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brighttears · 9 months

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Breaking Glass

Joel Miller x f!reader

No use of y/n, no physical description except for female sex organs and having hair

Summary: It takes a close call on a run outside of Boston for Joel to realize that he needs to finally tell you the truth—he’s in love with you.

Word count: 7.7k

Warnings: pining (Joel, resolved), violence, description of being cut (brief and metaphorical), smut (minors dni), unprotected PiV, cunnilingus, creampie, dirty talk, pet names (sweetheart, baby, darling, good girl)

A/n: WOOOO finally i wrote something. this took way longer than i thought it would. BIG THANKS to my lovely bestie @bejeweledblueberries for being my beta reader <<<<33333 (btw the smut is p much unedited) (also the cover photo is so lq but its such a pretty picture so)

—

“You ready?” You ask, grabbing your gun to tuck into your waistband, flipping your shirt over where it sits on your back to conceal it.

Joel does not like being in Boston, but he can’t say he’s ever excited to leave—leaving means danger, extra danger, more than what you’ll find within the QZ; infected, for one, but not only. And though he feels safe with you and your weaponry at his side, he does not like going outside the QZ with you. However, the two of you have agreed that him going out without you is just as acceptable as you going out without him, and there are things out there you can’t get anywhere else, and you need a generator.

Joel looks you over while you rustle through your backpack and then slip it on. You’re so beautiful, he wants to say, but he won’t.

From the moment you met, Joel felt something shift. Someone had introduced you to him as a solid resource, so you did a few deals, and then you became an asset. That was the word Joel stuck with for a while, but when you started going on runs together and sort of teamed up as traders, Joel found something more growing. Shoving it down worked adequately well, though, so Joel felt relatively safe. Nonetheless, the feelings have continued to simmer, but he’s been able to keep them contained.

If he had his way, right now he would take your bag off of you, lay your weapons down, scoop you up, take you into the bedroom, and lay down with you; nothing more, just lay and hold you safe with him. But he won’t.

At his silence, you look at him and raise your eyebrows.

“Oh, yeah.” Joel snaps back into it, stealing one last double take before grabbing his own gun to hide like yours and slinging on his pack. You start for the door first and Joel follows you down the noisy, dingy hallway.

The afternoon sun is harsh outside and the streets are bustling, but you have a learned path that you follow to sneak out past the walls.

Once out, the din of the QZ trails behind you for only a short time before being replaced by chirping birds, the rustling leaves of the green trees, and refreshing flora. A subtle peace falls over the two of you as you pull away, but a dismal tone intrudes as you venture out further into the ruins of the former world. Many things are left exactly as they were, but broken, dilapidated, decayed—visibly abandoned in the chaos of that final fateful day. Joel diverts his gaze when you pass an empty stroller, a faded pink blanket dirty and rumpled on the ground in front of it.

The goal is a generator, and Joel turns his attention back to the search for any place you might be able to find one; there’s supposed to be a hardware store around here somewhere. You pass clothing stores, grocery stores and drugstores, a jewelry shop, and restaurants, all overcome by nature, with ivy snaking through broken windows to crawl onto ceilings, welcome mats covered with moss, any hanging plant holders a waterfall of colorful flowers with curly, verdure tails. Mother Earth has come back as queen decorator and with her new freedom has wasted no space.

After walking for a while, you pause in front of an upscale restaurant, and Joel slows to a stop, coming to your side to look in with you. The inside is open to view from the large wooden frames missing their glass. The wood interiors are rich but mostly wrecked by water damage. Every table is still set up with plates, silverware, folded cloth napkins, and large wine glasses, though all dirty and dusty. Liquor bottles sparkle in the sunlight on the back wall’s bar.

After a moment, Joel looks at you and asks, “Watchu thinkin’ about?”

You hum a sigh, then turn to him with a wishful smile, “I just bet their food was sooooo good,” you laugh. Joel smirks and then gives into a smile as he watches yours. Inevitably, his mind wanders to taking you out there, you in a tight dress, he with cufflinks in, clinking glasses with a red rose on the table—

Suddenly, a booming voice calls out, “Hey there, friends, haven’t seen you around these parts!”

You both whip around and, far but still too close, four men are walking towards you. Their clothes are dirty and ripped but their faces are unconventionally cheerful.

The man speaking shows off two broken teeth, gapping his smile. “Oh, look, a gentleman and a lady!”

The hair on the back of Joel’s neck stands. Quietly, he states “Foe.” and raises his gun, but you beat him at the punch, shooting twice and then yelling “Go!”.

