now?
no
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
yes
118. Do you like Chinese food?
yes
119. Favourite book?
harry potteR?
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
yes
121. Are you mean?
yes
122. Is cheating ever okay?
no
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
no. once i stepped in a massive puddle and got wet like halfway up my calf
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
no
125. Do you believe in true love?
n..yes?
126. Are you currently bored?
yes
127. What makes you happy?
friends, having a good time, making people laugh
128. Would you change your name?
no
129. What your zodiac sign?
scorpio
130. Do you like subway?
yeah
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
we would both suffer
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
you (this is a repeat again)
133. Favourite lyrics right now?
//
134. Can you count to one million?
i could, yes
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
bro idk
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
closed
137. How tall are you?
5′4″?
138. Curly or Straight hair?
i have curly hair
139. Brunette or Blonde?
brunette
140. Summer or Winter?
summer
141. Night or Day?
cant choose
142. Favourite month?
november
143. Are you a vegetarian?
no
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
dark
145. Tea or Coffee?
tea
146. Was today a good day?
eh i guess
147. Mars or Snickers?
mars
148. What’s your favourite quote?
“you’re like shaggy from scooby doo; always alone”
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
yes? im scared of them so
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
“’You will blow your eyes out,’ said Nwoye’s mother...” (Things Fall Apart)
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every odd number!
1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?you better have, we’re kinda dating
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?iunno, whens the last time you said something that made me go “cfghvjb fUCK yOU”?
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?not to my knowledge, but if there is they can go fuck themselves bc idfc
7. What exactly are you wearing right now?vault boy tshirt, gray sweatpants. my regular comfy sleepwear stuff
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?i wear jeans anytime i have to leave the house, but if i dont have to go out in public and hide my wookiee legs i actually prefer shorts to either of those. i also rank chef pants higher than sweats bc they breathe better
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?i am antisocial as fuck, my dude. if i could get away with living in my bedroom and talking to like three people total ever, i so would
13. What about ‘R’?i think this is in reference to ‘have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with ___’, in which case, no. i have never kissed anyone, at least outside the “small child gives/receives cheek kisses from family or other adult considered to be basically family” sense
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?yEs. i give so many shits, all of the fucks, and even a couple hecks
17. When was the last time you cried?i think like a week and a half, two weeks ago it was like 2 am and i was tired n lonely and re-read some of ur letters to me. it was a happy cry dont worry. u make me do that a lot
19. If you could change your eye color, would you?nah i like blue
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.that stupid fuckening dog did not shut up for one damn minute after i let her out at ten last night. she barked for eight hours straight and for six i had a headache, i have slept a grand total of 32 minutes and it is now 7 am. hlep
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?to my knowledge yes. unless “im going back to bed, love and kisses~” is secretly your way of breaking up with me :P
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?you do~
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?it you
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?i think i got it from fye at the mall. either there or gamestop. i dont remember
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?theyre lined up on top of my desk. the only thing hiding them is the handful of non-alcoholic glass bottles i also have collected
33. Do you want your tongue pierced?ehhhhhhhhhhhhh i kinda have a Thing with pain so i have a heavy aversion to getting anything pierced
35. Did you have a dream last night?no bc i couldnt fuckening fall asleep
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?idk my dude. the future is unpredictable
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?idk. maybe if ur still awake theres a chance but if ur not then probs not
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?i would hope so, ive been waking up before dawn every day to tell you i love u and i would hate for all that effort to have been for nothing
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?in those words exactly, not that i can remember
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?yes, but theyre all from early high school and i really ought to go in and take them out but. effort. and i dont even really use facebook anymore
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?yes. all the time
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nah, two years ago i had a job
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?i think this was my dad? so no
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?well when youve been aromantic for over 20 years you dont expect to develop a crush on ur cuteass mutual so
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?all but two people irl think im a conservative straight cis girl
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?see number 13
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?yes
61. How’s your heart?emotionally its doing fine. physically i could probably stand to cut back on sodium a bit
63. Have you ever cried over a guy?no
65. Are your toenails painted pink?no, theyre black
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?i wouldnt know, ive never been a girl and ive never had a boyfriend. but either way that sounds kinda weird, like i mean sure, promote healthy expression of emotions, but “love it when they cry”?? that sounds kinda messed up my dude
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?a lady from my church whose dog im watching for part of this week
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?it youuuu again
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?lol no
75. Did you wake up cranky?a BIT YES. god i hate dogs
77. Are relationships ever worth it?hell yeah, but you gotta be willing and actively choose to put in the time and effort to support one another through all situations, not just the cutesy happy fun times. it can be hard work, especially if one or more involved parties are neurodivergent, but it is completely worth it to have a relationship based in genuine respect and trust and honesty
79. Currently wanting to see anyone?buddy there aint a day that goes by that i dont daydream of what itll be like when we can finally meet irl
81. Last person you cried in front of?if this is strictly about physically being near someone, and discounting headmates, then… i dont actually remember. i try my best not to cry where people can see
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?i feel like you might be at least a lil bit
85. Are you over your past?well my brain is irreparably damaged and i still cry when i remember that i have at least one person who respects my feelings and consent and i generally try to block out all memories of life before college but for the most part yeah im totally over it :)
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?well i would say no but then we did recently have that convo re: “tier 4 kinks” and tbh that was like the last big secret i was holding in so i guess yeah i do
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?i dont remember the last person i kissed, if animals dont count, so im just gonna give a blanket no
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?well i hope so
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?no
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?ye~
97. Who do you have texts from?you, family, best friend, some people from church who have needed me to petsit/house-sit/bake things
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?see #13
101. Ever kissed under fireworks?no
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