I know who and how you are but sometimes it still stings being pushed away

you didn't say goodbye and part of me believes that means you are coming back

Jesus Christ .. S makes me feel sick.. he did visit me .. after I begged him to.. because he said he had other plans .. I told him I wasn’t going to beg but I did. Sigh.. how did I get myself into this mess.. first off I feel like he wasn’t even going to visit me it was more like he just wanted a place to stay after going to a concert in my area.. I had offered to go with him even tho the music wasn’t my thing. .. but alas I bought my ticket and went .. he came over to my place for a little before the show.. .. he was tired so he took a nap in my lap and I was just play with his hair. When he first saw me he didn’t give me a kiss or anything.. before we left my place to go to the show I was about to give him a kiss because I asked for one and he said yes and right before he changed his mind because I had lipstick on and he didn’t want to get it on him.. when we drove over there we just talked about random things .. and whatnot .. when we were walking to the venue.. he had told me he hopes he doesn’t see his ex gf there since she likes that kind of music and in my head I started getting the ick… he began to tell me how he has a restraining order against her and another girl.. and I’m like mhmmm… I wonder why , he explained how this girl was so obsessed with him and would stalk him and when he rejected her because he had a gf she went and told his gf a that he had cheated and was emotionally abusive.

At the show he didn’t let me hold his hand and when I was anxious he didn’t let me hold his hand .

Fast forward we go get food after the show he buys me something even tho I said I wasn’t really hungry .

We get home and he showers and gets ready for bed and I do too it pretty late and when I get out of the shower and he’s on his phone and he’s laying down and I start cuddling him and he’s like “ should we turn off the light?” And I’m like no I want to stay up a bit and he said he wanted to sleep .. so we cuddled and all.. it’s was mostly me cuddling him . .. and he fell asleep ..

He woke up at 5:30 am and he said he had to go because he got called into work, and I said if he could stay for 10 min and he said no.. I laid down and told him “ do you even like me? Because you just act like you don’t like you didn’t even hold my hand yesterday or try anything” and he said he was just tired (he didn’t even apologize) and I was laying down and he hugged me and said he will be back. And while he pulled away he said to text him when I wake up and I said” you’re not going to give me a kiss bye?” And then he kissed me and told me not to think too much about it. I walked him to the door and gave him a kiss on the cheek and he kissed my cheek I think ( I was on the brink of tears and sleepy) … he had left and I just went to bed and cried .. I did send him a long ass message about how I felt and he never replied.

I think he is not going to reply , I really wan to say something so petty .. “like maybe those girls were onto something saying you were emotionally abusive and I guess I dodged a built” and I KNOW he’s going to say something like “ I don’t owe you anything” which if I’m being honest I think he does after me being so nice and patient with him. And I know those girls made him traumatized but . I want to be so vindictive to get a reaction out of him. .. just to get his attention but idk .. I’m tired and he just stresses me out

not to be too forward but where do you want our honeymoon to be?

SIKE IM BACK BAYBEEEEEE !!

Back to my shinanigains!!!

S and I are talking again!!! We started talking like a few weeks after our fall out because my dumbass doesn’t know how to go no contact and messaged him a few days after my birthday. He didn’t apologize. I did and he said that we wanted to continue talking ..

Exciting part first! We ended up meeting up !! And he slept over (´･ω･`)!!! We went to a show and he spent the night. I originally was going to have him sleep on the floor but then I said fuck it , want to share my twin sized bed lmao . He said yes and we cuddled

>\\\> like idkkkkk it was really cold that night and he was super warm and it was nice. like he just wrapped his arm around my waist and cuddled me. we didnt do anything else or kiss or anything because im assuming he was tired. we didnt get home from the concert till like 2am and by the time we got in bed it was like 3am . i didnt make any moves on him. he didnt try to kiss me .. honestly i should have asked for a goodnight kiss AT LEAST. idk i was so shy to even think of that .. the next day I woke up before him and just was like 🧍🏽‍♀️ because I didn’t want to wake him up >.> when he did wake up we just chilled in my room .. We chatted a bit here and there but idk we didn’t really have any deep conversations. He was mostly on his phone , we did cuddle some more and I eventually made myself some coffee and asked him if he wanted any he said no. He later asked if I could make him a coffee and I said only if he said please .. and gave me a kiss. Which he did and we made out for a bit after that>.> then I made him his coffee. He eventually had to get going . He left and idk I just got so anxious. Thinking back maybe it’s because I felt like maybe I’d never see him again or I just wanted him to say more or idk . I spiraled and apologized profusely about if I make him uncomfortable and how I’m awkward. He didn’t reply until like 8pm saying that I’m ok and that I’m just overthinking things. And that I’m fine. Idk .. before he left I asked how he felt about me and he kinda avoided the question and idk he said that he wants to continue talking .. and then I asked him “ well do you like me?” And he replied “obviously “ but idk if he understood what I meant when I said liked?? Idk .. fast forward in February I asked him to be my valentine and he said yes. He started clinical about 2 weeks before so I know we wouldn’t be able to do anything together but I just asked .. bc yknow I want him to be mine. Idk on Valentine’s Day I called him to tell him happy Valentine’s Day real quick since he had been working.. and then last week he said he missed me 😵‍💫😵‍💫 idk I just said I missed him too bc idk how to respond to that.. like we haven’t really talked much since he started his clinicals for class.. I mean yea I’m sad we don’t talk much but I understand and give him space because I respect him. I do text him good morning and good night even if he doesn’t always respond to them.. idk

We talked on the phone today for a little and he was saying how he got braces and ofc I’m like “pics or it didn’t happen” and he’s like “ I’ll show you in person . I’ll pull up” and I’m like nah you won’t” and he said he would during his week break in 4 weeks and idk I don’t believe him but I really hope he does come over.. idk I’m touch starved ..