Joel instinctively bolts into the restaurant and hears a gruff “Fuck!” as he sprints to the bar at the end of the room. He throws himself around it, quickly pulling out his revolver to cock in his hand on the concrete floor as his back hits hard against the cabinets.

Glass shatters and he ducks his head as the cups from atop the bar blast over his head. At the top of his vision, dozens of shelved liquor bottles burst, pouring reds and golds. Clear vodka drips onto the toe of his shoe at the end of his outstretched leg. It runs cool into his sock as it trails down his boot.

Joel shoots out an exhale and then whips around, throwing his arms over the bar to return fire, but his bullets only batter the wooden tables flipped on their sides, shielding the men set behind them. Joel ducks back and lands just in time for another powerful succession of bullets. A half broken bottle falls and crashes onto the floor and he shuts his eyes and swivels his head, feeling the liquor spray his cheek.

He whirls back over the bar but after only a few shots hears a loathsome clicking. When he crouches down to check the cylinder, he finds it empty.

“Fuck.” Joel grits through his teeth.

Thoughts churn and froth in adrenaline as he slaps over empty pockets, and when a hand lands on his belt, where his knife should be, he looks down at it and realizes he must have forgotten it.

Running the day back through his head, he remembers looking at you right before you left; he must have been too distracted and left it, probably on the table right next to his gun. Joel closes his eyes and hits his head back on the bar. “God damn it.”

Then his eyes shoot back open—where the fuck are you? His heart stops. Where the fuck are you?

Joel shuts his eyes again and realization of his true failure floods through him.

He loves you, but he’s never said a word. Never has a breath of it ever left his lips. Why? The fear that has kept it sealed away seems like complete bullshit compared to the electrocution of fear that shot through him when he realized he’s out of bullets. He had been afraid of living. He sees that now.

Behind his eyes, he sees you.

The first image that flows into his mind is your smile—something hard to find in the Boston QZ, something that took a long time to see, and something that knocked the breath out of him the first time he saw it. He had watched your lips broaden in slow motion, revealing teeth in a perfect curve. He’d made you laugh. He tried making jokes a lot more often after that, and started becoming familiar with your dazzling smile in return.

He remembers the first time you went on a run together; you had snuck out early in the morning to split through between guard’s shifts when the sun was still rising, gold in the divine forestry of the world beyond gray walls. There was a moment where the sun perfectly framed your profile, highlighting the curve of your nose, your lips, your brow, your lashes; the image is etched in his memory.

One day, out in the streets, some Firefly approached him when he was really not in the fucking mood for it, and right when he took a step forward, tensing to throw a punch, you had grabbed his hand. It was the first time you’d touched, and it brought him down immediately. It didn’t calm him, distracted him more like it, but he let you drag him away. One look from you told him to quit it and he followed obediently behind you while you led him back to his apartment. Mesmerized, he watched the swish of your hips the whole way back. In front of his building you told him, “You need to learn how to pick your battles, Joel. He wasn’t worth your punch.” He objected, you returned, “Figure out what’s important and put that zeal of yours into that.”

He thought on that for a long time, it was the precursor to his realization that he’s in love with you. He barely slept the night he did. When you showed up at his door the next morning, he was tongue tied. You asked him what was wrong, he told you he’d barely slept. When you asked why, he admitted he’d just been thinking about what you said, about figuring out what’s important, but when you asked him what conclusion he had come to, he lied. He felt completely unable to tell you then.

After that day, Joel debated almost habitually if he’d ever tell you. That’s when the fantasies started. Torture came with it, too—he was so very torn, so full of longing; it was like he’d been cut, his love for you was like a wound, in such deprived circumstances. He was too afraid of losing his only friend, and to be left behind with a gash of unreciprocated love. The longing deepened quickly, but he grew to tolerate it; he needed you around, whether it was exactly how he wanted it or not. No matter what, he just didn’t want to lose you, and that fear kept the lips of his heart sewn shut.

Once there was a time when you had arranged to meet up and you opened your door to meet him with a black eye, split lip, and a bent posture. A protective hand hovered over the side of your ribs while you stepped aside for him to enter your apartment. Joel stumbled over “Are you okay?” and “Who did this to you?”, pulled both further into your apartment and back out to beat the fucker’s ass, but you sat him down and kept him locked there when you begged him to stay—“Just stay here, okay? Please don’t go out there to start a fucking brawl in the street, that’d be stupid—you’d get teamed up on or busted by some FEDRA guard, I don’t want to get you lookin’ like me or locked in a cell or whatever the fuck—it’s just not worth it, okay? Just, please stay here.”

