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kyouxa · 5 years

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Diabolik Lovers Chaos Lineage: Ayato Sakamaki (Story 09)

I’m shocked how long this chapter took me? (^-^*)/

But here we are with our favorite troublemaker again!

Place: Orange Mansion - Ayato’s bedroom Yui: ...ngh...what..

Ayato: You're not kidding. You finally woke up

Yui: Ayato-kun! Why...!

Ayato: Why she asks, this is still my room. It’s only natural that I’m here.

Yui: (That’s right... yesterday, I was sucked here and I lost my consciousness...)

(He put me into his bed. Ayato-kun didn’t wake me up he just waited.)

Ah!

(My clothes are out of order... ! Everything is open enough to see through my chest)

(For the time being, let's try to close it so nothing can be seen by Ayato-kun)

Ayato: What are you doing. Chichinashi, you don’t need to hide them, they are tiny anyway.

Yui: You little! Don't hug me now! How dare you being so rude.

Ayato: Hehe, stop staring at me like that!

Yui: (I’m happy his memories returned, but it may be nice if he was a bit more gentle!)

Ayato: Hey, I’ve been scolded already. Don’t you understand?

Yui: You deserved to be scold.

Ayato: Well then that’s for you.

Yui: Ughh

Ayato: Hah? What is it now.

Yui: H-Hey! What are you doing, it tickles!

Ayato: That’s your punishment. I know you’re weak here. I won’t hold back today

*Ayato tickles Yui* Yui: Haha, stop it... ! Stop, Ayato-kun!

(Like this, I feel like a child again... !)

Understood! Should I look at Ayato-kun?

Ayato: Yes, that’s good. You’re finally looking at me again

Yui: (Wow, right know I’m unbelievably happy?)

Ayato: Well, whatever. So what should we do?

Yui: It's for now on, right? That’s right, what should we do.

Everyone's memories are missing and I don't know how to get their real memories back at all

Ayato: ... well. Do you know anything about the memory loss?

Yui: No. I don't know anything.

I tried to reflect on that day, but I was spending the day as usual at the Sakamaki mansion...

After that, I lost my memory

Ayato: The same goes for me. I’m supposed to fight against the others here

Yui: Do you remember anything about that?

Ayato: They told us『get Eve and become the king』

It’s squeezed in my head strongly. And now, I know it’s just a stupid story.

Until I got back to sanity, that was my own way to become the king.

Yui: I see, it was like that from your view

Ayato: Maybe the other guys are in the same condition

Yui: ... It isn’t normal that such things happen naturally

If someone did it on purpose, who is it and what’s their purpose... ?

*Ayato backs off*

Ayato: To be honest, I’m sure it was our father who did that

Yui: Karl Heinz-sama...?

Ayato: Absolutely! He always makes his own selfish crap!

Yui: (Ayato-kun really thinks it's Karl Heinz's doing)

(But certainly, no one else could be doing this)

Ayato: It's because he likes to play with us, I will catch him and make him pay for that!

I will make sure to break his bones completely!

Yui: — but, how? We don’t know where Karl Heinz is hiding himself tho ...

Ayato: Ugh—! That is... if you think my idea is stupid, think about your own one!

Yui: Y-Yea. Thats right

Choices

1) ー Is there a hint? (black)

2) ー You should ask someone (white) ♡♡♡

— Is there a hint?

Yui: Hey, wasn't there something like a hint when your memories were weird?

Ayato: Thats what I don’t know! If we just think about a hint we‘re not getting anywhere further

Yui: I see, that’s right

(But if you're just thinking, you won't get an answer either...)

— You should ask someone ♡

Yui: If that’s the case, it might be better to ask someone

Ayato: That’s true but, everyone’s having strange memories would they be helpful?

It's not like I heard anything useful from those guys.

Yui: I see, that’s right

Ayato: Well, it may be better then just waiting, though

end Choices

Ayato: ... ugh. I thought too much and now my head hurts.

Yui: Are you okay?

(He usually doesn’t worry that much)

...Reiji-san always solves those problems by using his head.

Ayato: That’s right. This guy really has a good working brain. Shit, why isn’t he here at such times!

Yui: It can‘t be helped. In is such a situation ...

....

Ayato: ....

That sucks! So, there’s my idea! To get informations we should go on a reconnaissance!

Yui: A reconnaissance!? Well, but...

Ayato: Is there any other way?

Yui: ....

