I hate Lucifer (the show) with a burning passion.

“A Devil’s Love” Chapter 2: Show Me All I Don’t Know

Description: Chloe’s best friend is back, and Lucifer’s charm can’t seem to affect her either. Is she also a miracle child? Or something…more? [Story starts during S2 Ep4, Female Reader Insert]

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AN: Updated March 14, 2020 - Grammar AN: Updated July 14, 2020 - Grammar/Minor changes

Rating: Teen Warning[s]: Swearing

Show Timeline: Season 2 Episode 9

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Tag List: @ayanna-wild​, @anushay1998, @emiwrites3reads​, @i-am-canada-13​, @heart-of-pots-and-pans​, @tinyybiceps, @jessicarene99​, @lucifersnipnips​, @givemebooksorgivemedeath​, @sailor-earth-1

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To say your first couple months back home was a walk in the park would be a big fat lie.

Nothing bad really happened. Well, except when your BFF got in that bad car accident and you swore up and down it had something to do with you, but she pushes you away and says she's fine and can't stand you and Lucifer taking the blame.

Why would Lucifer be taking the blame, you thought. So, you ask him. Like any sane person would do who was overprotective of their friends. If you ended up being wrong about this guy being “good” and “nice”, you had to get him away from Chloe.

But no. He's not bad. Just crazy. What with continuing with his “Devil” shtick and claiming it was one of his “Angel” brothers trying to take what his father, aka “God”, gave him in exchange for a favor.

And you thought you were crazy before, but it wasn't true for you, so why would it be true for him?

Oh, and after that whole fiasco poor Chloe finds out that her real father’s killer has been free all this time. No reprimanding, no worries. Just a cop killer who got to continue his life freely. Turns out the killer was Warden Perry Smith, and he was responsible for many set up kills. You remember the failure you felt when Smith managed to destroy his scent from your hounds. The bastard didn’t get far, though. Maze managed to easily capture him, and from then on became the LAPD’s number one bounty hunter.

But, with all that bad came a lot of good. Not easily, of course. It's hard work trying to find a suitable building in the perfect location for your next veterinarian hospital. You, with the help of your trusty sidekick Alice, managed to find just that though.

Next, while you sorted out the building paperwork and searched for a good construction company, you had to find a place to live. That, thankfully, went much quicker than finding the next “Circle of Life Veterinary Clinic” building.

Chloe kept trying to convince you to move in with her instead of Maze, but you politely declined. You didn't want to be the one who made that badass fighter homeless. Besides, you like having your own space.

And to top all that off, you got your old job back as the Captain of the K9 division of the LAPD. You missed training your dogs & officers, plus having that paycheck, the paycheck from the “COL VC” in New York, and the future paycheck of the next “COL VC” building allowed you to not stress financially.

Currently, you are standing in “COL VC #2” watching the progress come along. You smile as you see how well, and fast, things are going. If this keeps up, you'll be able to open up within the month.

Which means you and Alice need to start hiring people.

You sigh to yourself and rub your forehead, closing your eyes. First things first, you had to find some way to properly thank Lucifer for giving you the name of this construction company.

“They are a fantastic company! Did very fine work in my club. Why not come see for yourself tonight?” Lucifer looked at you like he looked at Alice the first day.

“Not a chance.” You smiled at him and crossed your arms, building up a barrier.

“Oooh, playing hard to get are we?” He licked his lips and looked you up and down, “I like it!”

“Ok. This was obviously a bad idea.” You huffed and started to leave Chloe’s desk.

“Wait, K9!” You stopped and turned back towards him, “I’m sorry, truly.” he looked sincere and placed his right hand over his heart, “Here.” He grabbed the yellow sticky notes and a pen from Chloe’s desk and began to write.

“Just tell the owner that you’re with me.” He handed you the note and smiled, “He'll give you a large discount, I'm sure.”

You looked down at the note and couldn't help the thought of how beautiful Lucifer’s handwriting was, “Thank you, Lucifer.” You looked up at him and smiled, a genuine one this time.

“You’re quite welcome, my dear.” He gave you a genuine smile back, then turned flirtatious again, “Though I would like you to come to my club, so you can see what those constructors are really capable of. It’s so sad their talents will be wasted on an animal clinic.”

“Uh-huh.” You shook your head, still smiling, and walked away.

Your phone’s ringtone knocks you back to the present. The call says it’s Chloe, but when you answer it-

“SOME DADDY KILLER BOY IS GOING TO MAKE ME HOMELESS!” Lucifer’s voice blares through your phone so loud that the workers around turn towards you and you swear your ear is bleeding.

“Sooo, you think the perfect way to stop this ‘Daddy Killer Boy’ is to make me go deaf? Well, you’re doing very well so far.” You bring your phone to your none deaf ear and rub the now deaf one.

“The Detective won’t help me-” you can hear Chloe yelling at him in the background saying to give back her phone. You hear a bit of a scuffle, and can imagine Chloe shaking her head as she gets her phone.

“Sorry about that, Earth. Calling you is the only way I can think of to help Lucifer.” You can tell Chloe is saying that last part to him directly, and can just imagine his eye roll.

“What’s going on?”

“Our new case victim is Dean Cooper.”

“That LA real-estate tycoon guy?”

“Yup. It looks like he died having dinner with his possible killer. The killer looks to have shattered a champagne glass and stuck a shard in Dean's throat.”

“Ouch.”

“Ella’s still at the crime scene trying to piece the glass back together in order to get fingerprints.”

“Oh, Ella.” You smile and shake your head, “What a good little scientist.”

“Agreed, if a bit crazy.” Chloe holds in a laugh, “Well, Mr. Cooper was the one who owned the block that Lucifer’s nightclub is on and it seems like Mr. Eric Cooper, Dean's son, is pretty quick in reclaiming his father’s properties.”

“I see…So I’m guessing he’s suspect numero uno?”

“Yes, but this is why I’m calling you,” Chloe gives an audible stressful sigh, “I just...I can’t seem to keep my mind on this case with the court on Perry Smith right around the corner. Plus, with my mom flying in tonight and Dan being busy with a bomb case-”

“You don’t need to say anymore, Chlo. I’ll take care of this. Just send me the address to the crime scene and I’ll take over.”

“Thank you, Earth.” You can just hear the weight lift off your BFF’s shoulder, “I’ll text you the details right now. I owe you one.”

“This is what friends do for each other, Chloe. You should know that by now.” Before you hang up you can hear Lucifer in the background, “Hurry along, K9! Every minute I get closer to homelessness!”

“Proper thank you, here I come.”

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As you pull up to the crime scene you see the medics carrying away a body bag, aka Dean Cooper. So there will be no need to worry about seeing a dead man, but there is an angry British man heading straight towards you.

“Finally! Does my homelessness mean nothing to you?” Lucifer says, but despite being upset he still opens your car door and helps you out.

“Lucifer you’re, like, a zillionaire or whatever.” You nod your thanks and you both head inside the dead man's house, “I highly doubt you’d let yourself be ‘homeless’ for more than an hour, at most.”

“But this is LUX, K9.” You try to ignore Lucifer’s desperation and come up beside Ella, who was just about to complete the champagne glass puzzle.

“Annnd, that’s how we do it!” Ella manages to place the last piece perfectly, stands up and shoves her fist in front of your face, “Ta’vonlu!”

