THERE WILL COME A SOLDIER WHO CARRIES A MIGHTY SWORD HE WILL TEAR YOUR CITY DOWN OLEIIIIII OLAIIIIIII OLEIIIII OH LORD

Once again, I am doing a series of my behind-the-scenes thoughts for The Golds while I do light edits for formatting, typos, and continuity. Here’s Chapter 10!

For this chapter’s title, I chose the final lyric of “The Song of the Seven”: they see you, little children. The lyric is supposed to mean that the gods are always watching over you. In this fic, Jace and Aegon (and all the Targkids) are constantly being watched by their family, the court, and the realm because they are royal heirs. Although Jace and Aegon are adults by Westerosi standards, they’re still quite young—and now they have a child of their own to protect and watch over.

Aegon mentions in Chapter 6 that Jace hasn’t ugly-cried since she was 7, and now here’s the story! I discussed in previous commentaries how Rhaenyra and Laenor were trying for a son but after Joff was born, they called it quits. Since Joff was born sickly, Rhaenyra was distracted with that for several months. Once Joff was healthy, Rhaenyra decided to tell Jace on her seventh nameday—since seven is a special number in Westeros—about officially being her heir.

Prior to that, Jace is a normal, girly-girl child who’s only worried about games and such. She’s still well-behaved and responsible, but just in the “I need to make sure Luce brushes her teeth” sense rather than the “I have the weight of the realm on my shoulders” sense.

Laenor was like a Disney dad to Jace and Luce. He loved them but was often away living his own life, and when he came back he lavished them with presents to try to make up for it. Jace is careful with the dolls he gives her not only because she’s naturally a careful person, but also because they remind her of her father while he’s away. And to Laenor’s credit, he knows his daughters well enough that he can pick good presents for them. He notices that the dolls never last long in Luce’s hands so he gets less fragile stuff, while for Jace he buys delicate and expensive dolls because he knows she’ll appreciate them. I imagine he picks dolls wearing the clothes and hairstyles of whatever place he’s visiting, so Jace can use the dolls to learn what gowns are fashionable in Lorath or wherever.

Aegon is the eldest Targkid and he’s very important to Jace, so she gives a lot of weight to what he says. And Aegon has said a lot about how it sucks to be the heir and he’s glad he doesn’t have to do it. Now he’s regretting his big mouth 🥲.

Aegon was bad about carrying around handkerchiefs when he was younger, but he was always willing to sacrifice his sleeve if Jace needed it.

Aegon did indeed steal back Jace’s dolls from a 5-year-old, and I’m sure Luce bit him at least once (and yelled for Aemond to come hit Aegon). But once Luce realized how distraught Jace was about the dolls, she was willing to give them up. And Jace is very good about sharing, so Luce knows she can play with them whenever she wants.

Aegon doesn’t understand magic but he fully appreciates Joff’s help during the birth. If she hadn’t gone berserk in the middle of the night, she would have become his new favorite person after Jace and Cheeseball.

Is there symbolism in Aegon undoing his son’s swaddling and telling him “be free”?? Yeah probably.

Aegon was so worried about his influence being bad on the baby, but now he’s so proud and daydreaming about Cheeseball being a troublemaker like himself!

“I won’t be like my father. I’ll be better than him.” Foreshadowing for the rest of the chapter and Aegon’s arc in future fics? Yes it is! Also me pulling in some themes from Greek mythology, where sons becoming more powerful than their fathers is a common trope (Kronos vs his father Ouranos, Zeus vs his father Kronos, Zeus taking great pains to thwart his hypothetical son by his first wife Metis from being born so that son can never overthrow him).

Aegon’s little speech to Cheeseball is basically what Aegon wishes somebody had told him growing up. People called Aegon the future king and had high expectations for him. Aegon can’t stop other people from thinking and saying what they want to think and say, but he can make sure his son knows he has more value than his status as heir.

I’m not 100% sure but I think Aemond was voluntold to transport the egg, and Aemond is secretly pleased by the responsibility. Even though Aemond is awkward around his nephew, he does care about Elenar and he doesn’t want his nephew to grow up dragonless like himself. Aemond is concerned by the seeming imperfection of the egg (just as how he thinks his missing eye is an imperfection), but in the end, that “flaw” is a unique feature that makes the hatchling very special.

I enjoyed writing the juxtaposition of a serious conversation about politics and battle while Aegon is trying to help a baby pass gas 😂. Babies operate on their own timeline, they’re not waiting for the adults to finish speaking. If they need to fart, they need to fart.

Aegon would have been bloodthirsty toward the Tyroshi and Tyrosh in general, but he’s been busy taking care of Jace and then the baby. He prioritized giving attention to his family, and now that he has bandwidth to think about other things, a lot of that initial bloodthirst has died down because…well, Aegon is pretty happy with life right now. Jace is safe and happy, Elenar is safe and happy, so Aegon is content (and it helps that he’s seen what Daemon is doing in the Black Cells). But when Viserys disrupts that happiness, it kickstarts Aegon into action.

Aemond has been thinking a lot about how to avoid marrying Cassandra. His preference would be eloping with Luce, but she has hesitations because she knows his pride will likely lead to the marriage souring. Since he can’t talk her into that right now, he has to think of alternatives. If he remains in Westeros, Viserys could order lords and knights to send Aemond back to KL, which means Aemond would basically have to go rogue with Vhagar. Aemond could go traveling around Essos like many second sons, but that would make him look irresponsible. So he lands on the Stepstones option, which takes him physically far from Viserys’s reach and still allows him to fulfill his duties as a prince and dragonrider. Also, Aegon and Aemond left the Stepstones rather hastily so they could attend Jace and Aegon’s wedding. They arranged a deal with Racallio to make peace, but it ended up being a bandaid solution because Racallio is having trouble now. Aemond likes finishing what he started, so he also has that incentive to return to the Stepstones.

Aegon and Aemond aren’t the kind of guys to have a lot of heart-to-hearts, but Aegon still knows him really well. They aren’t friends, but they’re definitely brothers.

Luce fending off suitors from her island palace while Aemond is away = Penelope and Odysseus vibes, except our Penelope is NOT waiting for 20 years and she has a dragon that can take her places.

In Episode 9, Aemond stopped Aegon from running away from his duty. Here, Aegon is helping Aemond run away from his. Who would’ve thought Aemond would be the one shunning his duty? 🤪

Aegon has learned from his past mistakes. In Chapters 3 and 4, he forgot to communicate with Jace what he was doing, but now he makes sure to keep her apprised of his shenanigans.

Cheeseball being happiest while naked is another trait he shares with his father 😂. Both times when we’re introduced to Aegon (Ep 6 and Ep 8), he’s butt naked. He just seems really chill about casual nudity.

Aegon has been projecting dialogue and thoughts unto Cheeseball ever since he was in the womb, but honestly Aegon is probably accurate 99% of the time what his son is thinking and feeling.

Several months ago I saw a guy waiting in line at a fast-casual restaurant with a newborn, and he just started doing squats to soothe the baby. Hence, Aegon doing squats with Cheeseball and totally not caring that the entire court is watching him.