(Yes, nothing will change unless we do something)

(If so, it might be better to go outside even if its dangerous)

Place: Orange Mansion — Storage

Yui: Hey, is it really okay to steal the supplies from the mansion?

Ayato: That's fine. It’s better to be scolded by Ruki then dying hungry

Yui: (This is a weird situation, but I agree with Ayato-kun)

(I don‘t know what will happen, that’s why I should bring some of these with me)

Ayato: Uh, this is enough. It's almost time to leave, isn’t it?

Yui: ... True

??? : What are you doing?

Yui: (Huh!? That’s bad, someone found us!)

Kanato: The two of you are hiding in here. Is it a new play?

Yui: Oh, Kanato-kun!

Ayato: What are you doing here?

Kanato: What are you thinking. I asked you first so you better answer me

Ayato: Can’t help it. I can’t just let him go off and tell everyone

Yui: What do you mean?

Ayato: I mean, I need to stop this guy. He’s definitely going to tell Ruki about that.

Yui: Maybe he is. But what will you do if he isn’t?

Kanato: Hey, what kind of consultation is that?

Ayato: Well, we can't do anything else. If we leave him here ...

Kanato: Are you going somewhere or you came from somewhere, or are you going to go? Whatever it is, you know that Ruki won’t forgive you again?

Yui: Hmmm, I can agree to that...

Kanato: Stop that! Why aren’t you answer my question!?

Ayato: You are so annoying! Just shut up!

*Ayato lifts Kanato*

Yui: A-Ayato-kun!

Kanato: Wait! What are you doing!? Shut up and let me go!

Ayato: Let’s keep going

Yui: Y-Yes...

Kanato: Hey! Don't ignore me! Stop it!

Yui: (Can you really do something like this to Kanato?)

(But we can’t just leave him here. I'm sorry Kanato-kun!)

Place: Outside — Forest

Kanato: For real, why do I have to get along with you?

Yui: (Kanato-kun, he’s mad .... it’s natural that we were caught before we even knew about it)

(But we’re doing this for everyone’s memories)

Ayato: How long are you going to pout. Just give it up and accept it already

Kanato: That’s wrong, I didn‘t come by my own intention. Ayato has kidnapped me!

Ayato: I couldn't help it because you appeared there. It's your own fault that you came

Kanato: Oh, I’m not gonna talk anymore. Irritated asshole

Yui: Sorry, Kanato-kun. You can have those candies from the storage if you want tho?

See. I found those in the storage and if you want them you can have them

Kanato: What? How empty is your head.

Do you think I’m going to change my mood because of something like this? I might change it if you have cake

Yui: (Anything, but i don’t have cake)

Sorry. Because there were no other sweet thing’s then those, I hope you still take them...

Kanato: I won‘t say that I won‘t eat them. Now hurry up and hand them over

Yui: Oh, is that so? Well then

Kanato: For real... But please don’t misunderstand. Don’t think I‘m not mad anymore because of this.

Yui: (For the time being this will be fine .... we will walk together now)

Hey Ayato-kun, it’s nice that we got here, but where are you heading exactly?

Ayato: We will know soon. We‘re just going to walk for awhile now

Yui: What!

Ayato: It's okay, even if I don’t know the way, we‘re gaining information from just walking around

Yui: Oh, is that so... ?

(I think that theory is stupid, but he didn’t change with or without memories...)

*bushes rustling*

Yui: (Huh? Is there someone moving in the bush!?)

Ayato: ... ! Who?!

*Laito and Subaru appear*

Laito: Oh? I knew I smelled something delicious

Subaru: Why is Eve in such a place like this

Kanato: Those guys, are violet members

Yui: Subaru-kun! Laito-kun!

Ayato: Kuku. What is it? Told you. The Information comes from right there

Yui: Y-Yeah. But it was just luck that they appeared around here

Ayato: Hey you, what are you two doing here?

Subaru: What? There is no reason to tell the enemies about that

Laito: Uhm, our big brother Carla was supposed to be here instead of us to check Eve‘s location

Subaru: Don’t say that!

Laito: But, there is not enough information to steal Eve from you yet

Thats why Carla yelled at us to go and get some more information

So we were just on our way to reconnaissance around the Orange mansion

Subaru: After all, you are a guy who says something about our strategy to that little girl.

Laito: Calm down~♪ It doesn't matter if you have enemies or allies, as long as we enjoy ourselves it’s fine.

