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dog-teeth · 2 years

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if it's alright that i ask, how did your dsyphoria manifest? and how did you deal with it? a lot of the time, I'm really confused as to whether or not im experiencing dysphoria, or just blowing basic body discomfort out of proportion, and im curious what it was/is like for you, especially since you're genderfluid.

hi im tipsy so not at my most articulate but dysphoria for me feels

wait hang on putting this under the cut bc Long ish Post

like theres a disconnect between how people see me or how i was born vs how i want to be, generally my dysphoria was rarely ever tied to my body intrinsically as ive heard other trans peoples is (e.g. having trouble showering or having sex, feeling like being born in the wrong body), it was mostly how people percieved me. like i hated my voice pre-T and didnt even rly connect it to dysphoria except for when it made me unable to pass, i just thought i didnt like my voice. and with my breasts, i feel like i would have had significantly less issue with having them on my body if they werent so unequivocally tied to femininity in the eyes of cis society and a dead-giveaway of my agab. but also i always found breasts to be inconvenient, the way they feel when running and jumping and laying down, and generally i just felt like i wanted to be flat-chested, but i didn't hate my chest, i thought it was cute a lot of the time, but the incongruence with how people saw me as a result of them made me personally uncomfortable (i LOVE seeing transmasc people with visible breasts tho i think its so gender and cool and i wish there had been more representation for that earlier in my transition!)

my dysphoria as a genderfluid person comes out when i feel like i can't control how people read me, or (like a lot of other trans people) when people read me as something other than i want them to. especially since my gender changes are largely internal and i rarely ever communicate them with anyone. and i get 'dysphoric' i guess about how its not very acceptable for me to say 'im (kinda) a boy' or 'im (kinda) a girl' and have it be understood that it is not permanent but is still real for me. i feel a lot of external pressure to be perfectly androgynous as a genderqueer person but sometimes i do feel like a girl & that doesnt make my gender or my transition invalid, and sometimes i do feel like a boy but that doesnt make me a man. i use the words very loosely and i think language and communication often falls short of encompassing it. not being able to adequately describe myself is also dysphoric.

when i was younger tho dysphoria often felt like i just felt like a boy/agender but i knew no matter what i did people wouldnt see me like that and my body was Female with a capital F and i didnt want it to be. it felt like being cornered and trapped within other peoples perceptions of me and my own body.

i think theres an overbearing narrative of hating your body as a trans person and wishing it was like the "opposite" gender, but its often more complex than that for both binary and nonbinary trans people. its a weird mix of how you internally want your body to be and how you want other people to see you which is based on your body. idk. like i said im tipsy.

i think its also important to remember that dysphoria and dysmorphia, like all words and especially labels like these, are not solidly-defined or static or universal and to sort your feelings into discreet boxes is almost never possible. all you can really do is think about what might make you happy and what you want and how you feel, in all its multitudes and confusion.

#ez answers #gender stuff

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toucheholland23 · 4 years

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Giggles and Gunshots

Winona(oc)x Gage fic

When sole asked if Winona wanted to go with them and nick to Nuka World she was too curious to say no. She heard about the place and only dreamed she could’ve been there when the park was still up and running, but seeing it now was fairly close.

Gage watched as the trio arrived at the transit center and laughed. A vault dweller, an old synth and some curly haired chick? They wouldn’t last a sec on the gauntlet, but what the hell, he needed to get rid of Coulter.

The detective was smart enough to not buy Harley’s bullshit but they decided to come anyways. He had to admit, they had balls.

They crossed the gauntlet using their abilities to disarm every trap, destroy every turret and kill anyone who threatened their life. Surely a dynamic trio.

The vaultie was the force, the detective the brains and the chick had the agility.

A good team.

When they arrived at the arena, the first one to look down at him and Coulter was the curly haired gal. The overboss catcalled her, making the other two turn their heads and send him a deep glare.

As for him, he thought she was pretty.

She had a fine body, and she was tall, like, REALLY tall. Not that it was a bad thing, on the contrary, he liked big women.

But she seemed like the person who was too nice for her own good, so that made her weak.

He told them that they should use the squirt gun and use their number advantage to place Coulter in a disadvantaged position.

They had a good plan. The curly haired girl distracted Coulter, dodging his attacks skillfully while the detective fired the squirt gun at him, leaving the vault dweller to fire at him with their laser machine gun.

They managed to take him down, proclaiming the vault dweller, as they were the one who took coulter down, the new overboss. Unfortunately one of Coulter’s hit made the chick stumble, making her fall, hitting her head hard against the floor. She was out cold.

As soon as they won the detective rushed to the gal and the vaultie picked her up, since they were stronger.

Gage led them quickly to the market, making their way though the place searching for Mackenzie.

When Winona finally opened her eyes, still feeling a bit disoriented and dizzy, it was a relief to everyone, mostly for the detective.

They spent the day telling her how the things on the park worked, the places Gage showed them and what responsibilities Sole had now that they were the overboss.

Sole considered passing the title to Winona, since she was a clever and ruthless woman. If someone could humanize the raiders, it was her. But she had a lot to loose, she had a child to take care of and having a bullseye on her back wasn’t exactly on her wish list.

Gage’s eyes widened at the mention of her being a mother. She was so young! He totally wouldn’t have expected that. The guy that got her pregged sure was a lucky bastard for getting a woman like that, he was almost jealous.

The trio stayed for almost a week in the park, they managed to take back the galactic zone in just two days and had a successful meeting with the gangs.

The gangs had their favorites of course. The pack absolutely LOVED Winona, mostly Mason witch gave her a suggestive look from time to time

They liked her for her ruthlessness and they surely didn’t want to be given orders by a minuteman or a synth.

