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emy-loves-you · 4 years

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Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays Chapter 5

Drunk Sad Boys and Katanas

It’s Roman’s birthday and Virgil has a gift for him.

Warnings: Alcohol use, mentions of genitalia, vomit

Chapter 4 | Masterlist | Chapter 6

Virgil sat up from his spot on the bathroom floor. It was early August now, 6 weeks since he met Princey and 2 days since their tour officially ended. The tour was a success, with nearly all of their concerts being fully booked. As soon as they got back they had one day to relax before their yearly tradition: Remus’ birthday. Remus refused to tell them the day of his actual birthday, only that it was in July. So they usually picked a random day in July where they had no plans. They would then proceed to get wasted, share some depressing and/or embarrassing shit about themselves, and have penis-shaped pancakes the next morning (Remus’ favorite). They weren’t actually able to celebrate it in July this year, since they didn’t think Thomas would appreciate them getting wasted while on tour. Virgil now sat there the next morning, trying to vaguely remember what embarrassing thing they confessed last night.

Janus had confessed that he was depressed and slightly suicidal before he met Virgil. “I was just takin’ a walk, thinkin’ ‘what if I just throw m’self off that cliff? Make those bast’rds find my *burb* body.’ Then YOU showed up outa NOWHERE, and then I was like ‘shit, I can’t die, pretty boy needs me.’”

Remus had confessed to having a twin. “He was Mr. Perfect, a jock with a 3.8 GPA and theatre nerd to boot. We had a fight right ‘fore I came out, he said ‘stop tryin’ ta be me!’ He went to a friends house while I came out to mom an’ pa. ‘You’re wrong,’ they said. ‘We have one son, not two!’ I left ‘fore he could go and ‘gree with ‘em. That’s why I don’t cel’brate on the day. He’s prob’ly sitting in their kitchen, the perf’ son with perf’ wife an’ kid with a big cake and no fuckup twin to ruin it.’

Virgil had confessed to having a crush on Patton, Logan and Roman. He blushed, remembering his word vomit- and literal vomit. “They’re all so goddamn cute. Pat texts me every few hours to make sure I’ve eaten. He makes puns and cookies and he’ll blabber on ‘bout the cutest little things. Lo’ll type a speech worth of stuff over jus’ ‘bout an’thin’. He uses r’lly big words, but he gets some wrong. He said that the number of stars ina sky are inf’itesimal, which realy means tiny. It was so damn cute. Then Princey! He has all these lil nicknames for me. He called me hot! What the fuck ‘m I s’posed to do? I’ll fuck it up like I always do and-” He then proceeded to vomit all over himself. Luckily, Virgil has multiple sets of clothes at Janus’ house.

Virgil eventually got up, going to make the aforementioned phallical flapjacks. Soon enough, everyone was sitting around the kitchen table with pancakes and headaches.

Bzzz

Virgil ignored his phone for the moment, going to clean up his dishes and get himself a fresh cup of coffee. He heard his phone go off two more times before he sat down. I wonder what they’re talking about this early in the morning.

P- (10:28 AM) Hey Ro? Are you gonna want the last slice of this Bday cake?

R- (10:28 AM) You can have it, Pattoncake. Though you shouldn’t be having cake for breakfast.

P- (10:28 AM) I know, but it’s SO GOOD!

Virgil nearly spat out his coffee. Birthday cake? Did one of them have a birthday and not tell me?

V- (10:29 AM) Who’s Bday was it?

L- (10:29 AM) July 28th was Roman’s Birthday.

R- (10:29 AM) Logan!

L- (10:30 AM) What? I was merely answering his question.

V- (10:30 AM) Why didn’t you tell me, Princey?

R- (10:31 AM) I’m sorry, storm cloud. You were busy traveling and I didn’t want to interrupt it. We don’t even celebrate it, really. It’s just cake and ice cream between the 3 of us.

P- (10:31 AM) And Presents!

R- (10:32 AM) And presents

Virgil bit his lip. Should he do this? Will it come off as too forward or creepy? Virgil sighed, sending his response before he could change his mind.

V- (10:33 AM) Name your gift. Anything you want

P- (10:34 AM) That’s not necessary, kiddo! But thanks for the offer!