So he did, all day, and you let him clean you up better than you had yourself. He focused his gaze more than he has even when shooting a gun when you lifted your shirt up so he could check the damage to your ribs. It wasn’t all that difficult with that bruise though, black and blue with flecks of red, threatening tears in his eyes. He almost told you that day.

Still too scared. He needed this moment now, because now he might really lose you.

The raspy voice of one of the men trapping Joel takes him out of his head, “Haven't heard any shots outta you in awhile, you outta bullets, fuck face?” He cackles, shrill and ruthless, “You’re fucked now, huh?” He cackles again, ugly and evil. The laugh itself sounds like that of a killer.

“Come on out, we’ll spare ya!” Another shouts.

“Yeah, don’t worry, we’re real gentlemen, we don’t shoot unarmed men!” A third adds and they all laugh.

“Gotta come out sometime!”

He’s right. Panicked, Joel glances around, looking for something to use. All there is is broken glass—useless from this position.

“Shit.”

This quick run outside the walls, where he foolishly guessed he’d only need one gun, has turned into a shootout, and he’s lost track of you. The possibility of you having been killed ties Joel’s chest up tight as a noose.

Then, three shots but no breaking glass, a man’s agonized scream, another shot, and quiet. Joel’s breathing does not calm and he remains flustered until your voice breaks the silence.

“Joel?”

Immediately, he shoots up to see you standing in the doorway of the restaurant, gun still raised, pointed off to the side at a slumped body. Your chest heaves and your hair is disheveled.

“Are you okay?” You call out as he’s already holstering his gun and swinging around the bar. He basically charges at you, flooded with relief just at the sight of you. Then you collide, and Joel wraps his arms around you impulsively, his lips almost touching your shoulder with his nose on your neck. Joel closes his eyes, breathing in deeply with his cheek firmly against your skin and letting his arms squeeze you. Enveloped in you, his surroundings fall away, and all he wants is to hold you.

A near death experience is often something that knocks some sense into people and Joel just hopes to god he can keep this fresh courage long enough to get home to finally tell you that he loves you, because there will come another time when he is fucked, doomed, out of bullets, and you may not be there, and he will die with a mouth full of regret. He doesn’t let go of you.

“Joel, are you okay? Hey, hey, are you ok?” You put your hands on his shoulders, lightly pushing him away, but he doesn’t release you, nor does he open his eyes, wanting to just feel you and listen to you breathe.

“Yeah, I’m ok.” He murmurs against you.

“Joel,” you say softly, then move your hands from his shoulders to instead wrap them around him, resting your chin on his shoulder and brushing your hands up and down his back slowly. Joel feels your chest expand and contract with a deep breath. After a few moments, you whisper, “We have to go. It’s not safe here.”

Joel takes one more inhale of your scent before reluctantly loosening his grip. He pulls back slowly, letting his hands shift down, stilling on your forearms to hold you before him. He looks over your face, idling, a dreamy haze over his mind, almost dizzy from the adrenaline rush wearing off and the sleepiness of love.

Your lashes flutter and a smile tugs at the corners of your lips. Your thumbs circle over where they rest on his biceps. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“We really should go.”

Joel doesn’t answer. You’re right, but he’s afraid to move, afraid that if he lets go, of you and of this moment, his fervor for truth will stay here, and he’ll leave it behind and stay silent. But should he risk staying here and Infected showing up, having heard all the gunfire, or if the recently deceased have friends not far behind?

Finally, he nods. As you turn and start toward the door, Joel’s hands, still not ready to let go of you, trail down your arms. One slips down into your hand and you look back at him, grow a smile and curl your finger to hook in his, tugging lightly to pull him behind you.

And then you’re off. There’s no real room for conversation as you leerily duck and weave your way back to the QZ, but Joel forces the prior moments to run through his mind like a film. He is determined to grip this chance, thinking again and again of how he almost left you behind in this world without you knowing the truth about his feelings for you.

When you reach the QZ, only barely making it before curfew when the guards will begin rolling through with their bright flashlights and loaded guns, you slip quietly through the streets before finally making it to the apartment you share.

Only recently had you began living together, decidedly mostly out of convenience, since you go on runs together so frequently and have the same goal of leaving Boston—Joel has a brother out there somewhere, and you would simply like to get the fuck out of this cesspool that used to be Boston. Also because you get along so well, and well, he loves you, and he likes to be around you as much as possible.

