yellowjackets is a lost shakespeare play

Movies I watched this Week #104 (Last week of year # 2):

Cairo Station by renowned director Youssef Chahine, my first from the Golden Age of Egyptian cinema. A 1958 Neo-realist story of a lowly (and horny!) newspaper vendor who loses his mind after being sexually obsessed with a luscious lemonade seller. Sharp descriptions of poor, working class individuals, unexpected sensuality and descent into madness is not what you’d expect from the low-brow melodramas of that time. 7/10.

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Heaven without people is a beautifully-written, award winning family drama by a Lebanese play writer Lucien Bourjeily, his debut feature. It was shot entirely in one regular middle class apartment, and featuring about 15 not-actors, including some kids. It realistically tells of a large Christian family who gather for Easter feast, for the first time in two years. It’s conversation heavy and tightly-played. The busy, friendly interactions between all members of the family eventually turns into discord, and ugly secrets emerge. Well worth watching. 8/10.

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Fear and desire, 24-year-old Stanley Kubrick’s debut feature. A somehow amateurish anti-war production which cost $10,000 raised from Kubrick’s family. It follows 4 soldiers behind enemy lines, with Paul Mazursky as the delirious young one. “Not his best work”.

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The documentary Three Minutes – A Lengthening uses a unique approach: It tries to deciphers a clip from a 16mm holiday movie which was found in somebody’s closet, without adding any additional footage to it. In a voice over it tells of the detective work that it took to unpacks what’s there, and it lets only the visuals from the clip to speak for themselves.

The 3 silent minutes are from a trip that some American Jew took in 1938 to his small birth village in Poland. All that we see are some streets, a public square, and about 150 random people who were there on that day, most of them looking at the movie camera, which was a novelty. It’s a haunting snapshot, because it’s so completely mundane. Still, as the grandson of the photographer explores, only about 3% of these 3,000 Nasielsk Jews survived the holocaust. So all the curious, smiling, randomly waving people became ghosts. Co-produced by Steve McQueen. 8/10.

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5 more by Robert Redford and 3 more by J. C. Chandor:

🍿 ...I'm doing a survey... do you believe the Condor is really an endangered species?...

Another perfect Christmas re-watch: Three days of the Condor, one of my all time favorite conspiracy thrillers from the 70′s, and really, one of my top 50 films of all time. Every word I wrote about it last year, when I saw it last time is till in play. 10/10.

🍿 I loved J. C. Chandor‘s ‘Margin Call’ and ‘A most violent year’, but I hesitated watching his tremendous ‘Old man and the sea’ masterpiece All is Lost. And even when I started, I had a hard time staying in, and had to take frequent stops, Not that it’s not all-immersing and original. But the harrowing, no-words, single player (no-)survival story of a man lost at sea is so dispiriting, so nerve-racking, it took me three days to finish it. 9/10 for being too tense.

🍿 In György Pálfi’s immersive mashup Final Cut, Ladies and Gentlemen, Redford only appears for a brief moment. That’s because it is a ‘supercut’ of over 450 clips from the most famous films in history. It’s a meta-love story, told through a montage of scenes edited together from all those other films. Absolutely fantastic. Another inspired re-watch from last year.

🍿 "...Stay away from the chocolate mousse”...

Years before winning an Oscar for ‘The Artist’, French director Michel Hazanavicius created a similar montage in La Classe Américaine. Recieving permission from Warner Brothers he cut and pasted scenes from about 50 of their old movies into a nonsensically-funny, politically-incorrect and unexpected hillarious parody. It mostly follows Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman and Paul Newman, silly journalists at the Washington Post, who interview dozens of classic stars as they try to understand John Wayne’s last words, “Monde de Merde”. Dubbed into ridiculous French, full of cursing, off color jokes about butt sex and bad digestion. Worth the watch!

🍿 A River Runs Through It was the third film directed by Redford. A long, beautifully-shot and utterly uninteresting period piece of two uninteresting brothers in pastoral Montana in the 1920′s. 3/10.

🍿 So I was finally also able to watch J. C. Chandor‘s last feature film, Triple Frontier. Each of his 4 films is in a different genre. This one is a standard action-adventure flick, where ex-Delta Force Oscar Isaac is getting the old team together for one last big deal, stealing millions from a Colombian Narco lord. Even though the story and action were not original, it was extremely well-done. 8/10.

🍿 And even though I’ve seen Chandor’s Margin Call 4 times already this year, and again today, I am becoming convinced that this is of the best debut features of all time, and one of the greatest films of the 21st century.

Repeat viewings prove to me that his control of sound, design and editing is masterful: The opening scene’s score. Every single scene is perfect. Every new chapter in this evolving story unfolds like a play. Absolutely fantastic - 10/10 again.

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I have a new favorite sub-genre: Debut fictional masterpieces by young(ish) female film directors. Recent examples: Quinn Shephard (Blame), Alice Wu (Saving Place), Deniz Gamze Erguven (Mustang), Bora Kim (House of hummingbird), Céline Sciamma (Water lilies), Kaouther Ben Hania (Beauty and the dog), Chloé Zhao (The Rider), Lulu Wang (The Farewell), Andrea Arnold (Wasp), Charlotte Wells (Aftersun), Debra Granik (Winter’s bone), Mia Hansen-Løve (Goodbye first love), and so many others.

So, I’m happy to add Kelly Fremon Craig‘s The Edge of Seventeen to the list. It’s a coming-of-age drama about best friends Hailee Steinfeld and Haley Lu Richardson, whose friendship is tested when one of them sleeps with the other’s hot brother. Her only feature since 2016? At least it’s good to read that she is now filming ‘Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret’ now. 

The sweetest discovery of the week - 8/10.

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2 French classics:

🍿 Re-watch: The perennial French bonbon The Red Balloon. A nostalgic, heart-warming throw-back to Belleville after the war, the innocence of childhood and bond between sentient beings. 100% enjoyment and guaranteed satisfaction. One of Adora’s beloved early films. (Poster Above).

I was surprised to learn that Albert Lamorisse, who directed both his kids in this gem, was also the inventor of the board game ‘Risk’, and that he died young at a helicopter crash in Iran.

🍿 The old man and the boy (”The Two of Us”), Claude Berri’s humane debut film from 1967. Very old provincial anti-Semite Michel Simon takes in a small refugee boy in occupied France, not realizing that he is Jewish. That the old, bigoted farmer was also a vegetarian was a testament to the well-balanced film, among the first to depict Nazi sympathizers with understanding.