“A puzzle solver and a Trekkie?” You laugh and smile, “Ella, I’m liking you more and more each day.”

“Woohoo! Fellow Trekkie!” Ella’s hand goes from a fist to the Vulcan greeting and you return it. Lucifer’s eye roll is incredibly loud.

Ella gets back to work on scanning the glass for fingerprints and in the meantime, an officer hands you a folder of all info found about Dean Cooper. As you skim through the words you become disappointed, and impressed. It was amazing that a shark like Cooper had no record whatsoever.

“So, can we go to this baby shark now to arrest him and get my home back?” Lucifer stands in front of you, hands intertwined together in front of him.

“We don’t have any proof with which to arrest Eric.” You look at him as you hand the folder back to the officer.

“He has motive. That's all the proof you need!”

“Actually, you may have more than that!” Ella calls out and you go to her. She points to her laptop screen where it clearly states that Eric Cooper’s fingerprints were on the glass that killed his father.

“There you go! Come on chop chop!” Lucifer pushes you by the small of your back out the door and to your car, “We’ve got a baby shark to arrest!”

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You barley park and shut off the engine before Lucifer is out and heading towards the Cooper building, “Lucifer wait!”

“You know, you drive just as slow as the Detective?” Lucifer stops and waits for you to catch up.

“If by slow you mean ‘following traffic laws’ then yeah.” Lucifer just scoffs, “Look, Lucifer.” he looks at you with a bit of interest, he’s never heard you sound serious before.

“I understand how you’re feeling right now, I do,” you lightly touch his arm, “but Chloe has told me how you get sometimes and let me tell you: threatening to tear this guy up or torture him is not going to help you get LUX back, or this case.”

“Very well.” He returns his hand to your lower back and guides you, “I solemnly promise that the man will remain unthreatened and unharmed.”

The sound of a crash and a car alarm blaring causes you both to stop and turn around.

Eric Cooper lays on top of some poor civilian’s car. His body bleeding from almost every pore.

“Not me.” Lucifer holds up his hands in fake surrender.

“Well, shit.”

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You did miss solving cases. Really, you did.

But this one was turning into a real sack of ass.

Eric Cooper was hospitalized for a full twenty-four hours before the hospital allowed his wife, Christi Cooper, to take him home.

A whole twenty-four hours closer to Lucifer's homelessness, and he would not shut up about it.

You and Lucifer arrive at the Cooper house to question Eric and Christi, but all you two got was another real estate shark’s name, Eleanor Bloom. Plus an extra case of nausea for both of you at the sappy love between Eric and Christi.

Eleanor, it turns out, was a real shark. Making sure Eric wasted no time in selling her that property that his father had been sitting on. That property in question was LUX, and even with Lucifer’s charm she was not giving up that land.

Which pissed Lucifer enough to abandon you with this case. Chloe offered to help, but with her father’s killer’s court so close there was no way you were going to burden her even more. You already swore you would solve this case for her, and you meant it.

You follow up on Eleanor's lead, alone, about some shady numbers found in her accountant's books that looked like someone was hiding money. Turns out that money went to some private investigator Dean had hired to investigate someone, but the man wouldn't tell you who. You had a hunch though.

Your hunch had to be put on hold though as one of your officers comes up to you. He says they got a call about an illegal party happening at a building that was supposed to be abandoned by now.

Of course he would.

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You stand before the “supposed to be abandoned” LUX nightclub with an entourage of your officers, and just sigh.

Here we go.

You have your men walk in first with you close behind, and you can hear the music cut off and people booing as soon as they see your men.

“Awww!” You hear Lucifer’s voice clearly over the crowd, “Stormtroopers have arrived, everyone! Don’t worry I’ll deal with the boys in blue.” Lucifer walks towards the officers, “You are the boys in blue, yes? The fun boys in blue aren’t due for another hour.” He chuckles and shows a wad of cash in front of your main guy, Officer Miller.

Miller just gives Lucifer a side smile and looks to his side. Lucifer follows his eye movement and his smile disappears as you walk up.

“K9?”

“I know him, Miller. I got it from here.” You ignore Lucifer and look to your officer.

“You’re sure ma’am?”

“Oh yeah.” Now you look at Lucifer as you pat Miller on the shoulder, “He’s harmless.” You don’t speak again until all the officers have left, “I got to say Lucifer, I’m disappointed.”

You think your eyes might be deceiving you, but Lucifer Morningstar actually looks ashamed. You don't know why, but you actually can’t stand to see him like that.

“I mean,” you throw your hands up and turn around a full 360, “this is the first time I come to your club and you’ve got no music playing, and no one dancing around with no worries?”

You smile at him, cross your arms and raise a brow, “Tisk tisk. I may have to leave a one-star review afterall.”

“Oh ho ho!” Lucifer's light returns in him, “Well, I can’t have that now can I?” He’s smiling ear to ear now, “TURN IT UP!”

The crowd cheers as the music comes back full blast. Everyone resumes their dancing, drinking, laughing, and you can’t help but laugh right along with them.

“K9!” You turn to Lucifer who gives you that beautiful smile, “I didn't know you had it in you!”

“There’s a lot you don't know about me, Lucifer.” You smile back at him.

“Evidently! Come on,” Lucifer grabs your arm and pulls you to the dance floor.

“Oh no, I really shou-”

“Come on, K9!” Lucifer laughs and drags you to the dance floor, “Show me all I don't know!”

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“Oh, now that’s interesting.” Linda watches you and Lucifer dance away together.

“What is?” Mrs. Charlotte Richards, well actually the body of Charlotte Richards that now belongs to the Goddess of all Creation [aka God’s ex-wife and Lucifer’s mother], looks down at the tiny doctor.

“Oh, nothing much.” Linda looks at her and gives a small smile before turning her attention back on you two, “I just thought of something I have to ask a patient of mine about.”

As Linda drinks her martini the Goddess follows her eye line sight and stares at you dancing with her son. Her eye twitches.

“My son was right about you, Doctor.” The Goddess smiles wickedly, “You are incredibly insightful.”

A Devil’s Love - Chapter 2

AN: This chapter is during Season 2 Episode 9!

Warnings: Swearing

Chapter 1: All Bad Things, I Promise

AO3

Fanfiction Net

Chapter 2: All I Don't Know

To say your first couple months back home was a walk in the park would be a big fat lie.

Nothing bad really happened. Well, except when your BFF got in that bad car accident and you swore up and down it had something to do with you, but she pushes you away and says she's fine and can't stand you and Lucifer taking the blame.

Why would Lucifer be taking the blame, you thought. So, you ask him. Like any sane person would do who was overprotective of their friends. If you ended up being wrong about this guy being “good” and “nice”, you had to get him away from Chloe.

But no. He's not bad. Just crazy. What with continuing with his “Devil” shtick and claiming it was one of his “Angel” brothers trying to take what his father, aka “God”, gave him in exchange for a favor.

And you thought you were crazy before, but it wasn't true for you, so why would it be true for him?

Oh, and after that whole fiasco poor Chloe finds out that her real father’s killer has been free all this time. No reprimanding, no worries. Just a cop killer who got to continue his life freely. Turned out the killer was Warden Perry Smith, and he was responsible for many set up kills. You remember the failure you felt when Smith managed to destroy his scent from your hounds. The bastard didn’t get far, though. Maze managed to easily capture him, and from then on became the LAPDs number one bounty hunter.