The Baratheons might be power-hungry, but they are genuinely mourning Floris. Most of them, at least. Cassandra is kinda heartless in F&B, so I could see her excitement about marrying a prince outweighing her grief. She’s done her homework about what (or whom) Aemond likes in the hopes that’ll make him like her better. Unfortunately, her efforts to evoke Luce spur him to flee the country instead 🥲.

Cregan is like twice Aegon’s size, but Aegon is still willing to fight him for hurting Jace’s feelings.

Deep down Viserys knew Jace and Aegon would NOT be happy about the fostering arrangement, and that’s why he didn’t say anything about it until they were at a public event where they can’t make a scene. But Aegon did make a scene, and that’ll be a cue for a lot of courtiers that there might be a schism among the Targs.

Viserys’s dragon dream is different than his show canon one (seeing his son wear the Conqueror’s crown), and what he sees gives him a greater sense of urgency re: the prophecy of the PTWP. He thinks it’s really important that the Targs forge a stronger bond with the Starks ASAP, so he’s speeding up the timeline for a fostering. Ironically, if Viserys set the fostering for age 7 like most, Jace and Aegon probably would’ve been unhappy but more accepting since it’s a normal arrangement. But yeah, this was really bad news for two new parents who just experienced a harrowing birth, and Jace’s emotions especially are still all over the place.

Viserys invoking being Aegon’s father when he’s done a shitty job of it 🫠.

To be fair to Cregan, he doesn’t really want to take Elenar as a ward at all, but like he said, it’s hard to say no to the king. And fostering a future king is supposed to be a huge honor.

In F&B, Baela gets dealt a crappy hand after the Dance. She marries Alyn Velaryon to avoid a worse marriage, but Alyn ends up being a serial cheater 😑. In this verse, with so many other Targ girls ahead of her in the succession for the throne and Driftmark, Baela has the option to not marry at all, especially if she goes the Queensguard route (Daemon would let her, and everyone is still thinking about Jace’s abduction so a sworn shield seems like an excellent idea to most people). But Jace knows Baela is reacting very emotionally right now and she didn’t want to entrap Baela in a lifelong oath she might regret later. For now though, it’s a good path for Baela so she can maintain her independence and stay near her family. Girl just needs to make sure not to enter any rebound relationships…

BTW if Daemon had an enemies list, he probably took the Targbros off but put Cregan on it instead because of the Baela situation.

Now we have a mirror scene of Aegon’s convo with Otto in Chapter 2! In Chapter 2, Aegon leaves the convo determined not to be involved in anything political because he wants to just focus on Jace. Now, Aegon realizes he has to be involved in politics if he wants to achieve what he and Jace want.

Otto truly isn’t happy with the fostering arrangement. The Starks aren’t happy with the Targs right now, and someone cynical might worry how Elenar is treated while he’s far away (he probably can’t even write a letter at age 4 to tell anyone what’s happening). As a prince and heir, Elenar would be accompanied by a household full of trusted servants and caretakers, but it isn’t the same as his own family keeping an eye on him. The North also isn’t a bastion of learning and diplomacy, so Otto is probably worried about what Elenar’s education will be like.

Since there’s so much genderbending in this verse, Targ princes are a hot commodity because there are only three of them in the current generation. Otto likes the Baratheon arrangement, but because Viserys offered Aemond as reparations, it affected how much the Crown could negotiate from the betrothal contract. And like Otto said, bad precedent: “Did the Targs wrong you? That’s ok, you’ll get a royal marriage or ward in exchange.”

I originally wanted another scene with Bethany in this fic but there wasn’t room for it. Her face is scarred very badly, and this hampers her marriage prospects (which is a lot of the value of a highborn girl in Westeros). Remaining as Jace’s LIW sends a message that Bethany is being honored rather than sent away where nobody can see her scars, and if Bethany is unable to marry, she still has a position of status and privilege at court. Bethany’s family isn’t happy about the attack at the Sept, but they’re grateful she at least survived. And since they have close ties to Alicent and Otto, they’re willing to be less grumbly than the Baratheons and Starks.

Otto gives zero credence to things like prophecy, so he is worried Viserys might be suffering a mental decline/break. This especially concerns him after Viserys has publicly declared that as king, his word is law (re: the fostering, but Otto is also thinking about Viserys keeping Rhaenyra as heir).

Otto might not care personally about the smallfolk, but he definitely appreciates the power of popular appeal, which Jace and Aegon have in spades. Otto sees that Aegon has a natural instinct for certain aspects of politics, and he’s frustrated that Aegon refuses to engage unless it’s by accident or at Jace’s behest. Otto knows what Aegon is like, so he pushes all the right buttons to trigger Aegon and motivate him to act.

A lot of Jace’s hangups about food are because of her fear of moon tea. But she wants to overcome that mental roadblock so she can continue with her life, and now moon tea is beneficial rather than harmful. She’ll probably still have some trouble with drinking it, but Aegon will be there to help her, and they’ll probably learn about/invent other contraceptive methods to double up on protection.

Aegon is willing to commit war crimes for Jace and she knows it, but she’s too lawful good to take advantage.

So many commenters were rooting for future Alyssa x Elenar! And at least one person suggested Elenar having a polygamous marriage with both Alyssa and Viserra (Daemon would love that lol). We shall see what happens! The kids are still developing their personalities.

Daemon resigned himself to Jace/Aegon a while ago, and now he’s spying a new opportunity to potentially get his blood on the throne one day 👀. Which means it behooves him to play nice with Aegon, who is understandably suspicious of Daemon being nice to him. I also think Daemon, after his growth arc in the Handbook, would like for his daughters/stepdaughters to have some semblance of happiness. And now that he’s begrudgingly admitted to himself that the Targbros aren’t so bad, he’s kind of insulted that Viserys is just handing out royal princes to any house willy-nilly.

“Much sorrow, many tears.” I haven’t seen Queen Charlotte but I have seen the memes of Charlotte going “sorrows, prayers” constantly. If you’re wondering whether there’s a connection…yes.

Viserys was 100% a snitch when he was growing up.

Joff didn’t have a real first meeting with Elenar. She passed out in the birthing room, and then she had her Exorcist moment that night. She just wants to meet her nephew without any drama 🥺.

Aegon isn’t particularly interested in magic in the first place, and he knows that way lies madness, so he decides the possible benefits of digging for more info aren’t worth the trouble. He’s had two months to let his anger settle and mull over the events. If the candle is the reason for Joff’s behavior, and if Joff is willing to put the candle aside, then he’s willing to move forward and carefully allow her interaction with Elenar as she regains his trust that she won’t act like that again.

Joff can be really sneaky about her words and actions, but she has a pretty strong personal code of conduct. If she did something wrong, she’ll own it, and if she makes a promise, she’s keeping it—which is why she’s so sneaky about it in the first place.

Viserys is not a good father, but generally it IS a father’s duty to arrange a good marriage for his daughter, which is arguably what he did for Helaena. But anyone who knows Helaena’s preferences (so definitely not Viserys) knows that she would hate a marriage taking her away from her family (and Rhaena) and forcing her to have a bunch of children.

