Omg

He called me princess and good girl yesterday.. and he said I was cute .. ahhh!!! <33333

He also said he wouldn’t mind if I was affectionate to him 👀👀👉🏼👈🏼🥺

If, hypothetically speaking, I wanted to sneak into your house and wait to “surprise” you, would you be upset or excited?

I'd be super excited! I love surprises. But if you sneak in bring me a new squish mallow pretty please 💕💕

When I was little I used to throw mini pastel coloured marshmallows in the air and catch them in my mouth hehe 💕 thank you for the hot coco! I'm mentally sending you a cup at just the right temperature rn

Screaaams!! Those are always so fun to do! i used to do it with caramel popcorn often 😂 and the small swiss choco mallows that came in the box.

and tysm for the choco too!! I’m making one as we speak so I’ll also pretend it came from you ☺️💗

I wish he could give me attention.. I know he’s busy.. but I wish he thought of me sometimes and said good morning..

He does just enough ( which is barely anything.. just occasionally giving me attention and feeding into my antics) to keep me stringed along..

I know he doesn’t care about me nor does he even bother to even give me the time of day to at least reply 12 hours later like a simple “ sorry I got busy”

I feel like I’m just a bother to him

It’s always like that

With every guy I fall for

They do the bare minimum and below and I just eat it up because I create a fake version of them in my head .. and I somehow wish and hope that one day that becomes real..

Once again I’m disappointed and it’s not even their fault because I’m the one who got excited and decided “yes they want me”

How delusional can I be tbh?? How much can I take?? I know there’s more to life than romance .. but it is something I really want. I wonder why.. like why can’t I just be content with my friendship.. why do I want more

Honestly I wish I was a different person .. like one who didn’t care about romance

SIKE IM BACK BAYBEEEEEE !!

Back to my shinanigains!!!

S and I are talking again!!! We started talking like a few weeks after our fall out because my dumbass doesn’t know how to go no contact and messaged him a few days after my birthday. He didn’t apologize. I did and he said that we wanted to continue talking ..

Exciting part first! We ended up meeting up !! And he slept over (´･ω･`)!!! We went to a show and he spent the night. I originally was going to have him sleep on the floor but then I said fuck it , want to share my twin sized bed lmao . He said yes and we cuddled

>\\\> like idkkkkk it was really cold that night and he was super warm and it was nice. like he just wrapped his arm around my waist and cuddled me. we didnt do anything else or kiss or anything because im assuming he was tired. we didnt get home from the concert till like 2am and by the time we got in bed it was like 3am . i didnt make any moves on him. he didnt try to kiss me .. honestly i should have asked for a goodnight kiss AT LEAST. idk i was so shy to even think of that .. the next day I woke up before him and just was like 🧍🏽‍♀️ because I didn’t want to wake him up >.> when he did wake up we just chilled in my room .. We chatted a bit here and there but idk we didn’t really have any deep conversations. He was mostly on his phone , we did cuddle some more and I eventually made myself some coffee and asked him if he wanted any he said no. He later asked if I could make him a coffee and I said only if he said please .. and gave me a kiss. Which he did and we made out for a bit after that>.> then I made him his coffee. He eventually had to get going . He left and idk I just got so anxious. Thinking back maybe it’s because I felt like maybe I’d never see him again or I just wanted him to say more or idk . I spiraled and apologized profusely about if I make him uncomfortable and how I’m awkward. He didn’t reply until like 8pm saying that I’m ok and that I’m just overthinking things. And that I’m fine. Idk .. before he left I asked how he felt about me and he kinda avoided the question and idk he said that he wants to continue talking .. and then I asked him “ well do you like me?” And he replied “obviously “ but idk if he understood what I meant when I said liked?? Idk .. fast forward in February I asked him to be my valentine and he said yes. He started clinical about 2 weeks before so I know we wouldn’t be able to do anything together but I just asked .. bc yknow I want him to be mine. Idk on Valentine’s Day I called him to tell him happy Valentine’s Day real quick since he had been working.. and then last week he said he missed me 😵‍💫😵‍💫 idk I just said I missed him too bc idk how to respond to that.. like we haven’t really talked much since he started his clinicals for class.. I mean yea I’m sad we don’t talk much but I understand and give him space because I respect him. I do text him good morning and good night even if he doesn’t always respond to them.. idk

We talked on the phone today for a little and he was saying how he got braces and ofc I’m like “pics or it didn’t happen” and he’s like “ I’ll show you in person . I’ll pull up” and I’m like nah you won’t” and he said he would during his week break in 4 weeks and idk I don’t believe him but I really hope he does come over.. idk I’m touch starved ..