But, with all that bad came a lot of good. Not easily, of course. It's hard work trying to find a suitable building in the perfect location for your next veterinarian hospital. You, with the help of your trusty sidekick Alice Green, managed to find just that though.

Next, while you sorted out the building paperwork and searched for a good construction company, you had to find a place to live. That, thankfully, went much quicker then finding the next “Circle of Life Veterinary Clinic” building.

Chloe kept trying to convince you to move in with her instead of Maze, but you politely decline. You didn't want to be the one who made that badass fighter homeless. Besides, you like having your own space.

And to top all that off, you got your old job back as the Captain of the K9 division of the LAPD. You missed training your dogs & officers, plus having that paycheck, the paycheck from the “CoL VC” in NY, and the future paycheck of the next CoL building allowed you to not stress financially.

Currently, you were standing in “CoL VC #2” watching the progress come along. You smile as you see how well, and fast, things are going. If this keeps up, you'll be able to open up within the month.

Which means you and Alice need to start hiring people.

You sigh to yourself and rub your forehead, closing your eyes. First things first, you had to find someway to properly thank Lucifer for giving you the name of this construction company.

“They are a fantastic company! Did very fine work in my club. Why not come see for yourself tonight?” Lucifer looked at you like he looked at Alice the first day.

“Not a chance.” You smiled at him and crossed your arms, building up a barrier.

“Oooh, playing hard to get are we?” He licked his lips and looked you up and down, “I like it!”

“Ok. This was obviously a bad idea.” You huffed and started to leave Chloe’s desk.

“Wait, K9!” You stopped and turned back towards him, “I’m sorry, truly,” he looked sincere and placed his right hand over his heart, “Here.” He grabbed the yellow sticky notes and a pen from Chloe’s desk and began to write.

“Just tell the owner that you’re with me,” He handed you the note and smiled, “He'll give you a large discount, I'm sure.”

You looked down at the note and couldn't help the thought of how beautiful Lucifer’s handwriting was, “Thank you, Lucifer.” You looked up to him and smiled, a genuine one this time.

“You’re quite welcome, my dear,” He gave you a genuine smile back, then turned flirtatious again, “Though I would like you to come to my club, so you can see what those constructors are really capable of. It’s so sad their talents will be wasted on a animal clinic.”

“Uh-huh.” You shook your head, still smiling, and walked away.

Your phone’s ringtone knocks you back to the present. The call says it’s Chloe, but when you answer it-

“SOME DADDY KILLER BOY IS GOING TO MAKE ME HOMELESS!” Lucifer’s voice blares through your phone so loud that the workers around turn towards you and you swear your ear is bleeding.

“Sooo, you think the perfect way to stop this ‘Daddy Killer Boy’ is to make me go deaf? Well, you’re doing very well so far,” you bring your phone to your none deaf ear and rub the now deaf one.

“The Detective won’t help me-” You can hear Chloe yelling at him in the background saying to give him back her phone. You hear a bit of a scuffle, and can physically imagine Chloe shaking her head as she gets her phone.

“Sorry about that, Earth. Calling you is the only way I can think of to help Lucifer,” You can tell Chloe is saying that last part to him directly, and can just imagine his eye roll.

“What’s going on?”

“Our new case victim is Dean Cooper.”

“That LA real-estate tycoon guy?”

“Yup. It looks like he died having dinner with his possible killer. The killer looks to have shattered a champagne glass and stuck a shard in Dean's throat.”

“Ouch.”

“Ella’s still at the crime scene trying to piece the glass back together in order to get fingerprints.”

“Oh, Ella,” You smile and shake your head, “What a good little scientist.”

“Agree, if a bit crazy,” Chloe holds in a laugh, “Well Mr. Cooper was the one who owned the block that Lucifer’s nightclub is on and it seems like Mr. Eric Cooper, Dean's son, is pretty quick in reclaiming his father’s properties.”

“I see…So I’m guess he’s suspect numero one?”

“Yes, but this is why I’m calling you,” Chloe gives an audible stressful sigh, “I just...I can’t seem to keep my mind on this case with the court on Perry Smith right around the corner. Plus, with my mom flying in tonight and Dan being busy with a bomb case-”

“You don’t need to say anymore, Chlo. I’ll take care of this. Just send me the address to the crime scene and I’ll take over.”

“Thank you, Earth,” You can just hear the weight lift off your BFF’s shoulder, “I’ll text you the details right now. I owe you one.”

“This is what friends do for eachother, Chloe. You should know that by now,” before you hang up you can hear Lucifer in the background, “Hurry along, K9! Every minute I get closer to homelessness!”

“Proper thank you, here I come.”

As you pull up to the crime scene you see the medics carrying away a body bag, aka Dean Cooper. So, there will be no need to worry about seeing a dead man, but there is an angry british man heading straight towards you.

“Finally! Does my homelessness mean nothing to you?” Lucifer says, but despite being upset he still opens your car door and helps you out.

“Lucifer you’re, like, a zillionaire or whatever,” you nod your thanks and you both head inside the dead man's house, “I highly doubt you’d let yourself be ‘homeless’ for more than an hour, at most.”

“But this is LUX, K9.” You try to ignore Lucifer’s desperation and come up besides Ella, who was just about to complete the champagne glass puzzle.

“Annnd, that’s how we do it!” Ella manages to place the last piece perfectly, stands up and shoves her fist in front of your face, “Ta’vonlu!”

“A puzzle solver and a Trekkie?” You laugh and smile, “Ella, I’m liking you more and more each day.”

“Woohoo! Fellow Trekkie!” Ella’s hand goes from a fist to the Vulcan greeting and you return it. The face Lucifer gives the two of you is pure confusion.

Ella gets back to work on scanning the glass for fingerprints, and in the meantime an officer hands you a folder on all info found about Dean Cooper. As you skim through the words you became disappointed, and impressed. It was amazing that a shark like Cooper had no record whatsoever.

“So, can we go to this baby shark now to arrest him and get my home back?” Lucifer stands in front of you, hands intertwined together in front of him.

“We don’t have any proof with which to arrest Eric,” you look to him as you hand the folder back to the officer.

“He has motive. That's all the proof you need!”

“Actually, you may have more than that,” Ella calls out and you go to her. She points to her laptop screen where it clearly states that Eric Coopers fingerprints were on the glass that killed his father.

“There you go! Come on chop chop,” Lucifer pushes you by the small of your back out the door and to your car, “We’ve got a baby shark to arrest!”

You barley park and shut off the engine before Lucifer is out and heading towards the Cooper building, “Lucifer wait!”

“You know, you drive just as slow as the Detective?” Lucifer stops and waits for you to catch up.

“If slow you mean ‘following traffic laws’ then yeah.” Lucifer just scoffs, “Look, Lucifer,” he looks to you with a bit of interest, he’s never heard you sound serious before.

“I understand how you’re feeling right now, I do,” You lightly touch his arm, “But Chloe has told me how you get sometimes and let me tell you: threatening to tear this guy up or torture him is not going to help you get LUX back, or this case.”

“Very well,” he returns his hand to your lower back and guides you, “I solemnly promise that the man will remain unthreatened and unharmed.”

The sound of a crash and a car alarm blaring cause you both to stop and turn around.

Eric Cooper laid on top of some poor civilian’s car. His body bleeding from almost every pore.