Decorating isn’t really something that exists in the QZ; belongings typically consist of necessities and maybe a few little personal indulgences, such as the butterfly window hanging that Joel couldn’t help himself from getting for the place. You arrived with your life in two bags. Nevertheless, your mark has trailed into his apartment, and somehow, the air feels a little cleaner with you there.

Because you came to him, your bed is technically the pullout couch, but since his is much bigger, whenever you arrive home after him at night, he’s already on the pullout, forcing you into the more comfortable, actual bed.

Every morning that Joel’s up first, or if he wakes in the night, he takes a moment, or a few, to lean in the doorframe to watch you sleep. He adores how you look when you’re unwound. If it’s in the middle of the night, he is often tempted—no, he aches to crawl in, even just to lay next to you. More frequently though, he fantasizes about moving closer, taking you into his arms, feeling your body against his, your hair in his face, to fill his lungs with your scent, even if it’s just sweat and ash. He imagines the little sound you’d make or the breath you’d let out once you feel him there, your fingers intertwining with his when he closes his hand over yours, you snuggling closer… sometimes he has to pull himself away for a quick dick pulling in the other room. Regardless of how it makes him feel—horny, smitten, quaking with yearning, or just some kind of tangled melancholy, he treasures these quiet moments and tries to memorize the relaxation on your face.

These are not the only times he likes to watch you—sometimes, he’ll just be sitting at the table and you’ll be in the kitchen making coffee or in the living room tinkering with something or other, and he’ll play with ideas of a domestic life. Very secretly, he’ll roll around in the sound of your first name with his last name, or, unfrequently and especially confidently, a wedding.

Joel simply likes seeing you, being near you, and no matter what you’re doing, he adores spending time with you. The only way he can get a splash of contentment is when he’s with you—there’s nothing else here that could do that for him here. Only you, only you, runs through his head often.

Tonight, you’re visibly exhausted as you walk into the apartment before him, dropping your bag on the table—right next to his knife, exactly where he had guessed it was—and rub your hands over your face. They slide down your neck, pausing briefly before falling to your sides. Then you turn to him and ask, “Are you ok?”

He nods, “I’m alright. Are you?”

“I am now, yeah,” you chuckle, “now that we’re back and I know you’re ok. What happened back there?”

Joel shrugs, “Ran outta bullets.” He chuckles sheepishly.

“Oh.” you laugh. “Shit, yeah, you were three on one. I was around the corner fighting off one of those fucks. It was a knife fight though, usually takes a little longer.” Suddenly, you throw your hands to your head, “Fuck, I’m–I’m sorry I didn’t get there sooner, I mean, you needed backup and I… took so long to fucking—”

“No, no,” He puts his hand out to stop you, his brow pinching up, “no, don’t worry about it sw—” he pauses, clearing his throat to pull back in ‘sweetheart’—maybe he’d been thinking about his feelings too much on the way back—“don’t go blamin’ yourself. You didn’t do anythin’ wrong. We got ambushed, that’s jus’ how it goes. I’m jus’ glad you’re alright—” Joel then paces over to you, scanning your face and body, “you sure you’re alright? Did’n’ get nicked or somethin’? Don’t hide that shit from me, you know,”

“No, I’m fine. Maybe a couple scratches and bruises, but that’s it.” As he turns you, leaning in to check your back, you chuckle, “I’m fine, Joel.”

“You sure?” He asks again, quietly when he returns in front of you, turning your face from side to side with his fingers lightly along your jaw.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

As he looks over your face, he gets caught in your eyes, almost doelike with a sweet smile. He swallows hard, suddenly realizing your proximity.

“Okay.” He almost whispers.

Your lips twitch, you blink, and he swallows hard again, then lets go of you and steps back.

You blow out an exhale, looking around. “There’s a box of bullets in my bag you can grab, I gotta wash this off,” you tell him as you walk backwards into the kitchen, then take your blade out of its sheath and turn to the sink. Joel moves to the table, slowly unzipping your bag, pulling out the box, and reloading his gun. His heart rate has picked up because he feels that now is the time and fuck, here it is, and he has to do this, it’s what he’d been promising himself he’d do the whole way back. His anxiety reassures him that this is his one chance; that damning fear is close to overtaking him again, and he can’t let it this time.

Joel plods over to lean against the counter next to the sink.

As you run your knife under the water, you glance at him with a light smile. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He copies nervously.

You glance at him again, then shut the water off, wipe the blade on your shirt, and resheath it on your hip. Leaning your hands over the edge of the sink, you shift your weight to one hip and turn your head to him. “What’s up?”

Joel meets your gaze and takes a deep breath. The broken sink continues to drip, clinking into the drain. “Well I,” he starts, “well, thank you, for… y’know.”