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Fred Zinnemann’s award-winning western High Noon, with just-retired but duty-bound marshal Gary Cooper abandoning his 30-years-younger, newly-married Grace Kelly bride, in order to save the town’s citizens.

There were only two questions that remained unanswered: 1. Why was he so unpopular that nobody would help him? And 2. Why could they not pick a more memorable ‘Baddie’ to stand up against? 9/10.

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I was a big Beatles fan in my teens. When Help opened in Israel I was 12, maybe 13. I went to the small cinema in Hadar neighborhood in Haifa, and saw it 11 times. It was my movie. Peak swinging 60's. The music is still 10/10.

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‘The Olsen Gang’ was a Danish series of 14 comedy films, that was extremely popular all over Scandinavia 50 years ago. They were low-brow farces that provided escapist entertainment based on broad stereotypes. The stories were about the three inept, bumbling small-time crooks always trying to get rich quick. The Olsen Band (1968) was the first in the series. It didn’t age well, but it was nice to see all the familiar locations from around here as they looked then. Interestingly, since Denmark was the first country to legalize pornographic images in 1969, there are some lewd subplots and x-rated stories in this family-friendly romp.

...Det er skide godt, Egon!...

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2 with professional wrestler Dave Bautista and 2 with Udo Kier:

🍿 “Jared Leto's hard kombucha...”

I hated the new Glass Onion from the very first scenes, and had a hard time sitting through this boring, tricked-out big-budget spectacular. A typical turd from the Netflix-Hollywood-Complex cookie cutter, as bogus as Daniel Craig’s fake accent, or as the deceptive ‘Eat the Rich’ sub-text messaging, everything about it was irritating, over-the-top cringe.

The original ‘Glass Onion‘ was so much better.

🍿 The premise is very appealing: A quirky crime drama directed by Werner Herzog, produced by David Lynch, starring Michael Shannon as a mentally-disturbed spiritual seeker who kills his mother with ceremonial sword and Willem Dafoe as a San Diego detective, and mixed with a score of wistful Peruvian folk music. But My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done was random, misdirected, awful on every other level. 2/10.

🍿 “...  Excuse me I’d like to ass you a few questions ..”

An immature, funny re-watch: Jim Carrey big breakthrough Role Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. With Hector Salamanca as Mr. Shickadance, Ace's landlord, and Sean Young as Einhorn-Finkle and some unnecessary homophobic ending. I forgot that at the 45:00 time stamp, at exactly half-point, he fucked Courteney Cox 3 times, with all his house pets watching.

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First watch of the last film that Walt Disney was personally involved with, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh from 1977. Target audience must have been 3-4-year-olds.

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First watch: Peter Bogdanovich’s screwy comedy What’s Up, Doc, with the quintessential San Francisco setting. Madeline Kahn’s debut film. Not as zany today as it might have been then. It only got mildly funny toward the final car chase. 2/10.

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Christmas Comes But Once A Year: A 1936 animated short produced by Fleischer Studios, featuring Professor Grampy, in his only appearance without Betty Boop. What a different consciousness the world will have if Fleischer would have dominated Disney.

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A constant re-play in the background while I go about my day: Sol by Alep!

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Throw-back to the art project:

Three Days of the Condor Adora (Again). Red Balloon Adora (One of the first illustrations that I really loved).

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(My complete movie list is here)

48, 95 for the mash up

48. Fake Dating AU & 95. Sleep Intimacy

okay i have like at least two bed-sharing nurseydex fics (this ficlet and this longer one) (haha shameless self promotion) but i have no fake dating aus (i started one once but it was ugh) soooo let’s do this

it’s a few years after samwell. nursey and dex are living in an apartment together in nyc. dex is working at a tech company and bringing in the dough while nursey has published his first book and is working on a collection of short stories when, unexpectedly, nursey gets a wedding invitation in the mail.

dex is typing at his computer– emailing with ransom about their fantasy hockey league– when he hears nursey groan “fucking snake!” dex peers over at the invitation in nursey’s hands and frowns.

“what’s wrong with a wedding invitation?” living with nursey for going on five years– fuck has it been five years living with the man he is nonreciprocating in love with?? dex is hopeless– has helped dex learn a few of nursey’s weirder quirks (nursey 2 am showers, how he sings while he makes sandwiches, The Sock Thing) but the cursing at wedding invitations is completely foreign

“it’s my ex-boyfriend’s wedding,” nursey says, flicking the invitation across the floor. the glitter-confetti that was contained inside the envelope goes everywhere. dex can feel an aneurysm coming on.

“he’s probably just trying to be nice,” dex says, quickly resigning himself to living with glitter forever.

“things didn’t end well.” nursey sighs, collapsing across the table dramatically. dex only nearly saves his laptop from being crushed. “he was kind of a dick. fuck, i have to go.”

“why go if he’s a dick?”

“because,” nursey says, as if dex is dense, which after seven years dex knows is just how nursey talks and not because he’s actually a condescending dickface, “if i don’t go, he’ll win.”

dex doesn’t pretend to understand nursey’s social world. rich people are so weird. “then go,” he says, and continues his email to ransom with the very impressive argument on why he deserves to have chowder on his team.

“i can’t go!” nursey says. dex doesn’t look up from his screen. nursey’s ridiculousness makes great background noise. “if i go without a date he’ll still win!”

“then take a date,” dex says, frowning as he rereads the wording of a sentence. things are silent for a minute– red flag red flag– and when he looks up nursey is grinning widely at him.

(y’all know where this is going, right?)

“no,” dex says, in that moment, and ignores nursey’s pouting face. “why would you even want to bring me as your date?” dex says, the next day, when nursey argues why dex should do it. “how would bringing me even make you the winner?” dex responds, a week later, when nursey makes him breakfast in bed to sweeten the deal. “WHAT THE FUCK” dex says when nursey accosts him in the shower.

“dex come on. it’s a destination wedding, i’ll pay for everything, we can get drunk for free all weekend, and i need youuuuu.” nursey pouts, fluttering his eyelashes. “if i show up with a guy like you, todd will totally be the loser.”

“todd, really?”

“i was in high school, i had no taste.”

dex stares at him, shampoo slowly trailing down the side of his face. maybe it’s because nursey looks so pathetic, maybe it’s because his compliment makes dex as butterfly-y inside, maybe it’s because dex is hopelessly in love with him. whatever.