“Not me.” Lucifer holds up his hands in fake surrender.

“Well, shit.”

You did miss solving cases. Really, you did.

But this one was turning into a real sack of ass.

Eric Cooper was hospitalized for a full twenty four hours before the hospital allowed his wife, Christi Cooper, to take him home.

A whole twenty four hours closer to Lucifer's homelessness, and he would not shut up about it.

You and Lucifer arrive at the Cooper house to question Eric and Christi, but all you two got was another real estate shark’s name, Eleanor Bloom. Plus an extra case of nausea for both of you at the sappy love between Eric and Christi.

Eleanor, it turns out, was a real shark. Making sure Eric wasted no time in selling her that property that his father had been sitting on. That property in question was LUX, and even with Lucifer’s charm she was not giving up that land.

Which pissed Lucifer enough to abandoned you with this case. Chloe offered to help, but with her father’s killer’s court so close there was no way you were going to burden her even more. You already swore you would solve this case for her, and you meant it.

You follow up on Eleanor's lead, alone, about some shady numbers found in her accountant's books that looked like someone was hiding money. Turns out that money went to some private investigator Dean had hired to investigate someone, but the man wouldn't tell you who. You had a hunch though.

Your hunch had to be put on hold though as one of your officers comes up to you. He says they got a call about an illegal party happening at a building that was supposed to be abandoned by now.

Of course he would.

You stand before the “suppose to be abandoned” LUX nightclub with an entourage of your officers, and just sigh.

Here we go.

You have your men walk in first with you close behind, and you can hear the music cut off and people booing as soon as they see your men.

“Awww,” You hear Lucifer’s voice clearly over the crowd, “Stormtroopers have arrived, everyone! Don’t worry I’ll deal with the boys in blue.” Lucifer walks towards the officers, “You are the boys in blue, yes? The fun boys in blue aren’t due for another hour.” He chuckles and shows a wad of cash in front of your main guy, Officer Miller.

Miller just gives Lucifer a side smile and looks to his side. Lucifer follows his eye movement and his smile disappears as you walk up.

“K9?”

“I know him, Miller. I got it from here.” You ignore Lucifer and look to your officer.

“You’re sure ma’am?”

“Oh yeah,” now you look at Lucifer as you pat Miller on the shoulder, “He’s harmless.” You don’t speak again until all the officers have left, “I got to say Lucifer, I’m disappointed.”

You think your eyes might be deceiving you, but Lucifer Morningstar actually looks ashamed and distraught. You don't know why, but you actually can’t stand to see him like that.

“I mean,” you throw your hands up and turn around a full 360, “This is the first time I come to your club and you’ve got no music playing, and no people dancing around with no worries?”

You smile at him, cross your arms and raise a brow, “Tisk tisk. I may have to leave a one star review afterall.”

“Oh ho ho!” Lucifer's light returns in him, “Well, I can’t have that now can I?” He’s smiling ear to ear now, “TURN IT UP!”

The crowd cheers as the music comes back full blast. Everyone resumes their dancing, drinking, laughing, and you can’t help but to laugh right along with them.

“K9!” You turn to Lucifer who gives you that beautiful smile, “I didn't know you had it in you!”

“There’s a lot you don't know about me, Lucifer,” You smile back at him.

“Evidently! Come on,” Lucifer grabs your arm and pulls you to the dance floor.

“Oh no no no! I don’t-”

“Come on, K9!” Lucifer laughs and drags you to the dance floor, “Show me all I don't know!”

“Oh, now that’s interesting.” Dr. Linda Martin was watching you and Lucifer dance away together.

“What is?” Mrs. Charlotte Richards, well actually the body of Charlotte Richards that now belongs to the Goddess of all Creation [aka God’s ex wife and Lucifer’s mother], looks down at the tiny doctor.

“Oh, nothing much,” Linda looks at her and gives a small smile before turning her attention back on you two, “I just thought of something I have to ask a patient of mine about.”

As Linda drinks her martini the Goddess follows her eye line sight and stares at you dancing with her son. Her eye twitches.

“My son was right about you, Doctor,” the Goddess smiles wickedly, “You are incredibly insightful.”

Tag List: @insanity-is-always-fun @anushay1998 @emiwrites3reads @i-am-canada-13

I was tagged by the lovely @catthecoder, thank you luv!  🖤

Pick 5 shows, then answer the following questions, don’t cheat. Tag 10 (or however many) people. 

1. Lucifer

2. Riverdale

3. Brooklyn 99

4. Criminal Minds

5. Glee

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1. Who is your favorite character in 2?  Almost definitely Betty Cooper! I love her growth since season one and the fact that she is a very human character. I love my cute lil Betts. Lili is a stunning actress that wows me in every single episode. My close second is Mr sassy himself, Jughead Jones. 

2. Who is your least favorite character in 1? Now, this is a hard one. Eve was really pissing my off for the majority of season 4, but I don’t really hate her. So...Dan. I really really don’t like Dan. He’s just not the greatest person.

3. What is your favorite episode of 4? Lets start this by saying..I love Criminal Minds. Iv’e probably seen every episode at least twice. My fav episode is actually a two part-er. ( 6x17, 6x18) They’re called Valhalla, and Lauren. Without getting in to extreme detail, they’re about Agent Prentiss’ undercover operation from before she was in the BAU. 

4. What is you’re favorite season of 5? I’ll be the first to say it, Glee isn’t the best show, but I watched it with my sister years back so I still have a special place in my heart for it. As for favorite season, I would go with two. There was moderately less insane plot twists and the musical numbers were great. The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Iv’e Had the Time of My Life, Heads Will Roll/Thriller, Losing My Religion, Valerie, When I get You Alone...okay I’ll stop.

5. Who is your favorite couple in 3? Peraltiago, no questions asked

6. Who is your favorite couple in 2? Bughead!!! Without a single doubt.

7. What is your favorite episode of 1? I binged the entire thing in a few weeks with my sister, so everything blurred together, but I really loved the alternate dimension episode, (3x26, Once Upon A Time) seeing how everything would be different was really cool. Also, the season 4 finale was heartbreaking.

8. What is your favorite episode of 5? The Quarterback episode (5x03) is really sad and one of the greats, but my favorite is probably either The Break Up, 4x04, or Never Been Kissed, 2x06

9. What is your favorite season of 2? I always say 1 when I get asked this. I really like the vibe of season one and it was just so..intriguing. However, I also really like the craziness of season 2. The breakup/striptease/mad world episode (House of the Devil, 2x08) will forever be one of my favs. 

10. How long have you watched 1? Seriously only about 2 maybe 3 weeks. It was recommended to me by friends, my brother, and some lovely ladies on Discord were screaming about it. I’m finished with it, and honestly don’t know how I’m gonna wait for season 5. 

11. How did you become interested in 3? My Tumblr was full of gifs from B99 and I didn't know what it was. I saw that it was a sitcom cop show so I tried it out, and a few weeks later, I had watched the entire thing. 

12. Who is your favorite actor in 4? i really like Shemar Moore simply because he can be the big bad agent but also give stellar emotional scenes, but Matthew Gray Gubler is the level of strange that I aspire to be. 

13. Which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5? Jeez man, hard questions here. I would have to go with my Riverdale babies. 