It could be argued that it’s unwise for Viserys to wed a female dragonrider outside of the house, and this is true. But options for Helaena’s husband are limited. There are very few Targ princes in this universe. As for the other Valyrian families, the Celtigars are still kinda in disgrace from the Clement incident, and the only Velaryon men are from cadet branches like Vaemond’s sons, who have no inheritance worthy of a king’s daughter. The other option is for Helaena to remain unwed, which is her preference, but Viserys is trying to play politics 😒. At least he could address the dragon issue by declaring that none of Helaena’s children are permitted to have eggs or claim dragons—if he thinks of doing so.

Joff and Daeron are the little siblings trying desperately to keep up with their older siblings, and Aegon is NOT having it.

Before Joff and Daeron were born, Luce was the baby of the royal nursery, so she spent a lot of her early years running after the others. Then after the Driftmark funerals, Aemond and his siblings left with their parents for KL while Rhaenyra and her daughters stayed longer—only for Luce and her sisters to realize they weren’t returning home to KL but moving to Dragonstone. Then of course there was Aemond’s first trip to the Stepstones (I don’t think Luce even had a chance to say goodbye that time). Then when she was fostering at Driftmark, Aemond visited often but had to leave at the end of every visit. So Luce has developed a bit of a complex where she feels like Aemond is always going somewhere and she can’t go with him.

I realized that Aemond ended up being a very important secondary relationship for Aegon in this fic, so I wanted to make sure they got one last scene together. Daeron is also Aegon’s brother but he’s much younger, whereas Aemond has been his partner in crime for most of his life 🥲.

Aegon is actually pretty decent at planning logistics for his schemes. There’s this scene with the council, and earlier in the fic there was the raid on the warehouse, and in the Handbook I feel like he had a strong role in plotting the elopement.

“I am, as ever, your obedient son.” Aegon is so damn sassy in that moment 😭.

Viserys had put all of his children where he thought they belonged in his masterplan (kinda like how he puts all the pieces in his model of Valyria exactly where he thinks they belong), but Aegon (whom Viserys is quick to blame) has upended the board. Now Viserys is wondering if he needs to be worried about what Aegon will be up to in the future…

Is the white raven announcing the end of summer a symbol? 👀👀👀 Honestly this day is probably one for the history books. End of summer, Prince Aemond departs for the Stepstones, Aegon’s nameday, and a new dragon hatches.

The hatchling mostly resembles Sunfyre (like how Elenar mostly resembles Aegon), but with some sunrise coloring as the culmination of all the sun/morning symbolism throughout the fic. The blue eye is like a sign from the universe that even though Aemond is away, he’s still with his family in spirit 🥲.

Songs to Vibe to While You’re Mourning Unus Annus

Not a playlist or anything, just...a couple of songs that might help with catharsis and mourning. 

I’m not an artist or any sort. I don’t really write anymore. Even so...I do listen to a lot of music that’s cathartic. I’m not even sure if I picked the right ones, because I’m notoriously bad at extracting the correct context from...anything, really. But I thought the least I could do is share some of my favorites with you all, in the hopes that it will help those of you who are mourning the loss of the channel grieve and begin to move forward.

All songs are under the cut, along with some sample lyrics hopefully showing why I chose them. (I am going to put a mild trigger warning for suicide ideation and light spoilers for Umineko no Naku Kori ni, if you’re unfamiliar with it and want to see the whole thing.)

1. “Ricordando il passato” - Akiko Shikata (from Umineko no Naku Koro ni)

Riposa, riposa in pace. Nel racconto che ho scritto, puoi volare in libertà. Ecco il mio ultimo incantesimo, affinché la tua luce non conosca ombra.

(I think this song is just a really beautiful farewell in general - both in the context of the VN it comes from and for any lorekeepers - ”How many more mysteries would I have had to solve to save you?”)

2. “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” - Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine, someday you will die But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied And illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

(For some reason this song brings the “Unus” and “Annus” personas to mind. I’m not sure why. But there’s a very black/white image that comes to my mind when I hear the song and lyrics.)

3. “The Day That I Die” - Good Charlotte

We took a drive and We drove through DC To see the places we lived Long conversations We talked of old friends And all the things that we did Summer nights Drunken fights Mistakes we made Did we live it right?

You know the happiest day of my life I swear the happiest day of my life Is the day that I died

(Picked this mostly for the Goodbye livestream - talking about the things they did and saw, how the year went for them, that sort of thing.)

4. “Goodbye to a World” - Porter Robinson

Thank you, I'll say goodbye soon Though its the end of the world, Don't blame yourself now And if its true, I will surround you and give life to a world That's our own

(Another one for the “Goodbye” stream - my understanding of the original song is that it’s about an MMORPG whose server is shutting down. Which reminds me a lot of what happened at the end of the stream.)

5. “Say Uncle” - Vienna Teng

These days everyone cries, "say uncle" I retrieve the memories quickly as I can Add them to the portrait we all draw in our minds Your body gone, we shall keep the man

(What we have to do going forward - remember it and talk about the good times. Nothing’s ever really gone, if we remember it.)

6. “Shelter” - Porter Robinson

I could never find the right way to tell you Have you noticed I've been gone? 'Cause I left behind the home that you made me But I will carry it along

And it's a long way forward, so trust in me I'll give them shelter, like you've done for me And I know, I'm not alone, you'll be watching over us Until you're gone

(I’ve been seeing a lot of sentiments going around that this has inspired other people to do their own “Unus Annus” - to put everything they have into something they’re passionate about. For some reason I thought of this song.)

7. “Thank you for being born” - Dai (from Umineko no Naku Koro ni”

(An instrumental - the vocal version of this song is about a mother singing to her daughter and her relationship to her. Honestly, the title is the biggest sentiment here - the gratitude so many people expressed that this existed at all. The music just carries it.)

Bonus Track:

8. “Hope” - Dai (from Umineko no Naku Kori ni)

(Again - seeing a lot of people being inspirted 

Superhero Part 3 (nalu fanfiction)

Yo so what’s good, this is Superhero Part 3 but like...what I wanted to write is a longer idea which in no way I could have written with one post. So basically there’s gonna be a part 4 and possibly a part 5. If you read this and think, “wait, how is this related to Superhero?” it’ll all start to make more sense with the upcoming chapter(s).

*********

“Congratulations, your highschool days are officially over! Please leave already!” Everyone’s graduation caps flew up as people cheered with excitement, joy, and jubilation. The caps came down in a flurry onto the ex-students. The celebration continued, everyone too caught up in the moment to make a complaint.

Lucy and I did our secret handshake to celebrate while everyone screamed and hugged and cried and leapt for joy. Through our entire lives, we always knew it would happen one day but now it was real. Neat, I guess.

“We did it, we did it, we did it,” Lucy chanted jovially with a sing-song tone. She was the fourth in our class.

“We did it,” I nearly wept with relief.

“This is the start to a whole new chapter of our lives!”

“tHiS iS tHe sTaRt tO a wHoLe nEw cHaPtEr oF oUr LiVeS,” I mocked her. “Lucy, you realize you’re gonna wake up tomorrow and you’re gonna feel zero different and then feel dumb for acting all cliché at your graduation.”

“I hate you!” Lucy whined, hands on her hips. “Why can’t you just let me enjoy the moment for once?”

“What moment? We’re graduating! Why are we all pretending that we liked school? You know how many times I’ve heard people complain about this dumb place?” Giving her a hard time was the best. Her nose always scrunches up and she thinks she looks intimidating, which makes it like 10 times better.