Yui: (Yes that’s true. I guess Laito didn’t change)

Ayato: Ha, so that scarf dude is your big brother now. You should wake up from that strange shit!

Are you going to keep those strange memories forever!? Remember who you are!

Laito: What is it? What do you mean?

Subaru: Tch, what’s with you? It's annoying. We will catch Eve and return home now.

*Subaru pulls his sword*

Yui: ....ah!

Wait, Subaru, Laito-kun! If you fight...

Ayato: That’s fine. You’re getting me fired up with your intension

Yui: W-Wait!

(Although Laito and Subaru are both your true brothers—!)

Ayato: I’m even making you a great offer today.

If you win we‘ll obey you, if we win you‘ll obey us.

Besides, if you think about the offer, this is an unique chance

You guys are usually bashful and sloppy, so why not agreeing to it

Laito: Wait, what are you exactly telling us?

Ayato: I'm saying that I'm ashamed of you! Come on, fight me now!

Kanato: Thats stupid, If you're going to fight, please do it on your own, I'm looking at it from here

Yui: (Hes really going to fight!? Is that okay? Those two are Ayato-kun's real brothers.)

Subaru: Accepted. Please don‘t hesitate to cry if we destroy you completely.

Laito: That’s true. Well then, good luck, Subaru.

Subaru: Ah? No, wait a minute. Why good luck, you’re also going to work hard.

Laito: Heh, that’s wrong. I'm not really interested in fighting. Only those who want to fight are going to fight each other.

Subaru: Hah? What’s wrong with you!

Laito: That’s why you can enjoy that on your own.

Subaru: You‘re kidding me!

Yui: Those two really started a discussion over there.

Ayato: They‘re the same, even if they don't remember.

Yui: Yes, thats true... hehe!

(If they don't remember, they won't change completely back —!)

Hey you! If it comes to an one-vs-one battle, why don't you fight with only your fists like real men?

(If I come up with such an idea, Subaru-kun might agree to that)

(If it works, I may prevent them from being killed by a sword!)

Subaru: Hah?! What are you saying

Ayato: No, that’s interesting

Yui: (... !)

Subaru: What are you saying to me! Why should this get so boring. Isn’t killing each other the interesting part?

Yui: Instead of killing one another, why don’t we try it? It’s better to decide a fight like that.

Ayato: Certainly, it could be more fun to beat him without a weapon

— If I‘d hit your face directly with my fist it would look messed up too

What's up with you. You look like you‘re already afraid of losing against me. How pathetic.

Subaru: What was that? You’re going to regret those words

*Subaru drops sword*

Yui: (That’s good, Subaru-kun dropped his sword!)

Laito: Ahh. That was a cheap provocation. Because Subaru is way too simple.

Ayato: Ha ha, that's it! Come on!

Subaru: Just wait you little shit!

Yui: (Ayato-kun and Subaru-kun were always good brothers...)

Ayato: Hey, are you already planing on losing?

Subaru: I don’t.

Ayato: Thats why, you should make sure to win against me or you two need to obey us.

Subaru: I know that and I won’t lose against you.

Laito: Hey Subaru-kun. Don't decide things on your own.

Subaru: Shut up, I can beat him! You better just watch silently!

Kanato: I wonder who will really win this.

Place: Forest — Wide area

Ayato: This Place seems good. Now, let’s start!

Subaru: Ahhh— !

Yui: (Ayato-kun and Subaru-kun's serious battle started!)

Monologue

After those words, a conflicted battle between those two started. In front of us, we were watching the game, they were going wild like they‘d never see the sunlight again — I wonder much time passed already...

end Monologue

Laito: Hey when is this over?

Kanato: I'm getting tired with it. Hurry up and give up already

Ayato: Ahh... ahh...

Subaru: Agh... ahh... ugh... shit

*Subaru falls down*

Laito: Oh, so Subaru-kun lost ~

Ayato: Haha, it was obvious that I‘d win, ahh...

*Ayato falls down*

Kanato: Apparently Ayato also seems like he’s at his limit

Ayato: Ughh — shit

*Ayato collapses*

Subaru: fuck

*Subaru collapses*

Yui: Ayato-kun are you okay?!

Kanato: There is no need to panic. Those two idiots will definitely survive.

Laito: That's right. Oh, what’s wrong?

Subaru: Shit, I was really the weaker one... you really are strong.

