#lmao apparently i was on Too High A Dose of T for starting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-dread-papyrus · 7 years

Text

Upon reaching the upstairs, Alphys opened the door to reveal none other than Papyrus and Undyne waiting for them.

“I TOLD YOU,” WD signed.

“Yeah yeah, I owe you t-ten g, heh,” Alphys replied, waving a hand dismissively.

“HI, BROTHER! NICE TO SEE YOU HERE!” Papyrus said, waving. WD waved back.

“S-So, uh, wh... what are you doing here?” Alphys asked.

“OH, I WANTED TO SEE HOW FAR YOU’D GOTTEN WITH THE DETERMINATION EXPERIMENTS AND ALL THAT.”

Alphys blinked and cast a glance from Papyrus to WD.

“...M-Multiverse stuff?”

WD signed agreement. Alphys sighed and rubbed her face.

“F-Fine, fine, whatever, you caught m-me, I’m doing the thing I’m apparently n-not supposed to,” she said, throwing up her hands.

“Uh, what?” Undyne said, looking a little concerned.

“ACTUALLY I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’RE... ‘SUPPOSED’ TO DO IT??? AT LEAST, I’VE HEARD THAT THIS IS THE DIRECTION MOST TIMELINES END UP LEADING, ANYWAY.”

“Right, right,” Alphys said. She waved Undyne and Papyrus in, which Undyne was more than thankful for. Not having to stand out in the dry heat of Hotland was a welcome reprieve. “W-WD says this is going to go horribly wrong s-somehow, but he’s been cagey about how. S-So, either of you want to start filling me in?”

“WELL, UH, FIRST OF ALL, HOW FAR HAVE YOU GOTTEN?”

“>>SHE’S ALREADY INJECTED THEM WITH THE ‘FUCK IT ALL’ AMOUNT<<,” WD explained, switching to Wingdings. Papyrus raised an eyebrow at his description, but decided not to comment.

“OKAY, WELL... HAVE THEY WOKEN UP YET?”

Alphys blinked in confusion.

“W-Wait, woken up? H-How could they... th-they’ve fallen down, th-they can’t...”

“YEAH, DETERMINATION IS WEIRD,” Papyrus said with a shrug. “AND, UH... MONSTERS APPARENTLY. CAN’T HANDLE HIGH DOSES OF IT? SO, THEY’RE KINDA...”

“Th-They’re gonna wake up and d-die anyway, aren’t they?”

“NOPE. THEY’RE JUST GONNA GET ALL MELTY AND EITHER MELT AWAY TO NOTHING OR TURN INTO MELTY AMALGAMATED MONSTROSITIES!”

WD covered his face at Papyrus’s bluntness, while the two women just stared at him. Undyne’s frills were fanned out, Alphys’s jaw was hanging open. Papyrus just carried on like nothing was wrong and he hadn’t just dropped a significant bombshell on them or anything.

“AND ALSO IT TURNS OUT THAT THE DUST OF THE KING’S DEAD SON GOT ON THE GOLDEN FLOWERS IN THE GARDEN AND ONE THEM, I THINK IT’S THE ORIGINAL ONE? ONE OF THE ONES YOU INJECTED WITH DETERMINATION IS GOING TO WAKE UP WITH ALL OF HIS MEMORIES BUT WITHOUT A SOUL. WHICH IS... NOT GOING TO BE FUN FOR HIM.”

“W-Wait, one of the flowers is... wh-what?!”

“IT’S GONNA WAKE UP WITH PRINCE ASRIEL’S MEMORIES?”

“Okay, this is... this is way too weird, Papyrus. You’re just messing with us, right?” Undyne said, shaking her head.

“NO??? WHY WOULD I JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS???” Papyrus said in confusion.

“But, like... do you realize how fucking nuts this sounds?!”

WD clapped to get everyone’s attention and started signing.

“IF YOU REALLY DOUBT THE VERACITY OF WHAT WE’RE SAYING, THEN YOU CAN ASK YOUR DIRECT ALTERNATES ABOUT IT YOURSELVES. BOTH OF THEM WERE INVOLVED IN THE INCIDENT IN QUESTION.”