“You are literally the worst, you’re making me want to move to Crocus more and more by the second,” she joked. Freaking Crocus.

“You think you’re soooo much better than me now since you’ve been accepted into Crocus University.”

“No, of course not! Just because it’s the second most prestigious school in the entire world and is extremely hard to get into especially with a scholarship like mine, doesn’t mean that I’m gonna flex that privilege.”

“Very reassuring, thanks,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. It’s not even the best school, it’s the second best. I don’t know why she cares so much. She should just stay here.

“You’re just salty that in less than two months I’m moving hours and hours away,” she said again to tease me, but she wasn’t wrong. There are good universities nearby. Sure, attending Crocus University was a great opportunity for Luce, but she’s leaving everything behind. Even me.

“Yeah, sure. Maybe when you’re gone I can finally get myself a girlfriend,” I said.

“That’s as likely as you attending Crocus University,” Lucy giggled. “It’s the second best university in the entire world, just a quick reminder. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m going there.”

“All bow for Lucy Heartfilia!” I’d miss our little banter.

“You’re kinda right though, I’m over this. Wanna go get wings?” Lucy was bouncing up and down with her typical boundless energy. She’s always so excited and full of happiness.

“Tonight, we eat ‘till we drop.” We bumped fists and left graduation in my truck. I gave her the aux cord and hoped she wouldn’t play trash. To my great fortune, the sweet music by Queen flooded my ears. Lucy grabbed the fake microphone we always kept in the back and began singing along.

“Get your party gown and your pigtail down

And get your heart beating baby

Got my timing right, got my act all tight

It’s gonna be tonight my little school baby”

These are the moments I’ll miss. Her next to me, carefree and happy. It’s not like she’s dying, I don’t know why this is affecting me as much as it is. There’s social media which will keep us connected. And she’ll be happy there. She’s been nothing but excited since the second she read “Congratulations!” on her acceptance letter. I spent all my time hoping she would make it in, so I was surprised by how much my stomach dropped when she read the letter to me.

I need to forget about it right now and savor the time I have left. I sped up, way over the speed limit, and lowered the windows. The wind blew through our hair as we both blurted the lyrics to the next song, Hot Blood by Kaleo. I looked cool as heck, but Lucy’s hair flew in every possible direction because it was so long.

Life is good.

-------------

The airport was freaking huge. It took us forever to find Lucy’s terminal. Maybe this was a sign that she shouldn’t go to Crocus. Stop being selfish, Natsu! I kept reminding myself.

“Flight 442, first class passengers please board.” That was Lucy’s flight. Soon they’d call for coach or economy class, whatever it was called.

“This is actually happening,” Lucy said with an out-of-breath tone. After months and months of excitement, it seemed as if reality just hit her. She looked pale and shaky. “Natsu, I can’t go, I’m not ready-”

“Lucy.” I took a deep breath. “Your dreams are coming true. No one ever feels ready to leap into a new era of their life. It’s the few who leap anyway that are the ones who live their happy lives.” I looked in her eyes and saw the same nervousness that I felt. “This is what you’ve always wanted. There’s nothing more that I could’ve wished for than this opportunity for you. I 100% think that this is a great idea.” I 100% want you to stay home, Lucy. Please don’t listen to a word I’m saying.

“You tryna get rid of me or something?” Lucy laughed while wiping unshed tears from her eyes.

“Am I making it too obvious?” I joked along. Of course I don’t want to get rid of her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that she’s going and about to live her dream. I just... wish I could be a part of it.

“Flight 442, economy class passengers please board,” the annoying flight attendant announced.

“That’s me,” Lucy whispered with a soft smile on her face. She wrapped me into a hug, squeezing tightly. I hugged her back, knowing this was the last one for a long time. Be happy for her, Natsu. Be supportive, stop thinking about yourself. It was our last moments in person together for who knows how long yet I was silent. I couldn’t think of what to say. Think, Natsu! Come on dude! She pulled away from the hug and I saw more unshed tears in her eyes. I knew she wouldn’t cry here, but the second she sat down in that plane she’d let the tears fall loosely.

Lucy picked up her carry on and pulled out her passport and ticket for the attendant to check. I just stood here and watched her like some creep as she waited in the line. Finally, she was about to go through the gate, I think it’s called, when I shouted out:

“Goodbye, Little Luce!”

She turned around and smiled, a gorgeous smile I’d never forget. “Goodbye my Superhero!” Lucy called out with no shame. She was probably too far away to notice the tears streaming down my face.

The plane left 20 minutes ago, but here I was still at the terminal, as if somehow the plane would turn around and she’d come back running into my arms. A boy could dream. It felt like I was mourning Luce, but she wasn’t leaving my life permanently. We’d still talk everyday.

I drove to my apartment. Usually I’d play some sort of music to fill the silence, but today I just wanted the quietness. Both in the car and at my apartment I just contemplated. What would life look like without Lucy?

A week later I’d start learning at some Automotive school nearby to become a mechanic. I’ve already been working on cars for years so it won’t be too much of a challenge.

I grabbed the remote and switched on Netflix. After a bit of scrolling, I found out all of the Indiana Jones movies were on Netflix. “Sweet!” I selected Raiders of the Lost Ark then grabbed blankets, snacks, and drinks for Lucy and I. It was only when I got back to the couch that I remembered Lucy wasn’t there anymore. Force of habit, I guess.

Man, getting used to this is gonna be tough.

———-

*9 months after graduation, 7 months since Lucy left*

The thing that surprised me the most was that I was actually learning a lot in school, I thought I knew everything. A mechanic at the nicest shop around took me in as his assistant. My schedule was full between school and the shop. When I get my certificate in a year and a half, I’d begin working there full time.

Lucy and I used to talk every single day for hours. We‘d constantly text or facetime or snapchat, but both our lives have gotten so busy. We still talk everyday (streaks) but not one conversation hasn’t been cut short due to one of us needing to do something.

“Morning Luce!”

“Good morning! Dude have you seen the trailer for the new Avengers movie?”

“No, it’s out?! I’ll check it out when I get home. Class is starting, I’ll call you later.”

Looking back at these past conversations made me realize how short and choppy they were. That wasn’t either of our intentions but that’s how it was turning out and it just really sucks.

--------

*11 months since graduation, 9 months since Lucy left*

My phone vibrated from the charger when I was watching Brooklyn Nine Nine. I checked it, hoping it wasn’t anything important and I wasn’t called in to work so I could enjoy my day off. It was an instagram notification from Lucy. Apparently she just posted something. After switching my phone off silent, I opened instagram to check it out but was stopped when I got a call from her.

“Sup Luce.”

“Did you see my post on instagram?!” She practically screamed. I turned down the volume a bit.

“You mean the one you just posted literal seconds ago?” She ignored my comment and continued on.

“Check out the post now! Do it! Open Instagram! Like the post so I know you saw it!” I opened up the app and her post was the first one on my feed.

“‘Mark the day, everybody,’” I read, “‘because today is the beginning of Mark and I’s relationship’? Lucy you have a boyfriend?!” She never even told me she was talking to somebody! I know communication has been tough with both of our busy schedules but I didn’t think we were drifting apart so much so that she wouldn’t tell me something like this!