“if i say yes, can i finish my shower in peace?”

nursey grins. “i love you, poindorkster!”

nursey leaves the bathroom, whistling to himself. dex knows he’s going to regret this, but at least he can rinse his hair out now.

four months later, dex is regretting every choice he’s ever made that led him to this point, including going to samwell and deciding to play hockey in the second grade.

“nursey,” dex says, feeling the vein in his neck bulge. “why is there only one bed?”

(the wedding is in some snowy wood somewhere, with lots of trees and a series of personal cabins for all the guests. nursey and dex’s is fairly far away from where they had to park, which is going to suck because it’s supposed to snow tomorrow. the cabin is full of dark woods and soft blankets and warm, earthy smells, and dex is sure he’d enjoy it a lot if he didn’t have to share a bed with the unrequited love of his life.)

“todd totally would’ve found us out if we got a double,” nursey says, unconcerned. dex watches him unpack with a barely concealed rage.

dex only kind of debates taking the car and leaving before resigning himself to his death, and sighs as he begins to unpack too.

one wedding montage later, full of alcohol and making fun of todd’s cravat and eating as many of the hor d’oeuvres as they can and pretending (pretending dex reminds himself) to be more in love than even the happy couple. they leave early, stealing a bottle of champagne and a full plate of cake, and they stumble their way back to their cabin. by the time they get here, their toes and fingers and noses as cold and dusted with snow, so they get under the blankets to eat their feast

they eventually fall asleep, almost warm and bellies full, and dex thinks, before he passes out, that he could be happy with this for the rest of his life. just this.

in the morning, dex wakes up with his arms full of nursey. nursey is shirtless, all of his warm skin pressed against dex’s chest and forearm, mouth hot and wet where he breathes against dex’s neck. dex, for some reason, wrapped his arm around nursey’s back as they slept, and he can feel nursey’s arm (the one that isn’t clinging to the material of dex’s shirt) underneath him, like a hug.

dex loses his breath instantly, staring at nursey’s face, slack with sleep and so close to his own, and swallows hard. without thinking about it, his thumb begins to brush at nursey’s shoulder, his arm tugging nursey in just a bit closer.

god. this– dex has been in love with nursey for so long, he doesn’t– he’s taught himself how to control it, how not to be too in love, too obsessed. part of that was keeping himself from these kinds of situations. part of that was not giving himself the chance.

and now here he is, everything he wants in life right at his fingertips (literally) and all he can feel is a giant, consuming ache at the thought that none of it is real.

(it is real, the desperate voice in his head says, remember? we’re friends and that’s enough, stop wanting more, why can’t you ever be happy with what you have?)

in the middle of dex’s crisis, nursey wakes up. dex doesn’t notice. nursey watches the emotions– devastation and want and heartbreak– play across dex’s familiar features, the one nursey has been staring at from across their apartment, their shared room, the ice, so many years he’s lost count.

nursey never crossed the gap. out of fear maybe, or maybe he just didn’t think it was the right time. when was the right time to start the rest of your life? nursey was a kid. he didn’t know how to hold forever in his hands without breaking it.

now, well. now he’s 25, doing what he loves and making money at it, coming home to his adorable computer hobbit who cooks him dinner and listens to his midnight ramblings and lets him read his poetry out loud and has thoughts about it. dex, with his shining eyes and kind touch and beautiful, consuming laugh.

forever is a long time, but nursey wouldn’t mind living in this moment for the rest of his life.

“dex,” nursey says, and dex’s panicked eyes focus on him. nursey tilts his head up until their lips brush. he feels dex’s sharp inhale against his own mouth before closing the kiss completely.

outside, snow falls, todd complains to his new husband about “derek nurse and that boyfriend of his”, and time moves on.

inside, under the warm blankets, curled around the softness of a promise, nursey and dex pause, patient, on the edge of a lifetime, simply enjoying the moment.

Sapphy’s Spoilerific Review

Season 7 Episode 1

In case the title isn’t specific enough, this will be a very spoiler-filled review for Game of Thrones. 

You have been warned!

Welcome back to HBO and Westeros. It's been a long 13 months or so. But finally, we can find out what is in store for our intrepid heroes, and villains, and people we just kind of wish would stop existing.

After a lengthy previous on, we open at The Twins, with another feast hosted by... Walder Frey? Wait, didn't he get his throat slit after eating pie made of his sons. Apparently, he gathered all his sons to feast them again… And he wants them to eat and drink and be merry. Mostly. He still has his dislike of them women of his.

Of course, his actual speech seems a bit strange, almost like he's not really himself. And sure enough, as they all drink their poisoned wines, Arya rips off her Walder suit to watch them die too. And as the women stare on in horror, she tells them to spread the word - The North Remembers.

Yep, you better believe it, bitches! (Someone from the North had to!)

We then head beyond the Wall, where, in case we forgot, the White Walkers are coming. And if that’s not terrifying enough (and it's a really gorgeous shot over snow with mist), there are at least 3 undead Giants! Oh snap! If only they hadn't wasted the last living Giant on getting back Winterfell from Ramsey. RIP Wun-wun!

It seems we get that vision courtesy of Bran and his ever-flowing weirwood wifi connection. Thankfully, Meera saw Wonder Woman this Summer and dragged Bran to safety, as IIRC, Uncle Benjen left them quite a hike away from the gate. Lord Commander Dolorous Edd greets the wayward pair at the gate, wanting to know if they are wildlings. Meera introduces them, but the new LC is rather doubtful. Rather than prove who they are, Bran just states all he's ever seen about Edd, and they are admitted back to the proper North… south of the Wall.

Up next, we find ourselves in Winterfell. Jon is being all Kingly, dictating orders on how they are going to get ready for the coming War. He wants all their dragon glass, and beyond that all able bodied man, woman, and child will prepare for the upcoming war. What, women can't, or shouldn't, fight?! Old School Northern Man tries to claim (in front of Brienne no less!).

Fortunately, we still have hope for Westeros. And to continue making old men look dumb, young Lyanna Mormont slaps him (and any other male daring to think like that ) verbally upside their heads. I'm pretty sure that she’s the true leader of Westeros. I wonder how long it will take the rest of the Queens to realize it?

All hail Lyanna, first of Her Name.

What will Ser Friendzone do when he finds his baby sister on the Iron Throne?

Anyways, I digress!

