#looks like summer should feel
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High School Musical has me giggling, twirling my hair, and kicking my feet like one of those girls from a 2000s movie. 😭
#high school musical#ryan has always been my favorite#its literally consuming my mind rn#my friend hasnt even started watching it and is inlove w/chad#all the songs are so good#high school musical 2#high school musical 3#hsm2#hsm 2 was my fav. just the feeling was amazing#looks like summer should feel#hsm 3#was a little slow but it made me ugly cry at the end#im gay btw#LMFAO why did i add that#ok theres enough tags bybye
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learning names
#a song of ice and fire#asoiaf#my art#adwd#a dance with dragons#theon greyjoy#jeyne poole#ramsay bolton#ramsay snow#arya stark#or rather a suggestion of arya#valyrian scrolls#theons kraken brooch#since it takes up so much space#don't really like that drawing but i spent so much time on that i have to show it...#i should have spent my time drawing your lovely requests instead#will finish them in july. gay month 2. gay summer i dare say#i also feel like theon doesn't look... bad enough? ...... did i do anything right with this.#AND I FUCKING mixed up his hands XDXDXDXD
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started a new job recently as a research assistant for a gay Latinx professor in my grad program, and while I definitely don't have the time to be doing my own research, working with this professor on his book projects has been so affirming and healing. i'm working on a book he hopes to publish soon that is full of interviews of gay and trans Latine men...and it is so fucking awesome. I feel so seen by the words I am reading, and I feel tears spring to my eyes looking at the photographs of these men. They look like family members, distant cousins, and family friends. They look so happy and full of confidence. I see myself in their eyes, recognizing the "fish" shape in our eyes that is so distinctly tied to Latines. One of the men in the book is a pup! And it is so beautiful seeing his smile as he holds his pup mask.
I have met very few queer latines. I don't know what it's like to have the tio or tia that has some secret aura to them, that "no se habla" vibes where everyone knows they're queer but just won't acknowledge it. Hell, this professor I'm working with is the first gay Latine man I've ever spoken to. I wish I had a community of gay Latines. I hope I am able to access that one day :)
#muerto talks#just rambling#reading thru this manuscript has me feeling some intense emotions#ive always been the person other queers look up to#and i always wish i had someone i could look up to#this reminds me that when im back home for the summer i should totally connect my emotional support gay professor from undergrad#i have never felt such acceptance and joy man#life be good when you have an older gay BIPOC man in your life#LIKE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ADOPT ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE#this makes 3 gay male professors i know that i look at with very big round and wet eyes#my research professor is also a gay man and im like so captivated by him in class#i be on cloud 9 when i say something in class and he continously references it#LIKE YES I WON!!!#I WON!!!!
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how. do u sona....
#i want to give myself a solid sona that. isnt just me with puppy dog ears and a tail slapped on but its hardddd#i want to make like a snowman that can change shape but it keeps certain features like branch antlers and a carrot nose#for consistency yk. but im struggling to find a balance between smth i like drawing and smth that looks like me#how often does one's sona resemble the artist irl.. for one i dont have bangs but i love drawing characters with bangs#so its just an internal conflict on if i should give my sona bangs if i dnt have them but love drawing them. etc etc#maybe im thinking abt this too hard bc nobody really knows what i look like anyway and i can do what i want anyway#but i get hung up on small details like that. like im worrying abt stuff like damn how tf am i gonna draw a snowman in the summer#girl... its a fuckig drawing.... follow your heart. but also HOW. i cant even draw myself with bangs bc it feels like im lying augh auuhggg#its 4 am im too tired for this. im goig to bed#my art#myart#doodles#wip
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...