Unfortunately, the vaultie had things to attend to in the commonwealth and something about a guy, Eddie something.

Of course Gage could’ve handled the park on his own, after all he’s done it a lot of times as right hand man, but Winona insisted on staying. He was confused. Didn’t she have a kid? Shouldn’t she be taking care of him right now? Fortunately she calmed his toughs, assuring him the kid was in the care of one of her close friends who also happened to be the mayor of goodneighbor.

So that’s how it went, the robot and the vaultie left, leaving Winona as the one in charge with Gage helping her with what he could as her second in command.

Winona always had a little stroll around the market every morning, greeting the raiders, merchants and slaves that she encountered along the way, much to Gage’s disliking. But overall she was a good leader, handled everything well, she always tries to satisfy everyone even if it means to do things she doesn’t really like and all, but made her position clear if anyone disrespected her.

Gage kept finding it weird that she always kept up a cheery demeanor everywhere she went or that she smiled sweetly at everyone and her politeness. He suspected that it was just a shell, that she would probably turn on them and pull up a cynical and horrifying bloodthirst all of a sudden, but he never knew.

Winona decided to keep clearing parks so she thought Safari Adventure was a great place to start, after all, how hard could it be? Gage obviously accompanied her, wouldn’t want the gal to get killed.

When they first arrived at the park they saw this dude fighting a weird kind of deathclaw. Gage wanted to just leave them be and watch how this turned up, but Winona obviously thought otherwise and, well, if boss says so then it’s done.

After they helped the guy kill the creature he started rambling about more of them attacking him and his family. This man talked funny but they made no comment on it.

Okay. What the hell.

So it turned out this guy was raised by gorillas.

That explains a lot.

But whatever, the three of them headed to the place Cito said the things emerged from and of course the found another one of those bitches.

Winona was lucky that Gage grabbed her in time, saving her of the claws of that thing as the other guy took it down.

The girl squirmed and giggled at the man’s touch, she was ticklish. The adorable chuckles of the gal made Gage feel funny on his gut for a sec before he brushed it off and released her.

They went into a weird place with glass panels covering holes on the wall that they later learned were a place where pre- war reptiles, like snakes and iguanas were kept so that the people could see them. Gage made a comment on how he kinda liked the idea of little not-so-mutated deathclaws as pets, witch made Winona giggle.

Passing the reptile’s section they found an old lab that turned out to be where those creatures, that they now learned were called “gatorclaws” were made.

So they shut down the machine and cleared out the rest of the park, going up the treehouse and placing the pack’s flag up the flagpole.

The woman took a minute to appreciate the view of the park from there, It was dawn so the sun going down really made the scenery look even more beautiful. As she looked at the horizon with a calmed look in her eyes, Gage caught himself staring at the beauty before him.

She was truly a work of art herself, better yet with the orange sunlight coating her tan skin and chestnut hair and making her ocean eyes shine in a beautiful way that made his cheeks grow a shade of pink

He was mesmerized by this woman, blinded by her beauty, hypnotized by her laugh, and he hated it. He hated how his face grew hotter and his stomach felt weird because of her. And the worst was that she probably had a husband waiting for her at home with their child.

But then again.

Why had she decided to stay?

He was still confused by that, so he couldn’t stop himself from asking her.

“Isn’t your child and husband waiting for you at home? Why have you decided to stay, boss?”

Her face seemed to darken at the question, looking at the side for a second before turning her head to meet his eyes. “I, um... i only have my son” , she responded with melancholy.

Shit, he fucked up.

Of course, that’s why she left her child with a friend, why she always felt uncomfortable by romantic advances on her. The guy wasn’t there. “Oh, shit sorry i-“

“Don’t bother. He isn’t dead, he abandoned me” ,she interrupted him, her look darkening even more. Perfect, he fucked up even more.

Gage was suddenly infuriated. How could that son of a bitch abandon his woman, pregnant with HIS child! To fend for herself!? The ‘wealth was dangerous and even tough he knew Winona was a tough girl, she was all alone.

He couldn’t imagine the hell she’d been though.

“Oh boss. Im sorry i brought it up, im an idiot” The woman looked at him and smiled sideways, taking ahold of his hand.

“It’s okay, i guess i needed to tell someone eventually...” she sniffled and kept on talking, “after some time, i had the luck of finding my cousin, Laura, and she led me to Goodneighbor.”

“She told me that there i could get proper medical attention and that i could have my baby safely. I was three months pregnant at the time by the way.” She chuckled dryly making the man furrow his brows.

“So there i met Nick and John. They helped me a lot though my pregnancy and while giving birth.” She smiled at the memory of the men she held so close to her heart. “When i first held Alexander in my arms, i knew i had to toughen up, I couldn’t keep crying myself to sleep because of that man. I had to do it for him”.

“But even so, the pain never truly goes away. Everyday he reminds me more of him and i just-“ tears started falling from her eyes like a waterfall. Gage froze, he wasn’t good at comforting people.

Despite his awkwardness and showing his pride aside, he wrapped his arms around her.

Winona was taken aback by the man’s actions, but then she started crying harder, hugging him back as she fell to the floor.

He never let go of her.

He knew what it was like to be betrayed by the ones you thought you could trust, to be backstabbed and then thrown away like garbage. She didn’t deserve that.

She was probably the kindest person he’s ever met and yet there was an asshole out there that just threw her out like if she was a broken ragdoll.

That piece of shit surely earned himself a place in Porter’s list

Still he held her as she cried in his shoulder, holding her as if she were made of glass, that started cracking with her every sob.

After a few minutes, her crying died down and she lifted her head from his shoulder, looking at him with puffy and red eyes.