Jon asks Tormund and the Wildlings to man Eastwatch by the Sea! Good riddance, I say! Tormund needs to go far away from my Brienne, as she awaits her maiden fair. Tormund must realize he’ll never have her and agrees to his suicide mission. (Not before a later scene with a lustful sigh from the Wildling as Brienne tries to dissuade his advances by beating up on Pod.)

Next, Jon needs to handle business regarding the family holds of the Umbers and Karstarks. He wants the families to keep them. Old School Lord wants to destroy them. Sansa pipes up and wants to reward faithful houses with the new keeps. Jon and her bicker in front of the Lords, and it is clear she wishes she was in charge. Jon finally slaps her down with his stern voice, reminding her that HE is king. He asks tiny Lord Umber and Alice Karstark (uhm, why isn't Tormund all about her? He married her in the books) to say the words. And that was the end of that squabble.

Except Sansa and him keep squabbling once they leave the meeting. He tells her plainly to not undermine him in front of the lords. And she whines about not being able to voice her opinion. Now I'm all about female empowerment, but there is a time and place for voicing opinions. Apparently, she forgot. Much like she forgot about telling Jon about the Vale Knights last season.

Anyways, she practically calls him Joffrey because he doesn't want people to see him bicker in public with people. Because it does undermine his authority. He's appalled at the comparison, but she quickly recants saying he's a good ruler. The conversation turns towards Sansa feeling they're looking the wrong way for War. They should be looking South. She diatribes about how awful and cunning Cersei is, but Jon says he knows how bad the real threat is. Plus, no Southern army could last in their Winter. After all, they're Siberia.

He also points out how Sansa seems to admire Cersei.

Which segues us to King's Landing... and Cersei walking across a huge painted floor map of Westeros. Jaime follows her and establishes that he may still be pod-Jaime. (BOOO!) I'm also sensing a theme of bickering siblings as the two are squabbling over things like... how many Kingdoms and dynasties.

Jaime is more sensible than Cersei pointing out that they essentially have no allies (especially since the report out of the Twins has come down) and that all of their children are dead. There's no one left for a dynasty.Especially since Cersei disregards her other brother who she knows is Hand of the Queen for Dany. That only makes her seethe more, and she throws that in Jaime's face.

And really, don't get me started on pod-Jaime and how he wanted to talk about losing their baby boy. He knew King Butters killed himself, so does he know his sister went all Mad King on Sept of Baelor? (Hint: The only acceptable answer is HELL NO! Otherwise, she'd be dead.)

Anyways, when discussing all of their enemies, there are two major foreshadowing hammers: Highgarden, home to the Queen of Thorns, has all the food, and Dany will land on Dragonstone. All the more reason that they need allies in this upcoming war. Cersei points out that she does have an ally in mind, and she learned quite a bit from her father. (Doubtful!)

Enter Euron Greyjoy and the Ironborn fleet, looking for love in all the wrong places. There is an overly machismo display by Euron as he tries to display his plumage for Cersei. He paints a picture of how they were both betrayed by family who defected to the Targs. He makes a few promises and then proposes marriage. After all, he has two good hands. (Pod-Jaime pantomimes quite well in the scene, offering to stick him with his sword.) She declines him, but he says he'll prove he’s worthy and leaves.

We move to Oldtowne and the Citadel, where Sam… Has become an indentured servant of the Maester Order. If we weren't sold on how awful his "tutelage" is, we are given a lengthy montage where he puts away books, cleans filthy shit-filled chamber pots, and pours soup that looks quite like the shit in the pots. Blech! He wants to desperately get into the restricted book section, but he sadly doesn't have a Cloak of Invisibility like a different would be wizard in another series. So instead, he heads off to speak with Ol' Slughorn himself.

Slughorn gives him some advice on what it really means to be a Maester, and how impartial they should be. He reminds them that even in the darkest of hours, ages of ago, people succeeded, and so they will again. But he still can't have access to the books. I mean, horcruxes and all. So, Sam steals the key, steals a bunch of books, and goes back to his Wildling baby mama and kid. He then discovers that Stannis told him the truth about there being a bunch of Dragon Glass on Dragonstone. We also get one brief glimpse of Ser Friendzone, who managed to get to Oldtowne in search of a cure. He's still hung up on Dany too. Even as he turns to stone.

The Hound and the Brotherhood are still moving towards the North. It's snowing pretty hard in the Riverlands, and their banter is kind of boring. (To me anyways.) However, they come across the cottage where The Hound stole the silver of the kindly farmer who helped him and Arya years ago. He wants to be a better guy, and now he has guilt for the fact that he may have killed these people - indirectly.

The Hound has a funny comment about how he ended up with a cult of fire worshippers, but he sees the power of the fire when Beardy McTopknot tells him to. And it works just like that, as Clegane sees the upcoming icy death of the North. If that didn't bond them, Beardy McTopknot and Clegane also bury the dead farmer and his kid in the middle of the night.

Arya and Sansa are spotted each in different scenes. Arya stumbles across some Lannister soldiers, and she does the age old "Tell them the truth" after she befriends them, but they just laugh at her comment about killing the Queen. For a moment, she looked like she would kill these soldiers, but she hasn't become a full sociopath yet clearly. (Although, props to them for singing the song that the musician wrote in the books about Shae.) Sansa has a small chat with Baelish, and I'm sure it leads somewhere, but I wish she would decide who she is supporting - even if it's herself. This waffling of hers... It's getting old! Prove you've learned the game by doing something that will actually accomplish something. (And if you want to top Cersei, just side with Littlefinger long enough to get what you want and then dispose of him.)

Finally, we come to Dragonstone, where Dany has finally come home!

There's not much to say other than that this is a beautiful sequence, and they spared no expense on this set. Nothing is said, and really, it would have taken away if people said anything. And can I just say that the throne at Dragonstone is like so much more awesome than the damn Iron Throne? Sign me up for the interior (and exterior) decorator. I could use some dragon accents around my house.

That pretty much encapsulates the episode. Tune in next week to see what happens next As Westeros Turns.

Always the Sidekick - Prose

I wrote this piece for a genre fiction class at university, it’s a romantic short story. It’s one of the few stories I’m actually quite happy with and might even consider continuing.

Word Count: 2609.

The park had well and truly taken autumn in. Across the wet grass, lay leaves in shades of brown and yellow. The smell of pumpkin spice lattes was in the air, it really was the best time of year. Today my wellington boots had been taken on their first outing; their traditional green didn’t particularly coordinate with my red rain mac. However, I could not care less as my appearance was not my speciality. With my mousy brown hair complete with blunt fringe to my milk bottle glasses, I was not what you’d call typically attractive. I was content with my lot though, as long as I could get to my favourite bench with a notebook and pen, I was happy.