“Yup, he asked me out today. We’ve been talking for a while now, if you know what I mean,” she said with a suggestive tone.

“Congratulations, though I don’t even know who this mystery Mark is.” Making sure to add a laugh so it didn’t look like I was calling her out, I awaited her response.

“If you did know him, you’d love him Natsu. You guys would get along so well.”

“But I don’t know him.” My voice conveyed the frustration that was starting to stir in me, becoming a little louder and more aggressive. Luckily, it was subtle enough for Lucy not to catch.

“Stop being a little wuss,” Lucy joked. “He’s my boyfriend, not yours. You don’t need to know him.” Her tone was so lighthearted, yet I took the words so seriously.

Is that supposed to sting? This whole conversation really just isn’t doing it for me. Not only that, but for some reason now I feel sick too. My gut feels weird. “Well I hope y’all live happily ever after in that dream castle you’d always draw on the back of your tests. Wanna continue this conversation later? I gotta deal with a client for the shop.” I was currently sitting on my couch with a show on Hulu paused.

“For sure, see ya!” And with that, one of the hardest phone calls of my life came to a close. I don’t know how I feel about this Mark guy. Whoever he is, I don’t want Lucy dating him. It’s not my choice, that’s obvious, but I thought she’d at least consult me about whether she should date him. Or, you know, tell me about him! Is our friendship slowly deteriorating? Maybe I’m just thinking about myself too much, or like, being too possessive of a best friend. She doesn’t have to tell me everything. Lucy can do whatever she wants.

I ignored the tight feeling in my chest and continued watching Brooklyn Nine Nine. The episodes passed by but they didn’t register. My thoughts consumed me. Anxiety about my friendship with Lucy just made that already weird chest pain feel worse. I didn’t cry but boy did it feel like I was gonna. Was our friendship dying? All I know for certain now is that I’m the king of overthinking.

***************

As I said earlier, there will be more. Please leave a comment, for real, I legitimately wanna know what’s good and what’s not and how I can fix whatever to make the experience better for y’all.

#4 | casual affair

a/n - based on casual affair by panic! at the disco. i’ve had this idea in mind for like... two months? two and a half? before my catfish gig for sure. postponed it as always, had some free time and no wifi the other day and voila. as always, dedicated to @cosmic-hero75 for reading every single draft I had for this thing. and yeah this is still lowkey awkward but whatever. 

warnings / word count: umm... smut, as always. 4k words. it’s becoming my brand, innit?

Clothes on the floor, hands gripping the white sheets, mouths clashing against each other. Moans, sighs, soft cries and names called out repeatedly, like a mantra. Scratches decorating his back and love bites on your collarbones. Your legs wrapped around his waist, his fingers running through your hair, accompanied by the bittersweet knowledge that you might never see him again. Fingers gripping the bedsheets, knuckles turning white, a hug and the door closing behind him.

The first time you and Van had hooked up was after their All Points East performance. With your friends busy at work, you’d decided to go alone – you weren’t going to miss this. And in spite of your inner romantic wanting to tell the story differently, the truth was, both you and Van weren’t entirely sober.  You’d bumped into him and Larry after their set and offered to buy them a pint. It was sunny in London, and with the buzz you got from a day of live performances, your head was spinning; you felt invincible.

Soon, you and Van found your common ground. Both fresh out of serious relationships, neither of you was looking to get involved. You’d had your heart broken too many times to care for that. And Van, a rock star with a broken heart and the world at his fingertips, was finally learn to take advantage of that. Maybe if life was a fairy tale, you would have fallen in love and changed your mind; he would’ve asked you out, and you would’ve lived happily ever after. But life wasn’t a fairy tale, and neither of you was looking for anything more than immediate gratification.

You’d exchanged numbers anyways, mostly because you enjoyed each other’s company. You were sharp and Van was witty; you weren’t used to finding someone so in tune with your sense of humour. The banter went on and on, and by midnight you were back in his hotel room, his necklace dragging along your bare skin.

***

What you thought was a one-night stand turned into a tradition. Whenever Van was in town he’d call you up and you’d get together, usually at yours. He’d come around with your favourite beer and a cheeky smile, a smile you – like many others before you, you found irresistible. You’d torture him a bit before letting him in and you’d spend the night together, chatting, drinking, and eventually curled up in bed, hands all over each other.

“Hands up,” he mumbled and you obliged, allowing him to take off the t-shirt dress you were wearing. He pressed his lips against your collarbones, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses down your stomach. You could feel him grinning against your bare skin, his fingers stroking your inner thigh, dangerously close to your wetness. You felt your breath hitching as you lost your self-control, devoting every inch of yourself to his touch.

“Van,” you let out of a sigh, eyes rolled back in ecstasy as he focused his tongue on your weak spots. You’d always found it funny how Van seemed to enjoy touching more than he enjoyed being touched, and suspected it was a praise kink he’d never admit. Seeing you, your knees weak and body arching to the touch of his fingertips was enough to drive him wild. Hearing you beg for it, call out his name, was enough to get him rock hard and aching for more. Onstage, he got off people screaming along his lyrics and girls calling out his name. In bed, when it was just the two of you, he wasn’t any different. You found out oddly endearing.

Soon, he started staying the night. You’d share your bed, and for a day at a time, you’d get to wake up to a messy haired, sleepy Van. You’d watch as his eyes fluttered, his freckles brighter in the morning light. He’d pull you closer, almost instinctively, pressing his lips against your bare shoulder. Unlike the night before, those kisses were always softer, almost cautious. As if you’d ever kick him out of your bed.

***

You kept telling yourself it was nothing more than a casual affair. You hooked up when he was in town, and he never stayed over for more than a night at a time. Sure, you’d gotten to know each other, but that was bound to happen; after all, both you and Van were naturally chatty. You’d never met his parents or the rest of the band for that matter, and he’d never met your mates. You’d lived in your little bubble, a night at a time, and when you did, nothing else mattered.

Lucy - your preschool best mate, on the other hand, wasn’t as convinced. “Come on, y/n,” she rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her vanilla latte. “It’s definitely more than just a casual affair. He stays the night, you share childhood stories and make him tea when he wakes up. You’re way past casual at this point.”

“Luce, come on,” you shook your head, “it’s me we’re talking about. Let me talk to the barista long enough and I’ll start sharing childhood stories,” she chuckled, “it doesn’t mean anything. He comes over when he’s in town, we have fun together and he leaves. Sometimes to go on tour, sometimes to… god knows where. I rarely ask. I’m still not looking for a serious relationship and neither is he. It’s just fun.”

“Alright then,” she took another sip. “What would you say if I told you fans are speculating he’s seeing someone? Apparently, there’s this girl in New York. They say they’ve been together for a while now or something along those lines. Of course, it’s just rumours, but –“  

Her voice faded into nothing but background noise as you took a moment to ponder her question. And truth was, there was nothing to ponder. You should’ve been happy for him; you should’ve had some sort of a neural, ‘good for him’type of reaction. Casual affairs are never exclusive and you knew that… and yet, your first reaction was far from joyful. You could feel your heart breaking, aching to call him up and ask if it’s true. If there’s someone else.