“You don’t need to thank me.” You chuckle.

“No, I mean, I know, I just… wanna thank you anyway. But, that’s not….” Joel takes another deep breath, stalling. “Uhm… well, I just… that was… that was a close call.” You nod, looking down. “And I’m… really glad… well… ok, listen.” You look back up at him but then he has to look back to the floor to gather his thoughts. “That was a close call.” He begins again. “I’ve had a few, but haven’t had one like that in awhile. You…” saved me. Not just then, you’ve been saving me for a long time. Joel clears his throat and takes another finalizing exhale, forcing the truth out with it, “You know what they say about… near death experiences I guess, where people get uh, moment of clarity, when they see everythin’ they regret doin’? Well, I think that could count as a near death experience, cause I was thinkin’... I mean, y’know, I got a lotta things I regret, but the one that was on my mind, just for a second, before you came in and saved my dumbass,” Joel looks up at you to smirks and you return one. “Well…” Joel’s smirk fades and as his eyes travel over your face his heart swells. Confidence and fear mix like water and oil within it, but the persistence he’d been cultivating surfaces and urges him to continue. “Well, I was thinkin’ about you.” Your head tilts slightly and your eyes soften, the corner of your lip pulled up slightly. “I was thinkin’ about how… I never told you that uh,” Joel looks down and nervously scratches his eyebrow. “I–I’m… in love with you.” He puts his hand on his hip, the other leaning on the counter, keeping his eyes down. Your hands clench the edge of the sink. His heart flees with pattering beats. The faucet drips its endless drip.

At least you know. At least you know, he thinks to himself. He hadn’t built any expectations of what you might say, he can’t say he’s ready if you reject him, and he hasn’t thought far enough ahead to what he’d do if you do. He just needs you to know.

Joel watches your fingernails turn white pressed against the silver of the sink and feels his heartbeat punching in his chest. This is his moment of truth. He knows that one way or another, nothing will be the same now; if this is the end between the two of you, he will never let himself share a truth like this ever again. He will leave Boston tomorrow and never look back.

Finally, he looks up at you for some kind of tell, his lips parted, brow anxiously knitting together, but your eyes are locked unrevealingly on the drain. “Do you—could you—I mean, i–is that ok?”

“This is something you planned on taking to the grave?” You ask, finally turning to him with still unrevealing eyes.

Joel rubs his hand on his forehead, closing his eyes, shamefaced. “…I did. I jus’… I don’t wanna ruin everythin’.” He shakes his head. “Look, y’know, I really like you, I mean I lo–I love you, but, but, I jus’, y’know… like bein’ around you. I like everythin’ about you, I like talkin’ to you, I mean I feel like I can talk t’you. An’ I mean, we work pretty well together,” glancing at you, he adds, “don’t’y’ think?” He moves his hand to rub the back of his neck. “I think you’re so,” Joel looks back to the floor, finishing quietly and awkwardly, “beautiful… and I jus’… don’t wanna lose you. An’ back there… I thought I was gonna. I mean, I was gonna lose eveyrthin’, I was gonna lose my life, an’ I felt so… jus’… full of regret. That I never told you. I hope I show it, that’s the import’n thing. But I jus’ thought it was import’n that… you knew that I love you. An’ you’re worth lovin’. An’ I jus’ felt like you should know.” He concludes.

“Well… I’m glad you told me.” This makes Joel look up and is met with a light smile. This time, your eyes are soft. You pull your lips in briefly before continuing, “I really like you too. I mean, I really like living with you and… I really like spending time with you and talking to you. You’re the first friend I’ve had in awhile,” you chuckle, “and… I feel safe around you.” Joel breathes deeply. You feel safe around him, one of his deepest desires come true. I’ll keep you safe forever. Just stay with me forever, and I’ll keep you safe forever. I’ll love you forever. “And… I just really like you, and I’m… I love you too.” You breathe out, “I love you Joel,” and your eyes are on his lips and you turn to him, fall into him and you kiss.

You taste sweet and you’re in his arms again and your fingers tangle in his hair and you grip his shirt. Joel’s hand holds your bicep and then the back of your neck and his arm wraps around your waist. “I love you,” Joel mumbles into your lips and pulls you closer until his body is flush with yours.

“I love you,” you return, and sling your arms around his shoulders, both hands in his hair as his slides over your face, holding his thumb in your cheek, his eyes squeeze shut.

How long he’s been waiting to have you like this.