It was the best spot for people watching, it was right in the middle of the park. To your left was a large pond where children would attempt to feed swans and nearly kill them and to your right were the multi-courts where men would make fools of themselves on a daily basis in an attempt to woo the opposite sex, usually with dire results. I sat there for my lunch hour and marvelled at the awesomeness of humanity before my best friend Jenny arrived. I love her to pieces but thanks to her gorgeous good looks, my favourite bench became the viewpoint of frenzy for the sporting lads. She walked up in high heeled boots, a black tulip skirt which extenuated her curves precisely and a white chiffon blouse that didn’t leave much to the imagination. The cherry on top of it all was her blonde wavy hair which bounced lightly with every step.

‘April darling, how are we today?’ I loved the way Jenny spoke, so silly yet sophisticated.

‘I’m pretty excellent, how are you?’

‘So tired, rushed off my feet as usual. Glad to get a break.’

‘I just don’t know how you manage it, I wouldn’t dream of such a busy job.’

‘Well, April my dear, not all of us are content with spending our days in a library.’ Despite Jenny and I being the same age, she’s always spoke down to me a little. I never cared what she said about my job though, I loved it. Her job sounded like an absolute nightmare to me, she worked at a law firm which meant she was always busy and always had to look her best. ‘It’s all about reputation’ Jenny told me time and time again. Whereas at my work, I spent hours sorting out books full of magic and romance, I wore whatever I pleased and I got a full hour for lunch. With those stats, I’d never see the appeal of Jenny’s job.

‘What’s for lunch today then?’ Jenny enquired as usual, looking for the plastic lunchbox.

‘Roast chicken sandwich, last night’s leftovers.’ I handed it over to a starved Jenny.

‘Oh you treat me so well April!’ She declared before she took a huge bite out of the sandwich. From the size of her waist, you’d never guess Jenny had a massive appetite.

‘Are we still doing dinner tomorrow night?’ She asked between bites. Fridays were probably my favourite day. I had a half day at work, I’d pick up sushi as a treat on the way home and then I’d settle down to a good book or a Netflix marathon for the afternoon. The nights were usually planned by Jenny, with her job she managed to blag us theatre ticket most weeks. However, this dinner wasn’t one of our usual Friday nights. It was a set-up, a casual reminder that I was still single and apparently needed to find a boyfriend.

‘Was that tomorrow night? I forgot about that. I might actually be working.’

‘You’re kidding me right? Remember tick tock, you’re not getting any younger pumpkin.’

‘Thanks for that gentle reminder Jen, you aren’t ei-‘

‘April Louise Hollander, you are going to eat dinner with me and some lovely male company whether you like it or not! Trust me; I’m doing it for your own good. Also it’s a work thing, you’d be the bestest for coming.’ I knew there would be some form of blackmail; I was always the sidekick to her little plans.

‘As I’ve told you time and time ag-‘

‘April, just be there.’ She interrupts again. I’ve not paid much attention but she’s finished her sandwich and brushed off the crumbs. I didn’t even bother trying to reply this time.

‘I better get back to the office; they’ll be lost without me. Remember 7 o’clock tomorrow at that fancy Italian place, wear something nice. Ciao darling!’ And with that she marched off on her heels, already screaming orders down the phone.  I had been looking forward to Friday, I was going to marathon Breaking Bad. Now I’d spend the afternoon trolling my wardrobe. Help.

Friday mornings at the library were always fun. A couple of classes from the local primary school would come in and if there wasn’t much work to do I got to help out with the kids. They reminded me of myself at that age, always raring to start a new book. I brought out a table full of new books and they cheered as they scrambled to find the best choice. Their adorable little smiles were enough to make my day. On the other hand, on my bus home I saw a bunch of students glued to their phones and tablets. I understood you could read books on those too but the majority of them were playing addictive games or swiping through possible mates like baboons. What happens to us as we grow up? Does the world of fiction lose its appeal to jabbing away at a piece of plastic and metal? I got off my usual stop and walked a few metres down the road to pick up my Japanese feast of sushi and bubble tea.

My flat was in the building next door, on the third floor. It was small and cosy, ideal for me and my pet fish Oscar, named after Mr Wilde of course. Normally I’d have got straight into my pyjamas, unluckily I had to choose a suitable outfit for Jenny’s high standards. Queue a clichéd montage of chucking clothes around my bedroom. Fashion was never my thing; I was about comfort and practicality not designer labels. I reckoned simple and elegant-ish was my best bet. As I turned to the mirror, I imagined an eagle-eyed Jenny staring back at me.

‘Are you really going to wear that tonight? Why do you even own that?’

‘I don’t actually care Jenny.’

‘Well you obviously care my dear; otherwise you wouldn’t be imagining me in your mirror now, would you?’ I let a little frustrated scream out. Imaginary or not, Jenny did have a point though. I did care. I’ve seen the looks of disgust that Jenny’s colleagues give me when I turn up to a champagne party in my doc martens and no make-up. This time it was almost like a date, she’d mentioned male company. I hadn’t had a boyfriend since university, three years ago. I genuinely did want to try, while I had Hermione’s smarts, I unfortunately didn’t have Emma Watson’s good looks. Tonight was going to be different; I ran out to Primark and bought a little black dress. I braved my contact lenses and risked burning my hair with my straighteners. Make-up wasn’t my best friend, but I tried my hardest to not make it look like war paint. I, of course, made a few April-esque touches, a deathly hallows necklace and forest green brogues. It might have just been a dinner date but as I gazed in the mirror, I could have been ready for a ball.

I definitely preferred London at night time. The twinkling street lights bounced off the reflective skyscrapers that melted into the indigo sky. My taxi driver wasn’t very chatty which I was thankful for tonight. My mind was too busy buzzing with expectations to talk about the weather.  Jenny would giggle like a school girl over her carbonara at the dashing gentleman opposite her. Meanwhile I’d be enthralled in conversation with a boyishly handsome chap who happens to have a passion for Doctor Who. As I dissolved into my day dreams, I barely noticed the taxi screeching to a halt. Jenny practically pounced on me as I stumbled out the cab into the nippy air.

‘April, my darling, you’re a new woman! Where’s the milk bottles? And are you wearing make-up? I love, love, love it!’ She was grinning from ear to ear at my apparent transformation.