While we were talking today I realized I get really nervous and I blank out and realize idk what to say most of the time🧍🏽‍♀️ like I’m nervous I’ll say something wrong and scare him away or come off too intense .. idk I know how was tired today so I knew we were not going to be on the phone for long but I wish we could talk a bit longer.. maybe I’m asking for too much..

why do we even bother playing games? what if i dont want to act cold towards you in hopes of you noticing me? can i just be obvious with my feelings? im so tired of games.

I want to be in love with someone. I want to visit museums and gardens with them. I want to read poetry to them and listen to jazz with them. I want to go to farmers markets with them and hold their hand while we pick out vegetables. I want to be in love with someone.

i just really want to be, like, fawned over.

hold me. hug me. kiss me. tell me im pretty. play with my hair. give me so much attention. please make me feel so special.

Things have ended with S … I said something nasty because I was anxious and I guess I attacked him … he got real mad and when I blocked him on Insta because I was scared and didn’t want to have him around .. he got mad.. like I know he’s gaslighting me .. but still I want him …

So basicly i asked him last Monday how he felt about me because it’s pretty obvious I have feelings for him.

He never replied.

I didn’t message him and he didn’t reply for 4 days .. I was starting to get antsy .. so I bit the bullet and said something on Saturday,. It was not nice.. I said “ your communication skills for a 30 year old man are poor. All you had to say was you didn’t like me that way. “ and honestly . I was so outta pocket for that. I should of asked if everything was ok.. he replied a little while after that

Like .. at this point I blocked him on Insta and deleted his contact. I originally did not reply and he got angrier saying “ talk about communication you blocked me on Insta ,” and he goes on to say something along the lines of “ I don’t understand why you would go into someone’s life and act like everything is cool and then do this , but okay good bye.” And honestly I was so heated I replied “ I know I shouldn’t say anything ..but I’m not a mind reader. if you wanted space I would’ve given you space.but you’re right this isn’t about me it’s about you.” And he never replied.

Valid

We were both pretty angry

I was heated . And eventually once that adrenaline wore off. I had realized what I had done.. I was pretty upset.

On one hand yes I’m angry because he never communicated that he wanted space and that he was going through something. I feel hurt that he left me on read for a message that took me so much courage to send.. and the fact that he doesn’t see how that hurt me and how it relates to my lash out makes me feel even worse. Like damn he really doesn’t care about me …

On the other I feel terrible because he is going through something I don’t know. And I wish I honestly said “ hey is everything ok? “ instead of attacking him to get his attention. Idk if he would’ve replied but still maybe I should’ve waited. But in the past it feels like he would not of ever messaged me again until I message him.. so idk.. I wish I could comfort him tho and be able to be there for him.

I did apologize for my behavior that night like an hour later. I mentioned how I felt hurt and that he didn’t deserve my attitude.

I still felt so bad that I apologized even more the next day, how embarrassing. ,

I sent him a long message saying sorry and how I wish I could be there for him and I want to be able to comfort him even tho I’m the last person he would want that from… And how I am so embarrassed about my behavior and idk how to fix it.

I hope he replies when he feel better but I don’t think he will.. I should of asked him to get back to me if he wants to talk again/ wants to make up? ..

Like damn.. even with what felt like him gaslighting me and his actions telling me otherwise.. I still want him.. and that’s embarrassing

I un blocked him on Insta but didn’t follow him. I have my acct public just in case he ever wants to message me there… but I highly doubt it..

I just want him back….. I want things to work out and idk if I should keep fighting or not…

I say I love like a dog. And it’s true I do, even after I bite someone who hurt me I still want to follow and kiss the person who hurt me.. and still be loyal to them.. idk .. I wish all this pain would go away a

It feels like you do this to watch me fall apart

But even then I don’t think you care enough to do that

And knowing that hurts

I see my mom and how she wants companionship.. even after her boyfriend broke up with her.

She is still friends with him and still hopes for more.

I tell her she deserves better.

But as I tell her that I see myself chasing a man who doesn’t want me as well.

I guess I Can blame it on my mother

On why I want men who don’t want me

And even then I give them a chance .

And it won’t change

{Saiber, 1/30} {Spirit Hold, Holly Warburton} {War Of The Foxes, Richard Siken} {Hishaam Siddiqi, “Where did you go?”} {Joseph Lorusso} {unknown} {Edward Miller} {Sylvia Plath, 1963, The Unabridged Journals Of Sylvia Plath} {Dream of Earth, Igor (Krapar) Scherbakov}

solitude

going insane over the prospect of casual intimacy. like taking a bath together and sitting in between their legs while they wash your hair, press soft kisses to your cheek, neck and shoulders. just leaning your head back into the crook of their neck and relaxing as they hold you and trace lines across your skin.