Ayato: That’s correct, there was no way you‘d win anyway .

Subaru: This time I’ve lost. But, next time i‘ll beat you.

Ayato: That’s good, i‘m looking forward to it.

Subaru: So what were we fighting about again?

Ayato: Huh? What...

Yui: Huh! You forget already?!

(I wonder if he‘s done with all his energy ...?)

Laito: See, this is why I also have a hard time, Eve-chan

Yui: (... he wants sympathy)

Place: Outside — Forest

Ayato: Hey loser, why don’t you walk a little faster.

Subaru: Stop calling me like that! I‘ll make sure to destroy you completely next time.

Yui: (He‘s so angry about losing, yet he seems to be fine with the situation)

Kanato: Please be quiet. Another noisy word and my temper will increase.

Laito: It has been like that for a while now.

Yui: (I just noticed, what’s actually up with Laito-kun?)

(We are now enemies so I don’t understand why he‘s so friendly and calm)

Hey Laito-kun. I know that Subaru-kun lost the match, but why are you coming along?

Laito: Because, he said that not only Subaru-kun would be a servant if he’d lose the bet.

Besides, even if I'm going home to Carla, it would be hard to explain the situation, so this seems like more fun?

There are also cute girls like you here, right?

Yui: What?

Laito: I should get a taste from your blood as a reward for coming along, right?

Yui: Thats not good! Hey Laito-kun you should...

Ayato: Hey, you! What are you doing!

*Ayato pushes Laito*

Yui: Kya!

Laito: Seems like someone got triggered by my actions? I was just interested, just to let you know.

Ayato: Stay back! Or I’ll kill you

Laito: I'm getting scared. Don't take that too serious, it's a joke

Ayato: Shut up. Take a quick walk forward.

Yui: Ayato-kun, thank you for your help.

Ayato: You really are hopeless. Even if you think Laito is the same as always, he can’t remember anything about you.

That’s why I want you to walk besides me, he‘s so bothersome.

Yui: (He thinks so? Maybe Ayato-kun is just overreacting.)

(But this situation is way better then fighting to death against them)

Maybe, if we get closer to them all, we’ll be able to trigger their memories?

Someday, like Ayato-kun, they might get the chance to regain their memories.

Ayato: Well, it may be as you say

Until that, we will go over there.

Yui: Over there... ?

Subaru: So, where are we heading?

Ayato: The scarlet mansion.

Yui: What? Why?!

(I was wondering where we‘re heading already)

Ayato: Because, I remembered that fight I had while fighting with Subaru.

When my memories were still gone, I was shook by Shu and Reiji’s attack.

I felt that I need to thank you for saving me again. But I need to think about a strategy for Shu and Reiji.

Yui: (Yes, that means he’s going to fight Shu and Reiji-san again...)

(I‘d suggest trying to fight without weapons like he did right now but it would be difficult)

But, don’t try to fight them again like last time.

Ayato: Idiot, i‘ll be prepared this time.

Yui: ... is that so?

Ayato: The way to change this whole situation is bringing back their memories. Even if they won’t be as easy to catch as Subaru we still need to try our best. If we think about a strategy we can catch them.

Yui: (... Surely, if Reiji and Shu-san wouldn’t plan something about this situation too ...)

(Ruki-kun, talked a lot about the scarlet family, but don't remember it)

(But if there are two more brothers ... they might trigger any memory and they remember something—!)

That's right Ayato-kun! That may be a good idea.

Ayato: See? We just need a plan to knock them out and make them remember!

Yui: That’s! Can’t we try a more friendly way to make them remember without hurting them?

Laito: Hey, what exactly are they talk about?

Subaru: ... To be honest, I don’t know

Kanato: *sigh* I am already tired of this stupid bullshit

#ayato #ayato sakamaki #chaos lineage #diabolik lovers #diabolik lovers ayato #chaos lineage translation #translation #ayato sakamaki translation #diabolik brothers #sakamaki

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chickenstuffedwithmozzarella · 6 years

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Hii!! I'm really sorry it took me so long, but here i am once again. You also had a busy week? Eveything okay? You babysitted your cousin again? Jajajajajaj noo. That would be very sad. Do not miss the concert because of that! Bring them ans then you'll see. I saw pics of one of his concerts were people had ballons and it looked wonderful! (1)

Hi love!! Seriously, don’t worry about how long it takes you to answer me. I know your busy, and you have to study and all that, so… And yeah, last week was a bit busy, so out of normalcy, jajajja. Bc I never have things to do,lol.Yeah, I’ll bring the balloons 🎈 and I’ll see what I do. If it’s a success I’ll take a pic to show you,jajaja. That concert that Niall streamed the other day? They have balloons, jejejeje. It’s from where I got the idea 😅.