R- (10:34 AM) A KATANA!

L- (10:34 AM) Roman, for the last time, you don’t need a katana.

R- (10:35 AM) Why?!? It would just be for decoration, I swear! Imagine: a stainless steel katana with a red and gold hilt, with the name PRINCE engraved into the metal. I would hang it above the mantle in the living room! It would be perfect!

Virgil looked up, Remus and Janus still eating. “Hey J, remember that favor you owe me?”

Janus looked up, looking perfectly calm and collected, even though his hangover was probably worse than Virgil’s. “Which one?”

“That time you groped a stranger, thinking it was Remus. You were too drunk to properly respond so I took the blame. And the ban from that club.”

He cringed, taking a sip of his coffee. “Ah, I remember now. What do you need?”

“How long would it take to get a stainless steel, custom made katana anonymously sent to a house around 20 minutes away from here?” Virgil had been surprised to find out that his new crushes lived in the same city as him. They didn’t know that, however. Actually, they hadn’t asked Virgil anything too invasive, usually sticking to hobbies and daily life. Virgil didn’t know how he felt about that.

Janus sighed, pulling out his phone. “Give me the details and address. I’ll see what I can do.”

Half an hour later, Janus told Virgil that it “would arrive at Prince Charming’s house in two weeks.” Virgil blushed at the nickname (so what if he’s fantasized Princey as Prince Charming? That’s none of J’s business) and pulled out his wallet. “If you attempt to pay me back I will personally remove your testicles.” Janus smirked, “Besides, you totally want to know how much it costs to order a katana.” Virgil sighed, pocketing his wallet. He pulled out his phone, deciding to leave it a surprise. He would also have to find a good apology gift for Logan and Patton.

V- (11:10 AM) I think I know what to get you now. It should arrive in 2 weeks. Happy Belated Birthday, Princey!

R- (11:11 AM) Ooh, what is it! I need to know, Marilyn Morose!

V- (11:11 AM) Not telling :)

And Virgil kept his word. Every day, Roman would ask what the surprise was, and every day, Virgil would refuse to answer. Two days before the katana was scheduled to arrive, Virgil called up the local confectioner and had them send Logan and Patton’s favorite chocolates to their house (dark chocolate-covered pomegranates for Logan, white chocolate-covered strawberries for Patton). When asked, Virgil had called them “Pre-apology sweets.” That only fueled Roman’s need to know what his belated gift was. Finally, the day arrived. It was a Saturday afternoon, so Roman would be at the theatre and Patton would be at the bakery. Virgil kept his phone glued to him all day, waiting for the inevitable Logan rant.

L- (2:32 PM) VIRGIL!

V- (2:32 PM) Yeah, Lolo?

L- (2:32 PM) HOW COULD YOU?

V- (2:33 PM) In my defense, I gave you pre-apology chocolates.

R- (2:33 PM) IS IT HERE?!!? WHAT IS IT??? I’M ON MY WAY HOME NOW

L- (2:34 PM) ROMAN NO

R- (2:34 PM) ROMAN YES

R- (2:40 PM) SQUEEEE [*Photo Attachment*]

Virgil opened the attachment, excited to see how the katana turned out. It was stainless steel; with a red, gold, and white hilt. Both the metal and the sheath showed the word PRINCEY. It turned out quite nicely, in Virgil’s opinion.

V- (2:41 PM) Happy Birthday, Princey

R- (2:41 PM) I LOVE IT! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

L- (2:42 PM) Roman, where are we gonna put a FREAKING KATANA?

V- (2:42 PM) Roman said you guys had space above the mantle.

R- (2:43 PM) Logan just made the Windows error sound. I’m kinda terrified

L- (2:43 PM) FLAMES! ON THE SIDES OF MY FACE!

Virgil laughed, flopping back onto his bed. He called the confectioner again (he’s pretty sure their name is Joan?) to order another set of apology sweets for Logan and Patton. Logan liked Crofters Jam, right? Maybe he’ll like the jam-filled pastries. Today was a good day.

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Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @arodynamic-enby

#useless gays #sanders sides fic #LAMP fic #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #texting fic

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