He couldn’t stop the hand that separated itself from her back and wiped away a stray tear from the corner of her eye, making her giggle wholeheartedly.

The man let a small chuckle leave his mouth before he stared at her again, this time tough, she was staring right back at him.

Subconsciously they both started to get closer and closer before Winona got them out of their transe by yawning.

“You wouldn’t happen to be tired, right boss?” He said with a grin and raising his brow at her.

The woman was about to respond but was again interrupted by her yawning. Gage sighed, as he shook his head in a mocking way.

“There’s a sleeping sack over there, you take a rest and i’ll keep guard” he said graving her hand and leading her there to lay down.

As he was about to leave, Winona grabbed his arm, catching his attention. “Hey Gage?...” she said, tiredness clear on her voice. The man hummed at her in question.

“Thanks...”

And then she fell into the arms of tiredness, falling asleep.

#fallout #fallout 4 #my wriring #fallout 4 oc #winona hamilton #porter gage #nuka world #oc x canon

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housebearshouseparty420 · 7 years

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I never wanted to be a revolutionary, I just want to eat candy and watch cartoons all day.

Around noon I got a phone call from the clinic. A lot of times I get a call, sometimes automated, sometimes a secretary and the exchange lasts about 30 seconds. "Hi, can you come in tomorrow?” “Okay” “Great!" And it's cool.

I was dead a-fuckin'-sleep and answered to 'Kenny?' “Speaking!" I said, not wanting to do the whole awkward 'That's me! This is he?' runaround when you're caught off guard, which I very much was. I have social anxiety, I have to rehearse my menu options before I get to the restaurant, it’s bad. I didn't even have time to fake lower my voice to sound gruffer. I was hoping it would be an easy 'Yes? Okay! I'll be there. Bye.' It wasn't. It was a real talk. Who even talks on the phone anymore right?

It was the national director of the clinic or something, I didn’t really catch the title. Someone very high up, she is the person who runs things. She got an email from the social worker saying things hadn't been perfect, and I thought this might be the case. I had straight-up said I wasn't mad, I didn't think anyone was doing it on purpose. I told the social worker before I left, “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.”

So, she asks about my experience at the clinic and I’m like, 'Uhhh less than ideal? Well... I DO like to be called by my name? I don't care what forms say, a requisition with my old name actually makes a lot of sense, but in casual conversation, this matters a lot. If a William wanted to be called Bill I'd hope they wouldn't have to do a big dance... I'm not MAD I just I've really tried?'

Apparently, they are were already planning on changing computer systems, right now it is very binary: Female/Male but they’re hoping the new system will have more options.

And I didn't say, 'I am male, that's the point!' I said, "That's great. There should be an 'other' or little trans box, because a non-binary person might like to be called 'they' or whatever and it should be there as a courtesy."

I was pretty much on the verge of a panic attack the whole time, I mentioned that we had specifically chosen this place based on their little blurb on the website about working with trans people before.

She said that they had, and that's why this was so unacceptable, since inclusivity was like one of their pillars or mission statement or whatever she said, so it's really important to them that everyone feels safe/respected.

So they've talked to the staff, some of it was as easy as explaining that the computer deadnaming me, some techs with English as their second language needing it spelled out for them and society changing, so I mean I get it. They're all taking it very seriously and I do appreciate it, I told her so.

My wife works 9-5 so she hasn't been able to go to every appointment with me, but she's always really good about gently reinforcing my preferences so, right before the sono the worst of the tests, she says she told the tech: 'Actually, he likes to be called Kenny' and by the time I got back from the washroom they were like 'Okay deadname if you could lie down' And I was like, 'Soooo... I am in hell.'

I told the director that it’s really just that any hospital environment is stressful (A nurse and I had a cool talk about white coat syndrome making people extra nervous) at the best of times without being called 'Ma'am.' I'm already uncomfortable enough just being there without making it worse, or using the emotional energy that I need to get me through the more invasive procedures to start correcting and educating people. Trans people should be taken more seriously. It's just not my job when it's a place that says they've already been through this multiple times with other patients.

Like, it's not just transmasculine people carrying a child, it could be a transmasculine person donating their eggs to a cis female partner, a trans woman going off of estrogen long enough that she can fertilize an egg. (I kinda hate that word, I spent a lot of time on a farm and my mind goes straight to poop.) I’d hate for her to be misgendered in that situation too. And just non-binary people existing. She agreed that in this day and age it shouldn't have to be a big thing.

As a society, we've had over a decade to get used to the idea of fathers carrying. Thomas Beatie started laying the foundation for this in 2007 and I'm sure he was hardly the first, just the first most people had heard of. It made me internalize things really weirdly because my mom was like ‘OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS CRAZY THING ON THE TV!’ He was so so brave to do this, but I had to hear opinions I wasn’t ready to hear and it scared me. I always felt weird about the movie 'Junior' as a kid. Where Arnold Schwarzenegger's character, a cis man is part of a fertility experiment. In health class, the teacher had joked about in the year 2200 there would probably be womb transplants on men, except that no man would want to. Pregnant men were a punchline and it just rubbed me wrong.

I never knew how to make the distinction that I wanted kids but didn't want to be a mother. I wasn't really even out as queer yet. I faced homophobic backlash even when I did deny it, but I knew that much. I'd get so mad when people would talk about my future children, not because I didn't want them, but sometimes I just wondered if I could find anyone and that I literally could not think of a world where I would feel safe enough where I could get married let alone have kids.

I've seen such a difference in the last 15 years, so much has changed for the better, with both laws and people’s attitudes in Canada, but it's still a scary world. I feel sick when I think about trans people in the bible belt. But at 17 I never dreamed that I would be on the phone with a big wig having a real, genuine conversation about how to make things better for gender non-conforming people. (I guess I better actually transition after this if I'm starting shit!)