14. Which have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3? So, I did the math..cause I’m like that, and there are a lot more episodes of B99 than Lucifer, so I’d go with Brooklyn 99. 

15. If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be? Um... probably Prentiss. I’d honestly love to be in a BAU unit, and maybe I will, cause it’s part of the plan. I love her personality. 

16. Would a crossover between 3 and 4 work? Honestly, yea. I can see there being a string of murders and Captain Ray calling in for help. I would be a hilarious juxtaposition of dark and gloomy and sitcom. 

17. Pair two characters in 1 who would make and unlikely but strangely okay couple? Lucifer and Ella being friends is unlikely simply because of their personalities, but I love them. As for couples, I’s love to see interaction between Ella and Maze. I just really love Ella. 

18. Overall, which show has the better storyline, 3 or 5? Almost definitely 3. I’ll take a sitcom cop show over Glee anyday, (Most days, okay)

19. Which has the better theme music, 2 or 4? Riverdale doesn’t really have theme music? But the opening credit sound bite is really cool. Criminal Minds has the opening song, but I’ll go with Riverdale for this one. 

Jeez, I love doing these! Special thanks to @catthecoder again for tagging me! I’m gonna tag @theheavycrown @endlesswriter03 and @srainebuggie !!! (if you guys have already done it, feel free to ignore my ramblings)

And Justice For All...

Cameroon 0 – England 3.

I’m a big believer in, that no matter whatever happens within a football game, the above result will be the only long lasting importance. To the real purists, it can be distilled even further to simply, England beat Cameroon, verbatim.

The Women’s World Cup 2019 will be no different to any other major Footballing competition, they come, they go.

That said, the game between Cameroon and England was a real treat. The football game was excellent, but the actions of the Cameroonian players during the game was by far the best entertainment. They cried, they argued, they spat, they threatened careers, they looked silly and yet, amongst all of this, they played some nice football.

This is what former USA footballer, Hope Solo, had to say.

“This Cameroon team, they don't have the resources. They don't have the quality coaching in their country, they don't have the experience like England or somebody like Phil Neville. We have to try and understand that. Perhaps they weren't even told about the rules, the laws of the game and the evolution of the game. So, your heart has to go out a little bit to this Cameroon side. They played with emotions and brought this emotion to the tournament. As much as we want to see a little bit more class from Cameroon, they did bring that beautiful emotion and packed this entire stadium, You have to look at it both ways”

It’s such a diplomatic way of looking at the game, and largely I agree with it, however, just which resources are required to educate a football team about spitting, elbowing, shoving the ref, the off-side rule? Let’s not even go there with the stereotypical view that women don’t understand the off-side rule, many football fans don’t understand the rule. It is a rule that whichever way is tweaked, in an attempt to make it easier to implement, will mutate into something more complex.

“Perhaps they weren't even told about the rules, the laws of the game and the evolution of the game” Whilst the evolution of the game right now is VAR, the introduction of the off-side rule came in 1863. Every decision made by VAR concerning the off-side rule was 100% accurate.  

The Cameroon team were visibly shaken by the off-side rulings, crying, arguing with the officials, huddling together in the center circle, claiming FIFA is racist, essentially the team “blew their shit” and wasn’t prepared to accept a decision go against them. It was if they were not prepared to accept the rules, as if there was perhaps another way to get the decision overturned, sadly that option was not available to them.

I can’t say it was a macrocosm of African life, because I haven’t lived within enough African cultures to speak for the whole continent, but the Cameroonian Ladies attitudes definitely resonated as far as Kenya.

The petulance displayed by the Cameroon team throughout the game made me draw direct comparisons to how the average Kenyan lives life. A life that perhaps hasn’t been told about the rules, laws and evolution of life, or as more than likely, chooses to deliberately ignore them.

Upon on your first arrival to Kenya you’ll hear very quickly about authority and justice, usually from the driver as you exit the airport into Nairobi.

Every single Kenyan knows just how corrupt their country is, and yes, whilst they are all utterly ashamed and embarrassed about the ‘C’ word, we are all fundamentally enslaved by the “system”.

Recently, I’ve heard at least five friends or associates tell me of their experiences of refusing to pay Tea Tax, and how now, each and every one of them says, that will be the last time they fight the system, next time they’ll just pay the bribe.  

It took me a while to learn how to deal with “The Police” here and certainly, my first initial reaction with the police was to challenge. Why have I been stopped? I’ve done nothing wrong. Of course, that’s a perfectly natural way for everybody to act, well, not in Kenya as it turns out, there can always be something “wrong” and you’re guilty until proven guilty.

Growing up in the UK you become aware of your rights from an early age, you develop and become armed with a robust set of civil rights and unless you’ve been hacking the matrix, you’ll be able to exercise them.

Most offences you are likely to stand accused of here will be similar to an episode of Scooby-Doo, they’ll be vague, tenuous and carry little legal credibility. Had the criminals, that Freddie, Velma and Daphne caught, possessed any sense, they could have switched the legal tables around and had the Magical Mystery Bus Crew up for Trespassing, Criminal Damage, GBH, Slander, False Imprisonment, Zoinks, I doubt they even had a Dog License.

So, with this in mind, my advice when confronted by a member of the Kenyan Police Force is to be cooperative, dumb and submissive…ok mainly dumb and submissive. Act like you’re stupid, but very friendly…you know, a very stupid friendly person, we all know one of them. Act respectfully, but perhaps as if you’ve just left hospital after being awoken from a 12 year coma. Do NOT let the officer know that you understand how the road works or even what a car does.

Sorry, how presumptuous, I’ve forgotten to say, the only time you will ever come into contact with a police officer is whilst in a car.

Just answer every question you are asked, make no sub-plots, second guesses, or even worse still, fall into the trap of attempting to translate what the officer is saying into any western logic, quotes from your Highway Code are not going to work.

“But Sir, there is no sign to obey?” or “The white solid line?…errrr which white solid line are you talking about?” or “Could you please show me the exact speed I was traveling at?” that type of smart-ass clever clogs logic ain’t gonna fly, just stick to “oh” “ok” and “sorry”.

Of course, answer where you are from, respond with where you are going and NO, you don’t know why Kenyan’s are not allowed to drive on International Driving Licenses, answering “because very few Kenyans know how to drive” is not going to lighten the mood.  Just stick to the basics as listed, with possibly a “terribly sorry, I’ll never drive again” or “I will speak to God as soon as I get home” In most cases, if your car has insurance, your brake lights work and you’ve acted out your best Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber role, then you will be asked to continue your journey without any hassle.

It’s just that, when it comes to any level of confusion or reasonable doubt, that is when PC Chai will strike. Although there are much needed and continuing road upgrades occurring all over Kenya right now, many of the roads haven’t evolved well and road designation hasn’t been respected, so over time, there have been many glitches appear. When I say glitches, I mean in particular, junctions that are tenuous with their intended execution. There will be a sign missing, a marking lost, an invisible lane and this is where you’ll always find a cop waiting to pounce upon any vulnerability.

Also, whenever you’re stopped by a cop, you’d best hope it’s a male specimen. If you get a female cop you are going to jail. I can only assume that sometime in the 1990’s when women began to become more mainstream on the beat in Kenya, the then Inspector General found a book called “The Essential Guide to being a Female Officer in the East German Stasi” and based his whole outlook for Women in the KPS upon that. The Women Officers have zero personality, zero compassion, zero smile, they are Lucifer in fancy dress. It’s best to just plead the 5thamendment and demand to speak to your Ambassador immediately, good luck.