Undyne’s head fin flicked uneasily. Alphys fidgeted with her claws, and then dug her phone out to start typing away. What harm could there be in asking, after all?

It took a few minutes of awkward silence, but eventually Alphys got a reply from her blue alternate. And she confirmed what they were saying; that she had done the determination experiments in her timeline, and they had gone... poorly. Alphys frowned and started to wander away, busily texting back and forth with her alternate for more details. Yes, there was melting; yes, there was a sapient flower who happens to have memories of being the king’s late son.

“sooooo how long did it take for things to start going wrong after you started injecting everyone lmao,” Alphys texted.

“uhhhh i’d have to double check my notes???? but it was like maybe a week before someone started to stir and then maybe 24-48 hours before everyone started melting”

“fuck”

“you got frustrated too huh”

“yeah and now WD and his brother are riding my ass lmfao”

“omg i’m sorry. at least they care enough to say something???? but if you need any help or nething txt me ok?”

“yeah thx”

“oh btw the original flower is the one that’s going to come to life. idk why that one in particular but either way you should keep an eye on it”

“ok thx i g2g they’re all kinda standing around awkwardly”

“ok c u”

Alphys shoved the phone in her pocket and clacked back across the tile floor towards them.

“O-Okay, m-my alternate says th-they’re telling the truth. A-And she t-told me which flower is th-the one that’s apparently going to come t-to life, so.”

“CAN YOU SHOW ME WHERE IT IS?” Papyrus said. Alphys looked him up and down, as if sizing him up.

“Wh-What do you p-plan on d-doing with it?”

“WELL, I WAS PLANNING ON TAKING HIM TO SEE THE KING AS SOON AS HE WOKE UP!”

“B-But that m-might not even h-happen for a few more d-days.”

“...OH. RIGHT. CRAP.” Papyrus tapped his chin for a moment, and then snapped his fingers. “OH, I KNOW! I REMEMBER THAT IN ROAN’S TIMELINE, WE KINDA WOKE HIM UP AT AROUND THE SAME TIME EVERYBODY ELSE WAS WAKING UP AND STARTING TO MOVE AROUND.”

“S-So he’s likely to st-start waking up around the same time,” Alphys said thoughtfully. “Y-You know what? Okay. I-I’ll show you where that flower is, a-and I’ll call W-WD when people start waking up s-so you’ll know when to c-come collect him.”

“PERFECT!!!”

Alphys nodded and gestured for them to follow, leading the way back downstairs to the lab. When they passed the room full of fallen monsters, Undyne paused and stared for a moment, fins frilling up. She recognized a few of the monsters lying on the beds. They were some of the elder members of the Snowdin Dog Squad.

Alphys continued onward unperturbed, however, and lead the way over to a particular golden flower. She gestured to the nearly illegible label on it. Papyrus leaned in, squinting at it.

“DOES IT SAY... COFFEE???”

“No, it says ‘original’,” Alphys said, stifling a laugh. “My handwriting can’t be that bad!”

“IT MOST DEFINITELY IS,” WD signed with a grin. She sighed and rolled her eyes exaggeratedly.

Papyrus either ignored them or was too focused on the flower in front of them to pay attention. He reached out and gently brushed his fingers against one of the petals, watching the flower carefully for any sign of a reaction. After a moment, though, it looked like nothing was happening. He let out a soft sigh and withdrew his hand, looping his thumb around a belt loop.

“WELL, I GUESS HE’S NOT AWAKE YET,” he said. “SO I GUESS WE’LL COME BACK LATER.”

Alphys nodded.

“Y-yeah, okay. I’ll g-give you guys a call when things start h-happening.”

#!papyrus talks to people #!gaster talks to people #!drabbles #!entry number xx

5 notes · View notes

wdfa · 7 years

Text

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me!

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed.

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!!

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

#trumpet hate #personal #wow this was..... so much..........#literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji]#caps /#negative /#self hate /#transphobia /#cissexism /#menstruation mention //#the experience #ask to tag

3 notes · View notes