The only reason I'm containing my anxiety so well is because I knew even half asleep that this was one of the rare times when someone was genuinely trying to help me and actually had the power to make a difference, that if I did speak up I would be making it that much easier for the next (pre-T) guy to come in trying to have a baby so he can just live his life and after the first day could go home like, 'It was fine! They called me he! They got it! Maybe this isn't going to be as bad as I thought!'

#just kenny vents #long post

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qaftsiel · 7 years

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The Night Watch, part 2

Continued from here. As it has been for the last who knows how many rotations, the Takaoka-REST’s soft blue lighting is the first thing that Dean sees when his wakeup routines reach his sensory cortices.

He has a few moments of lead time before he’s expected to be out of the pod and attending to his rounds; this time, he spends them appreciating the fact that he’s dreamed at all.

Ever since the infusion after the crash had finished its job, dreams have been increasingly rare. Whether it’s a factor of age or structure, Dean isn’t sure, but when there’s no way to reverse anything, he doesn’t much care about the whys or wherefores. Instead, he hoards his dreams like gems-- lately, it feels like the only trustworthy proof that he’s still himself. Still human, somewhere in there.

<Reminder: shift change in 00:15,> Gabe pings.

<Acknowledged,> Dean replies, and flails around behind himself until he can grab his power line and tug it free of its jack.

Gabe’s small, vaguely humanoid body is already linked up to its dock; framed by the huge, arched solar arrays held in abeyance for its orbital activity once they arrive, it looks almost angelic.

Dean knows a hell of a lot better than to fall for the angel trap when Gabe’s out of transit. It’d become pretty clear right away that Gabe had booted up with ‘little shit’ set to max plus one, and its pranks had been infamous throughout the Orla Docks long before Dean had ever arrived. That didn’t stop Benny and Dean from referring to Gabe with any and all manner of affectionately insulting, feather-related epithets, of course. The irony had been pretty delicious, especially when rookies had started their first shifts.

Like every other mech, though, Gabe activates a personality shunt at the time of launch, and then it really does resemble the mythical, winged beings of pre-Diaspora religious lore-- it’s quiet, emotionless, and driven solely by its Watch directives.

Even more reason to give it shit, naturally. <Any trouble, birdbrain?>

In lieu of a response, Gabe uploads its records of its activity for the last six months to the communal chat for Dean’s backup analysis.

Right at the top of the list is a passenger and cargo inventory. <Gabe? Isn’t Benny supposed to run the inventories?>

<B3N-N1 encountered an irregularity in mass driver A3 and required substantial shift time to safely and successfully resolve the problem. Cargo inventory was passed to this unit due to the delay and will remain in place for transit duration,> Gabe replies. <The inventory will be signed and verified when the confirming unit has completed a second, independent cargo inventory.>

Dean closes his eyes. He hates inventory. <Is there anything I need to check in particular?>

The communal chat flips to a map of the RK-NGL. A single passenger berth is flagged; the tag next to the flag indicates that the berth, reserved by one Professor James Novak, doesn’t appear to contain a passenger.

Dean frowns. <Was he missing on the other inventories?>

Gabe flashes its records of previous inventories-- all of them show James Novak’s berth as empty.

It had to happen eventually-- there are empty berths and passenger weirdnesses on every transit, and this one had seemed a little too peachy to be true. Of course it’s a goddamn academic, too; Dean’s seen more absentee academics on transits than nearly any other demographic. He doesn’t doubt that the poor bastard is probably sitting somewhere on Orla B and staring down at a missed-transit fee. Starlines don’t appreciate empty berths. <I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. Just another missed transit.>

<The inventory will be signed and verified when the confirming unit has completed a second, independent cargo inventory,> says Gabe.

Dean turns himself using a wall-mounted handle and pushes off for the goway hatch. <Acknowledged,> he grumbles, and may or may not slam the hatch behind himself. “It’s fucking ridiculous, Sammy,” he growls out almost half a shift later, shortly after reconnecting to the ship’s intranet and submitting his completed inventory. “I mean, what’s the point? It’s a transit. Either you make it where you’re going or you become one with the interstellar medium, and you know who doesn’t give a shit about money or dividends or any a’ that shit? Fucking dust clouds on transit lanes. That’s who.” Sammy’s berth blinks serenely.

“No, I won’t calm down. Two months and twenty-four days of my shift’ve been wasted because of two hundred and fifty first-class asshats, and I’ve still got everything else on my list that needs doing,” Dean grumps. He pats Sammy’s berth gently, then twists so he’s perched against the gangway that runs between the rows of creches. “I mean… I’ll get over it, dude, but seriously. You gotta admit it’s pretty dumb.”

As ever, Sammy’s berth blinks.

Reassured by the steady, reliable marker of his brother’s long sleep, Dean pushes off from the gangway. “Yeah, yeah. Catch you on the next shift, bitch.”

***

All of the displays are tuned to the same, seemingly unchanging image-- an unremarkable reddish star, centered in a field of hundreds of other stars. The only indicator that anything is in fact changing is an HUD showing three sets of numbers, two of which have been falling slowly but steadily over the past two weeks.

He staggers out of the warmup lounge, still shaking the dregs of berth-sleep from uncooperative limbs, and almost runs headlong into someone just standing there in the corridor. “Dude. What the hell?”

Dean’s first impression is of wide blue eyes. His second is of a gravelly voice rasping out, “Where is this place?”