The Kenyan Police Service is now so widely and openly corrupt it’s normal. Chat to any Kenyan, Listen to any Church Service, look on any Kenyan News-site, watch Kenyan News TV, read Kenyan Transport Twitter Feeds @Ma3Route @KenyanTraffic and you’ll see video footage and photographs of cops taking bribes, cops about to be bribed or cops looking for bribes. It’s common knowledge and I’m yet to hear of a sustained plan to tackle it.

I’m not advocating for 1984, but to tackle the “system” would mean Kenyan’s being patrolled by VAR equivalents such as Speed Cameras, Average Speed Checks, Regulated Bus Lanes, Traffic Light Enforcement Cameras, Emission Detectors or even far more desirable a credible Police service. Sadly though any of that would infuriate the average Kenyan. Imagine, an automated justice system able to bypass the cops and not be swayed with a pithy excuse or any bribe or even a decent cop issuing a deserved fine, this is not 1984 just 2019.

Put simply, this would cause civil-war. There would be protests, riots, burning tyre’s (the most symbolic of all African protestation instruments), all of the cameras would be destroyed and all because the average Kenyan does not want to understand the rules, ergo the “system’ continues.

Let me be clear, It’s not just the Kenyan Police Service blighted by the “C” word, unfortunately the whole fabric of society has been riddled with the disease. The Kenyan President is very vocal in his “War on Corruption” and I hope he maintains the great work, however, to me, it still feels like the Anti-Corruption Agency has been given a watering can to put out an exploded nuclear power plant. 

For now though, let’s not judge Women’s football on one game, I just wish we could say the same about Kenya. 

Fic: Where There's Smoke, There's Ire [1/3] (Deckerstar)

Where There’s Smoke, There’s Ire [1/3] to @wondertwinc / from @ghostofstartraveller776

A serial killer is on the loose, targeting couples shortly before their weddings. To catch him, Special Agent Chloe Decker has to enlist the help of Lucifer Morningstar, a roguish nightclub owner and new civilian consultant for the FBI.

Tags: Mild Language, Descriptions of a Crime Scene, Canon-Typical Violence, FBI AU, Fake Relationship, Humor, Crime Fighting, Shameless Flirting, Questionable Law Enforcement Lingo, Ridiculous Shenanigans

Written for @wondertwinc for the 2017 Lucifer Gift Exchange. The characterizations here are closer to early season one for our heroes. Also, I intended this to be a oneshot, but my muse ain’t cooperating. I hope you enjoy your gift! :)

made for round 1 of the @lucifer-gift-exchange

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE, THERE’S IRE (Part 1 of 3)

Special Agent Chloe Decker grit her teeth to keep from yawning as she walked through the crowd of first responders toward her crime scene. Several firetrucks and police cars were scattered on the deserted highway, multi-colored lights flashing in the darkness. Beyond, members of the FBI’s ERT were sweeping the ground with flashlights near a sedan parked in a graveled turnout. They paused to take photographs and collect evidence.

She stifled another yawn. Three a.m. calls were never easy, and she was grateful that her mother was visiting this month. Finding a sitter for Trixie at this god-awful hour would have been a challenge, especially when her ex, Dan Espinoza, was another agent on the case. In fact, he was already here, standing next to the vehicle, frowning at his phone. He glanced up and, catching her eye, waved her over.

“We got lucky with this one.” He nodded toward the car when she joined him.

The paint on the late model sedan was scorched near the fuel tank, but it was otherwise unmarred. No kidding, this was a lucky break.

“Looks like someone scared off our unsub before he could get the blaze going,” Dan continued.

“Any survivors?” she asked, hugging herself against the chilly night air.

Dan’s mouth thinned in a grim line. “No. But we knew burning them was a forensic counter measure.”

Chloe sucked in a breath, glancing at the vehicle. “Are we sure this is our guy?”

“Oh, yeah.” He gestured for her to take a look, and she pulled a flashlight from a loop on her belt as she picked her way over to the front of the car.

She flashed the light in the interior and blew out a sigh. Yep. Definitely their guy. In the driver’s seat was a male victim slouched against the door, skin unnaturally pale and a patch of dried blood at his temple. A female victim was propped in the passenger seat, staring straight ahead with lifeless eyes. She was as sallow as her companion. They’d been dead for a while. Chloe wasn’t going to be surprised when these two turned out to be a few months shy of tying the knot—just as the others had been.

“So, this is great!” a peppy feminine voice exclaimed next to Chloe. She turned toward the source, canting a brow at Ella Lopez from the Evidence Recovery Team.

Ella gave her an apologetic smile. “Well, not great for them. But really great for us.” She pointed to the male behind the steering wheel. “We knew that the killer incapacitated the grooms with blunt force against the temple. I still haven’t figured out what he uses. It isn’t cylindrical like a baseball bat. A hammer is too small. Maybe a mallet?”

“Ella,” Chloe interrupted, hoping to get the young woman back on track.

“Right, okay.” Ella darted to the passenger side of the car and opened the door. She leaned in over the female as she fished a penlight out of her front pocket. “We haven’t been able to figure out how he was killing the brides. We tested the tissue samples from the other remains—and let me tell you, there’s not a lot—but they came back negative for any kind of controlled substance. There have been hyoid fractures, but that could also be from the massive temps produced by the fires.”

Chloe and Dan stepped closer as Ella pointed her light at the victim’s face.

“Voila! Petechial hemorrhaging in the eyes.” Ella waved a hand like a gameshow hostess. “And there’s a slight discoloration around her mouth. It’s looking like good, old fashioned suffocation. Probably with a pillow. I’m betting I’ll find some trace, but we’ll know more when we get them back to the coroner’s.”

Dan gave the girl a curt nod. “This is top priority,” he said. “They’re the fourth couple in the last seven months.”

“You got it, boss.” Ella gave him a jaunty salute before turning back to the victims.

Dan ushered Chloe a little distance away. “Just before you got here,” he said, “I got a call from the OTD guys, and they’ve found a correlation between our vics—aside from the obvious.”

Chloe gave the deceased a cursory glance. They fit the bill in every way. Husband-to-be tall with dark hair. His sweetheart petite and blond. Age seemed to be less important to the unsub. The first victims were middle-aged, but these two were barely out of college.

“It looks like the previous three couples participated in a special retreat for folks who’re looking to get hitched. The—” Dan searched his phone, “—Happily-Ever-After Workshop.” He looked up at Chloe. “Apparently it changes venues.”

“That explains why we’ve been finding our victims all over Southern California.”

He made a noise of agreement. “The next one is in three weeks.” He glanced back at his phone. “At The Lodge in Big Bear. But we should probably start interviewing people from the workshop right away.”

She chewed her lip as she considered their options. “No,” she said after a beat, shaking her head. “If we start rounding up people from the workshop, he’ll go into hiding.”

“You have something else in mind?” Dan raised his brows with that dubious look he got sometimes when conferring with her on a case. Their split had been amicable for the most part, but there were brief moments when he suffered from a dose of machismo when it came to work.

She ignored it like she always did. “We need him to feel safe, especially after this debacle. So, we let him think we’re still spinning our heels. In the meantime, we go undercover at the workshop in Big Bear. See if we can’t smoke him out.” She cringed inwardly at the unfortunate pun.