‘Aw, you’re very sweet.’ I felt my cheeks redden as she spoke.

‘I wish you dressed like this more often, speaking of which, where is this delight of a dress from? I never knew you owned such a thing.’

‘Primark, only a tenner actually!’ Jenny’s face dropped in repulsion, the idea of being seen dead in anything less than £50 freaked her out. Her grin returned as she took in my whole look once more.

‘Not my usual taste, but you work it.’

‘You sure I look alright? I’m way out my comfort zone here.’

‘Of course you look alright, more than alright! Do you not think you look fab?’ I had to agree with Jenny. I’d gone through my Cinderella transformation from drab to fab except my fairy godmother came in the form of Primark and YouTube tutorials. I gave her a courageous smile.

‘God damn it, I do look fab Jenny.’

‘Great, glad we can agree on that. The boys said they’re going to be a tad late unfortunately so we’ve just to head inside.’

‘Okay, after you.’ I followed Jenny’s lead. After all the commotion of my new look, I hadn’t taken in Jenny’s outfit for the night. Her hair sat in a subtle up do and a creamy fur shawl sprawled over her shoulders. Her dress was a figure hugging scarlet number, which finished just after the knees and her shoes were a classic pair of black heels. As usual, Jenny looked like an absolute bombshell. I felt rather lucky to be friends with someone so glamourous.

As soon as the restaurant door opened we caught the smell of the incredible menu. Chatter surrounded every table. The place was packed. It was a Friday night in London after all. Everything appeared to be draped in white; the tables, chairs and even the walls. Spaghetti Bolognese was off the menu for me then. We got seated straight away as we had reservations. Jenny briefed me on tonight’s mission; we had to show the representative from this company a good time essentially. He was bringing along an intern which is where I came in, I was the distraction while Jenny spoke business. Whilst this was technically work for Jenny, we agreed we were going to have a good time ourselves. Therefore the first order of the night was cocktails. Our waitress brought over two martinis and we clinked our glasses together.

‘Do you feel like you’re in Sex and the City right now?’ Jenny giggled.

‘You took the words right out my mouth.’

‘I think we could give Carrie and the girls a run for their money frankly.’ We chuckled as sophisticatedly as we could. A joint this fancy didn’t feel like it welcomed belly laughs.

‘Excuse me ladies, I do believe you’ve been waiting for us.’ We looked up from our drinks to see our delicious male company had arrived. Jenny got up to shake their hands.

‘You must be Michael? So nice to finally meet you. This is my friend April.’ Michael stretched a freshly tanned hand over to me, his chocolate coloured eyes slithering into mine. Behind him stood a tall redhead who smiled delicately at us.

‘Nice to meet you girls, this is Eric.’ Eric tottered over and shook our hands. His hands were slightly clammy, nerves were tugging at him.

‘Great to meet you both.’ I drank in his polite expression, it was very welcoming. We all took our seats, Eric sat to my left. His navy cord blazer grazed my skin as it fell on his chair.

‘What are we drinking ladies?’ Michael enquired. Every word was like silky caramel; Jenny stuck to every syllable while it was far too sickly for me.

‘Martinis, we can move onto a bottle of wine if you’d prefer.’ Jenny had to vaguely remind herself this was a professional dinner. Michael had other plans.

‘Of course no, martinis it is! Waiter!’ He glanced around and waved his hand in the air, Eric stared at his lap. He looked as uncomfortable as I felt. A baffled waitress finally came over.

‘Six martinis please!’ Michael demanded.

‘Why six?’ Eric innocently asked.

‘We’ve got catching up to do! It’s Friday night after all!’

‘Christopher Eccleston’s your favourite doctor? Really?’

‘Yup!’

‘Wow, very controversial.’ I sipped my third martini, never losing grip with Eric’s bubblegum blue eyes. They made my insides feel cosy. That could have also been the alcohol. Jenny had gone to sit at the bar with Michael to have shop talk. Her legs stretched in front of the bar stool to keep Michael at a safe distance. She’d got over his caramel tones and was getting to work.

‘So how long have you known Jenny? I wouldn’t say you’re typically matched.’ I rolled my eyes at the world’s most frequently asked question.

‘Most people think the same. We’ve been inseparable since primary school, she shared her dolls with me when nobody else would. I don’t think she quite realised what she’d got into. We’ve been through semesters abroad with nothing but letters to each other and we’re still going. I know she comes across as ridiculous most of the time but that’s part of the magic of Jenny. It’s just kind of amazing that over ten years later, we still meet at a park bench every day for lunch and it’s not boring yet. God, sorry, I’m babbling now!’

‘Nah, don’t worry about it. I think you two are sweet. A bit mad but sweet.’ I looked down at my drink, my cheeks felt rosy. Sensing my awkwardness, he changed subject.

‘Do you have a favourite park bench in mind? I’m a bit of a people watching enthusiast myself.’ My mouth may have gawped open a little. It was like someone had taken my day dreams and moulded them into my perfect man.

‘Seriously? People watching is my favourite thing ever. You know Waverly Park, how the path cuts right through the middle? The bench right next to the pond and multi-courts.’

‘I don’t think I’ve been there, I’ll need to check it out sometime. If you’d let me of course.’

‘Suppose, but I’ll have to share between the hours of 12 and 1 on weekdays.’

‘Those terms are fair enough.’ His endearing gaze turned me to jelly. His movements were careful, his long fingers ever so slightly rubbed up against mine on the table. He picked up my pendant and edged a smile.

‘Harry Potter fan?’

‘Yeah. I must seem like a massive geek with this thing on.’ I mustered hesitantly.

‘Oh really?’ He smirked and got something out of his coat pocket, a wallet with the Hogwarts crest on it. I let out a slight gasp. Eric laughed lightly at my shock. He placed the tattered wallet back in his coat.

‘Massive geeks should stick together, well I think so anyway.’ He declared. Before I even realised, the space between us was gone as he kissed me gently.

‘I could not agree more.’