The man-- scruffy dark hair, tan coat, messed up tie-- looks about as dazed as Dean feels, and a whole lot more lost. Given where he’s standing and that fresh-out-the-berth stare, Dean can only surmise that the poor bastard’s an S-RAE and takes pity. “That’s a long story, but if you wanna grab a drink, I can try to explain.”

The explanation might not stick-- Stasis-Related Adverse Events are nasty shit, especially if the loss of memory or cognitive function is too severe-- but at the very least, he can give the guy some human companionship.

Soon they’re at a table overlooking the starboard observation deck. The guy wraps his hands around a steaming mug of coffee and stares at the swirls of cream like they’re some kind of science experiment. “And this necessitated a departure?” he rumbles, glancing up from his drink to give Dean a questioning look. “Surely this conflict could not encompass so large a system.”

Dean shrugs. “The politics back then had been fucked up for the better part of two centuries by the time war was declared officially-- my brother Sammy always said it started way back in the early 21st century, and I trust him to know. Anyway, by the time the Tharsis Atrocity happened, there were partisan settlements from both sides around Neptune, the farthest planet from Sol.”

A soft klaxon sounds over the ship’s intercom; Dean braces himself and S-RAE Guy as the ship judders through another deceleration adjustment. The moment passes without incident, and soon conversations throughout the deck’s numerous restaurants and shops resume.

“You seem to know a great deal about the matter,” S-RAE Guy rumbles. “Answer me this: if the whole system was caught up in this war for hundreds of years, then how was this craft constructed and crewed? Was this ‘First Starliner’ a partisan vehicle?”

Dean chuckles and shakes his head. “It’s all sixth-form history at this point. That and my brother’s a huge nerd; I’ve taken him to more museums and seminars than you can believe.” He sips at his own drink. “But nah, no one on the First Starliner was partisan. Thing with arguments is there’s always someone stuck in the middle, and The First Starliner was a ‘stuck in the middle’ thing-- it was a nomad project. Settlements belonged to partisans back then, so if you wanted to stay neutral, you went nomadic and lived your whole life on ships and in hidden enclaves. The Sol System is pretty huge, so there was a lot of room for those kindsa groups to roam and hide-- I think there were something like two hundred different communities involved on the Starliner alone, and they weren’t even a tenth of all the groups actually out there. They all knew how to keep moving and keep quiet and make the most of the shit they had, though, and this was what came of it.”

S-RAE Guy turns his gaze to the observation deck displays and seems to think on that for a while. “Does the war continue?”

“Lasted about three hundred and fifty years; ended a little over fourteen hundred years ago.”

That earns Dean a slow, blue-eyed blink. “That is a great deal of time for humans, and yet you speak as if the event is very recent.”

Dean gives a crooked little smile and stares down at his coffee. “For humans, it is a lotta time, but for me? It’s… kinda complicated. See, the First Starliner wasn’t the first ship to get to Proxima, even though it left almost a hundred and forty years before the War’s end. About ten years after the War ended, physicists and engineers with Chevrolet and Ako Si Kalayaan-- that’s AkoSi for short-- made the big breakthrough that enabled high-γ transit. Three starliners with the new Chevy-AkoSi drivers left the Sol System and made it to Proxima in about eighty years-- forty-five years ahead of the First Starliner.

“So the war was over for the people on Proxima, but for everyone on the First Starliner, it was still raw. They’d all seen shit that only a handful on Proxima’d ever had to witness and they’d lived with being hunted because they’d been the only openly neutral people left, so their arrival fundamentally changed the way the War was viewed. A lot of us grew up with First parents, First neighbors, First teachers, and memorials in every city-- some folks called Proxima a history world, and they weren’t wrong.” He laughs, a little sadly. “My Dad was a First. The berths in his block of the ship wouldn’t thaw, and it wasn’t til like two hundred and sixty years after Arrival that they finally got them warmed up. It… wasn’t easy for him, but I think Mom, Sammy, and I made it better in a lot of ways.”

Dean can almost hear S-RAE Guy crunching the numbers. “But if that was…”

“Yeah,” he interjects, not ungently. “Yeah. It’s, uh. Been a long time.”

They sit in awkward, somber silence for a long time.

The ship shudders through another deceleration.

“So here I am spilling my guts, and I haven’t even introduced myself,” Dean says, feeling a little bad for making things so weird for some poor sap with a scrambled head. “I’m Dean Winchester. You?”

S-RAE Guy’s full lips tip up into a smile. “Castiel.”

“Cas,” Dean says, because what the fuck kind of name is ‘Castiel’ even? “Good to met you, buddy.”

Cas’s tilted smile turns into a genuine, fond sort of thing.

“Hello, Dean.”

Continued here.

#my writing #Supernatural #fanfiction #science fiction AU #destiel #slow burn

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samdukewieland · 4 years

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Stuck Inside Media Diary Week 8

Something that’s been nice about going back through Mad Men has been re-reading/re-visiting old Sepinwall recaps on the episodes. I read him religiously throughout high school and college, amongst others, but have since drifted from the recap on shows, for no good reason. Probably because there’s generally a podcast I can just listen to rather than read something (jock at heart-sorry ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). This supposed to be a lesson in “go back and experience stuff from your high school years?” man, I don’t know; the venn diagram of things I did in high school and the things I do now is not small (or is it not big? What’s the best way to convey a lot of similarities with a venn diagram, size-wise).

Sunday, May 10 (Mother’s Day)

The Third Man, Reed 1949

I was not super digging this while I was watching, it was late when I started watching it and it’s not slow exactly, but I was real curious how egg-zacktly Orson Wells was going to fit into the picture. Mysteries! I tells ya. Anyway, I’ve been stewing in it and realized, “huh, I think I actually like this movie quite a bit.” I think the Britishness, while not in your face, was secretly chipping away at my brain, already war-torn by tiredhead and then having a second wave of dry, British storytelling. Pretty good li’l picture (you could say that about movies in the 40′s-this isn’t uncommon).