“Undercover?” Ella popped her head out of the car. “That’s so cool!” She looked Chloe over. “And you totally fit the profile for the bride. You just need a groom. Sorry Dan, you’ve got the hair, but not the height. No offense.”

Dan raised his arms with a rueful laugh. “None taken.”

Ella’s eyes lit up with sudden inspiration. “Oh! Oh! You know who would be perfect?”

Chloe’s expression went flat when she realized exactly who Ella meant. “Yeah, no. No.”

“Oh, come on!” Ella argued. “You know he’d be great. And he’s already got the clearance to work on the case—being a consultant and all.”

What Ella wasn’t mentioning was the mercurial nature of Lucifer Morningstar. He was self-centered at best, only working the cases he thought might amuse him. At worst, he was completely nuts. The man claimed to be the devil—the literal king of hell.

Chloe glanced at Dan in the hopes that he’d back her up, but he gave her a shrug. “Hey, I don’t like the guy,” he said, “but Ella’s got a point. He does fit the victim profile.”

Chloe looked heavenward, swallowing back a groan. If Lucifer agreed to do the op, she’d have to spend a weekend pretending to be madly in love with him. Definitely not the highlight of her career, but if she caught her killer, it’d be worth the hassle.

“Fine. I’ll ask him.”

—0o0—

It was a week before Chloe darkened the doors of Lux, Lucifer’s nightclub. She had to give it to the man; this place was exactly what she’d expect to be owned by the devil. The music was just the right mix of bass and rhythm that enticed her to move her body, though she didn’t. The décor was classy rather than trendy, packed with beautiful people, drinking, laughing, grinding. Several patrons gave her lingering gazes as she made her way to the bar, and she felt a little like she was at a meat market. A hyper-sexualized one.

But that was unsurprising considering the proprietor’s own moral-free attitude. God, she hoped he wasn’t already having a private party in his suit upstairs.

She shook her head, wondering how he’d ended up becoming a consultant for the FBI. No, actually. She knew how it happened. They’d crossed paths a few months back during a celebrity kidnapping. The celebrity had been a friend of his, and when the case had unfortunately turned into a murder investigation, he’d strong-armed his way onto the team using his considerable charm and wit. (He did end up proving moderately useful on that and other cases.)

Chloe didn’t understand why everyone seemed to fall over themselves whenever he was around. Yeah, he was a handsome guy; she wasn’t blind. Yeah, he had a British accent—which was all the rage lately in the States. She got it. But he was kind of a nuisance, too.

“I think you want the cop bar four streets over.”

Chloe glanced up at Mazikeen before taking a stool. Lucifer’s right hand woman was beautiful and a little bit intimidating. If Lucifer was crazy, then Mazikeen was one wrong look away from committing mass murder.

“I’m not a cop,” Chloe said as she had a dozen times before. “FBI, remember?”

Mazikeen glowered at her. “Yeah, well, you all stink the same.”

Chloe sighed. She didn’t know why she bothered. “I came to see your boss. Is he available?”

Mazikeen sucked the insides of her cheeks, crossing her arms. “That depends on what you need him for.” She didn’t care for her boss’s side job helping out the FBI, and she made sure Chloe knew it.

Fortunately, the man in question sidled up next to Chloe, casually resting a hip against the bar as he grinned at her. He looked as stylish as ever in a white button-down, open at the color, and tailored black suit. He always dressed as though a spontaneous photoshoot might break out at any given moment.

“Special Agent Decker.” He made her name sound like a double entendre. “What brings you to my little den of iniquity?”

She inhaled a steeling breath. Here goes nothing. “Mr. Morningstar—”

“Lucifer, please.” He splayed a hand against his chest with an impish smile. “I’d like to think after all we’ve been through that we’ve become too intimate for formalities.”

She rolled her eyes. How was she going to put up with him day and night for a weekend? “Lucifer, I need your help.”

“Oh! I like the sound of that.” His tongue flicked across his bottom lip as he looked her over in obvious appreciation. “Tell me, my dear: how can the devil be of assistance? Have you finally come to schedule our naked playdate? If so, you’re in luck. I happen to be free right now.”

As incorrigible as ever, but that might work in her favor. “Good.” She leaned closer to him and watched his brows rise with eager anticipation. “Because I need your help on a case.”

His glee vanished, replaced by chagrin. “Oh.”

Mazikeen slapped her palms against the bar, making Chloe jump. “He can’t do it.” She narrowed her eyes. “He’s too busy to play cops and robbers with you.”

“Now, now, Maze.” Lucifer waved off his rabid protector. “Let’s hear the agent out before you threaten to toss her out on her backside.”

“Fine.” Mazikeen threw her hands up as she stepped back to retrieve a pair of glasses and a bottle of bourbon. She poured a finger of the amber liquid in each tumbler, passed one to Lucifer and then took a sip out of the other. “Well? What are you waiting for?” she snapped at Chloe. “Tell him about the case.” She made no move to leave.

Chloe pulled a file from her satchel without argument. She could demand that Mazikeen give them privacy, that the woman didn’t have clearance to hear what she was about to share, but it’d be like talking to a brick wall. Instead, Chloe gave Lucifer the file. “You’ve heard about the Lover’s Lane killer, right?”

“Yes.” He flipped through the folder, making a face when he found the crime scene photos. “Firebombing couples in the throes of passion is really quite rude, isn’t it? I mean, I hope he at least waited until they finished the deed before he turned up the proverbial heat.”

“Yeah, well, we caught a break,” she said without correcting his erroneous presumptions. There would be plenty of time to read him in if he decided to help out. She turned a page in the file and pointed at a case note. “It looks like all of the victims participated in a retreat for engaged couples. The Happily-Ever-After Workshop.”

“Hm. Never heard of it,” Lucifer said, frowning at the paperwork in his hands. “But then I’m rather against monogamy on principle. Why force yourself to eat the same meal every day for the rest of your life when there are so many other carnal delights to be had?”

Chloe let out a quiet snort at that. God, this man. “There’s another workshop in two weeks, and I’m asking if you’ll attend it with me—undercover.”

He quirked a brow, then glanced back at the victim profiles. “Oh, right. Because you and I together—” he waved a finger over the photos, “—we’re exactly the killer’s type.”

“Yes.”

He gave her another once over. “And we’d have to play the doting lovers, is it?”

“Yep.”

He seemed to mull it over, and she held her breath as she waited for his answer. The op would go forward with or without him, but they might have more success if they could lure the unsub to them rather than covertly attempt to ferret him out.

“You know,” Lucifer replied a moment later, “this actually sounds like fun. You can count me in, Agent.”

Mazikeen swirled her drink. “Me, too.”

And that was where Chloe had to draw the line. “Ah, no. This is only for those working the case. Lucifer is a consultant. You’re not.”

Mazikeen leaned forward on her elbows, the movement putting her nose to nose with Chloe. “Where he goes, I go,” she explained in a cold voice. “I’m coming and you can’t stop me.” She stared Chloe down, and the look probably would’ve had most people screaming for the hills.

But Chloe wasn’t most people. She glared right back, ready to tell Mazikeen that under no uncertain terms was she tagging along, but Lucifer spoke before she could.