#i turn 27 tomorrow and i feel like my life is collapsing in around me#i officially made the decision to take the summer off. which i hate. which means i have to get a summer job#when ive only ever had jobs in academia so my resume looks insane if im applying to work in a bakery or whatever#im just so tired. everything makes me so tired and sad. i still dont kno what im gonna do#im glad my dad is here bc he gets it more than most ppl bc hes also dyslexic and like everyone assumes im fine bc ive got this far#but like at what cost? im doing a job where im set up to suffer. and for what? im doing something so niche and weird#all i can do is more academia. but what if i cant cut it? what if i would b better off getting a epa job or something where i can do my job#and then go home and stop thinking abt it. how do i apply the stupid bullshit i decided to study? i should have done Ecosystem restoration#or something. its just that my dream was to study weird things in weird places and now it feels like that dream is collapsing#which is devastating. im gonna try to come back in the fall and give it a go but like i dunno it feels so hopeless rn#im just so tired. i have no joy. i just want to lay on the floor#unrelated
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I can't do much productively during the heat wave/health issue flare up/etc. like work on my games or anything where I have to sit at the computer/type for long periods of time, BUT.. I did passively sculpt a few tiny foods lol. I wanted to do one of my bigger usual sculptures, but those take so much more time and concentration, I thought something small just to keep my hands busy would be better.. close up photos look kind of weird and blurry from my camera settings or something, but overall they came out okay, especially in person.. Nearly the only reason I ever wanted to buy dolls as a kid was to get my hands on the miniature foods and plates and stuff that came with them, I've always just been obsessed with small versions of things like that, so.. why not make some! lol
#sculpture#ooops.. i could have posted this on the art blog but I forgor and do not feel like reuploading everything#into a new drafted post on a whole other blog.. not in this heat.. i have no patience lol#items are: tomato. asparagus. a four leaf clover (not food lol). some sort of folded bun or dumpling with meat inside (not based on#anything specific. I just wanted to fold a flat sheet of clay into a shape). pomegranate. cheese wheel. lemon slice. some sort of mushroom.#fish (not a real one. just made up. if it looks like any specific fish that'd be interesting). and fig.#I haven't been able to get many avocaodo pits to carve again. so sculpting. then is good for a tiny craft#WISH I COULD DO COSTUMES OR SOMETHING.. i have some pikced out. bundles of clothes laying on the floor of the closet#but GODS even before the heat wave it's just been so warm.. I know.. it's the summer. of course it's warm#but WHYYYyy............. what if it just snowed all year around and was awesome and beautiful and i was so cold and could wear 25 blankets#at all times.. what about THAT hmm?? .. the ideal..#anyway.. my favorite is the pomegranate and the mushroom maybe#The fig is hard because in the pictures of figs I googled a lot of them have that sort of white powdery type of thing on the outside#that grapes and plums and stuff have sometimes and it's hard to convey that weird like.. sheen.. plus the purple with almost powdery blue#and little lighter specks plus streaks of light green and a little orangey on some of them.#It's okay in person I think but this doesnt show up as much in pictures. The cheese also looks betterin person than images. you can't tell#the slight shine in the pictures lol. but the pomegranates look cool and also photograph decent.. hmm#I should have made toast with an egg on it or something. that would be a nice addition#OH ALSO ASPARAGUS MY BELOVED.. though they look a little wonky. the cuticle pusher tool that I sculpt with in leiu of any actual sculpting#tools has a kind of triangle edge that was suite for the little leaf details of the asparagus so that was cool. its like..ALMOST right lol
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anyone else ever get struck with a sudden feeling of distaste or being tired of someone who you usually really like/are friends with for literally no reason whatsoever? or is that just me
#like this has been happening with various people all summer#I'll be like... the thought of this person causes negative emotions that are literally directed at nothing#it isn't anything the person has done I just. feel like I don't care and don't really want to put in the effort with whatever friend#which is really weird bc I KNOW if I DO just put in the effort and ignore that random feeling I'll have fun and enjoy myself!!#bc I DO still like my friends actually!!! I just sometimes feel like I Don't and idk why#Lu rambles#this is especially odd when it's the sound guy bc like. not only have I been massively crushing on him all summer#but he's also one of the few people I genuinely have clicked with here. like we get along. it's cool. I've been slightly in love with him#so why do I now have this weird feeling like I want nothing to do with him/don't care#actually I feel extremely ambivalent about just about everyone right now but for some reason especially him#wait maybe it's PMS actually.... the Leave Me Alone Don't Talk To Me Don't Look At Me Don't Make Me Show Up hormones have hit :/#...that would actually explain several things from the last couple days. I should start tracking it#ok sorry I'm done externally processing my emotions on Tumblr dot com. bye
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Do you have any opinions on what kind of music mav and ice like? I’m just curious as someone who has motorcycle riding 80s navy dad whose favorite two artists were Madonna and Bruce Springsteen if you think the answer would surprise us? Or if they’d be as predictable as always
Yeah nothing crazy. kinda predictable i guess. classic rock, country rock, classic blues, nostalgic 60s folk, contemporary stuff when it comes on the radio and isn’t unlistenable by their middle-aged-white-man standards.