Top Chef, Season 17 episode 4

This was done in an attempt to help my mom catch back up with Top Chef, which somewhat moved the needle, but I don’t think an episode (on her end) has been watched since. Mother’s Day: ruined.

Mad Men, “Tea Leaves”

My mom also watched this one with me, only because she just happened to be in the room. Her biggest hurdle with this show and her refusal to watch it is based solely on the fact that phones are ringing “all the time” and that “no one ever answers them.” Hard to refute it. She seemed mildly entertained by this episode, considering she had close to zero context for what was going on, thought that it was Ginsburg’s debut episode played some part into that. Pretty disorienting episode to be thrown into, what with the whole....Fat Betty thing (I was going to say “elephant in the room of Betty” but that just seemed cruel and trying too hard to try and be clever. An interesting, though ultimately aimless direction to take Betty this season and everyone involved kind of knows it.

The Last Dance, Parts 7 & 8

That this was the penultimate week of new Jordan doc created an unusual energy around the episodes, which were exciting in their own right as they went over his father’s murder, his baseball career and returning to basketball. But the thing that induced the most goosebumps was the “cliffhanger” (I am a moron) showdown between the Bulls and Pacers.

Monday, May 11

Icarus, Fogel 2017 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

Kinda nice going into a documentary knowing hints of what it’s about and trying to figure out when it transitions to being about “X” but then you slowly realize you misremembered that information your friend Tommy told you and are surprised that it becomes about the Russian state (very possible I am misusing that term; just trying to sound smarter than I actually am). I don’t watch or know enough about documentaries to confidently state what’s a good one and what’s a great one-I think this one received some kind of critical backlash after it won Best Documentary, which happens. There’s definitely an intellectual superiority to saying you think less of a documentary that either wins that award or a lot of people like (in this case, both!). It’s engaging and accessible (another thing snobs hate) and has a misdirect that doesn’t blind side you; I don’t even care about the Olympics, but I felt sucked in.

Monty Python: Almost The Truth (Lawyers Cut), “The Much Funnier Second Episode - The Parrot Sketch - Flying Circus Included”

This one had more focus on the influence Flying Circus had on writers/comedians who were watching it at the time as kids (primarily). Lotta dudes. I can not stress how there are few things less appealing than hearing Russell Brand describing why Monty Python was funny (this was very much made in 2009).

Mad Men, “Mystery Date”

Some more Sopranos karaoke, though constructed a little bit better this time. This is also the episode that decides to flesh out Dawn (Don’s secretary, a joke that is never not funny) a little bit more, however Mad Men only does this when there’s “something to be said” about being black, which didn’t look great in 2012 and *flips through pages of notes* nope, still doesn’t look good here either. I suppose an argument you could bring up that is awfully flimsy is that they didn’t want to paint themselves into a Nikki and Paulo situation, in terms of never actually caring about digging deeper into Dawn’s story. I dunno man, I’m not trying to cast stones here.

Tuesday, May 12

The Taking Of Pelham One, Two, Three, Sargent 1974

What a white whale this movie’s been for me and brother, it feels good to have finally caught it. It’s insanely cool to go into a movie not knowing that it’s the 1974 version of Inside Man with a little bit of Dog Day Afternoon spliced in (pre-DDA mind you). This movie is packed with so many sarcastic assholes all working together in the same place, I loved it! I loved this movie! Cataloged in my brain as a Stop-Down-And-Watch if it’s on cable. However, my biggest gripe here is that Walter Matthau’s character is named “Zach,” a name that has never once been mistook for Walter Matthau’s; like there’s no way that they had Matthau casted before they came up with his name.

Mad Men, “Signal 30″

Beginning of the end of having any remote kind of sympathy for Pete Campbell. Hitting on high schoolers and shit. He wants so badly to be what he considers to be the best version of himself and will never be there.

Parks And Recreation, “The Set-Up”

Don’t know what it was about this particular viewing, but it landed better than it ever has this time around. Usually when I watch it, Arnett is so distracting and a much different energy than the show has created, but I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard watching this one as I did on this Tuesday morning.

Wednesday, May 13

California Split, Altman 1974 [as of now this is available on Prime]

Hell yeh. Another movie I’ve been trying to see for a couple of years now, but feels nearly impossible to come across or find (note: to be fair, I have never checked to rent digitally, because I just don’t do that really ever, feels weird I don’t know why) and I found out on Tuesday night that it was put on Amazon Prime almost unceremoniously. I am by no means a gambler, so I have no idea if this is a good gambling movie, but it’s an incredible relationship and addiction movie. My introduction to Elliott Gould was Ocean’s Eleven where he is the opposite and still the same as the characters he played in the 70′s. The man has a debilitating incapacity to be effortlessly cool, even in a movie that he co-stars in with George Segal. I loved this movie.

Mad Men, “Far Away Places”, “At The Codfish Bowl”, “Lady Lazurus”

A great highlight of Don realizing he’s made a huge mistake marrying a 26-year-old. A great highlight of Roger Sterling is great with kids (and their grandmothers!). A great highlight of “Tomorrow Never Knows” fucking rules and uh, maybe wondering if Alexis Bledel is good? (certainly Rory Gilmore is good and it might’ve just been a “choice” to play this character so wooden, especially with what we know comes later on in the season)

Thursday, May 14

Cape Fear, Scorsese 1991

Apparently Spielberg was supposed to do this originally, but thought it was too violent and threw it over to Marty to get Schindler’s back from him (imagine trading those properties amongst yer friends-incredible). What’s real strange here is that he did’t give this to De Palma (I guess because it would’ve been in the wake of Bonfire), but it doesn’t really matter because Marty just goes and makes his version of a De Palma movie. It’s weird! However, when I wasn’t thinking about all of those things and being amazed at how much overt gore there was (overt for a Scorsese movie), I was shocked at the music I associate most with Sidewhow Bob (hold for Gilbert & Sullivan) is actually Max Cady’s music; like I knew that it was just Cape Fear but I had no idea it was just Cape Fear.