I know what a Diskman is, but i nevver had one. Anyway, i was not laughing of Andy and Lucas. I cannot judge since i have only heard one spng that was included in the Singstar Karaoke🤷. Wow, you had a good time in the 2000. You saw the most famous ones!! Ed was magical. His live was so good!! He was there all alonne and he pulled it off so well. Very lively😍 I almost cried when it ended (2)

Jajajajaaja, I know you weren’t laughing at it, jajajaja (but I totally was, lol, it’s so embarrassing). But I guess I was a teen and they were our own one direction,jajajajajajaja (no! Nada que ver!!) You think? I’ve always thought I didn’t go to a lot of concerts. I love music and concerts, so I guess I just wish I could go to a lot more,jajajajaa. Oh Ed… I’ve seen some videos of his concerts, and I want to go to one. He came to Spain around my birthday in 2014? And I wanted to go, but the place was very small and the tickets were sold out in a few minutes. I didn’t fight for them too much, either,jajaja. I’m happy you enjoyed it!!! That feel at the end of a concert is the best and the worst at the same time.

Noo! He is not disgusting. Poor baby. JAJAJAJAJ. You really managed to find a larrie at the concert? It could have been any fan, or even a het one, and you found the larrie? Lucky girl!! Yep. She is updated on everything. Only thing she doesnt follow is Harry’s suits, which is a pity because they are The Best and I dont even like fasion but still they make me want to chance my mind. I would love to see him at the Met Gala. He would be the king of the event. (3)

Oh, my baby, I love him, jajajaja, but he’s so weird… 🤣🤣🤣🤣.Not only did I find a larrie. I sold her my tickets,jajajaja. But lol, we were so afraid someone would hear us talking and say something to us 😅😅.Genuine question: how does she keep updated? I’m always missing things, and I live in tumblr, jajajaa. I don’t know how people can keep up with everything! I’m always thinking I’m doing something wrong,jajajajaj.Harry’s suit are in another league. I admire him just for being brave enough to wear them. He would be the king at a Met Gala. But it bothers me that they always talk only about what women wear at those events. He should start walking red carpets to show the world how do you wear suits,jajajaja.

Is it later already? Can we talk about you being a witch? Yay!! You already started the tag. I now have a tag😎 i feel cool. (I’m jealous of your cousin-in-law (?) too. Uni would be much easier with that ability). I feel a bit stupid, but i cannot understand how they can say he is slow while at the same time he is doing all of that, but, Go little boy!! I’m cheering on you! (4)

Jajajja, we have this joke in my family where we say I’m half witch,jajaja. It’s just I’ve have night dreams sometimes, that predicted the future? Jajajajaj like once I had a dream about a girl how comes to the shop. In the dream, she was at the hospital,very ill. Well, I had been a few weeks I haven’t see her, and I told my sister about my dream. I didn’t thought anything about the dream. But that same evening that girl’s mom went to the shop. And my sister told her about my dream. And the mom told my sister that her daughter has been hospitalized for more than a week, very ill (but she was already recovered). My sister called me immediately after,jjajaja.Then, another night I dreamed with two crows. I was walking down an empty road, and they were flying behind me. One closer to me than the other. (Ufff, I still get anxious thinking about it). When I woke up I looked up the meaning of dreams, and find out that crows mean death. Well, the next month my brother-in-law’s granny died. And the next week my cousin. (See? One closer to me that’s the other…) I was so scared back then… And well, I’m always having those gut feelings, or whatever they are. Like last year I predicted the date when that baby girl I’ve talked to you about was going to be born,jajajaja. My sister is always asking me to see the future,jajajaja. But it’s something I don’t control,p (and don’t fully believe, jajajaa) eh eh!!! I just remember another thing!!! Jajajaja, fandom related, even. One day I was taking a nap, when Suddenly Louis came into my dream telling (about something he had bought for D*nielle😅): it’s Gucci! It’s Gucci!! Well, I woke up after that and opened tumblr. And there were new pics of Louis wearing that jumper with a bee and a fence phrase? And everyone was crazy screaming IT’S GUCCI!! IT’S GUCCI!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣. And I was still half sleep thinking: I did it again…😅.