And in that moment, you realised Lucy was right. You’d never meant to, but you were falling for him. You were falling for the stupid, charming, beautiful Van McCann, and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

***

You didn’t tell him. Instead, you kept your arrangement going, enjoying the infrequent nights you got to spend together. Knowing Van wasn’t looking to fall in love, you figured some was better than nothing. After all, telling him you’d started developing feelings for him would’ve probably ended your relationship, if you could call it that. Then again, it was Van McCann you were talking about; the man who wrote scruffy love songs and couldn’t imagine not getting married and having kids. Van McCann, the hopeless romantic who kept breaking his own heart, who’d do anything for the ones he loved. If the romantic in you couldn’t stay completely detached, how could he guarantee the romantic in him did?

You kept going back and forth on that, unaware that your dilemma became more and more noticeable. While at first it seemed as if Lucy and you were the only one who could tell there was more than meets the eye, by the third time Van came ‘round yours, even he could tell you weren’t your usual self. And boy, was he oblivious sometimes.

“You alright, love?” he mumbled against your skin, his fingers absentmindedly caressing your bare back. You nodded, and he rolled his eyes. “C’mon, y/n. We’ve spent enough time together. Hate to say I know you ‘nd all, but I do. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” you replied, almost instinctively, and he rolled his eyes once gain. He wasn’t wrong – he did know you, better than you were willing to admit. “Look, I… when we met last summer, we were both fresh out of serious relationships. Don’t think we would’ve bonded the way we did if it wasn’t for that. But…”

You didn’t have to finish that thought. His body tensed, and he nodded. “You want one,” he muttered, and you nodded. “I’m… I’m sorry, y/n,” he took a deep breath, his eyes frantically searching for his clothes. “I’m not ready. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He got dressed and left, not bothering to stay the night, and you didn’t argue. You figured that’s how he would react – after all, life wasn’t a fairy tale. You felt tears streaming down your cheeks as you sat there, on your bed, holding onto a blanket that still smelled like him. You hated the thought of losing him, but you knew it was for the best. And maybe, just me, both you and Lucy were wrong after all; his heart’s been torn apart so many times, and now, perhaps the boy who wrote scruffy love songs and believed in love was torn apart, too.

***

The healing process was a strange one. In an attempt to avoid anything that reminded you of him, the first thing you did was put your Catfish records in your under-bed storage, which evidentially proved itself useless. Apparently, it’s hard to avoid someone who’s an international rock star and keeps performing in festivals nationwide. You didn’t block him, even though you probably should have, but you did duck his calls and texts. You had nothing to say to each other.

The next step – quite possibly Lucy’s favourite, was a rebound. She was a big believer in rebounds, as much as she believed in zero second chances. For men, that is. She was constantly on guard, waiting for the moment you’ll say Van waltzed back into your life. But you didn’t, because he didn’t. The way you saw it, at least he had the decency to stay away from you, even if sometimes you wished he hadn’t. The videos, gig pictures and gifs were definitely not helping. You kept scanning through them, looking for signs of his wellbeing, wondering how he was doing without you. Whether he thought about you, or missed you at all.

And then, came Lucy’s co-worker. She kept insisting you’d make a perfect couple – or, at least, perfect rebound couple. No strings attached, she promised, and you finally gave up and agreed to go out with him. Just one date, no strings attached. You had nothing to lose and everything to gain, and you liked those odds. Especially since with Vans, they were the other way around.

His name was Luke. The first time he called you, he sounded anxious, almost concerned you didn’t want to talk at all before your date. That made you laugh. He seemed to be the antithesis of the confident Van you’d fallen in love with. He asked where you wanted to go, and you’d agreed to meet at a small café down the street. It was the kind of place you’d walked by more times than you can count, yet never went in. To your surprise, he lived in two blocks away, and soon enough you found yourself grabbing your favourite denim jacket and getting ready to go.

***

The place itself was just as adorable on the inside as you thought it would be. With pastel-coloured tables and a wooden floor, it felt more like a newly-designed Barbie’s Dream House than an independent café, but you liked it. Luke met you outside, holding a bouquet of roses he admittedly found cheesy, but you didn’t. As he walked you to your table, you kept thinking how long it’s been since you’ve been on a date. A proper date, that is. And as he pulled your chair back, you realised you kind of missed it.

His green eyes stared at you intently, listening to you. What started out as a conversation about work turned into childhood stories with Lucy, moments in secondary school she’d rather forget and your wildest benders. He prompted you to keep going, asking questions and laughing when appropriate. And as he toasted to your mutual friend for bringing you together, you realised Lucy was wrong. Luke wasn’t the perfect rebound partner, but he would make a damn good boyfriend. Someday.

Even though the café was down the road from your place, he insisted on walking you home. It’s dark, you never know who’s out there, he said. And so, you let him walk you home, your hands deep in your pockets. As you approached your place, you thought you’d seen a familiar shadow move, accompanied by the smell of mint and cigarettes. Your heart skipped a beat as you’d realised where that combination was oh-so-familiar from. Van.

It’s all in your head, y/n, you promised yourself repeatedly. It’s all in your head. You miss him and it’s natural, but whatever it was between you is over. He has no reason to come around, and he didn’t. It’s time to let go.

And so, in a final attempt to let go, you invited Luke in.

***

It took two glasses of wine and a shot of Malibu to get you to admit you didn’t want Luke to stay the night. Perhaps you could’ve said it more nicely – or at all, instead of mumbling something about having to work early the next day, but he quickly caught on and left. No hard feelings, he promised. It’s just a first date. I’ll call you, he added, driving your mind into overdrive over the million-dollar question: did you want him to?

And deep down, you knew the answer was no. Luke was a sweetheart, no doubt, but once again, you found yourself realising you weren’t in the right headspace for a relationship. Except this time, it wasn’t the end of a serious relationship that left you feeling like you weren’t ready, or wondering if you ever will be again.

God, why did relationships have to be so complicated?

A knock on the door forced you to snap out of it, leaving the dilemmas in the half-empty bottle of Malibu on the kitchen counter. Was it Lucy, wanting to know everything about your blind date with Luke? Was it Luke, wanting to know what had gotten into you? Was it your neighbour, fundraising for celling renovations for the pub downstairs, or whatever odd initiative he’d gotten himself into this time?

You opened the door, your heart skipping a beat at the sight in front of you. With a dead look in his eyes and an unfinished pint from the pub he’d walked out on, Van stood in front of you, and you sighed. You’d recognised the glass he was holding – The Black Lion, the pub downstairs. So you weren’t crazy after all, you thought to yourself, an odd wave of satisfaction washing over you.

“Can I come ‘n?” he muttered, and you stepped aside as he stumbled into your place.

“Van, it’s one in the morning. What’re you doing here?” you carefully grabbed the glass out of his hand, putting it aside. He just shook his head and sat down, his back against your kitchen wall. “Van, come on. You haven’t called in months, and now you’re at my doorstep?”

“I….” he looked up, spacing out. “I’m…. drunk,” he finally mumbled. You’d never seen him so drunk he could barely piece together a coherent sentence. In spite of the absurdity of the situation, you found yourself laughing. As if you couldn’t tell he was drunk.  And with him like that, you knew there was no chance for a decent conversation.