+ of course ice’s somewhat gay Fleetwood Mac entanglement
#Look i was born in 2003 idk anything about 90s music tbh. 80s yes but not 90s#it’s one of those things I don’t feel qualified to discuss#most of my opinions on questions like this are inspired by what my white dad b. ca. 1970 enjoyed in high school#so that’s where you get ‘beast of burden’ by The Rolling Stones in my fic. that’s a ‘my dad likes this song’ song.#so what else did my white dad like that i feel is in line with ice and mav#?#uhhh. okay. Donna summer. counting crows. the foo fighters. Joni Mitchell. Peter Paul and Mary. bill withers. Burt Bacharach. Whitney.#Coldplay! they listen to the radio so i think they’re into some 21st ce artists as well. like to a Normal degree.#they don’t follow celebs but like the music. they like old t swift but like to a normal white dad degree.#my white dad is really into dua lipa for some reason. ice & mav don’t give me that vibe#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#icemav#asks#it’s one of those things that’s like ‘you should really have ur own hcs about this bc everyone’s are going to be too specific’#like ice & mav’s sex lives & what they prefer in bed. I certainly have my hcs but they’re so specific it’s not worth#discussing because they won’t be universal so who cares. they’ll just live inside my head#the act of sharing hcs is very vulnerable & not always worth it tbh#better to shove them into a narrative somewhere#ty for the ask anon 🥺❤️❤️
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Recently I just can't stop having a bad mood! I just don't know what it is :/ I am trying to focus on the things that make me happy and combat my wish to vent and turn irritating things into positive ones but every single good thing improves my mood for maybe like 3 minutes, and then I think about things that make me angry ANYWAY! I want to be around people but I can't because if I keep talking about things that make me angry - minor or big - I'll just exhaust them. But I've been trying to focus on good things for a while now and now it feels like it is a daily hard battle.
I really need to either finally have a mental breakdown (but I can't control when it happens, you know?) so I can cry, or have a justified reason to get angry that won't feel like petty over-reacting on my half. Hhhhrg
#/vent#look i am TRYING to stay funny or chill or simply based#but you dont understand - *everything* online makes me angry or bitter!#i dont even know what happened.. nothing about internet changed yet it feels like it did???#like a sound you cannot hear but the waves still shake you biologically..#as much as i judge people who built their audience on being reactionary at least-#-they have privilege of being negative as much as they want and only get 'yass queen kick ass' for it#meanwhile i should watch myself to not extend venting limit gfhhjhv when i vented too much i should-#-stay cool for a while before i can feel bad again#am i overestimating the importance of my negative emotions though?#like.. am i being vain thinking my vents will 'poison the world around me' when my anger is-#-as threatening as barking of an alerted pomeranean?#yeah maybe.......#maybe i just have microtrauma from people that treated me like a dangerous monster for having-#-emotion of anger to begin with. this summer this issue was dialed up to 11#right i am probably being too focused on self at this time!#i should watch some youtube trash-reviews or petty dramas to feel angry on behalf of someone ELSE.#gotta.. get out of my own head. now.
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i think some of takeuchis art is really good and some of it is bad. is that an acceptable stance or is having a non-dichotomous opinion considered passé/wishy washy
#some of it is stiff and some of it is really charming#the simple stuff is really iconic but when he tries more complex designs it easily falls into looking goofy#he does make some really good expressions. it isn’t just olga and kagetora casotria had like 100 of them#like idk I feel like just saying ‘he’s a good artist’ or ‘he’s a bad artist’ is too simplistic#he has strengths and weaknesses and I think some of the issue is as a founding member of tm his weakness become in jokes that are encouraged#(Ie saberfaces)#rather than ignored or worked on#bc tbh a lot of anime art styles give everyone very similar faces but drawing attention to it does make people actually notice it far more#than if they had said nothing (like w artists like wada or nakahara)#most digital artists do reuse assets! but he has both a lot of visibility and a lot of influence in his company so people pick apart#his art for that stuff way more which isn’t really fair but at the same time#isn’t helped by the ongoing stuff w saberfaces etc#and he does need to have someone overseeing some of his designs to make sure they look good. like w Jeanne’s idol dress or 3rd summer outfit#i don’t think he’s a bad artist or designer I just think he could use more editing/less free reign on some cases if that makes sense#and idk. i do really like some of his art. castoria’s fa is really pretty#and sure he may have assistants but I’m fairly certain a lot of the prominent artists do…?#I’ll be honest and say I find his older art more lively#his newer art is much more polished but feels squarer#idk. idk I’m tired I guess#DOES THIS MAKE SENSE??? should I even post it#my post
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Y'know it was REALLY goddamn evil and nefarious that the oil fields gave my mom (a single mom working 3 jobs to raise 2 kids) a single $5,000 check in exchange for her signing a nondisclosure to never complain about them.
Of course we fucking took the money. Even with her working 1 full-time job and 2 part-time jobs, she barely made over $1,000 a month. Of course she took the money. We though about moving but we still couldn't afford it. She was so frugal with it, though. It did give us a sliver of financial security for years.
But goddamn. $5,000 is table scraps to them, and they bought her silence with it because she couldn't refuse the chance to slightly lessen the weight of poverty on her family.