Yeah!! You ARE cool. And now have your own tag!!jajajjaWell, I don’t understand that about my cousin, tbh. And I don’t know how to explain it either. He knows (or memorizes) those things, but I’m not sure if he understands what they mean. But also then he has trouble understanding simple things. Like if he wants to eat something (chocolate) and you tell him that he has to eat dinner first, and then he can eat the chocolate, he doesn’t get it. And it’s not like other stubborn kids. It’s just he doesn’t understand what late means. Or he doesn’t like to have his hair cut, because he thinks it won’t ever grow out again. Same with cutting his nails. I’ve discovered now that he doesn’t mind having them filed out (Limadas), so I do his nails whenever he has them too long,jejeje.

Yes!! You really did manage to put rainbows on the cake. How smart and sneaky. And it looks so good😍. You did all that? JAJAJAJJAA Listen, i would trade my non existent masculinity for those marshmallows and i dont even like them. Thats how good they look. Yeah, nop. I’m not going to do that. We arent that close anymore, i probably wont see her for a couple of months and i dont think she would listen. She only sent it to me bcs “ tu eres feminista y toda esas tonterias” and wow. Okaaay. (5)

I’m pleased to inform you that that cake was a totally success,jajajaja. Someone saw while I was making it and asked me if it were for a gay parade? I just told him it was for a baby. Well, I make another similar one yesterday and he saw it again. And he started making rude comments about gays, and how they’re expanding like a disease, just because it’s a trend now to be gay. AND I CAN’T YELL AT HIM!!! 😡😡 I just sent him a very mean look (convine these 😒🤨 emojis and that was my face) and ignored him till he went away. I HATE THAT PEOPLE!! So ignorant. But they’re worse, bc the talk like they know what they’re talking about or like they are right. And NO! Aggggg.🙄“Tú eres feminista y todas esas tonterías” wow, why didn’t she ask you for more help!! She sounds so kind… (since this is written, I’m reading that how better I please,jejje. Maybe he’s kinder that how that sounds…). Well, there’s nothing worst that people how doesn’t want to learn and hear, so… sometimes it’s simpler to ignore them 😒.

I tried explaining it to my others friends though, pointing the flaws of the sentences and they just thought i was being picky. So…i tried, but they are not going to change their minds. Which, fair enough. Oh nooo. Poor kittens :( My examens are starting next week. But this week i have to finish some assignments and they are nightmares. I have cried many times this week because of them. I hate theeeem. (Not much to keep you informed but okay. I will). (6)

Uggggg, I don’t have any advice for you. I never went to uny, so 🤷🏻‍♀️ Take it the more easy you can, but it’s something you have to go through to reach you goal, so. Look at that,jejeje, your goal. And after all this work, summer is waiting for you, so, another thing to look for up,jajaja. Good luck with everything.

Also, that story was horrifying but useful i guess?? That CD sounds heavenly. I would buy it too (but like, in a year or so bcs thats how i work xd). It wasnt “tomorrow”. And still, no news. I’m waiting for some announcement. I just want something to change. I hope the future brings only good things to Lou. Pretty please? Yeeees. Liam was/is everywhere and i’m all in for that. L, you are doing amazing sweetie. 😍 (9 of 10)

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 YOU’RE SO FUNNY!!! Jajajajajaja.Yeah, it wasn’t tomorrow, nor yesterday, nor ever. I’m so impatient!!! Did you see he reappeared today?? He’s just so cute. He has had his hair cut again. I love his hair like that 😍😍. Please, let it be an announcement soon!! (I’ve read theories about him letting his contracts run out so he can free, and if that’s the case, I’m all for it, lol, even if I have to keep waiting for another year (please no)).Liam is truly everywhere. It makes me so happy. The other day the played For You in Pasapalabra (I don’t know if that’s a common thing, bc I don’t watch tele5). And yesterday they talked about him in all the programs at Los40. Mentioning his appearance at the festival. And the have tweeted something’s about him. And I don’t care if they use him as clock baiting, if they talk about him, I’m happy.