You’re both sweaty and grimey and there’s a tinge of copper in your scent but Joel appreciates it with the rest of it. He smooths his hand over your tangled hair, bunching it in his hand to keep your face in place for him as he slips his greedy tongue through your teeth. You twist your tongue with his, them becoming their own snaking dance while you pull yourselves desperately closer to each other. Joel takes your face in his hands and, like a dam breaking, tells you again, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” in between kisses. In response, you hum into his mouth and wrap your arms tight around him, dragging over his back and into his hair, pressing your bodies even closer together.

You pull back with hot, heavy breaths, still sliding your hands all over him, and say, “I’ve wanted you like this for so long,” and punctuate with a slow sloppy kiss. Joel’s chest swarms and then he hoists you up, your legs automatically wrapping around his waist. Feeling your weight fills him with satisfaction he didn’t know he longed for and hums into your mouth, starting for his bedroom with you in his arms.

The passion develops, as natural and guaranteed as changing weather. The novelty creates a storm that Joel is unprepared for but embraces with awe. The storm develops quick when he drops you onto the bed and you reach up to pull him on top of you by the lapels of his flannel, taking him back to your mouth like you’re starving for it. Joel’s entire body is hot as his hips weigh down over yours. Electricity buzzes over the area of contact and Joel feels himself getting hard, the storm now a hurricane of lust that pushes his hand up your shirt. When you moan, it vibrates through his lips and all the way down to his cock. He comes up to sit on his knees and when he lifts his shirt you follow, eager to see the parts of each other never before revealed.

“Fuck,” Joel mumbles and returns back down on your body. His hand slides lazily over your torso and he moans into your lips when you reach down for his belt.

“I want you,” you say, and Joel moans again.

“I’m yours, baby.”

You slip his belt open and don’t bother with his buttons or zipper before slipping your hand in to slide over his length. Joel pulls back for only a moment to breathe, then goes back to attacking your lips. His hand reaches down to grip your wrist in a frenzied move, overwhelmed by the feeling of your hand on his hardening cock.

“You like that?” You ask into his mouth.

“Yes,” is all he can get out, then moans when your hand closes over his base.

“God, you’re big.”

“You want it?” He slurs.

“Yes.”

At that, Joel slides his own hand down your pants, palm on your clit while he curves his fingers to feel the wetness already soaking through your underwear. He moans, once again overwhelmed by the want he feels from you. “Yeah, I know you do.”

You remove your hand from him, instead wrapping your legs around him to pull him down, squeezing his hand in, allowing him to feel the details under it. He hums and bites your lip.

Joel raises up again, using one hand to unbutton and unzip your pants with the other working on his own. Breathing out deeply as you watch him, your hands slide over sides up to over your face and into your hair, reaching up to squeeze the pillows your head rests on.

A lamp mistakenly left on allows for light for him to view you under. Admiring you, Joel shakes his head and speaks his mind, “Beautiful ain’t enough to describe it.”

You chuckle and sigh, looking down to watch him tug down your underwear and jeans. You widen your legs for him to tug them down, bending one knee to remove a leg and then the other for him to pull free. Joel doesn't bother with his own, only pulling his down enough to make room for his cock, which bounces out of his lowered boxers. When your eyes flick from it back to his, your body lifts and falls with a deep sigh. Seeing the lust in your eyes, he finds himself unable to take any time with it, and he comes back down on you, slipping his hand to his member, now rock hard, to guide it to your entrance.

“Yes,” you breath out, once again opening your legs for him.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Joel kisses your lips lightly before pulling away to look through the window of his body above you to the dark mess of curls between your thighs, the muscles of his groin tensing as he enters you.

“Fuck. you’re tight.”

“You’re big.”

“Too big?”

You shake your head.

“Good.” And with that, the entirety of his shaft enters you and you both moan.

“Shit.”

“Fuck me, Joel,” you whisper.

Joel groans deeply at your response, then repositions, taking his hand away to set his forearm over the bed, his other hand dragging over your face, resting his thumb on your lip. He watches your face as he starts with long, slow strokes. After a few, he can’t get himself to pull so far back out of you, needing to be inside you and unable to help himself from starting to snap his hips into a fast pace. The force of his full length has you bouncing and you close your eyes, eyebrows furrowed up with your mouth opened wide, pouring out moans.

“Yeah?” Joel says breathily, “You like that, sweetheart?”

“Uh-huh,”

“I wanna make you cum, baby,” he says, then messily kisses the corner of your mouth.

“I want you to cum inside me,”

“Yeah? You want me to fill you up with my cum?” He says, then bites your lip.

It flips up from between his teeth when you reply, “Yes.”