While we were talking today I realized I get really nervous and I blank out and realize idk what to say most of the time🧍🏽‍♀️ like I’m nervous I’ll say something wrong and scare him away or come off too intense .. idk I know how was tired today so I knew we were not going to be on the phone for long but I wish we could talk a bit longer.. maybe I’m asking for too much..

Things have ended with S … I said something nasty because I was anxious and I guess I attacked him … he got real mad and when I blocked him on Insta because I was scared and didn’t want to have him around .. he got mad.. like I know he’s gaslighting me .. but still I want him …

So basicly i asked him last Monday how he felt about me because it’s pretty obvious I have feelings for him.

He never replied.

I didn’t message him and he didn’t reply for 4 days .. I was starting to get antsy .. so I bit the bullet and said something on Saturday,. It was not nice.. I said “ your communication skills for a 30 year old man are poor. All you had to say was you didn’t like me that way. “ and honestly . I was so outta pocket for that. I should of asked if everything was ok.. he replied a little while after that

Like .. at this point I blocked him on Insta and deleted his contact. I originally did not reply and he got angrier saying “ talk about communication you blocked me on Insta ,” and he goes on to say something along the lines of “ I don’t understand why you would go into someone’s life and act like everything is cool and then do this , but okay good bye.” And honestly I was so heated I replied “ I know I shouldn’t say anything ..but I’m not a mind reader. if you wanted space I would’ve given you space.but you’re right this isn’t about me it’s about you.” And he never replied.

Valid

We were both pretty angry

I was heated . And eventually once that adrenaline wore off. I had realized what I had done.. I was pretty upset.

On one hand yes I’m angry because he never communicated that he wanted space and that he was going through something. I feel hurt that he left me on read for a message that took me so much courage to send.. and the fact that he doesn’t see how that hurt me and how it relates to my lash out makes me feel even worse. Like damn he really doesn’t care about me …

On the other I feel terrible because he is going through something I don’t know. And I wish I honestly said “ hey is everything ok? “ instead of attacking him to get his attention. Idk if he would’ve replied but still maybe I should’ve waited. But in the past it feels like he would not of ever messaged me again until I message him.. so idk.. I wish I could comfort him tho and be able to be there for him.

I did apologize for my behavior that night like an hour later. I mentioned how I felt hurt and that he didn’t deserve my attitude.

I still felt so bad that I apologized even more the next day, how embarrassing. ,

I sent him a long message saying sorry and how I wish I could be there for him and I want to be able to comfort him even tho I’m the last person he would want that from… And how I am so embarrassed about my behavior and idk how to fix it.

I hope he replies when he feel better but I don’t think he will.. I should of asked him to get back to me if he wants to talk again/ wants to make up? ..

Like damn.. even with what felt like him gaslighting me and his actions telling me otherwise.. I still want him.. and that’s embarrassing

I un blocked him on Insta but didn’t follow him. I have my acct public just in case he ever wants to message me there… but I highly doubt it..

I just want him back….. I want things to work out and idk if I should keep fighting or not…

I say I love like a dog. And it’s true I do, even after I bite someone who hurt me I still want to follow and kiss the person who hurt me.. and still be loyal to them.. idk .. I wish all this pain would go away a

I see my mom and how she wants companionship.. even after her boyfriend broke up with her.

She is still friends with him and still hopes for more.

I tell her she deserves better.

But as I tell her that I see myself chasing a man who doesn’t want me as well.

I guess I Can blame it on my mother

On why I want men who don’t want me

And even then I give them a chance .

And it won’t change

Damn things with S might be ending soon.. idk like idk how he feels about me and honestly we flirt and stuff but I don’t think he actually wants me / wants to make time for me and I understand. I’m coming terms with the idea that he might not want me like that and I get it he’s busy and all. I honestly don’t mind waiting, but I just want to know how he feels about me. He’s not calling me princess as much anymore which sucks because I still call him prince and darling. I’m starting to stop telling him good morning and good night because he doesn’t even say it back. Like it’s not that I’m losing interest it’s just that his actions make it seem like he doesn’t want me to do these things even tho he says he doesn’t mind. I just want to know what he wants . And as much as I like him it’s getting annoying that he’s doddgy with the question. And as much as he says it doesn’t make him uncomfortable it doesn’t mean he wants me , as much as I’d like some effort from him I can’t force him. I want to understand what I am to him. Am I your friend, Situationship? A toy for you to flirt with and get attention from to boost your ego??? Like just tell me. I’m not asking him to be my boyfriend (as much as I’d like that) I just want to know where we stand . So that I can proceed with caution because I ultimately don’t want to get hurt . Do I need to slowdown? Just tell me! I’m getting frustrated and I guess some of this is my fault because I’m the one pursuing him and I let my imagination go wild. But the way he communicates for a 30 year old man is embarrassing because he’s just so dodgy and won’t give be upfront with me.