(Just read that you were working today. I reckon you didnt babysit your cousin. Oops. I never guess correctly). You went to the doctor? I dont want to pry, but are you okay? I hope you are good!!!💕 1 day until Niall show!!! It’s already thereeeee😱😱😱😍 Ooh. My weekend was dull, i studied and that was it. Thanks for asking!! What about you? Anything interesting? Have a good night!😘😘😘 (10)

Yeah, I had to work yesterday, AND babysit too, jajaja. But we have some spare space at the shops, so I took my cousin there, and between my mom and I , took care of him. So, yes, you were correct. Your memory is better than mine (a lot better).Yeah, I went to the doctor. Everything is okay, thanks for asking,jeeje. They just have to check my lungs and heart for some surgery I want/need to take (but I don’t talk about it yet, jejeje, bc I don’t want to jinx my luck,jejjje).TOMORROW I’LL BE SEEING NIALL!!!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!! How is your sister doing???? Jajajjajaja I’m so nervous/excited!!!! Jekjdnffieornvonerv I did my nails this morning, and of course, I got and Irish flag on one of them,jajajaja.. I can’t wait anymoreeeeee. I hope I can take good videos,jajaja, and that we’re close enough to see his nostrils,🤣🤣🤣🤣.The most interesting thing of my week haven’t happened yet,jajaja. I’ll tell you everything on Sunday (bc Souter day I’ll be dead and have to work 😩😩😩).Tell your sister to have the time of her life. And ask her to FaceTime you for a bit so can see Niall at least!!(still wishing you could go too. Another time, I guess).Have a good day/weekend/week. And don’t stress yourself about answering.

Pd: for how long do you have exams? I hope it isn’t too long. Are they finals? (I know nothing about this 😅)

#flower anon #🌺

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brieflyrainytheorist-blog · 6 years

Text

Brain farts....

So to turn to a cathartic exercise, I write to try and process my brain.

Let me explain myself.

My story is a long one, too long to go into detail for now but to summarise…. my life started to change from a chaotic dysfunctional everlasting death wish to something that I feared and had no experience of….functionality

Or what appeared to be functional as I observed the rest of the ‘normal’ human race in the 1st world do.

Straight out of rehab, I almost immediately jumped into a relationship… initially had no intention of it having any longevity, after all I was so damaged-who would want me or more importantly put up with me.

But he did and 16 years of the relationship lasted somehow, producing 2 beautiful children.

But it wasn't enough for me. I didn't love him. I loved who he was and I think that is different, he was my constant, he was my secure base if I'm looking from a psychological theory aspect but I didn't love him which bred contempt.

I think, or at least I'm currently experiencing, I am a sexual creature who loves the feel of another human being.

I didn't in this relationship, it was an act to just get pure primal needs met and in the 16 years we were together, I probably actually slept in the same bed for 1 1/2 years of the relationship.

He didn't do oral sex so nor did i. I’d accepted that as normal. Sex never got more exciting than missionary, don't get me wrong, there were periodic glimpses of passion but few and far between. Since leaving the relationship and having had some good sex since I'm still stunned I accepted that for such a long time.

After 5 years of the relationship, I had grown as a person, starting to discover some resemblance of self worth, not much, but it was there and I felt guilt for this relationship, knowing I was always looking elsewhere but not actually acting on it.

I attempted to end it and was greeted with a sobbing, begging person, promising to try harder and please not to leave him……Oh shit…. I was NOT expecting that. I felt so bad, I agreed to try and carry on.

I think from that moment onwards that had sealed fate for this relationship. He then was waiting for the inevitable and I was so wracked with guilt from seeing a broken man cry…. I carried on slightly resentful for another 11 years.

We both grew separately in this time in other areas of our lives and I think that was what we were good at as a couple, we encouraged each other to better ourselves, we both individually slowly nurtured a growing self worth, just not enough to be able to let go of each other. Two children knowing something wasn't right but unable to be honest about what that was.

The eventual end could have been dealt with better by myself as I chose one of his most vulnerable times of his life. 3 days after his father died.

This not only demonstrates my selfish nature but also my inability to hold onto things until I burst and have to act.

I was expecting a repeat of what had happened when I ended it before. But nothing, no resistance, no begging and no tears.

In fact the only tears were mine of guilt.

He very quickly got into another relationship and is still in it. He cannot be honest with me about how serious it is but for a rebound, it’s been at least a year and a half.

This stings me repeatedly. He wanted to walk leaving everything, take nothing of the 16 years we had built together. I could not understand. Still struggle with that but I'm guessing it's a preservation for him.

We still communicate-ish. On a very basic level in terms of the children.