“Ladies, ladies,” he said. “As much as I enjoy a good catfight—especially over me—I’m sure we can come to an arrangement.” He gave Chloe a placating smile. “You really can’t stop Maze when she sets her mind to something. Hell would freeze over before she relents, and as the world’s foremost authority on the place, I can say that’s never happened. So, she comes.”

Mazikeen let out a smug harrumph.

“But,” Lucifer continued, his gaze turning on her, “she will be on her best behavior. Hm?”

She rolled her eyes, but said nothing.

“Okay, fine.” Chloe leveled a hard look at the other woman. “But if you mess up my op in any way—”

“Oh, I won’t,” Mazikeen countered. “You just better hope that you find that killer before I do.”

“That’s settled, then!” Lucifer clapped his hands. “Shall we drink to it? Perhaps a round of celebratory sex? For research purposes, of course. I really want to dive into the role right away.”

“You know, what? I think we’re done here.” Chloe took the file back and stood up. “I’ll get back to you with the details.” She began to walk away, hoping to escape any further suggestive comments that he might have.

“Your loss, Agent!” he called to her back.

“I’ll learn to live with it!” she yelled without turning around.

Catching the killer was going to be the easy part of this op. Not shooting Lucifer before the workshop was over would be the real challenge.

~TBC~

Fox’s The Exorcist Season 2, Episode 2: “Safe as Houses” Directed by Deran Sarafian Written by Adam Stein

* For a recap & review of the Season 2 premiere, “Janus” – click here * For a recap & review of the next episode, “Unclean” – click here We open on the Vatican. Studying, deep in the Officio Di Esorcismo, is our friend Father Devon Bennett (Kurt Egyiawan). Apparently he’s having trouble, the tribunal wants his evidence. In a court of appeal, he presents the council his case. He speaks of the “integration” when there’s a “permanent fusion” between human soul and the demon. Then he explains his belief about those who’ve already integrated having infiltrated the Roman Catholic Church, at every level. And then Cardinal Guillot (Torrey Hanson) arrives, to testify about his supposed demonic possession. Nobody believes Father Bennett’s story, though he’s insistent about the man: “I know who you are.” After that Guillot sets about proving he isn’t a demon. He’s poured a small chalice of water to bless and swallow back. Nothing happens. So the tribunal is satisfied. They’re only concerned with the rogue priest, Father Marcus Keane (Ben Daniels). Speaking of Marcus, he and Father Tomas Ortega (Alfonso Herrera) are still in that barn, at the hands of those angry men. And one of them’s a cop, Jordy (Warren Christie), so that makes it all the more uneasy. Andrew ‘Andy’ Kim (John Cho) is fixing up the boards over the well, explaining to social worker Rose Cooper (Li Jun Li) there’s never anything like that around their place. Although she worries, it was an intense situation. At the foster home, the kids take care of themselves pretty well while Andy has things to deal with; Shelby’s (Alex Barima) even invited by a neighbour, a farmer, to view the birth of a lamb, clearly he has an interest in medicine, maybe veterinary work. Elsewhere, in the barn, Marcus tries explaining to Sheriff Jordy his wife Cindy (Zibby Allen) has been taken by Lucifer, “the Morning Star,” and they’re her only hope. Naturally, these men don’t believe this religious insanity. Until Marcus talks about things he shouldn’t know, by any natural logic, from being with the demon in her mind. However, if she dies, those men are going to kill the priests. Back on that Washington island, Rose questions Caleb (Hunter Dillon) about what happened the night before. If he wanted to hurt himself. The kid doesn’t want to talk about it. Obviously something’s up. We further find out about Andy’s wife, who it seems committed suicide, or at the very least died because of deep, emotionally traumatic issues. Marcus keeps warning Tomas of his “unnecessary risks.” He talks about a friend, back during his training, who walked into a room with a demon and did not come back out for six months. He worries for the younger priest’s soul, whereas Tomas believes he’s jealous. Oh, Father Ortega’s getting lost, and fast. The men take Father Keane and Father Ortega to the hospital, after Cindy’s had quite a… fit. They’ve cleared the place out, but there’s streaks of blood, bits of gore in the hallways. In a nearby room, Cindy’s got a man held hostage. She’s in the full grips of the demon, contorting her body, frothing black bubbles from the mouth. She speaks in cryptic scripture-like sentences, chewing pieces out of the man’s face, gouging him open. Then she takes off into the ceiling like an animal. “So sweet. Sweet like stolen candy.” Father Bennett’s discovering his office and exorcisms in general within the Church are being undermined; the integrated are most certainly infiltrating. At least he’s got himself a few friends left, behind the scenes. Such as Cardinal Caro (Philip Craig) who shares what he knows in private. Poor Caleb bites into an apple finding a mouthful of squirming maggots. He spits them out, rinsing his mouth. He runs into Verity (Brianna Hildebrand), but he’s acting strangely. Later, he goes to talk with Andy – he says last night, he was with Verity, that she made him go out to the well and stand there, counting to ten. He says she left him. Is this the truth? Could Verity be possessed? Or is it him, playing tricks? Next door, Shelby watches the lamb’s birth. Only there are issues with the delivery, the other animals even seem to know. When they remove the baby it breaks out of its sac, looking like some sort of demonic creature. And it has to be put down. In the maternity ward, Cindy has lots of babies to enjoy. Marcus and Tomas confront her. It’s quite difficult, when she has her hands on a child, power over the others in the room. Suddenly, Tomas begins singing a familiar song to the woman, but she grips Marcus by the throat, choking him powerfully. After a moment, she sings along with Tomas. He manages to get the baby away from her. Giving his partner enough time to tackle Cindy, reciting the necessary prayers. Shelby goes out in the woods at night. He prays to himself, though soon the forest is filled with hideous, terrifying sounds. At the foster home, Andy talks to Verity. She denies taking Caleb out there at night, admitting to taking him there earlier that day. So, who’s lying? It makes the girl look untrustworthy, given her apparent history of trouble. Andy’s worried about her, and Verity is pissed that he would believe she’d try to hurt one of her friends. Then there’s little Grace (Amélie Eve), stuck in the middle. The priests keep battling. Except that Tomas is being pulled deeper into the demon’s mind, his own mind. He’s called to another place with it, as Marcus loses a grip on his friend. In a dark church, Tomas meets with Cindy, she points him toward the confessional. The demon tries to turn him further against the other priest, as Tomas inside and Marcus outside fight to save Cindy. And eventually, she comes back to the world in the hospital. That evening, Father Bennett calls Marcus to let him know the Vatican are coming for him, the integrated within its ranks. So this means he’s got to get moving. This is where the priests get closer to the Washington Island, on which the foster home is situated. Where Andy’s seemed to have cleared things up, thinking Caleb went out there as a ritual sort of thing. At least that’s what he tells Rose to keep the kids together. But in the night, outside, Andy finds there are more troubling things going on around the place after finding bloody hand prints on his door, and Shelby, holding the bloody lamb fetus in his arms: “There‘s something in the woods.” So fucking creepy.

Fantastic follow-up to the premiere. Also love how we’re not sure WHO is going to be possessed at the foster home, or who’s ALREADY possessed, because there’s a swirling bunch of events happening that takes us in many directions. “Unclean” comes to us next week.

The Exorcist – Season 2, Episode 2: “Safe as Houses” Fox's The Exorcist Season 2, Episode 2: "Safe as Houses" Directed by Deran Sarafian…