Mad Men, “Dark Shadows”

Can’t go a season without a Don is actually Dick Whitman story/episode. That’s about it.

Friday, May 15

Becoming Mike Nichols, McGarth 2016 [as of now this is available on HBO]

This saved me a lot of time in the long run, should I ever read that new(ish) biography on Mike Nichols. It’s a pretty cut and dry interview focused purely on the prologue of Mike Nichols’s career, that’s a lot more interesting if you’re a theatre kid who doesn’t despise theatre kids (you know the type). Honestly, I was most engaged once Jack O’Brien pivoted towards his directing career outside of the theatre. Also gonna expose my ass here and say I didn’t realize Elaine May was that Elaine May-might’ve been a better interview if it was between two people who’re on equal level rather than a guy trying to kiss Mike Nichols’s and a bunch of theatre kids’ asses.

Mad Men, “Christmas Waltz”

This episode only exists to help punctuate how awful the next episode is, but damn if it’s not weirdly great. The Paul/Harry reunion was such a weird reunion, but only because it reminds you of how much time has passed since the beginning of this show (1960) to when it takes place now (1966); the total shift in aesthetic and thinking is massive, but it never feels shoehorned in.

Top Chef, Season 17 episode 9

Colicchio is pretty adamant about not having past challenges affect the decision of the current week’s choice in terms of sending someone home, but Melissa probably should’ve gone home this week if that were the case. They obviously weren’t going to after kicking Kevin off last week and Malarkey making the least offensive dish of the bottom 3. Melissa’s a front runner, same as Kevin was and you can’t have a competition where Malarkey is on but two frontrunners are kicked off back-to-back weeks (even if it was Kevin falling on his sword). Love Lee Anne, been with her since season 1 and hate to see her go, but she’s bigger than Top Chef-this is a loss that doesn’t make me think less of her.

Saturday, May 16

Notes On An American Film Director At Work, Mekas 2008 [as of now this is available on Vimeo]

I don’t know what to call this, honestly. It’s a videos of Martin Scorsese directing The Departed and it’s kind of fascinating. There are no sit down interviews, but snippets of conversations that you’re just thrown into the middle of. It could be that I just love him so much, but it was reaffirming to see that he (appears to be) is like a genuinely nice person. I don’t read about behind the scenes/making of’s, but I don’t really think he’s got any kind of reputation for being some kind of tyrant on set and this proves it (if he needs that proof for any kind of reason). It is one of those things though where watching actors, uh, act feels kina silly-apologies to Leo DiCaprio.

Mad Men, “The Other Woman”, “Commissions And Fees”, “The Phantom” [season 5 finale], “The Doorway” [season 6 premier], “Collaborators”

An incredibly harrowing stretch of episodes for Mad Men, maybe the best set-up for a finale the show has. The awfulness of the position they thrust Joan into and that Don is the only clear objector to this, be it that he only cares enough about the company is heartbreaking. Christina Hendricks wears so much disappointment and contempt on her face so well and that what happens is sandwiched between those interactions with Don is incredible. And awful. As is Lane’s suicide in the office (I still remember watching this episode for the first time when it aired and it’s as depressing now all these years later as it was back then; Lane and Bodie are probably my top-2 most upsetting television deaths that come to mind). Though it all seems worth it, despite how depressing it might be, for that scene between Peggy and Don where she resigns, an incredible parallel to Megan’s. I’m glad it wasn’t, but if they wanted to series wrap on Peggy there, they could’ve and it would’ve felt so incredibly earned, which you can see through both of those characters trying their hardest to choke down tears through a conversation smothered in so much understood in the unsaid. Now welcome, Bob Benson! (for the life of me, I can’t figure out if they introduce Bob like this intentionally, because it’s so fucking funny in how out of synch it is with everything else going on in the show)

Apocalypse Now, Coppola 1979 [as of now this is available on HBO]

It was either during my sophomore or junior year of high school when I became absolutely enamored with trying to watch this movie. I had built it up to such great heights in my head for whatever reason (I was very concerned with appearing knowledgeable about things like “important movies” and that this didn’t win best picture whatever year it was nominated fueled that fire even more ((I was also very concerned with being outraged over something like this)). I vaguely remember squeezing it in on a school night, but didn’t try and sneak it upstairs to my room to watch, like I tried to get this almost 3½ hour movie in under a reasonable bed time for a high schooler (I definitely didn’t have one, but I remember getting kind of dirty looks around the house if I was still hanging out past 10:30). So it was basically self-inflicted homework at that point, so I remember saying that I liked it, but I don’t know if I honestly believed it. And then that just gets all shaken up in your dumb high school brain that’s already trying it’s best to be super contrarian that you start believing that Apocalypse Now maybe sucks or at the very least isn’t as good as Hearts Of Darkness (a movie you won’t see for another 8 years). I had not watched this movie in its entirety since high school, and I knew all the big beats going into re-watching this, but it might as well have been that I had never seen it before. Man. I was a dumb as hell high schooler. This movie is electric and looks beautiful and I’m so glad that I never watched it all before this and decided to revisit it and I’m now furious at myself for letting the opportunity pass to not see it in theatres when it was remastered last year.