I get angry when he talks about his new relationship and he throws money at me to try and keep me ? Happy ? Quiet.

So now I'm free…. What to do with that? Actually my solid base is now gone and that scares me, I could literally do anything. Although I now know that I have the ability to be a functional human being in this world, as I have been proving this to myself over and over again, it has taken my emotions right back to that dysfunctional being who had no filters. The primal me.

So In my best decision making ability - NOT, I hit the dating sites with vengeance.

Sex is disposable, can be the most primal thing on earth and it is so good when you find someone who knows what they are doing.

Before I start, i have written exclusively about men here, but i am Bi, I just haven't entered back into that world yet. It scares me a little, i may decide that actually it’s a woman that I want need after all….However I do like cock, too much to let it go.

I like a man to take the lead but due to my dubious past, I have also had a lot of experience and am open to a lot of things to hit my pleasure zones.

The thing I struggle with is the emotions. Is it even possible to separate the natural chemicals produced by seeing the same person repeatedly?

I have tested the waters with different men and if they are good, i repeat, if they are not i don’t…

My situation so far on the ones that have left some form of impact on me

I accidentally bumped into a guy, that initially had no interest in really. Then I fucked him. Holy shit!! He hit every physical button he could. Maybe it wasn't even that good but I have been starved of my bodily feeling that way I clung on like a limpet.

Mentally and emotionally not really there initially and if I'm honest, not really physically attracted to him other than what he did in bed.

So he has just ended this ‘thing’ we have been doing for the past month-essentially 3 weeks of fucking pretty much every other day.

He tells me he wants a relationship now and the fuck buddy thing is not for him and that our wants are different.

I don't want to jump into another relationship so soon. I want to explore this awakening of my sexuality before the menopause kicks in and I have no interest any more.

But I do want emotional human contact too that is more than a friendship level… Maybe I want my cake and eat it? I can be very selfish sometimes.

I feel hurt from this rejection and my emotional maturity isn't at the place where I can be rational about it, My head tells me that he has spotted I am fundamentally damaged and that he’s not going to go there.

Of course i have made it all about me…again selfish

I’m struggling to let go of this rejection.

He’s a sweet bloke and I actually admire that he can show that level of emotional awareness to know when to back out until he finds what he wants. I hope he does… the child in me tell me he wont find such great sex again…. But thats my bolshy streak! Its how you know to get the best out of a situation i guess……

So meanwhile in a different reality but parallel to the one I've been talking about…. I am still on the dating sites…. Yes, fuck boy is right really, I don't particularly want exclusivity unless the world collide and makes me see that this is the ‘one’ whatever fantasy realm that exists in….

I have been speaking to someone for quite a while now, a lot longer that fuck boy has been around and I love talking to him. I call him the Brain. I haven't met him and I'm almost afraid to as I don't want to lose what we have got in his company of chat.

We speak most days, some days all day long.

He hits my emotional intelligence level, I think anyway, I can cum when just thinking about conversations we have had. Trouble is if I meet him, I'm so afraid the chemistry wont be there. This is what you don't get chatting.

There is intellectual chemistry no doubt. But it boils down to physical again.

I don’t even know what he truly looks like either. He won't show me another picture. I don't entirely trust that he is single either.

Im afraid of losing him or the persona that he has created for me.

There is another boy, and I use that word loosely due to the fact he is 29, 14 years younger than me who tells me he wants to fuck me… he’s new. I think I might try him. No long term intention….

And then there is Chris. Chris was one of the first I started with. Again I haven't met him, I was going to but he bottled it.

He’s sweet but brings out the punisher in me. I kind of like stringing him along. I’m a bitch right? I may still fuck him but I like the fact he still try to get me to meet him. I told him it was 2 strikes and then out and he bottled both times.

He has narcolepsy, the nurse in me wants to know if he will crash while I'm fucking him…. Yes, I’m a perv!!

There are others that I'm chatting to but no-one who has made any sort of impact.

What do I get from it all?

I guess there are multiple levels of stuff.

Firstly validation that I cannot obtain for myself.

The physical aspect forfils my physical and sexual desires. Thats chemical.

There is also an element of punishment in there too. A shame shock if you like. It challenges all my catholic guilt that I seem to lug around like a sack of rubble.

If I enter something and get rejected it validates my core belief that I am mad, bad and unlovable. There is some sort of sick investment in there that keeps me mentally unwell. Maybe I like that as it defines me to myself.

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