I’ve been very obvious that I really like him ,have a crush on him and have interest in him. And that I’m willing to wait for him and I’ve been patient with him. But sometimes I feel like this is going nowhere and that he doesn’t like that I’m being annoying.

I know this sounds pathetic but I don’t mind being a toy for him because I like the attention. But I want to know if I should emotionally detach myself or not. Idk

A lot has happened recently in which I’m slowing down with being a thot and sleeping around with people .. but that’s for a different post

But I just Detach myself emotionally when I hook up with strangers. So I could do it with him .

Like in the end I’ll let him hit it and quit it I guess that’s the goal for most people??

I just want to kiss him so badly and hold his hand and tell him he’s so handsome and sit on his lap… I also want him told hold my hand and give me kisses and make me feel wanted >\\>

I can’t tell how he feels about me??

Like he’s so inconsistent with talking to me:( like I understand he’s busy but a little “ good night 💕” ir good morning would be nice.. he hasn’t called me my pet name recently .. or sent hearts :( like I give him the benefit of the doubt so much but idk I need him to tell me what he wants.. and I’m honestly in this for the long haul so I’ll be patient with him and understanding.. idk I’m really trying my best to show him I’m interested.. but he doesn’t really show that he reciprocates :(

Idk what to do .. he gives such mixed signals .. but I know I need to be patient and not be crazy about him.. (even tho I am lol) but for now I’ll just show him that I’m affectionate.. and yknow that i want him. I mean Im ngl Im still hoeing around because I know he’s not my bf and I’m still single so I can do what I want in the mean time.. like keep my options open..

Omg

This is my blog and I can do what I want

So therefore.. I will gush about how delusional I am about him, ,, this is about S

Case 1 : .. I always show him my fits bc I dress cute yknow and I want him to see lol and he usually says they’re cute .. uhh actually he said it maybe once the other time I ask he just says yes..

Case 2: HE CALLED ME PRINCESS ONCE..

Idk if it was sarcastic or not .. uh he never replied

Case3 : I’m delusional

Case 4: idk I send him memes all the time and he likes it on Insta

Whatever this is …. Like what’s over 👀🤔 we were together? 👀💕💕??

Conclusion: I am super delusional.. Idk why I even like him or want his attention bc he doesn’t give me anything, he makes me anxious .. I’m such an emotional masochist.. like idk why I do this to myself I guess I love a good heartbreak.. it’s been awhile that I’ve had one , like my last heart break was eva .. and idk I’m over it now but I guess I just need to feel something?? I guess I enjoy the pain of having my feelings hurt and the attention well the crumbs I am provided like the bar is on the floor .. like I get so excited when he replies and when he acknowledges me.. and I just eat it up.. like I am getting absolutely nothing from him and yet I want him so badly?? I guess Ive romanticized him so much that I’m having a hard time telling the truth .. it’s like a rush when he does give me attention tho . He definitely feeds into the delusional with the things he says and idk if he knows that he’s feeding into it

I’m just so obsessed with him??? Idk what I want ..

I am yearning n shit tho

Anyways I send him memes and some of them have hints that I like him/want him.

This is literally the folder of memes I collect to send him every day.. like idk what should I do?

Excuse me for a second while I froth at the mouth. I want S so bad idk what it is I know he doesn’t want me he is so vague and never gives me his full attention and he doesn’t really reply and never wants to talk on the phone or hang out like.. just tell me you don’t like me already and tell me to fuck off.. pleaseeeeeee so I can get over you and stuff I want to tell him so badly that I want him even tho I barely know him and even though I know he won’t put in the effort for me.. but I also want to tell him so that I can also tell him I need him to reject me so that I can move on yknow??? Like he doesn’t owe me that but I need it so that I can snap out of this delusion I’ve created because I’m getting tired of it .. and I know I can’t stay away ? But he can and I don’t reserve myself when it comes to pestering him. Idk I would just really like some answers ..