A couple of weeks ago, I showed my son National Treasure, and the whole time I kept thinking “damn, I really miss Nic Cage”. I knew that he was pretty much in the DTV world for the past 10 years, but I didn’t realize to what level. Turns out that Nicolas Cage made 29 direct-to-video movies in the 2010’s, and almost immediately, I was determined to watch every one of them. So I did. In no particular order:The Trust. 7/10.A not half-bad way to start things off. It's a little under-cooked at a brisk 90 minutes, but him and Elijah Wood play well of each other. Cage gives his character some quirky traits in the first half coming across as a likeable guy trying to do something he shouldn't, but quickly turns to full-on bad guy in the second half. There's a good story here but it's never fully realized. We are treated to a Cage Out though in the third act, which is always welcome. 1 down, 28 to go.Kill Chain. 8/10.This one was really enjoyable! It's sort-of 3 different stories or vignettes that all come together in the second half, which is where Cage enters the picture. He never Cage's Out, playing pretty restrained the whole time (though there is one moment where he comes close). The writing's a bit ham-fisted, and the characters are pure stereotype, but it's well crafted and a very entertaining 90 minutes. So far so good. With 27 to go, things are looking up!The Runner. 5/10.Unfocused and uneventful. It’s well cast and there’s a feeling of “this is a real movie” but it wants to be too many things. There’s a decent movie buried in here, but at a brisk 82 minutes, it’s hard to find. There’s no Cage Rage on display here, instead playing it very understated. It’s quality acting though. Three films into this little odyssey, and so far these are more than just paychecks for him, doing the best he can with what he’s given.Rage. 6/10.It’s OK, but it’s sloppy. The whole time I’m wondering why nothing seems to piece together, and it’s ultimately all in service of a shock ending that undermines everything that came before. Once again, Cage is solid in this. He keeps things entertaining where others may have had me checking out. One intense Cage Out, but I expected more based on the title and premise. Nevertheless, we journey forward. 4 down, 25 to go.Between Worlds. 10/10.I’m going to be fast and loose with the spoilers on this one. Joe is a down-on-his-luck truck driver who lost his wife and kid to a house fire some years prior. In the first 10 minutes of the movie, Joe is at a gas station pit stop where he finds Julie being choked out by some dude. Joe steps in and knocks him out, much to her dissatisfaction. Why? Because 1 hour prior, her daughter was in a motorcycle accident and is now in a coma, and because of a childhood incident, knows that if she is unconscious she can cross over to “the other side”. So her plan was to have some rando choke her in a rest stop bathroom so she could guide her daughter back to the land of the living. Joe interrupted the process, so he offers to give her a ride to the hospital. Once there, she asks Joe to choke her in the hallway so she can try again to reach her. “Something” goes wrong, and instead, Joe’s dead wife is brought back in the daughters body.The next 30 minutes see Joe moving in with Julie and playing house while dead-wife-in-daughter (DWID from this point on) slowly creeps around trying to seduce him. It’s the halfway point when Joe is made aware what is happening, and by extension Julie and the movies 1 other character. They all accept this very easily.It’s around this time that we get to a scene where Joe and DWID are fucking, interspersed with a scene where Joe and his wife before she died are also fucking. In both of these scenarios, his wife wants him to read poetry while they fuck. The poetry Joe proceeds to read in both scenes is from a book titled, I shit you not, “Memories by Nicolas Cage”.More stuff happens, and at the end of the movie, through various circumstances, Joe is doing a classic Cage scream-cry, one arm hugging a jack-in-the-box that presumably belonged to his daughter, and in the other, he is dousing himself in gasoline. He then lights a cigarette, which of course ignites his entire body, and he smokes in a completely normal manner while his body burns. This all happens while Leader of the Pack is playing, a song that holds absolutely no significance to anything that has come prior.Throughout, music that feels directly ripped from Twin Peaks is playing, and the whole atmosphere is begging to feel like David Lynch. Is the kind of movie you would find on Cinemax at 2am on a random Wednesday in 1995. It’s fucking glorious.At this particular moment in my life, my greatest fear is that with 24 films to go, I will never again reach these heights.Inconceivable. 7/10.It’s your typical nanny-isn’t-who-they-seem-to-be sort of deal, but it’s actually entertaining enough. It’s all pretty rote stuff, but there’s nothing offensively bad here. Cage gets 4th billing, with absolutely nothing to do other than play the can’t-see-what’s-really-going-on husband. He’s still decent at it, but this actually does feel like a paycheck movie for him, given that I can’t find any reason he would have looked at the script and thought he had something interesting he could do.The Humanity Bureau. 3/10.Lame, cheap, uninteresting near-future story that doesn’t have anything new to say that hasn’t already been said better in dozens of other movies. Cage is actually asleep at the wheel on this one, just kind of making his way through. In fairness, he isn’t given anything to do. Thus far, these movies have managed pretty decent supporting casts. Here though, it’s pretty much Canadian TV extras. Things are starting to feel rocky with 22 left.Outcast. 4/10.Meh. Anakin Skywalker is a 12th Century Knight escorting hunted royalty to safe haven. It’s surprisingly not as cheap as I expected, but it’s a completely unoriginal and boring movie. My only reason for watching, Sir Nicolas, does not even enter the picture until the final 30 minutes. He really hams it up with the old English accent, but he can’t save the movie at this point. Things are gonna need to start turning around soon. Maybe a Between Worlds injection every 3 movies.Primal. 6/10.A movie where a Jaguar, a killer and Nicolas Cage are all loose on a boat in the middle of the ocean should not be this dull. It’s no fault of Cage, who hurls some great insults throughout when not chomping on a cigar, and the rest of the cast seems game (except you, Jean Grey), so it really comes down to the film itself, which just doesn’t use its premise to the fullest. The whole thing is visually bland, too. It’s so muted it borders on black and white sometimes.I had high hopes going in, but thanks to this little journey of mine, I now know director Nick Powell from yesterday’s Outcast endeavor, and as soon as his name popped up in the opening credits, those hopes came crashing down.Running with the Devil. 7/10.Flawed and sloppily made, but still entertaining enough, mostly due to its surprisingly A-list cast that never gets to do much. It's not nearly as cool as it wants to be though. What Feast made a great joke about in its opening few minutes, this movie tries to do for real, to eye rolling effect. Cage is very low-key in this, with Laurence Fishburne of all people having the most fun. His characters sexual proclivities serve no purpose, and an early montage of them would be pointless if he wasn't so much fun to watch. Perhaps the biggest disappointment though is that Nicolas Cage and Adam Goldberg get some screen time together, and rather than take this opportunity to have them out-anxious each other, nothing comes of it. I'm so d-d-d-d-d-disappointed.A Score to Settle. 