“I wanna make you cum first.” To punctuate, Joel’s pace quickens, loading his full length into you over and over again.

“Joel, feels so good,” you squeeze the words out, eyes still closed and brow pinched up, fingers raking through his hair.

The feeling of your hands holding his face close to yours and your tight walls around him fulfills Joel’s long lived need to unite your bodies like this and his chest is filled with all the feelings of every moment he’s fantasized about this exact scenario.

“God, please, fuck me,”

He hums, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.”

Finally, your eyes snap open, locking on his as you careers his face, “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me,”

Joel reattaches your mouths messily, sliding his tongue around your lips before it finds its way back in, and your nails scratch over his cheeks as you pull him closer. Your moans break the hold in brief intervals, singing them to each other as you fuck. Joel moves a hand down to grip your ass, holding you steady as he ruts into you.

Pleasure builds inside of him warm and tight and Joel suddenly pulls out, “Shit, I’m gonna cum.” Without pause, he moves back on the bed and settles his mouth between your legs, sliding his hands up your thighs, and as he starts his tongue along your slit, your hands go back to pull at his hair.

“Oh shit Joel,” he hears you, muffled with your thighs over his ears, and groans into you as he continues to slip his tongue up and down. His head is clamped tighter between your thigh when he sucks your clit and he feels your moans vibrating through you, your fingernails scratching his scalp. He uses the tip of his tongue on the underside of your clit with his lips suctioned around it, and in no time, you’re trembling around him, bobbing your crotch into his mouth. He feels you crying out more than he hears it and only pulls away when you tug him away by his hair. When he looks up, all he sees is your jaw, your head laid back, breasts on display with your back arched up. He pushes himself up, admiring how your toes curl at the end of your spread legs. Joel smiles as your quivering subsides. Crawling back on top of you, he presses his hand over your now soaking wet pussy, carrying out your orgasm with a few more spasms. As soon as he comes to your face, Joel grabs your lips with his again, kissing you sluggishly with your deep exhales tickling his face.

“Oh my fucking god, Joel,” you say, pulling his face away.

“Yeah?” He smiles.

“Yeah,” you chuckle, then bring your mouths back together. Then you take yourself away again, fingertips grazing over his cheeks when you say, “I want you inside me again, I want you to cum inside me,”

Eagerly, Joel is already reaching back down for his dick, slicking it over your pussy. “Yeah? You starvin’ for it, ain’t ya?”

“Mhm,” You nod, your eyes dragging up from his lips back to meet his gaze, circling your thumbs over his cheeks. Sweet desperation paints your face with your brow furrowed and lips swollen. You lick into his mouth, bobbing your hips up to tease his tip inside of you.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Joel says as he guides his cock once again into you, “I’ll give you what you want. Just tell me, an’ it’s yours.”

“I want you,” you reply, bucking your hips up to bring him further in.

“I’m yours.” He whispers, lips brushing yours as he speaks, before finally filling you with his cock.

“Yeah, more,” you whine as he begins to fuck you again. “Harder,” is music to his ears, and your body jolts on the bed as he obeys. “Like that, like that,” you breath out, eyes closing briefly before opening back up to his, hands still cupping his face. Though you’re not kissing, your hot and heavy breaths create a link between your mouths and you use the remaining space to keep locked on each other's eyes.

“You feel so good, baby,” Joel tells you, his voice jumping with his pace “I wanna feel you cum again, can’y cum for me again, sweetheart?”

You simply nod, starting to lay out short moans as you tie your legs around him. “You’re so big,” you mewl, and Joel can’t help but lick into your sounds. You whine again, clamping your legs around him tighter. Open mouthed moans part your lips connection, but Joel appreciates the view, watching your eyes squeeze shut and then open again, lips wet with his spit and your own cum.

Joel groans in appreciation of it all, your sweaty bodies gripping each other’s in every way, him providing for you, making you feel good, making you cum, and from his lips slips again, “I love you.”

Your response is in the hand thrown back to clutch the pillow, eyes screwed shut again with your lips in an O, and Joel replies with harder thrusts, your groins meeting as he bottoms out. Needing to stabilize himself on the rocking bed, Joel’s hand lands on the wall.

“Gonna cum for me? Such a good girl, doin’ what I ask. Yeah, I can feel you comin’ close baby. Cum for me, darlin’. Cum for me, and then I’ll cum inside you, js’ like you asked. Go on, baby. Ah, fuck.”