#sorenhoots#i remember i was like 11 or something. she didnt know if she should sign it. and its not like we had or knew any lawyers. she had ME read it#over and even i was like “this is a nondisclosure and it means you cant ever talk about anything they do even if they do something terrible”#i recall being very proud of myself for knowing what a NDA was. lord knows where my middle-school self learned that from. she did eventually#have a lawyer of some sort look over it and they said the same thing but.... $5000#it wasnt an option for her. that was more money than wed ever had or saved. she had two kids who would need cars bc we lived so far in the#country. she knew i wanted to go to college. i dont think i ever saw her buy herself clothes before then either. it was money for emergencys#and necessities and birthday presents and road trips and... i often wondered about the person who offered us that. i wondered where they#lived and wondered how much their clothes costed and wondered if their kids got to have art or piano lessons. i wondered if their home was#over 80 degrees in the summer and under 60 in the winter and if they lived in a house that wasnt filled with dangerous spiders (we had nice#spiders too but we did also have Very Dangerous Spiders) and id picture him in his office in a button up and slacks and it would break my#heart that my mom couldnt have all of that. we just had a $5000 check and a vow to not complain.#she still feels earthquakes from it. less nowdays but still. and sometimee it still smells like a jar of hot petroleum jelly. and the attic#smell is worse than ever and the tap water smells like sulfur and wet mold#goddamn what the fuck? jesus christ. she should move.
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I doubt I'm gonna get out to any other concerts until spring so I just wanted to Assess™️ year 1 of what I assume is a collection that will grow exponentially until it subsumes the rest of my wardrobe
#i already have a ticket to see Priest in march.....#they were here in summer but i didn't make it and i was kicking myself ever since but they're coming BACK.... 🙏🙏🙏#rom speaks#anyway genuinely i feel like one of the best things i ever did for my mental health#other than. find a therapist#was move to a place where live music is just constantly and ridiculously accessible to me#award for highest quality merch.... probably royal blood for the ultra soft shirt and crisp print but des rocs gets a special mention#because I know from personal experience that printing hoodies is a pain in the ass but it still looks really nice#worst quality.... IAMX 😔 cheap gildan shirt and the back print is noticeably out of reg#actually starbenders and cold gun should get an honorable mention too because they were both opening bands#so ordering merch with SUCH complex prints was a huge risk but they both came out really good#thanks for coming to my screenprinting review
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(person whos exhausted and thought of chloe a second too long) u know how im 70% sure chloe has an area convo where akira says something nice and chloe goes "is this what its like to have a big sibling?!?!", i need rustica to date someone n chloe to go "is this what its like to have (loving) parents?!?!?"
#stardust speaking !#DO U SEE THE COMEEEDDYYYYYYYYY#im not gonna word it better. imagine the superior wording in ur minds#also since figaros june bride has that...' oh id like to have that role one day. 'do u think ure good enough for my rutile?!' like that'#training ep. can i have that for chloe. for rustica. since theres alrdy that entire summer event where chloes so concerned rusticas#getting scammed#AUGHHHH 1.5 MY FAV MOMENT FOREVER WITH CHLOE N RUSTICA......PARENT CHILD DUO OF ALL TIME#im not normal when i think about oz n arthur for long either#mhyk said heres a billion family relations and i was the target audience#i think mitile should accidentally call figaro or leno dad one day and Die on the spot#at the same time i do think a lot of my views r on them r more complicated than 'haha parent child'#its just that rustica n chloe especially......since rustica took care of chloe since chloe was like 13??#n they get along so well that im always kinda. yeah those 2 r family in the very sense of the word#its why im so annoying with them in my own modern aus cuz rustica raising chloe....T_T#I JUST like them a lot#massages temple mhyk and the older wizards raising/looking after the younger kids oh i have a headache#(neros care for heath n shino n riquet comes to mind always)#oh im so tired id like to write all of them so i couls properly explain how i feel about all of their relations#cuz i just cant in posts like this#oz is not a parent but. also. ALSO. u get me dont u
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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the way that all modern clothes regardless of price or brand or retailer insists on using the fast fashion model of decreasing the amount of fabric used on any given piece of clothing so that that piece of clothing is simply worse in the way that it sits and fits and falls (particularly in the waistline of pleated trousers or skirts, or the skirts of dresses in general) yet insists on using all the fabric necessary for gen z bell bottom style pants and offering no alternative model drives me fucking insane
#found a wonderful skirt and dress on sale#which I think I’m gonna get bc I haven’t found a skirt or summer dress in a style I liked in ages#but neither of them is at all worth the original asking price#there just isn’t as much fabric in either of them for the skirt to fall the way it should#they’ve made up for it as well as they can with pretty decent fits but they’d be 100% if they contains just a bit more fabric#so that the skirt has the proper weight and swoosh#MEANWHILE both pair of pants that I tried had SHOCKINGLY well fitting waistlines but extremely annoying bell bottom legs that piss me off#I don’t enjoy wearing bell bottoms I don’t think they feel good or are a great look on me#it’s just such a bizarre fashion trend to coincide with the fast fashion cutting down of fabric usage#anyways I do really like the skirt and dress it’s just extremely obvious to me how they should’ve been constructed in order to be Perfect#I’m gonna have to learn how to sew pretty soon at this point
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