So instead, you grabbed his hand, pulling him back up. He mumbled something, but instead, you let your mind focus on the white cotton of his shirt against your skin and the sound of his breath next to you. “C’mon, let’s get you to bed,” you muttered, directing a very disoriented Van to the bedroom with you. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders, dragging his feet on the floor, hardly keeping his balance.

“Thought we weeeeren’t doin’ that ‘nymore,” he mumbled, taking the time to finish the sentence. You rolled your eyes as you closed the bedroom door behind you, watching Van stumbling down on his way to your bed. You followed him, helping him to take off his boots. He closed his eyes, allowing you to take care of him. You left the room for a second, and by the time you came back he was sound asleep on your bed.

You slept on the sofa that night.

***

You woke up with a sore back to the sound of someone stumbling into the kitchen. It took a second before the night before came back in flashbacks: the date you had, how you sent Luke home, drunk Van knocking on your door and crashing on your bed. You looked up and watched as he put the kettle on, rubbing his eyes. Not wanting to wake you up, he tiptoed around the kitchen, and you took a moment to study the man in front of you.

You hadn’t realised just how much you missed his slim figure in your kitchen, or the way he hummed his favourite songs as he made his morning tea. Even when hungover, the way he carried himself was mesmerising and you found yourself smiling, allowing yourself, just for a second, to question his presence there.  

But life wasn’t a fairy tale and you couldn’t allow yourself to ignore that. You got up and he turned around, holding a teabag. “Mornin’, love,” he greeted you, standing still. You couldn’t blame him – how do you greet your ex who isn’t quite your ex, who also happened to stop by drunk and crash on your bed? A hug? A handshake?

With neither of them feeling appropriate, you simply sat down. “Cuppa?” he asked and you nodded. You spent the next few moments in silence as he made two cups of tea, only looking up at him when he stood in front of you, handing you your favourite mug. He remembered. “Listen, y/n –“

“Van, enough. What are you doing here?” you put down your mug, and he sighed. “You were the one who walked away, remember? You have no business being he- “

“I couldn’t bear seeing you with him, okay?” he interrupted you, his words dripping with jealousy. “I came by because I wanted to talk ‘nd he was there, and I couldn’t fuckin’ bear seein’ you with him, alright?”. You’ve never heard Van angry before, yet there he was, his breath irregular and his jaw clenched. You felt your head spinning as the anger built up inside of you.

Van. Van who walked away. Van who didn’t want anything serious, yet had the nerve to get mad at you for simplytrying to move on. “Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t want to be with me, and yet you have the nerve –“

“Well, maybe I made a mistake,” he interrupted you once again, his voice low. “Maybe you’re all I’ve been thinking about. Maybe I can’t get you out of my head. Maybe I should have never walked out your door, y/n.”

You took a long, deep breath, aware of your anger more than ever. You could feel your heart racing and your blood pumping through your veins, yet instead of yelling or walking away like you wanted, you found yourself mumbling through clenched teeth, “maybe I’m over you.”

Well that’s a lie, you thought to yourself as soon as the words slipped out. Of course it was a lie. You were far from being over him – you wouldn’t have let him in otherwise, and he knew that. “Then tell me to leave,” he whispered, his eyes fixed on yours. “I’m serious, y/n. Tell me to leave and I’ll leave.”

But you couldn’t. You couldn’t tell him to leave because you didn’t want him to. The last thing you wanted was for Van to walk out the door, leaving you alone once again. So instead you lurched forward, smashing your lips against his. He wasted no time, cupping your face with both hands as he deepened the kiss. Like a smoker indulging in the taste of nicotine, you wallowed in the taste of his tongue ravaging your mouth. You kissed until you were breathless, holding onto each other.

He pulled away, his lips pink and pupils dilated, and you pulled him back in, wrapping your legs around his torso and arms around his neck as he pressed you against the kitchen table. You kissed until your lips ached, sloppy and desperate, teeth gnashing together. You kissed frantically, lips pulled between teeth. Damn, you’d missed him more than you were willing to admit.

“Arms,” he mumbled against your lips. You lift your arms up and he took off your shirt, throwing it on the floor next to you. He kissed hot and wet down your neck, his hips grinding against yours. You weren’t going to argue – it’s been long enough since the last time you felt him on top, hands and lips desperate to touch every inch of bare skin they could reach. You threw your head back and whimpered as his mouth went to your breasts, eager to make up for the last time.

“Fuck, Van,” you hissed, your hands going straight to his jeans. With his mouth on your nipple and his hand between your thighs leaving you breathless, it took every bit of control you had left in you to unbutton his trousers. After all this time, Van still knew your body like the back of his hand, and if you weren’t so intoxicated by the pleasure washing over you, you would’ve probably found that impressive.  

You watched his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as his fingers helped you remove the clothes between the two of you. With them lost somewhere on the floor and his mouth making its way down your chest and stomach, your body vibrating in anticipation. He pressed his forehead against yours and grinned as he slid two fingers inside of you. Your breathing grew erratic as he worked his way inside of you, focusing on your sweet spot. The intensity of your eye contact enhanced the skilfulness of his fingers, and you could already feel your release building up inside of you.

“More,” you whimpered, aching for more. He knew you well enough to know exactly what you wanted, and boy, was he going to tease you with that.

“What d’you want?” he murmured, his fingers still working deep inside of you. You groaned as he pressed sloppy kisses down your jawline, your stomach turning into an avalanche. Your eyes squeezed shot and you moaned his name as he whispered, once again, “what d’you want, love?”

“You,” you breathed out, hips instinctively pushing forward. “Please, Van, just… fuck me.”

That’s it. You’d said the magic words. Withdrawing his fingers, he took a moment to look at you. With your lips pink and slightly parted, your cheeks red and strands of hair glued to your forehead, he couldn’t help but appreciating how divine you looked. “Fuck, you’re…” he breathed out and smashed his lips against yours, slowly pushing himself all the way in. Your eyes rolled back in pleasure and you could feel every inch of him, every vein, every slight movement. How you could think of being with anyone else was now beyond you.

You begged him to go harder and faster until you could feel him in your stomach, which was kind of fucked but god, you loved it anyways. Then, everything happened all at once, and better than it ever did before. His hands holding down your hips as his thrusts became harder and harder. His necklace dragging across your skin, bright in the kitchen light. Sweat glistening, sloppy hot mouthed kisses and weak knees. Van’s low groans and a string of ‘fuck’s and ‘oh god’s, neck kisses and love bites you would be proud to show off the next day. Your body vibrating in ecstasy as you let go with Van’s eyes fixed on you, mesmerised by the sight of you unravelling underneath him. Van’s mouth falling open as he came, the two of you panting each other’s names until you were completely out of breath. Van, not ready to pull out just yet, enjoying the electricity of your touch and you, not ready just yet to be empty.

When he finally pulled out, you pulled you closer and kissed the top of your head. “Missed you,” he mumbled and you smiled, leaning into his touch. It was soft and intimate and real,more real than any other night you’d spent together.

“I missed you too, Van,” you whispered. “Did you mean it?”

“Mhm. I made a mistake, y/n, and seeing you with him…” he huffed and you chuckled, caressing his cheek. You didn’t need more than that – you know exactly what he wanted to say, and somehow that was enough.