You cry out, gripping Joel’s hair as your head flips back again, legs still keeping Joel locked deep inside of you. As he feels your pussy contract around him, Joel starts to breathe heavier, letting out grunts, groans, and moans as his thrusts get messier, bumping into your harder to a needy, unsteady beat.

“Ah, fuck, I’m gonna cum,” is his turn to cry out, and, looking down at you, and in the same loud voice, he says, “cum for me baby, cum with me, cum with me.”

Your free hand grabs his wrists as he holds your side, chest jolting with lustful breaths, and then you’re shuddering again, and Joel raises up to grip your sides with both hands. Your orgasms are drawn out as Joel pulls you onto him with deep thrusts, pausing inside of you while he pumps his cum into your tight, quivering sheath.

When your climaxes subside, you’re left staring at each other, breathing heavily. Joel smiles, then gently lowers himself down to kiss you tenderly. He waits until he’s empty of cum to pull out, cock softening as it rests in the V of your hips.

“That was fucking amazing,” you say between breathes.

“You feel better than I ever coulda fuckin’ dreamed.” Joel chuckles, then kisses you one more time before rolling off of you to lie at your side, turning his head to meet you looking back at him.

“You dreamt about that?” You smile.

“Fuck yeah I did.” Joel admits shamelessly. You laugh. “Did you?”

“Once or twice.” You shrug, chuckling with a toothy smile. Joel chuckles back, then looks up with a heavy sigh. He smiles to himself, then feels your finger on the edge of his lips. He closes his eyes. This is something he’s never felt before, and truly never dreamed. It really is better than anything he ever could have imagined, laying next to you like this, his body still warm, your touch on his lip. Nothing outside of this room exists, nothing over than this bed with you in it. He hums another sigh, then turns his face back to you.

“You’re so beautiful.” He murmurs.

“You’re so beautiful.” You say with a smile.

Joel takes your wrist with his hand, feeling the muscles move as you continue to pet his face with your finger.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

His hand falls away from your wrist and he rests it on his stomach, stars in his eyes as he gazes back into yours.

There's a few minutes of silence, but it’s filled with an air between you like a rosy haze of sweet smelling smoke, lit up under golden light.

Joel supports his head with his hand under his pillow, allowing a better view to stay with your eyes. As he stargazes, he takes a deep breath through his nose and decides to admit, “…I almost said this before,” his mouth pauses open before he continues, “you saved me today, out there… but you saved me before then. You saved me a long time ago. For a… long, long time, I didn’t really know what I was doin’. I know I had to go get Tommy, I just needed to get a car.” He shifts his head to look up, “I still need to get a car.” Then he looks back at you, “We still need to get a car, you know I’m not goin’ without you. But… I was lost. I felt… empty.” Joel swallows, looking over your face, “But then I had you. N’ then I felt like… I was alive again. Not just survivin’. You made me feel… real. I forgot what smilin’ felt like,” Joel chuckles, “until you. All I wanted was to leave. I mean, I still wanna leave here, Bostn’, but then, all I really wanted to be was with you. Anywhere, with you.”

You smile, and then roll to your side, sliding your hand over his chest and kiss him. He closes his eyes but keeps still. Heaven sounds in a cloud passing over him as your sweetness once again blesses his lips.

“You know, it’s funny how much of that I’ve always felt, too.” You start, still over him, and start to trace over his features with a featherlight touch. “I didn’t have a brother. I just wanted to get out. I was happy to meet you because you were a way out. But… you weren’t just a way out of Boston, you were a way out of… everything. Only for moments at a time, but, you were. It’s like… I just can’t believe I found you. In the mess of everything, you were there… and I’m just so… grateful, I guess. That’s not the right word… Just… Thank god for you. I kind of think god is dead, after all the… you know, everything, but thank god for you.”

Your words bring tears to his eyes. He allows them to bead in the corners, and you touch them away with your fingertip. “I love you.” He whispers.

“I love you so much, Joel.’

Joel was something without you, but not much. A knife, a gun, a severed brother, a fractured father, a frightened soul staggering around a broken city. With you, he’s carried back to love, and he can feel softness finding its way back into his veins from a heart inlaid with velvet.

He may not believe in fate, but Joel likes the idea that he was destined to find you, and you him, and he thanks whatever was responsible for granting him the courage that grabbed him the moment it did so that he could finally tell you what you mean to him, because he knows the fearful man in his core couldn’t do it alone.

Love, bona fide, is a deep pool in his center that never dried up, but was fortified with pieces of his dark desperation, broken down himself into spikes he assembled around it. But now with you, he surrenders, and, bodies held close, he dips with you into the warmth of his pure waters.

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