8/10.Went in expecting a typical revenge flick, but was pleasantly surprised to see something more. Cage is really great in this, and I'm more and more impressed by him with each movie. He really disappears into each role, never doing the same thing twice even if he sometimes is playing similar characters. There are a few moments of the Cage Madness here, much in the same way that Christopher Walken or Sam Rockwell try to dance in every movie they do, but the more subdued acting takes center stage.The Frozen Ground. 8/10.Tight cat-and-mouse type that focuses on the procedural more than the thriller aspect and is better for it. Cage is in top form, and Cusack ain't half bad either. Might I want to dip my toe into his DTV output next? Perhaps. 17 to go first.211. 1/10.Jesus Fucking Christ.Dying of the Light. 6/10.Dark. 7/10.As it exists in its official form, it’s a middling CIA thriller with an intriguing Cage performance being the most interesting part.In it’s “Director’s Cut”, which is even less of an actual movie than Donner’s Superman II, everything is much more intriguing, and had Schrader been able to make an actual final cut, this could have had the potential to be great. The concept of a dying CIA agent spending his last days trying to catch a dying terrorist is a solid one, but it isn’t fully realized in either version as is. Cage’s performance is a little manic in both, but more fleshed out and sympathetic in the later. CIA business aside, I’d have liked to watch 90 minutes of Cage just losing his mind. Actually that movie could be 3 hours long and still not be enough.Stolen. 9/10.A cheap Taken knock-off crossed with a heist movie that’s a stupid amount of fun. Josh Lucas is gloriously unhinged here, out Cage-ing the man himself. Can the remaining 14 keep up?Arsenal. 5/10.DTV mediocrity that tries too hard to be cool. Cage is hamming it up in a small-ish role, and certainly makes his scenes entertaining, but the rest of the DTV-All-Stars are bland.Seeking Justice. 8/10.It’s packaged as a revenge thriller, but it’s much more in line with 13 Sins/The Game/Nerve. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous, but it’s a lot of fun to watch. It doesn’t use its New Orleans setting as well as Stolen, but the two would make for a hell of a double feature.Dog Eat Dog. 7/10.Weird movie, but compellingly so. Shrader gets his editing jollies off that he couldn’t do on Dying of the Light, but I’m not sure it does much to add to a movie that is otherwise a pretty simple tale of low-level criminals wanting to hit it big. Cage and Dafoe is a great pairing, but it’s never fully utilized, outside of an odd, half-naked condiment fight.Vengeance: A Love Story. ?/10.After the first 10 minutes, where you can fill a card 100% while playing Cop Trope Bingo, you get the deformed child of two very different movies. In the first movie you have a fairly dark, if poorly constructed, movie about the aftermath of an assault and rape where any one aspect of which could have been explored, but instead the writer and director give us a Whitman's Sampler of plot threads with none of them fleshed out beyond the initial idea. Nicolas Cage is not in this movie.In the second movie however, Nicolas Cage stars in what I can only think to describe of as City of Angels 2. After tragically losing his dear Maggie to that damn logging truck, Seth moves out of LA and assumes the identity of John Drormoor, becoming a policeman who years later becomes involved in the lives of a mother and daughter in the aftermath of a violent attack. After what is obviously Seth/John trying to communicate with Cassiel at the edge of a waterfall for guidance, he is given a much warranted promotion from Angel to Avenging Angel, serving due justice to the duos attackers.These two movies have been edited together. I don't know how to give this a numbered rating. There are 10 remaining.USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage. 3/10.A poorly made movie that plays like a work of complete fiction. The use of a famous quote 50 years before it was coined is particularly atrocious, as is Tom Sizemore, acting as though he were Tobias Fünke trying his best at an Academy Award. This is the first straight-up bad movie thus far. Up until this point they’ve either crossed over into so-bad-they’re-good or Cage has given a performance that keeps things entertaining and watchable. USS Indianapolis is just a lame movie across the board.Joe. 7/10.A solid movie with a really great performance by Cage, but I found its most engaging storyline sidelined by too many others that make the movie feel really long. There is no fun to be had here, and little worth revisiting down the road.Color Out of Space. 8/10.Delivered what I was hoping for on most accounts, but continues to prove that adapting Lovecraft, especially on a low budget, is very difficult. There are some real horrors on display though proving that practical effects are still king, and Cage is great, showing again his talent and desire to really put his all into every role.Grand Isle. 6/10.A came cast keeps things going for the first hour, which is essentially a single location play, but it all starts to fall apart in the third act. Grammer has about 10 minutes of collective screen time and only 30 seconds of those shared with Cage. KaDee Strickland is the most surprising here, matching Cage's enthusiasm and keeping the whole thing very entertaining, but it ultimately amounts to very little. The low-budget also doesn't help, constantly referencing a hurricane that is never seen. A shame really, cause you can see the potential for something greater here.Looking Glass. 5/10.A thriller without thrills, trying so hard to be mysterious and failing at each try. Cage is given nothing to do but walk around and look confused for 100 minutes. Things rarely happen, and when they do they make no sense by the end. There's a solid first act setup with some cool ideas, and every single one is wasted. I was hoping for something along the lines of 8MM, but this was not that.The final 5 remain.Mom and Dad. 8/10.A deranged concept which Cage is perfectly suited for, but like my issue with Nicholson in The Shining, he’s already a little crazy before he goes crazy. I love the tone set with the opening credits, but Taylor goes to frenetic too quickly, never letting us settle in before cranking things up to 11.All that aside, it’s a totally bonkers movie and watching Cage let loose is always 100% entertainment. As a whole it just lacks the finesse to bump this up to top tier.Trespass. 8/10.There’s more than a few stupid character decisions, and I don’t love the way the flashback structure is done, but the performances across the board are really good, and the intensity level is consistent throughout.Pay the Ghost. 7/10.A pretty decent spookfest that creates a moody atmosphere and some chilling imagery. While “Color Out of Space” falls in the horror genre, and Cage has done more than a few thrillers, this is the only actual scary movie he’s ever done. I’d like to see more.Army of One. 4/10.Cage sounds like he’s doing a Rain Man impression the entire time, and the movie is narrated in a Wake Up, Ron Burgundy style which is just awful. A very unfunny movie that is more annoying than anything else.Mandy. 10/10.There was no better way to end this journey. Cage is smartly restrained for a majority of the picture, but when the beast is let loose, THE BEAST IS LET LOOSE! A fever dream of a movie that delivers on all accounts, and something that will be re-watched in years to come.https://ift.tt/3aS7gqL In order to keep the title streamlined I said "direct-to-video". Perhaps what I should have said was "movies that did not have a nationwide theatrical release". via /r/movies