The rest of the night was spent in bed, snuggling and catching up – in every sense of the word, until you finally fell asleep, his arms wrapping your naked body as he pressed his body against yours. You woke up to him caressing your back, planting soft kisses on your shoulder. His hair was messy and the bags under his eyes were prominent, but as he smiled his crooked smile, you couldn’t help but fall in love all over again.

You knew he wanted to take things slow, and you didn’t mind. Life wasn’t a fairy tale – it was complicated and risky and full of obstacles and absolutely wonderful. You had a lot to talk about and even more to figure out and you both knew it, but that could wait another day. In that moment, you were just happy the boy who wrote scruffy love songs and believed in love decided to give it another chance after all.

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My ex
2. Are you outgoing or shy? Depends
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My crush 😍
4. Are you easy to get along with? Sometimes
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Idek probably
6. What kind of people are you attracted to? My crush 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Eh…Hopefully
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? My crushhhhh
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Pfft no way have you seen my blog?!
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Can’t remember
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Good morning xx
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? I have too many
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? I like it when they pull it😏😉
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Well I’m not sure
15. What good thing happened this summer? I went to London so many times and met some amazing people
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Idk
17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yeeee
18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Pfft no
19. Do you like bubble baths? Yes!
20. Do you like your neighbors? Never spoke town but they’re fucking noisy
21. What are you bad habits? Breathing.
22. Where would you like to travel? America
23. Do you have trust issues? SEVERELY
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
 Eating and sleeping 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Everything
26. What do you do when you wake up? Try go back to sleep
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Don't
28. Who are you most comfortable around? My brother from another mother Harrison
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yep
30. Do you ever want to get married? Don’t know I’ll probably be dead before then
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yes
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Probably Phan
33. Spell your name with your chin. LIVy
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
 I don’t but I love swimming 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? WITHOUT TV OMG
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? I don’t know actually 
37. What do you say during awkward silences? I just walk off or scream or say quack
38. Describe your dream girl/guy? My crush
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Wherever there’s bleach
40. What do you want to do after high school? Die
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? I guess
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m ipset or thinking or just tired
43. Do you smile at strangers? No
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Ocean because I’m already high 24/7
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My phone over the other side of the room
46. What are you paranoid about? Everything
47. Have you ever been high? All the time
48. Have you ever been drunk? A lot
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Yeah
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black 
51. Ever wished you were someone else? Always oo I’m so insecure yay
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? Everythinggggg
53. Favourite makeup brand? Don’t even care anything that’s dark
54. Favourite store? Although it’s not in England hot topic
55. Favourite blog? Doddleoddle, Hedyweddy, Danisnotonfire and amazingphil 
56. Favourite colour? Black ITS A SHADE
57. Favourite food? EVERYTHING
58. Last thing you ate? CHicken
59. First thing you ate this morning? Haven’t eaten yet
60. Ever won a competition? For what? Best suicide tactic
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Mood
62. Been arrested? For what? Nope
63. Ever been in love? I’m in love right now it’s painful
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? MY FIRST KISS WEENT A LITTLE LIKE THIS it was behind a car
65. Are you hungry right now? Fuck I’m always hungry
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? What are friends?
67. Facebook or Twitter? Idk
68. Twitter or Tumblr? Idk
69. Are you watching tv right now? No
70. Names of your bestfriends? My bed, a rope, bleach, knives
71. Craving something? What? Food and my crushes dick
72. What colour are your towels? Black and red
72. How many pillows do you sleep with? Too many
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? One
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Too many
75. Favourite animal? Wolf
76. What colour is your underwear? Black
77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Depends
78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Everything
79. What colour shirt are you wearing? I’m not wearing a shirt
80. What colour pants? Not wearing pants either
81. Favourite tv show? Orange is the new black
82. Favourite movie? Too many
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean girls
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Damien omg slay queen
 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Ngl Bruce
87. First person you talked to today? Crush 
88. Last person you talked to today? Idk
89. Name a person you hate? A whore called Jodie 
90. Name a person you love? My crush
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Jodie.
92. In a fight with someone? Yes.
93. How many sweatpants do you have? Literally like one
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? TOO MANY
95. Last movie you watched? Don't remember
96. Favourite actress? I forgot her name but the one that plays Hermine granger in Harry Potter 
97. Favourite actor? Probably Jim carrey 
98. Do you tan a lot? Mope
99. Have any pets? A cat and two lizards
100. How are you feeling? Shit
101. Do you type fast? Depends
102. Do you regret anything from your past? I regret my entire life.
103. Can you spell well? Sometimes
104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes.
105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes.
106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes.
107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes.
108. What should you be doing? Fucking my crush
109. Is something irritating you right now? That my crush isn't in bed with me
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? I do right now
111. Do you have trust issues? MASSIVELY
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My crush I think
113. What was your childhood nickname? Luce
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yeee
115. Do you play the Wii? No
116. Are you listening to music right now? No
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yes
118. Do you like Chinese food? UTS MY FAVOURITE OMFG YES
119. Favourite book? TABINOF and DAPGO
120. Are you afraid of the dark? I am the dark
121. Are you mean? Sometimes, usually median but whatever
122. Is cheating ever okay? Depends
123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Fuck no
124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Oooooh yes
125. Do you believe in true love? Yup
126. Are you currently bored? Very
127. What makes you happy? My crush
128. Would you change your name? Yes
129. What your zodiac sign? Aquarius
130. Do you like subway? YES OMG
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Scream
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Don't know
133. Favourite lyrics right now? I have too many
134. Can you count to one million? Probably
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Open 
137. How tall are you? Idk
138. Curly or Straight hair? Wavy
139. Brunette or Blonde? Originally brunette I'm now Blonde
140. Summer or Winter? Either
141. Night or Day? Night
142. Favourite month? Idk
143. Are you a vegetarian? No
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk
145. Tea or Coffee? TEA LORD
146. Was today a good day? It's only the morning but I can tell already it'll be shit
147. Mars or Snickers? Mars
148. What’s your favourite quote? "Drink bleach"
149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? You know? I would but I can't be arsed getting up

the nostalgia of the childhood whimsy i used to feel when i listened to this song just kicked me in the face

SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR PILLS GIVE ME SOMETHING MORE FOR MY IMAGINATION <33

I WANNA BE A BOTTLE BLONDE I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I FEEL CONNED

i am risking everything (ie my pride and honor) by posting this rn BUT i feel that my new chuuya playlist is my magnum opus so here

if youre looking at these songs going "huh i dont think these work for chuuya at all" SHHHH you didnt see this. also at least three of these songs are here PURELY for corruption and nothing else

ALL THE OTHER KIDS WITH THE PUMPED UP KICKS YOU'D BETTER RUN BETTER RUN OUTRUN MY GUN

CAUSE IIII AMMM A TRUE ROMANTIC FREEEEE FALLLING LOVE ADDICT

PINEAPPLES ARE IN MY HEADDDD GOT NOBODY CAUSE IM BRAIN-DEADDD

ado music literally goes so hard

BURNNNN THROUGHH MYYY LOVE JUST LIKEEEE YOUR DRUGS I'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OR LACKKKK THEREOF

ITS ALRIGHT WE'LL SURVIVE CAUSE PARENTS AINT ALWAYS RIGHT