The Adventures Of Tintin, Spielberg 2011 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

I was reading the oral history of Fury Road earlier that day and it got me really jonsing to watch Fury Road. For my mental health’s sake, I decided to not double feature Apocalypse Now and Fury Road, but rather Apocalypse Now and The Adventures Of Tintin. People of a certain generation really hate this movie and I kind of get it, but this movie rules. There’s maybe two sequences in it that I’d feel unashamed for putting up in the Spielberg Hall Of Fame.

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galxpals · 7 years

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08/04/17 - Fortune

I was about 6/10 lit

pre-drank at my house with Iggy and Dina, with Anna Miks coming later on

only took the transit with Iggy since Dina and Anna were part of the group to surprise Kajol with a limo for her special day

met up with everyone inside Fortune...but both Dina AND Kajol were fucked as hell..........keep in mind y’all.....it was only 10:30pm so...yeah ya yep Yeah...YEAH.

all of us went outside to smoke/pre-drink some more and the entire gang gang was there. Let's see if I can remember everyone:

Ikjot, Dina, Anna, Kajol, Sangerth, Ammar, Parker, Sadid, Kian, Nadia, Chris, Alysha, Tyus, EJ, Salice and Kajol’s coworkers who were all so fricken sweet (or drunk who knows)

of course Anna Cruz had to be there since it was also her cousin’s 20th...and she brings Alyzza as a plus one cause who else does she have? I’m just sayin’ 🤷🏽‍♀️

RIHANNA RIDDIMS ALL NIGHT THOOOOOO

ended up seeing Celine and Emily there too!! aww friends!!

also Joshua was there but I swerved at every sight at him because TITIYL.

though it was my first time meeting Salice in person, that girl is honestly hands down already one of the sweetest people I've met.

we could've totally triple teamed with Iggy to beat Anna’s ass if we wanted to okay. 💢

Salice claimed that Anna tried to run her over like twice, I held myself back to backhand her.

Alyzza said hi to Ikjot and I twice, with both times Anna coming in and grabbing her away....like we get it bitch, you’re insecure as fuck. Relax, Shrek. 🙄✋🏼

next thing I know Dina disappears for like 2 hours, and I get told that she’s at Mcdonalds with Ammar puking her brains out....grrreeeaaaatt

when Iggy and I step outside we see Anna Miks with a guy saying she’s been with him all night??? wtf??

ended up getting super annoyed/upset because Anna made me go with her to the bathroom, to walk out, to go back in because she couldn’t find her wallet, to going back out, to going BACK in because she wanted to throw up....honestly what. the. fuck.

I came here to have fun not to babysit someone older than me?? huuuh???

after Dunc and Montavi came, Iggy and I danced our hearts out alone near the front and OF COURSE we get surrounded by guys LMAO

ended up dancing with a guy named Adrian who knew CJ, Abel, Tony and is best friends with Lesley...oh man 🙃

he’s in the LPN program at VCC

he was sweet, but a bit of an aggressive dancer lmao

slobbery kisser too (sorrynotsorry)

left the club at 2am with everyone

found out that:

Sangerth and Kajol basically made out the entire night

Chris made out with both Alysha and Nadia

Tyus made out with Salice and kissed Dina

Adrian texted me and followed me on IG and as bad as it is, I’m gonna end up ghosting him (genuinelysorrythistime)

....yeah...oh man.

HAPPY 20TH KAJOL! 😊

- m.d.

- OH MAN OH MAN WHERE DOES A GIRL EVEN START - First off, the night started off with me and May like usual...b/c HELLUR we are the best out there. We can handle our liquor, but still be fucked IDK it werks. - SOOO then Dina shows up pretty late and we all start chugging down alcohol because why not. - Finally, Anna Miks joins us hella late and then Dina and her both dip because they were in the surprise, NOT REALLY a surprise for Kajol. - May and I transit down, stop at A&W this time and made sure we were good to dance our hearts because ... IT WAS RIHANNA TUNES ALL NIGHT! - I thought this night was off to a pretty awesome start! - Well, this is until we find out that Anna Cruz was gonna be there...LIKE WHY? YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE YOUR COUSIN. -Like bruh, there was already enough shi to deal with considering all the people that were going that night. - Firstly, we all got into the alley and pre-drank and smoked (I stayed away from #proud) - Then finally we got inside to see Kajol SHIT FUCKING FACED -Like kill me.... she was a mess, like a baby you needed to keep watch of all the time. I mean, it worked well because Sangerth was the parent. Literally, are y'all broken up or what?! if yes, PLEASE STOP MAKING OUT EVERYWHERE. THX. - ANNA MOTHA FUCKING CRUZ - GIRL = you drama since day one - GIRL = you voice hurts my ears - GIRL = why do you think we're friends - GIRL = stop fucking around with my group because we got 3 against one - GIRL= Tyus is over you hunty - GIRL =you say you don't care anymore... BUT YOUR IMMATURE. - Sorry guys, rant over. - Anyways, on top of that Dina disappeared. I kept on messaging her but I would get back fucked up replies... -SO K WHATEVR BYE -Anna Miks is always lost so I wasn't too concerned. -Duncan and Montavi finally show up after all the boyz harassing me.

* RANDOM NOTE: but Emily Nguyen was also there..it was awk...she hugged me. Nice girl though? WEIRD AF. *

- Maybelle said she was okay with this guy for now, so I was glad. I kinda left them alone...only to find out he was a slobbery kisser ... LMFAO KILL ME NOW

- KAJOL ...HAPPY BIRTHDAY! BUT DON'T COME NEAR ME WHEN YOUR DRUNK :) THX.

-i.b.

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